#I was considering getting an apartment to myself but the thought of crushing loneliness makes me .

[garden-of-gay]

You're On Your Own Kid

Summary: A fic inspired by the Taylor Swift song of the same name in which Eddie helps Steve heal from the loneliness left by his parents.

Did I read all the lyrics to the song and proceed to write this entire fic based on the storyline it created in my head maybe? Does it make total sense, probably not, did this fic get away from me? Definitely

Summer Went Away

As the heat of August had winded down and the chill autumn breeze rolled in, the kids had gotten back to school and back to a pretty normal life, as normal as possible for Hawkins. However for Steve, things still haven’t returned to normal. Sure, he had healed from the demobats and had gotten back to slaving away at Family Video with Robin but, the one thing he had not prepared for…….. was the presence of one Eddie Munson. 

-

It had been 7 months since Eddie Munson had come crashing into his life in all his dramatic glory, and uprooted everything Steve thought he knew about himself. It had been a muggy day in July when he decided to broach the subject with the one person he knew he could talk to….Robin

-

“Hey Robs?” said Steve

“What’s up Dingus?” replied Robin

Steve glanced around the empty store before continuing

“You’ve never liked a guy right”

Robin sighed, “Steve we have been over this, I like women and women only”  

“Okay, okay but like… what if you thought you only liked girls but then there was a guy…..?” Steve got more and more nervous as Robin stared at him saying nothing

“You know this is just like a hypothetical, a weird question, you know forget I said anything” he said before panicking and laughing to try to cover it. Robin took that as her cue to finally say something

“Oh dingus” she replied gently

Steve could feel the tears building threatening to spill over but he wouldn’t let them, not here, not ever, “Harrington’s DON'T CRY!'' his fathers voice echoed in his mind and he willed the tears away.  

“I think, I like a guy and I don’t know what to do because I thought I liked girls and girls only but then Ed– a guy has been talking to me and I think I might like him. “ he told her

“Well, that's okay, we don’t have to put a label on anything until you feel comfortable but when I was figuring it out myself I read up on bisexuality. It's where you like both that might be you? It might not but…… what I do know is that I love you, you dingus and you’ll figure it out” she told him before crushing him in a hug.

“You good?” She asked

“Yeah…. no, but I will be, thanks Robs” Steve said

 Then a customer walked in and they broke apart going back to their job earning a strange look from the customer and a small smile from Robin.

-

It had been two months since that conversation, summer was whisked away and yet Steve’s yearning was still ever present. Robin gave him some stuff on bisexuality and had comfortably adopted the label as his own.

Robin had also in that time learned through deduction that the person Steve had a burning crush on was none other than Eddie Munson.

She took great joy in teasing Steve for his attempts to be cool and suave around Eddie while he failed miserably she even considered bringing back the You Suck, You Rule board from Scoops.

“I swear Rob’s, the Harrington charm always works but everytime I try to use it, I just turn into a stuttering mess. I think it’s broken” He said

“What’s broken?” Eddie announced 

“Steven thinks the Harrington charm is broken, because he can’t keep his cool” Robin replied

“ooOoOo, what lovely lady has caught the attention of Stevie here that is turning him into a mess?” Eddie teased

Stevie. Steve could feel his face heating up. He thought he was used to Eddie’s pet names but everytime he got used to one; Eddie would throw another at him breaking him all over again. 

“Come on Stevie, tell me who the lady is???” Eddie asked

“Ughh, no one. Like you care about my love life anyways. What do you need anyways, Munson?” Steve retorted

“I came to bother you guys because it turns out when you are an accused murderer and triple senior not a lot of people want to hire you.” He said

“Well, bother Robin all you want but I’m going to go restock movies” Steve huffed

“Awww Sweetheart, what if I came here for you not Bobbie?” Eddie teased

Steve had to take a deep breath because the thought of Eddie coming to see him specifically may cause him to combust internally. 

“Haha, very funny” He replied dryly

“You definitely missed me Harrington” Eddie teased as he turned to Steve with a cheshire grin

True to his word, Steve gathered the recent returns and began to place them back on the shelves. What he should have seen coming was Eddie following him like a shadow; pestering him as he put movies back. Occasionally Eddie would pick up a movie and make a comment about the film and scoffed at how anyone could watch it. 

“Come on Harrington, Footloose!?” Eddie asked with a mocking tone

“What, it has good music and fun dancing, what's not to love!” Steve replied

Eddie chuckled

“What, what’s so funny?” huffed Steve

“Nothing, nothing Stevie, don’t worry your pretty little head about it” He said

As Eddies words about his “pretty little head” rolled around in his mind, Steve retorted

“Whatever Munson, it’s not like your movie tastes are any better”

Eddie grabbed his chest as if he had been stabbed

“Oh you wound me Harrington, but at least I have actually taste”

“One of these days you should swing by the trailer and I’ll show you real movies and good taste”

“Fine, I’ll take you up on that Munson, when are you free” Steve asked

“Dude, I’m an unemployed super senior, I’m always free so the better question is when are YOU free?” Eddie joked

“Uhh…I have the opening shift tomorrow and the closing tonight so…Thursday?” Steve supplied

“Thursday is fine, swing by whenever you feel like” replied Eddie

“Okay, cool…I have to drop Dustin off at the Wheelers at 4 o’clock so how about I swing by around 4:30?” he asked

“Sounds good, it's a date” Eddie replied with a smile

“Yeah” Steve replied as his face once again became bright red

“Well, I will leave you to it, have a good shift sweetheart” Eddie said as he walked towards the door turning to blow a kiss to Steve before chuckling and walking out. 

Steve had about 10 seconds to process what had just happened before he heard a squeal from where Robin was standing

“Dingus!! Do you have a date!?” She exclaimed

“Uh no, Eddie just wanted to hangout and watch a movie, that's hardly a date, we do that all the time” He replied with a slight sadness in his voice.

“He’s gonna notice you, I guarantee it, there is no way he doesn’t like you” she said

“It’s okay, I’ll just wait; maybe forever if I have to but it’s okay we’re best friends anyways” He replied sadly

“Best Friends!! I thought I was your best friend!!’ Robin teased

“No, you're my separated twin and platonic soulmate, Eddie is my best friend; or maybe Dustin?” Steve joked, before mumbling about how Dustin is a brat and more like a little brother than best friend.

-

Steve hadn’t seen Eddie since Tuesday and decided that it would be a good idea to call him to confirm that their plans for the next day were still on. 

“Munson residence, you kill’em, we grill’em how can I help you?”

“Jesus Eddie! Is that how you always answer the phone” Steve exclaimed

“STEVIE, what’s up man? I thought we were on for Thursday?” Eddie asked

“Yeah, I was just calling to confirm that's all, what are you up to?” Steve said sheepishly

“I’m smoking with the band, what about you?” He replied

“Oh, I’m not doing anything, I didn’t know you had people over, sorry” Steve apologized

“Don’t worry, the boys don’t care” He chuckled causing Steve to relax a little bit

“Okay…cool, well I don’t wanna keep you” He said, despite not wanting to hang up

“What if I do, What if I want to talk to you? Hmm?” Eddie said. He had meant it to be teasing but it had come out too sincere.

Steve could hear it in his voice, the low grit that entered Eddie’s voice when he was high and starting to get properly buzzed. He touched the phone as if it was Eddie’s face and imagined that for just a moment Eddie was reaching back. He hadn’t realized he had fallen silent until Eddie spoke up.

“Hey Stevie, are you still there?”

“Yeah, yeah still here” Steve chuckled

“Good, good” Eddie, replied softly

“I didn’t choose this place and honestly dream of getting out of here” Eddie said suddenly

“Yeah?” asked Steve

“Yeah, I was dumped here after my old man got himself locked up. They placed me with Wayne, and I’ve been here since.”

“I love Wayne, but I still wouldn’t have wanted to be in this town in bumfuck Indiana, you know?”

“Yeah, I do”

Eddie chuckled “You know that there is only one reason, I’m still here in this stupid town? I mean it's not a reason as much as it's a person”

Steve softly asked “Who is it, who is keeping you here?”

“Don’t you worry about that Sweetheart, it’s not too important” Eddie replied

Steve allowed himself to imagine that maybe just maybe that person was him; the one keeping Eddie from skipping town at the earliest chance. He was pulled from his thought when he heard Eddie’s voice

“Why are you still here Harrington, it seems like you hate it here?” 

“It’s mainly the kids and Robin, you know the summers with them playing and splashing around in the sprinklers or piling around the fireplace during Christmas, letting it burn to ash only. These are the memories and things that keep me here I guess.” Steve replied, he loved the kids and Robin; loved the life he has with them. 

“Damn, Harrington I can’t argue with that” Eddie chuckled before asking

“So I guess people are the reason you stay? just like me”

Steve laughed “yeah, I guess so” Steve was quiet for a bit before asking

“Hey Eddie, do you wanna know why else I’m here?” 

“Yeah, why not, what else you got Harrington” Eddie asked

Steve waited a minute before proceeding “I’m also still here because of my parents”

“I know it’s stupid but I think part of me is still waiting to see them, see them come back.” He laughed wetly. 

“You know, I still find myself searching large bodies of people for their faces wondering if they are there, looking for me too” Steve choked out

“But they never are, they don’t care, I think they never did, I can still hear my dad telling me; You’re on your own kid; the first time I was left all alone for them to go on a trip and the more I think about it. I think I always have been” He sobbed

Eddie's heart broke, as he listened to Steve draw ragged harsh breaths, and sob over the phone. He heard Steve profusely apologize for crying and it only broke his heart more. How could someone hurt such a beautiful, caring person, like Steve?

Eddie decided that it would be his mission to make sure Steve never felt alone again; that he would never feel on his own. Not anymore. 

Part 2

Soooo, this fic got away from me pretty heavily so I'm planning on splitting this into 2 more parts? I have never actually sat down and written a fic before so if this is actual garbage I blame it on that and the fact that it was written at 2am and then beta'd by no one. Anyways.....let me know if y'all like it and if you wanna be tagged or something idk. Also yes, I'm sorry this is a hurt and comfort because that's just Steve's general dynamic with existence. We got the hurt now but promise there is comfort coming.

#steve x eddie #steddie #fanfic #platonic stobin #hurt/comfort #steve has bad parents #Taylor Swift steddie #stranger things #eddie munson #robin buckley #steve harrington #steddie fic #bi steve harrington #gay eddie munson #my fic #gardenwrites

[one-boring-person]

Can You Do Me A Favour?

Barney Ross (The Expendables) x reader

Warnings: injury, drinking, sexual content implied, mentions of violence, swearing

Context: the reader is a member of the Expendables and has a crush on Barney. After a job, the two have some time together.

A/N: as promised, here is some Expendables stuff! I hope anyone who reads this will enjoy it! (Just a heads up: I have more Rambo and Escape Plan stuff coming, and most likely some more TLB content, too.)

Masterlist

(I'm also going to tag @yuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in this, because they expressed interest in Expendables stuff earlier😊💛)

The cold water is pleasant on my heated skin as I cup my hands under the steady stream flowing from the tap, splashing it into my face when a suitable pool has formed in the space. A gasp escapes me from the stark contrast in temperatures, using my fingers to rub slightly at my skin, trying to work out the headache that has set in, only to hiss when I accidentally press into one of the new scars on the side of my face. Pulling back, I repeat my action, doing my best to distract myself from the plaguing thoughts in my head, still disgusted at myself for having them.

But even now, as I massage the contours of my face, I can't get the images of my boss out of my head. Not the sight of him taking out a ring of attackers using his revolver and sharpshooting skills, not the way his exposed arm muscles flexed with each movement, not the determined look on his rugged face and certainly not the fierce eye contact he made with me when he turned around again. At the mere memory of this, a flush of heat goes through me, eyes squeezing shut to force myself to blank them out, not quite realising that his stare is branded into my subconscious. Biting my lip, I shake my head, forcing down the picture of his muscular body and large hands on my body as he dragged me from the collapsing building, not five hours ago.

Growling, I reach over and grab hold of the beer bottle nearby, glancing at my haggard features in the mirror before taking a deep drink, wincing at the stale flavour, having had the drink for far too long. I can see the tension in my body, each muscle tight and uncomfortable, my posture ramrod straight and clearly wrong, my eyes clouded with exhaustion and what I can only assume is loneliness. 

As soon as I'd gotten in from the last job, I'd headed straight into the bathroom, grabbing a beer from the fridge as I went, needing to clear my head. Nothing I did could help, my head always circling back to that one person. Frustrated, I slam the bottle on the counter top, wincing when it shatters from the force, a particularly sharp shard slicing into my palm.

Damn him. Damn Barney Ross for getting into my head.

I clean up my hand, just bandaging it up when my phone buzzes, the screen lighting up. Frowning, I look over at it, confused. Nobody calls me. Nobody, except my boss.

Picking up the phone, I groan to myself as I realise it is, in fact, Barney. For a second, I debate letting it go to voicemail, before I finally give in, accepting the call and placing the phone to my ear.

"Sir?" I greet him politely, wondering what he needs.

"How many times have I told you not to call me "sir"?" Barney's gravelly voice sounds through the phone, a low chuckle evident in his tone. I have to ignore the effect his voice has on me, the sound giving me butterflies in my stomach.

"Sorry, sir- ah, shit." I sigh at my own habit, "You alright?"

"Yeah, guess so. Just lonely. Figured you might be, too." He admits, tone going soft as he speaks.

"Bold of you to assume that." I tease, but continue, "Though you are, as always, right."

"Should tell Christmas that, might listen to you." The veteran laughs again, the joke drawing a similar reaction from me.

"We all know he listens to no one but himself." I quip back, still waiting for him to tell me why exactly he called.

"True, true." Barney's grin is almost audible, my mind instantly bringing up an image of that particular expression into my head, much to my chagrin, "You got any plans for tonight?"

Surprised, I take a second to reply, unsure of where this is going.

"No, it's too late. Ain't really got many friends outside work, anyway." I inform him, going out of the bathroom and into the lounge.

"Fancy coming over? I've got a couple of beers that need drinking, and the hangar is pretty lonely this time of night." 

His offer stumps me for a moment, though I am quick to recover, my mouth working before my mind can catch up.

"Yeah sure. I'll be over in twenty." 

"Great. See you then." He hangs up, leaving me wondering why the hell I accepted that, knowing how much I spend too much time thinking about him (in totally inappropriate ways considering he's my boss) anyway.

Annoyed at myself, I steel myself before going and grabbing a coat, pulling on that and my boots as I leave the flat, taking my motorcycle keys with me. I lock my door behind me, leaving the apartment block quickly, glad to have the fresh air on my face as I make my way over to my motorbike. Looking on it fondly, I climb on and kick out the stand, easily getting it revved up, the vibrating engine beneath me a pleasant feeling. 

Thankfully, the roads are mostly clear this time of night, cutting the twenty minute drive short by five minutes as I go at speed through the nearly deserted outer city. The hangar is usually a pain in the ass to get to, the traffic in the roads leading up to it almost always horrific, so I am only too happy to be able to go much faster now that there's not many other drivers around. With the wind rushing around me, I find that my head clears a little, my attention on navigating the roads rather than the thoughts of my boss doing things to me I'm sure he'd find grotesque in nature. 

I arrive quickly, pulling into the hangar slowly, knowing Barney is most likely in the plane, as he usually is. Stopping the bike, I put it in park before climbing off, hanging my helmet on the handlebars as I do so, taking the keys with me as I walk over to the old plane. Nearing the aircraft, I frown a little at the sight of the new bullet holes riddling the side of it, unaware that we'd taken so much damage earlier in the day. Sighing, I go inside, ducking in through the small door, only now hearing the music playing from the stereo in the cockpit.

"It's gonna need a new lick of paint." I call out to Barney, who I can see sat in his seat, the muscular man turning to look at me as he hears me.

"It's been a long time coming, so I'm not complaining." He replies, grinning at me as I walk into the cockpit, dropping into Christmas' usual seat, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach from his stare on me again. As I enter, he rakes his eyes over my body, subtly taking my every curve in from where he is.

"Fair enough." I shrug, leaning back slightly, having missed his look, "Got a beer?"

"Yeah, here." Barney hands me a bottle, opening it for me as he does so.

"Cheers." I thank him, taking a deep drink from it as he chuckles lowly, voice sending a bolt of heat through me.

"You're starting to sound like Lee." He remarks, sipping his own bottle with a smirk.

"Should I take that as a compliment? Or an insult?" 

"Up to you." He looks over at me.

"Eh, I'll take compliment. You two get along like an old married couple, after all. Must mean something if you're comparing me to him." I decide, teasing him.

Barney laughs at my comment, lifting his bottle.

"I can agree with that." He hums, staring out of the front window.

For a couple of moments, we sit in companionable silence, drinking our beers, Barney eventually lighting a cigar. Taking a deep inhale, he offers it to me, which I decline, choosing to finish my drink instead.

"What do you usually do after a job?" Barney suddenly asks, glancing back at me.

Surprised, I think over the question for a second.

"Nothing, really. I get myself cleaned up, have a drink, then get some sleep. I don't do much else with my life." I tell him, knowing how pathetic I sound.

"What, you haven't got anyone you can hang out with?" He questions, seemingly confused.

"No. As I said before, I don't really have any friends outside work."

"Really? No boyfriend? Girlfriend?"

I shake my head, grimacing at the turn in conversation, just missing the slight darkening in his eyes as he looks me over once more.

"Huh. That surprises me." 

Lifting an eyebrow, I look across at him.

"Why?"

He shrugs, making eye contact with me.

"Well, you seem like the person who wouldn't struggle to make friends. You're kind, funny, pretty. You know how to behave in the right situations, you're a good friend to have." He clarifies, seemingly unaware of the impact his words have on me, my heart throbbing as I listen to him, longing building up in me again.

"You think so?" I ask, not quite believing him.

"Yeah, I do." He frowns, looking over at me, "Why, don't you?"

I don't reply, knowing my answer well. He doesn't push it, observing me carefully, his gaze making me blush furiously.

"What'd you do to your hand?" The veteran suddenly asks, gesturing to my bandaged appendage.

"Hm? Oh, I just cut it on some glass back home." I inform him, flexing my hand a little, only to wince at the sharp spike of pain. 

Wordlessly, Barney reaches across and takes my hand in his, his touch setting off sparks through me despite the gentle nature of it. Pulling my arm closer to him, he runs his fingers lightly over my skin, the rough calluses rubbing over the palm of my hand, each stroke making it harder for me to fight off the rising need within me. Being this close to him, able to smell him in nearly every surface around me, feeling his hand on mine has sparked the feelings I've been suppressing as long as I've worked with him. 

Awkwardly, I pull away, swallowing tightly, trying to suppress the urges I'm suddenly feeling, needing to get myself together again. He doesn't stop me, his dark eyes regarding me quietly, observant as always as he seemingly considers something, his gaze sliding over me once more. After a moment, he puts out his cigar, leaning back in his seat.

"Mind doing me a favour?" The muscular man cocks his head at me, a small smirk playing at his lips.

"Er, sure? What do you need?" I agree hesitantly, knowing that expression means only one thing: he's got something up his sleeve.

"Check that control panel up there, would you? It's been giving me trouble for weeks." Barney's eyes are glittering now in the dim light, clearly up to something.

"What, now?" I frown, confused by the instruction.

"If you wouldn't mind." 

Lifting an eyebrow, I place my beer down and get to my feet, awkwardly reaching up to check the panel, which just so happens to be right above his head. I try to keep my body from leaning across him too much, but this is made difficult when I realise that the particular problem lies in the switches even further over. As I go to flick them, a pair of hands takes hold of my waist, suddenly yanking me down towards the chair.

Yelping in surprise, I feel my eyes widen as Barney pulls me down onto his lap, hands tight on my hips, pressing my back flush against his chest. His nose instantly finds my neck, the older man nudging at my skin until I tilt my head to give him access, goosebumps spreading across my skin as I try to process what the hell is happening, my brain short-circuiting with every one of his breaths. They fan out over the sensitive area, my own hitching in my throat as his scruff scratches over my skin, his lips not quite touching me yet, though I can feel their every movement. 

I try to get back up, unwillingly, only for him to loop one of his arms around my front and slip his hand under my shirt, flattening his palm on my stomach to hold me against him.

"I'm not blind, you know, (Y/n). I've seen the way you look at me, the way you behave differently when you're with me. You're not as subtle as you hope." Barney practically purrs into my skin, his smirk obvious against my neck, sending shivers down my spine as I try not to groan.

"I- I don't know what you're talking about, sir." I manage out, not quite catching the sound of anticipation that escapes me when he suddenly presses his lips against my ear, whispering into it.

"Really? I think you know very well what I'm talking about." He grins to himself, the hand on my stomach running down to ghost over the waistband of my jeans, my body tensing in his grip, "Want me to demonstrate for you?

#the expendables #The expendables imagine #Barney Ross #Barney Ross x reader #Barney Ross imagine #Sylvester Stallone

[suttttton]

Like Real People Do

Written for Febuwhump, Day 9: Buried Alive

***

“Absolutely not,” Basira says. “You’re not getting yourself killed.”

“I’m really not asking,” Jon replies. His chest aches where his ribs were so recently pulled from him, and the bone feels almost warm in his hands. “I’m not just going to leave him in there.”

“I say let him go,” Daisy cuts in, her voice low and hostile. “One less monster for us to deal with.”

Jon turns his face away. She’s right, and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t considered exactly that point, but… this isn’t an excuse for him to die. He has to come out of the coffin. He has to get Martin out.

Basira ignores Daisy. “Jon, we’ve all lost people. You have to get over it.”

Jon just shakes his head. “I’m not losing him.”

They stare at each other for a long moment, until Basira finally relents. “Fine. You want to get yourself killed? Go ahead.”

“I’m not going to get myself killed,” Jon says, with much more confidence than he feels.

“No death in that thing,” Daisy says.

“Yes,” Jon says, still not looking at her. “But—this will work. People have found their way out of the Buried before. One person, at least, and the Eye wanted me to read their statement. It—If I leave my rib here, I should be able to find my way back to it.”

“And how will you find Martin?” Basira asks.

“That won’t be a problem,” Jon says. He can’t See him, not in the Coffin, but he can feel him. A deep kind of resigned terror that makes his heart ache.

“How long?” Basira asks.

“I don’t know,” Jon says.

Basira glares at him. “You don’t know.”

“No!” Jon says. “I might be in there—a day? Maybe?”

“And if you don’t come out?” Basira says.

“One less monster,” Jon manages with a self-deprecating smile, glancing at Daisy.

“Yeah, well,” Basira says. “Try to make it back.”

“Right,” Jon says. “Right.”

***

It’s easy, finding Martin.

Well, no. Easy isn’t quite the right word. The Coffin is… horrible, dirt brushing against every exposed part of Jon’s skin, walls closing around him, squeezing him until he isn’t quite sure how he’s even moving forward. He can’t breathe, and his throat hurts from inhaling dust.

But he can feel Martin, like a tether, pulling him closer and closer, until finally he’s… there. He’s right there, and Jon is grabbing his hand, and it’s cold but it’s Martin. He’s never been so glad in his life.

“Jon?” Martin says, and his voice breaks Jon’s heart. He sounds exhausted. He sounds… crushed. Nothing Martin should ever, ever sound like.

“Yes,” Jon says, reaching out for more of him. It’s hard. The Coffin would much rather keep them apart.

“No, no,” Martin says. He also grabs for Jon, and manages to pull him a little closer, one hand settling on his arm. “You can’t be here. Why are you here?”

“I came rescue you,” Jon says.

“You came to…“ Martin’s face is already dirt-streaked and tearstained, but Jon hears his throat catch. “Jon, why would you do that? I don’t—I don’t want you to be trapped here too.”

“I—I won’t be,” Jon says. “I can—” his voice stops, as he reaches for his rib, comes up empty. “I—no, this isn’t—” Where is his anchor? He can’t feel anything, except for the endless, endless dirt pressing in on them for all directions. “Martin, I—I can’t—” his breath hitches with something like panic.

Martin pulls Jon to him, through the dirt, and Jon tries to take consolation that he can at least have this—Martin’s arms around him, holding him close in the darkness.

“I’m sorry, Martin,” he says, and his voice breaks. He couldn’t even do this. “I—I thought—”

“It’s alright, Jon,” Martin says, petting a hand through his hair. “It’s alright.”

