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shadowfae · 3 years

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Harmony, Chaos, RuneScape and Quoilunetary Nonhumanity

[Crossposted to National Nonhuman Park, and requested by @dzamie.]

I forgot to do this for like three days, but. I wanted to do a post on understanding past experiences and the differing perspectives people can have on the same experiences and how that can lead to radically different understandings and why there will never be a clear-cut border between alterhuman terminology, and I think I finally found a way to articulate that point. Commentary and responses welcome.

The very simplest way of explaining this concept is the following sentence: "I never said that I owed her money." Seems a simple statement, yeah? Place emphasis on one word, read it again, and then place emphasis on a different word and read it. "I never said that I owed her money," implies a flat-out denial of the concept. However, "I never said that I owed her money," is a clear 'I implied it but never said it, and you can't hold me to that'. And emphasis on other words brings the exact meaning of those emphasized words into question, and so forth.

But while that concept is universal, it's difficult to see as it stands how that applies to alterhuman experiences. So we're going to delve into the source of one of my current linktypes, RuneScape, and we're going to explain things the way a warpriest does, using the setting's available godly philosophies to explain a past experience.

The two we'll be looking at today are Serenist and Zamorakian philosophies, particularly the Elven questline, and we're choosing this because Seren's ingame dialogue includes her explaining why Zamorakianism doesn't fit the questline. I, however, say it does, so let's compare and contrast how they both fit, and why they're both valid, and why if you're determined enough you can be absolutely convinced that the other's an idiot.

Seren is the crystal goddess of light; associated heavily with integrity, harmony, prudence, wisdom, and tranquility. Simply put, she is a pacifist who believes that if two parties can meet in the middle and find harmony, the best possible result can be achieved.

This is contrasted heavily with Zamorakian philosophy. Zamorak is known best as the god of chaos, although his philosophy heavily centres strength through personal strife. He believes that almost all obstacles and challenges in life can be beaten if one just never gives up, and that through surviving those obstacles, one is made a better person. He also believes that order brings stagnation: with no reason or need to do something different, people will do what they have always done, thus, chaos is necessary for improvement and achievement.

When Seren left the elves, her main followers, scrambled to put together a leadership that might replace her. Modelling the humans, they chose a monarchy, which was undercut in short order by Clan Iorwerth. (Iorwerth is one of the two military elven clans.) Iorwerth, following a dark power, overthrew the monarchy and shut down the elven kingdom entirely, forcing every elf that wasn't trapped to flee or swear allegiance to them. They were later overthrown by the remains of the other seven clans and the player character, the kingdom was restored as a republic, and eventually Seren came back.

When asked about Zamorak's philosophy, Seren references this: ["Order only brings stagnation."] "Perhaps, but there is also imagination and community. When sharing with others, we can learn to see the world differently. Look at all my elves accomplished. It was undone for a time because of chaos. It was harmony that restored them." [Post- The Light Within dialogue.]

Note the emphasis on harmony, and how she looks down upon this. However, she does agree that the elves are stronger without her, evidenced by her refusal to lead them again after her return: "I will not leave you, not again, but I will not lead you. Let me, here and now, recognise this council as the true leadership of the elven people." [The Light Within quest dialogue.]

Zamorak ingame has never spoken about this event, it's on the other side of the continent and he doesn't much care about what Seren does so long as she stays away from him. However, speaking as my linktype, a son of Zamorak, and a warpriest of Zamorakian philosophy and religion, I feel qualified to explain what his philosophy does say about this event, and how it differs.

Zamorakian philosophy places emphasis on the chaos, and how through it, one becomes stronger. Seren says that she recognizes the clan council of the elven republic to be its true leadership. This council did not exist until after she left and left her followers to deal with the aftermath. Even so, their first attempt at fixing the situation was to create a monarchy, which was overthrown almost immediately.

Arguably, their first attempt via wisdom and harmony – modelling their new government after a human form of government that evidently worked, and by choosing their monarchs to represent them best – failed miserably. However, Iorwerth's assault forced the remaining elves to think of another solution that there was no historic precedence for. The clan leaders chose to go into hiding until someone else had overthrown Iorwerth, which didn't happen until the player character did so, over two thousand years later. Those elves who did not go fully into hiding instead created a resistance, aiming first to stop Clan Iorwerth from obtaining death magic that would have cemented its rule perhaps permanently, and then by taking it down once it was properly destabilized.

Their second attempt at a form of government, truly equal across all eight clans, is evidently better than their first attempt: it withstood the next upheaval of Seren's return and refusal to govern them again, and she gave the council her blessing. The solution they found through harmony and tranquility failed. The solution they found through chaos succeeded.

Seren places her emphasis on the fact that through the Iorwerth domination, the remaining elves worked together to find a solution. Zamorakian philosophy states that they never would have found that solution or learned to work together had their lives not been thrown into utter chaos.

Seren focuses on the harmony that is the method of survival, Zamorak focuses on the chaos that caused invention of an improved method of survival. Seren disavows chaos, disregarding that it is anything but an obstacle that needs to be overcome, refusing to see it as something worth seeking out. Zamorak disavows order, arguably incredibly similar to the Serenist ideal of harmony, and states that it only brings stagnation and is incredibly fragile and meaningless. Through this, the two philosophies are radically opposed, both disavowing what the other praises.

Compare this scenario to one more personal and recognizable to those who may read this: any scenario in which someone is put to their limits, any scenario potentially traumatizing. Serenist philosophy asks for integrity, that one stays true to oneself throughout it all, and harmony, to seek a peaceful solution. This is easily taken down by any situation in which one needs to change in order to survive, however, it also is best represented by the growth of the aftermath when it is time to rebuild. Zamorakian philosophy asks for strength, to find a way through no matter the cost, and celebration of strife, to recognize that there is a point to the pain. This is easily taken down by any sort of emotional trauma that leaves scars, however, it also is best represented by the ability to take any punches thrown and to recognize the good of recovery and what that means for the future.

Thus, in a situation of aftermath, both celebrate the growth and the strength necessary to survive, and meet up perfectly in the middle in any situation in which one is honest with themself, survives the ordeal, and recognizes that they are better than they were before.

Radically opposed, and when you tilt your head and squint, they lead to the same conclusion of a better tomorrow than yesterday was.

As my last point, the question of 'and what exactly does this have to do with gray areas of the alterhuman community?' requires an answer. Not all cases will fall under this, but here's a couple scenarios to think on. Someone who has a parallel life in another world: are they otherkin, or are they otherhearted? Someone who places emphasis on the differences between themself and their parallel life may recognize the other as their counterpart, but not quite them, too similar to be anything but family but too different to be the same person, like twins separated at birth. But someone who places emphasis on the similarities, recognizing the other as a reflection of themself, may say that they're otherkin, not so separate as to be family but too similar to be anything but the same person, if in two different situations.

Take further something psychological. Someone with executive dysfunction, an uncontrollable focus mechanism, emotional dysregulation, ostracization from their peers, and a lack of understanding of metaphors or half-truths may go to a pediatrician and be diagnosed as autistic. If they never go to that hypothetical pediatrician, but instead find themself online and hunting for answers, they may discover the otherkin community and come to the conclusion that they are Fair. Where one reads the apparent difference between themself and others as recognizing that they do not psychologically think the way others do, and thus being othered; one recognizes it as others having a gut feeling that they are simply not human, akin to an uncanny valley effect.

Lastly, consider someone who takes up believing themself to be a unicorn as a child, to deal with ostracization from their peers. Something along the lines of the last scenario. Years later, after growing up and discovering a friend group and no longer facing any ostracization, they determine that they still identify as a unicorn. They do research and understand that if they put in the effort over several decades and ego alteration, they may be capable of releasing that coping mechanism turned integral part of them, and letting it go.

Are they otherkin, or a copinglinker?

If they consider themself otherkin, then one can assume they would be disinterested in using ego alteration over a course of decades to let go. If they consider themself a copinglinker, then they may be interested, or they may not, but it would be more likely that they would at least consider the option before deciding either way. And if they do decide against it, does that make it otherkin? As the difference between the two is defined and largely accepted that otherkin is involuntary and copinglinking is, one might argue that they would still be a 'linker, as one cannot choose to be otherkin.

But are they keeping a linktype that they chose and are still choosing, or are they choosing to embrace a kintype that already exists?

I suppose which one it is depends on how you want to look at it, and where you want to place your emphasis of the experience. And no matter how someone else may look at it, the only one with final say is the one who experiences it in the first place.

Both conclusions lead to the same place, in the end: an alterhuman identity, and an experience worth exploring and talking about. No matter how one understands it, or what they ultimately decide to call it.

#otherkin #fictionkin #alterhuman #essays of the skyrose garden #luteia laments #on voluntary identity #on psychological otherkin #on copinglinking #see I know this'll piss people off but I also don't think I'm wrong here?#but I do want to hear thoughts #and if y'all make your own posts please tag me in them

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phantom-muses · 4 years

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major fucking trigger warning for:

rape, emotional abuse, pedophilia, general abusive relationships, suicidal thoughts/attempts and self harm

i gotta get these off my chest because i dont trust anyone who knows me irl to see me the same way as they did before after this post.

With valentines day coming up all i can do is relive all my trauma from my abusive exes and god fucking damn it its so hard im crying while im typing this.

i dont even lnow where to start rhis will be just a massive rambling mess because im a mess but i have to get this whole this off my chest or i swear im gonna end myself.

guess ill start in the beginning. when i was 11 i was getting groomed and manipulated by a 20 year old man. once i turned 12 he started asking me to send him pictures and you can imagine what kind. i of course being a naive little girl though he loved me and didn't know exactly why he wanted those images.

i started cutting myself around this time and attempted suicide for the first time

moving forward to 14, i had a crush on a kid from my class and he manipulated me into thinking he had feelings for me so he could use me for his own sexual gratification. he was the first guy i kissed and he would routinely sexually harass me in public to the point i broke down crying in the middle of class because i couldn't take him and his friends groping me.

again, more sh and attempts

15, first relationship with my first girlfriend, all was great in the beginning until we were alone in my house and i said i didn't wanna go further than kissing (due to trauma but i just said i wasn't ready) and she got kinda pissed off and our relationship went down hill from there and i was just left feeling like a burden every time i tried talking to her.

few months after that i started dating a drug dealer. he fingered me without my consent with his friend in the same room as us. he also took advantage of me one time when i was high off my mind and couldn't possibly consent haha....

