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#I’m just trying to live my life in relative peace without self sabotaging my relationship
bettsfic · 4 years
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Hello! Betty, I read your new fic and I love it and I was wondering if you have any advice when it comes to writing a character with PTSD?
well first i think it’s important to figure out whether your character has PTSD or C-PTSD which may seem similar but have some major symptomatic differences. with PTSD, a character’s trauma can be pinpointed to one (or several) major events. with C-PTSD, the trauma is/was longstanding. 
for example (and this is a very reductive example for a very complicated thing), if you survive a shooting and have post-traumatic stress after that, you may become hypervigilant in public spaces, and avoid keeping your back to a room. you might be triggered by the sound of popping. you might avoid places with large crowds, or similar places to wherever the shooting occurred. you might develop trust issues. overall, an individual trespass occurred that reshaped your understanding of reality. that’s PTSD.
but let’s say you were in an abusive relationship for five years. every time you spoke up, you were screamed down. maybe you were hit. maybe you were gaslit. that situation is a long-term, ongoing trespass to your understanding of yourself and reality. it turns the ground beneath your feet into sand. 
once, my emdr therapist asked me to focus on my “moment of trauma” as if there were only one and i would be able to recall it. and i had to explain to her that i couldn’t do that, it was just all bad. there was no one thing to point out. that’s what sucks about C-PTSD -- it’s not in the DSM yet (afaik) and the treatment for it is the same as PTSD even though it’s completely different. (the year of your story, btw, is really important, because PTSD was only put in the DSM in the 70s, and as i mentioned, C-PTSD still doesn’t technically exist from a diagnostic standpoint. so if your character seeks treatment, the year is important to consider).
emdr is a super effective therapeutic tool that helped me a lot, but it only helped with one single moment of my life, and didn’t touch on any of the rest. that’s another thing about trauma: it’s not relative. what gives me post-traumatic stress might not affect somebody else at all. it might just roll off them. conversely, what someone else might be hurt by may not bother me in the slightest. for example, my ex-bf pulled a knife on me once. other than thinking about that moment probably more than i should, it didn’t really alter my perception of myself or reality. he was an asshole, i knew he was an asshole, and he was acting in a way that was congruent with the person i knew him to be. moreover, by that point i had way unchecked C-PTSD so my perspective of Good and Bad was totally warped. to me, it made sense that he would hurt me. men hurting me was in line with my beliefs of reality. that’s a situation where earlier PTSD affects the perception of trespasses later on.
but my next boyfriend who never laid a hand on me eventually cheated on me, and that was like a kick in the teeth. it pushed me down and kept me down. i lost all of my confidence, i believed i wasn’t worthy of love, that i was disgusting and worthless. and i think it hurt so much because i had worked so hard to become who he wanted me to be and make him happy (we had a very unhealthy codependent relationship, and i thought it was my duty to conform to his needs in any way i could), and i saw our breakup as a personal failing. more importantly, i never thought he would do something like that. it was a total betrayal of everything i thought he was, and it made me hesitant to trust other people.
that was the memory i chose in one of my emdr sessions, and it helped a lot. it was a single moment i could lock down and attribute to many of my negative self-beliefs. and it was kind of amazing, that i walked into that office still, years later, painfully in love with this dude, and i walked out not caring about him at all.
in another emdr session, i focused on my dad dying. it didn’t help at all, because i certainly didn’t blame myself for his death. what i was struggling with was how much i loved him while feeling guilty for being relieved that he was finally gone. and in a more complicated way, i was also angry at him that he died before he could realize how horrible he treated my mom, sister, and i, and he never managed to apologize. emdr couldn’t begin to touch that knot of confusion. and so, to this day, i’m still trying to work it out.
anyway, back to writing.
the point i’m trying to get at is that to write a character with PTSD, you have to Know them. who they were before the trespass and how it shaped the person they became. if they were abused their entire lives, their development will be completely distorted. they may have trouble understanding right from wrong, especially in regards to themselves (which is why villain origin stories have a lot to do with a major trespass; it can alter your ability to morally reason). they may not know how to love without hurting themselves or someone else. they may believe that love looks like pain. they may have such insidious negative self-beliefs that compliments just slide right off of them. they are probably not self-pitying (although they could be). rather, their incorrect beliefs about the world are simply unshakeable. they might be afraid of everything, afraid of nothing, or afraid of weird things. they might be triggered by something clearly relating to their trauma, or triggered by something so strange and obscure and complicated it’s hard to see it as a trigger. they might fly off the handle when triggered, or they might dissociate for days on end, or both. they might be extremely performative and obsessed with how other people perceive them. they might be constantly attuned to their own body. they might see themselves from outside of themselves, through multiple lenses, in order to craft the image of themselves they want to be seen. they might do this as a safety measure, so as to be agreeable and pleasant and potentially stave off any harm that might come to them. they might be a people-pleaser. they may not have any access to their own emotions and have to find them through alternate means. they may be more prone to hurting themselves and other people, and not realize that doing so is wrong, because to them, pain might be a totally neutral thing. similarly, they may not be sad when people die, because they’ve always seen death as a peaceful escape. they might have drastic mood swings. they might not have moods at all. they might be impulsive and risk-taking. they might be prone to bouts of psychosis, depression, anxiety. they might have had hundreds of hours of therapy and still have not begun to chip through the surface of their trauma. they might not know their own trauma, or they might be acutely aware of it, and regardless, it will affect them the same. they might fixate on their trauma, or they might not be able to remember it. they may have a complicated relationship with memory. they may not have a strong grip on reality, or they may doubt their perception of it. they may easily fall into relationships with narcissists and sociopaths. they might constantly set other people’s needs over their own. conversely, they may be selfish and self-serving when it comes to very specific things. they may not be able to accept good love and affection, and they may sabotage their own health and happiness. they may not see this as a problem.
ultimately, to learn how to write a character with PTSD, you should be watching/reading everything whose characters you admire through the lens of trauma. ask yourself: how have the ways they’ve been hurt shape the person they’ve become? how is their worldview and self-perspective distorted by the negative events that define them? who would they be if those events had not occurred?
hope this helps. thanks for the great question!
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peterparkerstarker · 4 years
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Better Soon
ngl, this is me working through all my feelings about my own recent breakup, i’m pretty dang proud of this as fic in general, and it was really cathartic to write out
cw/tw: Starker, Peter is in college, post breakup feels/angst
The hardest thing about the breakup, Peter realized, were the things that caught him off guard.
He’d go hours, days even, without thinking too hard about it, and then something would smack him in the face with memories and he’d feel that wound, fresh and stinging all over again.
He’d done all the right things at first, had unfollowed but not unfriended Tony on social media, blocked his web browser from showing any articles that mentioned him, tried his best to create some space for himself to not be bombarded by Tony’s image and memory. 
He’d done everything he was supposed to do to heal after a break up he’d never wanted. But how the hell was he supposed to escape Tony Stark when Iron Man was everywhere? 
He’d retreated back to his apartment in Queens with Aunt May, the Avengers compound too full of memories and reminders, but he found that his room was crammed full of things that made his heart clench every time he saw them. 
Tickets to the Dodgers game that Tony and Steve had taken him to, pinned on his bulletin board next to a poster about a lecture Tony had given 3 years ago at MIT, before any of this had started. An old tie that they'd left haphazardly on the floor, unfashioned too roughly from Tony's neck after the gala they’d gone to last month. And about a million other things on top of that.
He’d tried to coexist with it at first, had hoped that if he didn’t disturb the items, didn’t box them up like he knew he ought to, that it wouldn’t actually be real, that maybe they’d still get back together. He knew it was in vain, but he hoped.
They hadn’t texted since that night, hadn’t exchanged one goofy selfie, or good morning text, or a single update about how their day was. 
It felt like a whole chunk of his life was ripped out, his phone silent and boring. Ned and MJ and May and the other Avengers had all tried to check in on him, all tried to support him through this. But he found himself resenting their messages of well wishes and support. He wanted his phone to chime with a text from Tony. Wanted an apology for making the biggest mistake of his life. A desperate plea for forgiveness. 
But instead he had nothing from him for 5 days. 
And it ate him up inside. 
He found himself searching for Tony’s name online, wanting to find signs of the man missing him. But each time he scrolled through Twitter and Instagram, his heart broke just a little more.
There was nothing for the first couple days. That had made sense. Peter got the sense that Tony hadn’t told a lot of people about ending things. And besides, they were never able to be very public online, the potential for public backlash and scrutiny too high for them to risk in their newly budding romance. 
It had made sense at the time. But now it hurt that no one beside his closest friends really knew. 
He didn’t want to be dramatic and childish by broadcasting his heartbreak all over Facebook, but it hurt that all these acquaintances from high school and distant relatives thought he was fine, that everything was smooth sailing as usual. It hurt that none of them really knew. 
And then, after a few days of obsessively checking and breathing a sigh of relief that there were no new posts, he started seeing signs of activity. Likes on their mutual friends posts, comments here or there, Tony posting a meme onto his story and a selfie on Snapchat. 
The world kept turning, and Tony was moving on. 
But Peter’s heart broke all over with each self-sabotaging click on Tony’s name.
Peter tried to keep a level head. Knew that whatever he posted would speak volumes about how well he was handling this to everyone in the know. So he posted once or twice a day, sometimes a selfie with a vague but positive caption, reblogged a funny post about Steve's hair.
He wanted to prove he was doing okay to the outside world, but especially to Tony, if he was seeing Peter's posts. He didn’t know if it actually worked, and he was too scared to ask.
He knew it wasn’t healthy, this compulsion to check on Tony’s Snap story or make sure he hadn’t unfollowed Peter on Instagram, but it was all he had. The last tangible connection to the life he’d been building with Tony. And as much as it tore him open each time and salted the inflamed skin, he couldn’t stop. 
Deep down he didn’t think he wanted to stop, he wasn’t ready to let go.
The first message from Tony in nearly a week had been practically transactional, about exchanging their items. 
He’d cried that night, suppressed sobs that wrenched from his aching lungs and chest, trying to stay quiet enough to not wake up May and worry her. 
But he’d eventually pulled himself together and dutifully packed up Tony’s items, the five months of their relationship together fitting neatly into one medium sized box. It felt kind of nice, actually, to fold up each sweater or undershirt and say goodbye to yet another piece of Tony. 
