#I probably—most definitely made grammar mistakes but its 3:30 am so… i think its okay

[gashinamoon]

Stuck With Each Other- an Olicity AU

Chapter 2

Rating: T

Words: 3065

Notes: Happy first day of June! Who else is a June bithday baby like me?

In true me fashion, you'll probably realise that although I said there was only going to be two chapters to this story, once again, it took on a mind of its own and now there's going to be 3. Maybe 4. We'll see. I'm just having so much fun with this!! And after reading, can you guess which classic trope is going to be in the next chapter??? ;)

Anyway! I hope you enjoy this! I'm still con-lagged (like jet lagged except after a convention, you know?) from HVFF over the weekend so any typos and grammar mistakes can be blamed on that. And the fact that I still don't have a beta. It's just me on my one woman team! Feel free to let me know your thoughts after you're done and if anyone wants to know any gossip from HVFF, feel free to follow me me on Twitter because its all I can talk about lately. Also! Precious little Emily Bett designed me a tattoo that I got done yesterday so you can see that on my Twitter too! I'm done rambling now... enjoy! 

Read on AO3

“Whoa, wait. How many of those are you ordering?"

"Six."

"Why six?"

"Well, three for me and three for you. This place closes in five minutes and I'm gonna need more than one coffee to make it through tonight without falling asleep on you. And I figured you needed that much too."

He stared at her, an almost bemused expression on his face.

"But of course you don't! You're probably not addicted to caffeine like I am and you look like you're already used to not getting any more than 2 hours sleep at night. Not that I'm saying you look tired. I mean, you do, but like, not in a bad way. Not in a bad way at all! Your face is totally not bad. Not bad at all…” She stared in horror at him as her brain caught up with what her mouth was saying. “Please feel free to stop me at any point! Any point right about 30 words ago would be perfect! Or just, you know, any point around the start of this entire conversation?”

Oliver laughed. He was laughing at her, again. Where was that metaphorical hole in the earth when she needed it?

"Maybe I'll just get two coffees," she smiled, embarrassed but feeling sort of warm inside. He had a nice laugh, even if hearing it was at her expense. "I don't think my brain needs anymore stimulating at the moment."

Oliver chuckled softly and leaned over the counter.

"We'll just take three coffees, please. Not six. I can pay by card, right?"

"Hey, wait! I'm paying! These are on me,"

"Felicity, it's fine. I won't miss 20 bucks,"

"Okay, but these are overpriced and you're only drinking one anyway! At least let me pay for my extra one,"

“Let me do something nice for you and buy these. Please?”

“Why do you want to do something nice for me?”

“Because this day was one of the most depressingly boring days in my entire life until you somehow ended up in it and I think that means I should buy you your coffee,” he smiled. “Please?”

God, he was cute. Like a little puppy. He definitely had eyes like a puppy. And usually guys had ulterior motives when they wanted to do something nice for her but Oliver had seemed genuine since the moment he started eavesdropping on her conversation. Which in itself was kind of ironic when she thought about it. Not to mention that if she said no, he’d probably annoy her about it until their flight finally did take off. He looked like the kind of person who could be extremely annoying beneath all the cute and she really didn't think she had the energy to put up with it.

“Fine. As long as you let me do something nice for you at some point tonight, okay?” She smiled, admitting defeat a lot quicker than she usually would. Felicity could be stubborn as hell when she wanted to be. “And thanks,” she added, gratefully.

Oliver returned her smile, except his smile looked more like the one of someone who’d just been offered a free round the world trip as he handed over his card to the cashier to ring up the coffees. Maybe she wasn't the only one who was so heavily influenced by sleep deprivation and lack of caffeine after all.

Speaking of caffeine… all of a sudden a piping hot cup of it was being handed to her and right then in that moment, she didn't care about her delayed flight or having embarrassed herself in front of two strangers in the last 15 minutes or the warnings on the news that the storm might cut out all the power in the city any second. She finally had her crappy cup of overpriced airport coffee and she was not letting anyone or anything ruin this moment for her.

