#I'm super scared they won't be able to diagnose me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itsaspectrumcomic · 13 days

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hi im really sorry to bother you, and obvs you dont need to answer this at all im just some internet guy lol but do you think i could get some advice?

so ive been diagnosed with autism for like, 5 years (was diagnosed p late, in comparison to others) and im beginning to have some real goddamn big suspicions that i Also have adhd (because. yaknow. the gift that keeps on giving yk? lol). i have a lot of really major issues with executive dysfunction that is directly impacting schoolwork and also a lot of stuff in my life, generally. ive also got a lot of memory issues nd junk

and the thing is; ive got a therapist, but due to a whole slew of things im really scared to like, bring this up with her yk? and, like, im a minor so i cant exactly just seek it out myself yk? and i cant really talk to my parents about it because my mom is a very specific kind of vaguely ableist and my dad generally just isnt involved with that whole section of my being, yk? like, he doesnt manage any of my therapy, aside from bringing me to appointments when my mother isnt available.

and like, ive brought certain things UP to my therapist before and it went mostly ok, aside from one pretty distressing misunderstanding but it feels different for this one because i really do need medication for this, i feel. and thats a whole thing with my mother specifically, since at the start of the whole diagnosis process she outright refused the idea of medication and like. idk man, im so super sorry to write a whole bullshit essay when you're literally just vibing but yk. idk who else to ask lol, and you seem like you know what youre doing i guess?

real sorry. thanks in advance. insert other applicable signoff message here

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your therapist should be someone you can talk to about things like this but I understand being anxious about it. Are you afraid to bring it up because she's said ableist/anti-adhd stuff in the past or you have reason to suspect she won't help? If that's the case I really recommend trying to get a different therapist if you can. You deserve a therapist you feel safe sharing things like this with.

If it's impacting schoolwork it might be worth talking to your teachers to see if there's any additional support you can get from them. You don't have to tell them you suspect ADHD if you don't want to, you can just tell them you've been struggling with certain aspects of school and hopefully they can help. School is hard for lots of people so know you're not alone.

It might be different where you live, but in the UK you're able to make your own doctors appointments if you're over 16 so asking a doctor about getting a referral for a diagnosis/medication could be an option as well. Although waiting lists for that are incredibly long at the moment - I've personally been waiting nearly a year just to get an appointment 🙃

In the meantime, have you heard of How to ADHD on YouTube? Her channel has lots of videos with advice and various discussions about living with ADHD which you might find helpful.

Sorry I don't know if that helped much but I hope you're able to get support soon!

#ask #anon ask #advice #adhd #neurodivergent #also thank you for thinking i know what im doing #im glad i come across that way #but i definitely dont a lot of the time lol #long post

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turtletaubwrites · 2 months

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I've got the bad brains sometimes, and I hope you don't mind. Please scroll by if you don't want to see a personal/mental health update/vent.

Medical leave is over, and I've noticed that with stress ramping up, my OCD symptoms are also flaring.

I had pretty much stopped using any form social media for the past few years because of OCD. I feel an intense pressure to make sure that every single thing I put out into the world is perfect, and won't hurt or offend anyone, to the point where I will ruminate and fixate over a single exclamation point in a text message for hours/days (and often just give up and decide to never interact again), etc.

I realized lately that since I started writing 4 months ago, I've been super afraid to read fics from my wonderful fellow writers if it involves characters I'm currently writing about because I'm terrified of accidentally stealing ideas. But now I'm feeling guilty that I haven't been as supportive and interactive as I should or want to be, and I don't know how to balance those conflicting feelings without seeming disingenuous. Plus, I'm still so terrified of stealing ideas, I'm not sure how to cope with that one yet.

I've also been feeling guilty because I've gained so many followers so quickly, and I know that it's only because I was on medical leave and hyperfixated on this, and wrote so many things so fast.

I'm trying to work through it, but unfortunately my ADHD diagnosis has prevented me from making a lot of progress since I had to drop my exposure response prevention therapy because I couldn't remember to do the things.

Not to mention the fact that the only reason I was able to start writing four months ago was because I had my first bipolar episode since being diagnosed and medicated for 3 years. The imposter syndrome monster has been growing stronger.

I'm sorry for the vent. I just really love it here. And I'm afraid with my symptoms acting up, I might get too freaked out to be seen by the world.

I'm afraid I'll get even more scared than I already am to try to make friends. I'm afraid I will question everything I write until I can't post a single thing. I'm afraid I'll disappear from here just like I have from so many other lovely places because of the weight that my brain puts on every action, every word, and every inaction, every single thing that I do that could be perceived by others.

Being here, writing, and sharing has meant so much to me, and it saved me during medical leave. Interacting with people here has been wonderful, and I wish I was comfortable enough to reach out more.

Thank you for reading this. I'm just fighting the OCD real bad right now, and I really don't want it to stop me from writing and being here with all of you.

(Posting this and not deleting it will be good ocd work. Just gotta not drive myself insane over it.)

(Come on Lynna, you've read and edited this too many times already. Just post it.)

#turtletaub talks #cw mental health #cw ocd #personal #life update #vent post

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larjb3 · 3 months

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Hello wonderful followers and non-followers who are seeing this post because someone reblogged it!

I absolutely hate doing this, but when I learned that if I take medical leave from my job it will be unpaid, I started a GoFundMe. The reason behind this is because I was recently diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma. But what is Ewing Sarcoma, you may ask? Well, it's a rare type of cancer that affects bones and soft tissue, and typically affects children and adolescents (mean age of onset is 15-years-old). Needless to say, I am neither a child nor an adolescent. I am an adult, and have been an adult for several years now.

So what does that mean? Basically that this specific type of cancer was beyond super unexpected to my care team, and that I will need an aggressive form of chemotherapy to treat it.

Now, for those who know me, I have already had cancer and gone through chemotherapy in 2012, starting a month after I graduated high school. It was a different type of cancer, with a better success rate of remission. However, going through chemo then was absolutely terrible. I constantly felt terrible - both physically and emotionally. I noted the toll it was taking not only on me, but on those around me who cared for me.

Unfortunately, this time it's a more aggressive form of cancer, which means a more aggressive treatment regimen.

I'll be honest with you, I am absolutely scared. I'm scared about going through chemo (and possibly radiation) again. I'm scared about how this is going to affect my cats. I'm scared about how this is going to affect those around me who care for me and love me. I'm scared about probably losing my independence again. I'm scared about the probability of having to take unpaid medical leave. I'm scared about how I'm going to make it through this financially. I'm honestly scared that I won't survive.

So what am I asking of you?

I'm asking that you keep me in your wishes (and prayers, if you're religious). I'm asking for a potential donation to help me maintain financial stability throughout this coming year (but super not needed if you can't/don't want to). I'm asking you to reblog and share this post so it may reach more people. I'm asking you to take me seriously just this once, because I rarely ask others for help due to a need for hyper-independence (which I'm working on).

Essentially, what I'm asking from you is hope.

