#I won’t lie I still like it I’m just confused why I felt so strongly before

[casspurrjoybell-20]

Sky Twizzlers - Chapter 15a

*Warning Adult Content*

Why Am I Here? - Part 3 - Evander 

I followed after Aaron silently, confused by his actions. Why wasn't he telling me what I did wrong? Did I even do anything to upset him? I wouldn't be able to know unless he told me. I heard Aubrey greet Aaron and the other didn't even answer. Aubrey's bright smile fell a bit and it made me speak up. 

"Don't dump your issues with me onto Aubrey, Aaron."

Aaron didn't answer and slammed the bathroom door shut, leaving Aubrey and me in silence. I sighed in frustration, running a hand through my hair. One moment I feel like we were making a proper connection and the next he's withdrawn and running away. 

"What happened to you two? Why is Aaron upset?" Aubrey asked me quietly.

"I do not know. We were talking and I leaned in to kiss him. He suddenly stood up and started talking about leaving. I fear that I scared him away," I admitted.

I walked over to sit on the bed, looking at Aubrey carefully to gauge his reaction.

"He ran away from a kiss?" he asked carefully.

"That's what it seemed like to me, yes. He also mentioned needing to talk to both of us about something. I'm not sure what, though. Perhaps that also influenced his actions."

Aubrey bit his lip. 

"I'm sure Aaron didn't mean to be rude," he offered up in defense of the other.

"Even if his intentions weren't that, he was still harsh. He didn't need to pull you into our issues," I told him.

He blushed lightly and nodded, looking down at the sheets. 

"I'm sorry if you feel hurt or anything," I added carefully.

"I'm not hurt," he said quickly, looking up at me with wide green and brown eyes.

"Good. Now, what do you think we should do now?"

We both turned to look at the closed bathroom door. It was dead silent. I still felt that anger and frustration welled up inside me from what just transpired. Why couldn't Aaron communicate with us and explain what had gone wrong? Were we not all adults here?

"Maybe we should give him some space," Aubrey suggested. 

"He looked really upset. Do you think... do you think he doesn't like us anymore?"

I was taken aback by Aubrey's words. 

"What? Why do you think that?"

"Well, I don't know. He can be really distant sometimes. Like he's afraid. And with what just happened, what if he doesn't like us? What if he doesn't feel the mate bond as strongly as I do?"

Tears formed in his eyes and I reached out to catch one that fell from his lovely brown eye. Scooting closer, Aubrey crawled into my lap, allowing me to run my hand through his curls comfortingly. The sweet scent of his blood quickly filled my senses. 

"I'm sure he cares about us as much as you do. It's been such a short period of time since we all met. Maybe he just feels a bit shy."

"Maybe," he whispered. 

"I don't feel like you guys are strangers, though. Maybe it's because I'm a nymph but my feelings for you two are so strong already and I'm worried they won't be returned."

Reaching down to lift his chin, I offered a gentle smile. 

"I do care. Even if I'm not compelled by the bond yet like you two are, I still feel that attraction that ties us all together. You have nothing to fear, Aubrey," I whispered.

He gave me a watery smile. 

"Thank you, Evander."

We sat like that for a bit, Aubrey leaned against my chest as I continued to play with his soft hair when we heard a knock at the door. I put Aubrey down onto the bed and went over to the door, unlocking it after peeking into the peephole. 

"Hello. Erin was it?"

"Uh, yeah, hi," the Alpha said with a smile. 

"Is Aaron up? I know he likes to wake up early and stuff and I wanted to invite you guys to breakfast."

I hesitated for a moment. Did I tell him that Aaron was locked away in our bathroom or did I lie? Even if I was against letting someone else meddle with our personal affairs, my understanding was that if anyone could get Aaron to open up, it would be his Alpha. They seemed very close, an advantage that neither Aubrey nor I had just yet. 

"Actually, if you could come inside for a bit, that would be great."

"Um, okay?"

Erin entered the room and I closed the door behind him. Aubrey looked at the two of us curiously. 

"Where's Aaron?" the werewolf asked, looking around.

"Locked in the bathroom," I answered bluntly.

“What?”

"Aaron and I had a bit of a problem earlier and now he doesn't want to talk to us. At least, I don't think he does. Maybe it would be a good idea if you could try and get him to open up?" I asked.

"Oh," Erin said with a nod. 

"I'll give it a shot but he's very stubborn."

“Please.”

Erin walked over to the bathroom door and knocked on it gently.

"I don't want to talk right now, Evander, so please, go away," Aaron said loudly but his voice sounded off.

"It's me, Erin. Open up so you can face me or link me. Either way, I'm not letting you sit around by yourself to cry."

‘He was crying?’ 

How did Erin detect that from Aaron's voice? It didn't sound tear-filled or particularly sorrowful. It sounded blank and cold. 

‘The benefit of being a childhood friend.’

The door opened just enough for Erin to slip through, then it shut again. With a sigh, I walked back over to the bed. For some reason, I felt defeated. Perhaps it was because Aaron trusted someone else more than he did his own mates but I understood why. He didn't know us very well but he'd known Erin for years. They grew up together. They would always have a bond that he would never have with us. Maybe, one day, he would confide in us like he does with Erin but we weren't at that point yet.

‘So why do I still feel hurt by it?’

[littlewetbeast]

you know... sometimes i think i've got jackles figured out, i think i've nailed down why he's so inconsistent about destiel, why he acts so weird about it sometimes and other times not. then some information is flung at me and it's back to square one. why is that man so insane. he just genuinely confuses me.

aw man. this shit is like catnip to my overactive, over-analytical brain.

okay. listen. i’m not gonna lie: the more i try to understand the goings-on behind spn with any degree of nuance, the more my head threatens to melt. HOWEVER. while i joke about jensen ackles being an enigma, i don’t... actually think he is.

[disclaimer: the following points include speculation. i don’t know these people and will never claim to. this is just my take on it. never bring this up to the actors in question.]

the quick and dirty: i believe jensen is likely queer himself. i believe that he strongly identifies with dean, that he feeds off of the environment around him, and that how he feels he can act around destiel and dean’s sexuality depends on 1) his support network, 2) the immediate social environment, and 3) his work environment, all of which have evolved throughout the years BUT can also vary day to day. increased confidence and securer social environment has helped him decrease the need to perform and lessens the likelihood of acting out from insecurity, but doesn’t completely eliminate it. point is: the environment matters. the more insecure you are, the more it will affect your behaviour.

that’s it. not trying to excuse any shitty behaviour, just saying that’s what it is. 

the NOT so quick and dirty: so - my point is, as a queer guy in this industry, he has obviously learned to put up a front to protect himself. (even misha does this to some extent!) it’s douchey, and it’s stupid, but i understand it. think of the drastic difference of how he behaves around misha vs j*red, or even in a large group setting. i’m not saying he’s not friends with j*red, but i DO immediately see the difference of ‘front switched on’ and ‘front switched off’.

firstly - just because jensen has matured a lot over the past 15 years and is far more relaxed about himself today than he was back then, doesn’t mean he can’t still have moments of uncertainty that can occasionally push him back to his old, bad habits. basically, for someone who has grown up in a toxic heteronormative environment (being taught by his dad that drinking through straws was gay) - and in an industry that is very unfriendly to queerness and queer narratives until VERY recently (and even now is still pretty toxic) - utilizing his stupid douchey dudebro front during moments of anxiety has probably been his go-to coping method for the majority of his life. 

secondly - we all know he’s insanely close to dean as a character. dean is a part of him. he slips in and out of character effortlessly. he cares about dean and dean’s happiness. but dean was never intended to be a queer character. jensen has played queer characters before, but that’s the difference - he is ‘playing’ a queer character. he wasn’t supposed to be ‘playing’ dean as a queer character. readings of dean as queer makes, well. readings of him as queer. that’s it. for someone who puts up such a front, i can imagine he’d be shitting himself at people picking this up from him when he’s NOT in a supportive environment for it. (yes the ‘jackles acting choices’ are a Thing, but they most likely happened within more supportive environments and during times of confidence - and, let’s face it, i think sometimes jacting choices just naturally bleed in because he’s a good actor who makes good intuitive acting choices. that was likely the primary reason for it, especially early on.) 

basically - queer readings of dean are taken as queer readings of him. therefore, his reaction to destiel has also varied depending on the environment and his work circumstances. think of there being like... a constantly shifting scale of how supportive his social environment and work environment are of queer readings of the character he plays. the further back we go, the less supportive all of these factors are; the closer to the present, the more supportive these factors are.

“but rosa! why hasn’t he just shrugged and said it’s up to audience interpretation what dean’s sexuality is, like he has recently?”

because of *points to all of the above*.

let’s illustrate what i mean. 

exhibit A) it’s fairly early days of “destiel”, maybe season 6 or so. an audience member brings up dean’s reaction to dr sexy and asks why he can react like this yet destiel is not possible. jensen says dismissively because “destiel doesn’t exist” and that dean is simply a fan of the show, to an audience that cheers.

(work environment (spn): not supportive. immediate environment (audience): not supportive. social environment (j*red): less supportive*.) *I am not claiming j*red is homophobic; however, jensen HAS felt the need to perform around him aside from the last 1-2 years.

exhibit B) it’s 2019. jensen gets straddled by misha on stage and gets a [redacted] which j*red notices and covertly jokes about in front of a large audience. he visibly becomes upset and is in a vulnerable state. misha points out a ‘destiel is real’ t-shirt (the very fact that misha did this suggests he’s far more used to a jensen who is relaxed and supportive). jensen gets defensive and asks ‘where is destiel real?’

(work environment (spn): uncertain. immediate environment (audience): uncertain. social environment (j*red and misha): mixed*.) *do i think jensen would have reacted 10x better if j*red had not been there? yes. yes, i do. do i think he would he have reacted better if he hadn’t had a [redacted] that j*red made fun of? yes. yes, i do.

exhibit C) it’s 2019. jensen and j*red are in front of an audience which, given today’s times, are likely more used to queer narratives. it’s highly possible the queer storyline for cas has been confirmed at this point. jensen is calm and in control, and is not feeling the need to act up his front. someone brings up ‘samstiel’ and j*red gags. jensen, unprompted, shows support for destiel.

(work environment (spn): given the timing, likely supportive. immediate environment (audience): likely supportive. social environment: (at home) supportive, j*red: supportive or mixed.)

we know that he has progressively felt less of a need to use his ‘front’ and has become more relaxed over the years, which i believe is likely hugely due to the positive influences of danneel and misha (and maybe others). i don’t think that has been the case for ONLY the last two years. i think jensen during exhibit B was miles away from jensen in exhibit A. jensen is not miles away between exhibit B and exhibit C. those two are differences of environments where he feels confident, in control, and is supported by the narrative he’s meant to play (C), vs an environment he felt less supported and less in control of (B).  i won’t get into it in depth here, but it’s worth noting that the past ten years have also seen huge changes in fandom culture, how actors and fandom interact, and how the film industry and corporations at large handle queer narrative and fans. that certainly affects this dynamic.

and that’s it, really. jensen is a sensitive person who feeds heavily off the people and environments he’s in. he’s matured a lot over the years and i truly don’t think it’s a stretch to say that, in environments that would have supported it, he likely has been very positive about queer narratives in spn. source: his stark difference around misha, his willingness to flirt and joke about dean and cas with him, his occasional calmer and balanced reactions to destiel in more private settings.

aaand that’s how i see it, really. even if you don’t subscribe to truthing - or even jensen being queer - all of these things apply just as strongly to men who feel the need to perform. what can i say, toxic masculinity and homophobia sucks a lot and i’m glad society is shifting slowly in the right direction, and that jensen feels safer and more secure than he once did. shame the cw is unwilling to get with the times. EDIT: for some additional, vital context, i refer you to these two additional posts, which cover his upbringing, how speculations about his sexuality has hounded him his whole career, and his first intro to shipping on supernatural being j2/wincest, which included some real ugly shit.

#ask #rosa answers #analysis #jensen ackles #destiel #deancas #jenmish #cockles #gunshots #i am terminally incapable of giving short answers!!! sorry!!!! #YES i can and WILL indulge in speculations around dumb celebrities within the safety and comfort of my tumblr nest

[ourstarscollided]

So it’s been a little bit since we found out that JATP has been cancelled and I’ve been trying to process how I’m feeling. And honestly, it’s a little hard because in the back of my mind, I knew this was coming and yet, when I saw Kenny’s post I just didn’t want it to be true. There was this ache in my heart that I truly just can’t explain.

I won’t lie, I’m devastated that this is the final outcome after waiting over a year for news. I feel hurt and sad and frustrated and angry and confused. And I think it’s absolutely human of us to try to find people and things to blame or to try to think of logical reasons why it was cancelled. Because this show? This show was more than just a “kids show” to me. Gosh, this show felt like a lifeline being handed to me during the past two years, which have been the most uncertain and confusing time of my life. It sat me down for a mere 4 hours and told me to that it was okay to feel everything and to let love in and that sometimes, people come into your life when you least expect it to and change your life.

(Under a read more because this turned out way longer than I thought it’d be. I am going through it. Let me be.)

For a long time, I was not a part of fandom. Simply because life got in the way and there were some past experiences that put me off on ever really getting involved with an online community. But when I finished the show, I felt this weird little pull to see if maybe other people felt as strongly as I did about this brilliant female character and her ghost band. And boy oh boy did I find a very engaging and incredibly talented fandom when I finally remembered my Tumblr password. I was so astounded by the sheer impact this tiny little show had on other people (and right from the beginning!!), and there was just something in me that said I should stick around.

So I did. And boy am I glad that I did.

At the start, I innocently told myself that I could just simply reblog some things, maybe get it out of my system after a week or so. But something about the show and the characters and the stories and the music just would not let go of me. I found myself suddenly thinking about Alex and Reggie’s backstories. I was trying to piece together the connection between Rose and the boys. I was putting the characters into different stories and universes. I could visualize all these missing scenes from the show.

I didn’t realize it at that time, but it was like a spark had relit inside of me, igniting something. I was creating again, which was something I hadn’t thought about or done in years.

And then I started this little sideblog as a way for me to stay organized and kinda just poke my head around the fandom. I’ve still managed to keep my presence here how I want it to, on the sidelines and in the tags, but I’ve also somehow been able to connect with a small amount of people who have brought so much laughter and joy into my life through our shared connection of the show. I have gained new friends because of jatp and that’s something I never thought I could do again in a fandom.

I think it’s so easy to just wallow in the sadness and confusion. Heck, I laid on the floor of my room for a couple hours yesterday while listening to the soundtrack and fighting back tears every time I remembered we weren’t getting a season 2. But at the same time, I can’t help but stop myself from also being so so happy.

And it all comes down to the fact that I remember that this show simply e x i s t s. We have 9 beautifully written episodes about dealing with grief, finding family in other people, opening up to others, leaning on your friends and family. We got an amazing female POC as a lead who was allowed to just be a teenager and be surrounded by people who love and support her. We got an anxious boy who struggled with his sexuality who realized that they have not yet met all the ghosts people who will love him. We saw a runaway teen with a life cut short get to “fix” the thing he regretted the most and a second shot to live his dream. We see a beautiful and positive relationship between a father and his kids, who’s going through his own grieving process, but still shows them love and support in every way. We see the people who aren’t blood-related who stick around because they know you are more than the worst parts of yourself, because they know who you are when you are finally free and can shine. We have that.

We also get to revisit this show and its characters a million times over in different mediums, and that’s all in part due to the wonderful (and let’s be real, sometimes messy) fandom. I am constantly blown away by the astounding amount of amazing content created by this fandom. From the fanart to the gifsets to the graphics to the fics to the headcanons and the drabbles to the silly little text posts to memes to fanvids to songs and covers to cosplay to brilliant rambles in the tags and everything in between. There has been so much joy and comfort brought into my life because of you wonderful wonderful people.

So much has been created because of this show and that is not something a cancellation can take away from us. Ever.

This announcement feels like the ending of something, but it’s definitely not the end of this fandom. The jatp fandom has basically been running itself since its inception, and I don’t think anything will change that now. I hope you keep on creating and pouring your love into these characters because I know for myself, this show will forever be a constant inspiration for me and I don’t think that’ll ever really go away.

This show belongs to us, it always has, and forever will.

Legends on three?

1…

2…

3….

#jatp #this is so stupidly long and i dont think ANYONE will read this but just wanted to have this here on this blog. #shoutout to anyone who can be eloquent with their words. i cant do that sksj #gosh. i just. i dont know what to do with all these emotions. esp after watching spiderman yesterday and then seeing all the photos and #videos from the convention in Paris. and the immense amount of love being shared in this fandom since yesterday has been really wonderful. #JUST OVERALL FEELING VERY DEVASTATED #anyways. I’m going through it. #listening to the soundtrack juat hits different now I think #and to the people who’ve interacted with me and still do in any sort of capacity: thank you. you’ve made my life immensely better just by #simply being in it. #i also have a crazy amount of likes to queue from the past like 6 months so you should expect to continue to see extremely dated content #well into 2022!! #personal

[limitlessgojo]

Blood Bound: Blackened Bond (Ch 14)

Warnings: Action, Coarse Language, Fighting, Descriptions of Blood

Previous SFW Chapter: Home Sweet Home

Previous Chapter NSFW!: The More You Know

Next Chapter: Shadows Fall

Tags: Soulmates AU, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Fem!Reader

Taglist: @lessie-oxj @rizzo-nero @whoreuc @fkngkumiko @isl3t @gojoussunglasses @onepotatostand-blog @s-t-f-u-b-i-t-c-h @sunaswife @lordguameow @track5enthusiast

Notes: If you want to be tagged for every update, and specify if you're okay with NSFW posts or not, please mention it in the comments below ty ❤

Extra Notes: This is my favorite chapter by far in this book, I've been wanting to drop this for weeks! I hope you enjoy reading. Part 2 of the story starts from here on until the end. Feel free to scream in the comments as usual XD

Chapter 14: Big White Lies

As the days passed by, the seasons changed. You started class in Spring. Summer has long passed and it is now the beginning of Winter. Noritoshi, as usual, was really busy so you didn’t see him as often. But you let it go.

You wanted to do something nice for him, so you had the idea to surprise Noritoshi. Having some cupcakes in a small bag and a fresh cup of coffee in your other hand, you were outside his door, hiding your presence and cursed energy to mask your identity.

As you raised your hand to knock on his door, you heard a second male voice.

"I'm glad to hear that you've been getting along with your soulmate son." His father's voice was heard over a speaker. Oh he was on call with his dad!

Yikes, not the best time to interrupt. It is impolite to listen into the conversation, but you were too excited to surprise him that you decided to wait for the call to end.

"Is Y/N really deeply in love with you? Make sure to not let her go. That will surely help our clan's reputation rise above with her skills being integrated into ours. She can definitely bear strong heirs for our clan. For centuries it was the Zenins that harnessed various types of jujutsu shi with strong techniques. It's time we continuously expanded ours as well. Starting with her." The Kamo clan head sternly ordered his son.

'Huh?'

"Yes of course father. Don't worry. She has already confessed her love to me so there's nothing to worry about. I'll do my best to make this clan proud and powerful. I definitely won’t let you down." Noritoshi replied.

The smile on your face slowly faded as your face turned to stone. Ah. Was that it?

Is that what you amounted to only? A tool for their use. A stepping stone for the Kamo clan to get stronger. You started to feel nauseous. Is this the so-called secret he didn’t want to tell you about…

You stood quietly as you continued eavesdropping.

"Excellent. Heh, looks like you can actually be a womaniser if you wanted to. Women are way too easy. As I told you before, give her sweet touches, use pet names, give her lots of encouragement and make promises here and there and they'll be by your side before you know it." His father snorted.

"Yes, I've taken your advice into consideration and did as you said." Noritoshi spoke firmly. Your heart was breaking with every word spoken.

"If you don't like her or how she looks, you can have several concubines and wives anyways. Have your pick. Remember Homura chan? Now she's a stunner. Didn’t you also say you found her cute?"

‘What on earth is this? Who is Homura? Why?’ Your hands start shaking badly, pulse thundering in your ears.

You felt light headed from the brutish words the Kamo clan head was saying, and silently retreated, not wanting to hear Noritoshi's response to his father. Keeping your presence and cursed energy hidden and as minuscule as possible while you walked back to your dorm room.

Because you had left you didn't hear the remainder of the conversation.

"Father, I respect that the older clan heads had several wives and concubines. And I’ve told you time and time again that I’m not interested in Homura san. But I've decided to be loyal to my one true soulmate. I think I am falling in love with her as well, and can't bear to see her hurt. I won't be taking in any concubines." Noritoshi politely replied.

It was the first time he had spoken about his true feelings out loud and he felt vulnerable. He braced himself for any harsh words from his father but none came.

His father only raised an eyebrow. "Suit yourself. The fact is, even if she doesn't give birth to an heir with the inherited Blood Manipulation, she is more than enough of an additional asset to our clan. And it ties us together with the Abe/Tsuchimikado clan as you know."

Clan politics. Noritoshi is getting more and more sick of it every day, but he just silently nodded. As long as he has you and his mother by his side, nothing else matters. "Yes I understand father."

Noritoshi hated talking about his family with you, because of this exact reason. He didn’t want you to be disgusted by this side of their family and get pulled into their family problems. The worst thing would be for you to have a terrible first impression of the Kamo clan.

He understood that you already had a lot on your plate as your missions grew harder and harder. You were often assigned to grade 1 missions alone already. The worst case was for you to get roped into doing messy tasks to please the clan elders.

◇◇◇

You paced around your room, staring at the cupcakes and coffee on your desk. They were getting cold.

Cold. That's how you felt inside and out. You had to confront him. Or else your relationship will just drag you down. You definitely didn't want him to have any concubines. Didn’t want to have a partner who didn’t love you after all.

You were so lost in your emotions that you didn’t realize you were jumping to several conclusions on your own without considering Noritoshi's feelings for you properly.

'But it was starting to make sense' Your mind was screaming at yourself. 'He never explicitly confessed his feelings. He does indeed give me mixed signals from time to time. He shuts me out of private matters to him. He could be using me.’

The one question that was breaking you apart now is: "Was everything a lie? How much of his actions were sincere? He could lie about anything. To get power, that's something the big 3 clans are capable of doing. Satoru told me of some of the horrors already…"

The doubt and feelings of betrayal piled up, until you came to one conclusion: You’ve had enough.

◇◇◇

The next day, you suppressed all your emotions and distracted yourself. You tried your best to act normal around Noritoshi, smiling brightly at him.

It wasn't too effective. Everytime he called you his angel, instead of the delight you usually feel, you felt hurt thinking he was forcing himself to do this.

This can't go on forever. And eventually Noritoshi could start to feel the pain in your heart on his end as well. He hurried to you one afternoon after class, dragging you out to the plum tree away from the buildings.

You looked up at Noritoshi. As handsome as ever. Gentle and concerned (lies), with a strong hand reaching to cup your face (lies lies), speaking so carefully, "My angel, how are you? Why are you troubled? Have I done something to offend you?" (Lies, it was all lies).

He must be lying. Must have been since day 1. The way your brain just jumped to the most terrible scenarios in which he never liked you. There's no other reason. Your breathing quickened.

Both of you were still in the first stage of the soulmate bonding; therefore, you couldn’t share all emotions yet. Just urgent and strong random flashes of it, especially negative emotions. This is why both of you weren’t able to feel the love the other has through the bond yet.

You stopped smiling.

"I overheard your conversation with your father. I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but I had a present for you that I wanted to give you yesterday, so I waited outside your room. But that doesn't really matter anymore." You said, cooly shrugging off the hand on your face.

He stiffened, whole body tensing. 'No it was going so well with you, this can't be happening.' He thought to himself.

"Y/n I can explain-"

"Did you even feel anything for me? Besides our red string of Fate appearing?"

The marks on your wrists flowed in warning, searing hot pain flashed across both of you. But you ignored it. The devil on your shoulder pushing you to break things with him.

"Tell me the words you and your father spoke about yesterday were a lie." You begged him.

He couldn't say it was, because the conversation yesterday was only filled with truths. He was so confused, so he stayed silent.

You laughed at him without any real meaning or humor. The light had gone out of your eyes. Noritoshi felt himself shiver at the sound of it.

"So it was all true. Did you like me for me? Or because I'm your so-called soulmate whom you forced yourself to “love”- pshhh not even love, probably to tolerate, for the sake of power?"

Noritoshi’s head felt unfocused and his palms were sweating.

“I’m just a fucking game to you huh Kamo?!” You were freely crying now. He winced at the use of his family name.

