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pillowenvelopchair · 6 months

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Hey guys!! this is just my insane ramble on Still Waters Run Deep that's made by the lovely @un-local. I've had so so sooooo many thoughts about this fic and I decided to try and put it all coherently in a post :)

Probably not a lot of new insights, just many, many rambles

Magdalene analysis and her view on Rogier + some other stuff

Magdalene, at the start of the story, is aimless and refuses to follow any line of Grace, putting off whatever it leads to and going in the opposite direction. Yet Grace is fickle, and it all eventually converges, so she gives in. (aaaand a life-changing partnership ensues)

She wants out of the competition of becoming Elden Lord, and she wants nothing to do with it. Someone else to take lordship is what she wants. Magdalene, in her eyes, is not worthy to take the throne. But Rogier on the other hand…

Rogier is, quite literally, built different. He thinks differently compared to Magdalene (a STR vs INT user difference lol). He’s able to pick out all the details that she would miss. Be able to extrapolate and examine it all and be able to learn from it. Magdalene can't do that.

It's basically:

Rogier: says some fun facts about the most random thing in the room, saying all the history behind it, and what the tiny details could mean Magdalene: yeah, that's a rock.

So instead, she becomes a tool for Rogier to be able to use, because that's the least she can do for him.

“She can already feel the faint grin forming on her lips at the thought. She never wanted to be Elden Lord. She’d finally picked up and followed grace to... to get away, with no idea what it called her to do. When Melina told her where it led her, she felt only dread. But Rogier... To save Those Who Live in Death... Two birds, one stone. She meets his eyes, and doesn’t look away. In them, she doesn’t see pride, or avarice. She doesn't see a man who wants to rule the world. Not at all. The path forward is clear now.” -Chapter 22

For once, she really sees a light from the dark future she sees. She's hopeful that she won't have to take the throne, that Rogier can burden it instead of her. He's worthy in her eyes and because of that, she devotes herself to him with all she can do. (Ah but… I believe Rogier wants her to be Elden Lord? Not sure but her not wanting to be Elden Lord doesn’t quite fit with what he has planned)

Magdalene really holds onto Rogier, and his guidance (a comfort wizard, if you will). And so the idea that he won’t make it… that she’ll be left alone with Grace again, forced to join back into the competition for lordship... It's sickening to her. So she really clings to him, desperate to not be left alone with a destiny that she despises.

Magdalene is always pulled into different directions. Grace pulls her to one but she pulls herself to the opposite one. Fia and D are both on extreme sides of the spectrum on Rogier's survival, and Magdalene is caught right in the middle of it.

But for her, Rogier will survive, he has to survive otherwise... that light, that small hope she has will all fade into obscurity.

Ghosts from the past (Lorens and Ida)

I absolutely love how something, or rather, someone haunts both of them.

Lorens had been the catalyst of all of what Rogier does now. Why he’s so desperate to save those who live in death. He's literally devoted his body and mind to Lorens just to see him alive (maybe Rogier's devoting all of himself to finding a solution to death because he wants it to come back to the old times when it was just him and Lorens in the Rise, or maybe not!! I'm just rambling lol).

Every thought of Lorens is painted with a sort of bittersweetness to it. From Rogier's perspective, at the very least (I'm super curious as to how Lorens would view Rogier but we'll probably never get it because... you know...). He's almost obsessed with him, and it's all pretty unhealthy lol.

Magdalene, who’s haunted by Ida who's probably a sort of lover that hadn't been fully brought to fruition. Different opinions on what they have had made Magdalene leave with (from what I have seen at least, we have scrapes of her, people! I can't wait to see more of Ida though)

Now with Ida... Magdalene absolutely shakes herself out of every thought she has about Ida. Spurning every single thought or imagination she has of that woman.

"Nausea comes in waves. Fever. She can feel delirium taking her—she’s convinced she’s submerged in the very waters of creation, for a while. She vividly feels herself sinking deeper and deeper into a current; cold and dark and inescapable. As it pulls her down, she’s overcome with the instinct to breathe it in— Against her temple she feels a hand, with gentle fingers dragging softly through her hair. Suddenly, every layer of the dream collapses in on itself, and she jolts awake with a gasp. Here, in Liurnia, she hauls herself up, rubbing at her face. Even the memory is a shock of cold water to her. She’s a woman haunted." -Chapter 23

(I just really love this part- I can't help it)

I think it's also really interesting how Magdalene leaves Ida due to their differences in what they have (?) while Rogier just absolutely hangs onto Lorens no matter what, despite him being... er... him. Not so sure about his personality with the small flashbacks we get of him but he’s probably not good for Rogier.

In short, Rogier venerates Lorens, while Magdalene absolutely rejects Ida. (Opposites!)

Rogier’s overthinking

Also found it interesting that when Rogier thinks he really thinks. He's a professional overthinker, even in the past

"He thinks of the labyrinthian etiquette, the way he’d triple-check every sentence for a double meaning. The secrets, the ruthless political schemes. It all felt like a spider’s web to him. He’d learned the game, and he played it well, but it had been nothing but paranoia and misery for him. Just like it was for everyone else." -Chapter 17

It's what's kept him alive (Ch. 17), and what's been able to pave the way for his findings Yet, it’s also his curse. He tries to pick out every detail that he can and think of every possible reason or motivation. Every single outcome he just needs to know so that he won't get caught by surprise again. He needs to be in control of the situation, he needs to be the master of the chessboard.

Oh and once this guy spirals, he really spirals. He starts thinking and looking at details, rewinding every single thing, every interaction, and trying to label a reason for every little thing. Yet... something emotional seems to break the surface of the water.

I personally think that he was raised to overthink. He was a noble after all, and he dealt with politics. He truly needed to check, double check, triple check, every single sentence and word in case it would have a double meaning. "He’d learned the game, and he played it well" (Ch. 17) . Getting worse after Lorens' death, being fooled by "Only a cut." (Ch. 25) and seeing the aftermath of it.

He can't not do it because if he doesn't, and he gets surprised it would break him (or at the very least, freak him out).

ALSO!! Rogier hating on "saccharine conversations" (Ch. 17) good lord. This guy cannot be real with anyone. Rogier refuses to show vulnerability because:

1. He was raised like that (the whole attachment theory thing) 2. He will absolutely break if he does

Do you guys remember when Fia tells Magdalene that "dear Rogier began to weep as he spoke" (Ch.14)? Fia saw through Rogier's walls through the cracks and he just absolutely breaks down. (Get yourself a man who, after "embracing" tells you all about this thing he's obsessed about and then cries because of it)

It's a mortifying ordeal, that someone's able to see through the walls you've meticulously put up. It hits something deep within that he’s tried to bury.

Despite the walls he puts up people other than Fia see through them. Magdalene (Ch.7) was able to see through the small cracks that have broken, and Roderika... hoo she really hit a nerve didn’t she? (But it also hit one of her nerves too, Rogier vs Roderika am I right?)

Chapter 17 analysis

Also, while we’re on the topic of Roderika, let's talk about chapter 17! Seems I have a lot to talk about.

I absolutely love this chapter so much, it gives us so much insight into Rogier's backstory and the way he thinks. His noble background really shines through here, with how he acts with Roderika who is a fellow ex-noble too.

"His grin is wide and carefree, but it rather feels like he's baring his teeth. There’s no room for your pity here." -Chapter 17

This guy cannot accept any sign of sympathy/compassion with anyone. It's all pity to him, and he absolutely hates pity. Once Roderika starts to console him too it sickens him and it makes him bare his teeth like an animal, his baser instinct showing just a little bit.

He’s probably bore his teeth to other nobles in the court, or whatever meetings they have with one another. Small threats that get the message across by a vicious smile, is something he is all too familiar with.

I also think that it's a little bit funny how he gives advice to Roderika but then is also a little bit of a hypocrite about it

“It’s hard, to leave it behind. But the old world will keep its claws in you, if you let it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier while it's not his past life that he's stuck but rather, he is stuck on Lorens. Even though Rogier is no longer Lorens' student, even though Lorens is dead, he still has his claws on Rogier. It's his entire motivation, why he's in a "pathetic" state now. He isn't letting those claws go, he lets them dig deeper within him, and they dig in deep.

“You already have it within you," he says. "They were only trying to bury it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier immediately buries his own emotions in this interaction when Roderika tries to console him lol. Just based off of him being an ex-noble and his whole family thing, it's well established that he is very much used to burying it all down his gullet. I mean, is it really Rogier without emotional suppression?

Also Rogier tends to close off all the matters that relate to what he feels in his dialogue both in game and in SWRD. This guy cannot let out just a slight moment of vulnerability

A Color Theory Thing on my read on Rogier's garb:

Rogier, with his background being grounded in nobility has suppressed his baser desires in exchange for meaningless political schemes that have only brought him misery. Yet after coming to these lands, he finds himself with Lorens.

He wears a Raya Lucarian Robe and it has red on it. It's a sign of baser instincts being shown for once. He has grown an infatuation with Lorens despite being his student.

Yet, Rogier is still mostly blue, and he still suppresses that baser desire that he’s developed, that infatuation for Lorens. He never once builds up the courage to be able to tell Lorens what he feels. He would always bury those feelings down, and as a result he can't let go of it. It's far too deep to be buried back up.

But once Lorens has died, Rogier changes too.

He exchanges those garbs for yellow and turquoise (I think?). He's a mix of colors and beliefs.

He still has the blue in the turquoise, which symbolizes calm, intelligence, and emotional control (you can’t spell Rogier without emotional control) But turquoise isn't just blue, it also has green.

Green represents growth, life, and new beginnings. This is a new beginning for Rogier, who's set out for a new goal, to be able to save those who live in death (and perhaps give them life? Not so sure on that but in SWRD that seems to be the case with Lorens).

It's balanced by yellow. Creativity and originality, he's almost the only person we meet who wants to save TWLID. Not only that but yellow also symbolizes illness, which could be a foreshadowing of what happens to him later in his life.

It's not just sickness though, yellow also symbolizes deception. Rogier lies, but I necessarily think he's someone who is always deceptive. He's more like the type of guy who would lie so that an encounter would go well or not hurt someone else's feelings. I think he's like that from that whole ex-nobility thing he's got going on. Political schemes and lying through a smile is something that he's familiar with. (It also doesn't help that he keeps being emotionally suppressed too lol)

Cowardice is another. Rogier is scared to tell anyone about his emotions, to take that risk of being honest with someone. His background in nobility and his family definitely doesn't help either.

Rogier had been too scared to be true to Lorens and tell him his feelings, and because of that, he would never be able to. I feel like he's avoided it even more afterward. He refuses to take that jump of being honest with someone, whether it's about his emotions or his ideals, he doesn't let them go.

