#IT FEELS MORE PRIVATE

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[abbeyofcyn]

Want matching phone wallpapers with your bestie who also loves rise?

I've got ya

Also I'm totally not jealous

Didn’t think Raph's arm through

But hey you can add your own filters and backgrounds too!

Cute right? (Screenshot from the movie)

Want them the other way around but hate having the gear mirrored?

No problem

Ok bye have fun

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt leo #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt raph #phone wallpaper #matching #abbeyofcyn art #save rise of the tmnt #movie designs so it's more neutral for everyone #feel free to adjust for private use #heck draw your oc with your fav #go crazy

[messiahzzz]

friendly reminder that creators within fandom (whether it be gifs, edits, meta, fanfiction or fanart) choose to take time out of their day to provide you with new content for free.

it’s easy to take it for granted since it only requires a few seconds/minutes to scroll through your dash, but it’s important to remember that behind that there are often hours, if not even days, of work and dedication.

#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #i have noticed this general sense of entitlement. feeling completely justified in reducing private blogs to mere content machines #policing them on the type of content they want to post #OR expecting them to account for a lack of content of certain characters within fandom #no matter what reach a blog may have. behind it there is always a person who is just as passionate about sharing their work as you are #we’re all just here to have fun after all #🙏 there needs to be more appreciation all around 🙏 #it speaks

[skunkes]

all of february's chibis ^_^

#well almost all there were sum private ones.... #dude i took so many to make some extra money for my special month and like. idk #i got em all done and therefore i SHOULD be taking this many monthly but idkkkk </3 LOL #i feel so lazy abt not always taking this many...like dude a real job wld be much harder than drawing MAYBE 2 pictures a day. but augh #comms #a doodley #anyway....! opening for more comms later today....! + then ill have the amt taxes are gonna take from me....yaaaaay....

[upsidedog]

i am so charmed by a lumax wedding because it’s not even something max thought would happen. like she assumed weddings were something the girl makes happen and the guy puts up with. and because she had no desire for one, so there’s no reason it would happen.

among other things weddings are an exorbitant and performative show of love, max loves lucas and she doesn’t care whether or not other people know or believe this. at it’s best marriage to her has been a representation of failed dreams and at it’s worst it’s been a tool to manipulate people who need to get away to stay. maybe they will get married for the tax benefits, she thinks.

this is until max and lucas are older and living together, they’re chilling on the couch and lucas mentions his family has been asking when he’s planning to propose and if that’s something max even wants? max doesn’t care, she doesn’t plan on going anywhere, a certificate won’t change anything and she's not crazy about parties. she doesn’t ask how he feels, he brings it up, that “actually i want a wedding.”

that is saying the least, lucas wants a wedding more than anything. he loves max and he doesn’t need to prove that to anyone, but he’s happy and he wants to share that with others! he wants to work with max to make marriage a positive thing to them, he wants to celebrate their love, everything they’ve been through. also, hell, he’s only human, he wants to show off! he wants to dress really cool and go to a really cool place and show the world know how awesome he and his girlfriend are. HIS WIFE!!!

most of all, lucas wants the moment near the end of the night, where the party’s getting loud and everybody wants his attention, but max asks if he wants to get out of there and he says yes. not out out, just outside the venue. it’s dark and the once booming music is now faint, they sit and catch up, complain about their families, laugh about their friends. max holds lucas’s hand and plays with his wedding ring, she whispers something sweet before asking him to dance. it’s the best part of the night and nobody will know about it but them.

suddenly max decides she wants a wedding.

#lumax #max mayfield #lucas sinclair #stranger things #to be clear i think it isn't really that max becomes excited for a wedding - i think it's more that she is incredibly touched by what it #means to lucas and wants to give that to him #i don't think she would ever be crazy about all that attention on her but she loves that it makes lucas happy and loves how much he cares #about her #and i also think lucas is aware of this. he loves weddings and the idea of being married is romantic and beautiful to him and he loves that #max understands where he's coming from and feels loved by his explination but also he knows it's something he will enjoy more and that's ok #lucas would be a very good wedding planner #also they would have this discussion then formulate oppisite plans catering to the other's love language #lucas would be like 'i'm gonna do something so private and sweet for max to propose' and max would be like 'i am going to go all out in #public to propose' and luckily max gets to hers first because it was way harder to do #nonetheless i am being cheesy ignore me

