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la-fille-en-aiguilles · 3 years

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Dog Tags

Billy Russo x Female!Reader

Request by @nebulastarr : Hey! Whenever requests open up again, could you do a Billy Russo x Reader where the reader liked Billy but doesn’t want to tell him because she thinks he won’t feel the same way

A/N: I was going to wait and get down to writing this once I was finished with my series... But this one has simply hit a little too close to home. I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I saw it and I ended up putting a lot of personal stuff in it so I’m sorry if it feels chaotic at times. Thank you for requesting, love, I hope it lives up to your expectations. The Only Living Thing series will be back with its third part next week. The song: Isak Danielson - Power

All you heard was an excited scream, that raised above all of the New York’s past-6-pm commotion, as a slender tall body smashed into you, locking you in a bone-crushing hug. You laughed happily, albeit feeling a little bit uncomfortable in Karen’s strong hold. You knew it didn’t seem that way, but Karen packed a wicked punch in those elegant arms of hers. Those self-defense sessions with Frankie boy that she’s been gushing about over the phone must have been finally paying off.

“Once I am done hugging you, I am so kicking your ass,” she breathed out into your hair as she squeezed you harder, as if reading your thoughts. “You’ve been ghosting me for what, a month now?”

You sighed guiltily as Karen pushed you slightly away, keeping her hands on your shoulders. You watched her as she studied your face, a creeping smile stinging at the corners of her mouth.

Grabbing one of her elbows, you groaned dramatically, pulling her towards the busy road. With your hands locked, you finally admitted:

“I did suck at communicating these past couple of weeks. Work’s been…. hectic”, the lie tasted bitter on your tongue, but this was the best explanation you’ve been able to come up with so far. “Please don’t kill me”.

Trying to keep up with your power walk, Karen let a bubbling laughter leave her lips.

“You’re not the one who should be worried then,” she gave you one of those bright trademark smiles of hers. “Next time I’m going to interview Russo, I’ll…”

You stuttered at her tirade as you walked, and of course it didn’t go by unnoticed. Karen was the best journalist you have ever met during your prominent career. She just sensed that sort of thing.

“I’m getting this ‘I-meant-to-tell-you-Karen-but-I-didn’t-and-now-you’ll-need-to-fight-it-out-of-me’ vibe”, she gave you a scrutinising look. “Want to maybe share whatever it is you’ve been not telling me before I go full interrogation mode on your plump backside?”

You rolled your eyes as you led her to a terrace-ringed Upper East Side high-rise, waving to the doorman through the glass doors. Jackson, a thirty-five year old ex-military with three kids and a labrador, gave you a brilliant smile as he hurried to open them for you.

“Good evening, Mrs Y/L/N!” He bowed his head in a stiff, very army-like manner. “A package arrived this afternoon for you, should I bring it up?”

From the corner of your eye, you caught Karen looking around, confusion written all over her face. You had a lot to catch up on.

“Don’t worry about it, Jax, just give it to me,” you didn’t mean to urge him, but you couldn’t wait to change out of your corporate attire into some comfortable old pyjamas and crack open a bottle of whiskey - that’s right, some habits did die hard. And to think you were a bubbles-kind of girl a year ago when you met him.

You could feel Karen’s blue eyes drill a hole in the back of your head as you took a small, envelope-sized package from Jackson’s hands.

It wasn’t until you both stepped into the elevator that Karen cleared her throat.

“When you said you’d rather have a girls’ night in, I asked Frank to pick me up from Queens, not from…here,” she spoke, her eyes skimming expensive red wood and mirrors. “Did you finally sleep with Russo and moved in with him?”

Whatever it was that Karen expected you to say to that, it definitely didn’t include you spitting out a roaring laugh, as you nearly dropped the package on the floor.

“Quite the opposite, actually,” you informed her after you finally restored your breath. “I left Anvil. And, well, Russo. At the end of last month”.

—

A half-bottle of whiskey for you and a bottle of white wine for Karen later, both of you were sprawled out on the lambskins thrown over the hardwood floor in your living room. Jazz music was seeping out of the speakers by the TV, a couple of Diptyque candles emitting a soft yellow glow.

You stared at the ceiling of your new living quarters, your mind a blur. As you folded your hands on your stomach, you felt Karen twitch as she bent her elbow and leaned her blond head on the palm of her hand, facing you.

“So let me get this straight,” she paused, narrowing her eyes. “After becoming the Forbes’ hottest CSO, concluding what can easily be described as deals of the century - especially the one with Anthony Stark aka Iron Man and his magnificent goatee…”

Involuntary, you giggled at this. This talk brought out some very dear memories that you wouldn’t trade for the world - the way Billy’s dark eyes shimmered in the dim lights of the opera house as he gave you a look that said you did it, ever the perfect team… Or the way he threw his arms around your frame, his long fingers sliding down your back… You knew you looked good in that dress, but the moment Billy saw you wearing it… You felt like the only girl in the world, the way his jaw dropped a tad, his lips opening up in awe…

Oookay, Y/N, can’t go there, your mind screamed at you as you wiped that dreamy smile off your face. Sitting down, you took your whiskey glass, and washed those memories away with a gulp of amber liquid.

Meanwhile, Karen ranted on.

“…you just quit?!”

She jumped to her feet all of the sudden, brushing her blond hair away from her face as she watched you excitedly.

“Jesus Christ, did Billy make a move?! He made a move on you, didn’t he?”

The urge to facepalm was fierce, almost overpowering, but you managed to resist. Slamming your empty glass against the floor harder than you intended, you gave her a bored look.

“No, Karen, why… Why in the world would you think that?” You sounded just a little short of desperate, so you cleared your throat. “I was his second-in-command, that wouldn’t have been appropriate…”

When you were done studying the flame, dancing within the glass walls of one of the nearby candles, you raised your eyes to meet Karen’s. She wore quite possibly the most blatant look of ‘you are shitting me’ on her face.

“So you just quit?” she stared at you in disbelief, unblinking. “No explanations provided?”

“This wasn’t how it happened,” you said, hating the fact that you felt like you had to justify yourself. You brought your knees closer, hugging them tightly. “I…”

—

“…I’m here to see William Russo”.  

With a nonchalant gesture, you unbuttoned your Burberry coat, looking at a red-head secretary behind a desk that screamed power and status with every inch of its epic proportions.

Anvil was certainly new money. With all of those hedge funds injecting their cash into emerging companies, there was no shortage of these - entrepreneurial endeavours that didn’t last long.

You didn’t know that at the time, but you were going to make sure this one would.

“My name is Y/N Y/N/L,” you added, perching your sunglasses on top of your head. “He’s expecting me.”

The red-head gave you a polite smile before checking something on her Mac.

“Welcome, Miss Y/N/L,” she almost seemed shy, as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before standing up. “Mr Russo is indeed waiting for you. If you would like to follow me, please”.

As the redhead led you through the training grounds, packed with fit men and women that looked like they walked straight outta Gym Shark ad, you did notice a couple of vagrant stares in your direction. You couldn’t blame them. You looked slightly out of place; more Vogue than the setting allowed for.

You quit your job as the COO of a global FinTech company just weeks ago, looking for a new challenge. It was an adventure of a lifetime, and while your ex-executive board had literally begged you to stay, once you’d decided something, no promise of a generous promotion could make you change your mind. While you absolutely loved your job, working for one of the most prominent online payment giants in the world, it felt like it was time for you to step down. Due to all the processes and wise investments you’d initiated, the company could make millions of profits without their CEO having so much as to lift a finger.

And you, well, you lived for the hustle. And that’s exactly what you were here for.

You still had your doubts about Anvil’s owner and acting CEO, though. William “Billy” Russo had already become a household name in the financial circles, albeit the company he was spearheading had little to do with the FinTech space. Some said he had the potential to succeed; others badmouthed him for being ruthless and balancing on the very edge of legal limits.

In short, the man had you intrigued. So the very moment he called and invited you to drop by Anvil to talk strategy, you knew you had to meet him.

See the beast for yourself, so to speak.

The first thing you noticed about William Russo as you walked into his office, spacious and entirely transparent, with its glass walls overlooking the training grounds, was experience, for the lack of a better word. It was etched into his every handsome feature, especially into his scruff strong-willed jaw. As he raised his gaze to meet yours upon the red-head’s announcement, his black eyes swallowing you whole, you realized no light reflected on their surface. There was a certain confidence to him as he raised from his chair, his white shirt straining some over his chest, long dark strands of hair falling onto his long eyelashes. This man meant business, as those black impenetrable eyes zeroed in on yours. He almost seemed too flawless - to spotless to be an ex-marine, stained with blood and murder.

All that Hallmark handsomeness was nothing but a cover.

Before William Russo had even got a chance to open his mouth, you were determined to find out what was lurking underneath.

“Mrs Y/L/N”, the hot-shot gave you a polite smile. “Thank you for coming”.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Russo”, you didn’t move an inch. He may have invited you for interview, but he wasn’t the only one with a long set of demands.

You briefly wondered if he knew that.

Before your thoughts could take you further, William Russo made his way to you, composed and calculated. He stopped by your side, albeit for a moment; rolling the sleeves of his shirt further up, he shot the red-head a charming smile (nothing like the one he gave you).

“Olivia, would you please bring a fresh pot of coffee to the conference room? Mrs Y/L/N and I have a lot to discuss”.

When he turned back to face you, you noted unconsciously that he was taller than you expected, the top of your head barely reaching his shoulders. The cool and composed look was back on his face as he motioned towards the doors.

“Would you like to follow me, Mrs…”

“Y/N”, you cut in with a slight raise of your chin. “I’d also prefer to call you William while I tear Anvil’s strategy down”.

His reaction didn’t disappoint. Some tension left his arms, his stung-up body relaxing just enough for a spark of mischief and curiosity flicker its way to his eyes’ surface.

A twinkle of a smile danced across his lips as he bit on the inside of his cheek, nodding ever so slightly in approval.

“It’s Billy”, he said, amusement echoing in his every word. "I don’t expect any leniency, Y/N”.

“Good”, you replied instantly, looking him straight into his eyes. “That’s not what I came here for”.

He nodded again.

And this time, there was liveliness in the quirk of his brow and a touch of insecurity in the corners of his mouth.

Now that was the man you could potentially work with.

—

Working with William Russo was anything but predictable. There were, however, certain patterns to his way of handling things. Whatever the trouble was, Billy was good at seeing the bigger picture - he was usually able to put things into perspective, but there were occasions when he refused to. You dare say that sometimes, you felt like he thought that money didn’t matter - like Anvil’s financial prosperity didn’t matter - as long as his team got not to risk their lives one extra time. You watched him turn down several lucrative deals that you’d busted your ass to put on his table, because it involved sending his men a little too far from home, in a place where he had no strings to pull whatsoever should anything go south. A part of you (the part that wasn’t frustrated as hell) admired him for that - it didn’t, however, stop you from disagreeing with him, time and again.

You may have never been to Iraq, and may have never known the horrors of sleeping with the bombs exploding a mere kilometer away, but you knew a game-changer when you saw it. There were risks involved, there was no arguing about that, but those were calculated, and those kind of deals could make Anvil jump straight to the top of the private military sector overnight.

William and you disagreed.

When William and you disagreed, no voice was raised, no blood was spilt, but Billy usually became distant, cold and just short of snappy when those conversations took place. 

He only crossed the line once.

  You were three months into your job as Anvil’s Chief Strategy Officer when Mayhew happened.

The clock on your desk showed midnight as you paced in your office, on the phone with Rex Mayhew, the U.S. Ambassador in Cairo. A cat-and-mouse game between the Egyptian Armed Forces and the nefarious arms dealer group had become common knowledge since a week or so; the U.S. special forces got involved in the conflict when it’d been discovered that the arms were being transported onto American soil. Rex, an old friend from your Yale days, had let you in on the fact that General Richard Ravelin, in charge of the operation, was looking to reinforce his rangs with private military before “neutralising the threat”. This was a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity, with a potential governmental recognition in play… and Billy wanted to hear nothing of it.

You were exhausted and barely hanging in there; Billy was categorical and stubborn.

You’ve dropped the phone on your table promising Rex you were going to give him an answer in two hours, tops. Taking a deep breath, you walked out of your office, your bare feet thudding on the parquet floors of the corridor. When you reached Billy’s hideout, you found the man leaning against his desk with a glass of whiskey in his unnerved hand.

“Billy…” you spoke firmly, barely stepping through the doorway. “Rex…”

“Can go fuck himself”.

Oh, okay. No sugarcoating this. Alright.

You saw his lips barely touch the amber liquid as he slammed the glass against the surface of his desk.

“I said no, Y/N,” he wasn’t facing you anymore, leaning on his desk with his hands digging into the wood, his back tense. “Please just go home. Have a good night sleep. We will talk about this tomorrow.”

You could have sworn you felt your head starting to fume. This was the third time Billy Russo was shutting you down. For the third time he was making you feel like an incompetent fool when you were trying to do your goddamn job.

Why in hell would he hire you if whatever vision you had for Anvil didn’t match with his own?!

“You could at least say this to my face, Billy,” you spoke a bit harshly before you could stop yourself. “You know, to my tired and disappointed face, with a mouth that you have been shutting up every time it offers you a deal of the century”.

This sounded so much better in your head.

“Why did you hire me?” you asked almost immediately, trying to soften the impact of the words that had already escaped. “If this isn’t the direction in which you want to take your company, maybe I should just…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Y/N, just fucking leave already!” Billy snapped like a branch that’s been holding too much weight, the sound of it dry and final.

…maybe I should just rethink the entire plan.

There was no point in finishing that sentence now, was there?

“I was there long before you came along, so I’d think I know a shitstorm in the making when I see one!” Billy was looking at you alright, brushing his hair back, his eyes black and void.

You had wished It would have been new to you - looking in William Russo’s eyes and not seeing him there. But it wasn’t. He was back to his Hallmark version of a man, but instead of playing a hero, he was now putting on his villain guise.

“Let’s get something straight here,” he leaned back on his desk, crossing his arms on his chest, his black eyes narrowed. “While you were making your way to the top of a rich-ass cookie-cutter FinTech company, I was crawling in the dirt in Iraq under a downpour of the Trident D5LE missiles. While the closest thing you’ve come to havin’ your hands dirty was bribing an investor or two, I was fucking beheadin’ people under the direction of the CIA,” his words were cold, measured and rhythmic, like a round of bullets being fired on a range. “You know nothing of what’s it like to be in the middle of that kind of shit show, princess, so when I fucking say no, you listen. Is that clear?”

Bark. Sit. Roll over.

“Crystal. Sir.”, you finally broke the heavy silence hanging in the air, just barely resisting the urge to salute him. “I’ll see myself out.”

Biting the inside of your cheek like your life depended on it, once you turned your back on him, your first thought was don’t you dare cry on his account, bitch and then almost right away wait at least until you’re home.

You could have sworn you heard William call your name in a stranded voice, but you made sure to slam the door somewhat hard as you left his office so you could pretend you didn’t hear him.

If you were to face him now, with all that power and toughness he exuded… You would never admit it, even to yourself, but you’d just end up on the floor, huddled into a shivering little ball.

—

You were grateful that the next day after the shit went down with Mayhew fell on a Friday. When you stumbled into your apartment in Queens at almost one in the morning, you immediately shot an email to the HR department asking for a day off. Once that’d been done, you dialled Rex to decline his offer to introduce Anvil to general Ravelin, washed the makeup off your face and crawled into bed, hugging the second pillow close to your chest.

You didn’t cry, if that’s what you’re wondering.

As you rolled out of bed in the morning at around 8 am, you took a shower and grabbed a coffee from the kitchen before settling behind your home office desk with a heavy head. When you opened up the Keynote presentation with your strategy outlined for the H1, you couldn’t help but steal a glance at the iPhone you left on your couch last night.

You weren’t going to check if you had any missing calls.

There was nothing you had left to say to each other.

…with your chest hollow, you powered up the screen. There were no missed calls and no new messages.

It all looked like you had another strategy to build now. If Billy Russo thought that calling you a rich-ass princess that knew nothing of the world, all butterflies and rainbows, was going to make you resign, then man, was he in for a surprise.

You once heard one of his men compare you to a military convoy, when the guy thought you weren’t listening.

He had no idea.

You spent the morning refilling you coffee cup and rebuilding your H1 plan from scratch. After about eleven calls with the people you knew could get you a foot in the door of the offices of some government officials, billionaires and generals, after typing, deleting and typing again for 5 hours straight, by 2pm you had a solid game plan. You were pretty sure it would still need some tweaking from Castle, who essentially held the role of the Chief Operating Officer, dispatching men and women on missions and planning operations, and, well, from Billy Russo.

The Badass-ex-Sniper-turned-CEO himself.

You kept the email short and to-the-point, sending the document over to Russo with Castle on copy, saying you’d be in the office to debrief on Monday.   Refusing to check whether your email’d been opened, you slammed your MacBook shut.

The rest of the day rolled on uneventfully. You grabbed a coffee with the People Culture Officer from your previous company, who also happened to be one of your dearest friends; then you picked up your dry cleaners and did some shopping, cracking for a pair of new shoes in Saks Fifth Avenue.

Shoes were, indeed, your weakness.

By the time you got home, the tired sun was yawning, stretching its rays in one last effort before rolling into bed. Humming a Dua Lipa song under your breath, you were putting your new Jimmy Choo’s away when you suddenly heard your phone ring.

You didn’t even have to look at it to know who it was.   You checked the time, however, noticing is was two minutes after the official end of the working day.

“Hi, Y/N”, Billy spoke, clearing his throat. “Are you… Um… Any chance you’re available to meet tonight? I would really appreciate it if you could give me fifteen minutes of your time. Please.”

It sounded like the real Billy Russo was back around. Insecure. Rugged. Imperfect.

“Can you pick me up?” you asked softly, “I’ll text you my address. There’s a pizza place just around the corner, I could use a free slice”, you circled the cold coffee cup you left on the counter with your finger. “Free as in you’re paying, Russo”.

A laugh that came somewhere from within caressed your ear.

“Uh, yes, I’m actually… Yeah, thanks. I’m leaving the office now,” even if he tried to hide it, a shocked surprise still seeped through the cracks in between the vowels.

You chuckled silently at his reaction.

“Just one more thing,” you ventured, placing the cup in the sink and making your way to the balcony - your small piece of heaven with a wooden chair, pillows and lavender. As you stepped outside, you put oyour free hand on the railing, just to feel the coolness of it, the evening air and the gentle flower smell stroking your skin. “What kind of car should I be on the lookout for?”

Billy hesitated, biting his bottom lip, running his nervous fingers through the thick strands of dark hair. The setting sun was hitting him just from the right angle, making his sculpted cheeks look like they were made of marble.

“A Rolls Royce Wraith”, he squirmed, rubbing his forehead, probably realising how lame and pretentious it sounded. “I’ll call you once I’m downstairs”.

“Uh-huh”, you smirked, leaning on the railing with your forearms.