I know this diagnosis is affecting me, probably more than I do actually realize. I know I'm losing weight because the numbers keep going down and someone actually commented on it today; and I'm not intentionally losing weight. Would I like to in the long run? Sure. Do I want to lose weight due to the stress of having yet another diagnosis? Absolutely not. I'm always cold. I'm always on the verge of tears. It's constantly on my mind, even when I'm meeting with clients (I'm a therapist). I worry about how others are coping with this, and how I can help them potentially cope a little better. I'm so worried.

So, if you are able and willing, once again here is my GoFundMe link. The story of how I got to this point in my diagnosis is on there, and if you want more information you are more than welcome to reach out to me.

Even if you are unable to donate, I still want to thank you. Thank you for reading this post. Thank you for spending whatever time you did on this. Thank you for existing.

And because friendofthefellowshipsnerdblog told me to tag them in this post, they are being tagged and (hopefully) will see this.

#larjb3 #chemo #chemotherapy #this sucks #ewing sarcoma #ewings #ewings in adults #oncology #this medical life #medical #go fund me #i hate asking for help #but finances are going to be tight #which is stupid

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thedisablednaturalist · 1 year

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This is a response to the article you posted earlier, and I wish I was brave enough to open up about this on my main account.

I am also an ambulatory wheelchair user, but I gave up my dream of field work two years ago when I was diagnosed with a life-long chronic illness. I was afraid of being labeled a "liability", so I never considered even trying to find a way to make things work.

I started going back to college this past winter to try to get a Bachelor's Degree in Ecology, but it's been rough. The last few months I've felt like I have just been spinning my wheels -pun somewhat intended- You don't have to respond to this. I just felt like I needed to thank you and tell you that you have helped make my day today a little bit brighter. Reading your article, seeing your smiling face while you hold a log full of bugs, and hearing your story- it made me feel more hopeful and less alone.

Sometimes I get scared, that being so visible and open about my disabilities will prevent me from getting a job and from achieving my dreams. I doubt myself, like am I even doing anything to help? All I really do is have this little Tumblr blog with less than 500 followers, and work with my professors to make my old campus a little more accessible.

And then I get messages from people like you, and I feel like I'm making the right choice. When I was starting out there was literally no space for disabled people in ecology, no advice, no outreach. I did a ton of research and while there are plenty of wonderful disabled activists, I couldn't find any who worked in environmental science. I felt so alone and was treated badly by some professors and classmates which discouraged me even more. So I started this blog hoping to meet more people like myself and compile advice and info for disabled people trying to break into the natural sciences. I've been super surprised with the amount of support and feedback I've gotten so far, the disabled community on Tumblr is so wonderful and willing to help eachother. I'm so happy I've been able to reach people like you which was my main goal all along.

Honestly I started tearing up a little reading your message, and it just empowers me even more to keep going and not be afraid to say yeah I'm disabled and I love working outdoors! I am a scientist! I won't stop fighting to get workplaces to see our value.

I'm so happy for you that you decided to go back to school! Please don't be afraid to ask for accommodations and utilize your university's disability services. It's okay to go at your own pace, I know money is an issue for most of us but it's better to take longer than to end up failing classes. The road to graduation may be harder for us but I know you can do it! Please keep me updated! And as always feel free to ask me any questions!

#asks #chronic disability #chronic illness #environmental science #ecology #sorry this is long im just so touched by your message

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herzspalter · 2 years

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I know this is very personal, but would you mind me asking how you were able to get diagnosis and help for your fatigue syndrome? I have trouble doing things that should be easy but I’m always fatigued and have no energy. I didn’t know if you might have any advice. I’m sorry if this is too personal or if I’m prying. I hope that you can rest up and continue to feel better

Hi Lovely Anon!

This is completely fine to ask, I'm just afraid I won't have the best answer;

Basically, I'm tired a lot, but that used to be because I just tended to not take the best care of myself (please get enough sleep folks, it's so not fucking worth it to stay up drawing because "sleep is for the weak", please), and I had been diagnosed with fatigue syndrome a couple years back when I wouldn't feel awake at all for months, and that just went away with time for some reason.

What happened this time is that since January, I've been uncontrollably tired, to the point where I'd fall asleep during active in-person conversations, work i'm excited to do, and while standing up where I almost knocked my head on furniture etc, so because it started to scare me, I went to the doctor.

There, we tested for iron deficiency, low blood pressure etc, but while I had both of these, they're both in the normal low range and shouldn't give me this much grief.

After taking iron supplements anyway for over three months, changing my schedule etc, there was no change, so I got diagnosed with Fatigue Syndrome. This is not a condition or an illness, it's more of an umbrella term used to describe a patient who has severe fatigue where the cause can't be determined or is chronic (I'm shortening it very hard here, but you get the idea)

He suggested going to a sleep lab, which I did, and there, they measured if I have sleep apnea, by measuring my heart, lungs, movement and brain waves. Sleep apnea is, again super basically, a physical cause (if you snore a lot for example, you might have apnea), might be you're not getting enough air when you sleep or your heart skips beats etc.

In my case, nothing came of it, except that I move a lot in my sleep, which is something they can't help me with :')

Right now, they gave me a watch that I have to wear for 2 weeks that, from what I understand, measures my sleep phases, and I have to protocol my mornings and evenings after and before sleep. MAYBE this will help figure something out, but I really don't know.

So in short: I got the diagnosis because I went to a doctor and nobody knows what's wrong with me. Still, I think going to the doctor when the fatigue stays for long isn't a bad idea if it's in your budget/you live in a country that doesn't have shit health care, but I personally wouldn't recommend going to a sleep lab unless you have signs that you might have apnea. It's up to you ofc, but yeah this is a summary of what's been going on this year!

I hope this helps, and I wish you the absolute Best, I hope you can recover soon!! <3

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one-abuse-survivor · 10 months

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Ice Anon It's been a long, long time but I've just been drifting through life not completely here for a while. My days have blended together for the most part and there hasn't been anything super crazy.

Until now that is haha

So recently I have been thinking more and more often that I might have Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective, but I'm nervous about talking to my psychiatrist about this cause when I got tested for ADHD she said I probably have it but hasn't actually diagnose me with it.

She also won't give me ADHD meds until "I get my eating fixed" and since I probably have ARFID that's not happening any time soon, also everyone I know who's been on ADHD meds has been like wtf when they found out she wants me to eat differently.

But yeah, I want to know if I have Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective but I'm scared of the issues it'd bring me and the fact that we could spend money on it only for her to not help. I've come to peace with the fact I might be Schizophrenic, but it doesn't stop me from worrying.

And while I'd like to know I also don't know if I want that diagnosis on my record. I know there's nothing wrong with having it but so many other people don't get that and I just, I don't know.

I've already told my mother and sister that I think I might be Schizophrenic and they're supportive. Mom even said if it becomes needed she'll try to find me a new psychiatrist.

I have no idea how to feel about any of this, or what to do, I have also mentioned it to my best friend but I don't want to tell too many people just in case I'm wrong...

