#Im starting to hate putting actual effort into the stuff i make if nobody cares about the original creator

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

So yes, im coming up on the end of my detox. During this time, ive actually learned a LOT because simply, im not glued to my phone 24/7.

Society pushes this idea that we NEED phones. That without your portable dopamine box you arent cool, or normal, or whatever the hell they choose to say.

Ive found clarity in my life. Ive focused more on my witchcraft and learning the craft itself. Ive danced in the rain and felt the rhythm of the earth, its heart beating beneath my feet. Ive started to learn Finnish even better than before, and my studies on homework have become so much easier because im not as distracted.

If it was up to me, i would never go back to being glued to my dopamine box. But...

If anyone who is following me and knows of my Amino, Ive been gone from it for awhile now. I worry that certain rules arent being enforced, or its becoming a hateful place. I left it in the hands of my staff, of course, but i still worry...

But regardless, Ill see if I can get an app that allows me to run mobile apps on my computer. I dont want to go back to using my phone unless i have to.

(Keep reading if you wanna see what I have to say about shapeshifting and stuff. I dont want this post to be eons of scrolling to those who dont want to read about it.)

Now, onto the important stuff that people might be asking me.

"Rio, did you fully m-shift and achieve your goals of shifting???" Well... no. Sadly.

Life has been really hectic, so Ive been focusing on the important, human stuff in my life, and have been struggling with balancing the important, animal stuff in my life. Im not going to lie, its easier to do now than it was before, but I still have to put effort into it.

With p-shifting, well... recently Ive been reading a lot of hate on p-shifting in general, how its wrong, how much actual stigma surrounds it, and im in a ditch when it comes to believing it will actually happen. Ive watered down my beliefs so many times for others online recently, that im questioning that they are true.

I know that they arent true. But, I know for a fact that even if I never p-shift, I will still be happy being who I am. Its a constant itch, and constant scratch to be who I really am, but I honestly believe that even if I never do p-shift, I will never stop being here, being a shifter and being happy.

In the end thats all its really about, seriously. Arent we just trying to be happy with ourselves, our identity, our lives? It hurts to even go a step outside of the shifting community, and see hours and hours of people talking about how horrible it is, how manipulative, how impossible it is. It makes me want to hide again in my little bubble and forget I ever saw it.

But it brings a sort of... clarity I guess? Many people who have never been apart of the community or have even ventured in will say "its impossible to do".

People who have been hurt, or have seen the hurt caused by misinformation and misguidance of shapeshifting will almost always say "p-shifting is manipulative, horrible, the people within it are blah blah blah blah blah...."

People who are apart of it but havent p-shifted will say "Ive seen so many success stories, Ive even seen my own progress with it and im really happy" And people who have shifted... well they either disappear quite quickly, or their stories are lost to deaf ears.

And after years and years of feeling like I have to fight against these people, show how I am, show the truth and understand it all... I feel domesticated by the reality that is always, constantly shoved in my face.

Nobody cares. Im trapped within society and I cant escape. I will never be free. I will never, ever be my animal. I am delusional for even believing it.

vitut.

I know that currently in my life, I am where I am. I cannot change it, because I am not old enough to. I know that I have and must make do with what I have, instead of wishing for things I do not have. Cougars are adaptable, we are survivors and change with our enviornment.

There will ALWAYS be time to be who I am. There will always be chance after chance after chance for me, I just have to grab it.

And ive noticed that I no longer have to force every single m-shift. It feels like just thinking about it, about mountain lions causes a shift. Ive gotten so comfortable in my living situation ive been vocalizing as my animal, jumping around on all fours and feeling like my animal.

Sometimes I worry that Ive become so obsessed with trying to m-shift that Ive forgotten that theres still more beyond it. While writing this post, I feel... excited for my future. I feel like p-shifting can happen to me. I feel like I am almost close to permanently m-shifting.

And let me tell you a little secret about m-shifting.

(There is no trigger for when you permanently m-shift. There is no way to actually know by just reading what others say it feels like. There is no actual way to do it.)

Permanently m-shifting to me, simply feels like a comfortableness with my animal. It feels safe, and okay to be who I am. And personally for me, after years of m-shifting, trust is what has brought me to where I am. (This might not be the case for everyone lol, figure out whats going on with yourself instead of using what I say to be the end all for you and your problems!) I was honestly afraid of my other side. That it was dangerous, wild, would hurt someone. I was also afraid that I would never actually get here and do this, because my mental shifts arent as strong or frequent as others. I was also afraid that it wouldnt work. So, so afraid that I would mess up and fail.

But I've learnt that... I am in control of myself. And being an animal IS myself. I have the control to be safe, and not harm others. We all do. Its an idea that has been presented to us through media, stigma, ableism and society itself. We always talk of people "losing control" or "flying off the handle". Werewolves are seen as beings who will rip your face off if they get mad.

We arent like that, you know that, right? I had to trust that I would be in control of my m-shifts. And even if my control has slipped, (such as when I had an m-flare in the middle of gym class) I was able to quickly recover because it wasnt appropriate at school to start running on all fours and hiding beneath the bleachers.

Ive also learnt that no, you cannot fail while m-shifting. There is no right or wrong way to m-shift. There is no way to fail an m-shift. M-shifting is just allowing yourself to be more animal-like, allowing your animal to be safe and comfortable with itself. Its complicated to explain the connection between our animal selves, and our human selves, but the most basic (not too accurate) way to explain it is that we are each other. You are your animal, and your animal is you. As you m-shift more this makes more sense, and you find your own meaning to what your connection, and your animal's connection is.

Regardless, even if I took breaks. Even if I wasnt dedicated, or spent all of my time m-shifting. I still am getting closer. What matters is the fact that you still care about it, and will do it when you can. Its unrealistic to believe someone could constantly be m-shifting actively, most circumstances make it very hard to do so. (Especially mine. I have divorced houses, 2 AP classes im taking, problematic siblings, responsibilities...)

It feels like learning a new language in a sense. Like, to m-shift is to constantly m-shift. To learn a new language is to constantly immerse yourself in it. Well... we cant really do that, so instead we go with short bursts of doing this, with interspersed passive learning, or attempting to m-shift when we can.

And nobody is barred from m-shifting. Let me let you know. NOBODY IS BARRED FROM M-SHIFTING!! Some people I know feel stuck, like they cannot m-shift. That its only involuntary. Listen. Listen listen listen.

There are many different ways to m-shift. So many!! Lots of people say "I cant meditate, and so ill never m-shift." Thats NOT true. Thats not true. I literally cant meditate lol.

And its not really attempting to voluntarily force a shift using triggers and stuff. I just think about it and try to feel more immersed in my senses, allow my perspective of life to shift more animal-like. AND, m-shifts do NOT have to be large, explosive things that change your whole reality and how you think and you want to crawl on all fours and you feel yourself p-shifting and fur-

Nah nah nah. Most shifts people will experience, at least how i know it, will be small, tiny shifts that you most likely wont notice unless you pay attention to it. Even if you arent trying to m-shift in the moment, even thinking about it may cause you to fall into a light shift. You do not need to have very impactful m-shifts to m-shift.

And I wont lie, my friend @dakotathewolf has helped me a lot, even with the endless ramblings on both ends (lol) I feel like we have both grown as people and understand more because of what we have taught each other.

I hope this helps you, dakota, along with anyone else who needs it.

#m-shift #nonhuman #p shift #proudphysicalshifters #mental shift #mental shifting #hope this helps #p shifting #pshift #shapeshifting stuff #about my detox #ily all #ask questions or ELSE

[stealingbones]

can i just,, rant about south park? (spoiler warning obv)

I never thought id be into basic american adult tv buthere we are- I recently got into it, feb 19th i started watching and finished the whole 26 seasons and two games (sot and tfbw) in a month. Just finished tfbw game earlier today and almost lost my mind fr bc wth man.... anyway, theres your background for how mentally ill i am, now-

South park characters have so much detail in their characters, right down to the little things, like cartman having to finish singing sail away or kenny liking oragami, like??? i love the little character details that nobody thinks about hello??

Its so hard to take them seriously with that stupid artstyle (the artstyle has grown on me and i love it sm but still, theyre hella goofy) but seriously some parts cut deep- especially the whole fucking covid thing, never in my life did i think id cry at fUCKING SOUTH PARK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I see a lot of angst and it actually makes sense??? And just,, a lot of stan's stuff is really depressing, i hate the episode(s) 'youre getting older' holy fuck. The fact that stan knows how to drive at 8 years old most likely because his dad is an alcoholic who drives drunk too is graaAAA,, I feel so bad for butters too, the innocent child who gets all the trauma dumped on him 💀 none of the kids in south park are safe from trauma, not even 'new kid' (they fr made you choose a parent, dude.....) one of my favorite serious moments though actually is when kenny tries to get them to remember his deaths, the like "TRY AND FUCKING REMEMBER." is so dramatic and im fbedhunfinjecnijef

also cartman being the only one to remember kenny's deaths waa,, Cartmanland he says 'what kenny? he dies all the time' and when kenny tries to make the others remember,, cartman isnt there so á, then cartman isnt shocked when kenny escapes wherever tf cthuhlu sent everyone. cartman did drink kenny's ashes so that could be the reason he remembers epic

also also, i didnt even think about it before until i seen just kenny and kyle at the bus stop, but stan and cartman moving away and just having two of the main four left at the iconic bus stop scene is so upsetting,, I enjoy the older seasons best 💔 Like season 10 and earlier man,, their early seson voices too omg <3 When they started doing season long stories was kind of annoying (edit bc new episode dropped, they put cartman back lmao,, still missing stan though man...)

Switching topics- No wonder style is more popular than stendy, it has more content than stendy even though theyre cannon dating 💀i think cartman and wendy interaction more actually. Wendy's kind of cool and i wish theyd make an effort to show her and stan together more often (even small things like they do with creek) and a few times its even shown how little stan cares, like with the texting thing or the time they broke up for a bit stan had said he hadnt talked to her for weeks... Stan doesnt deserve wendy tbh, i also always forget she killed someone for stan lol, they really dialed her crazy back,,

I probably have more random thoughts but these are the main ones,, the little guys have been doing laps around my brain for a month straight and i feel like im going to explode

#sp #south park

[ajxrn]

rant under the cut . doubt anyone will see it but who cares anymore.

.

I’m tired of not being interacted with.

I always have to start the conversation. My ask box is empty 24/7. Maybe once in a while someone else will start a convo with me. I constantly get notes and I look and its just the kosa post I made. I might turn rbs/notifs off or delete it at this point. Someone I thought was my friend fucked up our friendship and I realized they didn’t actually value me in the first place. I joined the discord right when everything fell apart and practically everyone left. Half of my friends aren’t online often. I’m active in the discord and try to fucking fix everything and keep it lively and fun for everyone and it feels like nobody else fucking cares as much as I do.

idk.

I’m just really lonely and I feel like nobody cares to speak with me yknow. I reblog or make ask games, and I don’t get asks any asks. I tag friends in posts and they don’t rb or just acknowledge them. People always liked and never reblogged my art so I gave up posting it. I don’t get tagged in stuff and that made me hate picrew/reblog chains so I don’t do them anymore. Im always initiating conversations. I vent too much and complain and I can be rude so maybe that puts people off from me.

I just feel like I have stressed myself by trying to put in so much effort just for others to…not? Even back then when I was an anon. I would send rambles and ask people about their day and be super friendly just for..barely any response.

The last time my friends seemed to care so much was when I made my suicide note post at like, what, 14? I was begged to stay. People said they loved me so much and I mattered a lot to them.

..And then the next day it went back to no interaction.

I have ONE fucking irl friend and I’m grateful to have her and she means the world to me but fuck I’m so lonely. I even just talk to my animals like people at this point. I try to send asks to friends and they never get answered or the replies are short. Nobody sees my posts despite the fact I have 44 followers. Which irritates me. And half of those people followed for art and I can’t even do that anymore.

i feel like everyone liked me better when I was in the Lu fandom and under the different name. I got way more interactions back then. People saw my art more even though it was bad. Friends sent asks and DMs. People responded to my tagging. I would reblog ask games and I’d GET asks. I would post something and it would get attention. But now it’s so empty.

I used to post a headcanon about a character and people would say they loved it. Now I do it and it goes unnoticed. I talk about shit I like now and nobody fucking cares. Nobody listens. It pisses me the fuck off. Oh but if I came back as old me and started talking about lu again I’d get SOO much fucking attention.

I saw friends talk to eachother in huge reblog chains. I saw people reblog their mutuals posts all the time. Constantly answering asks. Talking about dm conversations. Everyone I was friends with. It feels like being in a huge circle of people yet everyone forgot about you. Even when you cut people off they didn’t notice. And that really shows that you weren’t of value in the first place. They didn’t care. You meant nothing to them. There was always someone who mattered more.