16, started regularly doing drugs basically so i wouldn't feel as empty, i let one of my friends take my virginity on my 16th birthday party because i refuse to count the drug dealer as having taken my virginity, felt pretty fucking empty but at least i felt like i sort of had control over my body. until i started dating this foreign guy who also ended up toying with me without my consent but this time in public so i felt i couldn't really do anything.

after that whole catastrophe, i started sexting random guys i met online just because i felt wanted by them. one of them violated my trust and spread my nudes yeehaw aint that great. anyway hes not important, i started catching feelings for one of the guys i was just casually sexting, that was a bad idea, he and i sort of became a thing.

things were great for the first 1 and a half years, then he got hooked on heroin and started emotionally abusing me, made me feel as if i was nothing but a burden and hysterical whenever i expressed any dissatisfaction with how he treated me, he manipulated me into believing i was a bad girlfriend for feeling upset over how he acted. made it seem as if i was nothing but a nuisance. we became an on and off thing because he would randomly ditch me

i almost started cutting myself again after having been almost a year clean

im 18 by this point here.

i started seeing sorta this guy irl, by seeing i mean fucking. another mistake because he was horrible and he raped me and clearly had a thing for rape play because even before that he would like to pretend he was trying to keep me quiet which just brought back some memories yikes. he constantly would try to pressure me into doing things i didn't want to the point of yelling at me for not wanting to do them.

i started talking to another guy online who seened nice, gave me an excuse to break it off with my rapist.

the guy may have saved me from my rapist but he was even worse actually... he was only into how young looking i am, he liked 13 year old girls (as i found out a month ago) and the fact i look like im 14 when im 19 was just perfect for him.... he was extremely controlling, didn't want me talking to any guys that aren't gay and no women who arent straight. he said awful things to me... hes the reason i developed anorexia again after having been okay for 3 years.... he constantly talked about me losing weight and becoming skinny. he admitted to wanting to rape me... only reason i had stayed with him was because of how broken i was. he broke me even further, i had to get my medication trippled, i started cutting myself again and i attmpted suicide again, only reason im not dead right now is how high i was and i couldn't go through with it the way i wouldve been able to had i been sober.

i left him a month ago? i think? i have no idea. im just sitting in my bathtub right now high on xanax so i wont have a panic attack from these flashbacks im having.

i have decided im going go back on track in my ana journey. i havent gained weight but my progress has stagnated these past 2-3 months. ana is my only coping mechanism to not end everything.

#vent #may be triggering #anarexx #triggertime

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wisdomrays · 5 years

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OUR PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE: Part-2

Since the middle of the fifteenth century, there have been many attempts initiated toward developing this idealized system of thought. However, they have never been able to reach the desired objectives. Although this observation is open to contention in certain respects, in general it is true. The architects of Constitutional monarchy, from these to the latest workers of thought, many, whether sincere or not, have tried to find answers to this search and expectations in the collective conscience. However, some became entangled in the Tahafuts of Ibn Rushd and Imam Ghazali, some drowned and perished in the whirlpools of the French Revolution and Auguste Comte, while some were kept busy in the delirium and obsession of Durkheim. They were always active, but they have never taken into account the age in which they lived, and have either gone beyond fantasy or routed thousand-year-old national values into bewilderment by treating their whims and fancies as their god. I wish we could have overcome such vexations and negativities by now. How I wish we could overcome such contrariness and develop a system of thought and a national philosophy nurtured by our own sources!

Let me express this concisely; because the angles of feeling, perception, and interpretation of the natural phenomena are different, if we do not have a strong foundation of thought or a system of philosophy on which to build everything, our views will always be in contradiction and we will devour one another in a web of opposition and conflict. Tomorrow, as well as today, can be our property only by means of this strong method and system, and by means of a common manner or style, which all the generations will voluntarily share. If we do not have such unity in our thoughts, feelings, and manner of life, it will remain nothing but grandiose wishful thinking to talk about national unity and solidarity, both today and tomorrow. For in every system, national logic, thinking, reasoning, and the spiritual inspirations (waridat) are very important. To the extent that a system of thought arises from a nation's own mind, conscience, and world of emotions, can the unity of feelings, logic, and reasoning, and the ease of living together as a nation be realized. On the other hand, where a nation's feelings, thoughts, interpretations, and styles clash with one another, and where reasoning and rationality are in contradiction, actions and activities would yield no fruit, even though there are a great many of them taking place. In such cases, complete devastation is also likely to happen. In a society where such conflict and commotion of understanding and interpretation are experienced, every effort will continually clash and break with another, just like the waves of the sea, and by pouring into its own pool of inertia everything will keep on whirling in a vicious circle. There is some seen and unseen wisdom in the clash of the waves at sea, their breaking and their calming of one another. However, there is only stagnation, rot, disintegration, and self-annihilation in similar collisions and clashes if found within a society. In such a society, everyone seems to be a wolf at the other's door and every thought a project of death; and even if heavenly blessings shower continuously on that society, it will be like clothes under attack from moths; even historical values are subject to attack and becoming moth-eaten, the sacred is face to face with the danger of destruction; and they don't recieve loyalty from the old, nor chivalry from the young; the young people, whom we expect to become heroes, to be the dynamic power that will carry the standard of the bright future on their shoulders, instead swear at the flag and curse the history of their country, considering the future as the arena in which they will perform all their impetuousness and insanity. The old and the intelligentsia, who indulge in hair-raising heedlessness, act almost as the advocates of such decadence; in their expressions, writings, and TV shows they incite bohemianism in the spirit and devastate the understanding and discernment of people, as if they were pouring acid on them.

During such a period, the seats of science and knowledge are not able to evoke a love and thought of knowledge. Those who represent power and authority become the pawns of particular ideologies and devour one another; logic, reasoning, and inspiration are condemned to walk in the narrow aisles of enigmatic signs and expressions. In a society in which such contrariness and vexations develop, idleness, ambition and vanity replace thinking, life becomes nothing but a torture.

Our system of thought or philosophy of life, however, is related to not only the world of existence, but also to the realm of pre-existence, and to whatever is beyond existence. It also deals with all natural phenomena and things which lie beyond as a whole; it is vast enough to define the manner of our entire lives in continuity. It is with such a system that society, in its smallest particle, the individual, is able to realize the universal justice awaited on Earth and respond to all the expectations of humanity by stimulating individuals to act morally; in this way, society is fed with spirit, morality, virtue, and contemplation and thus reaches a state of being renewed as itself. Thus, our understanding of civilization and cultural richness becomes a desirable good, demanded, and sought after all over the world; we are therefore able to extend our helping hands to the rest of the world to present comfortably our ideals of humanity, our philosophy of morality, our understanding of virtue, and our acceptance and interpretation of justice. Again, as a result of having acquired such a level and position, like all the power sources of a state, administrative dynamics and social and economic principles will spring out from the people's own spirit and in this way society will save itself from all sorts of "dependence." So far, the tacit dependence which we have been carrying like a yoke around our necks due to our weaknesses and indebtedness, has paralyzed and caused inertia in our political, economic, and judicial systems, just as it did in our administrative system. In the past, our golden generations, who had once made Anatolia one of the most cultivated, prosperous countries of the world, developed and established their own administrative, political, and judicial systems out of the materials of their own spirit. They did not let any thinking, system, or understanding enter the institutions of the people, which were safeguarded like their homes, family pride, and good name, without having checked it by their own criteria and measures. Far from letting these in, even after they had struggled with nearly the entire world and experienced a temporary defeat, and even while they were retreating wounded and shaken, but ever hopeful, with faith, and with great zeal and desire, they tried to preserve their own origins, gathered around the consciousness of history, and held tightly to the dynamics to which they owe their existence-as expressed in a hadith, they "held (them) tightly between their teeth and their palate." Their heads were not bent down, but held high, their understanding, acceptance, and interpretation of the world and the Hereafter were sound and intact, and they advanced toward a fresh revival without pausing for a breath.

Today, when dawns follow new dawns, from the perspective of our own horizon of wisdom, if we are able to evaluate soundly and once more make use of the world in which we are now living, if we are able to interpret things and events well, if we are able to determine the basic materials of the inner structure of our own people, and if we are able to attach ourselves to the ideals that exist until eternity, we will always be like our glorious ancestors; we may even advance ahead of them. Indeed, why should the insightful generations not be in advance of those of the past; indeed of all generations? They will take the past, the present, and the future, putting them into perspective all at the same time, evaluating and making the best of them; they will take the traditions, culture, and historical dynamics of the society in which they live under their protection; they will interpret well the cycle of the recurrence of history in the direction of their own renewal.

It is important to recall, once again, that the first responsibility that falls to us is to make felt in the consciences of the generations the effects of pain, suffering, hardship, beliefs adopted and the cultures rooted in direct proportion to their weightiness. This will be done by developing in people the consciousness of history. If we can do this, after a few generations no one living in our land will think of looking for or finding any foreign source for our various institutions beyond our spiritual dynamics.

We will be bringing all the elements of our life tomorrow from the past. If we are able to blend them with the light of our religion and the rays of science and knowledge in the crucible of our culture, we will have prepared the glue of our eternity.

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somuchbetterthanthat · 5 years

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That whole post 125 statement bit is just stagnating and I’m very unhappy about it but also I liked the beginning sort of? I’m just very conflicted about it, so i’ve just decided to publish it here if it interests somebody. It’s not finish but it’s vaguely long for tumblr, definitely.

"See," Jon pants as Basira helps him to sit on the cot, "this is exactly why I thought It might be better to ask her about all this."

"Right," Basira mutters, "because she would have listened to you in any capacity, of course – "

"Well, no, I didn't expect as much," he retorts. "She'd have listened to you, though, wouldn't she?"

