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tentative-wanderer · 5 years

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Grandmaster of Legal Cultivation 律道祖师

Law Students + Flatmates AU. Enjoy!

The Exam Life + A Whole New World

“Lan Wangji.”

Pin-drop silence.

“Lan Zhan.”

The person in question remained as immutable as an ancient stone statue of the Buddha.

“Second Brother Lan~”

“WEI WUXIAN!” Jiang Cheng roared, slamming his evidence law notes onto the table.

Slightly cowed, Wei Wuxian gave him a sheepish glance, but mumbled: “I wasn’t calling you...”

“I don’t care if you were calling god or the devil; if you don’t shut the hell up, I swear I will stuff this book down your throat.”

Pursing his lips, Wei Wuxian surveyed the web-like blood vessels spreading across the whites of Jiang Cheng’s eyes and his tattoo-like eyebags. “I think you should take a break. If you keep this up, your mum is gonna bring a claim against the uni for inhuman and degrading treatment.”

Wei Wuxian didn’t think it was possible for any more blood to drain from Jiang Cheng’s pallid face, but Jiang Cheng managed it. “Shit, what article was that again? And what’s the relevant case...” Rubbing a hand wearily across his eyes, Jiang Cheng dragged his laptop towards himself and started typing. “E-C-H-R...”

“Article 3, Gafgen v Germany.” The glacial presence at the table finally broke his silence.

“Unfair! You answered him but not me, even though I was practically begging.” Wei Wuxian sprawled across his notes, his cheek on the paper.

“Focus,” said Lan Wangji, a hint of reproof in his tone. The exam on Thursday was looming over their heads like a storm cloud, yet Wei Wuxian didn’t seem to worry about whether or not he had an umbrella.

“I’ve been focusing for hours, it’s my break time now.” Wei Wuxian turned and prodded Jiang Cheng. “You two should stop for a while too. Especially you, zombie man.”

“If I stop now, I will sleep and never wake up again in this lifetime,” said Jiang Cheng darkly.

“I would offer you some coffee, but I’m afraid any more of that will kill you. Bubble tea instead.” Wei Wuxian got up and stretched like a cat, the line of his back a graceful arch. He met Lan Wangji’s quiet gaze and threw a mockingly sultry look in his direction. “Wanna come with me to...get some?”

Lan Wangji knew Wei Wuxian was talking about tea, but his brow creased slightly anyway, to Wei Wuxian’s delight. Still, Lan Wangji refrained from expressing any admonishments as he tidied his books and papers and stood up.

“Look how far you’ve come,” said Wei Wuxian approvingly as he ambled down the street, Lan Wangji at his side. “Just last year you would have called me ‘pathetic’ if I so much as twitched the wrong way. Now you can even tolerate innuendoes.”

Lan Wangji lowered his gaze. “Mm.”

“Speaking of coming so far, I can’t believe we’re already approaching the end of our second year. Have you figured out your plans after this degree?”

“No,” said Lan Wangji. But he knew Wei Wuxian had. Wei Wuxian was going to become a barrister, and an incredible one at that. Lan Wangji was sure of that. No one could tear their eyes away when Wei Wuxian gave his speeches in debates and moot competitions. He was confident, eloquent, and excellent at thinking on his feet. Furthermore, he was sociable—a soft skill that Lan Wangji had never realised was crucial for life and for most employment prospects in the field of law until he was in his late teens. By then, Lan Wangji was already an ice cube. An ice cube who was unsure if he was cut out to be a lawyer. Lan Wangji was a stoic and single-minded worker, not a socially adept energy-filled multitasker. That was Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian, Wei Wuxian. Wei Ying, who barged into his room on the first day and proceeded to shamelessly make himself comfortable on Lan Wangji’s chair, in Lan Wangji’s life, in his thoughts and dreams.

Had Lan Xichen not coerced him into renting a room in a shared flat instead of a single room in a student hall, things would have been so different. He wouldn’t have had the chance to listen to Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng’s surprisingly witty bickering at mealtimes, watch Jiang Cheng wrestle the last muffin from Wei Wuxian’s claws (“If you eat more you’ll explode! I refuse to clean your guts off the floor.”) and grumpily push it towards Lan Wangji, or be dragged out by Wei Wuxian to plays, pubs, tourist spots and social events. He wouldn’t have had the chance to hear Wei Wuxian ramble, sometimes randomly and sometimes earnestly, about his ideas, opinions, and ideals, and be bugged until he shared his own.

It would have been a dreary world.

“...Lan Zhan? Earth to Lan Zhan!” Startling out of his reverie, Lan Wangji turned to face Wei Wuxian. He realised that Wei Wuxian had extended a finger, presumably to poke his cheek, and now that finger was closing rapidly.

Wei Wuxian’s fingertip brushed against his lips.

“...Oops.” The culprit removed the offending appendage sheepishly.

It was only a brief touch, but it made Lan Wangji feel something that lasted longer than a careless brush should.

Lan Wangji wouldn’t put it past Wei Wuxian to quickly follow up with an offhand tease, but Wei Wuxian unexpectedly remained silent as they resumed walking.

EDIT: there’s a new ficlet for this AU :) click the #my mdzs fic tag to read it

#魔道祖师 #the founder of diabolism #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #my mdzs fic #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #lan wangji #wangxian #it’s hard to write LWJ #BC HE HARDLY TALKS #i admire mxtx for managing a character like him

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akira-seijuro · 4 years

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1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

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