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#I turn 30 next weekend and for my birthday I have treated myself to hosting an art exhibition of all of the prints from the zine
janamelie · 3 years
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Dimension Jump XXI Report
I suppose I’m a DJ veteran now as this was my fifth consecutive one and the fourth at the Nottingham Crowne Plaza which is an expensive four-star hotel.  Sharing with a friend helps keep the cost reasonable and honestly, it’s worth it for the sheer convenience of being right there in the hotel and being able to nip back to your room as required.  (To be clear, you don’t have to stay in the hotel to attend the con.  There are plenty of other hotels nearby.)
Plus there is always the chance that you’ll see a guest at breakfast as I did Danny once.  He picked out a few pieces of fruit and nibbled at them before wandering over late to his photoshoot.  What else would you expect from a cat though?
Friday
Myself and @downonthepharm-red-dwarf (Amy) had arrived the previous day so had plenty of time to be near the front of the queue for registration.  Which meant we saw Hattie Hayridge arrive in a stunning designer coat and with smart luggage.  She really brought her outfit A-game and looked great the whole weekend.
Once we’d presented our respective proofs of full Covid vaccination or a recent negative test, we were given our DJ passes and booklets.  The latter has spaces for signatures from guests, an Order Of Events and various handy tips for the weekend.
The con kicks off at 5pm with an hour of gradual build-up in the Main Hall - they show videos from previous events, specially made titbits with various guests past and present such as Mark Dexter doing a mock guide to DJ and Rebecca Blackstone voicing Pree.  It all helps with the atmosphere, as do the numerous RD posters dotted around the hotel.
Then it was time for the Opening Ceremony featuring various Fan Club team members and an overcrowded stage full of cardboard boxes - the joke was that they’d had too much time on their hands during lockdowns and bought loads of stuff online.  It was obviously also a nod to Lister’s hoarding in “The Promised Land”.  
The sketch featured a specially made shot of the AA adverts’ Starbug model landing outside the Crowne Plaza and an 80s computerised version of the lovely convention logo.  You could tell a lot of loving effort had gone into the whole thing.
Once the guest line-up had been announced (I’ll get to that not-really-a-surprise-guest shortly), we went straight into the RD Pub Quiz, hosted by Hattie.  DOTP and I had been joined at our table by Lapsang and Barbs from our Discord (No Kind Of Atmosphere) plus various other attendees we’d befriended.
Someone in the crowd yelled “I love you, Hattie!” to which she quipped “I’ve pulled already!”  Another bloke shouted “Fuck off, she’s mine!” which led to a few shouts of “Fight!”  When neither seemed keen to do so, Hattie joked: “Only two?  That’s a bit pathetic!” and then we got started.
The quiz is hard, by design, but I’m good at quizzes and my team - No Kind Of Atmosphere after our Discord - came joint third which was gratifying.  (I was on the winning team a few DJs ago, to blow my own trumpet for a moment.  This is my report, after all.)
And then it was time for the first guest Q&A with - surprise, surprise - Johnny Vegas aka the Crit Cop in “Timewave”.  Not a great episode but he more than made up for that with an appearance I can only describe as chaotic.  Warning - DO NOT attempt to heckle him unless you want to be singled out and humiliated in front of the entire audience in a “Can’t look away” fashion which was nonetheless entertaining.  The man in question tweeted about it afterwards and seems to have taken it in good spirit.
Once we’d moved on from encouraging people to leave unpleasant things in room 429, it turned out Johnny’s a big fan of the show and owned it on VHS (so did I).  He thinks of the main characters, Holly would win at “Taskmaster” and had good reasons for that conclusion.  
He was dubious about the pink costume he wore in “Timewave” as he thought it might take away from the character but said he eventually decided he needed to get over what he was wearing and just go for it.  He also said one of his worst working moments was on “Benidorm” when he had to hold his breath underwater in a freezing swimming pool and his co-star kept forgetting her two lines so they had over 30 takes.  Ouch.
Johnny left commenting that he got less love at his 50th birthday party.  But we hadn’t seen the last of him by any means as people kept buying him drinks during the Auction, leading to him successfully bidding for one of the items on offer.
And then he was back for the Karaoke.  Now if you - as he informed us - had to undergo emergency dental surgery in the morning and had practically lost your voice, would you sing karaoke?  And not only that, would you sing a version of “Love On The Rocks” which lasted 11 minutes according to someone on Twitter (I wasn’t timing it, but I can believe it), followed by the full-length version of “American Pie”?
If you answered no, you’re clearly not Johnny Vegas.  He went to bed so late that the unfortunate Fan Club team member assigned to look after him got a grand total of 90 minutes’ sleep.
Saturday
DOTP and I had paid for the Photoshoot with Mr Vegas, Danny John-Jules and Ray Fearon.  We got in the queue at 9am which was when it was supposed to start.  An hour later we were still waiting.  Yep, Danny was late.
Once he made it to the hotel, I got my photo in front of a Science Room backdrop.  You might think Mr Vegas would be hungover and rushing through it, but on the contrary, he was still enjoying the hell out of proceedings which was refreshing to see.  Since he’d been added to the line-up too late to be in the souvenir booklet, he signed extra inserts for the Fan Club which they handed out to everyone at the later Autograph sessions so attendees got his autograph after all even though he’d finally left.  That’s what I call throwing yourself into an event.
Next up was a combined Q&A with Danny and Ray (originally separate but Danny’s lateness meant they were teamed up).  This wasn’t a problem at all though - on the contrary, it worked really well as the chumminess between them added to the vibe.  Also it was Ray’s first convention so he probably preferred to have Danny backing him up, especially since the poor man tripped on his way to the stage and almost fell.  I don’t think he was hurt but I cringed with secondhand embarrassment and empathy.  He wasn’t the only one to fall foul of the edge of the stage that weekend; I think it was the slightly raised dancefloor in front of it.
As is usual for Danny, we were treated to over half an hour of what you can only really describe as a stream of consciousness as he pontificated about various things.  He and Ray did also talk about working together on “Death In Paradise” and Ray described his worst working experience there - he had to play a scene in a club in 45 degree heat with a live snake wrapped around his neck!
Ray is attractive in a “Hollywood hunk” way and Danny was clearly conscious of this, joking that he’d “brought his own security with him” and muttering “I’m better-looking anyway!”  But all in a jokey way as they’re clearly friends.
Danny had come from filming and dropped a heavy hint that he’s appearing in a Dickens adaptation which I imagine will be shown at Christmas as they generally are.  He also complained that Craig Charles never answers his phone: “You send him a message and he answers it on Twitter a month later!”  (Interestingly, Chris Barrie later mentioned a recent phone conversation with Craig so make of that what you will.)
Ray was quieter but happy to talk about the vagaries of showbiz and typecasting - he said that due to his Shakespearean background he gets a lot of serious roles so people were genuinely surprised that he could also do comedy but “I was always funny!”  He also gently teased Danny about the age of some of his references before admitting he still finds Tommy Cooper funny.
Danny usually performs “Tongue-tied” with a good grace when inevitably asked to by an audience member but perhaps it’s finally starting to pall as this time he did it in the style of Oliver Reed’s Bill Sykes and included a lot of X-rated references to cunnilingus etc.  It was entertaining though.
Next up was a live Q&A (over Zoom) with Chris Barrie.  Danny decided to stick around as he wanted to show Chris something he’d ordered online.  It took a while to get the cameras in the right position for Chris to be able to see it and Danny needed a knife to open the parcel, leading Chris to quip “Is this a good time for me to step out for some lunch?”
However, it turned out to be worth it as it was a custom-made Ace Rimmer doll which impressed Chris with its quality and he complimented the maker.
Danny and Ray then departed for their lunch and to take part in the Coffee Lounge which this year had reduced its numbers for Covid-related reasons and held a ballot for entry in the interests of fairness.  Amy and I didn’t get in but happily stayed for the rest of Chris’s Q&A.
In the “working from home” spirit, Chris was in a hoodie in his living room as opposed to his more usual smart suit.  He was suitably relaxed and revealed he got through lockdown by concentrating on the things which make him happy, such as his hobbies, his garden and his family.  His favourite episodes are “Marooned”, “Dimension Jump” and - less predictably - “Twentica”.  He also referred to a recent “mannerly, as he would call it” phone conversation with Craig.  No details but it had clearly been a positive experience.
Amy decided to liven up the ending of his Q&A by asking a vitally important, “TPL”-related question.  Whom would Rimmer find more attractive, a female version of Lister or a female version of Cat?
Once the laughter had died down and Chris had bought some time by pointing out that “neither of them are women”, he gave the question appropriate consideration.  He pondered whether Rimmer would be more taken by the “simple charms” of Lister or the “feline grace” of Cat.  This next bit is courtesy of Amy as my memory isn’t infallible: He said it’d be a choice between a feline form or a rounder, a bit more slovenly woman - he wouldn’t want the perfectly feline woman because she might not like his imperfections, but he also wouldn’t want someone who ate curry three times a day.  “Basically, a balance would be ideal.”