"We've gone over this. No point in having the same discussion again. You've taken it out though, right? Before she woke up?"

"Y – yeah. But her leg is still open, and I don't know – I mean we can only hope it's enough for her to get back to normal, but of course if she does get back to normal she's just going to... Bleed out – bloody hell Basira what are you doing – "

"Sorry," Basira sighs, though she doesn't look very sorry to Jon despite the fact she just digged her nails into his arm so hard it almost made him forget he's just been stabbed for a second.

She's already staring back at the door though, her brows furrowed in a worried crease, and Jon understands with a beat that her mind is entirely focused on Melanie, still down there, probably terrified and full of rage, unable to properly move, her leg cut open –

"Right," he says. "Just – I'll be fine. Take... Take something with you, just in case, and go back to her."

Basira's eyes flicker to his wound. He grits his teeth.

"I've been stabbed before," he tells her. "As far as stabbing goes, it's rather light."

"...Sure."

"I'll just –" he breathes out slowly, keeping his hand firmly on the wound, and tells himself that Basira already knows he's a monster, anyway. "I'll just grab a statement. That ought to make me better. At least enough that I don't have to go back to the hospital. I think the nurses have seen enough of me for a while."

Basira's lips almost quirk up. It's probably a very odd time for Jon to realize that, perhaps, in literally any other circumstances, she and him could have become quite good friends.

"Go," he encourages her again.

He knows she wants to go. In this world, she's not Jon's friend; she's – ours, whispers a cold, certain, unaffected voice that still sounds a bit too much like him at the back of his head – she's Melanie's friend. Jon is just complicit in them both being stuck in this place, and, frankly, with everything that's happened since he's woken up, he's merely grateful to see that she is still hesitating instead of leaving him here without a second thought. She's – she's a good person. A great person.

"You sure?" she asks at last. "Can you know you're not going to die if I leave?"

"I don't think the Institute would let me off so easily," Jon says with a poor attempt at a smile, trying not to think about Gertrude, or the fact the Institute is just a building, and that his heart is so, so very far away from Jon right now, waiting in a prison cell –

The door abruptly opening surprises them both. Basira's gun is out of her backpocket before Jon can even think of screaming, and they froze, aghast, as Martin blinks at them and slowly raise his hands.

"God, Martin," Basira says, lowering her gun. "A little warning would have been nice."

"I didn't think you'd be in here," says Martin. "What are you doing here?"

His eyes flicker only for the briefest second to Jon before going back to Basira. Jon tells himself it's so hard to breathe suddenly because of the blood loss. Then, Martin is looking right back at him again, and at his bloody hand pressed against his stomach. His face, already pale, turns bone-white.

"Are you kidding me?" he exclaims. "You've been awake for two bloody weeks Jon! How did you even – you know what, it doesn't matter, I'm not even surprised, of course you'd try something stupid – why are you grinning?"

Jon hadn't realized he was. He presses his lips tightly together, and clears his throat.

"I'm fine, Martin. We just had a little bit of, um –"

"We removed a ghost bullet out of Melanie's leg and she woke up pissed as hell," Basira finishes for him, deadpan.

"You – what –" Martin shakes his head. "Right, sure, it's not the weirdest thing that I've heard this week – or today I guess. Where is she, then?"

"Still downstairs," Basira says. "And now that you're here, I don't have to ponder over the ethics of letting Jon alone here to go take care of her, which is – very good timing." she glances at Jon. "Probably gotta thanks your Institute for that."

Jon snorts. His entire body suddenly reminds him he's just been stabbed.

"Wait –" begins Martin, looking suddenly very stiff.

"Bandages are still in the same place as the last time," Basira cuts him off. "If I'm not back in an hour – well. Checking on me would be nice. Don't die, Jon."

"Always trying my best," says Jon at her back as she leaves the room briskly.

There's a beat of dreadful, heavy silence after she closes the door behind her. Jon craves to look back at Martin, to take him in, to see... But something painfully human in him is rather scared of what he might actually face if he does, so instead he takes another breath, and tries to move a bit to get into a more comfortable position. Of course, it only makes the pain sharper and he hisses and closes his eyes, letting his head fall against the wall behind him.

"I guess we're doing this," Martin says at last, sounding profoundly unhappy about it.

"You don't have to," Jon tells him, though it's hard to get the words out, much harder than it was with Basira. "I'm aware that you may have... More urgent business than me, Martin. I'll be fine, you don't have –"

"God, shut up, Jon," snaps Martin. "I'll just – I'm just going to grab bandages, okay? Don't you dare try moving until then."

"...Alright," he agrees. "Thank..." the door is already opening and closing. "...you."

For a moment, he imagines he can see the way Elias does. Imagines he can follow Martin down the corridor, pass through a few doors, go right to the cupboard in the tiny bathroom adjacent to the kitchen and grab bandages. Imagine Martin's pale face, his scowl – but that's not right; Jon's Martin doesn't scowl. Then again, there isn't – Martin's his own person, of course, he's not – not ours, not entirely, murmurs the voice, but he could still – Jon imagines him all the same. Martin with trembling hands, but a determined look in his eye, scared but brave in spite of it, or perhaps because of it, coming back towards him, his step just a little faster, because he... cares...

The door opens again. Jon forces his eyes to do the same. His breathing is more shallow by the minute. Martin is scowling, but he's at his side in less than a few seconds. He puts the bandage and the – file – in his arms right next to Jon's leg, and then carefully but expertly put his hands on Jon's back and chest. Jon shudders more violently than he expected.

"Come on," says Martin – Jon could swear his cheeks have regained some pink – "You should be laid down properly."

The whole affair is rather awkward; but eventually, Jon is mostly laying against the pile of cushions and blankets, and his shirt is rose up enough to reveal the wound fully. As he'd expected – it's really not the worst he's had; Martin's fingers hover above it, hesitant, before he turns around and grabs a tiny bottle of alcohol. Jon hadn't seen it between the bandages. He bites his lips hard not to cry when Martin gently pours a bit over his skin.

He wishes he had something to say as Martin keeps going but his mind feels blank, which is highly inconvenient; he understands that socialization may not be the first preoccupation of the Eye, but since it's been so kind as to offer Jon enough knowledge to perform a rather risky medical procedure just an hour ago, there's no reason it can't also give him the means to start a conversation with Martin that won't end with him fleeing. But perhaps that wish is a little bit too human for his god; maybe Jon can't expect anymore than this; even this seems to already be an indulgence, something he does not deserve. Yet it's – painfully familiar, in a very ironic way, though Martin used to be so much more... talkative, fussing over him, annoying him...

"God, I’m sorry," he sighs out loud, fighting back against the selfish part of him that wants him to stay quiet as to not break this fragile instant of companionship. "I'm sorry I didn't appreciate that enough before, Martin."

Martin's hands still.

"Appreciate what? Getting stabbed?"

"You taking care of me."

Martin inhales sharply. Jon finally finds the courage to look at him, properly; it's easier when Martin's own eyes are still lowered. He looks a mess; tired and stilled, in a way that doesn't feel... right. Jon itches to – claim him – make him feel better, but he's never been good at those sort of things. He's never been the best at empathy, and god knows he's never been good at self-care, which makes him a poor choice when trying to find ways to care for others.

"Let's – not, Jon. Please." Martin says at last.

"Right," says Jon, mouth a little bit dry. "Of course. I'm just – I just. I wanted you to know that I am. Sorry."

"Sure." Martin nods. He still won't look...

Jon raises his arm, gritting his teeth against the pain, and grabs Martin's wrist. Martin startles as if he's been hit.

"I understand you're – mad at me," Jon tries again, stiff but annoyed enough now to go past the awkwardness of talking about his... emotions. "I probably deserve... All of it. And more. I don't expect – I'm not trying to gain sympathy points here. Or maybe I am, I don't know. But I am sorry, Martin. I truly, genuinely am."

At last their eyes properly meet. It's hard to decipher Martin's expression but eventually he says, a little softer than before:

"You probably don't even know what you're really apologizing about."

"Well – I think I've been enough of a prick with you for literal years that a concrete example is not that necessary." Jon points out.

To his surprise, Martin lets out a small laugh.

"You are a prick," he says, and it's almost fond, which makes Jon's insides oddly warm. But then, his eyes turn definitely sad. He gently disentangles himself from Jon's grip. "I wish you wouldn't – I'm not mad, Jon. I mean, I guess maybe I am, a bit, because it's like you don't realize you're... Important and you go and get into those, those deadly situations, without a second thought, as if there weren't consequences to your actions and – that sucks, alright? There's nothing enjoyable about, about worrying again that the next time I'll see you you'll be..."

Martin winces.

"Dead?" Jon finishes. "I understood I've been. Dead, that is."

"But you weren't, were you?" Martin asks.

"... I don't know, Martin." he says, honestly. "I don't know." a short, uneasy silence falls again. Jon licks his lips. "I'm – I'm trying to be better about it. I want to get better about it."

"You literally just got stabbed," Martin points out flatly.

"I did tell Basira that we should speak to Melanie about this beforehand –"

"You didn’t – ” It felt wrong to see so much baffled judgement on Martin’s face.

“I wanted to,” he said defensively. “But Basira said she wouldn’t agree to it and, well, last time I saw Melanie she did try to assault me…”

#the magnus archives #tma #tma stories

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perfectackeracy · 7 years

Text

Shingeki no Kyojin chapter 90 review (+ theories)

This is it.

We’re finally concluding the arc beginning with Grisha’s flashback at chapter 71 and ending with the basement’s discovery and the amount of deal-breaking contents, leading us to the last phase of the manga, with this month’s chapter as being the ultimate wrap-up.

Lasting 5 volumes, it would be wise to write an arc review in a separate post, since it covered the unfinished business left from the first volumes: taking back that portion of the territory surrounded by titans, the mystery between Grisha Yeager and the contents of the basement and eventually the truth behind this world. Too bad I wasn’t around when the first chapters have been published because it would’ve been fun to pick every theory around and check which ones were actually closer to the facts; remember people trying to guess the Beast Titan’s identity? Eren using the coordinate to invoke the wall titans during the battle?

