#I’m gonna talk to my dissertation supervisor to see if I can talk about it in my dissertation because I think it would link rly well

[troglobite]

i guess i’ll have to talk about this in therapy but

from all sides i am being told i do not matter and i am wrong, even though i know i’m not

my knowledge and caution abt covid has been disregarded, mocked, or laughed/scoffed at multiple times

my feedback on students’ papers was called “mean” even though everything i said was true and fair

the students ignored ALL of my feedback, and now their papers are getting published and i had only 8 hrs to edit their papers into something comprehensible. now the EIC has to go back to the students and ask them to make the changes i told them to make two months ago

but instead i was called mean, removed from the round two reviewers, and had all of my hard work as a reviewer ignored and swept aside for the students to completely disregard

i cannot get another fucking job for the life of me and no one wants to help me or hear about how much this fucking sucks

the sheer volume of pain and stress and terror and isolation i’ve been dealing with apparently isn’t as important as my mom’s cavalier decision that she can go see other people but not me

i am an idiot child burden

the only two people i can speak with have completely lost any interest in talking to me abt anything i’m dealing with, even though they’ve repeatedly said that they’re there to support me

i try and change how i go about it and it doesn’t work

i try to clarify what i’m saying and it doesn’t work

what else am i supposed to do but pull back

i just

don’t matter

my work doesn’t matter, my knowledge doesn’t matter, my health doesn’t matter, my mental health doesn’t matter, my feelings don’t matter.

i don’t fucking matter.

i get it.

everyone is telling me in so many ways that i don’t matter.

and idk what to do with that.

even typing this i feel like if i think abt it for too long i’m gonna fucking break so hard there’s no coming back from it.

these are all from people that i love and trust, and have done for years.

my mom

my friend of 16 years who i’ve been helping support through her break up

my friend of 4 years

and my supervisor/EIC of 5 years who i respect and who asked me to proofread her literal dissertation bc she trusted me so much

and now?

now idk what happened. i did something wrong, i guess. everyone got tired of me for some reason. 

they’re just. 

idk.

i’m tired and i can’t look at this or think abt it anymore or i won’t even be able to fall asleep bc i’ll just be crying all night.

i’m so sick of this.

how do you tell someone how you feel completely disregarded and shat on when the problem is that they don’t respect you or what you say 

why is it so hard to care about me? what am i doing wrong? why am i so fucking hard to love? even with distance?

why am i so pathetic? i can’t handle anything. i’m not made for this life. i’m tired of feeling and being this way.

[lesbalisious]

Going through super old tags is giving me such flashbacks to like 2016/2017 (and prior on my dodie blog, only ogs will remember) when I used to constantly post about personal stuff,,, it was fun but also there are so many gross selfies of me on this site now lol

#I had fun on this blog about myself personally #on the dodie blog not so much but that was because I was going through a BAD time and I had so many people following me to watch it happen #lol #oh to be 14 and clinically depressed d #if we’ve been mutuals for a very long time then you may also know me as doddlepoddle lol #I deleted and made this blog and have avoided dodie at all costs since because it hurts my soul too much to think about #like that blog and dodie were my life at one point and I’m thankful for the community and the friends and I needed it at the time #but good gosh that was not a healthy fixation and now even the thought of dodie sends me right back to being #15 heartbroken lonely depressed and in high school lol oops #but I love this blog so much more now bc it’s just shits and giggles and pretty stuff #and now I’ve got fun new mutuals :) than I love :) #I’m looking at u Otto in particular (not that you’ll read these lol) thanks for buying those stuff from my Etsy #you basically paid for my antibiotics that I couldn’t afford lolllllllll #idk man I’m having a day of reflection and looking back and I’m in the best place physically and mentally than I’ve ever been right now #I lost sight of that for a couple of weeks but my brain is never gonna be perfect so that’s always gonna happen #I just have to keep reminding myself <3 #also rewatching buffy <3 my beloved and gotta tell you I’m having so much fun #I’m gonna talk to my dissertation supervisor to see if I can talk about it in my dissertation because I think it would link rly well #I’m doing that way horror has helped to create a queer identity #being gay and ‘other’ are synonymous and vampires have always been fruity #and there’s so many times where #gay is in buffy not even just Tara and willow ya kno I just love it