I feel invisible and honestly unwanted. And that really fuels my whole abandonment issues. Its so nice knowing people will leave you because they always have someone who’s more important. Someone they favor. Someone more valued.

I could post a suicide note right now and suddenly people would care. People would want to talk to me. People would ‘like’ me.

that really shows that people don’t care until your gone.

#rant #Alexa play that one audio of the sad song mixed with shimmy shimmy ay shimmy ay shimmy yah #edit: what was I on when I wrote this dawg #edit again: I KEEP REREADING THIS ONE HELP WHAY WAS I ON??

[satans-arse-crack]

Hey my lovely tumblr blog thing, how ya doing 😏

It has been ages since I’ve like said anything on here like a solid couple of months I think. I just wanted to come here and vent for a little cause there’s a lot of shit going on and I don’t know how to feel about it. I know that nobody is ever going gonna read this but it’s kinda just my way of getting shit out yk. If anyone happens to come across this and actually read it then good for your ig 😭 (none of this is gonna make sense which is my it is a random ramble) anyways onto the rambling 😗✌🏻

-Here’s some music to listen to ❤️-

These past couple of months have been overwhelming to say the least. My PlayStation account keeps getting banned for no reason. I had I strange clash with a girl I used to be friends with and all her little pals, it wasn’t a fun interaction to say the least

School is stressing me out to the max and I have no clue what I’m going to do

My friends are really starting to annoy me but I can’t do anything about it. I wish I could drop them but 1) I have no other friends cause they are my only ones 2) I feel extremely guilty even thinking about that

My online friend has really been causing me the most idk stress, anxiety, upset? Idk how to put it. He’s just been such an asshole for the past like 2 months and it’s getting on my nerves. I got really close to him and for ages I used to get like upset or anxious if he didn’t reply to me (I think I’ve got some kind of anxious attachment or something, it’s some kind of anxiety) but honestly for the past couple of weeks and especially at the start of the month he was just such an ass that it honestly gave me so much of an ick I started not to care anymore.

Speaking of that friend OHHHHHHHHH HAS HE BEEN SUCH AN ARSE ABOUT EVERYTHING. Basically I had tried to explain to this boy about how and why I seem to get anxious or upset when he doesn’t message me back or seems dry, and the mf started to use that shit againt me as a joke. Now I introduced my online friend to my irl friend at the start of November right. And they kinda clash but there seems to be no hard feelings, well sometimes when he decides he want to clash with her he sometimes brings me into it. Sometimes he’ll bring up stuff to make fun of me (shit I told him in serious conversations in full confidence) like he’s brought up the fact that I cry a lot, the fact that I get upset when he doesn’t message me, the fact I have no other friends. The list goes on for ever

This friend also constantly mentions how he doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore, how he hates talking to me, how he can’t wait to get rid of me. It’s confusing, if he hates me so much then why does he always invite me to ps parties, why does he sometimes message me when shit happens with his family like??

Also I know this friend has constantly lied to me in the past and it’s now pissing me off

I just can’t with people anymore they stress me out so much

Half of me wishes I could go the rest of my life is solitude but the other half hates being alone

Another thing, I feel so genuinely alone, I have no one to talk to, no one checks up on me, no one seems to make an effort to talk to me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t remember the last time I had a friend check up on me and be like “hey are you doing ok”

And if I’m being honest I don’t know what my answer would be cause I’m not doing ok at all, I have no motivation or energy to do anything anymore, Im scared im slowly loosing interest in my hobby. I’m scared I’m pushing people away. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just sad .

I’m just sitting here and waiting for some good luck and fortune to come my way

I’m honestly considering starting a journal, just to write in when I feel this way or just any time I wish. Someplace to get my feelings out when it’s needed. I might go into town in the next couple of days and see if I can find a nice journal somewhere

It feels nice to do this, feels like I’m talking to someone almost. Although no one will see this and I’ll never get a response it’s nice yk

I’m typing this on my phone and my thumb hurts really bad for no reason 😭

Anyways I’m gonna leave it here, might go off and cry or I might go try and sleep who knows. Also happy late Christmas 🎄😁

Buh bye 🤭🥰

#Spotify

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

from an anon, about parents and school

(it's just long, that's why it's under a break XD)

here's my proposition: make parents understand that not every child should conform to whatever traditional career paths that exist. as an asian, i could feel the pressure to take science like a fucking boulder on my body. i have to rant a bit.

i am the younger sibling, my brother is two years elder to me. i was never instilled any curiosity in anything science related, i was kinda left all by myself lol. my brother tho, maybe because he was older or because he was a guy (yeah LMFAO), was encouraged AND involved in a LOT of coding, mechanix (its a construct-ur-own-stuff thing).

i guess i never really noticed until i was leaving middle school, that i was not as smart as him, and would probably never be. but i had other strengths he didnt have. i love writing, im pretty good at it. i am analytical and subejctive, i like thinking and making conclusions about things. i mean i guess i've figured out what i could be better at, right? but the problem?

its that my parents dont see it. its as if they dont know me or they DO know me and are just forcing the things they need onto me. it feels selfish of them to completely forgo my actual strengths. like YES OK i UNDERSTAND i can never be as smart as my brother, but u dont have to pretend like i can. because pretending that i can achieve whatever he has, is just going to affect YOU. because i have accepted long ago that some things arent for me.

they think i dont want to put effort into anything i do. that im lazy and want the easy way out. god, every time they say this i want to honestly show them that its the things IM interested in, where i put in the work. its so belittling.

ive written articles abt bts, their music, about how carl jungs theory of archetypes and i occasionally ask a lot of questions about the world to you (hi lol). i just dont get why they want me to waste energy on something im clearly uninterested in.

short answer, point to BTS and say, "They're Asian, they make tons of money. Leave me alone."

just kidding XD

If I'm being serious, I don't think they will change their mind. They will continue to force their ideals onto you, because they believe in certain career paths had assured success and that is what they are after. They either want you to make a certain amount of money, have a certain status in life, or simply know that you can obtain a stable job. To be honest, these are not really traditional career paths at all if you think about it. Becoming a doctor takes many, many years and it is hard ass work. Parents just make it seem as if these are the only jobs available to you, even if you know it's not true.

Men vs women in Asian countries, well, I feel everyone knows this, but many Asian parents born in their respective countries put more effort into their sons than daughters. Firstborn son? He probably walks on water to them XD

I understand what you mean when you say your parents do not understand. This might sound egotistical (it does now that I'm writing it, I am very sorry) but I was the one in my family who got the best grades. None of my siblings got better grades than me (basically I had a 4.0 from middle school to university), and do you think with all that I would be immune?

Nope.

I am good at the sciences and I am good at the humanities as well. I had an interest in reading, writing, and drawing. Reading fiction, I could pass it off to educate myself. Writing? I could pass it off as something for school. But drawing?

Woo, boy.

This was a constant fight. I do not back down (a rebel, wcyd) and I drew and it would get ripped apart. I drew and it would get torn up and thrown away. I drew and and would be beaten, yelled at, constantly belittled for my interest in it even though I was good at the sciences and math. To my mom (my dad doesn't count, he had zero interest in parenting) - if she did not think it was going to make money in the future, it was useless. If I could not spin it into profit, I should not be doing it (very fun childhood I had, yes). The most ironic thing is, after I became an adult, she suggested I start drawing again and sell it to make money.

Hello?

You literally forced me to stop drawing because you constantly connected it with negativity???

(not now, I have since stopped talking to her and started drawing again and it is purely for myself, not to show anyone else, I do not even post it on social media or show anyone irl)

Not saying your parents will act like mine, btw, only sharing my experience.

The idea that you'll never be as smart as your brother? That's bullshit lol. That's like saying intelligence is only valuable if it's science or math, which, as you know, is not true. You are you. He is himself. It is not you cannot do those things. It is that those things are not what you want to focus on. You have a limited amount of time in this life and you have chosen the things you want to delve into and explore.

You don't have to be good at everything. Everything is just not good enough for you.

I am of the mindset that you should try and learn everything you can about this world. I love learning, personally. I think knowing everything I know, from the humanities to the sciences, enriches my life and gives me a broader perspective.

But I totally understand how you feel, because being pushed into something makes you end up hating it. Parents push their kids to learn this or that and kids end up resenting schoolwork because it doesn't feel like something they wanna do anymore. It's just adults yapping in their ears and it feels pointless. Grades aren't everything. You think anyone cares that I aced Physics with Calculus I and II as an adult? LMAO, no one gives a shit. You passed, good enough XD

Here's how I think you should treat school. It's not the content that matters. It's you understanding how you learn each subject. Every subject is different and how you learn them is different. It is not because you are bad at the subject, it is because you haven't figured out the best learning style for you. Teachers have to teach a mass of students and, yes, I understand this seems very tedious to have to "teach yourself".

The skill in learning to learn becomes so, so valuable as an adult. It is how you maintain interest in things, how you develop new interests, and how will come to find meaning (in whatever you want to focus on finding meaning for). I'm not saying that you will be able to find your perfect learning style in every subject, but I am encouraging you to simply see it in that light.

And, you might find certain things to be not that important to you, in which case, just pass the class, it's totally fine if it's not going to help you for the career path you're going for XD Nobody asks me about the themes of William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" (tbh, a pair of overdramatic loons) or how I feel about Sigmund Freud (actually a twat, but that's neither here nor there).

Let them talk. That one that walks your path is you. Focus on what you want to focus on. They are set in their ways and they way to show them there are different paths is to walk them.

[panda-noosh]

im really bad with specifics anything you write about draco is great 🥺 so maybe something sweet with draco and reader?

god, draco is awful at this.

   how do people just do this so easily? honestly, anniversaries are so pointless, so stressful, and he doesn’t understand why they are a thing.

   but you seem to be into them, so he’s making the effort.

   he knows - this is very out of character for him. the day draco malfoy does something for someone else is surely meant to be the day the world ends, and yet here he is, standing in another random gift shop in hogsmeade, trying to decide what stationary set you would absolutely lose your mind over.

    and it’s not like he doesn’t know; in fact, there are some days where draco thinks he knows you better than he knows himself. you would definitely appreciate the notebook with the little corgis on it. you would definitely give him a kiss for that one.

    but what if he’s wrong?

   that’s what’s got him so confused; for months, he’s been set and certain on what he’s going to get you, because he knows what you like. but now that he’s actually got to come out and find what he’s looking for, he’s wondering whether he’s been right at all. does he know you like he thinks he does? what if he hands you the gift and you start crying because jesus, draco, i thought you knew me.

    he doesn’t want that to happen.

    he scowls, poking the corgi notebook as if that will somehow reveal the answers he so desperately needs right now. around him, fellow Hogwarts students bustle back and forth, picking up little gifts for themselves, because they can do that when they aren’t madly in love with someone. they can do that when they haven’t got a stupid anniversary coming up.

    “can i help you, my boy?”

   draco looks up. standing over him is Dakota Shrap, the owner of the quaint little shop he’s found himself in.  

    “yes,” he says. “i’m looking for an anniversary gift.”

    dakota’s eyes sparkle. “oh, young love, is it?”

   “i guess.” yes. very much so.

   “well, let me have a look here.” dakota trudges forward and flicks his wrist; all the goodies on the shelves move of their own accord, like a gear shifting. after a few moments of draco awkwardly standing with his hands tucked in his pockets, the shelves go still yet again, revealing a picture frame stood entirely on it’s own.

   draco raises a brow. “what good is that gonna do?”

    dakota plucks the frame from the shelf and shoves it into draco’s hand. “the magic doesn’t lie, my boy; if it says this is the perfect gift, then it’s the perfect gift. i’ll leave it to you to figure out why.”

    draco blinks. “right. okay. how much?”

   and so, draco pays the bill and heads back to hogwarts on his own; he left crabbe and goyle to their own devices. they would be nothing but an annoying distraction, and he can’t really afford to be distracted when he’s trying to get you a gift.

    he heads straight to his dorm in the slytherin common room and sits down on his bed, pulling he curtains round him. he stares down at the picture frame; he has a few pictures with you, mostly taken against his will. his mother wanting to capture the moment, or you playfully snapping a picture of you and him laying beside one another - draco never saw the logic in those, considering they were basically just evidence that you had sneaked out of your dorm to come join him. nonetheless, he glances over to his bedside table where multiple of those pictures are hung upon his wall; he likes them, he’ll admit. he may not seem like the type, but he loves a sentimental piece. he loves the memories with you.

    he reaches over and plucks one off the string. the picture moves. on loop, the flash erupts onto the page, revealing your beautiful, grinning face and draco’s exhausted wince. picture draco raises a hand, slapping it into the camera’s lens, and draco can remember himself grumbling, “get that camera away” before you burst out into laughter and nuzzled into his chest, having captured grumpy draco yet again.

    he likes this picture a lot, purely because every time he looks at it, he remembers your laugh. it was so loud that night, nearly getting the two of you caught, and yet neither of you made any attempt to move. you just nuzzled beneath the quilt, playfully telling draco to be quiet before the two of you fell asleep.

    yes, draco thinks. i’ll take this one.

