#I’m like well over the past couple years my dissociation has gotten worse and idk how to deal with it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

insatiablestitches · 4 years

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BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I’m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt

#vent #rant #triggering

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mytsunami · 7 years

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Message from Sanam: Hey everyone, A couple of days ago I opened up on social media about my abusive relationship. You can read the whole post below. I never expected the amount of support I received. I am overwhelmed by the kind messages, prayers, and love I've gotten from friends, family, and so many of you who I've never met or spoken to but have extended so much warmth and concern to me. At the suggestion of more than a few people, I've decided to start this GoFundMe for anyone who would like to help me get back on my feet. I haven't worked for a while now for several reasons but the 2 biggest ones were my health (I have PCOS & fibromyalgia) and the stress of this relationship. All of this has left me dead broke but today, after spending an hour with a domestic violence counselor thinking I would have to spend the next few months going to court and trying to have my now EX-boyfriend removed from my home that he had spent the last 2 months threatening to kick me out of - he ended up coming home, packing up all his stuff, and leaving his keys. I am SO relieved that all of this has happened quickly even if it was very painful. But the next 6 months of my life are probably gonna be the hardest. The last time I went through something like this, I ended up alone and homeless and it took me over a year to get back on my feet. This time I'm hoping to cut that process very short because I am so lucky to have the support system I have today. If anyone would like to donate to help me stay in my home and be able to pay my rent, bills, car insurance, gas, groceries, medications, therapy, doctor's appointments, etc, I would be so sooo grateful. I've been on my own since I was 18 and I've never really asked anyone for help. The amount above will cover all of my living expenses and basic necessities for at least a few months and leave me with some emergency money. I don't even think I would have made it through the last 48 hours if I hadn't had so many people reach out and encourage and love me. I am so eternally grateful to every last person. I've seen every message, every comment. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Love, Sanam (original Facebook Post) this is hard to say out loud. i have been in a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship for the last year and a half. he is a well loved and respected person in his community. i spent years admiring him and when we became friends, i fell in love quickly. he was charming and smart and kind. the closer we became, the more i learned how much trauma and abuse he had faced in his own life. at 38 years old, he had never gotten any help for his severe mental illnesses. our relationship became toxic quickly for many reasons. we were 2 broken, traumatized people who came together to find solace and healing in one another. what happened was the opposite. his suicidal ideation eventually turned into anger and manipulation. every few weeks we would fight and he would break up with me and cut me off, often threatening to kill himself first and saying hurtful things which he would tell me later on was in the hopes of pushing me away because he felt so bad about himself. instead of heeding these warnings and moving on, i spent almost all of my time obsessively worrying about him. although i knew he was being manipulative, i would worry about waking up and finding out he was dead. i went back again and again even though everytime it happened it was worse than the last. i made excuses for his behavior over and over again because i wanted SO BADLY to help him. i behaved in ways i was ashamed of and subjected so many people around us to my misery because i couldn't just accept he was an abuser and move on. even when he wanted to take space, i would constantly feel the need to check in because of the fear that had been instilled in me from the incessant threats of self harm. the last few months, although the suicidal behavior has stopped, the abuse has gotten worse. every couple of weeks i’m berated on and on and told i’m a stupid bitch, made to feel worthless and degraded, am threatened to be kicked out of my home. i’m told that everyone in my life hates me, that i am useless and i won’t ever do anything with myself because i’m financially dependent on him. i’m told that i’m disgusting, that i’m a fucking moron. he has no remorse for the most part. he thinks this is normal behavior and that this is “just stuff that people say when they’re mad”. it takes an extremely exhausting amount of emotional labor to even begin to make him understand that his anger is out of control and he is almost always reluctant to accept this. 2 months ago, on a day when we fought again, i stood in front of the door when he tried to walk out. he picked me up and threw me on the floor and slammed my