You saw Russo pinch the bridge of his nose, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip again.   Your small balcony provided quite a view, when you really thought about it.

“Don’t take too long”, you couldn’t help it, it really was stronger than you. “I’m starving”.

With a wide grin, you dropped the call and went back into your apartment.

You were planning to make him wait for ten extra minutes when he would finally “arrive”.

Just for the hell of it.

—

“That’s a lot of hot sauce for one pizza”, Billy commented, watching you spray your truffles and cheese generously with the piquant olive oil.

You gave him a mischievous smile.

“What can I say,” you shrugged, leaning back in your chair and licking the tip of your finger after you swept a drop of it from the top of the bottle. “I like them hot”.

That startled a laugh out of Billy as he eyed you with something in his irises looking a lot like awe.

Just when he was about to speak, a servant brought a glass of red wine for him and bottle of sparkling water for you.

You thanked the guy with a sweet smile, while Billy eyed him a bit coldly, obviously waiting for him to leave.

When the waiter had finally made himself scarce, Billy softly called your name.

You raised your eyes to meet him, struggling as hell to keep your stare vacant. (Which was hard to do with some foreign tightness in your throat).

“Before we dig in and I hope spend a nice evening as two friends, getting together on a Friday night”, he didn’t even blink? Was he blinking? You couldn’t tell, his black eyes swallowing you whole, again. “I want to apologise. I was completely out of line… It was unacceptable. You don’t need my validation, of course, but I still want you to know that you are doing a terrific job at Anvil, taking us to the heights I never even thought existed. It’s just… It’s hard for me sometimes to be a good CEO and someone who promised to take care of my men at the same time… Everything is happening so fast, I’m afraid to lose my footing.”

You reached out for his hand across the table before you could stop yourself. You didn’t take it, but your fingers brushed his ever so slightly before you realized what you were just about to do. Your eyes widened as you looked at him, searching for a reaction.   Billy remained perfectly still, not taking his eyes off you.

You grabbed a napkin next to his wrist, pretending this was what you had meant to do all along.   “We’ll get there, Billy”, you said, a small encouraging smile blooming on your lips. “We just need some tweaking”.

You weren’t sure if you were talking about strategy at this point anymore.

—

You had a great time at dinner.

(And a whole-hearted laugh as Billy finished your remainders of the truffle pizza, downing a litre of water to numb down the burning sensation in his throat afterwards).

You talked about your respective lives, your ex-colleagues, your hopes for the future… You dared think this who the real Billy Russo was.

And he was incredible.

After the two of you were done with dinner, you offered him to come upstairs to your place and go through the new strategy together. He didn’t hesitate, although you could swear you’d seen something ambiguous flash in the depths of his dark eyes before he nodded.

(You must have imagined it.)

The two of you ended up sprawled out on your soft faux fur carpet talking game plan, bouncing ideas off each other. You watched Billy frown, as he rubbed his mouth with his long fingers, smile in excitement and shake his head in awe when you voiced your ideas - you felt proud and appreciated, and you wouldn’t trade the sensation for anything in the world.

A couple of hours later the two of you had finally decided that it was enough brainstorming for one night, and you rose to your feet to go and make Billy a coffee before he got behind the wheel. As you pushed the start button on your coffee machine, you heard him speak over the noise.

“You know I’ve done four tours - three in Iraq and one in Afghanistan”, you popped your head up, only to see him play absentmindedly with something on his chest. “And every time I’m considering a mission for Anvil, I find myself back in there again… A part of a death squad.”

You carefully picked up his cup of coffee and made your way back to him. You didn’t say a word as you leaned lower to hand it over to him, encouraging him to go on.   Billy thanked you in a whisper before clearing his throat.

“Every time I have to send them somewhere, especially overseas, I force myself to stop and think… Is this really worth it? Is a fat check really worth putting the lives of my men and women in danger? And most importantly - you may think it’s stupid…” he avoided your gaze, staring into his coffee cup, a miserable smile on his lips. “I think, will it make a difference? If one of them dies on a mission, I have to at least know they made a difference… it’s selfish and it’s more about the peace of my own mind, but it is what it is, you know?”

When he looked up at you, his eyes were full, full to the brim. There was so much emotion in them, hatred, misery, hope, adoration, all whipped in a wild mix that was Billy Russo’s dark, velvet eyes.

“I carry these at all times,” the fingers of his free hand dropped to his chest, as he got a hold of something hanging around his neck. A necklace? “When in doubt, I just look at them - they help me remember where I’ve been and what I’ve done - and I just know if it’s worth it or not. The answer is usually no, by the way”.

He smiled again, the curve of his lips looking less haunted this time, as he sipped on his coffee.

Dog tags. Those were Russo’s dog tags.

“So they’re your reminder that, even being a badass CEO of a private military company”, you couldn’t help but feel some kind of zero gravity settling in your lower stomach as you saw him chuckle at your words. “…you still have a heart”.

“How poetic”, Billy teased you without missing a beat, putting the empty cup on the floor next to him. “But yeah. Sort of, I guess”.

As you fell asleep that night, you dreamed about explosions, piquant olive oil and holding Billy Russo’s dog tags in your hand.

—

The time flew by after that. In 8-month time (after some tweaking) Billy Russo and you became a team. It sometimes felt like nothing could stop you, as long as you were together.

It should not have come as a surprise that the two of you earned yourselves a catchy nickname - at first, it was spoken solely behind your backs, but soon enough it became some kind of a title, more powerful than that of the CEO or the CSO.

Anvil’s men and women (and especially Frank - the fact that he invented the nickname secretly tickled him pink) - were now calling you Bonnie and Clyde. The ultimate partners in crime, against all odds, doing the impossible.

The two of you also settled in an almost homely kind of routine. Ever since that Mayhew fiasco and the day that followed, Friday had become the non-spoken partners in crime day. What it meant in practice was exchanging Friday jokes on Anvil’s internal communications suite…

(Billy once attacked you with a “would you look at this, just found the actual footage of your interview @ Anvil”. Before you even got a chance to answer, he forwarded you a cheesy meme with two old women speaking to each other, one of them saying “We need someone who can do the job of two men”, and the other responding “oh, so it’s only a part-time job then”. When you shot him back a message asking whether he really considered himself an arthritic old woman, that seemed to have shut him up).

…grabbing a beer in a bar nearby…

(you sometimes invited your colleagues to join you, plus it was an unspoken rule that Frank and Karen were to be there as well)

…you making fun of Billy Russo’s eating habits…

(It was honestly a nuisance to have a lunch with him. The list of things he refused to eat went on and on: no asian food, no food chain restaurants (even high-rated), no soups, no cheesecakes… He sure was settling well in that peaceful life he earned after spending all those tours living off canned food).

…and just overall enjoying each other’s company.

By the time the ninth month of your being Anvil’s CSO had rolled in, you couldn’t imagine not seeing Billy Russo every day. Not noticing him rolling his eyes at a smart-ass comment you or Frank made, or his orbs lighting up every time you told him the deal with that or this decision maker had gone through. You simply could not understand how you managed to live day in and day out, and think you were genuinely happy, before you actually met Billy. Everything before him just faded away somehow, your memories lost their colour and spike in comparison to the life you were living now. You kicked ass at your job, your career thrived, but most importantly, you were feeling like this was exactly where you were meant to be, braving the obstacles by Billy Russo’s side, knowing he would catch you should you fall.

He would, wouldn’t he?

It was your usual Friday night outing, the seven of you - Billy, Frank, Karen, Curtis, James from legal, Ashley from mine clearance and yourself - occupying your usual table at Whimsy, the bar that must have made 90% or their revenus off of Anvil’s folk. It was just around the corner from the headquarters, after all.

The overall mood of the evening was rather nostalgic. It’d been four weeks since you’d lost a team member in a crossfire in Falluja, Iraq. After everything was said and done, his loss still hung heavy in the air, and it felt right to get one more drink in Jasper’s honour. The conversation flowed easily, even though the topics you’d spoken about were anything but.

“I remember how I felt when I lost Andy”, Ashley nursed her beer as she stared into the distance. “I just literally had the weight of the entire world on my shoulders, pinning me to the ground, I just couldn’t move on”, she finished her bottle in one go and motioned for the bartender to bring her another one. “Sometimes, I just ask myself, what would have I done if I’d known he was going to die the next day? Would I have stopped him from going? I think I would,” she thanked the bartender as he put the beer in front of her, her eyes a bit foggy. “Yeah, I definitely would have.”

Frank grasped Ashley’s shoulder and squeezed it hard in a comforting gesture; Karen gave her a tender look.

You didn’t know why your mind had gone there, but all of the sudden a memory of Billy sitting in his office chair, laughing his ass off at some offhand comment you’d made flashed before your eyes; it quickly got replaced by the recollection of his hand brushing against yours during the Zoom meeting you’ve had with general Warren Singer; then you remembered him putting his hand on the small of your back, staring daggers at some army brat wanting to join Anvil, eyeing you like a piece of meat (you learned later that day that the man’d been thrown out before having a chance to introduce himself); until finally, your brain stopped dead at the picture of Billy running his nervous fingers through his hair as he called you from his car, telling you he was only leaving the office.

What would you do if you knew he was going to die tomorrow?

Your heart sunk at the thought as you gulped hard, ducking your head and staring at your hands folded in your lap.

A soft touch enveloping your elbow had you facing the man of the hour, his black eyes shimmering with concern.

“Are you okay?” he half-whispered, half-mouthed, not letting go of your hand.

No.

Nothing is okay, Billy.

I’m so happy that I met you, but you’re scaring the hell out of me.

I never wanted any form of eternity until now, I never saw the point…

So stay. Please, stay forever, and feel something for me, too.

“Yes. I’m fine,” you whispered back, staring into his eyes, hypnotised and helpless. You watched him turn away from you as if in slow motion, the warmth of his hand leaving nothing behind but emptiness in your bones.

“Here is to always telling the things that matter to the people who matter”, Billy spoke firmly, raising his beer. “Here’s to never missing a chance to open up to the people we love”.

Well, if this was his way of crossing the t's and putting the dots to the i’s regarding his feelings for you, he couldn’t have been clearer.  

As far as confessions of love went, this one was non-existent.

—

You tried, time and again, to convince yourself you had to go. You learned the hard way that your unrequited feelings were feeding on a sort of inadvertent parasitic relationship where every moment of your day depended on the level of Billy’s unintentional emotional indifference. Your days were spent questioning his every move - every look and every touch; until, the grown-ass woman that you were, you’d commanded yourself to stop second-guessing everything - stop feeling - and decided your best course of action would be… to work yourself into the ground.

If Billy ever noticed anything, he didn’t show it - your were still you, after all, working hard, laughing when he said something funny, calling him out on his bullshit when needed. He didn’t notice slight change in your eyes, when their icy surface cracked at every other compliment he threw in your direction (and there was no shortage of those). He didn’t realize the smile you gave him was different from those tightlipped signs of appreciation you gave to Anvil’s potential clients, he didn’t think twice about the reason for which you glowed around him, your every move softening, your every gesture emanating warmth.

Because Billy hadn’t really known you until you started to have feelings for him.

You knew this couldn’t go on forever. This entire situation was bound to result in some explosion of nuclear proportions, and then all hell would break loose. You needed to get yourself out of this situations, but you just… couldn’t. You couldn’t imagine your life without Billy Russo. You couldn’t leave him.

Even if being friends with him meant tearing yourself apart and suffering in silence.

  Long story short, you waited with fear in your bones for someone to walk into your life and to get you out. You’ve had no fight left in you to do it yourself.

Your salvation came in the form of a phone call on a Friday evening, when Billy was on a recruiting mission in California.

You were typing back a response to his cheeky message when the call cut in half-sentence.

Billy Russo: Please remind me to take you with me instead of Frank next time? He’s driving me insane trying to set me up with the ladies from the Organising Committee. Any ideas on how I can calm him the fuck down?

You: Sorry, Billy, but recruiting is out of my mission scope. As for the calm down part, try bondage maybe? :)

Billy Russo: I’m going to pretend you did not just suggest I engage in sexual practices with Frankie. Karen will have my balls.

Billy Russo: But perhaps you’re right. Taking you with me is probably not a good idea. Wouldn’t want my new recruits’ brains to turn into mush because of how beautiful you are.

You: The flattery will….

“Hello? Y/N speaking”, you brought your phone close to your ear, your cheeks still a lovely shade of pink. If you were going to feel miserable when Billy came back, acting like nothing happened, you were sure going to make the best of that fuzzy feeling in your chest right now.

“Miss Y/N/L”, a smooth deep voice greeted you, and you could have sworn you’d heard it many times before. “I hope I’m not interrupting?”

Frowning in an attempt to remember, you urged:

“No, not at all. How can I help you?” you stared into the screen of your Mac, wheels turning in your head as you silently catalogued all the men you were in discussions with regarding a deal. “I didn’t catch your name…”

“Oh, how rude of me”, the man chuckled but there was no mockery in his voice, more like self-depreciation. “Tony Stark, from Stark Industries”.

Your mind went blank. Did you hear his last words correctly?

“Uh… Mr. Stark”, you quickly got a hold of yourself - well, as quickly as you could. “I appreciate you reaching out to me directly. What can Anvil do for you?”

You did a pretty bang-up job trying to mask your amazement with polite cheerfulness, and Stark had caught on that.

Tony Stark just called your cellphone number. What in the world?…

“We don’t really do alien invasions”.

Ohyourgod, did you just say it out loud?!

His uproarious laughter took you by surprise, reverberating through your entire body. It took every ounce of your self-control not to giggle in response.

“That’s a good one, I love it”, Stark finally said, restoring his breath. “And the better question would be, Y/N - can I call you Y/N? - what you can do for me”.

Before your brain could take you into some naughty direction, freaking Iron Man cleared his throat.

“Okay, this came out wrong,” he admitted with a sense of self-irony. “I um… I’m looking for the Co-Chief Executive Officer for Stark Industries. Well, Virginia Potts is actually looking for a Co-CEO, I’m just her errand boy. And my missions apparently include recruiting…. Anyway,” it was a bit of a challenge to follow Anthony Stark’s train of thought, but you were also still shocked, so that could explain it. “…I think you are the perfect fit for the job”.

You just stared into the screen front of you, your breathing barely audible.

“Mrs Potts and I would love it if you could swing by the A-Tower, let’s say, on Thursday? You’ll be surprised, but I can also whip up a mean cup of coffee…”

Say something.

Fucking hell.

Say something!…

“Thursday sounds great,” you blurted out without thinking. “Let me just shuffle my schedule around… I could stop by after lunch?”   Your hands were slightly shaking as you clicked on your mouse, opening your schedule window.

“Whatever works for you, Y/N”, you could hear Stark smile. “Not to sound like a creep, but I’ve been following your career for quite a while now, and I think that the work you've done in such a short span of time for Anvil is outstanding, even though you still don’t offer protection from alien invasions”.

That made you chuckle, pushing you halfway out of your stupor.

“I’ll put that on the list of things for us to consider”, you promised.

"Tell Mr. Russo I sent my best,” Stark added, and you felt your heart drop to your stomach. “I actually might have some ideas for how we could collaborate. Let's discuss this on Thursday, too, shall we?”

After you said your goodbyes, you fell back in your chair, dropping your iPhone on the table.

You: The flattery will….

...get you nowhere.

You never finished that message, leaving Russo on Read.

—

Starting with that evening, things were moving fast - too fast for you to keep track.

After a three-hour long coffee and the tour of the A-Tower, Virginia Potts, the acting CEO of the Stark Industries, had offered you the job - just like that - and asked you to come back to her executive assistant should you wish to take the job, with your salary expectations and the information about your notice period. You thanked her for her time and promised to get back to her as soon as you made your decision.

Virginia Potts was a brilliant woman; but running a company like Stark Industries while being equipped with a vagina was certainly no walk in the park. Sexism was still very much present within the Boards of the Tech Businesses. You understood perfectly well why she wanted a woman in her corner - it would have been a massive slap in the Board’s face, but it was also about having someone to lean on, who just understood.

In any other circumstances you would have peed your pants in excitement. It was an opportunity to work for Stark Industries - no, scratch that - it was an opportunity to step in as a Stark Industries co-CEO. The idea of it still made you dizzy.

…but as you looked at Virginia’s email sent to your personal address thanking you for stopping by, your eyes were swimming with tears.

You weren’t ready to leave Billy.  You just couldn’t.  You couldn’t leave him.   There was no epic finale to your story. There was no big revelation, no closure, no moment of relief, no acceptance, nothing. Only a fat-ass what if.

And you didn’t know how to let go of a what if with Billy Russo.

And that was exactly why you had to do it.

You heard Billy come in the next Monday earlier than usual. He was positively humming Usher’s Yeah! quietly as he made his way past your office’s doors straight into his own.

You took a deep breath, closing your eyes. You’ve been psyching yourself up during the entire weekend, telling yourself it wasn’t a big deal, we wouldn’t even flinch when you were going to tell him.

You had to tell him.

As you stood up from your chair, straightening you skirt with the palms of your hands, you suddenly heard the footsteps coming back in your direction. You froze in place like a deer in headlights when Billy swung open the door to your office, a box of Pierre Hermé macarons in his hands.

Your goddamn favorite Pierre Hermé macarons.

“You’re here!” Billy’s warm smile illuminated the room. “So much for a surprise, huh?”

He shook the box carefully in the air. You stared at it, dumbfounded, every single thought leaving you.

You couldn’t breathe.

In the hazy morning light seeping through the windows of your office, Billy looked beautiful and dissolute, shirt open at the collar, longer strands of dark hair falling into his eyes.

He was going to be the death of you. It really wasn’t fair.

“Billy, I have to tell you something.”

Was it you who spoke those words? They seemed distant and cold, so uncharacteristically detached.

Blood roared in your ears.

“What’s wrong?”

Billy’s reaction was instant. In three decisive steps he closed the distance that separated you, leaving the macarons on your desk. He stood still just mere inches away, and just like during your very first meeting, you had a fleeting thought cross your mind: you really were tiny next to him, the top of your head barely reaching his shoulders.

You bit the inside of your bottom lip, trying to keep your composure. He stared at you unblinking. He wasn’t touching you, but it felt like his eyes were looking straight into your soul, undressing you, blowing that wall you built around yourself into dust. They were taking you down, piece by piece, determined to see what you’d been keeping from him.   Because, of course, he knew. He should have known something was going on. Hence the surprise this morning.

He had no idea what it was though.

“Maybe you should sit,” you said, making a physical effort to tear your eyes away from him, feigning sudden interest in the buttons of his shirt.

  That chest…

  …was going to be just fine. He didn’t feel the same way you did. He would just find someone else to fill your position. With brilliant women stalking him - in cooperative packs - that would not be a problem.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you”.

You squeezed your eyes shut as soon as his words reached your ears.  Fucking hell, you should have done that by phone. Or with other people around. You should have…

“You’re leaving”, you heard Billy repeat as his voice broke a little. He stepped away, burying his face in his hands as he dragged them down his jaw and neck, staring into the ceiling.

