#I'm starting late but that's fine right

[0509-brainrot]

shake up that brain

#milgram #milgram project #mikoto kayano #my art #ah.. i suppose it's fine if i just put my general milgram art here too right? #anyways guess who Actually remembered how to draw ..? #kinda? i don't really know how this drawing happened it all happened so fast #but i like how it turned out ! i've been hating how everything i draw turns out lately guhhh #started off as a bit of a vent doodle then i thought “wait this looks kinda good” and here we are #i really like drawing mikoto when i'm stressed they're fun to draw :)) #i haven't done a like. Full Actual drawing in so long aaaa (no i don't count the previous arts on this blog those were more like doodles..) #i apologize to all the 0509ers following me i have not been putting out my best work for them.. #i have ideas cooking *rubbing hands together* #but for now.... kotos !! I think they're neat

[july-19th-club]

i think the funniest neal relationship is when he's dating sara because 90% of it is 'we both like to be dressed to the nines at all hours of the day and night, we should fuck about it' and the instant they have any disagreement whatsoever they're like oh right our expensive and impractical taste in clothing is the only thing we have in common

#she was like oh i want adventure so i will date a conman...wait not this much! babe stop doing art crime and just be theoretically bad! #hes like oh i have absolutely 100% moved on from the late great One Real Relationship ive ever had in my life i'm fine we're fine it's fine #sara doesn't think lunch counts as a date and he never thinks to plan real dates because he more or less counts all time spent together #and their relationship STARTS while El is telling sara how much better her and peter's lives are for having neal in them #and sara's like 'well what if i don't trust him' and El's like 'git gud i guess. i trust him with my life' #and the parallel conversation is peter gushing about how lucky in love he's been and neal going :( i dont think that's me :( #and peter going oh you just have to give it time :) you just need the right people :) you got this :) #like sara's cool but the two of them were doomed from the start as any sort of romantic partners #we did get some great leyendecker-esque scenes out of them posing in clothes though. so that was cool #white collar #q

[robbirdthe8th]

Karlach breaks my heart. She already had me crying in act 2 and hoo boy you should have seen me at the end. And it's not even about what ending she gets.

Because the thing is, she has cancer. She has this thing inside her that's killing her. She's dying and there's no cure, not one she wants anything to do with at least.

Every time she'd mention her engine and what it would eventually do to her, how she started saying stuff about how she could feel it happening, I could only think about people with terminal diagnoses.

And fuck, how she tried to act like she'd come to terms with it and didn't want to live if it meant living in Avernus, but then had that breakdown at the end?? I sobbed.

How many sick people have to make a choice like that? Die or live a life you don't want? You don't want to die but the alternative is hell. You can treat your condition but what's the cost? Will you be able to make peace with your life and your body afterward?

Fuck, Karlach just got started living life and then had her big bright future ripped away and tried to pretend like she was okay with it. She'd hold on long enough to help save the world and then die with a smile.

Except when it was all over and she didn't have that purpose to cling to anymore, just someone she loved, she realized how Not Okay she was with it. There's a lot to be said about bodily autonomy for people without many options left, but all Karlach wanted was to finally make her own choice about her body and what happens to it. And the choice she made, one she thought she was happy with - to die rather than live in Avernus - was an easy one. Until suddenly the end was right in front of her, and it wasn't easy anymore.

Breaks my heart.

#bg3 #bg3 spoilers #karlach #I need to add personal stuff to this #in my mid-late 20s my depression finally started letting up #life was getting actually pretty good #then I had a bunch of strokes suddenly #cerebellar strokes - 2x the mortality rate #and I remember in that brief period where they didn't know what was causing the strokes #I just thought about how I was finally free of depression only for this? #I just made it out of hell and now there's this thing that could kill me? #right when I could really see a future for myself? #the strokes stopped and I'm fine but I have unrelated chronic issues #so I'm still facing having a body that's betraying me by breaking down when I want to be Alive #blah blah I relate to Karlach blah blah

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[biracy]

Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard #but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better #haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more #to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow #my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest #idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself #except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of #again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this #but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head #just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment #i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post #NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space #i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how #okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope #open mick night

[espytalks]

i wish youtbe had a blacklist function, like this site does, or even an extension, where i can add certain key words and automatically hide videos featuring certain topics, either because i'm not interested, or they're genuinely upsetting, or it's specifically a person the site keeps recommending me. Like, i just looked through firefx's extentions, and i couldn't find anything quite like what i'm looking for? you'd think that'd be an accessibility feature a lot more people would be willing to use.