But it also felt so pathetic, how little space Tony's things took up in his tiny bedroom when he put them all together. He said goodbye silently to them, and kept it together the rest of the afternoon, smiling and chatting with May, pretending that he wasn’t bleeding inside from the pain of it all. 
And then he’d broken down on his way to the subway; a poster of Tony on a gigantic billboard that caught him off guard, made him feel like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop feeling the knife digging in deeper and deeper. It was mortifying, and no one on the crowded sidewalk gave him a second glance, let alone stopped to ask him if he was okay, they were all too busy with their own thoughts. No one cared that his life was burning down around him.
Eventually he pulled himself together once more, got on the subway, and rode it to the stop he knew so well. He felt numb, but that was better than feeling everything, numb was better than the gut wrenching loss he’d been living with for 6 days now. 
At least he hoped it was.
God, he really hoped it was.
And then he finally saw Tony, coming down into the lobby of his building. It was the first time he’d seen the man since that night, when he’d sat with Peter on his tiny bed in Queens and told him he didn’t see a future with him and that he wanted to cut things off before it went any further. 
Peter knew Tony had tried to do the right thing, tried to respect Peter enough to not lead him on any more than he already had. But it didn’t stop it from hurting. Didn’t stop Peter from feeling numb when he laid eyes on Tony now.
He’d awkwardly handed off the box to him, and Tony invited him up to the penthouse to collect his boxes. Of course he had more stuff to lug back home than he’d brought. He’d spent practically all his time at the tower, Tony's bed was nicer, and it was close to his university. 
It had made sense at the time.
They stopped in the hallway, Tony asked him about some mundane television show that was suddenly popular and for a very brief moment, it felt like old times, like they were just Tony and Peter, catching up after a long day and about to go grab dinner. 
It felt nice... comfortable even, and he found his hope rising like the traitor it was, but it was over all too soon, and  suddenly Tony was helping him carry the second box down stairs and out to a car he’d called for Peter. Peter cracked a bad joke that rang too true for the pain he was feeling and he winced, embarrassed and angry at himself for not playing it cool. They awkwardly wished each other a good night and that was it, the culmination of 5 months of his life with Tony. 
He cried on the way home, tears slipping fat and wet from his face as he called Ned and began to sob.
And now it was weeks later, Peter still didn’t quite know how to function with this Tony shaped hole in his life. He still felt the whiplash of seeing something that reminded him of a good memory together, still felt the compulsion to look him up online, but he tried his best to resist. 
Most days it didn’t work, but it was getting incrementally easier to handle the wave of panic that hit each time he saw something that proved Tony was moving on, was leaving him and the love he thought they’d shared behind. 
He missed being touched. 
Sometimes he wanted to be fucked senseless, to not feel any of the feelings he couldn’t shove down. 
Sometimes he just wanted to be held and caressed and loved in the way only a boyfriend could. 
Most of the time he just missed not feeling alone. Nights were the hardest, too quiet and hardly anyone awake to chat with and keep his mind occupied. Nights had been their time, and it still hurt most then,
He didn’t know when he’d be okay, be at peace with it. But he was still trying, still trying to be kind to himself and to the people who loved him. He was still trying to be better everyday. He hoped it would get better soon, he really missed the bubblegum feeling of being happy and in love. 
He hoped he would get better soon, he deserved to be happy, he kept reminding himself.
Peter was so grateful for the people in his life who listened and encouraged him, so glad to be feeling a little better each day, but it was the little things that caught him off guard and made him feel sad and alone all over again. It would get better soon, he told himself.
He truly hoped it would get better soon.
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shesthewindandsea · 3 years
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another day more anxiety. great.
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my-emotional-self · 6 years
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Let Me Protect You Part 2/Chapter 10
Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC Emilia
Word Count: 2,123
Warnings: Swearing, So Much Angst!!! Self-Doubt, Feelings of Worthlessness
Rating: R
Summary: Now that Chris and Emilia have established their relationship, she moves into his house after her brother decides to live in New York. Emilia is in bliss, thinking maybe her life will finally be at peace.  But are things always that easy in Emilia’s life?
A/N: This will be the last Chapter I update on this fic for a little bit.  I have decided to put Let Me Protect You on a hiatus, at least until New Beginnings is finished.  
 “What the fuck was I thinking” you muttered quietly to yourself; your hands gripping the hand rest of the plane as it took off.  Your breathing became accelerated, your nerves getting the best of you as you tried to breathe through it.  Fortunately for you, there was a flight leaving for Louisiana within the hour and there were open seats.  
Chris had yet to text you when you boarded the plane; making you have bad thoughts.  Was he cheating on you?  When he was with his friends and having a good time, were you the last thing on his mind?  Did he meet someone while doing photo ops and take her back to his room?  Did he really love you?
All those scenarios flooded your mind; visions of him flirting with all the girls getting pictures with him; his hand grazing their asses.  Tears started streaming down your face and you were a wreck; not even caring what other passengers thought of you.  
The four hour flight went by relatively fast as your thoughts consumed your mind the whole time. As the plane landed, you turned your phone back on, the light indicating you had a message.
Chris: Hey beautiful.  Sorry I haven’t texted in awhile.  Been crazy busy today with everything.  I love you
Chris: The guys are pulling my chain.  They really wanted to meet you this weekend.  Maybe we can set up a time and have them over for a barbeque.  What do you think of that?
Chris: You must be working away, or snoozing.  Slacker ;) Love you Ems
More tears spilled down your face as you read and reread the texts.  Did he really love you though?  He made a promise to you, a promise that he would always be there when you needed him.  And he broke that promise.  You needed him, to hear his voice, hear comforting words coming from his mouth and instead, his phone was turned off.
You made it to the Convention Center and Hotel that Chris was staying at and immediately you paused before walking in the door.  You only knew his room number and that was it.  Naturally you couldn’t just walk up to the concierge and ask for a room key to Chris’ Evans room.  “Fuck” you cursed to yourself, not knowing what else to do.  
Pulling out your phone, you dialed Chris’ number only for it to go straight to voicemail again. Letting out a frustrated sigh, you made your way into the hotel and to the elevators.  
The elevator dinged and opened its doors once you reached the third floor.  Walking slowly throughout the hallway, you stopped in front of Chris’ room.  You swallowed the lump that formed in your throat as nerves coursed through your body. Lifting your hand, you knocked on his door.  You shifted from foot to foot, waiting for him to answer.  Your knuckles knocked on the wooded door one more time.  
Huffing out a frustrated sigh, you placed your duffel bag on the floor and sat down, your back against the wall.  Of course he wasn’t in his room yet and you had no idea when he would be back.  You would have to play the waiting game some more; hopefully the hotel staff wouldn’t kick you out.  
Your eyes became heavy quickly as you made your way to lie on your side; you duffel acting like a pillow for you.  You were out like a light, nightmares plaguing your nap.
Charlie’s grip on your throat grew tighter as you struggled to breathe.  “You will never be good enough for him, or anyone” Charlie’s venomous voice spat out. Your vision grew dark as he cut off your oxygen supply.
The door burst open, revealing a startled Chris.  Charlie’s grip lightened and you were able to suck in a deep breath.  You looked between Charlie and Chris as Chris stood in the doorway, not moving.  “Help me Chris” you pleaded, your eyes watering.
Chris barked out a dark chuckle, “Why would I save you?  I don’t even love you.  You are completely worthless you know that?  I don’t even know why I got into a relationship with you in the first place.  You’ve ruined my life Emilia.”
You jolted awake, breathing ragged from your nightmare.  But was it a nightmare, or did Chris really think that way about you?  You started weeping again, thinking your nightmare was true.  Your head hurt, your face was red and blotchy from crying as you sat there and wept.  
The elevator dinged and you heard a bunch of guys laughing and joking as if they had no care or problem in the world.  Placing your hands over your face, your crying picked up more.  Why couldn’t you not have a care or problem in the world? Why couldn’t life be easy for you?
Their voices got louder the closer they got to you and before you knew it, they were silent. “Emilia?” Chris’ voice reverberated in the hallway.  Frantically, you looked up to see not only Chris, but Sebastian, Mackie, and Renner all staring at you.  Your eyes landed on Chris’.  He took in your appearance, red and tears streaked face before rushing over to you.
He crouched in front of you, gently grabbing your face.  “Baby! What happened?” he asked, voice full of concern and worry.  Hearing his voice was all it took before you cried out again, clutching onto his shirt for dear life.  
He rubbed soothing circles onto your back, causing your tears and sobbing to subside a little. “Why don’t you take her inside Chris? We’re done for the night anyways” Renner said as he lifted your duffel bag into his hands.  
“Come on beautiful, lets go inside huh?” Chris asked and you nodded your head.  He helped you up onto your shaky legs; your back cracking from the position you were stuck in.  Chris pulled out his keycard and opened the door for you first.  You walked in slowly, head bent down.  
“Let us know if you need anything man” Sebastian said as Renner handed Chris your duffel.  “Thanks guys.  I’ll see you in the morning alright?” Chris replied before closing the door.  
You ambled into the room some more, trying to steady your breathing.  Anger now boiling through your body.  
“Emilia what are you doing here?  What happened?” Chris’ words broke through.  You turned to face him, your chest starting to heave with shallow breaths.
His face showed that he was worried, but your mind refused to believe that.  Chris started walking towards you and your arms reached out, pushing him back.  “NO,” you yelled, “YOU DON’T GET TO COME NEAR ME!”
Shock appeared on his face, not knowing what you were talking about.  “Baby” he stated before walking towards you again, only for you to push him back once more.  His face quickly contorted from shock, to concern, to worried.  “Emilia what the hell has gotten into you?” Chris questioned with frustration.  
On impulse, you took the promise ring he had given you off your finger and threw it at his chest. “You promised me Chris!” you bellowed, trying to keep your voice strong but failing miserably as it croaked.  
Chris was first at a loss for words once you threw your ring at him.  He had no idea what you were talking about; why you were acting this way. His mind was trapped in a fog, trying to understand what you meant.  
“Care to enlighten me?” he questioned, his irritation with you starting to show.  All he wanted to do was help you; he hated seeing you in the state you were in.  It broke his heart, but you kept pushing him away and he was getting frustrated.  