   ----

    “an entire year.”

   you grin, skipping up to draco’s side as soon as you spot him from across the yard. you seem to be in fine spirits, and despite draco not having quite the same burst of energy as you, he must admit that he hasn’t been in such a good mood in a long, long time.

   “an entire year it is, mr malfoy,” you reply, grabbing his arm and doing a spin that makes draco roll his eyes. “to think i’ve put up with you for three hundred and sixty five days - mental.”

   “oh, hush. take this.” draco shoves the badly wrapped package into your hands. you stumble back in faux shock, staring down like it might bite you if you take your eyes off it for too long. “open it.”

    “you’re so bossy,” you whinge, but the excitement is evident in the glisten of your eyes as you drop your bag to the ground and start ripping into the wrapping paper.

   this is the part where draco gets nervous.

    there’s every possibility you won’t like it. maybe he should have just gotten you the god damn corgi notebook - you’d have more use out of that, and you love stationary, so why did he go against all his instincts and listen to some crazy old man who doesn’t even know who you are?

    these thoughts paralyse him; he wants to reach out and snatch the gift away, say “never mind!” and replace it with something else, but instead he stays rooted to the spot in front of you, hands tucked in his pockets, watching with baited breath as you drop the wrapping paper to the ground (you pick it up before you leave. don’t litter!) and stare at the picture frame once hidden beneath it.

    draco inhales sharply. your silence has lasted too long. you hate it. he’s messed up.

    “draco...,” you mumble.

   he panics. his hand snaps out and wraps around the top of it, yanking the frame from your fingers. you gasp, and before draco can flee the scene, you’ve grabbed his arm and dragged him back, snatching the frame back into your own grip.

   “what are you doing?” you hiss. “this is mine!”

    “look, it’s not much, i know, but-”

   “i love it.”

   draco freezes. “what?”

   “i love it, draco.” you look up, and it’s only then does draco notice the tears glistening at the corners of your eyes. “i didn’t realise you’d kept that picture. i thought you threw them all away.”

   draco scrunches up his nose, pulling away like you’ve just slapped him. “are you mental? why would i do that?”

   “because you’re. . . i don’t know! i just didn’t know you were into that stuff!”

   draco rolls his eyes. “i’m not, but you’re a special case.” he looks to the floor and mutters, “you’ve always been my special case.”

    you hear him. that much is obvious in the hitch of your breath, and draco curses himself for not taking more care with his words. nonetheless, he’s pleasantly surprised when you step towards him and cup his jaw, forcing him to look into your eyes. you don’t need to force him, though, because he swears he would get lost in those eyes of yours for the rest of eternity if he had the choice. he would abandon the real world and everything in it if meant he could stand here and look at you for the rest of his life.

    you smile. it makes his chest hurt. 

    “i love you, draco malfoy,” you whisper.

   draco doesn’t hear those words very often - in fact, he hears them from nobody but you. he never knows how to properly respond, because saying i love you too never feels like enough. like he’s taking the easy way out despite being completely willing to run across rivers, to snap the world in half if you asked.

   he reaches up and curls his slender fingers around your wrist, gently tugging your hand down to meet his lips. he presses a kiss there and says, despite wanting something else, something stronger, “i love you, too, y/n l/n.”

[mithranqueersmusings]

Before This Dance Is Through V

Chapter: 5/16

Rating: M (Smut Warning)

Summary: Ringo's being going through a dry spell for the last year or so and when he regretfully tells his best friend John, he insists on taking them to an all-male strip club for some "fun". Ringo isn't sure whether it's the alcohol, his desperation or a mixture of the two but he thinks he might be falling in love with a stripper.

Tags: AU - Strippers, Modern Setting, Smut, Slow Burn

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Despite what John had suggested, Ringo didn't go back to The Helter Skelter the following week; he'd considered it when John sent him yet another late night text but ultimately decided it wasn't the best idea. Spike had been playing on his mind daily and Ringo wasn't sure he was prepared to face him again. Instead he focused on his drumming and searched for a few more students to teach, which were fairly easy to find. Usually Ringo enjoyed his time off, he understood he was lucky that he didn't have to work a 9-5 job just to get by, but recently he wanted his fill his time up as much as possible, to distract himself.

One of his new students seemed incredibly interested in him, they'd spent an hour just chatting in his living room before they'd even moved over to the drum kit. Ringo wasn't too fussed, he was getting paid by the hour so wasting time was beneficial to him but he didn't want to give the guy the wrong impression. He was a little bit older and attractive enough but Ringo simply wasn't interested.

"Why didn't you just go for it?" John had asked him when they next met up.

"I dunno..." Ringo mumbled, but a part of him knew very well.

He'd given the guy another lesson since then and it became clear that the guy's interest in him wasn't going away any time soon. Ringo felt bad about the whole thing, wasn't he just doing exactly what Spike was doing to him? He tried to act as professional as possible the second time around in attempt to get the guy to back off, considering he hadn't heard from him since he was hoping it had worked. What was wrong with him? Was he really going to make himself suffer like this all because of one guy? And not just any guy, a stripper who had shown absolutely no interest in him at all. It was ridiculous, he kept telling himself, but no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he had to get over Spike, he would still think about him every day without fail. Trying to distract himself with clients had been working somewhat, but it had been difficult, especially when his best friend was John Lennon.

       youre gonna love me

The text came through when Ringo was sat in a café getting some lunch. He'd finished with one of his younger students, a sweet girl who's parents had tried to convince her to try a more 'ladylike' instrument but she had promised only to give up the drums if she was awful; much to her delight, and Ringo's for being able to prove the stereotypical parents wrong, she was pretty good. Seeing her always put Ringo in a good mood, the parents mostly stayed away partly due to the noise but mostly due to disappointment, which meant they could joke around together. Ringo could tell she admired him and he welcomed it gladly, one of the best things about teaching was inspiring others, at least for him it was.

        do i not already?

        well yes         but youre gonna love me EVEN more

        what have you done

        well i happened to stop by the club last night

        oh god what did you do

        wow is that how little you trust me

        can you blame me

        suppose not         ANYWAY i got talking to paulie

        surprise surprise

        do you want the good news or not???

        fine fine sorry

        AS I WAS SAYING i was talking to paulie         and he told me that your special little someone has an onlyfans account

        first of all fuck you for calling him that         second of all wtf is onlyfans

        oh sorry i didnt realise you werent living in the 21st century

        ......         care to grace me with your knowledge?

        basically its a website where you can post exclusive stuff for ONLY FANS to see         its not a porn site or anything but its basically where people sell their nudes         MEANING spike has an account so you can totally see loads of raunchy filthy perverted pics of him

        but i have to pay?

        well weve all gotta make a living

        i can basically see him naked for free

        but this way you wont get all freaked out and embarrassed         well you will but nobody will know at least         so do you want the link or not???

Ringo paused for a few moments, he was gripping his phone tightly in both of his hands as he unblinkingly looked at John's words. If his mind was going to decide to make him suffer by enabling his intense interest in Spike, he may as well get something out of it.

        fine

        where are your manners richard??

        can i please have the link to the strippers nude photos please john please

        alright calm down         let me know if its worth while i might have a look

        idk if im even gonna look at it         paying for porn is a little dated

        treat yourself ringo         id offer to pay but im broke

        if youre broke why were you at the strip club last night?

        well SOMEONE had to go

        they really didnt

        im supporting my local economy

        i dont think thats how that works

        sure it is         anyway here you go

Ringo stared at the link for a while, his eyes even began to blur, he didn't want to risk opening it in public even though he knew there was little chance of anyone seeing. He finished his lunch in a hurry and headed home quickly, only when he was in the privacy of his bedroom did he dare open it. First he had to make an account, when he saw the screen loading up asking for an email address and password he just turned his screen off and put the phone down. This was far too much effort for something he shouldn't really have been doing in the first place. But it only took a few minutes for him to pick the phone back up and begin signing up, he used an old email as it felt less seedy that way and he didn't want to risk his name cropping up anywhere for Spike to see. Now he could load up the link properly and take a proper look at Spike's profile.

Just looking at the small profile picture was enough to startle Ringo a little, the dark eyes looking into the camera with that unreadable glimmer behind them. He was shirtless in the picture, Ringo wondered why that didn't catch his attention first, with the frame cutting off just before it showed anything too explicit. The header was a photo taken from the club, showing him in tight, leather pants and tassels on his nipples which matched the whip he held in his hand. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He'd spent so much time and effort trying not to think about this man, attempting to keep him out of his mind as much as possible. Ringo knew that if he went through with this all that progress would be lost, he'd be giving in to whatever strange obsession he'd developed for Spike, one that no doubt wasn't going to lead to anything good.

Ringo kept staring at the screen as though it was going to tell him what he should do. Spike's profile had no description, which wasn't very surprising, and it dashed any hope Ringo had of discovering something new about him. Right before he was about to put his phone down again, it vibrated.

        howd the wank go??

        john i dont care how long weve been friends asking how my wank was will always be weird

        youre right sorry         so how did it go???

        if you must know         i havent had a wank         i havent even paid for entry

        now whos the one being inappropriate??

        ha ha

        why havent you???

        feels weird

        oh i see         youll consume a bunch of unethical porn for free but god forbid you actually give sex workers any actual money

        you are the last person who can lecture me about unethical porn

        hey now watch yourself         ringo if you dont get a subscription I WILL

        go ahead

        and ill tell you every day what sexy sexy pictures hes posting         ill tell you EVERY SINGLE TIME i have a wank over them

        every time? i dont think youve got enough data for that

        im not joking

        neither am i         you wank A LOT

        ringooooo just buy it i swear to god         if its not worth it or you regret it or whatever ill give you the money back

        on top of the money you already owe me?

        have you always been such a capitalist

        youre not doing a very good job of convincing me

        fine         spikes cock         now are you convinced???

        maybe

        naked pictures of spike whenever and wherever you want them all for the low low price of 10 quid a month         convinced??

        fine fine         if itll shut you up

        im starting to think thats code for 'i really wanna do this but im too embarrassed to admit it'

        i hate you

        now that DEFINITELY code for 'john youre right'         anyway theres no time to be telling me how right i am all the time youve got dick pics to look at         even i wont stand in the way of a good wank         so dont bother replying to me until youve paid for that subscription young man

        im older than you

        DONT BOTHER REPLYING

Ringo let out a sigh and rested his head against the bedroom wall from where he was laying on the bed. He opened up the link again and his thumb hovered over the subscription button, why couldn't he just do it? The money wasn't an issue, it could've cost half as much or be double the price and he'd still be debating it all the same. Somehow it felt like an invasion of privacy, after all Spike hadn't told Ringo about it himself, but then again that didn't necessarily mean he didn't want Ringo to see it. After all it was like John said: everyone has to make a living somehow. Sometimes Ringo wished he could turn off that part of his brain that was so empathetic, so concerned about how everyone felt and what they were thinking. He knew that he wanted this, so why wasn't he allowing himself to have it? Ringo could see that he was being ridiculous, as he was with almost anything involving Spike, and after lying there for a while pondering and debating he decided to flip a coin. Heads would mean he got the subscription, tails that he didn't. He watched the coin spinning through the air after he flicked it upwards, then snatched it and slammed it down onto his forearm before slowly moving his hand away: it was tails. What a relief. Ringo chuckled to himself for being so foolish, settling down into his bed; it was still only around midday but he didn't have anywhere he needed to be.

So why didn't he feel relieved in the slightest?

This whole thing was getting tiring, the constant debate between what he believed he should do and what he wanted to do, and it seemed like it wasn't going to be ending anytime soon. Apparently he was in this for the long run, whatever that meant, but if he was going to turn down relatively attractive guys practically throwing themselves at him, he may as well go all the way. While he was putting in his credit card information, he stopped to think around three of four times, but once he'd finished and the images became accessible to him, his brain was barely able to conjure up a coherent sentence.

"Jesus..." Ringo breathed out as his eyes flicked across the plethora of pictures loading up on his screen.

There was a lot of them, and a lot of Spike was on display. Most of them were pictures taken at the club, either from a professional photographer in the audience or photos he'd taken himself in the mirrors backstage - Ringo could even see glimpses of Paul in the background of some of them. The ones that caught Ringo's eyes the most were those that seemed to be taken in his house, these also happened to be the ones in which Spike tended to be fully naked. It was very different experience to see him like this: a static image that he'd intentionally taken of himself and posted for so many people to see, an image that couldn't look back at Ringo and make him feel that strange mixture of excitement and shame. He began scrolling down the feed which only revealed more and more enticing photos. Ringo began to feel himself hardening, he suspected it had been happening for a while now but he'd been far too distracted to notice. He felt like a teenager discovering porn for the first time, it was difficult to remind himself that this wasn't anything new. Seeing Spike naked shouldn't have excited him so much, and yet it did.

