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#I saw the Captain America films back to back at the cinema ending with the premiere of Civil War
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I have a lot of pet peeves with fics in general but god how I can't read tfa fics because I feel like at least a half of them have something along the lines 'bucky gives steve shit about his rank but he (and often howlies) knows to listen (and be afraid which is wtf) to peggy'
yeah, sure, soldiers who spent how many months first at the front, then in the literal nazi death camp, who were tortured, are gonna be scared of a posh english lady who never seen battle in her life (and doesn't even have an army rank iirc)
Uh Anon ITA I’m totally the same! 
The one time she and Bucky interacted, she was so up herself that she barely deigned to look at him. 
(That condescending nod? like a queen kindly acknowledging a servant! ‘Queen Victoria’ was dead on the money.) 
As far the film shows, she’s somebody Bucky saw twice and spoke to once, since they’re not even on firstname terms by the end of the war. (At the time of Bucky’s rescuing, she had only spoken to Steve a grand total of five times.) 
And her show certainly never mentions her being in the same place as Bucky, since that would require them actually, y’know, acknowledging he existed. 
I can totally understand the Howlies being afraid of her shooting them in a temper tantrum and getting away with it, mind. 
After all, if she can attack a private for daring to question her authority, and open fire on the Captain America (in front of witnesses! whom she endangered in the process!) and not be fired, what’s to stop her just attacking anyone she doesn’t like the look of??
No wonder they never went back to London. 
And yes, she has no rank, no rank insignia, no office. 
She cannot have been in, eg. the ATS, or whichever women’s branch of the forces she was in, long enough to have acquired any significant rank, because she’s too young. 
The film explicitly shows she was never with the Howlies in the field, except for the one occasion when everyone was with them in the field, including old men and scientists (ie. all the other non-combatant characters). 
The script confirms she was in the London War Rooms, not on the continent, the whole time. 
She's not a soldier.
She's not even a spy. 
Spies aren’t personally hired by foreign-Army Colonels. 
Spies don’t take orders from foreign-Army Colonels, they take orders from spymasters. 
Spies don’t act as if they’re drill sergeants to foreign-Army privates. 
Spies don't carry clipboards.
Spies don’t wear uniforms, unless they’re imposters / undercover. 
Spies don’t hang around their own side’s bases and bunkers, exclusively, because that’s a completely useless place for a field-agent to be (who is she supposed to be spying on there??)
Spies are trusted to be issued their own sidearms, they don’t need to swipe other peoples’. 
Spies are not told, during a war, that nobody gives a damn about their opinion, that they should not even bother to voice it, and that they can be fired at any point because they’re so disposable. 
Spies don’t do soldier stuff, (especially not female spies; because there were no female British soldiers as-in-combatants back then), because they’re not trained or employed to do soldier stuff, since that’s what soldiers are for, and because they’re far too busy doing spy stuff, being undercover, etc. (You don’t train a spy to spy and then use them to fight instead. That’s an insult to their training, and a total waste. It’d be like keeping a dog and expecting your cat to bark.)
Spies are not told off for doing spy stuff. 
Oh! And most of all: spies don't have their physiog broadcast across the world in cinemas rendering them completely useless (in her case, even moreso).
She is much more like an Intelligence Analyst, because she carries clipboards, takes notes, looks at maps of enemy installations, tidies up said maps, and discusses the content of reconnaissance photographs of enemy installations gathered by (other people in) spy planes. 
And, she obviously knows the location of the Brooklyn Lab and what the code-words are to get you through the doors.
But none of this makes her a spy as-in-field-agent. 
(Unless you mean Nazi spy, who would be in this place, wearing this uniform, doing these things. Just like Cynthia Glass and ‘Clemson from the State Department.’)
If anything it just confirms that she’s in more of a Management, pencil-pushing position. 
So not someone soldiers would ever listen to, unless she was relaying information about intelligence (gathered by other people).
And certainly not someone soldiers would ever take their orders from, unless she was being used as a mouthpiece for a ranking officer, to relay their orders. 
Her intro in the Camp Lehigh base, putting men through drills (when there’s already a drill sergeant there whose entire purpose is to do that??) straight up makes no sense. 
The rest of the time, she acts a lot like a personal assistant to Howard Stark; praising him to other people, being flirted with by him, refusing to answer direct questions about his personal life, telling his guests he wants to see them the next day, and informing them when he is ready for them (while not wearing a uniform?? but she’s supposed to be on-duty??) 
It would make a lot more sense if that was actually her job; PA. 
Because it would explain things like why Erskine knows her name, but is not on first-name terms with her; why Phillips had to approve her employment; why she is in the same place as Howard (and backstage at the USO tour, of course he’d be there!), but is not apparently doing anything there; why she knows about top secret things, is allowed into the lab despite not being a scientist, but isn’t important enough to be listened to, or given a gun, or not be fired, etc. etc. 
In the field, Steve also explicitly does not listen to her, (pausing even screaming in agony from inside the vitaray tube to make sure people don’t do what she says!) and he even says he can give her orders because he's a captain. 
Meaning, even if she had a rank (which she doesn’t, going by how she’s treated and how young she is), it’s obviously one lower than a captain?
(The Nazi spy character she’s based on was a Lieutenant tho. How telling...)
Given that she is only doing spy stuff in AC because she’s exceeding her remit, sneaking around behind her colleagues’ back, technically she’s not even officially a spy for a big chunk of her own show? 😬
Another thing that goes right over the writers heads: 
In AC there’s a radio show where ‘Betty Carver’ is kidnapped by Nazis and saved by Captain America.  (Pggy, of course, scoffs at the idea of being like Bucky because victimhood is pathetic and real women are far too good to need men’s help........ like she does in her entire show but go off I guess??)
Anyway. 
For this capture to have happened, Betty Carver needs to have been within Nazi’s reach. 
Eg. she has to have been on the Continent, near Captain America, like Bucky the damsel love interest was. 
But it never happened to Pggy. 
If Pggy had ever actually been anywhere near the Howlies, after the peak bimboism of having her picture broadcast in a Captain America Propaganda Showreel... and she had ever actually mattered to Steve... 
Getting captured to draw Steve out is exactly what would have happened to her. 
But it didn’t. 🤷‍♀️
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forzasedici · 8 months
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i love it that you reblogged the “get to know the blogger” post bc i saw you reblog a lot of “le belle et la bete” gifs and was curious about your general taste/favourite films 👁️👁️
this is going to be so long i'm sorry but i just love talking about it so let's start!
i'm going to highlight some of the movies from my favourites list on letterboxd aka the movies that butter my bun:
— Skyfall (2012) and 1917 (2019) both directed by Sam Mendes are honestly great movies with Skyfall for me being the best Bond movie and 1917 as one of the best war movies. What made 1917 one of my favourites was the watching it at cinema experience plus the reveal in the end is just *chef's kiss*
— Tarantino movies. Like that's it. I know a lot of ppl don't like him but for me he's one of the best writers and sure has his problems but you cannot deny his work is great. Inglorious Basterds for me take the cake as his best movie with Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill: Part I being up there as well. One of his underrated movies is definitely Jackie Brown which I've loved.
— Period dramas. Another one of my fave genres. Emma. (2020) being one of my favourite movies. Emma (2009) is also a great adaptation albeit it is a series. Pride and Prejudice (2005) and (1995) are great as well. Little Women has recently grown on me way more and remains my favourite Greta Gerwig movie. Another underrated movie for me is Ophelia which as the title says focuses more on Ophelia from the play Hamlet. It's really well done and I've enjoyed watching it.
— This one is also a period drama but it is a bollywood movie so I wanted to highlight it. Jodhaa Akbar is a MUST watch such a good movie it's insane like I'm sorry you have a sword fight sequence between two lovers and you have won me over.
— Let's get franchises out of the way. Obviously Marvel movies are some of my favourites with Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Thor: Ragnarok which are in my top 3. Both Black Panther movies and Spider-man: No Way Home are taking honourable mentions. For their series my favourite has been Moon Knight. (Sony gets their cookies for Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse and obviously Venom because come on now eddie and venom are otp y'all don't get it like i do)
— Next big franchise is Star Wars. Original trilogy: Empire Strikes Back. Prequel trilogy: Revenge of the Sith (I'm an Anakin girlie unfortunately) and Sequel trilogy: The Last Jedi (Rian Johnson supremacy). Series: Obi-wan Kenobi (i cried). Honourable mention to Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (i also cried).
— Since I mentioned Rian Johnson let's expand on that because the man just gets movies and everyone should watch Looper and Knives Out!!
— Denis Villeneuve. MY MAN!!!! Arrival and Dune *chef's kiss* if you can bear longer movies also Blade Runner 2049 but it isn't one of my favorites exactly because it was long and boring. And since probably someone will say the same for Dune at least Dune has you looking at Oscar Isaac and Timothee Chalamet sure they look miserable but that's when men look the best.
— Spy movies? like idk how to call this but let me list them all. Anna (2019) they succeeded where The Red Sparrow failed like if you're looking for anything similar to Black Widow Anna is the one I would recommend a thousand times. The Nice Guys and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. great comedies I just love them. It's not really a spy but assassin I guess but John Wick franchise is the shit and the best movie is obviously John Wick 2.
— Another director that has me is unfortunately Christopher Nolan. Can I get more basic than that? I do admit his faults and that's sound mixing is fucking awful, I don't understand his movies while I am watching them most of the time and this man cannot write a female character for the life of him BUT 🎶 shapes and colours 🎶. His ideas are what draw me in and it's just visual masterpieces doesn't matter if I can't hear the dialogue if it looks good am I right?
— Smashing musicals and animation together because this is already becoming too long. Singin' In The Rain and The Sound of Music are a MUST watch and also I'm a Phantom of the Opera girlie so if you're going to watch anything watch the 25th anniversary version. I am also unfortunately a Hamilton girlie and the damage to my life caused by that damn musical is irreparable. For animation musical Hercules, The Emperor's New Groove, Anastasia, The Lion King and Tangled and purely animation Howl's Moving Castle, Lilo and Stitch, The Incredibles and Inside Out.
— Now it's time for a quick fire: Ford v Ferrari and Rush are two best movies for my motorsport girlies, Gone Girl and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire for my book girlies, Death at a Funeral and Hot Fuzz for the british comedy girlies, i'm also unfortunately a Titanic girlie probably the movie i've watched most in my life, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!!! A. MUST. WATCH. Monty Python movies are great if you ignore some of the outdated jokes. Jackie is one of my favorites just because it's one of Natalie's Portman's best performances and that's also including Black Swan but both movies are also visually stunning.
— The Death of Stalin is one of the best comedies as well. Ready Player One is one of my weirder favourites since many ppl see it as an average movie but i'd recommend it to anyone (literally can't believe it's my favourite Spielberg movie 😭😭). Also add to the video game genre Tron: Legacy because I will also recommend that movie to anyone. The Grand Budapest Hotel is also a must watch like if anyone made the world go through a pink paint shortage before Barbie did then it's this movie and finally The Batman (2022). Let's end on a battinson note just because.
— Crazy to think I haven't even mentioned all of my favourites but I guess this is kinda the jist of it all. Basically my taste is anything as long as I like it I guess jsbsjsbsjs. (I forgot to mention the horror genre but that's just because I don't really have a favourite movie like if I had to say anything it would be The Conjuring movies.)