[lunarharp]

scribbles... pre-relationship onsen trip

#witch hat tag #orufrey #partial nudity / #cause i miss the onsen. it feels silly to say 'pre-relationship' bc you just know their anniversary is going to be the date oru moved in #ignore my weak attempt at painting qifrey's face. i want to get better at that style lol..better at everything..oh god i am trying #might be getting the hang of it at least #i feel like zozah has european mores in that being uhh naked around ppl is probably a bit like. Whats all this then #but sensei purposefully puts in japanese flair - sake bowls - sitting on the floor - they are japanese men. To me. Get in the bath :) #but to oru it would feel more normal and to qifrey it would NOT - they do have those public baths at the assembly #but he was surely in the corner wanting to die and splashing himself once and then running away hating everyone #beldaruit will have a private bathtub with claw feet that his carers help him into - good god let that kid use it too

[hwiyoungies]

230615 ✧ happiest of birthdays to the brightest star 💕

#svtgifs #svtcreations #svtsource #svtdaily #forsvt #seventeen #soonyoung #my creativity when it comes to hoshi bd gifs is always low and i hate it #because i love this dude so much and he inspires me so much and yet!!! #this is all i can do for him and i just wanna do more #still i wish him the best day possible and just. all the good things in life #as always i could go on forever but idk for some reason i'm very private with how i feel about him #just for me to know how much he means to me #b.edits

[petit-papillion]

Charles getting called out by a Redditor:

The offending Instagram post:

To be honest, I kind of had my suspicions about the sushi-eating photos from his flight from NYC to Austin. Dude had been bundled up like a Michelin Man in New York, and even in Austin he was wearing a sweater, but on the plane he was only in a t-shirt? Plus in the sushi-plane photos he was wearing a different ring than he's been wearing in NYC and Austin, along with what looks like the old Forza Ferrari bracelet that he hasn't worn on ages. I understand if he has to post stuff for his sponsors, but things like this do make me question how truthful he is with some of his content.

And while we have no way of knowing whether the Redditor is telling the truth, it's a reminder for us not to believe everything posted on social media. Btw, if the account is true, I can totally see Charles going to Business Class while poor Andrea and Joris have to sit in Economy. 🤭

#i wonder at times what these sponsor contracts specify #“must wear watch at all times even when on vacation” #“cannot drink red bull in public” #“can not wear more fan-made bracelets on same arm than apm bracelets” #“may not be seen fueling private car at petrol station other than shell” #it does feel sometimes like charles has become a walking billboard for his sponsors #charles leclerc #f1 sponsorships

[aropride]

this post was a game changer for me. thank you ryan reynolds

#text #LIKE. i beat myself up for a WHILE abt my reaction #But what that person did was much worse #& i did not say a single unkind word to them #& if i had a big freak-out break-down on a PRIVATE BLOG that was essentially a diary because i DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE STALKING ME ONLINE ⁉️⁉️⁉ #well i was well within my right to do so. because i should not have been expected to account for their feelings right after what they did #IN MY OWN PRIVATE SPACE. !!!!!!!!! GOD. #and i kept myself in check speaking directly to them & thats all that should have been expected from me. i was allowed to say mean things a #about them in what was essentially a digitsl journal. after they LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED ME ‼️‼️‼️ #Sorry Everyone im finally going back and like processing stuff from years ago due in no small part to the shelby abuse stream #so sry if im complaining abt being traumatized more than usual 😒 #traumablogging

[canisalbus]

i just wanted to let you know that Machete being queer means so much to me. I‘m following your art for many many years now and you and your characters have been a big inspiration baaack in my teens. I was struggling with the possibility of a queer identity alot back then and I remember looking for a trace of queerness in every character I adored. I‘ve always loved Machete and today, as I‘m seeing your art again regulary on my timeline, it brings me so much joy that you’re telling this bittersweet queer story through your characters. Thank you!

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a heartfelt message! You've made my day ;w;

#I'm sorry to hear you had such rough time back then I wish my art could've been more helpful to you #he's a very old character and as silly as it is I've been processing a lot of similar feelings through him since I was a teenager myself #but I got increasingly hesitant to open up about my ocs over the years so I kept most of their lore and context strictly private #it's taken a lot of climbing over mental roadblocks to get back to a point where it feels alright and acceptable to talk about them again #and be more transparent about their lives and inner workings and in this case queer identity #so hearing that they resonate so strongly with people means a lot to me #it makes me feel a lot less shy and embarrassed about sharing them #answered #anonymous

[thedisablednaturalist]

People who are worried they aren't helping with climate change or any other big world problem bc they do something like make video games or art or are a cashier at a grocery store:

You are helping. You are making the art that helps me, an environmentalist actively working to restore biodiversity and ecosystems, get through each day. You are helping those of us on the front lines enjoy living or take a well-needed break. The person loading my groceries into my car is making it so I can eat that week and have enough energy to do my work. If you want to do more, you can volunteer, donate, and boost the voices of local community leaders working to protect and restore the local ecosystems, but don't feel bad if you can't. We are all in this together.