One picture in particular drew Ringo's attention: Spike was stood in front of a bathroom mirror with a loose black tie lying against his bare chest, one hand was holding a phone and the other gripping his cock. He had dark eye make up on and his hair was messy. Ringo wasn't sure exactly what it was about this photo that was so enticing but he couldn't take his eyes off it. The prominence of his collarbones, the faint curls of his dark hair, how his slim fingers wrapped around himself. Slowly Ringo slid his own hand under the waistband of his boxers as he stared at the picture. At first he hesitated, his fingers stopped right above the base. It's not like this would've been the first time he'd touched himself while thinking about Spike, it would've been far from the last he imagined, but this was different. It was more concrete, more of an admission. Nothing felt quite as real when it's only being imagined, the haziness of lust fuzzing up the mind as it so often did, but now with a very real photo of Spike in front of him - which he'd paid to see - the feeling was far more tangible, far harder to ignore.

He'd come this far, he told himself as his hand sunk lower until his fingers were running along the length of his semi-hard cock, he may as well go all the way. To begin with Ringo stayed looking at this single picture as he slowly pumped himself, but as his lust began to grow he perused through more and more pictures: Spike kneeling naked in front of a mirror with a loose cigarette hanging from his lips, lying in the bath with bubbles only just about covering his nakedness, spread out on the bed with a gag in his mouth, handcuffs forcing his slim arms behind his back with his cock throbbing. None of this was anything Ringo hadn't seen before, like most people in this day and age he'd searched through the darker corners of the internet - sometimes willingly, sometimes John was to blame - but to see Spike in such a way was like an entirely new rush. Each picture drove Ringo further and further on, at times he almost dropped his phone with how sloppy his movements were becoming. Who took these photos? Ringo figured it was best not to think about it, the possibility that Spike had a boyfriend who took all these pictures of him would've been the quickest way to kill his erection.

Ringo began moaning and cursing wantonly as he got closer and closer to his orgasm, he had to stop flicking through the pictures because he could hardly concentrate on what his other hand was doing, so he settled on a final one to help him finish; it wasn't particularly strategic but he was definitely grateful that he selected the one that he did. In it Spike was looking directly into the camera, allowing Ringo to gaze longingly into the rich brown of his eyes and how his dark lashes curled beautifully around them. He was shirtless with nothing but a necklace on, the same necklace that Ringo had seen him wearing in the record store and Ringo couldn't help feeling a sense of satisfaction that he'd seen it with his own eyes, as though it meant something. Deep down he knew that it didn't but his inebriated mind was latching onto it. The nudity in the photo was hardly interesting Ringo by this point, although it would be wrong to say that he completely ignored the flatness of his stomach or the faint shadows of his ribs beneath his pale skin, it was the personal aspect which truly affected him.

This wasn't just lust. Lust Ringo could understand, he could compartmentalise it and give into it without much shame or a second thought. If this was just lust, he would've bought the subscription without a care and touched himself looking at the nakedness of Spike's body as though it meant nothing more than a way to get off. Yet here he was on the brink of orgasm looking into another man's eyes, eyes that felt like they were looking straight back at him as though they were sharing this moment together. It wasn't hard to imagine Spike's hand in place of his own, those deep eyes watching Ringo come undone piece by piece. Ringo's hip began to stutter, his leg twitching a little as he had to drop the phone down onto his lap as his head fell back against his pillow as his orgasm approached. It wasn't the image of Spike's naked body that filled Ringo's mind as he came, it wasn't his arse or his cock or even his chest, it was his face, his voice, it was him.

Ringo lay breathless on his bed for a while, the clarity that arrived as his orgasm subsided wasn't welcome in the slightest and he was reluctant to pick his phone back up to see Spike's eyes looking at him once again. There was no use in feeling ashamed about it, no point in trying to deny it any longer: his feelings for Spike were more than a mere passing fancy, that was clear. Exactly what he was meant to do about these feelings was far from clear but that wasn't something Ringo could figure out right now with cum on his stomach and the daylight seeping through his bedroom curtains.

When he'd picked up his phone he'd closed all the apps immediately, doing his best not to catch a glimpse of what he'd been so eagerly looking at before. Just as he was about to step into the shower to clean himself off, his phone buzzed; he almost couldn't hear it over the music he was blasting out. It alerted him for a moment as though it was going to be a message from Spike stating he knew exactly what Ringo had just done - it wouldn't have really surprised him had that been the case, Spike's face almost always looked like he knew something that nobody else did - but fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, it was John.

        sooo how did the wank go

         who knows          but on a totally unrelated note im about to get into the shower

         well before you do that i have even more good news 

         can it not wait?

         NO because you might cum just at the thought of it and then youd be wasting a good shower

         well arent you considerate          and unnecessarily graphic

         thats me          anyway im taking you to the club next tuesday whether you like it or not

         im still waiting for the good news

         well if youd let me FINISH          next week theyre doing a special event and we just have to go          youll never guess what it is

         what is it?

         guess

         you just said ill never guess

         youre no fun

         WHAT IS IT

         alright alright keep your hair on          its a crossdressing event          high heels make up probably a few wigs all that good stuff

         im still waiting for the good news

         OH COME ON youre telling me you dont want to see spike in heels and fishnets with some lovely lipstick on

Ringo gulped. It wasn't a difficult image to conjure up his mind, considering he'd been staring at photos of Spike for the past twenty minutes and it excited him to say the least. He did want to see that, very much indeed.

#the beatles #beatles #beatles fanfic #the beatles fanfic #beatles fanfiction #george harrison/ringo starr #ringo starr/george harrison #ringo starrxgeorge harrison #george harrisonxringo starr #starrison

[bristlepaws]

alright i’m gonna try to put all of my thoughts on this together into one post so i dont have to say anything else about it ever again

Mike is not abusive. Lucy is not abusive.

Now, a disclaimer: if you have been abused, and you see elements of your own abuse in their relationship, that’s valid! The point of my argument is not to tell you that your relationship wasn’t abuse. You know better than anyone else what it was.

okay! now onto the meat.

To start off: evidence that Lucy is an abuser.

Lucy repeatedly hurts Mike physically from the start of the comic up ‘til December, from kicks and slaps, to hitting him with a stick, and everything in between.

Mike feels trapped in the relationship because Lucy depends on him so heavily

Mike feels cut-off from their friends, as he believes they will side with Lucy every time.

The comic started out as a slapstick one with kids in eighth grade; everyone hit each other to start with. Mike literally punts Yashy a few times. Lucy was the only one who didn’t grow out of it -- she continues to slap Mike on occasion. It never, however, follows a cycle of abuse. Abusers generally follow a cycle when they physically abuse someone: they lead up to physical violence with threats and emotional abuse, then physically attack the other person, then cycle through apologies and excuses and manipulation to keep their victim from blaming them. Lucy is physically violent with all of her friends, and does not EVER apologize or express remorse over it. I would label it as bullying behavior rather than abusive, which is terrible in and of itself.

Mike severely over-estimates how one-sided the dependency is. Neither he nor Lucy have any other friends that match the level of closeness they have with each other. I’m going to just c/p one of my other posts for clarification;

Mike and Lucy had the exact same “most people only like me cuz im attractive, Mike/Lucy is the only one who genuinely likes me for who i am” attitude regarding their other friends.

For Lucy : Daisy viewed Lucy as a romantic rival for Mike’s affection, and was pretty neutral and detached with any interaction outside of that. Paulo was interested in getting in Lucy’s pants and didn’t interact with her outside of hitting on her aggressively. David is partially there for Paulo, and partially there to ALSO hit on her. Sue and Amaya don’t interact with her much, but there is implication that they also see her as a romantic rival for Mike’s affection.

All of this results in Lucy believing that everyone has ulterior motives for being her friend. The various random middle schoolers that crush on her and call her hot encourage this view. Mike is the only one who doesn’t fit into this pattern; they met on the pretext of (what she saw as) friendly competition and nothing else. She was the one who initiated friendship, further proving that he doesn’t have ulterior motives.

For Mike : Daisy saw Mike as a romantic interest and didn’t interact with him outside of hitting on him. Paulo saw Mike as a romantic rival for Lucy’s affections and a person to insult. David is there for Lucy and Paulo, and doesn’t really interact with Mike outside of interacting through those people. Sue and Amaya both see Mike as a romantic interest.

All of this results in Mike… most likely ALSO believing that people have ulterior motives for being his friend. He takes note of the fact that many girls are interested in dating him in “Prom Preparation” and laments that fact, as he isn’t interested in any of them. Lucy is the only one who doesn’t fit into this pattern; she established their friendship on the pretext of competition, which he enjoys (though he wishes she was less harsh about it), and zero romantic interest. She also tries to stick by him even when he’s romantically unavailable (regarding Sandy), further cementing the idea that she isn’t using him for something else.

Mike and Lucy are both VERY reliant on the other person to be their only True Friend. they both crush on each other throughout the series, but it’s understood for both of them that they aren’t going to let that get in the way of other things. they both see past the exterior of the other person – Mike sees that Lucy is sweet and fun under her “hot” & spiky exterior, and Lucy sees that Mike is sweet and fun under his “hot” & humble exterior. They relied on each other to see themselves as like… real people, rather than either something to be Won or competed with.

On another note, Mike relied just as heavily on Lucy for emotional support — she comforted him every time he was upset about Sandy, had his back during and after Confrontation, and generally set aside her teasing if it seemed like he was actually upset about something. In return he protected her from her phobia of water, defended her from the ire and desire of their friends, and gave emotional support back. Their dependency was about equal in the end, though Mike later leaned heavily on the idea that she needed him more than he needed her (and was proven wrong, as recent chapters have shown).

The above paragraphs also illustrate that BOTH of them felt cut off from friends; neither of them felt that any of their other friends were dependable for much. When it came down to it, Daisy would always side with Mike and Paulo would always side with Lucy. Lucy felt equally sure that people, aside from Paulo, would side with Mike.

The main issue here, however, is that nobody spoke up about Lucy’s physical bullying of Mike. They all grew up hitting each other for the lulz, and when they all slowly drifted to a stop she didn’t. But Mike never acted like it bothered him, never said anything against it — so I have to assume that everyone, Lucy included, just inferred that Mike didn’t mind it. Mike resented this, but he never said anything about it, because he was used to it too. It took Sandy to help him realize that he didn’t deserve to be hit — but for some reason, he bottled it up and grew resentful instead of communicating with Lucy about it. Lucy, meanwhile, has been shown to be respectful of the boundaries of other people once they’ve clearly set them. It’s my belief that she would’ve stopped hitting if he had asked her to. In an abusive relationship, that just isn’t the case. Asking an abuser to stop doing something is a surefire way to be manipulated/gaslit and then for the activity to either remain the same or increase. We can’t know for sure because Mike never asks her to stop, but there is no indication that he never says anything about it because he’s afraid of retaliation. He’s not afraid of her at all, which is another point in the favor of it not being abuse.

Another important detail: Lucy isn’t controlling. When she finds out Mike is still interacting with a girl he originally left her for, she’s genuinely happy for him and gives him space about it. She gets pissed about it later when he isn’t being honest with her or himself, but is genuinely happy when he IS honest about it because she knows Sandy is important to him. Most abusers would not handle the situation the same way. If Lucy was abusive, she would’ve most likely reacted with anger and a desire to stop communication between the two of them. She could have used third grade as a way to guilt-trip and manipulate Mike out of interacting with Sandy, who posed a threat to their relationship. But she didn’t. This doesn’t inherently make her NOT an abuser, but it’s a tick in that direction. Lucy also doesn’t influence their friends to side against Mike at all. She’s just… living her life, not really giving a shit either way WHAT her friends think about either her or Mike. Abusers are generally very concerned with how they’re viewed. They put in a lot of time and effort to make sure they seem like nice, likable people. They’re especially controlling about how their victim sees them — Lucy never really influences Mike either way other than just Being Around As His Friend. She doesn’t seem to even care about his opinion at all -- until later on in their relationship, when she opens up to outsiders how much his opinion matters to her. But even at that point… she’s not really doing anything to influence him aside from just Being Nicer, which is something a normal friend would do and isn’t manipulative at all.

Overall, Lucy just doesn’t strike me as abusive. The physical attacks and general mean-ness are absolutely bullying and toxic behavior, and the relationship between the two of them is clearly codependent and toxic. But Lucy isn’t controlling, she isn’t manipulative, she doesn’t gaslight. She isn’t hell-bent on making sure Mike thinks only the best of her while making him think of himself as complete garbage — she goes out of her way to be as honest and frank with him about herself (aside from her crush on him) as she can. She was a bad friend, but not an abusive one.