But when he does? With D, it completely breaks off everything they've had. Everything that they could have been.

"Beguiled fool. A rotten, sick bastard. Fouled by them. A wicked, two-faced user. Heartless. Loathsome parasite. How could he? Were they not supposed to set this crooked world straight? Profane. A perversion of honor. A madman." -Chapter 5

“Get out of my sight.” “I’m sorry.” He’d said, and he was. But Darian’s lips curled back, and he jerked his head away and locked his eyes on the horizon. His jaw twitched, in the moment he took to reply. “Don’t talk to me.” There was nothing he could do to fix this. To undo his mistakes, to spare Darian his intentions." -Chapter 5

It's all gone because he had been honest about his goals (presumably). This experience probably strengthened that emotional suppression so as to not be hurt/caught by surprise.

So when Magdalene, someone who wholeheartedly accepts his ideals and sees his side for once, he's cautious. He can't believe that someone can genuinely agree with him because all the times that he has been honest, he's been punished for it. (though, he reminds himself that she's not like that)

In short, this guy's a mixed bag. A mixed bag with problems

(basing this off of the Elden Ring color theory video, it was an absolute joy to watch)

[EDIT]: Another thing I've noticed is that Rogier kind of views himself lowly (self-esteem issues ayyyy).

"He still doesn’t understand why. What did he do, specifically? Or was he just past his usefulness? Deemed unfit to rule? He never truly wanted to rule as Lord, but to be cast aside so indifferently—it had shaken him. Every now and then he fumbles with this, again and again, but he knows. He does. He knows that grace has forsaken him for good reason. He’s a heretic. An apostate. He who does not obediently bow before a faltering, decrepit Order, so ill-equipped to handle the world as it is. " -Chapter 5

"All these years. Couldn’t change a thing. Rather pathetic, I’d say—what a fool, thinking that this crooked world could be made right by mortal hands. Sure, deathblight. Truly, a fitting end for a worthless, rotten bastard." -Chapter 12

Now, speaking from some personal experience, being raised in a family that's of nobility and expects so much out of you from a young age definitely breeds some kind of self-worth issues that really stick with you. Especially if you haven't had anyone to truly support you.

Because of that, I believe that Rogier, in a way, is trying to prove his worth. But not to the Order, I think that he's in some way trying to please Lorens. Even in death.

He puts everything into his studies of Death, searching and scouring for scraps of information just to give him a single lead on anything, and for what?

"Its fulfillment will be a selfish act of altruism. These crooked lands will set right, by his hands, for a reward of nothing at all. But make no mistake: he needs another day. And another after that, and another after that. He needs his questions answered with questions, he needs his notes corrected in an unreadable hand, he needs to hear one more “Well—” followed by the most opaque, convoluted tangle of sentences ever constructed. There’s no reward he seeks, but the warm smile of cold gray eyes and a scoff about just what he’s wearing nowadays. " -Chapter 19

Rogier devotes himself to saving TWLID (saving Lorens, in reality), but it's not because it's all for selfless reasons, he seems to want things to go back to the way things used to be. Back at the Rise, with just him and Lorens once more.

I don't think Rogier ever accepted Lorens' death. He's determined to bring back Lorens, desperately trying to find a solution to bring him back no matter what.

Rogier is a man who refuses to grieve and is desperate for a solution for a dead man who's probably not even good for him. Get this man some therapy

This entire post's summary is just me going:

Anyway, that's all for my crazy rambles! I can't wait to see how SWRD will progress, and how everyone will intermingle and grow with one another (Rogier and Mags)!!!! :0)

Have some doodles + a WIP that I'll probably never finish as a treat for reading this! (Mag's torso was wayyy too long on the second one oops)

(bonus boggart because I love him)

#not gonna talk about d yet #I don't want to assume too much about him just yet #but d is really interesting and i absolutely love this take on him and his grief :0) (not that I've read any other d fics.)#Rogier is so damn complicated #like. he's got so many problems like. dude get a grip and get a therapist #mags reel him back in and send him to the therapy office while ur at it #sorry if u guys cant understand my insanity... it cannot be contained #or else ill explode into pink glitter and my blood splattered all across the room #hhhh maybe ill edit this later i have to do some stuff :(#oh also unlocal if u do see this no pressure at all!! I just needed a place to be able to go crazy over ur fic lol #theres like. probably a lot I've missed but I'll make another one if I get insane again #some of this is probably incorrect and is just me reaching for an answer that doesnt exist btw #swrd #rogier #magdalene #envelope rambles #i wrote this in like. two sittings #what is happenign to me #I STILL RAMBLE IN TAGS YOU CANNOT STOP ME #the mortifying ordeal of posting #AAAA #uou guys i keep noticing things and. i just keep on fuckign ADDING MORE THINGS IN #[EDIT]: Added in rogier's self esteem into this too :3

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rays-of-fire-and-ice · 1 year

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As Months Go By, As Seasons Change - Part II

Rating: K+/Teen

Setting: through the 17 months between the end of the Fake Karakura Town arc and the beginning of the Lost Agent arc.

Synopsis: Momo resumes her duties as lieutenant, Shinji returns to a role he was forced out of long ago. Both of them are not who they used to be, and neither is the division they must work together to rebuild.

AN: I…I can’t believe it’s taken me this long. To @whipplefilter and anyone who has been waiting on this, I am so sorry!! For those not aware, this is part 2 of my fanfic As Months Go By, As Seasons Change, which you can read here. Some notes before we begin:

Although I recommend reading part 1 to know what’s happening here, in short: Hinamori and Shinji begin to work together to lead the Fifth Division after Aizen’s defeat. Hinamori is trying to come to terms with not knowing who Aizen really was and with working for a new captain, while Shinji is working on building trust in the division and feels responsible for what happened to the division after Aizen took over and betrayed them all. Both are starting to get along, but they’ve still got a ways to go.

A denreishinki is the phone device Shinigami use, and it works both in the Soul Society and when calling from the World of the Living.

There’s a few hints of hitsuhina here, but please feel free to read the interactions as platonic if you want. Also, I don’t go into detail here about how Hitsugaya and Hinamori reconcile. If you’re interested in how I can it’d happen, check out this headcanon post and scroll down to the section where I discuss it. I changed a few details for the sake of this fic, but otherwise it’s basically the same.

The music record Hinamori likes is by Ryo Fukui can be listened to here. The track I imagine she’s listening to in the scene is ‘It Could Happen to You’.

The first recruitment brochure Shinji sees is this one (sorry for the picture quality). The responses on the brochure can be found in the BLEACH Color + databook.

Neirkiri is a type of wagashi, a Japanese sweet/confectionary. I was inspired by the winter collection of this wagashi set here. They're apparently very hard to decorate and even make in some cases, but with Hinamori being as good at baking as she is, I think she'd like the challenge of it and try her hand at making some.

If you want some background music while reading, then I recommend the usuals (basically any somber or calming BLEACH ost track, all of which you can now find on either Spotify or here at Shiro Sagisu's offical youtube...for those who don't know which songs I usually refer to: Recollection I-III, Nothing Can be Explained, World #05, going home, compassion, etc) but also Stronger (Acoustic version) by Through Fire and the entire Losing Today EP by The Living Sleep.

There were quite a few deleted scenes from this fic. However, one did make it as a fic of it's own: For All That Was Lost. It serves as an epilogue for this fic, so check it out if have time.

For anyone who was waiting for this part, thank you so much for your patience! Thank you also for all the kind comments and encouragement from the first part, it really means a lot and motivated me to get this last part done. I hope you enjoy this part as much as the first! :D

____________________________________

The quiet of the office is interrupted by the ringing of Shinji’s denreishinki.

Hinamori bites the inside of her cheek, trying to focus on writing up a report for the latest mission in the Rukongai. It’s the second time it’s rung since her captain went to go get lunch for the both of them – his treat, he’d insisted, but she already made a mental note to shout for him next time. The tune is not the standard beeping most devices have. Somehow, Shinji had gotten a tone she can only describe as ‘jazzy’.

She’s half tempted to answer it, if only to stop the ringing and let the caller know Shinji will be back soon.

What she finds strange though is that Shinji may have warned her a situation like this might happen. Three months ago, when during their first week working together, he gave her permission to answer it if it rang three times and he wasn’t there to answer it. He told her chances are the calls would be from his Visored friends in the World of the Living.

Had he known something like this would happen? How often did he speak with these people?

Eventually the ringing stops, and Hinamori relaxes. However, it’s not even a minute later when it starts up again. Whoever is calling must urgently need her captain, but it feels rude to answer another’s denreishinki, even if she was given permission to do so.

Her hesitation keeps her rooted to the spot for five rings, but it becomes too much. She forces herself to stand and rush over to her captain’s desk. Before she can think twice, she answers the device. “Hello, this is Hi-”

“Who is this?!” a young woman’s voice shouts from the other end. Hinamori holds the denreishinkai from her ear as the woman continues to yell, “Why do you have Baldy’s phone?!”

Surely this can’t be one of his friends. “I, uh…this is Lieutenant Hinamori?”

There’s a few seconds of silence. “Has he got others answering his calls now cuz he’s too much of a coward to face me?!”

“Oh, no, he’s just gone to get lunch. I can pass on a message? W-Who am I speaking to?”

“I ain’t saying until I know Shinji is there. It’s an emergency and we need answers!”

“Hiyori, calm down. Who’re you talking to?” says a man in the background.

“Some lieutenant!” the woman says to the other. “I think she’s Shinji’s.” Then, back to Hinamori. “So he’s got a girl as his lieutenant, huh? Has he told you’re his ‘first love’ yet?”

Hinamori bristles. “H-His what?”

“Huh, guess he hasn’t then. If you really are his lieutenant, I don’t know how you put up with him. When you see him next, kick him in the back of the knees for me, will you? And tell him to – oi, give that back! Hey, Love!”

There’s a scuffle, but after a moment, the man’s voice comes over the phone. However, Hinamori can still hear Hiyori yelling and carrying on in the background. “Sorry about her,” the man says. “Who am I talking with?”

Hinamori swallows with a nervous smile. “This is Lieutenant Hinamori. Who am I speaking with?”

“Aikawa Love. We’re calling because we need to ask Hirako something, but doesn’t sound like he’s there.”

“Uh, no, I’m afraid not. I can let him know you called though.”

“Yeah, if you co – Oi, Yamada, Hachi! You were supposed to hold her back! Hiyori, stop clawing at my arm!”

Aikawa and Hiroyri argue on the other end, clearly fighting over the denreishikai. Hinamori attempts to say something but falters. To think one of them is Hiyori, the same person Shinji was livid had been cut down in the fight several months ago. These really must be his friends, but they seem so…dysfunctional. She feels bad for thinking that, but the arguing hasn’t stopped on the other end.