That was the last question but Chris provided a little more entertainment as he had a “How do you turn this off then?” moment a la Gordon the computer in “Better Than Life” and made amusing faces as he figured it out.  If it was anyone but Chris I’d think it was a deliberate reference to that but I think he was genuinely befuddled.
We then broke for lunch, followed by Autographs with Hattie, Danny, Ray and Norman Lovett.  I got the latter three to sign the “TPL” poster I’d brought with me but gave Hattie the booklet instead as it seemed more tactful.  She complimented the dress I was wearing and I returned the compliment, telling her how much the fans appreciate the effort she makes with her DJ outfits.
Norman commented how there’s a version of the “TPL” poster he isn’t on, bemusedly.  Fortunately mine was the version including him. 
I spent the rest of the afternoon chilling in the bar with Amy, Lapsang and Barbs, chatting to other attendees.  Graphic Designer Matthew Clark was now in the Merchandise Room with various props from Series XII and “TPL” including the Starbug manual used onscreen.  I got his autograph on my poster but it’s an incomprehensible squiggle.  Oh well.  He was very friendly and easy to talk to.
After a break for dinner, the Main Hall reopened for the Costume Competition.  This seems to get better every DJ, with an amazing “Greyscale Rimmer” who was discomfiting to be around due to the corpse-like makeup, a Natalina Pushkin, a Nirvanah Crane who could almost have been Jane Horrocks herself and a Diving Suit Cat from “BTE”.  Other entries included Rimmer’s Mum, “Giraffes who were armed and dangerous” and a Confidence And Paranoia who were later pictured at the bar chatting to Paranoia himself, Lee Cornes.
We then had a special video message from Doug Naylor which I won’t go into as I’m sure everyone’s already heard the details.  Suffice to say, his tone was positive.
The second Auction was hosted by Ian Boldsworth who made it more entertaining by adding his own commentary to each item.  This was followed by a stand-up set from Norman.  It was amusing but he misjudged the mood a bit, I feel.  When you’re waiting for a disco to start and it’s already hours late due to Danny’s tardiness, you don’t particularly want to contemplate your own mortality.  We were here to get away from all that, as much as possible.
Anyway, the Disco was a lot of fun even if Dave Benson Phillips’ presence as host was sorely missed.  Hattie danced for the best part of an hour alongside everyone else.  The stand-in DJs did their job and I stayed until the end.  The final two songs were “Bohemian Rhapsody” and … “Tongue-tied”.
Sunday
Not being in the Sunday Photoshoot, Amy and I had a nice leisurely breakfast and got over last night’s festivities before the first Q&A, live over Zoom with Robert Llewellyn.
This was hosted by Ian Boldsworth who in his capacity as Dave era audience warm-up knows Robert well.  Clearly well enough to get away with teasing him relentlessly about not being at the con in person until poor Robert was a mess of Krytenesque guilt.  
His protestations that he’d been scheduled to be in Munich this weekend but no longer was (he was at home) only made things worse.  Ian: “Oh, so that’s two sets of people you’ve disappointed now!  Stop saying yes to things!”  It was hilarious and Robert took it in its intended spirit.  Also Ian was getting a measure of revenge for Robert - in character as Kryten - dry humping him at recordings.  One attendee asked “With the groinal attachment?!”
Robert admitted that he finds Kryten’s various groinal attachments hilarious and if he was writing the show they’d be in every episode.  He praised Doug’s restraint.
He also admitted that in “TPL” he had an earpiece to have his lines fed to him.  Since it’s controlled by an iPad, certain unscrupulous cast members took great delight in feeding him rude ones.
He still intends to update “The Man In The Rubber Mask” but atm “Fully Charged” is consuming a lot of his time as it’s become much more successful than he anticipated and he’s in charge of several people.
Surprisingly, he would hate appearing in RD without the Kryten makeup, both because it’s become much quicker to apply and because it provides him with a shield and he becomes Kryten and forgets stagefright.  He still can’t watch “DNA” for that reason.
Lapsang, who played Kryten in “Into The Gloop”, asked Robert if he’d seen it.  He hadn’t but said he was now very curious and would find a way to.
Next up was Lee Cornes aka Paranoia who said he originally auditioned for the lead roles and like the other unsuccessful actors got the consolation prize of a guest appearance.  Upon being asked if he’d gone out for a drink with Craig Ferguson’s Confidence, he said no because at the time they had a frosty relationship due to rumours that Craig was plagiarising other comics’ jokes.  Lee said it was all very silly and he’s since apologised.
Interestingly, Lee is a qualified science teacher and carried on with that career alongside his media one, leading to surreal situations where his pupils would ask: “Sir?  Were you on the telly last night?”  “Yes.”  “Are we on the telly now, sir?”
Someone asked a good question - what would Lister’s Paranoia be like now 33 years later?  Lee would be willing to reprise the role but isn’t sure it would work as the original had a childish quality whereas he feels now the character would be a lot darker and less funny.  Lee was both thoughtful and entertaining in his responses.
He was followed onstage by Hattie and Norman, who resolutely refused to rise to the bait of an audience member attempting to stir up a rivalry between them.  That only works when one isn’t the nicest person you could meet.
A tactless audience member asked both if they’d watched “TPL” instead of directing the question at Norman.  Luckily Hattie had seen it and particularly enjoyed the cat flap joke although she felt there was a little too much focus on the guest cast.
Norman didn’t really watch RD after he left but Hattie has seen Norman’s early episodes as he lent them to her back when she was originally cast as Hilly for research purposes.  Bear in mind this was 1988 when they weren’t even available on VHS so presumably he recorded them off the TV.  
Hattie confirmed with a sigh that she’s simply never been asked to return in any capacity: “That’s the short answer.”  What the hell, I’ll say it one more time - Bring Back Hattie!  One episode, that’s all I ask.  As it stands, it’s starting to look like a pointed and deliberate snub which mystifies me.
We then broke for lunch, followed by Rob Grant and Paul Jackson.  For obvious reasons they didn’t go into the current legal mess, opting instead to entertain the fans with the story of how they met and their early pre-RD work (Rob and Doug as freelance writers for Paul’s producer).
We saw some clips from their early shows including “Three Of A Kind” with Lenny Henry, Tracy Ullman and … later magician David Copperfield; apparently they all had the same agent and Paul took on David as a favour.  For a 40 year old show it held up pretty well and was in much better sound and picture quality than older shows often are. “Carrott’s Lib” was just as funny.
It’s a bit hard to summarise but this session was entertaining and gripping.  Rob still wants to write another RD novel and I believe there’s nothing actually stopping him as both he and Doug had an option to write a second solo novel.  So we’ll see.
The final Q&A was Matthew Clark who was very informative and interesting, showing us numerous production stills from Series XII and “TPL” and talking us through them.  There was a groan when time was called before he was finished.
By now time was running short and Amy and I went back to the room to pack and leave our luggage with reception before watching the start of “Dibbley Family Fortunes”. Since I knew I wouldn’t have time to watch it all, I instead nipped upstairs to Autographs with Lee and Ian, timing it perfectly as the queue had almost vanished.
Ian was still performing, drawing scornful attention to the fact that Lee had a longer queue: “Can you imagine all these people queueing to see Lee Cornes?!”  It sounds rude out of context but he was clearly joking.
I decided to ask Lee what flavour the yogurt Paranoia eats was.  He said it didn’t really taste of anything as it was the cheapest, nastiest canteen yogurt available and was also starting to curdle under the studio lights so eating it can’t have been much fun.
Since I now had about 15 minutes before I had to go, I caught a bit of Dibbley Family Fortunes, said goodbye to Amy, Lapsang and Barbs and then dashed off to catch the tram to the train station.  Another great DJ.
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Helloooo, please can you write an imagine where Y/N and Harry were best friends at first then were a couple for almost 1 year and a half but break up and she’s now in relationship with a guy and he told her at a family dinner that he still loves her but she told him smt like “You were my real first love and love story, and I love you but I love him more. He’s the man of my life. But we can still be friends.” Something like this❤️
Warnings: not proofed. Angsty as hell, teen!harry, X factor!harry, best friend!harry.
 *** 
 Y/N and Harry shared everything: a street, toys, friends and even a birthday (Feb, 1, 1994) just as their mothers had. Given that they were also childhood best friends. Y/N and Harry had been friends for years — but then, the X Factor happened… Y/N hated those 3 words. They were the words that had changed the entire dynamic of their relationship; as both friends and as a couple. Well… as much of a “couple” as love sick 16 year olds could be. They’d dated for just over a year before he auditioned for the X Factor. They had been each other’s first everything: first kiss, first real person, first time and of course, first heartbreak. First he broke hers. It happened when news broke that he had made it past the first round of auditions.
