#I'm aggressively loud) and it's genuinely scary to think about fucking with my own head like that.

[factorialsotherfandoms]

Screaming again don't mind me, just I usually realise the tags are going to be trashfires but I went to bed before the inciting incident last night and oh boy are my blocked tags insufficient huh.

This should be taken in the context of I've had a long week, I'm literally ill, and I just want thoughts out my head so I can enjoy the streams tonight please thank you love you all <3

I'm sat here like on the one hand Sunny being upset about last night is COMPLETELY legit. Like I think I know where Philza was coming from - Tubbo and Slime both respawn when killed, which 'real' eggs don't - but many of the words he said while his usual teasing were out of line, especially when Tubbo wasn't there to defend himself. And like a kid isn't going to see that so fine its cool if I thought it was ever going to get resolved yeah no perfect sense here. And even with that logic in mind it's a fucking dick thing to say. There were only bad answers. It was a question designed to have only bad answers. The least bad answer was probably honestly Trump as not only is he dead all his parents are too, but that suuuucks.

On the other hand, I know where this started and what it started with is with ccPhilza's tone of voice and phrasing (because those are the same as qPhilza's in many of the instances), and I do not think it was ever appropriate to have this come up as a thing in the first place. I don't care about the IC-ness or whatever right now, I mean pure simple if this should ever have been a plot point in the first place. And the longer it goes on without anyone fucking telling Phil so he can fix it the more certain I am it was a fucking awful move that never should have started - and if Sunny didn't already think Phil hated her, maybe this would be more interesting! The whole thing with the Tubbo and Gegg.

Anyway point. QSMP is supposed to be about cultural exchange and communication over differences and language and stuff, but what's being done here is reinforcing genuinely harmful with real life consequences stereotypes about English Northerners - the sorts of which have things like people being put on blacklists by their own home insurance providers due to being 'difficult customers', and having the cops called on them for 'being aggressive' when they said fuck a bit and laughed too loud, and being failed in class for talking wrong, and I just... The one thing from last night is completely legit. That's entirely and perfectly legit and all that, but the fact is it's not in isolation and whether intentionally or not every time Sunny and Philza are in a room together no matter what I blacklist if I look in the tags for my primary PoV it becomes a fucktonne of classist microagressions.

And like ccPhilza may well be fine with it! And that's cool and all! (Though I'm honestly not convinced he's entirely aware ooc Sunny's afraid of him) But much like any of these things, it's not /only/ the cc who stands to be hurt by it.

Which is to say I think Sunny's admin is a good roleplayer but not so good at being an NPC and is - probably accidentally, and only in a minor way god knows the rest of the media joins in - contributing to genuine and actual harm with their choices here. Calling Philza aggressive or scary based on his accent, phrasing, and tone of voice (and like this is outside of last night - this is how it /started/ not where it is now) is in a similar if smaller vein to saying the French players are stuck up, entitled, prissy, flirtatious, etc for having French accents. Or the Mexicans are stupid for their accents. And when he's the only northerner and he genuinely isn't being aggressive when he's being accused of it it's... uncomfy. ESPECIALLY as it's not from another player, it's from a fucking admin('s character) who should be being held to a higher standard on shit like this as the admin's are part of the organisation team.

It'd be less bad if there were more regularly playing northerners, or if tubbo wasn't a southerner, or if she was afraid and people were yelling about her being afraid of other characters too, but it's /so/ noticably Philza.

And it's not intentional, there's very little chance it's intentional, but it's still why I have to put on a fake accent to call the DWP else I get blacklisted and treated significantly worse. One time I rang up, usual accent, after 40 minutes of being bounced around was told no. Rang back, spoke to someone else, put on my other accent, was treated significantly nicer and got told yes. And this shit happens regularly in my life. Northern is more natural to me but I can also do southern. And my sort of northern is considered more acceptable than ccPhil's!

I don't really want to talk about it, I just want to scream.

#discourse #qsmp crit #fandom neg #admin crit

[7-oh-ta1]

Me: sometimes I want to dress closer to my higher kins but the more I think about it, it's kind of scary so I probably shouldn't lol

People: No no cosplaying someone you kin is fun!! It's super cute and you'll be so happy! It's not scary at all!

Me: I Am Mentally Ill, So It Could Have Potential Side Effects For Me That You Cannot Foresee And These Side Effects Will Fuck With My Head. I Am Not Saying It Is A Scary Thought Because I'm Scared Of How I Will Look, I Say That Because I Am Genuinely Worried About Myself And My Mental Well-being If I Were To Look Like A Kin.

People now thinking I'm making it up or I'm crazy:

#lindsay speaks #look kinning can be casual most of mine are casual but when you really do closely identify with a character #while I'm perfectly capable of knowing I'm not a fictional character if i see myself looking like a character i kin it fucks with my maskin #abilities & my sense of self. I'll probably start acting like them in ways i didn't before (example - kyo shouts a lot & i don't. suddenly #I'm aggressively loud) and it's genuinely scary to think about fucking with my own head like that. #BUT THEN AGAIN...... ULTIMATE HAPPINESS #the euphoria of wearing a shirt with a lil goop dude on it.... HNNNN