#I’m afraid to post this fic I’ve been working on for THREE MONTHS and it’s 87k words

[theother-victoria]

WHAT ONCE WAS

SYNOPSIS: Accountability is a bitter pill to swallow, but what hurts more is being forgotten by the one he loves the most. As he rebuilds your relationship once more, Scaramouche has a difficult decision to make: have you live in blissful ignorance or admit the truth and risk everything falling apart again.

TAGS: angst w fluff, happy ending bc I’m not that cruel, major spoilers for the “Inversion of Genesis” interlude archon quest, scaramouche is referred to as “Ena” bc that’s the name I gave him, gn reader, 11.7k word count

NOTES: so this is where I’ve been for the past *checks calendar* three months

Here’s the in-depth explanation and analysis behind this fic if you want to read it afterward!

Watch me post this and then inevitably disappear for a few more 🫡

Scaramouche has been acting strange lately.

He’s been unusually silent like he’s pondering something and staring off into space most of the time. When you ask him about it, he shrugs your questions off and says it’s nothing.

“What’s on your mind, Scara?”

“Nothing. Just… thinking.”

And the conversations always end there. He makes no effort to elaborate and eventually, you stop digging for answers. Other than that, he still acts normally. He still has his sharp tongue and attitude. You still get into your daily fights and scuffles with him over nothing. You’d return home from work and he’d return home from whatever he was doing in the city (something along the lines of community service was what you managed to gather from the bits and pieces of information he told you). In a sense, everything was still the same. His sudden radio silence at times was startling, but nothing ever changed in your relationship as a result of it.

… But really, it’s kind of scary how intensely he zones out sometimes.

Then, everything changes one night.

You’re getting ready for bed with him while he stares out the window as usual. If you follow his line of sight, it leads to the Sanctuary of Surasthana. He’s been oddly fixated on that place lately and you haven’t been able to get an answer as to why.

You take a seat on the bed next to him. There’s a look in his eyes that tells you he’s plotting something- that there’s an idea brewing in his mind.

“Thinking again? What nefarious scheme are you plotting-”

You don’t even get the chance to tease him further before he pulls you into a tight hug. Normally, he’s nowhere near this affectionate, preferring to keep his distance even in your close relationship, but now he’s holding you close as if he’s afraid he’ll lose you otherwise.

“...Scara? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to give you a hug.”

His soft violet hair tickles your neck and you feel his hands absentmindedly tracing circles around your waist.

“Is there a reason as to why?”

“No. Just felt like it.”

You eye him suspiciously. As soon as it started, he pulls away from the hug and flicks your forehead.

“Go to sleep now. I’ll join you in a bit. Just… let me think for a bit longer.

“I love you.”

He says the last part like it’s nothing. It nearly gives you whiplash and you look at him strangely. He’s really lost his mind this time, hasn’t he? He almost never does that.

“What’re you gaping at me like that for? Go to sleep already.”

He lightly hits you over the head with a pillow before you can say anything else. You roll your eyes and with a huff, roll onto your side until you’re fast asleep within a few minutes.

Scaramouche doesn’t join you as he promised. Instead, he continues to stare out the window at the moon, his gaze occasionally flickering back to your sleeping figure. A rare expression of uncertainty crosses his face as he sinks deep into thought.

Is this really the right decision?

Time stretches out over an eternity. Hours pass and the moon rises higher into the sky. Scaramouche debates with himself, unsure of what to do.

This is a decision I can’t go back from.

Throughout his long life, he’s never been faced with a choice as difficult as this. Neither decision ends well for either of you. Deep down, he knew what the correct answer was, yet he refused to consider it for more than a few seconds.

What would he do if he lost everything all over again?

Time was running out. Scaramouche gets up to leave with his mind made up. Lying to himself wouldn’t do anything and Nahida was waiting for him. He plants a soft kiss on your cheek and stares at you longingly one last time before putting his hat on and heading out the door. It closes behind him with a silent click.

Whatever happens next, happens. He’ll witness the results of his actions tomorrow.

The next morning, you wake up feeling refreshed and your mind clearer than it’s ever been. It feels like you’ve been asleep for a very, very long time and you’ve just woken up.

And instantly, you notice something is off.

There are traces of another person everywhere. From the Inazuman-style clothes hanging in the closet that most definitely aren’t yours to the ink-wash paintings hanging on the wall, it’s evident that someone has influenced your life tremendously.

But who? Your mind is drawing up blanks as to who it could be.

When you get downstairs, it’s even more prominent. A pair of slippers that are too big for you by the stairwell. Books sitting on the bookshelf that after examining their titles and summaries, aren’t to your liking but are still there anyway. Traditional Inazuman sandals and shoes are lined up next to yours by the front door. None of it matches the vibe of your house and yet, they look as if they’ve been there forever, weathered and worn with time.

There’s a photo sitting on a side table in the living room that catches your attention. Upon closer inspection, it’s of you and a young man sitting side by side and posing for the camera. His attire is… unique. You can’t say you’ve seen anything quite like it before.

The first thing that catches your attention is the wide-brimmed hat he’s wearing. It’s ornate, with gold decorations and a veil in the back. His clothes seem like they cost a fortune and appear to be from Inazuma, similar to the ones hanging in your bedroom closet. A smirk plays across his face, yet there’s a gentle look in his eyes as he gazes at you smiling at the camera. An arm is slung around your shoulder, pulling you close.

Clearly, you have- or had?- some sort of special relationship with him according to this photo. But you don’t recognize his face. You can’t remember anything about this man. You don’t even know his name.

Who is he?

Someone knocks at the door. Three solid thumps against the wood and then silence. The sound echoes in your ears and you can feel yourself get up to answer the door. Why does it feel like you have no control over your body right now? Why does time feel like it’s moving so slowly?

Why are you so afraid of what awaits you on the other side of the door?

You open the door to reveal a young man waiting patiently. With a shock, you realize he’s the same man in the photo. He has the same fair skin, the same eyes, and the same blunt haircut.

(He’s even prettier up close and in person.)

He’s changed quite a bit too. His attire is different now. He wears an open-chested kimono with a black bodysuit underneath and pleated shorts. The furisode kimono is dyed in shades of blue and white that resemble the sky and small birds are depicted on the long sleeves as if they are taking to the skies. His hat has lost the veil, but it’s more ornate and now resembles a lotus, the metal gleaming in the late afternoon sun. More surprisingly is the Anemo vision pinned proudly to his robes. By the looks of it, it seems as if he built his entire outfit around it.

But what surprises you the most is his face. He seems… unburdened now. Like a heavy weight has been lifted from his shoulders for the first time.

There’s a look of trepidation on his face and a small spark of hope in his eyes as he meets your gaze.

“... Can I help you?”

The spark of hope quickly dies at your response. His face is crestfallen, yet all he does is let out a resigned sigh.

“I’m a lost traveler that’s in need of a place to stay. Do you mind if I stay at your house for a little while?”

You glance back at the photo, then back at him. Under any other circumstances, you would have said no, but this time…

“Of course. But I don’t know your name yet.”

He pauses for a moment. His gaze darts around like he was searching for an answer- or several answers. You’re beginning to wonder if you said the wrong thing before he chuckles and smiles, finally relaxing.

“What you call me doesn’t matter. Call me anything you want.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

He huffs a sigh. Persistent as always, he thinks.

“Others call me Wanderer. Call me that if you’re strapped for ideas.”

“Wanderer…”

It’s an interesting name for sure. In your opinion, it really can’t be considered a name. It’s more suited for a description.

“That’s quite the interesting name you’ve got there, but it’s awkward to say and isn’t really suited for a name.”

“If you don’t like it, call me something else then,” he retorts. You ignore the remark and mentally go through the limited collection of Inazuman names you know of. None of them are suitable until a long-forgotten one hits you out of the blue.

“Hmm… how about the name Ena?”

“Ena,” he repeats to himself, trying the name on for size. To your surprise, you watch as his scowl melts into a grin and his eyes soften. His eyes shine with delight and he lets out a little chuckle.

“Meaning ‘gift from god’. I like it.”

I wouldn’t consider myself that, he thinks. Far from it, actually. But if that’s what you think I am, then I’ll believe it wholeheartedly.

“And by the way, Ena is a girl’s name.”

Your eyes go wide with shock.

“I-really? Wait, I’m sorry for-!”

You’re interrupted by his unabashed laughter at your dumbfounded expression. The smug look on his face tells you that he got the desired reaction out of you.

“You should’ve seen your face! It’s so easy to get you worked up over nothing, you know?”

“Stop pulling my leg like that!”

For some reason, this kind of argument with him over nothing feels… familiar. You push the thought to the side and storm away, huffing and puffing in irritation.

“Whatever. Come inside and make yourself at home. Just don’t make a mess of anything.”

Ena goes quiet and his wistful gaze lingers on the spot you were just a few moments ago. He lets out a drawn-out sigh and an unwelcome, though familiar, feeling tugs at the heart he now knows he has. Was it regret? Sorrow? Longing for something so close yet so far, barely out of touch?

Whatever it was, the full weight of his actions had finally hit him. Karma had finally come back to make him pay. He lifts his Anemo vision up and eyes it. It glows in response and he scoffs.

… He can’t say he misses the feeling of it.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow- accountability and the uncertainty of the future. He glances inside your house and sighs before shaking his head and heading inside.

You’re just as lovely as the day I lost you.

The next day, he has an interesting idea. You were eating breakfast around the table with him not-so-subtly criticizing your cooking skills and you telling him to “make his own if it’s so bad then.” He had scoffed and said he’ll take you up on that offer.

(This scene feels strangely domestic and familiar…)

Ena pushes his (empty) bowl to the side. There’s that look in his eyes that tells you he’s up to no good. How you managed to recognize it after less than a day with him, you have no idea.

“How would you like to travel the world with me?”

You pause and stare at him blankly.

“What?”

“You heard me. How would you like to travel the world? I’m sure you’ve always wanted to do that, right?”

“With you in the way? No thanks.”

He scowls at that and flicks your forehead. You yelp in pain and bat his hands away before turning and staring out the window for a bit.

“But all jokes aside, you’re right. I’ve always wanted to travel the world ever since I was little.”

You pause and bite your lip before giving him a suspicious look.

“First off, why are you offering this?”

He rolls his eyes and laughs.

“I just thought it’d be pretty pathetic if you died without ever seeing the world. Plus, I wanted to-”

He stops himself from saying anything else just in time. You stare at him strangely and he brushes you off. It’s your turn to roll your eyes now as you gather the dishes and begin washing them.

I wanted to show you the places I once took you to that you’ve now forgotten, was what he wanted to say. How will you react now that we’ve started over? Will you react with wonder at the dazzling lights of Liyue Harbor? Laugh and dance happily amongst the wide expanse of grassy plains in Mondstadt? Go silent with awe at the solemn rule of the Shogun in Inazuma?

He silently laughs at himself. He’s become weaker ever since he met you all those years ago. Not like he minded.

You’ve finished the dishes and you’re staring at him with an idea brewing in your head.

“So what I’m hearing is an offer for a free vacation with no strings attached.”

Your tone is mischievous and there’s that shit-eating grin on your face he knows all too well. Ena groans and rolls his eyes in faux annoyance.

“If that’s how you want to think of it, then yes.”

You snicker victoriously and it’s all he can do to not go over and (lovingly) flick your forehead as hard as he can.

“But what about money? A trip around the world is going to cost a fortune, right? Plus, there’s my small business I have to worry about. It’s my only means of income…”

Ena waves a hand at you. “Don’t worry about the money. I’ll handle it. Focus on making sure everything’s in order for the house and your business.”

I’ve got more Mora than I know what to do with, thanks to my time in the Fatui.

He looks over his shoulder at you.

“I recommend you pack your bags as soon as possible. We leave when everything is done and ready.”

The first nation he takes you to is Mondstadt, the land of freedom. A warm breeze brushes your skin as you step foot into the city, carrying with it the scent of dandelion wine and the familiar feeling of well-wishes.

The city is so lively. Children and teenagers chase each other down the cobblestone streets. A crowd of people gathers around a small child selling flowers, the sweet fragrance of them making its way over to you. The colorful banners strung overhead between buildings flutter in the wind. A group of adventurers pass by you and give you bright grins.

“A pair of travelers, eh? Welcome to Mondstadt!”

A bard clad in green sings and plays his lyre to a captive audience by the fountain in the city square. The smell of freshly-cooked food from Good Hunter on your left tempts you and through the door, you can hear the clink of bottles being toasted and the cheers of rowdy but good-natured patrons.

You feel Ena tug on your sleeve. He’s grinning at you mischievously.

“Come on, slowpoke, we’re not stopping here. There’s more to see than just the city.”

The next few weeks pass by in a blur.

Soon after your arrival in Mondstadt, he takes you to the Thousand Winds Temple on the eastern coast of Mondstadt as the first stop. Stone arches tower above your head and you have to crane your neck upwards to see the end of the pillars that seem to stretch upward forever. The sheer size of the temple makes you feel almost insignificant, but ivy and fauna have slowly reclaimed it with overgrowth rampant everywhere. It’s nothing more than crumbling ruins at this point, but it must’ve been beautiful centuries ago.

… Still, you’re a little confused as to why he would bring you all the way out here just to see a dilapidated temple.

“Is there a specific reason why you brought us here?”

“Nothing really, other than that it has quite a long history.”

“I didn’t take you for the scholarly type, Ena.”

“Shut up.”

You begin to curiously explore the temple. Parts of it are locked behind gates and no matter what you do, you can’t get them to budge. You manage to climb over some walls onto what appears to be the stairs and take a seat there. From here, you have a better view of the temple and you try to piece together what it used to look like. Eventually, you come to the realization that it must’ve resembled an amphitheater.

Meanwhile, Ena strides across the arena and comes to a stop, facing the sea. His coming here was purely for selfish reasons.

This was where I first met you. I was on a mission in Mondstadt to investigate some strange occurrences that had been happening. Back then, you were still a student in the Akademiya researching these ruins. We had run into each other accidentally and immediately started arguing over some petty matter and were practically at each other’s throats.

He looks over his shoulder to see you attempting to scale a pillar to reach the elemental monument above and quietly laughs at the sight. He’s glad that you can’t see the fond smile stretching across his face.

You’re still the same fool now as you were back then. Some things in life never change, do they?

On another day, he brings you to Starsnatch Cliff late at night. You grumble and curse at him for disturbing your sleep the entire time, to which he tells you to shut up after being chased by monsters several times.

(You keep your mouth shut after that.)

Ena uses his Anemo vision to quickly fly to the edge of the cliff and avoid the grueling upwards hike. You, on the other hand, are forced to make the trek and arrive several minutes later, panting in exhaustion.

“You’re too slow.”

“Not my fault that I don’t have a handy vision to help me out,” you snap back as you take a seat next to him. The cool evening breeze tickles your skin and you lie on your back to see the stars and the moon. There’s not a single cloud in the sky and you can see the arm of the galaxy that stretches across the night sky in a twinkling display of stars and stardust.

“Now I see why you dragged me out this late. The view is beautiful.”

“I told you.”

You glare at him in response and begin picking the Cecilia flowers that grow on the cliff to make a flower crown with them. Ena only rolls his eyes at the action and lies down to look at the sky.

The second time I met you was here, not long after our first encounter. You were doing the same thing- making flower crowns. When I asked you what you were doing, you gave it to me. Quite the bold move, considering I could’ve ended your life at any moment. Although…

He looks back at you lying sprawled out like a starfish in the grass and holding the finished flower crown in your hands. Your eyes meet his gaze and you wordlessly place it on his head. You giggle at the sight and the blush that creeps across his face as he glares at it.

“It suits you! You look even prettier with it.”

Your eyes shine with a mix of amusement and adoration. To Ena, your smile rivals the brilliance of the moon above and he swears he can feel his heart skip a beat all over again.

Although, how could I have even considered that thought? Especially when you looked at me back then the same way you do now?

Midway through your stay in Mondstadt, he brings you to the famed Angel’s Share for some drinks while subsequently making fun of your inability to hold your alcohol.

“What, can’t even handle wine?”

“Shut up,” you cough out- or rather, slur out with the alcohol getting to you. A blue-haired man sitting at the other end of the table pretends to not hear you, but you can see his shoulders shaking as he tries to stifle his laughs.

With the sweet taste of the tavern’s renowned Dandelion Wine, you didn’t expect it to pack that much of a punch. Your face is already flushed and you can feel just how unbearably warm you are. With a groan, you rest your head against the cool surface of the table and sigh in relief. Ena rolls his eyes and finishes the rest of your drink in one go.

“Seriously, how are you still fine after all of those drinks you had? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have an inhuman alcohol tolerance,” you grumble.

A thin glass of apple cider is placed in front of you by the bartender. You instantly recognize it as a drink for sobering up and Ena cackles at the realization scrawled all over your face.

“Come on. Finish that and we’ll go back to our place.”

He ends up having to carry you on his back. You passed out while you were still in the bar and now you’re sleeping peacefully, occasionally mumbling nonsensical things as you dream. Ena grumbles and curses you out all the while, but it lacks any real scorn.

Many months later, I came back to Mondstadt and found you in a drunken stupor here. You had just dropped out of the Akademiya and were worried about what you’d do now and dreaded having to return to Sumeru. You had drunk so much that you passed out and I ended up having to carry you back to your place.

He looks back at your sleeping figure and sighs.

“The past likes to repeat itself, huh? And your alcohol tolerance hasn’t improved one bit since then.”

Really, it made for a comical sight. The Sixth Fatui Harbinger, capable of striking fear into the hearts of the masses, carrying an Akademiya dropout who’d cried and drank themselves to sleep back to their house like some sort of gentleman? Most people would laugh at that.

His hand grasps yours as he looks back on the past that only he remembers now.

Lost in thought, he misses how you gently squeeze his hand in return.

On the very last day of your stay in Mondstadt, Ena waits until sunset to drag you to the Church of Favonius. He carefully led you around the vigilant eyes of the Knights and passersby until you were at the back of the church. You weren’t expecting this to be your final stop and you stare at him, confused.

“Just trust me, ok?”

You don’t get a chance to respond before he scoops you up into his arms and soars into the air with the help of his vision.

“Wha-hey!” you shout as you nervously flail around. “What’re you doing?”

“Be quiet!” he hisses. “Do you want people to hear us?”

Ena quickly sets you down on a ledge atop a spire and you go silent. From here, you have a perfect view over all of Mondstadt, from the sprawling city before you all the way out to the great oak tree in Windrise and the Statue of the Seven shining beneath it, and everything in between. The skies are clear and Mondstadt is bathed in a rosy pink glow.

“Don’t fall off now,” he teases as you lean forward.

“How did you find this spot?” you ask. He looks off to the side as if embarrassed to admit the truth.

“I saw the Traveler and a girl in red up here one day. They seemed to be enjoying the view so I stowed the idea away for later.”

That was half the truth. Not like you’d remember the other half of it anyway.

You were awfully persistent back then, he thinks as he watches you sneeze when a cluster of dandelion seeds blow past, carried along by the winds. Hanging around with a Fatui Harbinger like it was nothing and having the gall to talk to me like we were equals. I seriously thought you had no sense of danger back then. Or maybe you just had a death wish.

One day, you had offhandedly told me that a view over all of Mondstadt could be seen atop the spires of the Church of Favonius. The look in your eyes implied that you wanted to see it for yourself. You thought it was a great idea. I thought you were insane.

But I managed to make it work after happening to see someone else do it. Late at night, we snuck up here together to go stargazing. We had a beautiful view that night. The sky was clear and all the stars were visible. But it wasn’t the sky or the stars that caught my attention- it was the look in your eyes.

For a moment, I saw everything I ever wanted reflected in them.

You swing your legs in contentment as a flock of birds flies past you. Ena eyes you nervously as you sit precariously close to the edge and reaches out to gently grasp your wrist.

“... Is something the matter?”

“You’re sitting too close to the ledge. Move back a bit.”

“Didn’t know you were such a mother hen.” But you do as he says.

You gaze upon him fondly and there it is again- the look that stole his heart. You looked at him as if he was your entire world. He would do anything to have you look at him like that for just a little while longer.

“(Name)?”

“Yes?”

“Can we stay like this just a little longer?”

“Of course.”

The sky begins to darken and the temperature starts to drop. The people of Mondstadt gradually head home one by one until the streets are deserted, but above it all, you and Ena are lost in your own world- one that only he now remembers.

The seasons have changed. Summer has faded and it’s colder now. The days are shorter, much to your displeasure. Almost all vegetation has died out- the tree branches are stripped bare of leaves and a light dusting of snow from earlier covers the ground. There’s a light crunching sound as you walk, leaving footprints behind.

You shiver as a cold breeze passes by and without missing a beat, Ena gives you his scarf. He wraps it around you and tightens it securely before tugging at your coat zipper to make sure it’s zipped up all the way. He nods in satisfaction.

“Keep it. You need it more.”

You pass by a Statue of the Seven and head down some ice-coated stone steps. The horizon is bright and as you look up from the ground, you see why. Liyue Harbor is aglow with warm orange lights and countless paper lanterns float in the air, scattered throughout the sky.

Ena looks over your shoulder at the glowing port.

“We’re in luck. We made it just in time for the Lantern Rite.”

You hear a smidge of smugness in his voice.

“In luck, you say? Something tells me you planned this,” you tease. Already, you can feel a rush of excitement bubbling up as you grab him by the wrist and pull him along with you toward the city.

“Who knows? Maybe I did.”

The entire harbor is decorated for Liyue’s biggest festival of the year. Red paper lanterns and bundles of firecrackers hang at the corners of businesses and houses alike. Spring couplets and squares of red paper with the character for “fortune” are pasted onto doors everywhere you look. A group of children runs past you waving sparklers to celebrate and the mother of one opens the door to call her child in for dinner.

A storyteller tells the tale of how the Lantern Rite came to be as you run through the stone streets. Aided by the folding screen behind him that depicts a panorama of Liyue in the past, his rich voice and reenactments of scenes captivate his starry-eyed audience that hangs onto every word. An amber-eyed man listens intently, a peaceful expression washing over his handsome face as if he is recalling pleasant memories of days gone by. The sweet scents of steamed rice, caramelized sugars and smoke, and various fragrant spices hit your nose as you pass by a restaurant across the street with a long line of people waiting to order outside. A girl with short blue hair runs out of the kitchen, carrying several plates of food to the establishment with the storyteller.

“Excuse me! Coming through!”

A small stall wedged in the space between the restaurant and another building harks its goods to passersby.

“Cheap and tasty chop suey! Special Lantern Rite deal- half off of everything!”

The path curves down from there, leading to the shipping and loading docks of the port. You go past that toward where everyone is gathered. You gasp and momentarily, you go speechless. It’s simply gorgeous. You have no other way to describe it.

Lotus-shaped lights illuminate the pathway and golden lanterns are strung about, bathing you and Ena in an orange glow. Parasols of every shape and color hang from the scaffolding above, casting shades of color across your faces. An old man off to the side adds some last-minute touches to the giant puppet head that will be used for tonight’s dragon dance. You catch a glimpse of it as you pass by and it is a true labor of love, painstakingly crafted down to the tiniest detail. The performers for said dance rehearse the complicated choreography to your left, running in circles and weaving in and out of each other to the point where your eyes hurt from watching. Stalls and vendors sell a variety of goods- street food, paper lanterns to release into the sky, firecrackers, decorations, toys for children, and flowers with auspicious meanings among many other things.

The heavy crowds and sounds of cheer and festivities make you almost forget about the chilling mid-winter cold. Ena disappears for a second and reappears with a bundle of flowers that he swiftly tucks behind your ear.

“Hmm? What flower is this?”

“They’re peach blossoms.”

You shoot a glance at the pale pink blossoms and smile as a thank-you before returning back to the celebration. He stifles a laugh upon your reaction. Clearly, you were unaware of the symbolism behind the flowers.

Peach blossoms symbolize romance. It’s often gifted by young people, as they believe it will bring romantic luck.

(He mentally thanks Nahida for forcing him to go to school. Some of the stuff he learned there was actually helping him.)

To your right, two girls perform on an illuminated stage, one singing while the other plays the guitar to the thunderous applause of the audience. You sneak past the crowd to admire the Mingxiao lantern the size of a parade float that towers above everyone behind the stage. It depicts a gold and red goose (an Adeptus?) taking to the skies, with the jagged peaks of Liyue in blue behind it. A yellow whole moon partially hides behind the tallest one and wisps of fog obscure the ground and lazily wind around the mountaintops.

The energy of the crowd has been palpable ever since you got here, but it increases now as you look toward where everyone else’s gaze is directed at- the sky.

“Hurry, it’s about to start!”

“Over here, over here! I saved this spot before anyone else could get it!”

Mere moments later, a loud boom goes off and an orange firework explodes in the sky. Then another one. And another one. The fireworks show has started and while they are beautiful, you’re having a difficult time enjoying it while everyone else is jostling for a view. Unfortunately, that means you can’t see much of anything either…

You feel a sharp tug at your wrist and look back to see Ena trying to squeeze his way through the crowd without losing his hat and being crushed alive.

“I know of a spot. Follow me!”

With much difficulty and after almost getting your ribs crushed, you break free of the crowd. Ena hoists you onto his shoulders and speeds through the now-empty streets with the help of his vision, carefully avoiding the Millileth stationed.

“You seem to be enjoying this position,” you offhandedly comment as he squeezes your thighs.

“It’s one of the only ways I can get your lazy ass places,” he says, like the liar he is.

(He secretly just likes the feeling of your thighs around his neck.)

He comes to a stop atop a building on the outskirts of the city and from here, you have a perfect view of the fireworks. Some whirl into a spiral while others slowly shoot straight up as they explode in a glittering multicolored shower. Some fireworks tumble like a waterfall and others pepper the sky in rapid flashes of light that have you seeing stars afterward.

“Isn’t what we’re doing right now technically illegal?” you ask while still keeping your eyes on the firework display. He laughs and you can practically imagine him rolling his eyes.

“Would you rather be here or before where we were practically suffocating to death?”

You laugh as well with a smile on your face. Ena squeezes your hand in his (when did that get there?) while he pulls something out. You look away from the show to see him place a red and gold metal canister between you two. It’s rather similar to the fireworks launchers you saw in the city…

“Ena, don’t tell me you-”

“What, it’s not like they’re going to notice one gone! They’ve got a bunch to spare anyway.”

He motions for you to move away from the canister and pulls out a bamboo tube with a conical cap mounted to a stick. He strikes a match and after lighting the fuse, sticks it into the mortar and moves away. You both cover your ears and after a few seconds, it shoots out with a high-pitched whistling sound before exploding in a golden display that resembles the branches of a weeping willow tree.

“Did you steal the fireworks too?” you ask with a wide grin on your face. He scowls at the question and begins to prepare another one for launch.

“No. I bought them,” he grumbles. The next firework exits the mortar and explodes in the sky. It resembles a white chrysanthemum.

You’ve all but forgotten about the official show as you take turns launching fireworks and creating your own (illegal) display. The official show may be more flashy, but yours has a magic of its own that can’t be recreated.

“Aw, how cute! This firework is shaped like a heart!” you exclaim as you watch it scatter in a shower of pink sparkles. The amount of fireworks being launched from the harbor suddenly increases and you realize it must be the grand finale already.

Ena pulls something out again. Two Mingxiao lanterns. He passes one to you along with a brush and some ink.

“The people of Liyue have a tradition of writing riddles on lanterns during the Lantern Rite,” he explains upon seeing your confusion. “Write whatever you’d like- it doesn’t have to be a riddle- and once the fireworks are over, we’ll release them into the sky, ok?”

He watches you frown and mull over what you want to write, face scrunching up into various expressions of contemplation and hesitation. He internally laughs at the sight before returning to his lantern, brush gliding over the paper with confidence.

I wish for (Name) to accept me for who I am.

And as the last of the fireworks explode in the sky, you and Ena release your lanterns in unison, soaring into the sky and joining the lanterns of everyone else. You lean against his shoulder (when did the distance between you two get so close?) and gaze at your lanterns drifting away.

“What did you wish for?” you ask.

“It’s a secret. I’m not telling you.”

“Fine. I’m not telling you mine either.”

You silently laugh to yourself. You had gotten a glimpse of what he was writing and while it may have been written in the old Inazuman script (most likely to confuse your prying eyes), you were still a former Akademiya student and you still had a decent knowledge of languages. The Inazuman language was one you were proficient in before you dropped out and you could get the general idea of his wish written onto the lantern.

How cute.

And as for what you wrote?

Ena couldn’t help but peek when you were writing. With the light of the fireworks, he had seen what you were written and a long-forgotten emotion erupted in his newly-acquired heart.

I wish for Ena to receive the love he deserves.

The last nation he takes you to is Inazuma.

You had spent a few months in Liyue until the weather warmed up, discovering everything the nation had to offer. You had ventured into the Adepti’s abode in Jueyun Karst, visited the famed turquoise waters of Luhua Pool, and explored the countless ancient ruins scattered throughout the land. At one point, with a letter from the Traveler and special clearance from the Millelith, he takes you to the Chasm. There, you had carefully crossed the creaky wooden walkways with high winds whipping you around and had scaled the high peaks covered with ochre grass and trees with crimson-colored leaves. The gaping maw in the center leading to the Underground Mines had tempted you and there you had stayed for a while, staring down into it.

(He contemplated bringing you there because it had a beauty of its own, but ultimately decided against it due to how dangerous it was.)

Now docked at Ritou Harbor after a long passage across the sea, Ena watches as the sleep disappears from your eyes, only to be replaced by wonder as you take in the silent harbor that is beginning to stir. Ships are anchored along the pier and unloaded. The fishermen are coming back as the sun rises above the horizon and are laying out their catch to sell. Purple banners planted along the boardwalk that are emblazoned with the Electro mitsudomoe proudly signify the reign of the Shogun. Maple trees dot the landscape and Mt. Yougou towers above in the distance with a faint green light emanating from it.

Ena’s eyes narrow and he bites his lip at the familiar sights. Returning to his homeland left him feeling conflicted and while nobody would remember him- namely, the Shogun- unpleasant memories still resurfaced. His abandonment, the place he once called home, and especially now, the regret and rage that fills him as he recalls those he considered family and Dottore who twisted the truth into a lie, ruining his life.

But he casts his thoughts aside. His past no longer defined who he was, especially at this moment. Besides, this was your first time in Inazuma. What kind of tour guide would he be if he couldn’t cast his own prejudices aside?

Long ago, when he was still in the Fatui, you had asked him about his origins.

“Scara, you’re from Inazuma, right?”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“I’ve always wanted to visit the nation. Can you take me there someday?”

“Once the situation there clears up, sure.”

He was never able to fulfill that promise with his previous self. Now, he could finally be true to his word, even if you could no longer remember.

Narukami Island dazzles you with its splendor and tradition everywhere you look. Sakura blooms drift along the warm spring breezes in Inazuma City as you pass by stores selling elaborate kimonos and blacksmiths continuing the art of forging that had been passed down for centuries. Ena proves himself to be quite the knowledgeable tour guide, pointing out cultural relics and small facts that you wouldn’t have known otherwise.

Early on in your stay, Ena pays a visit to the Statue of the Omnipresent God near Tenshukaku. He just… stands there. And gazes up at it. In the short time there, a lifetime of emotions crossed his face. Betrayal, wrath, denial, emptiness, regret, and even acceptance.

(You notice that the statue doesn’t look like the Electro Archon at all. What could it possibly be here for then?)

“Let’s go.”

With a light tug at your wrist and a final glance back at Tenshukaku, he leads you ahead without another look back.

The main attraction aside from the city is the Grand Narukami Shrine. From what you’ve heard, the trek there is long and arduous but worth it for its beauty and view over Inazuma. Ena leads you there through Chinju Forest which takes you onto the shortest route. The forest is tranquil and you hear the sound of running water from the large stream cutting through the forest. Blue flowers glow underneath the moonlight in large clumps and tanuki statues are found everywhere. Red torii gates are scattered throughout and mark pathways.