Just as she considers hanging up, Shinji slides the door open. “Sir…”

“What’s got you looking so freaked out?” Then he notices the denreishikai. “Who’s calling?”

“Aikawa-san and Hiyori-san.”

Shinji’s eyes widen at the mention of the last name. Without warning he drops the two bento boxes on to her desk and snatches the phone off of her.

“The heck did you say to her, Hiyori?!” he exclaims into the phone.

“Ha, I knew it!” she hears Hiyori yell back. “You were using your lieutenant to answer the phone!”

“I was not! I was getting lunch!” He pulls the device away from his ear and rushedly whispers to Hinamori, “Start eating without me, this’ll take a while.”

He gives a snark retort to Hiyori as he storms out of the office and into the courtyard. Without looking away, Hinamori takes one of the bento boxes, opens the lid, and starts eating. From her desk, she can make out pieces of their conversation – if she could call the gnashing of teeth, sarcastic remarks, and exasperated sighs a conversation. It sounds like Shinji hadn’t paid rent on the warehouse they were staying in before he left, but he insists he did and that they needed to talk to the owners. He insists not leaving that warehouse because it’s the best one they’ve ever had and that the owners never once came to see what they were actually using it for.

It's so strange to see him loud and argumentative, moving so fast and making wild gestures with his free hand. He’s usually so nonchalant, at most grinning or laughing when something amused him. These people though, his friends, they got a different side out of him.

Hinamori didn’t know what to make of the Visoreds when she’d been told about them by Nanao. The fact there existed beings out there with both Hollow and Shinigami abilities bewildered her, almost made her consider just how blurred the line can become from thinking on the implications of having such powers. She hasn’t asked her captain about the powers he isn’t allowed to use anymore and she doesn’t plan to, but she still can’t help but wonder what it’s like for him, Rose and Kensei, and for the others on the other end of the phone.

As the minutes tick by, Shinji mellows little by little. The frown disappears and his lips are twitching, wanting to smile despite the exasperated tone his voice holds. The conversation moves on to other things she doesn’t understand – Shounen Jump, cafes, magazines, humans. As he speaks he slowly walks around the garden and fans himself under the summer sun. Hinamori thinks to gesture for him to come under the shade, but she doesn’t want to interrupt. Eventually, he walks back and sits on the veranda steps, back turned to her.

Why did he come back?

It’s not the first time Hinamori has wondered, but this is different. Until now she’d thought about the question in relation to why he’d come back after being away from the job for so long, or why he’d come back to place that’d once banished him. Now, seeing him like this with the people he called friends, and hearing how he spoke about the World of living, obviously missing some aspects of it, she wonders what drew him back to being so far away from it.

Regardless, Hinamori gets the feeling this is the first of many times she will witness her captain be like this with these friends of his.

______________________

“Is that…a fan?”

Shinji halts. Half bent over, he peers over his shoulder at his puzzled lieutenant. “Yeah, figured it was getting too hot in here. I didn’t think you’d know what this is. Was hoping to give you a demonstration and ‘wow’ you.”

Hinamori shakes her head, trying to hold back a smile. “I already knew because Hisagi-san brought one back from the World of the Living a decade ago. This won’t cool down the whole room though.”

As if to emphasis her point, a gust of hot wind blows in from behind her. Autumn was only a few weeks away, but it seems summer wasn’t going to go without being the hottest Shinji had ever experience.

“Well, unless you can get someone with an ice-type zanpakuto in here, this’ll have to do,” Shinji says, only half meaning to sound affronted.

Something shifts in Hinamori’s expression, her eyes blinking in surprise. Did she think she’d actually insulted him?

Shinji presses the first button to make the fan move from side to side and the second one for the highest setting. He almost sighs in relief when the cold air smacks him in the face.

“As is, there will only be fifteen of us in here,” he says more neutral. “So, it should be fine, right?”

“Actually, Higuchi-san told me this morning he won’t be coming,” she says while sliding the door closed. “He got advice from Fourth Division to not do any advanced zanjutsu or kido training until they’re sure his sprained wrist is completely healed. Also, Isawa-san isn’t feeling well, he has a cold.”

“At this time of year?”

Hinamori shrugs as she hands him the training agenda. “I’ve had a few in summer myself.”

“Explains why I didn’t see him at the mess hall this morning. I’ll visit him later.” Shinji looks over the document. “We got everything ready?”

Hinamori gestures to the far end of the room, where the practice swords lay on the racks. “We only need those if I’m not mistaken.”

“Yeah. I guess we should do a run through before the others arrive.”

When Shinji hears the low inhale and exhale from her, he knows Hinamori is about to say something a lot of weight behind it.

“Before we do, sir, I’d like to make a request.”

He looks up, and resists the urge to raise a brow at her apprehensive expression. “What is it?”

“If possible, I’d like to request half a day’s leave this Friday.” Before he can speak, she quickly adds, “I promise I’ll complete all of my work by Friday morning and I won’t leave anything for you or Isawa-san to finish. However, it’s okay too if you’d prefer I don’t go on leave, I understand.”

Shinji snorts in bewilderment. “Well, this isn’t like you. You finally learning the importance of taking a break?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. You can go on leave, Isawa and I will handle things.”

She lets out a breath, her shoulders falling in relief as she bows her head. “Thank you, sir.”

“You could take more time if you wanted. You’ve been nonstop since you started again.”

“Oh, no! I couldn’t, and there’s no need as it is! I just need the half of day.”

“To do what? Going to visit your friends in the Junrinan? World of the Living?”

“No, none of those…” She stares down at her shadow, cast along the floorboards to her left. “I’ll be speaking with Captain Hitsugaya.”

His smile drops. He’d been wondering when this would happen.

He hadn’t missed the way she looked at Hitsugaya a few weeks ago at the joint captains and lieutenants meeting. Shinji had glanced back at her at one point, only to find her head turned in the direction of the Tenth Division captain. Her sadness and apprehension were apparent, as obvious as the melancholy she experienced whenever she says Aizen’s name. He’d looked away, but in his peripheral, he knew Hitsugaya was glancing at her too.

The way she walked out of that meeting, as if the wind had been knocked out of her, it almost made him order her to go talk to Hitsugaya. He didn’t, instead asking her what was wrong and receiving a vague answer. He hadn’t pressed further, seeing that this was probably territory he wasn’t equipped to deal with. There was something personal about it, something he felt only the her and Hitsugaya would know how to navigate through.

He lowers the training agenda documents to his side and asks, “I take you’ll be meeting up with him then?”

“We agreed to meet at Tenth Division’s main barracks. It shouldn’t take long.”

He almost clicks his tongue, but instead shakes his head. “Take the whole day off.”

Hinamori's mouth falls open. “There’s really no need-”

“For something like that, you’ll need the whole day. Isawa and I have things covered.” When she’s about to argue back, he leans forward and uses the training agenda to point at her. “Don’t make me order you.”

That stops her in her tracks. She blinks once, and her surprise dissipates to an incredulous smile and snort. “You’d order me to take more leave, sir?”

“If I have to, yes.”

“But that’s…that’s so silly.”

“It ain’t if my officers aren’t taking the leave they need. For something like, you’ll need it. Trust me.”

Her small mirth fades, as if remembering why exactly she was taking leave in the first place. The fan arcs back, blowing cold air over them, but neither moves or says anything.

Again, he feels he’s treading into something he knows very little about, but he decides to put the final nail in the coffin. “How long has it been since you two last talked? A while I bet. You’ll have a lot to catch up on then, yeah? Not just about what happened back then, but other stuff. Stuff you always talk about when you see each other.”

For a brief moment he thinks back on his few phone conversations with Visoreds in the World of the Living. He’s certain he’ll get used to communicating with them like that, but a part of him misses not seeing them in person.

She sighs through her nose. “I suppose. Even before the fight against Captain Aizen, it’s been so long since I last spoke with Hitsuga – I mean, Captain Hitsugaya.”

“Well, if that doesn’t tell you you need the whole day off, I don’t know what will.” He continues, with a lighter lit, “Clearly you’ve been working too much that all though think about is getting back to work.”

Her lips tilts in a tiny smile, and she bows her head. “Then, thank you, Captain.”

____________________

After she shuts the door behind herself, Hinamori lets out the breath she’s been holding in.

Her heart flutters, her eyes sting, and the jitters are starting to calm down, but none of it dampens her relieved smile.

It was a moment in the making, something she simply couldn’t avoid for the rest of her life even if she wanted to. Regardless, she’d been so afraid of how she would approach it all. Hyourinmaru makes her apprehensive still, and to feel that way about a part of her childhood friend is enough to break her heart a little. His zanpakuto is more than just a weapon to him, but that is all she can see it as for the time being.

She’d never seen such expressions on Hitsugaya, his face transforming from guilt to sorrow to unfiltered relief. She’d told herself she wouldn’t cry, but it happened not even five minutes within meeting him.

It had started with apologies and tears, then long pauses and uncertainty. It wasn’t until she brought up her recent visit to the Junrinan that things started to calm, and it was almost like falling back into their old rhythms. Of course, it wasn’t exactly like before, and perhaps it never will be again. That thought doesn’t sadden her, for she already had hope from reconnecting with him today.

What had partly inspired her to finally take the plunge, she realises, was Shinji’s conversations with his friends. Seeing him speak freely with those he hadn’t seen in months, people he had lived and struggled with for decades, it made her think of her own friendships. It made her remember what it used to be like for her and Hitsugaya.

The memories of that day on the battlefield won’t leave her, but their power over her has diminished.

It’s been a long day, and despite her mirth, exhaustion weighs heavily behind her eyes and limbs. She considers whether she should have a nap or get dinner. As she does, her curtains flutter in the gentle breeze. She’d been so anxious this morning she’d forgotten to shut her window.

She closes it, and as she turns back to her room, her gaze lands on her bookshelf.

The warmth in her is cools when she spots a book Aizen gifted her decades ago. It occupies its own space at the top. She’d put it there to get it far out of sight as possible, but to also not forget it was there entirely, for the day she’ll get rid of it.

She prays that one day she’ll have the strength to burn it to ashes.

____________________________________

“Sir?”

“Hm?”

“May I ask you a question?”

Hinamori watches her captain step down the ladder with a tome. He hands it to her before going back up.

“You don’t have to say that before you ask me something,” he says, nonchalant.

She’s aware, but it still feels wrong to just ask personal questions without a lead up. She takes the second tome he passes down to her and shuffles to the side, allowing him to move the ladder further down the bookcase.

“When will you be going to the World of the Living next?” she asks.

Shinji freezes. He's deciding whether to take her question seriously or making a joke out of it. It doesn’t take him long to choose.

“Trying to get rid me already?!” he chuckles.

“Of course not, sir!”