— As for Le Belle Et La Bête it's one of my new favourites and honestly got me into a french cinema mood so I'll probably find more favourites there. One of my goals has always been to watch more foreign movies but not many have entered my favourites club unfortunately. Also fuck disney live-action remakes (except you cinderella (2015)).
get to know the blogger
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MoM
sooooooo I just got back from watching Dr Strange 2 so spoilers under the cut
It was pretty good! The energy of the cinema I was in definitely helped with my enjoyment of it as they cheered when certain things happened and all that jazz but firstly the stuff I liked:
THE HORROR VIBESSSSS!!!! Unexpected but so good?? like I genuinely jumped when Wanda appeared many times and when she looked straight at the camera? OMG IM OBSESSED which leads me to my second point of things I liked WANDA HERSELF!!! omg she was so cool and badass but also redeemed herself at the end which I liked. Elizabeth’s performance was as always amazing and yeah her character is just so cool, especially in this film. I also really loved the ways in which they kept the fight scenes fresh, from the two doctor stranges’ fighting it out with musical notes to strange and mordo going back to the classic hand to hand combat it stopped any sense of repetition between the battles
Now what I didn't like:
The way in which America “realised” her powers, like it was just Strange saying “hey you’ve been controlling them the whole time” and then her going “oh yeah” and then just doing it??? Like idk let queen figure that shit out by herself or something also during that ‘heart to heart’ scene between her and zombie Strange I couldn’t stop laughing like idk who thought it was a good idea to have a sincere scene with a decaying corpse but it shouldn’t have happened lmao.
Next the cameos, I’m kinda torn on this because I LOVE JOHN KRANSINSKI!!! Also Professor X along with the alternates of Captain Marvel and Carter were cool but like they showed up and died almost instantly like 💀 and although I’m glad we don't have to see Peggy’s nazi ass again I feel like all of their characters could’ve been more in the film (before they died towards the end which I absolutely felt was necessary otherwise it’d probably get confusing with all these canon MCU alternates existing together). It kinda seemed that they were really only there after Marvel saw the success of NWH having secret cameos so MoM wanted to do the same thing 🤷‍♀️
So overall a good superhero film that I wouldn’t mind watching again even for just the Easter eggs but in the grand scheme of Marvel films? Its not in my favs  
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veterveter · 3 years
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Are you in the mcu fandom? Just curious that's it
Heyyyy friend!! Thanks for asking!
Yeah, in a pretty casual way. I really loved catching the films at the cinema at midnight premieres and stuff as soon as they came out, it was a cool and collective experience. Especially Infinity War and Endgame, it felt like such a global experience we all shared. I miss that, I hope we can have that again soon. I’ve been enjoying the D+ shows too, WandaVision had a strong start and TFATWS has... Zemo. I’m not fiercely passionate about it though, I bug my friend to give me all the deep lore I might need.
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This being said you can always come @ me to discuss MCU stuff, friends!! I’ll try and be really smart for you.
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The Girl In the Movies
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The Girl In The Movies - Cosmic Giving Fic Raffle
Story Rating: Explicit, 18+ only
Warnings: Yandere vibes, implied videoing, kidnapping, noncon, stalking, obsession, choking, dry humping
Relationships: Dark!Bucky Barnes x GN!Reader
Word Count: 1260
Summary: Bucky is ready to make you the star of your own movie.
A/N: For my bestie @cryptidcasanova, you requested Bucky with some yandere fun... and well I went off lol. Just a note, despite the title, I don't actually mention gender/downstairs bits.
This work has Adult Content. By clicking “Keep Reading” you have agreed that you are over the age of 18 and are willing to view such content. My work is not to be copied or translated onto any other platform. I have discontinued my taglist - follow @slothspaghettilibrary to be notified of when I post.
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Oh god. 
This was it. Bucky was going to do it. Everything had been leading up to this moment. He had been dreaming about this, fantasising about how this would go. How perfect it would all be for the both of you. 
All that time he spent preparing a safe home for you would be rewarded. The days he spent searching for the perfect couch, one that he knew would be big enough for the two of you, one he could picture you bent over the armrest or the back of it and begging for his cock, would pay off. Thinking about it even now made the blood rush to his cock, made it chub up in his jeans like it had a million times before. He couldn't wait for you to see it, to feel the soft fabric against your pretty skin.
All that time spent at the garden centre would finally pay off too. He knew you liked your plants, had seen them on Instagram and how much care you put into making sure they found a perfect home. He couldn't just take the ones from your home. No, god no, that would be horrible. They were your babies. Your new home was decorated with the new plants Bucky had painstakingly researched and purchased to make sure they were perfect for you. Our plants, Bucky reminded himself, butterflies erupting in his tummy. They are our babies now.
All that time he watched you was finally coming to an end. No more making excuses to not hang out with his friends. No more rainy nights watching the lights in your bedroom flick off. No more. Bucky was done. He was ready to talk and touch and feel. He needed to close the distance between the two of you. 
He walked into the small cinema. It had a beautiful, old school feel to it that reminded Bucky of a time gone by. He had looked up the history of this place after the first time he saw you walk in. Apparently this had been theatre during the 1930s and 40s, boasting that even Captain America had done a performance here before he went off to fight really Nazis. Bucky could be a history buff if that's what you wanted. He could learn anything he had so he could understand you. 
Instantly his eyes trained on you, standing by the usher's podium waiting to accept tickets from patrons. Bucky had pre-ordered his ticket. He was seeing Licorice Pizza again. You wouldn't stop tweeting about it and how great it was, so he was still trying to absorb all the details of it. You scanned the QR code on his phone.
"Just down the hall, screen two will be on your left." 
You smiled at him and Bucky's whole heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest and his tongue felt like it had been glued to the roof of his mouth. He smiled back, or at least he tried too. He wanted to make sure you knew he appreciated you even if he couldn't say the words yet. Damn it. 
Halfway through the film he heard the door open quietly and he knew you were coming to watch. You always did this for films you liked. He knew this. Which is why Bucky moved seats closer to you. You were so absorbed in the film you didn't even notice him. He tried not to take it personally. He knew you were passionate. 
Before the credits started to roll, he put his plan into action. Just like the internet said, when he pinched his hands over your nose and throat, you passed out quickly. And the fire exit was right there. He dragged you outside and the rest was history. You were finally coming home. 
📽️📽️📽️
Your throat hurt when you woke up. You were probably just dehydrated, that happened sometimes when you worked the late shift and ate leftover popcorn for dinner. It had been such an exhausting shift you couldn't even remember getting home. You burrowed deeper into your bed, it was your day off. No reason to get up early today. 
A cosy warm blanket was tugged around you, keeping you wrapped and barely conscious. This was perfect. The best way to spend your day off. Sure you needed to bath your plants and do some laundry, but that could wait a little longer. Another tug disturbed your dozing and your nose scrunched. 
A deep sigh fanned across your neck and made your muscles lock up. You weren't alone. There was someone in your bed. Suddenly the night before came crashing back to you. The sneaking in the last bit of the movie, someone grabbing you. A flash of a smile comes to mind but you couldn't place who it belonged to. 
You squirmed, fingers digging into the arm wrapped around you. You had to get away, this couldn't be happening. This didn't happen to people like you. They just didn't. 
For all your quiet attempts at escaping, it alone roused the person behind you enough to lock their body around yours. Something hard pressed into your back and another, deeper sigh heated your flesh. Your captor pressed further into you, grinding his hips into your ass until you whimpered. Fear and something traitorously shamefully boiled in your gut. So overwhelmed by the feelings, you shook your head, trying to physically cast them aside, but you couldn’t. Your captor’s hand slid under your shirt and groped your chest, his fingers flicked across your nipple. 
“Please.” You wanted to cry. This couldn’t be happening, it had to be a nightmare. “Please.”
Lips pressed against your ear, tongue darting out to pick as the pace increased. He grunted, his nails digging into your flesh. It wasn't about teasing you anymore, making you feel things you shouldn't. Your captor was awake and demanding.
"Hold- hold still, I just-" he groaned, rolling the two of you over until he was crushing you into the unfamiliar bed. "Just let me take the edge off, promise to make it good." 
Your cries grew desperate, not to get away but to breathe at all. You flung your limbs out and the man on top of you only wrapped himself around you tighter. One hand crushed into your sternum and the other dug under you until he could grab your neck. Tears streamed down your face with every raspy, ragged breath you took. 
"I didn't mean for it to start like this," he groaned in your ear, grinding his cock over in between your ass, pulling at the fabric of your underwear. "Was gonna wake you with my mouth between your legs, taste you after so long, baby. Make you breakfast while you got used to our home and-"
His voice shook, like he couldn't control himself any longer. Every thrust became harder and violent, your body jerking against the grip on your neck. He wasn't even inside, and yet it felt like he was already tearing you apart, ripping your soul at the seams until you couldn't see or hear or live.
He shouted when he came, the damp spot pressed into your back as he came down. His harsh breathing evened out as your vision began to swim. Black spots formed behind your eyes. 
"Shh, that's it, we can do another take. Will get it right this time. I've got plenty of film for us to make the perfect movie of our lives."
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wakandaiscoming · 4 years
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Ryan Coogler’s statement on Chadwick Boseman’s death has gutted me again. “He’s an ancestor now.”
Before sharing my thoughts on the passing of the great Chadwick Boseman, I first offer my condolences to his family who meant so very much to him. To his wife, Simone, especially.
I inherited Marvel and the Russo Brothers’ casting choice of T’Challa. It is something that I will forever be grateful for. The first time I saw Chad’s performance as T’Challa, it was in an unfinished cut of “Captain America: Civil War.” I was deciding whether or not directing “Black Panther” was the right choice for me. I’ll never forget, sitting in an editorial suite on the Disney Lot and watching his scenes. His first with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, then, with the South African cinema titan, John Kani as T’Challa’s father, King T’Chaka. It was at that moment I knew I wanted to make this movie. After Scarlett’s character leaves them, Chad and John began conversing in a language I had never heard before. It sounded familiar, full of the same clicks and smacks that young black children would make in the States. The same clicks that we would often be chided for being disrespectful or improper. But, it had a musicality to it that felt ancient, powerful, and African.
I learned later that there was much conversation over how T’Challa would sound in the film. The decision to have Xhosa be the official language of Wakanda was solidified by Chad, a native of South Carolina, because he was able to learn his lines in Xhosa, there on the spot. He also advocated for his character to speak with an African accent, so that he could present T’Challa to audiences as an African king, whose dialect had not been conquered by the West.
I finally met Chad in person in early 2016, once I signed onto the film. He snuck past journalists that were congregated for a press junket I was doing for CREED, and met with me in the green room. We talked about our lives, my time playing football in college, and his time at Howard studying to be a director, about our collective vision for T’Challa and Wakanda. We spoke about the irony of how his former Howard classmate Ta-Nehisi Coates was writing T’Challa’s current arc with Marvel Comics. And how Chad knew Howard student Prince Jones, who’s murder by a police officer inspired Coates’ memoir Between The World and Me.
I noticed then that Chad was an anomaly. He was calm. Assured. Constantly studying. But also kind, comforting, had the warmest laugh in the world, and eyes that seen much beyond his years, but could still sparkle like a child seeing something for the first time.