While the forest is beautiful, it’s also a little eerie. The lack of light and silence creeps you out and Ena has the brilliant idea to tell you ghost stories here, of all places.

“There’s a legend of a yokai that lurks in the forest around here,” he begins. “Care to hear the tale?”

You swat at his arm to silence him. He dodges your hand quickly and smiles impishly at you.

“What? Scared already?”

“Shut up.”

You leave the forest, refusing to speak to Ena and ignoring all of his purposeful attempts to rile you up. A blue-haired girl and her brother stand at the entrance to the lavish estate to your right. She pulls out her folding fan, covering the smile on her face at your petty arguments.

The path leading to the shrine is an arduous trek and not to mention slippery, as it had rained the day before. He has to help you up in some parts where there are no stairs, lest you slip and fall. The steps are steep and the path winding around the mountain seems never-ending. After much grumbling and pleading on your part, Ena finally agrees to carry you on his back.

“Thank you…”

“Stop being lazy,” he retorts. You rest your cheek against his shoulder and he immediately goes silent. Your hand brushes against his and in an uncharacteristically bold move, Ena grasps it and squeezes lightly. A light giggle escapes you. His hand is delicate and soft against yours, much like a doll’s.

At that moment, he’s glad you can’t see the blush dusting his cheeks.

But the rumors were right- the view is indeed gorgeous from here. Ena stops at one point and you peer over his shoulder to see the landscape of Inazuma. Jagged boulders float in midair with sakura trees planted for decoration and lanterns to aid shrine-goers in the dead of night. The vast blue sea that seals off Inazuma from the rest of the world stretches as far as the eye can see with several smaller islands and shipwrecks dotting the landscape. Chōchin lanterns hang from the branches of trees, swaying lightly in the wind and scattering sakura petals. Some red foxes are resting at the bottom of the stairs and come up to cautiously sniff at Ena. He leans down to pet them for a bit, allowing you to do the same, before continuing.

As you ascend the stairs winding around the mountain, you pass through countless torii gates with red tōrō lanterns and shoji lamps decorated with the symbol of the shrine flanking your sides and realize the shrine must be just up ahead. And indeed, that hypothesis proves to be true as Ena finishes climbing the last set of stairs and stops in front of the shrine. He takes his hat off and you hop off his back.

The shrine is awe-inspiring. It’s larger than you thought it’d be and built from red lacquered wood with chōchin lanterns hanging from the eaves of the roof. Two thick shimenawa ropes with shide papers attached to them stretch across the entrance and the small body of water the shrine is built upon reflects the early morning sky above. Sessha shrines line the outskirts with various offerings and resemble miniature versions of the Grand Narukami Shrine.

As you take in the sights of the shrine and the view of Inazuma from above, Ena looks around cautiously, hoping that a certain meddling pink kitsune wouldn’t show up.

What a nuisance that’d be, he thinks as he squints against the sun’s rays. He quickly picks up on your confusion as you look around, unsure of what to do.

“Relax,” he says, taking your hand in his. “I’ll guide you through the whole process.”

Ena leads you through everything, from purification to burning incense. At that stage, he had asked you if you had any injuries. You had looked at him strangely and he explained that some people fan the smoke toward themselves for healing purposes.

“Oh, that’s interesting,” you said. “But I’m fine, so there’s no need to.”

You miss how he fans the smoke toward his heart when you turn away. He stares at his Anemo vision for a split second before returning to your side.

You’re staring at the large bell attached to a bundle of multicolored cords hanging from the ceiling. He steps forward and shakes it, making the bell chime loudly. You watch closely as he drops some Mora into the offertory box before bowing twice, clapping twice, and then standing straight with his hands joined in a prayer position. You then do the same, albeit with less confidence.

“Hey,” you whisper. He peeks an eye open. “What do I pray for?”

“Anything,” he whispers back. “Good health, fortune, success at school-”

You roll your eyes.

“- or even luck in romantic relationships.”

You look off to the side at that one, hoping he doesn’t see how the tips of your ears are flushed.

Ena closes his eyes again and thinks for a bit about what else to pray for. He had already wished for acceptance from you during the Lantern Rite. Just now, he had prayed for your health and the safety of Sumeru, along with wishes of well-being for Lesser Lord Kusanali. What else was there?

(He had contemplated praying for Dottore’s downfall but ultimately decided that wouldn’t be appropriate within a shrine setting.)

Pray for (Name) to fall in love with you again, says the voice in his head. You did tell them that praying for romantic luck was common among shrine-goers, so why not do that yourself?

Ah.

Ena feels his face heat up and his heart starts pounding rapidly. With a light shake of his head, he clears his mind.

I wish for (Name) to fall in love with me again. I have already lost Niwa, Katsuragi, the rest of my family in Tatarasuna, and the fledgling child who was just like me long ago. After wandering across the world for several centuries, I long for a place to call home now.

Archons above, I am a changed man now. Please, allow me to have the simple joys of love and solace.

Your trip is nearing its end. The days are much longer now and the weather considerably, almost unbearably at times, warmer.

Now in the last leg of your journey, Ena gazes out at the sea aboard the boat carrying him to your last destination, Kannazuka Island. The last time he went back to Inazuma was during the Vision Hunt Decree to retrieve the Electro Gnosis and that was on orders from the Tsaritsa, plus that was restricted to Narukami Island only. Ever since the disaster that had befallen Tatarasuna, he hadn’t gone back out of fear and shame.

And that is who he really is. A man who was ashamed of his past and afraid of witnessing the consequences of his actions. Ignorance is bliss, yet that belief was unable to prevent the shield of scorn and egotism he had built up for himself from crumbling down in an instant in Sumeru, the cracks that had been forming for a long time now exposed and the truth finally revealed.

How pathetic, mocks the voice in his head that never seems to go away- perhaps the only remnant of his former self. Look at who you’ve become. How weak. What a disappointment. Such activities are beneath you, yet why do you indulge them with your divine presence?

Shut it, he thinks. Enough of you. My roots may be divine, but they have no influence on who I am today. I am a different person now, whether you like it or not.

Ena looks around him and sighs. He had sworn to never return to this nation that he harbored only bitterness and bad memories toward. He had cursed the Archon’s name and denounced her reign, laughed at her frivolous pursuit of eternity, yet here he was once again.

The prodigal son had finally made a return home.

Love really makes people weak, doesn’t it?

The boat gently comes to a stop against the shoreline of Nazuchi Beach. Rotting shipwrecks and driftwood litter the white sands and warm shallow waters. Faded and frayed war banners lie half-buried in the sand with arrowheads embedded everywhere you look- the only remains of the several bloody wars that were waged here.

You hop off the boat, eager to explore what lies ahead, while Ena lingers for a bit to gather his thoughts. Already, he can see the familiar silhouette of the furnace and its purple glow in the distance. An unfamiliar feeling of dread settles in his stomach, twisting and turning anxiously. But dallying and wasting time will not change the outcome of anything.

And so with bated breath, he leads the way. Passing through the entrance that leads to Tatarasuna, the full scale of the site becomes apparent. In the middle, a floating rock formation hovers above the water and is linked to the rest of the island via walkways that are now rotting and falling apart. A strange purple glow radiates from the center. The houses built have long since been abandoned, their windows dark and empty. Hovering above it all is the Mikage Furnace. Although it was shut down a long time ago, small sparks of Electro are still intermittently emitted from it.

The ancient machinery quietly creaks in the wind. The air feels electric with the heavy concentration of Electro energy present, making his hair stand on end. Carts filled with iron ore lie off to the side, looking as if they were haphazardly abandoned. He can’t help but feel a little remorseful at the sorry state the place is in now.

There is one last task for him to finish here- one that he should have completed long ago.

Better late than never, he thinks as he rummages around for a sword of some sort that may have been miraculously left behind. Most of what was here has been pillaged by the Fatui; he recognizes their handiwork- sloppy and inconsiderate, but by a stroke of luck, he finds one.

Meanwhile, you investigate what’s nearby. Soon into your investigation, you find some yellowed notes scattered about. The age of the notes has made the words rather difficult to decipher and the elements have worn away much of the original content.

… We at last made a single nagamaki. We call it the Daitatara Nagamasa. The Inspector was in high spirits, and he and the Vice Armory Officer… Nozomu was so taken by the beauty of the Daitatara Nagamasa that he drew a picture of it.

The Inspector flew into a rage and slashed Katsuragi. The great blade cut deep into the flesh… cast his own nagamaki into the furnace’s flame… Nozomu could not abide by that order, and drew the completely melted weapon out of the furnace… He was horribly burned.

… Nozomu died that night. I daresay that while Sir Katsuragi may have committed malfeasance, it was out of the goodness of his heart.

“(Name), can you go pick some flowers for me?”

His question comes suddenly and unexpectedly. You look up from the notes you are reading. He holds a rusted sword in his hand and gives it a few experimental swings. You soundlessly nod and disappear.

There are some old polishing stones lying beneath a table and he gets to work. It’s the first time he’s touched a blade in 500 years, yet in his mind, he’s transported back to the moment he learned how to forge and polish swords under the watch of Niwa and the others. Their gentle guidance from ages ago resurfaces, guiding him through the sacred process. Bit by bit, the rust is scrubbed away and its original sheen is restored. It is difficult work, but it’s cathartic. It feels like he’s making amends for his past actions.

After wiping away the last few drops of water, the sword is now finished. It shines brilliantly without a speck of rust showing. The handguard and hilt have been cleaned thoroughly and it looks as good as new.

Ena walks over to a grassy spot near the water and digs a small hole, where he places a few items before covering it up again. Some small candies, cigarettes, six coins for safe passage to the afterlife, a white kimono, and a pair of sandals.

He drives the sword into the soft earth. He tugs it a few times to ensure it won’t budge before pulling out some sticks of incense and lighting them. The woody smell with hints of spice and resin is carried through the air.

On your way back now, you smell something spicy and familiar drifting from the direction of the furnace.

Incense?

“I’m back now,” you call out. “What did you need these-”

The lit incense sticks, the sword stuck in the ground, his head bowed. The realization hits you instantly.

So this is why he asked me to gather flowers. It’s a memorial- a grave.

Dendrobiums, stalks of Naku Weed, Sea Ganodermas you had harvested in the shallow beach waters, and deposits of Crystal Marrow are arranged around the symbolic tomb in the best flower arrangement your limited skills could make.

“Thank you,” he whispers as you kneel next to him.

“Who is it for?”

“Everyone,” he says, gesturing around him. “It’s for everyone who was here.”

Ena looks up from the ground and for a second, he thinks he’s gone back in time. The sun shines, bathing the abandoned mine in golden light. The fires in the furnace are stoked and plumes of smoke drift out of the tall chimney. Katsuragi smelts the red-hot steel in the tatara while Niwa hammers and folds the cooling metal. The residents of Tatarasuna, people from all walks of life, children and elders alike, live their lives with joy and pride.

Ah, it’s been so long since he’s last seen them, yet he can still remember their faces clearly as if he never left.

One of them- a child- sees him out of the corner of his eye. He says something- no words can be heard but Ena reads his lips.

Look, Kabukimono is back!

One by one, the rest of the residents take notice of him. They each bear varied expressions on their faces weathered by hard work- some cover their mouths with their eyes blown wide in surprise, others heave a deep sigh of relief with smiles stretching across their faces, while others have tears of joy prickling at the corners of their eyes.

Archons, it’s been so long since I’ve last seen him.

Tell us what you’ve been up to lately! I’m sure you have many stories to share.

My, look at how handsome he is now!

The ward we took in has now finally grown up.

It makes me so proud to see him like this.

There’s a tight feeling in his chest as he stumbles forward toward the sea of familiar faces, beckoning him with warm smiles and welcoming arms. He lurches forward again, and three pairs of warm hands as fleeting as a feather lightly brush over his shoulder, steadying him. Looking up, he sees the familiar faces of Niwa, Katsuragi, and Nagamasa. They beam at him, not a hint of betrayal or anger present in their smiles.

Ena’s heart seizes up in his chest. What does he say in a situation like this?

Did you find your heart at last?

“... Yes,” he finally answers.

“It was here all along.”

We’ve missed you.

Crying is for the weak. It is a useless display of emotions. That is what he has told himself repeatedly throughout his life.

And yet, he can’t help the tears that threaten to spill over.

He rushes forward, longing for one last chance to make amends. They surround him in a warm embrace, murmuring words of reassurance as the tears finally spill over.

“I’m sorry!” he chokes out. “I should have been there! I shouldn’t have run away!”

A strong gust of wind blows through the clearing and the ghosts of Tatarasuna waver, their images beginning to fade and dissipate in specks of golden light.

His blood runs cold in terror.

No, not yet! There’s still so much I want to say- so much I want to apologize for!

The sound of gentle laughter is carried along with the wind and as the last of their shimmering visages fade away, he hears their final words.

What do you mean, Kabukimono?

We forgave you long ago.

It was never your fault to begin with.

You are our pride and joy.

This is goodbye now. But we, the residents of Tatarasuna you considered family, will always be with you.

We can now move on safely to the afterlife.

We can now rest after seeing our little Kabukimono at peace with himself.

Thank you for returning home one last time.

The last of their afterimages vanish, leaving nothing behind. The sun retreats behind the clouds once more, the clearing now cloudy as it was before. But at last, Ena feels at peace- as if a great burden had finally been lifted from his shoulders. The unfinished task from centuries ago had finally been completed.

“Let’s go home now, (Name).”

Ena has been acting strange lately.

On the way back, he kept pacing back and forth. He had kept toying with his Anemo vision and staring at the sky. When he thought you were asleep, he would hold you tightly in his arms as if he was afraid to lose you. You would catch him with his hands clasped together and praying when he thought you weren’t looking.

But praying to who exactly?

At last, you are at home in Sumeru again. It is late at night now, and the streets are silent. Most of the residents are asleep except for a few late-night stragglers coming home from work or the tavern. That night, you fell into a deep sleep and for the first time ever since you were a child, you dreamt.

But much to your surprise, you see Ena and Lesser Lord Kusanali in your dream soon after falling asleep. This feels vaguely familiar and something tells you this was done on purpose.

“Welcome back,” she says. “How was your trip?”

“Fine. I enjoyed it,” he responds.

She giggles. “That’s good to hear. I take it that your goal is complete and that you got to tie up some loose ends?”

“You could say that.”

The little Archon turns her attention to you now. Her eyes peer at you curiously and you get the vague feeling that she can read your mind.

“You must be (Name). You’re a smart cookie- smarter than people give you credit for. I’m sure you’ve wondered what you and Ena are to each other at least once by now.”

“There’s been a few hints dropped here and there throughout our journey that made me question the nature of our relationship or who we once were,” you admit.

“But I can’t help but wonder what happened to… ”

You gesture at the space between you and Ena.

“... Us?”

A translucent green box materializes between her hands. It glows and floats, emitting specks of Dendro energy intermittently.

“Please suspend disbelief for a moment, as what I’m about to say may sound unrealistic. This box you see here is a copy of his memories from his creation up until recently. It contains the true, unaltered version of history.”

Creation? Copy of his memories? The unaltered version of history?

A thousand questions swirl inside your mind, waiting to be asked, yet they all dissipate at her next question.

“Do you wish to remember the past?”

You hesitantly look at Ena. He turns away as if he is ashamed of meeting your gaze.

“This decision is all up to you,” she adds. “Rest assured that whatever you choose will not affect your relationship with Ena. He has told me that himself.

“But please bear in mind that in his past life, Ena was what many would consider as ‘evil’. He had committed countless crimes and many people had died because of him. With this preface, do you still wish to remember the past?”

You glance at Ena again, who is still avoiding your gaze. The delicate balance of your relationship hangs on the line. Was it even worth knowing the truth? You were perfectly content with the way things were as of now.

… But the voice in the back of your head urges you to dig deeper and uncover the truth.

“I still do. Please, show me everything.”

Ena winces slightly, bracing himself for the worst.

“Very well then.”

The green box slowly drifts toward you before suddenly slamming into your chest. You let out a choked gasp, your vision slowly going dark as all his memories begin to flood your mind. The last thing you hear is Ena’s concerned question.

“Will they be alright?”

“It’s the same as when you regained your memories,” replies Lesser Lord Kusanali. “They’ll be in for a shock but will ultimately emerge with a newfound understanding of who you are.”

“Set him free?”

“A puppet? What’s he doing here…”

“You’re a human as far as I’m concerned.”

“What a fine blade! Nagamasa will be thrilled.”

“He took it straight from the chest of one of his innocent servants.”

“What a joke… it’s just ashes… nothing left but ashes.”

“Are you deaf or just stupid?”

“Hey!”

That’s the sound of your own voice. In the midst of his memory space, you freeze. The version of yourself you see is one from several years ago, back when you were still in the Akademiya. The sight of the green uniform and beret sends a wave of nostalgia through your heart. Ena resembles the version of himself you saw in the photo at your house- dressed in shades of dark purple and black with accents of red and gold.

“What did you want to tell me? You dragged me out here late at night so it better be worth-”

“I hate you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I hate you,” he repeated. “Everything about you annoys me greatly. You can’t handle your alcohol, yet you still insist on having drinks every week. I can’t tell if you’re idiotic or-”

“It’s Mondstadt, what else am I supposed to do here? And why is it that you carry me home on your back each time without fail?”

“Because you’d look pretty pathetic otherwise. I’d get secondhand embarrassment if I didn’t do something about it.”

You rolled your eyes at his remarks.

“Your taste in music sucks and you always have the strangest ideas. Seriously, where do you even come up with-”

“If you think they’re so strange, then why did you agree to dance with me in the town square yesterday? Entertain my silly idea of participating in the festival that was happening last week even though, in your opinion, you thought it was ‘stupid and a waste of time?’ Although, it looked like you were having fun as well…”

“...That’s beside the point. You also talk too much. It hurts my ears just listening to you sometimes.”

“Is that why you were glaring at the guy I was chatting with the other day?”

“No- I mean, yes.”

The look on your face tells him you don’t believe his blatant lie one bit.

“I can’t think properly when you’re around me,” he snapped in an attempt to change the subject. “You make me feel strange and I hate it. Whenever your eyes linger on me, I feel strangely exposed. When you touch me, my skin burns and I can’t breathe for some strange reason. You wear your heart on your sleeve but you’re also difficult to understand. I can’t figure you out for the life of me. You cry and laugh when you’re mad, but when you’re actually upset, you hide your tears and go silent. You’re a walking contradiction, which makes me even more confused as to why I feel this- hey, why are you laughing?”

He glared at your figure shaking with laughter and a clear expression of understanding written all over your face.

“Nothing, it’s just… I think we both know why you’re feeling this way, Scara,” you whispered as you leaned in to cup his cheek. He shied away from your touch but still accepted it.

“Don’t make me say it,” he grumbled quietly. “It’s embarrassing.”

He closed his eyes and leaned into your hand cradling his cheek.

“But it’s the truth, is it not? In that case, what is there to be embarrassed about?”

“But…”

You’re so close to him that he could feel the soft exhale of your breath tickle his cheek. He looked away, avoiding eye contact with you, but he could still feel your burning gaze of adoration on his skin.

“Say it,” you breathed. “I want to hear you say those three words, Scara.”

“... You are the one I hold dearest to my heart,” he finally whispered. “You are my first and only love.”

The gap between you closes. He saw the moonlight reflected in your irises clearly and your eyes glimmering with hope, heard the way your breath hitched in anticipation. As his lips brushed against yours, he finally whispered those three words you’d been longing to hear.

“I love you.”

With a start, you are brought back to reality. Lesser Lord Kusanali and Ena watch you with concern in their eyes.

“Welcome back,” begins the former. “How do you feel with this newfound information?”

“A little overwhelmed,” you admit. “But everything makes much more sense now.”

You turn your attention toward Ena, who eyes you warily much like a stray cat would.

“Well then? What is your verdict?” he snaps harshly. “Going to abandon me the same way my mothe- my creator did?”

“Quite the opposite, actually.”

You mull over your words momentarily, wondering where even to begin.

“What do you do with a broken doll?” you finally ask. Ena looks at you strangely, like he wasn’t expecting you to open with that starter of all possible options.

“Do you fill in the cracks with gold to embrace its flaws? Paint over it to hide the defects underneath? Give it a newer and stronger shell? Or perhaps discard it entirely in favor of a new one? From what I saw, you’ve cycled through all those options haven’t you, Ena?”

He looks away.

“Like the Inazuman art of kintsugi, you tried to embrace your defects when you were still known as Kabukimono. Despite being considered flawed, you still attempted to show how beautiful and strong you could be. During your time in the Fatui when you were known as the Balladeer, you hid that part of yourself underneath a veil of arrogance, hating how weak you were despite said weakness being something your first self saw as a sign of strength more than anything. As the Everlasting Lord of Arcane Wisdom or Shouki no Kami, the Prodigal, you quite literally gave yourself a stronger shell in your attempt to ascend to godhood. But despite the grandness of it all, it was nothing more than a cheap veneer on the same self-loathing that brought everything crashing down when you were so close to everything you had ever hoped for.”

You reach your hands out and intertwine them with his.

“In such cases where all other options have failed, starting over is the best decision. The neglect and decay that have accumulated over several hundred years will be purged and a new healthy base made from only the purest of white wood will be used.”

You squeeze his hands lightly.

“Sometimes, you have to let those parts of yourself go. Otherwise, you will never obtain happiness. By discarding who you once were, you’ve healed and learned how to atone for your actions.

“You’ve changed for the better, Ena. The metaphorical blood on your hands has been washed clean. So then why should I abandon you? For abandoning you who I once loved, still love, and will continue to love means invalidating all your past struggles and how much you’ve changed. What kind of lover would I be if I did that?”

Lesser Lord Kusanali claps and smiles.

“That was a good use of metaphors, (Name). I liked it!”

Ena lets out a long sigh of relief and tips his head back. He hadn’t cried ever since his creation 500 years ago but now, he was filled with the overwhelming urge to cry. There’s a burning sensation at the back of his eyes and he fights the urge to release everything he had been holding back.

Is this what people called tears of joy?

“Thank you, (Name).”

What once was has now been rediscovered, no longer consigned to a thing of the past. That which he had longed for was now finally in his arms. Ena closes his eyes and pulls you into a hug. It’s a wonderful feeling- forgiveness and love.

Maybe, just maybe, he can now finally be at peace with himself.

#favoniuslibrary #genshin impact x reader #scaramouche x reader #wanderer x reader #genshin x reader #genshin fanfic #genshin x you #scaramouche x y/n #wanderer x y/n #victoria.writes

[risustravelogue]

Valentine's Period Pains

Summary:

Bedridden on what was supposed to be a special date. How fun. So he came to visit you instead.

Featuring:

Boyfriend!Alhaitham

Tone:

Fluff! Hopefully it soothes the pain a bit (it kind of worked on me).

Note:

Happy Valentine's Day! 💚 I didn't plan on posting anything, but since I already started a period-related headcanon-turned-fic fluff anyway (because I'm having my period… ugh… the PAIN), I decided to finish it up and post it today. (There's a headcanon-format fic for the selfship collab I reblogged last week that's still in progress. I'll post it later today or tomorrow.) Enjoy~ 💚

🔗 AO3 | masterlist 🔗

Your first period after becoming Alhaitham’s girlfriend came on what was supposed to be a Valentine’s Day date night.

He had visited your office to pick you up and hurried to your place after your coworker told him you didn’t show up for work. Your landlady, who opened the front door, told him that you’re having your monthly guest and showed him to your room.

“Your boyfriend’s here to see you, honey,” she called. You wordlessly opened the door for him and staggered back into bed. After thanking your landlady, he followed you inside, quietly observing your room. He sat beside you on the bed.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Period cramps suck,” you replied, your face buried into your pillow.

He caressed your arm. “Have you eaten anything today?” he asked. You shook your head.

“Do you want anything in particular? I can go and buy it,” he offered.

“Mmm… a big roll of lamb kebab would be nice,” you mumbled.

He thought of giving you an “I’ll be back” kiss on your lips, but decided against it and placed it on your temple instead. You were being too cute and vulnerable for your own good, and he was afraid he couldn’t hold back. He returned half an hour later with three rolls of lamb kebab and a mug of hot cocoa.

“Your favorite,” he smiled. “Two standard rolls are more than one big roll. The other one’s for me.”

You gave him a weak sheepish smile. He took out a roll, unwrapped it, and handed it over to you.

“I’ve read some books about periods,” he says while unwrapping his kebab, his verdant eyes twinkling with curiosity. “I’m wondering about how the cramps actually feel.”

You think for a while. “Well,” you begin, “for me, it’s like my insides are being ripped into shreds, then twisted beyond recognition. Sometimes not in that order.”

He winced. “And you have to go through that every month?”

“Pretty much,” you said. “I get lucky sometimes, though.”

His expression turned into one of deep thought. “So you have to endure both the pain and the bleeding.”

“Yep.”

“No wonder you have days when you always look like you’re almost fainting.”

“Uh-huh.”

“That… explains your postponing our plans once a month or so when we were working on that assignment together.”

“Yeah.”

You chewed on your kebab. A few seconds passed before your eyes widened upon fully realizing the implication of what he had said.

“Haitham?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Hmm? What is it?”

“How do you even still remember that?”

“Oh, that,” he chuckled. “My memory’s always been good,” he said, shifting closer to you. His free hand cupped your cheek, wiping away the sauce at the corner of your lips. “But it’s always the best when it comes to you.”

You felt your face going hotter and hotter. “Oh, shut up,” you mumbled.

He pushed away your kebab-holding hand and leaned in to kiss your cheek. “I will, once you tell me if there’s anything more you’d like.”

The first thought you had was please cuddle me, but then you remembered the way he jerked away his arm when you tried to physically flirt with him a few days ago. A milder option would be…

“Is it okay if I sleep on your lap?” you said, a shy smile on your lips.

He squeezed your free hand. “Of course, after we’re done eating.”

You spent the rest of the day just eating and reading books in bed. His fingers found their way to your head once you snuggle into his lap. The feeling of them running through your hair and massaging your scalp sent shivers all over your skin—the good kind. Needless to say, you slept very well that night.

—

You woke up to the sound of birds chirping outside your window.

You were a bit disappointed that Alhaitham was nowhere to be found, but you tried to shrug it off. It had only been a few weeks since your confession, after all. It was too soon for him to stay the night with you. Then you noticed that there’s a bar of your favorite brand of chocolate on top of a handwritten note on your bedside table. You couldn’t help but let out a squeal after reading it:

Good morning. I hope you’re feeling better. I’m sorry for not staying for long. I’m afraid I’ll end up unwittingly taking advantage of your vulnerable state the longer I spend the night alone with you. Leaving you without saying goodbye was a tough decision, but you were sleeping so peacefully, I didn’t have the heart to wake you. Still… I might have stolen a kiss or two. Sorry about that. Rest well. I’ll see you tomorrow, my love. –H

© @risustravelogue 2023 • no to reposting, yes to reblogging. feel free to send an ask to suggest, chat, etc. :)

#alhaitham #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham x you #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin x you #genshin impact x you #genshin fluff #genshin impact fluff #kurisu writes

[desceros]

How do you feel so motivated to write all the time? I have a fic of my own that I’ve been working on for a few months and have been posting but I’ve lost all the momentum I once had for it and only have 3 chapters left that I need to write. Whenever I sit down to write it I can never seem to put more than a few words down before I either work on something newer or just give up for the day. Sorry for the small vent I’m just trying to find ways to get back to it 💜💜💜💜

oh, that's easy—i don't! i have really, really bad adhd. motivation isn't something i can count on for, uh, literally anything lmao. which is bad for, like, eating and sleeping with any sense of regularity, but good in terms of me having learned how to do stuff i wanna do without motivation!

the first thing is consistency. i try really really hard to write every day, even if it's only a little. i have a folder in my icloud for daily exercises, and that's where i write little 500-1000 word snippets if i don't have a proper fic or novel that i'm working on. it's just a single scenario, single blip kind of thing. This has made it so that my brain expects me to write, every day, even when i'm not particularly motivated by one plot or another. though don't beat yourself up if you don't write in a day. that's pretty hard for me, but it's very important!

second, kind of part of the first, is that i have a time set aside every day to write. it's actually first thing in the morning when i wake up, because i'm super excited to do it and it gets me out of bed like nothing else!! i don't check my phone, i don't think about work, none of that. i just roll out of bed and sit down at my computer and start writing. because i have a specific time for it, it's very easy for me to go oh. well this is my writing time. the time for writing. i shall go and write now.

third is to have lots of different things that you're very excited about. i'll usually have three or four ideas bouncing around in my head at one time, because it makes me think 'oh i need to finish x so i can get to y', just in case x ever gets too boring for me. but also—don't be afraid to switch projects! if something isn't meshing, don't force it. you'll grow to resent it, and yourself for not being able to create, and that negativity isn't conducive to a fun time. i like to have at least two things that i'm actively working on that are very different in tone. this way, i can bounce back and forth as needed if something isn't vibing one day for whatever reason.

fourth is to kinda... trick yourself a little. if i'm working on a long project and i need to stop for anything longer than getting another cup of coffee, i stop in the middle of a scene—but, very specifically, a scene in which i know what the next step is going to be. sometimes, i'll even go down a line and put what the next action is, if it's really gonna be a while. that way, the next time i come back to it, i reread the scene, and by the time i get to the place where i'm supposed to start writing again, the flow is there. it's much easier to pick up in media res vs having to start a new section.

so yeah. motivation is fake, don't ever trust it, come up with a system that makes it so you never have to count on it ever again!

#ask tag #writing tag #hope this helps!!!! #as proof: i am starving hungry and i sat down to write this instead of getting food. HELP

[jimmyjrsmusoems]

20 Questions for Fic Writers Tag Game

ty for the tag @babsvibes <33333333333

How many works do you have on ao3? 8

What's your total word count? 38,525

What fandoms do you write for? bob’s burgers

Top 5 fics by kudos:

you would break your back to make me break a smile

oh peach pit, where’d the hours go?

and tell all the stars above, this is dedicated to the one i love

falling for your fool's gold

a message in a bottle is all i can do (standing here, hoping it gets to you)

Do you respond to comments? i try so, so hard to respond to comments…..but i’m also very guilty of saying “that’s so sweet, let me form a coherent thought and then i’ll get back to them!”……..and then i wake up in a cold sweat three months later because it came back to haunt me in my dreams and i remember that i never responded. it’s something i’m working on! if i ever respond to your comments months down the line, i’m so sorry, just know that it probably made me cry when i read it 😔💖

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? my angstiest fic(s) either haven’t ended or haven’t been posted, and i’ve primarily posted fluff. i guess the first chapter of all i know, is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life is chock-full of teen angst

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? falling for your fool's gold or don’t be afraid to jump, then fall (into me)

Do you get hate on fics? not to my face!

Do you write smut? write??? yes. finish and post??? hasn’t happened yet but a girl can dream

Do you write crossovers? nope, and i’m not interested

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not to my knowledge but if it ever happens i will pull a john wick (the fic would be my puppy)

Have you ever had a fic translated? no, but i probably wouldn’t say no if someone asked 🥰

Have you ever co-written a fic before? no, and i don’t think i would want to - i have a hard enough time meeting my own deadlines. i would hate to drag someone down with me

What's your all-time favorite ship? 💖💞💕💓💞💕💖 tinimmy 💖💘💘💞💗💞

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will? you would break your back to make me break a smile 😔

What are your writing strengths? i’ve been told that i’m good at writing in-character / capturing voices, and i think that coming up with ideas / finding inspiration is very easy for me. i also think i have a talent for writing fluff and missing scene fics

What are your writing weaknesses? finding the goddamn motivation, self-doubt, time management, self-imposed deadlines, writing chronologically, accidentally repeating things / words because i work on the same thing for soooooo long that i end up forgetting what i've already said

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? it’s not something that i see myself doing, but i think as long as you’re being respectful it’s fine

First fandom you wrote for? the first that i can remember is smosh 😭

Favorite fic you've ever written? all i know, is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life or don’t be afraid to jump, then fall (into me) (my two lowest rated fics.....lol)

#fic stuff

[thebreakfastgenie]

Trick or treat!

