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#IF I GET THE JOB MY LIFE IS GONNA SUCK
soppsop · 6 months
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i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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mechamedusa · 6 months
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hi
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goldensunset · 1 year
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maybe for YOU
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rosicheeks · 4 months
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hi Princess
i hope you are doing well
please tell us a little about your new job with the doggies!
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#here are a few pictures from today 🥰🫶#I have SO many pictures now it’s crazy#I should probably go through them cause I’m sure a lot of them are blurry but some are gems I must say#my favorite parts are probably when my yard is quiet and calm for a little bit (usually at night) and I sit down#and usually a bunch of them come rushing over to sit next to me#I can’t tell you how much I love it when a puppy lays on me or sits on my lap#it’s the best 🥰#there are definitely a few challenges to the job but I’m sure I’ll be able to deal#the hard part is it doesn’t give me enough hours and I don’t think it’ll be enough $$ either#so I’m gonna have to find another job which really really sucks#I’m already so exhausted with this one idk how I’m gonna juggle another one on top of it#but I need to figure out a way to get my own car and move out of my parents place#I love my parents so much but why can’t they just let me be me?#my friend literally said it sounds like they’re putting me on a leash and that’s EXACTLY what it feels like#not gonna get into it but it’s been rough lately#life hasn’t been the best so I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately#haven’t replied to anyone in awhile#but thankfully work has been good and I’ve been able to meet some amazing angels 🫶🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️#I just wish it paid better#also gotta figure out a way to wear my headset so it doesn’t trigger my migraines cause that’s been a struggle#really really REALLY hope one day I’m able to get my own puppy but at least for now I get to take care of other dogs 🥰🥰🥰🥰#ask#thanks for asking 🫶
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soldier-poet-king · 7 months
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Expericing the Horrors this morning in SO many different ways.
Like. Having to acknowledge my compulsive people pleasing and the way it fuels my martyr complex, even tho mostly I simply Do Not See It and pretend it's a virtue or doesn't exist. My notions of Duty and Obligation, which are good and my only reason to keep going sometimes, are also morphing into a genuine obsession and fueling said inability to say no or even thinking I'm allowed to say no. Wrestling with the fact that sm of this is an attempt to remain in control of the situation, to keep people placated bc they can't get mad at me then, but also still living with my parents who made me like this in the first place, because that's the best financial decision for me rn. Guilt or anxiety or whatever about the fact that my coping mechanisms/thoughts could be worse but also could definitely be uh..better. ongoing frustration with work and my workplace. [Redacted] happening suddenly at work this morning, which while not impacting me directly, has definitely made all of these emotions Worse.
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possiblytracker · 8 months
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feeling normal (birthday in like 3 days that im not ready for) feeling normal (too artblocked and preoccupied to even think about finishing artfight and wrestling with guilt about it) feeling normal (-£600 in bank account) feeling normal (realised breaking my foot last year led to Lasting Consequences but cant see a physio abt my fucked up legs til january) feeling normal (has to learn to drive stick and the instructor is scary) feeling normal (stlil has no idea how to un-fuck social life after the great mental breakdown of april 2023) feeling normal (gross sobbing)
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spook6 · 2 months
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So stressed about money I threw up at work lmao send help
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fivefeetfangirl · 5 months
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throwback to when i said i write most effectively at work. i literally wrote 2k words at work this week
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thiamsxbitch · 3 months
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seeing one of my favorite youtubers talking about how his parents did everything they could to support him when he decided to work on youtube makes me cry with joy for him. and with sadness for me. after all, i don't have that lucky privilege
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carmenlire · 4 months
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this has been a difficult, awful week only for it to end friday at 3pm with an invitation to interview for a management position next week.
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aberooski · 4 months
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If I have another breakdown at work tomorrow like I did the last time I worked a Saturday I'm going to kill myself because last time I screamed in the hallway and cried so hard I was shaking because of how stressed I was.
#working at the movie theater sucks I hate people so much#I also hate that the movie theater was the best I could do even with a fucking degree because I've never had a job before#and I haven't even been there a month and I'm already the most fucking competent usher we have#i have to do fucking everything and I'm the only one keeping us on track every fucking day#also the only other ushers I actually like aren't the ones I consistently work with and tomorrow I have to work with the one that I hate#they literally do not pay me enough for this shit#anyway I'm back to considering opening art commissions becauae as I said they don't pay me shit and I really do need the extra money#also another reason I'm pissed about working tomorrow is that I have to miss christmas cookie baking at ny grandma's and that's one of-#-my favorite traditions every year. I'm actually very upset about it I might cry about it at work tomorrow.#alao they're making me come in at 10 am when all the other ushers don't start coming in until like 12 and the first theaters don't let out-#-until like 11:40 so there's literally no point in me being there that early other than to just piss me off#I'll take the extra like fuxking 20 bucka those 2 hours will get me but fuckibg seriously? I know I'm technically available-#-which is probably why but all it's gonna be is me making sure our usher cart is stocked then sitting around for an hour and a half#fuck everything#I fucking hate that this is my life this is awful#I can't have literally anything can I?#abby after dark#abby's having a crisis
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sanstropfremir · 2 years
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With the latest bp album dropping today and seeing that nothing has changed the last two years, I’m curious if you can help me understand why I find it all so….mediocre. I can tell that part of it is the effect you’ve brought up with Hybe of too much money smoothing out all character. I also feel like this is a case where keeping the same collaborators has meant doing the same song with tiny changes 5 times, unlike a lot of other groups where they still have variety while keeping a more consistent overall identity. But they feel very bland in a different way than hybe groups do, and I can’t put my finger on why.
nothing blackpink does has a concept.