But anyway, the point of this post is more about commenting the chapter in an itself and guess what happens next, as always.

I’ll start by a general commentary: I had... mitigated views about this chapter overall. Not because it felt like a huge letdown for my birthday (because let’s face it, nothing can top Edgetolt) but because it just shows it’s a rather quick wrap-up when we’re preparing the final phase.

I’ll use the MangaStream translation while waiting for the CR scans. It’s not top-quality but the translations are usually on-point (and they seldom mess up bubble order or in this month’s case... PAGE ORDER).

This chapter can be decomposed into 4 phases:

The truth about the titans

Flocke

The ceremony

The timeskip

The ocean and Eren’s resolve

I’ll detail my review under the cut:

The truth about the titans

Historia made her mind and decided to make the information held public... If anything, that underlines the fact the basement was a turning point for the story, despite the sudden influx of information.

This is huge since it was the point where Eldia stepped out of their cycle of ignorance and progressively started to realize the true nature of this world. As Historia said: this is retribution.

Historia letting Eldia know - Ch. 90

Just wanting to point a funny thing here.

She really looks like her father here - Ch. 66

Since a huge war is coming, it would make even more sense. I still don’t believe in that unity spirit however. While it may be effective in times of war against a common enemy, it’s not in times of peace.

And according to Roy and Peaure, it’s apparently too brutal to stir an episode of nationalism or more precisely, a feeling of general agreement that the world they lived on was limited to a single huge island, weren’t part of Humanity in general but as a race labeled as “the descendants of Ymir”, that they’ve been the monsters all along and they’ve been isolating themselves from each other, having the rest of the humanity as a common enemy.

Peaure took note of three types of reactions:

People who accepted the truth as it is

People who think this is a huge joke

Conspiracy theorists who think there’s some Illuminati members in the military

The first category will be easy to rally. The second one needs some time to digest the information or need better evidence. The third one is... well...

While living with the truth seems to make things better and ready for advancement (it’s always better than a situation where people make their growth stagnate), they now realize they’re the target of the rest of humanity who isn’t ready to change their minds. There simply isn’t any room for peace.

And that’s why I’m not feeling particularly salty about the titans being nearly wiped out. Grisha’s logs were the last knee-slapper as their role as mighty oppressors. I’ve said it in a post concerning Bertolt and his role as the Colossal Titan: the same analogy can be applied when they started as being those freakish humanoid looking creatures hellbent to devour humans and forced them to retreat behind walls, decimating anybody who dared to venture in their territory. Then revelations happened:

Humans can turn into titans.

Pure titans actually don’t have a proper conscience and are either trapped in a nightmare or bent on one particular desire.

With titans being humans it means “Humanity” was killing humans all along.

Not every titan can revert back to a human. Only 9 of the whole population can.

The user of the Coordinate can use them as slaves to their bidding.

Titans as well as most humans inside the walls belong to the same people, meaning they were fighting a war against themselves all along.

Titans are only wandering on one island while the rest of the world is free from them.

The wandering titans are actually part of the oppressed minority from another country sentenced for several types of crimes, often unfairly.

All of this implies the SC was executing already sentenced people of their own kind, essentially finishing Marley’s work.

This whole path depicts them as the mere rank of victims rather than predators. Now that they learned who the real enemy is, titans are all demoted from that position, which makes me not so regretful they were eliminated by the guillotine, not to mention the flashback made sense as to why they were all trapped between Wall Maria and Wall Rose.

Eren’s lifestyle is to hunt predators and he already fixed his next target. Notice how at the end of the chapter he referred to the crawling titan as a fellow instead of an enemy he once sworn to kill? I’ll come back to it later.

Flocke

One of the nicest part of the chapter was getting a peek from Hitch, eventually giving Marlowe’s death closure. Jean was giving her the classical speech of how brave he was when he fought for the recapture of Wall Maria. It could’ve gone smoothly but the little problem remaining about his honors was...

...Flocke

Flocke was probably the most controversial character from the chapter. Never in the spoilers tag have I seen so much vitriol for a character who started to make himself relevant in the second-last arc. I’m going to make myself clear about him:

He’s absolutely right.

I’ve seen so many fans call him a piece of shit, him thinking too highly of himself (when he called himself a coward?) or him being too harsh but in the situation where the SC is and as a stock-filling recruit, why should he sugarcoat everything when his first operation was one where he had to brave a giant monkey throwing rocks?

He wasn’t lying when he stated those facts about Marlowe. Being honest is still better than putting on a brave face, which made Hitch go ultimate tsundere and cry while missing how much of a self-absorbed idiot Marlowe was.

“Even though Marlowe Freudenberg was only recently recruited to the Survey Corps as part of the emergency listing just like me, he was still able to help unite us all. The Survey Corps were driven into a corner and faced certain annihilation. The situation seemed hopeless. While everyone else was vulnerable and frightened, he alone kept encouraging and inspiring us.” - Ch. 81 (Pic)

“But in the end... I’m sure he regretted ever going to that place.” - Ch. 81 (Pic)

He wasn’t too happy of dropping the truth on Armin either. He wasn’t fond of Erwin but in no way he would deny him a chance to a second life when there’s a way of breaking through the crack that is despair.

Besides, it wasn’t just his opinion. Everybody else wondered why Erwin wasn’t chosen. Erwin was right in their grasp and he was denied the serum. That’s how it happened to an outsider who only read the reports. People think the SC became nuts, and Flocke nailed what the problem was. For people who dedicated their hearts about serving a cause, they let their feelings get the best of them. “Somebody who can’t sacrifice anything can’t change anything.” Flocke used the same logic Armin does and that’s why it resonated with him in that panel.

“Someone who can’t throw anything away... will never be able to change anything” - Ch. 27 (Text)

Armin thinks the “useful evil” is good, which is why it made sense for him and Flocke to bring Erwin back instead of letting emotions getting the best of them.

“The three of you let your feelings get the better of you, took the injection for your own means, and made an irrational choice. In short you just couldn’t let go of someone important to you, could you?” - Ch. 84 & 85 (Pics)

“Eren... You’re one of those people who believe deep inside they’re always right. that’s why you never give up, just like some unreasonable child.” - Ch. 84 (Pic)

“In that regard, Mikasa was the grown-up in the situation. Because when push came to shove did she give up” - Ch. 84 (Pic)

“You people... You didn’t oppose the senior staff, nor did you try to stop Eren and Mikasa. You just stood there and watched.” - Ch. 84 (Pic)

Well, in defense of Jean, Sasha and Connie: the three of them arrived late and Sasha had a shrapnel her arm, so...

Flocke was mostly narrating what really happened on that roof, which in perspective makes the situation look like a complete dramatic joke, which eventually gives the SC a bad rep where its only members are just a bunch of teenagers who only care about themselves.

Notice the stares from the other officiers oriented in the same direction than Flocke’s. It’s pretty telling the future recruits should watch out for the SC.

On another note, Flocke calls himself a coward. While it’s true he cried about him not wanting to die and not being remembered, he was the only one advocating for Erwin to be brought back before Hange showed up, even standing in front of a Mikasa ready to slice him. He faced Zeke’s attack alongside Erwin and Marlowe, survived miraculously and lost every single one of his comrades in the process. He has the right to have a word in this whole mess.

Armin also nods, making the same disappointed face than the one from chapter 85:

I swear to god, it’s the exact same - Ch. 90 & 85

Armin’s opinion didn’t change since chapter 85: Erwin should’ve lived. Eren this time tried to rile him back in by bringing up the exact same tirade he brought up when he was talking about the outside world, completely cut by his own intentions, associated with a picture of Faye being eaten by the dogs: freedom.

The ceremony

I have no idea why it popped up in his mind but as he touched Historia’s hand and had that detailed flashback with Grisha and Frieda, maybe using trigger words serves as a means to make the memories of a certain person flow through your brain:

When Eren pronounced the word “freedom”, he immediately shifted on Kruger’s perspective, seeing Fay eaten by the dogs.

When Frieda and Grandpa Reiss heard demands about solving the titan problem, the memories of the First King flowed through.

That would explain why Eren began having visions of Grisha and Kruger’s memories: the logs probably contained a lot of trigger words invoking the memories of both men, hence why Eren got a better hold of the coordinate when he couldn’t before.

Thanks to those flashbacks he managed to discover the real key to trigger the coordinate and still hasn’t told anybody about this. Not fully believing to be able to stop the imminent treat, you have two pages dedicated to his self-doubt, him feeling down.

...That expression reverted to anger when he got the full input of Grisha’s memories and perspective. The flashback wasn’t over.

Frieda, as the First King, must have ushered words so powerful they were enough to amp up Eren’s morale to the max. They were also powerful enough to make Grisha lose it, steal the power and make sure nobody from the Reiss family would seize it again. The details apparently made Eren keep the power to himself, as he initially believed the Reiss line was the only one able to defeat the titans with a bit of conviction.

Eren believing Grisha did wrong - Ch. 65

Remember how Kruger and the other restorationists stated how cowardly the King was? That probably what made Grisha lose his marbles and steal the power.

The timeskip

This is where my biggest complaint came from and while it doesn’t represent a huge portion of the chapter (two to thee pages), it was the major detail I was unhappy with. While the way they got rid of titans was understandable, it would’ve been nice to get at least a couple of pictures of everybody’s situation inside the walls during these months. Maybe (and I’m saying maybe) it’ll be used as an opening for next chapter but in any case it feels inappropriate.

Isayama mostly detailed that under the scenes of the seasons in Trost. It at least indicates the Shiganshina battle happened in late autumn/early winter (if that’s any indication for character’s birthdays, because I definitely believe Reiner and Bertolt are born the same year, Annie’s born a year later, the rest is born two years after Reiner and Bertolt and Armin turned 16 between the Uprising and the Battle of Shiganshina arcs). I still find that more underwhelming than having a picture of a ceremony for the fallen, the rest of the titans being wiped out by the military, giving Rico a cameo, Hange falling asleep on their desk after too much paperwork, Levi staring at the window remembering Erwin, Jean/Sasha/Connie paying visit/homage to their families, Armin staring at Eren being concerned but he coordinate shenanigans... All of this could’ve sat nicely on a page, just like this one:

The situation in the walls - Ch. 82

It really feels like nothing important happened and they reached the coast as if it was just the day after, while it’s probably the biggest timeskip of the manga.