“I made it, Y/N.” he’d said. It was totally casual and caught her by surprise. They were lying in his family’s living room in Holmes Chapel watching The Notebook with Gemma, Anne and Robin.
She shot up straight from her position on his lap.
“W-what?” She gasped.
“I made the X Factor.” He said, sitting up to pause the film.
“O-oh. That’s great! I knew you could do it, H!” She stammered hugging him close.
“We’re moving to London.” He mumbled.
“Wait… what?” She questioned.
“We’re moving to London, Y/N. as long as I’m in the competition I need to be on set, and because I’m not 18 mum and Robin need to be with me on set.” He murmured.
“Oh… well London’s only 3 hours away. I could come visit on weekends.” She quipped.
“I don’t know, love. That’s a pretty big commitment. We can’t even drive yet, and that’s a lot to expect from your parents.”
“You could just tell me you don’t want this anymore Harry. I don’t need your pathetic excuses.” She cried rushing out of the living room.
“Y/N, honey! Come back please!” Anne called out.
“BABY PLEASE!” Harry cried running barefoot down his cobblestone drive. But it was no use, she was gone.
Over the next few weeks before he left for London, H made every attempt to contact Y/N. He waited for her at her locker at school, outside of her classes, showed up at her doorstep every morning before school with his famous iced tea that she loved so much and everyday she would walk right past him as if he were some stranger passing her on the street. She’d even resorted to blocking his number on her mobile and not allowing her mother to answer their home phone when his number showed up on the caller ID.
Eventually he learned his lesson and stopped attempting to contact her. But not before he could leave a note in her locker before he left for London.
“Y/N,
I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t mean what I said the way it sounded. Please let me explain.
I love you,
H.”
——
It had been nearly 3 months since Harry had made any more attempts to contact Y/N, and she had made no attempts at all to reciprocate those attempts. But nonetheless, it still broke her heart to even think about Harry in the arms of another girl — let alone an older woman… not to mention a woman 14 years his senior! It was sickening. She tried her hardest not to pay attention to the rumours and wanted nothing more than believe they were false, but when every media outlet in the UK was reporting about the supposed relationship between “16 year old X Factor contestant Harry Styles and the host Caroline Flack, aged 30” the rumours became rather hard to ignore. But she had to see for herself, so one weekend, close to the show finale, she decided to take Anne up on one of her multiple offers to make the trip to London because “Harry was dying to see her.” She, Anne and Gemma decided to surprise Harry and meet him at Nando’s one evening to surprise him with her visit, only to see him show up hand in hand at the restaurant with her.
That’s when Y/N truly decided to let Harry go. She no longer tuned into the competition, deleted him on all social media and no longer hung-out with the friend group they shared at school. Instead she became a secluded introvert, only going from school to work.
—— 8 years later (January, 28, 2018) ——
It’s been 8 years since Harry and Y/N had physically laid eyes on one another. Not even at Robin’s wake or service. She went of course she did. He was almost as much of, if not more of a father to her than her own dad, she just sat in the back and only made her presence known to Anne and Gemma when Harry was no longer in the room. She decided to unblock his number for a short while and send him her condolences on Robin’s passing, but then she was back to ignoring him. That doesn’t mean that she’s a stranger to her ex boyfriend’s crazy success and scandalous relationships. She’s run into Anne now and again when she was out and about in Holmes Chapel visiting her mother. She also still had the occasional girl’s day in London with Gemma whenever their schedules meshed properly.
She’d moved there 6 years ago when she was 18 after being accepted to Oxford for (your choice in major). She decided to stay in town after she graduated, she received a job offer with a salary that was impossible to pass up just weeks after graduation.
Soon after she started her new job was when she met Kyle. The way they met was kind of serendipitous, if you will. She’d literally spilt her iced tea on him after they collided turning a corner on the street. They’d been inseparable ever since. He’s been her everything for the past 6 years. Which is amazing, considering she never thought she’d feel this way about another man ever again. Not after he broke her heart all those years ago. Anne and Gemma were happy for her, but would be happier if it were Harry she were still with. They liked Kyle enough though, he treated her well and that’s all they ever wanted for her.
Now, four days before their shared 24th birthday she’s sitting on the sofa in the flat she shared with Kyle trying to get Gemma off the phone.
“Gem, how many times do I need to tell you I. Don’t. Want. A. Party. 24 is no special occasion. I’m not 16, or 18 or 21. ‘M just another year older. Can’t we just go to Greece for a weekend? Just the 2 of us and the mums?” (Anne and Y/M/N). Y/N begs.
“Ugh. Fine. I guess, if that’s what you want. But are you sure you don’t want anything on your actual birthday? Y’know like dinner or summat?” Gemma questions.
“Um, no. I think Kyle’s taking me to Gordon Ramsey’s new restaurant in Chelsea that night. Think he wants it to be a surprise though. I over heard him making the reservation a few weeks back.”
“Oh yeah, I know the place. Fancy little bloke inn’he?” She giggles finding her own sense of humour rather amusing.
“Ha ha, Gem. Laugh it up. S’more than you can say H—-“ Y/N stops herself just before her friend’s brother’s name leaves her lips. “Never mind. Sorry. I didn’t mean that.” She retracts.
“No, Y/N, S’okay. I get it. Know he’s m’brother and what he did was a while back but it still makes him a wanker.” Gem agrees.
“Okay. I’ll call you in a few days to sort out the details of the trip, Gem. Talk soon.” Y/N smiles.
“Laters, baby.” Gemma laughs.
—4 days later, Birthday evening (Feb, 1, 2018) Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant.—
“Wow, Ky. This place is amazing, you shouldn’t have.” Y/N gasps as the hostess brings them to their table and informs them their server will be by shortly to take their orders.
“Course I should, love. S’not every day the girl you love turns 24.” Kyle smirks.
Just as the sommelier (wine expert) approaches their table.
“Excuse me, are you Miss. Y/L/N?” He questions.
“Um yes? What is this about?” She asks sheepishly, confused. Kyle himself seeming just as clueless.
“This is for you. Compliments of the gentleman over there at table 4. Enjoy your meal. This pairs lovely with the prime rib, if I do say so myself.” The wine master smiles as he departs from the table.
Y/N looks over Kyle’s shoulder to see the one and only Harry Styles smirking at her from across the dining room. “Happy Birthday, love” he mouths, lifting his own glass of wine in a “cheers” salute.
“If you’ll excuse me, Kyle I need to take care of something really quickly.” Y/N says, giving her date a tight lipped smile before marching over to Harry and hauling him up from the table by the cuff of his Gucci suit jacket.
“Oi, love. That’s no way to greet an old friend on his birthday is it?” Harry jabs as she continues to maneuver them out the main doors of the restaurant.
“First of all a $300 bottle of wine? Are you freaking kidding me, Harry? Second of all… s’tha’ all I am to you, an’ “old friend?” And third, how the bloody freaking ‘ell did you find me? Especially tonight of all nights?” She whisper yells as they gat far enough into the parking lot.
“One, happy birthday. I know you love that wine. He probably would’ve ordered you some cheap $50 merlot. Two, no love, yer much more to me than just and old friend. S’what I came ere to tell yeh. And three, I’m Harry freaken Styles, love. There’s nothin I can’t do. Not to mention Gordon owed me a favour after I performed at his daughter’s graduation last year. When Gem told me yer new bloke was bringing yeh ere tonight I decided to call in that favour.” Harry smiles, taking in the appearance of the girl he’s loved for the last 20 some-odd years of his life. The same one he hasn’t seen in nearly 8 years. But seeing her here, tonight looking gorgeous as ever in that tight black dress and killer Louboutins, with him?? Well that was a hell of a kick in the nads.
“Why did you really come here, Harry? Because I know it wasn’t just to give me expensive wine and say happy birthday. But if it was, happy birthday, Harry. Goodbye.” Y/N mutters, shaking her head and walking away.
“N-no, baby please! Don’t walk away. Not again.” He begs grabbing at Y/N’s wrist and pulling her into him. “Please, baby. I love you. Don’t walk away again. If you do, I don’t think I can take it.” He says, full on sobbing now and literally begging on his knees outside the busiest restaurant in the Chelsea district, not caring who sees him.
“Get up, Harry. You’re making a scene. Im not your baby anymore. I haven’t been for the last 8 years. And that was your choice. I loved you, but I love Kyle, now. I’d still like to be friends though, yeah?” Y/N says in an attempt to plaster a fake sad smile on her face and look away from Harry to wipe her own tears.
“Not Harry to you baby. ‘M anything but. What happened to H or babe or love or handsome?? Anything but Harry. That makes it too real. You know we can never be friends. We’ve been through too much.” He sobs, standing up to hug her again.