Noritoshi found that he couldn’t breathe properly, much less reply to you. He had never seen you like this. What’s worse is your intense fear, sorrow, and disgust towards him was radiating so strongly through your bond.

“No you’re not.” He could hardly get the words out with how hard he’s breathing. It actually felt like the red strings were tying themselves around his neck. You scoffed at him unbelievingly.

He trembled as he lifted both hands to cup your face, but you stepped out of his reach. His hands dropped.

"You liar. I don't want this. If you just want to use me for my body, and to use me for your gain and for your family's benefit only to toss me aside for other women, then I don't want it." You spoke hoarsely. Your entire body was stiff, hands cold and voice quivering.

Your bond was hanging by a thread. The emotions of pain and betrayal bleeding over and muddling the delicate bond.

"I'm out. Go find some other bitch to breed for your sake of your precious heirs. I don't care if we are a fated pair. If you don't wanna put even an ounce of trust and honesty into our relationship then just fuck off." You turned around and walked away.

"Wait, no I-" Noritoshi gasped out as he snapped out of his shock, but you didn't turn back. You walked faster trying to ignore the voice you loved hearing so much.

Even if it hurts to break apart from him now, it is better than to have your heart broken again and again by staying with him.

"Y/n I do care about you. I do think of you everyday. You’re not a game to me. Didn't you hear what I said yesterday?" He called out desperately, stepping forward.

You ignored him, digging your nails into the palms of your hands at the pain from your soulbond falling apart. 'I won't be fooled any longer'.

Your bond was screaming at you to turn around and believe him. To believe that everything you've felt with him these past few weeks were real. That he truly loved you.

"Listen to me!" Noritoshi cried out.

You halted in your tracks. "I'm nothing to you. If you want to have other women as your concubines, go ahead. I know you can pick up as many women as you want with your standing. You clearly don’t need me. So I don't need you." Your last 4 words are a harsh slap to his face.

Snap. And your bond was left barely hanging with the smallest red thread that stubbornly refused to let go. But the damage was done. He couldn't feel your emotions anymore as his head filled with white noise.

Panic overcame Noritoshi like never before. This wasn’t like his normal self. He didn’t let himself think about anything else, but to run and pull you back in his arms.

Until he was physically stopped by an invisible barrier. Your solid air barrier that blocks all sound and forms of matter on the other side, keeping him away from you.

“No, no, no, no. Y/n Come back! I’m sorry! Speak to me!” He cried, furiously pounding at the invisible wall between the both of you. But you couldn’t hear him, much less know how he is feeling. After all, you’ve ended it with him already.

After you left, he remained rooted to his spot. His forehead leaning against the barrier, tears streaming down his face, as he stared at the place where he saw your figure disappear. It wasn't long ago that he had just fallen in love with you.

Your warmth, your laughter, the touches you give to him. Now everything felt so cold. "But I need you." He whispered out, sounding so broken.

The last few wilted leaves of the plum tree fell, leaving it bare to the cold winter. He remembered the words in the soulmate records of the Gojo Clan. “A soulbond can be rejected.”

Maybe he should have told you everything from the beginning and not hold back any secrets. He was terrified that your opinion of him would change, if you found out about his background and his mother. So he wanted to slowly ease you into the Kamo clan.

This was the worst.

As the sky grew dark, he went back into his room and for the first time, didn't bother studying. Just went straight to sleep.

What he wouldn't give to feel anything from your end. Even if it was anger or hatred, it would be better than this empty feeling.

Author's Notes: This chapter was the first chapter I've written before all others and is how Blood Bound came to be. You could say this is the core of the story, since it's the origin. Just had an angsty afternoon one day and chose violence🥰🤧

Blood Bound: Table of Contents

#kamo noritoshi #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen imagines #jjk fanfiction #noritoshi x reader #noritoshi x o/c #noritoshi x y/n #jjk x reader #jjk x o/c #jjk x you #angst #fluff #blood bound #jjk angst #blackened bond

[arvandus]

Touch (pt 9) - Amity

PAIRING: Dabi x Fem!Reader

STORY WARNINGS: 18+ only please!  Drug abuse/withdrawal, adult language/themes, heavy angst, past trauma/abuse, anxiety/panic attacks, PTSD, fluff, pining, slow burn, eventual emotional SMUT. *please pay attention to the chapter tags as these warnings will apply at different times*

CHAPTER WARNINGS: talk of killing, blood, needle/medical sewing; pining... lots of resistant pining.  Typical sensory overload due to quirk use.

CHAPTER SONG: Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish

Part 1   Part 8

Artwork credit to @hellowon31 on Twitter (https://twitter.com/hellowon31)

Part 9: Amity

Between your second night in a row of poor sleep and waking up incredibly early, it didn’t take long for exhaustion to find you again.  By mid-day your sensory overload had subsided enough that you collapsed into your bed, dreamless sleep dragging you under instantly.  It was short-lived, however; it felt like no sooner had your head hit the pillow, that a knock on your door roused you groggily from your slumber.

Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you stood up and answered the door to see Toga standing in front of you, a bloodied washcloth held to her temple.

“Oh my god, what happened to you??” you exclaimed, as you let her into your room.

“I was out running some errands and a thug tried to jump me in an alleyway.” Toga replied cheerfully. She halted in her tracks.  “Oh… aren’t you still sick with the flu?”  She instantly covered her mouth and nose with her free hand, taking a step back.

“Huh? Oh!” you exclaimed. Right.  Crap. You forgot about that little white lie.  “Sorry, hang on a sec.”  You quickly went to your medical bag and pulled out a white disposable mask, placing it over your face.  “Is that better?” You asked, your voice muffled.

The tension in Toga’s shoulders instantly left, her posture easing as her hand dropped away from her face. “Yeah, thanks.  Are you feeling okay?  I could try to do this myself this time…”

You balked at the thought of Toga treating her own injuries.

“I’m fine right now, I promise.” You replied. 

The blonde shrugged and fully entered your space, although her folded hands in front of her body communicated she didn’t want to touch anything.

“So, a guy jumped you in an alley?” You asked.

“Yeah.  He was big, too.  And had a quirk that gave him extra reach on his arms.”  Toga explained.

You weren’t quite sure what sort of errands required Toga to be in alleyways, but you had a feeling none of them were good. The curiosity pulled at you - you could feel the question on your lips, but you swallowed it down.  When you had first joined the League, you and Shigaraki had discussed the importance of compartmentalizing your role from the others.  You were the only one out of the group who was defenseless after all, so as the weakest link within the League, you had both decided it would be best if you knew as little of the League’s affairs as possible, in case you ever got captured and questioned.  You were allowed to participate in general discussions regarding the League’s next moves and what areas were important to you that you wanted to focus on, but the nitty gritty details were kept separate: private meetings with other villains, locations, times, that sort of thing.  So, despite your curiosity, you knew not to pry.

Instead, you asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she replied, “but I can’t get this to stop bleeding.”

“Let’s take a look.” You gingerly removed the cloth from the wound to see a deep gash in the skin before new blood filled up. You placed the washcloth back over the wound before it could spill over.  “Hm. Better keep that on there.  You’re going to need stitches.”

“I figured.” She grinned. She took over holding the cloth to her head while you grabbed your medical bag.  You escorted her into your bathroom and had her sit on the toilet seat. Her outfit was speckled with blood, some of it from her wound, and, you suspected, some of it not.

“So…” you started, as you washed your hands in the sink. “What happened to the thug?”

“I drained him.” She replied cheerfully.  The casualness of her statement filled you with a confusing mixture of fear and pity.

“You killed him?” you asked, as you prepped your needle and thread.

Toga looked at you with her yellow feline-like eyes.  “He would have killed me if I didn’t.”

“Tilt your head back.” You instructed.  Toga did as you said, and you carefully removed the cloth before placing your fingers over her open wound. She winced slightly at the contact, but quickly relaxed as your quirk soaked in. 

Silence filled the room as you cleaned her wound with antiseptic and set to work.  The heavy quiet dragged on as your mind mulled over the girl next to you.  You had a thousand questions in your mind, but none of them seemed very appropriate to ask, not without upsetting her.  And despite your good standing with the League, you made it a careful point not to get on anyone’s bad side.  It wasn’t so much that you didn’t trust them, although a part of you was always wary around those who were willing to commit violence.  But you also understood on a personal level that the problems these villains had went far deeper than society was willing to acknowledge.  Mental illness, quirkology, environment… all of it played a role in dealing the hand that these outcast individuals had been dealt.

Minutes passed as you stitched up the cut and cleaned the blood from the sealed wound once more. You were washing your hands when Toga finally spoke, her voice soft.  “Are you mad at me?”

You paused to look down at her.  Her brow was furrowed, her mouth pulled into a sulky frown as she stared at her hands. She looked like a child waiting to be scolded, and in that moment, you could see how young she still was.  You gave a soft sigh.  “Of course not.  He attacked you, right? You had to defend yourself.”

You paused then followed up with, “I’m sorry you had to do it.”

“Don’t be…” she replied. “I liked killing him.”

Your hands faltered as you began putting away your supplies and Toga noticed. 

“You don’t like it, do you?” she asked, accusation lacing her voice. She was defensive, waiting for your judgement. 

You couldn’t blame her. No doubt her quirk was something she likely struggled with all of her life before finally giving in to it.  She had never given you her story directly, but it wasn’t hard to guess.  Everything about her – from her ramblings to her actions - spoke of a caged animal who finally got a taste of freedom and refused to be captured.

Contradicting feelings warred within you, and you struggled to wrangle them.  You had to admit, you hated the idea of her killing.  More importantly, you knew that her victims weren’t always street thugs, villains, or corrupted heroes.  But at the same time, despite this uncomfortable fact, you also understood how strongly quirks affected behavior, how it could act like a poison, messing with the mind and forcing its way into being expressed.  It wasn’t the first time you’d seen it; you understood it intimately.

You looked down at her and a familiar sense of pity unfurled in your gut, snaking into your veins, pulling at your emotions even as your core roiled at the idea of needless violence. She was just like him... a victim in her own way, despite the horrific things she did.

“You think I’m a monster.” Her words cut through your thoughts, and your attention refocused on her. She had her knees hugged up to her chest, her feet propped on the closed toilet lid that she occupied.  You mentally scolded yourself for abandoning her as you got lost in your head and crouched down next to her.

“No.  I don’t think you’re a monster.” You answered soothingly.

“Then why do you look scared of me?” Toga demanded. 

You gave her a smile that you hoped reached your eyes. She was more perceptive than you gave her credit for sometimes.  You had to choose your words carefully. 

“I’m not scared of you.” You explained.  “ But I am a healer, Toga. I see someone who’s hurt, and I want to take that pain away.  It’s what my quirk is. It’s a part of who I am and it’s what motivates me. So, I won’t deny that it’s hard for me sometimes to understand why you do what you do because it’s so opposite of how I am.”

Toga averted her eyes, her body tightening in on itself.

“But…” you continued as you placed a hand on her forearm, “I’m not scared of you.  And even though you do monstrous things, I don’t think you’re a monster.”

Toga slowly lowered her knees, letting her feet touch the floor as she stared at you.  “Why not?” she asked.

“Because,” you replied, “You still care about people.  You and Twice were the first to welcome and befriend me when I joined the League. And the way you take care of Twice… like he’s your big brother… that counts for something.  You even care about Dabi, even though he’s an ass. That was why you checked on him that night, right?  You treat each of us like family.  Now why would a monster do that?”

“But I still want to cut you guys all the time…” she confessed.

“I know.  But you don’t.  That should count for something.”

Toga smiled at you with teary eyes.  “You’re so nice, big sis.”  Her compliment made you smile. 

Toga hopped of the toilet with a nimble bounce, signaling the end of the conversation.  “Am I all done?”

You nodded.  “You’re free to go.” You announced.  Toga made her way to your bedroom door, but she halted when you called her name.  “Toga… don’t forget to change your clothes.”

Toga looked down at the bloodstains splattered across her school uniform.  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.  Thanks, big sis!”

She left your room with a jovial wave.  As soon as the door closed behind her, you slumped down onto your bed as you removed the white mask from your face and placed it on your nightstand.  Exhaustion washed over you again, deeper this time than it was before.  It wasn’t even so much due to your quirk since you didn’t have to use very much of it this time.  Instead, your mind focused on Toga, replaying the conversation.  It filled you with a swath of competing emotions; pity, anger, frustration, helplessness, fear.  The feelings swirled in you making a rank stew in your soul, old and familiar.

This was just like before.

You shoved the feelings aside, unwilling to look too closely at them. You already had enough on your plate as it was… you didn’t want to dredge up more of the past.  It would only add more stress and it wouldn’t change anything.

You laid down again in the hopes that this time, finally, your sleep would be nightmare free and uninterrupted.

 * * * * *

The withdrawal-induced restlessness Dabi felt lasted throughout the day, making sleep near impossible.  To keep himself from going crazy, he forced his energy into cleaning up his space, despite his typical disdain for chores.  He straightened up his desk, took out the trash, and most importantly, did his laundry. It was overflowing and stank of mildew, and he was in desperate need of clean towels.  His bed was no better, reeking of sweat and infection and covered in chip crumbs. But while his body appreciated the movement, the lack of mental power the activities required did little to distract from intrusive, obsessive thoughts.

He wasn’t sure which thoughts he wanted to avoid more - thoughts of his family or thoughts of you.  The memories of family were old and familiar, but the emotions in them were raw, threatening to suck him in and shred him to pieces like it’d already done so many times before.  But thoughts of you weren’t much better, at least not to Dabi. He didn’t like the warmth he felt each time he thought of you, and yet he kept going back to that feeling, like opening the fridge to stare at that last piece of cake.  He was at war with himself, and he didn’t know how to fight it.

Somehow, with all of his coming and going from his room, he somehow managed to never run into you. He wasn’t entirely sure if that was a good thing or not, but like all other uncomfortable thoughts, his forced himself not to focus on it.  It shouldn’t be important.  You shouldn’t be important.  His mouth pressed into a thin line.  The number of times he had to tell himself that were becoming too many to count, and it never did seem to make much difference.  

The cleaning only occupied him for so long.  Towards the end of it he found himself sitting in his room, waiting for his clothes to finish drying so he could retrieve them.  He had laid back on his bed just for a moment, to stare at his phone. He woke up an hour and a half later, his mind muddled with jumbled dreams and memories.  Cigarette smoke, a child’s laughter, the sound of himself screaming in agony…

He shook his head to knock the unwanted fog from his brain and grabbed a smoke to soothe the shaking in his hands.  The cigarette was gone within a minute.  The haze still lingered though as every inch of Dabi’s nerves hummed and his gut clenched in discomfort.  So, he inhaled a second cigarette for good measure and followed it up with an electrolyte drink paired with a couple of antacids.  His laundry was likely done now; no point in letting it sit there and risk another League member touching his things.

With the laundry dry and sitting on his bed in a crumpled heap, he stared at the contents, a frown on his face.  Your towels were mingled with his, and the sight of it filled him with an uneasiness that had little to do with his withdrawal.  It looked entirely alien to him, intrusive in his personal space.  His stomach gave a weird flutter before giving way to a wave of nausea.

Stupid, he thought to himself.  They’re just fucking towels.

He began folding the first towel. It was half-assed in its effort and one hundred percent intentional, as if giving careful care to your items would give away something about himself he wanted to keep secret.  But even as he did so, intrusive curiosity crept into his mind.  How did you fold your towels?

Idiot.  He caught his wandering mind and reeled it back in forcefully, but it did little good. His mind was a master escape artist, running away to explore other unwanted thoughts without his permission as soon as his mental back was turned.

As he folded your items, his hands slowed slightly in their actions, taking in the feel of cotton on his fingers. He watched as he rolled the soft material between his thumb and forefinger while memories bubbled forth, broken and vague.  Waking up in the shower, sitting on the toilet with your towel over his head, feeling of your hands working the cotton over his wet hair. He tried not to think of your face, but of course not wanting it made it appear in his mind.  He remembered your eyes, the concern in them, and the memory filled him with a warmth that he was still struggling to understand, even as he tried to deny its presence. 

It was short-lived – the memory of your tender gaze soon faded away to a terrified one, and now he was remembering your scar.  A new thought came into his mind then, dark and plaguing. The look of fear you’d given him that night - did you wear that same frightened expression on your face when you were burned, marked by whatever asshole laid their hands on you?

Dabi could feel his body temperature begin to rise.

The last towel was folded, and he swiftly grabbed the pile and shoved it on top of his dresser as if were contaminated.  Contaminated with memories, contaminated with you…

He faltered for a moment, his anger disrupted by that strange sense of guilt that gnawed at him.  The unwelcome mental picture of you cowering in fear as flames licked your skin danced in his imagination.  No wonder you had been so utterly terrified of him that night. No wonder you’d been unable to look him in the eyes the next day…

Dabi caught himself staring at your things and forced himself to turn around to finish his laundry. He folded his clothes swiftly, not caring whether or not they were done nicely before shoving them into the dresser drawer. Then, with his clean towels in his arm, he went into the bathroom to give himself that much-needed shower.

 * * * * *

You woke up feeling groggier than usual as the orange-red glow of the late afternoon haze filtered into your room. As predicted, your sleep was restless and riddled with hazy uncomfortable dreams that instantly began to fade away as soon as you opened your eyes.  You sighed in annoyance as dissatisfaction slinked across your tired skin. It was as if you had slept the entire time with your body tensed, ready to run at a moment’s notice, and now you were feeling the effects. 

You got out of bed with a stretch to ease the stiffness in your muscles.  Maybe something to eat and drink could lift your spirits and wake your body up.  You slipped on your shoes and opened the door before remembering to grab your mask off of your nightstand.  Then, you left your room to trudge downstairs.

The smell of pizza greeted you as soon as you stepped out onto the main floor, and your stomach growled in response, your mouth watering.

“Y/N!” Toga cheered. “Did you take a nap?”

You frowned as your hand self-consciously went to your messy hair. Was it really that obvious?

“Yeah, I was pretty tired.” You confessed, as you tried to fix your stray strands.

“Are you feeling any better?” Magne asked.  You could tell she was asking about the ‘flu’ you were supposed to have.

You shrugged. “Yeah, a little…”

“And how about Dabi? You were treating him too, right?” Magne continued.

You felt embarrassment bubble in you, and you scratched at your cheek as a distraction.  “He’s doing okay… I think it’s hitting him harder, though. He’s probably going to need some more time to recover.”

“He came down here yesterday without a mask and everything.” Spinner grumbled. “Then decided to take a stroll.  He couldn’t be that bad, could he?”

You shrugged. “Stomach bugs are weird and vary from person to person.”

Shigaraki’s voice surprised you from behind.  “How’s his burn?”

He knew about that…?  Maybe Dabi said something the day before.  Either way, no point in lying about it now…

“It’s doing well... but it’s not completely healed yet.”

Shigaraki grunted and grabbed a slice of pizza from the open box sitting on the bar.

“Hey, Y/N!  You want some pizza?” Twice offered.

“Yes, that’d be-“

“She can’t eat pizza when she has the flu!” Toga scolded.  “She might throw it up.  She needs something simple!”

Your heart sank.  No pizza??

“No, it’s okay…” you started, your eyes staring at the perfect slice.

“I’ll go make you something, okay big sis?” Toga chirped as she bounded lightly towards the small kitchen behind the bar.

Oh… oh no….

“Oh, um… it’s okay Toga, I’m not really hungry…” you tried to call after her, but she was already gone and out of earshot.

You fiddled with your hands nervously.  Cooking was not one of Toga’s strong suits.  Fortunately, Kurogiri was present, watching the exchange.

“I’ll make sure she doesn’t burn down the kitchen.” He commented, as he followed after her.

You stood there awkwardly, strongly contemplating grabbing the entire pizza box and running away with it. But you’d just had that personal exchange with Toga earlier, so abandoning her when she was trying to do something nice for you probably wouldn’t go over well.

Damn it.  You were too nice for your own good sometimes.

On defeated feet, you walked over to the couch and sat down next to Compress who was reading a book. He put the item down as you sat next to him and gave you a smile.  “How nice of you to grace me with your company, little flower.”

You crossed your arms and sulked into the couch cushions, wishing they would swallow you up.  “Toga is cooking for me.”

“Oh dear, so I heard.” He commented.  “However, Kurogiri is supervising her.  Perhaps this time it won’t be so bad.”

“Kurogiri doesn’t eat.” You pointed out.

“True,” he laughed. “But perhaps you set your standards too high.  I never said he’d ensure that the food is good; however, his assistance may ensure that it is edible.”

“Don’t you use logic on me, Mr.” you replied, even as you tried to suppress a smile.

“Then perhaps a magic trick then?” he offered.  “As a distraction.”

“Sure.” You grinned.

A few minutes later, Toga came out with two steaming bowls sitting on a rectangular tray.

“Oh good! You’re still here!” Toga smiled.  “I made you soup!”

You stifled a groan as you stood up and stared at the contents.  It… didn’t look bad…. It looked like it was canned soup at least, which, all things considered, were one of the simplest things to make. Still, it had that a slight burned odor to it when the steam reached your nose.

“Why are there two bowls?” you asked.

“Oh!  One’s for you and one’s for Dabi.”  Toga explained.  Behind her, Magne chuckled at the table.  “He hasn’t come down to eat yet today so he’s probably hungry.”

“It was my suggestion.” Kurogiri stated.  “You are still sick after all, so it would be in the League’s interest if you and Dabi had your meals in your rooms until you are no longer contagious.”

“Maybe it can be like a little dinner date!” Toga added.

You fought the flush of hot heat that seemed to take over your insides.  “A what?”

The last thing you needed was the League thinking you and Dabi were dating.

The blonde girl giggled as she handed you the tray.  Her hands instantly went up to her hot cheeks, her eyes glazed over with infatuation. “What I wouldn’t give to have a private dinner date with Izuku!”

“Oh geez, not this again…” Spinner grumbled.

“Hey!” Toga shot at him.  “It’s rude to tease a girl in love!”

You were grateful that Toga was easily distracted, and you took the opportunity to make your escape. “O-Okay. I guess I’ll go take this upstairs then… Thank you, Toga.” You mumbled.

You walked out of the room quickly, the soup sloshing in the bowls and threatening to spill.  But you wanted to get out of there before things got even more awkward.  Toga wasn’t even the real concern – the real concern was Magne.  Her chuckle had not gone unnoticed by you, and she was a master conversationalist when she wanted to be.  The last thing you needed was more intrusive questions or implied statements, especially with everyone there to listen in.

You took the stairs instead of the elevator, not trusting the old rust bucket to run smooth enough with bowls of hot soup in front of you.

Dinner date.  You wanted to laugh.  Dabi certainly wasn’t the type to do dinner dates.  In fact, Dabi probably didn’t even date. He probably just hooked up with random girls whenever he felt like it.

Your stomach tightened into an uncomfortable knot.

It didn’t matter.  You weren’t his type anyway.  And he shouldn’t be yours, not with all of his baggage. And boy, did he seem to have a lot of baggage.  Besides, he didn’t need the pressure of someone pining over him while he struggled to keep himself together.  He needed someone he could trust.  He needed a friend.

You felt yourself start to calm as you centered yourself on that single fact.  He needed a friend. You could do that.  You’d already committed yourself to it.

You made it to your own room and set the tray on the floor outside your door so you could go in and grab your medical bag.  If you were going to take soup to Dabi, then you might as well treat his wounds and give him his pills.  It was about time for it anyway.  With your bag slung onto your shoulder and the tray once again in your hand, you went over to his door and knocked.

It opened and you froze, eyes wide, as a warm humid air wrapped you up in the scent of shampoo and body wash.

Dabi stood before you in nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants that left little to the imagination.  Shit. It hadn’t even been a full five seconds and you were already staring at his crotch.  Hot embarrassment flooded you as you averted your eyes, only to get stuck on his glistening, bare form.  You’d seen him shirtless many times, had your hands on his body, even… but something about this moment was different.  Maybe it was the shower.  Maybe it was the simple - yet absolutely sinful - sweatpants.  Or maybe it was how he seemed to be carrying himself in this moment, like he was the king of his domain.  He was a living art piece, every angle of him stunning from the slope of his shoulders to the cut of his lean waist. Even his stitches looked beautiful, the light bouncing off of them like gems.  Whatever it was, Dabi seemed to be a thousand times hotter than you remember him being, and it left your brain feeling dumb as hot desire washed over you.