That was the first of many conversations. He was a special person. We would often speak about heritage and what it means to be African. When preparing for the film, he would ponder every decision, every choice, not just for how it would reflect on himself, but how those choices could reverberate. “They not ready for this, what we are doing…” “This is Star Wars, this is Lord of the Rings, but for us… and bigger!” He would say this to me while we were struggling to finish a dramatic scene, stretching into double overtime. Or while he was covered in body paint, doing his own stunts. Or crashing into frigid water, and foam landing pads. I would nod and smile, but I didn’t believe him. I had no idea if the film would work. I wasn’t sure I knew what I was doing. But I look back and realize that Chad knew something we all didn’t. He was playing the long game. All while putting in the work. And work he did.
He would come to auditions for supporting roles, which is not common for lead actors in big budget movies. He was there for several M’Baku auditions. In Winston Duke’s, he turned a chemistry read into a wrestling match. Winston broke his bracelet. In Letitia Wright’s audition for Shuri, she pierced his royal poise with her signature humor, and would bring about a smile to T’Challa’s face that was 100% Chad.
While filming the movie, we would meet at the office or at my rental home in Atlanta, to discuss lines and different ways to add depth to each scene. We talked costumes, military practices. He said to me “Wakandans have to dance during the coronations. If they just stand there with spears, what separates them from Romans?” In early drafts of the script. Eric Killmonger’s character would ask T’Challa to be buried in Wakanda. Chad challenged that and asked, what if Killmonger asked to be buried somewhere else?
Chad deeply valued his privacy, and I wasn’t privy to the details of his illness. After his family released their statement, I realized that he was living with his illness the entire time I knew him. Because he was a caretaker, a leader, and a man of faith, dignity and pride, he shielded his collaborators from his suffering. He lived a beautiful life. And he made great art. Day after day, year after year. That was who he was. He was an epic firework display. I will tell stories about being there for some of the brilliant sparks till the end of my days. What an incredible mark he’s left for us.
I haven’t grieved a loss this acute before. I spent the last year preparing, imagining and writing words for him to say, that we weren’t destined to see. It leaves me broken knowing that I won’t be able to watch another close-up of him in the monitor again or walk up to him and ask for another take.
It hurts more to know that we can’t have another conversation, or facetime, or text message exchange. He would send vegetarian recipes and eating regimens for my family and me to follow during the pandemic. He would check in on me and my loved ones, even as he dealt with the scourge of cancer.
In African cultures we often refer to loved ones that have passed on as ancestors. Sometimes you are genetically related. Sometimes you are not. I had the privilege of directing scenes of Chad’s character, T’Challa, communicating with the ancestors of Wakanda. We were in Atlanta, in an abandoned warehouse, with bluescreens, and massive movie lights, but Chad’s performance made it feel real. I think it was because from the time that I met him, the ancestors spoke through him. It’s no secret to me now how he was able to skillfully portray some of our most notable ones. I had no doubt that he would live on and continue to bless us with more. But it is with a heavy heart and a sense of deep gratitude to have ever been in his presence, that I have to reckon with the fact that Chad is an ancestor now. And I know that he will watch over us, until we meet again."
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londonspirit · 4 years
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“I inherited Marvel and the Russo Brothers’ casting choice of T’Challa. It is something that I will forever be grateful for. The first time I saw Chad’s performance as T’Challa, it was in an unfinished cut of CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR. I was deciding whether or not directing BLACK PANTHER was the right choice for me. I’ll never forget, sitting in an editorial suite on the Disney Lot and watching his scenes. His first with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, then, with the South African cinema titan, John Kani as T’Challa’s father, King T’Chaka. It was at that moment I knew I wanted to make this movie. After Scarlett’s character leaves them, Chad and John began conversing in a language I had never heard before. It sounded familiar, full of the same clicks and smacks that young black children would make in the States. The same clicks that we would often be chided for being disrespectful or improper. But, it had a musicality to it that felt ancient, powerful, and African.
In my meeting after watching the film, I asked Nate Moore, one of the producers of the film, about the language. “Did you guys make it up?” Nate replied, “that’s Xhosa, John Kani’s native language. He and Chad decided to do the scene like that on set, and we rolled with it.” I thought to myself. “He just learned lines in another language, that day?” I couldn’t conceive how difficult that must have been, and even though I hadn’t met Chad, I was already in awe of his capacity as actor.
I learned later that there was much conversation over how T’Challa would sound in the film. The decision to have Xhosa be the official language of Wakanda was solidified by Chad, a native of South Carolina, because he was able to learn his lines in Xhosa, there on the spot. He also advocated for his character to speak with an African accent, so that he could present T’Challa to audiences as an African king, whose dialect had not been conquered by the West.
I finally met Chad in person in early 2016, once I signed onto the film. He snuck past journalists that were congregated for a press junket I was doing for CREED, and met with me in the green room. We talked about our lives, my time playing football in college, and his time at Howard studying to be a director, about our collective vision for T’Challa and Wakanda. We spoke about the irony of how his former Howard classmate Ta-Nehisi Coates was writing T’Challa’s current arc with Marvel Comics. And how Chad knew Howard student Prince Jones, who’s murder by a police officer inspired Coates’ memoir Between The World and Me.
I noticed then that Chad was an anomaly. He was calm. Assured. Constantly studying. But also kind, comforting, had the warmest laugh in the world, and eyes that seen much beyond his years, but could still sparkle like a child seeing something for the first time.  
That was the first of many conversations. He was a special person. We would often speak about heritage and what it means to be African. When preparing for the film, he would ponder every decision, every choice, not just for how it would reflect on himself, but how those choices could reverberate. “They not ready for this, what we are doing…” “This is Star Wars, this is Lord of the Rings, but for us… and bigger!” He would say this to me while we were struggling to finish a dramatic scene, stretching into double overtime. Or while he was covered in body paint, doing his own stunts. Or crashing into frigid water, and foam landing pads. I would nod and smile, but I didn’t believe him. I had no idea if the film would work. I wasn’t sure I knew what I was doing. But I look back and realize that Chad knew something we all didn’t. He was playing the long game.  All while putting in the work. And work he did.
He would come to auditions for supporting roles, which is not common for lead actors in big budget movies. He was there for several M’Baku auditions. In Winston Duke’s, he turned a chemistry read into a wrestling match. Winston broke his bracelet. In Letitia Wright’s audition for Shuri, she pierced his royal poise with her signature humor, and would bring about a smile to T’Challa’s face that was 100% Chad.
While filming the movie, we would meet at the office or at my rental home in Atlanta, to discuss lines and different ways to add depth to each scene. We talked costumes, military practices. He said to me “Wakandans have to dance during the coronations. If they just stand there with spears, what separates them from Romans?” In early drafts of the script. Eric Killmonger’s character would ask T’Challa to be buried in Wakanda. Chad challenged that and asked, what if Killmonger asked to be buried somewhere else?
Chad deeply valued his privacy, and I wasn’t privy to the details of his illness. After his family released their statement, I realized that he was living with his illness the entire time I knew him. Because he was a caretaker, a leader, and a man of faith, dignity and pride, he shielded his collaborators from his suffering. He lived a beautiful life. And he made great art. Day after day, year after year. That was who he was. He was an epic firework display. I will tell stories about being there for some of the brilliant sparks till the end of my days. What an incredible mark he’s left for us.
I haven’t grieved a loss this acute before. I spent the last year preparing, imagining and writing words for him to say, that we weren’t destined to see. It leaves me broken knowing that I won’t be able to watch another close-up of him in the monitor again or walk up to him and ask for another take.
It hurts more to know that we can’t have another conversation, or facetime, or text message exchange. He would send vegetarian recipes and eating regimens for my family and me to follow during the pandemic.  He would check in on me and my loved ones, even as he dealt with the scourge of cancer.  
In African cultures we often refer to loved ones that have passed on as ancestors. Sometimes you are genetically related. Sometimes you are not. I had the privilege of directing scenes of Chad’s character, T’Challa, communicating with the ancestors of Wakanda. We were in Atlanta, in an abandoned warehouse, with bluescreens, and massive movie lights, but Chad’s performance made it feel real. I think it was because from the time that I met him, the ancestors spoke through him. It’s no secret to me now how he was able to skillfully portray some of our most notable ones. I had no doubt that he would live on and continue to bless us with more. But it is with a heavy heart and a sense of deep gratitude to have ever been in his presence, that I have to reckon with the fact that Chad is an ancestor now. And I know that he will watch over us, until we meet again.”
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thanksjro · 3 years
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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One
TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE
So.
This is a little different than what I usually do.
Clearly.
God, how did we even get here?
Oh, I remember.
The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.
...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.
I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.
And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.
Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.
Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.
This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.
Anyway.
How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.
Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.
Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.
It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?
The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.
Haha, I doubt it.
So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.
Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.
Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.
Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.
For loving his child.
We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.
The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.
We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?
No. Not at all, actually.
Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.
The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?
This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.
See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.
It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.
But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!
We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.
Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.
It’s just a shame that I don’t care.
Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.
Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.
We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.
Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.
Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.
Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?
Right???
RIGHT??????????
RIGH-
Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.
I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.
Anyway.
Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.
Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.
Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.
Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.
Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.
Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.
“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.
Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.
Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.
So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.
Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.
Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.
Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”
As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.
As if women are property to be owned.
As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.
We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.
We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.
Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.
Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.
Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).
The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.
Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.
Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.
Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.
Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?
Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.
The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.
Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.
Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.
Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-
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A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?
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You can’t be fucking serious.
ANYWAY.
Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.
As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.
Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.
She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.
This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.
It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.
I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.
I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.
I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.
The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.
As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.
Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.
Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.
He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.
Which made me groan aloud.
Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.
Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.
Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.
The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-
The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-
She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.
Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.
The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-
With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.
We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.
Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.
Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.
The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.
However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.
Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?
Right???
RIGHT??????????
RIGH-
Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.
And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.
Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.
Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.
Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.
Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.
The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.
Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?
Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.
With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.
Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.
So they try it again.
This time it works, sort of.
At the very least, he’s left now.
Tail fell off, though.
Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.
Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?
Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.
Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.
Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.
Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.
Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.
The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.
No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.
Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.
Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.
As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.
Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”
Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.
The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.
Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.
No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.
Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.
LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.
Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?
Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.
There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.
The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.
Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.
While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.
Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!
Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.
Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”
Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.
This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.
All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.
It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.
But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.
Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.
Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.
Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.
Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.
Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”
Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.
Judy doesn’t count.
As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.
I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.
We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.
Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.
We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.
In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.
Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.
Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.
Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.
Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.
Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?
This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.
I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.
Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.
Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.
No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.
If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.
When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.
Don’t ask how that works, it just does.
So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.
Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!
Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.
Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.
This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.
Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.
Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.
For about 20 seconds.
Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.
Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.
Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.
While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.
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I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.
Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.
Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.
Ratchet’s fine, by the way.
The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.
Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.
Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.
She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.
Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.
Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.
Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.
Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”
We still have another hour of this movie.
The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.
As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.
Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.
Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.
Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.
Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”
Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.
Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.
Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.
I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.
Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.
Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.
...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.
But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.
Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.
The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.
No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.
Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.
Nope, that doesn’t happen either.
Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.
Repeatedly.
They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.
Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.
Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.
Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.
When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?
Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.
Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.
Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.
Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.
Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.
Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.
We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.
Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.
Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.
I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.
Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.
And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.
Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.
Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.
We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.
Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.
Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.
Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.
Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.
We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.
Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.
Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.
We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.
Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!
Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!
The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.
Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.
There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.
Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!
Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!
The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.
Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.
Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?
Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.
Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.
Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.
Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.
Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.
They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.
Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.
Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.
Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.
This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.
Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.
Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.
Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.
Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.
Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?
Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.
Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.
Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.
Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.
Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.
Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.
Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.
Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.
Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.
The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”
Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.
Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.
The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.
Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.
Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.
The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.
Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.
Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.
Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.
Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?
Oh, right, because ~girl~.
Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.
Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.
Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.
Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.
Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.
Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.
Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.
Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.
Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.
Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.
Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.
He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.
Y’know.
Like a vast, predatory bird.
Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.
Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.
Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.
Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.
I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?
Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.
Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.
He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.
While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.
Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”
Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.
The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.
Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.
Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.
Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.
I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.
No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.
Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.
Feminist icon Megatron?
Feminist icon Megatron.
Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.
Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.
I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.
Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”
Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.
The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.
The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.
Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.
Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.
Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.
Congrats on your first murder, Sam.
Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.
Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.
In tow.
In tow-
Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.
Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.
Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.
Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.
Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.
Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.
Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.
The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.
Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.
And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.
The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.
And that’s where they leave us.
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IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.
So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.
And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?
When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.
What a mess.
--------------------------
COMING SOON:
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD
TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW
TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY
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sarahp879 · 4 years
Text
Remember When
Pairing: Steve x Reader
Warnings: Amnesia, angst, fluff.
Summary: After a car accident you forget everything that happened in the last 5 years, your friends, your job and particularly your husband.
This is for @thisismysecrethappyplace​ Share The Love Bingo Writing Challenge – Prompt: Amnesia
Ok so this one shot got away from me a bit, it’s a bit long but i hope you all like it
Any Gifs/Pictures and Songs I use are not mine
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Steve’s heart was in his throat as he weaved in and out of traffic in his motorbike, the call from the hospital still ringing in his ears.
Y/N, car accident, hospital…..
Abandoning his bike at the entrance, he raced through the corridors trying to find you, eventually having to stop at a nurse’s station to ask.
“My, my, my wife, she’s been brought in, she was in an accident, I need to see her” he rambled.
The nurse gave Steve a soft comforting look, recognising him immediately. “Mr Rogers, take a breath, your wife is stable, she had a little internal bleeding but that has been successfully stopped, she has a bit of swelling on the brain which we are monitoring, the cuts and bruises look worse than they are, but we expect her to make a full recovery” She saw the tension in Steve’s shoulder release slightly. “Let me show you to her room”.
The nurse led Steve down the corridors to the private section, knowing you were married to Captain America, the hospital wanted to make sure you were safe while you were there. Steve’s heart hammering in his chest with every step towards the door at the end or the corridor, “I’ll be at the desk if you need anything, take your time” she spoke softly, resting a comforting hand on his arm.
Steve stepped into the room, machines all around you beeping and pulsing, cables connecting you to them via your arms, nose and pads on your chest. You lay there, not moving, eyes gently closed, you looked as though you could be sleeping.
He took the seat beside your bed, brushing hair from your face and taking your hand in between both of his, placing a soft kiss to your knuckles. Steve sat like this for days, three days to be exact, three days the doctors said you were sleeping, recuperating, healing. They were happy the swelling on your brain had reduced but they wouldn’t know for sure if there would be any memory loss. All they could do was wait for you to wake up.
Luckily, they didn’t have to wait long, only a week later with Steve and Bucky at your bedside Steve saw your eyelids flutter and softly open, blinking at the lights in the room.
“Hey beautiful!” cooed Steve, “There you are, you worried us all there” he stood up leaning over you to a kiss to your head.
You moved away from him as he went to kiss you, “What are you doing?” you asked making Steve pause his actions and frown, he moved back into his seat.
“What do you….. Y/N its me, Steve” he questioned, “I know, Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes” you acknowledged them both by their titles and a nod of your head “But why are you here? What happened?” you looked at the tube in your arm, the bandages and bruises on your body.
Getting anxious and dizzy you started to get yourself worked up, wanting to pull at your cables and try to get out of bed, alarms started to ring and nurses rushed in to put you back into bed.
A Doctor asking for a word with Steve and Bucky outside your room, while the nurses calmed you down.
Closing the door, he turned to face Steve and Bucky, “There’s no easy way to say this but Y/N is suffering from some short-term memory loss, it’s called Retrograde Memory Loss, it’s caused by the swelling of the frontal lobe. We are going to run a few more tests but we need to start a program to work on her memories, she has no recollection of the accident or of anything that has happened in the last 5 years, usually the patient only forgets several weeks, so the damage may be more significant than we thought”
Steve’s heart dropped, you couldn’t remember any of your time together, your life, your marriage. “Will she get her memory back?” asked Steve,
“She might, but she will need some help with that” reassured the Doctor
“What can we do to help?” enquired Bucky, seeing Steve was lost in his thoughts.
“You can take her to places to help her remember, personal belongings like photos and letters, but try not to pressure her into being the same person she was before the accident, she is going to be very confused and very frustrated not being able to remember, she is going to need a lot of support”
“Of course, doctor, we’ll do everything we can, thank you” Finished Steve, both men shook the Doctors hand, re-entering your room as the Nurse left.
Steve took a deep breath as he entered your room, he wanted nothing more than to hold you and comfort you, tell you how much he loved you but that would scare you. He felt nervous and awkward, but wanted to be there for you.
========
You were released from Hospital two days later; they were happy you were healing well and Tony had said you would have around the clock care at the Compound.
People around the Compound greeted you, saying how lovely it was to see you again, and hoped you would feel better soon, you just smiled and followed Steve through to the living quarters.
Steve was still living at your shared house nearby to the compound, he had brought some of your things from the house, wanting to make sure you were as comfortable as possible in the compound. Tony had set up a room for you near to Wanda and Nat, you had been friends with them since you started working at the Compound as the receptionist 8 years ago.
Walking through the Compound you remembered many nights spent there with the girls, games nights resulting in drunken confessions, films nights in the cinema room and of course the lavish parties thrown by Tony for any reason necessary.
Steve had set your room up for you, placed a few family photos, childhood stuffed toys and memories, just to help you feel settled, although he made sure not to include anything from your wedding and life together, he wanted to ease you into that.
“Thanks Captain” you smiled as Steve placed your bags on the freshly made bed.
“You don’t have to call me Captain, call me Steve, please” Steve smiled back at you, he got lost in the moment, he hadn’t seen your smile in what felt like forever, you were finally back home, admittedly it was at the Compound but it was still a step closer to being back with him. He cleared this throat, breaking himself from staring at you, you had moved to the window, staring out from the balcony across the vast lawns and gardens surrounding the Compound.
“So, um, let me know if you need anything” Steve squirmed he didn’t want to leave you, he wanted to hug you and hold you, look after you and help you to remember. It was driving him crazy that he couldn’t do all those things. It was then Steve had an idea.
=========
Months past and your memory slowly returned in pieces, you had flashes of memories triggered by the smallest of things.
When Wanda handed you a cup of coffee you remembered her buying you the mug for your birthday, which now turned out to be your favourite.
When you were in the gym doing cardio watching the others wrestle on the mat you remembered the one time you managed to pin Bucky from a move Nat had taught you. The shocked expression on Bucky’s face followed by the laughter and banter from the others.
Watching a film curled up in the lounge you remembered Tony picking a film he thought would be good, but he hadn’t even seen yet, it turning out to be an absolute abomination and one of the worst films you had ever seen.
One of Tony’s parties where he tried to show off his new updates to his Iron Man suit and ended up blowing a hole in the wall of the Compound, which he had hired a designer to turn the hole into a set of by folding doors onto a new decking area.
Months passed, your friendships with the group grew and grew, time spent with them was wonderful, days out, movie nights and girly weekends away, you felt more and more at home, but there was always some weird feeling with Steve, it felt different than with the others, there seemed to be more there. You also found yourself rubbing your wedding finger on your left hand absentmindedly when you felt alone or anxious, as though there was something missing, something that was a form of comfort.
You phone dinged telling informing you of a reminder, the message reading – “5year Anniversary, book favourite restaurant for Steve”.
“Wanda?” you called as you entered the gym, where she and Nat were in sparring with each other, both women stopping to look over at you
“What’s this?” you enquired quizzically, “5year Anniversary? but I’m not married!” a frown on your brow.
Nat and Wanda exchanged a look, it was the type of look that said “oh shit!” No one had thought to check your phone for any reminders in your calendar, why didn’t they at least get Tony or FRIDAY to run and check on this. They were kicking themselves.
“Oh well……um” trailed off Wanda, not quite sure what to tell you.
“It the anniversary of when you first joined the team, of course!” lied Nat “We always go out as a team for a meal around this time if we can, you normally book it as you know the best places to eat”
“Oh, right” you replied, kind of sadly, you thought there might be more and couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed. “Guess I’ll go and book a table for us all then, as its tradition, plus will be nice to eat out for a change” you mustered a smile and left Wanda and Nat in the gym to go make a few enquires.
Nat pulled out her mobile from her duffel bag, “Steve, we have an issue, we all need to meet, now!” informed Nat before hanging up and looking at a concerned Wanda.
==========
You sat out on the balcony, a cool breeze blowing as the sun was setting across the grounds, it was beautiful, this had always been your favourite time of day, the sky in colours of red and gold, without realising you were rubbing your finger where your wedding band once sat.
Your mind fuzzy, you saw marquees and fairy lights adorning the grounds of the compound, arches full of roses, candles and petals led you down the garden. You saw the whole team there, dressed in their best, Bucky, Tony, Thor, Clint and even Loki were all dressed in suits and ties, Scott had the biggest cheesiest grin on his face, it was although he was meeting Captain America all over again, he was so star struck.
Nat, Wanda, Pepper and Laura, all wearing beautiful dresses, Nat and Wanda’s were matching so assuming you were at a wedding of someone’s. The only person who seemingly weren’t there was Steve. You continued to walk along the petal’s pathway, and saw someone standing at the end of the aisle, you couldn’t make out their face, with their back to you.
“Y/N?” a voice broke your dream? Memory? Looking up it was Wanda, “You ok?” she asked, the look of concern etched on her face, she tried not to use her powers but could feel from your energy that you were troubled.
“Oh um, I think so” you replied, still a little dazed from what you had just saw, you shook your head, “I keep having flashes, not sure what they are, they seem like dreams, it’s so confusing” you rubbed your hand through your hair.
“Why don’t you write these flashes down, you can always speak to me about them, maybe I can help fill in any blanks, or you can ask Tony to speak with the company psychiatrist, but I think it would help to talk about them, maybe make things clearer for you” she spoke softly, resting a hand on your knee “come here” she opened her arms wide, pulling you into a big bear hug.
“Thanks, Wan, you’re right” you smiled, returning the hug
“Of course, I am” she replied with an eye roll and a smirk.
In the days that followed you had written up the flashes or dreams in your journal, as Wanda had suggested, it had helped to process them, you managed to link a few of them together to the same party thrown by Tony, or a day trip to the beach you and the team had enjoyed, your physiatrist has thought it was a brilliant idea.
You felt lighter, lifted somehow, you hadn’t yet taken Wanda up on her offer to talk about them, you had discussed them in your therapy sessions but you still wanted time to process these yourself.
Nat, Wanda and Laura had taken you out for the day, a girl’s day they had called it, shopping, lunch and an afternoon at a spa getting pampered. Steve had found your journal on the kitchen counter where you had left it that morning, in too much of a hurry to enjoy your day with the girls.