***

Martin thought he’d gotten past the worst of the pain this place had in store for him. The terror had long since faded to numb, hopeless horror. The loneliness had started to feel… right, somehow. It was almost peaceful. For once, nothing left to worry about.

But now his heart is breaking, and he is barely, barely holding himself together. Because of Jon. Because Jon came for him. It’s such a stupid, Jon thing to do, Martin almost wants to laugh.

He’d so badly wanted Jon to be alright. It was the one thing he still bothered to hope for, in this hopeless place, but he should have known better.

Jon is doomed because of him. Jon is trembling, crying in his arms because he’s trapped here, forever. A lump forms in Martin’s throat. He wants to fix this. He so badly wants to fix this, to assure Jon that everything will be fine. But it won’t be fine. They’re buried, and it’s all Martin’s fault.

The worst part is that Martin is happy. He’s happy that Jon is here. He’d been so certain that he would never, ever see Jon again. Now he’s warm against Martin’s chest, and even while he cries it is so, so sweet to hear his voice.

He shouldn’t be happy.

Jon pulls back from him, just slightly, just enough to say, “I’m glad—Well,” he laughs softly, wetly. “I’m not glad you’re here. But… If I had to be stuck in a hell dimension with someone, I’m glad it’s you.”

Martin buries his face in Jon’s hair, laughing silently. Laughing too much, probably for how feeble of a joke it was. “Me too, Jon.”

“I love you,” Jon says. Just like that.

And Martin—can’t. It’s too much.

He gets a sudden flash of terror, imagining the dirt softening and flooding around them, into every little crack between them, forcing them apart. He wouldn’t survive that. Wouldn’t survive losing Jon. Wouldn’t survive knowing that Jon was suffering, somewhere, without being able to offer him even a modicum of comfort.

He holds Jon even tighter, trying to relax the heavy knot that’s formed in his throat. It’s difficult to breath, and for once it isn’t because of the dirt surrounding them. “I love you too, Jon. I’ve always—” his voice hitches, and then he’s sobbing, clutching to Jon like a life raft, because that is exactly what he is. The only thing keeping Martin from sinking.

Jon’s hand comes up to his face, and wipes tears and dirt from his cheeks.

***

A day passes, then two more, and Jon doesn’t re-emerge from the Coffin. Basira doesn’t ask Elias for advice, but he tells her anyway. Tapes. Everything always comes back to the tapes.

Part of her agrees with Daisy, that Jon being gone gives them one less monster to deal with. But… if the Institute gets attacked again, Basira would rather have as many monsters as possible on her side. And she likes Martin. He doesn’t deserve to be trapped in the Coffin forever.

***

Martin is dozing when he feels Jon squeeze his hand.

“Martin,” he says. “I—I think—” Jon’s eyes aren’t looking at him, are far away, and in the dim light Martin can see that they are glowing, just faintly. He doesn’t know if he should be worried or hopeful.

Then Jon gasps, and a grin comes over his face. He keeps his tight grip on Martin’s hand, and says, “I know the way. Martin, I know the way out!”

***

They emerge from the Coffin into Jon’s office, and everything is dark. It’s 1:43am, according to the Eye, and the others have long since gone to sleep in the tunnels.

It isn’t silent, though. All around them, the tapes are running.

“That’s… creepy,” Martin says, leaning heavily on Jon’s shoulder.

Jon just nods, too exhausted to speak. The Coffin lid slams behind them, and they both sink to the floor, still holding on to each other.

They just lay there for a long time, listening to the drone of the tapes around them. Then Martin pulls Jon tightly against him and they embrace.

“I love you,” Martin says, his voice thick and muffled in Jon’s hair.

“I love you too,” Jon says, leaning back to look into Martin’s eyes. Jon’s eyes are soft and he smiles as he looks at Martin, so it takes him by surprise when the next thing Jon says is, “You need a shower.”

Martin laughs. “Wow, okay!”

Jon looks away, blushing. “I just—I meant—I thought you’d probably want one, given everything, and, and—You are a bit covered in dirt.”

Martin laughs again. It’s been so long since he’s laughed at anything. “Jon, can I kiss you?” he says, before he can think about it too hard, before his self-consciousness catches up to him and talk him out of it.

“What?” Jon says. “I—Yes?”

So Martin does. Jon tastes like dirt, and Martin can feel the grit between their lips. But it’s still Jon, and Martin can just barely bring himself to pull away.

“I love you,” he says again, because he can say it now. Because he’s too exhausted to not say it as often as he possibly can. “And you need a shower too.”

#tma #tma fanfic #jonmartin #febuwhump #febuwhumpday9 #my fic #this story is actually a scene from the elias groundhog day fic #except that story is entirely elias POV #so it's just him watching JM be disgustingly in love and being annoyed with it #buried alive cw #small spaces cw #eternity cw

[aelingalathyniusrailme]

broken battered and beautiful

“wait gwyn please talk to me” his face was shiny and wet. The shadowsinger was crying and all Gwyn wanted to do was to curl up into a ball and hide but she did not hide and she did not cower, never again. 

He wanted her to talk fine she would talk. “Azriel, I am not a dog to be summoned at will whenever you need someone to make you feel better about yourself. you are pathetic and it is not my job to fix you. I value myself so I will do you a favor” she paused to look at him, broken on the floor. gwyn stood tall with her chin up though her heart was a shattered drum in her chest, “I’m not going to make you choose, there will be no ultimatums. I will not be yours nor anyone else’s second choice. you want to be with her, I’m not going to stop you but I deserve better,” 

“We both deserve better.” 

“gwyn” he sounded defeated. 

Gwyn left him in the training pit. she had given him her heart, her trust and he’d crushed it beneath his fingers like it was nothing. like she was nothing. and now all she felt was hollow, the piece of herself she had given him she would never get back, broken as azriel looked. she turned only once to see if he had followed, and although she knew he hadn’t, the pitiful love sick fool who didn’t know to be angry desperately wished he had. 

As Gwyn walked back to the library, her legs were shaking and her knees were about to buckle. She was out of sight and earshot so she knew he wouldn’t know. He had taken so much from her but he would not take her pride. Gwyn was tired. so tired her body refused to stay up. she collapsed in exhaustion and hit the ground hard. everywhere ached, why did it all hurt so damn much. the gate that held the tears back from prying eyes unlatched and the flood came. 

------------------------------------------------------------

she heard her name in the distance, it was faint and muffled but she could just make it out. “Gwyn. Gwyn” wait, she knew that soft feminine voice, elain. she sounded worried. gwyn’s eyes shot open to unfamiliar surroundings. it was bright but elain was leaning over her, blocking the sun, and Gwyn felt her wavy brown hair, brush against the side of her face. when elain saw her eyes open she moved away as Gwyn sat up. she realized with surprise that she had been lying on the ground. Behind her was the house of wind. 

“are you alright?” are you alright? she, she had been crying. why had she been crying? the necklace. Azriel. oh. Gwyn felt a single drop fall down her tear-stained face. oh. elain was sitting on her knees in front of her, patiently waiting. she brought her thumb to Gwyn’s cheek and delicately brushed away the tear. “hey” she smiled, “come on let’s get you back to the library.” Gwyn took elain’s outstretched hand and stood with her. 

elain left her with Clotho. the priestess who had given Gwyn a home when she had needed one most passed her a piece of paper. the shadowsinger came to see you. “oh” Gwyn swallowed, “thanks but if he comes back I’d rather not see him.” your eyes seem sad my dear. “I-” Gwyn didn’t know how to respond to that. go gets some rest, I promise your shadowsinger will not enter without your permission. “He's not mine,” Gwyn corrected. He's not mine.

------------------------------------------------------------

Gwyn stayed in the library for 4 days and 4 nights. she did not work, she did not train, she barely remembered to eat or drink. All Gwyn did was sleep. She turned away Nesta and emerie every time they came to check on her, content to be miserable. Gwyn considered letting her sisters help her, she knew they would never judge, and yet, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to face them. 

Gwyn had put her heart on the line and it had bitten her in the ass. Over the past few days he was a parasite that plagued her thoughts. everywhere she went he followed, the ghost of who she wished he was, of who she thought he was. over and over her mind betrayed her, replaying every moment they had spent together. the memories she had thought she would cherish forever, now a disease she could not rid herself of. it was like a play she was forced to watch, so she did. gwyn watched as he antagonized her, as he made her laugh, as little by little he let her fall in love with him. more than anything she wanted to go back, back to before he broke her in ways she didn’t truly understand. To when she could bury herself in his arms and it would all be okay.  

god, she felt so stupid, so damn stupid and embarrassed. Gwyn laughed bitterly. Just a few days ago she had been drunk on happiness and unbreakable. And then he had taken her resolve and ripped it to pieces. Gwyn had watched her friends fall in love, she saw the way emeries face lit up whenever Mor walked into the room, she knew the way Cassian and Nesta looked at each other. As if there was nobody else in the world but them. She wanted that, she thought she had had it, instead, all she was left with was heartbreak. 

By the 5th morning, Gwyn felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. there was one person she wanted to talk to. she desperately wanted to see him, to hear his voice, to feel his lips on hers one last time. but she had enough respect for herself to know that wasn’t an option. Gwyn would never go back.  We both deserve better. and then the realization struck, there was one other person who might understand. 

------------------------------------------------------------

Gwyn stood outside elain’s apartment door, it was the first time she had left the library in days and now she held her hand in a fist above the door, ready to knock. But instead, she hesitated. The door was a pretty lilac with a wreath of flowers. She had only known her friend’s sister for a short period of time but it seemed to fit perfectly. Gwyn knew that Elain had moved out of the river house just a few months after Nesta had officially moved into the house of wind. Though the reason she had left was unclear. 

Gwyn’s mind was a battleground of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Leave now while you still can, she will hate you. Go back to bed, my dear. Let sleep take you to a place of no pain, where there is no suffering. Just knock you, coward.  You have nothing left to lose. The words echoed throughout her head. Coward. Nothing left to lose. Unconscious of her actions, Gwyn’s hand began to move rhythmically against the door. 

“One second” a voice called out. Gwyn heard a shuffle of feet and then the door opened with a click. 

“Oh hi.”

tagging: @whereisvaughan @purplecherrypie @stars-and-scripts @em---r @isha-love @jennysofoldstone @ratabrasileira

#gwyn berdara #elain archeron #azriel #gwynlain #gwynlain fic #I'm so sorry that I had to break gwynriel apart like that #but you gotta do what you gotta do

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Eleven ~ Cosima

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 4471

Warnings: None

**Read on Ao3 under the user “bonjour_rainycity” if you prefer!**

A/n Hello hello, happy Easter! Tomorrow (Monday) is a little bit hectic for me so I’m getting this one out tonight (Sunday) instead. Thanks for reading :)

After a quick breakfast with Haldir and Glorfindel, they set off and I spend the day exploring Imladris. I do not stray far from the main household, yet all that I discover does not cease to amaze me. Elrond’s home is beautiful. If it weren’t for all the horrible, sudden drop-offs, I would consider it a perfectly wonderful place to live.

I spend the first part of my day in the garden. Behind the stone of the estate is a sprawling field filled with an impossibly wide variety of flora. I pass time exploring each bush, tree, and sprout, every one somehow more beautiful than the last. A few of the more sweet-smelling blossoms make me sneeze, so after a while, I head back inside to explore Elrond’s extensive library. But when the sun begins to sink below the horizon, I know I shouldn’t put it off any longer — I have ignored him since our arrival. I need to go see Alex. We haven’t talked in private ever, really, but I feel like we need to touch base. Though we may be slightly at odds, we owe it to each other to work through it.

I remember an attendant leading him down the hallway below mine as I ascended the stairs last night, and from there, it’s not hard for me to figure out which room is his. All the other doors are open, indicating that the inhabitants are out for the day. Already in my short stay here, I realize the elves are much more trusting than humans — while private, they must rely on each other to respect that privacy, because they don’t attempt to bar others from entering their spaces by closing their doors when they are not home. One door at the very end of the hall is closed shut. It is undoubtedly Alex’s.

I knock once.

He opens the door and I try to disguise my shock at the dark circles under his eyes and his disheveled hair. In all my memories of him, he is so put together, and this is completely at odds with the man I think I know. He ushers me in and shuts the door quickly behind me. The slam echoes through the stone room. He turns to me, wringing his hands together almost nervously. Unease grows in my stomach.

“Are you okay?”

He shakes his head violently and begins to pace the length of the small bedroom. “Of course I’m not okay. We’ve been wrenched from all that we know and dropped in this ridiculous place—” He cuts off his words and stares at the ground, shaking his head. “Look, I’ve decided that there’s no way around it. We are in some sort of other world — there’s no way this is some place back where we’re from. But if we did arrive here somehow, that means there has to be a way back. So we need to find it.”

I sit on the edge of his bed, watching him warily. I, too, have recently accepted the reality of this new world, but I hadn’t expected Alex to come around so easily — especially after our conversations on the way here. But getting home…if it’s a real possibility…”Do you think we could do that?”

His eyes snap to mine, desperation causing them to blow wide. “I think Elrond could. The people here hold him in such high esteem—I believe he’s very powerful. We need to talk to him, plead our case. If anyone could send us back, it’s probably him.” He notices my silence and turns on me with an accusatory stare. “You do want to go home, right?”

I swallow. “I…I think so. I mean, it is really dangerous here….But Elrond had a good point when I talked to him earlier. He said it’s probably just as dangerous in our homeworld.”

He groans almost animalistically. “I cannot keep having this fight with you! We don’t belong here. The dangers of our world are ours and the dangers of this world are theirs. And just because we agree that this is a different world doesn’t mean that anything’s changed. We still have people back home who miss us.”

But after my conversation with Haldir, I’m not so sure that’s the case. Yes, there are probably people who miss us in the usual sense, but the crushing grief that must come from being separated from someone you really, truly care for…I’m not sure I have that. I think I would know if I did.

I try to redirect the subject, not wanting to get into it with Alex. “How do you think it would work? Getting home. Do you think we would get our memories back?”

He stops pacing, excitement entering his eyes now that I’m seemingly more agreeable to his position. “Yeah, I think we would. Now, does that mean we would lose the memories we’ve made here? Maybe. Probably. Again, I think Elrond has the answers.”

I let my eyes fall to my fingers. The thought of forgetting…of basically erasing my time here, the friendships I’ve made…it makes me feel horribly sad. I drop my head into my hands. Oh, I just don’t know what to do!

“Let’s go talk to Elrond,” Alex urges. “See what he has to say.”

“Okay,” I agree, trudging to the door. At the very least, it will provide a distraction from the grief that has hit me so unexpectedly. “He’s probably in his study—follow me.”

I lead Alex along the same route I took this morning. Only, then, Haldir was at my side. I feel a pang of loneliness. Huh. After two weeks in constant company, I guess it is a little strange to be separated from him and the others.

As this morning, Elrond is in his study, surrounded by books and stacks of parchment. Stress tugs at the edges of his eyes but when he raises his head to greet us, it fades into a look of knowing. He was expecting us.

“Ah,” he stands, beckoning for us to enter. “I was wondering when I would be seeing you. Please, come in. I believe we have much to discuss.”

Alex strides forward, a stubborn set to his shoulders. He wastes no time. “How do we get back home?”

Elrond raises a thoughtful eyebrow, leading us to an auxiliary room with plushy chairs and couches. I sit on an unoccupied cushion. “What makes you so sure you can?”

Alex huffs. “If we got here, we can get back. Somehow, there’s a link between the worlds. We just need to find it and use it to get home.”

Elrond nods, appraising my friend. Unexpectedly, he turns his head to me. “And you, Cosima? Do you think there is a way home?”

I open my mouth, but no words come out. I close it, looking at the ground to buy myself some time. What are the possibilities? What are the chances? … And what am I hoping for? “I…I think Alex is probably right. Doors open both ways, right? If it opened to send us here, it can open to send us back. But we don’t know how easy it is to open that door.”

A sparkle enters Elrond’s eye. “Humans often do not get enough credit for their intelligence, nor their tenacity. Yes, I agree that there should be a way for the two of you to return to your homeworld. Power in Arda is changing. Forces of evil grow and the wisdom of the elves must adapt to overcome it. There is a finite amount of power in this world, and with it being pulled in so many different directions, it is possible it has grown thin in its blanket over our universe. The two of you could have fallen between the cracks.”

I look at the wall, not able to withstand Elrond’s piercing gaze or Alex’s frenzied one. If there is a real possibility of going home…isn’t it my duty to try?

Something in Elrond’s words catches my attention. “If the dispersion of that finite amount of power is constantly changing…is it possible that the ‘crack’ that let us in has already closed? Or moved somewhere else? If we tried to go back, isn’t there a chance we would end up in some other world?”

Elrond’s mouth sets into a grave line. “Precisely. There is a great deal of risk involved in your endeavor to return to your world.”

“But you can help us?” Alex speaks in a rough, desperate voice.

Elrond shakes his head, expression regretful. “I have power, yes, but not in the way you seek. If someone were able to help you—and bear in mind, it is a strong ‘if’—it would be Lady Galadriel. I believe you have heard of her through your companions?”

Alex grits his teeth, standing and beginning to pace a furious line. “Are you positive there is nothing you can do? It took two weeks to get here and that wasn’t even the whole journey. We do not have time to wait for them to decide to return to Lothlórien and then make the trip there. That could set us back months.”

“With regret, I am unable to help. My skill lies in healing and languages—academia, really. My power cannot compare to that of the Lady. I am sorry.”

I hate myself a little for it, but I feel relieved. The choice is taken from me. For the time being, all I can do is wait. Lady Galadriel might be able to help us, yes, but it will be at least two months before I have to make the choice to attempt to return home or not.

Alex evidently doesn’t feel the same way, and I don’t like the way he’s glaring at Elrond. I try to smooth things over. “Thank you for speaking with us and trying to help. We’ll let you get back to your work.” I stand, bowing my head in farewell as I’ve seen the elves here do. Alex makes no move to follow me. I prompt him with his name. He keeps his jaw tightly clenched but does incline his head towards Elrond before stalking from the room.

I have to jog to catch up. “Alex—“

“Entertain yourself, Cosima. I want to be alone.”

I take a step back. It’s not his words that stun me, it’s the grief in them. He sounds like he’s being torn apart.

Whereas I feel relief and, if I’m being honest with myself, no small amount of happiness.

I think I’m a bad person.

But I can do one good thing, and that’s grant Alex his wish to handle his feelings in private. I step forward, give him a quick, awkward hug, and let him walk away.

{***}

After lunchtime, there’s a knock on my door. I open it to the grinning faces of Rumil, Orophin, and Lavandil.

Laughing at their enthusiasm, I wave them in, grateful for the seating area in my bedroom — it makes hosting quite convenient.

Rumil whistles lowly, taking a look around. “Look at how they’ve set you up! I’ve got to share with Haldir which is just as terrible as it sounds. He says I snore! I do not snore.” He looks so offended, I don’t have the heart to tell him that he occasionally does.

Lavandil runs her hand over one of the gossamer curtains, eyeing the view. “I love these falls. You don’t seem them as well back where I grew up—that’s partly why I moved to the main city. They’re wonderful, no?”

Even though I’m not a fan of their height, I can definitely agree to their splendor. “Oh, absolutely. After days of the plains and rocks, it’s so nice to have a change of scenery.”

Rumil pours himself a glass of water and reclines on the chaise. “So, where have you been off to today? Baranor and I came looking for you this morning but you weren’t here.”

I blink. I figured Rumil would know, given he shares a room with the brother who collected me. “Haldir took me this morning to see Elrond about my arm. See?” I hold it up to present the thin, raised scar. “All healed. It’s miraculous, really, how it healed within minutes. And then Glorfindel, Haldir, and I had breakfast in the kitchens because I guess we missed the main meal, and then the two of them took off for the borders. I explored for a bit and then—” I falter. Should I tell them about my meeting with Alex and Elrond? Silly, I admonish myself. You didn’t do anything wrong. Still, it feels strange to admit to them that I had been seeking a way home—a way to leave them, essentially. But there’s no good reason to keep it hidden, so I brush aside my hesitation. “I talked to Alex, and then he and I went to visit Elrond.”

“About your home,” Orophin guesses, gravity in his voice.

“Yes,” I admit.

Rumil gapes, evidently caught off-guard, and I shoot him an apologetic look. Yeah, that hurts.

“We wanted to know if getting home is even a possibility. And, well, jury’s still out. But Elrond thinks if someone can help us, it will be Lady Galadriel. So…” I shrug.

A twinkle enters Rumil’s eye and he sits forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “So you’re returning to Lothlórien with us?” All traces of hurt have disappeared from his features.

I can’t help but grin at his excitement. “Yes—if you’ll have us.”

“Of course we will!” He beams, sitting back into the chaise with a new air of relaxation. “I mean, Haldir has the final say of course, but he’ll say yes. He might not like Alex, but he has grown quite fond of you.”

Each ellyn suddenly seems very interested in scrutinizing my face. I feel my cheeks heat under the weight of their stares and try to disguise it by standing and filling a glass of water. “I’ve grown fond of all of you, too.”

Rumil presses further. “Yes, but if you had to pick one—someone you’re the most fond of—who would that be?”

Orophin chuckles and Lavandil bites her lower lip, looking up at me with interest. I take a sip of the water, trying to buy myself time. This feels like a trap. I get around it as best I can. “Roch, of course. I miss him already.”

This sends them into fits of laughter and evidently puts their curiosity to rest — for the time being. I return to my seat, lounging along with them. When the sky begins to darken, Orophin requests dinner to be brought to us and we talk into the late hours of the night enjoying good food and even better company. And, though I am sure to feel guilty about it later, I do not miss Alex or my home at all.

{***}

Despite my full belly and long day, sleep eludes me. Part of that is my fault—I hold myself back from drifting off, not wanting to have another nightmare. When it must be at least midnight, I give up tossing and turning and change back into my day clothes. I didn’t spend near enough time wandering the garden or the library — perhaps I can tire myself with some exploring. As silently as possible, I push open the creaking door and step into the hallway.

It’s surprisingly bright — I’ve caught the moon when it’s high in the sky, and tonight it is full and robust in its shine. Light dances atop the ever-flowing water, creating a sparkling effect that leaves me breathless. Once again, I find myself glad that I have more time here. Though part of me feels like I should want to return home, another part of me isn’t near ready to leave. There’s so much more to see and learn and…well, I’m not ready to give up my new friends.

I go slowly down the open-air corridor, trying to keep my noise to a minimum. The household is asleep, for the most part. I see the odd attendant bustling around finishing duties, but the night is quiet and peaceful. It’s too beautiful to pass time away inside, so I elect to go back to the gardens and just avoid the blossoms that sent me into a sneezing fit earlier today.

The gardens are at the back of the estate and I do my best to remember the path I took this morning. With so many pavilions and archways and hallways and staircases, it’s easy to get lost. But all hallways—sooner or later—lead outside. So, after minutes of unsuccessfully trying to retrace my path, I choose a hallway at random, deciding to follow it to its end.

Further down, warm light flickers and ebbs—candlelight. As I get closer, I catch a voice I know well. He speaks in hurried, hushed tones in the Elvish language—arguing, maybe? Or just having a rushed discussion? A vaguely familiar voice responds in the same manor. Abruptly, the sounds cut off.

I take a few steps forward, the two figures becoming visible in the limited light.

“Haldir?” Squinting, I realize why I sort-of recognized the other voice—it belongs to Glorfindel. The two turn to me, each dipping their head in welcome.

Glorfindel looks perplexed. “Hello, Cosima. Do humans not require much sleep?”

I laugh guiltily. “No, they do — probably more than elves if we’re basing it on my traveling companions. I just couldn’t sleep so I was trying to find the gardens.”

Haldir steps out of the doorway and turns to Glorfindel. “Ah, I should be letting you get to bed, mellon.” He gives a nod of farewell to his elven friend. “We will continue our discussion tomorrow?”

“Yes, yes.” Glorfindel waves off Haldir’s stern look and moves to shut his door. “Goodnight.”

Haldir and I are alone in the hallway.

He clears his throat. “Would you like company?”

I smile, gesturing in the direction of what I hope is the outdoors. “Sure. You’re not tired after being gone all day?”

He shrugs, clasping his hands behind his back as he walks. “Tired, yes. Though my mind is not yet ready for sleep.”

“Was it a long day, then?”