Answering based on the rules from this post.

I'm going to share a full, short spirk fic I wrote this a few years ago but never posted. It's unedited, exactly how it was in 2018.

Kirk sat at the table in his stolen, Klingon-decorated quarters, mulling over the events of the day. It was easier than he expected, turning on the old charm. It had been so long he thought he might have forgotten how. But it worked, it put Dr. Taylor at ease, maybe even won her over to their cause. And maybe he’d made a friend, however short-lived their friendship had to be. Gillian Taylor was exactly the kind of person he used to go for back when he was unattached and adrift in space, smart, compassionate, outgoing, blonde. He’d always had a little bit of a thing for scientists. And even now… he hated to admit it, but there had been a fleeting moment where he’d been tempted. She was so vibrant, so gregarious, so present. It struck him that this woman from the wrong century was more accessible than his own husband. But as quickly as it had come he’d dismissed it. He was still married, even if he couldn’t wear his ring. Even if his husband wouldn’t speak his name. His relationship with Spock had been founded on loyalty first and he wouldn’t betray that trust, not now or ever, even if death technically had done them part.

He was startled from his thoughts by the chime of his door. “Come in,” he said. Leonard McCoy stepped into the room. “Is this a bad time?” “Humpback whales are being hunted to extinction as we speak, unknowingly taking mankind with them in a couple of centuries, but I suppose it’s as good as any. What’s on your mind, Bones?” “I’m more concerned with what’s on yours.” Jim rubbed a hand over his face. “Let’s cut the crap, Bones. It’s not either of our minds we’re concerned about.” “Hey, Spock wasn’t kidding about those colorful metaphors.” McCoy tried for a grin. Getting only a warning glance in response he dropped the attempt at joviality and sank into the chair across from Kirk. “He’ll remember, Jim.” Jim glanced at his friend. “You didn’t have so much faith in his memory before. Has something changed?” “No,” McCoy admitted, dropping his eyes so he wouldn’t have to meet his friend’s gaze. “Three months on Vulcan,” Jim raised his hand in a gesture of frustration. “And all he’s remembered is my name. And now he won’t even use it.” “He needs time, Jim. You have to be patient.” “I’ve been patient! How much more time does he need?” Jim looked McCoy in the eye. “I want your medical opinion, not the platitudes of a well-meaning friend trying to make me feel better.” McCoy sighed. “My medical opinion is I don’t know. With any case of memory loss the rate and degree of recovery is unpredictable at best. This is a unique case if I’ve ever seen one. The man was dead, Jim, we have no idea for how long, and he was reanimated and aged from infancy to adulthood by a unique form of energy that no one fully understands, and that’s setting aside any damage that may have been done by cramming his mind into an occupied human brain,” McCoy tapped his temple, “For that long and the rejoining process, which is so old and so rarely used no living Vulcan had ever performed it before. I can’t give you any answers, Jim. I can’t even ask the questions.” “I know that Bones, I’m sorry.” Kirk looked tired. “I’m just…” he lowered his voice to a whisper. “I’m afraid I won’t get him back.” “You have him back, Jim. He’s up there right now working on the calculations that with any luck will get us out of this place.” “He’s not him, though.” Jim’s voice became even quieter. “He’s not my Spock.” His voice shook. “What if he never is? What if that part of him can’t come back?” Unconsciously Jim removed the rings from his breast pocket and turned them over in his hands. McCoy pointed to the rings. “You still carry those everywhere?” Jim nodded. “I’m afraid I’ll lose them but I’ve tried leaving them in my quarters and… it’s actually easier if I can just pat my pocket to reassure myself.” Jim stared down at the rings, as if transfixed. “You know you can’t start wearing it,” McCoy warned. “Are you sure we’re doing the right thing?” Jim asked, his eyes snapping up to meet McCoy’s. “I know he has to remember on his own, but what if seeing me wearing mine was the trigger he needed to remind him?” “Jim…” Bones’s voice held an edge. “Besides, you said it yourself, we don’t really know anything about how his memory loss works. Maybe in this case just waiting for him to remember isn’t enough, he needs our help! Maybe…” “Jim,” Bones said, more gently this time. “It won’t do any good to tell him, unless you want him to memorize your relationship like a couple decades of Vulcan facts. If you want him to be the man you remember, you have to let him remember.” “I know,” Jim said sadly. “I just miss him. I don’t know how much longer I can wait.” McCoy put a hand on Kirk’s shoulder. “As long as you have to.” Jim nodded in agreement. “I just hope it isn’t too long.”

[lamentable-comedy]

Very loosely inspired by this post by @the-empty-man, I wrote a short fic about Rudyard telling Georgie about Madeline for the first time. It was supposed to be about Rudyard learning mouse (and that's relevant) but instead this conversation won. Also I wrote it very quickly because I wanted to write something quick and short.

"Hey, Rudyard?"

"Make it quick Georgie, I have to have this coffin painted before three."

"I can help if you like, I’m great at painting coffins."

"No, you’re just an apprentice, I’m afraid you won’t be up to coffin painting until at least two weeks on the job. This is very advanced work, Georgie, not many have the wherewithal to handle it."

"Your tie’s dragging in the paint."

"It’s supposed to. Now, was there something you wanted to ask me?"

"Yeah. I think we might have a bit of mouse problem. There’s a hole in one of the skirting boards up front, and today I found some jam footprints in the kitchen."

"What? Oh, no. That’s just Madeline, don’t worry about it."

"Madeline? Whose Madeline?"

"Madeline. She lives in the wall, joins me for tea sometimes. She’s been with us over a year."

"And she’s... a mouse."

"Yes."

"You named the mouse living in your walls."

"Don’t be ridiculous."

"Oka--"

"Her parents named her that."

"What?"

"Well, I assume it was her parents. Whoever it was that gives mice their names when they’re born. All I know is that she told me her name was Madeline, and she came over to Piffling on a boat from the mainland by way of Jersey."

"I’m sorry, sir, I’m still confused. Do you talk to this mouse? Should I call Dr. Edgeware?"

"Of course I don’t talk to her Georgie, don’t be absurd. Do you know how hard it is to learn mouse? I’ve been studying it for about two months now and I’ve barely grasped the basics. Mind you, Madeline’s got a bit of a busy schedule, and of course I’m booked wall-to-wall wth funerals, so it’s not like we have much time for lessons, but still."

"So how do you and, er, Madeline talk then? I mean, if you can’t understand each other."

"Well, she’s fluent in English, for one thing. For another, she’s quite an accomplished writer."

"Is she then."

"Yes! She’s written a number of short stories, even let me read a couple. Of course they’re mostly about mice, so there are a lot of culture things that just don’t cross over, but she’s told me that she’s hoping to branch out a little more."

"Right. Look, sir, could I just have a peek at that paint can? I’m a little worried the fumes might be getting to you."

"Now look here. Madeline been here a good deal longer than you have and I dare say she’ll be here long after you go off on that world your you’re always talking about. I’m not making a word of this up, and if you’re going to condescend to me about it you can jolly well go find another funeral home to work at."

"Sir, I didn’t mean anything by it, honest! It’s just that I’ve never met a mouse before--"

"Well. We’ll have to fix that right away. Madeline! Madeline! Come in and introduce yourself to Georgie. There. She’ll be here in a minute, you’ll see."

"Is that her?"

"Where?"

"Poking her head out from behind the bouquets."

"Oh, yes. Madeline, this is Georgie. I dare say you’ve seen her about the house, she’s our new apprentice. Georgie, this is Madeline."

Squeak squeak.

"Oh! I know that one! That’s hello."

Squeak.

"No? what is it then. Wait, don’t tell me-- Good morning? No! Good afternoon."

Squeak.

"See! I told you I’ve been practicing. You’ll have to write for Georgie though, she only speaks English."

"Actually, sir--"

"Well, she doesn’t speak mouse at any rate. Now, I’d love to chat, Madeline, but I’m afraid I’m already behind schedule on this coffin and it’s only a Funn Funeral if we get the body in the coffin in the ground on time. Georgie, why don’t you make yourself useful and get Madeline some bread and cheese."

#wooden overcoats #rudyard funn #madeline the mouse #georgie crusoe #podcasts #my fic #do i have a tag for that? #i do now!

[tsvaling]

Announcement? Update? Screaming at the void? I don’t know what to call this right now, so if anyone is curious about what the hell I’ve been doing all this time read on...

So, I’ve been getting a few asks about my ongoing fics and whether I’m going to continue them because I haven’t posted a new chapter in 2+ years. Well, as everyone knows, Covid fucked everything up, and 2020 was just a horrendously shitty year on the whole to start with. I have been insanely lucky to avoid getting sick (helps I do not socialize outside of work whatsoever, but considering I work in dental and am literally in people’s mouths all day - yeah, really fucking lucky to have avoid illness). But, the external stress and anxiety the ongoing plague has caused in me has really messed with my ability to write or do anything.

But, as I announced at the end of last year, I’m back in school. I took two classes in the spring and got A’s in both, with such amazingly consistent feedback on my writing that it began to inspire me again.... Except right as I was regaining my confidence, more shit started happening in my personal life to blow a hole in my intentions.

I’ll put the details to that under a cut at the end so if people don’t want to read the shit that’s led to endless existential dread and a burdensome mid-life crisis, you can ignore that part. I’ll just get to the point here.

Despite all the shit that’s been weighing on me the last few months... years, really... I do know I absolutely cannot continue to work where I’m at. I need to get out of the medical field for the sake of my mental health, as well as physical health. But, I can’t just quit because I have bills to pay and I don’t have anything lined up to move on to. I genuinely want to work from home, focusing on what I love and would like to do for a living - writing. My whole plan of getting a Master’s in Library Science after completing my B.A. is still kind of there, but all the feedback I got and the excitement I’m feeling for my writing courses has really told me that writing is something I need to be doing, but I can’t make money off fanfic (copyright law’s a lot stricter with writing versus art).

I’m almost afraid to announce this because it’s probably way too early, but I am working on an original high fantasy romance story that I intend to publish. I’m only in the early planning/ outlining/ worldbuilding stage, but it’s something I really want to write. It’s a smaller scale than a high fantasy saga I’ve had rattling around in my head for years, but it came to me and seems more manageable as a first foray into self-publishing that might give me a base to then spring into the larger saga that’s gotten more solid in shape over the years.

My plan for this is to make a Patreon once I have a solid draft of the story written, then post two chapters a week as I go through my early editing process, and then publish it as an ebook once I’m satisfied - likely using whatever funds I manage to get from Patreon to pay for an outside editor to finalize the book.

But, as I said, this is all in the early planning and hopeful yearning stage of my idea to make a career out of writing. I am absolutely terrified that even speaking about it may jinx me just because of how this year has gone, but I am excited to see if I can do it (all while also taking three classes this fall, ahahahaha).

As to what this means for my fanfic - I don’t know. I still really want to finish Amber Curse, but it’s become so difficult for me to concentrate on my fics that I might not be able to go back to it. Or, I might use it as a way to take a break from my own original work, especially since I can get away with sporadic posting and still get really great and inspiring feedback from people. We’ll see. I know I hate the idea of disappointing anyone with an incomplete story, especially one that is so BIG. So, while that’s sort of in limbo right now, I haven’t forgotten about it.

I’ll try to be more active on here, too - give updates about my process when I can.

But, for those curious as to what I’ve been dealing with this year that’s really fucked with my head, the details are under the cut. Fair warning for those who don’t want to be dragged down, there are mentions of illness and sudden death in the family.

Edit: Realized the post is on the long side, so the cut isn’t working on the mobile platform - so everything after this is just depressing shit you don’t have to read if you don’t want to.

At the beginning of the year my aunt died. She was my dad’s little sister and while we hadn’t been in regular contact with that side of the family, it still took a huge hit on my mental health. To add to it, at that same time, my dad discovered he had a lesion in his throat that came back as lymphoma. Fortunately it was caught early enough and is a form of lymphoma that responds incredibly well to chemo, so after three bouts of chemo and a few weeks of radiation, there is no sign of lymphoma in his system. But my dad is the type to panic over everything (I get it from him), and believe he’s going to die when he only has a common cold, so hearing he has cancer literally a few weeks after his sister died... yeah, not great news.

I am an only child, and I live with my parents, so I had to go with my dad to as many appointments as my schedule would allow so that I could help him understand the prognosis, treatment outcomes, and side effects. My mom’s also been having trouble driving, so anything he needed a driver for fell on me. To add to it, I had to basically act as his therapist and constantly reassure him that he is not going to die. My father and I had a very tense relationship when I was younger, and while we are on better terms now, spending any time with him is stressful because I’m innately terrified of him, but to add to it, I have to remain calm and be the voice of reason and reassurance throughout all this. Even when in the middle of a panic attack, I have to do everything in my power to mask it to make sure I don’t add to whatever the fuck my dad is freaking out about. Add to this extreme burnout from a job that requires me to show compassion and empathy to complete strangers on a regular basis that I no longer really have because it’s all used up - yeah, this whole thing has beaten down my already poor mental health.

And then, right as we were nearing the end of my dad’s treatment - literally he had one more radiation treatment the next day - my mom had a stroke. Again, we were insanely fortunate we caught it as early as we did. She had no signs of paralysis or facial drooping, but was extremely confused with verbal aphasia (word salad) worsening by the minute. My dad and I rushed her to the ER, they got a clot-busting medication into her within two hours of symptoms appearing, and she was pretty much back to normal and transferred to an ICU bed by the next morning. But, again, I had to act as medical advisor from the moment my dad noticed my mom’s changed mental state - assessing her symptoms as a nurse would and making the split second decision to go to the ER, and then literally assisted the nurse in the ER who was assigned to watch over her while the medication did its thing. I am not a nurse for a reason, and being my mother’s caretaker reaffirmed that reason, but my dad was relegated to a corner to do his best to hide his compulsion to freak the fuck out while I just took over all the hands-on work to keep my mom calm and give the nurse an extra pair of hands when my mom needed moving.

All of this has just reaffirmed that life is too short and I am too young to be facing my parents’ inevitable mortality. Chances are they will live for at least another 10 years, but they will need me to take care of them more and more over that time. While I am very fortunate that they are both still mobile and independent, these last few months have kept me on edge waiting for the next emergency to crop up.

Writing is therapeutic for me, so being stuck in a cycle of not being able to write but wanting to write has only made all this worse. But, I am forcing myself to break that cycle. Even if all I’m writing are little blurbs of poetry for myself, it is still something to maintain a fraction of my sanity. Hopefully things will calm down now that my parents have gotten over these hurdles and I can have some time to focus on my work, but if I suddenly go MIA again, chances are something major happened with piss poor timing again.

#;personal #ranting word vomit under the cut #hopefully i'm not jinxing myself by announcing this but fingers crossed I maintain my focus

[flfverse]

✨beta call✨

so, as you know, i have a beta for my flfverse fics. as of the past few months, they’ve been very busy with irl stuff and haven’t been able to read for me, and as you might have noticed [glances at Cross the Line] some works are stuck in limbo bc of it.

in order to let me feel less guilty about nudging them and take some stuff off their plate, i’m tossing a line out to the masses! hi!

details under the cut <3

SO i am admittedly a bit picky in this department, hence why it took like three months to work up to a call.

i’m looking for betas for Cross the Line (bakudeku) and Free Falling (dabihawks), as well as other assorted oneshots that i have scattered around (so far, mostly following class a). you can beta for all of them, any combination, or just one. doesn’t matter to me, just please be realistic with what you think you can handle.

potentially unnecessary amount of detail incoming. it’s very early and i Need to be Clear i get so worried. pls don’t be intimidated.

as far as handling goes, what are Beta Duties??

for me, beta-ing is 40% brainstorming help, 40% hype squad, and 20% actual editing help.

brainstorming i think is pretty self-explanatory, it’s mostly me crashing into your dms with random thoughts bc i am a chaos agent of disorganization, and you telling me if it’s cool or not and possibly riffing off it. but if you want to be the chaos agent with random thoughts, absolutely, go wild. also a lot of the time it will be me going “ugh i need to name this thing help” or “what are some activities that don’t involve eating bc i’ve already written four meals this chapter.” fun!

hype squad mostly means, uh, exactly what it sounds like. nice comments, reacting to things, yada yada. it’s not that hard i’m very easy to please i just thrive on validation and am frequently afraid that i magically lost my touch and accidentally wrote the worst thing ever.

editing entails mostly spelling, grammar, and punctuation, plus things like consistency and logic. i do not really edit my fics; there’s enough work in writing them, especially for these projects. instead, i do a lot of frontwork in outlining and drafting—i’ll probably have betas give feedback on those outlines as well for that purpose. that doesn’t mean you can’t point out a larger issue if you see it, butttt i might just decide it’s cool as-is. soz.

consider also the length of the projects. Cross the Line is probably about 2/3 of the way done, and oneshots will be ongoing but sporadic at best, while i try to keep Free Falling to 2 updates a month and it will probably go on for a million years.

alright, so if that sounds cool to you, shoot me a dm! i have parts of a shintodo oneshot and bakudeku oneshot in this ‘verse written that i will send to any potential betas as a trial run but don’t let that scare you off! they’re each about 2.5k and it’s all very lowkey and chill.

i almost exclusively have only close friends beta my stuff so i’m out here like a skittish animal about it lmao and i need to test the Vibes. objectively i don’t really edit so it’s barely different from posting to ao3 but. forgive me i am tenderhearted.

okay, that concludes our beta call! <3 see y’all uh soon.

so, that’s that! if you are interested shoot me a dm

#beta stuff #idk what to tag this yall already know #if i’m talking a lot it’s bc i’m NERVOUS #and i have to be specific about my expectations bc if my beta routine changes drastically i will Perish And Die #pls dont be professional about this #we’re talking about fictional little guys #stay silly :3 and all that

[angryonabus]

2022 Writing Review:

Total number of completed stories:  Six stories across five fandoms, only one of which I had written in prior to this year.

Total word count: Per AO3, I posted 18278 words, although solidly two thirds of that were written pre-pandemic.  Per my writing counter, I wrote just over 45k words overall, which feels…accurate.

Fandom Breakdown:  Our Flag Means Death x 2, Schitt’s Creek, Dragon Age: Absolution, Locked Tomb, & Heart of Gold

Overall Thoughts: Looking back through my writing tracker was an interesting exercise in, “oh, huh, yeah, I actually made a pretty solid start on that, didn’t I?”  There are multiple stories that already have at least 10k written; maybe my goal for 2023 should be to finish one of those? 

…update: well, my last (?) story for 2022 was one that I started in January of 2020; COVID made it tough to write about large groups of people hanging out together, so it’s been languishing for the better part of three years.  I sat down yesterday to work on it, only to discover that it was roughly 300 words away from being finished.   Sitting down and actually fucking writing: WILDLY effective!  Who knew?!

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?  Less than last year, but probably still more than I would have predicted?  2022 was a very weird year for me, writing-wise…I ended the year with a completely different set of active fandoms than I had in January, and I also basically stopped writing when I started a new job in August, so that was a four month hiatus I wasn’t planning on.  And yet I did actually write words!  Go me.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? …all of them, TBH.  Yuletide is always a weird outlier, but neither Our Flag Means Death nor Dragon Age: Absolution were even remotely on my radar in January.  

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?  I think the biggest risk I took was just giving myself permission to NOT WRITE for several months…this fall was exhausting for RL reasons, and I didn’t have the energy or the brain.  I was lowkey  afraid that if I let myself stop, I’d never start again, but clearly that didn’t happen; December actually wound up being the month with the highest wordcount.

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year? In 2022 my goal was 200 words a day, which I absolutely did not meet.  For 2023, I think I’m going to excuse myself from numerical goals, but I really would like to finish at least one of the bigger stories that has been languishing in my Google Drive.

From my past year of writing, what was…

My best story of this year:  this is probably a tie between tippet-de-witchet and there’s one in every family, child (two in mine)—they both started with a very specific vision, and I think they both did what I intended for them to do.

My most popular story of this year:  definitely tippet-de-witchet!  Fandom likes dumb jokes and cunnilingus; news at 11.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: I feel pretty appreciated, tbh!  Mostly I wrote weird niche shit and that’s fine by me.

Story with the single sexiest moment:  tippet-de-witchet, again.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:  As last year, I don’t think anything I’ve written is particularly wrong OR particularly surprising. 

...maybe the spark before the dark, actually; that one did have a working title of 'bonefucking'.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: little & broken (but still good) was an interesting exercise in figuring out character voices!

Hardest story to write: This one is a tie!  One the one hand, history lesson [THREAD] fought me hard.  First I had to figure out the story I wanted to tell, which wasn’t easy—the canon has aged, uh, not particularly well, and it took me a while to find my angle for the story.  And then I had to figure out how to use work skins in order to make everything look right!  NIGHTMARE FUEL.

…on the other hand, I started writing there’s one in every family, child (two in mine) in two thousand and twenty, so.  

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: that there’s one in every family, child (two in mine) is less “telling” and more “ripped from the headlines of my life”, but, enh, potato, potato.

In conclusion:  Writing: it’s fun, apparently?  And I do in fact still have things to say even if I give myself a few months off.

#writing #2022

[internerdionality]

Can I ask if there is anything percolating in the Suffer a Sea Change series? That "pre-ship" tag is haunting me.

I am also equally haunted by the I'm Not Ready for Whatever This Is series. The impending poly situations. help.

Yes, you absolutely can, thank you for asking, and yes, there is! The latter will be out well before the former, but both are very much in the works.

I am kind of a classic case of ADD “takes on too many fics” kinda writer. Right now my top priorities/fics I feel driven to write are:

My winter exchange fic for the Sprizzy server (currently untitled, about halfway done, will be posted third week of January come hell or high water)

The next Stizzy installment for I’m Not Ready for Whatever This Is, which is going to be titled "Add a Flourish" (I was hoping for this next part to plunge into the SteddyHands but Stede wasn’t done wallowing in angst. Almost done, will be posted second or fourth week of January depending on how progress on the exchange fic goes)

Finishing Fuck it Through as a Crew (draft of the chapter is done but needs some heavy editing, also January)

Final chapter of Paid with Sighs and Rubies (about half done, aiming for late January/early February)

Always another chapter of my “Batman becomes a cat” fic, whenever I have time

Past that, things get hazier. I really want to get back to my Marvel time travel fix-it but I’ve been a bit blocked on the next chapter. I have a T4T4T modern GentleScribed that I keep meaning to finish but have barely touched since Season 2 came out. The next chapter of Burning Like Embers, Falling Tender is actually about half done but every chapter of that thing is a monster, now, so it still has a lot of writing before it'll be ready to post.

Annddd yes, the sequel to Soaked to the Skin, which is titled Cut to the Bone and explores Izzy and Lucius settling into Stede's crew and figuring out what Lucius being polyam actually means for them, while Ed wrestles with having lost Stede and Izzy! I have about 35K written for it, but most of that was drafted in late 2022 and very early 2023. I haven't had the motivation to work seriously on it for a while, I'm afraid, but I do really want to get back to it.

To be honest, I have some insecurities about it being not as good as Soaked to the Skin—I don't want to follow my baby with something that'll disappoint readers! But I'm hoping once I clear the decks from some of my top numbered priorities above (assuming they don't immediately get replaced with new plot bunnies, lol), I'll find the energy to focus on it again. I've had some beta readers go through the current in-progress chapters recently and they have been giving me some more hype about it!

(Although if it's the Ed/Izzy pre-ship tag that's haunting you, that plot thread isn't going to pick back up until the third — and final? maybe? unless I turn in into a quartet? — installment for that series, tentatively titled Struck to the Heart. Except for how, you know, his devotion to Ed is always driving Izzy's character and motivations. But they're not going to be in the same zip code at any point during Cut to the Bone. I'm so, so sorry. )

And then finally, down here in my purgatory, I have my "I swear I haven't abandoned you" fics like Unmoored (next chapter started, at least?), Dining is Pageantry, my three Good Omens WIPs, the sequel to Learning at the Foot of One of the Greats, the next chapter of What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor (I swear I'm gonna finish that fic one day, I swear), Praying on the Height, and that Rizzy cannibalism fic I keep promising HopelessScribe I'll finish :D

And below that I have my graveyard fics that I haven't worked on in months but really do want to go back to one day—the DC/Slayerverse crossover, the insane Dragonriders of Pern OFMD AU, my winter piece (from last year, oy) for Dragonmuse's Leda House series, and all my poor abandoned SuperBat wips!

#my writing #fanfic writing #fanfic wips #ask answered

[robo-dino-puppies]

sooooooo... s2 of good omens is coming out soon and I’m hyped (but nervous! but also hyped!). I’ve stayed away from most promotional material so aside from knowing about some new characters I’m going in pretty blind.

I don't really consider myself a writer ... I've never posted anything anywhere, or really shared anything ever. I don’t read a ton of fanfic bc for whatever reason the stars have to align just right for me to be into it, and that doesn’t always happen even for my most beloved fandoms (like star wars - love Luke to bits, can’t stand to read practically anything about him. and yet I can read Rebels and Clone Wars-era fic just fine. idek). buuuuuuut after s1 of good omens I did devour several months of other peoples’ fic, and start (and never finish) a thing myself, and I kind of wanted to post the very rough first draft snippets I had for... posterity? I guess? or... as a push for me to try writing more? so. be warned if you click the readmore it’s gonna be a giant text post.

I feel a little sad that I never did more with it, and a little sad that now with s2 it will be firmly AU instead of... whatever you call canon-compliant things that continue on after canon has ended, but also excited because maybe s2 will spark more ideas, since I kind of ran out of inspiration and drive. anyway!

working title was Fire Above the Tideline, and it follows a surveillance demon (Kri) and a filing angel (Elstael) and what plans Heaven might have had after the failed apocalypse.

if you’re reading this (why? haha) snippets are separated by ‘--’s and some might make sense in sequence, but some others have big timeskips with no context.

--

Kriddar watches. Surveillance and intelligence are far too sophisticated words for Hell's work, she thinks, after a few years of doing it. She just... watches. Things, people, places. High-valued souls ready to stumble. It's not exciting work, particularly. She's never there when things go down, as the humans say, if the things in question ever do, in fact, go down. Her rank is unremarkable - not the lowest of the low, but whatever happens at the top is far beyond her paygrade. (Not, of course, that she's ever been paid.)

Watching Earth isn't considered a desirable position. She gets jeering laughter and sneers when she tells other demons her job (although to be fair, that’s a common reaction from other demons about anything). You had to be stuck on Earth, after all, and spend a lot of effort avoiding getting too noticed by the humans. But Kriddar finds she actually likes it. Earth has air that isn't stagnant, humid, and choking with bitter ash. It has climates that aren't sweltering or freezing. Even in crowded cities, which remind her of Hell quite a bit, people tend to respect as much of a personal bubble as they can. In Hell, her fellow demons go out of their way to purposefully elbow everyone they can in a crowded hall. There are a lot of humans, but Earth is quiet in a way Hell could never be.

After the Armageddon-that-didn't, Kriddar is afraid that she's going to be called back to the home office as upper management figures out what to do. But she hears nothing for three days until she she gets her new assignment out of a tinny smartphone speaker. The kid in possession of said smartphone is annoying the very limited good graces out of a whole car of New York subway riders with a loud video of another child who is opening a toy for the camera. The level of discontent and malice being directed at both kid and parent from the rest of the commuters is truly breathtaking (to use a human turn of phrase) and would probably fuel the bubbling sulfur pools Downstairs for several millennia to come.

"DEMON KRIDDAR." The video-kid's obnoxious, ear-shattering voice gets a definitely demonic undertone that no one can hear but her. "YOU ARE BEING REASSIGNED."

"Mm?" she says to her book. Although people talking to themselves are not exactly an uncommon sight on the train, it's enough to draw people's attention when she doesn't want it, so she concentrates a little harder on being unremarkable. She's told them time and time again not to call her in public, but do they listen? No, of course not.

Nothing to make her job easier.

"LONDON. WATCH THE DEMON CROWLEY. MONTHLY REPORTS."

"Mm-hm." She flips a page. Watching a demon is unusual, but if this is the same Crowley that was mixed up in the botched apocalypse it makes sense. She's heard some rumors.

"FIRST REPORT DUE BY MONTH’S END. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"Mm-hm," she repeats, and casually closes her book. The video goes back to being the shrieking kid, who is now screaming with laughter, and the palpable fury in the car ratchets up another notch.

Kriddar sighs and twitches her fingers against the creased paperback cover of her book. The smartphone miraculously flashes and spits a cloud of acrid smoke. The kid drops it with a yelp, and then starts crying. The murderous miasma that had settled over everyone in the car slowly starts to dissipate. Wet snuffles and wailing aren't actually much better than the previous noise, in her demonic opinion, but at least she's fairly sure that now the humans aren't going to pull out a weapon and commit homicide. That would have necessitated police, who would have asked everyone questions, which would have meant delays. Kriddar wants none of those things.

Now that she has a new assignment, she's got a plane to catch.

--

London feels much the same as the last time she'd been there, although that had been forty years ago. Of course, it looks different. The cars, the buildings, the people... She hangs around in Heathrow for a bit, watching the humans bubble about in the messy, harried, angry soup of emotion that is any international airport. The clothing isn't all that different from New York, of course, so she leaves her appearance as-is and gets on a bus heading toward Soho.

She's got a slip of paper in her pocket with the demon Crowley's last known whereabouts. A bookshop, apparently. This makes her smile. Kriddar likes books. They give her plenty of plausible cover when she's sitting around waiting for something to happen. For a while, that's all she'd used them for. But then, out of the boredom visited upon her by a target who refused to do anything reportable for days on end, she'd actually tried reading them, and... well. Humans were fascinating. She's read books about what they think Hell is like (all inaccurate, on the whole, but some parts they'd imagined are startlingly worse than the reality), on Heaven (she can't remember Heaven enough to judge their accuracy, but she figures they'd done about as well as they had with Hell), on human history (shockingly inaccurate considering they were the ones who had lived it), and everything in between. She likes fiction the most - imaginary humans doing imaginary things. Sometimes imaginary not-humans. It's like they’d invented their own plane of existence, drawn in it ink and stuffed it into the space between fragile paper pages. Creation on par with the Almighty Herself, if Kriddar felt like being blasphemous (she did).

The bookshop is on a corner, painted brick-red, with light stone columns framing a wooden door. She walks up to read the sign in the window, reaching for the handle, and immediately pulls her fingers away and hisses. She takes a step back. Something is awful about the door - no, not awful. Good. It's radiating... the whole place is steeped in... in angelic energy. She scrubs her tongue against the roof of her mouth and makes a face. Well, no new books for her, then. Anything coming out of that shop would reek of goodness and light. Entirely off-putting.

"He's closed," someone on the street says.

Kriddar winces. The shock of the bookshop's aura must have made her don't-notice-me glamour slip. She slowly gathers it around herself again as she turns. "Oh?" she says mildly to the human.

"Yeah, been closed since Saturday, I think. Some people around here swear the place was on fire then, but... well, looks fine to me. He keeps daft hours anyway."

"I'll try later, then. Thanks," she says. Her glamour should take care of it, but it never hurts to be polite when interacting with the humans, if only because they're less likely to remember her that way. With a final metaphorical tug she secures the I'm-unremarkable compulsion around her and watches as the encounter dribbles out of the human’s mind like water squeezed from a sponge. He continues on down the street as if he'd never stopped.

She retreats from the shop and finds a place to settle in and watch, and to check the paper in her pocket again. No, she definitely has the right address. The thing is, she just can't understand how a demon could be inside such a place for any length of time. It would have her tearing her corporation’s hair out. Perhaps it's the right address, but Crowley is no longer there? As she hides herself behind a newspaper, she reaches out with senses honed by centuries of observing. And yes, there is unmistakably one demon inside that shop. As well as one angel.