“M’sorry, H. I love Kyle and he’s inside waiting. I’m sure I’ll see you around yeah?” She says, releasing herself from his embrace and kissing his cheek before reentering the restaurant and leaving Harry out in the cold.
——
Fin?? But could definitely see this being a small series if you all like it! There are plenty of places I could go with this! xx M.
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vinniehatesyou · 5 years
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heart to break.
i found the video, and the thing is - it’s not the video that broke my heart. it was filmed before we even knew each other. i can’t really be mad at what happened before me. we all have a past.
but i could tell you’re trying to fill the void. let me love you. let me fill the void that only true love can. but yet you’re pushing me away so hard.
--
months ago, we were in your kitchen, naked - in Stockholm. we were making dinner when you started.
“i don’t know why it’s so difficult with you. i love kissing you. holding you. being with you. i just don’t know why i can’t get hard.” you clamored.
“do you think it’s because you have feelings for me?” i asked.
“i don’t know what I feel for you. i don’t know why i’m not sick of you yet, or why I feel this way.”
“have you ever had sex with someone you’ve had feelings for?”
“no....what does it feel like?”
“it’s different. good different.”
You went for a cigarette on your balcony as I finished chopping the onions exactly like how you instructed me to do - first horizontally and then vertically.
you came up from behind me and put your arms around me, crying. I could feel your tears on my back.
“thank you for coming into my life. i never want to lose you.” you sobbed.
“don’t cry. i’ll never leave you. whatever happens, even if we don’t end up together. you’ll always be dear to me.”
that night it changed. that night everything worked like it should. everything was perfect. i thought maybe we had finally fixed your Madonna-Whore complex.
--
Then I left for New York.
--
And when I came back to you three months later, you were disgusted by my touch. You pulled away and pushed me off every chance you got.
You broke my heart that night. My first night in London. I flew across the ocean for you, and you broke my heart.
“I think with time I just because sure I didn’t want to be with you. I know myself and I’m a super sexual person and I just have no sexual attraction to you.” you said.
“Walk me through this, because the last time I saw you you were crying in my arms and now you’re telling me you’re not sexually attracted to me and that you don’t even want me near you? I worked out non-stop for the past three months so when I saw you again I’d be buffer than I was before! You even noticed it!” I said.
“Thing’s changed. I can’t help but feel like I led you on. Maybe I just thought you were so endearing how much you wanted me, that I could try but...” 
“Fucking walk me through this Jimmy.”
“I thought what we had was really special, and then as the summer wore on I thought about you less and realized that you weren’t that special.”
“What the fucking hell. No. I don’t accept that. It’s you and me! In the end! It’s you and me!”
“I don’t know what to tell you. I just don’t want to be with you.” 
“No. Get over your fucking self. We have baggage. We all have baggage, you just don’t want to work on unpacking yours.”
We went to bed, next to each other. The way we would sleep for the rest of my nights there with you.
--
The next day was your birthday. It was abysmal.
My heart had just been broken, and now you were upset that I was quiet.
“I hate it when you’re quiet. Please talk to me.” you begged.
“I’m just processing. I’m okay with saying goodbye to you on Sunday, but let’s try and make this a good weekend at least okay?”
The day dragged on. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I saw you looking at me from the corner of my eye, your eyes watering. Would I care if you cried now? I don’t know.
We went to the museum, we had lunch with your friends, I bought you that Calvin Klein coat you wanted so badly. I took you to a Michelin Star restaurant. On top of my original birthday present - a ticket to Tokyo. 
We were supposed to go together, remember?
We tried to clear the air but we couldn’t.
We got into bed.
“Goodnight!” you grunted.
“What is it Jimmy? Just tell me.”
“Today was awful, I know I just hurt you but it makes me hurt to see you like this.”
“Well then that’s a Catch 22 isn’t it? Don’t be selfish. You’re telling me to stop being sad so you can feel better about yourself. You just fucking dumped me and I’m still sleeping in your damn bed.” I quipped back.
“I don’t know what’s worse - the dread of having you near me or the guilt I would feel if I asked you to leave.”
I started to cry.
“I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t! Everything I have ever done was to make you happy! You said you needed space, I gave it to you. You said you weren’t done being single, I let be free. You wanted that fucking Calvin Klein coat - I bought it for you. So you know what? You figure out which of these you can live with and I’ll do it. I’ll try and find a place tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry. It came off wrong, I didn’t mean it like that.” you apologized.
I went to bed.
--
The next morning you turned over.
“I’m sorry I put you in this situation. Because I was in it too. I know what it’s like.”
“Tell me about that, Jimmy.”
“I went to New York, and a guy kicked me out. I had no where to stay, and then angel saved me.”
“Who saved you?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“You did.”
“That’s right. I gave you a place to stay when you had no where else to go, and the irony is no that you’re kicking me out after I saved you.”
I got ready and left for the day. I didn’t want to be around you, and I know you didn’t want to be around me.
I went to meet up with a friend and walk around Selfridges when I got a text from my sister.
I began to cry profusely.
I quickly found my way to the Korean dessert shop we went to that first night I arrived, on our double date with Willis and Ailton.
There in the corner, I facetimed with my mom and sister. I began to cry uncontrollably.
“He was different, He was like Alex.” I sobbed.
My family knew what that meant.
“We know. We felt it. You haven’t been like this about a guy since Alex. We’ve never seen you cry in your adult life, so we know the kind of power it took to break a heart like yours.”
I went back to the house, shortly before your party guests arrived. 
We did a line of cocaine and smoked a cigarette on your balcony.
“What did you do today?” you asked.
“I went shopping, facetimed my family, cried in Selfridges.”
“Tell your mom I’m sorry.”
“Tell her yourself.” I quipped “You can tell her at our wedding, about the time you broke my heart when you were 27.”
“You’re so sure it’s me - why? I think you like the idea of me, or that we’re good on paper.”
“I could go on about why I want to be with you, and just you. But not tonight. For the record, we’re not good on paper. We just make a cute couple online. Joey Kim and I are good on paper. You and I are good because you make me a better person, and deny it all you fucking want but I’ve changed you too.”
The doorbell rang and people started to come in. 
You began your duties as party host and left me to the sidelines. I didn’t care, I can handle my own in a crowded room. I didn’t work in PR for nothing.
I met Nathan, a former fling turned friend.
“It’s not you, you know. It’s him.” Nathan whispered.
“What?”
“It’s Jimmy. He has blinders on right now, he has a one track mind and can’t see what you’re offering. I know you see the crack in his wall. I know you’re sitting there waiting for it to come down. It’s no way to live your life - but know that you mean something more to him than any guy before. I’ve heard about you from the beginning. You’re different, yes. But you can’t wait for him.”
I felt comforted, but still broken. 
The night wore on and we ended up at that club. 4 of your friends made their move - telling me how attractive I was, feeling me up, and eventually going in for the kiss.
I did it just to make you jealous. But I suppose you didn’t care.
The party moved to Matt’s house, where we all got so high. You, in particular, dropped out.
I had had enough, I was taking you home. It was 8:30 AM. the party was over.
Unable to walk, I hoisted you over my shoulder and carried you out to the Uber, you throwing up on the way. 
You put your head on my lap and held my hand.
“Thank you for treating me like a Princess.” you slurred.
“When will you realize that I’m your White Knight? When I told you I loved you, I meant I would love you unconditionally. Despite the shit-storm you put me through, I will always protect you.”
I carried you up the stairs, put you in bed and took off your clothes. I crawled in next to you and wrapped my arms around you. For once, you didn’t push me off. You held me, wedging yourself into my nook. I always loved how perfectly you fit in there.
Then the high wore off, and you pushed me away again.
My phone went off.
“How as last night?” Nathan texted.
“Um.”
“Want to get lunch and talk about it?”
“I’ll be there in 20.”
Nathan and I went some local diner he loves, where I poured my heart out. About our entire relationship from start to finish and all the troubles along the way.
He had a lot of insight, including the fact that we never really had a chance to start normally. we were long distance from the start which puts a lot of pressure from the beginning. Or the constant need for attention and validation. But his most poignant question left me speechless:
“Do you think he can’t see you sexually, in addition to emotional commitment, is because you’re Asian?”
I wanted to say no. But, you did grow up in Stockholm, the only Chinese kid in a sea of white blonde masses. You only moved to London a year ago. You lived your life among all whites. I didn’t know.
I left and went home, and saw you and some of your friends. We hung out for a bit until they left and you and I were on the couch watching movies. I moved my arm around you and you whined. 
“What the fuck Jimmy?”
“What are you doing? Don’t cuddle me. There are friends I just don’t touch! I don’t touch Olaf!”
We got into it. We hashed out everything, I was leaving tomorrow and didn’t want to do it then. We talked about your change of heart, why it happened, what happened. I told you why I believed why you were the one, and why we should try again after you’ve unpacked some of your emotional baggage. And most importantly when we live in the same city.
