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#I'd be comfortable with..... Because this body is 24 mostly and that's already too much of a difference for me but actually also bc idk how
doctorhelena · 2 years
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Ohhh Comfort And Joy - The Lost Chapter! Gimme gimme!
Regarding this ask game.
So, this is a chapter that fits between Chapters 9 and 10 of "Comfort and Joy". ("Chapter 9.5: In Which A Scandal Is Averted And A Mission Prepared For"). It starts out with a deleted scene that I'd originally intended to include in the story, but cut out because I was already so late with my Secret Santa gift.
(I feel like I'm cheating you here a bit, Justine, because I'm going to share a snippet you've already seen, which is the part I'd already written and cut out of the original story. I do have most of the first draft of the rest of the chapter written, but I can't find another full snippet that I'm happy enough about to share quite yet.)
Anyway, to set the scene: Peggy and Steve are secretly (and quite recently) married. Phillips unofficially knows about it but Does Not Want To Hear About It. In Chapter 9, Peggy and Steve borrowed one of Howard's residences for the night when they both had 24 hours of leave, first spending the evening at the pub with the Jarvises and the Howling Commandos. Peggy got temporarily very tipsy from chugging her whole glass of whiskey just as they were leaving, and tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to maul Steve in an alley on their way to Howard's place.
So:
London, January 29, 1945
It wasn’t unusual for Peggy and Steve to be called into Phillips’ office together - Peggy was the Howling Commandos’ official liaison, after all, and Steve was their leader. So, perhaps foolishly, neither was particularly alarmed when they found themselves both arriving in his outer office at the same time.
“He seems mad,” warned Private Lorraine as they passed, but that was normal too. Despite their general success at stomping out Hydra targets, there had been a very frustrating lack of intel on the movements of its biggest players. Peggy wondered if perhaps one of the seeds she’d planted with her networks in northern Italy and Austria had finally borne fruit.
It wasn’t until they were both seated in his office with the door shut that Peggy got a sudden sense that something other than Hydra was wrong.
Phillips glared at them both for what seemed like a very long time before unfolding a newspaper to display a picture of themselves with the Howling Commandos in the Whip and Fiddle three evenings ago, staring at each other with unmistakable intent. Peggy’s mouth was half-open with the tip of her tongue just visible, Steve was leaning his body well into her space, and each of them looked rather like they wanted to devour the other.
“What,” Phillips asked, “did I tell you about flying under the radar? Carter, you’re a goddamn spy. You know perfectly well how to keep your face out of pictures, at least when this idiot isn’t keeping them in his compass and waving it around in newsreels. Does either of you want to explain what the hell happened here?”
There was a long silence. “We went out to the pub with our team, and happened to sit next to each other at a rather crowded table,” said Peggy, finally. “We were on leave. However, I should have been more aware that there was a camera present. I - don’t have a good excuse for that.” Their personal relationship aside, it was imperative that her image could not be disseminated in photographs in the company of Captain America, or her spying career was as good as over.
Phillips narrowed his eyes. “It’s not the sitting together, so much as the fact that you look like you might be about to commit an indecent act right there on the table.” His glower intensified. “Not to mention the fact, Carter, that the reporter who took this is willing to swear he saw you pull Rogers into an alley halfway down the block, and come out looking a hell of a lot less put together.”
Peggy closed her eyes. Bloody hell. She’d been more than a little tipsy at the time, certainly, and it wasn’t easy to spot a tail on a crowded street after only half a block, but - she should have noticed. She ordinarily would have. What had she - well, she knew what she’d been thinking.
“It wasn’t what it looked like,” said Steve, unexpectedly. “Agent Carter hadn’t eaten, and Dum Dum was buying, and - well,” he gestured ruefully. “Guess I messed up her hair a bit helping her hold it back while she threw up all that whiskey.”
Phillips snorted. “Right. Well, I believe she’d had a few too many, because she’s a much better spy than this.” He glared at her again. “But I also know she can drink a man under the table, and I’ve never known her to - ” He frowned suddenly, peering at her sharply.