[taskuraketti]

Alright y’all are gonna hear some Personal Feelings because it has been a week and none of you can stop me. I first heard about asexuality when I was like 15, and it felt so good. I had felt a disconnect from my friends for a while by then and finding out there was a name for how I saw relationships and what I felt about them was monumental for me. It is only very recently that I started thinking I was bi as well (had a lot of “friendship crushes” and “damn she’s like really pretty and nice and cool and I want to spend all my time with her. But like... in a platonic way”) and before that I was a “cishet ace” I was actually really comfortable with that for a long time, and I followed a blog largely bc they said they were ace and I didn’t know anyone who was ace. They stopped identifying as ace and were instead a lesbian, but I kept following them because I liked them and we had a lot of similar interests. However, in the last year I noticed them getting more exclusionary and aphobic until it got to the point where I had to unfollow them because it was very upsetting to me. A common thing I’ve notice online is that the whole ace community will be blamed for the actions of one person, or concept, and one of the common things I noticed at the time was people who used to identify as ace and then later as gay and not ace was that they felt that them identifying as ace was a result of internalised homophobia, and that the ace community was to blame for that because they encouraged people to id as ace. Even more recently the entire ace community has been criticised very harshly for the existence of the Split Attraction Model and how it’s use by non-aces/aros can be harmful to the wider LGBT+ community. And that is getting a lot of traction to the point where I’m seeing it on my dash, and people calling for the exclusion of aces as a result, saying we aren’t allowed in unless we also identify as another LGBT+ identity. I’ve seen some people get so angry at seemingly the existence of ace people in “their spaces” and that we haven’t been “oppressed enough” to be allowed. This kind of rhetoric is so upsetting (and wrong but that’s already been talked about) that it can drive ace people away from LGBT+ spaces. I was too scared to join the LGBT+ society at my uni because I was genuinely worried that I wouldn’t be allowed because I was “just ace”. Then, even when I saw that an ace person was on the committee I was worried about what other members would say. So I never joined. But it turns out it’s not something I needed to worry about! Because it’s almost entirely just a problem online. I’ve never met anyone in real life who had an issue with it and realising that? Made me feel amazing. It is a minority of LGBT+ people who hate aces and don’t believe they’re “allowed” in the community, though it is a veeerrryyy vocal minority.

A final thought: for my dissertation this year I helped with a large study on relationships, with a focus on collecting as diverse a sample as possible. On the intake questionnaire, there was a question asking you to indicate your sexuality. And asexual was an option! My supervisor (an amazing woman who I love to bits) wanted to cover every orientation so that everyone was included. And it isn’t abnormal now for studies to include it as an option, I spent a year focusing on relationships research, past and present, and pretty much the only place you will encounter people who don’t think aces are part of the LGBT+ community is online. And while they may be hateful and aggressive, they are the minority.

#its late and im done #i might delete this in the morning we shall see #but to any ace person out there #you are valid #and i love you #aphobia

[tiredandineffable]

The (Rule Breaking) Kiss

Still behind on fictober (this is entry #6), but I am hoping to catch up after my exam this Thursday. Wish me luck! Also, with regards to texting styles, I am somehow both Crowley and Aziraphale in this.

This is a continuation of the past two entries (part 1 and part 2). As of right now, I’m planning for this thing to have a total of 5 parts. 

Thank you to my amazing beta, @eunyisadoran!