 But then I asked the question that had been on my mind all day.
“Is it cause I’m Asian?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” you said.
I don’t know who I felt. It was a fair response. It was an honest response. But it was also an answered filled with self loathing and lack of self worth - which made everything so clear. Your behavior towards me, the video I found, your weird comments about my ex’s being so attractive that you felt flattered you were in their league. 
“You need to fucking unpack that shit.” I demanded.
“Don’t try and cuddle me tonight.” you said.
“I’ll try not to.”
--
The morning came, and my flight was in the afternoon.
I put my arms around you and slid my hand into the waistband of your briefs. I stroked you until you got hard and removed your underwear, and proceeded to work my mouth down to your ass.
“Are you saying goodbye to my butt?” you asked
“I’m going to miss it.”
I slid two fingers in until you told me to stop and turned over. I asked to blow you and you rejected my offer.
So we just lied there - naked in each others arms. 
“Don’t ever fucking tell me like I’m Olaf ever again, cause you and Olaf would never get as far as you and I just did. Also, you’re able to get hard - so what the fuck Jimmy?”
“I haven’t cum in 4 days and I’m always horny in the morning.” You replied.
‘Why are you fighting so damn hard against me? Why are you pushing me away?”
It got quiet.
“I believe you when you say you love me. Your love is so selfless.” you muttered.
“I won’t stop loving you. But I know you need to figure out how you love. So fall in love, and figure that out. And when you’re ready to be loved by me, I’ll be back for you. I’ll give you everything I promised - the fancy measuring cups, the guesthouse for your mom to live with us, and our two kids making fun of our outfits.”
You began to cry. I could see your pillow damp with tears.
“Don’t cry.”
“I’m just thinking about how much love I could give to a child.”
“One day we’ll know together.” I kissed you and we got up. I was running late for brunch.
By the time I came back I had packed up and was ready to leave. You gave me a hug goodbye.
“This isn’t goodbye” I said. “I’ll see you again. I know I will. Unpack some baggage and I’ll be back for you.”
You nodded and kissed me.
“Be good to your mom, she loves you.” you said.
"I will, because one day she’ll be yours too.” I replied.
You pulled me in tightly. I begged for one last kiss - you were reluctant but gave in.
--
I came back to New York. My feelings were all over the place. I was broken, but I realized it was not me. You’re so complicated. You’ve got tons of baggage. I know we just scratched the surface, but this is a journey you have to take yourself. I can only hope you grow out of this, or you learn to love yourself. I know your parents are difficult. I know your trauma.
If we accept the love we think we deserve, I hope you know that you deserve love. And if I should be so lucky, to provide that for you one day.
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thepiecesofcait · 3 years
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Hello! just wanted to say, I got my link to the PDF of your Miserable Month and it looks fantastic! I'm so glad I got the preorder, there are definitely illos I missed and they are all so wonderful! Thanks for making them available this way!
Hello!
Thank you! I have been hoarding this ask for weeks because it brings me such joy to read - this little zine project has consumed so much of my life these past few months, and there’s definitely been moments I’ve wanted to walk away from it completely, BUT! I DIDN’T! And I am so so so proud of how everything has turned out!
Also - as of today all of the preorders are officially on their way! (Technically they have been for a fortnight, but I called in some help with posting to take the edge off of shipping rates between Australia and the US, and that leg of the shipping took a hot minute)
Everyone that ordered a copy should have received an email through Etsy with their tracking number by now, and they should be arriving within the next week or so! I am so excited for people to finally be getting their copies, and I am so so thankful for everyone that supported this project!
Once all the zines arrive at their new homes I’ll be listing my leftover copies on my Etsy store, so if anyone wanted one but missed out on the preorder window keep an eye out for that :)
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jsehrhardt-blog · 7 years
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Unsure.
1.12.2017
This is the first time I am writing in a long time, and it is part of my new year’s resolution to get back on tract and keep updating my blog. This post is going to be a long one, for the fact that so much has happened in the past 2 months. It is an explanation and a reflection on some tough experiences. I figured that it will be best if I just go in chronological order starting from November 1st to now.
End of October/Beginning of November
It was a transition month with some difficult news to bear. My cohort had just ended our IST:  in – service training, which marks our first three months of service. After finishing the week-long workshop, most of us were feeling motivated, and ready to go back to site and get to work. A good number of individuals in my cohort decided to come and visit Jinja for Halloween and to spend some time together before traveling back to our various sites all over the country. It was a great weekend, filled with fun and family. As we were wrapping up the two days of fun, our cohort received terrible news. I had gone with my friend Jerusalem down the street to the bank, and when we returned to the restaurant that we were all hanging out, Ryan immediately got our attention to tell us the news. He had told us that he received a phone call from our country director stating that Diane Veiller, a member of our cohort had died from post-operation complications in South Africa. Diane had been at our training the week before for one day. I had had dinner with her, and two of members of my cohort, Kelly and Alex. We spent the night chatting away, catching up, talking about our sites and things we were doing. Diane had talked about her excitement for her son to come visit her during the holidays and how happy she was to see him in such a short time. It was a pleasant evening, which ended when all of us were exhausted and wanted to go to bed at 8:30 because we are grandmas. The next day, we found out that Diane had left and gone to the hospital for having extreme pain, which turned out to be gallstones. None of us thought anything about it until we heard that she was being flown to South Africa. Still the week continued. When we heard the news of her death, it came as a complete shock. A million things were running through my mind, and I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that something in out cohort had died. How, why, was there a complication? Did she have previous health issues? What is peace corps not telling us? Since different groups of people were still in town, we all got together and decided to spent the rest of the day with each other. The mood was somber, and none of really knew what to say. It was a weird feeling. None of us, other than Jordan, were particularly close to Diane. But she was a member in our cohort and she was family. None of us expected this and reality struck quickly. It hit us, the same conclusion: “This could have been any of us”. Death is a complicated experience, which unleashes unexplainable emotions. This death, Diane’s death, was just this. As the days passed by, and everyone lingered back to their sites, I couldn’t help but feel unbalanced. Lonely, nervous, uneased, anxious, sad, and confused about what had happened. These feelings in response to Diane’s death transferred to my feelings towards my work in Uganda. I began to question whether it was worth it to be here. In the general sense, yes; I made this commitment to serve 27 months, under conditions of hardship, but on the other hand, was the commitment worth it? You get a lot of alone time in peace corps, which seems nice at first, but it gives you a lot of time to think. It gives you time to get in your head, to question every decision you make, and drags your thoughts to the best and worst places. The time moved to Mid – November, and I continued to experience a lot of self- doubt and confusion. I loved the people I had met, and generally like where I lived, but I had no idea what I was doing, no plans for projects, and was experiencing a mental block at work. The only push or motivation I had was the upcoming travel plans for a month which lead up to my trip home for the holidays. I decided to push my emotions aside, and enjoy the time I had ahead.
November 22
Thanksgiving was the first of the travels. I made my way far east, to Mbale to spent the holiday with a close group of mine. This break was a well needed one. It was filled with a relaxing pool day, real conversations, fresh homemade food, movie marathons, and most importantly – friends, love, and laughter. It was a time that lifted my spirits and included conversations with motivators that reminded me of why I love to be in Uganda. The time went quick, as fun always does, but there was no fret, because I was on to the next travel. November 28 – 30 This travel was not one for the exciting memories, since it entailed a tripped up to Gulu for Diane’s Memorial. It started in high spirits – it was the first time a majority of our cohort had been together after learning of Diane’s passing, and everyone was excited and happy to see each other. We headed up to Gulu on two buses. When arriving six hours later, we were ready to explore, but still had no idea of the schedule or plan for this memorial. We spent the afternoon/nights like we always do, catching up, eating, having a beer, cocktail, or glass of wine, cigarettes for some. The night ended with individuals splitting into smaller groups, some packing in early, and others spending time alone. The next day we left the guest house at 8:00 AM. In typical fashion, the ceremony started late, which wasn’t bad, but the real disappointment came with the outcome of the memorial. This memorial was not for Diane and did not reflect or focus on her life. The planning on the behalf of the administration created a product that left many of us volunteers frustrated and disappointed. Diane was called Diana, and there was an extremely long catholic mass that excluded many cohort members since they did not practice this religion. There were many speeches from local government and police that had nothing to do with Diane or her memory, and lastly, the memorial shared remembrance for two random Ugandans that had no relation to Diane. The outcome of the memorial was blamed on Ugandan Culture. Yes, it had a cultural influence, but it was the responsibility of the Peace Corps Administration to plan this memorial and to meet the expectations of the cohort in mourning. Things happen, but it was unfortunate that this event left many volunteers in our cohort with complex emotional responses and frustration. However, to shed some positive light, there were some good parts of the memorial. Diane’s counterpart had a very nice speech in her honor, which showed deep care and appreciation for her work. Her host family sister and mother spoke, also sharing positive memories of Diane. And a member of our cohort, Judith Fleming, brought us together, as she gave a simple, yet powerful speech honoring Diane and reminding us of our service and its importance. It was small, yet very important to us. I left Gulu with many weird feelings, but knew that there was no need to dreed on things because you can’t change the past.