“Do you want to sit down or- no, okay, you're just going to drink it right here,” Oliver said, but she barely heard him.

For a crappy and overpriced cup of airport coffee, she didn't think she’d ever tasted anything better. She didn't even care that it was kind of burning her mouth and throat as she gulped it down. She’d savour the second cup. This first cup was a matter of survival. She drank the first cup in 30 seconds flat, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand after swallowing the last gulp. Suddenly becoming aware of her surroundings and the fact that she’d acted like a complete freak in front of Oliver, she smiled sheepishly at him.

“That was amazing,” Oliver laughed. “I don't think I've ever seen anyone drink a burning hot cup of coffee quite so quickly before. I'm actually kind of worried. Are you sure you're okay?” He teased, leaning over and pressing his palm against her forehead in a gesture she assumed was him checking her temperature.

There go those nice hands again, Felicity thought to herself, fully enjoying the feel of them against her skin.

“I'm good. I'm fine. Kind of really warm and my throat is burning but still good. I really needed that,” she replied, trying to ignore the way her mouth was feeling and how suddenly lightheaded she’d become from the heat of her coffee warming her up so quickly when she hadn't even been cold to begin with.

Oliver gave her a strange look though, so she guessed she wasn't doing a great job of trying to look like she wasn't about to pass out.

“Are you okay?”

“Yup. Just a little dizzy. Is it me or is it really hot in here?” She asked, fanning herself with her hand, desperately trying to cool herself down.

“Maybe this second cup of coffee really isn't a good idea…”

“You're probably right,” she laughed nervously, feeling a little steadier than she had done a few seconds ago but not completely out of the woods yet.

“Lets go and sit down over there,” Oliver gestured to a small seating area a few metres away by a particularly sad looking water feature. “It's quieter than over by the flight gate and you look like you really need to sit down,”

Felicity nodded and didn't even question when he linked his arm through hers and guided her over towards the chair. She felt better, definitely capable of walking by herself, but she really wasn't about to refuse his arm if he wanted to help her. She even found herself leaning into him a little, and he took her weight with ease. Holding onto his forearm to steady herself now that she had committed to pretending she was about to faint, she noticed straight away how solid they were. So solid. She could picture perfectly how tanned and veiny they were underneath the long sleeves of his shirt. That thought almost made her feel dizzy again for real.

Once they were sitting down again, he looked over her worriedly.

“Are you sure you're okay? You really didn't look so good earlier,”

“I'm fine, I promise. I think I just drank that coffee too quickly,” she laughed, knowing that was the understatement of the week.

“I was worried you were going to pass out on me,”

“I'm sure you would've caught me,” Felicity replied, thinking again about his solid forearms, not even realising until the words were out of her mouth how excerpt-from-a-teenage-romance-novel she sounded.

She blushed. “Not that I meant anything by that. You just look… strong. Really strong,”

Oh god, why did everything she said somehow end up making everything worse?

Thankfully, by some grace of the google gods, she was saved by an announcement being made over the airport tannoy system.

“This is an announcement for passengers of flight 812 to Star City; the flight has been cancelled indefinitely due to severe weather conditions and we recommend that all passengers make overnight plans in a nearby hotel. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. We will continue to update you all via text alerts or email on when the next available flight will be. Thank you for your patience.”

Around them, Felicity could hear a string of curses and groans and sighs, the former of which came from her own mouth.

“Ugh, fuck, I can't believe I actually have to stay here another night!”

Oliver laughed. “I never took you for someone who curses,”

Rolling her eyes Felicity sighed. “I don't usually. But this is just fucking irritating! Why do the google gods hate me so much that they actually want me to have to spend another night with my mother?”

“Why don't you get a hotel?”

“No offence to your intelligence, Oliver, but do you know how expensive airport hotels are? Do I really look like someone who can afford to just drop 700 bucks on a hotel room for one night?” She asked, slightly snappily as she took her phone out from her purse.