Hey there, nonnie. I'm sorry April was bad for you, hope things are going better now. I'm glad you could talk to your your mom and sister about this and they were supportive! And I'm also glad you've been able to talk about ARFID with your psychiatrist, since it's been something that's been coming up on your asks for a long time. She doesn't sound super helpful with the ADHD, though :(

I can understand being scared of seeking a schizophrenia diagnosis and everything that comes with having that in your record. It's still so stigmatised and misunderstood.

Looking for a new psychiatrist that makes you feel safe and comfortable talking about all this sounds like a good idea. I hope you can do that if that's what you decide is best for you!

Best of luck, nonnie ❤️

#ask #Ice anon #Dissociation tw #schizophrenia #Adhd #Arfid #schizoaffective

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diningwiththeasquiths · 3 years

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After years and years I finally took the step and asked to be tested for autism.

My GP was so sweet, he was all like: "It saddens me that you call yourself a loser, you're really not! You should appreciate your uniqueness. You should think 'yeah I'm awesome'! We have some courses here you can take to improve your self-esteem."

He also referred me to a specialist, who can (hopefully) diagnose me.

Yeah I am hoping to get a label after all these years, because I would really like an answer to the question why I am like I am (which is pretty different from the norm).

Oh, he also used the word "asexual" when I was talking about myself. I was so pleasantly surprised, I said: "Yes! That's how I identify! Aromantic and asexual!"

#I'm super scared they won't be able to diagnose me #I just want there to be a reason for why my life seems so sad and for some of the problems I keep having 😅😅#though I guess they can help me with my self-acceptance either way 😌#dining rambles #tagging this with #asexuality #so other aces can see a GP was aware of the term! 😊❤#such a positive development imo 😄

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gayfrogs03 · 2 years

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Autistic Nico di Angelo headcanons because it's one of my main Nico headcanons! It kinda long, sorry.

Nico doesn't get diagnosed until he starts talking to Mr. D and he's like... Wait a minute... And takes Nico to get a diagnosis.

At first he panicked because he remembers how Neurodivergent people were treated back then, but is quickly reassured that it won't happen to him.

Nico has a lot of sensory issues, which is one of the reasons he hates being touched so much.

The reason he wore that jacket all the time is because it was heavy gave him about the same feel a weighted blanket would have.

Nico stims a lot, which is canon, when he was younger he was said to be always jumping and wiggling around, Percy said it looked like he had to use the bathroom. When he's older is often said the be playing with his ring

When Will, Hazel, and Annabeth find out about his diagnosis they work together to do a bunch of research on how to make things a little easier for him

The also get him a bunch of stim toys, including the necklaces that you can chew on (what are they could??) because they noticed he chews on the collar of his shirts.

At first he was scared to use them because he thought people were going to judge him but they get a bunch for the camp so he wouldn't be singled out, which not only helped him feel better, but also helped the kids at camp a lot since they all have ADHD.

He talks with his hands a lot, which has lead to him accidentally smacking people while making big gestures.

He always feels bad about it, but people always know it was an accident and don't care.

When he talks about something he is excited about, or is angry he talks super fast and no one can understand what he's saying, especially when he switches to Italian without noticing.

He also just talks faster then most in general, but with a camp full of kids with ADHD they're all used to that.

He doesn't show is emotion on his face a lot, and mostly just keeps his face blank, which unfortunately for him he has resting bitch face and that's why people always think he's mad and doesn't want to talk to people.

Other than talking fast his voice doesn't give away any emotion either, talks in a monotone voice, these things make it hard for people to tell how he's feeling, and he's been compared to a robot on multiple occasions.

Social cues, and any subtle hints you give him will go right over his head, you have to tell him flat out what you are trying to say

Emotions are also something that are very difficult for him, identifying them and dealing with them, which is one of the reasons why it was so hard for him when he had feelings for Percy.

Sometimes it takes him a minute to realize that people are angry or annoyed with him, and a lot of the time he doesn't understand why, because people never say why they're angry just expect you to know. This in return causes him to feel frustrated with both himself and them

Also that where a lot of his anger comes from, him not understanding his own or other peoples emotions which turns into anger because he doesn't understand and feels like he should.

Will and Nico get together before his diagnosis, but it take awhile for them to get together because Nico thankfully was able to recognize his own feels toward Will but doesn't do anything about because he thinks there is no way that Will feels the same way.

And Will, the poor boy, over there, flirting with Nico on the daily, and dropping hint after hint after hint that he likes Nico, only for all of it to go right over Nico's head.

It wasn't until they are in a fight over Nico not taking care of himself that it call comes clean

"I don't understand why you care, Will!"

"I care because I like you! Gods, Nico, I've had a crush on you since I saw you in that stupid Hawaiian shirt, half dead but still wanting to help! I get it, you don't feel the same, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you continue to hurt yourself!"

".... You like me?"

And they talk things through, and Nico tell Will he never noticed any one of his hints.

Leo decided to make Nico a special kind of noise cancelling headphones for his sensory overloads, where he can adjust them to wear he can still hear people but it's not hurting him. Nico carries them with him everywhere he goes and uses them often.

When Percy finds out, he tells Sally (because he tells her everything) and she gets Nico a weighted blanket, and a new heavy jacket just like his old one for Christmas, Nico nearly cries because one, he's honestly just really happy she thought about him and can she adopt him (little does he know she's already mentally adopted him)? And two, it was just a really thoughtful gift that will help him a lot. He wears the jacket all the time, if anyone touches it he will kill them.

When Nico cuddles with Will, Will would basically drape himself over Nico, laying completely on him. He likes him because in his mind it's like he's protecting Nico from getting hurt or taken away from him, he knows Nico can handle himself but it sooths that part of his mind that worries. My man has also fought in two wars and lost two of his brothers and probably more people important to him.

People think that Nico would hate this because Will is so much bigger then Nico and his crushing him, plus Nico isn't really big on touch

But Nico actually loves it, because Will is very warm and he likes the weight on him. Plus he knows that if the touch got to much for him during cuddles he can tell Will and Will would get off him him no hesitation, and Will ask Nico every time to see if he's okay with it, no hard feelings if not.

Nico is very protective over his stuff and the way he has things in his cabin, both from his autism and growing up with very little things and no place to settle down.

Like one day, Hazel decided to be nice and organize/re organize things in the Hades cabin. When Nico saw it he has a whole meltdown because she touched and moved his things. She felt very bad, and got him McDonald's on an apology gift after he calmed down and start moving things back the way he had it. He assured her that he knew that she meant no harm in it and he's not mad at her because she didn't know and just wanted to do something nice for him.

Later they had a movie night cuddled up on one of the beds, catching up on movies they missed while in the lotus or dead (yes, I'm ignoring the no tech thing, lets just say the Leo and his cabin made tech monsters can't track, or something like that, or just completely ignore the no tech thingy).

If Nico has a meltdown around Frank he will turn in a big fluffy animal (probably a dog) and sit on Nico because the weight grounds him, he can't do any harmful stims with a giant dog on him, and the soft fluffy fur feels good against him skin. He also does this with their other friends and campers who are struggling with their PTSD. It's very effective, plus he gets pets which while he'd never say it out loud he loves.