December 1
Back in Kampala, a group of us who were there for medical got the opportunity to help Amie make her partner, Gerod, birthday special! We ended up going to drinks during happy hour, then having dinner and an amazing Indian Restaurant, Khana Khanzana. I remember sitting at this table and thinking about how appreciative I was to have interacted with and met these individuals. All of us different, yet having this one common ambition to serve in the Peace Corps. It was a moment like this, that let me know that I made this right decision in coming to Uganda. The night was imperfectly perfect, and I left the next day to Jinja filled with happiness and joy for members of my cohort. Three short days later, I was back in Kampala partaking in an event put on by members of the Diversity Committee: Mary, Vaschille, and Anita called ‘The Natural Hair Retreat’. When I had first asked three months early to partake in this event, I had no idea what lied ahead. The retreat was an eye-opening experience. It was refreshing, innovative, and inspirational. The women who attended had such open minds and hearts, and we walked away with much more than what we came for. These women spoke of self-empowerment, gender disparity, equality, and want for change. We finished with self-reflection and goals to move forward, with specific focus on loving your hair, and more importantly, yourself. After the retreat, I spent an additional day in Kampala being treated for a parasite called Schistosomiasis. The meds made me really sick, but at least I got rid of the parasite. My parents weren’t too happy to hear about this one. I then traveled up to Gulu for the Weekend to spend some time with some close friends up there. It was short and sweet, but I was so happy that I got to spend time with Lauren, Sydney, Kelly, Emilia, Angie, and Sam.
December 11.
In coming back from Gulu, I had one week before my departure to the States to spend the holidays with my family. I was excited to spend six days by myself since I had traveled none stop since thanksgiving. That Sunday Night, I laid in bed, watching Modern Family until I feel asleep. Monday morning, I woke up, with no plans but to complete laundry and chores for the day. Around 11:00AM, I got a call from one of my closest friends in PC, Conor. I thought it was calling to update me on his status of site change, but the news was completely different. Conor was quiet, no flare in his voice as usually. He just spat out the news: “I’m being med sepped”. In complete shock and surprised, I asked him to repeat himself. I could not believe what I was hearing. The rest of the conversation was a blur, I believe from shock, but it probably included questions of why, how, when completed by “this is so unfair”. To explain, ‘med sepped’ is short for medical separation. This is when Peace Corps Administration decides to separate you, or terminate your service due to a medical reason. For privacy, I will not share Conor’s reasoning for medical separation, but I will say that the process and reasoning was not justified. Peace Corps loss an incredible volunteer who wanted to stay. This situation for me is very hard. I haven’t taken the time to cope with this decision, but all I can say for now, is that it is very difficult being in this country without one of my biggest supporters and friends. To keep short: Conor, you truly are an incredibly thoughtful, passionate, caring, and devoted individual, and PC UGA will truly miss you. Love you so much and thank you for embracing me for who I am and standing by my side. I wish you the best of luck in finding your next passion, I know you’ll do great because you were made for greatness.
On December 15, 2016, I said goodbye to a best friend that day, not knowing the next time I would see him. My heart felt very heavy, and my head with confusion and very little optimism. I went back to my site in Bukaaya, where I spent the night packing up my things and getting ready to travel back to the States. All I could think is that this trip home couldn’t have come at a better time. I felt lonely, and I needed to be with my family. That Saturday, I left with a fellow PCV, Greg, to make our travel to the airport. After almost 4 hours of travel, we arrive in Entebbe, treated ourselves to Café Javas because, well, we deserved it. We enjoyed our last meal in Uganda for the next two weeks, and moved over to the airport. Greg’s flight was sooner than mine, so I was forced to stay outside the airport until 2 hours before my departure. In sitting alone, I couldn’t even begin to wrap my mind around anything thoughts. What had even happened in the past 4 weeks? As I eagerly waited for my flight, I saw a peace corps car roll up to the airport. I didn’t recognize the individual getting out, but shortly introduced myself as we both sat and waited for our flights. AJ was such a bright, fun, individual to be around; and even if I only got to meet her briefly, I’m glad it happened. On my flight home, all I felt was relief. It was time to go home, to a place of comfort and sanity, and I was very ready for this.
To conclude this post, I would like to end with my simple thoughts of this journey so far. I write this to explain a completely unexpected experience in the Peace Corps, but one that is mine. Peace Corps does its best to explain what you will endure during your service, but leaves a very crucial and important truth aside– That honestly, you have no idea what you will be getting yourself into 90 percent of the time. As soon as you step off that plane in the developing nation you will be serving in, you have no idea what to expect. Each day, each hour, each minute can have a lasting impact and change your perspective. There is nothing that can prepare you for this experience, and every moment that you have effects the person who you develop into. I wish that was the advice that they focused on, but I guess that it is always more meaningful when you discover things yourself. The matter of the fact is: Peace Corps is the most difficult job you will ever love. I am still trying to wrap my head around the “love” part, but I for sure know it’s the most difficult job I’ve experienced. I look to 2017 as a fresh start. I know I have a long way ahead of me, but I know this experience will make me a stronger individual. Here is the sum of my service from November – December. It was a difficult time period, but hey, it wouldn’t be life if we didn’t have challenges. Thanks you for reading this, and keep tuning in. One of my goals for 2017 is to write more, and continue to share my experience here in Uganda with friends and family at home.
Best, Jessie.
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closethead9-blog · 5 years
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4 Embarrassing Money Mistakes I Made This Year (& How I’m Avoiding Making Them Again In 2019)
In the immortal words of Hannah Montana,“Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.” So the next time you catch yourself harping on about all of the money mistakes you’ve made this year, remember: it’s totally fine and normal if you’ve have your fair share of slip-ups, so long as you use them as teaching moments.
Personally, this year, I’ves screwed up a number of times. Some of my blunders have been more serious than others, but thankfully none were life-destroying. Like most people, I’m still figuring out how to use my income wisely and budget in a way that aligns with my future goals. I’m also learning what my triggers are that lead me to impulsively spend on things with have no real purpose in my life, so that I can save more. And with the new year just around the corner, I’m taking time to reflect on four of my biggest embarrassing money mistakes I’ve made this year, what I’ve learned from each of them, and how I’m planning on improving my relationship to my finances so as not to repeat the same mistakes in 2019.
1. Not budgeting properly for gifts for special occasions
I only typically buy gifts for my immediate family members (mom, grandma, and step-grandfather) for birthdays and Christmas every year. Since all of their birthdays happen during the latter half of the year, I don’t bother to budget for their presents or a restaurant date with them until June or July — sometimes even waiting until August for my mother’s birthday in September. Well, that strategy turned out to be the worst thing I could do. This year, when it came time for my mother’s special day, I was running low on funds. I ended up having to pay for my mom’s birthday dinner on my credit card (not ideal), because there was no option for staying at home. Going out for a nice meal is a tradition for us. While using my credit was a great quick fix, I did end up paying a little interest on her present because of poor planning. I refuse to let that happen again, so starting in January, I’ll be putting aside $30 – $40 a month for birthdays and the holidays so that when they roll around, I’ll be financially ready to treat my loved ones without guilt or worry.
2. Taking out everything in my bank account without accounting for automatic payments
Earlier this year (April? May?), I decided I need to stop buying takeout food so damn much. I went on an all-cash diet. In order to complete what seemed like an impossible mission to me at the time (I was addicted to Seamless, okay?), I made a rule that I would take out all of the money in my bank account and divvy it up into different spending categories. Whatever I set aside for food was all I was allowed to spend on food. Before taking out the cash, I made sure to pay for my cell phone bill so I wouldn’t have to worry about overdrafting by mistake. Well, joke’s on me, because it still happened, thanks to my lack of foresight.
Not even a couple of days into this all-cash diet I created for myself, both the money for my Netflix subscription (which I’d forgotten about) and dues for the digital freelance group I’m in (ditto) came out of my account on the same afternoon. Yikes! Once I got the notification from Chase notifying me that I was now in the red, I thought, I’ll just put money into my account tomorrow money. I should be fine. Reader, I wasn’t fine. The next day, good ol’ Chase slapped me with $34 overdraft fee, which I could have avoided if I had just gone to the ATM as soon I saw the negative balance, as Chase doesn’t penalize you if you get yourself back in the green the same day you’ve overdrafted. Lesson learned: always leave some cash in your bank account as a buffer, and if you overdraft by mistake, deposit money to get it back to a positive balance as soon as you can.  