Your face was grave as you responded to him, “You promised me you would always be there for me. Even if you were away.  You said you were just a phone call away.  But I TRIED calling you Chris and you DIDN’T ANSWER! I needed you so fucking bad and you weren’t there” your voice shrilled.  
Chris sighed out as he folded his arms across his chest, his face tense.  “You knew I would be here and that I couldn’t be on my phone.  This is my job Emilia!  I asked you if you wanted to come here with me and you said no, what else was I supposed to do?!” he questioned as his voice rose with anger.
Your knees buckled beneath you as your ass hit the bed; your breathing quickly picked up.  He was right and you were wrong.  You were always wrong.  Why did you always try to pick fights?  Why did it seem like you always wanted to sabotage relationships?
Your heart panged in your chest at the thought of Chris leaving you yet again.  You didn’t want him to leave you, he meant everything to you. Glancing up, you caught his expression; he looked sullen.  Was he starting to resent you?  
A single tear rolled down your cheek as you sniffled.  “I went to the hearing” you spoke quietly.  
Chris’ body language changed from frustration, to alarming rather quickly.  His eyes widened as he marched towards you.  He crouched in front of you, taking your hands in his. “Baby why did you do that?  You said you weren’t going to go.  You shouldn’t have gone without me!” his voice taught.
“I know!” you croaked out, “I just needed to get closure.”  You took in a shaky breath as his hands cupped your face, removing your tears.  “He only got six months” you stated sadly.  
Chris’ breath hitched in his throat at your words.  He couldn’t believe it himself.  How did that asshole only get six months?  He beat you and almost killed you!  “Fuck baby, come here” he uttered, wrapping you into his embrace.  His hand gripped your hair as his other rubbed circles on your back.  “I’m so sorry beautiful.  That man deserves a harsher punishment than that.”
Between Chris rocking you back and forth, and his soothing gesture on your back, you almost fell asleep in his arms.  But you couldn’t just yet.  You had to apologize first.  Breaking from his arms, you wiped the tears from your face as you took a glimpse at him. “I need to apologize Chris, for my actions,” you started off, “I was again way out of line.  I shouldn’t have even come here and distracted you.  I fucked up and I’m sorry.  This is your job and I don’t want to mess that up.  Can you forgive me?”
Chris’ eyes searched yours, his face doleful as if he was battling what to say.  He seemed disappointed and your heart broke.  “Yes Emilia, I forgive you.  And while I’m not happy with you taking your ring off and throwing it at me, I am happy that you came here to see me.  Alright?”  
You nodded your head, unhappy with yourself and your behavior.  Chris was disappointed in you and it broke your heart.  You never wanted to disappoint him and yet, here you were.
The two of you showered and got ready for bed, even though it was still early, only 9:30pm.  You sheepishly got under the covers of the king bed, staying close to the edge as you didn’t know just how disappointed Chris was with you.  Maybe he needed a little bit of space.  
You could hear him on the phone in the other room as you flipped through the television channels trying to find something to watch.  He strutted into the bedroom of the suite, and got into bed with you.  “Why are you so far away Emilia?” he questioned you, glancing in your direction as his eyebrows were raised.  
You shrugged at him, your throat hurting too much from all the crying.  He patted the spot next to him so you scooted closer.  Chris’ arms wrapped around your shoulder, tucking you into his side.  He placed a kiss onto your head before you heard him clear his throat.  “Can I ask you something?” his inquired.  
Immediately, your heart rate accelerated, not knowing what direction his question would go.  
“Did you stop taking your medications?”
Your eyes shut tight at his question.  You were going to tell him at some point, you just wanted to wait for the best time. Chewing on your lower lip, your hands fidgeted with themselves in your lap.  Chris took notice of it and glanced down at your hands, your wrists exposed in the dim light of the television.  
He shot up quickly and turned on the lamp before facing you again, gathering your hands into his and turning them over to see your wrists.  “Emilia!  What did you do?”
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How To Deal With Toxic People (And Why You Really Need To)
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In an ideal world, all of the people in your life would be helpful resources, willingly by your side to provide support, add joy, and keep you balanced. But let’s face it: We don’t live in an ideal world (if we did, I’d probably be out of a job!). Most of us will encounter at least one person in our day-to-day at some point in our lives who does the opposite.  Someone who drains your energy, undermines you, puts you down. I’ve recently been asked to speak about the topic of “toxic people” by FOX5 here in New York, and while “toxic people” isn’t a clinical term… I think I sort of knew what they meant. Toxic people chip away at your mental health and overall wellbeing, and the longer they’re in your life, the more damaging their emotional footprint can be.
Here’s the good news: You don’t need to tolerate behavior you find unacceptable! In fact, it is not only your right but your responsibility to limit their role in your life or remove them from it entirely. If you’re labeling someone or something as “toxic”, it’s part of your duty of self-care to manage the situation carefully. Plus, keeping someone around whom you actually dislike because you’re “too nice” to be truthful with them or at least quit engaging with them isn’t doing them any favors, either: Letting the toxic dynamic continue without giving them feedback will only encourage them to pursue and maintain unhealthy relationships with others.  Plus, it can be seen as a form passive aggression on your part if you consciously allow someone you actively dislike to continue becoming more vulnerable to you as they mistakenly persist in a misapprehension that you’re friends.  So whether you’re dealing with a sorta-toxic coworker or a so-toxic-it’s-traumatic partner, a “frenemie” friend… or even a toxic family member, here’s a guide to help.
1. Identify the problem.
This sounds like such a “duh!” step, but it’s one we tend to skip because it requires getting very real. First, you have to finally acknowledge the source of toxicity. This person can be a friend, a romantic partner, a relative, a colleague—no one’s off limits. And there’s a spectrum, which I like to break into three levels:
Level 0: The NON-toxic person. This is someone whom you may be accidentally mis-labeling as toxic. They may just have different values, beliefs, communication styles, or expectations than you. This person may even be a little intrusive or annoying, but this person is actually NOT really a “toxic person”. You’re just regarding them as toxic because you haven’t figured out how to set limits or communicate your needs with them. (Examples: A friend who always brings you down by constantly complaining about everything, yet you’ve never said to the friend, “Hey would you mind if we focus on the positives today? I’m trying to keep on the bright side here!” Or a friend who “bothers” you by calling waaay too often, yet you just keep blithely answering all their calls and carrying on unbearably mundane phone conversations without ever mentioning that you’re actually not a lover of long phone chats– how are they to know if you’ve never told them?)
Level 1: Mildly Toxic. Someone who is basically harmless, but who regularly uses energy-draining interpersonal antics: They may have a markedly dismissive attitude, regularly make snide remarks, pester you to do (generally harmless) things like meet for coffee even when you’ve made it clear you’d rather not, constantly try to “one-up” you, or place unreasonable demands on your time (or money). You’ve tried having heart-to-hearts to see if you can agree on a more respectful way of relating, but the person just becomes angry, refuses to take any ownership, or seems like they “get it” but then continues the same pattern without any actual willingness to continue working on it.
In my experience, all of us are likely to encounter at least one person like this in our lifetime. If you’re anxious about setting limits, try to think of this as a “training ground” opportunity, since learning to set basic limits is an important life skill. You don’t have to do it perfectly, and yes the person might get a little upset- but that’s their right, and learning to express yourself in an assertive-yet-courteous way will take you far in life.
Level 2: Toxic This moving beyond the Level 1 behaviors by violating boundaries in a more intense way. Someone who threatens to end the relationship whenever they don’t get their way, text-bombs you with angry and disrespectful messages over relatively little things (think ten text messages in an hour), or who finds other ways of objectively sabotaging your well-being (such as pressuring you to drink more than you’d like, or belittling your goals and ambitions) would be traversing from Level 1 to Level 2. They may ironically flip things around on you as well, such as playing the victim and lamenting that you have “thrown their friendship away” when actually all you’ve done is decline to respond to their abusive text message telling you they were “done with you”.
Such a person may also call you names when they’re angry, or say nasty things about your appearance; or disrespect your time or property (such as being unavailable to return items they’ve borrowed, constantly canceling or delaying plans moments before or even during the time you were supposed to meet, acting entitled to stay at your apartment or visit with you whenever they’re in town or it’s convenient for them even if you’ve explained it’s not a good weekend; or pressuring you to spend money on entertainment you’ve explained you can’t really afford).
Level 3: REALLY Toxic. Being physically abusive, stealing from you, verbally threatening you, or doing other things that are so intense they’re actually oftentimes against the law to do to another person. This category is actually the shortest and simplest to describe, since there’s really no “grey area” about these things– they’re clearly easy to recognize as 100% toxic.
Moving forward from a Toxic Person
Once you’ve ID’d the problem, the next step is to consider why you’ve allowed this toxicity to exist in your life. Oftentimes, we keep toxic people around because they’ve been in our lives for so long, it feels like our only option is to accept their behavior and make peace with it (for the sake of your history together). Other times, we let them bully us, physically or emotionally, because we’re too scared to speak up or don’t know how to set and enforce boundaries. And other times still, we almost like the toxicity or drama, because it’s become something we’re used to and we prefer familiarity over the unknown.
Repeat after me: None of these are good enough reasons to keep a toxic person around. Ready to set some boundaries? Read on!
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2.Take action!
The best way to know if someone who you think is toxic is actually toxic—as in, unwilling to fix their behavior in order to improve the relationship—is to give them a real chance to change their behavior. Initiate a chat about what’s been going on—if they only respond with more toxicity from the get-go, that can actually help give you the clarity you need to move forward (possibly without them!).
Many of the clients in my practice are dealing with non-toxic or just mildly toxic behaviors, and honestly I think those can ironically be some of the most difficult to navigate— when someone is clearly being abusive, it’s actually easier to cut them out of your life. On the other hand, when someone is just a little manipulative or a “drama queen”, more nuanced strategies are sometimes helpful. Here are a few to get you started:
For a friendship you’ve outgrown: “I feel like things have changed in my life since when we first met many years ago, and I’m no longer interested in X. If you want to change with me, awesome. If not, I just want you to understand why there might be some distance as we move forward and possibly grow apart.”