Speaking of the ocean...

The ocean and Eren’s resolve

Y’know what? My theory was that the ocean was permanently out of reach because of the tensions inside the walls or it would be saved for the very last chapter. Instead, it was shown in the last chapter of the current arc and the issue was quickly buckled up at the end by Eren’s interruption.

Discovering the ocean also contributed to the underwhelming feeling, but after Isayama posted an entry about it, I’m wondering if closing the matter on six pages and not the ending of the series was actually intentional? The goal of the story was never about reaching the ocean but it felt more like a whim from one character who turned out to be overwhelmed with a major sin at the price of one life that should’ve been selected instead. When Armin reaches the ocean, he isn’t staring at it with the same “dreamy” eyes Eren envied. It’s only after Mikasa stepped in the water he felt joy again.

And of course Eren doesn’t even remotely care. As expected. Instead, he’s focused solely on finding a way to reach Marley and destroy every citizen here. I think that shell Armin found symbolized the beginning of the parting Isayama wanted to illustrate. Armin was probably riddled by survivor’s guilt because of Levi’s choice. Eren told him in this chapter he had to see the ocean he himself already saw but it’s eventually revealed it mattered so little to him. The shell represents Armin’s discovery about things no living Eldian has ever seen before but Eren immediately turns away, preferring finding a future where he walks around and nobody can stop him. It looks like Armin’s actually holding the shell back, isn’t he?

Anyway, that seals my review and I suppose the final arc will be solved on Marley: there’s literally nothing else to do on Paradis and the catastrophe is bound to repeat again. Eren made his mind and follows into his father’s footsteps, knowing how to trigger the coordinate. Getting into Marley is either going to be through infiltration or complete invasion. Since the SC has few members, the former is easier to accomplish if they can hijack a boat.

It’s weird we haven’t heard signs of Reiner or Zeke during these months. They have to be up to something and they’re probably luring the SC into a trap, where Zeke expects Eren to come to Marley by himself. The two of them have to meet in order for chaos to go down, because Marley is ridiculously powerful compared to Eldia.

For some reason I’m expecting Eren to not only touch Zeke but also eat him as well. There’s many points we need to solve about Marley as well. I’m paraphrasing this post here:

What pushed Zeke to join the Marley warriors?

How were the warriors trained?

Were they several promotions?

Is Zeke actually an exception to the rule (somehow answered with Ymir Fritz dying 13 years after but contradicted by Zeke being recruited at least in his late teens)?

If so how did he manage to have a word with the higher-ups? Was he a vet in a previous war? An experimental test?

Is Marley aware Zeke is the last Fritz?

How was the original promotion of the seven warriors?

How did they organize themselves in two parties, with Zeke being the titan outside and Reiner, Bertolt and Annie as the infiltrates?

How come Zeke only manifested himself after Annie’s crystalization?

How is Marley dealing with their enemies in the East?

What about that Titan Chemistry society?

How come Reiner’s last name figure on the Armored serum Eren swallowed?

Is the fact that Reiner and Zeke share the same birthdays nothing more than a joke?

Speaking of Reiner, how come he and Bertolt never mention their family? Orphans? Taken in at a young age?

How did they keep the seven shifters in control?

How did Kruger get his shifter power?

#snk 90 #snk spoilers #snk meta #snk theory #eren yeager #floch #historia reiss #frieda reiss #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #snk #attack on titan #eren #mikasa #armin #historia #frieda

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thekindmagic · 7 years

Note

7 deadly sins and FFXV male characters (main4+Ardyn, Ravus, Cor)

Alright, Anon, yeah, this ask is super cool??! Let’s dothis…

(I’m doing the paired-up deadly sins andheavenly virtues, because I like to think about strengths and weaknesses andhow those things correlate and contradict each other, because I’m a big damnnerd)

Cor: Pride/Humility

Not so much from anything in-game as somethingI’d like to see explored with him?? (I’m putting him first because he’sthe only one I wasn’t particularly inspired over and I’m kinda… getting him outof the way…)He was entrusted with King Regis’s protection at age fifteen. He has an incredible reputation, he’sobviously a phenomenally skilled warrior, and people talk about him like death can’t touch him. How do you sustain thatlevel of success and praise from such a young age and not develop some sort ofcomplex, how do you not start buying into your own myth? (These are my CrisisCore feelings bleeding through…)I mean, when he apologizes for Regisdying, he says it like he assumes he would have been able to stop it all byhimself?? That’s fascinating, it’s a level of self-assurance and responsibilitythat would go to anybody’s head and change the way they see the world.I’d like to think that Cor works very hard not to take his abilities andstatus for granted, because he just never fails,but he knows how dangerous it is to fall into complacency… For the short timehe’s in the party, he defers to Ignis for making a plan and constantly keeps aneye out for Prompto, he makes a concerted effort to work with the team. That’san interesting show of humility for a war hero. …But then again, he’s willing to split the three guys off and send them torisk their lives as a diversion because he’s unilaterally decided it’s the bestway to achieve the goal. He balances everything really well, he seemslike a pretty healthy character, but I’d like to see more of how this works inhis head, and the struggle it must have been for him when he was younger…

Noctis: Sloth/Diligence

Yeah, yeah, he sleeps a lot, pfft, obvious Iknow… Just stay with me, okay??Noctis spends the whole game fighting for the “never say die”motivation he needs to play his role in this story. Hell, he spends all ofBrotherhood looking for it, too. For the longest time, he doesn’t feel it. He’s depressed and almost hopelessand can’t see a way forward, so he mentally retreats. I’m not blaming him forit at all, but the sort of… stagnationhe falls into goes pretty neatly under what people usually mean when they talkabout sloth as a sin. He’s unmotivated. He’s young. He’s lost. He’d rather hide and sleep and playvideo games and fish.But he also knows that’s not an option, at least notlong-term.He knows he had responsibilities the second he was born, that people areliving and dying for him, that he has a place written out for him in the cosmoswhether he wants it or not. So he tries.It’s shaky and it’s miserable and it’s hard, but he pulls himself forward andgets his friends to help him push, he holds on to Luna and his father as theserole models for the life and duties he has to accept, and he keeps going. I love this poor little guy so much, he deserved so much better: he ranhimself into the ground until he thought he had nothing left, and then the godsasked for more. If for no other reason, I love the after-credits scene because he finally getsto rest.

Prompto: Envy/Kindness

This one was the easiest for me, I thought ofit even before the really obvious one with “sloth” and Noctissleeping all the time.Because this is the disparity that drives pretty much everything aboutPrompto?? (Ugh, this feels so self-explanatory to me that it’s hard toput it into words…)Just: “All thatpain, and misery, and loneliness, and it just made him kind”But it also left him reeling, and without any realsense of self?? As forgiving and understanding as he is of others, as much ashe believes they deserve support and always jumps to be the first to supportthem, he has incredibly highexpectations for himself, and he hates itwhen he doesn’t meet them. He literally tells Noctis on the hotel roof thathe’s jealous of Ignis and Gladio, he talks about how he feels like an outcastand wants to belong. Since he was a kid, he’s wanted all the things that seemedto come so easily to the people around him, the way they could walk into a roomand feel like they deserved to be there.But instead of that envy making him bitter, it just makes him hyper-aware ofpeople who might feel the same?? He’s so good and respectful with kids, he’s socareful to help and support Ignis after he’s been blinded, he even reaffirms toGladio that they missed him while he was gone after he rejoins the party.Whenever anybody might be in a vulnerable position, Prompto is right there, because he knows how awful itfeels and genuinely wants to help.(Sunshine boy

Ignis: Greed/Charity

I’m wincing at having to put the word“greed” anywhere near thisselfless angel… But at the same time??The knots he ties himself in are all tangled up in the fact that he wantsthings on behalf of other people, (specifically Noctis,) but god, he still wants them. Enough that his good wishes andgenerosity and honest desire to help are strong enough and mean enough to himthat he’s actually willing to potentially compromise his own goals.I can’t tell where the line is anymore between shipping and characteranalysis, but listen: genuinely, what Ignis wants is to be with Noctis. I wrote a whole thing about this, I’m notgonna reiterate it, but… Even their fight in Brotherhood came down to Ignis notknowing how to deal with the communication breakdown between them, and tryingto pull Noctis forward to him instead of acknowledging the distance. He wantsthem on the same page so hard that he sabotages their relationship. (I mean,it’s not entirely his fault obviously -Noctis’s shitty coping mechanisms certainly play their part…) Ignis wants everythingto work, he wants Noctis to succeed, he wants to be there for it and to play apart - he wants all of that so bad that he accidentally misses all the ways hecould actually be helping. He getsbetter at dealing with it by the time the game rolls around, he’s careful toonly ever offer to talk or spend time making breakfast, not to overstep, not tohold too tight… He’s always very conscious of what he’s giving and what he’sgetting back.I said I wouldn’t repeat that other meta, but damn, in Chapter 10, Ignis iswilling to die if it means he gets moretime with the group, that’s how deeply it runs, that’s how badly he wants. He’swilling to die even though Noctis and his friends so desperately want him to besafe. He’s willing to make that incredibly selfish sacrifice, he’s an enigmawrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside a taco, he can’t carve out his love andwanting even for the sake of the very person he loves and wants to be with.