“Billy, listen, I…”

You were the one to close the space between the two of you this time, and before you could think too much into it… You threw your hands around his shoulders, burying your face in his neck.

The sensation struck you like a bolt of lightening when you felt his hands cross behind you back and pull you closer.

He smelled heavenly. Like a forest fire, a hint of smoke with oud and pine. You inhaled deep, deeper still, losing yourself in his comforting touch.

In his arms, just for a second there, you felt home.

“You… The company doesn’t need me anymore”, you nearly choked on words, screaming internally at yourself to keep the waterworks at bay. “It’s thriving, there’s not much else I can give you. My job here is done.”

I need to leave because your indifference is destroying me, and when I think I’m ready to let go, all it takes is one look from you, and I’m back to wanting you, to settling for anything you give me, like a goddamn fool.

“What the hell are you talking about, Y/N?!” Billy exclaimed, his hands grasping your shoulders as he distanced your bodies just enough for him to look into your eyes. “I nee- The company needs you! I was… You know, I was planning to make you the CEO of Anvil in a couple months time,” his smile, as earnest as it was, did not reach his eyes. “Yeah”, noticing your eyes go wide in shock, he let his hands slide down your sides. “You’re so much better at it than I ever was. I was going to join Frank and just manage operations… under you”.

You just stared at him, dumbfounded, not feeling a stray tear escape your eye and rolling down your cheekbone.

“These are the tears of happiness, I hope”, Billy added, and you barely registered his touch as his thumb wiped the salty drop off. “Well, I guess Anvil will have to settle for the little old me. With my best girl going places."

You gave him a strained smile before you carefully wiped your cheeks, just taking a moment to look at him. To try and read him.

Billy Russo was a goddamn ceiling. Plain white, cool and unattainable. In all of your time working for him, you have never seen this Hallmark version of him before. Which one was it?  

Oh wait, you guessed you knew. The happy-for-you friend.

“So where are you going?” Billy asked, his eyes empty. “Who snatched you away from m- Anvil?”

The stutter was so subtle you barely noticed. You were finally tired of reading into shit.

“Stark Industries. I’ll be their co-CEO”.

—

Before you left Anvil you promised yourself you’d get the deal with Stark Industries up and running. There was no one in the world you trusted more in terms of security than Billy.

(The fact that you couldn’t keep your heart safe from him didn’t really count, did it?)

As a matter of fact, Billy and you were going to shake hands with Anthony Stark on the deal on your last night of being Anvil’s CSO. It was happening in The Metropolitan Opera and required both Billy and yourself to dress for the occasion.   He promised to come pick you up at 6pm sharp; you were putting on the Jimmy Choo’s you’d bought a coulee months ago in Saks Fifth Avenue when you heard a low knock on your door.

Straightening up, you threw a quick glance at your reflection in the mirror. You decided to go with a long Marchesa black velvet gown with a rather deep V-line, a pair of long diamond earrings and an elegant half-up half-down hairdo, soft curls in the front framing your face.

“I’m coming”, you yelled out, picking up your leather jacket (because why the hell not) and your purse from the kitchen counter. Sharply opening the entrance door, you realized moments later that you didn’t even take time to prepare yourself for seeing William Russo in a tux.

If you weren’t already half in love with him, the sight before your eyes would have sealed the deal.

God-fucking-damn, like he needed any help being unforgettable.

With a black jacket thrown on a crisp white shirt with a couple of buttons undone and the tie hanging loosely around his neck, Billy was here to make a statement, to leave a mark. His hair was coiffed back in his usual style; honest to God, he looked like he just stepped out of the Man of the Year special GQ edition…

Just when your thoughts were about to switch to the way you must have looked next to him, ridiculous in your simplicity, like you refused to make an effort…

…Your eyes met his.

And the way he looked at you was so intense, his big black eyes with galaxies in them probing into yours, his strong jaw slack. There was beauty and tragedy reflecting in those orbs, but only just for a second - just for a second, he looked at you the way he probably looked at the sky he could never reach. Just for a second, he looked at you the way that made your heart beat twice as fast, like the world could crumble all around him and he still would not have blinked.

Would not have taken his eyes off you.

“Wow, Y/N, you look… You look beautiful”, he finally said. “I just can't spot a part of you that beats the other.”

Something in your chest exploded silently.

“Thank you, Billy,” you smiled at him - a genuine and happy smile, because you felt on top of the world with his adoring eyes on you. “You’re quite a catch yourself”.

Before you could scold yourself for your choice of words, you stepped out of your apartment and locked the door behind you.

“Shall we?” Billy offered his hand to you, without hesitation it seemed.

“We shall”, you replied instantly, slowly sliding your hand into the crook of his elbow.

And, just like always, you were going to enjoy it while it lasted.

—

The crowd in the opera was so posh, the looks all the women had been throwing you first made you question your choice of outfit. It’s after overhearing their conversations that you realized, the reason they stared daggers at you was the man that kept by your side no matter where you went.

Virginia and Anthony welcomed you at the buffet with sun-stained sincere smiles. After a short small talk, Anthony Stark informed you both that he had signed the contract earlier today, thus officially giving Anvil an exclusive security deal with Stark Industries. As of now, Anvil was the only company allowed on the Stark Industries’ premises in the quality of guards and protection officers.

The look Billy and you exchanged spoke volumes; while your eyes were sparkling with excitement though, screaming “we did it!!”, his bottomless black eyes were whispering “thanks to you”.

The four of you then shook hands and went through rounds of gratitude and appreciation; when a pleasant woman’s voice announced the imminent start of Onegin, inviting the guests to go to their seats. Virginia immediately took you hand, leading you straight into the Opera house, saying something about leaving men to finish their drinks. You threw Billy a laughing look over your shoulder, mouthing “come join me” before disappearing out of his sight.

“So on the scale of one to ten, how pissed at me are you, Mr. Russo?”

Billy turned his head sharply to a side, leaning on the high table, and spotted Anthony Stark himself, nursing a glass of whiskey. “For taking your queen away from you? Excuse the chess metaphor, but that woman”, Stark took a sip of his whiskey and savoured it before swallowing it down. “Is a goddamn queen.”

Billy chuckled, straightening up, digging his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

“That, she is,” he whispered, his eyes still piercing the spot in the crowd where your smiling face was mere minutes ago.

—

When the opera ended, both Billy and you couldn’t be more relieved - because both of you hated it with passion.

Exchanging meaningful glances in the dark during the singers’ performances now and then, you had to bite your tongue in order to not just ask Billy if you could maybe sneak out. Russo proved to be more stoic than you, carefully covering your hand with his in what was meant to be a comforting gesture.

You didn’t look at him once after that, afraid to say or do something that would make him remove his hand.

How much more pathetic could you get?

When the performance was over, Billy led you out of the opera house without saying a word, his hand hugging carefully the small of your back.

His silence was unnerving. You didn’t know what to make of it. Should you have shaken his hand off back in the darkness of the concert hall? Or should you have caressed it with your thumb?

Your mind was spinning in circles by the time he opened the door for you and you slid into the front passenger seat of his Rolls goddamn Royce.

When he got in the car and gripped his steering wheel, you reached out and placed your hand on his whitening knuckles.

“Billy,” you spoke softly, barely audibly. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” he whispered back, turning his head to a side to face you. His black eyes stared into yours, looking hypnotised and helpless. “Everything is fine.”

It didn’t take a degree in Psychology to see that he was lying. You could feel his gaze on you as you turned away from him, taking your hand away at the same time.

Billy started the car. The revving engine filled the silence, loaded with the unsaid words.

—

“…he then walked me to my door, we exchanged our goodbyes. And that was it,” you finished lightly, looking back at Karen.

Her eyes were red as she stared at you, unblinking.

“Unbelievable…” she whispered. “So you never told him?…” her lips barely moved.

You sighed.

“Have you ever felt like you’re potentially in love with someone? Like, you don’t actually love him, you know you don’t, but one day you realise that you could? You realise just how easy it would be for you to fall in love with him? With all the teasing and the banter, the play hitting each other, calling each other names, just…. You start to pick up on little things - like if you listen closely, in every shut up, there’s a barely-there ring of I could love you.”  You shifted on the floor a little, and Karen watched your memories transport you somewhere else again. While physically your were here, in your apartment - with your fluttering eye-lashes, uneven breathing and loaded expression - mentally, you were somewhere else.

“….You probably don’t notice it at first, but your body is drawn to him. Every accidental or absentminded touch…” you continued quietly. “And there’s that twinkle in his eyes when he looks at you and it messes you up, because - what’s going on with you? What the hell does it even mean? Are you imagining shit? You’re trying to make sense.”  

Karen didn’t interrupt, still staring at you as if she were seeing you for the first time

“I mean, he didn’t ask for any of it, you know?” you finally raised your foggy stare at Karen, as if searching for confirmation. “Maybe he just did something dumb one day, smiled at you or said something that seemed important and then all of the sudden you’re full on Looney Tunes, seeing stuff that isn’t there?”

Your words barely audible, you swallowed hard, before continuing.  “…I just kept looking at him with what ifs, and could haves, seeing all that goddamn potential. It’s so fucking twisted. Over-analyzing everything? Waiting for a sign?…” you chuckled bitterly all of the sudden. “…I was so fucking scared of reading too much into it, of crossing that line, because… It would be so easy!… Falling in love with him would have been so easy.”

Oh sweetheart, Karen’s eyes glowed with comfort as she reached out for your hand and squeezed it softly. But you already are in love with him.   

A loaded silence ripped through the air in your living room. The sound of an engine revving somewhere close squeezed its way through the slit of an opened window, and it seemed to break the trance.

Both Karen and you shuddered, and as you took in the realisation Karen’s eyes just bestowed upon you, you pinched the bridge of your nose.

“It’s pretty late,” Karen spoke up, reading you like an open book. She knew it was her cue to leave the stage. You needed time to process. “Frank is in a bar nearby with Curtis, let me just give him a call, okay, sweetheart?” she gave your hand one last reassuring squeeze. “You know where to find me when you need me”.

“Yes”, you responded, blinking tiredly. “Thank you so much for coming, Karen. I didn’t mean to unload on you like that…”

“Shut the hell up,” the blonde advised, raising her eyebrows. “But honestly, Y/N, please call me once you… come to terms with things, okay?”

You nodded.

When Karen left, leaving the sweet and pleasant smell of her perfume behind, you closed the door behind her and turned around, leaning on the cold wood and metal with your eyes closed.

It’s been a month. This was supposed to pass by now. Billy was supposed to stop inviting himself into your dreams. You were supposed to heal.

You may have just realized you were in love with the man instead.

Letting out half a moan, half a groan, you peeled yourself from the door slowly, and brushed your hair back, wanting nothing more than to fall face-first into bed.

After you at least cleaned up a bit and put out the Dyptique candles, that is.

As your eyes scanned your living room in an attempt to asses the size of the job at hand, you stopped mid-way, zeroing in on the box Jax gave you earlier in the evening. It rested silently on the kitchen table.

Tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, you made your way to the kitchen area. Grabbing the package, you turned it around, looking for any indication of the sender.

The package wasn’t even stamped.

Curiosity getting the best of you, you took a moment to grab a knife from one of the drawers, and carefully swished it between the two cardboard sheets.

Flipping over the envelop, you heard something fall out of it before you could actually see it. A small sheet of paper floated in the air before falling on the surface, partially covering whatever fell out of the package.

Your heart squeezed the second your brain identified the object, attached to a worn silver chain.

With trembling fingers, you slid two metal pieces from under the paper, covering your mouth.

Finding their home in the palm of your hand, Billy’s dog tags shimmered in the dim candlelight.

Squeezing them in between your fingers, you grabbed the paper with your free hand, your eyes staring at one single sentence scribbled on its surface.

“You took my heart with you”.

#billy russo x you #billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo angst #billy russo fanfic #billy russo story #the punisher imagine #billy russo imagine #the punisher story #billy russo request

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ereawrites · 4 years

Text

Dick Grayson x Reader - Mania

this was requested by: anon

word count: 10.5k / rating explicit

a/n: sex pollen so auto dubcon (?), but both reader and dick are affected so idk

taglist: @daddyissuesmademe @idkmanicantenglish

It's your fault, really. You should never have got involved in the first place, but the temptation was just too great to resist. How could you pass up the opportunity to investigate Poison Ivy's pollen? This was the first decent sample any of you had ever managed to get - even Bruce, though you suspect there have been a few times he's managed to get up close and personal with the pollen - and normally Tim would handle it, but he's away on business with Bruce, and Damian's too young to deal with intensive research, and Jason just can't bring himself to care. So, that left Dick, and you could've left it at that. You should have. Then again, Tim did text you to recommend that you helped Dick: actually, you would never have left your room if it hadn't been for his intervention. It's Tim's fault.

The thing is, everything was fine at first; you've, perhaps, been harbouring the slightest crush on Dick for a while now, and it's always nice to spend time with him. He's fun to be around, even if his classic charm sometimes borders on teasing flirtation, and he's got such an incredible mind. You forget that, at times - he has a bad habit of putting himself down as the 'kind one' of the family, the emotional support or the comic relief, and he forgets to let himself be brilliant, too. He doesn't realise you've noticed that. Or maybe he does, but he doesn't say anything, and you've happily spent the past two hours studying Ivy's pollen together.

"It's definitely pheromonal, but I've never seen a chemical composition like this before-", you say, eyes glued to the computer screen. Dick is leaning over the back of your chair, one hand on your shoulder and one hand on the desk beside you, and you shouldn't feel as tense as you do. "-look, this section doesn't occur naturally in any species we've seen. She's synthesising these pheromones somehow, it's not like she's injecting them, but I just - I don't get how."

He pushes off from the desk, grabs the back of your chair, and spins you to face him with a half-smile. "I hate to break your train of thought, but I think we need a biochem specialist.", he says, and you suddenly notice how tired he looks: his eyes are still vibrant, warm, but exhausted. "We've done as much as we can on this, right? No shame in calling in the big guns."

"Tim?", you reply, knowingly, relishing in the way Dick's smile grows into a full grin. He's still gripping the edges of your chair, effectively caging you in: you are not looking at his arms, and you can be certain of this because you are looking very, very intently at his face.

"Having a genius brother has its perks, I know. I'll call him now. It's late in Tokyo - he won't be in a meeting, he'll probably just be awake in his hotel room, tapping away at his laptop.", Dick says, finally moving away to fetch his phone, and his voice trails off into a mumble that he clearly doesn't mean for you to hear. "God, he worries me. He really does."

It's much too warm in here: you sigh, and shrug off your jacket, slinging it over the back of the computer chair before calling out,"You're such a mother hen sometimes, Dick."

"I care. Sue me.", he replies with a faux scowl. "You don't complain when you're ill and I bring you hot soup."

"You're a good cook, what can I say?"

"Husband material!", he chirps. You feel your stomach leap and your cheeks heat up at his words. He's only teasing, but the truth of it is, it has more effect on you than you would like to admit. Thankfully, he's quickly distracted by the crackle of Tim picking up the phone. "Timmy! How's things?"

Tim's voice is dry, as always, but with a noticeable undercurrent of frustration. "Shit. I hate it here."

"Hey, Tim. Bad day?", you say with sympathy. You feel a little bad for bothering him, now; as hard as everyone in the family works, Tim definitely pushes himself the hardest.

"I'm the youngest person here by at least twenty years, and my stomach can't handle sushi. Plus, Bruce gets separation anxiety from the rest of you. The one upside is that I've been able to practice my Japanese.", Tim replies. You feel bad for him, of course, but the image of him having to comfort a homesick Bruce has you suppressing a snicker.

Dick shoots an amused smile at you - he's too beautiful when he smiles, it isn't fair - that starkly contrasts the comforting tone he uses to respond to Tim. "Don't worry, darling brother - I've got something exciting for you! Check your emails - wait, only the most recent one, though, I sent you a link to a Red Hood fanpage-"

You interject with an accusatory wave of your finger. "Why the fuck didn't you send me that? Red Hood is sexy." If Jason were here, he would probably threaten to shoot you, but as it is, Dick's amusement only grows. His smile is so infectious, like it spirals out into the air and right into your chest, and you can't help but smile back at him. You don't know if it's the warmth of the room or simply from Dick himself, but you feel as though you're going to need to step outside for some fresh air soon.

"Because of your raging crush on Nightwing, probably." Tim cuts in, and you could fucking kill him. Dick gives you a pleased wink. "I'm looking at a pheromonal compound, right? Ivy's special formula?"

You muster as much venom into your voice as you can, without pissing Tim off so much that he leaves you to deal with this on your own. "Fuck you, Tim - and yeah. It's a newer version, though - I think she's evolving, if that makes sense? Her physiology is definitely changing." Tim gives a thoughtful hum in response to your words: you imagine it's in agreement.

Dick continues your train of thought. "We think she's working with someone else, or she's been experimenting on herself, maybe. Do you have any ideas about how she's making the new chemicals?"

"I'll need a few hours. Send me all the data over. You're right about it evolving, though - it's definitely airborne. Shit, this is actually really interesting - the molecules are more compact, smaller, so she doesn't need to rely on physical touch through her plants anymore-"

The rest of Tim's words are lost to a wave of horror. Airborne, he said - you'd doubt it if it wasn't for the similar shock that's written over Dick's face - and you have not been treating this sample as airborne. Ivy has always relied on physical, tangible contact to use her chemicals: you couldn't have known, there was no way you could've known, neither of you are experts on this kind of thing - you've fucked up.

"Airborne? How... airborne are we talking? Like, don't-sniff-the-test-tube?", Dick asks, cautiously, maintaining eye contact with you all the while. *Please, God, let it be don't-sniff-the-test-tube and nothing more than that. Please.*

"Shit, you haven't been wearing respirators - have you?". Tim sounds positively horrified. It does nothing to allay your fears, the worries that you've both been infected with Ivy's pollen; in fact, he all but confirms it. Everything is beginning to fall into place now. The tension around Dick - more so than usual, at least -, how warm you're feeling, the mental sluggishness that had you calling Tim in the first place.

You're angry at yourself, for your own stupidity - not Tim, but you're panicked, you're so unbelievably freaked out, and so you can't help but snap at the phone. "How were we meant to know, man? Ivy's never even hinted at having something of this level before!"

"You're working with chemicals, unknown chemicals, I hate-"

Dick cuts in before this can turn into a full-on confrontation. You've got no idea how he's managing to keep a level head. Perhaps the pheromones are already taking a more severe effect, or maybe it's a placebo effect, and you pray that it is, but you can already feel your heart beginning to pound against the confines of your chest. "It's just pheromones, right? We know it's not toxic, at least - Ivy's victims only take a few days to come around, at most. They're just kinda fucked up for a few days."

You admire Dick so, so much. He's right, he's always right, he always manages to keep you calm and make you feel safe: you'll just have to stay with him, and you'll be okay. If you stay here, he can comfort you, and maybe the impacts of the pollen won't even be that bad. And, if they are, well, there's no one else in the manor tonight, and Dick's so handsome and kind and strong, and maybe he'll - fuck.