3. Paying late fees on my credit card because of laziness
Do you ever have those moments where you know your credit card bill is due soon, like in the next couple of days, but you forget about it until it’s been sitting unpaid for days or weeks on end? No? Just me? Okay. Well, I’ve done that twice this year, and honestly, the late fees I ended up paying because of my sheer laziness were completely avoidable. So as to avoid paying unnecessary late credit card fees for as long as I have a line of credit open, I’ll be setting reminders on my Gcal and writing down the due date for my credit card in my planner. That way, I’m always hyper-aware of when it needs to be paid. When I get to a position to do so, I’ll be setting up automatic payments so I don’t have to worry about doing that manually. Lastly, I’m going to try and keep my usage of my credit card to a minimum so there won’t be a bill to worry about in the first place, since nothing will have been charged to it that I need to pay off.
4. Completely abandoning my side hustle
Okay, this point isn’t technically embarrassing, but it could’ve save me from aforementioned embarrassments if I had only done it, and that’s my tried-and-true side hustles — mystery shopping and focus groups. I didn’t stop doing them because they stopped being lucrative or good avenues for extra income, but rather, again, out of sheer laziness. And honestly, I’m so disappointed, because I could have used the money!
Similarly to how I go into mystery shopping, which I’ve written about before for TFD, I’ve worked with a handful of marketing agencies in the past who have put me in a host of focus groups whenever I fit the demographic for market research they were doing for companies. Each time I’d participate in a focus group, I’d easily get $100 – $200 for an hour to two hours of my time. Talk about really easy money. Well, apparently not easy enough, as I gave up on doing them, and the agencies stopped calling me once I showed disinterest.
Next year, I’ll be registering with some new marketing agencies who run focus groups so I can start earning from them again. They’re so easy and don’t require much from participants other than their opinions on products. Same goes for mystery shopping. I’m going to take at least one weekend every month to do a bunch of mystery shops and stop making excuses about why I can’t take on a side hustle in addition to my main gigs as a freelance writer. If I’m going to be a true hustler, I can’t continue leaving money on the table!
*****
For as long as I’m alive, I’ll keep on making silly mistakes. But that’s just part of being human, isn’t it? All I can hope for is that I’ll be able to bounce back from each and every one — and better myself as a result.
Shammara is a featured columnist at The Financial Diet. When she’s not writing about her financial woes, you can find her on Twitter sharing her thoughts on beauty and fashion trends and pop culture.
Image via Unsplash
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Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/4-embarrassing-money-mistakes-i-made-this-year-how-im-avoiding-making-them-again-in-2019/
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jenmedsbookreviews · 7 years
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  Man. Where to even begin this week. Well. I will start by saying my reading achievements were next to none. Not quite none. But near enough. Work has been very demanding, I have been very tired and my heart just was not in it. No reflection on the books, more a reflection on my weary and rapidly ageing bones and brain telling me to take a break. In fact I am writing this post in stages as I know where my head is currently at so it if makes no sense come the end … well nowt new there really but this time there is an excuse at least 🙂
So, anyway. Aside from being generally ancient (turned 42 this past week don’t you know) I was preoccupied with something else. Lordy 42. Do you remember being a kid and thinking that people in their forties were ancient? Well I’ll let you into a secret – when you finally reach your forties you bloody feel it too. Just kidding. Age is just a number. Like my chest, mine is just larger than some, that’s all. But back to my point (wandering mind comes with age too…) I was away from home from Thursday until Sunday this week because I took the plunge, packed my backbone in a small holdall and made my way to Harrogate for the Theakstons Old Peculier Crime Festival.
It’s an interesting festival, very different in tone to Crimefest, geared very much to a social atmosphere but encouraging and enticing readers with a healthy and steady supply of books. I say healthy with my tongue in my cheek (not easy to do without biting said tongue – don’t believe me try it), as carrying around the dang things all day has knackered my shoulder but hey ho. 
As book hauls go, this week was mega. It was also rather big in terms of meeting people. I met a whole host of bloggers this weekend who I’m not going to try and name for fear of missing someone and causing great upset, but it was a pleasure to meet you all either finally or again (and you super lovely ones already know who you are 😉 ). I also met quite a few authors that I admire, including Robert Byrndza and the lovely Jan, Caroline Mitchell and Mel Sherratt, Graham Smith, Sarah Wray, Claire Seeber and also got to meet Keshini Naidoo (yes – a small Bookouture bias in this post I think).
It was also lovely to catch up with Kim Nash, Karen Sullivan, Steph Broadribb, Amanda Jennings, Lucy V Hay, Amer Anwar, Felicia Yap, Patricia Gibney, Bernie Steadman and Fiona Cummins again, and to get to say hi to Paul Burston as I absolutely loved his book The Black Path. I even remembered to take pictures of some of them (but not many as I suck at that). Oh yes, and it was nice to see Rod Reynolds again even if he did show Jo and Emma the terrible selfie he took at Crimefest (terrible because I was in it). And lovely to finally meet Graeme Cumming and have a catch up chat with Gabriela Harding in the quiet times. I’m just hoping I haven’t missed anyone and if I have I’m sorry and I do love you too. (Well at least like and admire – love is such a strong word 😉 ).
Have to give credit to Abbie Osborne for the selfies as I would totally not take those 😀
As well as generally milling about I did attend a couple of panels, though not as many as I perhaps would have liked so I’ll try better next time. The Friday night panel chaired by Sarah Millican and featuring Lee Child, Mark Billingham and Val McDermid was hilarious as you would expect. And I totally agree with Sarah Hilary’s shout out for Chris Whitaker as a totally brilliant writing talent. I also went to a blogger/author event organised by Orion where we met Mari Hannah, Emma Kavanagh, Stephanie Marland (aka Steph Broadribb, aka Crime Thriller Girl) and Lara Dearman, a forensics talk in which I learned many important things to include in ‘Killer’, and a quick start talk on writing crime fiction with Isabel Ashdown and Sam Eades.
And I had two lovely evenings out, firstly with Abigail Osborne, Leah and Jill of Jills Book Cafe, and then with Tracy Fenton and the guy and gals from TBC. Thanks for the company all.
And then there were the books… So. Many. Books.
I got the following:
The Devils Claw by Lara Dearman (Kindle pre order 7/9/17);
My Little Eye by Stephanie Marland (Kindle pre order 2/11/17) Happy dance moment :D;
The Wrong Child by Barry Gornell (Kindle pre order 2/11/17);
The Lost by Mari Hannah (Kindle preorder 2/3/18);
Murder at the Mill by M.B. Shaw (Kindle pre order 30/11/17);
Shadow Man by Margaret Kirk (Kindle pre order 2/11/17);
Beautiful Liars by Isabel Ashdown (Kindle pre order 19/4/18);
I Found You by Lisa Jewell;
The Seagull by Ann Cleeves (Kindle pre order 7/9/17) – The only book I actually purchased all weekend.
The Snowman by Jo Nesbo;
If I Die Before I Wake by Emily Koch (Kindle pre order 11/1/18);
Give Me The Child by Mel McGrath;
Eyes Like Mine by Sheena Kamal;
The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell (Kindle pre order 5/10/17);
My Absolute Darling by Gabriel Tallent (Kindle pre order 29/8/17);
The Mountain by Luca D’Andrea;
The Mitford Murders by Jessica Fellowes (Kindle pre order 14/9/17);
The Collector by Fiona Cummins; (soooooooooooo excited about this one and so new there are no Amazon links yet!!! :D) If you don’t know why I’m excited and haven’t yet read Rattle (and if not why not?) then you can order it here and get yourself ready for next year. Did I mention I love that book? I do. I was so excited I may have actually started reading this in bed instead of the books I should have been reading. Oops. (Sorry – not sorry). All the eeeeeeeeeks and squeeeeeeeeals.
The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn (pre order January 2018);
Consent by Leo Benedictus (pre order 1/2/18);
Perfect Remains by Helen Fields;
Anatomy of a Scandal by Sarah Vaughn (Kindle pre order 11/1/18);
Strange Magic by Syd Moore
So all in all a great book haul of a weekend. And I visited Betty’s and treated myself to a belated birthday cake. Go me.
Now the weekend wasn’t without it’s down moments too but least said, soonest mended so lets move on.
Now as if all that wasn’t brilliant enough, before I left for Harrogate I received some absolutely stonkingly fantabulous book post from the wonderful Louise Ross (LJ Ross). Now I knew I’d be getting the signed book as I won it in a charity auction, as well as the chance to be a named character. But I wasn’t expecting to receive a DCI Ryan series mug as well. I actually collect mugs as well as books so this couldn’t have been a better gift for me and will take pride of place in the collection.
And, totally not book related but my new cushions and mugs turned up. How fab are these?