well, that's mildly facetious: their concepts are 'what if we were cool and influencers and most importantly GIRLS', and that's a non-entity at this point. visually, none of that means anything and all of it is indistinguishable from each other.
i think this is a great question to illustrate exactly why spectacle (the form) is not as simple as slapping together the most bombastic set pieces and ideas you can think of and calling it a day. in order to make good spectacle, you have to put just as much work in as you do with any other type of art. your ideas have to be grounded in a visual logic that drives the entire world you create: sets, costumes, lighting, even text and sound all have to be interlinked, to communicate with each other.
since it's also on everyone's minds right now, let's use nct 127 as an example. specifically, let's use 2 baddies and sticker. both of these mvs superficially carry the same basic visual ideas: there's very bright and highly saturated colouring and a lot of neon, there's a car, and there's a lot of highly decorated costuming. but each of these mvs have highly specific themes and concepts in which they ground both these more general principles.
sticker draws a direct comparative between the old west and the aestheticized neo(n) techno future that has a basis in science fiction and techno orientalism, and within that comparative there's a line drawn between hackers and cowboys, as figures that operate outside of the law on their own moral codes. throwing in the lowrider is another connection to operating outside the law, as lowriders can only be created via modding/customization and the mods themselves are technically illegal. one can pick apart several different meanings from sticker however they desire, but my point is here that the concept has a context and logic. the imagery and production design are all based around that specific theme, and the styling is uses very obvious markers from cowboy/western fashion to further drive the point home.
and 2 baddies. oh there are some LAYERS to 2 baddies. firstly, one of the main visual motifs is geometric art deco style patterning, which is an arts and design movement that started in the mid 1920s and continued up until around the 40s. this movement did not just impact visual arts, but it also heavily impacted commercial and industrial design, which included both architecture (famously, the chrysler building) and, very notably: cars. this era is the boom of the automobile and the art deco movement in particular produced some of THE most beautiful cars of all time, including:
the bugatti aerolithe
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the delahaye 177 rs
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the delahaye 165 cabriolet
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and one of my personal favourites, the phantom corsair
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you know who else was designing cars in the 1930s and 40s? porsche:
the porsche type 12, 1931
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the porsche 356 no. 1, 1948
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and just as an extra fun lil detail, in the chorus of the actual song, there's a sample of a vintage car horn (it's right after the line 'don and manner'), which is the horn of a ford model a, which was ford's second model that replaced the model t, the car that popularized driving. and when was the model a produced?
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and like with sticker, the styling draws directly from the clothing associated with concept, as it has very distinctive visual signifiers. we haven't seen any of the stages yet but i'm willing to bet that most of the styling is going to be based around motorsport gear. this goes across the board for pretty much every 127 styling: it is very obvious which era a performance is from just by looking at the costumes, because they use those very distinctive unified visual signifiers.
now, can you do this with a blackpink cb? name me a significant visual difference between any of their mvs. any of their stylings. all their mvs are colour graded the same, they reuse the same general imagery, there's no coherent theme holding anything together, and all their outfits are typical heightened kpop girl group. using just pure bombast works once or twice, but like as we've seen with their music, when you reuse the same imagery over and over again it loses impact. there's no spark. it gets boring.
#also all of their choreography is the same. sorry#another important thing to note here is that keeping the same collaborators does not always mean that you always produce the same work#sm works with a lot of the same people across different groups + cbs and almost never produces anything with the same degree of 'sameness'#if you are working with the same people constantly and you are producing the same thing every time:#someone or all people in that creative relationship are bad at their jobs. that's the truth#kpop questions#blpk w#nct w#for all they have the life sucked out of them bts does actually switch up their concepts enough that it does make each era distinct#blackpink has not done that a single time. their concept is literally 'we are blackpink'#why do you think they say their name so fucking much in their songs. bc there's nothing else that makes it distinct#groups build identity through numerous different ways but it's always a combination of: the idols faces/voices#choreography/movement styling and music type#when you switch concepts frequently but keep specific throughline threads THATS how you establish signifiers#without making people bored#sure by making everything the same all the time we all definitely recognize blackpink. but like. that's not interesting to keep watching#text#answers#listen. i dont think its gonna happen BUT if we see 127 in like. glitzer 30s-40s suits im going to YELL#i'm hyped for the 2 baddies era bc i love any time i get to flex my car knowledge and SPECIFICALLY my art deco car knowledge#literally one of my favourite things ever i can look at these cars all day#back home i used to go to car shows all the time. a well designed car is one of the most gorgeous pieces of machinery#i have actually seen a real ford model t. i think it was from 1914? a guy in my hometown had one#it's so funny to me bc theyre going to have to change the '2 baddies 1 porsche' line for music shows bc its a brand name?#like cix had to change ferrari to 'mercy' for 458 (hilariously - another cb literally about a car)#the classic 911 design was first introduced in the 1960s so it is technically outside the scope of being an 'art deco car' BUT#it very clearly takes inspiration from some some of the shapes that were floating around at the time like with the aerolithe#AND porsche was experimenting with that shape with the type 12#it just took a couple extra decades for them to finally get there. close enough imo
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lilgynt · 4 months
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naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions
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#personal#not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job#even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it#so good but watch out#the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad#or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his#eldest son and struggling for an answer for him#and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep#god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse#and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst#time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still#but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that#but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again#then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end#and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that#and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot#instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general#shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me.#so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt#we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something#christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it#i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central#i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down#i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna#and he’s didn’t respond*#be the same game during christmas#you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift#and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt#and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night!#other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!
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timidey · 5 months
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14.25 hour work day. That might be my new record. I hope it’s a record I never beat cause FUCK THAT!
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savage-rhi · 6 months
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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