#espy talks #i'm seeing thanksgving recepie videos and it's making me sad #and also a lot of people are collabing with a guy i unsubbed from years ago cause he's an annoying asshole and i'm sick of seeing his face #i'm tired and sad and frustrated and right now it's hard to handle #it's been getting really hard to get to sleep nowadays even with sleepaid #cause ive been getting really anxious and sad late at night #but i still get woken up the same time every morning by the dogs cause they start barkign and won't stop #so i wake up extra tired and mad at the dogs #and then i look at the dishes i couldn't make myself wash the night before and i'm exhausted #i got most of em done tonight and i did a lot of stuff today #so i'll probably be fine tomorrow #but it's hard to imagine i'll be ok tomorrow when i'm not ok right now #all because a 1 year old binging with bobbish turkey video showed up in my feed

[dravidious]

🐢

Killed my fursona again, now they're haunting me by giving me dead mice and birds

Also I had an idea for a combat trick and I decided to make it a monster hunter card

#asks #custom cards #amazingly there's only 1 monored instant that gives reach: Academic Dispute #plenty of green reach instants but a sore lack of red ones #this is a straight upgrade over Sure Strike but that's fine because Furious Bellow is too #a slight upgrade #also i'm really satisfied with Geist of Gifts #i feel like all it needs is an uncommon stamp and it'd fit right into Crimson Vow #cost reduction and scaling buffs are dangerous so i made sure to balance the p/t and cost appropriately #and 3 mana feels perfect #you can play it early to start playing good auras or you can play it late to help cast disturb cards #also as usual i had to make sure i got the templating right on Gift of Memories #it counts the total number of 2 different kinds of card in 2 different locations #how in the world is that written? #do you use and or or or and/or between the different kinds of cards? and what about between the different locations? #luckily Beacon Bolt exists so it was an easy copy-paste #ALSO Magic Set Editor (the card creator i use) sometimes ends up putting rules text or flavor text behind the power/toughness box #it's been an issue a few times but i finally figured out how to fix it #normally the font size is automatically as large as possible and shrinks to fit in the text box #but it doesn't consider the p/t box so it ends up making it too big #but i found where i can set the font size manually! #so Geist of Gifts uses a font size of 13.3! perfect! #AND you set the front and back separately so Gift of Memories is just set automatically

[warlordfelwinter]

waterdeep campaign off to a powerful start the dm almost made me cry during celeste's like 1 hour solo session

#i gave her so many knives to use against him i think she used all of them and found some more under the bed #like STARTING the session off with the fact that celeste has been seeing asmodeus less and less and less lately like #oh i know where celeste's brain is at constantly a little bit right now #assuming he's about to be dumped #and then hanala comes swinging through the window with visions of the apocalypse #celeste is just the this is fine dog right now #trying to force himself to be more social while just thinking about how maybe waterdeep is about to burn to the ground #at least he got to eat an orange roll #the world might end but celeste got a pastry so that's all that matters #i also got two fucking nat 1s during this session #i only rolled like 4 or 5 checks and two of them were natural ones like please #i picked dice with celeste vibes from my collection and they betray me like this #fel's ttrpgs #dnd #tales from the dancing sea dragon #oc: celeste #i didn't immediately trip over his accent and bail though which is nice #i'm so out of practice playing a charismatic character though like god #it's going to take me a few sessions to get back into the asra swing i think #i keep making pretty flirty boys which is fun for me an extremely awkward person