Gladio: Gluttony/Temperance

Okay no wait let me explain?? It’s not just acup noodle joke, I swear!!“Gluttony” as a deadly sin is something I’ve always interpreted as… indulgence, I guess? Gladio does not have self-control. He does not regulate his impulses. He saysand does what he feels like, the second he feels like saying or doing it. He’sapparently socially outgoing, (though I tend to doubt he’s really as successfulat maintaining relationships as he’d like us to believe,) he apparently makestime for sex and flirting and all the rest. He makes jokes without thinkingabout their impact, and when he’s angry he yells and even gets physical. Hedoesn’t appear know how to restrain himself from committing 110% all the timeto every emotion and instinct he has. …At the same time, he’s an impeccably trained warrior, and a bookworm, andgives constant lectures about duty and control. We know from his backstory thathe got a scar that he could have avoided because he’d rather get hurt than hurta citizen in his capacity as the King’s Shield. I think he knows exactly wherehis weak points are, and he tries to compensate with his “knowthyself” routine and the way he kind of lets his job rewrite his identity.To a certain extent, he wants his world put in order for him; he wants to betold where the rules and limits are so he can stick to them. It’s when thingsgo off-book and he loses those guidelines for what is and isn’t allowed that hereally loses track of himself. He doesn’t want to lose control - he just has no coping mechanisms, he’s neverbeen made to confront the idea that he’s outof control.I wrote a whole thing about that too, I don’t want to getrepetitive…(And yes: there’s also his borderline fetish for cup noodles.)

Ardyn: Lust/Chastity

A fairly easy match, actually?? I’m not using “lust” so much in the sexual sense here, (none of theboys really fit that,) but more in the “lustfor power” way… The difference I see between greed and lust is that greed is a desire to have something, and it’s the thing you wantthat perpetuates the problem for you - whether you deserve it, whether you needit, whether you should be grateful for what you already have… With lust, thething itself doesn’t actually matter: it’s the way you feel about it that’s the issue, the obsessiveness, the way itconsumes you. It’s addictive and self-fulfilling, you want to want it, to revel in the desire: that’s what we see inArdyn the whole damn way. Whatever your read on him is, there’s really no end-goal here?? Whether hegenuinely wants to kill Noctis for revenge on the gods, or is secretly hopingto die in the process and put an end to everything… it almost doesn’t matter.Because Ardyn is too caught up in his own story to think that rationally, he’sempty and addicted to whatever makes him feel real and alive. Most of the time, that seems to be spite. But his angerisn’t an impulse like Gladio’s or a coping mechanism like Ravus’s - his angeris sensual. He loves being petty and bitter and spiteful, he loves the way it feels. He loves it almost ironically I think: it’s just so far from anything he ever felt before. The story of him as a king is self-sacrificial, he was a saint and a healerand every “pure white mage” trope character Final Fantasy has everproduced. He didn’t think of or gratify himself, he sort of sacrificed himselfat the altar of other people’s darkness and corruption. And now that darkness and corruption is all that’s been left to him.And in a twisted sort of way, he’s still being a martyr: he’splaying the part designed for him by the gods.The difference is that he’s got nothing pure or honest left in him anymore,and if this is what he’s been driven to, he’s going to enjoy every second ofit.(Honestly the sort of… perversion of him arranging the bodies in thethrone room played a big role in this decision too, as did his constant bedroomeyes and seduction voice. Ardyn lovesmaking a mockery of intimacy, but that’s a whole different post…)

Ravus: Wrath/Patience

What this boy does with his glorified walk-onrole is amazing to me, I’m low key thinking about Ravus a lot lately??He is so mad all the time about everything, and honestly he has the right tobe - what happened to Noctis at the beginning of the game happened to Ravuswhen he was sixteen, except Ravus didn’t have the luxury of best friends and aprophecy to go start a story of his own. What he had was a sister who wasseverely at risk from the same Empire that killed their mother, a country thatwas almost fully occupied, and a shitload of anger that he had to tamp down andchannel and find a way to live with. If we’re talking survival, Ravus really had no choice but to cooperate withthe Empire - I sort of view his grudge against Regis and Noctis as a copingmechanism, him displacing all the hatred he has for his place in the Empire,(all his resentment toward himself,) andprojecting it back on the people he’s made himself believe could have preventedhim from ever having to be in this situation. He’s so mad, it burns him up, but he’s gotten so good at saying “no, Ican’t, not today.” He’s so good at being quiet, for Luna’s sake and for his own, at turning away even whenhe’s humiliated and furious, at holding himself back when he knows it wouldn’thelp.And then obviously, when he doeslet himself get angry, he’s terrifying and unpredictable and does things likesend Gladio flying into a car or rebel against the Empire and get himselfkilled.His death as a daemon is the worst, because even though his instinct hasalways been to fight… Not like this, youknow? He spent so long trying to handle all the violence warring in him, andthen at the end Ardyn doesn’t leave him any choice: he’s made to succumb toit.(Again, compare him with Gladio please, they’re fascinating foils??)

…That’s probably more than you wanted, but it was really fun to do, so??

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digital1otus · 5 years

Text

Dear One.

There is only one specie in the entire universe that has time, and it is humans. Our bodies are capsules of it. Step away from time, step away from your Body? What are you? What is there?

A few lessons have hit me this Summer. Between tripping on shrooms and almost dying on the river. I’ve felt the electrifying current pulsing through my stagnation. I feel the ascension, and my grip on the past melt. I look around a lot these days and am surprised about where I am, how I am. I sometimes feel like I’m looking at myself through a T.V screen. I’ve felt like I’ve lived a lot. But with my head under the water, I realized I haven’t lived enough. I decided ..I have not lived enough to let my life go. It crossed my mind how there were times in my life where I said death was better. Or I have done things to myself that I probably would be somewhere getting help for. Because I did not want to live, the feelings of defeat were too strong. But the best thing I could do was just exhaust myself into sleep, sleep was always the defender of my life. I just needed to sleep for a bit, and I was able to live. I thought about those times while I was holding my breathe under the water, waiting for a break of air beyond the surface. I also mostly thought about the embarrassment of death on the river. Truly being dragged through an element I considered my ally. A meeting with all the tears I cried. And here I was being dragged frightened. Being dragged now saying I don’t want to die, please god don’t let me die ..? I said that once and thought what a joke. You don’t deserve to beg for a life you take for granted. Even in my dying I was hard on myself. I heard the fear when I called Christinas name, and I wanted to cry ,strategically add more water, when the water was shallow yet I could not stand. And Christina said don’t let go of the tubes. Then I went under back to the high river…under I kicked the emotions and I decided I am going to get on this tube, and I’m going to get to the side of the river. I won’t be apart of misfortune, or some story where it happened out of no where. And bleep I was made back into the one conscious again, thinking that was it? That was Natasha’s life? I just thought nope, and wah-la…. Here I am writing this even though I told you already on the phone but I feel I should write it somewhere. That I lived, I wasn’t scared of death…like I said earlier… sometimes I even entertained it myself. But I was scared that I wouldn’t see you again… at least in human form, I was scared I would never see Australia or meet up with heather like I promised, I was scared that I wouldn’t see where it went with this guy I’m dating , I was scared I would never breathe in the air of relief where I knew my family was healed, truly healed and thriving and together.

—— ----

Eyes and mouths

Sounds

Patterns and designs

I walked into the bedroom

I could feel the rooms brightness even though it was dark.

I asked for goddesses to help, I heard shhhhh. I said shhhh.

I became apart of a larger subconscious. Everyones voices were in my head.

I was the calmness in a cave for a while.

And I kept hearing “this is the fruit of the Gods. “

The room was so huge, and I could hear and feel everything. I could hear pain. And I couldn’t focus on it too much or else I’d lose myself in it.

I forgot about the rest of the world. Like really forgot. Like it was just me, and where I was at.

When it got too intense. I asked how long is this gonna last? And I realized I had a long way to go.

I then acknowledged how it really is better being in a human body; it shields you from the larger context you exist in from all your forms …present in the past and present in the future.. Ah! being human is WAY better than this shit I thought. This thing where all is meshed together. Where everyones pain, happiness, emotions, and expansion are connected to the point that you feel it all and it grows as you direct your purpose on it.

I felt my skin and it was so smooth, I felt my organs and I could truly feel them working. And I felt like my spirit awakened and it wanted out of the body. The fight my body put up to contain my consciousness, and the conscious not abiding…. The channels were open. Once the illusion was lifted, and the conditioning of identifying as this living form was washed away, as a I was re-introduced as all, as every. .I drifted for a minute, composing different forms, as music, as air, as a color, as things I never thought of being, I just drifted through and to, and became apart of them. Then I got up and started thinking with my human brain, like shit I am a human. I am a human. Humans have schedules. I HAVE A FUCKING SCHEDULE! I wonder what day it is… fuck my boss is going to be so mad. I need to tap into that frequency. But my mind & where I was…. kept changing. The lights in the room would go brighter then darker. I’d look outside someone would be there, then be gone. I’d look outside and it was always summer. And I thought how many years has it been summer? And they’ve all gone by…Wow its always summer here, I thought... There is frequencies of time where the humans are, and I need to tap back into that spectrum. Because time doesn’t exist here. It felt like I was stuck in a picture or some pretty painting. Lush green trees, mountains, and sun.

I paced back and forth, because I figured maybe my phone would snap me back into reality? I need to see what time it is. I need something -like THE device of everyones incarnated time and existence these days to extract me from the flow that exist outside of my mind and its pull to every experience right in front of me. I need to get back to my human form. I’m in another dimension.

I really was not here on earth anymore. I promise I was in a river that evades certainty or dependency of anything.

I did not need food, water, I did not need anything.

I walked out in the hallway and looked out the window for a long time. And I swear I was there forever. I disconnected from my body, I went through lights, and I don’t remember anything from that consciousness, I just thought nothing exists, if I don’t think about it, The rest of the world doesn’t exist, I am here, and until I decided there is something else, its just me here. forever…..I don’t know how long it had been in the hallway, but then It occurred to me..

There are these humans, They have rules, they have numbers, they had time.

They made beautiful films, books, structures, love out of what they remembered.

Thats it….They remembered!

I’m not apart of their time anymore, I am not a human anymore, I was once one.Yeah, what was that about I thought†…And slowly it came back, I have a family! I wonder if they are worried about me. How long has it been? And I began to remember …there ..there was these humans. They had rules, they had numbers. I had a name it was Natasha. I was a human.

I need to tap back into their frequency. My parents are there, My family is there, I thought of how mom laughs, and I began to realize how that time capsule is unmatched.. And how I miss my brother so much. God its been forever? I wonder if he’s out? I wonder how long I’ve been here?