Haldir sighs, and the sound is so weighed down with exhaustion and sadness that I nearly stop and insist we both go to bed. Sleep might make him feel better. But he is an adult and so am I, and neither of us really wants to sleep. So I say nothing and wait for him to explain.

“Much of Elrond’s border patrol is young. I worry they are unprepared for the increase in attacks. The conversation you heard—Glorfindel and I were disagreeing. I think it is worth advising Elrond to send his more experienced fighters to the borders and allow the newer ones to use this time to train. Glorfindel thinks calling the entire army is an overreaction and that I am overstepping my bounds. And he is right. I am captain of the Lady’s guard, not Lord Elrond’s. Still, I cannot help but believe it is worth interfering in this way — I think it could save lives, help Imladris be more prepared.” He looks at the ground, shaking his head. “I am sorry. I don’t need to be bothering you with this.”

“No, it’s alright.” I chuckle ruefully. “You’ve seen me cry so many times, you’ve earned the right to talk about whatever you want.”

He smiles and gives me a side-eye. “I’ll admit, while your tears used to perplex me, I think I am more accustomed to them by now.”

I roll my eyes and make a conscious effort not to be offended. “Great.”

He gives me an apologetic look, but mirth dances in his eyes. I turn the conversation back on him. “So what are you going to do?”

He sighs slowly, turning the corner into an adjacent hallway. “I will continue discussing it with Glorfindel tomorrow — it would be ideal to have him on my side. But if not, I plan to go to Elrond. I’d rather cause offense than withhold strategies that could save lives.”

I nod, agreeing. “Hopefully Glorfindel will see your side, and if he doesn’t, at least Elrond. I can’t imagine he would disagree — Elrond doesn’t seem like the type of man to choose pride over lives.”

“Ellon,” Haldir corrects gently.

I turn over my shoulder so he can see the begrudging look I give him. “Ellon.”

Haldir smiles almost smugly and we step from stone to lush grass. We’ve come out on the side of the estate — the garden is in the back. Thankfully, Haldir seems to know where to go. We curve our path left.

It’s a bit humid and I can feel my hair already reacting. I bring a hand to the back of my head, attempting to smooth the frizz. “Speaking of Elrond, Alex and I went to see him today — Did Rumil tell you?”

Haldir shakes his head but gives me a look that shows he’s not surprised — he guessed Alex and I would ask Elrond about getting home.

I continue, feeling a tad nervous. Rumil said Haldir wouldn’t object to our returning with him, and I don’t think he would…but what if he does? I don’t think I’d be able to keep myself from taking it personally.

I twist the fingers of my right hand into the fabric of my dress. “Um, Elrond mentioned that if anyone can help us get home, it would be Lady Galadriel. So—if it’s alright with you, of course—I—we—would like to return home with you. To Lothlórien.” I add, perhaps unnecessarily.

Haldir stops walking and turns to me, blinking once. Dread seizes in my chest. Oh no.

But his lips twitch and I realize he’s fighting a smile. “Lothlórien would be happy to host you, and I would be honored to escort you back.”

I beam, feeling nearly giddy with relief. Haldir relaxes and a hesitant smile brightens his face. The movement causes moonlight to reflect in his eyes. It sets them alight. I can’t believe I used to think them cold towards me — they are anything but. Guarded and suspicious at times, yes, but never cold. Not now that he’s gotten to know me, anyway. Instead, they are soft, gentle. And, exactly as Rumil had said, fond.

“Thank you.”

He inclines his head in that formal way of his, and the softness never leaves his eyes. He resumes his steps, leading us around the corner and into the labyrinthine garden.

I sneeze.

And again.

And again.

Haldir sputters out a ridiculous laugh, the sound so carefree and wild that I almost don’t mind having to sneeze to hear it.

“You’re allergic,” he accuses, gesturing to the flowers to our right.

I shrug, trying to ignore the tickling in my nose. “Just to some of them. Come on, I found an area earlier that’s not so bad.”

Haldir chuckles and shakes his head but follows me through the gardens. “Why did you want to come here if it just makes you sneeze?”

“Because it’s beautiful,” I answer simply. Because sometimes, that’s enough.

I find the alcove I discovered this morning and sit on the stone bench there, scooting over to make room for Haldir. He sits next to me, stretching out his long legs. Looking up at the sky, I can see stars through the wooden, flower-filled lattice that hangs above us. I sigh, finding the sight of the  sky sobering. “Do you know how I finally realized I was in another world?”

Haldir shakes his head, waiting for me to continue.

“The stars,” I murmur. “In almost every memory I have, I’m looking at the stars. I know their patterns, how they move with the seasons, the names of each constellation. I watched them my whole life. But that night in the plains—when you came looking for me by the river—I looked up and realized that I don’t know these stars. They’re not in the right order or in the proper places. And I knew, even if I wasn’t ready to accept it, that these aren’t the stars of my world.”

Haldir tilts his head to the side, watching me in silence. He twitches as if to move and then tenses, looking uncertain. But after a moment he sets his jaw and, in one fluid motion, stands and removes his cloak, laying it on the ground. He offers me a hesitant smile as he sits—the expression so at odds with his usual confidence that I half-gape at him in disbelief. He reclines slowly, leaving room for me to do the same.

I press my lips against a smile even though I can feel that I’m losing the battle. Okay. I rise from the bench and, taking great care not to step on Haldir’s fingers, lay down next to him.

The thick fabric of his cloak mitigates the coolness of the ground and I stretch out, feeling my back resting on the firm surface of the earth. Though we slept near each other outside every night for two weeks, there were more people, then. We were farther apart. Now, we are alone and, due to the width of the cloak, there is only a sliver of space between us. If I moved my arm even slightly to the right, it would touch his.

When he finally speaks, his voice is quiet, gentle, and rumbles deep in his chest. “I have been watching these stars for centuries. They will become familiar to you, too. You only have to spend time with them.”

So I do.

Haldir and I lay on his cloak staring at the stars for hours. We don’t say much, only periodically mentioning something about our days or asking the other if they’re comfortable or cold. The newness of our proximity never fades, and I find myself hyper-aware of the warmth on the side of my body that nearly touches his. There’s a desire in me—something new and strange—to close that space between us, to rest my head on his chest and feel his arms hold me. I fight it, attempting to focus on what’s above me instead. He doesn’t seem to be struggling like I am.

At some point, I must slip into sleep. When Haldir gently nudges my shoulder, there’s a touch of early light in the sky. He smiles softly, offers me a hand up, and walks me to my room in silence. My efforts and sleep deprivation have left me exhausted. I barely remember climbing into bed and immediately fall back into a deep, dreamless sleep.

A/n Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs make me smile <3 Let me know if you’d like a tag! 

|next part|

|masterlist|

Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist

Double Heart Tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff

#lotr #lord of the rings #tolkien dwarves #haldir #haldir of lorien #haldir x oc #haldir x own character #haldir x own female character #haldir x ofc #tolkien elves #lothlorien elves #haldir fic #haldir fanfic #haldir fanfiction #lotr fic #orophin #rumil #elrond #ofc x haldir #haldir of lorien x ofc #haldir of lothlorien #lorien elves #rivendell #imladris #marchwarden #marchwarden haldir #haldir the marchwarden

[doctorreids]

folklore - spencer reid x reader

CHAPTER FOUR - exile 

previous chapter | next chapter 

word count: 2.3k

a/n: so i thoroughly enjoyed writing this chapter so i hope you all enjoy! i’m the slightest bit worried that spencer is ooc but i’ll let myself lose sleep over that at some point. the donny hathaway song i’m referring to is this one - one of my favourite songs ever, so so so beautiful. reblogs, likes and comments are, as always very much appreciated - thank you for all the love so far x

“i can see you standin’ honey, with his arms around your body, laughin’ but the jokes not funny at all.”

It had been 3 months, 2 weeks, 3 days. He wishes he could recall the exact time but, for once in his life, he can’t.

There was life before Y/N and there was life with her, he never imagined that there would be a life without her; because if this is life…

The curse of having an eidetic memory is recalling every word, every glance, every silence, and every mistake. They filled his head every day, cacophonous and relentless.

He knows that 50% of couples break up then reconcile, he knows that this is more typical for unmarried couples to do. Yet, statistics do nothing to calm his frustration at himself. Statistics don’t tell him what he can do to fix what is broken.

There’s so much that he misses; her jumping at any chance to be with him, accompanying him to foreign film festivals, conventions, and anything he showed the slightest interest in. She would do anything for him, long before he ever called her his.

He’s still processing the depth of his loss. He had convinced himself for the first month that he could carry on and ignore the chilling cold of his bed at night or the loneliness of the subway journey home. By the second month, he could hardly look at himself. Now, three months on, the pain is so visceral, so real, that he cannot escape the crushing silence that surrounds him. No more quiet conversations on the jet, or laughter in the bullpen.

He wonders if her apartment feels just as empty as his.

He can’t help but let his mind wander to the conversation he overheard between Emily and Y/N in the bullpen - something about setting her up with a guy she knew from outside of work. He tried hard not to read into how reluctant she was accepting Emily’s offer or how defensive she looked when he went back to his desk.

What did he miss? Were there signs? Or did he, like he always did ignore the cracks as soon as they started to appear?

He didn’t want to think about someone else holding her, making her laugh, or being the reason for her smile.

It was dark outside, leaves littering the street, the rain pattering on his window. The sound of the occasional car passing by was the only sound that filled his apartment. Autumn was always his favourite season, it reminded him of change and growth, and when he first met her. It was cool that day, she was wrapped up in a royal blue knitted scarf and a soft brown worn coat - he swore to himself that he’d never seen anyone as beautiful before in his life.

He could barely focus on anything nowadays, from paperwork to books, everything was too difficult to confront. Sure, he’d been attending meetings, discussing his urges to numb himself from the world again. The beginning of his battle with addiction came before she did, it haunted him.

If he was being honest with himself, his addiction was the only thing he had fully confided in her.  She gave him all the understanding that, at times, his own chosen family didn’t give him. He didn’t resent them for it but it was frustrating.

He knew he immersed himself in work too often, the sea of paperwork and cases kept his head above the water that threatened to drown him. After all his years working for the BAU, he still didn’t know how to properly talk about what they witnessed. He tried to chalk it up to facts and probabilities, that evil exists in the world and all he can do is use what he knows to prevent it from happening again. But he couldn’t stop it from happening in the first place.

Despite how much responsibility he placed on his shoulders with his work, he questioned whether or not his career was what he really wanted. He’d promised he would find a cure for schizophrenia by the time he was thirty. Yet, here he is - alone, many a Ph.D. to his name but no overwhelming achievement.

He knew his first mistake was not telling her about how he was feeling. But he was angry, he didn’t know how to verbalise what was overwhelming him. Frustrated and choked up, he pushed her away. He kept telling himself that he felt suffocated, he was anxious that he would lose her to his job and he couldn’t prevent that. There was so much in his life that he couldn’t control.

His mother wasn’t improving, getting worse day by day, and all he could do was stand by and watch. He could write as many letters, call every day, and visit as often as he could but he couldn’t fix it. He couldn’t change what was happening.

He was surrounded by people he considered to be his family yet he felt alone. All the time. So, he pulled up his guard, plastered a smile on his face, and carried on. She would always go before him in his life, nothing could change that.

Work had been…tense. He knew from the start that the girls would be protective of her and he didn’t blame them - he knew that very next day when she didn’t reply to his texts or calls or when JJ told him to ‘give her space. His only other option was Derek and his advice wasn’t, at times, what he wanted to hear.

Derek told him to fix it actively but he wasn’t even sure what he was trying to fix. Himself or their relationship? Some big romantic gesture would win her back, he was told, but he knew she hated those. He tried bringing her favourite flowers, roses, but he would freeze up every time he got to her front door. By now, it wasn’t the season for roses and he was running out of options.

JJ, Emily, and Garcia never treated him any differently, he just felt exiled from their bullpen meet-ups. From the start, all he wanted was JJ’s advice. That night they all went out, he sat in her house with Henry, listening to him babble on about Aunt Y/N and Uncle Spencer.

He won’t ever forget the sad look JJ gave him when he left, underlying anger and bitterness in her voice when she bid him goodnight.

He can’t help but think that he had irreparably messed up.

“all this time, we always walked a very thin line.”

They always said that working together was more of a blessing than a curse, they were never without the other. They could read each other like the back of each other’s hand. Until one day, they couldn’t.

He wasn’t sure what switch flipped in his mind but his ability to be vulnerable with her and to open up completely was turned off. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find the words to express what was going on in his mind.

Then again, neither could she. That connection between them was lost, there was this impenetrable distance between them now.

He couldn’t get comfortable in his chair, his glass of whiskey sitting beside his growing stack of books. He kept trying to find room for them but he just couldn’t bring himself to put them away - it reminded him of her apartment; books scattered on different tables, never on the shelf. It was the only trace of her left in his apartment.

His pillow no longer smelt of her, sweet and fresh. Her toothbrush was no longer sitting by his sink nor her shampoo in his shower. He’d taken down the photos, they were too painful to look at almost every day. Yet, he still kept that scarf she had left at his apartment after one of their dates, the royal blue one. Her perfume was fading on that too.

“you’re not my homeland anymore, so what am i defending?”

She had been quiet the entire car journey home, exhaustion clearly written on her face. Her brow was furrowed in thought.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He asked softly.

A slight smile flickered across her face for a split second. It went as quickly as it came, she was angry.

“I just want to get us home in one piece, Spence,” she snapped, “can you let me do that?”

“Sure.”

She wasn’t just angry, she was pissed.

By the time they got back to his apartment, she was tired, cold, and frustrated with him. He was equally as tired but grateful to be with her, alive and well. His run-in with the unsub resulted in an overnight stay in the hospital and minor surgery. Well, he thought it was minor. She clearly didn’t.

She didn’t stop for tea the way they normally would nor did she bother to leave the light on for him in the bathroom. She just crawled into bed without a word spoken to him since they’d gotten back to his apartment. In all honesty, he thought she was just going to drop him off then go back to her own home. He was surprised that she didn’t.

Lifting the covers, he slid into bed as silently as he could as not to wake her.

“What you did was really stupid, you know that?”

She was awake. He should’ve guessed.

‘I know.”

She sighed, turning to face him, “Spencer, I know our jobs don’t exactly meet safety regulations but you can’t play the hero all the time. I had to tell myself a long time ago, that you can’t save everyone. I know you, Spence. You’re a good man, brave and you have more courage in you than literally every other man that I’ve ever met and I love you for it. But you can’t keep doing this to me, to us.”

“Doing what?”

“Scaring us all half to death. You don’t remember me holding your hand while we waited for the medics. You don’t remember Morgan telling me that you’d pull through. You didn’t get to see everyone’s faces in the waiting room. But I remember it all, I don’t think I’ll forget it.”

He was stunned into silence.

“I could only think of the worst. How was I going to be able to tell your mother? How was I supposed to carry on knowing,” her voice broke and his heart shattered, “that I would never get to hold you again, or hear one of your many facts, or be able to explain how much you mean to me.”

“But, you didn’t have to-“ he started.

“I know. You’re alive and I’m so grateful. But if you ever pull a stunt like that ever again…”

His smile was sad, “I won’t ever leave you. You’re my home. I’d do anything to keep you safe.”

“And you’re mine too.”

“i think i’ve seen this film before and i didn’t like the ending.”

The memory echoed in his mind. He thinks about what could have been, the family he pictured them having. He knew, even though it was unsaid, she wanted a little girl. He couldn’t lie and say that he wouldn’t want to see a miniature Y/N running around. He always wanted his own kids ever since Henry was born and something inside him changed when he saw you holding Henry for the first time.

He saw his future before him.

Or so he thought. His dream disappeared when he heard his front door slam that night. He would give anything to take that night back. Take back the things that were said, the things left unsaid, and go after her.

By now, he thought he was too late. He witnessed the most perfect, the most precious thing he had in his life play out like a Shakespearian tragedy on the big screen. His heartache played like a movie he had seen far too many times before.

Maybe they were doomed from the start, their ending determined by fate. Something he only ever believed in with her.

“You can’t save everyone.” He couldn’t even save himself. He thought he was kidding himself when he thought he could ever win her back, too much time had passed, too much distance.

There were oceans between them, and for too long he was too scared to start to cross the vast space.

He stared at his now empty whiskey glass and out onto the street - the rain was heavier now. He had no idea what time it was, it was late. He wonders if she’s still up. If she’s sitting in that chair by her window, like he is, thinking about him.

His whole body aches for her touch. He aches to tell her everything, to apologise and to tell her all the small little things that have happened since they last spoke. Like how that mug she used to always drink out of shattered when he was putting it back in the cupboard and how he cried because he couldn’t glue it back together. Or how he searched and searched for a new one but he couldn’t find it so he decided to not buy a new one, it couldn’t be replaced.

He would tell her that he listens to that Donny Hathaway song she used to always play in the car late at night. He’d like to think that she would be proud that he knows all the words - that he doesn’t just listen to Beethoven. Morgan told him to play a song over a boombox outside her window. He didn’t get the reference but he knew he would play that song.

He opened his wardrobe to pull out his pyjamas when it caught his eye. The scarf, a shimmer of glitter caught in the moonlight.

He knew what he had to do.

Grabbing his coat, keys, and the scarf, he opened his door and walked out into the night.

#spencer #reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid/reader #spencer reid/you #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #criminal minds fanfiction #mgg #reidxfolklore

[peemil]

☕evangelion 😳

y'all are killing me

the more time i spend apart from this show, the more i find myself kind of hating it shsjhl;hjsdhjso;d. i am somehow now in an even worse place mentally than i was when i first watched evangelion but even so i am NOT letting myself fall in the same traps of woobifying shinji and excusing the behaviors i shared with him and vice versa.

starting with my most general take, i don't like the rebuilds. like, at all. granted, i haven't seen 3.0 + 1.0 yet, and i will be avoiding spoilers until there is an official english translation, but i feel like the rebuilds are kind of what you get when you listen a little too hard to people who didn't get the psychological parts of eva and spent the latter half of the series wishing it would go "back" to being a regular mecha anime (which it never was in the first place). the rebuilds lack a lot of the same internal conflicts that drive the characters (especially shinji), and higher budget means the rebuilds can be more direct in their storytelling and less reliant on alternative ways of communicating ideas, which causes the rebuilds to lose some of the avant-garde present in the original series. as a result, it's jarring to see some of the attempts made at this in 3.0, and painful to watch these attempts fail, as they have no real precedent in the film series. the best way for me to explain the rebuilds is they feel like sterilized and polished, but hollow versions of the original anime series. but maybe i'm just biased, because none of the things i liked about the original are present in the films.

on to more minutiae... i've said it once and i'll say it again, asuka langley soryu is a LESBIAN and there's nothing anyone can do to make me stop reading her character in this way. the only male characters she is depicted as having any romantic feelings towards in the series just (unintentionally) so... comphet. her obsessive flirting with kaji is rooted in her need to prove her worth as an adult, i.e., to prove to others that she is something she inherently is not. plus, he's older, and he's conventionally attractive, so if she didn't have feelings for him (or at least publicly perform having feelings for him), she'd be out of her mind, right? asuka is also someone shown to pursue connections out of convenience (literally citing it as her primary reason for wanting to be friends with rei), and any intimacy she shares with shinji (i.e., their kissing scene) is done only because 1. she's bored 2. shinji is the closest person available. i find the notion that she's a tsundere hiding her real feelings for him laughable, because we've seen what asuka is like around people she genuinely likes and whom she wants to like: the hatred she shows for rei takes a different form from her hatred for shinji: whereas asuka is disgusted by shinji, she is resentful towards rei. her resentment towards rei curiously begins only after rei rejects asuka's offer of friendship, so i am inclined to believe that asuka's feelings of anger when she sees rei receives more respect than she believes she does at nerv are compounded by the fact that she wanted to like rei and have a connection with rei, but wasn't permitted to do so. we also get to see how asuka acts around the one person with whom asuka is able to form a meaningful connection with, whom she lets herself trust and open up to: hikari. asuka actually has fun with hikari and feels safe enough around her to not only seek refuge with her and her family in her time of need, but also to admit that her rage is mostly towards none other than herself. her behavior towards shinji is nothing like her behavior towards either of these characters, but it is not much different from her behavior towards kensuke and toji, two other boys in her class, so maybe... maybe she just doesn't like boys? lol. i'm aware that asuka is genuinely homophobic and awful in the episode 24 drafts, and that it was in no way, shape, or form the writers' intent to turn that into some sort of commentary on internalized homophobia. but with the canon footage that did get animated, i'm really not sure how else i'm supposed to analyze this aspect of her character.

similarly, i don't appreciate how many fans will treat headcanoning shinji as gay instead of bi is somehow "bi erasure." number one, shinji's behavior and attitudes towards the women around him is actually kind of appalling, so i wouldn't necessarily want to use his objectification of and acts of violence against their bodies as particularly strong evidence that he's genuinely attracted to women. number two, of course a show about a young man made in the late 90's is going to try to portray the people to whom he is attracted primarily as women. partially because they can't start from the get-go with him having his teenage sexual awakening with another male—for a mainstream anime, that wouldn't be profitable—and partially because this is an anime and showing women and girls in a sexual light is profitable. and given shinji's role of audience surrogate, of course he is going to be the one doing the ogling and sexualizing because he is us, and after all, it is the viewer who wants to see the anime tiddies, no? shinji's more sexual encounters with the women in his life are always either deeply awkward, uncomfortable, and even unnatural, or they completely obectify and commodify the bodies of the women in question. for this reason, i have always seen these moments as existing without genuine attraction: only either confusion (because these situations really are quite blatantly sexual) or simply a disingenuous performance of the attraction shinji thinks he should be displaying, manifesting as the same objectification of women he has seen men exhibit for all of his life—it's little more than a mimicry of the bad behavior he has grown up watching, because that's what he thinks attraction towards women is supposed to look like. conversely, his actions with kaworu, while skittish, seem to come much more organically. shinji is constantly and consistently drawn to kaworu, in addition to being willing to open up to kaworu in ways he doesn't let himself with any other person. granted, kaworu is the only person to give shinji the love he desperately needs and craves throughout the entire course of the series, but the fact that kaworu is the first person shinji genuinely acts like a kid his age with a massive crush in a way that doesn't feel blatantly scripted around, as well as the fact that shinji goes on to feel more slighted by kaworu's perceived betrayal than any mistreatment he experiences from anyone in the whole course of the series (save for his literal father)... idk. sus lol

been awhile since i've done a proper rewatch of this show so i can't speak super generally since i unfortunately don't remember too much. one thing i will say though, i LOVE how the series is very upfront about the fact that shinji's loneliness and trauma (and loneliness and trauma in general) are going to be core themes in the series from the start. people say the first 6 episodes are slow just because they don't have as much action as some of the episodes in the middle of the series, but i remember speeding through them in one sitting because i wanted to understand more about shinji and his inner workings; i was fascinated by his psychology. people famously refer to evangelion as a bait-and-switch, and maybe that's true to a degree, because i don't think anyone really saw the shift to more trippy animation coming, but the psychological themes present in the latter parts of the series are still very present in episodes 1-4. i'm also amused by people who say they're "caught off guard" by the last four or so episodes, because the major shift towards being a show primarily about psychology really begins in episode 16, when eva unit 01 is consumed by leliel and shinji has to confront the "self within his self" for the first time in the train car of his mind. i know it begins as just another angel fight but like... guys... how did you miss that... episode 16, because it really is where this shift begins, is actually my favorite episode in the entire series. that, and it was where i was first introduced to this hegelian concept of each person functioning both as an actor or operator who carries out actions, as well as an audience perceiving and observing their actions, their thoughts, and themself. which, to a degree, solidifies the notion that anything and everything technically could be considered performance. it's made my work much, much easier and my day-to-day life much, much more dramatic.

#nge #he scream at own follower #i'm sorry for talking so much about shinji and asuka. the worst part is that theoretically i could say even more #i haven't even started with rei #though she reminds me of someone i lost contact with so i get too emotional about her to say much of any real value

[shreddedparchment]

Pseudo Princess Pt.12

A Special Delivery

10/26/2019

Pairing: King!Steve x Reader         Word Count: 5,520

Warnings: talk of sex, angst, jealousy, violent images, language

A/N: I will come back and add tags after I eat. I’m hungry. And tags take forever. This one will answer a few of the questions I’ve been getting. The next one will answer more. I hope you like it. Let me know what you all think! I read EACH and EVERY comment. There have been a lot lately and I haven’t been able to respond to all of them but be aware that I see them. I read them. I love them. They mean so much. Thank you! If you happen to reblog, thanks for helping me spread my work.