Crowded placed tend to overwhelmed him, too much noise and people brushing against him. He will either leave (either shadow travel or just walking out), or if he's with a group of friends they will form a sort of barrier around him, not letting people touched him while he puts his headphones on, and stay like that until out of the crowd. They all act like normal, still talking to each other and stuff, and the barrier is subtle so it doesn't draw attention to him.

The first time they do this, when they are out of the crowd he just starts crying, full on sobs, because he realized how much they care about him and that he's truly not alone anymore. At first they panic, before realizing it's happy tears, and they comfort him and tell him, "Yeah, you're stuck with us now. No returns :)" he wouldn't return them for the world.

When Nico meets Will's mom he is so nervous and scared that he ends up having a meltdown crying at their house, and this sweet woman scoops him in her arms (after she got the go ahead to touch) rocks him back and forth telling him that she adores him already and that he has nothing to be scared of, and that everything will be alright. Tell him that the only bad thing she can think about him is that he doesn't like ice tea, and "I guess I can over look that" which earn a small wet laugh from him.

After that she take them to the kitchen and get all of them some apple pie, where they talk and laugh and she gets to know Nico more, while it's clear that Nico is exhausted and still not 100% okay, things start looking him.

That next Christmas she gets him a super soft sweater that says "Ice Tea Hater" on it.

Nico's overall mental health starts to improve just a little bit (he's never going go be mentally stable again, that's not how these things work) when Mr. D and Chiron work together to make a schedule for Nico to follow.

If y'all have any more headcanons, feel free to add them!

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traumatizeddfox · 2 years

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tw for paranoia inducing text n abuse ment! very venty, my apologies (I was also the anon who talked about my mother and our cheer assistant) I have extreme paranoia (and very probable psychosis) and my mom only recently began taking it a bit more seriously. Its horrible too because i'm very interested in criminal psychology and enjoy listening to cases on youtube.. but after I'll get severely paranoid. I tried to sleep a night or two ago and I kept opening my eyes to my door (it was open cause my cats usually are in my room, but we let them out at night when our dogs are in my grandfathers room) and I just kept feeling a weight of dread. I constantly check the doors to make sure they're locked but I know even when they're locked, they can be pushed open. I hallucinate but it's never something human-like, so it doesn't mess with me as much as a human figure would. I'm not scared of monsters or anything like that nowadays, it's always real people. I'm so worried about dying by someones hands that i've been trying to just mentally prepare for the day that if it did happen, and I never can. I don't think anyone could ever mentally prepare for it. My hyperfixation on dark media (specifically real life, or things that sound that they could be real, I don't enjoy very obvious fictional horror.. I wish I did.) is so overbearing that I can't stop watching things of the sort, but I know it'll fuck with my paranoia. It's a cycle, honestly. I tried just listening to it during the day as background noise while I draw, but come night time it still lingers. My doctor doesn't take me seriously and isn't on the books diagnosing me, but he said I most likely have some form of psychotic disorder (in his words). I told him about how I put garbage bags on my windows because I was so scared of people watching me through them or how I hallucinate but he doesn't think i'm truthful. I recently went off on my mom for not listening to me and getting me better help. It helped a bit as when I had a panic attack while cooking the other day due to sounds outside she offered a hug. I don't know how i'll survive in the real world as I feel any wrong move can kill me. When i'm out in the car when my mom runs in somewhere I have a screwdriver up my sleeve, anytime someone pulls up next to the car I get ready. I think of what would they say about me on the news if I went missing.. then the people who pull up next to me just go into the store. It's such a horrible cycle, I put myself in such horrible scenerios because of my "probable" psychosis. (i'm sure I am on the psychotic spectrum, it runs in the family.) I have violent thoughts of hurting others and going "well what if I was the one to advance, so no one else can do the same to me." which is HORRIBLE and I would never do that.. but that's what intrusive thoughts are to me. These failsafe ideas to save me something that probably won't happen, and realizing how horrible it must make me sound. Not to mention my diagnosed clinical depression, i'm horrible at hygiene and even worse at taking showers cause I feel watched. I want to be able to do things without fear, with just fun in mind. But I feel like everything is against me and I just want to move out but at the same time i'm worried that something bad will happen if I do. I wanted to drive to where my friend lives with my cats (it'd be a well over a day drive.) but I realized if I stopped to sleep anywhere I had the chance to become a target.. but I don't trust airlines with my cats. It's so fucking infuriating cause i'm moving out in under two years (I turn 18 this year, it'll take half a year to get ready to move or so). I can't leave my cats here because they're super attached to me and I lean on them for some support when i'm sad. I'm also worried people around me think i'll act out because of my intrusive thoughts, which isn't the case. But I don't want to scare them in anyway, because most of my friends and boyfriend are all I have left aside my cats. I don't like my family (but feel awfully attached, even if theyre abusive) and just

wanna be free.. but being free means working in retail or something and risk something happening at work... or being home alone and something happening... or anything in general. I just wanna enjoy life!! But it's so hard. Sorry for the long post, i've been everywhere the past few days and had to get it off my chest. I don't want to overwhelm friends cause I feel severely judged sometimes, which isn't their fault it's just my brain thinking like that. I hope you have a good day/night.

Oh that makes me so sad. Being paranoid is so terrifying. I would probably see if u can get a new doctor who will take u serious? are u seeing a therapist? that would also help i think. I also think if u can maybe limit to the true crime stuff? I used to do the same but it made me so scared so now i watch creepy easter egg videos about video games hahaha. I hope u get the help u need!!! <3

#anon

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wann-der-lusst · 3 years

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Dream

by Marinel Agcaoli

There are two people who love each other purely it is Christian and Marga. Because of their love it also caused a lot of pain in their lives especially Christian.

Christian and Marga live next door in a place called Emerald Street. Christian has an admiration for his neighbor Marga she is smart, hardworking, beautiful, kind especially to her family, so that many man wants to court him. Christian always goes to Marga's house to ask for fruit and for Marga to notice him. Christian doesn't know that Marga also likes him for being a very kind person, hardworking, also loving to his family that they both share. Many months have passed many have also changed in their place as well as their feelings towards each other.

"Maybe this is the right time for me to take a step Christian said."

One day Christian saw Marga shopping at a store near them and Christian approached her to ask her a question and to ask for Marga's cellphone number so that they could talk wherever they were. Christian soon admitted that they were looking at the girl, Marga was so shocked that she suddenly cried and run away to go home. Christian did not understand why Marga suddenly left. Christian didn't know that the girl was also looking at him. A few days later the two decided to meet so that they could talk properly, so that it would be clear to them how they felt about each other. Christian didn't stop to say in front of marga that he loves it and at the same time Marga said "I love you too Christian!” From that moment they confessed and they became really overjoyed that the two felt because of their love. This lasted for two years and their tenderness never faded especially for Christian.