“I don't mind paying for a room for you,”

“Don't be ridiculous. You don't even know me! Why would you even offer?”

“Because, like I already said earlier, I have a boring job that pays well and I like you Felicity. You’ve made this delayed flight one of the most interesting evenings of my life. In my mind it's completely reasonable of me to at least offer to pay for your room for that,”

For not the first time that night, Felicity was completely taken aback by what Oliver was saying. Everything in her was telling her to argue with him, to tell him how stupid it was for him to even offer such a thing, that she’d be fine just staying one more night with her mom, wishing him a good life and then never speaking to him again. Because that was the reality, right? If she didn't accept his offer she’d go back to her mom’s place and he’d check into a hotel and they'd probably end up on different flights home and never see each other again. The thought made her swallow hard. She hated to admit how much she grown to enjoy Oliver’s company over the last few hours. She knew letting him pay for her hotel room would be selfish, but he had offered; no one was forcing him to do that.

“You really don't owe me anything, Oliver. I haven't done anything except be my normal, embarrassing self,” Felicity laughed softly, catching his eye.

“Not embarrassing. Endearing. I already told you,”

She rolled her eyes in dismissal at his comment but felt her cheeks warm anyway. She couldn't decide whether she absolutely hated or actually kind of liked the effect he had on her. It had been a long time since she’d experienced these kinds of emotions and deep down, she really was enjoying them.

“Okay fine, if I agree and let you pay for my room, will you promise to stop saying things like that, please?”

Oliver chuckled. “Deal. Any preference? I've heard the Hilton is nice.”

She opened her mouth to argue that the Hilton was far too expensive, but the look on his face told her it wasn't worth it. Sighing, she relented.

“I literally do not care. As long as you don't tell me how much you're paying and as long as I can finally sleep, I honestly don't care.”

Laughing, Oliver took out his phone and began to dial.

*

Barely an hour passed before they were standing in the lobby of one of the nicest hotels Felicity had ever been in. She felt completely out of place in her crumpled dress and no makeup, dragging her non-designer suitcase behind her now that they'd been given back their luggage, but she was slowly reaching that point of sleep deprivation where she could feel the earth actually vibrating under her feet and she really just needed to sleep. Thankfully the only people around at 3 in the morning to judge her were the receptionists on the desk.

“Hi, I called earlier and made a last minute reservation? It's Oliver Queen,” Oliver said to the girl behind the desk, flashing her a gorgeous smile that she could tell the girl appreciated, even though she remained professional and didn't react.

Felicity fought the urge to snort upon hearing his last name. Queen was such an elite sounding surname. No wonder he had plenty of money. She imagined with a surname like that, that money just fell into your bank account. But it suited him. It suited him a lot. She hated to admit that hearing his full name actually made him more attractive. She wondered if he had a middle name.

“One room, yes?” The receptionist asked.

“No, two. I asked for two rooms. Under the same name,”

“Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We only have one room available. Due to the weather we’ve had an influx of bookings and the only room left is a double room,”

“That's okay, we’ll take it,”

Felicity almost choked on her tongue at that. They were absolutely not going to take that room.

Somehow managing to hold onto her composure when all she wanted to do was yell, she cleared her throat as politely as possible to get his attention.

“Oliver? Can I speak to you a sec, please? Over there?” She asked, gesturing to their left away from the desk.

Oliver gave the receptionist a slightly apologetic look before following Felicity to where they were out of earshot. Or out of earshot enough that she could talk in a raised whisper without worrying too much about being heard.

“What are you doing?” She asked, not at all caring about being polite now.

“You need to sleep. I'm getting you somewhere to do that,”

“But they only have one room! Where are you going to sleep?!”

“I'll be fine. I'll let you have the bed and I'll just stay up and watch TV or something. Don't worry, honestly,”

“You are not going to pay for a room and then not even sleep in it, Oliver,”

She watched him smirk a little at that and slowly realised how slightly suggestive her choice of words sounded.