Tim snickers. "Fucked, indeed. Only when Ivy's in a good mood, though. You guys better get ready for a tough night. I've heard it can get really bad, especially if you're deprived of - oh, fuck, I can't talk about this, this is too funny but it's so weird, oh my god-", and he dissolves into a fit of awkward, stunted laughter. Dick fixes you with an apologetic look, but you swear his golden cheeks are tinged with red.

"How long until it kicks in?", he asks. It's a stupid, stupid question, because you feel like you're close to dying already. You know what he means, though: when will it get bad? You've seen Ivy's victims before. They're entirely without dignity, practically begging to be touched, sobbing from the pain of it all - and you've only heard rumours about the depraved things they let Ivy do to them. What they ask her to do to them.

The huff of Tim's breath crackles through the phone. "Uh - I don't know, maybe an hour? A little less, since Bruce never opens the windows in there. Just seal the sample up, drink plenty of water, and try not to freak out. It'll pass. You won't die."

///

You thought you could do it - stay in your room, deal with this alone, avoid any potential awkwardness with Dick -but you can't. It's barely been an hour. Sixty-seven minutes since you left the cave, to be exact. Sixty-seven minutes since Dick grabbed you by the waist to halt your speedy departure, touch light but insistent, and said if you need anything, come to me. His eyes were dark when he said it. Deep, dark blue, an ocean that you could get lost swimming in; but pupils already dilating, breath already speeding up. He meant it as nothing more than a kindness. Still, though, that hasn't been enough to stop you from coming onto your fingers with the image of those eyes burned onto the backs of your eyelids.

Ivy's pollen is designed to induce lust, yes, but only for the first person you see after you're infected with it. This means two things: firstly, that you need Dick more than anything right now. Your head is pounding, your lungs feel like they're on fire - the sensation between your legs isn't aching, it's agony, and you've spent fifty-two of the past sixty-seven minutes trying, and failing, to fool your body into believing that your fingers are his. The first thing you know, is that you need him, because you saw him right after you were infected. The second thing you know - there was no one else in that room. You were the only person Dick could have seen.

So, stupidly, you seek him out. You go back down to the cave, without even taking the time to wash your hands, because that's what your body is telling you to do, and you're acting more and more on instinct. Potential awkwardness be damned. He'll fix this.

Dick's facing away from you, reclined in the computer chair: his posture seems almost relaxed, just almost, legs sprawled out and left elbow visibly sticking out from around the back of the chair, like he's got one hand close to his head. You'd assume he was still looking at the computer, if you weren't so hyperaware of everything right now, but you are, and you notice more. From what you can see of his body - it's low-blue-lit from the computer screen, enough that you can make out the muscle of his legs through his sweatpants if you squint, but it's not enough, you need to see more - he seems tense. Too tense. Normally, you'd sneak closer, but your head is practically spinning now and Dick will help you. He'll make this better. Your voice is hoarse and dry when you manage to call his name.

He immediately jolts in his seat, spinning to face you, and now that he's backlit by the computer, you can barely see more than the outline of his body. God, he looks so lean, so tall - "Are you okay?", he asks, and he sounds almost as bad as you feel. You swallow thickly before responding - and, through the fog in your head, you realise that your jacket is clutched in his left hand.

You, miraculously, manage a weak smile. "I just - I thought maybe it would, you know, be better to... be together, during this. In case - if one of us needs help, or something. I don't know.". You sound stupid. Dumb. You feel it, too, and you can't even bring yourself to care. The mere sight of him is helping: it doesn't remove the pain, or any of the physical sensations, really, but at least the panic of not being near him is being soothed.

"That's - yeah, okay. How are you feeling?", Dick replies. His voice is barely more than a whisper, but you hear it as clear as if he were right up against you. Chest pressed to your back, lips on the curve of your jaw, that voice going right through you and into the pits of your stomach.

It's wrong, to think of him like this, when all he's doing is trying to check that you're alright. He knows you aren't, but he's trying.

The best thing you can think to do is make a weak attempt at a joke. "I've got a newfound fear of Ivy." Dick even huffs out a laugh, but it's just as half-hearted as your words. "I didn't think it was going to be this bad at first, Jesus - but it keeps getting worse, and, it just-"

"-it hurts. I know.". Dick nods. As you take a step closer to him, you realise that your eyes have finally adjusted to the relative darkness of the cave, and you realise that you can see his cock straining against his sweatpants. He's hard. What's more, there's a distinct wet patch leaking through the material.

When you entered the cave, you couldn't see one of his hands; the chair wasn't moving enough for him to be stroking himself, and you're not sure whether you're glad he wasn't, but now that you think of it, there was definite movement. Like he was palming himself through his sweatpants, maybe. And the hand that was close to his head, it's clutching your jacket, he was holding your jacket close to his face while he-

"Dick - were you...?"

He sighs, halfway between embarrassed and resigned, and sinks back down into the computer chair. He keeps your jacket clenched in a white-knuckle grip. "I had to take the edge off somehow, right? I'm sorry, I didn't think you would be coming back down here, I never meant to make you uncomfortable or anything-"

"I'm not uncomfortable.", you blurt out before you know what you're saying. Dick's expression visibly shifts - you don't have the mental clarity to figure out into what, exactly - but you can feel your own eyes widen as you process the implications of what you just said. "Oh, fuck - I didn't mean it like that, I - sorry."

Dick just shakes his head. He must mean for you not to worry. You stand in silence for a while, not exactly awkward but certainly thick with tension, before he pats a hand onto the desk beside him. "God, this is worse than I thought. Do you wanna come sit down?"

Do you? Although being closer to Dick sounds like the only thing you want in the world right now - god, you can't help but think about how good he would look, if you were close enough to really study him, now that you're beyond giving a fuck about etiquette - you're also acutely aware of how difficult it'll be to control yourself. Undeniably, you want him. You've wanted him for months, really - but the pollen has taken that desire and multiplied it tenfold, made it so that it's all-consuming and painful. In your room, nothing more than imagining him, it was bad enough. Now, now that you can see his fucking cock, now that the image of him rubbing himself with a blissed-out look on his face, it's almost impossible to control.

You move to sit next to him. You can't help yourself. Once you start moving, you feel like it's all in slow-motion: Dick's watching you, dark eyes trained so closely on your form, and you're wearing nothing more than a tight-fitting pair of leggings and a thin t-shirt. After what feels like an age - too long to be apart from him - you reach the desk, and upon clumsily perching yourself on it, you see Dick looking as though he's about to pass out.

"Fuck, did I - did I do something wrong? I'm sorry-", you say hastily, but he instantly shakes his head and trains his eyes on yours. The blue is nearly gone. It's all blown-out pupils now, so much that his eyes are nearly black.

He licks his lips as if to wet them. "-no, no, but - when you were in your room - when you were alone - did you do anything to take the edge off? Did you touch yourself?"

You could say no, if you wanted to. You could lie. He would know, but he wouldn't press it, and you could save yourself the shame. For all that Dick must be struggling just as much as you are, he's exceedingly kind, so much that no amount of fucked-up drugs could change that: he's still your Dick, underneath all of this.

"Yeah.", you admit after a heartbeat, and your stomach lurches when you see his cock twitch through the sweatpants. Still, you're embarrassed, and you feel the need to explain yourself just a little. "It felt like my skin was on fire unless I did. It still feels like that, though - like it just wasn't enough, I guess."

"I can smell it on you.", Dick says lowly. Oh, God. That's hot. That's so, unbelievably hot - especially when you see his cock twitch again - but absolutely mortifying. You're torn between wanting to jump on him, right here and now, and retreating back to your room. You compromise by burying your face in your hands, and letting out a pathetic whine to signal how fucked-up you are right now. Maybe you can calm down, now that you don't feel on the verge of a panic attack from being away from him, if you take a few deep breaths.

Naturally, Dick hardly gives you the chance. You feel his hand come to rest on your knee out of nowhere; it's a gentle touch, but you can feel him trembling, and the touch sends a bolt of electricity through you that's strong enough to make you jolt. "I want to help you. The whole point of these pheromones is to make it so that you need touch - it only hurts because we're not getting that. So, I can-", he says raspily, punctuating the pause with a reassuring squeeze to your lower thigh, "-touch you, just... platonically, if that's what you want. What you need."

His voice drops down an octave with the last sentence - you whine again, involuntarily, but you just about manage to turn the sound into words.

"Dick, you don't have to - we can just push through this, I know it'll be uncomfortable for you - I mean, I know it's not like we haven't hugged and stuff before, but this is different, I don't want you to feel forced because you feel bad for me."

Dick must lean forward, closer to you, because his palm slides further up your thigh. The pain that prickles insistently under your skin is beginning to turn into fiery heat: not unpleasant, but desperate, hot, and you're starting to feel like you're not going to be able to stop if he asks you to touch him. "I don't feel bad for you.", he insists, reaching up with his free hand to peel your hands away from your eyes. He curls his fingers around yours as he continues. "I just want to make you feel better - both of us feel better. See, it's already helping, right? Just relax. This is bad enough as it is."

His thumb starts to trace circles on the inside of your thigh. It's nowhere near high enough to be considered sexual, but the movement has your legs almost trembling. You wonder if he can feel the tension of your muscles. "It's... it doesn't hurt anymore. Thank you.". And, technically, you're not lying: it doesn't hurt, in fact it feels fucking incredible. You spent fifty-two minutes trying to replicate this sensation. He's only touching your thigh, it has no business feeling this good, but each little beat of his thumb has waves of pleasure crashing through you. God, how good would it feel to fuck him like this? You're shaking, and you know it, and it only makes him tug you by the hand to stand up.

Even the loss of his touch on your thigh feels devastating, but Dick's next words are more comfort than you could have imagined possible. "Here. Come sit, if you want.", he says - whispering again, voice so low and so deep, but it's just the effects of the pollen, you tell yourself - and gestures to his thigh. "You can lean back into me, don't worry, it'll be better for your back."

This has to feel as good for him as it does for you. Logically, it has to. You've both breathed in the same pollen, his skin has the same sheen of sweat that you can feel on your own skin, you're both trembling in every part of your body, and he's still rock hard. You can feel yourself leaking, god, enough that it might have dampened your leggings and left a wet spot on the desk. What would Dick do, if he saw that? He's clearly turned on, but maybe he still has the good sense to avoid fucking: maybe his view of you as 'just platonic' is so deeply ingrained, he would never touch you down there to feel how wet he's made you. Or, maybe he wants you like you want him.

"Are - are you sure?", you stammer. You can't stop looking at his lap. His cock, painfully obvious (and he mustn't care, because he blatantly drew your attention to it), and the corded muscle of his thighs, spread out straight to form you a perch.

"Mhmm...", he hums from somewhere deep in his chest, and suddenly you're grateful that he's still holding your hand, because the sound almost makes your knees buckle. He tugs gently. "Only if you want to be close to me, though."

He says that like an afterthought - like he knows exactly what you want, and like he's hungry for your touch and doesn't want to consider the idea that you don't want to give him it. You can't bring yourself to look at him before you move to sit in his lap, because you know he'll see the desire, and for now, you're still pretending that you don't want to push him down in that chair and ride him for hours. He'd like that, you think. He'd like it if you pulled his hair while you did it.

Dick lets go of your hand so he can take your waist in both hands, guiding you down onto his lap and gripping harder when your ass inadvertently brushes over his cock. You don't mean to do it, of course, and you jump like you've been shocked: you shuffle further down his thigh to avoid another mishap, but the movement causes your pussy to just barely drag against the hard muscle - you hardly manage to control your moan, forced to sink your teeth into your lip. Thankfully, Dick doesn't seem to notice, and he helps you lean back so his chest is pressed to your back, before lifting his arms to rest on the armrests. From here, he begins to rub soothing lines up and down your arms, and he tips his cheek down to rest against your shoulder with a relieved sigh.

"Fuck, that... yeah, that feels better.", you practically gasp. Feeling him pressed up against the entire length of your body, as torturous as it is, is the most relief you've gained all evening; his legs are shaking just enough that you can feel it in your core, though, and you're forced to tilt your head back to rest on his shoulder. You'll lose your fucking mind if you don't start to relax, he's right.

With your neck exposed, though, you can feel Dick's hot breath tickling your skin when he speaks. "Good, right? It feels good?". For the first time, you really hear the tension in his voice. So much so that you can't pass it off as your own projections, or a trick of his tone - he's just as desperate as you are, holy shit, he sounds halfway to begging, he sounds like he's dying to know that his touch is making you feel good. Your hips twitch of their own accord.

"Yeah... Dick?", you whisper after a few moments. He nods in response against your shoulder, a slow, dragging movement that feels like honey dripping through your veins from the point of contact. "Are you really warm, too, or like - is that just me? I - I feel like I'm burning up... Do you mind if I..." - you trail off, instead opting to tug cautiously at the hem of your shirt.

He sucks in a deep, rapid breath that you feel press against your back. For a moment, you worry that you've gone too far - it feels so good, but it's too weird, too strange for him even now - but then he slowly curls his fingers around the hem, replacing your own hands, and starts to pull upwards at a torturous pace. His knuckles drag over your lower abdomen for just a second and your hips twitch again, and he definitely felt it this time but he says nothing, and his breathing is warm and fast against the skin of your neck; with the shirt discarded, you're left in nothing more than a thin bra. Although the room feels warm, furnace-hot, you're all too aware of the blatant hardness of your nipples, and you tell yourself it's okay, he won't notice, because you're facing away and he won't - his palm drags against your breast on the way back down and it feels so good, too good, and you can't help but whimper, "Fuck, yes-"

Three things happen in quick succession. Dick freezes, you realise what you've done and move to jump up and run for the hills, and then Dick grabs your hips and pulls you back into him, right over his cock, this time. The friction makes both of you let out a breathy sigh, but where you clap a hand over your mouth, Dick follows it up with a hoarse proposition. "I can touch you properly, if you want. It'll make all this go away, I promise - do you want me to?", he rasps, pressing one, quick kiss to the skin where your neck meets your shoulder. "Do you want me to touch you?"

His grasp on your hips is tight, wanting, but gentle enough that you know he wouldn't stop you if you tried to leave again. When you make no move to do so - you're frozen, you can't believe he's just offered to do what your body is screaming for - Dick pulls at your hips, slowly, dragging your ass over his cock and then pushing you back down. He repeats the motion a few times, rolling his own hips up into you a little more with each motion, and soon your muscles start to work so you can grind down onto him. Dick rewards you with a quiet moan - oh, you want him to do that again, you're going to make him do that again, louder and louder - and then, with a touch so light you could cry, he traces one hand over your hipbones and down to your pussy.

One finger traces your slit through your leggings, and you hear yourself moan, but you're hardly aware of making the noise - just this simple touch feels almost as good as the orgasm you had earlier, even just this feather-light pressure through two layers of fabric, and every nerve ending in your body sets alight at once. This is what you needed, more than anything, for Dick to touch you and drag you down onto his cock, and you're so overwhelmed that every muscle in your body goes lax, leaving you to collapse into his chest.

Dick rubs gently at your pussy a few more times, like he's exploring you, and then suddenly he taps right where your clit is. You cry out, and he sighs against your neck. "God, I can feel how wet you are already. You should have told me, I would've done something sooner, you know that - fuck, you're so wet, let me - let me finger you, huh? Please?"

"Yeah - please, Dick.", you whine, and when you say his name, he moans and shoves his cock up against you again. He mumbles something into your skin that you don't quite make out, and then his hand is fumbling with your waistband, clumsily slipping into your underwear and then he's there, his fingers are brushing right against your clit, you sob out a broken cry - you're so wet that his fingers brush right through your folds, gliding like silk, and by the time he reaches your hole, two fingers easily sink in right to the knuckle.

Your pussy instantly clenches down, hard, and you feel more full than you thought could be possible. Dick moans into the skin of your neck and gives you a moment to calm down, to soothe the desperate jolting of your hips, before he starts to pump his fingers; slowly, at first, but soon picking up into a faster and more urgent pace. With each movement, he scissors his fingers a little, spreading you wider every time, and he starts to mouth at your neck with hot, wet kisses. "Do you like that, yeah? Am I making you feel good? Is this what you need?"

You fling an arm behind you to grasp at his hair, and when you tug after a particularly delicious curl of his fingers, he bites down hard onto your shoulder. "Fuck, yes, yes - please don't stop, please, Dick, don't stop-"

"I'm not going to stop, don't worry, I've got you - I'm here, I'm not gonna stop, you sound too pretty for me to stop, fuck - I knew you would sound pretty, keep making those noises for me."

Your body feels like it's going through the most intense orgasm of your life, especially now that he's given up on pumping his fingers in favour of curling them in rapid beats against your g-spot, but you know that you're not even coming yet: you're close, though, judging by the way the room is spinning around you, and the pressure building in the pit of your stomach - "I think I'm close, Dick, - oh, oh, oh my god, I don't - it's never felt like this before, I don't - fuck-"

"I know, I know, baby-", he croons, and the pet name has you tugging at his hair again, the other hand white-knuckled on the armrest, "-it's okay, it's gonna feel different - it's gonna feel better, I promise, it's going to be so good, I'm going to get you there, baby, come on."

"Fuck - fucking - Jesus, Dick, keep going, just like that-!", you all but shout, and Dick continues the massaging movement right up on your g-spot: the positioning of his hand means the heel of his palm is dragging over your clit, and your hips are frantically grinding up into his hand - god, you're gonna come, the world feels like it's crashing down around you, you feel the contractions start a few seconds before it actually hits you and it's going to be earth-shattering, you know it, every muscle in your body tenses up and through it all you hear Dick whispering, come on, that's it, I've got you, come on, come on, and then you're coming-

Distantly, you can feel his fingers continue their movements inside of you, unrelenting - and the other hand keeps a firm grip on your hips, grounding you onto his lap - but other than that, all you know is the white-flash across your vision and the pleasure slamming into each nerve in your body, one by one and then all at once: this is better than anything you've ever felt, better than every orgasm put together, and it feels feels for a moment like you're actually going to black out from the sheer intensity of the pleasure.

Then, suddenly, you're back in reality. Dick is heaving for breath against your shoulder, but it's nothing compared to the way your own lungs are screaming for air - god, you think you were screaming, given the scratching sensation in your throat - and his fingers are back to a slow, steady pumping, in and out of your swollen pussy. It hurts, a little, but this one orgasm has done nothing to sate your desperate hunger: in fact, it's only made it worse, only increased your desire for him, and you swear his cock is impossibly harder against your ass now.