Until one day, Marga suddenly became ill for almost two weeks and Christian missed Marga so much that he could hardly see her. She can't go to Marga's house because Marga's parents don't know that she already has a boyfriend and especially because they don't have the same religion and Marga's father will be very angry when they find out. For almost two weeks of Marga's illness, you can see the collapse of her body. Until Marga's parents decided to take her to the doctor. They went to a private hospital near their place. A doctor immediately saw Marga and the doctor requested that Marga be given a laboratory test to diagnose her illness. After that, the doctor was seriously surprised by the results of Marga's check -up. "I'm sorry to announce that your daughter Marga has stage 3 cancer says the doctor". Marga's parents were shocked and Marga herself collapsed when she heard what the doctor said to them. "It's not true! I can't have this disease! No! Papa, mama ask us for a second test to be sure ..." Marga said.

The day came when Marga's parents were waiting to know the finals as a result of their second opinion in their second check-up for her illness. The Doctor came in and holding the result."I'm sorry to let you know that the final result was correct when you first visited the previous hospital." The doctor said.

"No! Why?! I don't want to die yet! I still have many dreams in life, they can't take them from me right away, no.!!! "Marga said. Marga's parents are crying a lot because Marga is their only child like Marga, her parents also have many dreams with her. On the day that Marga found out the final result of her illness, Marga decided to see Christian, after all, she had somewhat recovered from her illness and she was also quite strong. Marga called Christian, Christian immediately contacted him because he was so excited to see Marga. The next day they met in a park and when Christian saw Marga he immediately run towards him and he hugged her tightly because he missed Marga so much.

"How are you? Your body is too thin, what happened to you my love?" said Christian.

"It's nothing, my love, I got sick, so this is the result of my body collapsing suddenly. But now I'm regaining my strength because is healed for you, my love." Marga said. Marga decided to have a vacation in a cold place like Baguio and also to celebrate their upcoming anniversary. It was here that Marga decided to give Marga's beautiful gift to Christian, the most careful of the women, her virginity. The day came for the two of them on their anniversary, they toured and toured various tourist spots in Baguio, in the evening they went to a hotel where they stayed to rest. Marga prepared special candles and roses around and when Christian entered he was surprised to see Marga lying on the bed and naked. After that happy event especially for Christian because Christian knows how important a woman's virginity is so he was happy that his beloved Marga gave it to him even though he didn't ask for it.

Then that happy event happened especially to Christian because Christian knew how important a woman's virginity was so he was happy that his beloved Marga gave it to him even though he didn't ask for it. The sun came up when Christian woke up and Marga was not beside him and he saw a letter on the side of the bed and he read it.

"My dear Christian. Forgive me but I can't last this relationship. Forgive me. I don't want to hurt you but I have to do it so that you won't be hurt more when the time comes." After praying and reading Marga's letter to Christian, Christian's world suddenly collapsed with what was happening.

A month later, Marga noticed that she didn’t had yet a period after Christian had something with them, so Marga was scared and immediately bought a pregnancy test to make sure. It was immediately used to know the result and here it is a positive test. Marga was surprised when she saw the result and immediately went to her doctor. When she consulted her doctor she became angry and told Marga how she would be treated for her illness if she was carrying a child in her womb. Marga informed her parents and her own parents were shocked and angry as well. First of all Marga's parents did not know that she had a boyfriend. But Marga's parents did nothing because Marga was already pregnant with her child and would be their Grandson. Marga decided not to treat and take care of and make the child in her womb healthy even if it would cost her life. Because she wants to grow up and give birth to Christian's child even though her boyfriend doesn't know what's going on with Marga. Because Marga doesn't want to hurt Christian so much! Because it will break his heart to see the person you love so much than your life.

The month has passed since Marga will soon give birth to her son Christian. Marga is very weak because of her illness and it is also difficult for her to carry the child in her womb. The day came when the child was born and this is a very strong child he named it heaven because his face was an angel who descended from heaven. A few days later Christian was walking in a mall and he saw a friend of his and Marga, it was Dave. "How are you Christian? Dave said." I'm okay Christian said. "When Dave saw Christian he greeted him about Marga and him and here Christian found out that Marga had given birth which Christian was immediately surprised. Christian was surprised and thought that maybe when they separated, she immediately had a new boyfriend because he had a baby right away. Christain was angry when she heard about Marga she was very hurt. He went to Marga's house furious because of what he found out. But he didn't see Marga because it was still in the hospital the only one he caught there was his sister Rose. Here he learned the truth so much that he almost burst into tears at what he had learned. Here he finds out why Marga left him because he has cancer and he also finds out that Marga’s born child is their child. "Why didn't he say I shouldn't be with him and I take good care of him" Christian said while he was crying. '' The next day Christian immediately went to Marga to talk properly because they didn't meet after their anniversary in Baguio. In a room where Marga was confined, he entered and saw his beloved Marga. Christian was very saddened by what he saw because Marga had changed so much in his body and in his appearance.He approached her and greeted Marga. christain said "Love .. ?? How are you? why did you let fight alone ?. Marga cried and was very excited to see Christian." Love ... Forgive me if I didn't tell you everything. I don't want to hurt you because it will break my heart more my dear Christian "said Marga. After Marga and Christian were able to talk. Marga showed their beautiful baby Heaven. Christian was very happy to see their daughter and Christian promised that he would take care of them both so that he would wake up and he would make up for the months and hours he had not been with Marga. a few days later Christian kat Marga's recovery was so overwhelming that she really cared and took care of it as well as baby heaven who was a super sane child. The day came when Marga requested to buy her favorite stitch qwek qwek and she immediately bought it outside. When Christian went up to Marga's room, there were doctors running to Marga's room, Christian immediately ran to see what had happened. Marga's parents immediately heard screams and cries. Christian who seemed to be crying inside the room. he saw Marga covered with a white blanket and Christian cried and hugged Marga. "Love !!!! this is what you bought huhuhuhu !!! I just bought it for a while why did you leave me right away my love ..... !!!!!! said christian. After Christian cried it promised Heaven will be taken care of as well as he loves Marga and he will fill her with love.After they woke up Christian woke up to the fact that it was just a dream and he seemed stunned because it seemed to be true but on the other hand It was just a dream. A few days later, Christian decided to wander outside and get some fresh air. While Christian was driving, a woman suddenly appeared on the road and hit him. He immediately get out of the car to find out the condition of a woman and it is surprised because on the other hand the woman he dreamed of is facing him now and that is where my story about Christian and Marga ends.