“Not that there would be anything wrong with that, I mean, what you choose to do in your own time is none of my business and if you want to pay for a hotel room just to have sex or something, that's completely your choice. Not that that's what we're going to do. Not at all. I mean, I'm sure that would be nice but we’re not going to do that. That's not what I meant at all- you know? I really don't appreciate you laughing at me right now, Oliver. I'm really fucking angry actually at how crazy you're acting,”

He stopped smirking then, clearly realising she was serious, probably taken aback once again by her cursing, and that now wasn't the time to make fun of her. He frowned.

“What is so crazy about me wanting to make sure you get some sleep?! Why can't you just let me do that for you? I really think you're overreacting,”

“I’m overreacting? Why are you so adamant on being so ridiculous all the time, Oliver? I'm not going to have you pay for a room with only one bed if you're not going to sleep in it and that's that. So how about you take the room and I'll just go back to the airport and wait there,”

“Now who’s being ridiculous? You can't just sit in an airport all night! What if you fall asleep and someone steals your stuff?” Oliver argued, his mouth forming a firm line.

God, he was exasperating. She was definitely right earlier about him being annoying underneath all the cute. She couldn't believe they were bickering like this in the middle of a fancy hotel lobby but more than that, she couldn't believe the way Oliver was acting. How was he so chill and calm about them sharing a room? Had he forgotten that until a couple of hours ago, neither of them had even known about the other’s existence? And that aside, she really didn't know if she could handle being cooped up in a hotel room with Oliver all night. How was she supposed to stop herself from babbling inappropriately for hours? She couldn't, she knew she couldn't.

“Why would someone even steal my- you know what? I'm not even going to argue with you. I'm calling a cab and going back to the airport,”

She turned away from him and started to head back towards the desk but she felt Oliver's hand on her arm then, taking hold of her wrist and effectively stopping her in her tracks. All of the fight had disappeared from his face then and for the first time that night, she realised how truly exhausted he looked.

“Please, Felicity. Don't be like this. You're tired and you need to rest. Just take the room. Please,”

Loooord he had to stop looking at her like that. He really did. She was going to have a heart attack if she saw him make that stupid little puppy face again tonight. And his hands were on her again. His fucking hands that were soft and warm and firm all at the same time and making her skin tingle wherever they touched.

Suddenly feeling dead on her feet, Felicity sighed in defeat.

“Fine. We’ll take the room. But the bed is yours. I'll sleep on the couch. There has to be a couch in the room somewhere. That's my final offer before I call a cab and go back to the airport,”

Oliver practically beamed at her then and she felt herself blush. “Deal,” he smiled, moving his hand from her wrist to her palm and giving her hand a shake.

She smiled back, trying to look begrudging but got lost in how nice it felt to hold his hand. Nice wasn't a strong enough word but she didn't have the energy or brain capacity to think of a better adjective right now. She fought off the urge to giggle - yes, to giggle - at how nice it felt to have his hand in hers. She didn't even have the presence of mind to tell herself to get a grip. And if Oliver noticed the giddiness she could feel in her eyes just then, he didn't say.

It was going to be a long night.

If you want to be tagged in my fics/chapter updates, feel free to let me know! :)

(Also, let me know if there’s anything you don’t want to be tagged in! i.e. fics that aren’t strictly Olicity/Arrow, I’m more than happy to remove tags!)

@geniewithwifi​ @scu11y22  @dandeelies @ghostfoxlovely @bellemmie  @youngfolksoldsoul @keytoflowers2509 @relativelyobsessedfangirl @obliviouschickwithagun @oliverfel4 @hope-for-olicity @lemonlime799 @stygian-omada-fan  @pleasantfanandstudent 

#mywriting #olicity fic #olicity fic rec #olicity #oliver queen #felicity smoak #oliver x felicity #olicity fanfiction #arrow fic #arrow

[mem-en-to]

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.