"You - you're dripping onto my hand, baby, oh my god...", Dick pants, and there's a heartbeat where neither of you move - then, you feel his breath hitch, and suddenly his other hand is shoving unceremoniously under your waistband and going straight for your clit. He picks up the pace with the two fingers still inside you, matching each curl with a flick over your clit, and the motions are all so frenzied, those of a man possessed with some ravenous desire, like his one purpose is to have you writhing in his lap, and you give a wordless cry - too overcome with blinding pleasure to actually make a sound - that allows you to hear his ragged words. "Please, give me another one, one more - I want to make you squirt this time, it's going to be so good, I promise, just give me one more, pretty girl-"

This time, it's not just one wave of pleasure, spreading from your core and emanating outwards; no, it's wave after wave after wave, violently crashing over you and completely overcoming every part of your body, unrelenting and constant - this one lasts at least twice as long as the last, but you're hardly in the right state of mind to keep track of time, and every wave of pleasure that rushes through you is tenfold stronger than the last. You hear yourself shriek his name in the most pathetic, broken tone, and Dick cages you in against his body as best as he can as he keeps both hands working at your pussy, and you realise you're sobbing when he finally, finally stops.

When his fingers slip out of your pussy and exit your leggings, they're dripping wet. Dick audibly gasps, and then he brings his fingers to his mouth and sucks, moaning around the digits, and through hazy eyes you can see the most fucked-out look on his face just at the taste of your cum. He licks his fingers clean - you feel your pussy clench down again at the sight - before opening his eyes, fixing you with an intense stare, and panting, "You taste so fucking good - baby, I'm not going to be able to stop, I'm sorry, I need this, I need to fuck you - please."

He's asking permission, you realise. Neither of you are in control of what you're doing anymore, and he's still asking, as best as he can, if he's allowed to fuck you. There's a terrified look in his eyes, behind the frenzy and the lust - you clumsily crash your lips against his. He tastes of your juices, but it's one of the hottest things you've ever experienced, and he moans openly into your mouth, eagerly meeting your tongue with his own. You're exhausted, but kissing him renews your energy tenfold. You're suddenly overcome with the urge to feel his cock - inside you, yes, but you want to see it first, you want to make him cry out and moan and gasp for you - so you manoeuvre in his lap, keeping your mouth against his, to straddle his narrow hips and face him.

"Ah - ah, god, that feels amazing.", Dick moans, broken up between sloppy kisses, saliva starting to drip down both of your chins - but it's hot, so hot - as you frantically reach down to palm at him. The instant you finally touch his cock, you're gone: there's no stopping now that you can feel how achingly hard he is, now that you feel how he twitches under your hand each time you kiss him, and it takes much longer than you would like to undo the drawstring of his sweatpants, pull them down, and wrap your hand around the exposed length of him. He hisses as his whole body jerks.

Instantly, you set a frenzied pace of stroking him, relishing in each ragged moan that you rip from his throat; he's leaking into your palm, you realise, dripping over your fingers as you pull him back by the hair and attach your lips to his neck. When you suck a bruise into the softest part of his skin - the salty-sweat-tangy hollow beneath his Adam's apple - he shouts out your name, loud, followed by, "-fuck, fu- let me fuck you, baby, please, I - I'm close, you have to stop-"

"Come on my hand, Dickie.", you plead, and you're granted a thick spurt of precum when you lick a stripe up the column of his throat: he tastes so good, his skin so hot under your mouth, you can't stop, and you croon right into his ear, "It's - it's gonna last for hours, still, you're still gonna be hard - I'm still so needy for you, Dickie, look - come on my hand, let me see it, please. You can fuck me after, just come for me where I can watch it, oh - oh, please." His moans start to pick up in volume and frequency, coming from a place deeper in his throat. He's close, you know.

You've started to grind onto his thigh somewhere along the way. It feels amazing, it feels even better because you know he's twitching and aching for you just inches away - once you finally drag yourself out of the crook of his neck, you see that you've left a damp streak on his sweatpants in the wake of your hips, and the steady stream of precum leaking from his cock has soaked the material higher up. "Come on, Dickie, come on, let me see you come, I wanna see it, I - I'll, fuck, I'll lick it clean after, Jesus-", you blurt out, too far gone to be horrified at the ease with which the words spill from your lips.

"Oh, baby, shit-” he cries, and then his voice dissolves into a broken jumble of incoherent mumbles and whines. His cock twitches hard in your palm, once, twice, three times against the rapid pace you maintain on him, and then Dick bucks his hips up into your hand, back arched, perfectly still and tense; he comes hard, almost whimpering, head thrown back and eyes tightly shut, looking so, so perfect as you stroke him through it and grind feverishly onto his thigh. It's the image of his cock that has the breath snatched from your chest, though. Several thick ropes of cum spurt from him as you work him through it, some hitting the skin of your abdomen and some dripping down the length, and it just keeps going, no sign of stopping until Dick completely collapses, after almost a minute of moaning and coming - your hand is drenched with him.

The sight of his cum dripping from your palm makes something in your stomach clench hard, painfully, and suddenly you need to taste him, you have to, it hurts so much and it'll go away as soon as you get your mouth on him. You scramble off the chair, almost falling to your knees in front of him - he rushes to steady you, even with weak and shaky arms - but you don't care about how graceful you look right now. As soon as you manage to nestle yourself between thighs, you lick flat up the underside of his cock. The taste of it makes your eyes roll back in your head. Dick spits, "Holy shit!", and it trails off into a deep gasp as you wrap your lips around him and sink down as far as you can go. You'd take your time, usually, but everything in your body is screaming for you to taste him, let him fill you, and you're in no position for argument.

With each dip of your head - punctuated with a moan from the man above you, each one becoming closer to a growl, animalistic, and you think the pollen is beginning to send your bodies into total overdrive now - you take him as deeply as you can. You're nearly gagging, but that's what you need. His hands tangle into your hair; at first, you can tell he's trying to be as gentle as he can, but that's soon overcome with a tight, guiding grip that pushes you further down onto his cock with each bob of your mouth. The burning heat under your skin is killing you now, too much to ignore, so you manage to shuffle out of your leggings and underwear and kick them away: Dick groans roughly, maybe because he can smell you more clearly now-

"Come here, pretty girl-", Dick says, sliding his hands from your hair to lift you up by the jaw. You mean to whine, perhaps beg him to let you back down, because he feels so good in your mouth - then you see the look on his face. He looks totally gone. Nothing like the Dick you know, warm and gentle and relaxed: his eyes are completely clouded over, lips parted and slick with saliva, brow furrowed with something between pain and carnal desire. You imagine you look much the same, with spit dripping from your chin, the heat you can feel burning your cheeks, and the wetness you feel running down the insides of your thighs. He meets your eyes, and there's a moment of stillness. One thumb slips from your cheek to trace over your lower lip.

Then, both of you move at once - you surge forward to kiss him again, those perfect, pink lips - you fumble with the hem of his shirt, ripping it up and over his head while barely leaving his mouth for a second - Dick's hands slide down your body to your waist. He pulls you into him as he leans forward, half-supporting your weight, and suddenly your back is against the floor and he's on top of you, kissing you hard and bruising, the chair long since kicked away and forgotten about. Every inch of freshly exposed skin feels like molten silk under your touch: you slide greedy hands over his torso as he licks into your mouth, feeling the network of ridged scars and each ridge of muscle. Thankfully, Dick grants you a few precious, savoured moments to feel his skin, while he alternates between rolling his hips against your bare pussy and kicking off his sweatpants.

It's all ungraceful and clumsy - wet kisses stolen between your movements, each of you moaning against the other's lips - and it takes much, much too long for both of you to finally shed yourself of all your clothes. Dick's hands grab greedily at your breasts as he ruts his hips against you a few times, and you can feel how your wetness spreads over his cock. Then, his hands fly down to find your knees, and he drags them to fit around his waist, pulling up until your hips are fully tilted, the stretch of your muscles verging on uncomfortable. "Oh, fuck, that's it, baby. Keep your legs there for me, won't you? Come on, wrap your legs around me - I want to get as deep as I can, it's gonna feel amazing, I promise.", Dick says, bordering on a growl now that his voice is so deep and strained, and you do as he says immediately. You need him inside of you, now; you hook your ankles behind his back, kiss him, and desperately grind your hips into his.

And then, with one deep roll of his hips, he's inside of you. One quick thrust and he's buried to the hilt, and, God, he fits inside you so perfectly: your body all but melts at the feeling of finally being filled, and you keen as you instinctively use your ankles to press his hips further into you. Dick's just large enough to stretch you out, even with how wet and ready you are, without becoming painful, and the pollen means it only takes you a short moment to adjust to his size before your body is pleading to be fucked. He's shaking and panting with restraint above you whimper, "Ho-holy fuck, Dickie, please... please move, oh my god."

"I know, baby, I know.", he says, breathlessly, voice tight with pleasure but still sympathetic. Even with him motionless inside you, it already feels so good, better than anyone you've ever fucked, and you can hardly stop yourself from grabbing him by the shoulders, pushing him down, and riding him. "It just feels so good, you feel so good - I don't want to rush it, I want to make it last. Jesus, my body feels like it's on fire while I'm touching you, I - oh, fuck, I want to take it slow, make you feel so good you cry-"

"-We have all night to be slow, Dick, you can do whatever you want to me, just fuck me-"

Dick's hips roll into yours and a drawled curse falls from his parted lips. He pulls out, almost completely, enough that you panic and squeeze him tighter with your thighs, but then he pushes back into you, slowly, letting you savour the way each nerve ending inside your pussy is set ablaze; he repeats the motion, faster, his curses morphing into sweet mumbles of your name each time he bottoms out. You can hardly breathe - it feels so good, and each thrust of his hips is met with a pollen-driven roll of your own, so it's half-grinding, half-fucking - the slight curve of his cock has him dragging deliciously against your g-spot every time. His movements are picking up in intensity now, and you can tell the pollen is taking him over completely. The same is happening to you: fuck it, you don't want to think about the pollen anymore, you just want him.

"Ah, yes! Yes, right there-right- keep going-", you cry out after a particularly hard slam of his hips. Dick is propped up on one elbow, hair clinging to his forehead with sweat, and the other hand slips down to grab at your ass and pull you up into him. He's deep enough that it hurts, but it's the best pain you've ever experienced. "Fuck, faster, please!"

He obeys, mercifully, and you think you can see sweat starting to bead on his temples. "Is this what you need, pretty girl? Come on, tell me what you want - tell me I'm making you feel good, because you're making me feel so fucking good, I swear, better than I ever even imagined - fuck, you're so wet, are you going to come again? Please, please let me make you come on my cock."

The combination of his cock inside you, and his pelvis bumping against your clit, and the overwhelming sensations coursing through your body: it's all too much to bear, your body is going into total overdrive, and it's so embarrassing that he's got you like this. You never normally beg, you never normally come so fast, but this is different and addictive and incredible - you cry out an affirmation to his words, and suddenly his hand is gripping your chin. He's fully collapsed onto you now, and his movements are more frantic rutting than anything else.

"Look at me-", he pleads, using his hand to guide your face so you're staring right into those glassy eyes. "-look at me while you come, and it'll make me come."

You can feel your muscles beginning to tense up as your orgasm starts to grow. Already, your world is spinning, and you feel halfway to blacking out from the sheer intensity, so you tangle your hands into his hair as a way to ground yourself. "Please come inside me!", you whine - the idea of being filled with his cum, letting it drip out while he fucks another load into you, it's fucking mind-blowing and you can't imagine anything better than feeling him shoot into you while you come on his cock.

Dick's jaw clenches tightly. "Are - are you sure, baby? Is that what you want?"

The next thrust hits you perfectly, and you can't help but pull him tighter into you, so his head drops to the crook of your neck. "I need it, Dickie, you know - you know that - you need me too, right? Fuck, fuck - it's gonna feel so good, I'm so close-". He spends a few moments sucking a bruise into the most tender skin of your neck before moving to press his forehead to yours. Each rough movement of his hips has you jostling against the floor; your nipples are dragging against his chest every time, making you keen, and your swollen clit is being hit so perfectly by his hips, and he's making the most perfect and breathy noises against you - he looks so fucked-out, so gone, so completely absorbed in the feeling of his cock inside you, and your vision is starting to blur at the edges as the spark in your stomach finally bursts into flames-

"That's it, baby, come for me just like that.", Dick gasps, just as your orgasm rips through you. You've got no choice but to clutch at him desperately and ride out each devastating wave as a scream tears itself from your lungs: it feels like your body is tearing itself apart with each ripple of pleasure emanating from your core. Like your body is folding in on itself like a black hole does, when everything becomes too much to bear. You actually feel like you've died, you must have, this is too good and too much and too overwhelming - you hang on to Dick through it all, and your pussy clenches down so hard he can barely move inside you, and he chokes out your name before his own orgasm hits him.

You've come down just enough to process the way he looks and sounds as he comes. Your eyes are still hazy - you kept them on him, you must have - but you nearly come again at the mere sight of him. He's too far gone to even make sounds, and instead he stutters out broken breaths through wet lips, cheeks flushed and eyebrows furrowed hard, and his eyes stay fixed on you the whole time. Even as the rest of his body spasms and rocks into you uncontrollably, even as the hand on your chin slips down to your neck and squeezes, he keeps staring at you with all the lust in the world. The best part of it all, though, is how you feel his cum spilling out into you; even more than he shot onto your hand, somehow, and you realise you're crying from how relieved your body is. Fully, fully, crying, and Dick kisses away your tears as he collapses against you.

Despite how both of you are wincing at the overstimulation, neither of you ever stop moving through it all, and you keep grinding gingerly, carefully but sloppily, against each other even while you gasp for breath against each others' lips. It can't be more than ten seconds from when you come down, before you can't control the urge to whisper, "Give me another one, Dick, please. Keep fucking me." It hurts - it hurts because he's not fucking you, he's not moving enough - you need more.

Dick keeps rolling his hips against yours in shallow movements for a few seconds. His mouth is occupied with sucking more bruises into your neck, up your throat and across your jaw: he's mumbling something incoherent, slurring his words. Each fresh bruise has you gasping his name. You're going to be covered in marks after this - not just your neck, his grip on your ass and hips has been tight enough to leave bruises there, too - and you're entirely certain you've left scratch marks down his back. You nearly come again just at the thought of that; Dick, walking around for days with your marks left on him. Scratch marks under his dress shirts when he's on business, or under the tight material of his Nightwing suit, or blatantly visible through the obscenely sheer shirts he wears out clubbing. He's going to be marked as yours.

"You look so pretty like this, holy shit-", he says, pulling his head from your neck to admire his work. "You're so gorgeous - you always are, you always fucking are - but you look even better when you're mine, fuck-"

“-make me yours, then, please-"

You gasp in shock and disappointment as Dick suddenly pulls out, and his own face crumples at the loss of touch, but his palms are firm and insistent on your waist - he kisses you once, firmly, before he's manoeuvring your body like putty in his hands. You're flipped onto your stomach with another whisper of how pretty you are, and then Dick runs calloused palms down the soaked flesh of your thighs, up over your ass, over the curve of your spine and all the way up to gently, gently, press your cheek flat against the floor. He follows his hand with hot tongue, and when he reaches your ear, he murmurs, "You taste so good, pretty girl. Stay there for me. It's okay, let go. I've got you."

Uncontrollably, your ass jerks up and backwards against where his cock is pressing into you. He chuckles. He fucking laughs with his lips pressed to your cheek - maybe having came inside you has cleared his head enough that he can think straight enough to find your desperation funny - and one of his hands slides back down your body, spreading your pussy open for him to look at. You sense his body tense as he gazes at you. "...My cum is dripping out of you, oh my god."

Fuck it back into me, you think, but you're too far gone to string together a coherent sentence anymore. Your body can do the talking. You keep your cheek pressed to the floor, maybe because your muscles are too exhausted to lift your head, or maybe because it was so fucking hot how Dick pressed your head down, but you manage to meet his eyes. You plead with him as well as you can.

Dick's piercing blue eyes roll right back into his skull when he pushes into you again. From this angle, he feels even deeper than before: with one of his hands running lines up your spine, and his lips wet against the backs of your shoulders, and the steady, strong pace he sets fucking you, you're brought to the verge of tears again within minutes. You can hardly move your body to work with him in this position: he uses the weight of his body to press you into the floor, and each thrust of his hips has you moaning loud against the floor.

He brings a string of kisses and nips up your nape, so he can kiss your cheek again. It's sweet, a gentle gesture, only amplifying the pleasure that each deep snap of his hips brings. "I - I'm not hurting you, am I? I know it must be sensitive, baby, I understand if it's too much, I know - you can tell me if it's too much-"

"-no, please-", you whimper, terrified he's going to stop, "-it's so good, please, Dickie, you're exactly what I need-", and then your voice cuts out into a broken sob as one of his hand snakes between your body and the floor to find your clit. The rough pad of his finger brushes over it a few times, eliciting whimpers from you, before he settles for simply resting his finger on your clit. With each thrust, your hips are jostled against his finger just enough to send sparks of electricity shooting through your veins - every time, it feels like flames licking through each limb, and he's fucking into you so perfectly, claiming you with teeth at your neck, rasping your name against your skin - there's wetness against your cheek, like you're drooling, and you're almost certain you can feel the wetness of your pussy dripping onto his hand.

You're so swollen with desire, you can feel how tightly you're clenching down onto his cock. The mind-blowing pressure Dick's applying to your clit is only making it stronger. "You feel so good, baby. So, so, fucking good - holy shit, you're taking me so well." Then, there's a savage thrust of his hips, one that has both of you crying out in surprise and pleasure: he freezes buried to the hilt inside you. "You're going to make me come again soon, sweetie."

That means more of his cum inside you, more of his delicious moans and groans as he comes, and you say, "God, please-"

"-not yet, I want to make you come for me again. You feel so tight and hot when you do - I need it again, I want nothing more than that, please - you think you can give me another one, huh? One more for me?"

"I - I - yeah.", you stammer. You can, you know you can - your body is practically vibrating from how hard you're trembling on the edge of another orgasm - but you don't know when it's going to stop, you don't know it ever will - maybe this will go on all night, maybe he'll fuck you for hours on end and make you cry and let you lick your mess of his cock. But maybe it won't. Maybe your body will give out, or the pollen will leave his system: this will end and nothing will ever compare. You don't want to come again if it means the end of this pleasure. "...Promise you'll keep going after, Dickie."

Dick starts rubbing rapid circles on your clit with his ring and index finger, and kisses your hairline to soothe you as you sob again. "I'm only going to stop if you ask me to, baby, I promise. You feel too good to stop, I swear - I never thought you would be so fucking perfect, but now I know, I can't stop - I'm right here, I've got you, I'm going to make you come so many times you forget your name if that's what you want."

