😭 college sucks w roommates cus u have literally nowhere to cry and to have a mental breakdown so u gotta do it in a public bathroom and use the scratchy towels to wipe ur face and when u come out everyone knows u just cried
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today has been one of the ✨️ worst ✨️ days of my life
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i kind of hate posting right now ...
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fuck swim im literally counting down the days until the seasons over
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It’s just a second week of studies and it’s gooooing.. badly
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Im so tired
This week was hell
I hate my job
Im not very good at my job and its making everything difficult
My head feels like its going to split apart after staring at code for 10 hours straight and jumping between four different projects at random intervals
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i literally hate how much my job sucks all of my focus for like...almost everything. i have so little for the things i do really enjoy-- so i just end up doing mindless shit like rewatching things i have seen millions of times and have memorized rather than reading incredible new works that have been waiting for me on ao3 for literal months or edits i wanna make and have a beautiful picture of in my head. or the fics i wanna write. cause i always have to pick so carefully where to spend my energy. i fucking hate it.
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i hate my fucking job can being a byler become a job? how can i get paid to obsess over stranger things? how can i get paid to obsess over two gay boys on a tv show? i’ve been doing it my whole life i’m basically a professional at this point. someone pay me for this.
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I hate how everyone expects me to get top or full marks on my exams and calls me talented and says that i have potential while pointing at the fact that I'm getting a low passing mark. Like you're literally contradicting yourself, you say I'm talented enough to achieve these high grades while pointing out the fact that I'm literally barely passing. And everyone's blowing it out of proportion too. They're saying that I'm never gonna get into college if I get a 4(passing grade) because colleges would rather have someone who got a 7 or 8 (very high grades), but I don't care. I seriously couldn't give the slightest fuck about education anymore. It's driven me to near insanity and I genuinely don't even want to stay in school until 18. I don't give a shit about jobs or money or opportunities or to be something big and make use of my potential, I just want to fucking live. No one's letting me be me, I always have to be better than me, and paired with the fact that everyone's simultaneously denying I have some kind of neurodivergenct and saying they're supposedly giving me all the additional support they can (they're not), it's completely wrecking me inside and out.
Mentally, this year has been the worst year for my mental health because of anger issues and anxiety and social issues and a general want to isolate. Physically, my unknown joint issues that are apparently just growing pains have gotten worse and its a chore to go up and down small flights of stairs and get from one building to another. I've had to start taking steroid medication inhalers because my asthma gotten worse from the stress. My eczema has come back on my face and its one of the most humiliating things because I look diseased. My hair is shedding far more than usual and my hair is usually thick but fragile. My chest and back and legs have been in more pain combined this year than when I had appendicitis.
I seriously just want to give up and become a hermit. I'm sick of life and I'd rather be contained in a little bubble as the family's next disappointment. I sobbed my eyes out over a badly formatted revision book tonight, I'm not emotionally stable enough to take on exams, let alone life, and all anyone has to say is to just be more resilient, as if I want to have the emotional maturity of a 10 year old. I'm tired and I don't care about my future anymore.
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I know one thing for certain
Whenever I finally get my "forever job" (idk what else to call it) it's not gonna be manual labor
I worked 8 hours and 30 minutes yesterday and today I'm supposed to work 9 hours and thirty minutes, and I'm only 6 hours and thirty minutes into the shift and I already feel like I'm about to fall over and pass out, not to mention I work both tomorrow and Sunday for 2 more 8 hour shifts
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i wanna quit my job
someone tell me to quit, someone convince me that im worth better
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TW: Sh pics
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About two seconds away from being admitted again
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