You were staring.  You knew you were staring but you couldn’t break the trance he seemed to put you in. Your eyes took in the cut of his cheekbones, the slope of his nose, the shape of his lips.   Aqua blue eyes stared at you in knowing amusement, grabbing you like the tide and pulling you in.  You could feel yourself floundering beneath his intense gaze as you struggled to get a hold of yourself.

“Uh…” you stuttered.

You were still staring.

“Hey, Doll­…” He greeted, a playful grin on his lips.  His voice washed over you, and you felt lightheaded.

This was so embarrassing.  If he had any doubts that you found him attractive before, then he certainly didn’t now.

“Hi.” You said dumbly.

His eyes broke contact with yours to look down.  “Hey-” His hand shot out to quickly grab the tilting tray, soup splashing messily over the sides of the bowls.

“Shit! Sorry, sorry.” You cursed, as you adjusted your hold. You kept your eyes down, unable to stare at him any longer.  “Can I come in?”

“Yeah.” 

Was that a chuckle you heard in his voice?  How dare he.

You crossed the threshold, only to find yourself even more smothered by the clean scent of his recent shower that permeated the entire space like a fog.  Beneath it, the faint hint of cigarette smoke was present, but it was muted.  The light in the room was dimmer than you remembered and you realized why – he had put one of his shirts over his shoddy lamp, reducing its brightness.  The humid warmth in the room was paired with a strange heavy silence.  Your eyes instantly checked his window and there was no billow of the curtains this time, no street noise coming forth.  Your breath froze in your throat for a moment as you realized – he remembered.  All the things that had bothered you this morning were modified for your arrival.  A weightlessness swelled in your chest, intertwining with the attraction you were still grappling with.  You set the tray down with shaky hands before wiping your sweaty palms onto your pants.

Dabi came to stand next to you with his towel on his shoulder, the warm bare skin of his chest brushing against your arm as he stared down at the bowls.  With his proximity so close and your own emotions running amok, it took every ounce of mental fortitude not to hug him right then and there.

“Did you make that?” he asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Oh, uh.. Toga did.” You finally said, as you moved slightly away from his bare skin.

“We should have let the tray fall.”  He stated as he stared at the contents with distaste.  You couldn’t help but laugh at his comment, and it helped clear some of the brain fog.  He gave you a soft glare.  “Why did you even take this?  You should have just said no.”

“Well, not all of us can be as nice as you, Dabi.” You teased.  “Besides, she wanted to do something nice for us because she thinks we’re sick.”  You explained.

“If I eat that I probably will be.” He retorted.

“Oh, come on… it’s probably not that bad… just a little smokiness to it.  That shouldn’t bother you, right?” You put a spoon into a bowl and handed it to him.

He gave you a deadpan look as you held the bowl against his chest, his hands refusing to take it. “I’m not eating it.”

“Hey, if I have to eat this, then so do you.” You glared.

“Like hell.” He replied. “Besides, I already have food here.”

You set the bowl down and stared at the bags on his desk.  “Yes, chips, beef jerky, and cigarettes!  So healthy.”

“The three basic food groups.” He agreed with a grin. He sat down in his desk chair, his legs spread wide as he slouched back.  It took extra effort to not let your eyes wander.  “Tell ya what, doll… you try it first.  If you don’t throw up or die, then maybe I’ll consider eating mine.”

You rolled your eyes at him and grabbed your bowl.  “Fine, you big baby.” 

You filled your spoon and raised it to him in a mock toast before placing it into your mouth.  He watched the motion in silent amusement, his eyes focused on your lips as they closed around the spoon.

It was awful.  Definitely burnt.  And the parts that weren’t burnt were overcooked, making the textures all wrong in your mouth.  You swallowed forcefully, suppressing a gag.

“Mmm… You look like you enjoyed that.”  Dabi teased.

“Hey at least I’ve actually tried it.” You shot back.  “So, I guess that means only one of us is a little bitch.” 

Dabi’s eyes widened, the light in them dancing in amusement, as a grin spread across his face. “You kiss your mother with that mouth, doll?  You’ve been with the League too long.”

You pointed your spoon at him.  “Don’t try to act like you know me.  And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not dead.  So eat up.”  You picked up his bowl again and held it under his nose. By this point, you knew the soup wasn’t really that edible, but now you were determined to have him suffer with you.

The smell wafted up and he wrinkled his nose.  He pushed the bowl away back towards you.  “I don’t think so.”

You narrowed your eyes at him.  “You said you’d try it if I did.”

“I said I’d consider it.”  He replied. “It’s been considered and denied.”

“You’re an ass.” You pouted. “It really is awful though…” you confessed.  “and she had Kurogiri with her, too.  Like… how?”

“Kurogiri doesn’t eat.” Dabi replied.

You laughed.  “That’s what I told Compress!”

Your conversation was interrupted by a loud, hungry rumble in your gut.

A low chuckle rumbled from Dabi’s chest that made your heart pound and your flesh feel warm.  “C’mon doll, don’t torture yourself.” He said. “Why don’t we just go get a bite to eat. There’s nothing keeping us locked up in here.”

Toga’s words echoed in your head.  Dinner date.  Oh geez, if she or Magne saw you two leaving the premises together, you’d never hear the end of it.  The offer was tempting though, and you were pretty sure Dabi was starting to get tired of his snacks.  Junk food could only satisfy for so long; at some point he needed a proper meal.

But something nagged at you as you stared at the man in front of you.  He seemed to be doing okay at first glance… his recent shower certainly seemed to lift his spirits.  But you had been too distracted by his attractiveness earlier that you hadn’t taken the time to really assess him.  Now, you could see the exhaustion still in his face, could see the small wiggle of his leg and the drumming of his fingers on the table.   You checked the time on your phone – no doubt your quirk and the pills were beginning to wear off.  But how far along that was, you couldn’t really say; it was hard to tell with Dabi; he didn’t show his pain very easily.

You knew your appetite would disappear once you pushed yourself into sensory overload.  But Dabi couldn’t wait, even if he might try to play it off that he could.  More importantly, you didn’t want to try to deal with a withdrawal-suffering Dabi out in public. Your heart sank slightly. Goodbye delicious dinner, for the second time that night.

“…I should probably treat you first.” Your eyes landed on his bag of goods as your stomach rumbled again. “But maybe a snack would be good.” You confessed.  You felt embarrassed for asking, especially after the big show you’d just point on… but pride had to take a back seat before your stomach ate itself.

His blue eyes stared at you for a long moment.  You could feel your skin start to prickle under the weight of them.

“Sure, doll.”  He finally said.  He rummaged through one of the bags until he found what he was looking for under a bag of spicy chips.  “Is this your style?”

He tossed you a prepackaged muffin about the size of a softball.  You couldn’t fight the smile that blossomed across your face.  “Yeah, thanks.”  You opened up the wrapping and began breaking off pieces of it.  “You want some?” you offered, holding the muffin towards him.

He shook his head. “Nah.  Don’t feel much like eating.”

You broke off half of the muffin for him anyway.  “I still need to give you your pills, so you should eat something first.  Besides, this is too big for me to finish by myself anyway.” 

Was it a lie?  Of course. You were starving.  Did Dabi know that you were lying?  Of course.  But he took the other half of the muffin anyway.  You sat on the edge of his bed while he sat in his chair as the two of you ate together in silence for a moment. As you ate, your eyes wandered around his room.

That was when you noticed it.

 “Are those my towels?” you asked. 

Dabi looked over at his dresser as he stuffed the last of the muffin into his mouth.  “Yeah.  They’re clean now.”

“Thank you…” you replied. Your eyes scanned the room, taking in the details.  “You cleaned up…”

Dabi shrugged. “Don’t sound so surprised. I’m not a complete slob.”

You stared at him as he began fidgeting with a pack of cigarettes, tapping the box on the table, flipping it over, and tapping the other end.  Over and over it somersaulted, and you wondered if he was craving one right now.  Why didn’t he just take one out and light it up?

Was Dabi… being considerate?

Then again, the action didn’t come as much of a surprise to you as it might have before.  He’d been more willing to do small acts of kindness ever since the night of his withdrawal.  Bringing ramen.  Adjusting his room for your sensory overload.

Now this.

Was it fueled by guilt? Or did he actually care?

He looked like he was waiting for something.  You watched as he rubbed at his scarred arm with his free hand, irritation flashing across his eyes.  Of course. He was waiting for you and your quirk. You ate your muffin faster.  As soon as it had disappeared into your mouth, you reached for your bag and took out the pill bottle.  His eyes were on it instantly, the shaking in his leg stilled by the sight of it, his shoulders releasing some of their tension.

“Here.” You offered, handing him his pills.  He took them and swallowed them dry before opening up a beverage and taking a swig.

Dabi eyed the bottle in your hand as you closed it.  “That’s looking awfully low there, isn’t it?”

You put the container back in your bag, enclosing it in a zippered space.  “It’ll be enough to last us through tomorrow morning.”

“That’s cutting it real close, don’tcha think?” he replied.

You looked up to see his brow furrowed in concern and offered him a reassuring smile.  “It is.  But I’ll be picking up the refills tomorrow before our evening session, so there’s nothing to worry about.  Now let’s take a look at your back real quick.”

He stood up and dragged his chair over to where you sat and straddled the seat with his back facing you. The bandage was still on, but you could tell it had gotten wet in the shower.  You’d have to be careful when changing it this time, since the bits of skin that were starting to heal might reopen.

You applied your quirk first around the bandages, then began to delicately remove the wet gauze and tape. Your fingers were cold on Dabi’s skin and a small shiver ran up his spine at the sensation of your touch.  The wound didn’t show any signs of infection or fresh damage, so you continued business as usual, applying the antiseptic followed by fresh gauze.  As you patched him up, your eyes kept drifting to your towels, thinking about what had happened that night.  There was something important you’d been meaning to ask him.  Something you had to know.

“I… have a question.” You ventured.

“Hm?” Dabi responded, his head turning slightly to the sound of your voice.

“The next day… after I helped you out that one night… was there anything… off?  About you specifically?” you asked.

There was a long pause and you could tell Dabi was thinking heavily, which only made the dread in your gut sink in deeper.

“I couldn’t feel anything.” He finally admitted. 

“I’m not talking about the pain.  I’m talking about… I don’t know.  Anything else.”

“I know.” He replied. “When I woke up, I couldn’t feel anything.”

Your brow furrowed and the dread hardened into a stone.  “…what does that mean?”

“It means I didn’t care about a thing, doll.  Everything was turned off.” He was facing away from you and in that moment, you wished he wasn’t – you desperately wanted to see the expression on his face.  Your hands felt clammy as you processed his words.

“You mean your emotions?” you clarified.  You needed to understand more.  You needed to know how bad it was.  “What… did it feel like?”

“Empty.”

You finished putting the last bandage on him but you barely noticed as your vision became unfocused, your thoughts whirling.  Holy shit. You had turned off his emotions?  You supposed in hindsight it made sense, since it was likely his memories and the emotions attached to them that were torturing him that night.  Why else would he have been blabbering incoherent apologies as if he were desperately trying to atone for something? But still… the severity of that made your blood run cold. Emotions were everything, contrary to what some people might think. They fuel how people think, how they act, how they react… entire personalities – entire identities are built around how emotions are felt and how they are dealt with.  You very well could have entirely erased Dabi as a person. In fact, you likely did, at least temporarily.

You swallowed the hard lump in your throat and tried to calm your panicked breathing.  “…How long did it last?”

He was quiet again, and the silence was worse than anything.

“Please tell me.” You begged.  “How long?”

“Hours.”

Your heart was racing and your ears ringing.  Your eyes began to sting but you fought it, focusing on a patch of scarred flesh on his back to distract yourself, memorizing its pattern.  You didn’t want to cry in front of him. Not again.  And certainly not twice in one day.  You wanted to apologize, to beg his forgiveness, but you couldn’t make the words come out, not without your emotions spilling out with them.  Instead, you forced yourself into action, treating his scars with your quirk. 

There was so much more you wanted to know. How did he get his emotions back?  What did it feel like? Was it slow, or at all at once? Did he feel relieved?

Did it hurt?

But you couldn’t bring yourself to ask those questions, no matter how badly you wanted to know, no matter how badly you wanted to understand.  They were too personal, and you could already tell by Dabi’s growing reluctance that he didn’t want to talk about it any further.

You’d apologize to him. At some point, once your emotions were under control, you’d apologize.

You finished numbing his back and shoulders, even tracing down his triceps a little.  “Turn around,” you instructed.

He did as you asked, adjusting himself in the chair so he was now facing you.  You avoided looking at him, the shame and guilt far too heavy for you to lift your eyes.  Unbeknownst to you, a frown pulled at his brow, his lips.  You wore your emotions so plainly…

You took his hand in yours and continued your quirk as your skin began to prickle and sting. The sound of the shower dripping in the bathroom was louder now. Dabi shifted slightly in his chair and the scraping sound against the floor was like nails on a chalkboard.  The odors in the room went from pleasant to offensive.

“I gotta question for ya,” Dabi suddenly ventured.  “Did you change my clothes that night?”

Your hands faltered and you glanced up at his face before you could catch yourself.  His eyes had a glint in them you couldn’t quite place in your distracted mental state.  You felt embarrassment creep across your skin.

“I did.  I had to get you into the shower before you combusted.” You replied as you continued to treat him, your hands on his collarbone. The feel of it was so familiar now…

“I was naked?”

“Only for a moment!” you replied.  “You were in your boxers for most of it, but I had to change you out of those after the shower.” God, this entire conversation was so embarrassing… why did he have to ask about this of all things?

“…did ya peek?” he asked.

Your mouth struggled like a fish out of water for a moment as you glared at him.  “NO!” You finally exclaimed.  “Of course, I didn’t!  Why would you even…”  but then you saw the grin on his face and you realized he was teasing you. 

You playfully punched his arm.  “You’re an asshole.” You fumed.

He laughed.  “That didn’t even hurt.” He mocked.

“Of course it didn’t, idiot. I already used my quirk there.” You shot back.  “Now stay still so I can get your damn face.”

“So feisty…” he murmured.

Shit.  With your senses heightened, you could almost feel the vibration in his voice, as if he were closer to you than he actually was. For the briefest moment, it distracted you from the growing pain of your scar, from the sound of the drip drip from the bathroom shower.  You wondered what it would feel like to have those words uttered against your skin, his hot breath warming your flesh, the feel of his rough lower lip brushing…

You clenched your jaw until you nearly gave yourself a headache, forcing the intrusive thoughts out of your mind.  You weren’t here for this.  You were here to treat him and get out of his space.  You weren’t his type.  You repeated it to yourself like a mantra, a prayer, a reminder to the illogical part of you that wanted to follow the lure of his voice.  Why did he have to be such a flirt?  It didn’t surprise you, but it certainly left you feeling confused when his actions and words sometimes contradicted themselves.

All it meant was that he was getting comfortable with you again. He was treating you like a friend, and friends teased all the time.  Right?

His eyes watched you closely as your hands caressed his jaw, relieving the ache there.  You seemed lost in your thoughts and while you certainly didn’t look comfortable, you also didn’t look too be too horribly in pain. You were doing better today.  Still, your fingers danced quickly across his skin, skating under his eyes which he instinctively closed, and barely touching his lower lip.  It happened far too quickly before the presence of you disappeared, and it left him feeling empty.  How badly he wanted to grab your hands right then and put them back onto his face. 

When he opened his eyes again, your own eyes were downcast as you stretched your fingers slightly.

“You okay?” he ventured. The question sounded odd coming from him, even to his own ears.

You looked up at him then, and you could see he was concerned. That’s right… he knew about your quirk and your scar now.  You clasped your hands in your lap to keep them from shaking.  Shaking from the pain you were feeling, shaking from the fear of your own thoughts and desires.

“I’m fine.” You lied. Did he know you were lying with this too?

He knew.  In fact, you’d given him the same false words he always gave you.  It was like looking into a mirror.

“You don’t gotta do the legs.” He offered.  “I’m not dressed for it anyway.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” You chided.  “Of course I’m going to do your legs.  The better I treat you, the better you can rest.  And your body needs rest to heal your burn.”

He noticed that you made no comment on his withdrawal, which a part of him appreciated; it helped him avoid the discomfort of shame that was always associated with it. Still…

“It’s not like I’m going anywhere, doll.  I won’t be needing them.  Besides, the drugs help.” He replied.

You eyed him for a moment, assessing.  “How about I just do your calves then?” you bartered.

He assessed you in return before he gave a small half-smirk.  “Deal.”

By the time you’d treated his calves down to the tops of his feet, you were definitely grateful you didn’t have to do any more.

PING……..PING……

You rubbed at the bridge of your nose, feeling the onset of a headache as you skirted just shy of overload. You closed your eyes, hoping maybe the lack of visual stimulation might make the auditory more bearable.  Or at least bearable enough that you could actually move your body instead of feeling frozen.  But it only made it worse, allowing your brain to hyperfixate on it. You covered your ears against it as you struggled to find your way out of it, to regain control of yourself.

While you lost yourself in your senses, Dabi watched you in displeasure.  He’d made sure to have everything ready before you showed up.  He even made sure not to light up a cigarette, as much as that had grated on him, since he knew the smell would linger long after. But clearly, something was bothering you.  What had he missed?

He watched, waiting, giving you time to figure yourself out or ask for help while he secretly tried to decode the mystery.  Your eyes were closed, your hands over your ears.  Was it multiple sensory attacks?  You flinched again.  And again. There was a rhythm.  So, it was something you were hearing.

Curiously, Dabi closed his own eyes listening for anything that stood out.  Slowly, the quiet sound of water dripping greeted his ears like a whisper.  He opened his eyes just in time to see your flinch match with the sound.

That was it.

“It’s the shower.” He commented. 

It wasn’t a question – it was a statement.  You opened your eyes and looked at him with surprise before giving a nod, your hands still over your ears.  He knew his shower leaked for a bit after he used it, but he’d gotten so used to it that he just tuned out the sound by this point.  But for you… especially after using your quirk on him…

Why didn’t you just get up and leave?  Why stay here if it was bothering you this much?  Obviously, you wanted to get away from it…

Maybe you couldn’t.  Maybe, for some reason, you were stuck in what you were experiencing, unable to find your way out.

Dabi could relate to that.

And he didn’t like it.

He stood up and closed the bathroom door before returning to sit in the chair in front of you, waiting.

You could still hear it. But it was manageable now, muffled. Quieter.  You could feel yourself start to process the rest of what you were feeling.  The pain on your back; the feel of your clothes, your hair; the smell of Dabi’s body wash, fresh linen… cigarettes.  Slowly, your hands lowered from your ears as you focused on each sense, identifying all you recognized.  The world was still loud around you, but at least you could somewhat function again. Slowly, you opened your eyes to see him watching you through an unreadable expression.

“Better?” he asked.

“Much.” You replied. “Thank you.  Again.”

“It’s fine.”

A heavy, awkward quiet filled the space, and in that moment, despite Dabi’s kindness, all you wanted was to be back safely in your room.  Maybe it was because you were feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions, unable to properly control how your heart pounded around him, or how you couldn’t keep your eyes off him. Or maybe it was the way he kept looking at you, his expression unreadable yet his gaze intense, as if you were all that he was focused on and he was determined to discover all of your secrets.

Either way, you felt an ache grow within you, threatening to drown you. But you couldn’t focus on it, couldn’t dismantle it or bury it, not while your brain fought the senses overwhelming you. You could handle one or the other… but you couldn’t handle both.

You needed the comfort of your room; you needed your safe space.

“I’m… going to go lay down.” You said quietly, as you grabbed your bag.  It felt heavy in your hand.

If Dabi noticed the shift in your mood, he didn’t say so.  Instead, he stood from his seat and shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Yeah.  Me too.” He replied.

Despite the suddenly aloof atmosphere, he still walked you to his door.  After you left, he leaned his back against the cold wood and ran his hand down his face.

So much for not caring…

________________________________________________

Part 10 ________________________________________________

Taglist (always open!): @lemonfvck​​ @vs-redemption​ @inanabsentia​​ @sheedaabee​​ @toshiuwuu​​ @marydragneell​​ @chillinwithmybakubros​​ @genuinelytodorokisbitch @sam-i-am-1025​ @redflannel @axerrri​​ @necccomancy​​ @miadraws0​ @hot-pocket01​ @hopelessdisasterr @dummythiccwitch​​ @villainsdeku @aquzairus​​ @officialtrashbusiness​​ @hemdem018​​ @purplesweethart​​ @doebopeepeebbod @ghost-of-todoroki​​ @marvel-philosophy @lysawayne​​ @udontneedtokno​​ @citrussaurus​​ @littleladdty​​ @starsforannie​​ @zunmie​​ @mae-rd​​ @mrsreina​​ @ohh-takuuu​​ @ih8beefnoodles​ @kellyyween​​ @jojoniles​​ @steale24​  @peach-tea-0  @orenjineki​​ @diobrandoatemykids  @minionsexuall @liitlesushi​​ @jojoniles​​ @bilalbambi  @tinitimesims125 @emmappelle​​ @babayaga67​​ @off-brand-overhaul @levenin​​ @exxzy​ @wootato​​

Special Note: your tag may not work if you’ve changed your tumblr username or if you have your account set to private.

#dabi x reader #dabi #dabi x you #touch #dabi touch #soft dabi #pining #slow burn #TW: blood #TW: needles #TW: killing #TW: violence

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 26

Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader   CW: Language, prejudice against MB, blood/injury, sexism A/N: as always, unbeta'd

【 Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter 】

Chapter 26: Human Anatomy 

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

May 4th, 1976

Following the Mary incident, there were two Death Eater attacks in Birmingham plastered all over the Daily prophet now clutched in everyone’s hand. Y/N watched from the sidelines as Lily gripped her copy so strongly that it began to tear where her fingernails were.

Distantly, she could hear Marlene and Dorcas attempting to distract them by fighting over the last Chocolate Frog. Y/N ignored them, her mood dampened from the news and played with her food idly. That was until she felt Sirius nudge her underneath the table, quietly placing the now stolen Chocolate Frog into her hand.

It was clear that she and Sirius reached a standstill. Ever since his outburst, he hadn’t been avoiding her — they still snuck around — but his witty and snarky comments were gone. He’d become more reclusive, shy, even, and couldn’t keep eye contact for too long. A few times, she even caught him entertaining other women and it caused her to stiffen up, laugh bitterly and chip away at any logic, reason — manifesting in irritation and resentment.

It was clear that she and Sirius reached a standstill. Ever since his outburst, he hadn’t been avoiding her — they still snuck around — but his witty and snarky comments were gone. He’d become more reclusive, shy, even, and couldn’t keep eye contact for too long. A few times, she even caught him entertaining other women and it caused her to stiffen up, laugh bitterly and chip away at any logic, reason — manifesting in irritation and resentment.

It was a game of cat and mouse and Y/N was the cat. So the gesture was surprising. She took it from him, smiling as she ripped open the package and split it into two, giving him the larger half. He gave a reticent smirk and went back to his desert.

Sirius Black was confusing.

She saw Remus had put down his copy of the prophet, who pressed his lips together to hide his amusement as he looked between the two. His brow rose; she looked anywhere but him.

It was nearing the end of dinner when James finally joined, just coming from his career consultation. He went over to Ravenclaw’s table first, talking admittedly with Emmeline before making his way over. He was uncharacteristically nervous as he sat down beside Y/N.

“Saved you a plate,” Peter greeted. A large plate of spaghetti hovered in front of him. Normally James would’ve dug in within seconds, but instead prodded at a meatball with his fork. Everyone noticed but ignored it.

“What took you so long?”

Sirius grinned. “I bet McGonagall was listing off the Quidditch teams that want him. Which one is it? Appleby? Puddlemere?”

“I call Ballycastle,” Marlene warned, “I want their spot!”

James remained quiet.

“Don’t tell us you’re going to live off your trust fund,” teased Remus, but it had a questioning tone.

James’s gaze flittered to Lily’s paper before he spoke.“They all reached out.”

Everyone gave a loud round of applause and cheers; Y/N ruffled his hair while Peter conjured one of the floating candles to explode into confetti.

“That’s amazing! Congratulations, Prongs! You deserve —” “I’m turning them down, for now.”

Everyone went still, smiles fading and utensils dropping.

Remus was the first to speak. His eyes glossed cautiously around the table before leaning in. “Want to go somewhere a little more private? To talk?”

James took a deep inhale, peering over to Mary’s empty seat. Still shaken up, Mary had been hiding away in her dorm. As Marlene liked to say, she was pulling a sickie, and nobody could blame her. Then James’ eyes strayed towards Y/N.