“Oh suuuuure. Bet Matsumoto-san has a party planned and you volunteered to use the barracks’ hall, didn’t ya? I know her birthday's coming up, she strikes me as someone who holds big drinking parties to celebrate.”

Why does he have to escalate things like that? Her indignation must show because his chuckling turns to laughter.

He waves a placating hand. “All right, all right, in all seriousness. I don’t plan to go for a while. Did you want me to get you something while I was there? I can just ask Urahara to convert something and send it over if you want.”

Huffing out a breath, Momo continues, “I only asked because it occurred to me that you, um…haven’t seen your friends in a while.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, a slight tightness coming around her heart. “We used to encourage our subordinates to see their friends outside the division when possible. Captain Aizen said it was good to socialise outside of the groups we know.” Then, quieter. “In hindsight, maybe that was… something else he, um….”

With his back to her, she can’t gauge her captain's reaction. His fingers continue to slid along the spines of books and tomes, only stopping when finds one they’ll need.

“It might’ve been a tactic, but regardless, it’s good advice.”

She’s too bewildered to respond, and only snaps out of her stupor when Shinji waves a book in front of her face. She wanted to say the same, but feared doing so would somehow align her with Aizen.

As he climbs down, Shinji says with a smile, “It went that well with Hitsugaya, huh?”

At times like this he surprises her with his perceptiveness, so much so she forgets to correct him on her childhood friend’s title. “What makes you say that?”

He shrugs. “You saw him yesterday, right? So, judging from that question and that you’re not moping about, I’m guessing it went well. You don’t have to talk about it, though. It’s your business.”

She smiles softly with a nod. “It did go well. I’m glad I spoke with him.” She casts her eyes back to Shinji. “I suppose it’s made me reflect on connecting with those you haven’t seen in a long time, especially when you’ve known them for so long.”

Taking the hint, Shinji’s face falls into one of contemplation. Hinamori only has under a minute to take it in, because then he resumes his usual grin. “I get your point. Once we wrap things up for the new wave of recruitment, I’ll think about visiting the World of the Living.”

“…I’m glad, then.”

He steps down and then off the ladder. “Actually, speaking of, the first lot of graduates for the year are due soon, right?”

“Yes, in three months I think.”

“Right, we should get on to promotion. Lets work on it next week, yeah?”

___________________________________________

Shinji frowns at the clock on his desk. Taking her sweet time getting here.

He wouldn’t mind normally, but this is Hinamori; in the six months he’s worked with her, she has never been late. At worst, maybe she’s a few minutes behind, usually rushing in and apologising for ‘being late’. Now it’d been almost thirty minutes since they were meant to start work on the recruitment brochure.

Another minute passes before he’s had enough. He walks briskly out of the office and to the archive storage room. He’d asked her last week while arranging this task to get relevant documents and older brochures so he could get a better idea of how they were done these days.

She isn’t in the archives, but his eighth seat, Katsuro Hoshino, is.

“Yo, you seen Hinamori around?” Shinji asks him.

“No, sir,” Hoshino says, closing the tome he holds. “I just came in, but I do sense traces of her reiatsu here.”

“She probably left a few minutes before you came then.” He goes to leave, but the tome his subordinate holds catches his attention. “What’re looking at that old thing for?”

“Oh, ever since the Lieutenant did that demonstration a few months ago, I’ve been looking to improve my bakudo spells.”

Coming from you, this isn’t a surprise at all. Hoshino is always looking to improve himself, always asking for feedback on his performance in training or after a mission. If he ever messed up, he insists on correcting his mistake. If he ever got praised for something, he’d ask how he could make it better Sometimes it’s too intense for Shinji’s liking; it reminds him of the officers from Second or First Division, always perfectionists with ambitious goals or too strict of a code.

But then, he did come from one of the lower districts, and the captain found one of the main types of officers to come from there were like Hoshino: ambitious, always looking to reach higher, always looking to provide for anyone they had back in the Rukongai, and generally sympathetic to those who came from the lower districts. He needs people like Hoshino, to understand those from the districts he was never in.

“What about the manual in our library?” Shinji asks.

“All copies are on loan, sir.” Hoshino hoists up the tome with a smirk. “It may look old and doesn’t include certain spells or have the depth of the more current edition, but it’s still helpful. We kept it around for a reason, right?”

“…Sounds like she inspired some of you.” And judging from the way they spoke of her before, it’s not the first time that’s happened. Shinji turns to go. “I’ve gotta find her. I’ll see you around.”

Out of the archives room, he puts out his senses for her. It takes a moment, but he detects her reiatsu coming from the back of the division, near the training grounds. The heck is she doing there? But what’s more concerning, what makes him start jogging in her direction, is the way her reiatsu flickers, like a flame caught in a gust of wind.

It’s not a minute later when he finds her leaning on the veranda railing, her back turned to him and her head bowed. She hasn’t noticed him, doesn’t even flinch when an orange autumn leaf flutters down from the maple tree and brushes past her arm. It lands at Shinji’s feet, joining the others on the floorboards.

It takes a lot to make Shinji concerned or worried, but something about the way she holds herself, the way her reiatsu flickers, and the fact she was here instead of closer to the office has him on edge. Rather than say anything, he watches her carefully as he steps outside and shuts the door behind himself, loud enough for her to hear.

Hinamori startles and twistsaround, eyes wide and face pale. “Oh, Captain…”

He frowns at the papers in her hands and slowly approaches. “What’re you doing here?”

“I was…” She bows her head in shame. “I got distracted.”

“I can see that. What by?” he asks, trying to keep his voice neutral.

She holds out the papers to him without raising her head. He waits several seconds for an explanation that never comes before he takes the documents. At seeing a familiar face on one of the old brochures, his frown deepens. He shuffles through them, and almost all of them have Aizen on their covers, and her name is credited at the bottom of each as the artist. If it weren’t for the subject matter, he’d compliment her again on her drawing skills. “Ah, I get it now.”

In his peripheral, she lifts her head, eyes still wide. “I’m so sorry! I got caught up in….” She straightens, trying to put on a brave face. “Come on, let’s get back to the office, you can look at those and get started on the brochures.”

He tucks the documents into his sleeve and steps in her way and holds hands up. “Hey, take it easy. We gotta get back to work, sure, but nothing wrong with taking a breather. Besides, I just finished that paper stack you left me and I could use a break.” For emphasis, he rubs the back of his neck. “Feeling a little tense, you know?”

The urgency leaves her, but in its place is guilt. He withholds a sigh, and instead jerks his chin at the barracks over his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go grab a tea.”

A few minutes later they’re in the kitchens, with Shinji pouring boiled water into a teapot. Normally Hinamori makes this – she brews some of the best teas Shinji has ever tasted, had the whole thing down like an art form as far she he’s concerned. However, at her slackened shoulders and tired expression, he’d gone to the cabinet and pulled out the canister of tea leaves without a second thought.

She watches him now from the island counter, sitting on one of the stools they’d purchased a few weeks ago. Aside from the teapot, it’s one of the few ‘modern’ looking things in the division. It’d taken some convincing, but he brought her around on the idea of some new furniture. She’d even mentioned thinking about getting a couch for the office just two days ago while glancing through one of his magazines.

“Wanna go back to the office or somewhere else?” he asks while tossing the leaves into the infuser.

She fiddles with her hands for a beat. “Can we stay here?”

Well, most of the division is out, I guess. Just for assurance, he slides the kitchen door shut. “Sure.”

When the tea is brewed, he brings the teapot over and pours it into two cups. As he comes to sit on the stool next to her, he hands her one. She smiles at him while wrapping her fingers around the clay sides. “Thank you, Captain.”

She blows over the rim, dispelling the steam, and takes a tentative sip. At her small nod, he knows the tea good enough.

“So, wanna tell me what happened out there?” he broaches.

Whatever small comfort the tea had given her flows out. She stares down into her cup, the ends of the steam brushing over her face and the shadows under her eyes growing darker without the light on them.

Shinji considers himself a patient man – with a few blonde-haired, red tracksuit-wearing exceptions – and knows despite his own concerns, there are just times he shouldn’t step into something someone isn’t ready to share yet. “Look, if you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s fine. Just don’t let it stew in you, yeah? Keeping that stuff in can mess you up, so whether it’s me or someone else, don’t let it build up.”

“I’m sorry, Captain.”

“Don’t apologise.”

She hesitates. “It’s not my place to question your decisions, but…”

“Isn’t it, though? If a lieutenant can’t question their captain’s decision and choices, what kind of division is that? There’s a reason why they put two of us in charge, and it ain’t just because if one of us gets sick the other has to take over.”

The corners of her lips twitch up into a ghost of a smile for too brief of a moment. “Well, then, if I may ask…why did you reappointment me as lieutenant?”

He thought she’d ask sooner, but now that she has, he changes his approach at answering her question. “Well, why did you decide to come back in the first place? What made you decide to become a Shinigami?” he asks instead.

She gives him a puzzled frown, but when he says nothing else, she answers, “I couldn't leave my position behind. I feel responsible for everyone in our division. I wanted to make sure they were all right, and to try and help them through everything that happened.

"As for your second questions...I came here from the World of the Living, and while I no longer remember anything from my time there, I do remember a Shinigami sending me here. I don’t remember his face or voice, but he was kind. He assured me when I was scared that I would be okay, that I’d be going to somewhere safe and live another life.

“I wanted to help other Souls the same way, but also…” She clenches and unclenches her hold on the cup. “I think I always knew there was something in me. I didn’t know it was spirit potential at the time, but I could feel something burning in my veins. I needed to find a way to channel it, and I had a feeling the Academy could help me with it.”

It was just as Shinji had suspected; he almost felt like patting himself on the back for guessing it correctly. “And there you have your answer.”

She blinks at him. “I don’t see how.”

He smiles sincerely. “Truth is, it doesn’t matter too much why I kept you on. What matters is you didn’t forget why you wanted to stay on as a Lieutenant or became a Shinigami in the first place, and the reasons you gave are enough on their own.”

“That sounds…awfully sentimental for you, sir.”

“That’s because it is, but it’s the right answer. My previous captain taught me that when I asked him why he promoted me to third seat.” He gives his usual grin. “Needless to say, I wasn’t an idiot and didn’t question him again when he promoted me to lieutenant a few years later.”

At her deepening frown, he wonders if he went about this the right way. He sighs through his nose. “You asked me because you’re doubtful about your position. Am I wrong?”

He takes a sip of tea, and she eyes the sleeve where he’d stashed the brochures. She purses her lips and takes in a breath, making her shoulders rise.

“I thought if I just looked at him, maybe I could move on. It didn’t work, all it did was bring back memories I don’t want to remember.” It came out of her in a rushed confession and Shinji froze midway through it, leaving his cup a few inches from the counter.