God, you're going to come again, holy shit-

He hardly gives you the chance to come back around before he's crooning, "-one more, one more for me, right on my cock like that-"

You can't even breathe. Your lungs are on fire, your vision is completely blacked out even once the second orgasm ends, your muscles and bones have turned into mush and you can't feel anything other than the sensation of flying. You're weightless, Dick is the only thing grounding you - he coaxes you down from the aftershocks with soft kisses to your cheek, and his hand tracing circles onto your aching hip, and the muscles of his abdomen are flexing with restraint against your back. "I'm gonna come, baby-", he hisses, and you manage the barest nod and then he sinks his teeth right into your shoulder as he starts pounding into you like a whore, fuck, it's sending you spiralling out of control again-

"Fuck, yes, take my cum like that, that's it, keep coming for me, holy shit-"

You're both boneless and drenched in sweat by the end of it. You're collapsed against the floor, Dick's collapsed against you, and he's still hard inside of you. You can feel his cum - it must have spilled out onto the insides of your thighs, judging by the wetness you feel there. His cock twitches inside of you with every ragged breath he takes. You're so exhausted; this is destroying your body, it's ripping you apart from the inside out, and you're terrified that if you come again it'll split you into pieces. And you want that. You twist your body, wincing against the waves of pleasure that crash over you at even the slightest movement of his cock inside you, and kiss him.

#dick grayson #dick grayson x reader #nightwing #nightwing x reader #dc #dcu #batman #batfam #kinktober #smut #dick grayson smut #sex pollen

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intangibly-here · 3 years

Text

i miss you (more than anything)

zhongli x gn!reader

- scenario; 2.4k words - modern!au - fluff - jealousy

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zhongli isn’t one for jealousy— usually.

title from mitski - francis forever.

requested by anon.

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“an excellent choice, sir.”

again with the nicknames...

slender fingers pick up a considerably stylized box, the smooth white a stark contrast to dark, glove-adorned palms. zhongli turns the box over in his hands, inspecting the various fine print explanations splayed along the edges of the plastic. now this is...

BANG!

clink.

zhongli barely stifles a flinch at the sound of the door slamming, hinges squeaking and metal lock clicking into place with a whirlwind of motion. amber eyes flick up to the doorway, then back down to the polished counter.

five minutes late.

he sets the ice cube he’s handling into a wine glass after a brief pause, beginning to fashion up a flute of apple cider vinegar. the pattering of lively footsteps against tiled flooring rapidly grows nearer, clattering to a halt directly across the bar from where he stands.

“hey there, mister zhongli! looking just about as boring as ever!”

hu tao plops into the cushioned chair, swiveling back and forth on the seat and leaning forward to watch him pour the concoction.

(it’s designated for customers of course— though that’s only usually. she happens to claim, to his exasperation, that she has “owner privileges”; whatever that could possibly mean when the place itself is meant to serve the needs of customers: that would include the spacing and chairs they may potentially desire when they enter the premises. unfortunately, he’s given up on understanding on her whims.)

from his position across the counter, zhongli absentmindedly spies the edge of a bright-red butterfly wing from underneath her outfit’s loose, flowing sleeves, the simple pendant string looped twice around her wrist.

swallowtail.

it’s the name (”like the butterfly, zhongli! the butterfly!”) of the establishment he’s currently employed at and is “run” by the granddaughter of a distant relative (though the bar is legally owned by said relative’s family). due to his— well, rather particular (per say) spending habits and a lack of mindfulness regarding the matter of what they liked to call savings (why would there be a need for these “savings”? he’d like to protest he’s traversed life well enough without them), he’d been pushed into putting the multitude of experience from past jobs into this one.

and well, here he is now.

chop. chop.

two evenly-sliced apple slices tip over from against the blade of the knife and onto the wooden cutting board. fetching a sprig of mint from the small potted plant just below the rack of knives (growing lights and shelving did wonders in the spontaneous lighting of the nightclub), zhongli finished decorating the non-alcoholic drink of choice for the pseudo-proprietress. who knew what havoc she’d cheerfully throw herself into, archons forbid, if it were liquor. she’s already enough of a handful as it is.

he sighs in resignation and slides the beverage over. the ice tinkles in the glass confines. he does have a favor to ask today after all. hu tao gives the drink a sniff, then puffs her cheeks in mock anger.

“no alcohol? booooo, you’re such a rock.”

she takes a generous sip anyway.

“so, what did you call me here for? not very zhongli-like for you to ask something of lil’ ol’ me. archons, have you been replaced?”

she squints at him judgingly, then raises an eyebrow when he hesitates to answer.

“doesn’t look that way, old man.”

zhongli can feel the beginnings of a headache forming between his brows. he waves his hand dismissingly as if flicking away her babbling nonsense.

“i have a favor to ask of you.”

“oh-ho?”

hu tao smirks playfully and pushes the half-finished drink aside, craning her neck forward.

“what can i do for our esteemed mister zhongli, hm? hehe.”

zhongli clenches his fist under the edge of the woodwork in an effort to calm his raging annoyance.

(it doesn’t help.)

he should just ask, shouldn’t he..?

“..i’ve been pondering this for a number of days now, but nothing quite appropriate for the occasion has happened to come to mind... do you happen to have any gift ideas for...”

he looks to the side to avoid eye contact and trails off, but hu tao immediately gets the memo.

“ohhh..” her smile only grows wider, “this is for your daaaate—”

zhongli’s face flushes the slightest tinge of rosy pink and he hisses a sharp “shush!” through gritted teeth. and here he had thought she couldn’t get on his nerves beyond how she’d already acted thus far...

the cheshire grin on her face still continues to climb.

“well, you’ve definitely asked the right person! how about...”

some new polaroid film? is what she had proposed.

“it’s not some fancy-schmancy anniversary gift, no? just a date! a date! don’t worry yourself so much over it— no, don’t look at me like that. if you called me over to ask about it, you’re deeeefinitely losing hair over this— okay, okay, i got it! don’t kick me out! old man... sheesh. why don’t you get some more polaroid film and wrap it up all nice? useful and an excuse to take more pictures together! i know, i know, i’m a genius— mmph!”

he can still hear her voice bouncing around in his head (”can’t believe you’re getting rid of your boss, mister zhongli! didn’t take you for the rebellious type—”). zhongli brings his hand up to his temple and breathes out another sigh. it’s not like her idea was a terrible one; if anything, it were a wonderfully exquisite proposal— not that he would tell her.

“i’d like to purchase this, if you would.”

he hands the box over to the shopkeep, who scans the package and rings up the bill. indiscreetly, he feels up the pocket of his jacket. thank the archons he remembered his wallet today. it would certainly be embarrassing to put this particular item on your tab.

“sure thing, mister zhongli. i’m assuming this is a gift,” they eye him knowingly, “so would you like it wrapped up?”

deja vu, his brain mutters, this is very much deja vu. he shuts it up promptly.

“not this time, but you have my sincerest thanks for the offer. i’d like to wrap it myself.” he can feel his (generally..) expressionless face flaring up the faintest hint of pink and berates his mind once more. only when it comes to you...

acquiring the purchased item, zhongli dips his head in acknowledgement as he heads out. the plants hanging from baskets strung along the ceiling sway their leaves to and fro, nearly catching a wayward lock of his hair. he smooths the stray strand back.

“thank you once again, aether. let lumine know they can drop by for some tea again whenever they’d like for me, please.”

the bell hanging over the doorway tinkles when he pushes it open, and the bustle of the busy harbor seeps into the tranquility of the shop. aether nods and waves a hand at him in return, resting an arm on the cash register.

“come again.”

while he’d imagined many ways your planned outing could play out, this was certainly not one of them.

he’s approaching the meeting spot you two had decided on (right in front of the flowering quince tree near the park; its blooms resemble those of simpler, smaller silk flowers, and it happens to be quite the scenic location to wait) when he spies not only your stature, but another figure residing right besides you.

who...?

as he steps closer, he can hear your laughter, the kind that he knows bubbles out of your chest and escapes your lips unconsciously. your amusement isn’t lost on your companion apparently, because they smirk teasingly, letting out a full-blown laugh of their own.

“oh, zhongli, over here!”

your voice snaps him out of his meandering thoughts, and he stops fiddling with his earring (when did he start doing that?), continuing forward from where he’d paused in his observations of this newcomer. something starts to bloom in his chest, small and bittersweet. he’s not sure what to make of it.

following your beckoning, zhongli finally makes his way to your side, mentally taking note of your.. friend? he doesn’t remember you mentioning anyone like this before though. surely he would remember your friends, no?

his earring sways in the wind, white tassel fluttering cheerfully.

“zhongli, this is my friend kaeya. i met him when i made that trip to mondstadt awhile back, remember that? oh, and kaeya, this is my boyfriend zhongli.”

(the little dragon curled up in his heart preens at your introduction of him, small and sweet.)

ice blue meets molten gold when zhongli’s eyes dart up to make eye contact with this stranger. they squint at him, assessing, then dip into the makings of a playful twinkle. a hand reaches out for a handshake, which he returns in equal measure. interesting...

“he got a little lost touring liyue and i happened to see him here in the park. small world, huh? i know it was our day love, but do you mind if we take him around for today?”

zhongli smiles appeasingly, gentle and assuring as always. he can recognize the slightly nervous look on your face, one that’s a stark contrast to how energetic you’d looked just a few minutes ago. if kaeya’s company makes you happy and you’d like to take him around, then who is he to refuse your request? you two will have more time to spend with just the two of you later, he reasons with himself. accompanying your friend, and in turn his acquaintance, is nothing big.

(and no, it’s certainly not you calling him love that makes him cave.)

“of course we can.”

tugging at the string of his eyepatch, kaeya swiftly ties his hair back and adjusts the collar of his shirt. “so, where to first?”

zhongli takes your hand in his, squeezing softly. you squeeze back.

getting along together should come just fine.

he takes it back.

he takes it all back.

he’d accepted it at first because, well, this was your friend. he shouldn’t be controlling who you interact with nor who befriended you - that’s not up to him. it shouldn’t ever be. however— with every passing moment that kaeya inched closer to you, taking up the entirety of your attention and bringing that bright, bright grin to your face—

(this was supposed to be your date. just the two of you. he hasn’t seen you in a month; surely he can feel a bit selfish, right?)

the three of you turn the corner to an intricately-themed restaurant and pause, where even zhongli looks appreciatively at the beautifully grown bamboo stalks lining the edges of its front walls.

“wanmin restaurant,” kaeya reads, craning his neck up to gaze at the signboard. bold red calligraphy is sprawled across the rough-cut wood. “awfully simple name for such a stunning place, isn’t it?”

if he weren’t stewing in a pot of conflicted emotions, zhongli would surely inform him of how carefully selected this title was, how it represented more than just a name, how it hid at least several decades worth of effort and teachings— but as it is, he (really, of all people) has no patience for that at the moment.

first tugging on the hem of your outfit, zhongli then takes you by the elbow and hastily leads you forward to the glass doors of the establishment. he grasps your hand in his as usual, but something must be off, because you twitch a little and look at him curiously.

he turns his head away, lips pursed just the slightest.

“let us dine here for the time being. it is an appropriate time and place, after all.”

the sun shines brightly in the clear sky as if illuminating his words.

kaeya raises an eyebrow, singular eye looking on inquisitively and arms crossed, then moves further ahead of you both once more. the corner of his mouth dips in a clear show of mirth. bowing with one arm held at the waist, one not unalike a formality from a server, he looks straight into zhongli’s eyes and holds the door open for entrance.

“that sounds like an excellent idea. well, if you would.”

“thanks for the tour around you two.”

kaeya hums his thanks with a cheerful lilt to his voice as you all stand under the porchlight of zhongli’s house.

(it’s not the largest abode, but it’s cozy and sweet, and it’s definitely enough for the both of you whenever you decide to stay over. tonight is one of those nights, and they may as well become more frequent after the trip you took abroad.)

his car keys reflect the glow of the bulb, swinging around his finger in loops. they clink noisily, metal against metal, and he grabs them all at once, halfway through another turn. in his car sits a box of treasure-themed artifacts, likely old and had found its way into your hands somehow. zhongli knows you’d been meaning to give them to someone, but he hadn’t known it were kaeya— either way, the artifacts that’d been laying on his shelves for weeks were now handed off.

ruffling your hair, kaeya pulls you in for a brief hug; although zhongli can feel the bitter pang in his chest, he stays where he stands, keeps it still and small. he can wait.

that said, the moment kaeya drives off, he’s hauling you into the house and curling up on the couch, pulling you onto his lap and tugging you into his arms. the long thought over gift sits patiently on the counter. it’s waited the entirety of today; it can wait another.

right now, he needs you.

your body sinks against his, relaxing from the lively, though exhausting, day. slumped against his chest, he burrows his head in the crook of your shoulder and cuddles you, nuzzling into your neck. finally, you’re home. home with him.

it’s warm...

“..it was our day...”

you shift your head at his mumbling, lifting his chin to presumably look at his expression. your attention is his now. not kaeya’s. not anyone else’s. just his.

(his eyes are soft and droopy, smudged red making them look especially mellow in the dim lighting, and lips pushed into the slightest pout. he knows what you’re seeing when you gaze at him fondly, and you can almost see the puppy eyes he sports. how unusual of him.)

“someone’s a little jealous here, hmmm?”

you drag out the syllables teasingly, and from lips that are pressing kisses against your skin, he responds a little muffled—

“perhaps.”

#zhongli #genshin impact #fluff #jealousy #zhongli x gn!reader #zhongli x reader #genshin impact scenarios #genshin impact imagines #request #cecilia

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reblogging4thewin · 3 years

Text

A Revision of the Layered attraction model for All

I typed this out in the closing thoughts question for a survey for visibility, and that evolved into making this post, which became a complete re-design of the layered attraction model to include the full spectrum of romantic and sexual orientations.

Origin of this project:

The presence of romantic attraction without sexual attraction doesn't invalidate or erase the romantic attraction.

Ace people, for example, whether heteroromantic, homoromatic, Biromantic, etc, have romantic attraction without sexual attraction. It is not unusual for Bi or Pan Demisexual or Graysexual people to experience romantic attraction to more than one gender but only experience sexual attraction towards one gender.

I've found out by interacting with people online that even outside of the Ace spectrum, there are also Biromantic Heterosexual (or Homosexual) people who are Allo. You don't even have to be on the Ace or Aro spectrum to experience romantic and sexual attraction separately. Such people tend to, in public settings, just say they are straight (or gay, as applicable) or Graysexual, to avoid having to justify their romantic attraction to additional genders not being coupled with sexual attraction despite not being Asexual.

To add to that, there's also the idea that potential partners of the gender for which they only experience romantic attraction would not be happy in a non-sexual relationship unless that person is Ace, or perhaps that they themselves wouldn't, since they do experience sexual attraction to other genders. But that is broad brushing, and given that Ace people can be in happy, fulfilling relationships with Allo people, then it is possible. It's just a matter of whether they'd want to pursue that or not. That's just another reason why Biromantic Heterosexual and Biromantic Homosexual people tend not to be out or only be out online.

The Layered Attraction Model (est 2017 as far as I can tell):

Here's the Layered attraction model for those who haven't seen it. It combines the Ace Spectrum (with some Arospec poorly thrown in), the Kinsey Scale, and a scale of polyamory (idk if that scale has its own name). It has served as a starting point for educating people and helping people find their labels. I definitely think we need additional dimensions. It wouldn't make for as nice a graphic, but just the list part is fine with me.

Kinsey scale deals with frequency/proportion of attraction, but the original layered model does not account for different types of attraction to different genders. The wording in the original focuses on action rather than attraction. One’s orientation is defined by attraction, not by what you choose to act on or have had opportunity to act on. Instead of “prefers,” it should say “experiences attraction to”.

Demisexuality corresponds to Pink in the layered attraction model, but the description of Pink as written assumes alloromanticism. It doesn't really include those who are also Demiromantic (double Demis), or other aro-spec identities. The wording of what appears to be aro-ace is also problematic.

A potential solution is to duplicate the layered attraction cake for the Aro spectrum, allowing you to choose a Kinsey Scale number for your romantic attraction separate from the number for your sexual attraction. Instead of reds and pinks, it'd use greens & grays for the Arospec colors. Adding a column for one's gender identity would make this model a full label. Acespec, Arospec, Romantic orientation, Sexual orientation, and gender identity.

This should cover everyone. Oriented aroace demiboys, Double demi panromantic homosexual girls, Allo Biromantic Heterosexual guys, Asexual Polyamorus Alloromantic Heteroromantic trans women, etc, etc.

We are a diverse community, and the world is more diverse than we tend to recognize.

The Full Spectrum Layered Attraction and Identity Model:

It took a couple of weeks before I finished the project and came back to this draft post. Behold the revamped layered attraction model:

(It’s 34″ squared, so please zoom in to full read your parts.)

It includes:

Romantic orientation

Aromantic Spectrum Kinsey Scale Polyamory scale

Sexual orientation

Asexual Spectrum Kinsey Scale Sex Favorability

Gender Identity

Gender Identity Cis-Trans-Intersex (not mutually exclusive) Gender Fluidity

I did my best to make this inclusive to everyone, but if I missed anything or worded anything poorly, please let me know and I will make a revised version. (Especially with the gender part, seeing as I am cis.)

Also, thank you to my fellow mods of @demisexual-kingdom for giving the finished product a look over before posting.

#layered attraction model #lgbtqia+#lgbtqia #acespec #arospec #aspec #demisexual #Demiromantic #I will add more tags on the demi reblog

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oriigirii · 3 years

Text

💞 MC is a Genshin Simp 💞

=====

{ AN: Omg! This is my first ask so thank you anon (๑ↀᆺↀ๑)/!! This is such a vibe too haha, I hope you like it! } Warnings: None [Maybe Refs and Chars you wont get if you dont play Genshin Impact] * Probably a bit OOC too *

Reader: Gender-Neutral [Default]

( ⓛ ω ⓛ *)

========

< Genshin Impact was a game that took the human realm by storm, with its open-world gameplay, its competitive PvE and aesthatic settings, it was truly something that captured you the moment the beta was announced. Although, as with any Gacha games, you weren’t only attracted to the world and its setting.

No no.

The characters were truly the main eye candy of the game. You’d been worried that when you had been sucked into Devildom, you wouldn’t be able to access the game due to, yknow, realm differences, but luckily that wasn’t the case thanks to Levi, and hence why the moment it dropped, you had been spending your life savings simping for characters on every banner.

Yknow theres handsome bois in devildom too... Theyre just kinda waiting for you to put your game down for a moment and kinda notice em ～((Φ◇Φ)‡ >

------

ฅ⁽͑ ˚̀ ˙̭ ˚́ ⁾̉ฅ Lucifer

He usually doesn’t mind you playing games

Although, He would’ve preferred if you didn’t cause you kinda need to focus on your studies yknow?

But hey he’s not stopping you

Usually you would stay with him as he works, but he can’t seem to focus with you constantly begging beside him

Small little ‘please’ would be heard every now and then, and a sudden look of disappointment would show on your face.

He tried to ignore it, even giving little cues for you to quiet down, like clearing his throat

You didnt seem to pick up the hint though

He was just about to ask you what you were doing in the first place that has you praying beside him (which is hella rude) but your scream of happiness has him a little more irked and kinda taken back

“LUCIFER! I GOT HIM! LOOK LOOK I GOT HIM!”

You show him the screen showing your pull results

The character held a giant claymore with bright red hair

Before he can get another word in, you snatch your phone back and just sigh as if youd just had a heavenly (ironic) experience and mumble

“I seriously love him, Im so happy...”