“I told McGonagall that I’m enlisting once school’s done.”

Peter placed a tentative hand on him, “What did you say?”

“Er… after everything that’s happened…” He took a deep breath, “I’ve been thinking… I don’t want to live in a world where the people I care about are judged — innocent people are being… slaughtered... I can’t — I can’t just sit here and let it happen! And the war won’t end — not unless people are there to fight.”

Lily ripped her newspaper as she snapped, “This isn’t the time for jokes, Potter. You can’t just say that and —”

“I’m not joking,” James states calmly yet firmly. “Quidditch can wait until the wizarding world is safe.”

Nobody spoke until Dumbledore dismissed dinner.

“I said the same to McGonagall,” Sirius added. Everyone’s head whipped towards him.

“Is this a sick plan you two haven’t told me about?” Remus scolded. His voice was laced in something Y/N couldn’t place but teetered on the edge of indignation.

Sirius shook his head. “No. Never mentioned it to him. It’s just… I want to fight people like… my… family.”

The phrase echoed in her head: my family… What did that mean?

“Then that’s what I’ll do too.” Marlene states.

Dorcas whipped her head towards her. “No, you won’t.”

“Potter’s got a point,” Marlene says. “What good will my influence — power and position I’ve got as a Pureblood do if I don’t put it to use? Besides, my brothers have all enlisted already. They help with the Ministry and Dumbledore.”

Y/N and Lily stayed quiet, both shared a look — the first time either made direct eye contact since their fight. It communicated worry and pure dread.

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

May 14, 1976

“You pincushion. You’re going to break if you aren’t careful!” She’d been waiting outside the hospital wing for Remus who hobbled his way out with a pink flush.

The Marauders and girls were taking ‘partnering up’ seriously. The Marauders escorted any Muggleborns around the castle at night; James, Peter and Sirius using their blood status while Remus used his height and prefect title as leverage. Even Marlene made sure every first or second year was escorted safely too.

In particular, ever since the mention of enlisting and Mary’s attack, James and Sirius were ruthless — merciless to anyone that showed even the slightest allegiance to the other side. More hexes, jinxs and pranks ensued.

Remus tilted his head as his body shook with quiet laughter. “Just a tumble.”

“Clumsy giant.”

He ignored her, going to take her bag off her shoulder to carry.

“Now you’ve lost it — give it.”

“I’m fine,” he grunted, going to dangle the bag so she wouldn’t be able to take it. But Remus staggered forward a bit, having to stop walking and balance himself out. Y/N noticed, sighing as she linked her arm with Remus’, letting him lean against her for support as they walked.

He did seem peaky, she worried, he waved it off. The Marauders did say he’s ill…

“Are we picking up Butterbeer?”

“Mary and Marlene are getting it.”

“Oh… Mary… How is she?”

Y/N sighed as they turned and left through a secret passageway and into the yard. Today was the last Quidditch game of the year. “I’m not sure… we’re not exactly close and Marlene refuses to spill.”

“I’m glad she’s… okay — out and about. What about you?”

“Me?” She turned to Remus.

“No one has tried to hurt you, have they?”

“Nope.” Best to lie.

Remus loosen up at that. His head tilted to hear her clearer, body hunched over as if he’s trying to get closer.

His soft messy curls were strewn messily around like he just rolled out of bed. “Do tell if someone does. I know you can defend yourself but we all need to be there for each other.”

“Of course. You too?” He hummed.

The hot sun beat down against them as sweat began to form on her forehead. Remus wore a light sweater — just by looking at him, he made her feel uncomfortably warm.

“You’re not hot?” Y/N asked.

He dropped his head a bit and a sudden far-away look filled his eyes. “Erm — not really. I just prefer it.”

She instantly felt bad from his reaction. “Well, at least you look dashing.”

He nodded, smiling before making grabby hands. Y/N glanced sideways, already fishing out her cassette player from her pocket.

“All you do is use me for this thing.” “Hush.”

They walked together down the path, arm in arm, over bumps and dips. Both laughing at the other before Y/N noticed a fairly large ball of black trailing on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It was as tall as Flitwick and as long as Marlene’s broom.

Y/N felt herself stop, pulling away from Remus who was about to open his mouth. A rush of excitement filled her. “Is that a dog?!” She already let go of Remus, motioning him over as she dashed off into its direction.

The dog must’ve heard her footsteps before she came to a stop in front of it. Now, slowly walking up, her hand stuck out and waited for the dog to approach.

“Hi there, buddy!” She smiled largely as the dog sniffed her. There was the slightest hesitation before its head rubbed against her hand, moving happily as its tail wagged. Its head bowed, presenting its neck as a sign of submission. It even nudged her. She rubbed the side of the dog’s body. Its fur was shaggy, matted with a bit of dirt which had her nose wrinkled.

Remus eventually appears, watching them but once the dog notices him, it goes rigid, pulling away from Y/N, even going as far to growl at her. Although it’s weak, she still rips her hands away as the dog keeps its gaze on Remus.

“No! Please come back?”

The dog stopped growling, letting her pet him again but bared its teeth to Remus. Remus doesn’t seem to care as he watches the scene intently, a smirk crosses.

“I didn’t know Hogwarts had a dog!” Y/N scratches behind its ears. “You must be Kettleburn’s, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, he’s been around,” said Remus.

“Oh yeah? You seem like such a good boy!” Y/N then stands, picking up a stick before waving it, throwing it far. The dog bolts to retrieve it. “Why didn’t you tell me there was a dog?”

“I’m more of a cat person.”

The dog comes dashing back, stick in mouth as it runs circles around her. She goes to bend down, fingers gliding through its matted fur before getting caught. “You’re kind of disgusting.”

The dog looks at her, its eyes adjusting to open wider while Remus bursts out laughing. Y/N glances at him, questioning his unusual behaviour before reaching to grab the stick from its mouth. She transfigured it into a dog brush and went to work.

"... Kettleburn has really been neglecting you."

Remus’ hands go up to wipe his happy tears before dropping down to sit beside her. She can even feel his body shake with laughter. “You sure you don’t want to leave this mutt be?”

The dog growls at him, Y/N giggles.

“I don’t think he likes you much.”

His face level with the dog. “Don’t like him either.” The dog barks and Remus practically howls.

“So…” he has a sly smirk that tells her he’s up to no good. The light catches onto his eyes, glinting with golden specs like they were infused in him. “You and Padfoot have been chummy lately.”

The wagging tail halts and Y/N stops combing as they both stare at him. The dog pulls away from her grasp and growls at Remus. This time, it’s guttural and deep, sounding like a warning and losing its playful tone.

“I — ugh —” She falters, mentally slapping herself. “We’ve been getting along since Oats. Studying, spending time together… I got tired of fighting.”

“Mmm, I bet.” His voice is condescending. “I heard you want to be a Healer.”

“Yeah?”

“Say then, do you guys study —” The dog goes and bites down on his jeans, tugging harshly, drawing her attention but Remus continues to study her.

“Look at me, not at him,’” he says cockily. He leans in a challenging manner that has her flustered. He repeats, “Do you guys study… I don’t know… human anatomy?”

The dog barks madly — so loud that they’re getting stares from passing students. Y/N swore she could’ve died there while Remus bellows with laughter: his question answered. She bolted up, remaining silent and marched away from him who hobbled behind her, yelling out false apologies.

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

Gryffindor, unsurprisingly, had another amazing win against Ravenclaw. James had improved as Captain drastically — confident with his position and team. Marlene improved too, she was almost as fast as the Snitch itself and never let a single Bludger slip past her while James scored goal after goal.

She and Remus still stuck by each other, walking down the rickety wooden stands as they observed the sea of red robes swarming the pitch. James pulled Emmeline into a kiss before he was holstered up by the Gryffindor team. Sirius was cheering him on while Peter was missing, having to leave right after the match for detention.

James then glanced back, along with Marlene, who waved while the two students grinned widely, sticking their thumbs up, fist-pumping in the air as a sign of congratulations.

But it wasn’t long until trouble came their way. Y/N wasn’t sure how Remus knew, but he suddenly went mute, his head perked up and swivelled around. In a fluid motion, he grabbed her wrist, pulling her flush against him; his hand wrapped around her protectively as he shifted his body to cover her and then bucked down; just before a Bludger came barreling their way.

Remus whipped his wand out, pointing at the Bludger that was hurling back, turning it into a balloon.

“The fuck?” Remus breathed out.

From where they stood, they were obscured by the shadows and wooden stands. The crowd couldn’t see them and the Gryffindor team was too occupied to notice. Cackling sounded from one of the exits. It was Crabble, Snape and two other Slytherin’s she didn’t know the names of.

“How cute! Ickle Lupin protecting his Muggle bitch!” Crabble said, flashing a dark smile.

“What did you call me!” Y/N shrieked, still in Remus’ hold before he finally let go.

“Watch what you’re saying,” Remus cautioned, voice dropping low. He stood tall as waves of authority emitted from him while he held his wand tightly, stepping in front of her. His broad shoulders squared. “Thirty points from Slytherin. You don’t want detention, do you?”

“That’s all you got? House points?” Snape taunted. “Loopy Lupin — acting tough in front of his girl.”

“Heard she’s fucking Potter,” the Slytherin said. He had blue eyes and dirty-blond hair.

“I heard differently,” the other nameless Slytherin blurted. He licked his lips in a snake-like motion. “Have you seen the way she and Black are around each other so much now? A Mudblood and a whore!”

She drew her wand.

“Aw, trembling itty, bitty baby!”

“That’s enough, Barty,” drawled Snape. Barty held his wand, toying with it before he lifted his wand, ready to cast a spell.

“Expelliarmus!” Remus shouted at him. Barty’s wand flew from his grasp but wasn’t lucky before the unnamed boy shouted, “Levicorpus!”

Instantly, Remus was grabbed by the ankle, hauled up into the air. Y/N saw him wince, all his belongings thudding to the grass.

“Aw, Rosier,” Snape said coolly. He took a few steps in a twitchy manner, “Stop playing with the poor mutt!”

But before the Slytherins had an opportunity, Y/N shot a spell at Remus, floating him down gently while Snape and Crabble directed a spell at her.

“Protego!” She cried as an invisible shield expanded between her, Remus and the Slytherins. The barrier was so powerful that they all stumbled as Remus went to retrieve his wand.

“Lupin can’t even protect himself! You had to let a girl do it too!” Crabble shouted.

“A Mudblood and a Half-breed! A match made in heaven.”

Angrily, Remus stood, a black ball of light shot out from the tip of his wand at the feet of the Slytherins. A small boom rumbled the ground, sparks of fire emitting but not enough to start a fire. They jumped back and Snape threw another spell.

“Ad sectis!”

Y/N barely had time to block it as a gust of wind knocked them back. It wasn’t a spell she knew of. Remus sent another hex at them but was blocked.

“Dangerous bloke, that Loopy Lupin,” Snape jeered, directing his words at Y/N while the Slytherins laughed. “You ought to be careful who you run around with. Let alone your boyfriend.”

“Shut up!” Remus shouted. “Shut the fuck up!”

“Where do you think he goes every month?” Snape taunted before backing up from them, rejoining the other Slytherins who left, all bellowing, “AHH-WOOOO!”

The reverberation from Remus’ spell drew the Marauder’s attention as they arrived. James saw them, marching up side by side with Emmeline and Sirius. He wore a large smile as he pressed several kisses to the side of Emmeline’s head. “Whiskers! Moony! Did you see that score!”

Remus and Y/N breathed in deeply, dazed and shocked. Remus stumbled over but she clutched his arm to keep him upright.

“Don’t listen to anything they said,” implored Remus.

“Wait… James,” Emmeline said, “I don’t think somethings right.”

“Moony, you’re awfully pale…”

“Shit! Are you guys bleeding?”

Y/N’s eye travelled to a large slash that travelled up Remus’ jaw and leg, blood seeping out at an alarming rate but the cut was shallow. Y/N in turn only then realized the damp liquid was now travelling down her arm. Her arm was also slashed, not deep, but the amount of blood was concerning.

All their voices began chatting over the other as the girls arrived by now; Dorcas rushed up to Y/N, prying Remus off of her as James and Sirius took Remus and sat them on a nearby bench.

“— happened?”

“— Y/N — Remus —”

“Lift your leg —”

“— get to the wing —”

“Merlin’s beard!” Lily shouted. “Give them some space!” Her eyes were on Remus but shifted to Y/N. Hesitantly, Lily walked up to her and bent down in front of her but still kept her distance.

“Okay, we need to get you patched up.” James stood, looping an arm around Remus and stood up.

Marlene rubbed her shoulder while Lily spoke, both James and Sirius doing the same for Remus. “Would you like us to come?”

She shook her head as the girls reluctantly left, but clutched Lily’s wrist as she stood. In a small voice, she asked, “Stay?”

Lily nodded her head and bid her goodbyes with the girls.

“Right, okay. I’ll see you later?” James said to Emmeline who pressed another quick peck to her cheek. Instead of the hospital wing, Remus asked, and was very adamant, about being brought to his dorm where they hauled in Y/N and Lily.

Sirius managed to get the bleeding to stop and worked on Remus before going to patch up Y/N who sat in James’ bed. The curtains were drawn just close enough for them not to be seen while Lily and James feverishly spoke to Remus.

“Ah!” She hissed as Sirius wrapped her arm carefully. Her free hand went to grip on his arm and he looked up at her apologetically.

“M’sorry — and we’re done.” Sirius tosses a quick smile, “You did amazing.” Sirius placed his material to the side and went to hold her hand gently. “What happened? Don’t you dare tell me a lie because this is serious.”

“I thought you were Sirius.” That joke never got old

Sirius broke out into a grin before it quickly vanished again. “Who did this?” He urged voice hardening yet kind. “Please, trust me.”

And she did.

Y/N reluctantly retold the story. Sirius went stiff. She grabbed his arm to bring his attention back to her. “Don’t do something that’ll make it worse. Don't you dare go looking for revenge. Promise me.”

He nodded his head but looked conflicted. At the same time, James pulled back the curtains; Y/N ripped away.

She looked around the room. “Where’s Lily?” “I told her to leave,” Remus cuts in. “I didn’t think that she would’ve liked to hear about the Snape part.”

Her eyes locked with James who wore the same expression as Sirius; he knew. And so she repeated herself, enunciating every word to the boys. “Don't. You. Dare go looking for revenge.”

#remus lupin x y/n #Remus Lupin x reader #remus lupin #sirius black x y/n #Sirius Black x reader #Sirius Black #sbtmas #marauders #the marauders imagine #hp marauders #marauders fanfiction #harry potter marauders #young marauders #marauders era #hp fanfic #Harry Potter #harry potter fanfiction #young!remus lupin #young!remus lupin x reader #young!sirius black x reader #fanfics #remus x reader #reader insert #lily evans #enemies to lovers #friends to lovers #young!sirius black #young!marauders #hp series

[diavolosthots]

Hi there! I love your writing so much, your angst is one of my favorites to read because they always hit me in the feels. Can I request a hc or imagine (I can’t remember what they’re called) about Diavolo x Satan where Satan feels insecure because he thinks that Diavolo is with him as he was once a part of Lucifer, who doesn’t hold romantic love for Diavolo. You can add some smut if you want, I’m perfectly okay with the angst either way 😁!

I wrote this and posted it on AO3 first but here it is. Hope you like it anyway!

Warning: like 1 dust crump of slight NSFW if you look hard enough

Love's Poem (SATAN X DIAVOLO)

Love is such an unpredictable thing.It comes so unexpectedly and knocks you over, or it will come gently and embrace you in its arms. Love is also odd. You may feel it strongly, almost too overwhelming, you will find peace in it, almost as if a blanket is draped over your shoulders. Love may come in full force, or it will come agonizingly slow. In Satan’s case, love could’ve been anything, but it was always there, he noted. Despite his exterior and the picture people painted of him, he always wanted to feel it, to experience it, to have it… and only in his books did he ever find it. It’s almost sad, really, pathetic. Or at least, Satan thinks so. A millennia old being holding on to such a childish dream, and yet… he can’t seem to let go of it. He has hope for it and he longs for it, but he isn’t foolish. He won’t blindly reach out for it. “Patience is a virtue.” he says, even if he finds it hard to be patient for a lot of things. He craves to be in love so desperately, laying there day and night with his nose buried in a book that tells of things he has yet to experience. A poem. A poem is what he yearns to create with someone else; a poem of their lives together. 

In all his yearning and waiting and desperation, though, he failed to realize that the poem had long started to be written. He failed to realize its soft touches, its gentle glances, and its sweet words calling out to him. He was so preoccupied with the paper it was supposed to be written on that he failed to notice the ink creating words on it. When he finally did notice, though, it was neither calm nor overwhelming. It was there, and Satan felt as if it had always been, because it had been. Still, when he realized whom he held it for, he was taken aback. Diavolo was never someone he excessively thought about… or so he thought. Diavolo, too, took a while to see Satan in such a new light and only when the two of them shared a moment over some literature did the Demon Lord realize just how deeply he could feel for the fourth born.

But Satan was unsure. He was questioning the demon’s motives, and quite honestly, he was scared. Scared of giving his all only to be left in the dust. To him, as much confidence as he bears and he truly does, coming from the Avatar of Pride himself and all, to himself, Satan was no one special. He’s attractive, very much so, and of course highly intelligent, but he also realizes how much of a brat he can be, or a bore, depending on the day. Diavolo was a manchild with insecurities, and Satan had said that more than once. Yet, their relationship blossomed and Satan found himself quite attached to the man, and vice versa. Diavolo felt like he had someone to confide in, someone who gave it to him straight but also comforted him. Someone he could experience things with and have a calm, peaceful evening with every night. Satan appreciated being brought out of his room, in which he would otherwise have been holed up in, and although he wasn’t after Diavolo for the money, status, or fame, he also appreciated the extravagance that his life brought to him. They balanced each other out, in the most unlikely ways, and both of them knew it.

Still, on one some days, Satan felt more like a shadow than anything. “Lucifer will come by today” again. “You won’t believe what Lucifer told me earlier” yes he will. “Lucifer” this “Lucifer” that. He understands that the two of them are close, after all Diavolo considers the first born his best friend. It angered Satan, though. Was he not enough? Does Diavolo still have to bring up Lucifer when he knows how the former feels about him? It’s not for a lack of communication, either. Satan has voiced his distaste quite a lot and changed the subject on more than one occasion, but a part of him also feels terrible for wanting to keep the Prince’s best friend away. “Satan!” especially when the guy so happily calls his name. “Hm?” It was nice outside, although when is it not in the Devildom. It rarely ever rains or snows or storms, and the temperature is always perfect to the demons. Satan was sitting under one of the trees in the courtyard at the House of Lamentation, reading one of his many books although he had a feeling that won’t last long. “Hm? That’s all I’m getting?” The pout that graced the Prince’s lips made Satan smile and a soft blush tint his cheeks. He looks up at the man, pursing his lips up into a kiss and waiting for Diavolo to take it. This is what he means when he says he wants a romance like in the books he reads. 

Diavolo leaned down to give one to him happily before falling into the grass. Somewhere behind them, they could hear Barbatos gasp, probably because the butler knows just how clumsy his Lord could be, but Diavolo waved him off and laid his head in Satan’s lap, who laid his book on top of Diavolo’s face. “Hey! I came all the way here and I got the cold book?” “You disrupted my reading” all meant in good humor, of course. Diavolo pushed the book off of his face and reached a hand up to brush along Satan’s cheek, which made the latter blush deeply. He’s still not fully used to this type of affection. “Hm… you look so handsome today. Did you do anything special to yourself?” Satan rolled his eyes although he did manage to turn his head and kiss Diavolo’s hand before it moved behind Satan’s ear to scratch it. Satan groaned softly, shivering slightly. Diavolo knows damn well that that is one of his weak spots. “There it is…. Good kitten.” Satan knows it’s a mock and although he’s blushing profusely, he’s also flicking Diavolo’s forehead, making him laugh. “Watch it. Kitten’s can claw.” Diavolo only growled playfully in response. 

“Can you believe us? A few months ago you didn’t even like me.” That’s not entirely true, he was just vary of the Demon Lord for over a few millennia, “and then Lucifer told me to just go for it.” Ah yes, Lucifer. Satan held back the urge to roll his eyes. “And then he said ‘Lord Diavolo, you would be not only blind but also a fool if you let this opportunity pass’ because he knew way more than either of us did.” The hell he did. “And you know what I said?” No, but he’s sure that Diavolo’s about to tell him. “I said, ‘Lucifer, my friend, don’t you worry. I will never take your beloved brother and son without first asking for permission’” Satan’s eye is twitching now and he finally found it in himself to say something, too, “is that all?” Diavolo’s smile slowly dropped when he saw Satan’s reaction and he was genuinely confused, slowly lifting his head from the guy’s lap and looking at him confused, “yes? Is something the matter?” He’s trying. He’s trying so hard not to snap right now so he just closes his eyes and just breathes for a couple of moments, “you know Lucifer said that when you--!” 

A growl escaped Satan and this time he actually did snap, whipping his head around to look at Diavolo. “Yeah? He said that? Must be nice. Anything else he said? Anything else he would like to add to our relationship or does he want to include himself next?!” Diavolo just stared at him blankly for a moment, unsure on how to approach this, “what? No. No, it’ll always be just us.” Blatant. Fucking. Lie. “apparently not! It’s Lucifer this, Lucifer that, and if you want Lucifer that badly, you can go and get him. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to know that he ruined yet another thing!” anger is getting to him and the next thing he says was neither thought out nor actually meant to ever leave his lips, “you’re probably just with me to get back at Lucifer, am I right? Poor little Lucifer wouldn’t give you his heart so you go to the next best thing; me!” Diavolo was taken aback by that last statement and for a moment he just stared at Satan, his mouth hanging open, but it soon turned into a glare. 

“Is that what you think? That my feelings are a lie? If you believe me to be such a liar, why are you with me?” Because he loves him, duh. He hates how much he feels for him but he can’t stop it, that’s why constantly hearing about Lucifer drives him insane. “I only want you, Satan, and I thought I made that pretty clear, but apparently not.” Diavolo sat up on his knees and for a moment he thought the guy was going to get up and leave, but he didn’t. Instead, he slammed his hands flat against the tree Satan was leaning against, glaring down at the fourth born before his eyes soften. “Stop being so jealous of your brother.” “I’m not jealous! You’re the one who only ever talks about him when your attention should be on me!” No matter how nice Diavolo was being right now, Satan is still glaring at the Lord, who turned his head and nodded at Barbatos. For what, Satan didn’t know, but it was for something. “Look at me Satan.” His eyes turned back up to look into Diavolo’s gold ones, holding so much softness and love, “I love you and only you.” 

Satan rolled his eyes and he was about to push Diavolo off and away, but the latter cupped the blond’s face and kissed him softly before resting his head against his. “Lucifer is my best friend, yes, but you’re my lover and if I wanted to pursue anyone other than you, I would’ve, but I didn’t. Don’t be angry.” Although it is hot when Satan gets angry and if this wasn’t such a serious discussion, Diavolo would’ve definitely made a move. The blush returned to Satan’s cheeks and he tried turning his head away, but Diavolo wouldn’t let him. “No. Say it back. I know you do.” Satan mumbled it under his breath because he knows he loves the guy too. “What? What’s that?” “I love you too…” “a little louder, Satan.” The blond glared at him and Diavolo couldn’t help but laugh, kissing him again, this time a bit deeper before he grabbed Satan’s hips and fell back into the grass with him, making sure the demon landed on top. “I said I love you too…” He’s been atop Diavolo so many times, but every time he feels like it’s the first time. “There you go. It’s way easier being honest, isn’t it?” Diavolo’s hips playfully snapped up against Satan’s and the blond’s blush deepened, barely able to steady himself on Diavolo’s chest.

“Whatever… Just don’t forget I’m your only one.” 

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #shall we date satan #obey me satan #satan obey me #satan avatar of wrath #obey me lord diavolo #shall we date diavolo #obey me diavolo #diavolo x satan

[xx-thedarklord-xx]

Reason to Love

Draco thought that dread would fill him as he stared across the ballroom at Harry. He had hoped dread would fill him. That would have meant that part of him had moved on. But even as the green eyes he loved so much filled with a hatred that he wished he too felt, all that remained in his veins was pain—agonizing pain that hurt just as badly as it did when Harry walked out of his flat, and then more importantly his life.