Tags are CLOSED for this story!

Steve watches you lay there, face lacking its usual color, eyes shut to the world, mouth slightly open. His nerves frayed and his mind swirling with all of the possible things that might go wrong.

As Natasha fusses to get your dress open, she turns to him and your rescuer where he hovers also watching you with concern.

“Some privacy, your Majesties, if you please?” She gives Steve a stern look and he nods, eyes moving past her frown to your unconscious face.

“The doctor is on his way, Nat. Can you-?” Steve begins.

“As soon as he’s seen her, I will come find you.” She promises, a little exasperated. “Go, Steve. I’ll take care of her.”

“And her legs, and her…when you undress her, check her all over Nat, make sure she’s doesn’t have a single scratch.” Steve’s voice rises in pitch a little, frantic energy seeping through the calm he’s been trying to maintain.

“Steve,” Nat’s eyes soften as she pauses untying your dress. “I’ve got her. Alright? I’ll be thorough. Go.”

With a nod Steve turns, eyeing the King of Asgard up before he clears his throat to get his attention.

“Your Majesty?” Steve coaxes, voice back to normal, his calm façade a little better in place.

The King of Asgard sighs heavily, turning away from you without meeting Steve’s eyes and heads out into the dark empty hallway.

Steve follows. When he reaches the hallway, he pauses for a moment, just long enough to meet the thunder god’s eyes.

“Can we speak in my office?” Steve asks.

Thor gestures down the hall with one massive hand. “Lead the way, your Majesty.”

As the God smirks, Steve narrows his eyes a bit, trying to understand the sharp edge to his tone.

His office is not far. Just at the other end of the hall, connected to his separate quarters. He hasn’t been sleeping in it since you left him and has elected to sleep by your empty bed, sitting in that chair you like to sit in when you sew.

Of course, only Natasha and Peter have caught him in there. Bucky knows because he knows everything that Steve does, even while he’s been out helping Sam look for you.

The office is not tidy. His papers are scattered across his desk, but he has no idea what is on them or which ones are important. He’s had no time to pay them any mind.

Sure, he tried to get some work done, but every time he did your sobbing face popped back up in his mind and he found himself unable to get any work done.

He waits for Thor to follow him in, then shuts the door behind him. He moves to the fire and grabs a long iron rod to stoke the fire and bring back the warmth, his hands visibly shaking despite the composure he seems to have.

“I think I should thank you.” Steve begins. “Where did you find her? How long has she been with you?”

Thor scoffs.

Steve blinks, considering the reaction to his words then puts the poker back before turning to look at Thor. Brow furrowed, he stares at him, watching as the God’s hands tighten around the back of the chair in front of his desk.

He’s looking down at the seat but not really seeing it. He’s preoccupied, remembering something that’s clearly upset him while shaking his head, a bitter laugh on his lips.

~~~~~~~~~~

“I know that you don’t wish to speak of it, little bird, but I must ask. Did Steve force you?” You’re walking ahead of him, swinging your arms—so carefree, he almost hates to bring this up.

You stop, reaching down to feel the edge of his red cape which he’s ashamed to admit he’s grown fond of seeing you wrapped up in.

Your head tilts down to the ground and you kick a stone that flitters off towards another larger rock where it hits without moving it.

“No.” You sigh. “He didn’t force me but…I don’t know it all felt very—not like what happened the other night.”

He’s not ashamed for touching you…well, maybe a bit. You are his friend’s wife after all, but the idea of you not knowing the bliss that can come from sharing your body with someone. Especially someone you love?

Maybe he’s just a romantic—he misses Jane—but to him, there is nothing more sacred than the shared pleasure, that ethereal connection with someone you care deeply about.

“I’m sorry if I-” He begins, worried that he might have done something you had not wanted.

You hadn’t asked it of him though he could sense your curiosity, the wonder.

And you’re so perfect. So beautiful. How could he resist? His Jane so very far away unsure of her desire to commit. You already so invested in your marriage while Steve pushes you away.

If it had been him, he’d have loved you fiercely after quickly realizing just how wonderful you were. It only took him hours to see it. How can Steve not see it?

“You didn’t.” You assure him, turning to look at him but you don’t smile. You’re ashamed. Sad that you enjoyed yourself though you shouldn’t be. “But I shouldn’t have let you.”

You think for a moment, then smile at him and his heart skips a beat.

“It was only really hard the first two times. The first because it hurt. I’d never been with a man before and his Majesty wanted to get it over with, I think.” Your smile falters. “I’m not his M-”

You don’t seem to be able to say her name.

“I’m not her, so it must have been nauseating for him to be with me in that way. I thought maybe he did like me a little. He was so receptive.

“I was in a lot of pain that first time. That whole week. A part of the second but his Majesty was gentler. Kinder. At least in bed. He never stayed. I slept alone.”

The loneliness in your voice is shattering. It breaks his insides apart, guts him and spills his squiggly red innards.

“I’m grateful.” You tell him to his astonishment.

Your wind whips in the breeze, his red cape drawn more tightly around your body as you snuggle into it, relishing in the warmth it gives. It’s colder in these forests but soon the warmth of Broklin will return.

“When it stopped hurting, I stopped crying. His Majesty was always more bothered when I cried.

“I know that Steve may not be showing you his good qualities at the moment. He’s much more than the man you know. I know you don’t want to hear about her anymore but…Margaret and Steve shared a love like I have never seen.

“They knew each other in and out. My love for Jane can only compare so far. They were born in the same year. They shared the same friends. Same passions. They grew together, shaped each other, they were the closest that I have seen any pair to being one soul split between two bodies. Steve thought he would have her until the day he died.

“He never expected her to go first.” Thor licks his lips, watching as his words crush your heart.

He hates to do it to you, but for the sake of your marriage, you must hear it.

“I know that he loves her very much, Thor.” You nearly sob, looking away from him but he crosses the distance between you and takes your shoulders in hand.

“No, little bird. You don’t. There are many varieties of love and the love that Steve and Margaret shared is the rarest of all. She became a part of him and he of her. If she was troubled, he knew it without needing to ask. If he was injured, she felt it in her bones.” Thor explains. “I saw it for myself.”

You don’t want to hear but picturing them together now feels different. It doesn’t hurt as much. Not in the way it’s been hurting. Not like jealousy.

“Imagine someone ripping out a piece of what makes you the person you are, and you will know what Steve has been suffering. He is not himself little bird. That’s all I mean by this. He will come to his senses and he will bitterly regret the mistakes he’s made with you.

“He will be eager to make amends and right his wrongs. Steven Rogers is not a bad man.” Thor promises. “Only a broken one. I cannot say whether he will ever be whole again, perhaps you will be able to help him-”

“I don’t want to replace her.” You frown. “I’ve never wanted to do that. All I wanted was a chance to know him. I love him…I’ve seen him be himself before. I’ve seen him open up. But never with me. I want it to be with me, Thor.”

Thor squeezes your shoulders. “He will. I guarantee it.”

“He doesn’t even care that I’m gone.” You look down at his chest and he draws you in for a reassuring embrace.

“Trust me, little bird, anyone who has known you would miss you.”

“It’s not his fault, Thor.” You say, not hearing him. “I’m just…not enough. I’m not who I said I am. I’m no one. He deserves more.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“Did I say something amusing?” Steve wonders confused by the King of Asgard’s rudeness.

He’s never done anything but be civil with him and his Kingdom. They’ve forged peace treaties and partnership in trade. Had he forgotten to renew one?

“You think you should thank me? For bringing her back?” Thor looks up at him, seeing through him, back from whatever memory he’d been lost in.

Steve doesn’t like it. He shifts uncomfortably then moves towards his desk.

“Yes. Thank you for keeping her safe.” Steve tells him.

“I did not do it for you.” Thor assures him. “Let me ask you something, Steven—”

For a moment, Steve’s heart feels lighter. Thor hasn’t called him that since they were boys together planning how they would each rule their kingdoms. Dreaming big and ready for the challenge. Steve had been more reluctant, but he’d grown to love the idea with Thor to understand the responsibilities that came with such a job.

“—do you suppose your new wife is happy?” Thor moves to sit down in the seat he’s been standing behind, leaning back with his legs spread open.

It’s an undignified pose but normal for him. Steve takes no offense. In fact, he sits down himself and leans back, relaxing for the first time in weeks.

“I…” Steve thinks fast. Your pretty face, tears streaking across the swell of your cheeks, lip trembling, sobs ripping through your throat all fill his mind again. “No. I don’t suppose she is.”

“She was a virgin when you took her.”

“Yes. I think so.” Steve nods.

“That wasn’t a question. I am telling you because she told me.” Thor lets that sink in.

Steve stares at his old friend, considering the hard set of his eyes, the tick of his jaw. Thor’s angry. This sets Steve on edge. It makes him defensive.

“She told me many things.” Thor continues. “And I gave her comfort. I think I should own up to that now. You see, your wife had no idea that laying with a man might be pleasurable. She assumed that it was always to be painful or unrewarding.

“In all the time I have known you, old friend, I have never suspected you to be as ungenerous as she made you seem.”

“I…” Steve begins, but Thor doesn’t let him finish.

“I will say my piece and then you may respond.” Thor orders and this makes Steve bristle.

Him? Being ordered in his own castle? In his own office?

“Thor-”

“I had her.” He states, a small shrug thrown Steve’s way. “Not completely. Just enough to show her what love might feel like.”

“You what?” Anger like he’s never known sets his blood to boil and Steve must remind himself that Thor is his friend. That laying a hand on him in this moment would bring about war. Seeing past the red haze is difficult.

“I couldn’t believe my ears when she laughed in my face and told me that sex hadn’t and shouldn’t feel good. She said she’d wait until you’re finished and then do as the doctors ordered to ensure she became pregnant. She told me that the pain finally stopped. That finally it didn’t hurt, and she was very happy, because it meant that you could bed her, and she would no longer cry.

“Did her crying upset you?” Steve watches him drag his plump lower lip through his teeth, glaring at the long-haired blonde, wishing he could rid himself of the urge to sink his dagger into his chest. “I’m surprised it took her so long to leave you.”

“Where do you get off-?”

“I said I would say my piece.” Thor says calmly, but his eyes flash bright blue and outside thunder crackles overhead as lightning flashes through the window.

Steve isn’t afraid of the thunder God, his glare seethes.

“She tried to speak up for you. She’s in love with you. I don’t know why. I haven’t seen it for myself, haven’t been here, but I can see the loneliness in her eyes. And for a night at least, I was able to relieve her of it.”

“How dare you touch-!” Steve cuts off his wild guttural threat, the black pit in his stomach seems to be expanding upwards into his chest. It drags him down to the deepest depths of hell and he hates that he made you suffer.

You tear him to shreds with your tears and all the pain he’s given you. He can never make it up to you. He can’t make it right. Now he hears that you’ve been…touched by someone else? A God? By Thor?!

Painful images of you caressing Thor’s cheeks and hair, running your hands over his muscles as he thrusts into you fill Steve’s mind.

Fury! He feels the most potent fury at the sight in his head.

“Does that make you angry? That I’ve tasted your Queen?” Thor asks, keeping his voice even and quiet. “She’s very sweet, Steve. Like peaches dipped in honey. She trembled with ecstasy and cried because she didn’t know it could feel so good.”

Steve is on his feet, fists clenched at his sides as he glares daggers at this traitor. This so-called friend.

The image in his mind changes, Thor's head between your legs as you throw your own back, hands fisting his hair as he grips your thighs.

No!

“I should have you taken to the dungeon and beheaded.” Steve growls, spitting angry, with eyes like the devil when his souls are due.

Thor doesn’t seem to take the threat seriously. He leans forward, elbows on his knees as he gets a good look into Steve’s eyes. He looks a little happy too. Like he’s enjoying Steve’s reaction.

“Why do you treat her so?” He asks, curious. “Is it because of Maggie?”

“Don’t.” Steve growls harder, voice cutting out as a surprised sob slips through. The anger fades from his face, replaced by shocked heartache at the mention of Maggie. “Don’t.”

“It has been nearly three years since you lost her. I know what you lost. I know that no one can replace what the two of you shared but it’s no longer just you. Someone else is living and breathing in this castle and she’s placed all of her hopes on you.” Thor gripes, real concern for his friend turning his voice soft.

“I know.” Steve whispers, fighting the sorrow in his chest as he sits back down.

“Do you?” Thor checks, eyebrows shooting up into his forehead.

Steve looks up at him and seems to have gotten some of his composure back.

“You have been so wrapped up in your grief that you’ve ignored the woman you’ve married. It is not her fault that you loved someone else first. It’s not her fault that you lost Maggie. But you’re punishing her as if it were.”

“I know it’s not…” Steve argues.

“Then why do you only see your own grievances? Why can you only see your own sorrow? Your wife is reaching out to you, to know you, and you will not let her.” Thor seems to get angrier as he speaks. Exasperation making him breathless as he moves to the edge of his seat.

He gestures at the doorway they’d just walked through, to you down the hall in your bedroom.

Steve knows that he means that you’re trying to touch his heart. He’s going to try and let you. He won’t run away from it anymore.

“She was uprooted from her life and brought here. She was given into your care and you’ve done nothing but show her that her life is not only valued at less than the memory of someone long gone, but that you don’t care whether she is happy in her new home. Your subjects can see that.

“Do you not hear the gossip that snakes its way through your kingdom? The Crazy Queen. Poor King Rogers. He had to marry King Stark’s mad daughter. He clearly doesn’t love her. Look at how he shuns her. Why can’t she just stay in her room where none of us must see her?

“Nobody wants her.” Thor finishes, slapping the harsh words without remorse. “Not even the King.”

“I do want her.” Steve argues, angry again, voice gruff. “I do. I just…”

“Do you hate her?”

“No.” Steve glares. “Of course, I don’t hate her. Would I have married her if I hated her?”

Yes. He would have. He hates to admit it. But he doesn’t hate you. You fill his thoughts now.

“Then what will you do if you lose this one too?” Thor asks, punching Steve in the gut with his words.

Steve slams his fist on the desk, hating the ache that strangles his heart. “No!”

Thor simply watches.

“I won’t lose her, Thor. I-I can’t.” Steve gets up and begins to pace, reaching up to wipe his face in frustration. “Where is that damn doctor? Why hasn’t Nat come?”

“You almost did lose her.” Thor nods, ignoring Steve’s sudden panic at his reminder that you’re lying in your bed unconscious. “And I don’t mean her injuries. You pushed her away so harshly that she ran away from you. Imagine what she must have felt to leave you, forgoing all care for her reputation and safety. If I hadn’t found her wandering in the woods, she might very well be dead right now. She wasn’t in the greatest condition when I found her. Sick. Hungry. Parched.”

Steve sits again and buries his face in his hands, gasping hard as the strife of worry finally catches up with him. He’s been holding it in since you went away, refusing to really feel it. To let others see it.

Pierce and Rumlow had come the closest.

“A little bit longer and you would have lost her just as you lost Margaret.” Thor says gently.

“I can’t.” Steve groans, hands sliding up into his hair to pull harshly. “I can’t lose her.”

“Then fix this.” Thor tells him, urging his old friend to do what’s right. “Fix this before she stops loving you. And if you think you can love her, even if it is only a little bit, don’t leave her in any doubt of it. I will not be the last man to show interest.”

Steve’s face contorts into a grimace, upset and angry but it almost seems like it’s directed at himself. He meets Thor’s eyes with that same agonized look on his face.

“Did you really…did you and she…?”

Thor is silent. It’s answer enough but Steve stares, wanting more details. Even though his eyes are pools of anguish because he knows that Thor didn’t lie about having tasted you, he wants to know how and for how long.

“Tell me.” Steve begs, almost afraid of what he might say.

How will he compare to a God? He’s already done such a horrible job at being your husband. He’s left your bed how many nights with you sobbing into your pillow? How many more where you just laid there without complaint?

“I don’t want to be indiscreet.” Thor hesitates.

“I think we’re well past that, Thor. Just…tell me.” Steve sighs. “Did you sleep with her?”

“No.” Thor assures him. “I thought about it.”

Steve glares at him but takes a shaky breath and nods. “Did you-”

“I touched her with my hands until she neared release. I attempted cunnilingus but, she stopped me when she came close. I don’t think it’s me she wanted touching her in such ways.” Thor says.

Steve has that urge to stab his friend again. He pushes through it, reminding himself that if he hadn’t been terrible to you then you would have never run out on him and you would have never met Thor and been placed in such an awkward position.

“Steve…” Thor begins, pulling Steve’s storm blue gaze back up to his.

When Thor is sure that he has his friend’s undivided attention, he speaks.

“I can see that you care about her. It isn’t just that she’s your wife that makes you want to stab me with your dagger.”

“How do you know that I-?” Steve asks, astonished that Thor knows Steve’s violent thoughts.

“Because it is what I would want to do if I learned that someone other than myself had touched the Lady Jane. I felt bad for her pain and I’d be lying if I said that your sweet wife is not tempting. She has a fighter’s spirit but the gentility of a true Queen. She has compassion which is difficult to find in the ruling class. If I did not love Jane as much as I do, and if she were not already your wife, I would take her as my own.” Thor confesses and it scares Steve.

Is Thor right? Will there be other suitors? Other men that will think it’s possible to steal you from him?

“Perhaps I still might?” Thor threatens.

Steve renews his glare, hating him if only because he’s done something that he hasn’t done himself.

He’s tasted you. Seen you happy beneath him. Given you pleasure when Steve has only given you pain.

“As I said before,” Thor insists. “If you love her, even just a small amount, you must tell her and tell her soon. Her patience is wearing thin with you Steve. She cannot wait for you forever. She might be your Queen until the day she dies but she doesn’t have to love you.”

Steve considers the possibility. You by his side until you’re both old and gray and you, with a string of lovers over a lifetime in a loveless marriage. He doesn’t like the idea of someone else touching you. He hates it even more to think that you might not love him. That you won’t want him around you.

“Fix it.” Thor orders, and Steve feels obliged to obey.

“There’s something else.” Thor states, leaning back in his chair again, but he nods at the red leather-bound book that Steve had caught you reading the title of. “Two things actually.”

“What is it?” Steve asks, reaching to place his hand on the book only after glancing towards the doorway full of worry. Has the doctor come yet?

“First, the reason that Y/N is in her current state is because we were attacked. More specifically, she was.” Thor hold out his hand as Steve makes to get up, body tense with fear. “Don’t worry, she wasn’t injured by anyone but a few rocks as she fell.”

“What happened?” Steve demands.

“We were on our way back here. She’d decided to come back home to you, and we were very nearly here when someone came out of the trees and swung their sword at her.” Suddenly, Thor smiles. “She’s very spry, your sweet wife. She ducked as easily as if she were breathing and avoided the blow. Had it not rained the night before I think she might have been able to get back to me, but the rocks were wet, and she slipped.”

“Slipped?” Steve asks with a light gasp, as if he can’t believe it. “She just slipped?”

“She hit her side and her head. It’s why she’s asleep.” Thor explains.

It all feels too familiar and it’s burning Steve up from the inside, charring his nerves into familiar broken numbness.

Just an accident. Maggie’s fall was also just an accident.

“She’ll pull out of this, Steve. Your queen is strong. She wouldn’t let something this simple keep her down. Not when she’s got you here waiting for her.” Thor assures him.

“Who was it?” Steve asks, so very tired all of a sudden as he runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face.

“I can’t be sure, but it looked like Hydra.” Thor nods.

“They’re back.” Steve realizes.

“And with a vengeance. For some reason, they want your new queen dead.” Thor shakes his head, and Steve can see that Thor really does care for you. Too much in his opinion.

Steve’s mind is already racing, connecting dots. “I think I know who’s behind it, but I’ll never be able to prove it.”

Thor nods. “We’ll have to be vigilant then, until we can.”

They lapse into silence, both thinking about Hydra until Steve remembers that there was something else Thor wanted to say.

“What was the second thing?” He asks.

“What?” Thor seems confused for a moment.

Steve raises both eyebrows, waiting.

“Oh!” Thor shakes his head, “Right. The other thing.”

Steve waits, heart pounding.

~~~~~~~~~~

You’re groggy.

It feels like you’ve been sleeping for hours and hours. Days. Weeks even.

You struggle to push past the fog and when you manage to open your eyes, you feel the resistance of your own body as you attempt to speak.

Quickly, as your mind wakes up, it reminds you of the last things you saw.

A flash of silver, black mass, the slip of your foot, pain against your side and against your head.

Dread fills you. A slow frenzy begins to build in your chest as your heart picks up pace. Hands trembling you reach to press your hands against the side that you hit yourself on.

Movement to your right draws your eye and you see Nat, dressed in an emerald green dress with dark gray damask embroidery from head to toe, stoking your fire to make your room warm.

You have no time to appreciate the comforts you’re surrounded in—the soft white fabric of your luxurious nightdress, the plush mattress you lay on, the puffy pillows and the much welcome smell of peony, jasmine, and lilac with the residual smell of juniper blossoms that fills your head with the memory of beautiful long and golden hair.

Reaching out, you wheeze as you attempt to speak. You can’t breathe in. Why?

Nat turns, her eyes flare as she spots you awake and she’s by your side in seconds.

“Oh, Y/N! I could kill you.” She picks up your hand and kisses the back of it then presses it to her cheek before she looks at you again. “Oh, no…don’t panic, you’re safe. Shhh.”

Panic? Is that why you can’t breathe.

“Breathe, your Majesty. Breathe.” Nat urges.

She breathes in and then out.

“Like this.” She does it again and this time you follow.

Your eyes spill tears, torrid fat drops that fill your pillow by your ear making it cold and wet.

“There you go. Are you in pain?” She worries, her hands dropping yours so that she can run them up and down your arms and legs.

“Nat!” You nearly shout, reaching for her sleeve to pull her back up. “Please…”

Your left hand is pressed against your stomach carefully, protectively. Nat’s eyes follow it and then she stares at you with shock for all of a second before she’s moving to get on her feet.

“We need the doctor!” She shouts towards the door.

“No.” You almost growl, pulling on her arm and back down onto the edge of the bed.

At the other end of the room, your doors open and Peter and Bucky both come in to stand by the door looking concerned and terrified.

Nat moves in closer as you pull her down.

“Not the doctor.” You swallow hard, pushing past the emotional lump in your throat. You’re still crying those fat heavy tears, but you’re not sobbing. “In my old village…”

Speaking slowly so that you get it out all in one go, Nat watches your lips and then meets your eyes, flitting between the two as you speak to her with what must be vital importance.

“…there is an old woman. In Charmlee Forest, twenty minutes to the East of my village you will find her hut. When she was younger, she used to be a midwife. I need her, Nat. Bring her here. Please. No one else. Just her.”

Nat is on her feet, racing towards the doorway. As she passes Bucky and Peter, Bucky grabs her elbow and stops her.

“Where are you going? What did she say?” Bucky asks.

“I need to send a rider to Malibia, Charmlee Forest. There’s an old woman that she needs. A doctor.” Nat lies, knowing you well enough now to know you don’t want this out there yet.

“I’ll go.” Bucky tells her and without another word he’s gone.

Nat looks to Peter and moves to shut the door to keep the heat in the room, but Peter moves inside before she can close it.

Knowing that help is coming, you relax a little but continue to cry. Your eyes find Peter’s and your sorrow is renewed when you see the red rim around his eyes. They sparkle with unshed tears and you bite your bottom lip.

“Peter, I’m so sorry.” You gasp, reaching out for him.

He takes our hand and gives it a squeeze before kneeling down beside your bed to simply hold your hand.

“I would have taken you anywhere you wanted to go.” He explains, quickly wiping the tears from his eyes.

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” You admit, then look at Nat who’s hovering by the bottom right post at the end of your bed. “I was just so…I stopped thinking and my feet led me away from here. I was days gone when I realized the worry that I would put you through. I cannot ask for your forgiveness, but please accept my apology.”

“Life for you hasn’t been easy here, your Majesty.” Peter says, drawing your eyes away from Nat. “We understand that.”

He looks at Nat, then sighs before meeting your eyes again. “We aren’t angry that you ran. Anyone would have left much sooner. I only wish I had known so that I could go with you. To protect you.”