#short stories

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

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trigger warning for not wanting to live, trans struggles, self hatred

sorry that this is super long and whiny, no pressure to respond but thank you a lot if you do!

hello there! I'm currently unable to access therapy so I can't get diagnosed. I was already diagnosed with a sensory disorder as a child and general anxiety. I know I can't self diagnose but I want to better understand what's going on with myself and at least have an idea. Throughout my life I've felt really badly depressed. I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed, it must have been when I was really young. The depression never goes away. It is occasionally less severe but only when I'm escaping reality. I'm transgender and I am not out to most people. I can't stop thinking obsessively about getting surgery. I fear deeply that I've been influenced somehow to feel transgender, because I don't usually feel a want with such conviction. I am never decisive, I always doubt myself, but I am so sure about how badly I need surgery that it scares me. The fact that I physically cannot stop myself from thinking about it is really concerning. My life is falling apart around me, I'm constantly failing and losing everything, and all I can think about is this daydream of getting surgery instead of fixing my life. I'm scared that I don't really want surgery and that I'm actually just telling myself that when I get surgery I will be able to fight my depression. I fear that I'm lying to myself about needing something to make it better when nothing can really heal me from depression. I understand that it won't just go away, but I want surgery so badly that I feel like it is the end goal so I can start living. It is the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes is the idea that I can do it one day and live my life and cope with depression. Sometimes I feel happiness for a second and it makes me so uncomfortable and scared because it's so foreign to me. I feel so alone. I have always felt so awful and sick about myself in every way. I don't even understand fully why I feel like I'm transgender. I know I've always hated my body and wanted to be a different gender, but I wonder if I am not trans and I actually just have self hatred problems. Inside I really do want someone to tell me, yes it's okay to be transgender and you're not wrong, go get surgery and then you'll be able to live your life. But not only is that confirmation bias ridden, wanting to hear validation so I run away from any transphobia, but. I also worry deeply that I will get surgery and then remain just as depressed because I am the problem. I feel like I am the reason my life falls apart. I dropped out of college 2 years ago and left my job and i tried going back to school but i failed my classes. I am living with my family again and I work for them but I don't really get paid enough to save anything. I'm too depressed to think of what i want to do in the future even though they ask me all the time what my plan is now that i failed again. I cant talk honestly to them about any of this. Im so scared of it i have constant nightmares about them knowing anything about me. I try to stay positive but i feel broken and useless. i am failing in every way. i dont know what to do im really desperate. Thank you a lot for being here for people.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t access therapy. I do hope this will become a possibility in the future, so that you can get properly diagnosed, but most of all, so that you can get the treatment you need and deserve. Like you might know, we don’t promote self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. However, we do think it’s good to be aware of your own symptoms and try to understand them better.

I’ve personally been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia). This is when your depression lasts longer than two years. Throughout dealing with PDD, there can be major depressive episodes, since the depression with PDD tends to be slightly lighter / not as heavy. A different term for PDD is chronic depression, which I personally found really scary because I felt like it’d mean it’d never stop. The term chronic here is meant more as in ‘long term’, rather than ‘forever’.

It sounds like you see surgery as a chance for your depression to fall away. While I do think that you can feel better after surgery, feel more like yourself, I doubt that not having had surgery yet is the sole cause of your depression. It’s usually more complicated than that. So it can be tricky to expect so much of it, because then you can only be disappointed and I wouldn’t want you to have to go through that.

It also sounds like daydreaming about your surgery, is something that holds you up. It helps you manage your current mental state. And I’d say that’s okay! We all need something to keep us up, to escape the reality of mental health struggles. Of course you do need to face it from time to time, but you can’t do that all the time. You need an escape sometimes. So if that escape is daydreaming about surgery, I don’t want to take that away from you! I have my escape too, I read a lot of books where I can escape into different worlds.

Feeling depressed can become a security blanket too. It’s a familiar feeling. You know what it’s like. So then when you feel happiness, or at least a bit happier than usually, it’s scary. You don’t recognise that feeling. It’s completely new to you. So it feels uncomfortable and you try to get back to feeling depressed, because at least you know that feeling.

I can’t look inside your head, so I can’t tell you whether you’re transgender or not. But I can tell you that it’s completely okay to be transgender! You mention that you’ve always wanted to be a different gender, which sounds completely valid to me! Even if you hadn’t felt that way always, you could still be transgender. It’s okay to be transgender, it’s okay to want surgery. But I don’t know if it’s fair to expect to be able to live your life without depression afterwards.

Sometimes, thinking about the future can be too overwhelming. That’s what I find at least! I dropped out of uni and have been working ever since, but if I think about the future and going back to uni, I get overwhelmed. So I try to focus on the present. I’m working now and that’s okay. It’s okay for where I’m at right now. If I manage to feel better mental health wise, then maybe I can think about going to uni again. But right now that isn’t doable, so I don’t consider it. Do you think this approach might be helpful for you too?

I hope this helped at least a little bit! If there’s anything else we can do to help, please let us know.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #transgender #gender #LGBTQIA+#LGBTQ+#LGBT #depression #persistent depressive disorder #PDD #dysthymia #chronic depression #surgery #mhapauline

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morbidcals · 4 years

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30-Day-Thinspo-Challenge except I'm doing it all in one post because I'm bored :]

day 1, hw: 124lbs / sw: honey i don't remember i was like 12 years old / lw: 114lbs / cw: 114.6lbs / ugw: im not sure, it used to be 110lbs but since im so close to it, i think i should lower it. i know i can't go any lower than 112lbs because uh oRGAN FAILURE? but my disordered brain wants SKINNY / bmi: 17.3

day 2, i'm 5'8" and i really dislike it because i won't be able to weigh under 100lbs without dying

day 3, @/e.unjee on insta

i love her tiny waist and thin arms, she looks ethereal in all outfits <3

day 4, im scared of going to sleep one day and never waking up. or my family becoming worried and pitying me. im also scared of getting hospitalized with the tube :/

day 5, i really just want to lose weight to prove to myself that i can do something, that i have control of my life. i also just want to love my body and take pictures like a normal teen

day 6, occasionally, but what i consider a "binge" is usually when i eat anything that's processed or unhealthy, or if i eat more than one serving. so i don't know if that's really a binge- and usually it happens because i need to make sure my parents don't get worried or because if i fuck up i let myself go

day 7, my mom knows, and one time she got worried and asked why i wasn't eating. but im mostly at my dads, and he doesn't notice. he only gets upset when i make excuses for skipping dinner. my stepmom doesn't notice either.

day 8, i don't have one, i just do random ones i find on tumblr often. but, i do skate 3-5 times a week if that counts

day 9, yes, all the time. ever since i was a kid, my classmates, "friends" and parents have made comments. even now my sister constantly makes negative remarks and feels the need to remind me that im fat. like okay thanks :/

day 10, probably giving up snacking, or my parents dinner. i used to have a really bad habit of just snacking all day,, and i also feel super guilty whenever i have to make excuses to skip dinner since my dad and stepmom make it and expect me to eat

day 11, i don't have a favorite thinspo blog

day 12, i don't have a consistent eating pattern, usually im either drinking water or black tea. i also chew gum often- i fast whenever i can

day 13, definitely unhealthy 🗿 i eat like twice every other day

day 14, i don't know my ugw, i just want to be thin, at this rate, hopefully I'll be thin by october

day 15, im not vegan or vegetarian, however I've always wanted to be. i can't afford vegan alternatives to things, but when i can it will for sure be considered

day 16, dude i don't even remember, it was probably in 7th grade? maybe 5 years ago?