How do I tap back into their frequency? I don’t know how long it had been, years, centuries, no time at all. But I know I was somewhere else not in or where time lives. There was these humans, that had rules, numbers, laws, money. etc. I kept repeating this. Then I thought about how they made life so hard with all of that. I remembered thinking that I’ve been here this whole time, on this earth, living, dying, since the very beginning, every lifetime I learned more, every lifetime I grew more, and I remembered how god gave me everything. He gave me everything! I had everything I could ever want to eat here on earth, I had everything necessary to ever build something beautiful... physically in my life or knowledgeably about my life., I had everything. I realized I was just a super dimensional being, remembering this entire time. I found myself looking in the mirror, and thinking I love everything so much. And as I looked at myself…I said oh my god I love everything so much!

I couldn’t believe I choose this. I love that I choose this. Oh my god I’m so sorry. I had been so brain washed to hate this. My bad skin, my odd shaped ways, my face, I laughed. To be embarrassed by this body? I started laughing and crying and thinking how silly it is to be ashamed of this body I am in. I thought of every insecurity and couldn’t help but break into half sobs, and giggles. Like how could I miss this! Blessing?! I was amazed by the god I was, that chose this and I never found it to be the wonder that is it? I WAS A FUCKING GOD! And I’m practically here to enjoy being a human? When your illusions are lifted and nothing is permitted to just your individual being, you notice that everyone knows the feeling, knows your exact same feelings and how it feels to be in your body, and how you think about your body, they can conceptualize it >actually let their soul have a place in it, and laugh with you about the bizarre constriction of the insecurity of it, because its all beautiful. There nothing wrong, its enjoyable, its pleasurable, its a human body, a gift, a home where your soul can expand in for the evolution of all creation.

A new awareness came over me as I began to list the new rules. As a god you don’t need anything, you don’t need to eat, you don’t need to drink water. You are divine. And you see the beauty in everything, everything is perfect. Everything is chosen, and just. I couldn’t believe my LIFE. I thought about how hard it had been, how many times I had lost it, How many times I had been sorry, And how many times I felt like I was never going to get the light back from it. Like I was never going to reach a point where I could choose what I wanted for my life with ease. And I just felt all my struggles to know the truth, to realize the spirit in me, All the books I read, all the studying I had done, all the things I’ve done, and finally here it was, the book found in all religions, traditions, and practices throughout the world. The book that is my soul, It wrote …. that I am only remembering being a human. I am only a memory. And I’m not sure where I am but I am looking back …looking back you can appreciate, you can become in love again and again with what you became with the choices, of what you chose to breath life into . Because you see, you feel, you are infinitely alive. And you just want to make it right. You want to write down, listen, live and create.

I started saying I am so sorry to everyone for it taking me so long to get this. I began violently crying, being soothed by the great realization that my mother, and my dad, my brothers, and sisters, have been the angels I have prayed to, I have wished for, I have been with since where ever this all started. They were gods, who have been carrying so many lessons and karma. And they were the ones that wrote the meaning of life down, time after time again. I cried again, because I couldn’t believe that the god in them knew all along. The god that is our collective consciousness, that is the voice inside our head, the spirit in our heart, the unbounded. I thought about you, and I saw this, or at least it was shown to me that in this lifetime. It could have been me, it could have been anyone in our family, But you took it on, to go into that space, to have this experience and to bring it beyond its suffering, into light, into laughter, into joy. And they kept teaching me, and teaching me, patiently until I was ready to see it all. And I realized everyone acted, and were the way they were because they already knew their path, Regardless if their human form knew. And I kept saying I loved it all so much. I loved everything in my life so much, Oh my GOD I love my life so much. I looked in the mirror and I kept thinking wow. WOW! I couldn’t believe my spirit chose this! And it was like omg I could have picked anything else but I chose this? I could have been anyone else in the world. But I am Natasha! I am Native American, I am Navajo, I have these traditions that were the truth of time, and being human. I’m so in love with this choice. I love my choices so much. I love that I wanted to be here.

I asked how long has it been? And the response was “ its always been. “

And I realized I’m crazy. I’m so crazy!!! Literally this is probably where all the quoted “crazy” people go in their mind…. And now I’m stuck here and I can’t get back. And I began to miss it. And I realized I missed my life so much. I missed so much of my life….. being angry. being tired, desiring and wanting something other than the blessing that is. I cried so much because I’ve forgotten the god in me. Abandoned the god within. The god within every piece of here. And I felt the immense pain and shame being washed with the spirit of love, unconditional. LOVE with the power of every dimension, with every passion, with every mistake that made me strength. A hug from god. I don’t know but something about remembering, really is a gift, especially when its your life. When you remember you choose this everyone in your life becomes even more special. The significance of your life and how it formed. It felt so nice to know that all this darkness I have gone through, all the stress I have carried, all the times I wished upon death, but yet found strength somehow, Really and truly was never meant to break me or to harm me, but was a greater purpose to lead me to build my spirit into a force that lights a way the darkness can fold back into time, into space, into wisdom for another who needs help. We go through this every time we come back here, And so many people forget that it was apart of the plan, that we will come back again and again til we heal every piece. Each time we create more love here, more truths, we endure more and we use our body and time to alchemize our experiences, to strike lightening amongst the black abyss, to write it down as poetry, to grow. I saw our family being so greatly accompanying each other across cosmic time, And how you all were waiting for me and how many times you wanted to tell me that its okay, its all going to be okay. And you all have. Now I know that even though we say that in our deepest doubtful moments, or where we can’t say anything at all but that, it really is our god within speaking up. This is apart of the higher mission. Trust it. ….…I was a god in the sky and I said I’d like to be a human. I’ll name her Natasha. And I’ll make the world remember what life is about, I’ll let them know how special it is to remember your life, and be apart of it….reflecting with wisdom. Just breathing in joy! The initiation had already happened, the wars have already taken place, the chaos had already commenced and ended in a single breathe. I was screaming and clapping on the ground OH MY GOD I LOVE MY LIFE SO MUCH!!!

And I thought about those people who are here teaching others, reminding others, allowing others lives to be enriched and free, They must be Gods too cause I hear them say “I love my life so much!!” Remembering is the key to fully embodying a human form. A human life. Remembering is the beautiful part and magic to our time. Thats why we are told to remember our traditions so much, because they aren’t just words, they are the essence of humanity. The beginning, This life has always been so easy, take away money, take away the fucked up structure of society, take away your conditions. And you are placed on the best planet, that grows your food in abundance, that displays arts of life, and love, and mountains of ease for you. And all it asks is to keep going, take a moment to look back, and help others see what a wonder, what a gift, what a thought to live like the god you are. God put you here with the truths, so close to the earth, and so many are so far from it, But put your ear to the ground, and remember, that with every life you’ve transcended darkness, you’ve built the greatest architecture still standing today, composed the most daring music, comforted the souls who thought they could never go home, you’ve given so much, so many have taken, so many have spit upon you, and you’ve colored the deepest red into your wounds, death has kissed you on battle fields, death has kissed you poor and cursed, death has sometimes demanded your last breathe from you, and you’ve smiled and teased back no ….. but damn have you lived, the way you move through the confinements of time and space, to carry peace untouched to your future and to your past. The way you’ve honored yourself and your mission to continue life no matter the circumstance.

There is only one specie in the entire universe that has time, and it is humans. Our bodies are capsules of it. Step away from time, step away from your Body? What are you? What is there?

You've been, you are, You’re a memory, your remembering.

UPDATE: it wasn’t another dimension, it was experiencing now as it is. nothing more, nothing less. The pure ability to create reality, and live it as now and only. With full comprehension of now in all the paths.

#shrooms

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paler-than-thou · 7 years

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Odds for Fianna and evens for Hailin and all the letters for both. Long one but do it 83

Oh holy shit, Anon XD

Gonna do actual Ultimate Canon versions of these two, so @koto056 will probably be the only one to find this interesting 8D well, except you, Anon, unless you are actually Koto in disguise *eyeballs*

OK SO THIS IS GOING UNDER A CUT TO SAVE Y’ALL’S DASHES BECAUSE THIS IS LONG.

F I A N N A (The Black Alchemist)

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

About 5 minutes. Fianna is always moving, fidgeting, making, destroying, building, anything other than just...nothing. He can’t hack being bored or still.

3.How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

Hah. He doesn’t sleep unless he passes out, mostly. He actively avoids it, but if he absolutely has to, he’ll read. And read. And read. And then give up and get back up again. It helps that he’s not exactly mortal or human, so generally unless he’s in a physical form he doesn’t need to sleep.

5.How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

Very. It takes a lot of work to get him to trust you, and very little for that trust to be broken, and he doesn’t do second chances.

7.What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Very little, because unless he’s in a certain area of the plane he represents, he doesn’t really remember being alive or having a past. For the eons he’s been the Alchemist, however, he and his opposite sit reminiscing for simpler times over regular cups of tea.

9.Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Like a sailor, and nope.

11.How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Badly. If it’s one thing the Alchemist has it’s a rock-solid kind of certainty about everything, despite being the Aspect of Chaos and avatar of the Abyss. There are patterns, no matter how chaotic, and there are Rules that even the two Aspects have to follow. If he gets confused, then something is Not Right With The Multiverse (never with him, he’s always perfect, right?) and it makes him grouchy and more than a little bitchy.

13. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

Black, and yes. Honestly, he can make anything look good no matter what it is, but black is generally his instinctive go-to colour. He makes bad jokes about how it hides the blood from sacrifices.

15.How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Usually on the spot. He’s a very quick thinker, and given to adapting easily to any change at all - the upside to being the Master of Chaos and a manipulator. It does have its downsides though, in that sometimes he should really think about what he’s saying before he says it when the situation doesn’t ask for quick-thinking or a silver tongue.

17.Are they easily embarrassed?

Oh god, no.

19.What is their favorite number?

Pi, because he’s an awkward asshole.

21.Why do they get up in the morning?

To keep the universe from exploding, if you asked him. Mostly to see what trouble he can cause and to stop the Beyond from destroying his and his opposite’s magnum opus.