[dykefaggotry]

today has been such a catastrophic shit show that I can only laugh

#in order: #new frat boy called off 30 minutes till opening shift so I had to open alone #brand new hire gets there for her first shift while I'm dealing with like 3 customers alone #other trainer coming in is late #1 of 2 brewers breaks while I'm alone and is steaming everywhere screaming and leaking absolutely everywhere #which we didn't notice the leaking for a good 2 hours #an espresso head breaks (at this point I just started laughing) #at least 5 asiago bagels get stuck in the toaster conveyer belt #I have to start an insulin pump which is fine but I have to feel that pain get triggered by smth stupid sensation wise & face my weight #I go to get an emotional support diet coke from McDonald's but they're closed for everything but ubereats and mobile orders #fine that's cool then I have to turn left across 4 lanes of traffic #lady behind me gets impatient and gets in the RIGHT turn lane to take the first chance to turn left that I should've had #someone finally brakes and makes eye contact to let me through and then as soon as I go to turn they hit the gas #realize their mistake and then we both have to slam on our brakes so we don't die #get home and the cats have thrown up everywhere #I'm literally...... #and I still have to go pick up prescriptions and vote later so god fucking knows what else is gonna happen I'm expecting aliens or WW3

[imwritesometimes]

I love being into media that is old and has pretty much no following here I love feeling like I'm contributing nothing but irritation and annoyance even in my clown enclosure

#like I know no one cares abt the blorbos I've cared abt lately. like. no one. and that's fine! #I don't expect other ppl to be foaming at the mouth rewatching the same 15 year old tv episodes as me lol I know I'm an outlier here #however I do feel like...... idk. this is my ultimate clown zone I come here to honk. loud and long. for the blorbos. #but when you're honkin' solo idk you start to feel real irritating. and dumb. #there is nothing else I really give a shit abt right now though soooo 🤷‍♀️ #idk it just starts to feel like lmao I'm being irritating talking abt shit no one cares about *online* now too yay!! #idk man idk it just feels like irl ppl don't give a shit abt anything I have to say and then I come on here with this #ancient niche blorbos from l&o shit and it must be like I'm thr most irritating mutual/poster on this fckn site #I'm in a very weird headspace today and I haven't really enjoyed it idk ✌️🥴 #erin explains it all

[quatregats]

Editing my cringe thesis writing my cringe statement of purpose filling out my cringe applications

#and by cringe i do literally mean thing that makes me cringe when i read it or think about it #i'm fine i just need to remember how to be a person who exists on earth and be okay with it #tomorrow i have to hit send so it doesn't even matter anyways #also i have no idea if my recommenders are checking their emails right now but aaaa i hope they submit the lettters #tbf this is on me for being late i could have started the apps before break #but heigh ho here we are #perce rambles #(yes i promise after this one i'll be done)

[scarletcomet]

my therapist literally always cancels on me when i need therapy the most

#maybe that's why im at a point where i think therapy is useless (my parents are making me and they pay my tuition) #canceled on my last semester when my friend died by suicide #now when my mental heath has not been great and i've been self harming #still have never processed that first thing as well as my own suicide attempt #so sometimes ill start thinking about that stuff like randomly throughout the day and have thoughts and feelings #i finally opened up to my therapist about sh but now im gonna go week(s) without talking to her when i need it most #like i know she has a life and stuff and it's not her fault lol #anyways im at a point right now where therapy is useless #i've tried multiple different anxiety meds in the last few weeks #and my dr says if this one doesn't work then there's not any other meds #im not suicidal or whatever but sometimes things just feel so hopeless and life feels like never ending torment #it's whatever. i'm fine. i have to be fine #even if i do get through this week then there's just gonna be another and another and another #shut up brain. these are the kinds of thoughts that remind me of when i was really suicidal and bring back bad feelings and memories #why am i like this #im so sick of years of mental illness ruining my life and it's only been like 7 years of this and i have to do like 60 more?? #shut up brain #i can't let myself get suicidal. idk why but i just can't #my mood has been ok lately and my anxiety has been the problem so wtf is up with this? #tw self harm #tw: suicide

[youremyonlyhope]