“I know.” You sigh. “I missed you both so much. For a long time you were my only incentive to return and I started the journey several times until I found…”

Quickly your eyes scan the room. “Where’s Thor?”

“He’s with Steve in his office. They’ve been in there for hours.” Nat tells you.

Steve. The prospect of seeing him again is both exciting and painful. Flames of anger lick at your bones and you can’t pretend that you don’t feel it.

“I don’t want to see him.” You suddenly say.

“Thor?” Peter asks, giving your hand a squeeze.

“His Majesty,” You say flatly. “I don’t want to see him.”

Nat moves closer to you, sitting to your right by your knees. “Y/N…”

“I don’t want to see him, Nat. I can’t. Not after what he said.” You’ll never forgive him for wishing he wasn’t married to you. For saying that he shouldn’t have.

You’re his wife. Whether he likes it or not…but maybe you’ll all of this go. All the feelings you never asked for. The love you never wanted.

“Y/N…with the way you fell, Steve will want to see you.” Nat begins again, trying to sound calm as she places her hand on your thigh. “It’s very similar to the way Margaret-”

“I’m done listening about Margaret, Nat. Please don’t say her name to me again.” You’re harsh with her, but you don’t feel bad. “I can’t hear it anymore.”

She sighs. “It’ll be hard to keep him out of here.”

“Lock my door.” You whisper. “Until I see the old woman, I will not see him, Nat.”

Peter squeezes your hand. “I’ll make sure he stays away.”

As you meet his eyes, you see his determination. Thank the Gods for Peter Benjamin Parker.

#king!steve x reader #king!steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x reader #steve x reader #medieval au #marvel fanfiction #avengers x reader #king!steve rogers x reader fic #king!steve rogers x reader fanfic #king!steve rogers x reader fanfiction #king!steve rogers x you #king!steve rogers x y/n #king!steve x reader fanfiction #king!steve x you #king!steve x y/n #stever x reader fanfiction #steve x you #steve x y/n #marvel au #captain america x reader #pseudo princess pt12 #pseudo princess

[stevesnailbat]

fear of the (un)known | steve harrington

chapter nine : nobody said it was easy

summary: Grace, or 007 as she had been called, finally escaped Hawkins Lab after seventeen long years. But, freedom is a lot harder than she thought it would be to maintain. 

warnings: Hop being his argumentative self, mentions of blood, angst, Grace uses her powers!

word count: 4.4K (got carried away with this one!! lots of actual dialogue from the show though)

read the rest HERE!

Grace knows she’s in for it when Hopper catches her nearly kissing Steve in front of the cabin. But at this point, she can’t be bothered to care. She was centimeters and milliseconds away from kissing Steve, and it consumes her mind and takes over any worry that might come from the bad situation she put herself into. Her fingers ache and her heart pounds, the feeling of Steve’s cheek against her fingertips still lingering as she sits on the couch. The thoughts of Steve are interrupted by Hop swinging the front door open, then slamming it shut behind him while glaring in her direction.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Hop seethes while stepping towards the couch. “You went to the mall? The goddamn mall? For what?”

“I—I don’t know, I’m tired of being stuck here! I need to get out, I can’t stay cooped up in this little cabin forever, neither can El.” she retorts, attempting to stay calm as the man in front of her grows more annoyed with her excuses.

“If you were here, you’d know that El actually got to get out of the house and is spending the night with Max right now. Because she was safe and didn’t do anything stupid.” he sighs in an exasperated tone, which almost makes Grace laugh at the irony—considering El was just at the same mall the day before.

“We’ve discussed this. You stay in this cabin and you stay safe, that’s what we want.”

“No, that’s what you want. I want to live, which I haven’t been able to do for eighteen years—“

“Oh, save me the sob story. You just want to go see Steve, don’t you?” he implores, Grace’s eyes widen at him blunt comment. “You’re risking your safety to pursuit this stupid crush—“

“That’s not true, I do not like him—“

“Oh, you don’t! That’s just hilarious, kid.” Hop says with an incredulous chuckle, shaking his head. “Then what were you about to do before I walked outside? Just pat his cheek and tell him he did a good job slinging his damn ice cream today? I don’t think so.”

She only sits on the couch, picking at her thumbs while staring at the ground as Hop’s gaze seems to bore holes into the side of her head. It’s a terrifying scene for her, she doesn’t want to be stupid, she knows she’s not entirely stupid. But in the moment, she halfway feels like an utter idiot for even thinking about going to the mall in the first place, and for even setting her sights on Steve. She doesn’t want to let Hop down, but it seems to be past that point now. 

Tears prick the corners of her eyes and anger begins to bubble in her chest as she lets his words mull over in her mind for a moment. He’s angry and now he can tell she is too, but doesn’t realize what the anger threatening to boil over could do. As much as she doesn’t want to let Hop down, she’s angry with him for the stupid lecture he was giving her, making her throw caution and care to the wind. 

“Will you even give me a chance to explain what we were doing?” she questions, but Hop scoffs at her words.

“No, because whatever it was, it wasn’t as important as staying safe, damnit!” Hop argues, his hand coming down on the back of the couch with a loud smack.

“I was trying to help—“

“I don't wanna hear it! I know the real reason you were there.” he says lowly, rolling his eyes at the thought. “You should stay away from him, you know.”

“What? No! I’m not gonna stay—“

“It’s dangerous. We can’t have you keeping up this destructive behavior and he seems to be apart of it!” he states in a harsh tone, the frown on Grace’s face setting in deeper. 

“You’re not even letting me explain myself at all, are you?” she states, standing up from the couch while giving him a challenging stare.

Grace could feel the anger building again, but it felt different now. It was stronger than just minutes before, like it was coming from another source, like she was beginning to lose control. She couldn’t let herself lose control again, it would be detrimental to have to start all over. She had done so well, but now using her powers was seeming to be a prominent thought plaguing her mind, which could only mean that as she was getting stronger, so were her powers. 

“No, I won’t. Because you’re not understanding what I’m trying to say. I’m trying to keep you safe and protected from the hell that you came from, understand?” Hop says harshly, giving her a sharp stare as she glares over at him.

“No, I don't really understand. But, I guess I probably never will.” Grace says, turning on her heels to walk towards her bedroom while trying to keep her cool. 

“Hey, we aren’t done with this conversation!” he calls out to her, she chuckles bitterly in return. 

“You might not be, but I sure as hell am.” she says harshly, reaching for the handle on the door to her bedroom. 

When the cool metal doesn’t hit her hand, she’s perplexed but not looking at the door in front of her, but at Hop instead. After giving him one last glare to end her argument, Grace notices the bedroom door now wide open, unlike before. She steps into the room and swings her hand backwards, slamming the door behind her without really realizing. When the door slams without her touching it, she finally looks up and her eyes go wide, feeling the power coursing through her veins and small droplet of blood coming from her nose.

“Holy shit.” she mumbles to herself while ignoring Hop’s yelling from the other side of the door, realization hitting her like a wave when she wipes the blood dribbling onto her lip with her hand. 

It didn’t feel right, that’s for damn sure. Heat radiated through her chest and it felt like she was on some kind of power trip, but it all felt wrong. It was her fault, she couldn’t blame anyone but herself—well, she could, but she couldn’t think of anyone else to blame. If she would’ve just casually used her powers every once in a while, she wouldn’t be in this situation. Tears were spilling down her cheeks and she barely even realized, so caught up in the moment that she couldn’t even catch herself. 

A small sob escapes her lips as she feels herself letting go, letting the power take over for a moment. She’s too curious and she knows it, but she has to know what she’s capable of. She’s sitting on her bed as she flicks her hand up, mind set on locking the bedroom door. The lock turns with a loud click and she’s halfway satisfied with what she’s developed, but knows that moving small things with her mind is minute in comparison to other things she hadn’t discovered.

Grace doesn’t even bother to change out of her clothes or get under the covers when she lies down, a feeling of exhaustion from using her powers once in the last few months taking over quickly. She knows the blood on her hand will stain the sheet, but her body won’t let her get up from the bed to even get a tissue, as sleep comes to her almost as soon as her tear-stained cheek hits the pillow. 

Sneaking out in the mid-afternoon is a lot easier than Grace expected, since she emerges from her room to find an empty house. She takes advantage of the loneliness and bolts back to her bedroom, changing her clothes quickly before heading out the front door of the cabin. She’s on her bike and on her way to the mall in minutes, the path between the cabin and Starcourt is traced into the back of her mind like she’s done it a million times now. 

Steve and Dustin are in the back room when she gets to Scoops, discussing possible ways to sneak into the base. 

“Where’s Robin?” she questions, ignoring the way Steve’s eyes light up when he notices her walk into the room.

“Not sure, she ran out with a bunch of our tip money and said she’d be back.” Steve says with a shrug. “Are we not fun enough for you?” 

“I think I like Robin better than both of you.” Grace teases, sitting down in one of the chairs as both of the boys furrow their brows. “She is pretty cool, you know.”

Before Steve can argue with her, Robin pushes through the door with a large scroll of paper in hand.

“It's fascinating what 20 bucks will get you at the County Recorder's Office.” Robin says, setting the paper down on the table to roll them out. "Starcourt Mall. The complete blueprints.”

Steve, Dustin and Grace look between each other in wonder, all moving to look at the paper sprawled across the table quickly.

“So, this is us, Scoops, and this is where we want to get." Robin says, finger sliding across the paper to point at the location of the loading dock.

"I mean, I don't really see a way in.” Steve says, furrowing his brows.

"There's not, if you're talking exclusively about doors.” Robin quips.

"Air ducts.” Dustin says matter-of-factly.

“Exactly. Turns out, this secret room needs air just like any old room. And these air ducts lead all the way…here.” Robin replies, tracing a path on the blueprints with a marker.

They all discuss getting into the vents for a moment, then decide Dustin would be their best bet on fitting through. Steve finds a screwdriver and a ladder then gets to work on opening the air duct in the corner of the break room. There’s an uneasy feeling in the pit of Grace’s stomach about the whole situation—like all of it has something to do with the lab—but she stays quiet for the time being. She can protect them if anything bad happens, she knows she can. 

"Flashlight. Thank you.” Steve says to Dustin, trading the grate and screwdriver in his hands for the flashlight to look into the air duct. "Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know if you can fit in here. It's, like...super tight.”

"I'll fit. Trust me. No collar bones, remember?” Dustin responds, moving up the ladder as Steve steps down.

"Uh, excuse me?” Robin says, looking from a wide-eyed Grace over to a very casual Steve.

"Oh, he's, uh...Yeah, he's got some disease.” Steve starts, shrugging his shoulders. "Chry, uh... It's chrydo, um… Something. He's missing. Yeah, I dunno, bones and stuff. He can bend like Gumbo."

Grace giggles at his explanation, seeing the visible struggle on his face as he feels her eyes on him. 

"You mean Gumby.” Robin replies with raised eyebrows.

"I'm pretty sure it's Gumbo.” Steve says confidently, nodding quickly.

"Steve, just shut up and push me!” Dustin shouts, his voice muffled since his head and shoulders are pushed partially inside of the air duct.

"I’ll push ya.” Steve says, standing on the second step of the ladder to grab Dustin’s feet, giving them a light push.

"Okay. Not my feet, dumbass. Push my ass.” Dustin calls out.

“What?” Steve calls back, throwing the boy’s legs over his shoulder.

"Touch my butt! I don't care! Come on! Harder! Push harder!” Dustin shouts.

"I'm pushing!” Steve argues, pushing a little harder than before.

Grace turns her attention from the boys out for a moment and looks over to Robin, who has the same amused yet concerned look on her face. They both laugh together, Robin leaning against the table as she looks at Grace. 

“Are they always like this?” Robin asks, eyes flickering towards the two bickering in front of them. 

“Yeah, pretty much.” Grace laughs, shaking her head. 

Their conversation is interrupted by the sound of the bell by the register being rung over and over again. Grace doesn’t recognize the girl behind the counter, but can tell that she’s a regular at the shop by the way Robin reacts to it. Robin turns towards the noise and a curious look crosses her face, ignoring the words that the girl says. She looks to Grace once more, as if to tell her that she has a better idea for the vents. Before Grace can even ask, Robin is out the door and standing at the front counter, talking to the girl. 

Robin, Steve and Dustin introduce Grace to the girl, who she finds out is Erica Sinclair, Lucas’ little sister. Steve and Dustin are all for the plan to have Erica help get to the loading dock, since they have no other options available to them. Grace has her doubts about pushing Erica through the air ducts, but lets them explain their plan to the girl and keeps her doubts to herself once again. 

After much ice cream and convincing, Erica is also in on the plan. She negotiates free ice cream for life from the shop and Steve and Robin don’t have much of a choice but to agree. They wait until after the mall is closed to start the operation, handing Erica one of Dustin’s Walkie Talkies so they can communicate to her from the top of the mall.

"Erica, do you copy?” Robin calls through the Walkie as they watch the loading dock door.

"Mm-hmm. I copy. You nerds in position or what?” Erica responds. 

"Yeah, we're in position.” Robin says, eyes scanning the area one last time for signs of life. "It's all quiet here, so you've got the green light."

"Green light, roger that.” Erica says. "Commence Operation Child Endangerment."

"Can we maybe not call it that?” Robin pleads.

"See you on the other side. Nerds.” Erica replies, ignoring her request. 

The Walkie goes silent for a while, save Erica asking for directions every few minutes. It all goes smoothly and there’s no complications, which makes them all hopeful for a good outcome. 

"All right, nerds. I'm there.” Erica says after a long, heavy silence.

"Do you—Do you see anything?” Robin says, feeling relieved to hear that she’s made it.

"Yeah, I see those boring boxes you're so excited about.” Erica replies.

"Any guards?"

“Negative."

"Booby traps?"

"If I could see them, they'd be pretty shit traps, wouldn't they?” Erica quips.

"Thank you for that.” Robin sighs.

"I'm in.” Erica says eventually, after kicking in the air duct grate to get into the room.

"Oh, God.” Steve sighs, running his hands through his hair nervously. 

Grace squeezes his shoulder in a comforting way, giving him a sympathetic smile as if to assure him everything would be okay. Steve’s heart skips a beat at the smile she gives him, dropping a hand from his hair to squeeze her hand right back. Seconds later, the alarm for the loading dock sounds and the doors swing open, revealing an unharmed Erica on the other side.

"Free ice cream for life.” Erica states, stepping out of the room while pointing up at them on the roof. 

The four of them rush down through the mall and to the loading dock, quick to explore what’s inside the room and the boxes they were so interested in. Steve grabs one of the cardboard boxes labeled with the Imperial Panda logo and opens it quickly, all of them looming over it to notice the metal box within the cardboard. 

"That's definitely not Chinese food.” Steve states, grabbing the top of one of the four cylinders within the box. "Uh, maybe you guys should, you know, stand back."

“No.” Dustin says firmly.

“Just—Just step back, okay?” Steve demands, putting his hand against Dustin’s chest.

“No.” Dustin argues.

"Step back. Seriously.” Steve replies.

"No! No!” Dustin yells, standing his ground. "If you die, I die.”

“Okay.” Steve says after a long pause between the two of them.

He unlocks one of the four cylinders in the box, clicking it out of place to pull it up. Grace, Robin and Erica watch from afar as Steve pulls up a glass container of green liquid, that seems like it’s almost glowing within the container. Grace knows it’s most likely some kind of element used for weapons, but doesn’t have enough time to even think about what exactly someone would use it for. 

“What the hell?"

"What is that?”

The questioning is cut off by a loud bang under their feet, causing them all to move abruptly at the noise.

"Was that just me, or did the room move?” Dustin asks hesitantly, feeling the floor shifting beneath them.

"Booby traps.” Steve and Dustin whisper together.

"You know what?” Steve says, taking the cylinder from the box. "Let's just grab that and go."

"Which one do I press, Erica?” Dustin questions, pressing the open door button frantically.

"Just press the damn button, nerd.” Erica snaps.

"Which one? I'm pressing the button, okay?” Dustin asks again.

"Press open door.” she responds.

"I'm pressing open door.” he says.

"Just open the—Press the other button.” Steve interjects, reaching around Dustin to press the buttons.

"Out of the way so she can push the button—“ Robin calls to the boys. 

“Steve—“ Grace says, but her calls fall on deaf ears.

"Would you stop?” Dustin says to Steve. 

"I'm trying.” Steve says.

"Would you let me just do it? Would you stop?” Dustin argues, pushing Steve once more.

"Just open the door!”

The door to the dock seals shut with a loud bang and the room begins to move, slowly at first. Grace locks eyes with Steve from across the room and there’s panic written all over his face, she knows he’s thinking the same thing she is. The floor starts to move even faster, a horrible feeling rising in their stomach as they begin their free-fall.

"Oh, shit.” Steve mumbles.

The speed of the fall increases quickly, leaving them all bracing themselves against the walls and shelves of the room. Grace presses herself against one of the shelves, clutching onto the bars for dear life before Steve’s hand presses in front of her, pushing her back behind him to keep her secured. They’re all screaming now, unsure of what else to do in the situation.

"Shit! Shit!” Dustin screams as he rushes towards the buttons once more.

"We're going down! We're going down!” Steve yells, pressing himself against the wall as Grace’s hand wraps around his arm. 

"Yeah, no shit, Harrington!” Robin calls out, back pressed flush against some boxes.

"Why don't these buttons work?” Dustin says frantically, still pressing the buttons quickly.

"Press the button!” Erica demands, walking towards him.

“What do you think I'm doing?” Dustin snaps, still toying with the buttons.

"Come on, press something! Just press the button! Push it!” Steve cries out.

As Erica and Dustin continue to fight over the buttons, the elevator comes to a slamming halt at the bottom. All of them fall in different directions, Grace clings to the shelves to stay as upright as possible but Steve flies onto the ground beside her, 

"Oh! My groin. It fell on my groin.” Steve groans, trying to push one of the boxes off of himself, but to no avail. "Dustin! Get this off of me! I can't move."

"Is everyone okay?” Robin asks, standing up slowly as they watch Dustin pull the box from on top of Steve.

"Yeah, I'm great, now that I know that Russians can't design elevators!” Steve cries, pushing Dustin out of the way to press the buttons on the control panel once again.

"I think we've clearly established that those buttons don't work.” Robin sighs.

“Steve, c’mon, they don’t work.” Grace states, trying to reason with the frantic teen.

"They're buttons. They have to do something.” Steve exclaims, throwing his hands up as he speaks.

“Yeah, if we had a keycard.” Robin states. 

"A what?"

"It's an electronic lock. Same as the loading dock door.” Robin explains. "If we don't have a keycard, it won't operate, meaning—“

"We're stuck in here.” Dustin interjects.

“Yeah.” 

"Just so you nerds are aware, I'm supposed to be spending the night at Tina’s, and Tina always covers for me.” Erica begins, pointing at the very exhausted Steve and Robin spitefully. "But if I'm not home for Uncle Jack's party tomorrow and my mom finds out you four are responsible, she's gonna hunt you down, one by one, and slit your throat."

“I don't care about Tina! Or Uncle Jack's party! Your mom's not gonna be able to find us if we're dead in a Russian elevator!” Steve yells, slamming his hands against the cardboard boxes in front of him desperately.

“Hey.” Dustin interrupts calmly, pointing to a door above them. "What if we climbed out?"

Dustin stand on top of one of the tables, unlocking the door to climb on top of the room. Steve follows behind him, letting out a sigh of defeat and disappointment as he stands next to the boy. They both look up, taking in the dramatic height they’d just fallen as the idea of climbing is thrown out the window.

"What were you saying about climbing?” Steve says, earning a slight glare in his direction from Dustin. 

Minutes feel like hours as they wait in the elevator, trying to think of anything that they can do to escape. Grace thinks of anything she could possibly do to help, but cuts any ideas off about using her powers before even voicing them. Erica and Robin don’t know about her powers, she can’t risk exposing herself just yet, only when the circumstances are right. Everyone is sitting on the floor, Erica and Dustin are trying to settle down for sleep and Robin is going through her own plan once more after going through it with Steve while she studies the cylinder of liquid they found earlier. 

Grace is sitting in the corner, trying not to panic too much about what could happen to all of them.

“Hey.” Steve says to her, pulling her from her deep thoughts as he slides down the wall to sit next to her. “How you holding up over here?”

“Fine.” she lies, shrugging her shoulders while leaning her head against the cold metal wall. 

“That’s a lie.” he chuckles sadly, looking over at her with a concerned look on his face. “I wish I could read your mind right now.”

“You probably wouldn’t want to.” she says, a bitter smile on her lips as she puts a finger against her temple. “There's a lot of chaos up here right now.”

Steve laughs with her for a moment, stopping after noting the sad look in her eyes. He can tell that she’s concerned for him, like she’s afraid he’s gonna put himself in harm’s way. His heart aches for her, knowing that she knows nothing other than protecting others, and that she’ll stop at nothing to make sure they’re all okay.

“We’re gonna be alright, you know that, right?” he assures her, putting his hand on top of hers on the floor. “We’ll make it out alive, I know we will.”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you, Steve. Or any of the rest of them, I want everyone to make it out safely, not just alive.” Grace says, eyes clouded with fear and doubt as she looks over to him.

“I know, Grace. And we will, we’ll all be safe and you’ll get to go back to Hop and El in the cabin. Maybe after this we can get things back to normal and make a compromise with Hop so you can get out of the house more, live like a normal eighteen year old.” he suggests, making her eyes light up, but only for a moment. 

Her thoughts wander to Hop and El for a moment, fear rushing through her at the thought of them being in the middle of all of this too. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment to calm herself down, but only thinks of her family. For a second, it’s like she’s with them both, but they’re all in different places. Grace can tell exactly where they are and—if she was able to leave the elevator—could get to them easily. 

It’s the same thing that had happened earlier in the week when she went to Starcourt for the first time, like she just had an innate sense of how to find Steve, and now El and Hop. It’s like something’s pulling her forward, the fear she’s feeling is motivating her to gain enough strength to fight against whatever is beneath the surface in the base so she can get to her family, and get Steve and the gang home safe. Although she can’t get to them, it’s comforting knowing that she can make sure they’re safe on the surface.

“I’m getting stronger.” she says softly after opening her eyes, a hint of fear laced in her words. “I—I can find people now, without even trying.”

“Did you just—“ Steve starts, but her nodding stops him from talking. 

“I just saw El and Hop. They’re safe, for now at least. They just popped up in my thoughts, just now.” she replies, rolling her head against the wall to gaze over at him while squeezing his hand. “If anything happens, I can find all of you. I’ll take care of us, okay?” 

“I don’t want you to overwork yourself, it’s been so long—“

“Steve.” Grace interjects, resting her free hand on his arm to grab his attention. “I’ll be fine, okay?” 

Steve doesn’t respond for a moment, lost in her eyes as they look at each other. Her eyes are pleading but inviting, she wants him to know that he’s safe with her. He wants to believe it—god, he wants to believe that everything will be alright. But it’s there in that elevator that he’s come full circle to realize that he’s not sure what he’d do if he lost her, he loves her too much already to lose her before he even has her. He can’t bare the thought of her not being there. 

“Yeah, okay. We’ll all be fine.” he says softly, never breaking eye contact as his heart aches for her. 

tags: @sourapplebaby @harringtown @nxncywheeler @charmed-asylum @heart-eye-harrington @daddystevee @a-magey @lemonypink @karasong​ @batbatsupermanme​ @used-avocado​ @igotmadskills​ @mikariell95​ @anerroroccurrrrred​ @blueberrylemontea-fanfic​ @ilovebucketbarnes​ @simplesammyx​ @willowrose99​ @charmedtenderness​

#fear of the (un)known #steve harrington #Steve harrington angst #Steve harrington fluff #Steve harrington x lab escapee #Steve harrington x lab escapee!oc #Steve harrington x oc #Steve harrington x original character #Steve harrington fanfic #Steve harrington fanfiction #stranger things x lab escapee!oc #stranger things x lab escapee #stranger things x oc #stranger things x original character #stranger things fluff #stranger things angst #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fanfiction

[oneweekoneband]

Scrambles

To me, at least, this is the big one. I originally listened to BTMI!’s discography in chronological order, but if I was trying to get someone into them right away, I would probably tell them to listen to Scrambles first. As a collection of great songs, as a coherent album, as a testament to what BTMI! could achieve, it’s my first pick by...well, not a long shot, considering I love a few of their other albums almost as much, but I will say that it always comes out on top in my rankings.