Rated G

Summary for the whole work: Aziraphale just wanted to get her parents off her back about her love life. She did not plan on falling in love with her best friend and fake girlfriend along the way. Nor did she plan on getting fake engaged. But such is life, she supposes. Ineffable wives, fake dating au that Escalates to fake engagement au. All around, a good time to be had.

...................................

Aziraphale sits in the kitchen, ignorant to the happenings of world and her breakfast in favour of reading through the same page over and over, hoping to spot something new. Her dissertation is nearly in flames and all she can do is hope that there’s something, anything she might have missed. Is this a metaphor? Is it an autobiographical tidbit? What does Wilde want of me? Long fingers brush along her cheek and she just barely begins to process her surroundings when she feels a soft kiss against her forehead.

“Going out for the day?” Aziraphale has no idea how to handle these endearments so early in the morning. Does my voice sound as tight as it feels? Am I blushing? Can Crowley tell how much these dumb little acts of not-love affect me?

“Got a grocery list to run through, stockpile our fridge before the real holiday celebrations kick up and your mom gets mad at me for skipping chores,” Crowley says, throwing a tea bag into a travel mug of water and shoving it into the microwave before leaning in for a kiss.

It should have been sweet and short like the multitude of other kisses they’d shared just that week. They had done this for three years because that’s what respectable suburban couples did when attempting to remind everyone that they were together. But Aziraphale’s hand comes up to her cheek and Crowley presses a tinge more firmly and before either of them can really process what’s happening, it’s a kiss. Crowley’s lips part and Aziraphale’s hand tangles into those unfairly perfect curls to pull her in closer.  It’s easy to ignore the world, to ignore the fact that her mom is literally one door away in the living room, to ignore the fact that none of this is real. This isn’t a kiss anymore, it’s bordering on a make out session. A make out session they cannot, should not be having because this relationship isn’t real.

Shit.

Her hand detangles itself from Crowley’s hair to push her slightly back, to keep her at arm’s length. The way Crowley looks now is utterly unfair, like a muse made up of mussed curls, slightly parted lips, and utter confusion. But then something clicks in Crowley. She grabs the long forgotten, likely oversteeped tea and turns on her heel.

“Gotta get those groceries!”

……………….

Crowley is an idiot. She is an absolute idiot and she is acutely aware of it as she sits in her car, noticeably not shopping for groceries. The groceries were not a lie so much as they were a volunteer excursion used to get out of the house. She could pick up the things Aziraphale’s mother wanted, Aziraphale’s breakfast ingredients, and late snacks to cover the last of their grading. Most importantly, she could take some time to herself to examine what the hell she is actually doing.

Good question. What the hell happened back there?

It's all over, she’s sure of it. There’s no chance in hell Aziraphale will let this keep going after Crowley so obviously overstepped a boundary. They had rules around these things, around what they were willing to do. These rules were in place for a reason, protecting their friendship from the inevitable weirdness of pretending to date. Crowley had even contributed to a good chunk of them herself.

“Fuck,” she groans, letting her head fall to the steering wheel. She had one job. All she had to do was be relatively normal. She had to ride out this weird wave of pretending to date someone she loves and then maybe get to a point where she could tell Aziraphale the truth. If there was any chance whatsoever with Aziraphale, it’s definitely gone now. She’s pissed probably. That wasn’t overstepping a boundary, that was literally somersaulting over the fucking line like no problem. She runs a hand through her hair in frustration and just tries not to cry. Seems she’s been doing that a lot lately.

A short blip of the X-Files theme song interrupts her self-pity 80’s playlist, signalling the arrival of a much feared text from Aziraphale. She takes a breath, closes her eyes. She’ll deal with it. Whatever is in that text, she can handle it. Most definitely. Absolutely. She is a grad student, for fucks sake. She had done one of her best conference presentations while hungover, hungry, and jet lagged. She has handled flaky supervisors and demanding undergrads. She can handle one basic text from her best friend.

From: <3 Aziraphale <3

“Crowley, can we talk?”