For someone who seems constantly down on you: “For all of the negative things you say to me these days, I’m starting to wonder if you really get that much pleasure from hanging out with me; and honestly it doesn’t feel great to me either, since you seem to disagree with so many basic things about me. You have a right to your opinion on my hair/ weight/ job/ life, but I’m just not sure it’s healthy for either of us to continue spending so much time together if you find so many things about me to be so bothersome to you, especially since the things that bother you are not things I have any plan or interest in changing… and even if I did, I still wouldn’t appreciate feeling like it’s always open-season for commentary about my issues.”
For someone who constantly guilts you for not being able to spend as much time together as they’d like: “I really value all of our memories together and I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, but I don’t think I can live up to your expectations as they are now. There’s nothing wrong with what you seem to want in terms of a friend who is always able to return same-day texts and visit on a weekly basis, but there’s also nothing wrong with someone like me who is only open for less frequent contact for whatever reason. Could we talk about what we both seem to need and then see if we still think this makes sense for both of us? No hard feelings either way, I just think it’s best if we can be open with each other about whatever the situation is.”
For Level 2 toxic behaviors: Remember: You always have the right to end a relationship. But if you’d like to try setting some firmer limits instead of ending the relationship, you might try something like,
“I need to talk with you about something important: I’ve realized that I’ve allowed certain things to happen in our relationship that are actually really unhealthy for me, and I want you to know I’ve realized it’s my responsibility to stop allowing those things if I find them unacceptable. I may never have told you this, but when you do X it affects me in the following way: ______. So, next time X happens, I will (end our visit, block your texts for a while, stop chasing after you, put some distance between us, or whatever response seems logical– if you need help thinking of what’s logical, feel free to ask a trusted friend, therapist, or coach!).
For a Level 3 toxic person: In many cases, it’s best to cut off contact with someone like this– and please remember you always have the option to do this if you wish, no matter whom the person is– but in situations such as an adult child or a family member who is struggling with addiction, we may sometimes decide that we’d prefer to learn hard boundaries instead (ie “You can stay in my life and we can interact when you’re sober, but if you steal from me I will call the police; and if you call me any names whatsoever our visit will end immediately.” or “I’ll visit with you, but only when someone else I trust is present; and if you become physically aggressive I will call the police.”). Please seek a professional or call 911 if you need help at any point!
Many people in my office fear conversations like the ones above because they’re afraid of upsetting the person. They often feel better when they remember that actually, if the toxic person gets really mad and ends the relationship, guess what? They just made things easier on you. I know it’s tough, but at least you’ve freed yourself from the toxicity—and the charade of a healthy relationship. You’ve now made more time for all the other genuine and healthy connections in your life—go, you!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Okay, Dr. Chloe, it’s not always that simple. What do I do if the toxic person is someone I can’t cut out—like, you know, my mother-in-law?” And that’s a great Q. First, be sure to schedule in some time for self-love whenever you have to be around that person, since being around crazy can make you feel kinda crazy (you know what I mean). Try scheduling a massage or dinner with your best friends to happen shortly after the visit, since they’ll help keep you grounded and give you a chance to unpack whatever happened.
Would you like to learn more about my acronym T.O.X.I.C., which offers steps to set limits with toxic people?  Check out Part 2 of this series on How to Deal with Toxic People!
Would you like to learn more about setting boundaries, especially with people you feel you can’t cut out of your life? Check out my blog on surviving the holidays with your family… even if it’s not the holidays, and even if the people you need to set limits with aren’t family, the tips in this blog will work all year ‘round!
How to Survive the Holiday Season With Your Family
To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here
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idlev · 4 years
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181019
Chapter 24:
“Breakups, Trials and Self-Discovery”
Chapter 24 begins as just another day down south in my new home. I’m not happy about entering my mid-20’s. I still feel like I’m 19. I’m not happy and I make sure to let everybody know that. My sister brings me a cupcake with a small candle in it, followed by a bunch of people, marching into my room once I already said I was calling it a night. I’m upset because she didn’t knock first, but I let it happen anyway.
I’m not happy about turning 24, but really, I’m upset because I’ve not accomplished anything I’ve wanted to by this age and time is seemingly slipping through my fingers. I’m not nearly the person I wanted to be, I live in a town I don’t want to live in, and I just don’t know. I’m upset this day, but I guess you can say I’m pretty comfortable with my overall life. Which is probably the worst place to be.
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Ending 2018
Entering into this season, looking back, I wasn’t aware of how much I was affected by being away from the only home I had ever known. I no longer had my friends and family surrounding me, no longer had a church or community to hold me accountable. Everyday I simply went to school, got good grades, ate Subway, went to work, then went home. I made one friend in school, a girl from Vietnam and I was perfectly content. I had no real problems. But you see, the problem with only having one friend is that when it comes to group work and you’re always super late to class, once group-work is assigned, that oneee friend may decide to find her own group without you. The next day, I decided to turn to a guy who I knew wasn’t in class that day either. I noticed he wasn’t there because I always noticed him but I never thought we’d be friends or anything. Little did I know was that day, by turning to ask him to work on an in-class assignment with me, my life would change forever. He was the first person I connected with in months and suddenly everything felt like it was about to be different. Meeting him was like having the sun come out after weeks and weeks on end of consistently cloudy days. As we spent literally everyday talking and getting to know one another, it seemingly felt as if no topics could ever be exhausted, and our connection never ceased.
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I tell myself, he’s weird but I want to make it my mission to get to the core of whoever he is. He seemed simple on the outside, but he had these hidden layers to him like I had never seen before. I didn’t know what he was looking for, but I desperately wanted to help him find it. I wanted to see him in his fullness. I had spent so many days just going through the motions, but by the time winter came, everyone was noticing how happy I was but they didn’t know why yet. I finally told them all on Christmas because I felt like this could be something really special. Me and him were like yin and yang; we were polar opposites but somehow fit together like two perfectly made halves.
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Finding purpose in the pain when you realize not everything is meant to be happy
Months go by and by now he is my best friend and my muse; I write about him all the time and I make mental notes of everything he does, interesting things he says, his expressions, his childhood stories, his favourite songs, his mannerisms. I analyze him to the point it scares me. I know in my heart that I wanted to do everything on the face of this planet with this boy, but something inside of me made me so afraid. Sure, we didn’t believe the same things but he demonstrated that 1 Corinthians 13 type of love: he was so patient and so kind with me; he never had an ego and always forgave me in my moods and instability. He sat next to me and held my hand when I was being totally irrational. He got angry with me but never at me. And he always had so much self-control and perseverance in our relationship. We all have our flaws, but when I look back, all of my problems and insecurities I was facing at the time were definitely self-inflicted. My own issues. I always felt like I never had much to offer him but my hope in Jesus Christ because that’s literally the only thing I had. I wanted to share with him my peace. I didn’t realize at the time, I was really unhappy with myself but hid behind a mask of Christianity and shamefully used it as my defense wall in every situation. Being with him began to expose the true condition of my faith, the true condition of my heart, my inability to handle my emotional responses and he revealed how incredibly double minded I was in all of my ways. I could never quite understand why I was struggling so much but I think it was because my heart desired him so badly when I knew I wasn’t ready for this level of relationship—but I didn’t want him to leave. I was selfish. My love for him was as real as my love for the Lord and something about that shook me to the core.
I learn so much as I process through our relationship and look at the qualities he showed me vs what I showed him. [Not all of the time] but when I got wrapped up in my own head, I was caught up on this notion that I had something to teach him when in reality, God was using him to teach me. In the moments I wanted him to change, I realized that God was saying it was me that needed to be changed. I draw so many biblical parallels, and there’s a bittersweet realization of everything happens for a reason. I can spend hours and hours going back and fourth trying to analyze what went wrong, what I did, what he did, what I said and trying to justify my actions, but at the end of the day, I can’t change anything that happened. Even if there is regret, I NEEDED to experience that. And I know had it been anyone else, the lesson wouldn’t have been effective because the loss wouldn’t have made me budge.   My whole life, my idea of love was so distorted that when it was finally showed to me, I didn’t even recognize it. In a lot of ways, I feel like I let this boy down. Why couldn’t I be a safe place for him and love him in the way he loved me? If I’m being totally honest, I guess I just didn’t know how. I was being challenged without realizing and my intentions were always meant for good but they were so easily lost in translation. I hate to appear weak and so I guess my defense mechanisms kicked in. It took me a while to even begin to forgive myself and that entire situation - not that certain things I did were okay, but because I had to detach from past hurts so I don’t carry that pain into my future.
I respected him the most the day he decided to draw the line where I never could. I respected him for saying the things I needed to hear to give me a shock to my system. I’ve always been like this, quitting, running from myself, afraid to feel love, seeing the ending of something before it even begins. But it took a move across the province and a lovely boy from Hanoi to teach me how to love, the most important characteristic a Christian should demonstrate. And for that, I’m actually so grateful because even through all the pain and all the heartache, the lesson was too valuable.
We were BOTH in that relationship, we both wanted it to work. I loved and invested as well but I can acknowledge my emotional immaturity. That version of us has died and it took a lot of tears and screams and sleepless nights to accept that. But I also learned that with death comes a rebirth, and another chance at nurturing.
The Corinthians quote finishes off saying, “When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
It was time to move on and stop operating in my childish ways. I knew some things had to change.
Investing into myself & self-discovery
When things ended, I felt numb for a while. I immediately threw myself into the word, I immersed myself with hobbies, friends, family, I set strict gym goals and I decided that I was not going to break. I would become the best version of myself. And I did. I never really looked at the breakup or processed it, but instead busied myself with the upcoming pageant. By now, I’ve lost twelve pounds, taken vocal lessons, pole fitness / pilates classes, I’ve gone through pageant training and I feel so much more in my element. Spending time with family and friends was an everyday thing and as far as I know, this is the best summer yet, filled with people, activities and events to keep me consistently distracted.
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It’s not until early August, when the days get slower and quieter; I begin to see my situation a little clearer. I realize I hadn’t had closure and that boy comes back to me in consistent flashes. The pageant is coming, I’m afraid and I want to quit so damn badly. Preparing for the pageant was also financially draining and eventually depression begins to close in on me as I realize that mentally, I was not okay. In every area of my life, I felt inadequate, like I couldn’t measure up. But the thought of letting my anxiety keep me from taking part in another great opportunity due to fear of failure made me sick.