day 17, ive never been diagnosed, so i don't want to say. but im pretty sure stable people don't starve themselves 😳 bdhfhskgsf

day 18, NOODLES OR RAMEN. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HIGH IN CARBS AND SO GOOD :(((

day 19, the last time i ate fast food was- mmm i think two months ago? 👁👄👁

day 20, my favorite diet is wendys diet (from red velvet) it's where you have 1/2 a cup of rice for breakfast and 1/2 an apple for dinner. personally, it was easy because i love both those and it's easy to prepare

day 21, i actually don't know my clothing sizes. i buy everything in large or medium because i prefer larger clothes

day 22, im at my lowest weight right now, let's hope i don't gain 👁👄👁

day 23, the media definitely played a role in my desire to lose weight

day 24, the terms proana and promia make me uncomfortable. how can you be pro-deadly disorder for anyone? i know there's people out there who don't want help for themselves (like me) but i don't think it's right for you to be pro-anamia for anyone else

day 25, i've never purged, i promised myself i would never. i have tried to though but i lowkey have a fear of vomit :/

day 26, oooooohhhh im so excited to look tiny in big sweaters and to have extra small jeans be too big for me, i want to look good in all outfits and to love my body

day 27, usually whenever im around food i have a habit of wrapping my arms around my waist and bouncing my leg, or i'll wrap my hands around my wrist without even trying

day 28, i do want a gap because i think they're pretty :)

day 29, i believe that theres beauty in everything, and that our physical look is only temporary. we are just souls in a temporary world. but for some reason i still hold myself up to societies beauty standards 💀

day 30, 10 facts about me??

1. im a big pierce the veil fan, i tOlD yOu iTs nOt a pHaSe mOm

2. despite kinda obvious signs or disordered habits, my friends and family have yet to notice (probably because i intentionally hide it lol)

3. i love astrology!! im an aquarius sun.

4. i play guitar and like,, three songs on the piano lmao

5. i like kpop and bts, i used to be a hardcore stan but i rarely listen to them nowadays. i still support them though <3

6. woMEN!!!!! I LOVE WOMENNNN :) and men sometimes 😐

7. i study the law of attraction and listen to subliminals, ever since 2017

8. help idk what else to put lmao

#thinpso #30 day thinspo challenge

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edrecoveryproblems · 7 years

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I went through recovery about 3 years ago for anorexia/restrictive eating and I still have times where I go a couple days being very restrictive and get very anxious to count calories and I have a safe number for foods and if it's higher, I won't allow myself to eat etc I'm not full blown back to where I was but I can't help but feel like I'm slipping/slipping up. I'm not sure how to get back on the right path. Is it common for this to creep back up

I’m seventeen and I’ve been in recovery with little to no disordered behaviors for probably around three years. Now all of the sudden I think I might be relapsing. I’m finding myself having thoughts that I had years ago (like that I can control it, etc.) and I know those things aren’t true but it’s like I can’t make myself listen to that rational part of me. I’m about to move out to college and I don’t want this to get in the way of my education. I really don’t know what to do.

hi.. so i’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for about 4 years but since a few months back i consider myself pretty much recovered, with a few relapses now and then. i’ve learned to think about food in a much more comfy and healthy way and all that. but lately i’ve started having horrible cravings to lose weight again and compare myself to like skinny 14 year olds and i know it’s not realistic or healthy but i just want to feel that pretty and i’m scared this will never go away

hi, i just had a quick question. ive been in recovery from my ed for a few years and doing well generally, but every few months out of nowhere i’ll get super restrictive, purging, etc. to a point where it feels like some of the low points in my ed. it usually only lasts for a few weeks, which is the weird thing. all of a sudden it’s gone as fast as it came and back to it only being a small voice in the back of my head. is this normal?

I've been in recovery for a long time. Over a year. I was so proud. Doing so so so so good. But now I'm slipping back into my habits subconsciously. I eat less. Get full more. And once I picked up on it and tried my hardest to start eating more but now I'm really depressed and I feel really empty. Like something's missing. I don't understand why after a whole year it's showing it's head again.

So I understand what relapsing is when it comes to certain behaviours but how can you tell if you're having a full on disorder relapse?

Hi! So I am relapsing after 4 years of staying healthy. I start restrincting myself (not badly, but x cal per day) but after a few days, I get anxious and binge. Then I feel guilty and restrict. Any tips? Thank you

So I have been to a php for my anorexia when I was first diagnosed with it 3 years ago… I got discharged two months later… and have been doing outpatient ever since, and every single day doesn’t go by that in some stupid way I try in anyway possible to lose weight or try to skip food or restrict my calorie intake… I have recently noticed I’m getting bad again… if that makes sense? I don’t know what to do anymore I’m just frustrated.. I feel stuck!! Can I get some advice??

It is, unfortunately, very normal for behaviors to come creeping back. Using food or restriction as a coping method is addictive, an addiction that’s difficult to give up. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or you deserve those ED thoughts creeping back up. It means you have a disorder that you’re still fighting. The trick is in not letting your thoughts become actions.

Here are a few top tips that I’ve learned to help catch relapses early and get back on track faster.

- One of the most useful things I created in treatment was a “stoplight” system, which I’ve shared with my partner. It has “green”, “yellow”, and “red” behaviors on it. Green behaviors mean I’m doing fine, fully committed to recovery and living my life. Yellow behaviors are borderline - not fully relapsing, but headed there and behaviors need to be nipped in the bud. Red is a full-blown relapse, and I need to be seeking help immediately. Having that chart and sharing it with my partner helps immensely, as some of the behaviors are subtle, ones non-ED folks may not recognize as a problem.

- I have a box of index cards full of coping mechanisms corresponding to each color on that traffic light system. When you’re in crisis, it can be hard to acknowledge you need to do something. Once you have, then needing to figure out what to do can feel like too many steps. Having those coping strategies on hand makes it easier to figure out what now.

- Seek help as soon as you can. Reaching out to this blog is a great start. When you’re able (and I know this is easier said than done), it’s time to also let your support network know what’s going on. Ask a friend to help you if you need to.

Best of luck in your recovery. We’re here for you.

- Amanda

#ask #amanda #anonymous #Anonymous

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myvelouri · 5 years

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I'm having a slight break down. This is going to be way too personal

If anyone is allowed to hate their life (trust me there's a lot of people who are) then it's definitely me.

I'll tell you why. First of all, why should I care about this? I say that to myself, but I care a lot anyway.

I've never really been able to have sex like normal. As in, my body just fucking sucks and does weird shit. So, I've said it before. If I have sex or masturbate for more than 2 weeks, my skin suddenly becomes really oily and I get these hard bumps that eventually turn into fat ass PIMPLES and often times cysts. And yeah, they have scarred my face permanently. I get this on my fave, my back, bottom and arm pits. If I stay abstinent and don't jerk off or ANYTHING, I have the most perfect skin. (The permanent scars are still of course there and many have accumulated). And I just feel like this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't supposed to be real, doctors say it's impossible, yet it's happening to me and it's dead ass real. I've done many experiments and changed the variables like a science project, and it WAS one. I can prove this happens to me. But it's not about you believing me. I'm extremely... Heart broken that this is happening at all. My heart starts to shake. Because this seems unrealistic. Still, 15 years later. I still have to deal with this. To cope, I tell myself, well, other people just have acne ALL the time without being able to stop it, but me? I know what triggers it, and I don't have acne at all, but if I don't have sex as much as I want to, then I'm good to go. But my god it's such torture. It truly is. All of my ex's and past FWB actually ARE aware of this "condition" I have. They seem to be totally baffled by it too, and how real it is.