Sent at: 11:45 AM

Nope. Crowley cannot handle this text. She can handle lots of things, including grad school, but she cannot handle this text. This is it. Oh fuck this is it. Aziraphale is going to kick her out of her life and Crowley is going to have to finish this dissertation and grade terrible undergrad papers alone.

To: <3 Aziraphale <3

“yh sure man. gonna be home in 30”

Sent at: 11:45 AM

No more post-grading drunk movies. No more making crepes just because Aziraphale likes them. No more thoughtful notes from Aziraphale tucked in between the pages of Crowley’s books. No more Aziraphale talking her out of pre-presentation, conference-induced panic attacks. No more ordering ice cream through delivery services when either of them gets a publication rejected.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She grabs the list from the dashboard and all but slams the car door, ready for the fastest supermarket shop of her life.

……………….

“So, this morning…” Aziraphale doesn’t know how to phrase this. So this morning I kissed you and got so lost in it that I let myself go too far and now I’m just desperate to keep one of the best relationships I’ve ever had the privilege to have. Please don’t hate me.

“I apologize for this morning,” she says. “When we kissed.”

“Don’t need to apologize.” Crowley sets blueberries into the fridge, pancake mix into the pantry. “And yeah, I’m aware of what happened. Your point?”

Crowley is trying and failing to act normally. Aziraphale has known her long enough to know the meaning of too-high shoulders and tight-lipped smiles. She picks up on the way Crowley’s hands shake just slightly as she puts the milk in the fridge. When Crowley stands again to look at her, there’s the trademark anxiety stance: hands in her pockets and hips hyperextending. To the untrained eye, she is as aloof and nonchalant as always. But to Aziraphale, one of the only people to have seen Crowley break down in all of her 25 years of life, she’s not handling this well.

Of course she’s not. You’ve overstepped a huge boundary and she is more than permitted to respond in any way. Any consequences are a direct result of your own actions.

Now say something. Just go. Like ripping off a bandaid.

“I hope this won’t come to affect our relationship permanently.”

Because I don’t know what I’d do if it did.

Crowley goes back to putting away groceries but Aziraphale swears that she sees her sort-of-partner’s shoulders relax. Aziraphale sips on what is now her third mug of camomile tea since that morning.

“I’m good with forgetting it ever happened, if you are,” Crowley finally responds.

Thank you to whatever supernatural power is out there.

“Thank you, I would appreciate that.”

#ineffable idiots #ineffable wives #ineffable wives fanfiction #ineffable wives fic #ineffable wives fanfic #ineffable partners #crowley #aziraphale/crowley #aziraphale x crowley #crowley x aziraphale #Aziraphale #my writing #good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens fanfic #good omens fic #fictober #fictober19 #the 80s self pity playlist is real and I know that because I made it #hmu for the 80s self pity playlist

[therandomfics]

Coffee’s For Closers

“Large Americano for Justin!” You called out into the crowded cafe. It was the morning rush and you’d been non-stop for the past three hours, serving up drinks for a variety of brokers, students, teachers, cops.. everyone. Working in a coffee shop was not your idea of glamour or the path that you wanted to continue, but you needed a job while you finished up your PhD in Education, and your roommate had gotten you hired on at the shop. It was not idea, but it was convenient for the time being. 

“What time are you off?” your roommate, Emma, asked as she twirled around you to work on another order. She seemed more tired than usual, and you couldn’t recall seeing her last night. Maybe she’d been out a little later than you’d stayed awake. 

“Two. I came in at six,” you replied distractedly, pouring hazelnut syrup into an iced coffee, shaking it and putting it on the counter. “Medium iced hazelnut for Ginny! Have a great day!” 

“I’m off at 2:30. Wait for me?” 

“Yeah, of course. I didn’t drive though,” you reminded her and started another order. 

“I know I just need to talk to you about something.” She paused and looked at you for a moment, putting her hand on yours. “Please.” 