--

Four days later she sees the door to the bookshop finally open into the bright late-summer morning. Two figures come down the steps: Crowley is easily recognizable from his description, so the other must be the angel she'd heard about. They're smiling, arm-in-arm, and positively joyous. They both circle a shiny, black, illegally-parked car, and Crowley opens the door for the angel before sliding into the driver's seat himself. The car rumbles to life; he drives away with an unlikely effervescent laugh and a speed that the other humans on the road don't appreciate.

It should turn her stomach.

But there's something about them that is intriguing, pulling at her mind much like an unexpected plot twist in a book. Despite the positively heavenly vibe of the bookshop, the angel hadn't been throwing off holiness and Grace like the few other angels she's had the misfortune of meeting during her stint on Earth. And Crowley - for all that people said he was Satan's favorite, that he's been working temptations and wreaking havoc among the humans since Eden - was more of a mild, mosquito-like buzz of evil rather than a maelstrom of it. She folds up the newspaper and taps her fingers against the soft crinkled pages before dropping it on the sidewalk.

Now that Kriddar has the sense of him, she can follow his energy across the city. It's (unfortunately) not as easy as how the humans plug an address into their clever handheld computers and have it spit out a flag on a virtual map, but it's far better than trying to find him by sight alone.

It takes her a while, but she finally ends up at a restaurant. Going inside is far too risky - it's hardly two tables across, no corners to surreptitiously peek around, not even a leafy ficus near the door to lurk behind. There's a window, but the odd pair isn't seated next to it. She grumbles to herself. Outside will have to do.

She walks up and down the sidewalk on the other side of the street to judge her options, picks a spot, and waits.

They're just visible inside the shop - two figures seated opposite each other, plates and cups on the table between them. The angel tends to gesture enthusiastically; Crowley, on the other hand, is nearly motionless, leaning toward him with his chin propped on his hand and an expression on his face she can only describe as besotted. Every once in a while she can see that he speaks and laughs, but the angel clearly carries most of the conversation. Over an hour later they finally emerge. Again smiling and happy, again Crowley opening the door for the angel. His hand lingers on the angel's shoulder as he settles into the car's leather seat. They share a look of such overpowering fondness that even across the street, Kriddar sneezes. And then he gets into the other side of the car and speeds away.

She puts down her book and stares after them. This is not, she thinks in bafflement, at all what she expected.

--

The sign on the bookshop's door has not been changed to open, but she can see movement inside the windows. It's not him, but the angel. He walks around the shop, talking, picking books off shelves and tables, then walking out of her view. A little while later, he repeats the process. This goes on for long enough to force her to choose a different spot if she wants to stay in the shadows.

Finally the doors open again.

"Just think of it this way," Crowley says, stepping out. "Now you actually have some books to sell."

"I've sold books before," the angel insists, coming to the door and watching Crowley saunter to the car.

"Mm," he says. He opens the driver's side and leans against the frame casually. "How many? One every decade? One every two decades?"

"Oh, hush," the angel says, and they both laugh.

Kriddar barely holds in the sneeze this time.

Crowley slides into the seat. "Be back before dinner."

"The Ritz?" The angel's eyes light up.

"Whatever you want, angel," he says, and drives off with another unbearably fond look.

She waits until the angel has gone back inside the shop and she can no longer see him in the windows before following the trail of Crowley's energy. It leads her to a block of expensive flats in Mayfair. The car is parked outside and he is nowhere in sight. It presents more of a challenge, snooping-wise, than the bookshop had. There's far less cover.

Eventually she decides to use the roof of a neighboring building. It's short work to miracle the locked lobby open and take the stairs to the top floor. Another miracle and she's through the door to the roof.

Crowley's flat is a penthouse, and she's got a great view of it from her new spot. She immediately sees motion through one of the windows, although she can't see him, exactly. There seems to be a great deal of vibrant green vegetation in the way. She settles into a seated position and props her chin on her hand.

--

The unexpected whump of seriously strong demonic wards materializing out of nowhere nearly knocks her sideways. For a panicked second she is sure he's spotted her and she's going to have a fight on her hands, and Kriddar is terrible at fighting.

But nothing comes, and when she gathers her courage to probe at the wards, she finds them neatly contained by the walls of the flat. She can no longer sense his presence behind them.

"Well fuck you too," she grumbles. First the assignment turns out weird - demon and angel, somehow involved in the failure of Armageddon, apparently best of... friends? - and now he has to go and make it difficult on top of that?

She climbs to her feet, feeling suddenly exposed without her supernatural senses being able to pinpoint him. The ward even seems to block her human vision though the windows, because they've turned both strangely flat and excessively reflective at the same time. It's enough to give her corporation a headache.

The roof is no longer a good vantage point, so she goes back down the stairs and reinforces her don't-notice-me enough that she hopes it will work even with on demons. There's a good view of his car through the lobby windows, so that's where she parks herself, doing away with any pretense of books or newspapers.

She can feel the second he leaves the flat and pops back up on her metaphysical radar. She holds perfectly still.

He doesn't even glance around as he saunters out of his building and climbs back into the car. A pedestrian has to dodge him before she loses sight of the car to traffic.

--

It's already getting easier to track him, now that she knows some likely places he'll go. She travels rather confidently back to the bookshop, pleased to see the car parked carelessly outside it, but she freezes as she gets closer. The same dark wards that he'd put up at the flat are here, too, as well as a shimmering angelic protection that floats outside the whole building, looking like a soap bubble if she stares into another dimension. She grumbles.

--

What Kriddar doesn't realize is that Heaven has sent another angel. It's just that they're as astonishingly good at their job as their previous colleagues have been bad at it.

The don't-notice-me around them is so intense that it takes her five whole days to, well. Notice. When she does, it's just the tiniest itch at the back of her brain. Like a toothache that your tongue couldn't leave alone, she imagines, if she'd ever have had a toothache. Her eyes keep wandering away from Crowley to a particular bench, then she scolds herself for getting distracted and looks back at Crowley. But then her brain says, hey, wait, there's something... and she looks back to the bench. It's nearly ten minutes of this before she sees the angel, sitting upright and still, and it's a minute more before her brain can comprehend that she's seen the same angel for four days in a row, but just not noticed them.

"Well, damn," she breathes to herself. She's never been aware of being on the receiving end of a misdirection before. It's unsettling and impressive at the same time.

She gets up and walks over to the bench. It's a risk, she supposes, but she's so curious. This angel is clearly different from the others.

--

[cw: uhhhhh violent “death” (discorporation) lol - nothing too graphic I think]

"Remove your hand from me," the angel says coldly.

Kriddar blinks and does so. Then she steps back onto the sidewalk and shrugs, palms up.

"Do not presume to touch an angel of the Lord," they say, and walk on.

Unfortunately, straight into the path of an oncoming red double-decker bus.

Tires screech, as do humans, and a fragile flesh-and-blood corporation goes flying. Kriddar slides her hands into her pockets and surveys the grisly scene with no small amount of amusement. The angel's corporation isn't getting back up, that's for sure. It gives a few wet, pained gasps before going limp as the humans scream and flutter about.

"Watch out," she says, with the mild air of someone commenting on the weather. "There's a bus."

The angel, floating ethereally above their former corporation, sends a blistering metaphysical glare in her direction.

"You might want to learn how traffic works," she suggests. "Otherwise you were doing great. Top notch, really. Much better than your colleagues." She gives a jaunty wave and picks her way through the stopped cars, around the vaguely human-shaped smear and the unhappy mortals, to the other side of the street. She can practically feel the glare on the back of her neck before she hears the whoosh of the angelic energy leaving the earthly plane of existence. She allows herself a laugh and continues on to the Soho bookshop.

Two days later they're in the park again, and so is a certain angel.

"That must have set a record, getting the paperwork for new corporation through so fast," she says, coming up behind the bench and dangling her arms over the back of it.

The angel doesn't respond for a few long minutes. Kriddar doesn't mind. She watches Crowley instead, noting the way he leans into Aziraphale's shoulder and how their fingers brush together as they toss peas to the ducks. Don't presume to touch an angel of the Lord, indeed.

"You were trying to warn me," the angel says.

Kriddar gives them a sideways glance. "I was."

"Why?"

"We were having a conversation, weren't we?" She shrugs. "Terrible way to go, anyway. Happened to me once, back when cars were newer and traffic wasn't so... regulated. By the way, you read up on that yet? Traffic?"

"I... yes." If she's not mistaken, the angel looks sheepish. "I believe I underestimated the dangers of this plane."

Kriddar laughs and leans closer. "Oooh, yes, lots of lovely ways to die here. Humans are very creative."

"It's amazing that they survive against such adversity."

"Suppose," she says.

They fall into silence, watching their respective targets. They finish with the peas and lounge against the fence for a while, watching the ducks. The sun floats lower, painting the pond with autumnal gold light. That's a sight you wouldn't get in Hell, she thinks. And probably not Heaven, either. Nothing holy about it, after all, just... Earthy.

"I like this one better, anyway," the angel says, apropos of nothing.

Kriddar blinks, and wonders if she’s missed the angel saying something before. "Sorry?"

"This corporation." They look down at themselves, stretching long fingers out above their knees, sticking their feet out too, as if to examine them. They're taller than the last time, obviously taller than Kriddar (most people are). Their features are less masculine, although not what she'd consider particularly feminine, either. Too strong a nose and too sharp of a jaw for that. Their skin is darker than Kriddar's, sort of a latte-ish color (Kriddar likes lattes, especially from a particular American chain of coffeeshops - there's a bitterness in them that's not entirely from the coffee that is a delight to her demonic tongue), and their hair is a dark brown halo of curls.

"Well, better try to stay out of traffic, then," she says.

For the first time, the angel cracks a smile. Just a tiny one, just a little lift of the corners of their mouth, but it sparks something inside Kriddar. Hell isn't the place to trade jokes. Derisive laughter, sure, but not friendly amusement. And that's what it feels like - friendly. It's a new feeling. She's surprised to find that she likes it.

"Do you like yours, ah, Kree- Kree..."

"Kree-dar," she enunciates. "My body?" She wiggles her fingers. "Sure, I guess. A bit short, but nice enough. It does its job."

"Kriddar, sorry. I'm Elstael." The angel holds out an elegant hand.

"Thought I wasn't supposed to touch you?"

The angel looks... embarrassed. "I apologize for that. I misjudged you."

She takes their hand and gives them a sharp smile. "You really didn't. I could've stopped you getting run over by the bus if I'd tried."

A flicker of uncertainty crosses their features, but they don't drop her hand for another second. "And I could have researched Earth more thoroughly and not assumed the worst of you. But here we are."

"You should assume the worst of me. I'm a demon."

The angel folds their hands on their lap. "I suppose that's true."

But they say it with another twist of their lips, like they're sharing a joke, and for some reason Kriddar doesn't feel like pushing the issue.

--

She thinks about the exchange later, staying out of the rain in dragonfly form as she watches Crowley's flat. The angel - Elstael - had unintentionally shortened her name, as if it were a nickname. She is... unused to the idea. If you got a nickname in Hell, it wouldn't be a nice one. Kriddar wasn't her original name, of course, but it was the only one she could remember. It had never felt right, not exactly, but it was what she had.

Except.

Except she had heard that after the fall, Crowley had been called Crawly, and he had chosen the name Crowley for himself some time later. "Flash bastard," they'd said, scornful. But just like that, he’d picked a new name, and kept it. And most demons called him Crowley now.

"Kreeeee," she says to herself. "Kri."

It sounds interesting. Fun. Different.

She thinks she'll keep it.

--

"Kriddar," the angel says the next time they see each other.

"Actually, it's Kri now," she says.

The angel raises their eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Yeah. You messed my name up the other day, but I like the way it sounded. So. Kri."

The angel presses their lips together and frowns. "Can you do that? Just... change your name?"

She shrugs. "Why not?"

Silence falls as the angel - Elstael, she figures she should call them, since they don't seem to be going anywhere - considers this. Crowley and Aziraphale share lunch at a cafe, their legs tangling under the little table. A cup of steaming coffee and a single plate with half a sandwich sits in front of the demon; there's a much wider spread in front of the angel - pasta, a salad, a few half-eaten appetizers. As she watches, Aziraphale offers some of the pasta to Crowley, who leans across the table to bite it off the fork. He licks his lips and smiles, says something, and Aziraphale smiles back.

She doesn't feel the urge to sneeze, anymore. Perhaps she's become immune.

"Do you understand this?" Elstael asks, after they're done with their meal.

"Understand what now?"

They wave a hand at the scene in front of them. "The whole... That."

"Nah," she says. "Not my job, anyway. I'm just supposed to watch and report."

"But..." They rub their fingers against their crisp dove-grey trousers. "Don't you wonder?"

She smirks. "Careful with wondering, your celestialness, that's dangerous for angels."

"I’m not entirely sure it is, though? If that," they gesture to the cafe, where Crowley is gazing nothing short of adoringly at Aziraphale, who is returning the gaze in kind, "isn't enough to cause him to Fall, I don't think that wondering about it is either."

They have a point, there. Crowley is her job, not the angel, but she has to admit she’s through about it. Why hasn't the angel Fallen? It must be a sin to... to do whatever they're doing. Angels and demons don't mix. They're like poles on a magnet, aren't they? They should push each other away. They shouldn't be able to touch.

Aziraphale slides his arm around through Crowley’s. For a fraction of a second, she thinks Crowley actually blushes, which shouldn't be possible for a demon, should it? Then he smiles easily, brightly, and they walk down the street.

Before they get too far away, she and Elstael rise from their bench and start to follow.

"I kept track of his file," they say out of nowhere.

"You know," Kri says, "you really need to work on your conversational rhythm."

"Sorry. Aziraphale's file, in Heaven. With all of the records we had on him. Centuries of travel records and photos. He shows up a lot."

"He shows up in his own file, does he? Shocking."

"No, I meant... the... the demon." They hesitate before saying quietly, "Crowley." As if his name will summon him.

Kri frowns and looks over. "'Shows up a lot' meaning...?"

"Frequently," Elstael says.

She makes a face and lets her head fall back in exasperation. Conversations with the angel are a bit like taking a tapestry apart thread by thread. Painstaking and excruciating, but she wants to know what will happen if she tugs at a strand, so she keeps on doing it.

"I meant," she says, with a patience that surprises even herself. "How. Frequently."

They look at her, hesitating, as if they've just realized that perhaps they shouldn't be sharing this information. She uses her experience with human interaction to look open, friendly, nonthreatening. To her surprise, it seems to work just as well on the angel, and they continue. "At first, not often. Then every few centuries. Then every few decades. Quite frequently, in this last millennium."

"Heaven knew this and didn't do anything?"

Very intriguingly, the angel looks uncomfortable. "Well, I was in charge of the file."

Pick, pick, pick. Kri pulls at the thread. "You mean, you knew, and didn't tell them?"

"I didn't know anything." Elstael sounds, if anything, regretful. "I didn't- he was just around. They were enemies, weren't they? They would meet sometimes. Er, in that capacity."

"But...?"

They don't answer right away, because their targets have stopped. There's a little food cart selling frozen desserts. Aziraphale orders, hands over the bits of plasticky paper the humans value so much. Takes ice creams from the vendor, passes one to Crowley.

"You ever had ice cream?" Kriddar asks.

"Of course not," they answer, immediately.

"Afraid it would tarnish the holiness of your ethereal person?" Kri thinks the pair has moved on enough, so she steps into the line. Elstael joins her.

"No, I've never eaten anything before. I told you this is the first time I've been to the physical plane."

"Oh." They wait, the angel looking over her head toward Crowley and Aziraphale, who have stopped to peer in some shop windows. "You want one, then?"

Elstael doesn't answer until she's next in line. "I suppose."

"Two vanillas, one plain, one with sprinkles," she orders, holding out some rather confused pound notes that had seconds before been unsuspecting scraps of paper in her pocket. "Loads of sprinkles."

Elstael eyes the money suspiciously, but says nothing. They take the plain cone in hesitating fingers and examine it as if looking for a hidden grenade.

"Either convince it not to melt or eat up quick," she says, taking a messy lick of her own and getting sprinkles on her face. Elstael looks satisfyingly horrified at her lack of manners.

They continue on down the street. It's hard to keep an eye on Crowley when she really wants to see the angel's reaction to ice cream, the first thing they'll ever have eaten.

Elstael takes a breath like they're bracing themselves for pain. Then, gingerly, stick their tongue out and touch the ice cream.

"It's cold!" they say, as if taking offense.

"Ice cream," Kri says, not holding in her laugh.

"Ah." They take a tiny bite off the top of it. "Hm." They swallow. "It's.. sweet."

"That's the point. It's dessert."

They're silent again for a while (Elstael may find it strange at first, but has no difficulty finishing the ice cream) as they pace behind Crowley and Aziraphale. The angel miracles their fingers clean and disposes of the wrapper neatly in a trash receptacle. Kri catches their eye and drops hers on the sidewalk.

"No!" they scold, and retrieve it with a glare. Kri grins and shrugs with her hands out, sticky fingers and all.

"Was it any good, then?" she asks.

"Don't litter," they say. "Yes, it was actually quite nice. Is all food like that?"

"Not at all. You got your sweet, your sour, savory, salty, spicy. Or any combination."

"How interesting."

"Yep, humans are fascinating. So back to the files," Kri says, unable to let it lie any longer. It's like a book she can't put down, fingers drawn to turning the pages until she finds out what happens. "You knew they'd been meeting, but...?"

"Ah. It just seemed - well, I was only a clerk, after all. I didn't have anything to do with collecting the information. No one asked. So I never brought it up." They pause again as their targets do. "I thought it was strange, though, an angel meeting a demon like that. I kept track, whenever I had to add anything to the file. And I suppose..."

Kri waits, the weft slipping out of the warp slowly, tortuously. Don't make me pull more, she thinks.

"I suppose I thought they were happy."

She quirks an eyebrow.

"I know it seems strange. They shouldn't be, should they? They’re opposites. But look at them." They gesture to the pair, standing at the base of the wide steps leading up to a museum. "They are happy, aren't they? Despite... everything."

"It appears so," she agrees.

"I didn't think it was wrong. And then after... well, what happened..."

"The failed apocalypse?" Kri supplies.

Elstael gives her a little sideways look. "Well, no. I mean after."

"What about after?"

The angel looks startled. "You don't know?"

This puts her ill at ease, that the angel knows something she doesn't. But she doesn't let that show. "I know what happened in Hell," she lies confidently.

"Well, I don't know about down there, but I heard Aziraphale was, er, escorted to Heaven to face his punishment, and he was able to stand in a hellfire inferno without it so much as singeing a hair out of place."

Kri feels a chill go down her spine. She had heard rumors to the same effect concerning Crowley, except with holy water, but she'd dismissed them as wild hyperbole. Demons couldn't survive holy water. And angels couldn't survive hellfire. Those were just facts.

But apparently they weren't. Not anymore.

"So that's why they want to keep an eye on him," Elstael finishes, not noticing her discomfort.

"Obviously," she says.

"But he hasn't done anything since then, has he? Neither of them have. They're just..." Here the angel sighs. It's a delicate, almost longing sigh, and it makes Kri's lip twitch in distaste. "Well, they're in love, aren't they?"

"Yeah, and my sinuses don't thank them for it." The two are going up the steps now, into the museum. She starts to follow them, but the angel stays put.

"Wait, won't they see us?"

Kri laughs. "They already know we're around. If they wanted their privacy, they should have tried harder to lose us. We know they can if they want to."

Still Elstael hesitates, so she shrugs. "I'm doing my job, featherbrains. See you later."

She leaves the angel at corner of the street and jogs up the steps.

--

The place is full of art. It is, in her opinion, staggeringly uninteresting. She would think that as a fellow demon Crowley would share said opinion, whatever company he was keeping these days, but he seems to be as engaged as Aziraphale. They trade quiet comments, laughing sometimes, silently observing at others. Some of Crowley's thoughts on the artists are properly unkind, which she approves of, but then sometimes Aziraphale agrees with him and adds his own biting, decidedly unangelic commentary as well, which is unsettling.

...stood in a hellfire inferno, they'd said. But Kri can feel the holy presence of him all the way across the exhibit hall. He's no fallen angel, and Crowley is still definitely a demon. The shiver revisits her spine and she thinks, the world really is different now, isn't it.

She loses them about halfway through the museum. Fair's fair, she decides, and starts to head back toward the entrance, when a hand clamps around the lapels of her jacket and throws her against a dimly lit wall. Her useless breath escapes her lungs in a squeak.

"You're following usssss," he hisses, and she presses herself back against the wall.

She's been trailing him for over a month now, and she's never been this close to him. She's seen him laugh, and make a ridiculous number of besotted faces at Aziraphale, and drink coffee and wine and eat ice cream and feed the ducks at the park. The only demonic thing she's really seen him do were the wards around his flat and the bookshop, and they weren't even nasty ones. The impression she had formed, given what she had observed, was that for being the Serpent of Eden he was seriously off his game, and therefore harmless.

She is hastily revising this opinion.

Back when she had first clocked him coming out of the bookshop, she had expected him to be a maelstrom of evil, but she'd thought he was more like a mosquito. Now, here, with one of his hands twisted in her jacket and the other planted by her head, slitted snake eyes just visible over the top of his sunglasses, he puts her more to mind of the fire in a forge - banked, but ready to be stoked to an inferno within seconds. She's not afraid of his rail-thin corporation, or even what he could do to her in a fight, but rather the concentrated, determined intensity of his occult aura. It's not vicious or hateful like some of the more powerful demons she's met, it doesn't make her want to cower like the one time she'd had to give a report to Lord Beelzebub, but he wasn't off his game, not in any way that mattered in a confrontation like this. If anyone were off their game, it was her. She doesn't think she's ever misjudged a target this badly.

Slowly, she raises her hands, empty and placating, and tries to keep her voice calm. "Just doing a job," she says.

Her honesty seems to surprise him. He narrows his eyes further. "Oh, that'ssss it, is it?"

"It is. Observe and report. That's all."

His poison-yellow gaze travels across her face. "Hm," he says, twisting his grip tighter. "And what if we don't want to be followed?"

She coughs. Bargaining has been a successful tactic for her in the past. "Discorporate me and they'll just send someone else. Maybe someone who won't back off if you give them the slip around exhibit hall C. Devil you know and all that."

His lips twitch. "Not a terrible offer," he says. "But you're asking me to trust a demon. That rarely works out, in my experience."

"I've got nothing against you. Or him," she adds. "This is a nice assignment. Nice city. Trust that I'm lazy and selfish." And scared out of my fucking wits right now, she doesn't say.

Gradually, the fingers on her jacket loosen, and he gives her a wry smirk. "You've got a point there."

She keeps her hands up even after he lets go.

"I doubt Downstairsss will be very happy if they hear I caught you." he says, pushing the sunglasses up his nose. "I'd keep your reports short and sweet."

"I'm not stupid," she says. "Told you I wanted to keep the job."

--

Elstael stops to read some advisory signs before descending onto the beach. Kri waits, because she knows if she doesn't that she'll be called back to hear what they're about and it's easier to get it all over with in one go.

"It's a marine protected area," the angel says after finishing one of them.

"Good for it," Kri says.

A group of young, brightly-clothed, slightly raucous people approach the stairs and stop at the top of them as they shuffle various belongings among themselves for some reason. A woman dressed rather more plainly comes up behind them and frowns that they're blocking the path. She's wearing an expression that would be a perfect textbook example of "local resident observes tourists and is Very Tired of it" had any language possessed a word for such a thing.

"No fires above the high tide line?" the angel reads. "What does that mean?"

Kri shrugs - she's not planning on starting any fires - but the woman answers them.

"There's not much sand here, usually," she says. "It's mostly rocks, and underneath the rocks there's driftwood, even though you can't see it. So if you start a fire where the high tide won't put it out and it starts the driftwood smoldering, you could catch the whole beach on fire."

"Oh!" Elstael looks distressed. "Has that actually happened?"

The woman nods. "Yeah, in the seventies, I think. Some teenagers started a big one down at the other end."

Elstael tries to look down at the beach, but the view is blocked by the cliff and the young people. "And where is the high tide line?"

"This time of year, it's right at the bottom of the rocks, on the sand. You can see where it leaves a line of seaweed and stuff. In the winter it's practically up to the base of the cliff." She frowns harder at the group, who have finally started their descent. "But hardly anyone visits in the winter."

"Bit wet for sightseers?" Kri asks. She's had assignments in this part of the world before, and remembers what the winters are like.

"A bit," the woman agrees.

"Thank you," Elstael says to her, and she gives them a mild smile and nod before disappearing down the stairs.

The angel takes a few moments to finish reading the fire sign. Kri waits for them to move before following.

The woman had been right about the amount of rocks. There are at least fifty feet of grey, round-tumbled stones in a messy slope down to the sand. They're mostly on the large side, some as big as a human head, and they both have to be careful to not turn their corporations' ankles on them.

It's windy closer to the ocean. Before too long Kri feels her skin getting salty-sticky and her hair tangling with itself. Still, the sun is just the right temperature and the constant hiss and crash of the waves is soothing. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"What do you think?" she asks Elstael after a few beats of silence.

They turn their face into the wind. "I like it," they say. "It's very different from London, though."

"I'd say," Kri laughs. "Lots of places are different from London."

They turn bright, curious eyes to her. "Oh?"

"Well, yeah. Pretty much everywhere is different from everywhere else. Big cities tend to share some things, and small places do too, but everywhere is... unique."

"I didn't know." They start walking along the edge of the wet sand. "Heaven is more or less the same all over."

Hell isn't, Kri thinks. Hell is all sorts of uncomfortable differences - hot and cold, generally crowded but sometimes achingly desolate, dank, parching, filled with agonized screams or vicious whispers. It goes without saying that she tries not to think about it at all.

Instead, she points out a purple snail shell a little bit further on, and the angel inspects it curiously.

"This was an animal," they say, almost scandalized.

"Yeah. It was a snail." Kri points out the empty space inside the shell. "Not anymore."

"How sad," Elstael says, and they sound genuinely distressed about it.

"Circle of life, innit?" She shrugs. "You didn't kill it."

"I suppose," they say, bending to put the shell back on the ground.

"You can keep it," Kri says. "Take it as a souvenir. That's what people do at the beach."

The angel hesitates, the shell still pinched delicately between their fingers.

She chuckles at their indecision. "The snail isn't gonna want it back."

"It is beautiful," they say, straightening up.

Kri grins. They continue on down the beach, until they reach an outcropping of rock that stretches all the way into the water. There are tidepools there, and they inspect them for a while. A (living) relative of Elstael's shell leaves a squiggly trail in the sand in one, and intensely - almost neon - green anemones wave short tentacles in another. "Nice color," Kri compliments them. It's nothing compared to electric blue, but still a good effort.

As they peer closer at the other inhabitants of the rocks, the tide sweeps up unnoticed behind them and surges in around their ankles. They both yelp and leap away from the chilly water. Elstael looks around to see if their embarrassment was observed by anyone else, and Kri starts laughing. The angel joins in after a second.

Slowly, shaking waterlogged feet every few steps, they make their way to the sun-warmed rocks safely away from the waves. Kri sits and stretches her legs out in front of her, decides not to waste a miracle, and toes off her shoes to help them dry. Elstael copies her after a moment.

It's silly and simple and rather human, nothing either of them would have the chance to do in the course of their jobs, normally. But it's nice.

The sun sinks lower and paints the sky in fiery colors where it strains for the horizon. Above, the view into the firmament is all cool purples and blues, desaturated, soft. They are alone in the little corner of the beach, saltwater evaporating from their trousers and leaving behind crystals in the weave of the fabric and on their skin.

"The sign got me thinking of something," Elstael says, apropos of nothing, as per their usual.

"Marine protected area?" she asks, although she can't imagine what that would have to do with anything.

"No, no. About the fires."

Kri looks over at them. "What about the fires?"

The angel spreads their hands out, splaying their fingers across their knees. "The woman said the driftwood underneath the rocks, the stuff that you can't see, is the real danger."

Kri hums.

"It's sort of like us, isn't it?"

She blinks, frowns. "How so?"

"Ah, well..." They clear their throat. "Understand I'm not trying to insult you. But. You're not someone who's very important, er, Down There, are you?"

"I'll have you know that I'm quite insulted, Feathers." Kri makes a face of mock rage, and the angel laughs. "But yeah, I'd say that's fair."

"And I'm no one of import in Heaven. There are lots of other angels like me, just doing small jobs. Menial tasks, really. Are there lots of unimportant demons? Menial tasks in Hell?"

She blinks again, and thinks that she sees where this is going. "Yeah."

"And we were expected to fight, in the war with the Antichrist."

Kri remembers the sick feeling in her unnecessary stomach when she'd heard the call to arms, her travel orders to Meggido, and the guilty tsunami of relief she'd had when the whole thing had been called off. "Mm-hm."

"They need us to fight, even if they ignore us otherwise."

"I'd think so."

They reach down and crunch some salt out of their trousers. "But we don't want to."

"Not me," Kri whispers, almost afraid to say it aloud.

"Nor me." They lean their chin on their first, elbow propped on their knee. "We're already aflame with these ideas. So what if we catch some other unseen things on fire?"

Kri is silent for a long time, and Elstael lets her be. What they're saying... it's dangerous. More dangerous than what they've been doing, shirking their jobs and sending off half-fictional reports to their respective superiors. They're taking about rebellion, about revolution. About treason. Does the angel even know how dangerous that is? She glances over, sees the slight crease of skin at the edges of their eyes and between their brows. But of course they would.

"Would that... work?" Kri's voice is hushed, just audible over the susurration of the waves. "Are there angels who would, ah, catch fire?"

"There must be," they say firmly. "Look at me. And... him." They turn their head toward her, burnt-sugar eyes molten. "Aren't there demons who would? Look at you."

"And him," she echoes. She thinks of other demons in Hell, how she has never liked them. But now she wonders if that's by design. Hell is unpleasant, even for those who revel in its unpleasantness. It's really no surprise that its denizens aren't the best company. She'd be hard pressed to name someone who does actually enjoy their job, aside from the perhaps demons at the very top. She wonders what would happen if she showed them a little bit of Earth. A little mundanity, as a break from the exceptional torture that was the kingdom of the damned.

--

Kri doesn't quite understand what's going on when she gets there. There's a whole lot of people frozen in place, shimmering darkly with a demonic compulsion over them, and a very heavenly aura pulsing somewhere ahead of her, behind one of the doors. She can hear voices, a familiar rhythm of back-and-forth bickering, although it's more strained than normal. Then, loudly, "Where did you get that?!" overlaid with "Oh, no!" and a second later, the sharp retort of a handgun.

"FUCK!" Crowley spits, loud and agonized, and the compulsion vanishes like smoke. The people around her start to move, confused, angry. "FUCKING shit shit shit bloody hell-"

A flash of an angelic miracle makes her flinch, and Crowley continues to swear.

"Where is the Virgin?" one of the people asks. There are quite a lot of them, and the tenor of their minds sets her on edge. They are feverish with belief, zealous. They start toward the doors as a mob.

She thinks of several things in the space of hardly a second: Elstael, gingerly tasting an ice-cream. A demon and angel, hand in hand on the seashore. The wide sky and the quietness of a meadow, a yellowing paperback open on her knees. The oppressive weight of an infernal pen, searing words into decades of endless reports. Fog on the Thames. Shave ice melting in the bright Hawaiian sun. We should go someday. I'll show you.

She snaps her fingers, and the mob freezes.

The gravity of controlling so many minds at once makes her knees buckle, and she braces her hands on her thighs to stay upright. It's staggering, the determined force of the humans' consciousnesses, and she sucks in an unnecessary breath through her teeth. Her forte is not influence and control, not like this. She's all about indirectness, about deflecting glances like rain bouncing off an umbrella and easing human suspicions with a unremarkable smile. This is direct. Aggressive. They're fighting her, and she can think of nothing to soothe them. She's out of her depth.