Now, on to Mike!

Evidence that Mike is an abuser.

Lucy feels incredibly dependent on their friendship

Mike was manipulative during December

Mike is being manipulative and controlling after their friendship ended

Re: dependency — see above long paragraphs about their relationship.

December was a horrible, heart-wrenching chapter. Mike had bottled up feelings and built up resentment for a LONG time leading up to this, and all of it exploded out at once in an irreversible decimation of their friendship. And that’s exactly what he wanted it to be — he was tired of her trying to be his friend, and he’d hinted at it plenty of times, but enough was enough and he had to spell it out for her. He tells her he hates her. Explains that Sandy helped him see that it wasn’t right to let Lucy hurt him all the time. And then says that he’s going to stop hanging out with her at lunch. All of this is standard horrible-friend-breakup stuff; it’s the next two bits that get the honor of making the whole event Unforgivably Bad.

Mike tells her that if he leaves, all of their other friends will probably follow him. Lucy will be left alone.

This is an absolutely horrible thing to say to someone. To tell them that no one actually likes them, they’re just tolerated. That if all the friends were forced to choose between two people, they sure wouldn’t pick Lucy! And Lucy would be abandoned, which has been her number one fear since third grade (and why wouldn’t it be? humans are social creatures and NEED friends to survive).

But this isn’t abuse. It definitely rings as something close. In fact — (this is gonna be personal for the first time in the essay just to warn u) — the person who abused ME used a similar tactic, though with a different endgame in mind. When I rejected him the first time, he forced our friends into a position where they had to choose between us. His intent was to get me to relent and date him, to stop causing strife in our mutual friend group — or, failing that, to punish me for taking away what he saw as rightfully his (aka me).

Mike’s actions were similar, but his intention was very different. He wanted her to hurt; he wanted revenge for the way he had been treated, and he wanted to make it VERY clear that he didn’t want to be friends with her. He wanted, furthermore, to prove that he wasn’t in the wrong for this: he was the victim, and other people treating Lucy like she was a bully would be validating for his own victimhood.

I genuinely don’t think he was trying to manipulate her here. He was trying to hurt her badly and was succeeding in doing so. He was being absolutely monstrous, but not abusive. His intent with this was not to control; he was lashing out to hurt someone who had hurt him, which Everyone Does. It was horrible, but not abusive. It pushed Lucy into a depression, but it wasn’t abusive. It not being abusive doesn’t make it any less fucked up IMO. It was terrible and it had terrible consequences! It just was a different beast than abuse.

After Lucy comes back, Mike is clearly consumed with guilt. All he does for her first day there is hide from her and stare guiltily at her from a distance. He tries to talk to her a couple of times, but isn’t able to catch her alone. He gets antsy about old physical violence from her and yells about it, then tries AGAIN to catch her alone so they can talk but does it in a really weird passive-aggressive manner because she’s been acting weird and he doesn’t know how to handle it, and he doesn’t really want to deal with his guilt over what he said in December. She gives him the chance to apologize, but is openly resistant to it, and he ends up completely fumbling the ball and doing just a god-awful job of apologizing, and then getting overly defensive about Sandy and completely ruining any chance he had. He starts clinging to his victim complex with everything he’s got, because suddenly he can see how much he fucked things up, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He follows her again, because he misses her and hates her and misses Sandy and wants her to be there for him and wants her to prove that she deserved what he said to her. He’s called out for glaring at her and is Reminded Again That Sandy’s AWOL.

But most of this isn’t what people point to when they’re saying he’s abusive — this is all just him being a freak, but like, a normal freak. It’s in Witch Hunt that he flips into the extreme again. He starts ranting and raving about how obsessed Lucy is to Daisy, despite like… having just seen how much she doesn’t want male attention…… I think it’s partially because he’s used to her leaning on him when others ramp up their romantic attention for her, because he used to be the one that would just leave her alone in that regard. Plus there’s the whole messed-up-about-Sandy thing that Lucy used to swoop in and comfort him for. But I’m getting off track.

He starts ranting about how obsessed she is with him. Daisy is immediately like “I don’t think she is dude” but he relents, so she snaps at him and storms off.

From what I understand, people are reading this scene as abusive because they interpret this as him trying to control how others see Lucy. He’s ranting about a mutual friend he’s having trouble with, which he HAS done about Lucy in particular a number of times. I can definitely see where people are coming from with this one. If you look at it a certain way, it comes across as him trying to slander her name. But it could just as easily be him ranting about a person he’s having trouble with, which everyone does, all the time. I’ve ranted about a person I don’t like to people plenty of times, and it was never ABUSIVE, because all of the other requirements for abuse weren’t set into place.

This, IMO, falls under the same category as Lucy’s physical violence. It’s definitely present in abusive situations, but there are guidelines for abuse that it just doesn’t fit into. He doesn’t have control over Lucy or any of their friends in this scenario. He isn’t using this to try and isolate Lucy; he’s just trying to get his friends to see his side of the story and help him feel better about the awful way he treated her. It’s Super Shitty, but it isn’t abuse.

In summation: I get the bits and pieces that people see in their relationship that matches up with abuse, but there just isn’t enough there to label either Mike or Lucy abusive. The basic requirements for abuse haven’t been met. There are things present that can definitely happen in abusive relationships, and their relationship was absolutely toxic and bad, but it isn’t abuse.

As a final note of evidence that I fall back on every time the subject comes up: both parties have been offered up as possible abusers. Lucy has been stated by many to be possibly abusive, and Mike has been stated by just as many to be possibly abusive. But they can’t BOTH be abusive — that’s not how abuse works. They can be mutually toxic toward each other, they can both exhibit bullying behavior, but they can’t be abusing each other at the same time. Abuse only works when there is an abuser and a victim. There is always a victim, who is not at all at fault for how the relationship is! And Mike and Lucy both played their part in their relationship becoming as toxic as it is. So it literally CANNOT be abuse.

#long post #bittersweet candy bowl #if anyone comes into my inbox telling me that the victim can actually be at fault for abuse i will smite them on the spot #OR lead them to therapy very gently because that's something abusers teach their victims and it's Focking Incorrect #bcb ramblings #bcb analysis #ok now ive said my piece and i never have to talk about this again #IT'S SO EMOTIONALLY DRAINING FOR ME GOD.......

[seungmines]

tutor au | dance instructor minho

lee minho was the fuckboy of your university

and everybody knew that!!!

except for you (u just thought he was hot <3___<3)

so when you decided you wanted to switch your major to dancing

your best friend woojin was like

“NO!! Y/N WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER-?”

and u were like ?? i love to dance ?? let me dance william ??

since you were a first year, you had no idea about any of the students at ur uni or ANYTHING

so you’re all excited the day before your first class and even more excited that a student usually led the class

since teachers gave you big anxiety and it’d probably be easier talking to a Fellow Peer.

u were wrong.

the next day, u were getting ready for class and as usual, woojin stopped by ur dorm with coffee like the perfect angel he is but he was in a Very sour mood that morning

“wake up on the wrong side of the bed, princess?”

“SH- SHUT UP!!! i’m nervous for you today :(“

and ur heart is like :( aw william its ok :( but ur brain was like

“what’s the big idea with this class anyway? why are u so stressed out??”

“minho is the student teacher”

“ok”

“OK!!! SO BE CAREFUL”

and ur like: i’m More than capable of taking care of myself <3 minho ain’t shit

yeah No

when you walked into that class On That Fateful Day.

minho’s eyes were the first ones on you and Boy were you flustered when he smiled at you

and

OH GOD HE’S WALKING TOWARDS U

good luck homie ur gonna need it.

you were so zoned out that when he was like “hey!!!” you didn’t hear him

so like any normal human being, minho yelled a Nice Loud “YAH!” which caught the attention of the whole class including yourself

all the girls were like >:( no Lee Know look at ME!! >:( but he was like

“are you y/n switched majors, right? hope you can keep up.”

minho then moves in front of the class and starts the warm ups

and u were like ??? I DONT KNOW ANY OF THESE ???

so u start stretching the way you normally did at home before you’d dance

which earned you some dirty looks but you didn’t understand Why

to make a long and tiring story short, your first class kicked your ass.

so when you were headed towards the door, you were stopped by None Other Than Lee Minho

“saw you struggling today.”

“yeah, i didn’t know you’d be right in the middle of learning a dance.. i feel so dumb switching majors because criminology was so much easier and i-”

“why don’t you come to the studio tomorrow night? i can help you learn if you want.”

and he was so confident you were going to say yes

because he’s lee minho and nobody really rejects him

but you heard woojins Annoying Ass in the back of your head

so you kindly said no and instead asked for a video of the dance for reference so you could practice later

which he gave you but not without bothering you

“are you sure you don’t want my help tomorrow night?”

“it’s easier with help from a real person, you know.”

“what, you don’t like me?”

you had to admit that saying no to him was Really hard because he was so captivating but you also knew that woojin would have an actual heart attack over you spending time with lee minho at Night.

so when u got home to ur small dorm and made urself some nice cheap chicken flavored ramen, there was BANGING ON UR DOOR and ur like O____O WHO THE FUKC

but don’t worry it’s just woojin <3

but woojin brought his friend w him and was like “hey <3 we were in the neighborhood.”

and u were like Woojin U Live Two Doors Down From Me but his friend was lowkey cute so u just shut up rlly quick ok.

woojin was like >:D this is my friend, CHRIS.

chris was really sweet to u and stuff and woojin was like nudging him the whole time they were over which made u suspicious but you’d bring it up to him later

“so how was your first day of class?”

“GOD SO. i zoned out when i first walked in, you know like how i always zone out, and Lee Minho Walked Up To Me and yelled and got my attention and all the girls in that class were so judgy, woojin i wanted to DIE. and then!!!! after class fucking minho walks up to me and asks if i want to practice with him tomorrow night-”

and woojin cut u off right there and threw himself at ur feet

“PLEASE TELL ME U SAID NO”

“i did.. why?”

chris who was watching you vent about minho in amazement was like

“that’s how he gets you, most girls never actually Practice with him.”

and the dots connected in your head and you were like WOW ARE U KIDDING

you felt really gross after that

why were men so GROSS

“men disgust me… no offense.. or Full Offense if you pick up girls like that..”

chris was like “if it was ME-”

and woojin was like “ME AND CHRIS HAVE TO GO NOW BYE Y/N” and fucking left while chris was mid sentence

so you cleaned up your Tiny dorm and practiced stretching like how they did in the class that day and then watched the video minho gave you to reference which OF COURSE was a video of him dancing

and boy were you fascinated with how good he was

but you got a lot of the dance down that night.

after ur shower u got into ur bed and chris followed u on instagram and u were like

wait.

waaaaaaait.

so ur thumbs went to work texting woojin like “what the fuck”

“did u like chris :D”

“am i that single that u have to set me up with your friends?”

“no.. maybe… he LIKES u…”

“whatever.”

so then you text chris who opens your message immediately and is like

“there’s a party at my frat tomorrow night <3 wanna be my date”

and ur like Not really. but u reply with “sure!!” and ok

wow so u got a date

but u know whos a frat boy?

Lee Know.

but u didnt know that

the next day you didn’t have a lot of work to do so you just!! practiced some more and chilled out until you had to get ready for the ~party~ and it was your first!! university party!! so you went ALL OUT and you looked like a FREAKIN SNACK

and chris was late picking you up but you told him it was okay

and things were fine

but woojin wasn’t there and he was always there whenever you were drinking

like your own lookout and that made you a little hesitant to drink at first but chris Insisted and you gave in

turns out minho was watching the whole scene

yeah okay he had a girl on his arm

but thats another story

it turns out that chris wasn’t as sweet as you thought he was

this became news to minho when his date uttered something like “another day, another helpless girl- that poor thing.”

and minho was like HUH?!!?!?!

and she explained how chris would get girls drunk and take advantage of them

minho didn’t like that

one.

bit.

you were on the verge of being completely wasted when chris asked if he could take you home which you said yes to immediately because you didn’t want to embarrass yourself while being drunk

but as you were being led out of the frat house, minho was leaning against the frame of the entrance

!!!!! wtf RENO?!?!

chris was like -____- what do u want

nd minho was like ? duh im taking y/n home?

u nd chris were like: BITCH- NO.

you don’t remember exactly what happened but the boys exchanged words and before you knew it, you seen chris being tackled to the ground and minho was goin AT IT BRO

and you were like wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

seeing the fight made you sober up a bit and honestly to be honest, minho was losing

w his stupid ass

chris got tired of beating his ASS and stood up, nodded at you and made a gross remark about you before walking away

and minho tried to get up and fight him again but he was WHOOPED

so you let him take you home

and cleaned up his face and knuckles

and made up the couch for him because he was exhausted and you figured he deserved to rest here since he DID stand up for you and save you from god knows what chris was going to do

but he was still minho the fuckboy

and woojin, barging into your dorm at the crack ass of dawn, was VERY unhappy to see mr Lee Know.