Something in her crumbles, but she doesn’t hunch over into herself or turn away from him. She swallows before continuing. “When you asked me to go get the brochures, I thought I could handle it. I don’t know why, but I never realised how often I drew Captain Aizen on the covers. When I saw his face over and over again, it made me not want to be here.” She shakes her head. “I almost ran away, but I stopped myself. I can’t run from this, but even so…I’m still not strong enough to be a lieutenant or…” She trails off, at a loss for words, then takes a long sip of her tea.

It’s a risk, but Shinji puts his cup down and brings out the brochures, laying the pile on the counter but not spreading them out. The one on top is of a smiling Aizen, wearing those blocker glasses and with a branch of Sakura behind him.

“You chose to not run after seeing these, and you should give yourself credit for that. You could’ve chucked them, or burned them.”

"B-But they’re official documents, I couldn’t.”

Shinji snorts. “A shame, but I’m thinking Central Forty Fix wouldn’t take you to task if they found out who’s face is on these.” He let’s out a bitter sigh. “I would’ve, if nothing else to get rid of the blocker glasses. They always pissed me off, especially when I found out he never needed them in the first place--"

“How do you do it?” The question practically burst out of her, and it catches Shinji off guard. He blinks at her almost horrified expression; he's not sure he’s ever seen her so stricken.

“How do I do what?” he eventually asks.

“You…You talk about him and say his name without…”

“Time.”

“Huh?”

He slides the top brochure, revealing the second one beneath. Aizen stands in profile on a veranda, head tilted back and smiling at something in the sky; behind him, in Hinamori’s neat writing, it says ‘Come join Fifth Division’. The way she drew him made that smile look so genuine, but he can imagine it was the same one he’d given everyone over a hundred years ago; it never quite reached his eyes, and perhaps she’d also seen it but drew it as though it did.

Shinji finds himself remembering moments with Aizen he’d pushed away for years. The good and the bad. He imagined his lieutenant is experiencing the same as she taps a finger on the corner of a brochure from four years ago.

“It takes time,” Shinji elaborates, listing his head to one side. “I had a hundred years to think about what happened. I don’t hate him any less, but it gets easier with time to think about what happened and to talk about him.” He narrows his eyes. “You know what he did back then, right? To me and the others?”

She nods, somewhat apologetically. “Kira-kun and Ise-san told me.”

“Right. There’s one thing they wouldn’t have told you though. I knew from the start something wasn’t right about him. I could never put my finger on it, but I just knew there was something creepy about him. I thought keeping an eye on him would stop him from doing something. When he revealed himself to be behind the attack, he showed I’d been the fool this entire time. I played right into the bastard’s hands, had been this whole time.”

“H-How so?”

He gulps down his tea, his mouth suddenly drier. Even after all these years, for all his talk of ‘it takes time’, he’s nervous to bring up that night with her. What’s he so anxious about? “I thought I chose him, but as it turns out, he chose me. I was the perfect candidate to keep up his façade, because he knew my suspicion would only blind me to the true him.”

Tears rim in Hinamori's eyes. It hits close to home, and he can understand why. Aizen had used his suspicion against him, and he’d used her admiration against her. Like with Shinji, he’d chosen her, but made her think her admiration led her to him. He took whatever emotion he strongly resonated within others and used to it to hide his intentions and true self from them.

The silence between them stretches out for another minute before she speaks up, voice quiet. “I’m sorry you went through that.”

He shakes his head. “Not your fault. It’s no use comparing suffering, but even so, what you went through I imagine was worse.” He taps the brochures. “The way you drew him, it shows what you thought of him. I bet that bothers you too, huh?”

For a moment, her lips draw into a tight line while she thinks of what to say next. “Sir, forgive me, but…why are you telling me all of this?”

Because he wants her to know she isn’t alone, that what Aizen had done to her had been done to him too. Also, on some pathetic level, he wants to own up for his costly mistake and apologise to her indirectly. He’ll be dying before he ever admits the latter though.

"Did I say too much?" he says. "Sorry, probably made ya feel uncomfortable."

"Uh, no, it's not that!" Hinamori quickly reassures. "It just seems like so much to share is all. If it were me, I know I wouldn't be able to."

"It kinda the reason why I did." He gestures to himself with his cup. “It was so you get an idea of what’s ahead. It’ll take a long time for you to deal with all this. Based on experiences, there will come a day when wake up and go about your businesses, and you realise you haven’t truly thought about him or what happened. You’ll think about it there and then, sure, and there will be days where it has you by the guts. It’s just a matter of remembering that those days come and go, like any other.”

He pours himself another cup of tea as she sighs quietly.

“Out of everyone, you’re the only who talks about him to me,” she says.

“I figured it’s good to talk about him, the good and the bad. Well, it’s all bad, let’s face it, but…he had his moments, every now and then, whether I liked it or not.”

Hinamori thought the same, he can tell – like her expression when he agreed that seeing friends outside of the division was good advice.

He raises the refilled cup to his lips. “Unfortunately, that can make it harder, but if you accepted it as ‘it was what it was’, that gets easier too.”

Somehow, Hinamori’s shoulder fall even further when she sighs. “I wish I was older.”

The sombreness prevents him from cracking a smile at that. “What’d mean by that? Most people your age wanna stay young forever.”

“It’s not like that.” Her fingers trails away from her cup and rest on the edge of the counter. “There’s nothing great about being young, because you don’t know how to handle things like this properly. I feel like everyone in the division is moving on. They even pulled up the ayame, the calligraphy he did isn’t on the walls anymore, and barely anyone but you says his name around me. It’s like he never existed, and maybe…maybe that’s how it should be. It feels like the right thing to do…and somehow, also the wrong thing. He existed here, and I hate…I hate that I still remember good things about him. It’s been so long since…since I didn’t feel like this. I wish it was…”

He frowns; something about her words struck a deep cord within him. “Wishing ain’t gonna solve your problems, dummy! You think you got out of that Fourth Division bed from wishing? You think I kept you on as a lieutenant because you could wish things in and out of existence? You gotta face it every day, head on, all the memories you have him, whether they’re good or bad. Those feelings and thoughts will be there when you wake and still there when you go to sleep, but you don’t let it keep you lying there doing nothing. Yeah, maybe getting rid of things around here helps some, but everyone’s got their own way of dealing with this shit, right?”

He softens a little when he realises she taken aback. “It’s okay to take a breather, though. You don’t have to force yourself so hard into getting over it. You’re figuring out how to deal with this shit, but you don’t let it get to you, I’ve seen it. You get up everyday, work your ass off, and look out for everyone. Give yourself some credit.”

He has the sudden urge to busy himself, and he does so by flipping over the top brochure and reading the back of it. His brows furrow deeper at the responses Hinamori had provided to the four questions. Shit. He’s quick to flick it aside and flip over the next brochure. She answered for this one too, but the responses were more positive. He doesn't bother to read Aizen's answers.

“I understand.”

He turns his attention back at her. Her eyes are still rimmed with tears, but there’s also a new, hard clarity in them. It reminds him of their first week when she’d affirmed that a division would need change but it couldn’t be done all at once. Her determination is fierce, but now it doesn’t come from a place of wanting to do right by her division. Right now, it’s come from having overcome something inside and wanting to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

“I should be more present, is what you’re saying,” she clarifies. “I don’t get to be being an adult who can deal with things like this by wishing in the present. To become that person, I need to do something in the here and now. I become that person by facing everything head on, not by retreating or wishing for it.”

His grin reflects his pride – at this rate he’s going to start acting like one of those proud fathers he used to cringe at. “Well, look at you being all wise. By the time you get older, you’ll be wiser than the Head Captain!”

She gives an incredulous snort. “That’s too much, sir!”

“I don’t know, you’re on the right track to being that way.” He tips his chin upward. “Though I probably shouldn’t say too much, it’ll go to your head. How about we make it that I said all of that just now? I’ll give you credit as my inspiration, and this way you don’t have to feel all shy about it!”

She’s laughs, almost doubles over, as tears streams down her reddening cheeks. He finds himself chuckling along with her. It’s the longest she’s laughed around him, and there’s something freeing about it. Perhaps it’s to comfort herself, to release the stress this entire situation had brought about.

After their laughter died down, and she has regained her breath, her smile becomes shaky. “It seems easier said than done.”

“Well, no one ever said it was easy, and if they did, they’re an idiot. You’re on track, just remember that.”

“Thank you, sir,” she says after a pause.

They both take a sip of tea, sitting in silence. At some point they’re both looking at the brochures. Shinji only leaves the first ten out, deciding the rest weren’t needed. They stare at the covers, all but one with the man who had brought them down. Yet, Shinji thinks, he also ended up uniting them them.

The good and the bad, Shinji thinks, allowing a bitter smile. He hates the irony of it.

The only one to not feature Aizen is of a shrub of suzuran. It takes up move of the page, expect for a space where Hinamori had written ‘We look forward to meeting you! Let’s work hard for Fifth Division!’

For some reason, the question his captain once asked him comes to mind, and Shinji’s smile softens. Say, Hirako-kun, why did you become a Shinigami?

____________________________________

Shinji hitches his scarf higher up, but it does little to brace him for the cold outside. Stepping out of the First Division, a gust blows through the courtyard, dusting the bridge in front with thin patches of snow that had gathered on the railing.

Around him, the captains all have different reactions to the cold, most showing their dislike for it by either huddling into themselves or commenting on it. However, there’s a few who barely flinch, and one of them is walking on the bridge like it’s just another sunny day. He’s also the one Shinji needs to talk to.

“Yo, Captain Hitsugaya!”

Said captain stops and looks over his shoulder at Shinji as the other captains move past him. “Hirako.”

Shinji slows his walk and waits for the other captains to be out of earshot. “Huh, still not referring to me by my title,” he teases. “Have some respect for your elders, will ya?”

“Most ‘elders’ act their age,” he retorts, but there isn’t much bite behind it. “Besides, you’ve told the others to not refer to you by your title.”

Despite his grin, Shinji frowns in annoyance. “I still can’t figure out how you and Hiyori weren’t two peas in a pod.”

Hitsugaya only snorts derisively in response while looking off to the side and folding his arms into his sleeves. With the snow falling on either side of the bridge and the white that already covers the courtyard below, he looks very much like he belongs in the landscape as an icy figure in the middle of it all.

With all the other captains gone, closes the gap between him and the younger captain as he digs his hand into his sleeve. “I won’t keep you long. Just had to fulfill a request.”

Hitsugaya turns back, eyebrow rising. “Request?”

“You have a birthday tomorrow, and I only know that because…” Shinji pulls out a small box, tied closed by a blue-ribbon bow. “…Hinamori told me.”