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I want to get real about the anxiety that comes along with thrusting yourself out of your comfort zone. As I explored this recurring theme of self-development this year, I think this summer was the first time I acknowledged it was time to do something about my own self-sabotaging, personal issues that came along with my fear of public failure. Success is relative, but I began to realize that failure is not. The only way to truly fail is to not try at all. But embarking on this journey would be filled with new and frightening experiences that would force me to break some personal barriers. I had to appear "confident and excited" when I felt weak and unprepared. I had pressures to press on, because I had people financially invest into it. I had people cheering me on and excitedly anticipating the event. I had pressures from myself to perform well and not look like an idiot, as everything would be documented. I had spiritual pressures to not compromise, and pressures from the pageant to be this image that I just didn’t know how to be. It’s difficult to explain just how suffocating it feels, but when you're constantly giving away pieces of yourself, it's bound to take a toll on you. There was also the social pressures of wanting to advocate for matters of mental health and standing firm in faith when deep down, I felt like, I, myself, was still struggling to overcome the very things I wanted to advocate for. I felt so fake. I had no strength, I had no faith and I had no belief in myself. But I could flex? The thought made me feel even worse.
So I chose isolation.
When I finally found some time to myself, I re-stumbled upon 1 Corinthians following Paul when he says, "I will boast only in my weaknesses, for when I am weak, I am strong". That passage really resonated with me. I was once again reminded that being weak and surrendering it all to the Lord was the only answer, as His power is made perfect in our weakness. Immersing myself in that understanding was like a weight off my shoulders and I finally began to feel a peace about proceeding. I also finally began to share and stop pretending like I was fine when I knew I wasn’t. Suppressing only worsens anxiety and creates an internal depressive state. I was only beginning to dread the pageant because the experience was becoming too vulnerable. I was once again having my biggest weaknesses exposed and having to confront them or drown. And just like that, I realized my prayer of wanting to be a vessel of greater use was being answered through my pain and discomfort. This was a continuation of investing into a person I could be proud of.
The Answer
Before I knew it, the pageant was over and I had no regrets. I felt like I had overcome something, and had newfound desire to do it again. Like any other discipline, self-growth requires a certain form of training that makes you mentally and emotionally stronger but you almost never notice it right away. Like strength training in the gym, or getting over a heart break... these things suck at first, but once you see the results of enduring what you had gone through, you feel pleased. And you find the strength to want to do it again, but better. And you do.
When the school year began again, I began to challenge that weakness in other areas of my life as well. I’ve since got a job on the Student Services Board of Directors, I’m no longer terrified by public speaking, I can talk to a camera without reading a script. I went through so much this summer and realized I had began to develop a habit of not letting my fears control me. I proved to myself that I am fully capable of living a full life, without having to be a slave of fear.
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Failure is never a bad thing.
When you fail, it gives you a new opportunity to build upon a new foundation. When you’re building something and there are flaws, you can’t just try to fix it mid-structure. You’ve got to tear it down, and start on a new foundation. Love, faith and stability are great starting points.
It took me 25 years to gain control over my anxiety. To finally know and believe that the demon that has kept me a slave for a quarter life is now a thing of the past, brings me joy. Twenty-four was a year of hard chastening and growth and preparation. I know twenty-five will be a year of establishment, paving the way for another quarter century of exciting and scary adventures.
A year ago til now, I can clearly look back and see how God has worked in my life. God (or the universe or whatever higher power you claim), almost never gives you what you want so easily. He gives you what you need... to grow you, to hurt you, to love you, and to change you into the person you’re meant to be. Through transparency, many many manyyyyyyyy conversation sessions, reading my bible and journaling, I found such a method of therapy. The parallels I’ve drawn are too many to even write about but I can definitely say that my love for the Lord and his word has only deepened over the last year as it comes more alive every single day. I learn new things about myself all the time, and that’s what the faith is all about: sanctification, growing as a believer and loving others as you love yourself. I want to be a person who doesn’t need to tell anyone about what I believe; I want to be a person whose character shines through because of what I believe. I want my actions to speak louder than my words. I love words and I want to use them to uplift, not to tear down. I want to be a light in the world. I want to be better. And with Jesus, the perfect healer and perfecter of my faith, I can find purpose and strength to get through anything. Every trial I face only makes me realize that in my moments of complete and utter brokenness, prayer is the admission that I cannot do anything without HIM. I cannot change any circumstance because I am not in control. But I can decide how I respond. And that’s the most important thing.
So to conclude, I’ll leave you with this: no one is righteous, not even one — I’m so imperfect but the fact that I am forgiven is so healing, and a reminder that as His mercies are new every morning, as am I, as He grants me the strength to press forward another 25 years if that is His will.
With love... Cephra Rose. Chapter 25,
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nanabeats · 7 years
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Stealing a thing!
Stealing this from @a-kitsuneet-and-a-cybele, but instead just answering things down the list that I can or feel comfortable enough answering
1:Full name Alice Armstrong.
2:Age 22, last I checked
3: Fears? Mostly anxiety-related things, but something you might not expect is a fear of silence. Better dead than deaf, imo
4: 3 things I love I’mma be a dork and list @daxreythaak here. Also, music and good  food
5: 4 turns on Nope! Try again later.
6: 4 turns off Bad grammar, low intelligence, persistent clinginess,  and big egos.
7:My best friend Not answering this because it’s not a competition
8:Sexual orientation Yes.
9:My best first date Uhm. Dates? Right, people do those...
10:How tall am I 6′3
11:What do I miss Headshots. Every time. 
12:What time were I born Grammar o’clock. 3:44 AM, I think?
13:Favourite color Purple
14:Do I have a crush No, though I might go get one from the gas station. Orange sounds tasty right about now
15:Favourite quote This changes based on the day. Give me a topic, I’ll come up with something quotable for it
16:Favourite place My bed
17:Favourite food Knowing that Dax is reading this right now, General Tso’s chicken is fucking delicious
18:Do I use sarcasm? Never. Is there any other answer to this?
19:What am I listening to right now: Ga1ahad and the Scientific Witchery by Mili. @grexion just put it on in Plug. https://plug.dj/makais-shipyard
20:First thing I notice in new person: Hair
21:Shoe size Big
22:Eye color Blue with hazel flecks, or hazel with a blue ring around it. Depends on who you ask
23:Hair color? Very very brown
24:Favourite style of clothing? Simple.
25:Kiss someone that starts with the letter “R”? No/
27:Meaning behind my URL I wanted Foxy-thoughts but it was taken. Also foxes. And thoughts. And personal blog. Pretty self explanitory
28:Kiss someone that starts with the letter “M”? Teeeeeeeeeechnically?
29:Favourite song: At the moment, Zenmajikake no Kami wa Kaku Katakiri by Automata Girl. If I haven’t posted it yet, I will tomorrow
30:Favourite band: Depends on the day, but Alstroemeria, Shibayan, and RD-Sounds are my top three
31:How I feel right now? On a scale of 1-10? Ask Ana mains how they feel about onetrick Genjis stuck in low Silver, and convert that to a number. 
32:Someone I love: Already tagged @daxreythaak
33:My current relationship status Taken by ^
34:My relationship with my parents? FUCK NO
35:Favourite holiday: yule/Winter Solstice 
36:Tattoos and piercing i have: None
37:Tattoos and piercing i want: None
38:The reason I joined Tumblr: Long story short, @the-cursed-swordsman is a fucking cool blog.
39:Do I and my last ex hate each other? Normally? No. Presently? Fucking pissed at him for something that happened an hour ago
40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? The latter, occasionally
41:Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? EW NO! She has 44 years on me and I could go on for ages ranting about why that’s a bad idea
42:When did I last hold hands? Either this morning, 8:30 AM or last night, 8:00 PM
43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Depends on how long I’m given. On a day where I have nothing to do? Three to five hours. Emergency? Three to five seconds, depending on how quickly I can get my legs over the edge of the bed 
44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? No
45:Where am I right now? Work
46:If I were drunk &; can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? The morgue. I don’t drink.
47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable. Normally.
48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad? I’d murder the former and the latter hasn’t been in my life for twelve years now. Thank god. No.
49:Am I excited for anything? POP|CULTURE 6, Alstroemeria Records
50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
51:How often do I wear a fake smile? Nope!
52:When was the last time I hugged someone? Today, 9-ish AM
53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I’d be confused as hell...
54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Probably
55:What is something I disliked about today? Everything but Plug and so far, this list
56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Nah, I’m content as I am
57:What do I think about most? Anxiety things!
58:What’s my strangest talent? I guess I can kick myself in the face if I want to? Don’t ask how I learned that or where I got a prize for it?
59:Do I have any strange phobias? Silence
60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind.
61:What was the last lie I told? “Fine, I won’t drag you into this discussion”.
62:Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Chatting online. I hate phone calls.
63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? If they exist, they exist. If they eventually matter, they eventually matter.  However, they do not matter to me at this moment, therefore they are not something I am concerned with
64:Do I believe in magic? To an extent
65:Do I believe in luck? Aye
66:What’s the weather like right now? Cloudy
67:What was the last book I’ve read? The Iron Druid Chronicles book two, Hexed, I think?
68:Do I like the smell of gasoline? No?
69:Do I have any nicknames? Plenty
70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Rolled my ankle once. Hurt worse than the road rash from ditching my bike when a car cut me off, so probably more severe. I don’t get injured. I get sick.
71:Do I spend money or save it? Spend...
72:Can I touch my nose with a tounge? With someone else’s, yes
73:Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Grammar. And no.
74:Favourite animal? DO YOU HAVE TO ASK?
75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Getting ready for bed. The night before that? Talking to people
76:What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Zhou.
77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7xai5u_tnk
78:How can you win my heart? Nope!
79:What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Something that other people will see as fitting
80:What is my favorite word?
81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr
82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
83:Do I have any relatives in jail?
84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
86:What is my current desktop picture? I have entire folder of these that I could share sometime if anyone wants me to.
87:Had sex? Yes
88:Bought condoms? Yes
89:Gotten pregnant? No
90:Failed a class? Only once, when sabotaged by my mother. I was still one of the best students in that class
91:Kissed a boy? Aye
92:Kissed a girl? Yup
93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? I think so?
94:Had job? Kinda
95:Left the house without my wallet? Who needs a wallet when you’re broke?