Please hurry, she thinks. Whatever you're doing, hurry.

Another angelic miracle, stronger than the last, tasting like petrichor in the air. The cry of a child. "You won't remember this," Aziraphale says kindly, softly, but his voice is exhausted. "You'll wake up and all will be well."

"C'mon, angel," Crowley says. He sounds even worse. "We gotta hurry."

They step out of the middle door. Aziraphale is cradling a bundle in one arm and trying to support Crowley with the other. Crowley is leaning heavily on him, one hand mangled and bloody clutched to his chest. They freeze when they see her.

"Go," she rasps. "Go, go!"

They don't need telling twice. They start moving again, weaving their way quickly but unsteadily through the frozen bodies. As they go by, Aziraphale says, "Thank you so much, my dear, thank you," and she feels as if something brushes her shoulder though there's nothing there to see. A wing, she realizes, breathing in the passing ethereal energy almost against her will, glowing warm like sunlight, smelling like lilac and clover and ferns and running water. She feels stronger, the burden of the human minds lighter, and she gapes in amazement as they rush out the door.

She holds the humans for as long as she can, backing out of the room around them in an awkward shuffle as she tries to concentrate on both the metaphysical task of keeping minds still and the physical one of not running into bodies. She makes it out, lets go of the control and uses a much simpler miracle to lock them in. Almost immediately they start rattling and banging on the door.

The air outside boils molten with righteous fury.

Behind her, there is the well-tuned growl of a sports car. A woman is driving, not young but striking, with dark hair and dark eyes. Aziraphale bundles Crowley into the passenger seat, and Kri meets the demon's stare behind his sunglasses.

I understand now, she thinks. I understand.

He rolls down the window. "Get outta here!"

She gives him a sharp nod. The sky is starting to roil with bruised clouds, pregnant with divine lighting, and Aziraphale pulls the back door shut behind him. The woman peels out, and Kri starts running in the opposite direction. She thinks she hears someone call "good luck!" before they're gone.

She runs as fast as she's ever run before, but she's still close enough to feel the crack of the sky splitting and Heavenly wrath pouring down to Earth.

What did I do? Oh God, what did we do?

She is running so blindly away from the furious angelic presence behind her that she doesn't notice the one in front of her. Except it's not furious, it's Elstael.

"Kri?" they say, gripping her arms to keep her upright. "Kri, what-"

She has a plan. The beginnings of a plan. Well, less of a plan and more of an idea. But it's something.

"Can you-" she gasps, "can you smite me without actually, you know, smiting me?"

"What?!"

"Just singe me a bit. Or lop off an arm or something? Without killing me? C'mon, c'mon, quick!"

"I- uh, think so, yes," they answer. "But-"

"Do it!"

Elstael stares. There are angry voices coming from the direction of the building, angel and human. Kri thrums with impatience and panic.

"I don't want to hurt you," they say.

"It's fine," she says. "It's fine. It'll work out out. Tell them you chased me and fought me. You nearly got me, but I got away, right?"

"I don't want to hurt-"

"I let you get hit by a bus, fair's only fair."

Still they hesitate.

Kri twists her arms so her hands are mirroring Elstael's, resting just below the angel's elbows. "Trust me, please," she says, and means it.

Slowly, finally, they nod. Kri steps back, steeling herself for whatever smiting feels like. She's not sure - never experienced it, quite obviously - but it has to hurt.

Elstael lets their hands fall out to their sides, palms up, and raises their eyes, a picture of angelic holiness. They start to glow.

"Begone, demon," they say, and reach out to wrap elegant fingers around Kri's bicep. The glow immediately vanishes, but they keep their hand there.

It burns, but not like Falling at all - a clean, sharp, perfect fire that bites into her skin, muscles, bones, slicing like a million razor-sharp papercuts through her mortal corporation all the way down to her demonic self, a wave of holy pain rippling out from the angel's hold on her. She hears herself scream and Elstael's grip tightens. The burn stops advancing, but it smolders, from shoulder to fingertips. A good sign, that, she thinks. If her fingertips hurt it means she's still got fingertips, right?

"-sorry, sorry, sorry-" she realizes Elstael is saying, repeating it like a mantra.

"-'s'fine," she slurs. "Great. 'S great. Good job. Now. Just." She pushes herself upright, shaky, but determined, and also determinedly not looking at her arm. "Just tell 'em you chased me, right? You w're tryin' to protect the... the... the thing, 'n we... fought. 'N we'll meet back up wh'n'ev'r this blows over, right? 'Kay?"

"Yes, okay," they say.

She forms her un-smited hand into a thumbs-up and tries to smile at the angel. She probably looks wretched, but Elstael gives a watery laugh and smiles back.

"See y'later," she says, and lets herself sink into the ground that cracks apart to swallow her up, lets herself fall back into Hell.

--

The pain gets easier, Downstairs. She doesn't truly need her corporation down there, and with all the infernal energy around, it's easier to heal. All that said, an angelic near-smiting is nothing to sneeze at. She's still letting her arm hang limp when she's called to give her report. It goes over about as well as can be expected.

"How was I to know they were trying to steal the new Messiah or whatever blessed stunt they were trying to pull off?" She glares, covering the lie with indignation. Rightful indignation. "No one gave me any new info! I was just following him! That was my job!"

"You got yourself noticed by an angel," Regish scolds.

"Kinda hard not to, they were bloody everywhere," she mutters.

"And you lost him."

"Well I'm sorry I couldn't pay closer attention while I was being smote," she says, snappish. She has a risky thought - one that could help her, but potentially endanger everyone else. They're going to have to put the baby somewhere - either that, or disappear, and she doesn't think they'll do that. There are any number of places they could go on Earth, or even off Earth, unlikely as that would be. She just hopes she doesn't guess right.

"I think I heard the angel say something about Siberia."

Regish raises his eyebrows. "Which angel?"

"Which do you think? Crowley's... pet." She gathers all the disgust she feels at her current surroundings and infuses it into that single word. It seems to work, because Regish gives her a look that could almost be called commiserating.

"Siberia? You sure?"

"I heard him say the word Siberia, I don't know what he meant by it," she says. "That's all I got. But I can track them down again. Just send me back up."

He eyes her skeptically. "You want to go back?"

"To do my job, yeah! We can't let 'em get away."

Her artifice seemed to have worked, because three days later, when her arm is no longer stinging with holy fire, they send her back up the escalator and into London.

--

She goes straight to the bookshop. It won't look suspicious if they're watching her - obviously Crowley spends time there, so she's safe claiming she's looking for clues. It's still warded, and the windows still opaque to her eyes, so she lurks very obviously outside it until the door finally opens.

Aziraphale stands there inside the wards, looking cautious.

"You didn't send it to Siberia, did you?" she asks, not glancing at him at all, trusting that with his powers he can hear her across the street. "I'm not asking where, you don't have to trust me, just, I told them to look in Siberia. So if you sent it there, sorry, you've got a problem."

"Not Siberia," he says very quietly.

Her shoulders slump in relief. "Good. Great. Okay." She starts to move on - she'll go to Crowley's flat next, then the cottage, then back to LA - but his voice freezes her in her tracks.

"Thank you again for what you did. Would you, ah," he turns for a moment, looks over his shoulder. "Would you be so kind as to come in?"

She glances around. It's unlikely Hell is watching her - she's given them no reason to doubt her work, as far as she can tell. Still, the invitation feels enormous.

"Crowley says it's clear," Aziraphale reassures her. "But hurry, please."

She crosses the street and walks up to the door.

The bookshop still feels eye-wateringly good, but it provides no barrier to her entry. The angelic ward passes over her like a blanketful of static electricity, all sparks and crackles, and the demonic one slows her steps for an instant like she's forcing her way through mud. But then she's through, and she can finally see the inside of the shop.

There are books stacked everywhere - on proper shelves, on tables, on the floor. The place is all warm browns and golds and creams, like a box full of chocolate truffles, the kind that have the hard shell and the white chocolate drizzle and bits of actual gold leaf to make them fancier. She thinks maybe she can smell cocoa over the sugary-musty perfume of old paper and faded leather covers. It's wonderful. These aren't her kind of books, but she loves it all the same.

Absorbed as she is by finally seeing the interior of the shop, it takes her a moment to realize there are other people inside. Elstael is standing by a little round table, and Kri doesn't even try to hide the smile that stretches her face when she sees them. The angel smiles back with so much relief that Kri can practically taste it in the dusty air. Crowley, of course, is there too, sprawled across a plush chair and eyeing her with caution, and some of the humans that she's seen in Tadfield - the witch and her companion, and the former Antichrist.

"Er, hi," she says.

Crowley gets out of the chair, unfolding like some terrifying articulated origami, and starts to stalk toward them. "You sure we should trust this one, angel?"

"Yes," Elstael says firmly as Aziraphale opens his mouth to answer. They lift their chin bravely when Crowley shifts his gaze toward them.

"Well, no offense," he says, eyes unreadable behind the sunglasses, "but you don't have all that much experience with demons, do you?"

"With her I do." Elstael swallows nervously at his increased scrutiny but keeps their head high. A warmth like hot coffee spreads through her, but unlike coffee it doesn't stop at her stomach. It gets all the way to the tips of her fingers, she swears, and she grins in what she expects is a rather stupid way. For the moment, she can't care.

"Crowley, you saw what she did to help us," Aziraphale says as Crowley comes up to them. She notices that one of his hands is wrapped in a bandage, and she remembers the sound of a shot, and the bloody mess he'd been holding to his chest.

"She could be working for them, still."

"'She's' right here," Kri says, perturbed. "And I'm not. Working for them, I mean."

"Well, er." The human man next to the witch raises his hand slightly, as if he's in school asking a question. The witch gives him a withering, but fond, look, and he drops the hand. "That is, no offense, but... isn't that what you'd say that if you were?"

He has a point. She shrugs. "Dunno what I can say to convince you."

"What's your reason?"

She blinks. It's Adam, the former Antichrist, who has spoken. "I'm sorry?"

He's sitting in a rolling desk chair like it's a throne, the afternoon light making his curly hair glow. The effect is unsettling. "Why do you want to help?"

"I..." She doesn't answer right away. He's staring at her with a haughty sort of intensity, and she can't look away from his eyes. She takes a breath before launching into it, not because she needs air but because it gives her another second to collect her thoughts and she's always thought it gives the following words a bit more gravity. "I spent most of my time Downstairs, after... after the Fall. And it was... fine. Not good, obviously, it was terrible, but... it was what I had, so it was fine. And then about fifteen hundred years ago, I get my job up here. And it's way better than fine, up here. There's... there's sky, and weather, sunsets, trees. Animals that don't drool acid, rivers that aren't sulfur. And the humans are so... they're just so clever, aren't they? Making all sorts of things. And writing stories. Good and bad. Wonderful and terrible. I just... I like it." She feels like that wasn't coherent enough, like she's made a rambling mess of it all. "Er. I don't want it all to go down - or up - in flames, Earth. It's... well. It’s nice. I guess it's selfish, but, y'know. Demon."

"But it is true, isn't it?" Aziraphale says. He beams at her, and she feels, shockingly, pleased that he's pleased, and then quite unfortunately he claps a hand to her shoulder - the same one that had started healing in Hell but wasn't quite done yet.

She nearly falls over. Pain shoots down her arm and she lets out a choked wheeze, the ability to vocalize apparently punched out of her along with the ability to stand. In a fraction of a second Elstael is beside her, holding her up, and Aziraphale is apologizing profusely, hands fluttering about like a pair of agitated birds.

"It's fffffffine," she breathes, only the rough shape of the words and none of the voice behind them. At least, she hopes that's what comes out of her mouth - she's not too sure. "Just... not quite... hhhhhealed yet."

"Oh dear," he says, now twisting his hands together. "My dear, I'm so sorry. Healed from what?"

She takes a moment to compose herself and tilts her head questioningly toward Elstael. "Y'... didn't tell 'em?"

Elstael shakes their head. With a start, Kri realizes their hands are clasped around hers, fingers interlaced, both of Elstael's surrounding her own despite her black nails that she is convincing very hard right now not to be chitinous claws. It's warm and soft and... Well. Nice.

"After what happened with the Messiah, when I found Kri running away. She told me to smite her, and to tell Heaven that we had fought, to keep my cover." They grip her hand a little tighter. "’Just singe me a little or lop off an arm without killing me,’ I think you said."

Kri shrugs her uninjured shoulder. "Worked, didn't it?" Thankfully her voice has returned.

"Oh my," Aziraphale says. "That was... very dangerous."

"Not half," Crowley says, sounding a bit impressed.

"I figured it would be better to keep up appearances. Hell would believe I'd been caught by an angel, and Heaven could commend Elstael for nearly getting a demon."

"And it was quite a good idea," Aziraphale says. He smiles at her, still apologetically. "If we're going to do this, it will be invaluable to have inside information. Especially since Crowley and I, er, no longer do."

--

#text post #i... wrote something #quite a while ago actually #clearly not anything finished #idk just wanted to have it somewhere timestamped #and i'm trying to... Do More Art #so putting it out there is... a step #*hides* #*terror* #not tagging this with *the fandom* bc ppl found me on my last random text post lol #it's gotta be a hot tag rn so i can't even imagine how i showed up for them haha #which is cool - my posts are public obvs - but also kinda scary! #i'm being... perceived...

[loveislarryislove]

2022 Writing Goals: Halfway Home Check-in

We are halfway through 2022, so I wanted to take a moment to check in on the goals I set at the start of this year -- see what I’ve accomplished, what I’d still like to do, if I’m on trajectory for the longer-term ones, maybe even set a few additional goals! You can see the original post here, if you want the full commentary.

Numeric goals

Minimum goal: 5 fics and 50,000 words over the year

Aim goal: 12 fics (ideally at least 1 per month) and 80,000 words over the year

Ludicrous goal: 15 fics and 100,000 words over the year 

So far this year, I’ve posted 5 fics totaling 34k, and I have another 13k for 2 fics that are almost finished. That means I’m almost to my Minimum Goal already -- and the Aim Goal feels plausibly reachable, if I keep up the pace! I don’t know if it’s likely, but it’s definitely possible. Even the Ludicrous Goal isn’t totally out of reach, though it would be a stretch.

Total hits: 150,000

Total kudos: 10,000

Done! I was pretty close to those thresholds already, so I was pretty sure that would be a slam dunk, but I still wanted to encourage myself to acknowledge and celebrate them -- because WOW that’s a lot of numbers! Eight years really adds up! Interestingly, only around a third of my Hits this year have been on fics I wrote this year, so the oldies are still getting quite a bit of traffic :)

Write for at least 4 fandoms (including at least one new fandom)

Done! Thanks, Troped! For the new fandom, I wrote a fic for The Old Guard, which was a lot of fun. I fucking love that movie -- I hear they’re filming a sequel and I need it.

Write at least one self-motivated fic, that isn’t for a challenge or exchange or fest, just a story I want to tell

I... have not done this lol. Maybe eventually. Maybe not. External motivation is super helpful for me, and that’s valid haha. But I do want to post more of my Sorcery & Cynicism series for Critical Role

Non-fic/fic-adjacent goals

Write at least one poem -- not done lol

Write at least one song (this could be a fandom song) -- I did this! The song “Would You Come Home” that Alex Manes sings on the show Roswell, New Mexico absolutely destroys me, and since Michael is also musically inclined I wanted to write kind of an answering song. One of the first lines I came up with was “I thought love was a weapon / til you put it in my hands” and I just expanded from there, about feeling alone and afraid and pushing people away before they can hurt you... until someone won’t let you push them away, someone stays when no one else did, someone finally persuades you that happiness is possible. 

Submit writing to at least three publications/competitions -- I’ve definitely submitted (and been accepted!) to one place, the Healing Verse Poetry Line. I’m also tempted to count the post I made to Pantsuit Nation about Stories Cut Short, the Facebook group I run for victims of US gun violence (shameless plug, check it out here if you’re interested in supporting my work). 1 or 2 out of 3 ain’t bad!

Track my writing because I love data and spreadsheets and graphs -- I’ve been doing this pretty consistently, and it’s been super fun and motivating! 

Beta read more -- I’ve worked with a couple people this year, but definitely interested in doing more! Feel free to reach out if you’re looking for someone :)

Read more fic -- mmm I’ve been medium on this. Probably reading more than last year, but still not a lot. Definitely not the once a week I initially suggested to myself. And very little long fic, if any.

Reply to all comments I receive on my fics (stretch goal: reply to all past comments) -- I don’t think I’m 100% on this year’s comments, but I’m pretty darn close! I’d call that a success, honestly. I haven’t replied to past comments, but maybe I’ll do a spree sometime. 

New goals

Since I hit the kudos and hits goals, I’d like to set a few more! I know there’s more to fic than getting attention but like... I also like attention XD

Total hits: 175,000

Total kudos: 12,000

2022 hits: 10,000

2022 kudos: 750

And then since I’ve hit a lot of the non-fic/fic-adjacent goals or made good progress on them, let’s throw in a few wildcards -- I might not accomplish them, but I’d like to put them on my radar as I think they would be fun!

Make a fic rec of some of my favourite fics. I don’t read enough to do regular recs or probably like themed ones, but I think it would be fun to do a round up and share some love and appreciation for stories that have left such an impression on me. 

Make a cover or song or podfic or some kind of creative work inspired by another person’s fic. 

Make a cover or post for one of my old fics (or more than one!) that doesn’t have one

Write a crossover fic. idk, this is random, but it just feels like it would be neat. Maybe for Wordplay!

Write a sequel or timestamp for a fic I’ve written before. 

Tagging a few people who I think did goals posts to see if they’d like to check in as well! @larry-hiatus @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @larrysballetslippers @alwaysxlarrie @jacaranda-bloom @fallinglikethis

#writing #my fics #goals

[cr0wprince]

Does it rub anyone else the wrong way when someone talks shit about a specific fic or something? Maybe it’s because I’ve been on that end, but like, it just feels wrong. It’s okay not to like something, but that’s a small time creator? It’s very possible they could see someone saying something rude about it and actually be hurt. Like I said, maybe because I’ve been there and it’s made me afraid to post stuff, but I dunno, be nice?? Keep your thoughts to yourself or to your friends.

#rachel’s rambling #like I said I fucking hate TikTok #it’s like tumblr maybe six years ago and I hated tumblr then #I didn’t leave though lmao #anyway someone had to make a video about hating a specific fic #I’ve never heard of it but like everyone in the comments was like ‘yeah I hate it!!!’ #like he nice?? I know these are probably all teenagers but god I wish there was just a courtesy #be nice not he nice #but still I just don’t see how people can waste their time being mean #put your energy into being nice and doing something you enjoy #I know it’s easy to fall into hating things and enjoying hating things #but it’s something you should really try to train yourself out of #I dunno it just makes me kind of sad #I’ve been on that end so it hurts and it’s personal #I’m afraid to post this fic I’ve been working on for THREE MONTHS and it’s 87k words #because I’m afraid it’s going to be made fun of #I’ve put so much time and effort and love into it but there’s that fear #because when I’ve posted similar of this trope it gets made fun of and it’s unfortunately a special interest of mine #so that especially stings I can’t help it you know? #you don’t know people you don’t know the person behind the screen #I try my best not to make fun of things like that because I know it hurts #if I ever mess up like that please let me know because that’s the last thing I want to do is hurt someone

[koiotic]

Fuck it, posting the glass eye fic I’ve been sitting on for a few months

•••

Katara didn’t trust Zuko as far as she could throw him, and based on past experiences, she couldn’t throw him very far without waterbending. Not that she’d hesitate to waterbend at him if he tried anything- and at this point, she was just waiting for him to slip up.

Which was why she was immediately ready to water whip him off the side of the temple when she heard Sokka’s terrified shriek. Okay, so maybe she didn’t exactly have proof he’d done anything, or even that he was anywhere near Sokka, but she ran towards the noise, water pouch at the ready, planning the best way to toss him out a window anyway-

And it was Zuko! She let herself have the vindication for a moment. Just a moment. Then asked “Sokka, what did you do?”

Look, she hated Zuko’s guts, but he didn’t look like he was actively hurting anyone right now, staring at Sokka in shock and clutching his face (the scarred side, she noted).

For good measure, she repeated the question at Zuko, because Sokka had screamed and he didn’t usually do that for no reason.

“I was just getting dressed!” Zuko protested, halfway between confused and afraid. “And he just came in and started screaming!”

Sokka made a strangled noise and gestured emphatically at Zuko, which cleared up absolutely nothing. “He- he- his- I-“

“Sokka!” She snapped. “What happened?”

Zuko lowered his hand a little and Sokka let out another half yelp. The firebender glared, then winced a little, still not uncovering his face.

“Wait, Sokka, did you hit him?”

Katara was a responsible person, who disapproved of hitting people on principle. She was not frowning at Sokka because she was jealous.

“No!” Sokka managed to get out. “Zuko- he- his eye fell out!”

Oh.

“Sokka...” she sighed. “Are you high again?”

“Wait-“ Zuko cut in, looking a little less confused (Katara would be angry with him for interrupting later, when she was less desperately perplexed). “You were freaking out because I took my eye out?”

“You... you what?” Katara was now matching Sokka’s confused horror. “You took your what out?”

Zuko lowered his hands, and yep, one eye. One eye and one not-eye, because Zuko only had one eye, and an empty eye socket, because what in Tui’s name was-

“What the fuck-“ She wasn’t sure if that was her or Sokka.

One - one - creepy gold eye blinked at them. “It’s a glass eye,” Zuko said slowly. “I kinda have to take it out sometimes.”

That explained everything and nothing at all. “It’s a what?” Sokka demanded.

“Glass eye,” Zuko said, then waved something small and eye-shaped in their general direction. He looked slightly more annoyed than usual, and then it struck Katara that someone screaming when they saw your face probably didn’t do wonders for self-esteem. “An eye. Made of glass.”

Sokka looked outright terrified. “But... how did your eye turn into glass? That happens? Do I have to worry about that?”

Katara did not slam her head into the wall, showing incredible self restraint. “Sokka, you idiot!” she groaned.

He grabbed her by the shoulders, eyes wide. “Katara, why didn’t you tell me this could happen?!”

As a healer, she had a duty to tell him he was being an absolute idiot and that it was clearly a prosthetic.

As a little sister, she had a duty to fuck with him, and that was a far more sacred duty.

“I’m sorry, Sokka,” she managed to sigh. “I didn’t want you to worry, with all the stuff you do that- no, don’t worry. It’s not so bad.”

“What?” His voice was strangled in fear. “Katara, what? Katara what am I doing?! How do I stop it?! Katara?!”

She’d almost forgotten about Zuko until he very sadly said “why do you think Aang doesn’t eat meat? The Avatar needs two eyes, and if one falls out, it could cause problems.”

She did not like Zuko at all, but right then, she loved him.

Ten minutes later, Sokka had sworn off meat, and then the other contributing factors to eyes spontaneously turning into glass and falling out: sarcasm, boomerangs and being an annoying big brother.

“He knows we’re joking, right?” Zuko asked cautiously after Sokka sprinted out to apologise to the spirits for making fun of waterbending.

“Eh, he’ll figure it out.”

———

“So,” Toph said as they settled down for dinner - with Sokka being late for a meal for the first time in his life, “why is Snoozles throwing seal jerky into the canyon?”

“I have a glass eye,” Zuko explained.

The earthbender nodded sagely. “Yeah, makes sense.”

Aang was slowly looking between the three of them like it would make any of this any more sensical. “Uh... what?”

“Long story,” Katara sighed.

Her brother strode up to the campfire with his usual level of theatre, then remembered that being dramatic was also a risk factor and very calmly and slowly sat down. “I think I’m safe.”

“What about your hair?” Zuko asked, completely blank faced.

“... please tell me this isn’t why you had the bald ponytail.”

“You think I did that willingly? No, I needed at least one eye working.”

Sokka sprinted into the temple.

“You’re not actually going to let him shave his hair, are you?” Zuko asked, looking mildly concerned.

Okay, this was perfect and Katara would remember it lovingly for the rest of her life, but even her natural little sister sadism wouldn’t stretch that far. “Toph, please bring him back here.”

———

“Toph, let me out of the rock! I need my eyes!”

———

“Wait... what?”

———

“What do you mean it’s not a medical condition?!”

———

“What do you mean it’s a prosthetic!?!”

———

“YOU LET ME THROW THE SEAL JERKY AWAY!”

———

“Okay,” Sokka said calmly, two hours and a lot of yelling later. “That was a very cruel prank and I’m never forgiving any of you.”

“Shut up, Snoozles,” Toph scoffed.“There are more important things than your dignity. For example,” she turned to Zuko with a huge grin, “can I touch it?”

“It’s been in his head!” Sokka screeched. Apparently the dramatics were back on. “It has head goo on it!”

Katara frowned. “Sokka, how do you think bodies work?”

“Please?” Toph begged, giving very impressive polar-puppy-dog eyes for someone who couldn’t see. “No one ever lets me touch their real eyes.”

“Because you’re a menace,” Katara scoffed.

“Please, Sparky?”

“Ugh, fine,” Zuko sighed. “Give me a second.”

It occurred to everyone a moment too late that, oh yeah, if anyone was going to spontaneously invent glassbending, it would be Toph.

#the sibling instinct™️ #koi writes #Zuko with a glass eye is one of my favourite headcanons #Toph is a menace #Sokka is a genius but also dumb as hell #Sokka #Katara #Zuko #Aang #Toph #avatar fanfiction #atla fanfiction #atla fanfic #western air temple #atla book 3 #katara and zuko #toph and zuko #sokka and zuko #eye trauma #tw eye trauma

[choicesficwriterscreations]

CFWC Writer of the Month Lovealexhunt (and more!)

Each month CFWC highlights one of the many talented fanfic writers in our community. The writer will be selected randomly based on the criteria listed in our FAQs.

This month, we randomly selected a winner from the writers who submitted a fic for the CFWC Blind Date/Valentine's Day event, and I'm very happy to announce the lucky winner, someone who does so much for this fandom! Everyone, please give it up for @lovealexhunt / @storyofmychoices / @theartoflovingthomashunt !!! Please enjoy getting to know more about her and her amazing works!

Blogs: @lovealexhunt, @theartoflovingthomashunt and@storyofmychoices Masterlist

More below break...

1- When did you start playing Choices? What's the first book you played?

It honestly feels like forever ago now… around early 2018. I’m pretty sure the first book I played was Rules of Engagement. I still love that book and think it is entirely underrated. Loved the sibling storyline and all three LIs were wonderful, though I love my bartender most of all (sorry Leo!!!) but the first book I fell in love with was Red Carpet Diaries (for reasons named Thomas Hunt 🙈😍).

2- When, and why, did you join Choices fandom?.

I was a lurker in the fandom for a while before officially joining in 2019. Prior to that, I had reblogged the occasional post here and there on my personal blog. It wasn’t until I wrote a couple of Thomas Hunt fics for myself that I joined and created my Thomas Hunt blog because I wanted to share them but was too self-conscious to post them on my personal blog.

3- How did you pick your url name?

TheartoflovingThomasHunt: because as my blog says “loving Thomas Hunt is an art form” lol (that idea popped in my head and I stuck with it).

LoveAlexHunt: When I created my Thomas blog I didn’t expect anyone to actually read my work or interact with me so it was attached to my personal main which meant I couldn’t reply to people without using my personal main, so I made this main and transferred the Thomas Blog to it. I didn’t know what to call it and I hate picking names. Since I was only writing for Thomas at the time and Alex is my LI for him, it seemed fitting for my main to reflect her. AlexHunt was taken so I decided on Love, Alex Hunt

StoryofmyChoices: I started this blog because I was afraid of getting hate (see q4) but the name came from the idea that the blog would be a more general Choices blog and be the Story of the Choices I made in the game and in the fandom.

4- Go back to your archive and tell us about the first post on your Choices blog.

theartofLovingThomasHunt: It was just an icon of Thomas that I made with the blog name

StoryofmyChoices: an “unpopular opinion” post admitting to actually liking Justin Mercado (Save the Date) and how I was so afraid of getting hate that I started a new blog. I figured if it got really bad, I could easily delete the blog and still have my Hunt ones. (I did get hate for several months but never actually left)

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

I wrote fanfiction as a child and through middle school when I was discouraged from writing it and was told by many people in my life how childish and ridiculous it is to write fan fiction, that I was too intelligent to waste my time on something like fan fiction, and basically just told to stop. So if you count Mary-Kate and Ashley detective fan fiction, then since I was 7 (I won’t tell you how long ago that was … but a good long while 🙈).

I gave writing fan fiction up for years, I only picked it back up because of Thomas Hunt. He inspired me to forget what anyone else had to say, to forget the opinions of others who may disagree with my choices, and just to create what I want and what I believe. So all of that to say 3 years give or take a decade (or two).

6- What is your favorite Choices book to write about?

Red Carpet Diaries! I think I’ve written like 200 stories for Thomas and Alex!

(But, I also really love writing Open Heart especially for Bryce and Olivia too)

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it or would you change anything about it?

Coffee Date:

I still really like it and I wouldn’t change a thing. If it weren’t for that fic, I’m not sure any of the others I’ve written in the past few years would have ever happened. It is the story that made me fall further in love with Thomas and Alex, but most importantly it’s the one that reminded me how much I loved writing and that I shouldn’t be ashamed to write about things I love no matter what other people think about them.

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

That’s so hard! I have so many that I really love and have a special place in my heart! Part of me wants to say Mal’s orphanage series because I genuinely would love to run an orphanage and care for children in need.

Ahhh the pressure!!! Can I skip this one?! Okay, fine, I’m going to pick randomly, but not?!

An Unexpected Misadventure:

Synopsis: The twins bring an unexpected guest home to meet their mom and things take a turn when their new friend slips from their grasp.

It’s pure chaos, and I love it! It is 100% what would happen if someone brought me a frog. #irrationalfear 🙈

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was?

I had always been an Ethan stan, and I loved writing Ethan, but when the pandemic started I needed a comfort character, one that was openly available—no slow-burn necessary—one who was affectionate and just genuinely a ray of sunshine, so I decided to write Bryce as a creative exercise. I never expected to fall so much more in love with Bryce through writing him and having people read and enjoy my Bryce. I was surprised my first fic Stay did so well

10 - What about one you expected to be, but it could use a little more love?

Seeing as I missed the height of Thomas Hunt’s popularity and only started writing him when his favor was dying out, pretty much any of my Thomas Hunt fics could use more love. I also feel like I write for characters that are less popular in general like Justin Mercado (sorry, not sorry), Levi Schuler, Mal Volari, etc. It just means they don’t get as much love, but that’s okay. I am genuinely so grateful for those that do love them and support my efforts to keep them alive.

10- What is your specialty as a fanfic writer?

Fluff, fluff, and fluff! All the fluffy goodness. Life has enough pain and angst already, I can’t handle writing it too. I guess I also specialize in small moment stories. I like taking everyday moments that could go overlooked and turning them into something special because all of those small moments strung along are really what love is.

11- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Let me think about this 🤔🤔🤔… it’s a close one, but I guess fluff? JK, fluff all day, every day!

12- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MC’s or in your writing?

Definitely, there is a piece of myself in each of my MCs and OCs. Alex Spencer/Hunt is probably the one I most identify with. I see my kindness, love of coffee, dislike for mornings, and appreciation for simple things in her. We also share physical characteristics. She is everything I wish I was and aspire to be.

Olivia Hadley/Lahela would be a close runner-up. She is nurturing, empathetic, and supportive. She works hard and can sometimes give too much of herself to the kids she works with which leaves her drained. I feel like I put a lot of who I am and how I feel into her.

13- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

The part where words are actually required to get the idea from my head to a finished post. Words are hard! lol

14- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

My WIP list is really embarrassingly long. I have so much I want to finish. The most popular thing on that list though would probably be my Love and Scotch series which is a Hollywood U/Open Heart crossover.

15- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

No, and no! I’ve had a few people ask what I write but I usually just answer with “words” and leave it at that. I would never let anyone I personally know read my fanfiction. 🙈

16- Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing?

There are so many amazing fan fic writers that I love and have inspired me but I’m only going to pick the top 3 that come to mind because I don’t want to make a list and leave anyone out!

The-devil-writes-drabbles: I know they deactivated a while ago, but their creativity and ability to tell a story in so few words has always inspired me to try the same.

@lilyoffandoms They always tell stories that are fun and sometimes unexpected. They build worlds around their characters that pull you in and make them feel real to you.

@The-Soot-Sprite/@zaffrenotes: I love their use of social media edits to tell stories and the puns! Gotta love the puns! I don’t do many social media edits but when I do, I always think of their series, Cordonians Undercover!

17- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series?

My Red Carpet Diaries universe. I just love Thomas and Alex so much. I’d love to see them come to life with their beautiful twins and most importantly Bogart, I love that dog way too much!

18- Do you write original stories?

I do! I have a finished novel manuscript that I’d love to see published, but so far no luck. One day I’ll look into self-publishing, maybe? I also have 2 unfinished manuscripts that I’d love to finish, and 1 drafted outline for a novella.

19 - What other hobbies do you have?

Outside of work, I don’t have much time for hobbies, and writing and daydreaming about writing definitely take most of my time. Other than that, I have a lot of animals and hanging with them, my horses, in particular, are enjoyable.

20 - What’s your favorite emoji?

🥺💖🥰

21: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

I am truly blessed to be a part of this fandom. I can not express the gratitude I have for all the support and love I’ve received in my time here. The past few years haven’t been easy for any of us, but being part of this fandom, being able to share stories that mean something to me, has been what has helped me through. I’m not sure I would be here still without this fandom. Writing Thomas Hunt saved me when I was in a very dark place and Bryce Lahela got me through the pandemic (which will be ending any day now, right?!).

I don’t know what the future holds, but I will forever treasure the memories I’ve made in this fandom and be grateful for the experiences I’ve had (both the good and the bad).

Thank you for the support and for believing in me.

And thank you to CFWC for helping keep the fandom alive and doing such a wonderful job encouraging and promoting writers. 💖💖💖

#choices fic writers creations #cfwc writer of the month #writer of the month #lovealexhunt #theartoflovingthomashunt #storyofmychoices #cfwc

[sunflowervolvimp3]

42 Hours

Content: an enemies to lovers au in which Harry and Y/N are forced into a cross country road trip to make it to their best friends’ wedding on time

Warnings: language, mentions of nsfw content

Pairing: Harry Styles x reader

Word Count: 20k 

A/N: I actually cannot believe that this is finally being posted over almost a month of working on it!! originally, I was going to make this one long stand alone fic, but once I hit 35k with no end in sight, I decided to split it into two parts so that it would be easier to read for you guys.  I’m hoping to have part 2 posted within a week, so keep an eye out for it!! this fic was partially inspired by this post by @avhrodite​ (thank you miss bailey!!) and can I just say that I had so much fun writing it!! I love road trips!! it makes me so sad that I had to split this fic because there are so many fun music scenes in the next part but those will all come in due time!! I would also like to give a big thank you to miss andrea @adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy​ and miss alex @darthstyles​ for putting up with me bouncing ideas off of them and for proof reading for me!! and miss andrea again for editing this stunning header pic!! also everyone I tagged is a wonderful writer and if you’re looking for more to read after reading this then I HIGHLY suggest taking a look through their masterlists. and as always, if you like this fic, please like and reblog it!! and shoot me a message!! feedback is always appreciated, not just by me, but by all content creators <3

{masterlist}

also!! if you want to set the mood for a road trip with Harry, here is a link to the playlist that is mentioned and referenced in this fic!!

When she was a little girl, Y/N’s grandmother had told her about Murphy’s Law.  Grandma Sarah’s favourite activity was staring at her granddaughter over the kitchen counter, a knife in one hand and half an onion that she’d been cutting in the other, spouting various wisdoms at the young girl, who would often be sitting and peeling vegetables for her.  The old lady had hoped that, after being lectured enough times on life’s difficulties, Y/N might be able to avoid making the same mistakes that she had made in her own time.  She always had a list of advice that she’d cycle through, as if she were a record on a loop.

“Always look both ways before crossing the street.  Your great uncle Albert didn’t, and he never regained full function of his left hand.”

“Beauty fades, but there’s no shelf life on your mind.”

“The grass is always greener on the other side, so stop staring at it, and focus on taking care of your own lawn.”

All of the advice was, by any accounts, useful for anyone to know, especially a young girl.  Of course, sometimes the advice would get a little scrambled after Grandma Sarah had had a few glasses of wine, but even her tipsy thoughts were useful to Y/N in her later years.  To this day, Y/N still sets a glass of water on her nightstand before going out to a bar, and her hungover self is always grateful the next morning.  And Y/N had yet to find anything that smelled as sweet as a vanilla dabbed behind her ears and on her wrists when she runs out of perfume.  However, perhaps the most important piece of advice Grandma Sarah ever gave her came one afternoon when Y/N was eleven years old, and her older cousin Grace was due to get married the next week.

Grandma Sarah had cracked egg after egg into her mixing bowl, always without getting any unwanted pieces of shell in the egg whites, and gave her granddaughter a long look across the kitchen counter.

“When you get married, Y/N,” She had said, voice firm. “Remember Murphy’s Law.  Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, and at the worst possible moment.  When Murphy’s Law comes into play, there’s nothing you can do except roll with the punches.”

Eleven year old Y/N had nodded her head seriously, as she always did when her grandmother told her seemingly important things.  The advice, despite its usefulness, however, didn’t stick around in her head, and Murphy’s Law didn’t cross Y/N’s mind for fourteen years.

It takes fourteen years for Y/N, who is standing in front of a flight check-in at LAX, two large suitcases next to her, one of which contains two gold wedding bands, passport in hand, and a distressed look on her face, to remember the law her grandmother had once told her about.

“When you get married, Y/N…anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, and at the worst possible moment.”

Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Y/N pushes the echoing words of her grandmother out of her head. “I’m sorry, just—” She gives a pained smile to the lady working the check in. “Can you explain that to me again, please?”

The lady also takes a deep breath, the smile on her ruby tinted lips just as pained as Y/N’s. “There’s a storm system moving through Utah and Colorado.  These systems have the potential to become tornadoes, and because of that, the conditions for flying are too dangerous right now, so all flights through that area are grounded until further notice.”

“So my flight is cancelled?” Y/N holds up the ticket in her hand that’s stamped with LAX – JFK. “This flight, this flight to New York, which is nowhere near Utah—that’s cancelled?”

The check-in lady, whose name tag reads Brynn, gives another tight smile. “Yes, ma’am.  It’s cancelled.”

“Okay, no, I’m sorry, Brynn, but that doesn’t work for me.” Y/N shakes her head fiercely as the manic rush of emotions through her begins to set in.  The denial, she finds, keeps the oncoming panic at bay, and so she decides to focus on that to ground herself. “My best friend is getting married in the Catskills in one week.” Y/N holds up one finger, as if her words are hard for Brynn to understand. “That’s one week from today.  I’m the maid of honour.  I have to be there to help organize, keep her calm, and make sure she actually makes it down the aisle, because—between you and me—she’s got some commitment issues—” The more Y/N speaks, the more her panic begins to spill out in her words, like a dam with a leak that’s about to burst. “And she forgot the goddamn wedding rings, so I have those too, and I just—I really need to get to New York, like, now. Right now.”

Y/N finally pauses to take a sharp breath, and Brynn, who had been waiting for her to finish, speaks again, her voice flatter than before.

“I’m very sorry to hear that, ma’am, but as I said, all flights are grounded right now.”

Pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers, Y/N takes another deep breath.  Roll with the punches, her grandmother had told her.  What else is there to do? “Okay.” Y/N is careful to keep her voice in check when she speaks again. “Alright.  Do you know when they’ll be ungrounded?”

“As I’ve said,” Brynn’s smile is more of a grimace now, and Y/N knows that she’s treading on thin ice. “All flights are grounded until further notice.  We’re not sure when we’ll be able to open them again.  It could be a day, or it could be five.  If you’d like, I can put you down on a list to be called when flights are available again, but I’m afraid that’s the best I can do.”

“Let’s do that, then.” Y/N relents in a tired voice, already making plans to pick up a coffee on her way back to her apartment.  In the back of her mind, she begins to wonder if she has any Baileys Irish cream liqueur left in her kitchen cabinet—and if 8:30 A.M. is too early to be drinking Baileys with her coffee.

…

It takes Y/N two cups of coffee with Baileys (it had been 10 A.M. by the time she arrived home, thanks to L.A. traffic, and she had decided that 10 A.M. was a fine time to drink when one’s flight gets cancelled indefinitely) to work up the courage to call Jo and tell her that she isn’t sure if she’ll be able to make it to the wedding.

Josephine Waters, or Jo to anyone who doesn’t want to get punched in the arm, has been Y/N’s best friend since the girls were five years old.  They became fast friends on the first day of kindergarten, as Jo liked how Y/N could already colour inside the lines, and Y/N liked how Jo tackled a boy who tugged on Y/N’s pigtails.  From the very beginning, the two were a perfect match for each other; where Y/N was reserved, Jo was wild.  Where Jo was disorganized, Y/N was focused.  Each girl balanced the other in the most natural way, and it’s this fact that Y/N and Jo credit for the two of them staying friends for twenty years. As they grew up together, they grew together, taking the very best traits from the other and using it to help themselves develop.  Y/N had been the first person that Jo came out to, confessing to her best friend during an eighth grade sleepover in a quiet and nervous voice.  To Jo’s pleasure, Y/N had been completely supportive, and returned the favour from the first day of kindergarten by punching a boy in the nose for calling Jo a homophobic slur.  Jo helped Y/N through her parent’s divorce.  Y/N helped Jo manage her ADHD.  Jo talked Y/N through discovering her bisexuality in university. Y/N answered every 3 A.M. phone call to comfort Jo after a panic attack.  In every sense of the word, the two girls had been there for each other.

And now Y/N is going to miss Jo’s wedding.

The harsh realization digs a pit in her stomach as she opens her phone and clicks on Jo’s name.  It’s noon in L.A., which means it’s 3 P.M. in New York time, and Y/N knows Jo will answer.  She always does.

Sure enough, after three short rings, Jo’s voice chirps through the phone. “Hey, Y/N!  Has your flight landed already?”

“No, there’s—there’s been an issue.” Y/N downs another gulp of her coffee, wishing she had added more Baileys when she had the chance, and clears her throat before continuing. “There’s, um, a storm in Utah, and apparently it’s bad, and so all flights from L.A. to New York are grounded until further notice.”

Jo makes a scoffing noise, and Y/N can practically picture the indignant look on her face that she’s seen so many times before. “That’s ridiculous.  Did you tell them that New York is nowhere near Utah?”

“Uh huh.”

“What about that my wedding is in one week?”

“I told them that, too. Brynn didn’t seem to care.”

“Bitch.” Jo mutters under her breath. “Okay, just wait a second, Laure just walked through the door, so I’m putting you on speakerphone—”

Y/N hears rustling on the speaker, as well as muttering in the background as Jo speaks to her fiancée, and then Jo’s voice is back, sounding slightly more distant.

“Okay, so I told Laure what happened—”

“That’s awful, Y/N.” Laure’s voice is laced with stress, and Y/N can only imagine how much anxiety this information is adding to her already full plate. “They won’t tell you when flights will be leaving again?”

“Nope.” Y/N pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her free arm around them, leaning her head against the back of her couch.

“Okay, well, planes aren’t the only way to get here.” Laure says, always the more rational out of the two. “Maybe a car—?”

“Y/N doesn’t have one.” Jo chimes in, a hint of teasing in her voice, despite the serious problem that’s in discussion. “She’s scared of driving—”

Y/N sits up, an indignant look on her face. “I’m not scared of driving!” She says hotly, setting her empty coffee mug on the table with a thud. “I just hate L.A. traffic, and honestly, there’s no point!  I can walk to work, and Uber anywhere else I need to go!  A car would be completely useless to me!”

“Except now, when you’re about to miss your best friend’s wedding.” Jo points out. “What about renting one?”

Y/N sighs, her moment of indignation already fizzled out. “I tried that already.  There’s nothing available for a cross country trip.”

“And the drive is so long.” Laure murmurs, and Y/N knows it’s more for Jo’s benefit than hers. “It’s over forty hours.  She can’t do that by herself; it’s not safe.”

“But—”

“Look, Jo, don’t worry about this, alright?” Y/N cuts across her best friend’s anxious voice, assuming her usual role of protector. “I’ll figure this out.  I promise you; I will make it to your wedding on time, looking pretty in my dress, and with your wedding bands.  I promise.”

“We’ll keep thinking about it and see what we can come up with.” Laure promises through the phone, her voice sounding further and further away. “This is just—it’s a bump in the road, but it’s fine.  We can work around this.  We’ll find a way.”

…

The way that Laure finds for Y/N pounds on her door at 7:30 A.M. the next morning.

Y/N, like any exhausted and stressed out adult who has already begun her ten days of vacation time that she booked off for the wedding, is fast asleep in her bed when she hears the knocking.  The loud noise pulls her out from her dreams abruptly, and she cracks one eye open, squinting through the sunlight that’s lighting up her room.  When the knock echoes through her apartment again, she pulls herself from her sheets with a groan, grabbing her robe from the back of her door and tying it around herself as she makes her way to the front hallway to yell at whoever has the audacity to wake her up.

When she opens the door, Harry Styles is peering down at her with an irritated look on his face.

“Took you long enough, Y/N.” He rolls his eyes as he speaks, finally stepping back from the door that he had been pounding on a moment ago. “Are you ready to go?”

Y/N rubs her eyes, suppressing a yawn as she does so. “Styles, I have no idea what you’re talking about.  What are you doing here?” She demands.  She doesn’t have the energy to deal with him right now, she thinks, let alone the mental capacity to listen to anything he has to say.

Harry crosses his arms across his chest, and it’s then that Y/N notices the duffel bag strewn over his shoulder. “It’s a forty-two hour drive from L.A. to the Catskills.” Harry’s eyes scan over Y/N’s appearance, the very corner of his strawberry pink lips twitching, and Y/N tightens her robe around herself with a glare.

“A drive?” Y/N asks, uncertainty growing in her voice as she crosses her arm over her chest. “What are you talking about?”

“Your flight was cancelled, right?” Harry’s voice grows more impatient as Y/N’s half asleep brain struggles to piece together what’s happening. “So was mine, so I decided to drive to the wedding, and then Laure called me last night, begging me to take you with me.” He shrugs a bit, fixing his sunglasses on top of his head as his jade eyes scan over her appearance one more time. “Not my first choice of road trip partner, but I don’t think the best man can say no to bringing the maid of honour.  And splitting the cost of gas will be nice.”

“Okay, wait, I…” Y/N’s finally coming out of her fog of exhaustion, and the newfound clarity of her mind is causing a newfound pit to develop in her stomach. “Laure and Jo didn’t tell me any of this.”

“Well, I expect they’re a bit busy, given that they’re getting married in a week.” Harry adjusts the strap of his duffel bag on his shoulder with a sharp sigh. “Look, are you ready to go or not?  It’s over a five day drive, so we need to leave as soon as possible.”

“I—yeah—” Y/N nods before taking a hesitant step back from the doorway, positioning herself to the side so that Harry can get by her. “I just have to get dressed and grab a couple last minute things, so…come in, I guess.”

Harry flashes an insincere smile to Y/N as he steps into her apartment, his eyes darting around at the furniture and home decor.  Y/N watches as his gaze lingers on her library of books, her yellow bicycle leaning against the wall, and every other little touch of herself that she likes her home to have, and she can see the judgement that’s clearly apparent in his eyes.

“You can sit, if you want.” She mutters, turning on her heel to go back to her bedroom. “I’ll only be a few minutes.”

The first thing Y/N does when she shuts her bedroom door behind herself is assess the situation in the analytical way that usually calms her.  Alright.  So a road trip across the country isn’t exactly ideal, and a road trip across the country with Harry Styles is even less ideal.  But, at the present moment, being stuck in a car with Harry seems to be the only sure way that she’ll be able to make it to Jo’s wedding on time. And for Jo, Y/N would put up with anything.  Even Harry.

As she rummages through her drawers for some leggings and a tank top, Y/N wonders what she could have possibly done to bring this much bad karma into her life.  While she gets dressed, her mind flickers back to Murphy’s Law, how everything that can go wrong will go wrong, in the worst possible way, and then she thinks about being in a confined space with Harry for five days, and—yeah.  That seems to be the worst possible thing she can think of.

Y/N remembers the first moment she’d met Harry seven years ago, and the unfortunate circumstances under which that meeting had happened.  Jo and Laure had just barely met back then, and Jo had begged Y/N to come out on a double date with her and “this really hot girl from my women studies class who I’m, like, 83% sure swings my way.”

Y/N had groaned at that comment, flopping back on her bed in the tiny dorm that she and Jo shared. “No! I have an essay due in three days that I haven’t even started!”

Jo rolled her eyes as she flopped down on Y/N’s bed as well, ignoring her own half-made bunk that was across the small room, favouring her best friend’s bed like she always did. “We both know you’re not starting that essay until the day before it’s due, and that it’s just an excuse because you don’t want to go!”

“I don’t want to go.” Y/N had agreed with a sharp and fervent nod.  She shut her laptop and pushed it to the side of her bed, knowing from experience that she wasn’t going to be able to focus and argue at the same time. “Why would I want to hang out with a complete stranger while you make googly eyes at a girl from your class?”

“Okay, first, I don’t make googly eyes.” Jo made a face at that comment, nudging Y/N’s calf with her own foot. “And second, he’s her best friend from high school, and he’s coming to visit all the way from London!”

“So?  He’s still a stranger!” Y/N pointed out, her eyes drifting to the sticky note covered novel beside her.  She picks it up and begins to flip through the marked pages as she speaks. “Knowing where he’s from doesn’t change that!”

“It should, because he’s only going to be here for a week, and Laure almost cancelled the date because she doesn’t want to miss spending time with him—” Jo grabbed one of Y/N’s pillows and tossed it at her arm, knocking the book from her hands. “Focus! So I said that he could come, but she said that she didn’t want him to be left out, so I said that I happen to have an incredibly beautiful and witty best friend who would be able to entertain Harry while we all hang out together.”

Y/N inhaled deeply as she gave Jo a withering look. “Did you already tell her I’m going?”

Jo, in return, gave Y/N her most dazzling smile. “Yes.  We’re meeting them for dinner at 7.”

Y/N shakes herself from her memories as she runs to her bathroom to toss her toiletries back into the bag she’d taken them out of the day before, working as quickly as she can. It does her no good to think of Harry in the past, she thinks, because the present Harry is currently sitting in her living room, probably snooping through her stuff, and the longer she takes to get ready to go, the more he’ll go through.  Not that there’s anything incriminating in her apartment, really—or at least, nothing incriminating in her living room.  When Y/N makes it back to her bedroom, however, to quickly zip up her suitcase, she does make sure she grabs her favourite vibrator from the box under her bed, tucking it between her half-folded underwear.  If she’s going to be gone for a week, she’ll need something to help her relax.

Within a few more minutes, Y/N is repacked and ready to go.  Her hunter green bridesmaid dress is carefully arranged on the very top of her clothes in her suitcase, all of her makeup and toiletries are packed inside, and Jo and Laure’s wedding rings are secured in little velvet boxes stashed between her socks.  As far as physical preparedness goes, Y/N is ready to go on a coast to coast road trip. As far as mental preparedness goes, however…that’s the thing that Y/N’s not quite sure about.

…

“What are you doing?”

Y/N glances at Harry from the corner of her eye, her hand still half stretched out to the radio dials in his car.  Although Harry’s green eyes are hidden behind his sunglasses, and his face is turned towards the long road in front of them, he still somehow manages to catch her motions, and it irritates her to no end.

“I’m changing the radio station?” Y/N answers after a moment, giving him a puzzled look. “I don’t know why you listen to this weird oldies station, but—”

“First of all—” Harry’s hands turn the steering wheel slightly to guide his car over the curve of the road, his jaw twitching as a smirk works its way onto his pink lips. “This isn’t a radio station, it’s my Spotify playlist.  I put a Bluetooth connection in Stevie a year ago. Secondly—”

“Stevie?” Y/N repeats incredulously, twisting her whole body as best she can to look at Harry straight on. “You named your car?  You’re one of those guys?”

Harry finally gives Y/N a flicker of a glance, the glare obvious in his eyes even behind his dark sunglasses.  He turns his attention back to the road before replying. “Secondly—” He continues from before, ignoring her comment as his right hand readjusts the gear shift. “Driver picks the music.”

Y/N makes a face, the corners of her lips pulling down into a grimace as she settles back into the passenger seat with her arms crossed. “So we’re just going to listen to ‘Tiny Dancer’ for the entire drive, are we?”

“Not the entire drive, no.” Harry flicks on his turn signal with a ringed hand before shoulder checking to change lanes.  Y/N glances at him, her eyes training on the strained muscles in his neck as Harry continues. “We’ll listen to ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,’ too.”

“Great.” Y/N exhales slowly and presses her head back into the seat’s headrest, closing her eyes as Elton John’s voice continues to float through the speakers. “Really looking forward to it.”

“You know, maybe you should try to sleep.” Harry says, his voice prickled with irritation as Elton John bleeds into The Zombies. “I think you’ll be in a better mood after you take a nap.”

Y/N readjusts her crossed arms as she mutters a short reply. “Don’t tell me what to do.” Still, she shuts her eyes again, twisting her body towards the window in an attempt to get comfortable enough to sleep.  Being in the car with Harry is already giving her a throbbing migraine, and they’ve only been on the road for less than two hours.  Sleeping through most of the trip will probably be the only way she’ll be able to survive it.

Despite that realization, however, her phone vibrates in her lap three minutes later, pulling her away from her thoughts.  Y/N glances down at the now lit screen, catching her bottom lip between her teeth when she registers the name on the message.  Opening her phone quickly, she reads over the reply as a guilty feeling begins to build in her stomach.

BRANT: Hey, what are you doing tonight?  Want to grab some dinner?

“What’s wrong?”

“Hm?” Y/N’s head snaps back up, her eyes jerking in Harry’s direction.  Like before, he’s watching her from the corner of his eye, catching every one of her movements, and the constant surveillance is annoying to no end.

Harry, it seems, is either oblivious to her annoyance, or is choosing to ignore it. “I asked what’s wrong. You have a weird look on your face.” Harry’s blunt words are accompanied by the sound of him tapping his ring covered fingers against the gear shift. “Everything alright?  Is it Laure and Jo?”

“No, it’s just—” Y/N glances down at her phone again, fingers poised over her keyboard as she crafts a reply in her head. “It’s no one.”

Harry snorts once, a short and harsh sound that grates against Y/N’s nerves like nails on a chalkboard. “I don’t buy that for a second.”

“It’s no one to you.” Y/N updates her retort, turning her full attention back to her phone. “My personal life is none of your business.”

Y/N: I’m sorry, I can’t!! Caught a last minute ride to New York with somebody.  Maybe once I’m back?

“Personal life, huh?” Harry clicks his tongue once, and the childish noise is even more irritating than his snort. “What, you can’t talk to me about whoever you’re shagging?”

The blunt remark hits Y/N like a shot to the chest, and she sputters for a moment as she struggles to form a response. “I—we’re not—” Taking a moment to gather herself and clear her throat quickly, Y/N avoids Harry’s gaze as her cheeks begin to burn. “We’re not like that. We’ve just…had a few dates, that’s all. There’s nothing…official.”

“You don’t need to be official to have a shag, now, do you?” Harry lifts his hand from the gear shift to fix his sunglasses, settling it back down on his jean covered thigh once he’s done. “If you don’t want to date the bloke—”

“I didn’t say that.” Y/N cuts over him, pulling herself from her embarrassment enough to give him a cold glare. “He’s very nice—”

“Boring, you mean—”

“And I—this is none of your business!” Feeling the flush of embarrassment rise back to her cheeks, Y/N once again turns her attention to her passenger seat window, avoiding Harry’s pressing gaze. “I’m done talking about this.”

Harry gives an indifferent shrug. “Whatever.” He says casually, tapping his finger against his thigh as his shoulders once again lift slightly beneath his fitted black t-shirt. “I just feel bad for the guy, that’s all.”

The comment is bait. And the thing is, Y/N knows it’s bait.  She knows that the only reason Harry is saying it is to get under her skin and keep her talking about Brant, further embarrassing herself in the process. She’s been around Harry enough to know how he works, and she knows that the only reason he would say that is to bait her.  She knows she shouldn’t take it.  And yet—

“There’s no reason to feel bad for him.” Y/N scoffs as she fidgets with the position of her seatbelt, trying to stop the strap from cutting into her chest. “We’ve been talking for a month, and there’s nothing official happening.  Just because you can’t go that long without trying to stick your dick in someone—”

“You have no idea what I can do, Y/N.  Don’t pretend that you do.” Harry’s tone of voice is just as scoffing as hers, his eyes still set on the road in front of them intently as he gives his sharp response. Y/N watches as he shifts the gears of the car and speeds up, just enough to make the engine roar, but not enough to lose control of the car.  Part of Y/N wistfully wishes that he would just slip up and crash the car, just so she wouldn’t have to continue this conversation.

“All I meant,” Harry continues, unaware of the dark daydreams running through Y/N’s head. “Is that I feel bad that you’re clearly not interested in him, which is proven by the fact that you haven’t wanted him in your bed.”

Irritation flares through Y/N’s body again, stronger than the embarrassment of discussing her sex life (or lack thereof) with Harry, and she half considers just grabbing the steering wheel and yanking it into a passing cliff so she can finish them off herself. “For Christ’s sake, Harry, sex isn’t the only way to—”

“I don’t mean actually having it, that’s not a given.” Harry rolls his eyes from behind his sunglasses as he slows down for a curve in the road, his practiced hands once again changing gears with ease. “You don’t have to fuck him.  But you should want to, especially if you’ve had a month of dates, and you clearly don’t want to.”

Y/N doesn’t hide the incredulous stare of disbelief on her face as she turns to look at him. Harry’s face, though turned towards the road still, has a look of amusement mixed with contemplation on it, and it takes all of Y/N’s self control not to smack the expression off of him. Although there’s the ghost of a smirk on his strawberry coloured lips, his brow is furrowed behind his sunglasses, as if he’s thinking hard about the conversation between them.  Normally, Y/N would be amazed that Harry is thinking hard about anything.  However, given that their conversation is apparently turning into whether or not she wants to have sex with someone, Y/N’s not too thrilled about his sudden investment and serious contemplation of the topic.

Shaking her head decidedly, Y/N finally spits out a finishing phrase. “You don’t know what I want.” She says decidedly, reaching into the backseat to grab the sweater she stashed back there.  She clumsily pulls it over her body without taking off her seatbelt.  Harry keeps the AC cranked as high as he can, and she knows that he’ll kill her if she tries to change it. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know more than you think.” Harry counters, the tip of his tongue running along his bottom lip. “And I’m pretty good at reading body language.  You don’t really want him.  He—what’s his name?”

Despite her better judgement, Y/N answers in a flat voice. “Brant.”

The corners of Harry’s cherry lip twitches. “Brant.  Yeah. It’s clear you don’t really want him, and you’re wasting your time.  You’re wasting his time, too.  Poor Brant.”

“Poor—you’re such an ass, you know that?” Y/N’s irritation bubbles over as she gives Harry a nasty look, her hand squeezing her thigh hard in an attempt to ground herself in their conversation. “You can try to pretend otherwise, but you don’t know anything about me, or him, so—”

“You think I’ve been friends with Laure and Jo this long and haven’t learned anything about you?” Harry cocks an eyebrow, risking a glance at her as he presses a heavier foot onto the gas. “I told you, I know more than you think, and that includes your type.”

An incredulous scoff leaves Y/N’s mouth, and she shakes her head in obvious disbelief before responding. “My type.  Right. What is my type, then?  What’s Brant like, exactly, since you seem to know everything?”

Harry goes quiet then, his brow furrowing again as he returns his full attention to the road.  With his incessant chatter gone, the only sounds in the car being “Maps” playing quietly in the background and Harry’s ringed index and forefinger tap on the steering wheel.  Y/N breathes out a long sigh of satisfaction as she relaxes back in her seat, her attention turned back to the blurred landscapes speeding by her window.  Finally, she’s managed to get Harry to stop with his ridiculous assumptions—

“You like someone that’s stable and secure, so he probably works in some corporation, or an office job. Majored in business, I’d think, but has a minor in something like mathematics.” The side profile of Harry’s nose wrinkles in disgust at the thought. “He wants to work his way up in the company, but never wants to actually start anything on his own.  He likes the stability of a blueprint. You’re obsessed with punctuality, so he’s probably always on time to pick you up for dates—and he has to pick you up, because you don’t drive—and your dates are never really dates. Dinners, or movies, or something like that, but they never really have that spark.” Harry’s shoulder lift slightly as he continues to make his conclusions. “Which, honestly, is probably a big reason in why you don’t want to fuck him, because as much as you like stability and safety, you also like the idea of a grand gesture, or something like that.  And you probably split the bill a lot at dinner, right?  Because it just seems fair, but really it’s because you know it’s not a real date.  But it passes the time, and he’s nice, so it’s fine.  But it’s only fine.” Harry licks his lips once more as he collects his next thoughts, his teeth catching his bottom lip just barely as his tongue retreats back into his mouth. “And he’s probably already talking about you coming to meet his family for some holiday.  Not in a romantic way, but just because he likes to plan everything in advance to every minute detail.  Just like you.”

Halfway through Harry’s speech, a flush had begun to creep up Y/N’s neck, continuing to warm her jaw and ears before settling on the apples of her cheeks.  She keeps her eyes trained on her window and her mouth pressed into a tight line, refusing to look at Harry and give him any hint of just how shocked she is that he’s guessed so much.

Harry, however, doesn’t plan on letting her get away from his inquisition. “Well?” He impatiently prompts after a moment, and even though she’s not looking at him, she can feel him looking at her, his emerald irises burning into the back of her head. “Am I right?”

“I—” Y/N clears her throat quickly, but her voice is still strained and tight when she replies. “No.”

Harry hums low in his throat, and his voice is laced with curiosity with he replies. “Really?” The irritating tap of his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the music continues. “What did I get wrong?”

“He—” Y/N hates the way her skin is burning from his interrogation, how her voice shrinks smaller and smaller the more she speaks.  If Harry knows her so well, then he knows how much she loves being in control, and in this situation, with Harry managing to pull every one of her most secret inner thoughts and feelings out of her without trouble, she feels anything but in control. “He has a minor in accounting, not mathematics.”

The laugh that leaves Harry’s mouth is loud and bombastic, and his whole body curves over the steering wheel as the sound rolls out of him, his eyes just barely managing to stay on the road while his sunglasses slide down his nose. “Right.” Harry says between belly laughs, his voice stretched out in amusement. “But everything else was spot on?”

Y/N keeps her stiff body turned towards the window, refusing to engage in the conversation any further. That doesn’t stop Harry, however, who fixes his sunglasses as chuckles continue to roll out of him.

“I take it back. Maybe he’s the one wasting your time.” His hand runs through his hair lazily, fixing the curled strands that had fallen into his eyes as he laughed. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to sleep with your bore of a boyfriend—”

“He’s stable!” Y/N breaks her silence to protest Harry’s words, her voice heated. “And he’s not my boyfriend.  We’ve been seeing each other, but we’re not—it’s not exclusive, or—nothing serious—”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.  It’s fine.” Harry waves off her arguments with a flick of his tattooed hand. “Besides, like you said, it’s none of my business, right?”