“hey y/n i brought coffee- WHAT THE FUCK.”

“morning, princess.”

and u forgot minho was on ur couch until u looked at him sleeping peacefully- nd he looked like a FUCKING ANGEL!!!

you then explained the situation that happened last night and woojin was like “it really be ur own people.”

no but woojin was really upset bc he adored u and didn’t want anything bad to happen to u

and blamed himself for not going to the party w you

your lil moment was interrupted when minho Rose and his shirt? gone!

so there he STOOD in just his sweatpants and man did he look like a SNACK

“am i interrupting something?”

“NO!” u said

“YES!” woojin said

minho jus smirked at u and put his shirt on, meeting ur eyes as u stared

but CAN I BLAME U? NO, HES A SNAKC!!!

anyway minho thanked u for letting you crash there and said he would see u later for class

BECAUSE OYU HAD CLASS!!! WITH MINHO AGAIN TODAY

woojin was like “-____- maybe i should come to class w you”

and u were like “william baby girl,,.. No”

woojin still doesn’t know why you call him william

you drank coffee and spilled tea w your bff as usual

and then it was time to get ready for class

nd woojin chilled on ur bed while u went and showered

in the shower you couldn’t stop thinking ab minho!!!

his stupid pretty eyes nd his stupid pretty EVERYTHING!!

you zoned out and woojin had to yELL to bring u back to earth

anyway you got ready and put a lil bit of effort into ur look! bc u were gonna see minho.. its really gross of u but thats FINE

imagine being a het :/

so class was torture like not as bad as before but it was like minho made things way harder jus to piss you off

after class, he didn’t approach you and you wanted to thank him for the previous night.. you know, sober.

so you walked up to him and he looked a Lil flustered but quickly covered it up and let a look of amusement spread across his features

“miss me already?”

“i just wanted to thank you for last night.. i still don’t know how to like.. show my appreciation!!”

minho was looking at u and u looked like an angel to him and he HATED it.

he had a class full of girls who were basically in Love with him but he was drawn to you only and it made him MAD!!!

“it’s whatever~ don’t worry about it.”

and u were like bet! bye!

and turned around and started to walk away

“wait!”

you spun around and he was Right there

“let me buy you food at least… i seen the lack of it in your dorm.”

the lights in the dance studio were dim and the only light that was coming in through the windows was the dulled brightness of the sun setting

all of the lights and colors hit your face perfectly

what a perfect opportunity, you know?

minho leaned in and before you knew it, you were leaning in too.

it was like you were both sent into a frenzy when your lips met each other

but nothing went too far because when minho tried to reach up your shirt

woojin barged into the studio and was like >:(!!!!!

but the three of u laughed it off nd yea!

btw woojin is so gay, but every1 thinks ur the love of his life

and u ARE!!

platonically

but romantically? woojin has a bf

and now so do u!!

nd yea everyone was doubtful bc it was Minho.. the FUCKBOY OF UR UNI

but you made him big happy!!! and he helped you dance

and fed you whenever you were hungry

and rarely ever slept at the frat house since he was always in your bed

every single night

clinging to u

its so CUTE!!

im happy for u <3

#lee minho #lee know #lee minho imagine #lee know imagine #stray kids au #lee minho x reader #lee know x reader #woojin!! #kim woojin #stray kids x reader #stray kids #tutor au #bang chan #chris bang #christopher bang #i made chris an asshole #im sorry BABY GIRL!! #fuckboy!minho #dance line #stray kids dance line

[coup-de-maine]

How to enter a fandom - RPC

Hey guys, time for a friendly PSA from yours truely~

So I’ve been in and out of a lot of fandoms, made friends, enemies, frenemies, grave mistakes and happy accidents. I also see a lot of people come in other fandoms. Most of yall do great but I see some people carry in this weird sort of self deprecating attitude that can immediately turn rpers away from them, which results in; more of that self deprecation. So Im here to hopefully help out with the best ways to enter a fandom or an rpc, make your presence known and make lots of wonderful friends.

Now the first, and most important thing, and I notice a ton of people struggle with it is:

General attitude. 

Let me give two examples of some first time posts.

“Hey! I’m new to the fandom. I know my bio and my theme sucks but would anyone like to rp? Maybe?”

VS.

“Hey! I’m new to the fandom. My bio and rules are located here, though they’re still under construction I’m really eager to develop them with interactions!”

Now I know the first one is tempting for a lot of reasons. You might not even feel like its all that bad, but up next to the second one it actually sounds a little...depressing, monotone, dry. Even though they start the same, one ends with me feeling like: this person really doesn’t put effort into things, they dont even really want to be here. All my threads with them are going to be lazily written or probably written with half baked enthusiasm.

The second person is happy to be here, eager to interact, admits that since they’re a new blog not everything is perfect. Yet, they don’t talk down on themselves or make it seem like anyone who talks to them will only be taking pity on them.

This is actually a big problem I see in the rpc. Making people take pity on you for interactions and the rule with that is simple:

don’t make people feel like they have to take pity on you. 

It’s a knee jerk reaction, I know. We’re all awkward humans on the internet who want to play up our faults. Who wants to say “My stuff is SO awesome! It’s the best”??? 

Well. You do. You’re new to a fandom. People already have established relationships, character arks, possibly with another version of the muse youre playing. Backstories so detailed it’ll make your head spin. You are literally selling yourself to these other rpers. Don’t sell them “A vacuum cleaner that sucks. No, not sucks up the dirt, it just sucks. Like me, Im trash and dont even have a working vacuum” No one wants to buy a vacuum cleaner that sucks.

Hate to break it to you, but when you say you suck, or your stuff sucks; people are gunna believe you. Or they’re just gunna pity you. And thats not great either. 

Heck you might think; why not? So long as they rp with me, whats wrong with that? 

Well... lots of things but mostly; pity isn’t a good feeling. Nobody wants to feel guilted into rping with you. Imagine seeing someone on your dash constantly posting about how no one likes them, their character or interacting with them. How they wanna die because they never get asks, no one likes their starters. (Sound extreme? I’ve seen it.) It makes you feel bad right? It makes you wanna like them but like- where do you even start??? They don’t even like them?? What common ground do you have?? “Hey, I see you hate yourself... uh... I hate you too?” Not great. Actually bad. You don’t know how to approach this person without becoming an emotional crutch, and you know they’ll latch on to you and suck every positive emotion out of your body so how do you win?

So lesson one is; People don’t want to be forced to feel so bad that they rp with you, they want to feel inspired to. Inspire some dudes! (or non-dude identifying people)

Presentation!

This is everything. Present yourself. You don’t need flashy icons or a cool promo- let me tell you, I’ve made some shitty promos in my life. See Here

That was my promo for a long as time. Until it was THIS that a friend made for me (A friend that I made. Through how awesome I presented myself. Thanks Vee, if you see this I still love you)

I can’t stress enough how important attitude is because I’ve had both a shitty attitude and a great one in the RPC and let me tell you, nothing kills a blog faster than a shitty attitude. Wanna make a self deprecating posts about that meme that you got 0 asks for? NUH UH. Think again. PITY = BAD, SHORT LASTING FRIENDSHIPS. INSPIRED = SUPER AWESOME HAPPY FUN TIMES FOREVER.

Yo, present yourself in a way that makes people wanna approach you. Get them interested, say something wacky or edgy or if your character is self deprecating then self deprecate through them but DO IT IN A FUN WAY. The people who care about icons and fancy promos usually aren’t worth lasting friendships either. Sometimes they literally spend more time formatting than writings something worth while for you. (some of you really balance it and just love formatting but u know im not talking about u Im talking about those that literally wont talk to us that dont)

So present yourself well and be genuine.

--- WAIT WAIT WAIT- be genuine?? What if my genuine self is self deprecating and negative? 

[JOHNNY TEST NOISE] 

HELL NO shut the what up I know you’re not, I know that’s a reflex to cover up how insecure you are, I know you hate how pathetic and small you feel so you point out all the things wrong with you before someone else can. That’s not you, and you are capable of more than that.

Dude. (and non-dude identifying peeps) I’m gunna say it again. I’m gunna say it a million times; one day it will sink in. Everybody feels that way. 

What?? Octo ur so cool and confident tho

You know how you never noticed?? CANT SEE MY HANDS SHAKE THROUGH THE COMPUTER.

DONT KNOW HOW LONG I HESITATED BEFORE SENDING THAT ASK MEME TO YA.

The internet is a playground because you can trick people into believing whatever you want about yourself. YEP even good things!!! You don’t have to wear your flaws on your sleeve, and you certainly don’t have to wear them like a full body cast that prevents you from doing anything fun in your life.

Take the cast off, take a risk. You literally have nothing to lose. Especially if no one interacts with you as is anyways.

Be mindful

This is more of a trick I use to make myself feel better. I don’t follow a lot of people so my dash is pretty slow. It’s fairly easy to tell when people are and aren’t active/online so I literally have to trick myself sometimes but;

If you reblog a meme and get nothing, step back and ask yourself; am I sure anyone even saw it? and are the people who did maybe to shy to send anything? Or maybe nothing in that meme applies to their character.

As a mute character I am VERY restricted to what memes I reply to. As a character who speaks VERY LITTLE I am VERY restricted to what dialogues I can send at all. This means I’m required to edit memes a little (this is allowed by most meme creators btw) or I need a very good relationship with a character in order to say/sign that many words at them.

And worse case scenario, queue it and reblog it again/later. Its no biggie, some memes don’t make it.

Self reflect

Check out people on the dash. Do they have interactions? What are they like? Is their character more welcoming? Maybe you’re character is more intimidating. You might need to actually seek out interaction.

Tumblr has this huge enigma where everyone wants asks but no one wants to send them. Curious anons come from someone, magic anons come from your peers, followers, friends. Some of them are pretty obvious. Want asks? Send them. We really need to get the ball rolling with this because its honestly a problem. Show some initiative and reach out. It actually feels pretty good seeing someone react to your outrageous anon. And its a lot of stress relief if you play an otherwise very serious character to get to branch out and be silly.

So you send asks, you like starter calls- why isn’t it working?

Well, a stranger knocks on your door and tries to get to know you. Its a little awkward- it can work sure in some cases. But in most you’ll probably close the door and phone the police.

The RPC isn’t as strange as that but what’s easier? Talking to a muse you’ve never met from a blog you’ve never seen before? Or writing a thread with your best bud, throwing in inside jokes and references to your favourite shows- teasing each other about that one embarrassing thing that happened to your muse- yeah. Yeah you get it.

If you have history or at least an idea what someone is like, you will want to interact with them more. I don’t know if you’re some mean... meanie pants whos gunna smack my muse because he offered you a cookie. And maybe you are, but if I don’t know you, or know that your muse is deeply traumatized by cookies, I might take that as you saying “Ew no get away I never wanna rp with you”.

It sounds harsh, but I KNOW it happens. It STILL happens to me, even with people I’m friends with. Even if someone has multiple blogs and I get on fine with one muse, if the other hates me I might get uneasy about sending in asks cause I feel like I’m directly bothering the mun (who I love on this blog but WHAT IF THEY START HATING ME THERE TOO???)

Separation is tricky. We all get jealous or feel neglected when our partners focus on another thread/ship or send mean angsty replies which is why its important to check yourself remind yourself you have value, mun =/= muse and that it’s all in good fun.

Have Rules

UGH no!!! Not rules I hate rules, I dont want to restrict anyone!

Listen. I get it. I was a rule-less blog for a long time. But you know what? You need them. Not just for you, but for the people who wanna interact. I still feel the need to ask people who have rules what they are and aren’t comfortable with. You might not realize it but shit can go down in rps especially in certain fandoms. Even if its just the basics. Write them. They matter.

Unless you’re fine with someone literally controlling your character, or a blog you dont even follow who RPs David Letterman tags you in a smutty thread where your muse and him are married and he’s heavily pregnant with 4 narwal baby’s I- I think you can see where I’m going.

If its just the basics, thats fine, everyone loves seeing that. No god modding, not forced shipping, ect- great. Less for me to remember. Add to it if you need to. Everyone experiences rp different. Make your experience a comfortable one.

(And stay tf away from me Preggo-letterman)

Step away.

If you’re feeling negative, just step away. Do not make a big post about it alerting everyone who follows you because they might not all respond well. If you have close friends in then fandom you can go to, talk to them, vent a little, or just remove yourself and get those feelings out. But remember that no one here is equipped to be your therapist, and we cant all be expected to take the burden from you. It is up to you to regulate your emotions. Use coping skills but please don’t make the fandom or your blog a toxic place to be.

You don’t feel good, and no one reading your posts feels good, and building friendships on not feeling good is just... completely not good.