Bro same though, Diluc pls come home

You were truly one of a kind, because youve just managed to break the Avatar of Pride’s... well.... Pride.

Did he just get cucked by a man in a video game?

Truly outrageous.

He seems to scoff and holds back a bit of an eye roll as he tries to focus back on his work

But boy oh boy, his salt is high

“If you are going to be causing a ruckus MC, May i suggest you doing it with Levi instead, I have no time for such games. I dont see why youre so caught up in such a character anyways, he looks quite basic.”

His words were sharp, and that was enough to shake you out of your fangirl/boy mode.

You were literally ready to fight the first born, a literal fucking fallen angel, for dissing Diluc like that

how dare

But then you notice how he seems to avoid your gaze and a small little red tint was on the tip of his ears.

Lucifer wouldve wanted to see you that happy with him, but no, a game character steals that spotlight.

Angey.

Instead of being intimidated by the sudden coldness, you giggle and finally close your phone and set it aside

You can continue celebrating and bragging about it later, for now, you wrap your arms around his arm and give him a small smooch on the cheek, which definitely makes him blush a tad bit

“Awww Luci dont be like that, Yknow I love you more”

Potential apocalypse has been diverted

But Lucifer does smile the smallest of smiles as he sighs, finding it silly to really get jealous over such a small thing and says

“I love you too, my dear... but you do have to make up for distracting me from my work...”

Well you kinda deserve it, so it wasnt long before both his work and your phone had been ditched

( After a while you do kinda see him quite similar to Diluc and it just makes you smile everytime you think about it, seems you have a thing for the strict cold men huh?)

===

Σ(‘◉⌓◉’) Mammon

Why you simping for a fictional character when you already have him?!

He’s your first man!

Your homie!

“Yeah well hes my first 5* so can you blame me?”

S A D N E S S

But for real, this man is just so clingy

He has heard from Levi that you were playing a new game from the human world, and of course, he had wanted to see what it was about by watching you play.

But since it was quite grind-heavy gacha game, he grew a bit bored and asked you to come with him to hang out somewhere else, or even go to the casino and gamble his money away cause he just got goldie back

But no matter what he suggests, you were just so focused on your grinding.

He’d prefer a different kinda grinding right about now with how lonely he is, ya feel me?

But no, you still werent interested.

“Oi! Cmon MC, whats even so important about this?”

“I already told you Mammon, Im grinding for primogems from the event! Theyre gonna be gone soon and I just HAVE to get them! Ugh I swear to Diavolo, if I dont, Imma cry! I didnt get him on their first banner too... ugh!”

Wait no--

Cmon he doesnt want you to cry!

Mammon kinda stays silent for a bit as he watches you struggle to fight the monsters with your low level team, frustration growing on your face.

But as you finish, Mammon seems to snatch your phone

“Hey! whats the big deal Mammon?!”

“Shut up and show me where the store is geez”

Mammon’s demands kinda surprises you and you raise an eyebrow at him, but you do show where it was, and sit back for a while as Mammon just fiddles around with it. You werent sure what he was doing honestly, was he interested? Did you say anything that made him act this way? All you talked about the game was the gacha system so--

oh…

“Mammon! Wait you dont have to---”

“There! I got you as much primo things, or whatever theyre called”

He already has tossed you your phone back and he crossed his arms, looking away as the red blush covers most of his cheeks.

You look at your phone and you honestly felt your heart speed up and stop at the same time at the amount of primos on your account, it was enough for a full 180 pull! If you dont get the limited character on the first 50-50, you have another shot!

You felt your own heart speed up and your face burn so hard, but you do mumble him a quick “But... But why though?”

“Cuz! If you start cryin’ Lucifer’s gonna beat my ass! Dont think I did it for you, you human! I just dont want him taking away Goldie again!”

“But I thought this was your gambling money, isnt it?”

“w-well!... I mean... Hmph.. Gachas kinda like gambling right?, I know Lucifers gonna hang me if he catches me in the casino again anyways, so I thought I might as well just do this... with you...or whatever...” Hes dying, help

But so are you!

Hes too fucking cute and you just glomp him and just hug him as tight as you can!!

Flusterred boi 100

But you do spend you afternoon on his lap, both of you rolling the full 180 in excitement, whether you get that boi/gal you simped for on the banner or not, you still were happy to spend some time with Mammon

He doesnt mind losing a bit of cash for you

but you do promise to pay him back (maybe with a few kissy)

But to be honest, Gacha probably will help him with his gambling addiction...

kinda...

He doesnt go to casinos anymore but he does whale with you now

Lucifer has such a mix feeling with these results.

But he still confiscates Goldie and your card on the end, yall need to chill.

====

ヽ(。_°)ノ Leviathan

He probably wasn’t even interested on the game at first

He already has enough games to play, and it just looks like another rip off of some other game he saw not too long ago with that elf looking guy

But when you came to him asking for his help to get the game, you bet your ass that he felt a switch click

Suddenly it was incredibly interesting!

You do share your interests to him almost immediately

By interests, of course i mean the peeps you simp for

The sexy ara ara in the library of mondstat, the pirate looking ass of the guards, the pirate looking ass’s brother thats a wine owner and still highkey reminds you of Lucifer, the demon slayer--- You were actually unsure if you should talk about Xiao but hey hes cool

You explain it all!

From their lore to their voice lines and whatever

But honestly what do you expect from the Avatar of Envy?

Of course hes gonna be a bit jealous! He cant compare to any of these characters! Hes not as witty as that eye patch man, hes not as sophisticated as that red head, hes not as flirty as that ara ara either!

As you go on, you notice that Levi was kinda... half listening....

It made you pout, but then, it made you worried

Uh-oh you know that look

its that, ‘im overthinking’ look

So to snap him out of it, you kinda grab his face as gently as you can

“Need Grimm for your thoughts?”

He flushes and he immediately looks away, but you usher him to look at you as you coo and ask him whats wrong

It takes a bit till he kinda explains to you how hes feeling

In your relationship, you both were practicing being more open with each other, hence why you were proud of Levi for saying it

but you did feel kinda sad and frowned as he finishes explaining

“You... feel jealous?”

“Ugh d-dont say it out loud normie....”

He covers his face with his arm and you just cant help but shake your head with a fond smile, but you do need to address this and comfort him.

“Levi... when you fanboy about Ruri chan, did you ever think she was better than me?”

Your question made him frown and look at you in absolute worry

Did you actually think that you were below Ruri chan?

Of course hes an absolute simp for Ruri but.. cmon

Now that he thinks about it, he does talk about her a lot doesnt he? oh no...

“MC O-Of course not! I love Ruri chan yes, but you... I... I Love... you more...” Levi exe do be dying

But you smile at his response and gently kisses his cheek

“I think thats sweet Levi... But thats how I am too... Youre still better than any of these characters, youre real and they arent, youre mine and I am yours~ Youre my personal 5 star!” You wink at him and Levi just dips

his heart couldnt handle the cuteness and he died, ladies and gentlemen

but for real he did pass out

Must be from all the blood on his head from the blush

But ah, he does get it, and after being showered with love from you, He kinda slowly got over his jealousy

its not immediate but with simple reassurances, you can manage to reel him in and have fun with you

He does end up enjoying the game cause he gets to spend time with you, and he gets to show off when events happen

He also goes out of his way to memorize locations for materials for you, and when youre sick or busy, he pilots your account

true gamer

But ironically enough hed probably start simping for a character too and of course, you both start bonding over that, which just makes Levi absolutely happy

I wonder if hed simp for Barbara, she is an idol afterall like Ruri chan

Probably lowkey for now

Afterall she looks like a minor so-----

( I dunno i searched shes 16-18 lol )

But regardless, I can imagine you both just cosplaying each others fav characters too

Its a wack looking ship cosplay but yall just simp for each other cause of it, its pretty fun but the rest of the brothers just finds it hella weird

----

I only have energy for these 3 as always, Im sorry! But i promise Ill do the rest!! I hope you guys do enjoy, and Id love some feedback on the characters personalities cause I know they can be a bit Ooc, But feel free to send me an ask! Im pretty open lol 〜(￣△￣〜)

#Obey me #Obey me x reader #Obey me x mc #Obey me shall we date #obey me Mammon x reader #Obey me Lucifer x reader #Obey me Leviathan x reader #Obey me fanfic #Obey me HCs #anon request

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has-gilgamesh-doneanythingwrong · 2 years

Note

We need more Gilgamesh cat headcanons. Like the guy's obsession with cats is so cute

Hello, anon! Thank you for waiting ^^ This is a brilliant idea, it's so much fun writing about Gilgamesh's love for cats.

Gilgamesh Cat headcanons

✯ Gilgamesh ADORES cats. No matter their size, shape or breed; he loves them with all his heart. However, he definitely has the power to intimidate any unruly big cats...to them, he is akin to their pack leader.

✯ His love for them is so powerful that he's even got a pair of lions by his side in the design of his original statue! If you ask him about it, he'd be overjoyed to share.

✯ The year of the tiger was the perfect time for him to unleash his hoard of tigers and snow leopard cubs upon the unassuming victims of Chaldea. It's been chaos ever since!

✯ Ever heard of the mythological 'cat lady' who has over 50 cats? She has nothing on the likes of Gilgamesh! If he could, he'd buy an entire playpen for cats (I wouldn't be surprised if he builds a cat park tbh).

✯ If he finds any abandoned cats or kittens by the wayside, he'll take care of them long enough for them to grow strong and independent enough to take care of other owners or keep them under his wing (letting them go is a struggle). Nothing pleases him more than seeing him raise a cat to its full potential.

✯ If you mistreat his cats, you better beware- Gilgamesh will likely destroy you with a volley of weapons from his gate. He's especially possessive of the baby cats, getting annoyed if one even feeds them incorrectly or pets them a little too hard.

✯ He won't admit it aloud, but bottle-feeding kittens reduces his heart to mush. Seeing how vulnerable cats slowly open up around him leads him to the verge of tears!

✯ If he wants to look strong and regal, you may catch a lion perching besides his throne. Why, you ask? Because he admires their prowess and beauty...and may have been friends with this particular lion for a long time. (Gilgamesh may be a bit of a lion himself XD)

✯ Gilgamesh loves to play with cats, whether it's with flashlights or yarn. Actually, he is infamous for summoning an entire plethora of red flashlights (which drove his cats insane!) He also joins Vlad III for his knitting club on occasion, purely just to enjoy the experience of building his own playpens and climbing frames for his pets to scratch at leisure. It fills him with great pride to see them entertained by the fruits of his labour.

✯ Cat food?! There's no way on earth that Gilgamesh would allow his cats to feed on regular cat food. He only feeds them the most exquisite cuts of fish and meat. He'd prefer if others do the preparation, however as he's very serious about the treatment that his cats deserve; he may end up doing it himself sometimes. But it's okay, as his GOB has many tools to hasten the process.

✯ You can catch Gilgamesh and Enkidu sparring with the lions on occasion. It's a rather dangerous affair, but Gilgamesh loves it. He truly is the epitome of a cat man.

✯ Maybe he's hiding more cat related things in his treasury as well...

#gilgamesh #fate series #fgo #gilgablog #archive #gilgawriting #fate grand order

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stufftippywrote · 3 years

Text

infinities within infinities

"Don't get me wrong," Xie Lian says, "I'm really grateful for the donation, but I don't think it's right to name the library after me."

But the man in the three-piece suit seems insistent. "You're a groundbreaking force in the world of philosophy," he says ardently. "I've read your Man, Thrice Ascended at least ten times. What you have to say about the concept of self as the infinite is revolutionary." He grins. The leather of the eyepatch over his right eye gleams in the sunlight. "The least you deserve is to have libraries named after you."

Xie Lian looks him over. This Hua Cheng is known as a reclusive billionaire, but there’s nothing withdrawn about him now, as he surveys Xie Lian with a bright eye. Instead, he’s almost preternaturally relaxed, hands in his pockets, smiling as bright as if he’d captured the sun. Despite the money and the insistent words, there’s nothing intimidating about him.. Xie Lian rather likes him.

“Well, thank you, I suppose, Mr. Hua,” he says carefully. He still isn’t sure about the Xie Philosophy Library concept. He looks up at the building and tries to imagine his name on the placard; it just seems preposterous. The dreams of a very young graduate student who thought he could change the whole nature of philosophy. Now, a fool’s wish. That it would be granted so suddenly, and by the young man in front of him who can’t be out of his twenties? Unimaginable.

“No need to thank me,” Hua Cheng says, shaking his head. “The very least I could do. Do you need a ride anywhere, Professor?”

Hua Cheng’s car might as well be a spaceship for how much it sticks out among the dumpy minivans and compact cars that surround it in the parking lot. Black, sleek, and gleaming, it truly seems to have beamed here from some point in a glittering future. Hua Cheng unlocks it with the touch of a button, and then, with another, the passenger side door swings open of its own volition. Xie Lian peeks inside. The interior is black as well, but for some touches that stand out in burning crimson.

“Go on, Professor.” Hua Cheng is leaning on his side of the car, casting a sideways glance at him. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Xie Lian obeys, ducking his head to get in. “You really needn’t call me Professor,” he says as Hua Cheng joins him on the driver’s side.

“What should I call you, then?” Hua Cheng’s smile is devastatingly brilliant, and Xie Lian is glad he’s sitting, because his knees have just gone to jelly. “I could call you gege, if it’s not too informal.”

He’s teasing -- at least, Xie Lian thinks he’s teasing -- but honestly the word comes out of his mouth more naturally than professor, and Xie Lian likes the sound of it better. “Gege is fine,” he says lightly.

“But in return,” Hua Cheng says, starting up the car, “you have to call me San Lang.”

“Why?” There’s something buzzing in Xie Lian’s brain now about the concept of naming, what we call ourselves versus what others call us, but he shunts it aside.

“Why do you think?” The car pulls out of its space, and a low rumble echoes in Xie Lian’s gut as it starts to navigate the parking lot. Hua Cheng is glancing at him between peeks in the rearview mirror. “You know what they say about us billionaires, we’re eccentric. Humor me.”

“Very well, San Lang,” Xie Lian replies, and he likes the sound of that, too.

It’s ten minutes of buzzing around the downtown streets before Xie Lian realizes he never gave a destination. “San Lang,” he says carefully, “where are we going?”

“Here and there,” Hua Cheng says. “I want to pick your brain about Man, Thrice Ascended.”

“Oh.” Xie Lian is flattered, and honestly the concept of riding around aimlessly in this sleek machine appeals to him. “Go right ahead, then.”

“To tell you the truth,” Hua Cheng says, “I have trouble wrapping my head around the concept of the self as infinite. Unless you believe in a higher power, the concept of self seems painfully finite to me, as it only exists between birth and death. Isn’t that a pretty limited span?”

“Only temporally,” Xie Lian replies. “Did you know that there are 22 million seconds in the average lifetime?”

“22 million is a lot, but it’s not infinity,” Hua Cheng counters.

“Ah, but a second isn’t instantaneous. Seconds take time. If you’ve ever tried to hold a plank for more than a minute, you know that well.” And he really does look like the type who could hold it. If not for two. “The unit of time I’d rather use is the moment.”

Hua Cheng glances at him. The car pulls onto the highway. “The moment?” he asks, gently spurring Xie Lian forward.

“Exactly,” Xie Lian says. “The moment is instantaneous. Maybe there are hundreds of millions of moments in the span of a single second of time. Maybe more than that. We can conceptualize, then, that each second of a lifetime contains within it infinite moments, and each lifetime 22 million infinities.”

“But a moment is hardly an appreciable measure of time,” Hua Cheng says. “How many moments can we experience as moments with our limited consciousness? The moments experienced are still finite to the mind of the human who tries to count them. Even if you count as fast as you can, you can’t count to 100 within the space of a single second, much less infinity.”

“You’re asking good questions,” Xie Lian comments.

Hua Cheng glows a little. “I told you, I’ve read the book a thousand times.”

“Well, if you did read the book, then you know that our concept of moments here is merely a framework.” They’re driving along the coast now, the bay blue and the sun starting its daily fizzle from yellow to red. “The infinities that truly populate the self are not of time, but of possibility.”

“Infinite choice in each moment.” Hua Cheng nods. “Explain it to me one more time, please, won’t you, gege?”

There’s a little plaintive moan in his voice - just a sliver of an entreaty - and it gives Xie Lian the goosebumps. Here is someone who’s truly appreciating his work, and he’s pleasant to look at and his voice is pleasant to the ear, and Xie Lian is reeling with how much good sensation is rolling into him with every second of this drive. It’s like the best of good dreams, and he doesn’t want to think of it ending.

“In any moment -- and I do mean moment, with our earlier definition,” he says, “I could lean to the left. I could lean to the right. I could blink. I could lean to the left but just a little bit harder. I could think of the color red. I could think of the color blue. I could speak. I could stay silent. I could open the door and throw myself out of this car, if I wanted.”

“Please don’t,” Hua Cheng interjects, sounding a little unnerved.

“It’s just a possibility,” Xie Lian reminds him. “There are, essentially, an infinite number of things I could do with each moment of my life. Each of them takes some time, but the process of choosing is instantaneous. So you have infinite possibilities in every single moment of infinite moments.”

“Not infinite possibilities," counters Hua Cheng. "What you decide to do in one moment, as you said, takes time. The time it takes to perform that action necessarily negates the infinite nature of the next moment. You can’t make certain decisions while performing other actions.”

“Your possibilities are still infinite in each moment,” Xie Lian argues. “Just because some actions can’t be taken doesn’t mean there aren’t still infinite possibilities open to you. Think of numbers. An infinite number of numbers end in the digit 4. It’s still an infinite set, even though numbers that end in the digit 5 aren’t included.”

Hua Cheng frowns. “Perhaps my limited mind isn’t fully able to capture it,” he says after a time. “You’re very impressive, gege.”

Heat blooms in Xie Lian’s cheeks. “Thus,” he says, “we have the three ascensions. When the mind is able to grasp the concept of infinity within limited time, it ascends once. The second ascension comes when one accepts that infinite actions can be performed within that limited time. And the third ascension…”

“...is when the mind grasps that the possibilities are infinite for each of an infinite number of moments,” Hua Cheng fills in. “Infinities within infinities, all within the self.”

They’ve pulled off to a scenic outlook point on the bay. Hua Cheng eases the car into one of three parking spots and turns off the engine. He turns to Xie Lian. “Gege always explains it so well,” he says brightly. “Thank you for indulging me.”

Xie Lian can feel the flush creeping into his cheeks. He looks away. “You’re welcome.”

Another beep, and the car’s doors are opening again. Hua Cheng gets up, rounds the car to Xie Lian’s side, and holds out his hand.

They stand for a time side by side, watching the reddening sun dip its toes into the rippling water of the bay. There’s a strange peace to standing here, Xie Lian thinks, with this person he barely knows but is so ardent about his work. I’m safe. I’m appreciated. The sureness of that is unexpected but so, so welcome. Xie Lian thinks back, trying to remember the last time he felt that way. He can’t recall.