Peggy sat up straight. “No! Sir. I assure you, it is certainly not that.” Phillips raised an eyebrow, and she sighed. “I wasn’t sick in the alley. You were correct in your first assumption. I’d allowed my judgement to become somewhat impaired, and I kissed Captain Rogers in a far-too-public location.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Steve turning red. Her own cheeks felt a bit warm, when it came down to it.
“It really was just a kiss,” Steve said cautiously, eyeing Phillips.
Phillips held up a hand. “Stop right there, son. I don’t want details. What I want is not to have to keep telling the Ministry of Information that they need to censor pictures of Captain America’s romantic adventures for national security reasons. First that damned compass, and now this. You two are on very, very thin ice.”
Peggy knew that her cheeks were flushed. “Sir, I - it was absolutely unacceptable, and shoddy spy work besides, and I promise it will never happen again. I - ” she sighed. “I let my guard down. It was stupid.”
“Yes, it was,” agreed Philips.
Steve looked indignant, suddenly. “It wasn’t all Peggy’s fault.”
“Oh no, you’re in trouble too,” agreed Phillips. “It’s just that Agent Carter’s the one who should have known better. We already know you’ll never be a spy.”
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neuromantis · 9 months
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lately i have been thinking a lot about loneliness. and how lonely i truly am.
having another word vomit session under the cut.
i have friends and acquaintances aplenty, but i rarely ever see them or talk to them, really. i try to go out of my way, but something always goes wrong. besides, even if i actually go see them, i am never comfortable with asking from them what i actually need - physical contact.
i have voices in my head and we talk plenty. but i can't touch those either, no matter how much i yearn to keep holding my sister's hand.
whenever i mention it around pill, she says that if i wanted to stop being alone so bad, i would have moved in with her already. but yes, sure, we would probably be great together, but she hates doing a lot of the things i actually need/want and she refuses to be my romantic partner, so i really don't know.
all my life physical touch have been something to be afraid of. it could only cause pain. i was horrified when i learned that other kids got hugged and kissed and tucked in, their hair ruffled, their sides tickled. the most affection i got is my mother letting me to hold on to her elbow while she walked. what i got from dad... well. that surely was some sort of affection probably, but it mostly just left me bruised.
i loved sleeping in a tiniest bed ever with my ex. sure, he would also rape me in that same bed, but at night, when he was asleep and at peace and couldn't hurt me, i'd get to cling for dear life to a warm living body.
i am terrified of staying alone at night. i get the worst paranoia attacks imaginable. my loneliness just seeps out of my every pore, uncontrollable.
i usually invite a friend over. often i wake up at night and go to see if they're still breathing. if they agree to sleep in the same bed, that is much better, but i would still wake up all night from trying not to bump into them in my sleep. every time i want to ask if i can wrap my arms around them and sleep like that, because that is what i actually need, but every time i am too afraid to ask for more than i already have.
for 5 years i dated a girl who hated being held or to touch me at all. she would do my make-up, and slowdance with me when take me to church played, but she insisted sleeping a meter apart in the bed, would never hold my hand and i could count by the fingers of one hand how many times we've kissed in those 5 years. my mind would constantly run laps, "this time i am going to hug her", "i want to braid her hair", "just let me kiss your hand", but i never never did, because her being comfortable was always more important than anything about me. i tried so hard to be perfect for her, but i broke eventually, because that's what my brain does. my first psychotic break, my first suicide attempt in a while, me crying in bed for three months straight and she left. of course she left. anyone would in her place. when your loyal lap dog turns rabid, you'd probably just shoot it. would have been better if she shot me.
my last girlfriend left me because guess what. i wasn't touchy and feely and affectionate enough for her tastes. i wanted to be. i always want to. but i can't do it even if someone asks me to. it's fucking ridiculous. i'd much rather give/take pain than any affection, despite me wanting affection 24/7. pain is a more familiar way for me to deal with touch starvation. that's something i am familiar with, something i am used to. i'd leave bruises and get bruised much more comfortable than have something gentle. it throws me off. i want it, but when i get it, i want to scream. i need it, but when i get it, i want to vomit.