Hitsugaya switches his bewildered gaze from the box to Shinji and then back again.

“Hey, don’t get your hopes up, this ain’t from me,” Shinji snarks. He holds it out to him. “She wanted me to pass this on to you, seeing as she’ll be too busy to come by and visit.”

Hitsugaya is slow to take his gift, but Shinji gets the impression it isn’t because he’s surprised. He tries to make it look business-like, but there’s a slight reverence to the way he takes hold of the side held out to him, and the way his eyes are glued to it, following it until he draws it right in front of himself and holds it in both hands, it’s as if it’s the only thing that mattered right now.

Shinji expected Hitsugaya to just thank him and head off to his division. Instead, he deftly undoes the ribbon, letting the ends hang over the sides of one hand while he pulls the lid off.

For a few seconds, the furrow in his brow disappears and his lips part. Save for a few glares, Shinji’s never seen any expression other than a stoic, determined frown on the boy’s face before, but he’s isn’t sure what he’s more surprised by: the subtle softness that settles in the younger captain’s eyes or the strange jolt of relief he feels. Where did the latter come from? And what exactly was he relieved about?

He sets the thought aside for later and watches as Hitsugaya plucks out one of the treats from the box; a nerikiri with snowflake decorations on it.

“She made them this morning,” Shinji explains. “She was actually pretty torn up about not getting to see you on your birthday, but she’s got a long meeting today, then tomorrow she’s organising some missions and then we’re wrapping up some admin things.”

“It’s fine,” Hitsugaya says under his breath. He puts the sweet back with the others and closes the box. “Birthdays aren’t a big deal anyway.”

“Well, they are for her, so you better thank her next time you see her.”

The look Hitsugaya gives him says, Obviously I will.

Shinji can’t help it though, and he raises his hands defensively while teasing, “Hey, don’t freeze me, I’m just the courier.”

Hitsugaya sustains his glare for a moment longer, but then mellows, his usual frown returning while he stashes his gift away in his shihakusho. “In that case, tell her I’ll thank her when I see her next.”

“Like when you have one of your lunches planned?”

The younger captain’s eyes widen at that.

“She told me about your plans together. I always keep telling her to take all the time she wants but she insists on getting back in time to finish her work. I think it’s nice you two still catch up every now and then.” Shinji starts to leave, raising his hand in a casual wave. “Well, my work here is done. I’ll pass on your message.”

He only gets a few steps away before the younger captain speaks up. “Oi, Hirako.” He stops, and after a beat, Hitsugaya shuffles a step towards him. “Hinamori mentioned last time that you were thinking about a joint training session with my division.”

That makes Shinji twist back around. “It was just an idea. I noticed in the records our divisions haven’t done any joint training in a while. Thought it might be good for both of our subordinates to become reacquainted with each other.” His grin widens. “Who knows? Maybe you and your men can learn a thing or two from Hinamori about kido, and we’d learn something from you and Lieutenant Matsumoto.”

Hitsugaya nods to himself.

“Is that a yes then?” Shinji asks.

“I’ll ask Matsumoto what she thinks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she agrees to it. We can discuss it further next month.”

“All right, I’ll hold you to it.” At the fresh breeze that blows through, Shinji crosses his arms and asks, “Hey, in the coming days, reckon you could shift this weather away? Make a little warmer maybe?”

Shinji knows the urge to resist an eyeroll when he sees it – Hiyori and the others had done it enough times. He’ll take it over the piercing stares the younger captain used to fix him with during the first month back as a captain.

“No,” is all Hitsugaya says.

Shinji shrugs in defeat. “Ah, well, I tried.” He spins on his heel and continues his exit. “See you around, and don’t be a stranger to the division.”

He can feel Hitsugaya’s gaze on him for the entire length of the bridge, but unlike his first month, he can sense it’s not out of suspicion.

He’s almost halfway back to his division when he thinks back on the relief he felt, but now he has an answer.

We grew up in the same district and have been friends since. He always works hard, and he picks up new skills really quickly. He can be a bit mean too, but really, he’s kind. It took me a while to realise, but he looked out for me during the Ryoka invasion. That’s what has always stood out about him though…He looks out for everyone, even when no one sees it.

Shinji had to admit, after interacting with the younger captain the first few times, he’d thought Hinamori’s view as being too biased. She saw the good in others, and perhaps it affected how she recalled certain memories about them. He hadn’t told her about how her friend had damn near interrogated him, asking probing questions about his Hollow powers and his intentions for the Fifth Division. He’d initially concluded that yes, the kid was a genius, but he was also a brat.

But then he thought about what had happened in the battlefield more, and then learned more about the captain through Rangiku.

He may have grown up in the Junrinan, but that boy would’ve gone through hell. With hair like that and the icy aura that radiated off him, Shinji can imagine Rukongai Souls, with and without spirit potential alike, would see he wasn’t like them. Hinamori had befriended him though, had known him for several decades. She saw the good in others, believed in them wholeheartedly, perhaps to a fault, but even so…

She must have been kind-hearted and compassionate since she was young. It wasn’t something Aizen had fostered within her to further his plans somehow.

Despite knowing this for months now, it feels good to finally get confirmation in a way. Knowing that, Shinij suspects Aizen thought two ways about her kindness: that it was both a weakness to exploit and he also a trait for a good lieutenant, even if it was for appearances sake.

In some bitter way, he wonders if even Aizen on some level knew her true strength, and had treated her the way he had after he revealed his true self to punish her for it. The same may have gone for Hitsugaya, who had both his left limbs severed by Aizen. The cruelty of such an attack hadn’t escaped him, not when he and others had received smaller wounds in comparison.

Shinji grins, because despite trying to prove otherwise, those two were still standing because of the very things Aizen saw as a weakness.

____________________________________

Hinamori catches herself bobbing her head to the record playing in the background. If she were alone and didn’t have so much to do, she could see herself abandoning the paperwork and dancing around the room to the tune. It’s strange how the music can help her focus on her work but also make her want to dance.

“Who’s this one by?” she asks her captain.

Shinji is lounging on the couch with a music magazine, a scarf around his neck in place of his usual tie. “Fukui Ryo. Why?”

“I like it.”

Shinji grins without looking up. “Well, finally. See, I told ya there’d be one you’ll like, and a good choice too.”

She eyes the record collection, now taking up two shelves of one of the bookcases. He has more in his room, stacked in his closet with no space to keep them. “I’ve been meaning to ask, sir.”

“Hm?”

“Where did you get so much music?”

“I worked in a music store for a little while. Got a bunch of records for discount prices.”

“You had a job in the World of the Living?”

She sounds more incredulous than intended, and it’s likely why he laughs. “Of course I did, dummy! How else do ya think we could afford to stay in a warehouse?”

Hinamori lets out an embarrassed chuckle. “Ah, yes, of course.”

“It wasn’t my only job either, but it was one of the better ones. Aside from getting records, I learned about different musicians and got into collecting CDs too.”

At least Hinamori knows what the latter are, Hisagi had brought a stack of them and a CD player back from the World of the Living a decade ago. “You don’t have any CDs though.”

“I prefer vinyl, there’s something classy about them.”

Hinamori thinks to end the conversation there, but now she’s too curious. “You mentioned other jobs, what were they?”

Shinji closes the magazine and leans back, and Hinamori takes it as a sign this is going to be a long story. As he begins, she sets aside her writing tools and shifts away from her desk.

“I worked in a café at one point, learned how to make coffee. It’s nothing like the instant stuff, it’s better. Next time you’re in the World of the Living, you should go to a café and try for yourself. Before that, I worked in a department store for a few years, mainly in the accessories section. It’s where I learned how to tie a tie, so it ended up coming in handy I guess.”

She thinks of the numerous accessory and clothing stores in the Rukongai. Maybe it was because the tie he wears around his neck or the clothes he had from the World of the Living, but she can see him working in places like those.

“Had a couple of desk jobs too, but they got boring fast.”

“What’s a desk job?” she asks.

“Basically what we do, but more soulless.” He grins at his own pun, and Hinamori tries to decide whether to let out a pitiful laugh out or cringe.

She cracks in the end, both cringing and laughing. “Honestly, sir.”

“Hey, you think I’m joking, but it’s true! They got me to sit down all day and just write stuff that wouldn’t make much of a difference to most humans. It wasn’t fulfilling and I quit the first one. The second one I got fired from. Hiyori was pissed at me both times.

“The others had jobs too, but you didn’t hear anything I’m about to tell you, all right? Lieutenant Kuna was the first of any us to get a job, usually got them in candy stores or at themed cafes. Captain Muguruma was working in a kitchen at one point, it’s how he learned to cook as well as he does. After that he worked on construction sites or in warehouses. Captain Ohtoribashi worked in the same department store I did for a little while, but he got bored and went to work at an antique store, was a background extra on some TV show, then at a concert hall.

“Hachi never got a job, his size gave him away and we needed someone to keep an eye out for Hollows, so he just stayed at wherever we had our base at the time. Love tried becoming a mangaka for a bit but never had the talent for drawing, so he ended up working in convenience and book stores to get manga magazines on discount. Lisa worked in a couple of adult stores, at a themed-café, gave being a hostess a shot but it didn’t last long, and then at a bookstore, and Hiyori always struggled to hold down a job.”

“W-Why was that?”

“Come on, you’ve heard her over the denreishinki. She’s had the most jobs out of all of us. She’s been a housepainter, courier, janitor at a lab, had a few stints as a lab technician – they actually double checked her records every time she applied for those jobs, ‘cause she didn’t look as old as her identification said. There were others she had, but I can’t remember them all.”

Shinji rests his head on the back of his chair. “We didn’t go looking for jobs initially, first we had to control our Hollow powers. After that, we more or less took it in turns. A few of us would go get a job while the others trained, then we’d switch or one or two of us would keep working for a little while longer. Helped us stay afloat in the World of the Living and integrate into it better.”

“But with you all not being human, how did no one see that you didn’t age? Did you have special gigai?”

“Nah, just regular gigai. We didn’t all get jobs in the same area and got some in towns and cities nearby. Also kept low profiles outside of work, didn’t get too friendly with anyone at any job, didn’t stay at the job for more than four years, and never made contact with anyone from old workplaces. Think we only got caught out a few times, but usually came up with some excuse.” He looses a chuckle, but there isn’t much humour behind it. “Remember one time I bumped into a co-worker from one of the jobs I had. Didn’t recognise her at first, she’d gotten really old, but she sure as hell recognised me. Had to lie to her and say I was the son of the man she used to work with and that my ‘old man’ died years ago. Didn’t feel good to lie, but couldn’t risk her finding out.”