Im not saying you must be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but feeling bad feels bad and even though rping is just a hobby and a past time you are still reaching into other peoples lives. Leave a good impact, try to be someone you would want to meet in the rpc. Make it a better place.

Tips and Tricks

If you leave with nothing else, please take these:

Send Messages. 

IM people, send them asks, get to know them before RPing.

Be kind.

Be generous.

Be enthusiastic.

Be happy.

#PSA!!! #Im so so so SO sorry its so long #I tried really hard to make it entertaining #anyways I just get a lot of people asking me how to enter the RPC and... #I wish I had heard this shit when I started lmao #rp #tumblr rp #roleplay

[unironicduncanstan]

total drama / darkest minds au

some ideas ive got going for my au cuz im an angst lovign fuck,,,

so if you havent seen the movie or read the books the rundown is, every child/teen on earth starts gaining powers or (more often) dies in the process, their powers correlate to the color their eyes glow whenever they use it, government decides to put survivors in camps, story follows runaways, angsty YA dystopian adventure stuff ensues!

the main characters+powers i thought out so far are

courtney is green (supergenius)

duncan is blue (telekinetic)

izzy is red (pyrokinesis/fire breath basically)

gwen is yellow (electrokinesis/can manipulate electricity)

heather is orange (mind control/memory manipulation)

cody is also a blue but he cant control his powers very well yet and duncan is,, Not very excited to train him

i was thinking noah could be a sarcastic ass green and at first nobody even believes him when he says hes green bc every single smart comment is filtered through a layer of sass but when he starts putting effort in he actually becomes a good asset

timeline;

in the actual story theres quite a few big escapes from the camps so i imagine them all leaving at various points and finding each other later on

duncan and gwen (the two goths) team up in the escape and izzy finds them and kind of just,,,, doesnt leave 

same with cody and noah later

finally theres courtney, who escaped on her own way before any of them did and shes doing jUSt FIne until they all infiltrate her hiding spots

and then theres heather who,,, they want to keep around bc oranges are considered in universe to be the strongest/most dangerous but they start to regret that decision, really fast,

backstories; 

courtneys so smart that when she developed her powers hardly anyone noticed a difference. she only got caught when the govt really started cracking down on survivors

as soon as duncan got his powers he immediately started using them to get into trouble and thought it was pretty cool actually till all the government takeover shit started happening. in this universe parents are heavily encouraged to turn their kids in when they get powers and since his parents were cops (something im dragging into this story too) he just decided to run away from home, and still ended up getting caught bc again, he ca nnot stay out of trouble

cody got his powers while he was bedridden with the flu, so it was a pretty uneventful time but he thinks thats why his powers turned out so weak and hard to control

izzys so wild that her parents dont pay a lot of attention to her anymore (a hc i have for main universe izzy too r.i.p.) so her situation was pretty much the same as courtneys, no one suspected anything till govt officials showed up at her door and she blasted them out with a fireball

heather was actually the most freaked out by her powers and pretends to embrace them now because she likes the control aspect of it, but deep down she wishes she had gotten literally Anything else

gwen was also freaked out by her powers, she couldnt use any electronics without frying them and (much like the main electrokinetic character in tdm) had to wear gloves for a while to avoid destroying everything

noah just didnt. really care till he got to the camp and constantly got in trouble for mouthing off to the guards (greens have to do forced labor and arent even allowed to make eye contact with guards, you tell me that little twink wouldnt have his feet up on the table and be sayign shit like ‘since im so smart ive decided that this is bullshit and you should be working for me’)

relationships;

yall know i hate all the love triangle stuff so i just imagine duncney, similar to how it happened in tdi aka slow burn annoyance that turns into ‘oh no s/hes hot’

gwen and courtney are tight af bc thEy DesErVe ThaT FrIEnDSHip ,

izzy is also somewhat in the gal group and heather woudl rather die than associate with any of them

duncan is (begrudgingly) training cody to use his powers better so theyre,,,, al most fri en ds? ?

noah is more tight with these people than heather is but in a similar boat where hes just kinda. along for the ride and doesnt rly want to get close to anyone,,, feel free to turn that into a slow burn noco thing at your own discretion,

anyways thats all i got rn i wish i had the energy to write a fic or smth but i gotta get school done first so please humbly accept what my brain has compiled

#total drama #tdi #also im sure this goes w/o saying but if you like the idea you got full permission from me to do your own content with it ! #and tweak things to your liking/add or change characters etc etc etc this is just my ideas for it so pls have at it! #theres more characters i wanted to add in too like dj and dawn and p much anyone on my favs list but hhh #there arent a lot of choices and in the actual story theres only like 4 main characters so its hard to imagine a rly big group #original

[swampgallows]

hey so i’ve always been a staunch believer in still being able to love a character without condoning their actions, but i’ve always been curious of what your thoughts are on garrosh’s bombing of theramore? do you think it was as heinous of an act as it’s made to be in the lore, considering all citizens were evacuated?

it’s kind of funny/stunning to me that people care about my opinion on this stuff… im really flattered actually!!! haha i just feel like “oh, you’re actually asking me to talk about Garrosh? well, by all means…”

I can understand the logistics of wanting to take out Theramore. Northwatch Hold is an extension of the Alliance forces troubling the east coast of Kalimdor, which are stationed at the stronghold of Theramore. Northwatch Hold and the humans there have been putting pressure on the orcs for years, and the trolls in the neighboring isles ages before that. Sometimes people forget, I think, that the humans and the trolls have been at war longer than Thrall’s Horde had even existed. Some of your first quests as a Horde character starting in Durotar (back when the tauren, trolls, and orcs all started in the Valley of Trials and were directly funneled into the Barrens, resulting in the notorious Barrens Chat of yore) are to combat the units stationed at Northwatch. And, unfortunately despite Jaina’s efforts, many of the humans of eastern Kalimdor still sought to drive the Horde out, so it was still a matter of the Horde defending their new homes.

If you visit Cataclysm’s Theramore, there is a lot of talk of …not necessarily mutiny, but a budding kind of nationalism and yearning to “return to the old ways”. Just as the orcs who were loyal to Garrosh were itching to return to the version of the Horde that preceded Thrall’s, there were plenty of humans sharpening their blades and talking about “the good old days”. There is even a questline on the Alliance side in Theramore to expose these deserters. Traitors Among Us is one of the first quests you complete. Morgaledh quotes some of the “deserter” NPCs in the WoWhead comments, while adding their own echoed sentiments:

“These people will know Admiral Proudmoore for the true hero he was”“You can’t stop us from exposing the truth about Jaina’s cowardice”“It’s people like you who weaken the Alliance and invite the Horde to take away all we’ve fought for”I’ve done this quest on many characters over many years, and I completely agree with the Agitators. That Thrall-loving @#$% Jaina needs to be deposed, the men-at-arms of Theramore turned to valiant deeds against the animals of Orgrimmar, and this pretense of peace with the green-skins done away with once and for all.

Additionally, Theramore has spies out by Brackenwall, an ogre village allied with the Horde, and was actively sending troops further into the Barrens in the name of King Varian.

I mention this only because, from both Alliance and Horde standpoints, Theramore was by no means a neutral ground, nor lack of a threat. Theramore, whether by Jaina’s decree or not, was already actively brewing resentment and making moves against the Horde.

Garrosh’s plan was good. Parking the Horde ships just outside Theramore’s waters to intimidate—as well as prepare—Theramore for an assault is pretty clever, in my opinion. They had a chance to clear out civilians as well as gather enough Alliance forces to combat the estimated number of Horde units. He also had the Horde march in, engage in a skirmish, and then retreat; it gave the Horde a chance to fight a true battle and sent a direct message to the Alliance about what they were up against. But this was not the whole of Garrosh’s plan, and that is where it gets bad. Everything I just mentioned was only for appearances, as Garrosh’s true intentions were unbeknownst to everyone but his closest associates (Malkorok, some Kor’kron, etc.).

Literally everything else following this is completely fucking obscene, unethical, dishonorable, grotesque, cowardly, and whatever the hell else you want to call it. Even if Theramore hadn’t been nuked, per se, and it was just the enslaved elementals or just the barrage of siege weaponry, the travesty and crime of Garrosh’s attack on Theramore was that it was dishonorable. It was unjust, and it was dishonest. He deliberately withheld information from his own people, including the other racial leaders, and threatened them with treason and/or death if they were to question his methods. He lied to the Horde AND the Alliance. They say all is fair in love and war, but Theramore wasn’t warfare. It was extermination, and Garrosh used every ounce of deception and abuse that he could to screw everybody over.

The bombing of Theramore fucking sucks. Stealing the Focusing Iris is fucking dumb (still have no idea how the Horde managed to pull that shit off, by the way), and reading through Tides of War was a grueling experience. From a fiction standpoint, it is one of the lowest, most non-rewarding experiences I’ve had in WoW’s storytelling. It is similar to a gripe I have with the majority of Pixar films: sometimes the low that is hit is so low, so hopeless, that there is emotionally a point of no return in which, I personally feel, the story has been fatally wounded. Maybe it’s because of my own experiences with trauma or whatever, but reaching an “emotional dead-end” in a story like that completely negates whatever sort of redemption buds from that conflict; it may heal, but it leaves a scar. Maybe it’s because I’m a pathetic softie grown on Disney movies that can’t handle more than two seconds of a bad time, who knows. But I hate knowing shit can be irreparably damaged in stories with zero hopeful outlook, especially when I myself as a viewer, or in identifying with the protagonist, am held accountable. I don’t glean entertainment or enjoyment from stories that infuse me with guilt and tell me that everything is my fault and that I let this happen and deserve to be punished or killed.

Theramore was the death knell of a thousand things. Anything Jaina does from now on is going to be seen as irrational because of her own people standing against her and players trying to justify reasons for why Garrosh did what he did and how he, technically, was blah blah blah. Jaina is put through a meatgrinder and made to feel some of the worst pain anyone can ever feel. Jaina has already been through an entire shitshow. She has lost her father, her fiancé, her people, her home, and anyone she could have ever trusted. She has lost everything she has sacrificed these things for: peace. It’s gone. In the blink of an eye. Jaina built Theramore. 

Everyone jokes about death knights giving the Illidari a side-eye when they ask “I’ve sacrificed everything—what have you given?” How does it feel to be the woman who, maybe, she’ll never know, might have been able to prevent the rise of the Lich King? Was she wrong to reject Arthas at Stratholme? To reject Kael’thas in Dalaran? To reject her father Daelin and stand with Thrall? People take pity on Illidan, who even gets a redemptive arc in Legion and is literally a demon, yet accuse Jaina of being a dreadlord because of the justified anger she feels and pain she has endured. Theramore is now a scapegoat for all of her sorrow as people conveniently forget the rest of her history.

Garrosh’s character was executed with Theramore. Anything after that must have been emotionally exhausting beyond belief. I can’t imagine having to play through Pandaria with that piece of shit as Warchief. He let everyone down. How could anyone say “for the Horde” proudly with anything but hatred in their hearts? Who could condone that? Bringing the enormity of something like that to a video game that is supposed to be fun and interesting and certainly have a bit of storytelling conflict, sure, but not to that degree, ultimately sucks the fun out of it. Theramore didn’t need to happen the way it did, and personally I think the dropping of the mana bomb/nuke, and all of the deaths associated with it, and how graphically it was recounted in Tides of War—Jaina sifting through the rubble of her home, touching the remains of Kinndy and having them burst into arcane powder in her hands, dedicating the length of the book to building up to the event—was incredibly fucking tasteless. It could have been a barrage of bombs, even, like the goblins do all the time, or, like I said, it would have sealed the deal enough to have Garrosh abuse the elements and lie to his people to paint him as a villain. 

I mean, I guess they wanted to tie in Dalaran’s neutrality somehow and create conflict there (for some reason, even though both the Horde and the Alliance are back there in Legion, I guess because Jaina left the Kirin Tor), and Rhonin could have died in literally any other imaginable way. It didn’t have to be from a “magical” nuke. If it was supposed to somehow “forward” WoW’s standard technology (which is indeed one thing that Garrosh did, pulling the Horde into the industrial age), they fucked up by making it a one-time resource like the Focusing Iris and using it in such a grisly, abominable way that even the Forsaken’s stomachs turned. From a gameplay, story, and even lore perspective, it was absolute overkill. 

tl;dr Garrosh’s attack on Theramore was absolutely heinous and was the death of his character. I don’t know how anyone took the Divine Bell as a threat after the Theramore scenario, and literally the only way they could have upped the evil ante for Garrosh at the end of Mists was to have him seize the heart of a dead Old God, the only thing more evil and more powerful than the demons he apparently so reviled. It fucked up everything, including the overall storytelling tone of the Warcraft franchise. Nobody won and nothing about it is entertaining in the slightest. It’s incredibly tasteless and, in my opinion, a huge smudge on the lore, and one of Blizzard’s most—if not the most—flagrant cases of “bad writing”. People still talk about it, sure, not because it was emotionally gray and compelling like the mak’gora between Garrosh and Thrall, but because it was outlandishly inappropriate for the setting.