Steve came into the kitchen, noticing your journal on the counter, curiosity getting the better of him he picked it up and began reading, he was so enthralled by your writing he didn’t hear Bucky come in behind him, sweaty from a work out.
“Mmm hmmm” Bucky cleared his throat, making Steve jump and drop your journal on the floor.
“Shit Buck what are you doing creepy up to a 100-year-old man!” Steve remarked, holding his chest, “You’re lucky I didn’t try to hit you”
Bucky chuckled “I think I’ll survive, anyway you wouldn’t hurt your best bud” she chided with a grin, walking past Steve and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and drinking down half the bottle.
Steve picked up your journal placing it back on the side, as Bucky side eyed him. “What’s got you so engrossed anyway, are you reading one of the girls’ dirty books?” teased Bucky.
“What! No of course not, what makes you think that? It’s, it’s just a book, one of Y/N’s” Steve’s rambles made Bucky even more inquisitive.
“One of Y/N’s? what like her diary?” asked Bucky, downing the rest of the bottle of water and putting the bottle in the recycling, before heading over to the counter next to Steve and picking up the journal.
“No, she calls them flashes or dreams, but reading it I know they are memories of the last 5 years, she’s starting to remember, there is even a bit about our wedding day” Steve sounded a little frustrated, that you can remember things but from the things he read, you hadn’t yet remembered anything about your life with him, or your 5 years of marriage.
Seeing Steve’s frustration, Bucky sighed “Hey, why don’t ya speak with the doctors and see if they think it’s a good idea if you help her remember, if they say it’s good, I have an idea” his eyes twinkling and a grin on his face.
==========
“Nat!” you whined, “Do I have to! I just want to spend the day in my pj’s watching Disney films and eating my weight in chocolate” you pulled the bed covers back over your head, burying your face in the pillows.
The covers felt lighter as they lifted from your body, “Wanda!” you shouted as the covers floated away from you and practically clung to the ceiling.
Wanda and Nat laughing, “I hate you both” you muttered as you padded grumpily past them and into the bathroom, slamming the door “And wash your hair!” yelled Nat, she and Wanda high fiving as Wanda put the covers back on your bed.
An hour later you were dressed white lacey short dress with a burgundy silk belt and white flower, which Nat had picked for you.
“Nat, you sure I have to wear this? It looks like a wedding dress!” you whined.
“Y/N you look beautiful” beamed Wanda as she pinned your hair in place, she had chosen a simple look, she had curled your hair into soft wavy curls and pinned half your hair up, the other half resting delicately on your shoulders.
Even you couldn’t help but admire yourself in the mirror, all three of you were looking amazing, dressed in your best, the girls telling you it was for a surprise party Tony was throwing for Pepper.
There was a knock at the door, Laura popped her head around the door, “You guys ready” she beamed.
One last check of each other’s dresses and makeup and you were out the door.
Headed downstairs, Nat stopped you at the bottom, holding up a silk piece of material. “Y/N, we kinda lied to you, this isn’t for Pepper and I need to put this blindfold on you now before we go outside” she grinned an mischievous glint in her eyes.
“Wait, what” but before you could protest, Nat had covered your eyes with the material, Wanda using her powers to hold your hands down preventing you from touching the blindfold.
Blindfolded, they led you outside, the fresh air, warm sun and scent of flowers hitting your senses. 
“Nat! Wanda! What are you up to! Get this thing off m…” your words failing to leave your lips as the blindfold was removed, and your hands released. You blinked at the bright sunlight, as your eyes adjusted you could see the grounds had been decorated with hundreds of roses, of all colours.
You stood shocked for a moment, it was just like your dream, the gardens decorated with awnings and drapes, roses and a pathway of petals.
============
“You ready?” asked Bucky, he Steve and Tony were standing at the end of the gardens, a beautiful archway decorated with your favourite colour rose stood behind him. An aisle leading to where they stood waiting.
“I just hope this works, I hope she’s ok with this” replied Steve, his voice a little shaky, his hands resting on his hips as he stared out at the group of people sat in the ivory seats either side of the aisle. He and Bucky in the Navy suits they had previously worn on yours and Steve’s wedding day.
Only the Avenger’s had been invited, plus a few closer friends, they didn’t want to overwhelm you with masses of people.
Thor raised his hip flask to Steve as he caught his gaze, Loki sitting beside him rolling his eyes, even though he wouldn’t admit it Loki always had a soft spot for you, he was pleased to be apart of this day for you.
Tony patting Steve on the shoulder, brought his attention back from starting at the end of the aisle, waiting, hoping to see you appear.
“She’ll be here, she’ll remember and she’ll love it” reassured Tony. Steve giving him a smile in acceptance.
==========
Laura having taken her seat with Clint and her family, Nat and Wanda stood with you, you were sat on the decking outside of the Compound staring around at the decorations in the garden.
“I dreamt this, I remembered this, a few weeks ago. I..I thought it must have been a dream, but it’s exactly the same. I was remembering my wedding day, wasn’t I?” you asked them, a frown on your face.
“Yes, Y/N, we wanted to do something to help you remember, we know how hard this has been for you, we wanted to show you how much we are here for you, all of us, and one of us in particular” replied Wanda, resting her hand on yours in you lap.
You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath, then a flash before your eyes, you were back in your ‘dream’ walking further down the aisle, the man at the end turning to face you and huge smile on his face, matching the one on yours. You could see the love within the twinkle in his eyes as he saw you for the first time in that beautiful white gown, your dress that day a lot different to the one you wore today.
“Steve” you whispered, opening your eyes. Nat and Wanda’s face breaking out in massive smiles
“You remember!” breathed Nat with a sigh of relief.
“I remember” you rubbed your finger where your wedding band used to sit. “I remember our first date, Steve was so nervous” you chuckled “He took me dancing then we had a walk through the park, it was twilight, it was then that I told Steve it was my favourite time of day because of the beautiful colours in the skies, he proposed in the same park at twilight 6 months later, he had dressed the trees with fairy lights and drapes, just like….. just like the gardens today”
Nat and Wanda pausing for a moment, looking at you, “It’s up to you Y/N, do you want to go through with this? No one is forcing you into anything, we just want you to remember”
You looked at Nat as she spoke, then back out around the grounds.
===========
Music began playing making Steve and Bucky to turn and stare at the aisle, Steve’s breath hitching in his throat as you came around the corner, Nat and Wanda just ahead of you. Smiles on all three of your faces, everyone stood as you made your way down the petal strewn aisle, Tony grinning at you, he had been like a father to you.
Bucky patted Steve on the shoulder, Steve looked at him with the shit eating ‘I told you so’ grin on his face, before turning his gaze back to you. You looked so beautiful, his heart pounding in his chest as you go nearer and nearer, stopping just in front of him.
“You ready for this?” he asked softly.
You smiled at him, it was as though the last few months since the accident had never happened, it was the way you had looked at him before, the way that made his heart sing and his stomach flutter.
All you could do was nod and smile as Steve took your hand, placing a soft kiss to it. He led you forward to stand in front of Tony.
“Friends, family, we be gathered here today…….” Began Tony.
==========
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moonykat · 3 years
Note
Let’s play with memory:
- first memory or drawing something with intent
- first memory of Steve and Bucky
- first memory of learning about fanfiction!
Osjdjsj okay okay :D
1. First memory of drawing something with intent. I must have been 12 or 13 when I started sketching some (emo) fashion designs in my school notebooks. Before then I never really paid much attention to drawing as something other than just a hobby. However, it was back in 2017 when I purposely began posting my art online
2. First memory of Steve and Bucky. I'm going to get hate for this lmao, okay so my older sister and her bf take me to the cinemas to see this Captain America movie back in 2014. Before that I'm a big fan of Loki, I've watched some marvel films and even tfa but didn't give it much attention. So, I'm there watching the best film in marvel history (although I didn'tknow it yet), but I'm like oh cool, and then the "I'm with you till the end of the line" part comes ... and I *sighs* just think it was a rip off of Supernatural's Swan Song episode where Sam's punching his brother to death but then he remembers who Dean is and doesn't kill him. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WAS MY FIRST REACTION????? that???????? I know I'm still getting some karma from my dumb 2014 self sjsjsj, my friends to this day make fun of me for that. But, as with all good stories, life proved me wrong, and turned me into a hardcore stucky truther who will forever regret no having appreciated Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) the way she should've the first time she saw it.
3. First memory of learning about fanfiction. Okay so I'm 14, and I'm a big fan of the Jonas brothers (rn I'm 25) and I find a y/n fic about them coming to my country. Istg that was my first interaction with fics lmao. Y/n fics are not exactly my cup of tea, but they have this place in my heart for that one being the one who taught me what fanfiction was.
Thanks for the questions!! This was fun <3
*** Anonymously message me (3) things you want to know about me ***
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cordaloo · 4 years
Text
"Before sharing my thoughts on the passing of the great Chadwick Boseman, I first offer my condolences to his family who meant so very much to him. To his wife, Simone, especially.
I inherited Marvel and the Russo Brothers’ casting choice of T’Challa. It is something that I will forever be grateful for. The first time I saw Chad’s performance as T’Challa, it was in an unfinished cut of CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR. I was deciding whether or not directing BLACK PANTHER was the right choice for me. I’ll never forget, sitting in an editorial suite on the Disney Lot and watching his scenes. His first with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, then, with the South African cinema titan, John Kani as T’Challa’s father, King T’Chaka. It was at that moment I knew I wanted to make this movie. After Scarlett’s character leaves them, Chad and John began conversing in a language I had never heard before. It sounded familiar, full of the same clicks and smacks that young black children would make in the States. The same clicks that we would often be chided for being disrespectful or improper. But, it had a musicality to it that felt ancient, powerful, and African. 
In my meeting after watching the film, I asked Nate Moore, one of the producers of the film, about the language. “Did you guys make it up?” Nate replied, “that’s Xhosa, John Kani’s native language. He and Chad decided to do the scene like that on set, and we rolled with it.” I thought to myself. “He just learned lines in another language, that day?” I couldn’t conceive how difficult that must have been, and even though I hadn’t met Chad, I was already in awe of his capacity as actor. 
I learned later that there was much conversation over how T’Challa would sound in the film. The decision to have Xhosa be the official language of Wakanda was solidified by Chad, a native of South Carolina, because he was able to learn his lines in Xhosa, there on the spot. He also advocated for his character to speak with an African accent, so that he could present T’Challa to audiences as an African king, whose dialect had not been conquered by the West. 
I finally met Chad in person in early 2016, once I signed onto the film. He snuck past journalists that were congregated for a press junket I was doing for CREED, and met with me in the green room. We talked about our lives, my time playing football in college, and his time at Howard studying to be a director, about our collective vision for T’Challa and Wakanda. We spoke about the irony of how his former Howard classmate Ta-Nehisi Coates was writing T’Challa’s current arc with Marvel Comics. And how Chad knew Howard student Prince Jones, who’s murder by a police officer inspired Coates’ memoir Between The World and Me.
I noticed then that Chad was an anomaly. He was calm. Assured. Constantly studying. But also kind, comforting, had the warmest laugh in the world, and eyes that seen much beyond his years, but could still sparkle like a child seeing something for the first time.    