Of course, there’s a lot of personal bias here; Scrambles came to define my high school experience in part because of its regrettably-relatable lyrics that convey an all-consuming anxiety and frustration with the world around you. That might seem like a strange thing to experience nostalgia for, but for better or worse, that is exactly what it invokes for me.

It’s a cliché that high school is a stressful time – though I think people who say that tend to be thinking about the pressures of trying to “find yourself,” “fitting in,” gaining autonomy from parents, etc. I’m not saying that those things didn’t concern me, but for some reason my anxiety about the future was running something like a decade ahead of me. And so I found myself imagining a future in line with fears about what might happen if I followed Jeff down the path of “Stand There Until You’re Sober” – unable to move forward in life “’cause I can’t grow up.” The songs on Scrambles took this kind of stress one step further, and I found myself identifying with the chorus of the Springsteenian anti-anthem “Fresh Attitude, Young Body”: “If you don’t find a steady job now, / If you don’t find someone to love now, / Oh, you will die freezing cold and alone.”

Is that ridiculous, for a high school kid to be thinking that far ahead? I still don’t know. Capitalism puts an absurd amount of pressure on people to decide what they want to do with the rest of their lives from what feels like a young age, and I was facing a serious dilemma that a lot of musicians face: I wanted to try playing in a band for a living, but I also wanted to have some kind of stable future...and unfortunately, these two things rarely go hand-in-hand. So I worried a lot over whether I would be able to make the right choice for myself; would I move on with my life and get a job that I probably wouldn’t like, forever resenting the fact that I didn’t choose music? Or would I choose the music and watch my life fall apart because I wouldn’t be able to earn enough to gain any kind of independence, still living with my parents like the narrator of “25” (which is, by the way, one of BTMI!’s catchiest-ever songs) at 25 years old? Many of the songs on this album perfectly capture that tension, which I think extends beyond my own specific situation – anyone who’s felt the crushing pressure of a hegemonic system coming down around them, whispering threats of a future spent scrambling to catch up with their peers in their ears when they can’t sleep at night can probably relate to the lyrics of this side of Scrambles.

There’s the personal angle, but then there’s a social/political one (which wasn’t entirely without personal meaning to me – but I’ll get to that in time). “9/11 Fever” mocks the ultra-patriotism-turnted-opportunistic-exploitation that so many American engage in for the anniversary of the terrorist attack. And while that’s the most overtly political song on the album, plenty more go for the throat on issues in the politics of the punk scene. “Stuff That I Like” rides a killer riff as Jeff skewers the “fucking cocaine parties” that “fucking freak him out” (another gem later on: “I gotta take a piss in the cocaine room, / What is this? The line for lines? / It’s a long line for lines.”), as well as the “booming bass and the shitty DJs” of the clubs. The song ends with a condemnation of the limited possibilities of “going out” to “have fun”: “The gates rise up like / ‘What’s up? You’re in prison, confined by alcoholism / And lack of better decisions for having fun on the weekends.’” “Gang Of Four Meets The Stooges (But Boring)” attacks bands that purport to be on the “cutting edge” but have no respect for the other bands they share a bill with.

Best of all is “(Shut) Up The Punx!!!”, a mile-a-minute monologue from Jeff on the fucked up “holier-/hipper-than-thou” attitudes that make the punk scene look bad from the outside set to one of the band’s most frantic ska-punk freak-outs. The lyricism in this song is really on another level – take just the second line in: “When we all march to the beat of the same different drummer, / The steps start to come off like clockwork.” And for all this wordiness, Jeff somehow manages to make the phrasing fit rhythmically into the song, using the intensity of the music to emphasize key parts, eg. the swelling of horns leading into the descending breakdown that matches “I’d rather be vomiting and I despise vomiting and BLECH!” The chorus sums it up: “This non-conformity feels like conformity, / Why should anyone believe in our community? / This organization doesn’t feel like anarchy ‘cause / We’re suiting up to have the same identity.”

My love for this song is intimately connected with my feelings on the state of punk rock circa my time in high school (and the first couple years afterwards). Jeff mentions in the notes on Quote Unquote that this song is about “a very small portion” of the punk community that he’s met, and I believe him, but to this kid who spent his adolescence stuck in the Canadian capital Ottawa, an unsurprisingly hostile environment to the development of a healthy punk rock scene, it feels like this song was about every second band I’d heard of. The too-cool-to-care hipsterism of the early 2010s was in full swing at that point, and many kids I knew had fallen into that attitude. And the musical tastes and scenes followed suite. There was a bizarre amount of implicit pressure to identify a band with a specific sound or scene, adopt a particular fashion sense or way of performing that played to audience expectations within a certain genre. But in spite of all this, I felt like I couldn’t just sit and stay angry about it; the dismal state of affairs was also a cry for help, a call to action to change the way things were. That’s why I love the fact that “(Shut) Up The Punx!!!” is more than just a stream-of-thought criticism – the lyrics were inspiring to someone like me who felt disillusioned with the very scene they aspired to be a part of: “Smile big, hug bigger, talk big, act bigger, / Stop judging do something, shut the fuck up do something!”

There’s the personal anxiety angle, and there’s the sociopolitical angle, but some of the best songs on Scrambles just do a great job of capturing specific feelings. The lilting “Wednesday Night Drinkball” (which feels a bit like a sequel to “Stand There Until You’re Sober” both musically and lyrically) starts with a great example of this: “There’s nothing less fun than being exhausted / From hours of not doing a damn thing at all.” “Saddr, Weirdr” is a reflection on the loneliness of moving, which, while packed full of wacky percussive noises and bells, also contains a rather poignant observation that always gets me: “I just threw out another gift, / I know it had a bit of thought but / Mary we won’t talk soon, / I have no use for Crocs now, / And I have no use for gifts.”

“Sort Of Like Being Pumped” closes out the album by putting one of those feelings that can be hard to describe into words. On a quiet, muted guitar accompanied by a rather beautiful (if you can believe it) banjo riff that phases in and out of the mix, Jeff describes one particular moment at the end of a workday when he watched the sunset from the train home. In addition to the simple but important sentiment conveyed about appreciating brief moments of happiness, the song also once again demonstrates Jeff’s knack for the killer phrase, the one line you can repeat until exhaustion: accompanied first by Laura Stevenson’s harmonies, then exploding without warning into a blistering punk outro, we hear over and over again the chorus that stresses that one brilliant instant, a seemingly never-ending build-up to the climax as if Jeff is trying to drag it out as long as possible, maybe make it last forever: “When I saw / When I saw / When I saw / When I saw / When I saw / THE SUNSET!”

#Bomb The Music Industry! #BTMI! #Scrambles #Punk #Punk rock

[moody-bloosh]

Honestly??? Super pissed at cheating Bruno!! He has the AUDACITY to run around with other ladies and then feel sad when you leave him???? Reality check hun???? You should write a third part where the reader's moved on and possibly in a relationship with someone else and it's Bruno's turn to feel depressed 😡😡

Anonymous said: I would LOVE a finish to the cheating Bruno fic! Does she leave forever and find happiness?does he kidnap her?so many questions😭 or is this one where we have to decide? Love your stories keep up the good work

Anonymous said: can i request a continuation of cheating bruno?? 💖💖💖💖 i’m IN LOVE WITH IT. the angst is gourmet tier. full of angst on his end where as reader is getting back on her feet and dating other people and living her life while he suffers and cannot help keeping tabs on her. in this instance he deserves the suffering imo. (maybe even use the post break up prompt of “we keep showing up in the same places because we always had the same interests”)

[ chapter navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 ]  

Oh, cheating!Bruno, what a wild ride you were to write. I was really so so touched by all the response this fic has gotten ;;;; Thank you, thank you for giving it lots of love!!!

(alsO, if you guys have any other characters you wanna see for this kind of au, please ask away! it’s terrible but i just love the angst of it *cough, cough* Cheating!Risotto soon)

there’s nothing I can do for you (Bruno Buccellati)

There’s too much on your plate right now, literally. Yet again, you’d made too much food. You were too accustomed to sharing a meal with someone, someone who could no longer stand by your side, no. Someone who had chosen to leave your side. God… Your lips quiver as the beginning of tears begin to prick at the corner of your eyes.

Don’t cry. Don’t think about him.

No matter how tempting it is. He doesn’t… he doesn’t deserve any forgiveness.

But you do cry and you do think of him. You thought that putting your name down on those divorce papers would be the hardest part. But you found you were sorely mistaken. This crushing loneliness, this burning isolation, it was painful, so so painful. Your tears fall to the ground like blood dripping from an open wound. 

You cry yourself out for now.

So you can smile someday.

Your eyes are still tinted with the faintest of reds but you can’t delay it any longer. The food would get cold and that would be rude. You remember that you haven’t managed to properly introduce yourself to your neighbors. Which you supposed must be a blessing in disguise as you now had a way to dispose of the extra food. 

At least, at the very least, it wouldn’t go to waste.

So with that in mind, you stood in front of your neighbor’s door, a plate of food in your hands. You stood there for a few torturous seconds until your neighbor had opened the door.

There was a slightly surprised look on their face as they considered your presence standing in front of their doorstep.

“I’m sorry, I- I made too much,” you said. “And besides, I forgot to introduce myself, but I just moved in to the apartment beside you and I wanted to say hello…”

Your neighbor had considered you for a moment. Now at least, they had a face to match to the crying. The walls in your apartment complex were surprisingly thin, a fact that you were not aware of yet. They had an easy smile on their face as they gently took the plate of food in your hands.

“Thank you, but I think, food tastes better when you’re with someone. So let’s eat this together, alright?”

Ah, that kind smile, those gentle words. They were so, so familiar.

You couldn’t let yourself fall for that again. You… were so lonely. Maybe, maybe just a bit, just a little. It would be alright.

Right?

For a moment, you are filled with uncertainty. Such kindness was suspicious… such kindness was worrisome. But… you couldn’t let Bruno dominate your thoughts any longer. You couldn’t turn away kindness for fear of it hurting you the way he did. Bruno was Bruno. He did what he did and that was all in the past now. You couldn’t keep isolating yourself, you were different now. Reaching out to other people, making new bonds…

You were letting go of him.

So you have to let go of me too, Bruno.

Shamefully, keeping tabs on you, learning of your whereabouts, what you were doing now from second hand sources. Like a stubborn child chasing after fireflies, trying to keep them from escaping his grasp. So he too, could not bring himself to let go of you.

He doesn’t speak to his lovers anymore, when he’s with them, all he can think about is you. Your face, tearstained, refusing to look him in the eye. When he embraces them, he wonders if you’re embracing someone else too. When they call his name all he can hear is your voice, calling out for someone else, someone who was not him. The thoughts are unbearable, almost as much as the emptiness and the coldness of the home you once shared together.

When he lies in bed, alone. He wonders, had you felt like this too? No, he knows that you felt it. Perhaps, you’d felt even worse. How did you manage to endure for so long? How did you find it in yourself to look him in the eye and send him off with a kiss? How did you manage to stay despite it all?

Because you loved him desperately. So you stayed even when it hurt, so you stayed even when it felt like the height of idiocy, so you told him you loved him even when you knew it was futile, so you dealt with the heartache and the loneliness.

Because love makes fools of us all.

He shouldn’t have started anything with other people in the first place. He should have ended everything with his other lovers when you’d first confronted him. He should have taken that lifeline you tossed out to him over and over again. But he didn’t do any of that and so now here he was drowning under the waves of heartbreak. And you were no longer there to toss him lifelines. He was suffering now and it was all his fault

He took for granted the fact that you had loved him so much. Breaking your heart over and over again, your love for him was bound to dry up.

Today, he is desperate, even more so than usual.

The last photo he received of you, he had to make sure that it was taken recently. You actually looked… happier now. Happier than when you’d been together, happier than when he’d last seen you. Such a far cry from the tearful, broken person who’d begged him for a divorce the last time. No, you’d been happy together once.

How could you smile like that? The last time he’d seen you smile that brilliantly, the last time he’d seen you look that radiant, wasn’t it on your wedding day? No, there had to be times when you were happy with him. There had to be. And there were, you would tell him when you met at court, when you held him as he broke down in your arms and held you tightly as if that would keep you from leaving.

There really was a time, when you were happy together. Just that, given everything that had happened to the two of you now, it was easier to remember painful things. It was easier to remember cold sheets and tearful nights than it was to recall pleasant evenings, passionate evenings, and carefree, cheerful days.

His finger caresses the recent photograph of you. He imagines he is holding you again, he imagines that he hadn’t ruined everything yet. He imagines that he is the one standing beside you and holding your hand in the photo. He imagines that beautiful smile is directed at him.

You really were so exquisite, so lovely.

He realizes too late the consequences of his actions.

Some twisted part of him wants to delay the cracking and crumbling of your relationship, wants to keep you in the same place as him. But he understands now, he was the only one left. You had already moved on. You’d taken the first step when you’d left and decided you wanted nothing more to do with him.

And you were better off for it, he realizes.

He loves you. He loves you. 

He loves you so much it physically hurts. 

That was why…

The mail lands with a dull thump on your doorstep. At the very top were your divorce papers, finally signed and completed.

So I let go, let go, let go.

#play #side a #bruno buccellati x reader #bruno buccellati #cheating!bruno #vento aureo #golden wind

[bennybentacles]

Extra-Ordinary: My Life as Number Seven

00.07

00.07, my name is vanya hargreeves. ever since i was a child i am shun out of out family. my whole life all i can clearly remember was the never ending loneliness. since i was the odd one in our family, our father was specially harsh to me, as if it is my fault that i am not like my other siblings and i should be punished for it.

i had a very tough childhood. growing up in a place where everyone belittled me, my confidence never really developed. all my life everybody that i have ever known had cast me aside, left me alone to lose my mind in a big, old house with nobody but my thoughts for my company. i have spent hours upon hours as a child talking to my walls because the only alternative was talking to the air because nobody ever tried to even acknowledge my existence. my father even went as far as claiming that he only got six of the miracle babies, erasing me completely. nobody would've known i even existed if not for the sèance's slip up during one of their interview.

being a child surrounded by my siblings but never really included in anything made me feel awful all the time, even years after i have resigned myself to the fact. i grew uo watching from the sidelines as my siblings bonded over their experiences while i was left alone, not knowing where i would fit in. turns out i will never fit in, for i will become a random piece in our household, cast aside after our father deemed me useless for being ordinary.

when we got older my siblings rebelled against my father, but it seems like the boy was the only one who remember i exist. the boy was the only one who showed interest in my hobbies and my dreams, with him even defending me against our siblings and our father even though he knows he may end up getting punished for skipping trainings and lessons. i still cherish the moments where the boy forced my siblings to include me on our weekly sneaking out, with all of us far enough from the academy that even spaceboy relaxed and the kraken is comfortable enough to crack up jokes and the sèance could go on for hours without smoking blunt. i remember how my anxiety would uncoil once we are far enough that we couldn't see the academy, and those times i think on how messed up we must really be to feel relaxed so far away from our home in the middle of the night.

i started playing violin when i was six years old after i asked our father if i could have his vintage ornate violin and he told me to take it. i spent hours, days, weeks and months with our mother with her painstakingly teaching me how to play. our mother never got tired of teaching me how to properly play, even if there were days where i just cried from frustration and from the pain in my fingertips. i remember the early days where i just hacked through my violin the whole day that resulted in many complaints from my siblings about the awful sound coming from my bedroom.

i spent years perfecting my craft. because i had nothing else to do, i spent at least a decade playing violin everyday for at least eight hours each, just so i will forget how lonely i really am. my plan never really worked because whenever i play i am only reminded on how alone i truly am. i spent hours playing on our parlor, making haunting melodies while my siblings were out here fighting or training and i was never allowed to join. i spent my childhood poring over music sheets, memorizing pieces so that maybe one day my siblings would watch me play and i wont disappoint them. the boy was the only one who sat down to listen to me play

when the boy ran away, i was totally shut off from my siblings. since the boy was the only one who tried connecting to me and he went away, nobody bothered updating me for anything. the boy's absence may have created a rift through my siblings relationship and team work but for me, it completely tore me apart. the boy is the only reason why my siblings included me and with him gone, i was totally alone. i only saw my siblings whenever we crossed paths in hallways and even then they wont even acknowledge me most of the time, with them only glancing at me or if i am lucky enough a rare smile was thrown in my way. but thats the only thing i received from my siblings as no one talked to me unless they needed something from me. as much as i try to fool myself into thinking that the fact no one tried to even comfort me never really bothered me, i can't help but to feel really sad and hurt.

that continued on for years, just me and my mind withering away as time goes by. it all changed when the horror died. i remember the night before the horror got into his accident, he slept at the sèance's room at night resulting in me hearing how they talked about running away and never looking back, just the three of them, the kraken, the sèance and the horror. the planned on going away. they were supposed to leave a week after his death, they had it all laid out. i wish they succeeded, wish they left everybody, even me for that will mean that the horror would've still be alive and the sèance could've even gotten sober because he is far enough from the academy and the kraken could've started healing his traumas but fate was never on our side.

the next morning, the horror told me their plans and they even asked me to come with them if i want to. the horror said i don't have to stay with them if i don't want to and just to run away with them just to get as far away as we could and hide from our father. i said yes. then the mission alarm blared and i remember the rush as they got ready, and i remember thinking about the fact that i would finally be free from our father claws. i remember the horror asking for my help and i remember the horror's grin and the sèance's smirk and i remember how the kraken nodded in my direction and for the first time in a very long time i felt hope.

but all hope diminished away when just later that day the horror was rushed into our home, him in spaceboy's arms as the sèance made way. i knew that day that whatever may happen, i know we won't be getting out of that house with the horror. i knew at that moment that even if the horror survives we won't continue on with our plans. and i knew that if he died, everything will come crashing down, our fragile relationships will just break and turn into dust. and i was right because when the horror died the whole household broke. gone were the days where fights could've ended before it got messy, gone were the days where we didn't hear a single person blaming just about everybody for the horror's death.

the sèance stopped caring about anything but himself, even claiming to see the horror despite the fact that he is as high as a kite. the kraken started looking at me with loathing again and spaceboy and the rumour never really cared about me and they didn't start caring at all, in fact the both of them refused to even acknowledge me.

the horror's statue was the last straw for me because one day i just woke up with my brother forever immortalized in his young face. it made me think about the fact that i will never see the horror grow up, that no matter how hard i try to imagine, i wouldn't be able to picture how the horror would've look at his older years. that day the kraken cursed our father and the rumour used her powers just so he would let us leave our house.

i packed everything i owned that night, which is not much apparently, and i remember how i stood up on our dark hallway with one hand holding my bag containing everything i ever owned and my other hand clutching my violin. i remember how i walked out of our house, never intending to go back ever again. i remember stopping by our mother and saying my goodbye to her and how she told me to stay safe and i remember stopping by the boy's portrait and finally saying my farewell and apologizing because i won't go back at the academy anymore and i won't be able to make him sandwiches every night anymore and i won't be there to turn on his lights for him. i remember whispering me farewell for the horror, hoping that the air could carry out my message. and i remember how i stepped out of the academy and feeling the same feeling that i always felt whenever we snuck out. i felt free

i went far, even going out of state just so that i could distance myself as far as i could to the academy. i studied and i tried my best but the moment i graduated i went back to my hometown. i got in the orchestra and i teach kids how to play violin, just as how my mother taught me. i went as far as finding an apartment far enough that i wont see the academy when i looked at the window, a hard task considering on how obnoxiously huge the academy is. even if the place i live in is not the safest place on earth, i feel more safe in my home than i ever did at the academy

i grew up with my hopes crushed and not even allowed for it to bloom. i spent all my life being told in how ordinary i am, and now that i think about it maybe being ordinary isn't to bad after all because i grew up with six powerful children and they did nothing but to bring me down. maybe being me isn't so awful

#the umbrella academy #extra ordinary: my life as number seven #vanya hargreeves #tua vanya #this is long as hell #also im in pain when i wrote this so

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Friday Nights (1)

Full series: 2 3 4 5 6 (more coming soon), 

Word count: 1491     

Genre: Honestly idk, maybe a little angst but mostly fluff? 

Pairing: Jake x Amy (with platonic others in the squad)

Warnings: Minor swearing (let me know if I need to add more)

Summary: After Amy’s breakup with her boyfriend, Jake and Amy establish a weekly binge watching night and both avoid their feelings for each other.

A/N: So I had this posted on my wattpad account as well as some of the other chapters but I wanted to move it here as well because I’m more active here. I wrote this over six months ago now near the beginning of quarantine and although it doesn’t seem that long ago I feel like I’ve gotten better as a writer since then. Also I’m not done this series yet but because I already had this posted elsewhere I will have some other chapters up and will hopefully finish this series within a few weeks. If you like this and want to continue reading go to chapter two which is up and you can find the whole series on my masterlist.

**Please note that the warnings, pairing and genre are for the whole series so it varies chapter to chapter.

Amy POV

It's pathetic really. It's seven o'clock on a Friday night and I am alone in my apartment after being dumped again. I got the text this morning after I had just got to the precinct. Luckily nobody else was around because I got there really early (as usual), but I still had to go through the rest of the day pretending that nothing was wrong. It was such a jerk move for him to break up with me over text but then again I always knew he was a coward. That's why I don't understand why I am so upset about this because I never liked Daniel and actually was planning to break up with him. Him dumping me should feel like more of a relief. Maybe it's the principle of the matter and being dumped reminded me that I don't have anyone significant in my life. I just feel like I am getting older and all my friends and brothers seem to have someone in their lives but I am just always alone. I want someone who I can share everything with and who doesn't find me boring like all my exes seem to. Just because I like binders and time tables doesn't mean that I can't be exciting - I am a detective after all.

 Still having an exciting job doesn't equid being an exciting person that much is obvious. Besides I'm not even a cool detective like Rosa or Jake and I so often avoid outside of work gatherings that I am often uninvited or just forgotten. Like today. Honestly I think that not being invited to the celebration at Shaw's is bothering me just as much as my break up because it cements the fact that I am boring in other people's eyes. Right now the rest of the squad is sure to be there eating, drinking, talking and generally just having a good time as I sit on my couch alone with nothing to eat. The hunger makes me wish I had been invited to Shaw's because I am such a horrible cook that I have nothing in my fridge that is an actual meal, it's just a bunch of vegetables. Although I would be less hungry at Shaw's my loneliness would stay the same. Everyone else in the squad is so close to each other that it makes me feel left out even when I have known them for years. Every time that I try to do something to make me look cool in their eyes it back fires and I end up saying something dumb. We are friends but they definitely don't care about me as much as I care about them. They probably didn't even notice that they forgot to invite me again.

With that a tear slips down my face and my eyes water threatening to overflow. I take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself down. I hate crying so much because it makes me feel so weak. Growing up with seven brothers meant that if I cried they would tease me about it and say I was too sensitive. Even now with nobody here to see me cry I feel like I need to stay stronger and hold it in. With my breath returning to normal and my eyes no longer watering I reach up and wipe the single tear off of my cheek. Crying won't help me feel better, it will just make it worse. What I need to do is figure out a plan to distract myself and that starts with getting food. Just as I stand up from my couch to leave I hear a knock on the door.

Jake POV

The sound of music and conversation greets my ears as I step into the fairly crowded bar. It's still early (not even seven yet) but that doesn't matter because Shaw's is almost always lively from the moment it opens until it closes. That's part of the reason I like it so much. I head for the large table in the back that we always use if the whole squad is going to get together. Everyone is there but Amy when I arrive and the squad greets me with a range of hellos. Gina is here even if she technically isn't a part of the squad and from her behavior I can tell she is by far the drunkest. I slide into the seat right beside her partly because she is my oldest friend and partly because I want to ask her something. 

"Hey Ginaaaa" I sing song in greeting.

"Sup" she slurs back while downing another shot. I smile at her antics glancing over at Rosa who is rolling her eyes at me. 

Remembering why I started talking to her I ask, "Do you know what time Amy said she'd be here at?" Gina froze looking at me with wide eyes and an apologetic expression on her face. 