Deep breaths and calming thoughts did nothing to soothe his hyperactive heartbeat the longer he stared. Propriety—which had been instilled in him at birth—was chagrined at the notion of prolonged focus, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Months of no contact deluded his mind into thinking even an extended blink would cause Harry to disappear as if he had only ever been a product of wishful thinking.

Their locked gazes ceased being mutual as Harry turned to his date, successfully blocking Draco from his line of sight, who was left standing there staring at his back—like a weirdo.

With a lot of strength that would have disgusted who he had been emotionally even just a year ago, Draco moved across the room toward the balcony—ignoring everyone who made space to talk to him, knowing it would reach his mother come morning but he had long ago lost his will to give a fuck.

As Draco looked over the railing, mind not fully seeing the landscape as his distracted thoughts took over, part of him wished he did give a fuck. Because the person staring blankly at gaudy untrimmed hedges was a mess. A distinguished mess, sure, but a mess nonetheless—one he didn’t appreciate seeing echoed in his reflection when he could no longer hide from the lies that others believed so easily.

I am fine.

It fell off the tongue quickly; a gut reaction to deflect from the glaring obvious. He wasn’t fine and the only one who knew the truth was the same one who stared back at him in the bathroom mirror every morning.

Lying came naturally. If not because of who he was, then it was the Slytherin characteristics he embodied because he had no other personality traits to rely on. It was easy to lie, especially when those around him wanted it to be the truth. Convincing them was a breeze, but convincing himself was impossible.

His eyes slipped closed as he took a few deep breaths, wishing that it was as calming as his Mind Healer preached. Sweat beaded on his forehead and despite being outside, all it brought him was the sweltering humidity of the summer night.

“I’d say you have a lot of nerve showing up here, but you never had that, so let’s just call it stupidity and be done with it.”

Draco’s lips parted as he withheld a breathless gasp at the sound of Harry’s voice. A sound he wasn’t sure his memory properly emulated over the last few months, it seemed different. Or maybe it was because it was filled with the same hatred that had been in Harry’s gaze.

He didn’t want to turn around, and despite how bloody cowardice that was, he hadn��t been put in Gryffindor for a reason. Turning around meant facing not just Harry but facing all the lies he had been telling himself. If Draco turned around, his sense of stability would shatter just as easily as his heart did when Harry left.

I am fine.

With the smallest shred of gumption he possessed, Draco squared his shoulders and did the stupid thing by turning around.

Being up close granted him nothing more than being across the room had. It wasn’t as if he felt better, in all actuality he felt worse. At least far away he had been able to keep a semblance of distance even if it was just an illusion. Up close the hatred in Harry’s eyes was more prominent, held more emotion and made it impossible to hide from, even if he glanced away.

“Stupidity is the root of bravery, you should know that,” Draco countered, not bothering to try and find comfort in the insults. Those used to be Harry’s favorite way of showing affection.

“That’s where you and I are different,” Harry said, voice as quiet as the breeze that Draco wished would combat the humidity. But in reality, all it did was make him feel worse. “You never had a flair for that.”

While entirely accurate, it stung a little.

“What do you want?” Draco couldn’t help but ask. “If it’s just to insult me, save the foreplay for your date, will you?”

Wishful thinking had him imagining the hatred in Harry’s eyes dimming enough for annoyance to take over. While Draco was adept at handling both, annoyance was far easier.

“You knew I’d be here,” Harry said, eyes roaming Draco’s face in a manner that made him uncomfortable.

“I wasn’t aware you bought out the Ministry,” Draco drawled, hating the familiarity to the banter. “If need be, do check the invitation list, won’t you? My name is on it.”  

“You’ve avoided every function where we’d be in the same room, excuse me for thinking you’d do the same tonight.”

There was something in the tone that had Draco frowning. There was clearly annoyance, but he wasn’t sure at what. Was Harry upset that he hadn’t been around? Or was he upset that he showed up?

“You’ve been missing me, have you?” It was supposed to be sarcastic but a piece of Draco longed to know the answer, no matter how pathetic it made him feel.

There was no answer, only a hard stare that held far too many emotions to decipher. The longer Harry remained silent, the more he feared there would be no answer at all. The dark parts of his mind that never once believed the lies he tried to delude himself into whispered, did he have the right to know?

“I’m not sure,” Harry finally answered after several long uncomfortable moments. “There are times I think I hate you, and then there are times when I wonder why it has to be the present and why it can’t be four months ago when I loved you so strongly.”

The agonizing pain returned and it was strong enough to close his eyes. Getting answers wasn’t always a good thing. Now all Draco wanted was for Harry to shut up.

“And the middle ground?” Draco wondered. “Which one is more prominent?”

Harry exhaled deeply, strong enough to blow away strands of messy unkempt hair.

“I don’t know.”

Strangely, that hurt Draco the most. The indecisive approach to love.

“That’s where you and I are different,” Draco parroted Harry’s words, watching the way something gleamed in his eyes.

“If there is a reason to love, then that means the love changes when the reason is gone. I loved you without any reason,” Draco blinked rapidly, wishing the stinging of his eyes was because of the sweat still marring his face.

“While the temperament of your love has changed, mine hasn’t. It’s still there; whole, intact and going without pause.”

It was Harry’s turn to close his eyes as he covered his face briefly.

“I wish I could be like you,” Draco admitted what his teenage self never would have. “Not just your characteristics, not just your bravery, but perhaps if I loved like you did, then I’d be able to move on. If I let my love get bitter or angry then it would let in distance, would let in reasons to change it.”

Knowing that Harry’s love had changed and hearing it were two different things. It wasn’t fair. Harry got to be angry, got to fester over it and got to find closure even if it came in waves of pain. All Draco was left with was pain while the love was still there. But if love when bruised, torn and scratched remained one-sided, it would only ever lead to more pain.

“Who says I moved on?”

The question had his brows arching as he tried to understand why Harry seemed to bristle.

“Are you saying you haven’t?”

When Harry threw his hands in the air, Draco grew more confused.

“I don’t know,” Harry whispered, and for the first time in a long time the tone was lost. “It comes and goes. There are days where I don’t think of you at all and it feels like a step in moving on, but then when I least expect it, you creep up into my mind and it breaks my heart all over again.”

“Despite what you might think, I’ve never wanted to hurt you,” Draco said, unable to keep the desperation to be believed from seeping through. There were a lot of assumptions people had of him, and he never bothered to correct them. Letting people believe what they wanted to was far easier than changing their mind. But the one thing he couldn’t do was let Harry think that he never cared.

There was a soft devastation to Harry’s face before, “I know that, I’ve always known that.”  

“Then I don’t—”

“I haven’t moved on,” Harry said, and the determination to the tone held a touch of surprise, as if Harry was only just realizing. “Because even when I think of you and it hurts I still wouldn’t want that to go away. I don’t want to one day think of you and it not bring me back to happy times. I don’t want to think of you and it be a distant memory with no emotion. I want to think of you and feel something, even if it hurts.”

“That’s not healthy,” Draco blurted before his mind caught up with what he was really hearing.

Harry snorted, lips tilting up in a ghost of a smile. One that still caused his heart to skip a beat, followed by a jolt of pain with the knowledge that he had forgotten how beautiful it was.

“And you’re the epitome of healthy, are you?” Harry returned, lips still quirked.  

“No,” Draco shook his head, unable to banter when the truth of the statement touched a bit too close to home. “If I was, I wouldn’t love you like this. Not with the same ferocity, not with the same passion. Not when it hurts me like this.”

Harry shifted on the balls of his feet as his tongue swiped across a plump bottom lip nervously. “What if I don’t want you to be healthy?”

There was a beat of silence as Draco’s squinted, forehead creasing harshly. “Come again?”

A red flush graced tanned cheeks as Harry’s hands waved frantically. “That came out wrong.”

“It always did when it came to you.” Was that a tease? Draco wasn’t sure that was wise. Not when it would just hurt more in the end.

A glare with little heat was sent his way and Draco hated that he craved it, hated that a simple glare could cause his breath to quicken and the tempo of his heart rate increase.

“What if we attempt something,” Harry gestured between them with a hand. “Again?”

Oh boy.

Draco took a deep breath,  not daring himself to hope, not even sure if it was all real or just another illusion to lie to himself with.

“Is that wise?” Draco asked, ever the worrier. “It hurts now, I don’t want to imagine the pain should it happen again. I don’t think I’m ready for that.” No matter how much he wanted it.

“Give me a chance to love you without reason too.”

How could something so sweet hurt more than cruelty? Draco’s heart felt close to breaking, wasn’t sure he had much more in him.

“Not to mention your love is torn, isn’t it?” He continued as if Harry hadn’t spoken. “You weren’t sure about the love and hate, that can’t have changed already.”

“Why don’t you let me worry about that?”

“Not when it’s my heart that’s the causality.”

“Both of our hearts,” corrected Harry.

“Exactly,” Draco said with a small shrug. “Not even an hour ago you were glaring at me, it’s not so easy to let go of the bitterness, even if you love me too. I think we need time to acclimate, maybe find out what’s different. It has been months, I’m sure things have changed.”

There was a flash of amusement in green eyes and Draco almost regretted the whole conversation.

“You wanting to woo me, Malfoy?”

Malfoy.

Merlin, it was a breath of fresh air to hear his surname from Harry. What started out as a formality, never being granted the pleasure of the familiarity enough to use first names during their youth, had changed into fondness as they dated.

Malfoy.

The name that brought pride to his father but shame to him.

Malfoy.

The name that was only ever uttered with animosity and contempt.

Malfoy.

The name that fell from Harry’s lips with love and not a hint of a sneer.

Malfoy.

“Yeah,” Draco began, a small reserved smile quirking his lips. “I think I do.”

He was Malfoy, and on his favorite occasions, he was Harry’s Malfoy.  

#Drarry #Draco Malfoy #Harry Potter #angst #getting back together #exes #saw a quote on twitter that inspired this #the quote is in the fic too

[the-fiction-witch]

You. Are. Evil.

MOVIE: NOWHERE BOY COUPLE: PAUL X READER RATING: SMUT

We had finished up our show a couple of the guys heading home already as it was getting late and they would miss their bus home if they were any later. I didn't worry too much, I could walk home from here with john it's just across the fields so nothing to worry too much about not like I haven't done it before, at least this time I won't have to cart his drunk ass home to his aunt. I had no clue where John was in all honesty, I saw him after the show getting a beer and then later talking to some blonde girl, well I imagine He's either outside having a cigarette with her or in the bathroom with her. Either way, I should probably go find him. I finished off my drink and returned the glass going to see if I could find the bathrooms best to check there first, but as I looked across the bustling room, I noticed somebody.

I couldn't bear to tear my eyes away, slightly biting on my bottom lip as I looked at her.

She had little Purple Pumps, black stockings with the seams perfectly up the backs of her legs a rather snug purple dress with a halterneck, Her usual necklace hung down, her make up done perfectly and her hair up in its usual way, she smiled as she saw me looking at her and she gently waves I smiled and gentle wave to her too. She giggled in that cute little way she always does when she gently giggles and puts her hand over her mouth to try and hide her giggles. I walked over and took her hand giving her hand a little kiss

"Hello y/n, I didn't know you were coming tonight?" I asked her

"I thought I would come to see you" she smiled

"Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Very much so, it was lovely" she smiled cuddling with me tightly I smiled giving her a tight cuddle too

"That's sweet y/n," I told her giving her nose a little kiss "You should have told me you were coming, did you want me to walk you home?"

"That would be very nice Paul" she smiled

"Come on let's get going then else it'll be too late," I said taking her hand and heading out to the dark streets. I held her hand tightly as we carefully walked out of the more towny area and out to the fields we would have to cut through to get home before midnight, I held her close and tight making sure she was safe in my arms the two of us talking about this and that between little kisses, I could see the streetlights now for the roads with the little houses, but before we reached the street she tugged on my hand rather strongly and pulled me into the tree's close by the fields, I knew the place well often having to go find John and others in this little stretch of thick trees, as it was commonplace for people to smoke, drink and have sex.  

Which in all honesty confused me why she was taking me here, she doesn't smoke, nor drink, well that only leaves... Oooh.

"where are you taking me?" I asked her a slight smirk in my voice already excited at the concept

"On an adventure"

"An Adventure? and... what will we get up to on this adventure then?"

"You'll find out" she smiled before she stopped and pushed me against a tree so I happily wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in for a close kiss feeling her dress against my shirt, I was overexcited already kissing her passionately often letting loose little groans into the kisses as my hands caressed her skin she kissed back equally excited but she held back a little as she often does, partly not to expose how badly she needs me, but also because she likes being an evil little thing and teasing me, getting me all wound up just to torcher me.

"What are you gonna do to me?" I smirked

"You'll find out" she repeats booping my nose with her finger on each word

"Umm? will this thing... your gonna do to me have something to do with you wearing that nice clingy dress tonight?"

"Maybe"

"Will it have something to do with the fact I haven't gotten to have some... sexy time with you for a few weeks?"

"Maybe"

"Will it have something to do with that.. dirty call you did the other night"

"Which call was that?"

"When you called me in the middle of the night and, touched yourself with me listening?"

"I don't recall" she giggled clearly lieing

"Liar, You are... such an evil little thing when you wanna be," I smirked

"Am I now?"

"You are, so tell me y/n? is this something your gonna do to me going to involve you putting my cock in your mouth?"

"You'll find out" she giggled pinning my hands off her and onto the tree on either side of my head she came back to kissing me this time much more passionately I kissed back as much as I could even if I desperately wanted my hands back on her, she pulled back and smirked at me licking those cherry red lips. "You touch me, I'll make you wait another month Paul"

"Okay" I nodded lost for breath, I put my hands on the tree by my hips so they wouldn't ache as much keeping them next to my head, she moved to her knees fixing her dress up so she wouldn't get it dirty, I tried my best not to look just looking up at the dark stary sky but... I had to look. she knelt in the grass her dress tugged up to reveal the hem of her stockings I could see from this angle right down her dress and her plump cleavage, as her soft hands undid my pants and tugged them to my ankles, along with my underwear, she giggled as she saw how hard I was for her

"Been like that all night Paul?" she giggled

"... as soon as I saw you"

"Umm, Missed me that much?"

"Of course I have, you uhh you look beautiful down there by the way"

"don't I look beautiful everywhere?" she cooes kissing my shaft

"Uhh of course you do, but extra beautiful on your knees kissing my- Uhh!" I groaned as she took my head in her mouth swirling her tongue around like I was a lollipop she moved maybe half an inch every few seconds slowly taking more, and more, and more of me until her lips wrapped around my base so every inch of me was inside her mouth, she sucked at first gently but every suck was making me crazy, My fingers finding little grips in the tree's bark, I knew I was getting close and the more she sucked and moved her head back and forth "Fuck! y/n!" I groaned in desperation getting closer and closer the more she sucked, "Y/n! Y/n please I'm gonna..." I groaned but the moment I felt like I was going to finish she moved away and gave my cheek a kiss "Come on, lets get home" she giggled

"You. Are. Evil" I told her gasping for breath feeling my cock throbbing so desperate for my release

"I know" she giggled "Still love me?" she asks as she did my pants back up for me

"Of course I will love you, your just a evil little thing" I smirked giving her a kiss "Come on, lets get home" I smirked tugging her hand quickly heading to her house....

[vv3nti]

i mean it — part one

jj maybank x reader

summary: jj would take the fall for any of his friends, he’s always ready to intervene and save the day. whenever y/n needed his help without question he was ready to move the mountains for her, he would do anything for her even if it meant giving up a lot himself. 

warnings: drug usage, soft jj, i didn’t read this over yikes

inspired by the netflix original series the society and the heart-warming scene of jj taking the blame for pope so he could keep his scholarship. there is a chunk of dialogue from the society— all rights to them. 

a/n: hello this is my outer banks side-blog you can find my other writing here at @nostalthicc​. send some request. 

you never want to be the one on the outside looking in but for y/n’s friends that precisely what they were going through. for the last hour or so, kiara, pope, and jj have been posted outside of y/n’s room door waiting for her to let them in and explain what’s going on. she was honestly an open person, so this caught everyone by surprise, what would happen for y/n to spend hours crying in her room? none of them knew what to do or what to expect; that’s why the pogues stayed at her door listening to the horrifying sobs, waiting for john b to get here with some food and drinks.

“what do you mean she won’t come out?” john b asked calmly as he pinched the bridge of his nose, pondering for a solution. food didn’t work, nor did her favorite drink. they needed to get creative because everyone was restless, and jj was ready to kick down the door- this was strongly disapproved by all the pogues. “okay, okay, listen. clearly, she doesn’t want all of us to see her right now, so we send one of us, right?” everyone nodded in agreement before all their eyes trailed to jj.

he rolled her eyes, gesturing john b to give him goods, it was no lie when it came to jj and y/n, the two of them had an unbreakable bond, and they were hoping that would help him get through to the girl. “i’ll call you in an hour.”

once the rest of the pogues were gone, jj slid down the wall, he knocked a few times announcing he was the only one left but still no response. after many failed attempts, he did the only logical thing to do, jj pushed a perfectly rolled blunt under the door.

a few moments later, he heard her hoarse voice. “i don't have a lighter.”

a smirk graced his lips, jj knew weed would do the trick, it always does. he was close to sliding his lighter to y/n, but an idea popped into his head. “if you want it, you gotta open the door.” he hesitantly spoke, hoping it wouldn’t cause her to inclose herself back into the room but to jj's luck y/n opened the door. it was difficult for him to take in her appearance, her hair was a disheveled mess atop her head, her eyes and nose were red from crying, tear stains ran down her cheeks, and y/n had a broken look in her eyes. jj hated seeing his friend like this, he would give anything to see a smile on her face instead of her dull expression.

"stop starring and give me the lighter." y/n held her hand out. "please." she added, not looking the boy in his eyes in fear of him asking her more questions. but she should have none better; this was jj.

"hey, wait, wait, wait." he began, getting onto his feet. "you don't get to lock us out of your room when you're clearly hurting and then act as though nothing happened. uh-uh y/n, not with me. you and i both know i don't work that way."

"well, maybe you should have let kie or pope stay because i have every intention of pretending nothing happened. i'm fine." a scowl was evident on your face, but he knew she was hurting and trying to push him away, he'd done it a thousand times himself.

jj drew a long breath before stepping into the room, noting she didn't try to stop him. "doesn't matter. i'm here, and you are not fine, so tell me what's up."

y/n wanted to tell him, she really did, but none of this was his problem, y/n knew jj already had enough on his plate and didn't need to be plagued with her difficulties- none of them did. she needed to figure this out on her own, the pogues wouldn't help her get out of this one. the smoke from jj's hit drew y/n out of her thoughts, she hadn't even noticed he had made himself right at home on her bed.

"okay, hit me." he leaned towards the girl, handing her the lit blunt. she declined, turning away and dragged her fingers through the mess on her head. "something's definitely wrong, you don't want to smoke. what's going on, you opened the door for my lighter but not to light the blunt? that doesn't make a lick of sense, not one bit. you know you have to light it to smoke it, right?"

his rambling was overwhelming the girl, she couldn't even begin to think when jj wouldn't shut up. of course, she knew she had to light the blunt, she wasn't an idiot, but the consequences that came with the blunt weren't worth it. before jj could send her into another spiraling break down y/n rushed to the bathroom, unintentionally slamming the door. little did she knew it allowed jj the perfect opportunity to get some answers, which he indeed found.

"y/n, i'm not playing this game again, open the door." he hissed while tugging on the doorknob. "the rest aren't here to stop me, i will kick this down." silence. "i know, y/n, i know you're pregnant, just come out."

"i'm scared," she confessed, a sob raking through her body.

"i know, sweetheart, but if you open the door i can help you, we'll figure this out, okay?" jj smiled triumphantly when y/n slowly appeared, but it instantly faded when he regarded her broken stance. quickly he swept her into his arms, holding her in a tight embrace as she cried.

y/n momentarily pulled away. "i fucked up bad, i fucked up so bad. what am i supposed to do?" jj didn't want to engage in such a touchy conversation until she had calmed down and was in the right headspace, so he held onto her tighter, rocking back and forth.

when y/n finally regained herself and dried all her tears, the two were able to sit face to face, one pogue to another, and have the awaited conversation. although y/n would admit it, she was relieved to have the weight lifted off her chest.

"it's not mine, though, right? i don't remember anything, but i've been pretty drunk in the past." the boy teased, earning a small smile from his best friend, a smile he has been waiting to see for ages. y/n threw a pillow at his face claiming this wasn't a joking matter, but jj didn't miss the giggle passing her lips. "seriously, do you know who the father is?"

"i don't ever want you to ask me that question again ." y/n was slightly offended he would even fix his mouth to mutter such a question, but she pushed her offensive away to reply. "just respect that one thing,  i don't want him in my baby's life, ever. that's the end of it, don't ever ask me that again."

jj apologized; those were not at all his intentions, but he was curious about who had landed the girl, not many others. he had a few ideas of his own; however, he chose to not further push the subject. he adverted his attention and proposed more simplistic questions, the basics; when did you find out? how did you find out? how are you feeling? do your parents know?

most we easy, straight-forward questions, yet one specifically caught notice. "yes, they know, i needed to ask my mom for guidance, they just want to know who the father is and i can't tell them, i won't tell them, but i fear what will happen if i don't."

"this guy, you really don't want him anywhere near you or your baby?" jj entreated, y/n replied with a nod. she could see the wheels turning in his head, which never resulted in a good idea. "then i'll be the father, i'm the father, simple."

y/n eyes grew the size of saucers, she had no words, no thoughts, all she could do was stare closely at her friend who wore a look of eagerness upon his features. y/n wasn't sure she heard him right. "no, you don't have to do that?"

"why not? jj counted.

she scoffed, rolling her eyes at his attempt. "this isn't like taking the blame for me when i almost blew up the chemistry lab-."

"-god, you owe me so much."

"i'm serious, this isn't a joke, jj." she tucked a few fly-aways behind her air. "it's big, and it's forever. you don't get to say that if you don't mean it." a mix of emotions were coursing through her veins; sadness, confusion, anger, gratitude, hatred. y/n couldn't pinpoint exactly which one, but they all were making her dizzy.

"you're my best friend, and i love you. of course, i mean it." jj placed a light kiss on the top of her head, he often made impulsive decisions especially when they involved the people he loved, but this one felt right. y/n felt right, she had done so much for him, and he was ready to do this for her and the baby. his baby. "i'd do anything for you y/n, and that'll never change, i will do everything to protect the two of you."

she watched with admiration in her eyes as jj explained all the details, she has a new level of respect and love for him, one that can never be replaced. y/n was content; finally, an emotion she never thought would plague her being after she found out the news, she was awaiting the future, but the future didn't have as glorious as plans as the pair hoped for.

jj had convinced y/n it was best if they told her parents as soon as they got home, he didn't want her to face y/f/n and y/m/n's wrath any longer. they were typical, uptight, materialistic kooks, and he had soon how disapproving they could be up close and personal. once they were informed, y/n and jj could better plan for the future, like a doctor's appointment as soon as possible. maybe it didn't go as smoothly as they planned, but at least it was over with.

"a pogue?" y/n's mother gasped, earning a stone-cold glare from her daughter. her father's reaction was much less surprising as if he expected the news. "as if you hanging around them wasn't enough."

"y/m/n, calm down." mr. l/n spoke in a somber tone, sure maybe he wanted to throw around some unkind words of his own, he was keeping his composure together for his daughter's sake. "that's not what we need to focus on." he began, scratching at his chin. "i'll make an appointment with dr. chen on the mainland, we will help you financially, but we expect you two to show some initiative as well."

y/m/n scoffed, her eyes zeroed in of jj, disgust was written on her face. she hated pogues because she used to be one and since she married y/n's father. y/m/n had wholly forgotten where she came from. "we'd be better off sending y/n to live with your aunt, you think he will be able to support y/n and her baby."