Hinamori knew about Shinji’s first time as captain of the Fifth Division, but what he and the others had done in the gap between when they’d been forced out of the Soul Society and now hadn’t even occurred to her. He’d lived amongst humans, had to learn their customs and ways, and at times lied to them to keep his true self from being known, all the while likely dealing with the betrayal of someone he thought he knew and the place he’d once called home turning their backs on him. She didn’t know much about the Hollow powers he possessed, but if what Kira and Hisagi had told her was true, it’s something each other captains had struggled with for decades to reign in. They only had each other in a world they knew very little about.

Her heart tightens, and she raises a fist to her chest. “It must have been hard for all of you.”

“It could be at times, but we didn’t have a choice. Just had to keep going, a step at a time.”

The words he’d spoken to in autumn come back to her.

I had a hundred years to think about what happened. I don’t hate him any less, but it gets easier with time to think about what happened and to talk about him.

You’ll think about it there and then, sure, but then it’ll happen again, and again, and again, until the time you spend thinking about it gets less and less.

You gotta face it every day, head on, all the memories you have him, whether they’re good or bad.

Hinamori wonders if she should finally ask him ‘why did you choose to come back?’, but thinks better of it. She has grown to not feel uncomfortable asking more personal questions, but that one still feels like a bridge too far for her. Still, hearing him recount about his friends the way he does, she wonders once again why he and the other two Visoreds decided to leave them to come here.

“You know, now that I think about, I reckon you and Hachi would get along real well.”

Hinamori comes out of her thoughts, but realises her captain is talking to himself.

Shinji leans forward, as if a great idea had just dawned on him. “He’s an expert in kido, can cast spells level eighty and above with little trouble. He could probably teach you a few things, maybe you’d show him a thing or two as well.”

She shakes her head to herself with a smile, doubtful she could show such an experienced user anything new.

Shinji crosses his leg over his other knee and looks to the ceiling in thought. “Love would probably get you to draw his characters for the manga he’s always wanted to write once I tell him how good you are at drawing. Lisa is a reader beyond the perverted stuff, reckon she’d have a few recommendations for you, and Hiyori…actually, you should stay away from her, she’ll probably try to soil my good name and get you to tell her stories about me.”

Hinamori laughs nervously at that, but Shinji is focused on whatever idea he has going on in his head. Without his grin, it’s one of the most serious expressions she’s seen on him, but there’s something open about it at the same time. She thinks to ask him if he’s all right, but stops when he nods to himself. “Yeah…One day, I’ll take you to meet them.”

She’s stunned for a moment, but it slowly dawns on her. It feels like she’s been let into something exclusive almost, and she smiles. She’d only heard these people over the phone, knew how chaotic they could be, but also now realising how close-knit they must be. They only had each other in a world they knew very little about; despite their arguing and antics, she knew from watching her captain to talk them he cares about them, and they care about him just as much.

To meet the people who he had led, and who had helped him survive and deal with Aizen’s betrayal, it feels special. “I think I’d like to meet all of them too.”

He gives her a lop-sided grin. “And while we’re there, let’s grab a coffee at a café. Maybe then that’ll convince why we need to get an espresso machine in the kitchens.”

______________________________

“Oh…”

It only hits Hinamori once she steps through the doors to small courtyard

“Something wrong?”

Rangiku looks back at her with her brows raised in question, but Hinamori can’t get over her revelation.

I haven’t thought about him at all this morning.

In fact, now that she thought about it, it wasn’t just this morning; she can’t recall thinking about him yesterday either. She’d been so occupied with planning an excursion to the World of the Living and then the reports she had to catch up on, she hadn’t thought about him once.

When Hinamori doesn’t answer, Rangiku fully turns to her. “Did you forget something?”

The question shocks her, and she laughs at the irony of it. “Actually, I did.”

Rangiku’s eyebrows raise further and raises the stack of reports in her hands. “That’s not like you, you’re usually organised for this sort of thing.”

“Ah, no, it’s nothing like that.” At her fellow lieutenant’s puzzlement, Hinamori finds herself smiling wider. “It’s just a thought I had for a while, I hadn’t thought about it.” She sighs. “Although now that I’ve realised it, I’ll probably start thinking about it again.”

But now that she’s had the reminder, will she go back to thinking about him? If she did, would the fleeting moment of freedom disappear to never surface again?

You’ll think about it there and then, sure, and there will be days where it has you by the guts. It’s just a matter of remembering that those days come and go, like any other.

Shinji’s words give her courage, but looking at her friend, she can’t help but wonder how she’ll judge her. Even now, more than a year after the battle, everyone avoids speaking Aizen’s name in front of her. She knows they mean well, and although not as painful as it used to be, hearing his name still brought some sadness to her heart.

Of course, there are some she can’t mentioned him to still. When she said his name and title in from of Hitsugaya on one of their lunch breaks together, he tried to keep his expression indifferent, to appear as if it didn’t affect him, but she didn’t miss the way his shoulders hitched up a fraction, the corners of his eyes tighten, or the clenching of his jaw.

She knows everyone means well, but it can’t keep going on like this. She can’t grow that little bit more if she doesn’t share this with one of the people who helped her get to where she is now. “I just realised I hadn’t thought about Captain Ai…no, Aizen Sousuke. I hadn’t thought about him since yesterday morning.”

Rangiku’s expression shifts to one of sympathy. Hinamori wonders if she’s had a similar experience when it came to Ichimaru. Did she have moments where she realised she hadn’t thought about him that day?

“What do you need to do?” her friend says.

It’s refreshing to be asked rather than told. You should go rest. Don’t strain yourself. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to bring him up. “Nothing. It’s funny, though… sometimes he comes up in conversation when I talk with Captain Hirako. I would’ve thought it’d make me feel worse, but actually, it’s been helping somehow.

"It’s okay to say his name, and it’s okay it talk about him. Even if it makes me sad, I think I’d rather that than avoidance now.”

Her response surprised Rangiku. After a beat however, a soft smile curves on her friend's lips. “If you’re sure.”

Hinamori nods, then lifts up her own pile of paperwork. “We should get stuck into these before Captain Hitsugaya gets back.”

“I’ll owe you more than a shopping trip for helping me with these!”

They sit on the veranda, completing reports that Fifth and Tenth Division were involved in. One was for the three joint training sessions they’d completed over the course of last week, others were field reports. It’d been Rangiku’s suggestion to work outside, and although not usually Hinamori’s first idea when working on official documents, she can understand why now that she’d settled down to work. It’s a clear spring day, with no wind and the sun warming their feet. Scents of various spring flowers fill the air, and somewhere in the distance, there’s both the clashing of training swords and light-hearted, indiscernible chatter amongst a group of unseated officers.

Rangiku breaks the silence as she hands a report over to Hinamori. “When I think about it, it’s been a year since you started working with Captain Hirako, hasn’t it?”

Hinamori hums in ascent. “It was a year last week, actually.”

She’d reflected on the morning of the ‘anniversary’. It had somehow both been a slow and fast year that’d passed, filled with struggle and triumph for herself and her division.

Sometimes she’d find herself wondering down the halls and temporarily be transported back to how things used to be, with everyone happy and content, smiling and jovially greeting each other in the hallways. That had remained the same, but there was something different about it too. A few subordinates sported new accessories, some had gotten haircuts, and others simply spoke more freely than before. There was a time where she both longed for the old days and feared that any reminder of those memories would make her stop, becoming unmoveable and unchanging, fearing to stake another step forward.

Those memories will remain, there is no escaping them. It didn’t mean she couldn’t create new ones though, similar but different. Better, in some regards.

She hadn’t brought up the ‘anniversary’ with Shinji, but she thought he remembered too when he brought up – more than once - how he needed a holiday after working so hard. She went to voice her agreement with him, but he’d turned to her with a rare sincere, close-lipped smile, and she lost her words as he’d pat her shoulder on the shoulder on his way out to – at his instances – buy lunch for them.

He is a strange man to her, even to this day. His default expression were either nonchalance or a wide, toothy grin. His tastes in music, fashion, and decor are bizarre but oddly charming in their own way. He spoke freely, sometimes with no filter whatsoever. He wasn't afraid to show his annoyance or tease her or speak about a man who had caused both of them so much grief.

He's sharp too, able to perceive things beneath the surface, and he worked hard to gain everyone's trust. He did so not to manipulate or for some ulterior motive, but to work and collaborate with the subordinates to make the Fifth Division better.

Regardless, he still loathes paperwork and makes almost any excuse to get out of doing it. At worst it drove her up the wall, forcing her to show her annoyance through a tight smile or calling him on his denreishinki and asking him to return to the division. He could be flippant with orders too, usually issuing them for minor or trivial matters rather than situations that called for a direct and authoritative response.

He didn't always outward show it, but she knows he cares deeply for others, especially his Visored friends. It was a genuine care, one that ran through the conversations he had with subordinates asking how a relative was going, or if they had visited that store in the Rukongai yet. He was patient too, allowing her to speak her mind when she was troubled, but also knowing when the conversation needed to end. His kindness also showed in those moments, when he'd offer her advice or a glimpse into his experiences with Aizen.

He believed in her, even as she sat in the Fourth Division confused and melancholic. He had given her a chance she imagined would have made some hesitant. His unfiltered approach inspired a sense of freedom in her, to express herself more openly.

She owes much to him, and hopes perhaps selfishly, she has been able to help him just as much as he has helped her.

Looking at Rangiku, she recalls all the times they’d spent together since she regained her position. At lieutenant and Women’s Association meetings, she was always by her side. On the rare chance they had break times that aligned, they spent it together, shopping in the Rukongai. She always had words of encouragement, believing in her even before she was out of the Fourth Division.

There was a time when she’d apologised for being a burden and for taking so long to recover. Now, bows her head. “If not for you and Captain Hirako, I don’t think I would be where I am right now. Thank you again, Rangiku-san”

“Like I said before, it’s nothing. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.” Her soft smile returns. “You’ve definitely come a long way.”

Hinamori gives a tepid shrug. “Thank you. I just have to keep going, no matter what.”

“We all do. In the end, all we can do is keep moving forward, right? ”

She thinks about Genji and the rest of the Fifth Division, about the Renji, Izuru, Nanao, and the other lieutenants, about her friends in other divisions, and about Hitsugaya and those in the Junrinan.

She recovered in Fourth Division believing she was alone, being left behind by the very same people she thought about. I will have to move forward on my own, but how? she'd thought.

When her captain comes to mind, when she pictures him with the people in her life, it brings a peacefulness she she hadn't felt in a long time, and a single word comes to mind.

Together.

_____________________________

The world moves in streaks around Shinji, and the air is thicker than before he went into First Division’s meeting hall. The news is still fresh in his mind, threatening to break his nonchalant expression.

Hinamori, who jogs to keep up with him, is looking at him wide-eyed with shock and disbelief. “We’re at war…with the Quincies? H-How can that be?”