my fantasies all consist of me being hurt and used. i think if anyone tried to be gentle with me sexually, i'd throw up all over them. because it hurts even worse like that. because i don't deserve it. because that's wrong. because that's not what i got used to. not anything i am familiar with. so i hate it.
so i hate it. even if it's all i ever want. for someone to hug me and pet my hair and tell me how good i am doing.
people say "i will not help you, because i offered before and you refused my kindness and only kept trying to get more pain", how the fuck do i explain to you that the only reason i kept refusing kindness because it's fucking terrifying to me? because no matter how much i ask and yearn for it, actually getting it would probably fucking destroy me as a person? that i am yet to learn how to actually accept any help and kindness at all?
how the fuck would you expect me to accept help if the first person to insist on teaching me, gave the fuck up on me after a couple of months of trying? and i wanted affection at that point. i admitted i wanted it. i admitted to myself that if i don't get help, i will probably die very soon. and still, i couldn't.
i am lonely. extremely so. because what i always needed was physical touch and words of praise. but i am alone because my brain is utterly fucking broken and can not accept anything good for me even if i finally accepted myself that that is what i need. it still makes me recoil and choke and clam up and scream and whatever else. i can't. i can't. i can't. i want to, desperately so. but i can't.
so. i kinda convinced myself my love language was acts of service/gift-giving and gave up on anything else.
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am-i-space · 3 years
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Charlie Weasley headcanons🐉
All my Charlie headcanons (some of them are picked out from fanfics i´ve read at some point and I might add some over time)
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1. He loves to sing and actually has a beautiful voice
2. I can totally see him with piercings maybe a lip ring or even nipple piercings idk
3. Several tattoos (at least 2 dragons and I think more of a Viking style if you know what I mean)
4. His hair is a bit curly and a darker orange tone
5. Likes to braid his hair to get it out of his face 
6. Likes nail polish (it's always chipped because of his work and scratches it off when he gets bored)
7. Likes to wear jewelry of all kind but usually doesn't because it's impractical for work
8. Likes to wear a bit of eyeliner and smudge it a bit 
9. He has beautiful brown eyes 
10. He's super affectionate and loves to cuddle 
11. Has many scars because he loves to cuddle with his dragons
12. All in all he's a soft boy who loves adventures
13. Loves Rock/Punk/Metal music but he also melts at sweet soft songs 
14. Adopts a dog and trains him so he can come with him on adventures without getting in danger 
15. He is the best Storyteller and can make everything sound like you were right there 
16. He was the one who his younger siblings always begged to read them bedtime stories
17. He always did it 
18. Idk why but he's closest with Bill and Ginny 
19. He's an Aro Ace king
20. He absolutely adores Fleur they are best friends 
21. (She calls him her Chérlie)
22. He's an early riser and loves to get up and watch the sunrise or even start working already
23. He's not the best cook but he loves baking and is great at it
24. Doesn't want to admit it but sometimes he prefers coffee over tea
25. Is a good listener but would totally get distracted by cute animals
26. He has a ton of freckles on his whole body but mostly face, shoulders, back and arms
27. He hates being sick and as long as he is just a little bit sick he'll still try to go to work  (he tries to argue his dragons will keep him warm)
28. As soon as he really get's sick and that little coughing turns into a full blown cold he gets super whiney and wants to get cuddled all the time 
29. He speaks several languages and loves learning about different cultures ( I think like English, French and Romanian)
30. He likes to speak French when he's only talking to Fleur not just to practice but also because he knows she misses France 
31. (Also they like to make fun of other people, primarily Bill who can't speak French (or at least not well) and make it sound super flirty while talking about the weather or work)
32. He is writing scientific books about dragons and everything him and his team are learning about them that is either new and not published yet or when he notices that some books have wrong or outdated informations in them
33. He would love to be able to draw his dragons and add sketches to his notes and books but he can't draw well enough to satisfy himself to actually publish it
34. He is interested in Muggle culture (tho not obsessed like his dad) he often asks his muggleborn coworkers if they can explain him something or take him to a city and show him more of the Muggle world 
35. He likes to eat. I'd say that he's like Ron but I think he has more dignity and instead he just eats a lot. He sometimes gets a bit softer around the edges but he has a good metabolism and his work always keeps him on his feet.
