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#I really enjoyed that side b00b
v1xv4p0rub · 3 years
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Okay, I need some advice/help
So, lately I’ll find/see/hear something that makes me really happy, and most the time I’ll start shaking my arms really fast side to side, similarly to some videos of stimming I’ve seen. So I’m going to be using the word stimming to describe it (sorry if that’s rude). But if something makes me ‘stim’ enough times, it slowly becomes more and more dull. Like, I still enjoy it, but it’s effect wears off, and the most of a reaction I can honestly give it is a slight smile. It’s kinda upsetting because I realize something made me really happy, then after a week of it being my main serotonin source, I can tell that it doesn’t have as large of an effect. Which makes me feel like somethings wrong with me, because “If it made me so happy a few days ago, why doesn’t it have the same effect now? What am I doing wrong?” So I’ll try and act like it has the same effect, but that takes up so much energy, so I just feel worse. Is that normal, or...?
Also, on a slightly different note, I’ve been looking into a bunch of different neurodivergent things upon reading something that said most gifted kids/former gifted kids tend to be neurotypical, and I am/was one. But despite looking into it for hours on end for the past few weeks (though at this point I’m trying to distract myself), I feel bad relating to these things and identifying with them. One of the most common things that’ll happen is that I’ll be reading something about ADHD/ADD and I heavily relate to it, but then I’ll think “You’re just faking it. Even if you deal with the same/similar things, there’s no way that this is what you are. You’re just a neurotypical who wants to act like the universe is against you. You have so much good in your life that you’re not grateful for. Besides, haven't you said yourself that people shouldn’t self diagnose? Hypocrite.” So then I have a mental breakdown and my tics (I have been diagnosed with those) start acting up as I sob in a pathetic ball on my bed. So, I asked my mom to get me therapy, but she hasn't really gotten far. And keep in mind, a lot of my family doesn’t believe in doctors, so I can’t ask them. I found that out the hard way and they kept telling me thing like “But you’re so smart for your age!”, “Get over yourself.”, “Doctors don’t know sh*t.”, and more. Which led me to have a mental breakdown after isolating myself, because I can’t cope with any rejection.
Though, my father’s (Not my dad’s) side of the family is prone to issues, mental and otherwise (My grandma: Social anxiety and bipolar, my Father: Bipolar and seizures, my aunt: ADHD, and etc. Plus, my mother has OCD, Anxiety, and Migraines {ALL OF THESE WERE DIAGNOSED}) I’m just not really comfortable with asking them.
The train by my house was being loud so I had to take a break from this. It was too loud, despite the fact that it was like the same volume as my music???
Anyways,
On top of all of that, I’ve been feeling sick every time somebody refers to me as she/her/princess/queen/etc. I’ve tried to talk to my mom about this, and she said “When I was your age, I didn’t like being female either, but I’m glad I didn’t change anything.” But she meant things like not enjoying periods/cramps, or having b00bs. But she doesn’t mean that she put on a dress and immediately had a breakdown before even looking in the mirror (I just sobbed harder as soon as I looked in the mirror btw). And my mother’s side of the family- yes, he same side that doesn’t believe in doctors- only believes in two genders. Luckily, Jess- my father’s fiance- got me a binder and is supper understanding. So I’ve got that going for me.
If you have any advice or anything, please tell me. I need some help/advice.
But it’s 2:03 AM, so Ima try and sleep, night.
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