96:Bullied someone on the internet? Yes
97:Had sex in public? Kinda
98:Played on a sports team? No
99:Smoked weed? Not actively, though my stepdad was a dealer and the house always smelled of it
100:Did drugs? HELL no
101:Smoked cigarettes? Nope
102:Drank alcohol? Kinda, leaning no.
103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No.
104:Been overweight? Aye
105:Been underweight? No
106:Been to a wedding? Once
107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Frequently
108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight? When younger
109:Been outside my home country? Yes
110:Gotten my heart broken? Kinda?
111:Been to a professional sports game? Twice
112:Broken a bone? No
113:Cut myself? Never intentionally. I’ve cut myself ON things, but I’ve never self-harmed
114:Been to prom? And hated the picture from it
115:Been in airplane? No
116:Fly by helicopter? No
117:What concerts have I been to? I’d rather not...
118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex? What part of “Sexuality? Yes.” do you not get? Yes.
119:Learned another language? Partially
120:Wore make up? Yes
121:Lost my virginity before I was 18? No, actually
122:Had oral sex? Yes
123:Dyed my hair? It would kill me
124:Voted in a presidential election? No, the only one that I’ve been old enough to vote in was the most recent one, and at that point I was stuck in legal limbo between two counties and couldn’t get to where I was registered
125:Rode in an ambulance? No
126:Had a surgery? Not yet
127:Met someone famous? Kinda?
128:Stalked someone on a social network? Kinda
129:Peed outside? Yes
130:Been fishing? Yes
131:Helped with charity? Yes
132:Been rejected by a crush? Kinda? But not really.
133:Broken a mirror? Yes
134:What do I want for birthday? A “my” in this question. Also for people not to pay attention to it. Or maybe a new laptop would be nice
135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Five. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. Never. And Fat Chance. Really though, please no kids
136:Was I named after anyone? No
137:Do I like my handwriting? No
138:What was my favourite toy as a child? I don’t remember
139:Favourite Tv Show? Presently? Rick and Morty, though I watch it online.
140:Where do I want to live when older? Somewhere peaceful
141:Play any musical instrument? No
142:One of my scars, how did I get it? Set my hand on a broken mirror.
143:Favourite pizza toping? Topping. Bacon?
144:Am I afraid of the dark? No
145:Am I afraid of heights? Kinda?
146:Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Gotten caught? Almost. Once. Though it wasn’t “bad”, per-se. My mother walked into my room unannounced during my first ever orgasm. That was... Interesting. She still doesn’t know about this.
147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Aye
148:What I’m really bad at: Lots of things
149:What my greatest achievments are
150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I don’t really hold on to things like that
151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery Invest
152:What do I like about myself: Well, I’m a fairly influential person when I choose to be, and I’m fairly good at pulling through tough spots
153:My closest Tumblr friend Not a contest, so not answering
154:Something I fantasise about: [REDACTED]
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loudgothbf · 3 years
Text
The therapist sat with him in relative silence, just looking it him, while Hibiki looked anywhere else but at her. The clock just seemed... so fucking loud. Why was it so loud? There was no air conditioning, no muffled speaking, no shuffling feet, no hum of computer fans, nothing to muffle it, reminding him of each passing second as it went.
It was driving him insane. “What?”
“What do you mean, ‘What?’“
“You’re the one who dragged me in here,” he retorts with a monotonous edge. “Why?”
“Because you were upset,” she says plainly, giving a small shrug and tapping her pen against the dip between her thumb and her hand.
“Yeah, yeah I was upset,” he huffs, breaking the flatness just a little. “I was upset because somehow the person I hate most in the fucking world got in here to see me. He’s the only one who came to see me, and he wasn’t even supposed to know I was here. He got fucking approval from the prison to come see me, and nobody thought to fucking stop him.”
“Why do you hate him?” she says, tilting her head and cocking an eyebrow at him.
“Wh-- What the fuck do you mean, why do I hate him? I hate him because he abused and humiliated me and took me away from my life for a fucking decade.”
“That’s all in the past, though. Why do you hate him now?”
“...What?” he hisses in incredulous disbelief, letting out a, acidic laugh. “What, are those not good enough fucking reasons? Am I just supposed to forget about all of that now?”
“No, no those are all good reasons to avoid him, to be wary of him. But why do you hate him?”
“I-- I hate him because of those fucking things! What the fuck else am I supposed to say, huh? If I’m so fucking justified, why are you telling me in the same breath that, actually, I’m not?”
“Well, because I don’t think you hate him for what he did to you, but because of how he changed you. What he took from you.”
He takes in a long breath, almost thinking he’s going to laugh, but unable to make himself. Is she fucking insane? “Yeah, yeah I hate him for that too, actually. I have a lot of reasons to.”
“What did he take from you, exactly?”
His hands grip the arms of the chair, nails scraping the varnish off the wood as his knuckles go white. “What did he take from me? You mean aside from the ten years of my life, my relationships with my family, everyone opportunity I’ve had since meeting him, every possible relationship I’ve lost because of him? You mean like my sense of security, my dignity, my self-confidence, my desire to live, my ability to achieve my goals, my peace of mind, countless hours of sleep, endless amounts of energy and money, time i’ll never get back, happy memories i’ll never get to make, my innocence, my childhood, my graduation, my reputation, my fucking belief that anyone anywhere will ever fucking care about me? I don’t know, I guess those are all shit reasons, too, probably, so why don’t you fucking tell me!”
She sits silently for a moment, still tapping that pen, the ink rattling inside the casing just ever so slightly, so it’s like two nearly simultaneous plastic-y clicks, off center of each other just enough that it makes Hibiki’s skin crawl. “You hate him because he took your past and future?”
He scoffs, shaking his head. “Yeah.”
“How can that be possible, though?”
Hibiki pauses, narrowing his eyes at her a little, scrutinizing her with bitterness in his gaze. “What?”
“I mean, it’s entirely true that he did take those things from you in the past-- your time, your sense of security, your opportunities, experiences that were one of a kind, but how can he have taken something that doesn’t exist yet? That hasn’t happened?”
“...Stop fucking saying these like questions and just get to the fucking point.”
She leans forward a bit, an irritating smugness to her expression. “Those things aren’t gone yet, Hibiki. You still have the power to determine how much of that he gets to take. It’s your decision.”
He leans forward, giving a sarcastic smirk. “Oh, thank you. How could I not have realized that? I should’ve just decided to not let any of that impact me. Thank you so much, you’ve cured me.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know that, Hibiki. You don’t act like you’re smart--”
“Thank you!” he sneers mockingly.
“--But I can tell you’re much more perceptive than you let on. You’ve been through more than most people could ever imagine going through, and somehow you’ve landed at least mostly on your feet. That doesn’t happen because someone’s lucky.” Hibiki goes silent, still wary of her words, of whatever she was trying to say. He certainly didn’t feel lucky. “You did that yourself.”
“I know I did. Without people like you, actually. People who insist that it just takes a bit of an attitude adjustment and all of my problems will fucking vanish.”
“I’m not saying that--”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that you already have the skills it takes to come back from things like that. Your problem isn’t resilience or strength or capability. Your problem is that you think your past and your future are the same thing. You think that if something happened before, it’s going to happen again.”
“Usually it fucking does.”
“Maybe. But not always. You can think of times when it hasn’t, can’t you?” He goes silent-- one does immediately jump to the forefront of his mind, but he dismisses it. No, that one just hasn’t gone wrong yet. “Everyone has confirmation bias, but this is where yours sabotages you. You already believe that you’re alone in the world. That no one is looking out for you. And you’ve had cases where that felt true, maybe even was true. But that doesn’t mean it will always be true. You just end up seeing things that confirm what you believe already. You interpret everything as betrayal and abandonment, and that makes you more certain of yourself, regardless of whether those were actual examples of that or not. And you discard the things that don’t coincide with your existing beliefs about yourself and the people around you, so you end up absolutely sure that you’re right, and anything that disproves you or conflicts with you is discounted.”
“...” He stares at her, waiting for whatever revelation was supposed to hit him now, but feeling himself fighting against the part of him that already knows, already made the connection, already figured it out. He wants to be mad at her. What the fuck does she understand? She’s just projecting. Psychoanalyzing. Like the doctors at the hospital when he was a kid. Talking down to him. It’s just like before. And she has the audacity to say it’s not? That that’s all in his mind? “So, what? I should just forget everything that happened and be okay with people hurting me over and over and over again?”
“No, no, of course not.” How fucking patronizing. Stop treating me like a child. “There are lessons to learn from your past, of course. But you need to separate reality from your expectations of reality.” She smiles. Stop fucking smiling. This isn’t fucking funny. Stop treating me like a joke, like you’re so much fucking smarter than me. “Yuta did take a lot from you. But that doesn’t mean he will take it from you in the future. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of trauma to overcome, you absolutely do, and I think you need to work with a specialist on that. But instead of using drugs to avoid thinking about a future you’re certain is coming and don’t want, you need to learn to expect something different. The more you change and grow, the less your future will look like your past.”
This sounds a lot like my past to me.
“Okay. So your advice is to... choose to stop being afraid of people hurting me.”
“...Simplified, I suppose. Choosing to do something isn’t choosing to have the result, though. Choosing to do something means committing to the steps to getting there. It takes effort, but it’s still something you choose to do.”
I’m tired of choosing to pretend like everything is fine. I’m tired of choosing something and having it taken from me in the same fucking second. I’m tired of being told to choose to be happy when I have no reason to be. I’m tired of it choosing something I’ll never get. “Whatever. So I choose to work on things. Cool.”
“Yes. Recovery is a choice.”
“Well, what if I choose to sign myself out? Y’know, when the doctors finally get here or whatever?”
“That’s your choice. It’s just about what choices you make after. Just make the next good choice no matter what choice you made before that, and you’ll be fine.”
Stop making it sound easy. Stop making it sound so fucking simple. It’s not fucking easy, it’s not fucking simple. I’m not fucking stupid. “Okay.”
She smiles, leaning back and turning to her desk, pulling open a drawer and rifling around for a few moments before pulling out a piece of paper and handing it over to him. “Great. You’ll need one of these completed before they let you sign yourself out. They’ll go over it with you in the meeting when they get here. Good luck.”
“Thanks,” he says flatly, standing up and turning to leave before she gets a chance to say anything else. Not that she was intending to, apparently-- the clicking of her keyboard starts before he even puts his hand on the doorknob.