4:30am and spiraling about job applications woohooooo

#adulting #still not actually applying yet. i'll start applying at the end of the month i think #since i can't start a new job until mid-ish september anyway #still taking the summer off from full time job and just working on costumes for an opera and maybe a musical too #the freedom is nice. the lack of income is not nice. just paid my credit card bill today. not having that money come right back in sucks. #but i got enough saved up to be more than fine this summer with no consistent income and just the little bit from the opera #but anyway. i think i maybe know one of the job areas i'll start applying to since i need some non-theatre stuff too #because the odds of me getting a job in theatre is very very low right now #but maybe i can use my education admin background for something else sort of adjacent #i'm gonna talk it over with my therapist tomorrow yayyy #my therapy appointment's in 6 hours. i've stayed up way too late. but my bubble tea kept me up. #i was super anxious this weekend and i literally cannot remember why so that's fun. maybe i'll remember in my session. #because i could not breathe during one of the nights this weekend and literally i don't know what caused it. i blocked it out.

[handsomewitch]

i've made this post before but it bares repeating. it's always so wild to see young trans kids be like "oh i'm 18 it's too late for me" and more importantly seeing that being like, pushed from other trans people bc when i came out at 15 back in 2009, literally What You Did was just. wait to turn 18 so you could move to a major city and start transitioning. i got on hormones at 23 (nhs waitlists) and top surgery right before my 25th birthday. i consider myself a pretty early transitioner. i'm 30 now and i still experience changes from my hormones bc that's what it is to exist as a human and have hormones in your body. you're fine.

[aberooski]

I need a new job

#I was fine #I was fine until this last hour #I was having a good day until this last hour #then of course we fall many theaters behind so we're scrambling #accidentally go into the wrong theatre that has just started so we think we're that late #go halfway to the next one before realizing we went to the wrong one #then go to the right one only for it to be messy as hell #I of course being stressed by being behind schedule and by the mess actually trip and fall #angrily scream fuck very loudly as apparently people were walking in for the next showing #I also broke my dustpan in the process of this fall #scrapped up my knee also so that hurts #my throat has also geen hurting and my voice gone all day so screaming was not good #we then proceed to have to clean very fast with people standing there watching us and me on the verge of crying #and then running and ruahing the next like 2 theaters to catch back up #I hate everything #and of course I'm scheduled for tomorrow #I don't even normally work on wednesdays and this has been a horrible day #fuck everything #abby's having a crisis

[reginaofdoctorwho]

im going to fucking cry

#so my boyfriend and i got passes to the orchestra in the close city that has one #they have 3 christmas concerts that i really wanted to go to #1 we missed because school/studying/missed the days #the 2nd we missed because he waited until day of (a sunday) to call the box office and they were closed because sunday #and we had tickets for this morning for the 3rd (runs thursday friday saturday sunday) #and this morning we're texting #i set down my phone while doing my makeup #i pick it up and he's texting that he doesn't think he can go because he's getting a cold #which okay! #so i text back and ask if we could try to go sunday after i babysit #to which he says maybe #and starts going off on me about how i didn't ask if he was okay or say i hoped he'd feel better before trying to make new plans #but he HAD SAID he was fine and just need to rest in the original text #and he had asked if i'd be fine with not going with “it wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't go right?” #like yeah it wouldn't but i'm still fucking disappointed #just i wanted to see at least one of their christmas concerts because it's not like i get to play my instruments anymore #and i just failed my classes for my major #and my mental health has been absolute shit lately which he knows about VERY WELL #because i had to give him my knives and lighters to hold onto #but he's just been bitching at me for not being sympathetic enough #and ''if we were going to a hardcore show and you didn't feel well i wouldn't enjoy it or want to go'' #but that DID happen and we still went! #when his friend drove and made fucking bj jokes about me and i was barely able to fucking talk #he still had a good fucking time #i've never canceled one of our dates and in the past week alone he's canceled THREE #which he's getting sick i know but still! just don't have us reschedule in the same week then #and i don't think we'll be able to get tickets for sunday because we had already called for tickets for today #and they won't let us do both days #just it's a lot and i can't stand it