36. He never really thinks about how his body looks he just likes to keep fit and healthy so he can take care of dragons for as long as possible
37. He's a nervous eater and he has a sweet tooth. He loves chocolates of all kind but when he gets nervous he tends to go for chewier sweets like gummies
38. I don't think he blushes a lot I think when he gets embarrassed or nervous he tends to stutter and gets a bit clumsy
39. He used to have a bit social anxiety at school because he just isn't very good at talking to People he doesn't already know well but once he gets a connection with someone he gets comfortable and opens up
40. (He still gets anxiety as an adult that didn't just disappear but since there aren't many people at the Reserve that aren't there full time he just has his co-workers who quickly took him in and became his friends)
41. He knows how to do household spells and how to knit, Molly wouldn't let him leave without making sure he knows how to take care of himself
42. He has a messy but still readable handwriting
43. He's left handed 
44. Charlie doesn't like horror movies he always gets scared but not by jumpscares more the psychological horror (and not by Monster movies  because he has too much empathy for the monster)
45. I can also see him being (partly) vegetarian/vegan because he doesn't love the thought of eating animals
46. He has dimples
47. He can handle big injuries like a pro (breaking his arm won't make him leave work early) but he can't handle smaller more annoying injuries like abrasions very well and gets whiney 
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I'd love to know more about your characters, but I don't know where to start with questions. ;v; Could you tell us a few facts about each of them we might not know? 'v'
((I think I'll do a quick recoup for everyone, as the blog has been around for more than 2 years already, and some story bits are quite far in the past - so beware of a really long post
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Fukase, nicknamed by this here fool of the mun Red Boi
He's a V class cyborg of F558.x build, with the lower case x pointing that his build was experimental. In his case, the experiment was in creating a possible spy build with extra adaptive abilities, and to achieve this the DNA was spliced with some cephalopods and who knows what. The results left the DNA unstable, leaving the build with a chance of undergoing permanent changes in their bodies under high stress. But on a positive note, their natural regeneration is outstanding, but kinda hindered by the wrong setup of the regeneration system. In general, there were quite a few programming errors, as it was seemingly decided last minute as to which manufacturers were going to finalise their production and what are the final class they were to be.
Prior to his synchronisation, he was a performer with Yamaha on one of a rather sparsely populated planets. He had an accident during one of performances when the building caught on fire but his system failed to respond in any way, leaving him inside before his absence was noticed. He recovered quickly due to his natural regeneration, but the programmed block of regeneration on the left side of his body left him with burn marks and a need for his left eye to be replaced with an artificial one. (When the spacecraft he's currently on got into a star storm - akin to solar storms here, - his system shut down, allowing the natural regeneration to take over and heal the scars)
After synchronisation, he lived on his own, sometimes travelling to join a friendly Miku in performances when she asked him to.
When he checked in with the scientist overseeing the experiment, due to his regeneration failing he was written off as the final failure in the 558.x project and sent off to the main base of operations to be disposed of, but he was told it was so that he'd be treated for this. F112 caught it and sent him coordinates where they could meet up, since then Fukase has been travelling on the cargo space ship with him, officially not becoming a member of the crew, though.
Personality-wise, he's just a cinnamon roll, with the downside being he's the worst at keeping secrets. He's a guy to say something like "so and so hates this, but they told me not to tell anyone ever", and only then realise he's said something wrong. Other than such slip ups, he's very attentive to others, and might be surprisingly serious and insightful on some issues.
He hasn't had much life experience, and is pretty excited about anything new he learns about, and always tends to point out the best in people and situations. Unless it's him, as he's a bit self-conscious, especially about his unhealthily thin appearance, which leads to him exclusively wearing oversized clothes, especially thick sweaters.
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F112, or Shitsui, or pretty much any way you want to address him (just not Fukase)
He's quite old for a cyborg, being one of the first V class cyborgs to use the second generation CPU that could interact with the brain leading to the "synchronisation", or a cyborg gaining self awareness and personality.