"-our baby." jj intervened. "you're not sending her or my baby away. i may be a pogue, but i know better than anyone how important family is, and i will assure i will do everything for these two." y/n's heart clenched as he spoke, she couldn't help but feel guilty for the way her parents were treating him when the baby wasn't even his. he shouldn't have to worry about providing for the baby, none of this was fair, and y/n felt ashamed for allowing jj to do this.

shortly after jj's rant, the two were able to get out of there and away from her mother. now it all came down to somehow explaining this the pogues. the entire drive to the cut y/n kept asking the boy if he was absolutely certain he wanted to go through with this, that there was still time to back out and live his life, but jj continuously assured her this is what he wanted to do, and he wasn't changing his mind.

the group had mixed reactions, which jj and y/n had expected. john b was mainly confused as to how this happened, the pair had never shown a romantic interest in each other, or a sexual one either. many questions plagued through his head, but john b decided to wait because he understood how overwhelming this is for his friends. pope was freaking out, going on about how a baby is a lot of work and it's presence throwing off the dynamic of the group. he shared his troubles with y/n's schooling as well as other minor concerns, pope sounded more like their parents than a friend. and lastly kiara, she was a bit leerier about the subject, she was a hard believer of the no pogue on pogue macking rule and with good reason to. what's done is done, and she made it clear she was the baby's godmother, this caused john b and pope to start bickering about how got to be the godfather.

y/n was happy with her friend's reaction, sure they may not know the entire truth, but the pogues treat her or act any different. it was merely another hardship they'd have to face together because it takes a whole village to raise a child, right? but no all good things last and y/n's pregnancy announcement spread very fast through the outer banks, and it may have caught a certain kook by a bit of a surprise.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #outer banks #john b #john b x reader #kiara carrera #sarah cameron #pope heyward #rudy pankow #obx #rafe cameron #topper #netlix #jiara #sarah cameron x reader #pope heyward x reader #rafe cameron x reader #kiara carrera x reader #outer banks imagine #outer banks fic

[childishfluff]

Hewwo, would it be okay to request some fluff about Tommy slipping into littlespace during his exile, and caregiver Dream being kinder to him because he has limits to being evil when it comes to little Tommy? I really like the way you write this sort of stuff ~

hello anon, I did not write fluff, sorry about that. I did take this prompt and write it- it’s just not...fluffy. It’s light angst, at best. I’m sorry, I just don’t like the idea of cg!dream/little!tommy due to my dislike of how c!dream acts towards tommy. I didn’t wanna deny this request though, because it was still interesting. Feel free to request something else, I just couldn’t figure out how to write this in a fluffier way, y’know?

The Unfinished Story Starts On The Hill [Little!Tommy/Big!Dream Oneshot]

There was once a time when Dream felt bad for all he had done to Tommy, and he has a short-lived desire to fix things. He only reaches this point when the boy breaks down in tears at the idea that his favorite toys and comfort items could be destroyed. But all hope of fixing things is destroyed as the toddler-minded teenager tells him that he hurt him, and that he didn't want him there. Here's a chapter in an unfinished story that could've ended in friendship, if Tommy had been more forgiving, or Dream had voiced his guilt and gave a real apology. Sadly, there's a reason this story was left unfinished. It all started on the side of the hill.

TW for cursing, emotions, and Dream being a d*ckhead. AO3 Link

Tommy couldn't tell you how he got this far without Dream blowing up his littlegear.

At some point during his exile, he had managed to sneak back to his home, just to grab the things he used to comfort himself and hid them back in Logstedshire. But now, while Dream was making his daily rounds to blow up his stuff, he had managed to find the chest, hidden and buried on the side of a hill.

Tommy had taken to the habit of regressing under the stars, sitting on the hill and playing and just for a while, forgetting his worries. Sometimes, Ghostbur would show up and entertain him for a while. The whole thing, this 'weird' but sweet coping skill, was something he had kept hidden from Dream.

Until now, when Dream had the great idea of searching the entire premises for hidden supplies.

Tommy was panicking. He didn't think Dream would take a walk around the whole place, and him finding his hidden chest wouldn't only mean that all his stuffies and toys were gone forever, but Dream would know his secret.

"Really, Tommy? Chest in the side of a hill? I'd think that after the disk incident you'd know not to pull that again," he tsked. Tommy closed in on himself, his breaths quickening as he tried to think of what he could do. . He could lie, or try to find a way around this. But that'd be nearly impossible.

His best bet was to try and get him to blow up the stuff without looking at it. He wanted to keep his secret, and he'd sacrifice so much to do. Tommy was still panicking, tears springing to his eyes as he tried to focus on the current situation.

Tommy was crying, not realizing how quickly he had slipped until he was already small. "What's up? I know you don't like me being a dick or whatever, but you've never cried before." Dream's voice sounded so menacing and scary to him. So scary and mean.

Dream was seconds away from killing all of his stuffed animals and he really, really didn't want that. But there wasn't much the mentally toddler-aged boy could do at this point.

Tommy backed away from him, just a bit, rocking on his feet in an attempt to calm himself. He knew that Wilbur would give him some blue, he'd tell him to hold the crystal and fiddle with it as he talked out how he felt. And if he couldn't talk, then it'd provide a distraction, something to focus on to pull him away from whatever upset him.

But Wilbur wasn't here, and there wasn't any blue. There was just a scary man in a white mask, and no heart.

"Tommy?" Dream's voice spoke up again suddenly, snapping him out of his anxious thoughts for just a second. "Look at me." he ordered.

Tommy forced his head up, facing the masked-face with teary eyes. He sniffed. Dream's face softened behind the mask, though Tommy didn't know that. Dream suddenly dropped to his knees, moving to open the chest. Tommy immediately protested, trying to push and pull him away. He jumped to move and stop him.

He successfully rendered Dream's ability to get to the chest, almost causing him to tumble down the hill at one point. For some reason, Dream didn't fight back, not wanting to hurt him. Instead, he settled on rendering his ability to stop him.  

"Don't touch me, Tommy," Dream snapped, grabbing his wrists the first chance he got and restricting his movement. Tommy's eyes were full of fear, his weak and now-childlike voice mumbled..

"m' sorry."

"I just wanna see what's in here, Toms," Dream spoke more softly. He had a feeling he knew what was going on, and he was sure of what he'd find in the chest. The boy collapsed to the ground, crying harsher and harsher by the second. He felt helpless.

He couldn't do anything now. He heard Dream click open the chest, and take only a moment to look inside before a soft "Oh." left his mouth.

Tommy didn't want to see what he was doing, looking to his lap and closing his eyes tightly. He assumed that Dream was lighting TNT, and that his coloring books and pacifiers would all be gone in just a second.

He was confused when he didn't hear the sounds of a quick, crackling flame and a 'boom' though. Instead, he heard some footsteps, and some shuffling right in front of him. Then, he felt a few soft items being dumped into his lap. "Open your eyes, Tommy." Dream's voice spoke up.

"Stuffies!" he cheered at first, hugging all of them close to his chest at once, the soft toys completely filling his arms. Then he looked up to Dream, tilting his head like a confused puppy. "W-why-....no gone?" he tried his best to convey his thinking, though that was hard with how small he felt. Exile was stressful, this was all to much.

All the time, everything was emotionally overwhelming. If he had the option, he'd probably stay little all the time. But he didn't have that option, so it always felt like he was holding back the childish part of him that was forced to grow up way to quickly.

Dream chuckled a bit at his lack of correct grammar, but didn't comment on it. "You're just a baby, aren't you? I know I may be the villain of this story, but it'd be truly evil if I became a stuffie murderer."

Tommy giggled at that, snuggling the toys in his arms as if they'd be taken away at any moment. "jus' a baba," he repeated, mumbling to himself.

"Let's just pretend I never found any of this, okay? I won't destroy your toys or anything. And if you're feeling like a kid when I show up, I'll just leave and come back later, yeah?"

Tommy nodded a bit, not replying verbally. For a minute or two, he sat there, cuddling the toys while Dream simply watched him, keeping his softer demeanor and a promise to himself to be kinder to the boy. At least when he was like this.

For those few minutes, Dream thought that maybe things could stay like this. He could be nice to Little Tommy, and play around with him, while continuing the conflicts he had with Big Tommy. Unfortunately, that's not how it worked. There was picking and choosing when you want to not be an asshole, it's manipulative and confusing.

"Bye bye? Wan' be lone now," he requested, setting the toys down and standing up and stumbling over to the chest, digging through it before Dream even replied. Now that he was done crying, he didn't want Dream here.

"Are you sure you wanna be by yourself? Y-you're so little, I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

"You hurt me, don' wan' you here," Tommy's voice was still high pitched, but a little clearer, like he was just a bit bigger now. He set some things from the chest in a pile next to it. He was blatantly honest. Dream wasn't good to him, and he wasn't going to treat him like a friend just because he had the basic decency to not blow up his stuff.

You hurt me

For the first time in a long time, Dream felt guilty.

"O-okay," Dream stuttered, finally standing up from his spot. "Um, I'm sorry," he said, running his hand through his hair. That's not the response he expected from him, not at all. "I'll leave." His voice reduced to a mumble as he turned to walk away and back to the nether portal, leaving the little by himself.

Tommy didn't turn around, or say goodbye in any way, closing the chest and moving on with setting up his play area as if Dream didn't exist. He laid out a blanket on the side of the non-steep hill, setting and organizing toys on it. He was being his own caregiver, because the only one he had at the moment was a very unreliable and unpredictable ghost.

He just didn't want someone who hurt him to try and play buddy-buddy. Dream wasn't nice. Ghostbur was nice, Tubbo was nice. But not Dream.

And Dream was gone, just like that. Being rejected hurt a lot, but being reject by a kid? A baby?

That hurt oh so much more.

Because that meant that even someone on the mental level of a child was able to resent you. He was so bad that a child hated him. Of course, this guilt and shock wouldn't last long, and he'd go right back to being an asshole to Tommy the moment he was big.

But as promised, if he was small, he'd just walk away, and point Ghostbur in his direction on his way back to where ever he was going instead. Sometimes, he'd set up camp nearby, just to watch him for a while and make sure he was safe. From a distance though, because the kid strongly disliked him, big or little.

And though they had a silent agreement not to talk about what happened that day, neither of them would ever forget it. Tommy would always wonder why he had mercy when he was 'just a baby' even though he was 'just a kid' all the time.

Dream would always wonder, just in the back of his head and never out loud, if there was a way to fix things with the little. There's really wasn't much hope for him, though. War and power were much more important to him.

Eventually, through the battles and the end of his exile, the day at the hill would be a faded memory that they never spoke of. An issue to never be resolved.

An unfinished story of what could've been a sweet friendship with just an apology and some forgiveness.

An unfinished story that would always remain unfinished and uncertain.

--

A/N: So....what did you think? Is tommy in the right here, do you feel bad for Dream? Do you wish this played out differently? Please reblog/reply/send an ask, and lmk!

#agere #age regression #dsmp #dream smp #dream smp agere #little!tommyinnit #big!dream #cg!dream #TommyInnit #Dream #ghostbur #wilbursoot

[the-rad-pineapple]

the precious hours

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Supernatural oneshot: Dean comes back to visit Cas when Cas is human in Season 9.

Words: 2302

ao3

fanfiction

wattpad

Title and story based off the song The Precious Hours by Proleter.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feelings. That is the best and worst thing about being human. Castiel has never felt more elated, giddy, and happy but sad, desperate, and lonely all this intensely or this close together. The span of emotions he experiences in one day is more than he’s felt...probably ever. And to make everything worse, Dean is back.

It’s torture. Dean makes Castiel feel so good. Castiel is always happy being around Dean. He smiles the most when he’s with Dean. Castiel isn’t sure why. It feels like, well, magic. It’s nothing like anything else he feels. Dean makes him feel many physical sensations, too. Like rushes of adrenaline and a fluttering sensation in his stomach. But it is also terrible. Castiel wants more. He wants to touch Dean. Hold him. Have Dean hold him. Kiss. It’s strange. Castiel somehow feels lonely even when he’s next to Dean. He knows Dean doesn’t feel the same, and it hurts. It’s not a physical pain, but there is no other way to describe how painful the emotions feel other than saying they hurt. Castiel finds he wants to spend as much time as he can with Dean to feel the good emotions, despite knowing he’ll feel the bad ones, too. Especially right after Dean leaves. Castiel thinks loneliness is one of the worst feelings. But Castiel pushes that aside. Dean returned just a week after he left the first time and took Castiel to dinner without an explanation. So now they’re sitting across from each other in a booth at a diner Castiel has never been to. He can’t really afford to eat out anywhere, but Castiel doesn’t tell Dean. He can probably pay for this one meal if he doesn’t eat a lot. The appetizers look affordable. Embarrassment and shame strike him much more deeply now, and he really cares what Dean thinks about him, so he doesn’t want Dean knowing this will really cut into his expenses. “You’re just having a water?” Dean asks after the waitress asked Castiel what he was going to drink. “Two beers, please,” Dean orders before Castiel can interject. Castiel turns his attention back to his menu, swallowing down the dread building there. Now he’s going to have to pay for that, too. “Cas, what’s wrong?” Castiel looks up. Dean is staring at him sternly. Concern. Castiel finds it’s much easier to read and understand human emotions now that he feels many of these emotions himself. “Nothing,” Castiel lies. “Why are you here, Dean?” Dean shrugs, but Castiel can see he’s still tense. Something is bothering him. “Just needed a break, you know?” Castiel knows Dean isn’t telling him everything. But he knows if he brings it up, Dean will just deny it, so Castiel just nods. The waitress returns, and they both order. “You’re not getting much,” Dean comments. Castiel glances up self-consciously. He knew Dean was going to judge him on his order. But when Castiel meets Dean’s gaze, it’s filled with the same concern as earlier. Castiel answers, “I’m not hungry.” Another lie. The only other food he’s eaten today was a Nature Valley bar at lunch. He’s never buying Nature Valley again. Those bars basically crumble to dust before you can even bring them to your mouth. The waitress returns with the beers. Dean eagerly grabs his and takes a long sip. Castiel picks his up as Dean is drinking. He drinks a little. He knows the alcohol will go straight to his head since he’s hardly eaten. Maybe it will make him feel a little better. So Castiel takes another, longer drink. An awkward silence stretches between them, and Castiel traces the dips of the wooden table with his index finger. “So, how have you been?” Dean asks. Castiel looks up and is immediately suspicious. He studies Dean’s expression, but he can’t tell what Dean is thinking. Why does Dean want to know? Castiel doesn’t want Dean to worry about him, so he lies. “Fine,” Castiel says. “How are you?” “Just great,” Dean says while picking up his beer again. But Dean’s tone doesn’t reflect his words. Sarcasm. Castiel instantly feels concern tighten his chest. He can’t help it. He knows what Dean does, and sometimes he can’t sleep because he worries Dean is dying somewhere and needs his help. But Castiel can’t help. “What’s going on, Dean?” Castiel asks. “I lied to Sam, and it finally caught up with me.” Castiel blinks in surprise at Dean’s honesty. He can see the regret in Dean’s eyes and pressed lips. Castiel is dying to know more and

wants to help, but he knows he probably won’t be able to. Dean doesn’t accept help a lot anyway. “Want to talk about it?” Castiel offers. “No.” “Ok.” Another awkward silence fills the air again. Castiel goes back to tracing the table. Smelling all the food surrounding them is making him even hungrier. It feels like ten years have passed. “How’s work?” Dean asks. “Fine.” This time it isn’t a lie. Work’s not great. Castiel would rather be helping Dean. But it’s also not terrible. It’s just fine. The food finally arrives, and they both begin eating. A word hardly passes between them as they eat. Castiel hasn’t eaten a meal this good...maybe ever. Or since he can really taste food. He mainly eats sandwiches or things from the store, so a hot meal is everything. It is worth the money after all. Castiel finishes eating and moves to drink some beer but pauses when he realizes Dean is staring. Does he have food on his face or something? Castiel wipes his mouth just in case. “What?” Castiel asks when Dean continues to stare. Dean blinks rapidly and looks down. Are there tears in his eyes? Castiel leans closer. “Dean, what’s wrong?” “When was the last time you ate?” Dean’s gaze snaps back up. The eye contact and the question catch Castiel off guard. His breath sticks in his throat, and he swallows. Castiel doesn’t want Dean to know how bad he’s struggling. He’s not entirely sure why. He knows a part of him wants to avoid feeling any form of shame. Another part might be the little bit of pride he has left. “A few hours ago,” Castiel answers. It’s the truth. He just didn’t tell Dean exactly how much or what he ate. “What did you eat?” “A...bar.” Castiel isn’t exactly sure what the type of food he ate is called. “Like a protein bar?” Castiel isn’t exactly sure what makes a bar a protein bar. “Yes? It was crumbly.” He hopes his description is helpful. “Is that all you’ve had today?” Dean asks. His words are sharp. Castiel looks back down at his plate. Anxiety wells in his stomach, and his shoulders tighten. He knows he can’t lie to Dean, but he also doesn’t want to admit that the bar is all he’s had. He doesn’t want Dean to think less of him. “Dammit, Cas,” Dean says quietly. “I’m sorry,” Castiel feels himself automatically respond. It’s as if the phrase has the power to make everything better. Castiel chances a glance up at Dean. Dean is running a hand over his face. Their eyes meet. “Where are you staying?” Dean asks quietly. Castiel knows he can’t answer this. The embarrassment will be too much. He can’t even get a place to sleep. Dean will think he’s pathetic or something similar. Castiel grabs his beer and drinks, hoping to stall. He slowly sets the bottle down once he’s finished. “Cas?” Dean prompts. He refuses to answer. “Why are you asking me these questions, Dean?” Castiel asks instead. “Because, this is happening to you because of me,” Dean answers. Castiel is confused. Dean has nothing to do with his food and sleeping situation. “What do you mean?” “If I hadn’t told you to leave, you’d be with me.” Dean doesn’t look Castiel in the eye. Castiel frowns. “I know. That doesn’t make it your fault.” “Yes, it does.” Dean looks up resolutely. He glances over and waves at their waitress, signaling for the checks. “You’re coming back with me.” Castiel’s heart skips a beat. This is exactly what he wants to hear. This can’t be happening. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Maybe Dean is just saying it to be polite. “You don’t have to,” Castiel says, giving Dean the option to change his mind. “No, I do,” Dean answers. The waitress places a receipt on the table. Castiel realizes he’s doesn’t know how to pay like this. Dean takes his wallet out and places his credit card on the receipt. That’s when Castiel notices there’s just one receipt. “You don’t have to pay for me,” Castiel says. “Too bad.” “...thank you.” They both look at each other again. The guilt in Dean’s eyes is so clear. Castiel stares. What’s wrong with Dean? Why

is he feeling this way? And why is he feeling it so strongly? There’s movement to Castiel’s left, and he glances at the waitress as she takes Dean’s card. “Are you all set to leave?” Dean asks. “With me?” Castiel nods slowly. He isn’t sure why Dean is asking. “Do you have all your stuff?” Dean asks to clarify. Castiel only has his toiletries and a little bit of food plus his sleeping bag stored back at work. He does have enough money to buy more of that, though. He also doesn’t want to go back to work. Castiel answers, “Nothing that I can’t buy.” Dean nods. “Good.” But his features remain hard. The waitress comes back with Dean’s card. He quickly replaces it in his wallet, grabs his jacket, and stands. Castiel follows. He looks at the parking lot through the glass doors. Snow is coming down heavily. Castiel can already feel the wet flakes soaking through his thin work shirt and grimaces. “Here,” Dean says while holding out his jacket. Castiel glances up at him to confirm it’s okay to take it. Dean nods, and Castiel grabs it and puts it on. It’s a little big, but it’s warm, and it smells like Dean.

It feels like home. Dean leads them outside, and Castiel follows him to the Impala. He gets inside the passenger side. Dean turns the car on, and they start driving. Castiel feels himself relaxing. Being next to Dean back in the Impala is so familiar. And safe. He glances out the window. The snow is thick and heavy. “We might have to stop somewhere,” Dean says. “Okay,” Castiel responds. He doesn’t care what they do. Just as long as he’s back with Dean. Castiel doesn’t realize he’s dozed off until he jerks awake. Something is on his shoulder. He turns to see Dean’s hand. “Got us a motel room,” Dean explains. Castiel nods tiredly and steps out of the car. He closes the car door and wraps Dean’s jacket tighter around himself. The snow is sticking to the ground, and Castiel takes an experimental step. He makes a wet footprint. He steps next to it to make another footprint. Why is that fun? A big snowflake hits his shoe, and he looks up. The night sky is light from the swirling snow. It’s beautiful. It’s cold but cozy somehow. Castiel looks down from the sky to see Dean staring at him. He has a small smile on his face, and his eyes are lit with...something. His nose and cheeks are pink, softening the usual hard lines on his face. It’s...cute. The image of Dean smiling at him in the swirling snow makes Castiel feel warm inside. Contentment...no. Happiness. And a little bit of excitement. Castiel smiles and walks to Dean’s side. “I like the snow,” Castiel comments. “I hadn’t noticed.” Castiel blushes in embarrassment at the thought of Dean waiting on him while he stared at the snow. Dean’s hand touches Cas’ lower back as he leads them to their room. It only makes Castiel blush more. He hopes the cold disguises his red face. They finally reach their room. Dean fiddles with the key before finally getting the door open. He steps inside and turns on the light. The room is small and only a little warmer than it is outside. Dean immediately goes over to the thermostat. Castiel closes and locks the door. He walks over to the closest bed and sits down. He takes his shoes off. Then Castiel realizes he’s still wearing Dean’s jacket. He can’t help but feel a little disappointed at the thought of returning it. It’s like a little piece of Dean that’s his own. Castiel reluctantly takes the jacket off. “Dean.” He holds the jacket out to him. Dean turns from his spot near the thermostat. “Keep it for now. I have my flannel.” “Thanks.” Castiel hopes his excitement isn’t too obvious. He puts it back on and climbs under the covers. He lays down and stares at Dean.

Dean suddenly turns and says, “Sorry I didn’t bring any extra clothes. I thought I could make this in one trip. So, uh, yeah. Sorry.” His eyes dance around the room before settling on Cas.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Castiel replies.

Dean quickly looks away and focuses on the thermostat again. But Castiel notices the tears he was trying to blink back. Dean finishes figuring out the thermostat and turns on the bedside lamp. He walks back towards the door and turns off the main light before falling on his bed. He rolls over to turn the lamp off. “Dean?” Castiel asks. Dean glances over. “Yeah?” “Thank you for coming back for me.” Dean stares. Then must realize he’s staring and clears his throat awkwardly. “It’s what family does.” He clicks off the lamp. Castiel smiles, grateful the darkness covers it. But he doesn’t see Dean’s smile, mirroring his own.

#supernatural #spn #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural oneshot #dean winchester #castiel #destiel #season 9 #human!cas

[lilatreus]

im new to the ac fandom and i didnt know there were any books should i be reading them?? or are there certain ones that i absolutely need to read or would i be okay if i skip them?

Yeah it’s okay to skip them if you want! They’re mostly there to give some more insight on some of the characters. If you want to read them but you don’t have to money to buy the books, you can read them here. I actually have all the books already on paper copy so I would definitely recommend buying them if you really enjoy them.

There’s also some comics and graphic novels about them too which I have included in on the master list. They actually follow the modern storyline of you want to read up on that. If you want to read them just do readcomicsonline. They have them all, only watch out for ads.

Anyway here’s the master list, it’s pretty long won’t lie:

The books, in order of strictly historical events:

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey by Gordon Doherty (2018)

Basically this books gives the canonical story to assassin’s creed odyssey following Kassandra around Greece. If you had the “best” or good ending from the story then you’re probably going to be upset with the book. I actually liked it and if you were ever confused about the game then this is definitely for you to read.

Assassin’s Creed Origins: Desert Oath by Oliver Bowden (2017)

This book takes place years before Origins. It follows Bayek who a teenager at the time. We learn how Bayek and Aya start their relationship and it kind of explains some of the side missions that talk about Bayek’s past. If you love Bayek and Aya’s relationship you will love this book.

[ insert for whenever an ac valhalla book is written ]

Assassin’s Creed: The Secret Crusade by Oliver Bowden (2011)

This book is the one I’m currently rereading, so it takes place with the father of Marco Polo talking about Altaïr’s life. It talks about his—Altaïr’s—dad within the first few chapters, events that happened in the game, and then what happens after. It gives more insight on what happened between the events of ac one and the little bits of scenes we see in ac revelations of Altaïr in game. If you want to know how Maria and Altaïr got together you’ll like this book it’s very sweet and I love how smitten Altaïr was. If you love Atlmal (Altaïr and Malik) you’ll also like this book but it will crush you.

Assassin’s Creed: Renaissance by Oliver Bowden (2009)

This follows Ezio through assassin’s creed two. Literally just the book version of the game. Does talk about how Ezio and Cristina got together and a few of the memories you get to play in Brotherhood are in this book. I like it. It pretty much follows the game exactly so if you want to skip it, you can but still a really good book that I recommend reading.

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood by Oliver Bowden (2010)

Follows the plot of the game. It’s pretty similar to it as opposed to a few differences. While I like this book, I will always say the game is better than this book entirely. Still, it’s pretty good and explains a lot of plot.