That was the first of many conversations. He was a special person. We would often speak about heritage and what it means to be African. When preparing for the film, he would ponder every decision, every choice, not just for how it would reflect on himself, but how those choices could reverberate. “They not ready for this, what we are doing…” “This is Star Wars, this is Lord of the Rings, but for us… and bigger!” He would say this to me while we were struggling to finish a dramatic scene, stretching into double overtime. Or while he was covered in body paint, doing his own stunts. Or crashing into frigid water, and foam landing pads. I would nod and smile, but I didn’t believe him. I had no idea if the film would work. I wasn’t sure I knew what I was doing. But I look back and realize that Chad knew something we all didn’t. He was playing the long game.  All while putting in the work. And work he did. 
He would come to auditions for supporting roles, which is not common for lead actors in big budget movies. He was there for several M’Baku auditions. In Winston Duke’s, he turned a chemistry read into a wrestling match. Winston broke his bracelet. In Letitia Wright’s audition for Shuri, she pierced his royal poise with her signature humor, and would bring about a smile to T’Challa’s face that was 100% Chad. 
While filming the movie, we would meet at the office or at my rental home in Atlanta, to discuss lines and different ways to add depth to each scene. We talked costumes, military practices. He said to me “Wakandans have to dance during the coronations. If they just stand there with spears, what separates them from Romans?” In early drafts of the script. Eric Killmonger’s character would ask T’Challa to be buried in Wakanda. Chad challenged that and asked, what if Killmonger asked to be buried somewhere else?
Chad deeply valued his privacy, and I wasn’t privy to the details of his illness. After his family released their statement, I realized that he was living with his illness the entire time I knew him. Because he was a caretaker, a leader, and a man of faith, dignity and pride, he shielded his collaborators from his suffering. He lived a beautiful life. And he made great art. Day after day, year after year. That was who he was. He was an epic firework display. I will tell stories about being there for some of the brilliant sparks till the end of my days. What an incredible mark he’s left for us.
I haven’t grieved a loss this acute before. I spent the last year preparing, imagining and writing words for him to say, that we weren’t destined to see. It leaves me broken knowing that I won’t be able to watch another close-up of him in the monitor again or walk up to him and ask for another take. 
It hurts more to know that we can’t have another conversation, or facetime, or text message exchange. He would send vegetarian recipes and eating regimens for my family and me to follow during the pandemic.  He would check in on me and my loved ones, even as he dealt with the scourge of cancer. 
In African cultures we often refer to loved ones that have passed on as ancestors. Sometimes you are genetically related. Sometimes you are not. I had the privilege of directing scenes of Chad’s character, T’Challa, communicating with the ancestors of Wakanda. We were in Atlanta, in an abandoned warehouse, with bluescreens, and massive movie lights, but Chad’s performance made it feel real. I think it was because from the time that I met him, the ancestors spoke through him. It’s no secret to me now how he was able to skillfully portray some of our most notable ones. I had no doubt that he would live on and continue to bless us with more. But it is with a heavy heart and a sense of deep gratitude to have ever been in his presence, that I have to reckon with the fact that Chad is an ancestor now. And I know that he will watch over us, until we meet again."
- Ryan Coogler
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lowkeysebastianstan · 4 years
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let’s talk about basic screenwriting rules and a little thing called chekov’s gun, or planting and payoff.
let me begin by saying that i do not object to sam being captain america, i do think he was the better choice, it’s a big step for representation and both sam and mackie deserve both that and more (crossing my fingers they actually do him justice, but whatever.) with that out of the way, let’s talk screenwriting. 
okay. so christopher markus and stephen mcfeely have graced us with the scripts for all the movies which feature bucky, and sam for that matter. if we disregard post-credit scenes and cameos, those films are ca: tfa, ca: tws, ca: cw, a: iw and a: eg. (in addition does sam feature in a: ou, but tbh i’ve not seen that in so long i cannot really remember how much he’s in it. it doesn’t really matter, let’s move on.)
now, when telling a coherent story, it’s important to keep track of all plot threads, to make them weave in and out, and to focus on what helps you tell the story
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there are many ways to do this, but cinema, as an extremely contained type of media is particularly dependant on using every prop or setpiece consciously, and there are some guidelines or rules that make it easier
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that helps the screenwriters and the directors to decide what to include in any given scene, what to emphasise, what to steer the audience’s attention towards
this specific rule is called chekov’s gun, or planting and payoff
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it’s named for anton chekov, a russian playwright and short-story writer, who is considered to be among the greatest writers of short fiction in history
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who said: “If, in the first chapter, you say there is a gun hanging on the wall, you should make quite sure that it is going to be used further on in the story." 
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so it’s a rule where information, in form of clues or objects, are given early on, then brought back later. this is also known as foreshadowing
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the way it works is that you introduce an object, a word, an image, something that later in the story will be of significance   
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then, depending on the amount of time that passes, you either need a reminder
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or you don’t
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but either way it will give the story a thread that can be followed, sometimes discreetly, sometimes obvious, but that (almost) always results in a natural and rewarding conclusion
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it’s the most common way to avoid a “deus ex machina”, aka, a contrived plot device, where the outcome seems unearned and to come out of nowhere (yes, i know sam becomes cap in the comics, that will be addressed further down)
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now, again, i have to repeat, i totally agree with the decision to make sam captain america, that is not the point
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the point is neither that “ooohhh some of those are from a trailer and a deleted scene, and besides it doesn’t matter bc bucky didn’t pick up the shield in endgame anyway, so”
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the point is, however, that the mcu is a contained story that culminated with avengers endgame in 2019. the part of this story that involves captain america, is 100% written, and 80% directed by the same creators, markus and mcfeely, and the russo brothers.
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and so one might ask then, when the same people have been in complete control of a cohesive franchise, when they apparently are experienced and celebrated in their field, when they have proven, on occasion, that they are capable in their craft, or, at the very least, not likely to make such a basic mistake as to plant and remind again and again, that one character will pick up the mantle and then at the last second give it to the other.
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when they write a character to be tortured and abused, that have never done anything villainous when in control of their own mind, and then claim
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“Both of them have picked up [the shield] in the comics; Bucky and Sam. But, when you look back at “The First Avenger” and realize why he was chosen to be the first super soldier, it’s about a certain purity at heart and a certain inner heroism. It’s pretty hard to give it to Bucky. As much as we love him, he is on the dark path and is recovering from that. Sam really is a truly stand up guy. It wasn’t a wildly difficult choice, certainly. I think Bucky has a lot more story as Bucky and as someone headed on a path of atonement. And Sam has ascended into this new role.“
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so yeah. it was never about whether or not sam deserves it, that he’s in any way the lesser choice. it’s about how the creators of this franchise had an outlined story, had character arcs decided and then saw that they had, inadvertently or not, created a story with connotations they didn’t dare pursue. so instead of actually following through on their own premise, they pulled away at the end to avert attention from their mistake and seemingly forgot what story they had begun to tell. 
to plant an idea so blatantly as they did when it came to bucky and the shield, knowing that, even if not all, a lot of fans would know about bucky taking the mantle in the comics and then give it to sam, who, even though he also gets it in the comics, hasn’t been set up in that way at all in the mcu. 
again, and i cannot stress this enough lest y’all pull out your pitchforks and have at me, this is not about sam. this is only about markus, mcfeely and joe and anthony russo being bad storytellers that cannot keep to one of the most basic principles in movie making 101 and because of that delivered a crap product. in many more ways than this, but since i felt like wasting a couple of hours, this is what i used as an example. 
as a last note, not only does sam deserve it and is the better choice both in-universe and out, mackie deserves it, no doubt about that. it’s comic canon, just as much as bucky, (although bucky gets it first, just sayin), and it’s a very important stride towards more diversity and representation in the mcu. i support it 100%.
even so, i have to admit, that not only did sebastian also deserve it, but that he’s been kinda screwed over by marvel, the plants weren’t only for bucky, but also for him.
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“They sure like to dangle a cheese in front of my nose a lot,” Sebastian Stan said during the Winter Soldier press tour. “They're like 'Oh yeah, that's where you pick up the shield,' and I'm like, 'Yeah, I've heard that one before. There it is again.'” 
In 2016, Stan told Nerdist: “You know, I was sitting there in a room with [Marvel] and basically they were saying to me that this is what’s gonna happen: He’s gonna be the Winter Soldier, and then eventually he’s gonna become Captain America.
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imsebastianstan "Excuse me...where's the restroom?" A big thank you and shout out to Casey McBroom shield_labs for making this for me. Will come in handy... #wintersoldier #marvel 
Nov. 28 2016.
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martelldoran · 3 years
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Hello sweet Ali, I haven't given anyone an ask in an age so you're getting my lonely ask today 😘 for the stucky asks - 7, 20 & 46 because I can never ask one...
my love! hello dearest! i hope you're having a good sunday. 😌
and i feel quite special getting such a rare ask. i shall cherish it. 💖💖💖
now onto the questions!
7. What is a stucky scene or flashback you’d have loved to see in the films?
oh god so many but here's what comes to mind. first, i would have wanted to see something from when they were kids, more specifically with sarah because she was so important to steve and his character and we just saw none of that? there would have been so much scope for it. allow me to set the scene, they're ten or there abouts, skinny, all knobbly joints and hair that stubbornly sticks up at the back. the boys come limping into the kitchen with skinned knees and split lips. they've been in a fight--it doesn't matter what about just that it happened--and sarah is there in the kitchen and she's fierce and she's loving, jabbing antiseptic into the cuts and gently stroking their unruly hair in equal measure.
"the other boys started it, ma! they were bein' mean, callin' us names," the boy babble, voices overlapping in their excitement. Sarah just looks at them, lips pursed, eyebrow cocked, and the boys fall silent, sneaking glances all the way.
"well, did ye end it?" she asks, eye flickering between them and a cotton ball hovering above their knees.
"aye," spits steve, a grin breaking across his flushed face. "sent andrew mcguire running home with his tail between his legs."
and sarah smiles, eyes ablaze. "good," she says and kisses him firm on the forehead.
and it would have been as easy as that. some time flashback to show how important she was, where the stubbornness comes from. is this actually a stucky scene? am i actually answering your question? i'm not sure i am. 😂
20. How did you discover stucky?
in 2014, post captain america: the winter soldier. i came out of the cinema and was just floored by the depth of their relationship and the tragedy of it. then i got on tumblr and there was a mere suggestion of them as a couple and I fell for it hook line and sinker. it's been my longest running ship and is pretty ride or die at this point. they're pretty much the reason i got into marvel as a whole.
46. How many stucky WIPs do you have?
kel, my love, are you trying to expose me here? yes, i rather think you are. off the top of my head i think i have four or five. two are active, the others are more so on the back burner. i probably have more lurking tho. 😂
thank you so much for playing, kel!
send me stucky asks!
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pass-the-bechdel · 4 years
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Marvel Cinematic Universe: Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
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Does it pass the Bechdel Test?
Yes, once.
How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?
Nine (25.71% of cast).
How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?
Twenty-six.
Positive Content Rating:
Three.
General Film Quality:
For a movie which is pretty much wall-to-wall fight scenes...I love it. I always start out going ‘maybe I overrate this movie, maybe it’s not as good as I remember’, but by the end, I’m right back in there.
MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:
Passing the Bechdel:
Wanda apologises to Natasha for lying. It’s a close call.
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Female characters:
Pepper Potts.
F.R.I.D.A.Y
Gamora.
Mantis.
Wanda Maximoff.
Natasha Romanoff.
Okoye.
Nebula.
Shuri.
Male characters:
Ebony Maw.
Thanos.
Thor.
Loki.
Heimdall.
Bruce Banner.
Stephen Strange.
Wong.
Tony Stark.
Peter Parker.
Ned.
Peter Quill.
Rocket.
Drax.
Groot.
Vision.
Steve Rogers.
Sam Wilson.
The Collector.
Thaddeus Ross.
James Rhodes.
T’Challa.
Bucky Barnes.
Eitri.
Red Skull.
M’Baku.
OTHER NOTES:
Heimdall had proven himself too much of an MVP in previous films to be allowed to live in this one. Bastards.
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Heimdall and Loki, both dead before the opening titles. That’s how you know this movie means business, it’s not faking at high stakes.
I also am from space and have come here to steal a necklace from a wizard.
“Mr Stark, it smells like a new car in here!”
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“All words are made up.”
Not gonna lie, when I saw this at the cinema and I realised that Captain America had arrived? My heart LEAPT. It was intense.
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Depressed Thor is a great touch - after all previous films with Thor had him so bland, and then Ragnarok made him funny but essentially glossed over any of the difficult emotions it was dredging up, I’m glad to finally get something real and meaty from the character. If characters go through all manner of Hell and don’t show any signs of labouring under that weight, you’re doing character development wrong.
Nice callback with Red Skull.
The sacrifice of Gamora on Vormir is a really well-balanced piece; it was asking a lot, to make the emotion of it land despite how little of Thanos we’ve seen before, and without genuine emotion at it’s core it’s just the killing off of a female character for shock value. I feel like they got the pitch just right (most thanks to the music).
As much as I enjoy Thor and Rocket’s bantering, the side-quest for Stormbreaker feels like an unnecessary and over-the-top distraction in an already stuffed-full film. Easily the weakest part of the plot.
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The fact that Quill fucks everything up with defeating Thanos on Titan because he can’t keep himself under control for two seconds certainly does not endear him to me in the slightest. Like ok, you’re upset, but if you can’t stop yourself from getting violent that’s on you, that makes you a dangerous person with serious issues, that’s not normal and it’s not ok. Also, literally half of all life in the universe was at stake. So there’s that.
Listen, I’m very susceptible to heroism (and that’s why superhero movies work for me), so every time someone comes to someone else’s rescue, I have feelings. 
I had convinced myself that somehow, Thanos wouldn’t succeed with his whole plan in this movie, that he would get all the stones but that he would like, go to a special place or something before enacting his plan, so that the good guys would have a chance to regroup and race to stop him before it was too late, all that jazz. So (even though Thanos had already snapped at that point), when Bucky Barnes disintegrated before our very eyes, I was SHOCKED. That got me like a smack in the face.
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Considering I’ve never really been a fan of Tom Holland’s Spider-man, it’s a credit to his work that Peter’s death scene is so effective. That’s acting.
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So, what makes this movie work despite being so heavy with bombastic action? The short answer is: it’s because the good guys lose. I’ve made no secret of being a fan of the ‘hour darkest before the dawn’ in storytelling, so this is playing to the sweet spot for me there, but it’s not as simple as just making everything miserable and hopeless. In this case, specifically, the lead-up to that ultimate failure is key; it’s gotta still feel like a superhero extravaganza, even as it takes an increasingly dark turn. The action works because it’s part of what we signed up for (the best camouflage for subversions of the traditional model), and it works because it’s all carrying the story forward - the Infinity War is comprised of multiple battles, and because of the way the pieces of the narrative are separated, the characters don’t know how any of the other battles are turning out; everyone is just trying to fight what’s in front of them and defend the stone in their midst, they don’t have the option to sit around doom-and-glooming and restrategising as news of each defeat comes in. Rather than dragging us wholesale from Point A to B to C in ever-escalating stakes and complications, the writers have had the good sense to spread things out and let things fall apart for our heroes (and the universe) in multiple smaller pieces until they reach a cumulative critical mass. Consequently, instead of feeling as though we’re sitting there watching things go from bad to worse, the audience forms this false sense of security in the action; it’s a superhero movie, after all. We expect them to work it all out in the end, to build toward a moment of apparent hopelessness (a darkest hour before the dawn), and then to rally triumphantly for the big win. As such, we perceive small victories (i.e. the defeat of Thanos’ various ‘children’, the creation of Stormbreaker, the way things draw out in the battle on Titan) as if they are more significant, as if they are signs leading us to that big win; without those small, expected victories, the ultimate failure would not hit as hard, because after two and a half hours of watching the good guys get wrecked without a chance, what surprise would there be in the snap?
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Of course, plenty of viewers knew about the snap already or expected an ultimate failure of some sort based on the fact that we pretty much all knew that this was the first half of our grand Avengers finale (my mother, who is not a superhero movie fan, did not know what she was getting into and was...very shocked), so it’s important that the film still works to engage us on a character level so that the good guys losing in the end can hit like a ton of bricks even if you knew it was coming (and even though you no doubt expected to get the big win eventually, once Endgame came out). After all the fighting and the bantering, all the usual stuff we expect to see our heroes go through in the course of an average adventure, having them then watch their beloved friends/allies/whatever literally disintegrate before their eyes in a quiet, drawn out scene of devastation is a magnificent piece of cinema, communicating the shock not only of the event itself, but of the complete disruption to the superhero status quo. It’s not just that good guys don’t lose like this, it’s that they don’t lose with a whimper instead of a a bang. It’s not only that the cost of failure has never been this high; it’s also that they have never been forced to watch it play out with such inevitability; they have never before been rendered so powerless. If the entire film had the tone of the last ten minutes, it wouldn’t work so well, it’d just be a drudge and the audience would be desensitised by the end. By the same token, if the rest of the film had not planted the seeds of the finale so thoroughly in all its smaller losses and smokescreen victories, the ending would not be so horrifically fitting.
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Neither, of course, would the ending be so affecting, if we were not as attached to the characters as we are. We have many, many films worth of history with most of them, or at least one solid encounter in which to become attached, and even in a movie chock-full of more characters than any other before, everyone gets a chance to show their personality and remind us why we care if they live or die. I’m not going to argue for this being an incredible character piece (nor is it pretending to be one), but it plays its very large hand very well, putting emphasis where it needs to be without overloading or unbalancing the story. As I noted above, I was particularly impressed with the way Thanos was handled, considering our exposure to him previously was very minimal and it was left up the this film to build his ethos as well as his relationships with his ‘children’ almost from scratch, creating complexity and simplicity without falling into the trap of trying to make the villain sympathetic; Thanos isn’t necessarily relatable (nor does he need to be), but he is understandable in that we’ve all probably encountered at least one person who holds the same limited worldview and is somehow convinced that they could ‘fix’ everything, given the power. Thanos isn’t actually aiming for universal domination in the traditional sense, and it makes him more disturbing and more realistic as a villain, because his evil is not nebulous or purely self-serving; he is a true believer, and his delusions have an all-too-familiar ring about them, so as we watch him lumber and pontificate around the story, we get a clearly-drawn image of someone possessed of such basic and humble flaws that he is - again, without being treated as sympathetic - quite significantly humanised, despite all of the non-human elements that make up both his character, and his situation. Even as it planet-hops and draws upon cosmic magic, the narrative is grounded by a centrepiece of plain, ungodly fallibility. 
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Now, I recognise that in all of this praise for the way this film was executed, there isn't really anything to be said for it regarding the purpose of this blog; on the female representation front, it's not really doing anything (the fact that it juuust manages to pass the Bechdel and juuust over a quarter of its cast is female does not win it brownie points; its better than not having either of those things, but that's not a genuine achievement). The two female characters who were more prominently positioned in this movie are Gamora and Wanda; Gamora largely in context of her relationship with Thanos, and Wanda as Vision’s significant other and the means of his destruction. Notably, both women’s arcs are accessories to the arcs of male characters, which is not what we’re aiming for in good representation, though it does not exclude the possibility of quality content; Gamora’s role may have a lot to do with Thanos (not least, after he kills her), but it is still distinctly her own story, rich with emotion and coming to a surprising and depressing end which I felt struck the right chords to be compelling rather than an enraging disposal of one of the few female characters around (more on this after Endgame). Wanda’s presence leaves less of an impression, in terms of screen time, plot complication, and audience engagement, but all things considered I don’t think that was a terrible choice; Wanda and Vision’s relationship had been a somewhat sparse subplot in previous films and the chemistry was not strong, so I don’t think it would have been to the film’s benefit to try and expand on that relationship further than they did. As it was, there was enough there to sell the emotion, and nothing extraneous, and as much as I enjoy this movie, I wish I could say better things for its female representation than that. It is stuffed-full, and definitely not perfect, and space could have been made to pump up some of the other female characters’ roles more (the Earthbound characters get the least attention in the movie, and since basically all my faves are there it is a testament to how well this movie works for me that I enjoy it so much anyway, but a little more attention there would not have gone astray, especially since that’s where most of the female cast is). That said...I still really enjoy it, man. As far as popcorn action goes, this is top shelf.
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introvertguide · 4 years
Text
Casablanca (1942); AFI #3
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I am very proud to present the next film on the AFI list, Casablanca (1942). It is truly one of the best examples of fine film from Hollywood's Golden Age. I was surprised to find out that the film only received 3 Oscars and none for the acting. Lead actress Ingrid Bergman was actually nominated for another film that she had made that year (For Whom the Bell Tolls), but it is was highway robbery to think that Humphrey Bogart did not get a Best Actor award for this film. On the bright side, the 3 Oscars were for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay. But maybe it really isn’t a good idea to try and compare older films, but instead recognize a masterpiece for what it is. I would love to continue complimenting the movie, but first let me relay the story to you. Oh yeah. One other thing as well:
MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!! WE GOT ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME HERE!!! GO AND WATCH IT!!! DON’T LET ME SPOIL IT FOR YOU!!! SERIOUSLY!!!
The film starts out with stock footage and a map showing the plight of many Europeans and how they were being herded to Casablanca and looking for a way out to Lisbon and eventually to America. It is December 1941 and it is the height of the exodus in an attempt to escape Nazi invasion of France and any French colonies. In Casablanca, Morocco, there is an expatriate American that owns a bar in the city that serves both refugees and locals, French and German soldiers. Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) is the American and he is known for taking no sides and only looking out for his own best interest.
It is stated on the radio that two German couriers have been killed for their letters of transit and that people in Casablanca will pay top dollar (and by that I mean anything and everything) to get those papers so that they can leave the country. A conniving thief named Ugarte (played by the great Peter Lorre) entrusts Rick to hold on to the letters. Rick allows the local corrupt police captain Louis Renault (Claude Rains) to arrest the thief and Ugarte dies in jail before revealing who has the papers. Things are getting a little hot and Rick is considering leaving the country so he is very happy to have the letters. It would take a lot for him to even consider selling the letters...that is until...