And it affects not just my own sense of freedom and enjoyment... But my god, when your girl is horny and she wants to fuck your brains out and you have to say "I'm sorry babe, I just can't... I can't right now, it'll be bad for me" it hurts the relationship wether she says "okay babe, I understand" or not. It just does.

And on top of all that, my dick size pisses me off. I'm 6'2", my dick should be huge. But it ain't. And here's another kicker, I can't fucking get hard. Imagine a 20 year with a fuck ass dick. Yeah, hi, that's me.

Although I stopped any kind of masturbation and porn for months at a time and it totally helped my erection.. it felt so fucking horrible. Wasting months and years of my life unable to just whack off or have fun having sex with someone I like and likes me.

It's cruel. It's so fucking cruel.

But to make myself feel fucking better, I tell myself, "hey, at least I wasn't born a pedophile, imagine how much worse that would be." And yeah. That doesn't even make me feel better anymore

My heart is racing now, as I type this.

My face in scars, my body just awful.

There's also the fact that I have a condition, a oral one, so, my mouth and jaws never fully properly formed growing up, and my face grew elongated and basically gave me a perma-derpy face. Picture Napoleon Dynamite, but brown, and fat. That's what the fuck happenened to me. It's a common condition. And you can see my school pictures every year from kindergartner to 5th grade and watch my face degrade and retard. It's fascinating to see. But I used to be a beautiful fuckin kid. This condition made me so ugly. I remember before I had it. In kindergarten and before, I have memories of girls all over me saying I was so cute. Girls asked me to marry them in kindergarten. But a few years later, those same girls didn't recognize me. It was traumatic for me. Big time. In fact, my heart is racing even faster right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my alcohol real quick.

Okay. So, on top of all that, I was a heavy kid. Well, luckily for me I'm a smarty pants and I was able to lose all my weight by 14 years old. Super skinny. But guess what? I have loose skin. It's rather mild but my god I cannot wear tight shirts at all. It's awful. I never take my shirt off in public. I've been working out and I can look decent in pictures in a few poses. But it's still horrendous in real life. You can see stretch marks too. I don't mind those.

But yeah. I've never felt free. I still have that insecurity and I usually try to hide my body if the wind is pushing my shirt into my body. I get anxiety and start sweating. It's just mental. I can't stop it, I can't okay?

And here's another thing. I was always really intelligent, very quick, and extremely funny. I used to be the class clown in my classes and even in my family (I have tons of relatives) and I used to be so popular on both of those social scenes. It was incredible. Girls would like me for my personality but wouldn't date or fuck me because they said I looked too ugly and goofy. Yeah, let me tell you, that took a long time to be okay with. I'm not okay with it still, but I won't cry anymore about it. So yeah, my brain, the only thing I cherished. I was amazing at video games, above average in everything I did, I used to help out my friends and family in video games and they'd be so impressed, they'd love me so much. I'd play online and people would go nuts at my skills, even when playing multiplayer games with family actually, I'd do some crazy fast reaction shots in shooters that was fucking incredible. I used to play professionally with a team I had too. I was looked up to in many ways. I was told that too. And so I loved my brain. I remember the quality of life, being capable of joking around, and it was so much fun, what a great gift of life. I'd joke around nonstop, riff with everyone, and I'd always be the one to win and end up making everyone crack up. Wow. That was FUN. It made life worth living and is why I absolutely adore comedy. But... I suddenly was hit with depression. I isolated myself. And slowly, my brain started to deteriorate. I have lost all of my big personality, humor (most of it is gone) my quickness, I'm terrible at games, my brain functions very slowly, I'm terrible at socializing (I used to dominate) and I can't study or pass classes like I used to (I used to with ease) and I can't remember things or memorize things at all anymore. Depression is slowly killing my brain, year by year. It's even worse now.

And now I'm finally old. I have nothing, can't do anything. My depression isn't mild. It was originally diagnosed as "severe depression" and it has killed me, who I am. The real me ain't here. I try not to say that as it makes my sister cry. But I died a long time ago. I'm just a shadow of my former self trying to make the best of whatever is left for me here. I have strong opinions on things, and I can't fucking even care anymore.

The worst part is just waking up. Every day. I hate thinking. But it's all my brain makes me do. And it's not even good at it anymore like I used to be. I wish it would stop. I'm scared to buy a gun. I was getting one for sport. To shoot targets. Not to kill anyone. I mean, it's good for self defense. But I just wanted it for sport. But I'm afraid. Because I think I really would shoot myself in the head eventually. I am so scared of that.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired.

#personal #depression #me #relationships #heartbreak #heartache

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myhealthwordvomit · 5 years

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Funny thing is as a kid in a super abusive environment all I wanted was to die. I was so sick then with different things I should have died. I was highly suicidal and attempted many different ways, none worked when clinically they should have. I had nothing going for me and not even an ounce of an escape. Then I started using that to prove it wrong. I would be okay, I would be successful. And I was for a bit. Then I got sick with a much worse and more dangerous beast. It's killing me. It started out of no where but after years I'm feeling how weak I truly am. Now that I want to live my body is trying to fucking die. My life isn't perfect, I'm sicker than a dog and I'm bedbound... However I'm married to the most amazing, wonderful, stunning, brilliant, and most understanding human in the world. I would and will do anything for them. I can't imagine my life without them, they made me a better person. I want to grow old with them, even if the pain sucks. I want to travel after retirement. Eventually settle on a home and own a shit ton of animals. I want them to be happy. Now that I want to live and I'm giving my everything to fight to survive it wants to fucking kill me. This scares me more than I let on to even my spouse. I had one saying to them when we met. If I'm worried about my health you should be extremely worried. I had been through so much shit and actual death that nothing bothered me anymore. To be honest at that time I didn't want to die but figured death would get me eventually. But after having something to fight for I started doing anything and everything to make sure I'm still here. I would freak out when my heart started to stop again, or my oxygen dropped majorly low... But after it was still life and the new norm. Now thing are much worse and after 3 years of no doctor being able to find a diagnosis I found many others who have the same exact things as me. It's so rare that most people are diagnosed at death. But in order for things to work out for us I have to wait a few months to get diagnosed. After talking to others that might certainly send me to my death bed... But if I don't wait I won't be able to move to the area that has the best success rate for the dangerous surgery. So I'm sitting here just stuck. I found this out yesterday, I can't sleep. My spouse is fast asleep beside me after a over 24 hr long work day. I plan on telling them this weekend. But how do you tell your spouse both sides of things don't look good with your odds of success... I didn't go through everything life threw at me to die at fucking 23. Not now, not anytime soon.

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