“Those bastards were crafty, they found a way to survive.” He shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter who it is, we’re at war now.”

His words are slow to sink in, but after a moment she nods. “Then we have to let the division know.”

She summons a Hell Butterfly and relays a message for Genji to gather all their officers in the main hall for an emergency division, even those patrolling the Rukongai and the World of the Living. After sending the butterfly away, Hinamori asks, “Do we have a prediction for when they’ll strike?”

“All we know is what they did in First Division. Anything else, we’re shit out of luck. Don’t know when they’ll strike or how.” Shinji is sure his expression has well and truly cracked now.

“Sir, about my lieutenant’s meeting.”

“What about it?” He’d snapped the question without meaning to, but Hinamori doesn’t flinch.

“Kira-kun brought up something that might be of interest” she says. “He suspected that the invasion, the disappearances in the Rukongai, and the disappearances of Hollows were all connected. He noted that the report for the missing resident was conducted by Twelfth Division, and also that sandal prints were found in district sixty-four, but residents don’t have footwear in the lower districts.”

“What’s his point?”

“Twelfth Division may have taken those Souls. Kurotsuchi-san couldn’t provide us with any information, but Kira-kun is going to report this to the Captain General.” She shakes her head. “If it’s somehow connected to the Quincy invasion, why would Captain Kurotsuchi take those Souls? It’s so callous.”

“Shit. So Twelfth is up to something too? I should’ve known, Kurotsuchi is always up to some shit.” His eyes narrow. “What the hell is happening?”

Less than two years of being a captain and now he has to lead his division into a war. Organising the inevitable patrolling and drills around the Seireitei he can handle, but breaking this news to them, what the hell was he supposed to say?

He only comes out of his thoughts when Shinigami scramble past him and Hinamori. They go to different divisions, rushing to emergency meetings no doubt. He hadn’t even realised until now she’d been listing off everything they’ll need to do.

“…patrols for the lower districts, in case they go missing. I know we shouldn’t interfere with the matters of other divisions, but if Kira-kun doesn’t report to the Captain-General right away, Captain Kurotsuchi might try to expunge more Souls, especially now that Kurotsuchi-san knows we’re aware. Then there’s…”

She fades out again, because far in the distance up ahead is the Fifth Division insignia. Beyond the main entrance, Shinigami are running to get into the main barracks, a few almost tripping over themselves to get inside.

He can’t take the traditional route. Without a second thought, he leaps from the balcony to the rooftop down below and Hinamori follows. Any other time he’d tease her for breaking conduct, but the gravity of the situation weighs heavy on both of them.

They’re three jumps away from landing on the wall of Fifth Division’s main entrance when Hinamori calls out to him. “Sir, wait!”

He almost stumbles when she grabs his sleeve. He whips around and any exclamation he has dies in his throat when he sees her hunched over despite the firm grip she has on his uniform.

She’s a little out of breath, but she asks, “What’re we going to tell them? We have to get our plan straight before we address them.”

How the fuck should I know? No, he knows exactly what he’ll have to say. He’ll have to look every single one of his officers in the eye – seated and unseated, new and old – and tell them they’re at war, and they all know what that means. It means life won’t be the same, whether it’s for a few days or a few years. It means the new recruits get their first taste of real battle not against Hollows, but against opponents probably even stronger than them. It means the division member next to them is more likely to wind up dead. Shinigami are taught to be prepared for battle, to die in combat against enemies of the Seireitei and those that threaten the World of the Living and the balance all the worlds stand upon. It doesn’t stop them from fearing death or battle, doesn’t stop them from forming bonds with each other and mourning the losses of fallen comrades.

It’s over a hundred years ago all over again. It’s waking up to discover he has a Hollow residing in him, whispering in his ear, threatening to take over. It’s the pitying but determined look of Urahara swearing to make things right for him and the others somehow. It’s realising he didn’t know what to do or where to go in a world so foreign to all of them. It’s realising the others are looking to him, confused and unsure, to be a defacto leader. It’s knowing he took on said role in part because he was partly responsible for the what they had all become.

And in the decades in the World of the Living, it was not just the Visoreds he was responsible for. Even from afar, he was responsible for every officer in the Fifth Division and whatever Aizen was doing to them.

And perhaps Hinamori sees the conflict within him, because she straightens, let’s go of his sleeve, and leans away a fraction. Whatever she’s about to say, he gets the impression she’s been waiting to speak aloud for a long time. “This is likely not the time or place, but maybe, somehow, it will help you as it helped me.” Then with more certainty. “Why did you come back? And…why did you become a Shinigami?”

He could almost choked at how she threw his own words back at him.

Why did he come back? Because in his foolishness, he’d let the bastard in. And then when he and others were cast out and left to pick up the pieces in the World of the Living, Aizen took his place and shaped the division how he saw fit. He manipulated everyone, deceived them into being blinded to his true self no matter how close he seemed to let them get to him. Shinji had let him in, thinking he could stop him when needed, only to become part of his plan.

He’d let the bastard in, and the damage he had caused to everyone in the division was on his hands.

But that was neither here nor there. It’s been over a year, in fact, since then. The division isn’t what it used to be, sure, but it isn’t how Aizen left it after his betrayal either. And there was always that one thing that remained, that stood against every test thrown at it: the division’s sense of comradery and dedication in the face of horrendous odds.

He looks at his lieutenant, who just stares right back at him. Of all of them, she embodied those very feats.

He gives her a strained smirk. “Ain’t that a little personal for a time like this?”

She doesn’t back down; it doesn’t surprise him. “Perhaps, but maybe now is the time to remember why.” She turns to their division in the distance. “All them will be thinking it, on some level. ‘Why am I here? Why did I join the Gotei Thirteen?’. I know during times like these, you can forget why you’re here, so you ask yourself those questions to try and remember.

She softens a fraction when she brings her attention back to him. “The day you asked me why I became a Shinigami, it reminded me why I joined in the first place and why I chose to resume my position as lieutenant of the Fifth Division. It reminded me that there was a time before all of this when things were different, better maybe, but that I had a goal to work towards.”

She takes another step to him, now having to crane her neck slightly to look him in the eye. “You don’t have to tell me why, but remember, Captain.”

It hadn’t been for any noble reason. He knew he had spiritual potential and knew he couldn’t stick around in the Rukongai if he wanted to get anywhere in this next life. He’s briefly taken back to different moments in his life: to his first day as an unseated officer, to meeting Hiyori and the other Visoreds before they were changed, to meeting Aizen and knowing something was off, to having to say goodbye to his old captain, and finally, to becoming a captain the first time.

Somewhere along the way, on some level that he’d only ever spoken aloud to a select few, it had become about helping others. It had become about protecting those he cared about, and ensuring he could call somewhere ‘home’ with them.

When he becomes present again, he knows it’s not a time to get sentimental. You need more than sentimentality to win a war, but you also needed more than a skilled swordsman who fights only for duty. In an indirect way, that’s what he’d learned while at the Academy.

It’s neither the time nor place to be vulnerable; he’ll thank her for grounding him and helping him remember why he was doing this beyond some attempt to make amends later. However, he gives a determined grin as he says, “See, this is why ya need two people running a division.”

Her smile mirrors his and she gives a firm nod. They’re a team, a good one. A better one than either of them had in the past as Shinigami in the higher positions. However, the moment vanishes when his smile drops and he glances at Fifth Division’s insignia.

“We ain’t gonna mention the stuff about Twelfth Division,” he advises. “If Lieutenant Kira really is going to the Captain General about that, then that’ll be dealt with. I reckon Kurotsuchi isn’t going to lift a finger to get more Souls, not when he’ll have to answer to the Old Man.” He swallows and has to resist the urge to grit his teeth. “We’re going to tell them we’re at war, and whatever you listed off before. Sound good?”

“Yes, Captain.”

With that, they leap off the rooftop and land in their division’s main courtyard. They waste no time as they race to the main hall with their fellow officers. Some try to ask him and Hinamori what’s going on, but all his lieutenant does is to gather in the hall for a briefing.

Everyone’s gazes are on him from the moment he and Hinamori enter; to think more than a year ago, half of the room couldn’t look him in the eye. There’s a barrage of questions from some as he and Hinamori traipse to the front of the hall. Somewhere, Genji and a few other seated offers call for a hush.

By the time he stands before all of them, most of the talking and shouting has stopped. What strikes him more than seeing every officer in the same room together for the first time since Hinamori returned is how most of them look at him. They see him not as a lifeline or an answer, but as a captain. Yes, there is confusion and fear, but there’s also trust.

Then there’s his lieutenant, who stands at his left, completely quieting the room with a firm order. She wasn’t even two years away from the battle that had plunged her into a deep depression. She’d barely had time to breathe and rest. She still called Aizen by his title, though thankfully without the melancholy that used to plague her voice and posture when she referred to him. Hell, he’d even heard her refer to him without his title twice in the last month.

She doesn’t realise her own strength – in her compassion and belief of others – because it had been turned against her. If she can make it out of this war - no, he's going make sure she absolutely does - there’s a long road ahead for her still. Even so, she’d come so far. There’s a confidence in her stride where once there had been hunched shoulders and muted steps. She smiles far easier and can say Aizen’s name without the melancholy she’d been weighed down by. Shinji would like to take credit for it, but really, she pulled herself out of it.

He won’t fool himself into thinking he’d ‘redeemed’ himself somehow by nudging her in the direction of recovery, but knowing she has his back in this, it’s a comfort he never realised meant as much as it did now.

She looks to him, and in her gaze is not the doubtful and lost girl he first met in Fourth Division. There's concern and worry, but she’s strong, has proven as much time and time again since they started working together. There isn’t a hint of admiration for him, but there’s a belief in him. And after everything that happened over a hundred years ago and everything they’d worked on together, he believes in her too.

He shifts his attention back to all of subordinates. He finally addresses them, his voice echoing around the hall.

"I'm sure most of you are already aware of what's happening. There are some things you all need to remember before I get into the details. During times like this, don't forget for one second that our duty is to protect the Soul Society and the worlds beyond our own. We are Shinigami, we are to protect the Soul Society at all costs, and with our lives.

"More than that, however, remember we are the Fifth Division. We went through hell recently, but we have come out the other side. That wouldn't have happened without all of your strength and commitment. We will protect each other and we have each other's strength.

"We will not let the Seireitei fall, and through hell and high water, we will not let the Fifth Division fall."

#momo hinamori #shinji hirako #toshiro hitsugaya #rangiku matsumoto #bleach #sousuke aizen #genji isawa #hiyori sarugaki #love aikawa #fanfiction #brotp: the fifth division #hitsuhina #IT'S FINALLY DONE!!#I'll probably have to come back and edit for grammar and spelling #later though...I need to take a nap

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