-
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He fills out the paper and hands it over to the doctor when she arrives, frazzled and fuzzy-headed with a stiffly starched white coat over her shoulders. Within the next hour, he’s adding it to the pile of what little he has with him and exiting the building with the firm thought in his mind that he’s never fucking going back there again, even if it kills him.
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broomswept-thoughts · 4 years
Text
(okay moved to the desktop ver.)
I guess generally I feel like... Healing sometimes feels like I’m dragging through unpleasant memories and pain that I had managed to “overcome” mainly through forgetting or replacing them with other things. I think sometimes the emotions are too raw, and it might be necessary to put them down to just get normal things in your life done. But... There’s no one to tell you when to re-surface these emotions and experiences either (unless you have a therapist or something). 
I think I’ve managed to sort of overcome some experiences in the sense that I don’t feel acute emotional pain anymore or a very strong emotion (relative to the past). I think that when I think about H, I feel some remnants of anger and sadness, but other than her, I don’t have very strong emotions for passing crushes... Now that I think about it, I guess A was also a passing crush. I think for D, it’s become more amiable. Sometimes I feel anxious around him, and I feel a little bit of regret...? But even if he broke up with his gf and started to date someone else, I think I wouldn’t get hit very hard emotionally now. Maybe still regret if that ever happens but. :/ Maybe K will also pass into the sunset like them too.
I guess H was special in that she really shocked me emotionally and platonically. I think my experience with her might have precipitated the cycle of needing to fill some hole in my heart...? Even though the people who passed me by like that all individually haven’t hurt me as much, I think the process hurt me in the sense that it might have made me feel that if I don’t have a crush (not a relationship), I won’t be able to feel like I’m... living life? Or just able to feel very happy/ emotions in general. I think having crushes made college bearable, because it would be exciting and give me something to do (”do”) as opposed to studying or being anxious about my future. At least I wouldn’t be able to control crushes or what other people do... I didn’t have to have any “ownership” unless I wanted to (as opposed to studying, etc. where everything would be my fault no matter what happened. Or that’s maybe what I thought?). I guess it’s a control thing... Being able to choose to not control or to be in control. Maybe that’s also why crushes felt so necessary.
I think I definitely craved the excitement of having crushes. That’s why I thought it would be a little unfortunate if I ended up dating someone... Maybe I could sweep it under commitment issues, but I think there was a twinge of regret in terms of not having that excitement anymore. I feel like I’ve been socialized to want a stable relationship (which isn’t bad anyway), but that’s why I would outwardly make myself believe that that’s what I wanted even though inside I just wanted passing crushes so I could feel something. How scary... I sound like a YA protagonist rip lol. Or antagonist, idk.
I wonder if there’s a way for me to stop needing highs/ excitement in order to feel fulfilled. How can I feel fulfilled? I feel like a lot of interests I have, I’m excited about them. Is there a way to not feel excited...? But like still have good feelings? I’m not sure. Well, maybe it’s not excitement for playing music though... Maybe it really is just happiness? I guess I confuse happiness for excitement vs. with contentment. I think there are times when I’m just content, like when I’m with R and S in Jewett or talking with them... When I’m playing music too... But I guess it’s hard because I also experience happiness through exciting things too, like doing a new mashup or when something comes together (in whatever it is, music, studying, etc.). 
Well, maybe happiness does come in many forms... But it’s easier to be addicted to excitement than contentment. I guess. And then maybe that’s how you get addicted to the highs/ lows and all the processes that cause this inside you. 
It really is like emotional addiction. It’s also hard to know how to overcome this without replacing it with just another emotional addiction. How do I feel content and only content? Is this through mindfulness...? Maybe it is... mindfulness, gratefulness... Maybe that’s the only non-medicated way to get through this.
I’m kind of nervous of myself, because I can feel myself craving for another crush. Maybe it’s better that I’m quarantined very much at home in this sense. I guess S says I’m “thirsty”, but maybe it is like an emotional “thirstiness” lol. I don’t crave physical affection so much as emotional dependence I think. Or what other people make me feel. I think I’m better if I’m just alone for right now, at least until I can get a better handle on my feelings...? I wonder if I should even get a crush on anyone anymore. I guess that’s a little depressing, but. I think it’s respectable to do this, especially if I have such an unhealthy relationship with romance and emotional cravings. I feel like even if I got a crush, it would just. Ruin any of the growth I have had this week. I feel like I would get carried away with my emotional runways, and then self-sabotage and be back at square one (but maybe feeling even more remorseful). 
Not like I can’t ever be in a relationship for the rest of my life but... I wonder if the me who desires companionship and being “loved” or “special” would be safe from abusive relationships. Or if I myself would subject the person in question to abuse... That would be horrible. I feel like worst-case scenario I would be so possessive? And insecure, as well as bored. So. V bad. Even if my intentions for the person would be for them to be happy. I feel like maybe it might be conditional, like I want them to be happy... but only with me. Or something wildly crazy like that.
I feel like if I were in a relationship where the other person wants me on-off, then I would NEVER be able to get out (or it would take a scary long time). If I’m right about my emotional addictions (which I’m kinda convinced about rn), then that would be the serious worst-case scenario for me. I would be so addicted to them. It would be so bad.
And that’s kind of what D is like, isn’t it? On-off, a relationship that’s ambiguous and between someone who seems to see me as “special” in terms of roles for student orgs. Maybe that’s why I’m addicted to him...? Or being around him or wishing for him to fall in love with me or something. Oh man. 0_0 But it would def come together in this idea... Gosh that’s not good. But I think even when I’m shaky, at least this year he’s putting in boundaries. So I don’t try to do anything and nothing bad happens. 
Whew... I did NOT think it would be this bad or that the emotional rollercoast-type relationship was already in my life. But now that I think about it, maybe what M told me long ago, that I only like people who are unattainable, is true because it’s a guaranteed emotional rollercoaster. As in I crave unrequited romance, because they can be kind to me but also reject me at the same time. Omg... bruh wtf.
I wonder if that means I specifically craved unrequited crushes. That’s really... well, interesting I guess. But also I don’t really want that for myself anymore. I don’t want a revolving door of feelings and people like that. I don’t want to be addicted to sadness or emotional extremes... I think I deserve to not want that or be conditioned to think that that’s all I can ever get, either. I don’t think I’m broken forever emotionally, but I think I need to not be attached to this emotional familiarity.
I think a new mentality is uncomfortable, but it’s probably necessary if I want to break out of this cycle. I guess for future steps, they would be something along the lines of being aware of why I am doing X (I guess that’s mindfulness), and to slowly diffuse the addiction/ conditioning I have to want high emotions. I don’t know if there’s much to replace it with, but maybe I don’t need to fill a hole and the emptiness is eventually filled with neutral mindfulness and awareness. I think that would make me feel at peace...
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sunshineweb · 5 years
Text
Stress and Investing: A 20-Point Checklist
I was at my hometown recently and chanced upon a friend who works as an investment banker in Delhi. We had met almost after 15 years, and so I could notice a big contrast in his looks as compared to what it was in the early 2000s. He looked much older than his age, around 39, and so I enquired about his health.
To my utter shock, he said, “I had an angioplasty late last year, where they put a tiny tube in my blood vessel to restore blood flow through my arteries.”
In short, he meant, “I just survived a heart attack.”
“Stress is part of my job profile, you see,” he shrugged it off jokingly.
I had earlier read of a 35-year-old London-based hedge fund trader who died of a heart attack in 2013, and of the head of JP Morgan’s equity sales, aged 37, who had also died of heart failure in 2012. But my friend was, well, my friend, and thus the gravity of the situation weighed heavier this time.
“Is it worth it?” I asked my friend.
“What?” he asked.
“The stress that you say is part of your job profile?”
“Is there any other way you know of?” he asked me.
I couldn’t have asked him to quit his high-paying job. That’s not a real solution for most people anyways. They have mouths to feed, EMIs to take care of, and financial goals to meet. Over that, quitting a job and starting out on your own doesn’t guarantee a road paved with gold. You may try to get over your ‘addiction’ to the monthly paycheque (that’s what Nassim Taleb calls it), but going on your own doesn’t guarantee a paycheque anyways.
“Where is this chase leading us to?” I have asked myself repeatedly while pondering on my friend’s question about the alternatives, which I couldn’t reply to that day.
By the way, it is not just my friend whom I know who seems to have a messed-up life given the demands of his highly stressful job. I have seen scores of stock traders, investors, analysts, and fund managers – apart from managers, bankers, accountants, and others working in the corporate world – over the years who have “out-shaped” themselves, thanks to the stress they have allowed into their lives – stress that often leads us to poor choices, like sedentary lifestyle, bad food, alcohol, smoking, etc.
* * * You’ve heard of Peter Lynch, right? Apart from authoring two wonderful books (Beating the Street and One Up on Wall Street), Lynch is known as one of the best fund managers of all time.
In 1977, he was named the head of the then-obscure Magellan Fund at Fidelity which had US$ 18 million in assets. Thirteen years later, in 1990, Lynch resigned from his job but not after his fund had grown to more than US$ 14 billion in assets. From 1977 until 1990, the Magellan fund averaged a 29% annual return and as of 2003 had the best 20-year return of any mutual fund ever.
Lynch was just 46-years old when he retired from his top job, and at the peak of his game. He may have calculated it that way because his father had died of cancer at this very age of 46.
When asked for the reason for his quitting by Barron’s in 1990, Lynch replied –
I am just missing so much of it. I went to a soccer game with one of my daughters and I think they lost seven-to-nothing, and I had a great time. I went to one soccer game; I missed seven. I will tell you how bad things are. I used to read a book every two weeks. I haven’t read a book in the last 18 months.
“…a world class workaholic,” Barron’s wrote of Lynch, “he wryly confessed that he found himself setting new records for long hours in recent years, especially the last 18 months. And, in the process, he cheated himself of the pleasures of hearth and home.”
* * * Talking specifically about stress when it comes to a highly random place like the stock market, I recently read this passage from Nassim Taleb’s Fooled by Randomness that tells something about why we must avoid it (the stress) –
…people who look too closely at randomness burn out, their emotions drained by the series of pangs they experience. Regardless of what people claim, a negative pang is not offset by a positive one (some psychologists estimate the negative effect for an average loss to be up to 2.5 the magnitude of a positive one); it will lead to an emotional deficit.