head on the floor. over and over again. i vividly remember being told that this is what i asked for. i vividly remember dissociating and thinking that it wasn’t even real because i couldn’t imagine why someone i loved and who loved me could be so angry and hate me so much. i remember getting up once he got off me and scratching his arm, wanting to hurt him back. but i couldn’t. because he’s a 38 year old 6 foot tall man who is twice my size. somehow even after all of this, and knowing what i do about intimate partner violence, i have forgiven this man time and time again in the naive hope that things would be different. telling myself that he is just a sad person who needs help and things can be better. idk why i do this when all i have seen in this relationship is that it doesn’t take much for him to resign himself to lashing out and abusing me. i find myself still defending the person who’s first instinct in an argument is to tell me i’m a stupid, worthless bitch. i know that i can be a toxic person and probably not a great partner. i have said and done some ugly shit but i can’t imagine that i’ve done anything that even comes close to warranting this much abuse. to have someone gaslight and degrade and manipulate me for months is really leaving me feeling like i might not make it out of this alive. for the first time in 10 years, i’ve self harmed. because of this relationship. i listen to a man i love tell me i’m stupid and disgusting and the worst thing that ever happened to him over and over again and when i FINALLY RESPOND with any kind of anger or hurtful words, i’m told that i’m a psychotic abusive manipulative bitch who belongs in a mental hospital. he fits every pattern of an abuser - belittling and name calling, denying/rationalizing his behavior, shifting blame, being hypersensitive and self deprecating. and he has done a great job of antagonizing and gaslighting me while convincing himself and his friends that i’m a “crazy bitch”. this relationship has destroyed my self esteem. since august of 2015, right after the rihanna video came out, i have spent all of my time putting this mans needs before mine and investing all of my energy into a relationship that always left me feeling empty and pathetic. i am filled with so much regret thinking about how different my life and career could have been had i been smart or strong enough to get out of this at the first sign of danger. a while back, i saw texts between him and his ex girlfriend where she also accused him of physically abusing her years ago and it was scary to read him say, word for word, the same things he has said to me denying his abuse. how could this be a coincidence? this is why i beg people to believe survivors of abuse. there is NOTHING gratifying or rewarding in speaking out about this. i have been met with doubt, anger, and victim blaming before and i fully expect to deal with that again. i’ve kept this hidden from everyone around me for so long and it feels like if i don’t let it out i’m going to lose the last bit of sanity i have left. men who abuse women get to move on with their lives while women who are abused are left behind to pick up the pieces. i have had to spend months and years rebuilding emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual well being when i have been through this in the past. i’ve been homeless and broke. i have had people tell me i deserved what i got, lost friends who blamed me for staying, had people not believe me because my abuser was publicly kind and honest and generous. there is NOTHING i look forward to about doing this again. i fear for my safety, i fear for his safety. i fear that after everything i've endured in my life, this is what will finally break me. i wrote this yesterday hoping it would give me strength and courage and instead i just feel more gross, ashamed, and helpless than ever. i guess i don't really know what the point of all this is except that if you see someone you love going through this, help them. and if you see someone you love doing this to their partner, HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE. the worst part of all of this has been still loving this person and trying to be kind to him and make him understand what he's doing wrong and get him the help he needs only to be met with anger and hatred in return. i really don't know what to do or where to go from here. we still share a space and i'm trying so hard to keep myself together until one of us can leave. i know how many of u know and love him. i know how much he has hidden from everyone to keep himself safe and i know how much i've hidden to keep him safe. i really didn't want to open this part of my life up to everyone but i feel helpless. he has made it clear that he does not and will not even try to respect me or be civil with me. and i don't know how much help anyone can give him when he is completely in denial and dishonest with everyone in his life about what is actually going on. i don't want to leave my home. i don't want to end up crazy or dead because of this is relationship. i don't know what happens after this.

#trustmedaddy #instagram #abusive relationship #gofundme #women helping women #sanam #sanam sindhi #rihanna bbhmm #rihanna #bbhmm #desi

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