I love Garrosh as a character, but Theramore is honestly one of those things I basically just block out of my mind. I am more comfortable with him stealing the heart of Y’shaarj than the extermination of Theramore.

#long post #yamyell #anon #ask #metacraft

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

#vent/ // #might delete later /// #ok to rb but. i swear to god if this pops off and ppl whine...... literally L I T ER A LL Y come take care of my kids #NO BETTER YET BC ITS ACTUALLY FEASIBLE!! FOR EVERY COMPLAINT. 5 DOLLARS IN MY PAYPAL #SO I CAN AFFORD DAYCARE. LITERALLY IF OYU CLAIM ANY STUPID SHIT BC I ADMIT ITS HARD TO CARE FOR SMALL KIDS #U HAVE NO EXCUSE TO NOT PUT THAT FAKE BITCHY JUDGY CONCERN INTO ACTUAL RESULTS. THANKX #anyways on a real note again this is a vent moreso than a disc horse post thats meant to be shared around so #its not perfect its just. my feelings over the past couple years dealing w this man #really fuckin tired of it i really spent so many years 100% on the side of 'i have critical understanding i get to judge' #no i didnt. no you dont. its not comprehensible till you're pushed to your own limit with childcare. i hate being that btich #cuz nobody wants to hear it. but its the truth swallow it #long post //

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

#long post #suicide tw #negative #corona tw #idk what to tag #2020

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thank you!!! aughh that means a lot......i always try to show feeling in things & i can put a lot of thought and effort into that, and i have to hope that it translates into containing/conveying whatever feeling i’m going for....i do put a lot of love into stuff coz i’m gay so like, what else am i gonna do! but it is really nice to put it into stuff, transmitting nice gay vibes through like basically everything in one way or another. you always put yourself into the stuff you make somehow, so thats nice, and its neat when i can like, really directly draw on some experience or another and figure out communicating it through a drawing, i always like to hear that it comes through coz i do put a lot of thought into it im going on long there to basically just say that yeah i have some amount of importance in my drawings, which is still fairly significant in the context of like nothing is really Important amongst depression and that theres not really other stuff i semi consistently Do......but there’s a personal aspect to it & its always expressing something for me & i like the sense that something i put time/care into has some worth to other ppl, right. like i was just tweeting abt how sometimes it’ll be all self criticizing like “is it just arrogant to hope that some rando bs you drew will get some nice words & a bit of attention from ppl, like what are you 4 yrs old” but then i counter it with well no its just more like...its pretty reasonable to want to hear a bit of feedback that anyone appreciated something thats even a bit personal/important to you & that you care about at all & put some effort into........like im not just concerned w getting any particular number of notes or anything like for power levelups, though that’s good in its own way just for seeing that at least that many ppl enjoy something of yours, but like.....a single nice comment can be really great just to know that someone enjoys it that much to want to actually say something about it haha like im still saying a lot abt all of this lol but im just trying to be helpful i guess b/c ive known other ppl who would like feel guilty about wanting to hear from ppl abt liking something they made.....its not like anybody is interested in forcing anyone to say something nice lol it’s just a matter of hoping for it, and theres nothing bad about that, it makes sense when there’s something thats at all significant to you. and like for me its often whatever gay nonsense and niche agendas im putting forth.....i can have a lot of passion and enthusiasm and thoughts n emotions and its great to feel like i have a way to channel those into this one thing i can kinda do lol like im always on a journey to feel less bad about posting art and whether anybody cared ever since like yrs and yrs ago...its still ongoing coz its always a bit like augh here i go posting a drawing again like a bastard, or like @ self: nobody wants ur weird bs of the day (ongoing experiment there too in trying to go “nobody cares” at the idea of nobody caring even though u also know some ppl do) or just generally being embarrassed about acknowledging that getting a compliment is exciting and nice.....i’m always also trying to not mind like openly replying to nice messages instead of being all shy about it coz its not a big deal either way and i really appreciate them a lot so its nice to say so sometimes!! the only other thing is that sometimes i’ll have like this internal monologue about something i drew and whatever thoughts i had to offer up about my own process and comments and everything lmao as if this was an art gallery and im gonna stop the tour for about twenty minutes and tell everyone these details about it. but i’ve started letting myself have like, essays in the tags of things i post sometimes.....i’m always extra hesitant to just go off on something like that unasked, so to post a drawing nobody asked for AND talk at length abt it to myself seems bold haha.....but its not as big a deal as that! since unlike a museum tour, people can just Not Read whatever speech i have down there plus i’m always going on at length abt something or another, like i am right now, so what would be the difference anyways!!!!!!!! that’s all just a tangent!! the point is that i’m always really glad to hear when someone likes something i’ve made, and its extra good to hear that ppl don’t hate following me and actually enjoy seeing a lot of it in general, thats great （＾◇＾)/ ✨

#thank you again!! 😭😭😊🌈

[youseriousjayse]

Oh shit. I wanna fuck my boss. This is...not good.

I stg I barely caught myself from just walking over and kissing them while they were saying something ridiculous after the shop was closed. Oh fuck oh fuck. THis is bad. They’re married and have kids and they seem like a good person but sometimes…I definitely think they’ve flirted w me before. And I seem to be a favourite for no apparent reason. They talk about their spouse and their personal life all the time to me (esp their spouse), but I’ve only ever heard them mention their spouse like twice to other workers. And they compare me to their spouse all the time. Always saying I sound just like them or I do this or that just like them. ANd I would definitely go for it if it was an option which prob makes me a horrible person, but that’s okay I already knew that. 

Idk how they manage to be both “ur really hot” and “ur the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” It’s maddening. And they’re so fucking funny and that’s my weakness and they’re always trying to make me laugh. idek how old they are. in their twenties im 96% certain. Im horrid at guessing age. there’s def at the v least 5 yrs b/t us. but idrk. I don’t even hypothetically want anything serious. I literally just wanna be able to fuck them and feel mushy about them on the side and end it when I leave next july. Obv this isn’t ever going to happen but thinking about it hypotheticlly helps me short my shit out. idk. idk. i really like thm and they seem to like me. And the thing is it’s not even just about wanting to fuck them. I care about their kids and that means a lot bc i fucking hate kids and one of theirs is an attention whore and i rlly hate that type of kid. but i like them bc they are my boss’s kids and my boss loves them. And I love hearing more about them (even tho it’s always p sad shit about them acting up in school and always being upset bc my boss is never home)

Just…..wow. if anyone needed more proof im fucked up. have at it.

Seriously tho on the seeming interested in me and showing favouritism front, they are…so protective of me. Like they are Never like this with the other employees, and it’s definitely not like I can’t defend myself. The most marked example would be the guy who runs the bodega across the street.

He came in one day, screaming about how my manager had accused his son of stealing. So they were like, I’m not sure what you’re talking about but I’m sorry if there was some sort of miscommunication. And he just kept screaming at them and calling them a little bitch and a f*ggot repeatedly, and threatening to bash their fucking head in. And they were just taking it all very calmly and professionally and saying ‘I don’t recall this happening, I’m sorry if you heard differently’ even though he was physically pushing them and still threatening them and calling them all sorts of things. Then he finally left, but not twenty minutes later he came back, just as angry, shouting the same stuff and hurling around slurs and threats and pushing my manager around. Again, they kept very calm and responded reasonably and evenly the same stuff they had before.

Again he eventually left. But then he decided he had apparently still not had enough so he came back a third time. Just as angry as before, just as hostile and antagonising. The assistant manager on duty had come up front the last time to see what was happening, but had not intervened. However this time she tried to help, also calmly saying the same things as the manager. She had been working the day before and seen the guy’s kid come in and nothing like that had happened, so he started calling her a lying fucking bitch and saying he was gonna kill both of them, and kept more and more violently shoving my manager, which they continued to just calmly take.

Eventually the guy was just was repeatedly calling them a f*ggot again and again and again. And I, also calmly, asked if he could just please stop saying that word and he fucking rounded on me and started really laying in calling me a little bitch and all sorts of things, which I didn’t react to at all, because I have an excellent poker face. But I have Never seen my manager angry at all. Not even a little bit. But they were fucking furious, and they shoved him roughly back to the door (mind you he’s a big fuckin guy) And got right up in his face and fucking snarled Get The FUCK Out Of My Store (I did Not know actual snarling words was a thing, I thought it was just smth writers said to make the angry words more emphatic, but it is a Thing™) and shoved him straight through the door. And then they just took a deep breath and turned back around calmly as ever and was like ‘sorry about that’ to the other customers and started rearranging the counter like usual.

And that whole situation has come up twice since then when we were talking (it was months ago), and both times they were like yeah it was whatever, but when he started yelling at You I fucking snapped. And I’m like. Yeahhh how do I take this. Because I am not defenseless and I don’t look like it and I’m not tiny or fragile looking, we have several other employees more likely to feel the impulse to protect but,,,they never do? It never even seems to occur to them?

Just the other day I had a lady come in who was clearly spoiling for a fight. Rude and aggressive as fuck, but I treated her calmly and professionally bc that’s what I do, but she just kept saying dumb shit, so I kept responding, not in any offensive or upset way, just repeating the facts in a calm manner. She really started yelling and was like 'I don’t like ur fuckin attitude you keep talking back you’re getting all smart with me.’ And I (again. Very calmly.) Explained that I was simply answering the questions she asked. And she was like Where’s your fuckin manager bc you’re being rude as fuck you just keep talking back.

So my manager was at the register next to(?) mine(the counter is like an L shape and has registersat either side of the corner). And they turned around and said 'I don’t hear anything unprofessional or rude’ but she kept yelling over them and talking about how rude I was, so they kept saying I wasn’t doing anything wrong, so they were like 'Okay you can go now. Please leave the store’ and gave her the corporate number when she asked for it angrily, saying she was gonna complain about us (like so??? Fine. Here’s my name and the store # idgaf).

After she left and we took care of the couple of customers left they turned to me and were like 'wow she was really spoiling for a fight.’ And I was 'yeah I mean I saw it when she came in and was super aggressive right off the bat. She was so angry for no reason. Like…chill lol’ and they gave me a sort of look and were like 'I don’t know how you deal with that (((which, mind you, every employee, and Definitely them, deals w shit like that without going off))) I feel like it bothers me a lot more when they get like that to you, than it actually bothers you’. I just shrugged, but again……they dont,,,,do that for other employees. They always stick their neck out for me or get angry (I mean as close as they get to angry, excepting the thing w the bodega owner) on my behalf. It’s…what am I supposed to make of that?

Literally if they’re around and a customer tells me to lighten up or smile or smth (bc my face is just really unexpressive unless I put a lot of effort in) they’ll just smoothly come over and be like 'I’ve got the smile for ya’ or if someone is being aggressive or harrasing about it, they won’t even pretend to be cheerful and nice, they’ll just be like 'My employees don’t get paid to smile.’ Which,,,I’m not the only one who never smiles. Actually it’s just my manager and one of the assistant managers that always smile. The rest of us are p brusque and more obviously dead inside and dislike interacting with people. But again, they’ve never done that or said anything for another employee (that I know of, obv I’m not always around, but I’m around enough to feel like I practically live there).

And just. Bloody hell, they will talk about aggressive customers and tell me the customer got in their face and will be like 'seriously, like this’ and move their face so we’re barely not touching. Like. ???!?!?!????? And they get real close to me and brush by me a lot. Mind you, they do not do this to other employees (esp the face thing), but they’ll like lean over my shoulder to look at my paperwork or make fun of me (not like in a mean way just something stupid) or they’ll come over to put their numbers in (bc we need higher clearance on the computers for like,,,almost everything it’s so stupid) and they’ll like get right up next to me or squeeze in front of me. Which again, they do not do to others, and no other employee does that to me or anyone else.

If this was a book ppl would be pissed about the slow burn like Okay Why Aren’t Things Happening Already??! But unfortunately real life and an actual human being is more complicated than that. And I don’t know what to do with it.

~update: they just turned thirty. Fuck. I’m just barely twenty.

Edit: New jeans. very nice new jeans. dammit please stop rearranging the shelves in front of me while i’m trying to work, your ass is distracting. And a new tight tight jacket too and they wear it with the sleeves pushed up right below the elbow and that’s just. Always hot. The fucking jeans together with that stupid cursed jacket makes it incredibly difficult to look away. They’re just hhhhhhhhh I can’t. This is. So much.

YEAH I could prolly go on about them forever, but I know this is super obnoxiously long. I don’t know who I’m apologising to tho bc literally nobody reads this. Which is prolly why I overshare but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#personal #serious fucking angst