…people in lab coats have examined some scary properties of this type of negative pangs on the neural system (the usual expected effect: high blood pressure; the less expected: chronic stress leads to memory loss, lessening of brain plasticity, and brain damage). To my knowledge, there are no studies investigating the exact properties of trader’s burnout, but a daily exposure to such high degrees of randomness without much control will have physiological effects on humans (nobody studied the effect of such exposure on the risk of cancer).
…wealth does not count so much into one’s well-being as the route one uses to get to it.
Constant fixation on the randomness of the stock market is what burns most people out, says Taleb.
Checking stock prices minute by minute (or even daily),
trading in and out of stocks believing you can beat the market and everyone around you,
leveraging to buy stocks especially when you have done well recently (thanks again to randomness), and
dealing in derivatives that engulf you in greater randomness
…are all ways you can add tremendous stress to your life.
Not to forget the act of buying poor quality businesses and the act of shorting stocks that also act as culprits in creating the stress situation.
And then there’s the biggest offender of all – the envy of seeing others getting richer faster. Oh, nothing beats this one in taking our emotions to the cleaners! It is indeed the quickest route to self-sabotage.
* * * Prof. Sanjay Bakshi wrote a brilliant article in 2012 titled Returns Per Unit of Stress, where he advised –
…stress should figure in one’s investment strategy, much more than it does, perhaps, even more than financial risk, because stress is a killer and high-stress situations – whether they carry high or low investment risk – will always carry a high risk to one’s health. In fact, one can now measure how many years of one’s life is cut short by being exposed to a high-stress life.
Being in the market for fifteen years, there have been multiple instances where I have sensed how emotionally vulnerable a lot of traders and investors are, especially when they have not been through a bad period themselves.
People must understand that the stock market is a giant minefield of cognitive biases and emotional weirdness. As Taleb writes, you can think of the market as a random walk with an upward bias. Year on year, you’re generally up. But day by day, you can be down nearly as often as up. Because of loss aversion, you’ll feel the losses more strongly than the gains. Looking at your stocks every day will at least add to your stress levels, and maybe your decisions will get thrown off.
* * * Stress is a killer. No doubt about it. And if you are not dead yet thanks to it (you are reading this alive, right?), you have a good probability of getting into health problems, unhappiness, depression, relationship problems, and more.
Now, I don’t believe that a stress-free life is possible. Stress is a response to challenges in life, and a life without challenges is too boring to contemplate. In fact, bringing in another of Taleb’s mantras, you need some stress to make yourself antifragile.
However, I do believe that most of the stress in our lives, and especially in our investing lives, is unnecessary. And that it can be eliminated by taking some simple (and some not-so-simple) steps.
It can’t be accomplished overnight — I’ve been eliminating stressors in my life for a while now, and I’m still not done. But I think it’s a worthwhile goal.
Here are a few things you can ensure in your investment process that can help you minimize/avoid stress. What follows below is what I practice in my own life and would advise my best friend, and thus can vouch for their effectiveness –
Removing Stress from Investing: A 20-Point Checklist
Check if you have the emotional bent to pick stocks. If stock prices jumping up and down trouble you a bit or if you don’t have the time and inclination to study businesses, please avoid stocks and invest through (good) mutual funds.
If you are picking stocks, invest in businesses you understand extremely well. And please don’t buy anything you don’t understand, even if that’s a raging stock/sector or even if you are trying to clone a successful investor.
Try to avoid stocks from industries like banking and finance, pharma, commodities, utilities, real estate, construction, airlines, textiles, etc. Also, companies that have high debt on their balance sheet. These are either difficult to understand businesses or their economics are mostly not in your favour as an investor.
Invest in high-quality businesses (say, long term annual sales and profit growth > 15%, long term ROCE > 20%, debt to equity Never borrow to invest. Never! And invest only the amount which you don’t need in, say, the next five years. Mostly, you will not earn great returns from your stocks overnight, even if your analysis and idea are right. But when you borrow to invest, you may end up compromising on the time you may otherwise have to compound your money well.
Diversify well (max. 15 stocks), and size your positions to the level of a peaceful night’s sleep. For instance, you may avoid situations where you are holding more than, say, 15% of your portfolio in a single stock (I use this number for myself). Have such a number in mind for yourself, and don’t exceed that. Also, instead of worrying about position sizing (how much of which stock to own), work towards equal allocation. Like, if you wish to own 15 stocks in your portfolio, every stock you buy must not be more than 6-7% of the portfolio at cost.
Ignore relative performance of your portfolio i.e., who are you beating in this game. Focus on absolute performance. If you can earn 15-20% CAGR from your portfolio, you are doing fine. If not, let go your ego of picking your own stocks and invest through few good mutual funds.
Completely (repeat, completely) avoid participating in Whatsapp groups where they talk stocks. Also, avoid online stock forums where you don’t know whom you are interacting with. These are deadly places and must be avoided if you wish to keep stress away from your investment life. Rather, have a group of friends whom you can talk stocks with. Meet with them to discuss ideas offline, not with a bunch of strangers online.
Mostly avoid attending meetups and conferences where they discuss stocks. They just add to the biases you already have in your brain. Also avoid business newspapers, television channels, economic forecasts, and any other news about the stock market. You don’t need any of these. Rather, spend your time reading annual reports.
Avoid the ticker tape. Don’t look at stock prices daily. They force us to act, and too much action equates with too much stress. Identify and own good business, and then sit on them still, doing nothing, till they remain good businesses. Prove Blaise Pascal wrong, who said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Avoid derivatives, by far. They are indeed financial weapons of mass destruction.
Accept randomness and volatility as a core part of your investment journey. Zoom out of the daily grind of the stock market, and zoom in to the long-term economics of the businesses you own.
Don’t look at the stock market to make you rich, but just to keep you rich. The income you earn from your work and the money you save out of it, when invested well, should make you rich. Not the stock market. Okay, if you know of someone like you who got rich through stocks in the past, know that you are looking at a rare survivor.
If you are already working on a good job, forget quitting it to become a full-time investor. It may be a road to hell, especially when you end up depending on the market to run your household. Also, getting full-time into investing can be lonely and boring, and our brains often go into a tizzy when we are either going through these emotions of loneliness and boredom.
If you wish to make a career in the stock market, try as much to avoid being on the sell-side (working as an analyst for a broker). Almost all of what they do is short-term oriented and highly stressful. Rather, check with a buy-side firm (especially long-term oriented money managers). Best, work outside the stock market and practice investing on your own. Also, avoid working in an investment bank. You may have to sell your soul to earn your commissions. Wait, it’s not that the people there are bad! I have a few investment banking and analyst friends after all. It’s the way they are incentivized that’s injurious to other people who take their advice. One of the factors that hastened me quitting my job in 2011 was because I hated going to Nariman Point in Mumbai where my office was located. That place – the hub of stock market analysts, investment bankers, and fund managers – I believe, contains that maximum amount of stress and ego per square feet of space in India.
Avoid searching for new books and instead spend time reading the investment supertexts that extol the virtues of long term thinking and patience. Better, read books outside investing.
Instead of sitting and staring at the screen, go for long walks. Exercise. Meditate. Eat well. Get enough sleep each night. Avoid the company of stressed traders and investors. Avoid online portfolio trackers.
Recognize your limits and be reasonable with your expectations. How well do you know what you don’t know? Don’t let your ego determine what you should do. As Charlie Munger says – “It is remarkable how much long-term advantage people like us have gotten by trying to be consistently not stupid, instead of trying to be very intelligent. There must be some wisdom in the old saying: ‘It’s the strong swimmers who drown.’”
Avoid predictions (making and taking), and expect surprises. Jason Zweig wrote this in The Intelligent Investor – “The only thing you can be confident of while forecasting future stock returns is that you will probably turn out to be wrong. The only indisputable truth that the past teaches us is that the future will always surprise us — always! And the corollary to that law of financial history is that the markets will most brutally surprise the very people who are most certain that their views about the future are right. Staying humble about your forecasting powers, as Graham did, will keep you from risking too much on a view of the future that may well turn out to be wrong.”
Practice the three iron rules – peace, detachment, and acceptance. Most good decisions in life are marked by these. Rising markets may lead us to ignore this. Most investors like to believe they can enjoy stock market gains without losses. And that denial is what causes them stress and conflict. They feel disappointed when the harsh reality doesn’t align with their rosy expectations. And then, such investors feel helpless, which further magnifies their disappointment and stress levels. After all, most of what happens in the stock market are outside of our control. We can’t stop the market from falling and crashing, nor can we call up companies or the stock market regulator or the central bank when our stocks tumble. Making and losing money is just the nature of investing, and often outside your control. So just do your work well, and then let it go. Yes, let it go.
The legendary Rajesh Khanna said in one of my favourite movies of all time – Anand –
बाबूमोशाय, ज़िन्दगी और मौत उपरवाले के हाथ है जहांपनाह। उसे ना तो आप बदल सकते हैं ना मैं। हम सब तो रंगमंच की कठपुतलियां हैं जिनकी डोर उपरवाले की उँगलियों में बँधी है। कब, कौन, कैसे उठेगा यह कोई नहीं बता सकता है. हा, हा, हा!
Translation – Brother, life and death is in control of the One above. We cannot change that. We are all puppets and He controls our strings. None of us can tell who will be pulled up when and how. Ha, ha, ha!
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So, stress or no stress, we are still going to die. But we have a choice – to die just once or in small bits every day (due to stress).
You see, when you add unwanted stressors to your life and investing, you are like Damocles who dined with a sword dangling over his head where small stress to the string holding the sword would have killed him. Don’t be like him.
Prof. Bakshi wrote in his post –
My advice to those who ignore the stress part of the equation but focus only on returns per unit of risk: You cannot take it away with you, so what’s the point of all that stress, just for the money?
Seriously, what’s the point?
References –
Returns Per Unit of Stress ~ Prof. Sanjay Bakshi
Fooled by Randomness ~ Nassim Taleb
Is There Life After Babe Ruth? (Peter Lynch’s Interview)
A Short Guide to Reading and Learning for Investors
3 Iron Rules of Life and Investing
Why You Must Not Quit Your Job to Become a Full-Time Investor
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