I sigh. "You forgot to ask her didn't you?" She nods and drowns another shot. This is bad. I know that I definitely was talking about tonight while Amy was in the room and I'm sure the others did too, assuming that she knew about it. Now she probably thought that she was purposefully uninvited or forgotten about. Now that I think about it she did seem a little bit strange all day like something was bothering her so this was probably it. It's just like Gina to completely forget about someone - for a secretary she is really bad at organization. Amy was the only person that I hadn't invited so when I had to leave to investigate a lead I told Gina to invite her assuming that it was an easy job. Apparently it was harder than I thought. It doesn't matter right now though so when she drunkenly tries to apologize I just brush it off. What I need to do right now is get to Amy's house to make sure she's not upset with the mix-up.I'm sure that she's fine but I also want to go just to see her because I have a little bit of a crush on her. I look to Rosa who seems to understand my train of thought. 

"Go. Don't worry about Gina, I'll get her home safe." She says. I just nod in response glad that I've told Rosa about my feelings towards Amy. Rosa is definitely the best friend to go to for advice I muse as I leave the bar, even though she does tease me she doesn't do it publicly and she always knows when I need support. Right now I've been going to her a lot because Amy is dating a guy named Daniel. Daniel is the reason I can't do anything about my feelings for Amy. I know that it would only mess with her thoughts if I told her I liked her and as much as I hate her and Daniel together I don't want to be the guy that ruins her relationship. Besides even if she wasn't dating him I wouldn't want to jeopardize our friendship or how well we work together so the safest thing is to just forget about my feelings.

Amy's house is pretty close to the precinct or Shaw's so by the time I'm done with my inner thoughts I am only a few short blocks away. As I am walking by I notice a Chinese restaurant that also does take-out and the combination of my hunger (I didn't eat at Shaw's as I had planned) and wanting to get Amy something makes me go in and pick up some food. After I come back out I hurry to Amy's not wanting the food to get cold. Only as I enter her apartment building do I realize that Amy is probably with her boyfriend because it is a Friday night after all. It doesn't matter though because if there is even the slightest chance that I could spend some time with Amy I'm taking it. Also if she's out I can just pretend I was never there and if she and Daniel are both there I can just pretend that I am dropping some stuff off to apologize and then leave.

Just after I finish crafting my plan the elevator doors ping open and I enter. There's already someone in there, a middle aged women with graying hair. Amy doesn't live too far up, she lives on the sixth floor, but elevators are slow and the awkward silence consumes me as I wait for the doors to open again. After what feels like hours the open with another ping and I make a quick exit before heading down the hallway towards Amy's door. When I reach it my hand hovers over the door, hesitating, as I consider just leaving but I eventually manage to give a few sharp raps before I back up a step and wait.

#brooklyn 99 #b99 #jake peralta #amy santiago #jake x amy #peraltiago

[advice-n-help-queen]

How to TRULY move on...

“This is a long post but I have to get it out because it’s been killing me.

Me and my ex had been close friends for almost 3 and a half years. We met our senior year and from that moment on I had a huge crush on him. It wasn’t until the summer before our sophomore year of college that I admitted I had feelings for him. To my surprise he felt the same way. He was bi but that didn’t bother me. We weren’t official till school started but I assumed we were exclusive because of how he felt about me. Two weeks before classes started he told me he had to admit something. While I was away house sitting he had a short fling with a girl from his work. He made out and sent nudes back and forth with her. I was devastated. During his fling he’d visited and acted like everything was ok. It took me till school started to even speak to him. I knew I should have ended things right there but I was a stupid 19 year old girl who finally had a guy who liked me. I told him as long as he cut all contact with the girl I’d forgive him. He said he did so I did. For the next months we were happy. I even told him I thought I was falling in love with him and he said he felt that way too. It wasn’t until November came that I felt the change. He became distant and would leave me on read. I chalked it up to midterm stress. After a week of barely talking or even seeing each other I confronted him. I told him I didn’t understand what was going. He told me it was nothing and led me to think I was over reacting. By Thanksgiving I’d had enough. When we were on the phone I told him I wanted the truth or I was breaking up with him. He again told me I was overreacting and nothing was going on, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be with someone who cared about me and didn’t gaslight me. I told him I was done and if he couldn’t be honest with me I couldn’t stay around. He didn’t try to stop me or even say anything. I hung up in tears and cried myself to sleep. A few days later he posted a very intimate photo with a male friend of his. My heart broke. The entire time we were in a relationship he was cheating on me with him. The fact that it was a guy didn’t bother me it was the cheating. I didn’t care what gender the other person was all I cared was that he cheated on me. Word spread fast through our friend group that he left me for a guy. They talked about how he only dated me because I wasn’t girly and I was basically a guy with boobs. I avoided all of them for the rest of the semester. I went to class and went home. My depression got worse and I thought very little of myself. Over break I took a lot of time to myself and worked on liking myself again. When school started again my ex wanted to talk. He said him and the guy broke up and he really wanted to be friends again. I told him I couldn’t, he broke my heart and destroyed my self esteem. But he didn’t understand. I walked away and haven’t spoken to him since.

People say I need to forgive and forget. But I can’t. I need advice on how to move on and pursue other relationships and not feel like with everyone it will end like this.”

I’ve been absolutely ITCHING to respond to this. I’m sorry in advance for how long this is going to be lol, but I have a LOT to say.

First, I’d like to say that I appreciate how difficult this has all been for you, especially considering how long he has been in your life. But the quicker the grieving process begins the better and easier it will be for you in the long run. You’re going to cause yourself more hurt by holding onto the past and the memories. He’s shown you who he really is and what he’s really like. Believe him. Don’t make excuses for him. The longer someone has been in our lives, the more inclined we feel to hold onto them and not let go. But as the saying goes, quantity does not always correlate with quality. Yes, he has been around for a long time, but in hindsight has be actually added anything positive to your life? Has he made you happy in all of that time? Has he considered your feelings, and has he ever been concerned about hurting you? NO. Are you better off without him? YES. Which is exactly why today is the day I help you officially be rid of this undeserving ****.

When you first got with him, you weren’t wrong to assume that he felt the same way about you. I mean he gave you the impression that you two were exclusive, right? He made you feel special, confessed his feelings. So, don’t feel regret or blame yourself. I myself have no clue why people are like this. Some people just love to play games, some people are just complete narcissists. They make us fall for them only to go back on their word and hurt us. And it sucks that we get tangled up with these types of people. And it sucks even more that it’s usually the pure-hearted, sincere people that end up in these helpless predicaments.

Just know that you did the right thing by leaving. A guy who genuinely likes you will never ever consider cheating and will never entertain other people, even if this does just include a “harmless flirtatious text”.  I don’t care what anyone says. That’s why I think no one should ever condone or make excuses for someone who cheated on them. And I know it’s easier said than done which is why people forgive and get back together with someone who cheated on them. And I know people have their reasons for doing this. But I believe cheating should signify a definitive end to a relationship. I believe that people who give second chances are doomed to a life of insecurity, regret and negative thoughts that will slowly eat them apart. A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all. I feel even more passionate about this having witnessed a genuine relationship, a relationship full of love, trust and understanding. Now don’t get me wrong, no relationship is perfect. But if your partner shows, not only through their words but their actions too, that they are completely devoted to you then this is more likely to be the person you spend the rest of your life with. 

When someone truly loves you they will  prioritise your well-being and happiness; make sacrifices for the good of the relationship; listen to you; acknowledge their mistakes (big or small) and commit themselves to making things right; make time for you; respect you, and will NEVER make you question their love for you. Also, you will not have to pretend or compromise your identity with this person, they will love you for you. Which sounds cringe I know, but it’s honestly the truth. If a person is not putting in the maximum amount of effort, then they are showing that they don’t care whether they lose you or not and thus are not deserving of you. A guy who likes you will never leave you on read, ignore you, become distant without an explanation. It shows they aren’t thinking about you, do not care about upsetting you and simply do not care. Do not settle for this type of treatment. Never settle for less than what you deserve or sell yourself short. There is someone out there who is desperate to give you what you deserve and treat you the way you should be treated.

You not ending things immediately, despite everything, does not make you stupid. Maybe a little naïve but then I guess I am guilty off the exact same thing. All the warning signs were there but I sub-consciously chose to ignore them. The feeling of being liked and worth someone’s time is so SO addictive. Especially when you’re not used to that type of attention and I guess when you’re a little insecure too (because that annoying, nosy insecurity bitch always likes to get involved).

It takes a really strong person to put an end to things and realise the toxicity of a relationship despite the temporary (fake?} comfort and happiness it provided for us. So guess what? That makes you an extremely strong person even if right now you’re feeling weak and defeated. And that is a key step to moving on. Do not victimise yourself but instead view yourself as a strong individual. After leaving a toxic relationship it is normal for us to blame ourselves. Our instincts are to remember the good times but forget the manipulation, the control and the isolation. Our minds rush to remember the kind words, romantic gestures and the undeniable chemistry you and your partner shared. But this is the same person who left you broken and emotionally traumatised. This is the person who made you feel so much self-doubt, insecurity and loneliness. So I am going to help rewire your brain and help get it back in check. I am going to remind you that you left him for a reason - a reason that is COMPLETELY and UNDENIABLY valid. Never try to compromise your decision or give it a second thought. He treated you like shit. You are a queen yet he treated you like a peasant.

Please please PLEASE get mad with me. Does this not make you mad?! I am mad for you. I am mad for all the people out there who have been mistreated and unjustly disrespected. I am mad at all the people out there who think it’s okay to play mind games and toy with people’s emotions as if they are not human beings. I am just straight up MAD. Please don’t allow yourself to get sad anymore, I’m sure you’ve had your days where you’ve cried and helplessly broken down. And you are completely entitled to these days, we need to get it all out of our system to truly allow the moving on process to begin. But now I just want you to think of him for what he is. A dishonest, manipulative, insensitive piece of ****. This is the motivation you need to allow yourself to move on. You need to reprogram your brain. You are a boss ass bitch. You need to channel that. Rather than spending your time thinking about him, spend that time on yourself. You deserve your time more than anyone else. This is a step that really helped me move on. And I’m still in the process of moving on, so trust me, I’m not going to preach to you like it’s easy, but a start is better than nothing. We can do this together. We’re strangers but gurl I feel so connected to you right now.

You know what you should do? Go to the gym. Work on bettering yourself and making yourself feel good for YOU, not for anyone else. You think someone liking you is an addictive feeling but that has NOTHING on the feeling of self-love and self-appreciation. Nothing is more empowering than that. We don’t need any man to make us feel happy and good about ourselves. Sure it can help add to it. But that’s all it should be. An accesory, not the complete outfit. (Did that make sense? in my head it sounded like poetry but writing it.. i’m not so sure anymore lol). You don’t even have to go to the gym - it’s all about doing things that you genunely want to do and want to dedicate time to. Whether that be yoga, reading a book, going out with friends…

Oh and that’s another thing. That “friend group” of yours is no friend group. You should be around people who uplift you and bring nothing but positivtiy and good vibes. After my break-up I spent the weekend with my best friend, eating an abundance of food that was bad for us and screaming the lyrics to enpowering songs. These are the type of people you need to surround yourself with. Not people who bully you and make you feel bad about yourself after a traumatic experience. Hell, I’m more of a friend to you than them and we don’t even know each other. Girl, talk to me. You don’t need them.

I’m so proud of you for walking away. I tried being “friends” which someone who broke me but it was just impossible. I don’t know how people do it, but it’s just not possible for me. Why burden yourself with the constant reminder of the pain someone caused you with no remorse? The worst thing is, as you said, they just don’t understand. They will accuse you of “over-reacting”, making you feel stupid for feeling the way you feel. I tried talking to my ex just to try and understand why he did what he did, to get some “closure”. But it just ended up doing more harm than good. People claim we need closure in order to move on but I don’t think this is always the case. Sometimes we just have to accept that some people are shit and that they do shit things. It’s not on us, it’s all on them. Why they are so shit is something they have to figure out, not us. You need to rid yourself of him. Delete his number, block him if you have to. Don’t message him. Don’t have any association with him. He’s not worth your time or space. Also posting sexy ass pictures now and then doesn’t hurt either. Show him what he’s missing. Because he really IS missing out.

And I know you fear getting into another relationship because you are worried it’s fated to have the same outcome. But trust me, when you spend time prioritising yourself and when you eventually grow to fully love and appreciate yourself, you’ll attract people who are good for you. You’ll learn to set boundaries and know your worth and NOT tolerate any bullshit. You’ll keep your standards high and will be able to detect the lying, conniving assholes from a mile away. You got this. The same thing won’t happen again because you won’t allow it to happen again. You hear me?

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You asked for advise on how to move on and I’m sorry the answer hasn’t been so straightforward. I think the important thing is that you constantly remind yourself of how amazing you are and how wrong he was for treating you the way he did. Yes I don’t know you, but what I can tell immediately is that you’re a compassionate, loving and genuine person – someone who a guy will be extremely lucky to have some day.  Also, another important factor is time. You need to give yourself time. Everyone says this but it’s true. Don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally relapse and find yourself broken again, it’s all a part of the process. But just know you WILL get through it. And remember, if you ever need someone to talk to, I can assure you that I am here. <3

I’m also going to make a mini playlist of songs that helped me feel empowered. Something as small as the music you listen to can also play a big part in changing your mood and aiding the moving-on process. BUH-BYE to songs that make us feel sad and nostalgic.

Playlist

·       Lil Boi (Big Talk) [Ayanis ft. Queen Naija]

·       Unlove You [Ann Marie]

·       Heard It All Before [Toni Romiti]

·       B.I.T.C.H [Megan Thee Stallion]

·       Switch Up (Part 2) [Toni Romiti]

·      Who Dis  [Toni Romiti ft. Russ]

·      I Know [Toni Romiti]

·      Need Me [Toni Romiti]

·      Unimpressed [Toni Romiti]

·      Time To Leave [Toni Romiti]

·      Options [Toni Romiti]

·      None Of Your Concern [Jhene Aiko ft. Big Sean]

·      Rebound [Savannah Cristina]

·      Self Care [Savannah Cristina]

·      Self Love [Dreameville, Ari Lennox & Bas ft. Baby Rose)

·      So What [Amaal]

·      Later [Amaal]

·      Just Might [Summer Walker ft. PARTYNEXTDOOR]

·      Not The Same [Sybyr ft. Landfill]

·      Unleash me [Sybyr]

·      I Don’t Like You [Sybyr]

·      No Scrubs [TLC]

·      See Me [Melii]

·      Best Thing I Never Had [Beyonce]

·      Why Don’t You Love me? [Beyonce]

·      Freakum Dress [Beyonce]

·      Irreplaceable [Beyonce]

·      6 Inch [Beyonce ft. The Weeknd]

·      Freedom [Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar]

·      Sorry (Original Demo) [Beyonce]

·      I Don’t Fuck With You [Big Sean]

·      Be Careful [Cardi B]

·      Bodak Yellow [Cardi B]

·      I’m Every Woman [Chaka Khan]

·      Deuces [Chris Drown]

·      Handle It [Chris Brown (ft. DeJ Loaf & Lil Yachty]

·      Grass Ain’t Greener [Chris Brown]

·      Cheetah [Chris Brown]

·      Zero [Chris Brown]

·      Level Up [Ciara]

·      Needed me [Rihanna]

·      Wild Thoughts [DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna]

·      Bitch Better Have My Money [Rihanna]

·      Sorry Not Sorry [Demi Lovato]

·      Games [Demi Lovato]

·      Say My Name [Destiny’s Child]

·      Survuvor [Destiny’s Child]

·      Nice For What [Drake]

·      7 rings [Ariana Grande]

·      breathin [Ariana Grande]

·      in my head [Ariana Grande]

·      thank u, next [Ariana Grande]

·      Broke Up With You [Toni Romiti]

·      A Woman’s Worth [Alicia Keys]

·      Right Back [Ar'mon and Trey]

·      2 [H.E.R]

·      U [H.E.R]

·      I Won’t [H.E.R]

·      I Will Survive [Gloria Gaynor]

·      Crooked Smile [J. Cole]

·      Love Yourz [J. Cole]

·      Ain’t Your Mama [Jennifer Lopez]

·      Love Don’t Cose A Thing [Jennifer Lopez]

·      Stronger [Kanye West]

·      I Hate You So Much Right Now [Kelis]

·      Poetic Justice [Kendrick Lamar ft. Drake]

·      Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe [Kendrick Lamar ft. Emeli Sande]

·      Alright [Kendrick Lamar]

·      Leave Me Alone [Michael Jackson]

·      Love Me Right [Moxie Knox]

·      Feeling Myself [Nicki Minaj]

·      Don’t Cha [Nicole Scherzinger]

·      Medicine [Queen Naija]

·      Karma [Queen Naija]

(I know I said a MINI playlist but I couldn’t help myself…)

Also, I’m going to add some youtube videos that helped me a lot. They’ll help remind you that you are, and always will be, a boss ass bitch.

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Jo1rSII6vU

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTFp8cuBVLk

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1SLA7cmeHo

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I64AVJKsaWc

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dh1W-1Ulgo

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjwVVxW0Mc

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMOPCvTM0o8

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hcJ9vxn2yY

·      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-NqX-g99jA

@wonderland-delusions

#help #advice #relationship problems #relationship advice #breakup #hurt #boss ass bitch #bad ass bitch #moving on #enpowerment #narcissists #toxic relationships #boy bye #submission

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime - Chapter Six

Since it’s Fan Fic Writer’s Appreciation Day I am going to give some love to my readers. So here we go - Chapter Six of Adventure of a Lifetime! You can find the rest of this story HERE. I hope you enjoy it!

**********

We spent a few more hours in the pool, eventually waking Axel up from his nap and bringing the little guy in the water with us. It was a truly awesome way to kick off summer. I loved getting to see the kids laugh and smile. It also felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my chest that I had someone here to talk to about the fucked up year I’ve experienced. Sure, I could call home and talk to Alex or Frankie. I could only sort of talk to Savy and with Tony moving out here I’d maybe have someone to lean on when things got hard for me. But having someone who even had a slight understanding of what I might be going through as a single parent was a relief.

“We are going to get cleaned up and then we’ll be over at your place in an hour,” Jeremy said as he was helping me get the kids buckled into their seats. “Do you need me to bring anything over?”

“No, your help is seriously more than enough. We will see you in a little bit.” I hopped into the car and started to drive down the drive towards the gate. “Did you have fun today Elle?”

“I did. I had a lot of fun! Jeremy is really nice and I’m glad Papa FaceTimed us too. I miss Papa.”

“I miss Papa too, babe.” My phone started to ring through the car. It seemed like nearly every time I had the kids in the car, just as Axel was about to fall asleep the phone would ring. I saw that it was my brother on the screen in the dashboard.

“Hello,” I answered. “Charlie’s Carpool Service.”

“Hey sis,” Tony said.

“Uncle Tony!” Ellie yelled from the backseat.

“Ellery Marie, how is the first day of summer?”

“Awesome. I went swimming with Ava and her Dad Jeremy and Mom and Axel. Mom says you’re on your way to see me,” Ellie yelled from the backseat.

“I am E-Money. I am getting closer. Sis, you were so right. This is a beautiful drive. The mountains are gorgeous. If I wasn’t in a hurry to get to your place I’d totally stop.”

“Right? I keep telling myself that someday I’m going to drive through and actually stop and enjoy it. But I don’t. I should though. I think once the kids are older it will be easier.”

“I am so anxious to get there. I’m driving faster than I should but you know how well I sit still,” Tony said causing me to laugh.

“You don’t. Road trips with you when you were younger were a nightmare.”

“It’s not much easier now. Especially considering I’ve had 3 Red Bulls already.” I groaned.

“Anth, I have to be able to sleep tonight. I can’t stay up all night with you. I do have two kids to take care of. So you and your over-caffeinated self are on your own for an all-nighter.”

“I won’t make you pull an all-nighter tonight. But I am going to need some help getting stuff unpacked and moved around.”

“I know. We will have help too. Ava and her Dad are going to be there for dinner tonight and Jeremy offered to help us get everything moved around for you. You might want to take stuff from some of the other rooms in the house to make your room feel right.”

“True. So who is Jeremy? Someone I need to know about?”

“He’s Ava’s Dad. Ava is Ellie’s best friend from school. He’s a really nice guy.”

“Like are you dating him?” Tony asked.

“That’s the best joke I’ve ever heard. I don’t have time to date. Also, I just met him yesterday. Like I used to have decent luck with guys but not good enough luck that I could get a guy at school pick-up. He heard me on the phone with you and Dad today. He offered to help since I’m going to need to do some cleaning in the apartment. I don’t think it’s been used for a while.”

“As a single man, all I have to say is if I were to offer my assistance in cleaning an apartment and moving a woman’s brother into it I would only do it if I were interested in her. Well, or if she was super hot and I thought I might get laid. Speaking as your brother you’re super cool and from what I’ve heard from my friends my entire life, I have hot sisters. I personally find that absolutely disgusting to hear but it’s been said to me so I will repeat it to you to provide an ego boost before I arrive and take over a portion of your house.”

“It’s nothing. The babies are the priority. My non-existent love life is not. I’m home now. I need to get both of the kids rinsed off because we were in chlorine all day. Admittedly, I am so lucky that these kids aren’t biologically mine or I’d have two kids with green hair like Frankie and I had growing up.” We both had bright blonde hair as kids and spent enough time in the pool that by mid-summer we both had a greenish tint to our hair. It drove our mother crazy. She tried everything she could to get the tint out short of having her small children’s hair bleached before we went back to school.

“I’ll be there in a few more hours. I can’t wait to see you, Sis.”

“I can’t wait to see you either, Anth.”

“Bye Nugget,” he called to his niece who I caught smile through the rearview mirror in the backseat.

“Bye Meatball,” she replied before I heard him laugh and the call disconnected. I did my best to get both kids out and everything into the house in one trip. I found Savannah laying on the couch.

“Hey Sav. Did you have a good night off? Well, I guess night and half-day?” I asked.

“I did. Theo took me to dinner last night, we met up with some friends, and then went back to his place. He had to work at noon so I must’ve just missed you guys as you left.”

“Probably. How are things with Theo?” I asked.

“Okay,” she mumbled. “Last night was weird. Normally when I stay over he is happy about it, last night he just sort of acted annoyed by it. I need to go hose these two kids down since they spent the entire day in chlorine.”

“I’ll come help. You can fill me in on the playdate with Ava’s hot, single, superhero Dad.”

“I mean Hawkeye is a superhero but he has no superpowers, just an insane skillset.”

“God you are such a nerd,” she said through laughter. It was the same laugh her mother had and often used when I did something ridiculous.”

“It’s true though. But the day was nice. He’s an incredible guy, great dad, and obviously super fucking hot.” I whispered the last part hoping that Ellery didn’t hear it because lately, she’d been a parrot to everything I said. “I haven’t said anything to your mother about who he is. You know how she is. She’d immediately assume that because he’s an actor…”

“He’s an ass, I know. I didn’t tell her after Ava’s birthday party.” Savannah’s Dad was an aspiring actor when he met Alex and had managed to have a pretty steady career over the last two decades. Despite having always been a decent Dad there was a huge part of Alex that would never get over parts of who he was so every actor to her was an asshole.

“You didn’t even tell me, which is baffling. You live in my home and somehow forgot to tell me that my kid’s best friend’s Dad is Jeremy fucking Renner. I should fire you and kick you out.”

“First of all, this is way more entertaining. Second, you would be screwed without me.”

“Don’t be so sure. Tony is on his way here right now. So I need to go clean these monsters up quickly so I can go get the apartment ready so that my baby brother can move in.”

“Tony is moving in with us?! You forgot to mention that to me.”

“This is way more entertaining.” She flipped me off. Alex’s warning earlier wasn’t unwarranted. Savannah had an obvious crush on my little brother. She’d traveled with me to his graduation. I watched how she acted around him. The same way she had since she was about 12 and realized that he was cute. She’s also not good at hiding anything from me.

“I hate you but I’ll help you clean the kids up so that you can also shower.”

“You are forgiven.” Savannah took Ellie’s hand in hers and I followed them upstairs as I carried Axel. I could tell that he was tired from the pool today, despite his nap. We got both of the kids in the bathtub and cleaned up. I got Axel cleaned up and put into some clothes so he could take a short nap while I showered. Once he was in his crib I snuck into my bedroom to shower. I put on music that I could listen to in an attempt to calm down from the emotions of today and prepare myself for tonight.