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations by Oliver Bowden (2011)

It explains why Ezio is doing what he does in the game. Why he’s there and what is reasoning is. You get a little small bit about Claudia but that’s it. Ezio does, in book, visit Leonardo on the last few days before the artist dies :( that’s pretty much it. Only some minor differences to the game. If you’re looking for something about Desmond, you won’t find it in this book.

Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag by Oliver Bowden (2013)

I’ll be honest I only read this book once so my memory is pretty poor on it but from what I can remember it’s about Edward and Caroline and how they got together. And then there’s something about Anne Boney and Edward towards the end I believe. Kind of explains his backstory from the little scenes we’re shown in the game I think? (Correct me if I’m wrong on this one but I’m certain that’s the gist of it).

Assassin’s Creed: Forsaken by Oliver Bowden (2012)

This one was the first assassin’s creed book I read. Now fair warning: if you do not like Haytham Kenway, I strongly advise you to not read this book. It is all about Haytham until the final few chapters and then Connor takes over the book once you’ve killed him in game. This book explains how he (Haytham) came to be apart of the Templars and how Edward dies. It talks about his relationship with Ziio and how he built the Templar order up during the seven years war. I’ll be honest it was okay when I first read it because I was like 11 and the only other thing I had read was like just percy jackson. Looking back on this book though, it’s not that great. I do not like Haytham at all so I, personally, would not recommend this book. I went in reading it expecting for it to be about Connor and I was very disappointed and upset that it wasn’t. So you can skip this book if you like because the only thing it does is give insight to a lot of what Haytham does.

Assassin’s Creed: Unity by Oliver Bowden (2014)

This is my favorite book. This is about Arno reading Elise’s diary after she passed. There’s little bits where Arno writes in here and there throughout the novel. It’s pretty sad I won’t lie. Explains how Elise grew up, what she did during the parts where we didn’t see her in game, and talks about how she felt during the parts where we did see her in game. Basically at the end of the book it’s Elise asking Arno to please help seek unity and stop the war between the Templars and Assassins.

Assassin’s Creed: Underworld by Oliver Bowden (2015)

This book follows Jayadeep Mir, also known to us as Henry Green. There’s two parts to this book. The first part takes place six years before the events of syndicate and you get to really learn about the twin’s father and then the second part takes place during the events of the game. It talks about Evie and Henry’s relationship during the second part and it’s pretty good!

There are no books about assassin’s creed chronicles (ac China, India, and Russia) if you’re wondering why they’re missing :(

The comics:

*most of these take place during the modern storyline I’ll try my best to explain when they come in and how it adds up to the new our modern storyline at the end

Assassin’s Creed the Fall

There’s three issues with this it’s just a graphic novel honestly. Takes place with the main character from AC Chronicles: Russia

Assassin’s Creed the Chain

Graphic Novel sequel to the Fall

Assassin’s Creed Brahman

Written by the same people who wrote The Fall and The Chain, however this focuses on Arbaaz Mir who is the main character from Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: India.

Now from what I’ve seen, correct me if I’m wrong, but the templar and assassin comics pretty much take place around the same time.

Assassin’s Creed: Trial by Fire

Assassin’s Creed issue #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

Assassin’s Creed Templars: Black Cross

Assassin’s Creed Templars issue #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

Assassin’s Creed: Setting Sun

Assassin’s Creed issue #6, #7, #8, #9, #10

Assassin’s Creed Templars: Cross of War

Assassin’s Creed Templars issue issue #6, #7, #8, #9

Assassin’s Creed: Homecoming

Assassin’s Creed issue #11, #12, #13, #14

Assassin’s Creed: Uprising

Common Ground Vol 1: issue #1, #2, #3, #4

Infection Point Vol 2: issue #5, #6, #7, #8

Finale vol 3: #9, #10, #11, #12

Assassin’s Creed Reflections (pretty much a stand alone I would say, focuses entirely on past assassins but canon to the templar comics).

Reflections 1: modern story focuses on Otso Berg historical story focuses on Ezio where we learn Ezio is implied to have hooked up with the woman who in the Mona Lisa painting.

Reflections 2: same thing for modern story but now Otso is looking into Altaïr’s story. We get to see Maria, Altaïr, and their son Darim.

Reflections 3: Otso is now looking into Edward Kenway.

Reflections 4: Otso looks into Connor and we see him with his daughter. It’s super cute this issue is my favorite.

Last Descendants

The Last Descendants (Novel)

Locus: issues 1 - 4

The Last Descendants: Tomb of the Khan (novel)

The Last Descendants: Fate of the Gods (novel)

Assassin’s Creed: the French Books (these have all been translated into english and theyre all graphic novels).

These books I would say to skip. If you want to read it you can, however the modern storyline has been said to no longer be canon anymore. The historical storyline however is still canon but not actually necessary to the plot of anything.

Cycle 1

Assassin’s Creed 1: Desmond

Assassin's Creed 2: Aquilus

Assassin's Creed 3: Accipiter

Assassin's Creed 4: Hawk

Assassin's Creed 5: El Cakr

Assassin's Creed 6: Leila

Cycle 2

Assassin’s Creed: Conspiracies

This takes place during WW2

Vol 1: Die Glocke

Vol 2: Project Rainbow

Cycle 3

Assassin’s Creed: Bloodstone

This takes place during the Vietnam War. A follow up on Conspiracies.

Vol 1: book one

Vol 2: book two

The last two I have listed (Conspiracies and Bloodstone) are canon to the comics’ modern storyline as well as the historical. Cycle one is not. They’re both graphic novels. Also I want to say that I have not read these two yet so idk if I’ll be allowed to recommend them but they’re there. I have no idea where they’re placed in terms of modern storyline bc these two are very confusing seeing as they originally were canon then told they weren’t and now they are again.

Other comics that I really have no idea where to place but they do exist if you want to read them:

Assassin’s Creed: Origins (mini series)

Four issues for this comic takes place following Aya and her journey. You get to see what happens with Cleopatra. I personally really like this comic you get some lore on the Brotherhood and Aya so it’s good. Read this after the video game. (Pretty positive it takes place after the game events but before the DLC: hidden ones)

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla: Song of Glory (mini series)

There are three issues in this. Haven’t read this one yet, however it focuses on Eivor. Read this alongside the video game.

Okay so for canon timeline purposes here is the exact order of everything I’ve listed and where they fall in for strictly the modern storyline:

1 The Fall and the Chain (also called subject four which is just the two of the books into one)

2 Desmond’s story

3 Brahman

4 Assassin’s Creed: Trial by Fire 1 - 5

5 Assassin’s Creed Templars: Black Cross 1 - 5

6 Assassin’s Creed: Setting Sun 6 - 10

6 Assassin’s Creed Templars: Cross of War 6 - 9

7 Assassin’s Creed: Homecoming 11 - 14

Assassin’s Creed Reflections (stand alone don’t have to read if you don’t want to but if you do, read along side the templar stories.)

8 Assassin’s Creed Syndicate modern storyline takes place here

9 Assassin’s Creed: Uprising

10 Origins modern storyline starts here and continues for assassin’s creed odyssey and valhalla*

*If you’re confused as to why Juno isn’t in the game plot anymore the comics explains it. Ubisoft has completely moved her story to the comics entirely and in doing so completely finished the story.

#assassin’s creed #Desmond miles #assassin’s creed comics #assassin’s Creed books #ac master post #assassin’s creed masterpost #I’m not tagging all these games I’m sorry #I didn’t include the movie bc a lot of fans will probably argue over that and I’m not dealing with it #if you catch a mistake please let me know! #also I hope this doesn’t look too messy bc I tried to organize and explain it best I could #asks #anon

[lia-jones]

Growing Together - Chapter Twenty- Three - Goodbye is a Silent Word (Part Two)

I woke up the following morning, my sleeping son curled against me. The book I had been reading to him was neatly placed on the nightstand, and a warm comforter covered me. My heart grew warm with the thought that my husband had come to check up on us, as he would normally do before all of this had happened.

The truth was, I barely saw Victor ever since the piano incident. He had locked himself inside the study, writing the eulogy, and didn’t even bother answering me when I had come to ask if he was hungry. It was evident that he wanted to be left alone, so, as a good doting wife, I complied. Even if it hurt me. Even if my heart wrung itself with agony.

Owen stirred by my side, probably sensing that I was awake. His big brown eyes stared at me expectantly, as if to gauge my mood. It had been a weird couple of days, so it was no surprise that the boy felt somewhat unstable. I gave him my best reassuring smile.

“Good morning, sleepy bug.” I playfully poked his nose. “Did you sleep well?”

“You slept here?” He frowned. "Where's Dad?”

I had no idea where he was or how he was. I also had no idea of what to say, so the only solution I had was to lie.

“You know him, he's probably busy with the funeral.”

The boy stared at me in a very familiar way, his gaze very similar to the one his father used to give me when he felt something was off. After a moment, he seemed to shrug it off, smiling at me instead.

“I’m hungry. Can we go have breakfast?”

“Sure can!” I got up and offered my back for him to climb, which he happily did. “Come on, my hungry caterpillar. Let’s get you showered and fed so you may become a butterfly.”

“Did you know that monarch caterpillars eat about twenty milkweed leaves in one day?”

“That’s probably why they are so chubby and cute! Just like my little bug!”

“I’m not chubby!” He complained, giggling. “Just cute.”

The house smelled like flowers and candle wax, and had a more solemn feel to it. It was easy to assume Mina’s body had returned from the morgue and was already in the house. I walked with Owen to the kitchen, hearing the clinking of silverware and glasses.

“There you are, good morning!” Terry greeted. “Sit and eat, Susan just made some eggs. Do you like eggs, Owen?”

“Yes, I’d like some, please.” He sat down, folding his hands in his lap, waiting to be served.

As soon as I saw that he was happily eating, I turned to Terry.

“Where’s Victor?” I whispered.

“In the living room.” She answered with a nod. “Spent all night in there. I told him to go to bed, but he didn’t want to leave her alone.”

“Will you-”

“I’ll take care of Owen. Go see if you can convince him to have some breakfast.”

I entered the living room like it was a church, and for a moment I thought I heard an echo of my footsteps. Victor was sitting in the chair next to the coffin, lost in thought. His eyes showed the familiar traces of a night spent awake.

I stood in place for a moment, not knowing what to do, when the realization hit me. For the first time in years, I was afraid to get closer to him. It was like we had gone back to the days when he was simply a CEO, and I an intern, and all the steps we had made to get to where we were before had magically vanished. I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t know him anymore and he didn’t want me anymore.

My mind scolded my heart for having such thoughts. I was being selfish, getting my feelings in the way of what I should do as a wife. I had married that man, all of him, the good and the bad. Would I be the kind of person who cowers when things get rough? Hell no.

I sat beside him, expecting to be sent away, but I wouldn’t let that deter me. Wanting me there or not, my husband would know I would always be there for him. I couldn’t promise to be perfect, but I did vow to be loyal.

“Did you spend the night in here?” I tried.

He blinked, as if he was emerging from his thoughts, and by his expression, they were very painful ones.

“I did.” He paused for a moment. “Did… you and Owen sleep well?”

Maybe he was overly emotional, or simply exhausted, but I could feel him letting his guard down for a second. He reminded me of a wounded animal somehow, too afraid to ask for help, suspicious of the world that hurt him in the first place. I would have to tread lightly.

“Yes.” I nodded. “If you want to, I can be with her for a moment, while you get something to eat. You skipped dinner.”

I grimaced internally as I saw his poker face return. I had spoken too much, called out on his fragility, and God forbid Victor would admit he wasn’t doing well in any way.

“No need.” He dismissed me. “I’m fine.”

“At least let me-” I motioned to take Victor’s hand, words failing me as I saw him pull his hand away.

I knew the cold version of Victor, the one with all the walls, feelings kept inside hidden, away from the world. But the walls he had built had cracks, and the light seeping through those cracks was exactly what made me fall in love with him. It showed me that, even though he did his best to conceal his loving and sensitive spark, it was there and it was very bright. It was just a defense mechanism, because when Victor felt, he felt very strongly and very deeply. I had never seen him like this, the walls so thick no light would show. And it was starting to become clear he had no intention of letting me in.

“Victor...” I felt my eyes sting.

“I can’t.” His voice was merely a whisper.

It seemed to be a thing of ours now, letting unspoken words fall heavy on us. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t need to, anyway. I walked out of the living room, my mind doing its best to numb itself. It felt too painful to think or to feel.

I became fully alert when I heard Terry speak from the kitchen.

“I beg of you, now is not the time.”

"Do I need to remind you this place used to belong to me? That I let you live here for free? Is that how you thank me?” I heard him chastise his sister.

God, no. It had been almost a year since I had last seen him.

I opened the door slowly, hoping I had heard wrong. But there he was, in his expensive fur coat, the same expression of someone who doesn’t have time to bother with anything but himself. Terry was pale as a ghost, leaning against the wall, while my son sat at the table, seemingly confused with the interaction.

"Since my son won’t bother to call his own father, I thought I would see him here. He has always been fond of the housekeeper, for some reason.”

“What do you want, Gregory?” I spoke, protectively resting my hand on Owen’s shoulder.

“Finally, someone who can be of use.” He turned to me with a condescending look, like I was one of his servants. “Where 's my son?”

Oh, no, you won’t.

“What do you want with Victor?” I challenged. “I’m sure it isn’t to apologize for the way you behaved at our wedding.”

“Children should honor their parents, not the opposite.” He looked at my side, to my son, with an amused smile. “Speaking of which, I see you brought your stray.”

I was suddenly blinded by rage, ready to go for his throat if he dared to speak another word. How dared he insult my son? I wasn’t a violent person, but I suddenly became thirsty for blood, eager to put that bitch of a sperm donor in his place. I was stopped by Victor’s icy voice, coming from behind me.

“Leave.”

Victor didn’t look angry. In fact, he looked calm and composed, and if someone saw this scene from afar, they would probably mistake it for an amicable interaction. However, everyone in the room could feel Victor’s menacing aura, like he was a dangerous beast ready to attack, only waiting for the right moment. I instinctively pulled Owen behind me, expecting bloodshed.

“I will not be told what-”

“I said. Leave.” Victor’s voice was contained, but menacing. “You will not disrespect my family.”

He was laser-focused, in full control of his body, his eyes full of danger yet his expression cold and detached. Every muscle, every breath, every thought was now aimed at his father, and it was clear he wouldn’t hesitate to shred him to pieces if he felt the need. I didn’t know this Victor at all, and to be honest, I didn’t want to see him again. I knew I couldn’t possibly imagine the things he was capable of.

Gregory apparently could, or at least recognized the real danger of the situation, as he cleared his throat and gave a discreet step back.

“Probably for the best. I’ll leave you to mourn the housekeeper.”

Josh had told me all that had happened between Gregory and Victor right before our wedding, and how close the old man was to get his nose broken by his son, so it was surprising to see that he was still trying to provoke him. I braced myself for a stormy reaction from Victor. None came. Victor kept his steely eyes and cold demeanor, not moving one inch.

“I’m sure you can see yourself out.”

Terry and I watched Victor in awe, surprised the old man would live to see another day. The hot tension in the kitchen lingered, as Victor kept his eyes focused on his father, watching him slowly walk away.

“Who was that man?” Owen peeked from behind me.

Victor turned to his son, the tension from the previous interaction not fully gone.

“You are not to listen to a single word that bastard says, do you understand me?” His authoritative, icy tone made Owen flinch.

“Yes, Sir.”

I wasn’t sure if Victor had heard Owen’s answer, as he returned to the living room without another word.

The funeral was simple and tasteful, with very few people, including me and Victor. It was odd, knowing Mina, that the funeral would have such low attendance. She was such a loving and caring woman, it would be expected that the world would honor her existence. As it sometimes happens with the purest things in life, Mina’s death seemed to be ignored.

However, all present paid respects to the deceased, either by saying a few words or reading a passage of some book they liked. Until it was Victor’s turn.

He got up quietly, steadily, like he would when he was in a business meeting. But I could see the twitch of his fingers, the sad look in his eyes. It was clear that, although seemingly composed, Victor had a raging war inside him. He took a piece of paper from his suit jacket’s pocket and started reading.

“Whillemina Jordan was born on October 11th, 1949, in Loveland. Her dream was to become an actress, but when her father fell ill with a mysterious bone disease, she had to work to feed the family, so her mother could take care of her siblings. During her life...”

Victor paused for a moment, staring at the paper. He folded it back in, putting it in his pocket. For some reason, he had decided to speak from the heart.

“Mina was a loving and caring woman. She was forgiving, never entertaining a single negative feeling in her heart. But most of all, she was wise. She had the kind of wisdom that cannot be attained through education, but only through the course of a painful life. And yet, she had nothing but love and joy to give. Mina.” Victor paused again, his voice faltering almost inaudibly. “You will be missed.”

I could see it perfectly. In that small pause existed the silent goodbye that Victor wasn’t yet able to say. It entailed sweet childhood memories and caring moments, the ones only shared between a mother and her child. It entailed all of the moments that were yet to come, when Victor would need a mother figure, and miss her. It also entailed the hug that Victor wanted to give her, the words he meant to say to her, the moments that never came to be. I could feel Victor’s sorrow deep in my heart, so I moved to the piano, letting it spill all over the piano keys.

It dawned on me later that, even not being able to make a family of her own, she did have a family: except for Victor, there wasn’t a dry face in that funeral. Mina did have loved ones, we were right there, crying for her. And she had a son, who gave up on control momentarily to honor her, who carried her casket and stayed behind until the very end, when most people had left the cemetery.

We drove straight home, in silence, Owen drifting off in the back. The reality of our situation came rushing back as we got closer to Loveland. The lawsuit, our fight, all of that filled the silence between us, and it became impossible to breathe. We walked into the apartment without a word, and i took our son straight to his bedroom to put him in bed.

“Isn’t Dad going to kiss me goodnight?” There was a deep sadness in the boy’s voice.

I looked at the door behind me, waiting for Victor to come and lean on the doorframe, like he did every night. The doorframe remained painfully lonely.

“Dad is probably tired, he must have gone to bed already.” I downplayed it with a forced smile. “You’ll talk to him in the morning.”

“Dad would never go to bed without kissing me goodnight.” Owen spat at me. “You won’t tell me, but I know he’s mad at me. Whatever I did, it wasn’t on purpose!”

I held my son’s face between my hands, staring deeply at the desperation in his eyes.

“Listen to me, Bug.” I spoke to his pain, wanting to send it away. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Your father is sad, and he doesn’t know how to express it. It’s not your fault.”

Big brown eyes stared at me, and I felt him relax.

“Go to bed, get some sleep.” I pecked his forehead. “You have school tomorrow.”

“Ok.” He buried himself in the comforter. “Goodnight Mom.”

“Goodnight, my little bug.”

I closed the door to Owen’s room slowly, trying to placate myself. This had gone too far. I could accept that Victor was hurting, I could accept that he was angry at me and I probably deserved the punishment he was giving me, I could even accept that he kept me at bay. But hurting my son? I would not accept that.

I went to the bedroom, only to find it empty. When I reached the main hallway, I saw the light in the study was on. He was probably in there, drinking. Disregarding our son. Disregarding me. It was getting harder and harder for me to keep calm. I opened the study door unceremoniously. As I expected, he had taken his tie and suit jacket off and was helping himself with some whiskey.

“You’re drinking?” I gave him an accusatory look. “Your son is in bed, worrying about why his father didn’t even bother to kiss him goodnight, and you are here drinking?”

“Not now, Andrea.” He sighed in annoyance. And then I saw the exhaustion in his eyes.

Victor was shutting me out, putting on a brave face, but this was the man that carried his mother’s casket. This was the man that lost the one person that held him through it all his whole life and was also at risk of losing his son. This was the man whose father only wanted to hurt, and not to comfort. And although I was right there, he probably couldn’t help but feel lonely. I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

“Look, I know this is a very hard day for you, and I understand, I really do.” I looked at him earnestly, waiting for him to meet my gaze. “I know who you lost. But our son needs you.”

Victor turned away, deciding to ignore me.

“Look, I know we had a fight and I know you are angry at me. But we can sort this out. I’m right here, talk to me.”

“Are you?” He asked with a bitter voice. “Are you really? Because two days ago you weren’t even sure you wanted to keep our son. Are you sure you want to keep us?”

“Oh no, you don’t get to make accusations like that!” I raised my voice, the rage coming full force now. “I am not the one running away to lick my wounds, ostracizing my child in the process! You do not get to tell me I’m abandoning my family!”

“Right.” He gave me a bitter chuckle.

“Look, I know you haven’t had it easy these last two days, but guess what? Neither have I! I let you take it out on me, endured all the times you gave me the cold shoulder, smiled and reassured our son when you ignored him, I was there for my family!” The words poured out of me, raw and sharp, and I found I couldn’t stop them. “I understand you are hurting, and I am sorry! I’m sorry your mother left you, I am sorry that your father is a narcissistic prick, and I am sorry that the woman that practically raised you died. Hell, I’m even sorry that I didn’t meet your impossible standards, but that does not give you the right to ignore our son and break his heart! You are acting just like your father!”

I covered my mouth with a gasp, appalled with the words that had just come out of my mouth. Of all the blows, this one was the cheapest. And also the deadliest. I watched Victor freeze in place, his eyes on the ground, fully aware that the moment he would look up, I would see the rage in them.

“Leave.” His tone was monotonous, yet sharp as a knife.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Let’s just-”

“I said LEAVE!” He roared. “NOW!

I jumped when I heard the loud crash right beside me, unable to register what it was. Until I saw the glass in shards on the floor, the wall behind me dripping with whiskey. His outburst triggered something in me, and I bolted out of the study. I leaned against the bedroom wing’s wall, trying hard to steady my shaking body and catch a breath, when I saw Owen next to me.

“What happened?” He looked at me with tears in his eyes. I immediately forgot my own fright and went straight to comforting mode.

“It’s ok, my sleepy bug, everything is alright.” I said, after quickly wiping my tears. “Go to bed, it’s late.”

“Did he hurt you?” He sobbed.

“No, he wouldn’t do that.” I reassured the boy. “He’s just upset, that’s all.”

“Can you sleep with me tonight? I’m scared.” He begged.

“Just for tonight, agreed? Ok, off to bed we go, tomorrow you have to be up bright and early.”

As Owen climbed into bed, I shut myself in his bathroom for a moment. All of this was surreal. This wasn’t Victor. Victor would never do that, he would never act like that, he would never be violent, or turn his back on the people he loved or shatter a glass against a wall, no matter how dire things were… Would he?

I quickly took a hand towel from a drawer and stuffed it in my mouth, trying to conceal the wrenching sobs I could no longer keep in, as I considered a second option. Maybe Victor hadn’t changed, the circumstances did. Maybe he found it easy to turn his back on me because our fight the day before had been the last blow in our relationship. My husband could be that unforgiving if pushed hard enough. I let myself slide to the ground, unable to keep myself up, the anguish taking full force. I had lost him. I was losing it all. Owen and Victor. My whole life. All the reasons to be happy.

I left the bathroom a while later, empty of tears. Owen had fallen asleep in the meantime, but I laid next to him anyway. I wanted to make the best of these moments, even if they were bittersweet, because I would probably no longer have them. I hugged my sleeping boy tight, burying my nose in his curls, treasuring him the best I could.

When people pass away, we feel sad that we didn’t get to say goodbye, like goodbye is something that needs to be heard to be acknowledged. That’s a lie. Goodbyes can be a mere hesitation. Goodbyes can be a glass shattered against a wall. And even though they aren’t voiced, even when they are silent, they can still hold an ocean of words in them, and mean the end of a marriage.

#victor mldd #angsty victor #mlqc victor #love and producer fanfic #li zeyan #Growing Pains - Series #growingtogether #victor x oc

[dontcare77ghj]

Guilt

Steve x reader x Bucky x Peggy

Your relationship with Bucky, Steve and Peggy was the worst kept secret of the war.

Everyone knew, even though you all believed them to be clueless to your love.

It was not difficult for people to find out. Many had witnessed the softer moments of your relationship. They walked in on innocent embraces, passionate kisses, and moments of weakness they only saw when the four of you were together. 

Though, it was not to be said some people had not walked in on much more private, intimate, moments.

In 1945 those around Peggy, Bucky, and Steve watched the three retreat into their relationship after Y/N L/N fell from a train. Peggy herself had not been on the mission, but she had to watch her boys suffer in their grief. Bucky and Steve, unfortunately, had been on the operation, and they blamed themselves for Y/N plummeting from the train. 