Y/N can practically picture what Harry looks like in this moment.  His chestnut curls are probably a mess from fidgeting with them, and his cheeks are most likely rosy beneath his stubble from the peels of laughter that left his equally red lips a moment ago.  Most infuriatingly of all, his dimples are probably present, making little indentations in his cheeks to show how entertaining he’s found embarrassing her. Bastard, she thinks, clenching her fists so hard that her nails dig into her palms, pressing them into her sides beneath her makeshift blanket.

She refuses to let herself confirm if her suspicions about Harry’s appearance are correct, and instead keeps her gaze on the blurred trees whipping by outside her window. “Right.” She mutters, leaning her head against the headrest as she closes her eyes. “It’s none of your business.”

…

As soon as the paint-peeled door to the motel room swings open, Y/N knows that she’s not going to be sleeping soundly tonight.

She’s not sure what her first hint should have been.  Perhaps it was the half-flickering blue and red light of the Motel 6 sign that should have tipped her off, or the front-desk attendant who looked as though he was hiding a few secrets himself.  When Y/N and Harry had first approached the front desk of the tiny, vaguely mildew-smelling lobby, their clothes rumpled from the drive and their attitudes just as bothered, the employee in the Motel 6 uniform had barely raised an eye at them, not bothering to look up from his computer until Y/N and Harry were directly in front of him.

“Hi.” Harry had said, his voice taking on a cautious but polite tone that, Y/N remembers thinking, she would have appreciated hearing throughout their eight hour drive that day. “We’d like two rooms, please—”

“Here.” The attendant’s gum snapped in his mouth as he reached behind himself and grabbed an old key with a flimsy blue plastic tag from a wall of empty pegs. “Queen sized bed, the first door on the left.  It’ll do you two nicely.”

“Um, no.” Harry cleared his throat loudly as he gave a slight shake of his head. “We need two rooms.”

Finally, the attendant looked towards them, his eyes scanning Harry before Y/N.  The latter had self consciously pulled her sweater around her, as there was something in the attendant’s eyes that had bothered her. “Don’t have two rooms.  I got one room left.  Everything else is booked.”

Harry had glanced at Y/N then, and she knew that his thoughts mirrored hers: there was no way that they’d share a queen bed together.  No way in hell.  They’d barely survived eight hours in the same cramped car without one of them driving them off a cliff.  If Y/N had to share a bed with Harry, even for just one night, she’d probably end up smothering him in his sleep before the first snore left his obnoxious mouth.

“That’s really not an option.” Y/N had stepped forward then, crossing her arms around herself as the attendant’s eyes canvassed her again. “Isn’t there something—”

“Look, lady, I’m telling you what’s available.” The attendant’s eyes continued to flicker between her face and her chest, making Y/N’s skin crawl more and more with every word that fell from his gum-filled mouth. “The room might have a pull out chair—some do, but I couldn’t tell you which.  Now do you want to share the room with him or not?  If you don’t want to share, then I could try to find something else for just you—”

Before Y/N had the opportunity to respond to the lewd suggestion, Harry was already stepping forward, his body angling protectively in front of her own.  She watched from behind as his broad shoulders squared beneath his black t-shirt, his shoulder blades flexing as he straightened up to his full height.  When Harry answered, his voice was just as firm as it was dark, lacking its previous polite tone.

“We’ll take the room.” He had said coldly, reaching into his back pocket to pull out his wallet before tossing a few bills on the front desk. “Thanks for the help.”

Yes, Y/N thinks, all of that should have been a sign for the state of the motel room that they now find themselves standing inside.

The same mildew smell from the lobby surrounds them, permeating through every inch of air that Y/N breathes in. Dust seems to coat every surface as well, with thick layers of it covering the decades old TV and stand, the small coffee table, and the ledge of the window to her right.  To her relief, there is a small arm chair in the corner, which must be the pull out that the attendant had mentioned.  However, her relief is short lived when she sees the ratty beige comforter on the bed, and wonders if maybe sleeping in Harry’s car, which she had sworn to him that she didn’t want to do, might have been the better choice.

Harry shuts the door behind them with a firm thud, turning the deadbolt lock before attaching the chain from the door to the door frame. “Let’s keep that locked, yeah?” He mutters, walking to the window and making sure the beige curtains—everything in the room is a sea of beige, like some sort of khaki coloured nightmare—are pulled closed tightly. “I don’t trust that front-desk prick not to sneak in here.”

Y/N nods, fixing the strap of her duffel bag with her overnight clothes on her shoulder.  She’s not quite sure where to set it down, as everything around them seems to have been sitting stagnant and uncleaned for a while. “Yeah. Thanks, by the way.  For that.”

Harry acknowledges her thanks with a small grunt, barely lifting his head to look at her. “You don’t need to thank me.”

Despite her gratitude for his actions, Y/N can’t stop herself from rolling her eyes at his gruff response. “Jesus, can you not just say you’re welcome?”

Harry chooses to ignore her comment, and instead sets his bag down on the arm chair, unzipping it roughly. “You can take the bed.” He says simply, tossing his sunglasses into his bag before pulling out a small bag filled with what Y/N assumes are toiletries. “I’ll take the pullout.”

“Fine.” Y/N reluctantly sets her own bag down on the creaking bed, pulling back the covers to check for anything unsightly.  To her relief, the interior of the bed looks cleaner than the exterior, and she returns the covers to their previous position before grabbing her phone charger from her duffel.

Harry glances at her as she gingerly sits on the bed and plugs her phone into the wall. “I’m going to shower.” He says slowly, as if gauging her reaction to the simple phrase. “Do you, um, need in there, or—?”

“Nope.” Y/N shakes her head, her cheeks flushing slightly as she checks her messages. “You’re good.” She keeps her eyes glued to her phone until she hears the click of the bathroom door behind Harry, signalling that she’s alone.

Taking advantage of what she knows will be a rare moment of solitude over the next week, Y/N changes from her tank top and leggings into her pajamas, wishing that her past self had realized how likely it would be that she’d be sharing a room with Harry. She’d brought exactly two pairs of pajamas with her on the trip, and neither pairs were something she wanted Harry to see her in.  The first pair, a baby pink silk set she’d bought on a whim from her favourite lingerie shop, is eliminated before Y/N even considers them, leaving her with just her usual casual pajamas.  Unfortunately, Y/N’s usual casual pajamas consist of an old sports bra that she’d had since moving to L.A., and a pair of men’s boxers that she stole from an ex in college.  Still, despite her hesitancy, she knows that plaid boxers and a faded grey sports bra are better than pink silk and lace, and she changes into them quickly before sitting cross-legged on the bed and dialing Jo’s number.

Jo, like she usually does, answers on the third ring, her voice extra chipper to compensate for the verbal lecture that she knows is coming. “Hey, Y/N!  How was driving today?”

“It would have been better if I’d known Harry was driving.” Y/N sighs, rubbing her palm over the cold skin of her exposed thigh. “Shouldn’t I have been informed of that decision?”

“It completely slipped my mind, actually.” Jo says casually, and Y/N can just picture her leaning her chin into her palm. “How was the first day?  Are you calling to ask me to help bury his body in the desert?  Because, like, you know I would in a heart beat, but I think it may put a damper on mine and Laure’s nuptials if my best friend murders her best friend.”

“No one’s been murdered. Yet.” Y/N glances at the bathroom door, the sound of the shower echoing through the vents and into the bedroom. “Although a ‘help me hide the body’ phone call may be coming soon.”

“Uh oh.” Y/N hears something crackling against the speaker, and pictures Jo shifting the phone from one ear to the other. “Is it that bad?”

Y/N pinches the bridge of her nose as she contemplates the easiest way to answer Jo’s question. “He’s such an irritating ass.  He really is.” She lowers her voice, but only slightly.  If Harry’s eavesdropping, she thinks, then let him hear.  It would serve him right. “He wanted to pick a fight over every little thing, and he’s so particular about his car—did you know he named it?  He named it, Jo.  He talks about it like it’s a person!”

A loud sigh echoes through the speaker. “That’s really not that weird, you know.” Jo replies in her best peace keeping voice. “And, by the way, did you know that you’re really the only person who finds Harry irritating?  Laure adores him, and I really like him, and everyone who meets him thinks he’s very thoughtful!”

“Then they haven’t been trapped in a car with him and his playlists for eight hours.” Y/N begins to tap her fingers against her knee in a quick staccato pattern. “He practically interrogated me about Brant today, as if he has any clue about the people I date.”

“Did he?” There’s a trace of curiosity in Jo’s voice now, and Y/N can imagine her leaning forward in interest. “What did he say?”

“He said he thinks he’s boring.” Twisting a lock of her hair behind her ear as she speaks, Y/N leaves her hand resting against her cheek. “He was rude about it, too.  I didn’t ask for his opinion.”

“Well, honestly, Y/N…” Jo’s curiosity twists into hesitation. “Brant isn’t exactly the most thrilling person.  You know that.”

Y/N tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, her cheeks flushing for what seems to be the millionth time that day. “I’m aware of that.  But he didn’t need to be so smug about it!”

“Okay, well, what’s done is done.” Jo says as she takes on her mediator persona once again. “So there’s nothing else to do now except go to sleep, get back in the car tomorrow, and continue driving.”

The sound of the shower stream cuts off, leaving just the pitter patter of rain beginning to hit the roof of the motel as ambiant noise. “I guess.” Y/N mumbles, fidgeting with the waistband of her bra. “I’ll talk to you later.  Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

After the line clicks dead, Y/N flops back on the squeaking mattress and begins to scroll through her phone, opening her work email to check if everything is running okay back home while she’s gone.  On top of all this, the last thing she needs is for her work to completely blow up in her absence.  Within minutes, Y/N becomes so engrossed in her phone that she doesn’t even notice the bathroom door creaking open and Harry walking out with just a towel around his waist.

Until she looks up, and then her mind goes completely blank.

Immediately, Y/N feels overstimulated.  There’s just…so much going on that she doesn’t even know where to look first, let alone have the ability to remind herself that she shouldn’t even be looking at Harry like this in the first place.  

Harry’s curls are soaking wet, curling down around his flushed cheeks in a way that, if it were anyone else, she’d immediately describe as attractive.  Droplets of water are clinging to every inch of his skin, his toned and tanned and tattooed skin, that seems to continue forever as her eyes travel down his bare chest, noticing every curve of his muscle.  His jade cross, which is almost the exact shade of his eyes, sits between his pronounced pectoral muscles, moving ever so slightly with each step he takes.  Y/N notices tattoos she’s never seen before, like the giant butterfly across his toned stomach, and—her mind goes blank for just a moment—two vines that are tattooed over his prominent pelvic muscles, which just barely dip beneath the white towel that’s wrapped loosely around his hips.

As Y/N’s eyes glue themselves to the way Harry’s towel is moving as he walks, arousal begins to pool in her stomach, travelling all the way down to her core and back again.  For a split second, she thinks that maybe Harry is right.  Maybe she doesn’t want to fuck Brant, because she knows for certain that she’s never thought about him the way she’s thinking about Harry in this moment.

But it’s Harry, she reminds herself, as she tries to force herself to snap her gaping mouth closed. Underneath all those muscles and tattoos—and there are a lot of muscles and tattoos—it’s Harry, who annoys her to no end, who is one of the most self-absorbed individuals she’s ever met, and who has had it out for her since the day they met.

“Sorry.” Harry’s low accent snaps Y/N from her thoughts and pulls her wandering eyes back to his face. “Forgot my clothes out here.”

“It’s—” Y/N’s voice cracks in the middle of the word, still hyper-focused on just how it’s possible for one person to be as attractive as they are irritating, and she clears her throat before trying to speak again. “It’s fine.”

If Harry notices the slip in Y/N’s voice, he doesn’t say anything.  Instead, he just walks to his open bag, locking one hand firmly over his towel as the other searches through his clothes.  He pulls out a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, examining them for just a moment before nodding in satisfaction and heading back to the bathroom. Y/N almost swears that she sees him glance at her one last time before he shuts the door, but then she gets lost in the taut muscles of his back, and forgets what she’s thinking entirely.

She’s only just begun to contemplate that maybe she should pull herself together when the door opens again, and Harry exits the bathroom in a way that’s a little more presentable.  His hair is still damp, but his body is dry, proven by the faded Rolling Stones t-shirt that’s now clinging to his arms and the boxers that are hanging low on his hips. His tattooed hips.  His incredibly sexy tattooed hips that could probably—

“What are you wearing?” Harry asks, raising an eyebrow at her as he moves his bag from the chair to the ground.  He begins to unfold the bed from the armchair cushions to reveal a creaking twin bed, carefully stretching it out as he waits for an answer.

“I—pajamas.” Y/N glances down at herself self consciously, fixing the strap of her sports bra as she does so. “I just—I didn’t think we’d be sharing a room, so…”

Harry nods tersely as he finishes setting up the bed, his expression unreadable while he walks to the closet and grabs a set of sheets and a blanket. “Cute boxers.” He says casually. “Are they Brant’s?”

Within a flash, the intense rush of attraction and desire Y/N had been feeling is gone, and is instead replaced by the familiar irritation as she watches a smirk grow in the very corner of Harry’s mouth. “No.” She says flatly, turning her attention back to her phone.

“Interesting.” Harry says slowly, laying the sheets and blanket on the bed in a haphazard manner. “Whose are they, then?”

Y/N gets up from the bed and grabs her toiletry bag from her duffel before answering. “An ex.” She says shortly, tucking the patterned bag under her arm. “And why does it matter to you?”

The sound of the rain against the roof and windows gets louder and louder as they speak, and Harry raises his voice to be heard over the precipitation. “It doesn’t.” He shrugs as he maneuvers his lanky body under the blanket without causing the bed to fold in on itself. “Just curious, that’s all.”

“Well, you don’t need to be curious.” Y/N opens the bathroom door, sparing one last withering glance at Harry over her shoulder.  He’s sitting up on the bed with one leg hanging out from beneath the covers as one hand plays with his hair, the other fiddles with a ring on his finger, and the way he looks at her from the corner of his eye lights a fire in Y/N’s chest.  Except she can’t tell if it’s a fire of anger or arousal.  

When she slams the door behind her, it’s her own confusion over that distinction that frustrates her more than anything else.

…

“Took you long enough.” Harry scoffs while leaning against the side of his car, his white t-shirt a contrast to the dust covered body of the black Chevy Impala.  His dark sunglasses are perched on top of his head, keeping his unruly curls out of his eyes, while his arms are crossed over his chest impatiently as he waits for an answer. “I dropped off the keys ten minutes ago.”

By way of explanation, Y/N holds up the cardboard drink tray in her hands, a brown bag balancing in between the two coffee cups. “I was getting us breakfast, Styles.  Calm down.” She walks to the passenger side of the car, opening the door and climbing in one handed. “I figured you’d be even crabbier hungry.”

“You mean you’d be crabbier without caffeine.” Harry retorts, climbing into the driver’s side in one smooth motion. “Here—” He takes the tray from her so she can buckle her seatbelt, carefully removing the two coffees and setting them in the cup holders between them. “Just be careful not to spill anything.”

Y/N rolls her eyes as she picks up the coffee closest to her (she’d gotten them both black). “Why? Worried about me ruining Stevie?”

Harry reaches into his pocket, pulling out his keys as he gives her an irritated look. “Yes, actually. I’ve put a lot of work into her.” The car roars to life as Harry turns the key in the ignition, buckling his own seat as the motor warms up. “Adding on two thousand miles to her in five days is already worrisome enough, and that’s not even counting the other two thousand she’ll get on the way back.”

Y/N doesn’t respond to the comment, and instead lets the sound of Harry’s playlist fill the silence of the car as Harry peels out of the Motel 6 parking lot.  She’ll be glad to leave that place behind, she thinks, and focus on finding something better—and more private—for tonight, wherever they end up.

Harry, however, doesn’t seem content with letting silence fall between them. “How did you sleep last night?” He asks after a few moments, one hand on the steering wheel as he takes a sip of his coffee.

Glancing at him from the corner of her eye suspiciously, Y/N reaches into the paper bag and grabs her Danish, taking a small bite before answering. “Not great.”

“Was the bed bad?” Harry asks curiously, his brow furrowing while his eyes stay glued to the road, moving only to glance at the occasion sign directing him back to the highway. “The pull out wasn’t great, but I’ve slept on worse.  I would’ve thought the bed would be better than that.”

“No, it—I mean, the bed wasn’t amazing, but it—” Y/N clears her throat and swallows the bite of pastry in her mouth. “I, uh, I don’t sleep well when it’s raining.”

At this new information, Harry’s eyebrow quirks up, and he risks a look in her direction to attempt to read her face.  Y/N’s own eyes are focused on the Danish in her hands, refusing to meet his gaze as she lifts the pastry to her mouth to take another bite.

“You don’t?” Harry asks after a moment, the confusion in his voice almost visible within the space between them. “But it’s like white noise, isn’t it?  Supposed to be relaxing, and all that.”

Y/N gives a half shrug of her shoulders. “It’s—well, it’s not the rain, exactly, just—what it’s usually paired with.” Y/N hopes that her clear hesitancy to answer will be enough of a signal to Harry for him to drop the subject.  Harry, however, doesn’t seem to pick up on the reluctance in Y/N’s voice; or, at least, he doesn’t care enough to acknowledge it.

“What do you mean, what it’s paired with?” Harry takes a small sip of his own coffee, careful of the temperature of the liquid. “Like…wind, or—?”

Y/N debates back and forth with herself internally, but she knows that Harry won’t drop the subject without getting a satisfying answer. “Thunder.” She answers finally, setting her coffee down in her cup holder before turning her gaze towards her window. “I don’t like thunderstorms, ever since I was a little kid, and when it’s raining, it always feels like thunder is around the corner.  Puts me on edge, like I’m waiting for it.  And I can’t sleep.”

“So you never sleep when it rains?” Harry asks slowly, and the tone of incredulous disbelief in Harry’s voice is enough for Y/N to be able to imagine the expression on his face. His forest green eyes wide, strawberry pink lips agape, brow furrowed in confusion, his jaw slack as he contemplates a response to a grown woman admitting that she’s afraid of thunder. The image in her head is enough to make the back of her neck flush.

There’s a tightness in the back of her throat, and Y/N attempts to clear it again before answering. “Never.”

“Huh.” Harry taps his fingers against the gear shift in succession three times. “You’d hate London, then.”

The casual comment catches Y/N by surprise, but she doesn’t allow herself to lower her guard. “That’s why I don’t live in London.” She mumbles the words as her fingers pick at the napkin wrapped around her Danish. “I picked L.A. for a reason.  It has lots of heat, barely any rain, and I’m reasonably close to Disneyland whenever I feel like I need something magical.” The last part slips out without Y/N thinking, and the flush creeps further up her neck as a surprised laugh leaves Harry’s mouth.

“Something magical?” Harry repeats, new crinkles appearing next to his eyes as he laughs, as if the dimples that crease his cheeks aren’t proof of his amusement enough. “Do you frequently feel like you need something magical?”

It’s Y/N’s turn to give an incredulous look now, her body half twisting towards Harry to observe his confusing reactions. “How did I just admit that I’m afraid of thunder, and the thing you’re focusing on is that I like Disney?”

Harry shrugs at her words, flicking on his turn signal to exit towards the highway. “I don’t know.” He says as he peers over his shoulder to check for oncoming cars. “I mean, everyone has fears.  Not liking thunder isn’t exactly uncommon, you know.  However, hearing that Ms. Serious Type A Perfectionist likes magic—” His grin grows bigger by the second. “Now that’s surprising.”

“Oh, shut up.” Y/N mutters, finishing her Danish in a few more bites.  She waits until she’s entirely finished chewing before continuing the conversation over the voice of Billy Joel coming through the speakers. “Since I’ve admitted something I’m afraid of…” She starts, glancing at Harry from the corner of her eye. “I think it’s only fair that you admit something, too.”

Harry snorts in response, his hand freezing its movement with his coffee cup still half lifted to his lips. “Is that so?”

“Mhmm.” Y/N hums as she slips off her shoes in order to pull her legs beneath her to fold into a cross-legged position on the car seat. “Not so much fun when it’s your turn, huh? C’mon, what’s the Brit scared of? Not enough biscuits for afternoon tea?”

A short and harsh breath of air leaves Harry’s nose, half a snort as he sets his coffee down in his cupholder. “No, actually, diminishing biscuit levels are a low level fear for me.”

“Then what’s a higher one?” Y/N prods, watching as Harry’s neck muscles tense as he shoulder checks to change lanes.  There’s something about the movement that catches her eye, but she can’t quite figure out why—or rather, she can, but she’d rather pretend that she’s unaware.

“Uh…” Harry’s fingers nimbly switch on his turn signal before he transitions to the left lane, his right hand moving the gear shift to its desired place. “Crowds.  I’m not a fan of big crowds, really.  Like when everyone’s pressed together, so tight that you can’t breathe, and you can’t hear yourself think because it’s so loud…yeah. I don’t like that.”

The simple answer surprises Y/N as much as she imagines her answer surprised Harry. “Crowds?” She repeats back to him, a forgotten memory of long gone conversations coming to the forefront of her mind. “But what about, like, concerts and stuff?  Laure always told me when she’d go to shows with you…”

“That’s different.” Harry shrugs as one of his ringed hands comes to his lips, rubbing over them slowly as he contemplates his next words. “I…When I’m at concerts, I always go with someone, and if we’re in the general seating area, where there’s a lot of people, I always stick with them.  Like, sometimes, if it’s getting crowded, or people are pushing, Laure will hold my hand, so…” Redness begins to creep up Harry’s pale neck, staining the tops of his ears a deep berry colour as he trails off.

Not for the first time since their conversation began, Y/N is surprised at how candid they’re being with each other.  As she watches Harry’s blush grow, she feels her own diminish, a physical representation of her trading her embarrassment for something more empathetic.

“I get it.” Y/N says after a moment, once it’s clear that Harry isn’t going to continue. “When there’s thunderstorms, um, I feel better when I’m with someone, or talking to someone. It makes me feel less…”

“Alone?” Harry finishes for her, his eyes flickering from the road to her profile.  His green irises capture hers for longer than they should, his focus completely gone from the stretch of highway for at least five seconds before Harry’s attention turns back to driving. “Yeah.” He says slowly, pulling his sunglasses down from his hair to hide his eyes. “Yeah, less alone. It helps.”

Y/N nods slowly, unable to look away from Harry’s side profile.  It’s apparent that he’s on edge after their conversation, and she knows her body language is the same.  Tight in the shoulders, hands clenched, back rigidly straight.  And yet, seeing her own body language reflected in front of her bothers her.  Part of her wants to reach out and take Harry’s hand, soothe him like Laure does in the crowd of a concert, but she knows that’s ridiculous.  It’s ridiculous, and it’s Harry, and Harry, of all people, does not need her comfort.  Not in the slightest.

She watches as Harry clenches his fist on top of his thigh.

…

“Is this really necessary?” Y/N asks, slamming her car door shut as Harry does the same on the other side of the vehicle.  She leans over the roof of the car, crossing her arms on the cool metal as she tilts her head to the side in an inquisitive manner.  The clouds in the sky are getting darker by the minute, signalling the beginning of the storm that canceled her flight, and the angry black colour above their heads is making Y/N anxious.

Harry, however, seems unbothered by the gathering storm, and nods tersely as he pushes his sunglasses up onto his head before opening the door to the backseat and grabbing his army green jacket. “Of course it’s necessary.” He says, slipping the jacket over his broad shoulders before slamming the door shut and locking the car. “I’ve never been to Utah before.  I want a souvenir.”

“Okay, but—” Y/N follows Harry as he walks towards the dilapidated building in front of them. “Here? Really?  Does this seem like the best place?”

Harry glances at her over his shoulder at her, pausing his long strides to look up at the building he spotted from the highway.  If the chipped grey paint that was once pastel blue and dust-coated windows are any sign, the structure is probably older than Harry and Y/N combined, with a splintered front porch wrapping around its small perimeter.  The building has one faded sign above the door that reads “SOUVENIRS/SNACKS” in hand-painted capital letters, and seems to be hanging onto the outside façade by three small bolts and sheer willpower.  Y/N’s almost certain that she’s seen this exact building in a horror movie before someone gets murdered, and while getting back into the car with Harry isn’t at the top of her list of wants, it’s certainly preferable to getting stabbed to death by a serial killer.

“It’s fine, Y/N.” Harry waves off her concern without a second thought about the appearance of the shop. “If you’re really bothered, you can wait in the car.”

Y/N considers it for a moment, but decides against it.  She needs to stretch her legs, and honestly, Harry seems too trusting.  He probably wouldn’t be able to tell if someone was sketchy until their knife was in his back.  And, seeing as how he has the keys to the only getaway car available, Y/N kind of needs him around without a stab wound carved into his flesh.

“Let’s just get this over with.” She sighs, pulling her own jacket around her tighter as she steps over the worn wooden steps to the door. “We’re on a schedule.”

When Harry pushes open the door, the smell of stale air hits Y/N before anything else.  Despite one open window and a fan in the corner of the shop that’s being used in a weak attempt to circulate the air, it feels like nothing fresh has been in the shop for a while.  Y/N shoots a glance at Harry, caution and warning written all over her face.

While Harry sees her glance, he waves off her concern, turning his attention to the few shelves and wire racks around the small shop that are lined with inventory.  Within a few moments, he’s entertaining himself in the post card section, comparing different photos of the Utah landscape to each other with great care and concern.  Y/N observes him for a few moments before wandering off on her own towards the snack section of the shop.  Although there are a few items that she thinks about picking up, the thick layer of dust over the packaging puts her off from purchasing them.  She grimaces as she continues walking, stopping in front of a tower of silver key chains in the back corner of the shop.  Most of them, she finds, are crosses and bible verses, and all of them give her an ominous feeling in her stomach.  Y/N runs her finger over a miniature silver version of the Ten Commandments, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as she does so.

“I think we should go, Harry.” She calls to him without turning around, setting the key chain back down on the rack carefully. “Just pick your post card and—Harry?”

When Y/N turns around, Harry’s broad figure is nowhere to be seen.  She walks back over to the post card section slowly, her brow furrowed with confusion as a knot tightens in her stomach.  Where could he be? She wonders, running her hand along the dusty wire rack in front of her.  It’s not like there’s anywhere for him to go in the small shop, and she would have heard if he left, or if he drove away.

“Harry?” She calls again, her steps slower now as worry fills her voice. “Where did you—fuck—!” Y/N screams as something grabs her from behind, its fingers digging into her sides harshly.  She whips around to find Harry standing over her, loud outbursts of laughter spilling from his strawberry pink mouth at the look on her face.

An indignant flush rushes over Y/N’s face. “You’re such an ass!” She hisses, gripping his shoulders and shoving his laughing frame away from her. “I swear, you’re like a five year old—”

“Did I worry you?” Harry snickers between his words, a wicked look of mischief alight in his dark green eyes. “Were you afraid something happened to me?”

Y/N’s cheeks burn with anger as she turns away from him, crossing her arms defiantly. “No.  I wish something had happened to you.  Then I wouldn’t have to deal with your immature antics.”

Harry’s lips stay quirked up in a smirk as he follows her, his voice falling into a singsong tone. “You were worried.” He insists, chuckles still rolling out of him every few moments. “I could tell.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Y/N snaps at him in an irritated voice. “Just pay for your stupid post card and let’s go.”

“I already did. There’s a sign on the desk saying the clerk is out for lunch, so I left some money.” Harry nods to the small desk in the corner with a few dollars left tucked under the dusty service bell. “I think that’ll cover it, yeah?”

“Whatever.” Y/N can’t resist shoving Harry one last time before walking towards the shop door. “That’s enough.  Let’s go. I want to make it to the motel before the storm hits.”

…

The nice thing about Grand Junction, Colorado, Y/N realizes, is that their motels have multiple single rooms available on short notice.  While she didn’t realize the importance of this fact before this trip started, having an evening of solitude and her own stable space away from Harry for the first time in two days is nothing short of a blessing.

When she gets inside her private motel room, which, while still shabby, is leagues above their previous motel, Y/N locks the door before breathing a sigh of relief.  Just the silence in the room is wonderful, and even though she knows Harry is right next door, having a wall between them is a luxury that she doesn’t take for granted.  When she showers, she doesn’t have to worry about being quick, or toweling off as fast as she can so she can get dressed inside the bathroom without Harry seeing. There’s no need to worry about anyone hearing Y/N sing quietly to herself under the (albeit weak) stream of the shower, nor is there an uncomfortable stick of her sports bra to her back caused by water droplets that she couldn’t reach in her hurry to dry off. And after her shower, with some of the knots from her back finally worked out, Y/N is able to stretch out on the double bed in the center of the room, her phone in her hand as she reaches for the takeout menus stacked on the bedside table.  She peruses the menus available before settling on Chinese takeout, and within five minutes, her order of a two entrée plate and fried rice is on its way.

Y/N sighs gently as she leans back on the pillows, wishing that she and Harry had stopped at a liquor store before coming to the motel.  She knows she could probably walk to one, but now that she’s showered and comfortable, the last thing she wants to do is wander around Grand Junction until she finds a bottle of Moscato.  Instead, Y/N flicks on the TV with a click of the ancient remote, and begins scrolling through the channels until she finds a rerun of Dirty Dancing that’s just starting.

An amused yet wry smile appears on Y/N’s lips.  It’s this movie’s fault that she and Harry are on an impromptu road trip, really. Jo and Laure both loved it, and were insistent that they had to get married at a resort in the Catskills similar to one from the film.  As her two friends cross her mind, Y/N settles into the sheets as Baby begins her narration, contemplating whether or not she should call Jo to check in.  Just as the thought pops into her head, however, the phone rings.

Y/N answers within a moment, not bothering to check the caller ID.  She and Jo had a strange habit of calling each other the moment the other thought of it, and when she raises her phone to her ear, she expects to hear her best friend’s familiar voice reply. “Hello?”

What voice she actually hears, however, surprises her. “Hey, Y/N.  I’m glad I got through.” Brant says easily, his voice crackling slightly through the speaker. “How are you?”

“Brant!” Y/N jerks up in bed in surprise, the remote falling from its perch on her stomach onto the sheets. “I—I’m fine.  How are you?”

“Oh, alright.  Just busy with work, but that’s the usual.” Y/N can practically picture the neutral expression on his face, and how he’d shrug his shoulders as he speaks. “How’s the road trip?  I can’t imagine driving for as long as you have to drive.”

“It’s…it’s alright, yeah.” Y/N speaks slowly as she puts her phone on speaker, balancing it on her knee while her hands begin to fidget with her rings. “Long, but not too bad.”

“Well, that’s good.” Brant clears his throat thickly, as if what he’s about to say makes him uncomfortable. “I miss you, though.  And our weekly dinners.”

A feeling of guilt washes over Y/N.  Truthfully, besides Harry’s inquisition on the first day of driving, Brant has barely crossed her mind.  Granted, he isn’t usually at the forefront of her mind while she’s in L.A., either, but for the last few days, her thoughts have been constantly consumed by the stress of making it to the wedding and her annoyance and frustration with Harry.  

“Y/N?” Brant’s voice crackles through her speaker again. “Are you there?

“I—yeah.” She says quickly, pulling herself from her thoughts. “Sorry, just—long day.  I’m tired.”

“I can imagine.” Brant says sympathetically, but there’s something in his tone that almost sounds patronizing. “Who are you driving with?  Have you been taking turns?”

Y/N pauses the fidgeting of her rings before snatching her phone from its balanced place on her knee. She quickly opens her messages and scrolls to her thread with Brant, searching through the text bubbles for a reminder of what she’d said to him.  Had she not told him that she was traveling with Harry?