“I will, Emma, don’t worry. Let’s just get through the rest of the rush okay?” 

“Large coffee for Sonny!” You shouted, handing the cup to a tall, sandy haired man. 

“Thanks. Have a great day.” He took his cup and smiled before exiting the cafe. 

“He comes in here every morning,” you thought aloud. 

The supervisor, Adam, bumped your hip with his and smirked. “Yeah, he comes in to see me.” 

“I’m sure he does, honeybun,” you replied and rolled your eyes, putting another cup on the counter. “Small caramel latte for Clark! Enjoy!” 

The crew survived the rush, yourself included, and things were finally winding down. You were cleaning off tables, making sugar, stirrers, milk and cream were all fully stocked. Four in the afternoon was usually when you started getting busy again, meaning it was your responsibility to make sure things were in order before you left for the day. When you walked into the back to grab another stack of cups and lids, you found Emma sitting in between two racks, her face in her hands as she sobbed. 

“Emma?” You stared down at her and put your supplies down. “Babe what’s wrong?” 

She looked up at you, eyes bloodshot from crying. “I just don’t feel that great.” 

“Alright, no worries. Do you want some water? Something to eat?” you offered, kneeling down in front of her. 

She shook her head. “No, I don’t think that’s going to help.” 

“What will?” 

“Kenny raped me last night.” 

You swayed and nearly fell onto your butt, but steadied yourself and placed your hands atop hers. “I’m taking you to the police right now.” 

“Hi, can I help you?” A uniformed officer at the reception desk greeted you, turning to face you and the incredibly emotional Emma. 

“Yes, sir. My friend was raped last night by her boyfriend,” you explained, arm securely around your roommate’s shoulders. 

He motioned for you to follow him and introduced you two two detectives, Rollins and Tutuola. You explained once more the reason for your visit and assured Emma that it was alright, letting her go so that she could speak to Detective Rollins privately. Detective Tutuola asked you to sit down at his desk so that he could ask you a few questions as well, and you quickly obliged. 

“Can you tell me anything about what happened miss..?” He asked, pulling out a notepad and a pen. 

You shook your head dismally. “My name is Y/N Kennedy. She’s my roommate, Emma. I went to bed pretty late last night but she wasn’t home yet, so I just assumed she was with her boyfriend, Kenny. She spends most of her time with him. We work together, too, at Scared Grounds on 34th. I found her crying in the stock room and that’s when she told me. She literally said Kenny raped me last night.” 

“Stay here for a few minutes, let me see what’s going on,” he instructed and stood up from his desk, leaving you in the chair to stare absently at your feet, eyes wandering slowly. In the trash can across the room, you saw one of the cups from work sitting on top of a mound of crumpled paper. Sonny. You wondered if it was your frequent flyer that Adam had staked a claim on, or if it was just a coincidence. 

“Miss Kennedy,” Detective Tutuola called out, waving you over. “Emma’s gonna be taken to the hospital now, and she wants to know if you’ll go with her.” 

“Of course, yeah,” you replied quickly and adjusted the strap of your bag on your shoulder. You had a dissertation to work on, but you knew that nothing was more important than Emma right now. “Should I take the subway there? I don’t know how this works, I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it, hopefully this isn’t something you have to get used to. You can ride in the squad car that way you’re with her the whole time,” he explained, and handed you his card. “If you think of anything else, give me a call.” 

At the hospital while Emma was in the exam room, you got on the phone and called your supervisor to explain that there was an emergency and that Emma wouldn’t be reporting to work the next day. You were scheduled off, but explained that you wouldn’t able to cover her shift, either. When pushed for answers, you calmly explained that it wasn’t your business to tell him, and Emma would explain more later. 

“Y/N Kennedy?” A voice called out as you hung up the phone and locked the screen. It was a familiar face that greeted you when you turned to face the direction of the noise. 

“That’s me.” 

