#I'm probably just going to camp out in a cave again. That usually goes well. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thessalian · 24 days

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Thess vs the Eclipse Resurgence

A little more Forbidden West ... except not really in the Forbidden West, mostly.

Okay, so - off I go to this clearing. Well, there's all the blood, and ... well, here we go, Focus says third person. Let's follow the third person.

Oop, there goes a raccoon. I could Focus it but it'll be got away by the time I-- Oh. I just ... approximated its trajectory and shot it. DAMN I'm good.

Why do these people not just kill the machines when the machines are in their way? It's not hard! You'd figure everyone wandering around outside a settlement would go armed when there's a possibility of machines in the way! Ah, well - at least that means I'll never be out of a job. ...At least, if I save the world. I guess it's not going to matter either way if I don't.

Aha! Cave! Wow. Cave full of shinies. Treasure caves for the win.

Huh. Yeah, that's Eclipse alright. Shooty time.

Wow. I'm getting good at melee stealth kills. Then again, how far am I down the Infiltrator tree? Yeesh.

"We should go check". Yeah, c'mon down into the nice dark cave where I can shoot the living hell out of you people. YOU PEOPLE WERE SUCH PAINS IN MY ASS AND I'M NOT DEALING WITH IT AGAIN IF I DON'T HAVE TO.

...Oh. Was I supposed to fight them out here? Eh well. they came to me. That seems a nicer way of dealing with it.

Eclipse with Focus. Great. And apparently the wanting to set up whole armies in the Forbidden West to TAKE OVER THE WORLD-- oh for fuck's sake. I guess this is what @true0neutral meant by "You'll like what they have in place of bandit camps", hmm?

Right. Mask for proof and ... okay, brief raid of the rest of the shinies in this cave and then I will go back.

Ooh. Nighttime. And Fanghorns in the way. Yay, Zen hunting!

...Fuck. I think I lost a Scrounger down a cliff. Eh well.

Go, Conovar, be freeeeeee! No, please, enjoy the being free. You don't want to dedicate your life to a cause; it sucks. I can take on another cause; it's fine.

Right. Now, how do I glide? Okay, now you're not giving me helpful hints. I want the helpful hints; how do I fucking glide? Lemme check the keybinds - and you don't tell me either! Fuck's sake. Fine, lemme do some testing; I'm sitting on all the medicinal berries in the world anyway.

...Fuck this. The glider no longer exists. Fuck it and fuck my life.

Right. Onward to the scavenger place. Ooh, hey, foxes! I need fox parts! Let's do this!

Ooooooooookay I saw some of that stuff I see in the distance at the far edges of Nora territory etcetera, but I seem to recall it looking somewhat less like a fucking Reaper. Didn't I have enough of this shit on the final run to the Beam in Mass Effect 3? And I had better weapons until Harbinger wrecked my shit up and left me with nothing but a hand cannon to deal with the final boss of Marauder fucking Shields. ...At least I can trust Guerilla not to do that to me.

Ugh. No, dead-by-Blight fox is not worth this. Man, I spend far too much time in games where the Blight is a thing and red things radiate deadliness of that sort. Now I kind of wonder what the colour-blind accessibility options do because for those of us who can see colours in the usual way, red means danger but red is also the grass we hide in for stealth. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND.

Hi, Scavenger dude. Oh, you want to make spiffy armour? Cool. Ah. You're running a contest and this poor jerk's stuck without parts. Well. You've given me an excuse to Zen-hunt, Poor Jerk, so I will be nice to you. I like hitting up Shellwalkers anyway.

Precision arrow quiver upgraded YEEEEEES. And that's the achievement for having upgraded all the bags at least once. I like achievements. They're fun.

I ... should take a break or something. More coffee. Food. Then pick what the hell I want to do next. I see ... one of those Eclipse camps ... a Large Metal Bird hunting spot, and a whoooole lot of Fog of War, so there's probably a Tallneck out there someplace. ADVENTURE! ...Yeah, okay, and saving the world, but lemme HUNT.

So I'mma go grab some potato salad and coffee and then get back to the ADVENTURE. If nothing else, this has so far been a great way to hyperfocus past the OW I woke up with today. I mean, the paracetamol helped a bit, but sometimes, even when moving hurts, I just have to keep weaponising my hyperfocus tendencies. I could be a grumpy sod about the fact that it took forty-some years to figure out that I probably have ADHD, especially when it's often misdiagnosed as borderline personality disorder in women and I was diagnosed with that over twenty years ago, but ... I'm honestly not that much? I still prefer having a diagnosis when I can, but at the same time, I did at least figure out how to not only work around the whole mess but even use some of it to my advantage. See also: hyperfocus as an all-natural painkiller, and setting my executive dysfunction to work against my impulsivity tendencies so I don't end up bankrupting myself stupidly. I guess we all figure it out eventually.

#Thess plays video games #Thess liveblogs Horizon Forbidden West

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nashta · 7 years

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Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

#myposts #depression #depressing thoughts #anxiety #ravings of a madman #wes #wesley #yeah this is about you sorry for being so shitty #really really hoping you're not going to read this #really hope you don't have notifications on or something #hope you just don't #at the very least #don't fucking say anything to my mom #k cool #I am trash #personal #personal thoughts #bye

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