The McMoos by Jennifer Hogwood – You totally need to check out the website.
Just the one book order this week (just as well) which was Bad Sister by Sam Carrington. It’s due out on 5th October and I can’t wait to get my mitts on a copy.
Just the one Netgalley this week too (just as well) which was The Good Sister by Jess Ryder. It’s due for release on 16th August.
I see a theme here. Kind of reminiscent of my life. I have one of each. I’ll let them fight over which is which 😉
I also received an ARC of I Know A Secret by Tess Gerritsen, the brand new Rizzoli and Isles novel which is due out on 10th August.
Now I am hoping that all of these exciting things I’ve been rambling about above will distract you from my reading tally which stands at the grand total of 2. Lorraine at The Book Review Cafe will be laughing at me this week given her mammoth reading achievements and rightly so. If only I’d saved the bloody Mr Men books… When I say reading tally it was one read, one listen as I only completed one book and then listened to an audio on the way too and from Harrogate. Failed blogger I am then (this is not news but now we have evidence).
Books I have read
Red Is The Colour by Mark L. Fowler
A GRIPPING NEW POLICE THRILLER Bullying. Corruption. Murder.
It is the summer of 2002. The corpse of a 15 year old boy, who has been missing for thirty years, is discovered in Stoke-on-Trent. The city is on the cusp of change and Chief Superintendent Berkins wants the case solved quickly. 
DCI Jim Tyler has arrived from London under a cloud, moving to Staffordshire to escape his past. He is teamed up with DS Danny Mills to investigate the case, but there is tension between the detectives.
When the dead boy’s sister comes forward, describing a bright, solitary child, she points a finger at the school bullies, which puts important careers at stake.
Then one of the bullies is found brutally murdered and when Tyler and Mills dig deeper they start to suspect a cover-up.
What is the connection between the death of a schoolboy in 1972 and this latest killing? 
With the pressure building, and the past catching up with DCI Tyler, will he and DS Mills be able to put aside their differences in order to catch a cold-blooded killer?
I’m reviewing this for the blog tour next Monday but I have to be honest and say that this was a really well observed look at childhood bullying an the people who were involved, both directly and indirectly. With a thirty year old victim it is a tough ask for newly transferred DCI Jim Tyler to bring the killer to justice in this new police procedural from Mark L. Fowler and Bloodhound Books. It is released tomorrow, 25th July, and you can buy a copy here.
  You Don’t Know Me by Imran Mahmood
It’s easy to judge between right and wrong – isn’t it?
Not until you hear a convincing truth.
Now it’s up to you to decide…
An unnamed defendant stands accused of murder. Just before the Closing Speeches, the young man sacks his lawyer, and decides to give his own defence speech.
He tells us that his barrister told him to leave some things out. Sometimes, the truth can be too difficult to explain, or believe. But he thinks that if he’s going to go down for life, he might as well go down telling the truth.
There are eight pieces of evidence against him. As he talks us through them one by one, his life is in our hands. We, the reader – member of the jury – must keep an open mind till we hear the end of his story. His defence raises many questions… but at the end of the speeches, only one matters:
Did he do it?
Oh my life. What an intriguing novel. Taking courtroom drama to brand new heights this is a story which will not only challenge your idea of right and wrong but also the whole idea of how courtroom dramas should be. Set as a series of court transcripts and told in the defendants voice the author takes you on a journey and you as reader are set to act as jury. I listened to the Audio book of this and I have to say it was absolutely perfect in this format. My review will follow but you can order a copy of the book here.
That is all. Thankfully I was fully prepared on the blogging front so I had posts everyday.
#BlogTour Guest Post: Dying Art by Malcolm Hollingdrake
#Booklove: Katherine Sunderland
#BlogTour Review: The Other Twin by Lucy V Hay
Review: Blind Justice by M.A. Comley
#BlogTour Review: Her Deadly Secret by Chris Curran
#BookLove: Jane Cable
#GuestReview: Another You by Jane Cable
The week ahead is a bit of a mixture. I start with a review, then some #Booklove with Helena Fairfax, followed by blog tours for The Marriage Pact by Michelle Richmond, and then The Unquiet Dead by Ausma Zehanat Khan with a very special Author Q&A in between, rounding out the week with more #Booklove with Jack Steele and another blog tour, this time The Lost Wife by Anna Mansell.
Hope you have a brilliant week all. I’m reading all day today before going back to work and some more training tomorrow. Boo hiss to that one but someone has to do it. Going to Chester Zoo on Saturday so think of all the animal/nature pics I can share with you next week. You can’t wait can you? Hope they still have the Pudu’s and the Kimodo Dragon. I love them!!!
See you next Monday.
JL
P.S. since penning this post Sunday evening I have been online and preordered three books from Goldsboro (it’s now Sunday bedtime). We’ll just ignore those, pretend I ordered them after midnight and I’ll fill you all in next week 😂
Rewind, recap: weekly update w/e 23/07/17 Man. Where to even begin this week. Well. I will start by saying my reading achievements were next to none.
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teachercast · 7 years
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Question: What does Cardboard, Scotch Tape, Copper Wire and a Spreadsheet have in common?
Answer: When put together, they turn an ordinary afternoon into an exciting and engaging experience for a dad and his two boys.
This weekend, I had the opportunity to spend some quality with my two sons and share something very special with them. During the month of May, Microsoft retail stores across the country have been celebrating STEM education every Saturday by providing hands-on learning experiences that allow students, parents, and teachers to learn a little bit about Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math.
During these 30-minute workshops, participants learn about how to take ordinary materials and with a little bit of Microsoft Magic create a Flex Sensor that lets them control a robotic finger with their own finger.
Teaching The Next Generation About Technology
On May 2, I had the opportunity to attend and participate in the Microsoft Education Keynote where these special events were first introduced.  That night, a group of Microsoft Innovative Educators met with educational leaders from the Microsoft Education team at their flagship store in Manhattan to attempt to assemble these flex sensors.  It was quite a fun evening and I set a goal to bring my little guys out to try this with them. We attended a session in New Jersey at the Paramus Mall store which my boys found to be quite the playground.
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Robert on the Computer
Chris Looking at Windows Laptop
Chris and Robert at the Desk
Robert on the Laptop
Robert Typing on the Laptop
Creating a STEM Lab Out Of A Retail Space
As we started the session, the Microsoft employ running the class, named Carlos was VERY knowledgeable about the demonstration and subject area.  Our session was attended by a few upper elementary and middle school students and their parents.  He first asked everyone if they knew what STEM meant and went into the details about how we were going to be creating our flex sensors.
Because I was trying to not only create my flex sensor in a hurry and work around two very hungry and impatient three-year-olds who were hyper from birthday cake, I moved ahead and Carlos was very quick to continue working with the group while taking the time to help me and my children.
The demonstration was held just inside the store, in front of their large glass windows where I noticed that several people who were walking the mall had stopped to see what was happening inside the store.
After I finished putting together the flex sensor (with only a few redo’s), I wrapped the cardboard around my son’s tiny fingers and watched their eyes light up when the sensor attached to the Surface Pro started to move.  It was a very exciting experience for them.
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STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
STEM Saturdays at Microsoft
Talking to Mice As If They Were ….. WHAT???
After our 45 minute adventure, I continued to give the kids the tour of the big store.  I was so impressed with how amazing Carlos was not only with the demonstration but with the way he treated and helped the guy with two babies, that I approached the two on duty managers and shared my experiences.  Little did I know that during this time, Robert and Christopher decided to play whisper down the lane with the Surface Arc Mouses.
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Thank You For The Teachable Moment!
I am very grateful for the experience this week with my boys.  It’s amazing for any parent to watch their child grow up and experience new things and when you have Triplets, it’s always difficult to sit back and think that all of the precious moments for each of your kids is happening all at the same time.  Today was simply a wonderful experience for Christopher, Robert, and myself and I want to send a big Thank You to everyone at the Microsoft Store in Paramus, NJ.
For More Information About STEM Saturdays
STEM Saturday Homepage
Flex Sensor Lesson Plan
Building Materials for the Flex Sensor Project
Are You A Microsoft Innovative Educator?
Check out the first 10 episodes of the Microsoft Innovative Educator Podcast Today
Subscribe Today!
Website: http://www.TeacherCast.net/MIESpotlight
iTunes: http://www.TeacherCast.net/MIEAudio
YouTube: http://www.TeacherCast.net/MIEVideo
Contact the Show
Host: Jeff Bradbury @TeacherCast
Voice Mail: http://www.TeacherCast.net/voicemail
Have You Experienced STEM Saturdays at the @MicrosoftEDU Stores? Question: What does Cardboard, Scotch Tape, Copper Wire and a Spreadsheet have in common? Answer: When put together, they turn an ordinary afternoon into an exciting and engaging experience for a dad and his two boys.
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