I stood beneath the water as it cascaded over me and took a deep breath before the deep sigh came out, followed rapidly by the tears. They came faster accompanied by the sound of me struggling to breathe. I leaned back against the cold tile wall as the water mixed with my tears. I was hoping I’d left the music up loud enough that if anyone walked into my bedroom that they would only hear the music and not my sobbing. It wasn’t the normal crying I experienced. The crying from loneliness at night because I’d gone from sharing my bed with a man I loved to him walking away because he couldn’t handle the new life I’d been given. The crying that came when I sat at a piano trying to write the score to a scene, missing the suggestions and smart-assed remarks that came from my partner as I worked through a difficult part. The crying that came when I had a great day that I wanted to celebrate and knew the only way I could do it was via FaceTime or a phone call with my sister or my best friend. The crying because I missed another family dinner or my nieces’ dance recital, or another baseball game for my nephew. This crying was different. It was almost as if the tears were a sense of relief because I’d finally had the chance to grieve aloud with someone.

I hadn’t opened up about Sam and Michael to anyone new, until today. I’ve lived here for nearly 11 months and had been unable to make any friends because I couldn’t be open with them. I struggled in every single setting I’d found. I couldn’t relate to the stories of pregnancy and childbirth. The few people I’d met without kids I couldn’t relate to because I did have to go home to take care of the two I was raising. Jeremy was the first person in my new life that I’d been able to open up to. We’d only met yesterday but he was willing to listen and show that he cared. I wasn’t sure how I’d gotten lucky enough to finally meet someone who attempted to understand what happened. Someone who actually asked about their Dad. I’d always felt the judgment from the Mommy Groups. I had no wedding ring on my hand. There was never a mention of a father. I saw the way they looked at me, like the irresponsible person who got pregnant without a plan or a partner. At first, I was sad. Then I got angry. I felt they didn’t deserve the actual story of those two incredible babies I was given. They didn’t deserve to learn the tragedy we’d experienced and that I didn’t want to see the looks change from judgment to pity.

I finally stopped the crying enough to finish my shower. There was no point in trying to make my hair look great, it would inevitably end up in a messy bun while I helped Tony unpack. I did put on a little bit of makeup. The lack of sleep I’d been getting this week and the crying in the shower had my under-eyes dark and puffy. I took a deep breath as I looked in the mirror. I needed to get myself out of this funk and get ready. It wouldn’t be long before the house would be buzzing with energy and people. I needed to be prepared to have all of this enter my space.

I went into the closet and quickly threw on some clothes. I found a pair of cut-off denim shorts that were far too short but I didn’t care. I looked in the mirror after throwing on a bra and t-shirt. The clothes fit me differently than they had a year ago. As much as I’d believed that eating like a child for a year had changed my body, that hadn’t been it. It was grief and depression. It was the occasional drink I had at night to help me wind down and eventually find a few hours of sleep. It was the lack of sleep I’d had for the last year. My life had changed, it was the only reasonable excuse for my body to have changed. The shorts hung on me differently than they had last year. They were tighter in some places, looser in others. The t-shirt hung past my shorts so I tied a small knot in it, I didn’t want to look like I was running around the house without pants on. I heard my text alert go off on my phone from the bathroom.

We are on the way. Do you need us to pick anything up?

We are okay. We will just order pizza when it gets closer to dinner.   The gate code is 5309#.

Why leave off the 867?

The fact that you guessed where that came from cracks me up. It’s 100% Michael’s doing. Okay, I may have been an accomplice on it. Sam was so pissed at us.

We will see you in a little bit then.

I walked across the hall to get Axel out of his crib. He didn’t look like he’d actually taken a nap but hopefully, the time he spent in his crib made him a little bit rested. He was usually a pain to deal with if we did a lot during the day and he didn’t get enough of a nap. He was hitting growing spurts, he was experiencing a lot of firsts, and that took a lot more energy than before had. I bounced him on my hip to hear him giggle as we headed down to the living room.

“Jeremy and Ava are on their way. We are gonna do some work in the apartment so it’s ready for Tony when he gets here. Do you want me to take Axel with us? I can take a pack and play out there so he can hang with us.”

“Whatever you want to do,” Savannah replied. “I’m fine watching all three of them. But if you want him with you out there that’s fine too.”

“I think I’ll take him out there.” I handed Axel to Savannah before I went downstairs to my studio, grabbed the pack and play I kept in there and took it, along with some cleaning supplies, out to the apartment and set it back up. I opened up some of the windows in the apartment to air it out. It had been closed up for months.

I loved the apartment. It was so bright. There were so many windows that the natural light at times was almost blinding. The ceilings were made of beautiful wood beams. The living room had a great fireplace. It had a fantastic kitchen. There was a clawfoot bathtub that I’d taken more than one bath in over the years. The view out the bedroom was into the forest our compound was essentially plopped into. There was a little basketball court beside it, which my brother would love. It was nicer than the apartments any of my friends had lived in at Tony’s age. The furniture in here was perfect and picked to my style which was all Sam’s doing. They had really decorated this to be my Peter Pan house in the trees and here I was handing it over to my baby brother so he could spend some more time being one of the lost boys. I saw Jeremy’s truck pull up the driveway so I headed out of the apartment.

“Your land is gorgeous,” he said as he climbed down out of his truck. He opened the back door and Ava jumped out.

“Thanks,” I replied.

“How much do you have?”

“I think just shy of 8 acres, like 7.75. Michael wanted all of the land, Sam wanted close to the water. He won because she fell in love with this place.” Ava was walking ahead of us up the stairs towards the front door. I leaned over her to open the door and let them in. Ava hurried over to where Savannah, Ellery, and Axel were playing on the floor. “Want a tour?”

“Sure.” I took him through the first floor which was all living space before we headed upstairs. It was all bedrooms and bathrooms. It wasn’t perfect or clean, it was lived in. It was the home of a single parent, her two kids under 5 and their nanny. “The view from up here is gorgeous,” he said as he leaned down on the railing that ran along the deck that was on the upper level of the house.

“It is. The view and the house was what got Sam to agree to not be by the water. She walked out to exactly where you are standing and turned to look at me, because of course she’d drug me to house shop with them, and she said ‘how the fuck do I agree on this house instead of the water without letting him win?’ I died laughing. She didn’t like losing to Michael and she’d lost on the house in LA and the house here because Michael knew her better than she did.”

“That’s funny. They sound like great people.”

“The fucking best.”

“The only room in the house that looks like it’s been even remotely remodeled is yours. It’s the only one that doesn’t fit the style of the rest of the place.”

“The basement has had some major changes. But yes, of the bedrooms only mine. The first month we lived here I couldn’t sleep in here. I was sleeping on a couch or on the floor in Axel’s room. It was their bedroom it was too much for me to handle. So finally on her second visit, my sister drug me out shopping. New everything so that it was my bedroom, not theirs. The first night I slept in there was the first night I’d slept in almost two months. My sister stole the baby monitor that was in my room and she handled the kids. I slept for 16 straight hours.”

“You were physically and emotionally exhausted. You are definitely lucky to have your sister, though she seems like she’s a force to be reckoned with.”

“Oh, she definitely is.” I took him back through the house and to the basement. There was a pool table, bar, wine cellar, theater room, and my sanctuary. “This is my studio. My happy place.”

“It’s fucking amazing. You put a lot of work into this.”

“I did. I moved the stuff we had in LA out here. I had some renovations done to make more space in here. I made it the most perfect space to work.”

“You have three pianos in this house, two of which are baby grand. That’s just crazy.”

“I know. I feel spoiled because of it. This is the baby grand from our studio in LA. The goal when I redid this place was that it would fit. Every song we wrote together we essentially wrote on that piano. The piano upstairs is the one from their house in Los Angeles.”

“And that one?” he asked gesturing to the wooden upright that sat just outside of the studio in the bar area of the basement. It was beautiful but had clearly seen better days.

“That is the piano I grew up playing. It was in my Dad’s house when he grew up so my grandparents had it moved to our house when I was three because I loved playing with it at their house and neither of them played anymore. My Dad still remembered bits and pieces from when he was a kid. So he’d teach me what he could remember. At four I started trying to take lessons by six the lessons were twice a week that my piano teacher came to my house.”

“So that’s the family piano. I love that you moved it out here.”

“I couldn’t leave it in LA. It holds so much history. My grandpa bought it for my grandma as a wedding gift. By the time I was born she’d developed arthritis and couldn’t play anymore. My Dad still has a baby grand at his house because it fit the style of the house much better. That one lived in the basement bar room so it is pretty happy living here now. It always got played during parties at my Dad’s and hopefully, someday that happens here too.”

“That’s some awesome family tradition.”

“I like to think so.” I watched as he sat down at the baby grand in my studio and started to play. It was rare that people who sat down at one of my pianos actually knew how to play. Growing up it was friends thinking playing chopsticks was funny every time they were at my house. In my condo it was usually drunk people thinking they were writing a song. But here was one of the rare occasions where someone sat down and their fingers easily moved across the keys and beautiful music appeared. I sat down beside him on the bench and started to play with him. Adding higher notes to what he was playing that somehow mixed into his song beautifully. I looked over at him as he smiled and nudged me with his shoulder. Having musical chemistry with someone was a rare thing to find. The ability to just sit and make music together without any preconceived plans or music. In my lifetime I’d only ever found it with my brother and Sam, until this moment. “You are pretty damn talented, Jeremy.”

“You’re not too bad yourself. Okay, while I’d love to get lost in all of the instruments in here and play for hours we have to get an apartment ready for your brother,” Jeremy said as the sound of the music stopped.

“We do. He’s really good at ruining all of the fun.” We both stood up and headed upstairs to grab Axel and head out to the apartment. I had Axel expertly balanced on my hip as I opened the door and headed up to where my brother would be living. “Are you excited to get it ready for Uncle Ant to live out here, Axe-man?” He giggled a response at me.

“Do the kids like your brother?” Jeremy asked.

“They love him,” I replied. “He and Ellery have been close her whole life. If he was home for long he’d end up at the studio a lot with Sam and I. He is going to make a great Dad someday because he did everything he could to help us. He fed her, changed diapers, everything. And since I’ve had this little guy since he was three weeks old Axel won’t know life without Tony being Uncle Ant.” Axel started to squirm in my arms so I put him down in the pack and play.

“Your brother is super lucky.”

“Why is that?”

“This apartment is gorgeous. The view from here is almost as good as it is in the master. There’s so much natural light. It’s just absolutely beautiful.”

“That it is. I do love it out here.”

“I can see why,” he said as he walked over to one of the floor-to-ceiling windows to look outside. “If someone had given me this place at 22 for free I’d have thought I was the luckiest guy alive.”

“If I’d been given it at 22 for free I would’ve felt that way too.”

“Even the furniture out here is amazing. You are right, it’s a much different style than the main house but is almost identical to the master. They clearly decorated it for you.”

“That they did,” I replied. “Eventually I’ll try to make the whole house more my style but for now it’s not worth the money to completely re-furnish the house. I spent the money on my spaces. Anything for the kids I’ve left the same. I did allow Savy to make whatever changes she wanted to her space too. It’s just super fucking tough to not know what is going to cause some major upheaval with the kids or anyone else.”

“It is a tough thing to navigate but you appear to be doing a great job. I tried not to change too much right away on Ava. I didn’t want the house to suddenly feel different beyond her Mom not being there. Over time she’s adjusted as well as can be expected. It’s tough to go back and forth between parents and cities.”

“Do you and your ex get along? I mean you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

“I feel like since you divulged the dead best friends’ kids info that I can share too. We don’t, not in the least bit. She’s been difficult to deal with and that’s putting it nicely. It gets easier the more removed we are from our divorce that we are. I hope that continues to be true because I feel like the older Ava gets the harder it’s going to be. Divorce is easy on no one.”

“I can confirm that. My parents’ divorce was a nightmare. Ava is maybe lucky that she was young enough that she won’t remember it. I remember my parents dealing with theirs. The arguing. The lawyers. The custody agreements. The uncomfortable kid swaps. And then out of nowhere my Mom got a new job and moved to a new country leaving us with my Dad permanently. Which seems super tragic because it’s these two teen girls growing up without their mother, but it was the best thing that could’ve happened to us.”

“It’s great that you feel that way now. Does your sister?”

“100%. One of the many reasons she was upset that I didn’t opt to buy the house down the canal from her was because it meant there was one more person to occupy our mother on her occasional trips back to California. I am usually very ‘go with the flow’ so I can handle her pretty easily. I mean she gives me more anxiety than just about anything outside of motherhood, but I’ve always been the one more capable of dealing with her. My sister gets so stressed out that she breaks out into hives. We both have some pretty serious anxiety issues and my Mom is a giant trigger to both of us. She is hard to describe.” I laughed a little because honestly, I wasn’t even sure where to start when it came to explaining my Mom. “She doesn’t understand boundaries, she is flighty, and just does whatever feels great to her. She’s never been able to put what someone else might need in front of what she wants. I almost envy that drive and ambition. There is literally nothing that will hold her back from doing what she wants. There was one night sitting that it was just Mom, Frankie and I sitting and talking, perhaps drinking too much wine, that my Mom admitted that she never wanted kids.”

“That had to be hard to hear.”

“Honestly, it was a relief. It wasn’t that Frankie and I sucked, she loved us and said she didn’t regret having kids but that she never really wanted them. My Dad did and she fell for him. She thought that if she was supposed to have kids it would happen and it happened…quickly. And then she thought what would it hurt to have a second because at least we could entertain each other. It did not turn out at all how she’d imagined and so she had two girls who were happy to move in full-time with their Dad when a new job came calling.”

“Parents can be interesting. It’s also crazy the way everything you thought as a kid flips as soon as you have kids. Like I could never understand why my parents wouldn’t let me do certain things as a kid and now the idea of Ava doing some of them is just flat out fucking terrifying.”

“Just wait. Those girls are cute now, they will grow to be teenagers before we know it. I’m terrified of raising teenagers. Teenage girls come with hormones, hatred for their mothers and teenage boys. Teenage boys will be the death of me.”

“I’ve had some tactical weapon training in my life. I’ll make sure we get some for you before the girls get that old and we can tag-team them.” I started to laugh probably too hard at that.

“I was a teenage girl once. I mean by the time they are teenagers they will have way more technology than I ever had but I will be able to figure out when they are lying to us. I mean I may have been a music nerd but that meant I hung out with musicians. There is nothing worse than a teenage boy in a band.”

“Hey! I was once a teenage boy in a band.”

“And I bet all of the girls loved you and that you broke all of their hearts.”

“Possibly.”

“Possibly my ass. I can see it in your eyes. You have the kind of eyes that can easily make a woman turn into mush and do whatever you ask them to.”

“Oh, I do?”

“Yes, you do,” I said firmly. He did. I was fairly certain that if he asked me to do anything at this moment I’d do it. With the only possible exception being abandoning my children. “I know eyes like that. They talked me into a lot of stupid shit in high school and even worse shit in college.” Jeremy started to laugh really loudly.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I looked over at him. I could sense already that he was mischievous, had a great sense of humor, he was obviously insanely handsome and was going to cause a shift in my life.

“Ugh, you’re gonna be the death of me. I can feel it already.” His laughter grew louder before I threw a dust rag at him. “Get to work, Renner.”

**********

First of all, THANK YOU for reading this or anything else I’ve ever written. I appreciate it and the feedback I get. I love writing. In fact, today in therapy my therapist asked me if there were no limits to what I could do and I could pick one thing to do as a career what it would be I said I’d be a writer. I mean if I could go back and redo my life I’d probably be in politics somehow. But ultimately, writing is my one true love. So thank you, from the bottom of my little black, jaded heart the most sincere thank you for supporting me.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wanted there to be some one-on-one time with Jeremy and Charlie. Their banter makes me happy. The way he allowed her to talk so freely about the trauma in her life shows how caring of a person he is. I’m excited to continue to develop their friendship and see where it develops. I’m also super excited to get Tony to Tahoe! Charlie is obviously very close with her family and having her little brother with her will help her to develop the sense of calm she needs in her life. I think Jeremy will bring that to her too. And if nothing else, he’ll probably bring her a few laughs. 

I can’t wait to hear what you thought. Feel free to message me, comment, or whatever. Your feedback means so much to me. The only way for me to improve as a writer is through your feedback. Love what I’m doing? Awesome! It’s such a pick-me-up for a writer to hear someone loves their work. Trust me, with the stuff that goes on in my daily life those little nuggets of happiness mean everything. Hate the direction I took something? Confused by the wording I used? I want to hear that too. The only way to improve is to learn from my mistakes and move on from there. 

Again, thank you. You’re amazing.

xx. AM

#jeremy renner #jeremy renner fanfic #jeremy renner fan fic #jeremy renner fanfiction #jeremy renner fan fiction #fanfic #fan fic #fan fiction #fanfiction #fan fiction writers appreciation day #oc fanfic #original character fan fic #original character writing #fan fic writer #marvel #mcu #marvel hawkeye #renner #elizabeth olsen #lizzie olsen #Elizabeth Olsen as Charlie DeLuca #Lizza Olsen as Charlie DeLuca

[lovemesomesurveys]

How long has loneliness been your friend? “My loneliness is killing me...”

Sorry, had to. Anyway, loneliness and I go way back. I’d go through bouts of feeling lonely and also in the sense that I’m alone with my own mind and thoughts and no one really understands what I’m feeling and dealing with. Like, people can relate to some things and sympathize/empathize, but no one really knows exactly what someone is feeling and going through, ya know? That can feel lonely. I’m also someone who likes their alone time, though. I need it. Like I said, feelings of loneliness kinda comes and goes, but lately I’ve been feeling intensely lonely for some reason. 

When was the last time you remember not being lonely? >> I mean, I don’t feel lonely right now. It’s not a constant feeling, it comes and goes as it pleases. <<< That’s what I was trying to say. 

How many guys have attempted to rape you? Zero, but jeez you could have left this question out. 

When was the last time a cop committed a crime against you? That hasn’t happened.

Who was the last person you missed? There’s a few people I’ll always miss, like a few loved ones who have passed away and former friends.

Who is the last person you heard about who died in a car accident? There was a really sad story I heard recently about a mom and her baby that were killed in a car accident.

Have you ever lost a best friend in a car accident? No. 

Have you ever had a woman try to seduce you sexually? I had a friend who sometimes got flirty when drunk and she was saying sexual things to me. It was very awkward and uncomfortable.  

Do you ever pretend to not be so alone, or are you honest about it? I don’t pretend not to be, it’s just something I don’t talk about with anyone. Apart from in surveys, of course.

Are you wearing leggings right now? Yep. I’m always wearing leggings. 

Do you wish you had a new pair of fuzzy pajamas? >> Nah. I mean, I love fuzzy pajamas, but I can’t wear them. I get too hot. :( <<< Saaaame.

When was the last time you went to church? December 31, 2015.

Do you wish there were a good church in your town? There are. Do you wish you lived in a Christian bubble? I’m a Christian. What’s living in a Christian bubble?

What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? “My Happy Ending” and “I’m With You.”

Who are five of your favorite down-to-earth singers? I don’t know who would be considered a down to earth singer or not.

Is your hair messed up? It’s in a messy pony tail.

Do you wish you could let your anger show, and not hold it in? My irritability, frustration, and moodiness rears its ugly head all the time. It takes control over me. 

Why do you hold in your anger? Like I said, I rarely do. I don’t have much control over it.  Name someone who sexually harassed or abused you. Have you ever told anyone about this? If not, do you want to? Do you fear that no one would believe you? I haven’t experienced that.

What’s one thing you hate about being a woman? It used to be having a menstrual cycle, but I don’t have them anymore.

Do you wish you could be yourself without restraint? I am who I am. It’s not who I want to be, though. I don’t like who I am.

Name one good person you know. My family are good people.

Who would you like to talk to ? No one right now.

Was your last crush a good person, or a heartbreaker? He’s an amazing person. 

Have you ever had a crush like you back and be with you? Shockingly, yes.

Have you ever told someone you had a crush on them? Yes. Well, the 5 people I told were more than just a crush at that point.

Has anyone ever tried to force you to pretend you were suicidal, so they could get money? Wtf?? A question like this was in a previous survey I did recently, too. I’ve never heard of this. Not sure why that’s a question survey makers have come up with. Also, why would someone get money if I pretended to be suicidal? Anyway, I most definitely would not do that.

Who do you wish you could trust? Name one person. I can trust my family.

Has anyone ever accused you of being gay, then tried to seduce you? No.

Would you be more open about your faith if it weren’t for persecution? I don’t hide it.

Do you dream about being loved? I mean, I’d love to experience romantic love someday. 

Who do you love? Name one person . I love my family. That’s more than one person, but *shrug*

Do you wish your parents loved you? They do.

Would you be ok if your parents loved you? My parents do love me. My issues don’t have anything to do with that. Why does everyone hate you? I’ve hurt some people and I’m sure they feel very strongly about me in a negative way. I don’t blame them if they hate me. I know my family doesn’t hate me and that they ove me, but I feel like a total failure and disappointment to them. Not because of anything they’ve said or done, but because of who I am and what I have and haven’t done. I for one definitely hate myself. 

Do you stand up to bullies, or give in to them? I haven’t dealt with any bullies. Well, apart from myself to myself. I’m my own bully.

Do you think it’s ok to last out at someone when you’re angry? No, but unfortunately that’s what often happens. Especially to the ones we love. :(

Why are you so nice? I don’t think I am all that nice. :/ Not anymore. 

Do you realize that most people taking this survey are probably living in a bubble? Why do you say that?

Do you know anyone who’s not selfish?

Yes. My mom is one of the most selfless people I know.

Do you know any true Christian women? Women who aren’t selfish or rude? Yes.

When was the last time you had a hug? Can you remember how many years it’s been? It was just a couple days ago.

When was the lsat time you switched doctors? and do you like your new one? A couple years ago when I had to go to a new pain doctor. Yeah, the new one is fine.

Have you ever overdosed? No.

Do you wish all the people who have tried to kill you would get caught? I don’t think anyone has tried to kill me...

Who was the last couple that you’d expect to get divorced (that did)? Uhh.

Who was the last person that you’d expect to turn on you (that did)? No one has in a long time. I’m the one who pretty much turned on everyone these past few years. :/

Name a church that just wants your money. I don’t know.

What’s the last church you left because of the way you were treated? I haven’t had that issue. I’ve never been a regular church goer.

How bad do you want a mother? I am very fortunate to have my mother. She’s my best friend and my rock. I couldn’t keep going if it weren’t for her.

Do you pretend that you don’t want a mother? Never.

Do you wish you could afford make-up that wouldn’t get ruined when you cry? I don’t care about that. I never wear makeup anymore anyway.

What was the last church you loved that closed down? I haven’t experienced that.

Who was the last friend that betrayed you? I’m the friend who betrayed my friends these past few years. Keep rubbing that in, please.

Name 6 people who have tried to kill you. Wtf. Is that something you’ve experienced or something??

Do you think calling gossip “tea” is stupid? lol I call it that.

Who told you that reaching out to friends for support when you’re grieving a loss is a sin? and is this person a leader at a church? What?? I’ve never heard that.

Do Avril Lavigne songs speak to you? I haven’t listened to her music in several years, including the ones I listed previously, but those and “Complicated” definitely did at one point. Although, “So much for my happy ending...” feels fitting. 

Were you bullied at youth group? I was never in youth group.

Which church has the biggest bullies? I have no idea.

Who lied to the police about you because they were mad at you? No one has done that to me.

Do you trust any of your firends on facebook? My family members on there.

Are you a healer? No.

Do you have supernatural gifts? No.

Does anyone appreciate you? I don’t feel I deserve to be appreciated for anything.

What would you like to tell someone? Merry Christmas and a happy new year to ya’ll.

Do you look your age? I’ve been told I look a lot younger.

Are you sleepy? Always.

Do you hallucinate? No.

Have you ever seen a spirit? No.

Can you see spirits? I’ve never seen any.

What do you want for Christmas? A hippopotamus, haaa.

What’s something the Lord healed you of? One of the things I’m dealing with has healed, and another thing is making progress. There had been no signs of healing for a very long time (years) and I know I haven’t done anything to attribute to it. 

Do you wish you didn’t have to keep your faith a secret? and that you weren’t persecuted? Didn’t you ask that this? I don’t keep it a secret.

Do you wish you were loved? My family loves me.

Do you pretend you don’t want to be loved? No.

Can remember how many years it’s been since someone loved you? My family loves and has always loved me.

#this was a weird one ya'll #personl #text #survey #surveys