You both regarded one another for a long moment before he finally wiped the look of confusion from his face. “I’m Detective Carisi. You’re Emma’s roommate?” 

“I am, yes,” you confirmed with a nod. “How can I help?” 

“We need your permission to search the apartment. Emma is going to be in exam for a while since they’re doing a few different labs.” 

“Yeah, sure, I guess? Why do you need to search the apartment when Emma’s the victim here? Shouldn’t you be searching Kenny’s apartment? He’s a fucked up guy.” You folded your arms and frowned at the Detective. 

“He might be, but right now he’s claiming that he was involved with you and Emma both, and that Emma’s acting out in rage because she found out about you guys last night. He said it was consensual and that she changed her mind once she got home and realized that he was hooking up with you, too,” he explained. 

Your face fell into a scowl, brows knitted tightly and nose scrunched. “That’s the furthest thing from the truth. Look, I don’t know what kind of evidence you’d find to disprove his ludicrous story, but have at it. I don’t think there’s anything out of the ordinary or suspicious in the apartment.” 

“I need you to come with me, then. You’re giving consent to the search, you have to be there,” he explained, waving his hand in front of him to indicate that you should start walking. 

“I’d like to be here when Emma’s released,” you countered, not moving. 

“Miss Kennedy, your roommate is going to be here overnight. She’s got some more serious issues than we first thought.” 

“Will you bring me back here, then, when you’re done with your search?” you questioned with an arched brow. “I guess that doesn’t matter, I can get a cab here. I’d rather not sleep in that apartment anyway.” 

“I’ll bring you back here, yeah. Let’s go,” he insisted and placed his hand on the small of your back to push you gently towards the elevator. 

#Sonny Carisi x Reader #Detective Carisi x Reader #Carisi X Reader #SVU Fanfiction #Sonny Carisi Fanfiction #Carisi Fanfiction #Sonny Carisi

[kxrdej]

A year in review of the guys I dated this year

First of all, I would like to thank my ex-boyfriend Shaun for ending our relationship because without him this post would not be possible. Hi Shaun wish you well sorry for accidentally changing your name to dickhead on messenger. I don’t have a good enough reason as to why I did that besides the fact I thought it was funny, and I forgot messenger notifies you when people are given nicknames *slowly dies from regret*. I don’t know why I’m doing this but I’m bored as fuck, tipsy and I don’t have any plans for NYE so fuck it. Here we go: 

1. Nathan, you were my first ever date after I broke up with ex so I hope you feel fucking special. I would also like to apologise for sleeping with you on our first date. In all honesty I did not plan that all (maybe just a little bit) but I  thought you would not actually like me at all so I just said to myself “meh, why not”. That hook up wasn’t that bad to be honest, wish it lasted longer (hehe) but I rate it. You were great at the start, and then you kept on making up excuses every fucking time I wanted to do something with you so I got the hint (even though you said you wanted to see me again but ok). I’m still a bit salty after you told me you were so busy one night and you said that you couldn't speak to me at all but as soon as I went online on League of Legends I saw you playing which kind of triggered me a bit. No hard feelings though, I still think I went on a date too early when I was still a few months fresh off a break up. 

2. Ben, BEN…..BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN!!! I honestly fucking think we would’ve been together if you stayed in Swansea after you graduated and if you didn’t leave for China. That coffee date is probably still one of my favourite dates I’ve ever been on. I know we still talk and shit and I tell you some of my problems over Snapchat even though you’re like a million fucking miles away from me but just come back to Swansea for fuck sake. 

3. Okay I’m pretty sure it was George next (I think). Our date was nice, and we sort of clicked because we’re both basic Starbucks bitches. I don’t know who’s idea was it to go and have Jamaican food but that definitely was a good one. I think the highlight of that day was when the waiter thought I was chatting up a girl on my phone when he saw my screen when I was paying (lmao), and both of us just stared at each other like what the fuck is going on. We still talk from time to time, wish we could hang out more but you live in Bay now and I can’t be asked for that (jk). 