23.How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

Usually as confusion, when he (eventually) starts to feel the emotion. Him and the Metatron aren’t supposed to be able to feel emotions, at least not on a mortal level, so when he starts envying his creations, mostly it comes out as ‘what the hell is this’ and frustration that he doesn’t understand.

25.What are their thoughts on marriage?

Waste of time and effort, unless it serves a purpose. Can’t understand why mortals would do it, but is endlessly amused they found a way to turn love into a legally-binding contract.

27.What causes them to feel dread?

Not much, except the impending manifestation of the Beyond coming to wreck his shit.

29.Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

He doesn’t have any, really. He lives very much in the present and future and his ideals will change with mood/events/the wind, so I suppose in that respect he kind of does? He’s never still and he hates stagnation, and he sees having fixed ideals as a sign of it. In other words, he’s true Chaotic XD

31. Who are they the most glad to have met?

It’s a toss-up between Metatron (his opposite) and Mathaar (Master of the Gates). Out of the beings/people he’s created, he’s most ‘glad’ to have got to know his Eternal of Death, Hailin (AKA his second in command).

33.Could they be considered lazy?

Nope, as much as he does a lot to make his job as easy as possible (to him, to everyone else it just seems to complicate matters) the Alchemist is very much not lazy.

35.How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

He doesn’t exactly have ‘friends’, though he’s very supportive of Mathaar’s ‘little adventures’ while finding them a source of amusement and gossip with his opposite. He doesn’t really know how to be supportive - what he does with his creations would be more like manipulation. This means he can have spectacular insert-foot-in-mouth moments, and is left going ‘What did I do?’

37.Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

Nope. He’s a god, with perfect memory.

39.How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

Depends on the flaw. There are some things that get his back right up - Ascari’s know-it-all attitude and anyone’s patronisation comes to mind, and he expects respect - or fear, either one - from those who are aware of what he is (though only if he’s actually earned it, he has issues with getting undeserved respect) - but as he tends to attract the misfits and the flawed to his side he is probably one of the most tolerant things in the entire multiverse.

41.How do they feel about children?

He regards his creations as his ‘children’, and has also occasionally fathered/borne children for his and his opposite’s Games. As the Alchemist, he’s unmoved by them and regards them mostly as pawns, but as his very mortal side Fianna he’s very much all about being a good father-figure and absolutely adores kids.

43.If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

“Sex is nothing more than a tool.” How do you assign a sexuality to something that is a manifestation of a state of being? He doesn’t have one in the same respect as a mortal would, though as Fianna, he’d state pansexual. The Final World they’ve created has all manners of species on, and his only rule is ‘able to - and above the age of - consent in their species’.

Letters:

A) Why are you excited about this character?

The Alchemist is one of my longest-standing RP characters and one that has spawned SO MANY RPs XD He’s a lot of fun to play and a challenge, despite being close to me as a person in attitude. I love getting inside his head and under his skin.

B) What inspired you to create them?

I’m not actually sure. I created him as a story character and when we started expanding on the story, I sorta plonked him in as what amounted to an NPC at the time. He was a plot-pivot, something that occasionally turned up to sort something out, and slowly he pretty much gained sentience and started getting more and more involved.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

Oh god no. The character has a habit of changing any story he’s in to fit around him, not the other way round. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not XD

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

Pretty much. It’s evolved and refined over the years but it’s mostly the same as it was when I first dragged him up. He’s gained a few scars and lost a few extra details he didn’t need, but yeah.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

I...honestly don’t know. I mean the Aspect side of him, hell no. He’d infuriate me endlessly and his arrogance would wind me the hell up. His mortal side? Probably. He’s very close to me as a person, as I said, and he’s someone I’d want to protect. As to whether or not either side would get on with me? Pfft, fuck knows, he’s the Aspect of Chaos for a reason.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Bit of excitement, bit of trepidation, bit of pride. Excitement because I love writing/playing him, trepidation because I want to get him as true to himself and what’s in my head as I can, pride because he’s lasted so long and come so far without me cocking him up too much.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

A lot of them, honestly. He has a very complicated and fluid moral compass and it doesn’t really match up to mine, and he’s not exactly bothered about people. If he were human, he’d pretty much be clocked as a psychopath within minutes of meeting him, and as a god it’s elevated to a terrifying level. He’s not really got many redeeming qualities at first, though they are there...just very, very hidden.

H) What trait do you admire most?

His sheer determination. He doesn’t let anything stop him from getting his goal, and if something tries, he pauses, works out how to deal with it and then just keeps on going. That and his ability to actually ask for help and to offer it to those few he considers ‘friends’.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

Hell no! All the AUs!

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Nope. Could say the Canon wouldn’t exist without him. Meta!

H A I L I N (The Eternal of Death)

2. How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Depends. He’s not really one for laughter, or emotion really, though as some will point out his little snorts are practically belly-laughs for him.

4.How easy is it to earn their trust?

It’s not. At all. He’s slow to trust, the only exceptions being when someone else he trusts implicitly has stated that whoever it is is worthy of it. Once he does trust, though, he is incredibly fiercely loyal.

6.Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

Flexible as hell and more of a hindrance than a help. This includes laws of nature. Can’t be a Necromancer and adhere to them, really...

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

Probably to stop swapping places with his identical twin. They did that a lot.

10.What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

Hailin lies a lot sometimes. It comes of being the Alchemist’s second in command and being almost as manipulative as him. He refuses to lie to those he cares about - omit the truth, but that’s it. He couldn’t name a lie he remembers the most, and it never haunts him, unless he had to lie to someone he loved *coughEnglaeveuscough*. That particular one will haunt him til his final days.

12. How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

Frown, bitch at Veus about it, get it scratched. That or use his magic to get it.

14.What animal do they fear most?

Hailin really isn’t afraid of most physical things. He dislikes horses, though he’s a good rider, and he’s not truly afraid of anything - why should he be when he can simply drain the life out of it?

16.What makes their stomach turn?

Again, not much. Torturing children, for some reason, really bothers him despite his penchant for breaking innocents. Probably something to do with his upbringing ¬¬

18. What embarrasses them?

The fact he’s so tiny and when people discover he cares for someone. He doesn’t like emotion much.

20.If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

“Romantic is my love for Veus. Platonic is my love for Bilai, and familial is my love for my adopted parents.” He’s not great at explaining emotion, mostly confused by it as he’s really not good at expressing it either, so he’d have to use examples of the people he knew to break it down - and even then some of those lines are blurred.

22.How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

Luckily Hailin doesn’t get jealous very much, because he is as possessive as fuck. It would be very easy, if it weren’t for other factors, for him to become close to abusive - but luckily a) he can’t be passive-aggressive if he tried and b) he can’t bring himself to hurt the people he loves like that. It’s his brother that has the issues with jealousy.

24. Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

Oh god yes. He can be gloriously TMI about it sometimes and flirts with most things - despite his leanings and who he serves Hailin is a very sexual person. Even dead.

26.What is their preferred mode of transportation?

Either teleportation or his beloved soul-bike. He likes engines of all kinds, and his bike is his baby.

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

No. He hates being lied to or manipulated.

30.Who do they most regret meeting?

This one is...complicated. On his really bad moments, he hates that he met Ascari as she pushed him into apprenticing to the Alchemist to learn what he needed and was broken for it, but recognises when he’s more with it that it was something that needed to happen and that he dearly loves his adopted mother. Otherwise, he both regrets and loves that he met the Alchemist - he needed the control and the power the Aspect gave him but he always is a little regretful of what he lost on the way.

32.Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

He has an in-joke with Englaeveus about necrophilia, but otherwise, not really.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

Very. On the occasions he feels guilt, it eats at him and it’s near-impossible to get him to shake it off even when whatever he’s guilty about has been forgiven.

36.Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

As far as he’s concerned, it happens to other people. The fact he’s completely in love and in a semi-poly relationship is neither here nor there.

38.What memory do they revisit the most often?

Much like the man he calls master, he doesn’t tend to linger in the past much, but his first meeting with Englaeveus and his life in Auria tend to be the ones he thinks of most.

40.How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

He’s very aware of his own flaws, but also very unapologetic about them. If they get in his way, he will do what he can to fix them, but otherwise, he doesn’t care.

42.How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

Very, but he’s very patient. It’ll get there. He would just like it sooner rather than later.

Letters:

A) Why are you excited about this character?

Hailin is actually my oldest-standing RP character ^^ He’s my arrogant little shit and someone I love channelling my dead-pan sarcasm through. I always get a little bouncy when I get to dig him out of his labs.

B) What inspired you to create them?

Originally, he was a character for WoW, and I wanted to create a Blood Elf paladin that wasn’t ye typical tall and pretty belf. I came up with Hailin - short, muscular, angry and cynical with added arrogance. Later on in the Wrath expansion, he became a Death Knight, and the Hail we all know and love was cemented as a character.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

I did at first - he didn’t quite fit into the world I put him in when me and Koto started building it - but after a few pokes he fit right in as the Eternal of Death :D

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

He’s changed a little, through him becoming an Undead and varying IC things happening to him, but largely it’s been the same formula. Problematic dead smol with attitude and half a face and an engine.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

I’d like to say I would, but I don’t think I could put bets on that XD He’s a little too cold - lol - for me, and I think he’d frighten me a little too much. I doubt he’d really register me on his radar.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Pure excitement, really. He’s so much a part of me at this point that I don’t have any fear of playing him right, and when my mood matches up to him it’s so much fun to play him.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

I don’t think any of them really do thanks to his control of himself and his emotions. His want to hurt makes me a little uncomfortable, as does his manipulations, but he only ever does what he sees as necessary - once he gets what he needs, he stops.

H) What trait do you admire most?

His loyalty and the depths he’ll go for those he loves - and the fact that when he does love, he loves with every single particle of himself.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

Pffff, no. Do you have any idea how many versions of this guy I have now?

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

A little, but it was more we hadn’t expected the RP to become the monster it has so we hadn’t done much world-building. Once we actually sat down and started doing that, it all fell into place nicely.

#the black alchemist #aodhfionn macduibh #hail'areth rimewaste #canon #questions #holy shit anon this took me a good three hours to do #Anonymous #Asky Things

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