#the only people who should feel bad are the ones actively contributing to the problem more than anyone else is #i mean rich people who take private jets not you who threw away a plastic bottle instead of recycling it #and fill up their giant swimming pools during droughts (and dont even swim in them!!!) #i personally chose my field bc i didnt want to stand by as all this bad crap happened #and because i love being outdoors and i love critters #but everyone elses jobs are important too #even people who cant work are valuable bc you give us a reason to fight for a better world for you #eventually i may have to stop working if my health gets worse but that doesnt mean i wont be valuable #i hope this makes sense #ramble #conservation #environmentalism #save the earth

[joyfuladorable]

Something Something Cinematic Parallels

#tmnt #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #tmnt 2003 book scans #image sources in the Alt Text #I scanned Three More books yesterday! #Again y'all feel free to ask me for the link to the gdrive folder I won't bite lol #message me or drop an ask and I will hand you the link which you can share with friends Privately #lmao the fact that I immediately thought of that meme when I opened up the book #the artist for these books makes them so LUMPY I LOVE IT

[cookkoo]

Drawtober 2023 day 2: Spider (lily)

Day1

#shumako #amamiya ren #niijima makoto #kurusu akira #drawtober #drawtober2023 #inktober #inktober2023 #This is Ren based on my very old au #you probably can find it on twitter if you look up for loopAU under my acct #not the most creative name I know #altho 70% of the actual story is probably in my private acct #long story short it's a loop reset setting but every time he comes back his body decay more #boi pretty much two steps away from death in this loop #did I told you I like angst #just dont ask me how many angsty AUs living rent free in my head #There really is no happy ending for us #is what I wanna add as the caption but I feel like ppl will get the wrong context even with the higanbana #asdfghj

[alastoredeer]

Aromantic and asexual Alastor icons

Feel free to use, no credit neded.

The first one with logo, second is logo-free.

#alastor #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #aromantic #aro pride #asexual #aroace #ace pride #You don't need to fuck/fell to be fabulous #aroace alastor #feel free to use #no credit needed #Enjoy #My edit #If you want more edit ask me in private #Free to use

[waterfallofspace]

don't know how to format this post so welcome to waterfall is craving things and she doesn't know if it's more h-rny or lonely so enjoy a little snippet of what is playing on loop in my mind~

Person A: tshhieew!

Person B: Bless you, poor little thing~

Person A: I'm- eshh'iew! tschh- kngt'shhew! I'm not little!

Person B: Even if you aren't, your sneezes sure are~

Person A, blushing: No they're- eh'tnshiew! aeshh'iee!

Person B, with a smirk: What a poor, sneezy little thing~

#waterfallsnzarios #waterfalltalks #i guess??? idk man waterfallcraves is more accurate #just B taunting them and A being such a little blushy mess by the end #knowing that they ARE little but even if they arent! the sneezes are! they cant fight that! #not like they can fight being little either buutttt~ ;3 #yes im picturing c/huuya but gotta be honest not seeing d/azai as the other #perhaps in a private little bedroom... away from prying eyes and ears... #or perhaps this is just something I crave okay i just- lil with lil snz auhegughguh #im a sucker for a kitten snz and i am! feeling things so welcome to this randomness that does NOT have a point~ #(and yes okay maybe id like to be on either side of this BUT! shut up! i do not!) #(using this as a blog again- starting to get more and more used the idea that like... maybe i DO want attention???) #(always knew i craved attention but like.... always used to it being the kind of attention that i GIVE to others and maybe i get something) #(but not used to like... actual genuine attention thats just for me and that isnt kinda... idk- you give me things? so i give bak?) #(gonna be so honest!! i do not feel cute! most of the time! and usually thats okay! i like being a lil chaos gremlin :3) #(buuuuuut recently been having more friends call me cute and idk!!! maybe its not the worst thing to get to be a lil soft sometimes~) #(ANYWAYS blog post over im so sorry to anyone who read these tagssssss but here is a lil snzario that hopefully makes up for it!!)