It was less than two months later when Steve and Bucky crashed the Valkyrie into the ocean.

Peggy threw herself into her work. She was a strong woman. Peggy refused to allow herself to give in to her grief.

It was not even a month later before Howard approached Peggy with a proposition. He offered to inject Peggy with the same serum he'd used on Bucky and Steve.

Peggy said yes, not giving it a second thought.

It turns out being injected with the serum came with consequences. It was 2012, and Peggy had not aged since 1945.

There were many positives to Peggy's immortality. Peggy had helped build S.H.I.E.LD. up and had become godmother to Howard and Maria's son.

Peggy had also been alive when Howard and Maria were murdered, leaving her godson orphaned. 

In 2012 Peggy felt the wear of being alive for so long begin to take its toll. She was in charge of SHIELD and trying to ensure her godson did not do anything too stupid. 

She had been alone for so long, never having anyone to truly confide in as she had with her three lovers.

Until 2012. When Peggy learned that they found Steve and Bucky. And not their corpses, but their living, breathing, bodies. She had two out of her three lovers back.

The three were happy. Steve, Bucky, and Peggy been reunited after so many years, given a second chance, but they were still mourning for the loss of Y/N. Peggy had years to mourn the deaths of all her lovers, yet she never moved on. Steve and Bucky had been frozen only two months into their grieving process.

In 2014, it was suddenly revealed to the public, as well as the three, Y/N L/N was not dead. And had never been.

It had been a torturous process, finding Y/N and breaking her out of her brainwashing. It felt like years since they started the process of helping her regain her memories and who she once was.

There were many days that it almost hurt too much to watch Y/N suffer as they attempted to help her. But, knowing she was suffering worse than they were was enough for them to stay. To help Y/N become who she really was.

And they did. The four did it together because that's all these individuals really had. The four had each other. The four were finally openly together, and everything seemed perfect. Everything was perfect except for the guilt they all carried.

Steve felt the most out of the four of you. When he was smaller, during the war and after, he felt more. He felt more strongly than all of you. 

When you had fallen off the train, Steve took the blame. Though Bucky had been on the train with you both, Steve was the one to lose grip on your hand. He was the one who was not able to pull you back up, he was the one who failed to save you.

And not just from death. He was unable to save you from the trauma you were forced to live through for seven decades.

You knew how Steve felt. You loved him too much to not notice he was drowning in his guilt every time he looked at you.

And you were not the only one to notice. Bucky had, so had Peggy.

It had been a year since you fought your way out of your head and HYDRA's brainwashing, you felt you were stronger for it, but Steve still treated you as if you were a porcelain doll.

"Here, doll," Steve said, handing you a cup of tea. 

"What's this for?" You smiled, kissing his cheek in thanks.

"Just 'cos." He shrugged. "Do you need me to do anything for you?" He asked you, taking a seat next to you on the bed.

"No, Stevie. I'm fine." You smiled, curling into his side. 

"Are you sure? You don't want me to grab you anything? Make something to eat?" 

"Steve, I'm not an invalid." You said, pointedly. Your mechanic arm had malfunctioned last week, and as a result, you'd had to send it back to Shuri for repairs. She wasn't sure why it acted out as it did, she wanted to be sure nothing would happen again.

So, for the foreseeable future, you would be working with one arm. You were managing very well and living life as you usually would, but Steve had been especially attentive. Especially suffocating.

You and Steve were watching a movie while Peg and Bucky were out for the day. It was when you moved to place your cup on the bedside you let out a hiss.

"Y/N? Are you okay, doll?" Steve questioned you rapidly.

"I'm okay, Steve." You assured him, rubbing your shoulder. "My shoulder is just really sore." You said, groaning as you moved wrongly.

"Take your shirt off," Steve told you, shifting on the bed. Not saying a word you did as he asked, well demanded, and pulled your shirt off. Steve gently pushed you onto your front and straddled your lower back.

Steve gently began to massage the area, causing you to let out a breathy sigh.

"I'm sorry." Steve breathed after several minutes. "I'm so sorry."

"What for, Stevie?" You questioned him, quite confused.

"I'm the reason you fell. If I had just held on, you wouldn't have been tortured for all those years. You would still have both your arms." He said, hands stilling as he spoke.

"Steve, I don't blame you for any of that." You told him, crawling out from under him.

"You should," Steve muttered, not meeting your eyes.

"I don't." You said firmly. "The train was not your fault. I fell, anyone could have. And you can't blame yourself for anything HYDRA did to me." 

"But I could have saved you," Steve said, looking at you sadly.

"It's not your job." You assured him. "And I don't want you torturing yourself over things you couldn't control. You're not allowed to feel guilty for this. I won't let you."

"I don't think you can just tell me what to feel." Steve managed a laugh.

"Watch me." You smiled, taking his hand. "Steve, I'm fine. I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay for a long time. Okay?"

"Okay." He finally smiled.

Non-reader POV

Peggy did not feel as much as Steve did. Steve felt every emotion and let them take control of his entire being. But Peggy rarely allowed her feelings to take control of herself. Especially the negative ones.

During the seventy years Peggy had been alone, Peggy had spent her time building SHIELD up into the organization it was today. Peggy had focused her grief into attempting to destroy HYDRA.  It was because of HYDRA she had lost the three people she loved. 

After finding out the three of you were still alive, Peggy backed away from SHIELD to watch over the three of you. She entrusted SHIELD into Fury and his team's hands. 

And then SHIELD fell. It fell into HYDRA's disgusting hands.

Everything Peggy had worked for, for seventy years, had all been for naught. With the fall of SHIELD, any real SHIELD agents had to run. Identities were changed, safe houses were at maximum capacity, and lives were broken.

Peggy, Steve, Y/N, and Bucky had all had to run. HYDRA was coming, and Peggy refused to allow them to touch anything else she held dear. Again.

The four had a home of their own that could not be traced back to any of them. They had kept the place clean, furnished, stocked with enough food, and drink to survive the end of the world, but they rarely had time to stay.

It had been a week since the four had arrived at their home. Peggy had enjoyed their slip into domesticity, they all had, but she was still punishing herself.

"Who's winning?" Bucky asked, appearing behind Peggy. Peggy was standing at the window watching as Steve, and Y/N playfully spared in the fro\nt yard. 

"Neither. Y/N's pulling her punches, and Steve's trying to let Y/N win." Peggy hummed as Bucky wrapped his arms around her waist. 

"What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?" Bucky questioned Peggy, punctuating the question with a kiss to her temple. "What are you thinking about?"

"SHIELD." Peggy sighed, not willing to lie to the man.

"Doll." Bucky sighed.

"I know, I know, I shouldn't make myself sick over this, but I can't help it," Peggy said, leaning back in his hold.

"Peg, what happened to SHIELD was not your fault," Bucky told her. "SHIELD was my responsibility. For seventy years, I was in charge, I leave for a couple years, and the whole thing falls apart. If I had been around, I could have prevented everything." Peggy argued.

"Peg, I don't know if you want to hear this, but SHIELD's been rotting for a long time. You couldn't notice because HYDRA are sneaky bastards, and it's their job." Bucky reasoned with the woman.

"I should have known," Peggy complained. "I dedicated seventy years to SHIELD, how did I not see it was crumbling right under my feet?"

"Because HYDRA is good at that," Bucky told her. "We know better than anyone what they're capable of. We know what they do, and we know how good they are at it."

"I keep thinking if maybe I hadn't backed so far off, if maybe I had kept an eye on SHIELD, I could have seen what was coming and stopped it."

"So, you're saying if you could go back to when you made the decision to back away, you'd stay?" Bucky asked her.

"No. No, I wouldn't be able to do that." Peggy shook her head. "I love you three too much to distance myself from you."

"You can't go back, Peg. What's happened has happened. The only way to go now is forward." 

"Maybe you should start writing Steve's speeches." Peggy giggled, causing the man to also laugh.

"Better?" Bucky asked her.

"Much." Peggy smiled, leaning up to kiss the man. "Let's bring those two in." She suggested.

Bucky had a firm grip on his emotions. Always had. Back in the forties, Buck was the one always looking after everyone. He took care of Steve, who was forever sick, made Peggy take a day off every now and then, and he would always be the one to comfort Y/N after dealing with her mother.

Bucky was a caretaker. He didn't focus on his own emotions as much as he did with those around them.

"New phones for all." Tony declared, passing out a box filled with new Stark phones.

"Very nice, Stark." Y/N commented, taking one of the phones and passing the box down.

"I aim to please." Tony smiled, making himself a drink. "It's top of the line, not available to the public, and only for this team. It's got all the best features, and even better, it's got a holographic projector."

"Why do you need a projector?" Bucky asked, fiddling with the phone.

"No-one needs a projector. It's just a perk." Tony shrugged. 

Hours later, Bucky was seated in the bedroom the four of you shared when staying at the tower. He was sat on the bed, staring at Stark's new phone.

The once glimmering, brand new item now had several deep cracks, and he couldn't get it to turn on anymore.

Bucky attempted to press the button one more time, and when it didn't turn on again, he threw the phone at a wall just as Steve entered.

"Buck! It's just me!" Steve yelped, jumping away from the shattered phone.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't see you coming in." Bucky sighed, resting his head in his hands.

"Buck, you just got this a couple hours ago," Steve said, examining the remains of the phone.

"Yeah, and it was fucking broken or something." The brunette grumbled.

"Did you tell Tony?" Steve asked, picking up the pieces and putting them on the bedside.

"No, I didn't. The phone was broken when I got it, I swear." Bucky said, looking up. "It's okay, I'll just use my old one. I know how to use that one, at least."

"Tony's phone isn't that hard to use. He had to show me how to use the projector feature, but it's pretty simple to use otherwise." Steve shrugged

"Of course, it's fucking simple for you." Bucky snapped. "Everything's always so simple for you and everyone around me."

"Buck, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm sorry." Steve said, going to leave the room.

"Wait, no, Steve, I'm so sorry." Bucky apologized, jumping to his feet. "I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to say that."

"Want to tell me where that came from?" Steve questioned him, turning around and folding his arms across his chest. "How long have you been bottling that up?"

"Too long." Bucky sighed, sitting back on the bed.

"What's going on, Buck? None of us have seen you in hours, and you've been in a mood since Tony gave you the phone." Steve said, taking a seat next to the man.

"I can't catch up. You and Y/N and Peg, you're all catching up so quickly. I get Peg, she was able to evolve with it. Hell, I even understand how Y/N can keep up. But I just get so jealous when I can't keep up, and you can." Bucky admitted, cheeks burning red as he refused to look at him. "I feel like I'm still stuck in the forties, Steve."

"Oh, Buck." Steve cooed, shifting closer to the man and grasping his hand tightly. 

"I'm sorry, Steve. I'm sorry I'm acting like this." Bucky apologized. "I shouldn't be jealous that everyone's acclimating, but I am, and I hate it."

"Buck, it's nothing to be ashamed about. We lost seventy years of our lives, and we never spoke to anyone. We never addressed it. You're allowed to be slow with modern advances, and it's nothing for you to feel bad about." Steve soothed, pushing hair from Bucky's face.

"Are you sure?" Bucky asked meekly.

"Positive." Steve smiled. "And I promise I'm going to help you. It'll be discreet, and no one will have to know if that's what you want."

"I'd like that Stevie." Bucky leaned over to kiss the man. "Thank you."

"Of course, James." Steve smiled. "But there is one thing you're going to have to do on your own."

"What's that?"

"You're going to have to tell Tony you broke your phone."

Reader POV

In the forties, you had been the most carefree. Never really caring what anyone said, apart from the comments your mother spewed, you didn't care what people thought. 

You wore pants before it was accepted, proudly held hands with any of your partners, and you gladly got into fistfights in alleys with Steve.

You never felt bad when people would complain about how unladylike you were. You would never feel guilty when your mother would cry about how you would never give her grandchildren because you weren't going to attract any men if you wore pants. 

You liked who you were, and each of your partners enjoyed how carefree you were.

After breaking free from your mind control, this was no longer the case. You weren't as carefree as you once were. Emotions ruled you, especially guilt. 

Guilt over everything you'd ever been forced to do while under HYDRA's control.

Therapy had been a help. The therapist Tony recommended had helped you see it wasn't your fault what had happened. The therapy had brought back some of your carefreeness, and you were starting to remember who you used to be.

You had been warned from the beginning that it wouldn’t just be good days. There would always be bad days, it was just the therapists hope that they would soon lessen.

She was right, they did lessen. The time periods between the bad days grew and could be months apart from each other, but they still came back.

Today was a bad day.

As soon as you awoke, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy today. Everything felt heavy. Everything hurt. Even though it was a warm summer day, you found yourself donning a long sleeve shirt and usual glove.

You couldn’t stand the sight of your arm that day.

“Darling, you’re going to give yourself heatstroke. At least take the gloves off.” Peggy said.

“No, it’s okay. I’m not that hot.” You denied, pulling your sleeves further down as you grabbed a Coke.

“Darling you’re sweating.” Peggy pointed out. “Y/N, do we need to call Yasmin? Do you need another session?”

“No. I don’t need another session.” You said quickly. “I’m fine, Peg.”

“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to lie about the bad days, Y/N.” Peggy said, moving behind you. “We’re here to help you.”

“Well you shouldn't be.” You snapped, spinning around. “You’re all wasting your time on me when you could all be doing better things.”

“Y/N, darling, that’s simply not true.” Peggy said, moving closer. “We’re not wasting time on you. We love you.”

“You love a murderer. A disgrace of a human being.” You scoffed, eyes stinging as you looked away.

“You did not kill anyone. HYDRA is responsible for those deaths, not you.” Peggy forcefully told you. “Y/N, we are not wasting time. We love you. We have loved you for seventy years and no matter what has happened to you, we are not running. We’re in this ‘til the end of the line.” Peggy said, stepping forward and grabbing your hands in hers.

“I’ve killed people, Peggy.” You whimpered. “I’ve killed a lot of people.”

“It wasn’t you, darling.” Peggy shushed you, squeezing your flesh hand as she took off the glove on your metal hand. “And we’re not scared of you. You don’t need to carry all this on your own anymore.”

Peggy took another step forward and pulled you into her arms. As her arms wrapped around your body, your knees gave out and you had to hold onto the Brit for strength. 

“Do you want me to call Yasmin?” She asked you again.

“No.” You shook your head. “I just want you and our boys.”

“Okay.” Peggy whispered, pressing a kiss to your crown. “How about you head back to bed, think about changing, and I’ll get them from the training room?”

“Okay.” You nodded. “I love you, Peg.” You murmured, quickly kissing her cheek before walking back to the bedroom.

Guilt was an easy emotion. Everyone felt it, but not everyone got over it. It was a good thing the four of you had each other.

The four of you were the worst kept secret of the war, Avengers, family and each others. And only one of those titles really mattered.

Taglist

@rvgrsbrns @smilexcaptainx @hopingforbarnes @starlingelliot @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @jelly-fishy-babie @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @reann-loves-sebstan @skadikh @summergeezburr

#Steve Rogers #steve x reader #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #peggy carter #peggy x reader #peggy carter x reader #peggy carter x you #peggy carter x y/n #stucky x reader #stucky #captain america #captain america x reader #Winter Solider #winter soldier x reader #steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader x peggy carter #avengers #avengers x reader #avengers x you #avengers x fem!reader #poly!avengers x reader

[sauceracha]

[ love you louder ]

seo changbin x reader || toxic thoughts || 1.7k

WARNINGS: heavy selfhate thoughts | anxiety/panic attack mention | possibly triggering topics | angst

AN: I wrote this one day that I felt like the world was caving in on me. I wrote how I felt and wrote what I would had like to hear and what people who care about me did to help me out. I know anxiety attacks are different for everyone so please remember, this is just fiction. Not an advice or a guide on how to act in a situation like this. Also if I’m missing any tw please let me know, I wasn’t sure how to tw this. Hope you enjoy this

__________________________________________

He shouldn’t have come. You knew, from the moment he said he was coming over, that it was a mistake. That calling him was a mistake. That no one could stop this. He should have stayed away.

You tried convincing him, tried telling him that it wasn’t a big deal. But the moment Changbin heard your shaky voice through the phone, he had already made up his mind.

Half an hour later, he showed up on your doorstep, a bag of groceries in one hand and a friendly smile on his face. You tried to smile at him before letting him in. Going against all the voices screaming at you to close the door and hide.

You knew that was your mistake. Of course you knew, this is all your fault.

It all started with three words : “I love you”

The world stopped moving.

No, he doesn’t.

“No, you don’t” You chuckled uncomfortably, eyes looking down to your hands.

His expression fell for a second, before a changing back again. His eyes fixed on yours, grabbing your hands lovingly. “Yes, I do love you”

He doesn’t love you.

You pulled your hands from his, like if they were burning you. “You don’t know what you are saying” Standing up suddenly, putting as much space as you could between you too. He’s lying.

“What? Y/n what’s going on? ” He stood up, trying to get closer, a confused and worried look on his eyes. “Can we talk about this?” You could see the anguish in his expression as he tried to meet your eyes.

He can’t love you.

Why did he have to say that? You both were fine, just sitting on the couch, cuddling as you ate your way through all the snacks he had bought. You were actually starting to feel better. It had actually felt like letting him in would have help.

But things are never easy. Not with you, they aren’t

“Y-You need to leave... now” You kept looking at everything but him. Trying to keep the thoughts at bay, but you weren’t that strong. The same dark feelings that had been roaming your mind all day started murmuring again in your head. You really think he can love you? You? You are nothing. He must be playing you. Who could love someone like you? You are disgusting, no one could ever love you. He’s lying.

After what felt like hours, but it might have been just seconds, you looked up. Seeing Changbin looking at you with such a worried and scared gaze broke something inside you. He has to leave. “Why are you still here? Changbin leave”

He looked at you surprised that you even spoke to him. He saw the way your whole demeanor changed the moment the cofession was out. It actually slipped from his mouth without him meaning to. It wasn’t that he didn’t love you, it was just that he didn’t meant to say it at that point.

He knew it wasn’t the perfect moment, but he never expected you to react that way. He saw the panic in your eyes the moment you realized he actually meant it. He could feel how you were starting to pull away from him, closing your walls and leaving him out. He knew that if he lets you go at this point, there was no turning back. “No, I won’t.” His voice tried cutting its way towards you. “Let’s talk about this”

Why is he doing this?

“Don’t you understand? I want to be alone” LEAVE!

“No~” Changbin’s voice was as firm as his posture. ”~you are just trying to push me away but I won’t leave you. Not like this...” His dark eyes fixed on you, back straight, feet planted firmly on the floor. With his muscles tensed, his body looked ready to give a fight but his eyes held the same tenderness they always did when looking at you.

You don’t deserve it

Coming from deep inside you, a sudden rage filled your veins. Dark, fast, and hot. Unshed tears clouded your sight. Hands tensing. Fucking Changbin, leave already!

Your whole body started trembling as you moved towards him. “Don’t you get it?! I don’t feel nothing for you! Get it through your thick skull and leave already!” Your hands pushed him back, hard. Some tears escaped your eyes as you watched him stumble a few steps back but still stood straight again. His determination was not wavering as he looked back at you.

“No” Why?! “You are lying, this is not you, and I won’t leave” His worried eyes tried to meet yours.

“Fucking asshole! Why are you doing this?! I don’t love you! I want you gone!” Your voice quivered. Every breath started to feel like there were a thousand needles inside your lungs. Your whole body trembled. Your fists tighten, your nails piercing the skin of your palms as you tried to hold yourself together.

“y/n~” his whole demeanour flaked as he watched you break down right in front of him. He took a step forward, reaching out to you. You suddenly turned, stepping back from him.

“No! Shut up!” Lies! All the voices in your head started screaming. Everything is a lie! You could feel the dark thoughts climbing up to the surface. You know how this ends. All your insecurities were filling you up, drowning your heart. He’s lying. Tears were spilling down your cheeks. He doesn’t love you. You gripped your hair in both your hands, trying to turn the voices down. Nobody loves you. “Nobody loves me…” your voice just above a whisper. He is lying. He doesn’t love you. He can’t love you. He’ll leave. Everyone leaves.

Changbin’s mind was running a hundred miles per second, he felt useless. Just watching you break down in front of his eyes. He saw the tears running down your face, the way your whole body shaked, how your eyes were unfocused, like if you weren’t with him right then. He could almost see the pieces of yourself shattering to the grown and he didn’t know what to do. He needed to do something.

“y/n…” He tried to be as soft as he could, his voice just a murmur as he slowly made his way towards you. “~please… I-let me help you.” He tried to keep the pain out of his voice. Tried to keep the tears at bay behind his eyes. As much as he tried, Changbin wasn’t a great actor and you knew him too well.

You did that to him, he’s in pain because of you.

You ruin everything.

You hurt everyone

“I can’t Changbin… y-you need to leave, I-I can’t do this to you. I-I can’t, I’m sorry~” your voice started getting frantic as you realized that. Your eyes found his teary ones. You could see the pain and worry reflected on them. You hurt him. ”I’m s-so sorry, I never meant to~ I can’t, Changbin I’m sorry. I never meant to do this to you. Y-you don’t deserve this. I-I’m so s-sorry~" You kept looking at him, ashamed and scared of what you might end up doing to him. The shaking started getting worse, tears falling harder. He needed to know, he needed to know you didn’t want to hurt him. You only hurt people. That’s the only thing you are good at.

He saw it coming, the way your voice softened and your hands lost their grip. He rushed to you as your legs gave up, making you tumble to the floor. He held you tightly, breaking your fall as much as he could as he sat down on the floor with you. His arms wrapped around you, he softly tried to calm you down. You could feel the tension emanating from his body. Could feel the slight tremors running down his body. Broken, you broke him.

It was as if he could hear the thoughts running through your mind. His arms slowly pulled you on his lap, hands guiding your head to rest over his chest. “It’s okay, I won’t leave. It’s okay, I’ll stay here” His voice was as firm as he could manage, yet gentle, as if he was trying not to break the sudden calmness inside you. Your tears kept falling down, your body still trembled, but it started feeling as if your mind was actually listening to him. Just focusing on his voice. “I’m choosing to stay right here, with you. I won’t leave, it’s okay. We are okay, y/n...”

No, he’ll leave! Everyone does! Cause you ruin everything, everything you touch! You can’t be loved. No one should love you! You felt the same dark feeling tightening around your heart. Your mind started to deny every single word that slipped past his lips. “N-No one can love me Changbin, I’m too… I’m…”

Bad.

Insignificant.

Forgettable.

Broken.

Lost.

Unlovable.

Before you could continue, he gripped your chin making you look into his eyes, interrupting anything that was running through your mind. “I can love you” His voice, firm and sure, and just as his eyes, full of determination. “I’ll show you, you can be loved. I’ll love you when you can’t love yourself~” He kisses your forehead softly as he hugs you closer, as if he was trying to hide you from the darkness surrounding you. Resting his chin over your head, his eyes closing tight, trying hard to keep his tears back. “~I’ll love you so loudly, you won’t hear the hating voices in your head. I’ll love you so profusely that there’s no room for your emptiness. I’ll love you so strongly, your scars won’t open. I’ll love you so much, I’ll end up teaching you how to love yourself.”

A spark ignited in the darkness.

The coldness was still attached to your heart, but it’s grip slipping ever so slightly.

Maybe…

“W-what if you can’t… fix me?” You were silent for so long, your voice such a soft murmur, so soft you weren’t sure if it wasn’t just a thought. Changbin’s hand caressed your back slowly as he answered.

“I won’t try to fix you. I’ll just love you long enough, that you’ll be able to heal yourself.” Silence filled up the room as Changbin held you. Every toxic thought slowly dissipating in the warmth of his arms and the lullaby of his heart beating just under your ear. Eyes closed, your heart slowly started calming. Your whole body melts against the man who held you.

Seconds, minutes, hours might have passed…

“Bin?…” you heard him make a soft noise, just enough for you to know he was listening. You knew this isn’t the end of this, that this is just a moment of peace in the middle of a storm and that you still have the voices, the thoughts and that even if they now are silent, they are there. Lurking inside you. Waiting to come back and drown you again. But maybe, for now, you didn’t need to fight them on your own. “~please, don’t leave”

“Never, I swear” Good.

__________________________________________

Tags: @channiewoo ♥️

#changbin fic #tw anxiety #changbin x reader #Changbin x gender neutral reader #seo changbin au #skz angst #stray kids changbin fic #skz fanfic #saucy.gifs #saucy.writes #stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids scenario #stray kids fic