Within a moment, Y/N confirms that she hadn’t.  All she had said was that she was getting a ride with someone.  Why had she done that, she wonders?  She’s sure she’s mentioned Harry in passing to Brant at least once.  When she talked about the wedding, probably.  As she thinks about it more, however…what had she told Brant about the wedding?  About Jo? How much does he actually know about her personal life?  Most of their dinner conversations revolve around work, or some book both of them have read.  Had the topic ever come up in detail?

“I’m, um, I’m driving with one of Laure’s friends.” Y/N brings the phone closer to her mouth as her other hand works its way to her mouth.  She begins to chew on a hangnail absentmindedly between her words, something she always does when her nerves begin to get to her.  She can’t count the number of times Jo has grasped her wrist and pulled her hand from her mouth to chastise her about the habit. “We’re…we’re in Colorado now.”

“Oh, Colorado.  That’s nice.” Brant says over the rustling of papers. “Listen, Y/N, I’ve got some work to get back to, but I’m glad we had this talk. I’ll call you again soon.”

“Uh, yeah.  Sure.  I’ll talk to you later.” Y/N nods, and then the line goes dead.  Out of curiosity, Y/N checks the length of the call.  The time 3:09 blinks back at her.

Tossing her phone back down on the covers, Y/N resumes her relaxed position in bed, despite being anything but relaxed after that phone call.  She should feel guilty, she thinks, for not telling Brant about Harry. But then again, what’s there to tell? She said she was getting a ride with one of Laure’s friends, and that’s true.  She hadn’t lied.  And even if Brant did know that the friend is Harry, why would he care?  It’s just Harry.  There’s no reason for Brant to be alarmed, because there’s nothing going on. And she and Brant…Y/N glances down at the call time again.  Things are different between them.  There’s…they’re comfortable as they are, she thinks.  They’re not dating, and they’re comfortable like that.  So there’s no reason to tell him about Harry, because there’s nothing to tell.  Nothing at all.

Y/N refocuses on the TV screen, where Patrick Swayze is dancing in a tight black tank top. Right.  Nothing to tell.

…

When Y/N leaves her motel room the next morning with her bag over her shoulder, Harry is already waiting by his car, leaning against the dusty black body with two coffee cups in his hands.  He’s dressed in another black t-shirt (Y/N wonders just how many identical copies of the same shirt Harry has) with usual jeans covering his long legs.  His curls are tied out of his face with a dark green bandana, and Y/N knows that if his eyes weren’t covered with his black sunglasses, the bandana would make them even brighter than they usually are.

“Hey.” Harry calls to her, extending a ringed hand that holds a coffee cup towards her as she walks over. “I got the coffee this morning.  You drink it black, right?”

Y/N nods as she takes the cup from him, careful not to brush over his fingers with her own. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Harry crosses around to the back of the car, opening the trunk with a turn of his key. “Here.” Harry holds out his free hand for Y/N’s bag, taking it from her and setting it down on top of the suitcases in the back. “I got it.”

Y/N regards Harry with a bemused look as she wraps both hands around her coffee cup. “Thanks?” She says again, more questioning this time as she looks at him strangely. “I can do that myself, you know.”

“I know.  I’m just trying to be polite.” Harry’s voice takes on its usual bite like he’s flipping a switch. “Is that alright with you, princess?”

Within a second, the familiar irritation with Harry returns to Y/N, and it’s almost comforting to snap back at him in a testy voice. “Don’t call me that.”

Harry snickers under his breath, and although the sound makes Y/N’s annoyance grow, she detects a different tone in it than a few days before.  Before she can place a finger on why it sounds different, however, Harry is climbing into the driver’s side of the car and starting the engine.

The two of them are silent as Harry finds his way back to the highway, and they stay in that silence for the first few hours of that day’s leg of the trip.  As the third hour begins to pass, Y/N is content listening to the throaty and captivating voice of Stevie Nicks fill the cab of the car. By the second chorus of the song, Y/N is humming along quietly, her foot tapping to the same beat that Harry’s fingers are spelling out against the steering wheel.  It’s comfortable, she thinks after a moment.  The silence between them.  It feels different than it did on their first day, when Y/N was questioning her choice to get into a car with Harry and commit to a 42 hour drive. The silence seems to be fueled more by comfort than tension.  It’s…refreshing.

A memory from the first day ignites in the back of her mind, a spark so bright and obvious that she can’t believe it took her so long to see it. “Stevie.” Y/N says suddenly, turning to Harry as a smile spreads over her face. “You named your car Stevie, as in Stevie Nicks?”

Harry laughs, his shoulders moving up and down beneath his black t-shirt from the motion.  One hand lifts from the steering wheel and points a finger gun at her. “Took you long enough.  I was wondering how many days you’d have to listen to my music to get it.”

Y/N gives his hand a light shove. “I was too distracted by the fact that you named your car.” She rolls her eyes, bringing her bottle of water to her lips for a short sip. “I still think it’s weird.”

“It gives her character.” Harry defends himself as he rubs a hand over the steering wheel absentmindedly. Y/N can see the mirth swirling around in his light irises. “A bit of personality.  Just because you don’t value personalities doesn’t mean anyone else doesn’t.”

“I don’t value personalities?” Turning in her seat to stare at Harry head on, Y/N raises an eyebrow in question. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just your taste in men, that’s all.” Harry says it casually, like it really can just be a “that’s all” type of sentence.

Within a heart beat, the comfortable atmosphere in the car turns to ice as Y/N straightens in her seat, her spine tense, tightening every nerve in her body along with it. “What the fuck does that mean?”

When Harry glances at her again, his eyes darken, his guard going up as he senses the shift in Y/N’s tone. “Nothing, just…motel rooms have thin walls.” Harry mumbles, having the decency to keep his eyes on the road as his ears redden slightly. “And from what I overheard, Brant doesn’t exactly seem…stimulating.”

Y/N sputters indignantly for a moment, unable to form a coherent response as anger rises in her chest. “You—” She sucks in a quick breath that hits the back of her throat harshly. “You eavesdropped on me?”

Harry licks his lips once, clearing his throat once before answering.  The tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel has resumed, his nervousness apparent in his movements as well as his facial expressions. “Not on purpose.  I told you, the walls were thin.”

“So put in head phones!” Y/N exclaims, gripping her water bottle so tight that her fingers begin to strain in protest against the metal exterior.  She has half a mind to throw the bottle at Harry in her anger, barely able to talk herself down from the ledge of the idea.

Harry’s posture shifts in his seat as his shoulders square, and Y/N can practically see his defensive side emerge from within his chest. “It’s not like you two were having phone sex.” He rolls his eyes at the idea. “It was the most boring conversation in the world, and lasted, what, three minutes?  Makes you wonder how long he lasts in other ways, doesn’t it?”

“Stop the car.” Y/N’s voice is low and void of emotion as she replies, her body turned back forward in her seat.

“Am I wrong?  It’s not like you know for sure—”

Anger bubbles over in Y/N’s chest, cancelling out any rational thought she has inside her and leaving pure, unadulterated fury. “Stop the car, Harry!  Now!”

Harry half jumps in his seat when Y/N yells, and he quickly jerks the car to the side of the highway without so much as a turn signal.  Pulling her seatbelt off as he pulls over, Y/N is out the door before Harry can so much as put the car into neutral.  While her more rational mind would tell her that she has nowhere to walk to along a highway in Colorado as the sky darkens to an angry black above them, the only thing she’s thinking of is getting away from Harry.  Stupid, self-absorbed, ignorant, and rude Harry.

“Y/N—” The sound of Harry scrambling out of the car and slamming the door behind him pushes her to walk faster. “Y/N, come back—”

Y/N turns around on her heel fast and hard, heart pounding so fast that she thinks it might break through her ribs. “What is your problem?” She hisses, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Why do you insist on being so—so nasty about him?  You don’t even know him!”

Harry freezes where he is as the wind whips his hair around his face, his bandana barely keeping the messy curls in place. “I don’t—” His speech falters, and he sucks in a sharp breath before continuing. “I don’t think I’m being…nasty.”

“Well, you are!” Y/N takes a deep breath in, placing her hands over her stomach as it expands with air.  It’s a trick that Jo taught her back in high school, as a way to ground herself to her body. Feeling the movement of air in and out of her lungs helps calm her, even if by just a fraction. “Brant is just—he’s someone I’m talking to.  We’ve gone on dates, but we’re not dating, and even though we’re not dating, that doesn’t mean that you can insinuate things about him, or eavesdrop on our private conversations!”

Harry’s jaw tenses as he listens to Y/N speak, waiting until she’s finished her speech to respond in a harsh and clipped tone. “I already told you, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. And I’m teasing you.  It’s supposed to be a joke.  Isn’t that what friends do?”

“But we’re not friends, Harry.” Y/N’s voice is flat, the fury in her tone replaced with a hollow emptiness. “We’re not friends.  I don’t need you teasing me about a boy like we’re buddies, or whatever, because we’re not.”

Although Harry opens his mouth to respond, no words cross over the edges of his pink lips.  His jaw tightens even more as he closes his mouth again, and Y/N can see a million things flitting through his green irises, which are getting darker by the moment.  Y/N’s not certain if the darkness is from her words, or the black sky rolling above them that’s sapping the light of day from the atmosphere, and she’s not sure if she can take the answer either way.  Part of her knows that maybe—just maybe—she’s blown this whole thing out of proportion, and maybe she should examine why Harry making fun of Brant bothers her like it does.  It’s not like she’s unaware of his shortcomings, she thinks, but then she wonders why she’s now seeing them as shortcomings, when a week ago, she saw them as positives.  Y/N never has to worry about Brant being too much for her, or forgetful, or scatterbrained—he’s organized, and secure, and stable, and that’s what she likes.  It’s always been what she likes.

Harry’s delayed response tears Y/N from her thoughts. “Not friends.  Got it.” He mutters, rubbing his hand over his stubbled and taut cheeks. “Just get back in the car, then.  Let’s go.”

…

“Hello!  My name is Gracie, I’ll be your server today.” The waitress in the tiny diner smiles at Harry and Y/N, a notepad in one hand and a half filled coffee pot in the other. “Can I get you guys anything to start?”

“Coffee.” Harry and Y/N speak at the same time, each person’s eyes flickering to the other before looking away.  Y/N keeps her eyes focused on her off-white ceramic coffee cup as Gracie fills it, refusing to make eye contact with Harry again.

The last hour has been almost unbearable.  After they got back in the car, Harry had turned off his playlist, and for the first time since the road trip had begun, true silence had fallen between them. Y/N had thought she would like it, but truthfully, it had been the worst thing she’d ever heard.  Every few minutes, she’d hear Harry shift, or sigh, or tap a tense finger against the gear shift, and she wished that she could say something, but she didn’t.  She couldn’t.  She’d been grateful when he wordlessly exited the highway and parked in front of a diner, as the conversations of stopped truck drivers and the clatter of a kitchen was a good distraction from their argument.

A movement in the corner of her eye catches her attention, and Y/N glances up just enough to watch Harry slip a pat of butter into his coffee, stirring the contents of the cup with his spoon until it’s melted together.  She wrinkles her nose in disgust, and almost opens her mouth to make a comment (“Really, Harry?  Just add milk like a regular person, instead of drinking a cup of grease.”), but bites it back before it can fall off her tongue.  They’re not exactly in the position to make quips to each other, she thinks, especially after she told him that they weren’t friends.

Which they’re not. They’ve never been friends; that fact isn’t exactly news.  Not getting along has been Harry and Y/N’s signature since the day they first met. So why is there a pit in Y/N’s stomach that gets deeper every time Harry looks away from her?

The click of heels alerts Y/N of Gracie’s returned presence before her voice does. “Have you two decided what you’d like to eat?”

“I’ll have a turkey club, please, on whole wheat bread.” Harry folds up his plastic menu carefully. “And a glass of water on the side.”

Gracie nods, taking the menu from him before turning her eyes to Y/N. “And for yourself?”

“Um—” Y/N had barely glanced at the menu, too lost in her thoughts to think about it. “I’ll just have a burger, please.  And a water, as well.”

Gracie nods as she writes down the order, taking Y/N’s menu and giving the pair one last smile before disappearing to the kitchen.  A fresh wave of silence falls between Harry and Y/N as each of them sips their coffee, both of them doing their best not to look at the person sitting across from them.

Y/N’s best, however, is not up to her usual standard, as she can’t stop herself from stealing a few quick glances while Harry looks out the window.  He hasn’t shaved in a couple days, she notices, as the stubble on his cheeks and chin is even darker than it was the day before.  There’s a permanent crease between his eyebrows, his face as tense as she’s ever seen it, and a darkness over his whole expression overall. It’s like there’s a new wall up between the two of them, and Y/N’s never felt more detached from him.  Which, honestly, is saying something.

She’s looking back down at her own half empty coffee when Harry finally speaks a few minutes later, his voice just as tense as his expression.

“Shit.” He says in a low voice, and then the next sound Y/N hears is that of someone ruffling through pockets.  

She looks up to see Harry doing just that, his hands digging through the outer pockets of his army green jacket. “What?” She asks, her curiosity outweighing her need to continue the silent treatment. “What is it?”

“I had the vows in my—my pocket, but they’re—” Harry jams his hands inside a pocket sewn into the lining of his jacket, and Y/N watches as his face visibly relaxes. “Oh, thank God. I thought they fell out.”

Harry removes his hand from his pocket, two folded up notes clutched within his hand.  Each one is labeled carefully, one with Jo written in Laure’s neat penmanship, and the other with Laure scribbled in Jo’s quick writing.  

Y/N recognizes the papers immediately.  It’s easy, really, considering the amount of time she spent helping Jo rewrite draft after draft of the same sentiments. “You have Jo and Laure’s vows?” She questions, her eyebrows raising in surprise. “Why?”

“The same reason you have their wedding bands.” Harry shrugs as he turns the papers over in his careful fingers, making sure not to crease them. “They forgot them.”

A small smile plays on the edge of Y/N’s lips at the memory of her forgetful friends. “Right.  Of course.”

Harry’s eyes flicker to Y/N’s mouth at the sign of movement, and he tugs his bottom lip between his teeth before responding. “Want to take a look?”

“At their vows?” Y/N looks around, as if someone could be watching and monitoring them. “I—that doesn’t seem right.”

“Fine.  Then don’t look at them.” Harry says easily, setting the note labeled Laure on the table between them.  His nimble fingers unfold the paper labeled with Jo’s name as his green irises begin to scan across the sheet. “I’ll read them.”

It only takes a few seconds of watching Harry read over the words for Y/N to crack. “Wait.” She brings her thumb to her mouth, chewing anxiously on her cuticle as Harry quirks an eyebrow at her. “Will you read them to me?”

When she asks, Harry spends so long staring at her that Y/N thinks he’ll refuse.  His jade eyes meet hers with an intensity that almost makes her flinch, but Y/N holds his stare, refusing to be the first to back down. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Harry gives a sharp nod, looking down at the note before he starts to read from the beginning.

“‘My darling Jo’,” He begins, his voice soft and low, his accent thick. “‘It seems so strange that this day is finally here.  I feel like we’ve been building up to it ever since the day we first met, and yet it’s always seemed so far away.  When I was a little girl, I always’…” Harry trails off as his eyes continue to move across the words, and he clears his throat before attempting to continue to read aloud. “‘I always thought that there was something wrong with me.  I thought that the things that I felt, and the way that I loved, was dirty.  I thought it was wrong.  I thought that—that I was going against God, and against nature, and that I was going to be punished for it.  And then I met you’.”

Harry pauses to take a sip of his coffee, and Y/N does the same.  There’s a shine beginning to appear in his eyes, and Y/N recognizes it as the beginning of tears because she feels the same thing brimming in her own eyes. She feels a bit guilty for reading the vows, but reasons that it’s for the best.  If she were to hear them for the first time at the wedding, she doesn’t think she’d be able to keep it together.

“‘The moment I met you, I knew that the way I loved could never be wrong, or be dirty, because I was loving you’.” Harry’s accent grows thicker the more he reads, and although Y/N hasn’t seem Harry in many different emotional states, she can tell that this is a sign of how the vows are affecting him. “‘Being with you could never be wrong, and God could never get mad at me for it, because only God could create someone as perfect as you.  I promise to love you when you wake me up at 3 A.M. because you’ve stolen all the blankets, and I promise to love you at 6 P.M. when you almost burn down our apartment while trying to cook for me.  I promise to support you through everything, listen to your stories, and watch in wonder as you make a difference in this world.  I promise to never let my anger get the best of me, and to always give you the benefit of the doubt.  I promise to love every version of yourself that you grow into, just as I’ve loved all the versions you once were.  I promise to love you in every way humanly possible, and even in ways that aren’t humanly possible.  I promise to love, period.  I’—” Harry’s voice cracks, and he glances up at Y/N as he clears his throat to continue. “‘I love you’.”

Y/N doesn’t realize just how emotional listening to Harry read Laure’s vows has made her until the first tear wells over the corner of her eye.  She turns her head towards the window to wipe it away as quickly and inconspicuously as possible, but from the way Harry is looking at her when she turns back around, she knows that he caught what she was doing.

“That, um—” Now it’s Y/N’s turn to attempt to clear the emotion from her throat. “Wow.”

Harry carefully folds Laure’s vows back up, taking extra care to re-crease the paper exactly how it had been folded. “I didn’t know she…felt like that.” Harry says after a moment, his voice quiet. “Like she was…wrong.”

Y/N, unsure of what to say, just nods while reaching for Jo’s vows in front of her.  Like Harry, she takes great care when unfolding the paper, smoothing it gently between her hands. “I’ll read Jo’s, then?”

Harry nods as he takes a sip of his water. “Sure.”

Y/N licks her lips once, wetting them with what little saliva she has in her mouth before beginning. “‘Laure’,” She starts, emotion already rising up to form a lump in her throat. “‘I don’t even know where to begin.  I’ve tried to write down all the ways I love you a million different times, but I can never seem to find the right words.  The problem is, I don’t think that there is a big enough word to describe what I feel for you.  ‘Love’ is only four letters, and four letters is just not enough to contain everything I feel.  ‘Adoration’ is nine letters, but even that doesn’t come close.  I think the best way I can describe it is ‘permanent’.” Y/N pauses her reading to take a long gulp of water, the coolness soothing the dry and parched feeling in her mouth and throat. “‘Anyone who knows me knows that I have trouble committing.  The idea of having something forever, of being in one place, normally terrifies me. But the idea of having you forever, and being in one place with you forever…that’s all I want.  I want us to be permanent to each other.  Even when we struggle, and we will struggle, I know that we won’t fall apart.  Committing to you isn’t any trouble.  It’s as easy as breathing.  I’m sure of you, and I’m sure of us.  I love you, permanently.  I’ll love you when you’re sick and gross, and I’ll love you when you’re old with a bad hip.” A small laugh falls out of Y/N’s mouth before she continues. “I’ll love you when you haggle at flea markets for the best prices, and I’ll love you when you do something so stupid that it makes me want to tear my hair out.  I love you permanently, and I want all of our family and friends to witness me saying that.  I’ll never back out, or bail, or run away from you.  You’re the one thing in my life that’s never felt hard. You’re my home base, and my north star, and you bring me back down to Earth whenever I need it.  I love you permanently, Laure.  I’ll never stop’.”

As she finishes reading, Y/N folds the paper back up, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand before grabbing the other note sitting on the table.  She pushes them towards Harry, her misty eyes unable to meet his. “Here. Put these away again, somewhere safe.”

Harry takes the vows from her, slipping them back inside his inner jacket pocket for safekeeping. “It’s probably—” He clears his throat once more, and Y/N knows that the vows have caught him in his chest just as they’ve caught her. “It’s probably good that we read them now, so that we’re…prepared for the ceremony.”

“Yeah.” Y/N wraps her hands around her coffee mug, the warm ceramic surface heating her cold fingers. “You’re right.  They really…love each other.”

Harry taps his fingers against the table top, a concentrative and thoughtful expression on his face.  His eyebrows are knit together above his stormy green eyes, and his pink tongue swipes over his pinker lips once before he speaks. “You know, Laure is my closest friend.  I don’t want her to get hurt.”

Immediately registering the tone of Harry’s voice, Y/N’s head snaps up, her own eyes becoming stormy as they meet his own. “Jo would never hurt Laure.” Y/N says defensively, the hairs on the back of her neck pricking up at even the suggestion of her friend hurting someone. “Didn’t you hear her vows?  I’ve never heard her sound so sure of something in her entire life.”

Harry’s jaw flexes at the cadence of Y/N’s voice, and his is just as agitated when he responds. “I’m just saying, if anything ever happened—”

“And I’m just saying, it won’t.” The tension between them doubles as Y/N shoots Harry an icy glare. “Do you just look for the worst in people?  Is that all you do?”

“You think I look for the worst in people?  Really?” Harry barks out a harsh laugh, pressing one hand flat against the table as the other fixes his bandana. “Christ, if that’s what you think of me—”

“Why would I think anything else?” Y/N asks incredulously, tilting her head to the side as she regards him. “All you’ve shown me is—”

“Alright, I have the turkey club on whole wheat, and the burger here.” Gracie appears suddenly to Y/N’s right, her tray loaded with food. “Here you guys are…” She sets the plates down in front of Harry and Y/N, her gaze darting between them nervously as she reads the tension in the booth. “Is…there anything else I can get you two?”

“No.” Harry’s voice is hard. “We don’t need anything else.”

…

By the time Harry pulls the car into a motel just off the highway in Lexington, Nebraska, all Y/N wants is a moment alone.  The strained atmosphere during that day’s drive had been unbearable, and between the anxiety from her confrontation with Harry and the sound of thunder beginning in the distance, Y/N just needs some space to herself to relax and calm down.

Of course, just because that’s what she needs, doesn’t mean that she’s going to get it.  When Harry returns back to the car with a single key in his hand and a sour look on his face, Y/N knows for sure that the universe is against her.

This room, at least, she’s pleased to find, has two actual beds, which are pushed up against the wall perpendicular to the door with a small night table between them.  However, that’s where her pleasure stops, as the click of Harry turning the lock behind her just reminds her that she’s trapped in here, with no chance to get away from Harry, the oncoming storm, or any one of her problems that have developed over the last four days.  The reality of the situation hits her all at once, and it takes all of Y/N’s self control to toss her bag on the bed and walk brusquely to the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind her before she allows herself to show a sign of her emotions.

The rest of the evening passes in silence.  She showers before changing into her sports bra and boxers, but the amount of exposed skin sends a vulnerable shiver down her spine.  Y/N opts for pulling a sweatshirt over her body, and then sets herself the task of braiding her hair to distract herself.  After that’s done, she busies herself with her skincare routine, taking up as much time as she can in the bathroom before she absolutely has to leave its private interior.

Harry, however, seems to want to see as little of Y/N as she wants to see of him, and pushes past her to enter the bathroom the moment that she steps out of it.  His routine, it seems, is designed to take up just as much time as hers was, because by the time Harry exits the bathroom, the scent of his shampoo trailing behind him, Y/N is already tucked under the covers of her bed, although she’s far from asleep.

In the time it took for her to shower and get ready for bed, the storm had picked up, and the only thing audible in the room was the sound of rain pelting against the roof and window, the wind howling through the trees, and Y/N’s shallow, uneven breaths. She wraps the sheets tightly around herself, pulling them taut to her chin with clenched fists that tighten every time a clap of thunder echoes through the room.  Although she’s turned to face the wall, away from Harry, she can hear his footsteps pause as he gets a glimpse of her shivering form beneath the blankets, and she does her best to will herself to appear asleep.  Breathing in as deeply as her tight chest will allow her, Y/N attempts to even her breathing, forcing her shoulders rise and fall in a way that appears natural and normal.  But all it takes is one clap of thunder for the controlled motion to go out the window.

“Y/N…” Harry’s voice is low, but despite its raspy cadence, it lacks the rough edge that it had earlier. The bed behind her squeaks, signalling that Harry’s taken a seat on the edge of it. “Are you—?”

“I-I’m fine.” Y/N says quickly, pulling the sheets tighter to her chin as another shiver rolls through her body. “Go to sleep.”

There’s another creak of Harry’s bed, and Y/N imagines him climbing under the starched linen covers, his damp curls flopping into his eyes as he lays back on the lumpy motel pillow. The image is almost enough to distract her until there’s another clap of thunder.  The sound seems to shake the motel room, and Y/N can’t stop the small whimper that leaves her lips as her body jumps in response.

“When I was a little kid, my mum took my sister and I to the fair every year.”

Harry’s deep voice cuts over the rain, and Y/N shifts in her bed, turning over to face him.  She keeps the covers pulled up to her chin, but readjusts herself so that she can keep her head on her pillow while looking Harry in the eye. “What?” She asks, confusion audible in her quiet tone.

Harry shifts himself as she does, continuing to move down until he’s completely horizontal, with one hand tucked under his pillow as he speaks. “My mum took my sister and I to the fair.  It came to Holmes Chapel every spring, and there were always rides, and games to play, and so many things to see.  It drew crowds from nearby villages every year, really big crowds, and my mum always held my hand tightly so I wouldn’t get lost.”

“I don’t understand, what—” Another clap of thunder shakes the room, making Y/N flinch halfway through her sentence.

“You’re okay.” Harry says immediately, his calm jade eyes focused on her as the reassurance slips from his mouth.  He waits a moment, gauging Y/N’s body language and waiting for his examination to be positive before resuming his story. “So…my mum always told me not to wander off, but when I was six, I did.  I saw some older kids playing games that I wanted to play, and Gemma was busy playing some sort of game with a ball—I can’t really remember what—and when my mum turned her back, I ran off.”

Y/N’s about to open her mouth to ask why he’s telling her the story when the answer clicks into place in her head.  She thinks back to the conversation in the car the day before, how she told Harry that it helps when someone talks to her to distract her from the thunder.  That’s what he’s doing, she realizes, as she forces herself to focus on his quiet and level voice.  He’s trying to keep her calm, even after everything she said and did today.

“I don’t look like it now,” A small smile flits across Harry’s blushed lips. “But I was pretty scrawny back then.  And all the people around me were so tall, my eyes were barely level with their hips. Everyone was rushing around, going in all directions, and I kept calling for my mum, but she couldn’t hear me.  No one stopped to help me.  I felt like I was…trapped.  Like it was a huge forest of legs, running all around me, circling me, and I couldn’t get out.  I was probably only gone for five minutes, but to a six year old, it felt like an eternity.  And just something about it…I don’t know.  It changed me.  I still don’t like crowds because of that day.”

Y/N’s shoulders unclench the slightest bit as another gust of wind blows against the window. “That must have been scary.”

Harry’s own shoulders lift in a slight shrug as he shifts the sheet to cover him more. “It was. But I can’t change it.  I just have to deal with the repercussions of it. That’s all a fear is, really.  A side effect.  We just have to deal with them as best we can.”

More thunder booms loudly outside, but Y/N manages to keep her flinch to a minimum, despite her hands curling into fists again under the covers. “Harry…” She whispers his name into the darkness between them, his outline barely visible save for his green eyes. “I’m—I’m sorry about today.”

Harry shakes his head, his damp hair rubbing against his pillow. “You don’t have to apologize.” He whispers back, his tone as gentle as she’s ever heard it. “I was an arse.  I shouldn’t have pushed the topic.”

“I shouldn’t have been so uptight about it.” Rubbing her eyes with one fist, Y/N lets out a low sigh. “I felt so shitty all day because of our fight.  I’ve never…none of our fights have ever made me feel like that.”

“Maybe it’s because…” Harry’s tentative voice trails off, his eyes flickering to the ground for a brief moment before staring back at Y/N nervously. “I don’t know.  I thought we were getting along better.  For a moment, at least.”

“We were.” Y/N’s teeth tug on her bottom lip, and she feels a sudden shyness overcome her at the admission. “I’m sorry I said that we…weren’t friends.  I think…I don’t know.  I’ve been stubborn for so long, but I can see now that you’re different than I thought you were.”

“Yeah.  Me too.  I was wrong, too.” Harry runs a hand through his damp curls, a soft laugh leaving his mouth. “How did we even end up like this?  I barely remember what made us hate each other so much in the beginning.”

“Seriously?” Y/N raises an eyebrow, barely peaking out from beneath the sheets as another clap of thunder sounds. “You don’t remember?”

Harry mimics her expression. “Do you?”

“Yes!  It was the very first night we met.  We had that double date with Laure and Jo.” Shifting beneath her covers, Y/N moves herself into a better position on her side, so she can be more comfortable while still maintaining eye contact with Harry. “And you were rude, and made inappropriate jokes, and you left in the middle of the date to go chat up a sorority girl!”

“Wait a minute, no!” Harry protests the memory, half sitting up in his bed as he speaks. “That’s not what happened!”

“Yes, it is!” A small laugh falls off Y/N’s lips at his indignant reaction. “I remember it perfectly!”

“No, you remember it wrong!” Although a flush creeps up Harry’s neck, there’s an amused smile playing on his lips, a tiny hint of a dimple just barely appearing in his visible cheek. “I was making jokes to try and break the ice, which didn’t work on the Ice Queen, it seems—” Harry motions to Y/N teasingly. “And you’re the one who started talking to some bloke before I started talking to that girl!”

Another clap of thunder echoes through the room, but Y/N hardly notices as she thinks back to the night they met, and who Harry could possibly be referring to. “A bloke—?  He was a classmate of mine!  I had to talk to him!”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t have to enjoy it so much.” Harry grumbles, crossing his muscled arms over his sheets. “I had been so excited when Laure said she had an American girl for me, and then—”

“You were excited?” Y/N asks, her voice laced with surprise. “Really?”

The flush on Harry’s neck works its way to the apples of his cheeks. “Well, yeah.” He mumbles the words as his eyes drop from Y/N’s, slipping both hands beneath his head. “She said that you were funny, intelligent, witty, beautiful—”

“And then you met me, and realized that it was all a lie?” Y/N finishes for him, rolling her eyes in the darkness.

“No.” Harry gives a small shake of his head as his body shifts, the motel bed creaking under his weight. “No, she wasn’t wrong.  You were all of those things.  But I wasn’t, and it seemed like…I don’t know.  Like you didn’t think I was good enough for you.  I couldn’t keep your attention.”

The teasing smile slips from Y/N’s face as she registers Harry’s words. “You thought that I thought you weren’t…good enough?”

The nervousness is clear in Harry’s voice now, even over the pounding of rain against the window. “That’s what it seemed like, yeah.”

“I never—I didn’t think that.” Y/N says slowly, managing to relax her body beneath the sheets as she keeps her focus on the memory of meeting Harry. “I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be there, but that’s because Jo set the date up without telling me.  I thought you were handsome, and I liked your accent, but then you started to act weird, and you started flirting with that girl, so I thought you were an ass.”

“You still think I’m an arse, princess, be honest.” The teasing tone replaces the nerves, and for once, Harry’s joke has the intended affect on Y/N.  When she rolls her eyes again, it’s more playful, and the same tone is in her voice when she responds.

“I told you, don’t call me princess.” She replies, running her teeth over her lip gently. “So…I guess we both kind of fucked up that day.”

“Yeah.” Harry nods, a sheepish smile playing over his red lips. “I guess so.”

“Can we just restart?” Y/N’s voice is small when she asks the question, barely audible over the sounds of the storm raging outside. “Like, all the way from the beginning. No more grudges, no more yelling. Even if it’s just for this trip, for Jo and Laure—”

“It doesn’t have to be just for this trip.” Harry cuts in, his eyes catching Y/N’s again. “We’re going to have to be around each other for a long time.  It’ll be a lot easer if we get along.”

Y/N nods in agreement, tugging down her covers to extend one arm towards Harry.  She makes a fist, holding out just her pinkie finger to him with half a grin on her face. “Truce?”

The space between their beds is small, and Harry’s long arm easily makes it across the no man’s land to meet Y/N’s pinkie with his own.  He loops it together with a smile that matches hers, tired and content and just at the edge of a humble new beginning.  Harry’s response is almost inaudible as thunder booms loudly outside the room, but Y/N can still pick out the cadence of his accent under the noise.

“Truce.”

(pt II)

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