The reason that Rick is so cold and cynical walks in the door and asks the piano player to play “As Time Goes By” and it becomes apparent that this women has hurt Rick and is his kryptonite. A flashback shows that the two had met and fallen in love in Paris. When the city was raided and Rick and Ilsa were supposed to leave together on a train, he only found a letter that said she could never see him again. Even worse, it turns out that the woman, Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman), is with her husband, the notorious Czech Resistance leader Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid) who is attempting to escape to Lisbon. A German major name Strasser has also arrived in Casablanca to make sure that Laszlo does not leave and ideally can be arrested or killed without making him into a martyr. 
To really exemplify how bad the situation has gotten, a couple of very short side stories show a young wife that is willing to sleep with the French captain in order to get a plane ticket for herself and her husband. At the bar, a proud French woman is drinking with a German soldier because she feels that some promiscuities might keep her safe and even get her out of Africa. Rick allows the young husband to cheat at roulette so that the wife can keep her honor and the two will have enough money to purchase a passport. Famously, the German that the promiscuous French woman is drinking with starts singing Die Wacht am Rhein and Laszlo asks the band to play La Marseillaise to drown out the German singing. Rick gives the OK, and the band plays the French nationalist song and causes a patriotic fervor, including the French woman who leaves her German partner and sings along with tears in her eyes. The German captain does not like this and tells Renault to close down the club, which he does.
Ilsa and Laszlo hear that Rick has the letters and she goes to try and get them. Rick does not want to give them up and she actually threatens to shoot him. She cannot follow through and she admits that she is still in love with Rick. It turns out that she was married before she met Rick and was under the impression that Laszlo had been killed when she was with Rick in Paris. She suddenly disappeared because she found out that he husband was alive and telling anyone where she was going would be a risk to both her and Rick. The bar owner finally melts off that icy crust. He is willing to give a letter to Laszlo and have Ilsa stay. However, Laszlo has been at a meeting that was broken up and he wants Rick to go with Ilsa to Lisbon to make sure she is safe.
Renault tries to arrest Laszlo on some fake charge that will only hold him the night, but Rick promises to set him up for a more serious crime. Rick pretends to turn on Laszlo, but he actually has used the time to arrange for Laszlo to leave on a plane that night. The German commander is informed and races over to the airport to stop everything and Renault is being held at gunpoint by Rick until Ilsa and Laszlo can leave. A final showdown occurs at the airport hanger where Rick is holding the two officers at bay while Laszlo and Ilsa leave. She is hesitant and that is when we get the famous “maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow” speech. It is beautiful and poignant, making for maybe the best couple of sentences of dialogue in American cinema. Strasser tries to warn the tower but Rick shoots and kills him. The French Captain tells his men to round up the usual subjects, not revealing who actually killed the German officer. Rick and the French captain walk away discussing what they will do next, ending the film with the famous line, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
I am so happy to have watched this film again because it puts me in a great mood every time that I see it. Not surprisingly, the AFI has a strong affinity for this film and gave it accolades whenever possible. The film was #37 on the top 100 thrills, #1 on the top 100 passions, #4 greatest film hero for Rick Blaine, #2 song for “As Time Goes By,” 6 different lines on the top 100 movie quotes, and #32 on the top 100 cheer films. I have to be a little careful when I watch this films because it has a carryover effect and can make the films I see immediately before and after seem like garbage. Speaking of which...
I was surprised watching All the President’s Men with how close to the actual event that the movie was produced, yet Casablanca did it even closer in time and did a much better job. There are stories of soldiers that joined the military after the bombing of Pearl Harbor and saw the film before leaving to take part in Project Torch, which was the Allied mission to retake North Africa including Casablanca. The IMDB trivia mentions that some of the actors that played the extra Nazi officers were German Jews that escaped to America. The actress that played the French woman who was cavorting with the German officers is shown crying during the famous French National Anthem scene...that wasn’t scripted. She was a French citizen who had family fighting against the Germans back home and she was upset. The German singing was supposed to be a Nazi rally song, but the film producers could not acquire the rights without having to deal directly with Nazi representatives and possibly pay royalties to the group. That sure as hell wasn’t happening so they picked a royalty free German song.
There were a lot of Americans in the US at the time that did not think that the Nazis were all that bad and were more focused on the clear and present danger of Japan. There were many people that were confused why the US was fighting in Africa when Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japan. At some level, this film served as a form of propaganda to help drum up support for the war in Europe and Africa. It worked well. The beginning intro to the film that explained the volatile situation in North Africa was news to many moviegoers at the time (it kind of was for me as well). 
I have spent the week praising this film, but I do have to point out a couple of egregious flaws with the special effects. There is a scene of Rick and Ilsa back in Paris and, since the country was occupied, there was no way lo film on location or even get any up-to-date establishing shots. Therefore, all they had was old background roll for driving and at a café, so that is what they two characters did in France: took a terrible looking car ride and sat at a café. It looks pretty terrible, but luckily it does not last and accounts for a very short portion of the film. They also couldn’t get permission to fly planes so low over Hollywood lots so they just paper used cutouts layered over the film to show the planes taking off and landing at the airstrip in Casablanca. It is blatant, but the movie is so old and is otherwise so perfect that it is more charming to me than anything else. 
So does this movie belong on the AFI top 100 as #3? Sure does. This is one of the quintessential American movies that should be seen. There was some discussion amongst my group of whether the film was too high because of films like Gone With the Wind and The Wizard of Oz being lower, but there was no argument that it is Top 5 as far as greatest American films. Do I recommend it? Of course! It is a time capsule of the 40s, it is an excellent story, it has quotes that are excepted as part of American English vernacular, and it stars two of the biggest actors in all of Hollywood cinema history. Please go and watch it. And tell me what you thought, because I have not had anybody who was sorry that they took the time for a viewing. You will thank me later.
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Ryan Coogler's tribute to Chadwick Boseman:
“Before sharing my thoughts on the passing of the great Chadwick Boseman, I first offer my condolences to his family who meant so very much to him. To his wife, Simone, especially.
I inherited Marvel and the Russo Brothers’ casting choice of T’Challa. It is something that I will forever be grateful for. The first time I saw Chad’s performance as T’Challa, it was in an unfinished cut of ‘Captain America: Civil War.’ I was deciding whether or not directing ‘Black Panther’ was the right choice for me. I’ll never forget sitting in an editorial suite on the Disney lot and watching his scenes. His first with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, then with the South African cinema titan, John Kani, as T’Challa’s father, King T’Chaka. It was at that moment I knew I wanted to make this movie. After Scarlett’s character leaves them, Chad and John began conversing in a language I had never heard before. It sounded familiar, full of the same clicks and smacks that young black children would make in the States. The same clicks that we would often be chided for being disrespectful or improper. But, it had a musicality to it that felt ancient, powerful, and African.
In my meeting after watching the film, I asked Nate Moore, one of the producers of the film, about the language. ‘Did you guys make it up?’ Nate replied, ‘That’s Xhosa, John Kani’s native language. He and Chad decided to do the scene like that on set, and we rolled with it.’ I thought to myself, ‘He just learned lines in another language, that day?’ I couldn’t conceive how difficult that must have been, and even though I hadn’t met Chad, I was already in awe of his capacity as actor.
I learned later that there was much conversation over how T’Challa would sound in the film. The decision to have Xhosa be the official language of Wakanda was solidified by Chad, a native of South Carolina, because he was able to learn his lines in Xhosa, there on the spot. He also advocated for his character to speak with an African accent, so that he could present T’Challa to audiences as an African king, whose dialect had not been conquered by the West.
I finally met Chad in person in early 2016, once I signed onto the film. He snuck past journalists that were congregated for a press junket I was doing for ‘Creed,’ and met with me in the green room. We talked about our lives, my time playing football in college, and his time at Howard studying to be a director, about our collective vision for T’Challa and Wakanda. We spoke about the irony of how his former Howard classmate Ta-Nehisi Coates was writing T’Challa’s current arc with Marvel Comics. And how Chad knew Howard student Prince Jones, [whose] murder by a police officer inspired Coates’ memoir ‘Between the World and Me.’
I noticed then that Chad was an anomaly. He was calm. Assured. Constantly studying. But also kind, comforting, had the warmest laugh in the world, and eyes that [saw] much beyond his years, but could still sparkle like a child seeing something for the first time.
That was the first of many conversations. He was a special person. We would often speak about heritage and what it means to be African. When preparing for the film, he would ponder every decision, every choice, not just for how it would reflect on himself, but how those choices could reverberate. ‘They not ready for this, what we are doing...’ ‘This is “Star Wars,” this is “Lord of the Rings,” but for us ... and bigger!’ He would say this to me while we were struggling to finish a dramatic scene, stretching into double overtime. Or while he was covered in body paint, doing his own stunts. Or crashing into frigid water, and foam landing pads. I would nod and smile, but I didn’t believe him. I had no idea if the film would work. I wasn’t sure I knew what I was doing. But I look back and realize that Chad knew something we all didn’t. He was playing the long game. All while putting in the work. And work he did.
He would come to auditions for supporting roles, which is not common for lead actors in big budget movies. He was there for several M’Baku auditions. In Winston Duke’s, he turned a chemistry read into a wrestling match. Winston broke his bracelet. In Letitia Wright’s audition for Shuri, she pierced his royal poise with her signature humor, and would bring about a smile to T’Challa’s face that was 100% Chad.
While filming the movie, we would meet at the office or at my rental home in Atlanta, to discuss lines and different ways to add depth to each scene. We talked costumes, military practices. He said to me, ‘Wakandans have to dance during the coronations. If they just stand there with spears, what separates them from Romans?’ In early drafts of the script, Eric Killmonger’s character would ask T’Challa to be buried in Wakanda. Chad challenged that and asked, ‘What if Killmonger asked to be buried somewhere else?’
Chad deeply valued his privacy, and I wasn’t privy to the details of his illness. After his family released their statement, I realized that he was living with his illness the entire time I knew him. Because he was a caretaker, a leader and a man of faith, dignity and pride, he shielded his collaborators from his suffering. He lived a beautiful life. And he made great art. Day after day, year after year. That was who he was. He was an epic firework display. I will tell stories about being there for some of the brilliant sparks till the end of my days. What an incredible mark he’s left for us.
I haven’t grieved a loss this acute before. I spent the last year preparing, imagining and writing words for him to say, that we weren’t destined to see. It leaves me broken knowing that I won’t be able to watch another close-up of him in the monitor again or walk up to him and ask for another take.
It hurts more to know that we can’t have another conversation, or FaceTime, or text message exchange. He would send vegetarian recipes and eating regimens for my family and me to follow during the pandemic. He would check in on me and my loved ones, even as he dealt with the scourge of cancer.
In African cultures we often refer to loved ones that have passed on as ancestors. Sometimes you are genetically related. Sometimes you are not. I had the privilege of directing scenes of Chad’s character, T’Challa, communicating with the ancestors of Wakanda. We were in Atlanta, in an abandoned warehouse with bluescreens and massive movie lights, but Chad’s performance made it feel real. I think it was because from the time that I met him, the ancestors spoke through him. It’s no secret to me now how he was able to skillfully portray some of our most notable ones. I had no doubt that he would live on and continue to bless us with more. But it is with a heavy heart and a sense of deep gratitude to have ever been in his presence, that I have to reckon with the fact that Chad is an ancestor now. And I know that he will watch over us, until we meet again.”
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