4. Jon, I don’t know if we ever classed our date as either romantic or friendly but I’ll talk about you anyway. I miss you! You’re so funny even though you knew I couldn’t understand you sometimes (Birmingham accent for those of you who are wondering). Even though our date wasn’t necessarily going to lead to anything serious I still really had fun! That Mumbles date was 10/10. I can’t remember if we went on more dates  but I know we “met up” a few times after that…..I definitely had a good time during them as well though! Haha. 

5. Wahaca boy, I honestly can’t even remember your name because I only went on a date with you because I really wanted to find an excuse to eat at Wahaca. Sorry m8. You weren’t for me but you were nice just little bit too nice for my liking. (Edit - I REMEMBER HIS NAME WAS SIMEON)

6. For the sake of discretion, and I don’t want to disrespect you because you’re not out; I shall call you Nick. We didn’t really go on dates but we planned to after our fuck sessions. The reason why I placed you on this list is because we had a thing but it was complicated I get it. I just wished you weren’t such an utter fucking twat to me near the end like I should’ve listened when you told me to “stay away” from you every time you drunk texted me. Saying that, I would like to apologise for being a rude to you at the end too. The only reason why I was like that was because I wanted to get back at you. I don’t regret watching Guardian’s of The Galaxy 2 without you if I’m honest, and I know it made you upset after I did that. You kind of deserved that one. You didn’t have to block me on everything though you dickhead (lol). I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but I’d like you to know you’re still my best fuck ayye lmao. 

7. Jason. Don’t say “I love you” on the first date. 

8. Luke, we never went on a date but you clearly have some issues. We were speaking for at least 3 weeks and I felt like I was already going out with an over controlling piece of shit. You threw you’re fucking phone and broke it because you didn’t have signal when you we’re on the phone to me. I’m so fucking glad I confronted you at the end after you got mad at me for “being too tired” and not wanting to speak to you that night. Jesus Christ. 

9. Owain, I know you knew as well that there was something missing during the few weeks we went on dates. I’m glad we managed to talk it out like adults and I’m happy you enjoyed the beach date I planned. Also, I know you told me to plan the same thing for another guy because it was good but you’ll be disappointed to hear I have yet to bring out the beach date after you. 

10. Rob, I’m not even going to waste time on you. Bye bitch. If anyone is reading this and they’re on Swansea Grindr, if you ever meet a guy named Rob who had just came back from Australia PLEASE STAY AWAY. 

11. Chris, the only thing we had in common was that Rob was dating you the same time he was dating me lmao. You were nice but you come off a bit too stuck up for me. Even though you said you wanted to be friends, I do not know why you gave me boring one worded answers on messenger every time I tried to talk to you. Are you just that boring when you’re replying? or are you just a twat? 

12. Ryan, I really enjoyed our Las Iguanas date not gonna lie! I don’t know why you still spoke to me after I mistaken the jug of water as vodka (I know). Why did we stop speaking? You were great! Ryan if you ever get to read this I’d like you to know you are my type on paper but you said you fell asleep during the first episode of Game of Thrones and that you haven’t seen any Marvel films so you kind of killed yourself there (I’m kidding).

13. Rhys, or was it Rice? Reece? Daddy? Zaddy? I still hate you for moving to Mexico (I’m kidding). I’m sorry, I know I looked really bad going on a date a few weeks after you left. Our dates were great. You’re great. I secretly wished you didn’t find a job for January but well done I’m proud of you senor. Thanks for introducing me to Drag Race. You basically turned me into basic gay queen and I appreciate that. Also, muchisimas gracias por tu tiempo. I haven’t used it on my dissertation supervisor yet but I will one day!