As it was back in the day when cyborgs were viewed as just a cheaper alternative to androids, he was bought, privately owned and treated like a life sized doll for the first 3 years of his life, till his physical and cybernetic systems gave up, and he was taken for dead and quite literally dumped.
He managed to survive by consuming spoiled food found at the dumpster. With him having no sense of taste, his food preferences haven't changed much.
He managed to get away from the centre of the human civilisation here by hiding on different ships going anywhere but just far away. He managed to hack his system, delete most of his programming and "not necessary" databases (which leads to him not being able to talk on mundane topics without using technical terms or rather general words, or results in him not being able to process a question) and installed what he deemed to be useful: weapons, combat and technology related databases.
He went on to work with some space pirates, then with bounty hunters, after working with one specific team on catching a dangerous criminal of one of the alien races he, as well as all members of the team, got full citizenship from that race as a thanks. This made him able to get an id and find a job that doesn't involve risking his life on the daily...
At least, he thought so, as the cargo ship he works on currently is prone to malfunctioning, especially its navigation system, which poses a risk of getting totally not where intended when making a wormhole jump, and getting stranded in the midst of unknown time and space without the chance of recharging the wormhole generator. And being the mainframe maintenance and general techy guy, he's the one who knows the most about how much trouble it actually means.
Before finding this seemingly safe job he found himself on the same planet where Fukase lived, right after the latter got synchronised, received his check and apartment from Yamaha and was literally thrown into the world he wasn't used to and knew nothing about. F112 got a place to live for a time, Fukase got a rather sceptical source of information about the world, both got someone to trust in each other. For the more comfortable and convenient communication, F112 set up a direct channel between the two of them, which he actually never took down and sometimes used to check on Fukase. One of such checks coinsided with Fukase being told to go to the HQ, which made F112 really passionately reach out to him and explain the real danger, giving also the coordinates of the nearest stop where they could meet up.
Shitsui is understandably not a fan of humans, but is quite patient with anyone else, and feels a sort of kinship with any other cyborgs, or robots, androids and in general anything possessing AI (which lead to him befriending the ship's AI whom he calls Mathilda, and to him trying to strike a conversation with household appliances if he senses any trace of AI in them). He has a bit of a pet peeve against people not doing their job properly, as he's seen it backfire terribly too many times. He has extreme sensitivity to the touch, easily getting overwhelmed by a lot of textures, and as a result wears clothes that cover his whole body, including gloves which he takes off just when feeling extremely secure (read it as "when alone with Red Boi"). Outside of other cyborgs or AI possessing beings, has hard time trusting and opening up.
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Himitsu (the name given by Fukase for his secretive nature prior to erasure of his personality matrix)
Spy class cyborg, as such - was going to be disposed of prior to synchronisation (shady military dealings), but because of the brain activity heavy tasks he got to perform, got synchronised beforehands, and escaped with his life - but lost an arm after being shot with a blaster and having his system switched off to avoid being directly commanded to return. By the time he got far enough away that he thought it safe to turn his systems on, the wound was so far gone that the regeneration system deemed it irreparable and cut it off from the rest of the system to avoid spread of infection, causing it to separate.
Being an army intelligence cyborg, he was transported between the missions mostly in the state of hibernation under a specific hibernation agent which was deactivated with an antidote when he needed to be awakened. Due to the use of those, he's unable to fall asleep, unless his body completely shuts down for literal 15 minutes once in a while, which causes him to be moody and sleep deprived 24/7 and as a result transforms slight amount of spice his personality naturally has into him being a SASSquatch.
Found out about the other two after casually reading through the army archives on cyborgs, decided to try and find them, first watched them from afar and then approached. As he was a spy class cyborg, he was properly screened from giving off any electronic signals that could've exposed him as a cyborg, which he offered to trade for removing any controls he had built in. As his last intelligence mission had his cover as an engineer, he was also offered a place as a ship's tech, and does his best to whip it to shape and help pressure the captain into realising that they really need some new parts and "if the fate says it malfunctions so be it" isn't a good motto.))
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