14. Last but not the least, Tom. I legitimately thought you were the one. Clearly I was wrong as I’m sat here during new year’s eve writing this cringe Tumblr post. I really do want you to know I’m not mad at you, and that I understand completely as to why you broke it off. You made made my whole December. We genuinely got along so well. You’re the first person that’s ever convinced me in 9 years to go ice skating again so you were pretty fucking special to me. I still feel bad that you paid for most of our dates but I really really appreciated it when you did. Also, I know you secretly hated when I’d surprise pay for some our dates ;). I just wished you communicated with me more, you know, during that week.I know you said you wanted to keep in touch but it’ll probably take me awhile to talk you again. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss you because I do. For some reason, this affected me more than when my ex’s broke up with me (sorry Shaun, and Cory). If you do read this, you can keep using my Spotify.

I probably had some really shit grammar during some of those but I never claimed to be good at writing. Also, I’ve had a few drinks before writing this so my head is a bit fuzzy. Also, don’t take this seriously I appreciate every one of the guys I’ve met this year even though a few of you are scum. If I missed out someone then most likely the date was forgettable. Sorry! 

Happy new year bitches! Here’s to a single, career driven, no time for men because I can live without one (for the mean time) 2018. 

(Edit - So I’m reading this again on new year’s day, back to my senses, no longer drinking 2 cups of Prosecco every 10 minutes, and I’m clearly noticing a lot of grammatical errors, typos, missing words etc. (SORRY ABOUT THAT). I made a few small changes to some of them to make it flow a bit better. I don’t really know why half-tipsy me addressed the whole thing to them rather than in third person but I guessed I wanted closure since half of you I ghosted, or I got ghosted. Also, for those of you who really know me you guys know I’m an intimate person. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say if you’re going through the same thing as I am and you’re in this cycle of non-stop dating, meeting, sleeping with guys or girls until you find the one and you’re struggling at it. Look I honestly get it. It’s fucking TOUGH AS SHIT. If only everything was as simple as ‘Hang the DJ’ (my favourite ever Black Mirror episode btw I cried a few times because relatable). It’s really not the end of world, and I know its lonely to be alone (unless you like you’re own company like me 90% of the time) but we’ll eventually find that person. It hurts you know that gut sinking feeling you get every time that new person decides to break it off, and you’re just sat there like “here we fucking go again back to square fucking one”. If you guys get me haha. If you’ve experienced the same thing or you’re going through a similar thing right now, I can’t give you good enough advice on how to get rid of it because you can’t unless you’re a robot or you’ve mastered the art of getting rid of feelings (teach me pls if you can). It’s all on time I guess. These guys/girls that you meet or go on dates with that decide to break it off with you after a few weeks. They’re just obstacles that you shouldn’t stress upon. I know everyone has gone through the same cycle of looking at your phone, checking their log in times, last active, snapchat location during or even after they’re dating that person (Hi Tom) but stop you’re doing nothing else besides hurting yourself. If you think that person is toying with you at the end then they’re not worth it. These people who just jump and jump on girls or guys, and just speaking to them just to sleep with them, or because they have nothing else to do besides adding you to their trophies, they’re not worth it. Stay away from dating apps (As I swipe through Tinder) they can be toxic (Grindr). Meet someone in real life. It’s hard but probably its better I don’t know. It’s hard to meet guys irl if you’re gay (lol). So if you’re going through the same thing as I am just hang in there, and be patient. It’s okay to feel shitty because I do but its okay we’ll get through. That anxiety you get of feeling unwanted I get it. Dan Harmon, the guy who made Rick and Morty, said some pretty good advice the past week. He said “Feelings are real, but they’re not reality”.  Focus on YOURSELF. Give yourself the time, effort, and attention you deserve. The best relief to all of this for me was spending time with my friends, and talking to them. So I advice you to do that too or eat. Eating is good.)

Also, if anyone is interested in what went down between me, Rob, and Chris. I’ll maybe write another post if people are interested. 

#newyear #2018 #lgbt #lgbtq #gay #relationship #advice #dating