“It’s beautiful,” he murmurs. Cars thunder past on the road behind them.

“This is one of my favorite spots,” Hua Cheng says. “I’m always taken by the vastness of the ocean here. It seems so full.” He gestures down to where the water buffets the base of the cliffs below them. “Like it’s a moment from overflowing.”

Xie Lian ponders this. “I’ve never thought of the ocean as full or not,” he says. “The implication being that no more water can be added; that it’s complete as is, existing within its bounds.”

“It’s a philosophical puzzle, isn’t it?” says Hua Cheng lightly. “Of course, climate change is solving it as we speak. Rising sea levels and all. It seems the ocean has the potential to be boundless, even as we denote lines between sea and shore.”

“And the question then becomes, how accurately can we draw those lines? And is it human folly to even attempt to do so?”

“Of course,” Hua Cheng says, “none of these problems has practical application.”

Xie Lian laughs. “Most of philosophy has no practical application. That’s why it’s philosophy.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Hua Cheng replies. “Your philosophy has had effects on my psychology, at the very least. To think of myself as infinite has changed the way I look at the world.”

“And how does it look?” Xie Lian inquires, tilting his head.

Hua Cheng gazes at him, then turns back to face the sea. “Boundless,” he says.

Xie Lian nods. The wind whips past them, whispering coldly against his cheeks and ears. He shudders.

Without a word, Hua Cheng removes his long coat and drapes it over Xie Lian’s shoulders. The coat is warm with his body heat, and all that heat seeps into Xie Lian in a rush. He draws in a breath. When Hua Cheng’s fingers touch his neck to adjust the collar, he wants to shiver again, this time not from the cold.

“Gege.” Hua Cheng’s honey-rich, low voice touches his ear like the strains of a cello. “Would you let me take you someplace nice?”

Xie Lian looks out at the darkening bay. He thinks of the view from his office window, the wall of an adjoining brick building. He could go back there, write and read until the early morning hours. Perhaps he would sleep on the cot he’s laid out in there. Staring at the mottled ceiling, contemplating eternity.

Or he could go with Hua Cheng, who is holding out his hand, looking hopeful.

Xie Lian takes it.

They drive for another 10 minutes along the coast, then take an exit into an area filled with green fields. Huge houses dot the landscape -- this is the domain of the super-rich, Xie Lian thinks, because these fields aren’t used for farming. They’re simply green as far as the eye can see, well-manicured, sometimes interrupted by copses of grand old trees with outstretched branches. Some of the houses are surrounded by lush flower gardens. It’s not an area Xie Lian’s ever been too, nor does it seem like the kind of place he would want to live. But it’s fascinating just to see it for the first time.

Hua Cheng pulls down a narrow road, then turns onto another. Xie Lian squints as he makes out something odd on the horizon. Whatever it is, it’s silver, and a cluster of buildings sit low and flat around it. When wide concrete paths start to interrupt the endless greenery, he realizes what he’s looking at.

“I thought,” he says gingerly, “when you said someplace nice, you meant a fancy restaurant.”

“We can go to a restaurant,” Hua Cheng answers airily. He pulls the car into the yard, and they park. Holding Xie Lian’s fingers loosely, he leads him along the paths toward the airfield. The private jet sits on the runway like a horse at the gate, already humming. A movable staircase leads up to the main entrance. A number of people are working around it. One of them sees the pair approaching and offers Hua Cheng a bow.

“How soon can we be ready?” Hua Cheng asks him.

“Twenty minutes,” the man says. “We’ve been prepping since we got your text.”

Xie Lian wonders when Hua Cheng had managed to text them. “This is your plane?” A silly question; Hua Cheng nods easily, as though everyone has a private airfield with a jet ready to go at any moment. “Where are you taking me?”

Hua Cheng meets his gaze with a smile. “Where would you like to go? Tokyo? Hong Kong? Thailand is stunning this time of year.”

“San Lang,” Xie Lian starts, his heart pounding. Hua Cheng smiles that much more widely at the sound of the name. “Isn’t this a little…”

“Much?” Hua Cheng finishes for him. “Not at all. Not for gege.” He lays a hand on the small of Xie Lian’s back -- Xie Lian gasps at the touch -- and ushers him forward until they are both standing at the bottom of that staircase, the airplane’s door a wide unblinking eye at the top. Hua Cheng bows and makes a gesture with his hand toward the staircase -- after you.

Xie Lian’s brain rockets into high gear. He has brought nothing with him but his briefcase, and even that is still in the car. No one knows where he is or where he’s going. He’s traveled a little in life -- nothing too far from home -- but this would be a trip like no other, totally unplanned and utterly irresponsible. Every ounce of common sense in his brain is urging him to shake his head politely and back away.

But this man. This fascinating man, who is offering him the world. For every voice inside Xie Lian that says no, there’s a current of pulsing blood in his veins whispering yes, yes.

“I’m not sure,” he begins, tentatively.

“Gege,” Hua Cheng murmurs, “You speak of self as containing an infinity of possibilities for every moment of life. But the paradox of infinity is that some infinities are larger than others. At this moment, you have more possibilities than ever before. Given those infinite possibilities, at this moment, what will you choose?”

He’s right. The possibilities facing him right now are truly endless. And hidden in Hua Cheng’s words, there is a challenge -- do you dare? And Xie Lian finds, to his surprise, that he does. He not only dares, he wants. To see this through, to learn more about this man, to take a crazy chance. His heart is pounding with the force of his desire. And once, just once in his studious, conservative life, he listens to it.

He smiles at Hua Cheng, lifts one hand to the railing of the staircase, and begins to ascend.

#hualian #hualian fic #hualian au #tgcf #tgcf fic #tgcf au #heaven official's blessing #heaven official's blessing fic #stuff tippy wrote

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vintage-writes · 3 years

Text

Yes I’m Mad, You Broke my Leg (Tomura Shigaraki x Reader)

Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x Fem!Reader

Summary: You are currently undercover at U.A High School as Aizawa’s teaching assistant. One day on a field trip with Class 1A the League of Villains shows up and you now have to pretend that you’re definitely not in love with the leader. Of Course, Maybe you took it a tad too far. >-<

Warnings: None, Fluff. Slight bit of Angst but otherwise it’s just a pouty Shigaraki..

Word Count: 2 057

_________________________________________________

“Shigaraki is dead ahead moving into the back alley. Y/n, I need you to cut them off,” Aizawa’s voice echoes in your ear. “I’ll handle Kurogiri.”

Your feet continuously pound against the stone floor. You pass several run down buildings as you sprint down the deserted streets. The League of Villains recently attacked an old hospital currently experimenting on quirk enhancement. Seeing as the U.A. students were conveniently nearby, the Saturday school trip has turned into yet another effort to finally get a hold of Tomura Shigaraki, head of the League of Villains. Because God forbid, we actually do something normal for a change.

As Aizawa’s newest teaching assistant, that he reluctantly agreed to, you were now careening around corners on foot to catch up to him and cut him off from behind while Aizawa took chase from the front. So far, you just wish you had stayed home.

As you make your way around the final corner you run into the man himself. His cotton blue hair billowing behind him, his cloak flapping around in the wind. His trademark hands are currently in place blocking your view of his handsome face.

“Hello Villain”, you say.

He says nothing in response, simply tilting his head at you.

“I’ve been ordered to stop you here”, despite not being able to see his face you can tell by his body language, he isn’t pleased with the idea. “Why don’t we have some fun.”

“Let’s not”

You quickly slip the knife waiting in your belt into your right hand. Using your quirk you block off all the exits except for the one in the direction of Aizawa. You lunge forward and swipe your knife at him but he jumps backwards in time to avoid the edge. You swipe again, he dodges again, and like this you proceed to dance around another with jabs and slashes. Despite his size and lowered visibility, he is able to move rather smoothly.

Again, you decide to emit your quirk to land a blow on him which he narrowly avoids. However this time, as he dodges away he latches all five fingers onto a column supporting a nearby building. His quirk manifests at an alarming rate and eats away at the majority of the column before swiftly shifting over to eat away at the bricks and chipping paint of the building itself.

“Wait! NO!” You lunge forward intent on stopping him, knife discarded. The area didn't have any time to be evacuated, therefore, many people were still residing in the houses. If the building collapsed, it could definitely take a life or two.

Surprised by your sudden cry, he jumps away from the wall. Between the fingers, you can see his eyes have widened considerably. Before you had any time to say or do anything that could potentially explain the sudden outburst, you hear Aizawa’s voice shouting from behind.

“Y/n, get him now!”

Right. Remain focused.

You turn back to the task at hand only to freeze. Rushing towards you at an alarming rate was Shigaraki, hand outstretched, aimed at your face. On pure and absolute instinct, you drop down into a crouch before swinging your left leg around to connect with the corner of his knee. The blow lands with a sickening crunch and he immediately drops like a sack of potatoes as you roll out of the way. Adrenaline thrumming through your veins as you roll onto your feet again, turning to face Shigaraki. He’s lying on his side, hand fallen beside him and face in full view. Shigaraki’s face twists in pain as he lets out a strangled cry. However, this time, Kurogiri sits beside him and without wasting time, the two disappear.

“Dammit!” Aizawa says as he rocks up beside you. “Nice job though, that will definitely throw a wrench in their plans.”

You look up at Aizawa, confusion written all over your face.

He chuckles softly, “Nice job on breaking his leg, it’ll give the heroes a chance to breathe and track them down.” Aizawa begins to walk away and motions for you to follow so that you can meet up with the students. However you remain frozen in place as realisation begins to set in. Guilt immediately floods over you. You broke Shiggy’s leg. You gave him a clean break to HIS LEG. You wander after Aizawa in a daze. Meeting up with the students feels like a nightmare as each one compliments you on a job well done. It doesn’t feel like a good job. You plaster on a realistic smile as you pretend to revel in the glory. It’s an incredibly strange feeling to be praised for doing something you really didn’t want to do.

You’re never going to hear the end of this.

___________________

Three agonising days pass before you’re allowed off campus. You send in a request with Principle Nezu and he allows you to stay off campus on Friday night for your ‘Mom’s birthday’. Aizawa gives you papers to mark and sends you off with a pat on the head and a request to remain safe.

“I doubt Shigaraki’s allies will be too pleased with you, stay out of the spotlight.”

You gave him your thanks before leaving campus. Now you stand in front of a rundown warehouse, cake in hand, mentally preparing yourself for the shit you’re about to get into. God can only prepare you for the amount of petty, pouty rage, Shiggy’s about to send your way. You move forward and slowly open the door. It swings open on its hinges anyway, screaming into the open space. On the musty couch sits Dabi and Toga watching some god awful American drama.

Dabi looks up and with a teasing smile and proclaims, “Would you look at that. It’s the hero.”

“Shut up, Dabi”

“Oh, Y/n, Y/n, Y/n”, he tuts. “I feel like maybe you should be a little nicer, especially with the mood he’s in right now.”

“Don’t you think I know that”, you hiss back, holding up the cake tin.

“You think Cake is going to fix this?”

You pause before softly mumbling a tired ‘maybe’. Dabi bursts out laughing while you throw a venomous look at him.

“Oooohh, no need to be like that, or are you going to break my leg now too-- ow!” He shouts out, rubbing his head. Toga raises her arm again, TV remote in hand. A warning written all over her face.

“He’s in the back Y/n”, she says. She offers a smile, hand still raised. “Don’t worry too much about it.”

You thank her and send Dabi another mean look as you duck around the corner, striding towards the back room. As you reach the door you release a breath before entering.

Shigaraki sits on the couch, head in his hand as he watches the news. Surprisingly enough he’s staring intently at the sports channel. He’s avoiding you, you realise. You walk in on soft feet to stand in front of the couch. You place the cake on the coffee table. You decide to be straightforward and address the elephant in the room.

“Hey Baby, how’s the leg”, you say gently.

“Hi Darling,” he starts off, “It’s fine.”

Darling, he says. That one’s new.

“Are you mad?” you whisper. He finally meets your eyes. Crimson eyes burning with heat.

“Why would I be mad? It’s not like you broke my leg”, he says, gravelly.

“Baby, I promise you, it wasn’t on purpose. You caught me off guard. I barely even knew what I was doing, it was all on instinct”, You start off desperately. “I swear, it will never happen again. Aizawa just caught me off guard.”

His eyes fixate on you. He’s studying you thoroughly, doubt swirling in his eyes. His calm face remind you of someone in mourning. He leans forward, hands interlace, elbows resting on his knees. He doesn’t look at you again. Instead, he stares into the spot above the TV. Ideas turning behind red eyes. You feel your heart drop. Does he no longer trust you? Is this the end of the relationship? You’ve always known Shiggy’s trust was difficult to earn but you never thought it would be lost, especially not like this.

“Do you not trust me?” he asks at last.

You still. Do you not trust him? That’s ridiculous. Of course you trust him. You’d lay down your life for this man. For the opportunity for him to be happy, to burn the world down that betrayed him. To cripple a society that is unequal and cruel.

However, the scene plays back in your mind, the sight of his hand moving towards your face. His pinky tucked beneath it, only the thumb and forefinger truly posing as some form of a threat. Granted the only reason you had done what you did, had more to do with an object coming towards your face then a lack of trust in him.

You kneel down in front of him and rest on your knees. You remain on the side of his good leg, eye-level with him.

You reach forward and grasp his interlaced hands, unlocking them and entwining your own within his gloved fingers. Slowly you lift each hand up and place a kiss on the knuckles.

“I love you so much, of course I trust you.” You say gently. “This will never happen again.”

He smiles and then proceeds to lift up your hands in order to place kisses on your knuckles. Sincerity pooling in his eyes.

“I love you too. Please be safe.”

You send him a wink, “Always, and one really good thing came from this. The Pro’s trust me a whole lot more now.”

His smile drops suddenly and so does your heart. Maybe that came out wrong.

“I’m still in a lot of pain”, he says, looking away with a pout, “I’m still mad.”

You climb onto the couch next to him and place a kiss on his cheek before whispering, “I brought cake.” You beam up at him and he lets out the softest little chuckle.

“What kind of cake?”

You giggle.

“Chocolate, Delicious Chocolate.”

“Alright, I’ll eat the cake and then see if I’m still mad.”

You let out a laugh before kissing him full on the lips. Slightly chapped as his lips are, they’re still soft to the touch. He places a hand on your cheek and deepens the kiss, groaning. Warmth spreads over your body as you feel at peace. Wrapping his arms around you, you fall into him. The worrying for the past few days suddenly feels silly now as his gentle heat engulfs you.

You pull away breathless. Eyes like plated Mars, stare into your own. His beauty is stealing away all reasoning. Taking away the very air of your lungs.

“Cake?” you ask, a blush spread across your cheeks.

He nods back, “Cake.”

You reach over for the Cake tin and hand it to him before reaching down again for the spoons. As you turn back you see that he’s already opened the tin, a card sits in his hand as he stares down at both, a look of confusion written all over his face.

Oh Yeah, that’s what you forgot to do. He looks at the card, then at you before lifting the cake out of the tin and displaying it for you. Out of the corner of your eye you can see the card has been placed aside. Without looking at it you already know what it says.

A quick note to “Enjoy the precious time spent with family” signed by Principal Nezu.

“Babe”, he says “Why does this cake say ‘Happy Birthday Mrs (L/n)’”

You Throw him a sheepish smile.

“Happy Birthday, Mom”

_______________________________

A/N: There is nothing anyone can say to convince me Nezu wouldn’t do this.

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craomy · 3 years

Text

A Serendipitous Encounter Genshin Impact: Xiao x Reader (Fluff/Agnst)

Genshin Impact: Xiao x Reader (Fluff/Agnst)

AN: Xiao is one of my favorite characters and I’m really excited for him to appear in the 1.3 update. This is one of the ideas I’ve had in my head for a while, and after writing it all, I realized that this story is pretty lengthy, so please bear with me haha.

Please enjoy :)

Word count: 15,894

Trigger warning: There’s very descriptive writing of gore and mentions abuse.

-=+=-

Xiao wasn’t always known for being the Adeptus of Liyue. There was a time when the Yaksha wasn’t fulfilling orders from the oldest archon of Teyvat. A time where Morax had never appeared before him was when Xiao was suffering the hardships of endlessly slaughtering innocents, commanded by an evil archon. Although Xiao is around two thousand years old, he too had faced naivety and had blindly served as a puppet to perform cruel acts. With this, he had no solid foundation of what it truly takes to feel mortal emotion. Just what exactly did it mean to him? What could it all do to him?

✦

Red.

Xiao gazed upon the blood-soaked battlefield. The crimson colors of those he massacred was something he was very familiar with. Having felt no remorse nor any guilt of these deaths caused, everything felt nothing but natural to him.

“You are an evil being. With that being said, you must continue to slay all of them to demonstrate your power until you reach your full potential.” The archon would remind the young warrior constantly. Although Xiao had obediently listened to his archon, he couldn’t help but feel curious when brought to the question of what it meant to be... free.

Mindlessly killing another town, Xiao’s piercing gaze had shot daggers through a woman who had clung to the feet of the demon. With begging eyes, the elderly woman had desperately reached her hand to grab his robes, “Y-You poor soul.” as she then dropped to the floor. Xiao was continued to stare down the now lifeless corpse as he repeated the woman’s last words.

“Poor soul?” Xiao uttered slowly. Confused, he took a step back for himself and looked back up to the burning houses. Realizing that he was no longer in his demonic form, his gaze lowered from the destruction he had caused.

Did he really do all of this?

Since when has he been holding all of this adeptal power to himself?

“That’s right. You caused all of this.” A voice from behind stated.

Xiao turned around and had immediately knelt on one knee to bow to his puppeteer. The archon that stood before him had smirked, “Good. You’ve been so compliant with my requests, I just had to give you a lovely reward. More power.” he laughed as he awed at the marvelous sight in front of him. The disarray in the city along with the screams of innocents had brought nothing but music to the evil archon’s ears.

“Well done here. This is exactly what Teyvat needs. Soon, the other archons will have nothing against me. Having brought turmoil upon thousands really must be one of your specialties.” The archon turned his back on the young man. Xiao listened carefully to his archon’s next orders. “You know... I’ve been wondering about what your thoughts of these mortals are. With you killing them on my behalf, I ponder if you know what it means to understand their pain.” The archon went on, carefully eyeing how the demon would react to his words.

“They’re lowly beings of Teyvat. With no real intentions of their futures, they continue to slowly eat up everything they can get their hands on. They’re selfish humans that step on others to get what they want.” Xiao dutifully answered.

The archon was amused. He truly does learn well from what he had taught him.

“Well if that’s the case, there’s one last thing I’d like for you to do for me.” The evil archon turned back around to Xiao, grabbing Xiao’s chin to make direct eye contact with the demon’s amber orbs.

“I want you to learn what it means to love.” He ordered, making Xiao’s eyes widen slightly. “What? You mean the pathetic things those mortals do?” Xiao became befuddled. All this time, the evil archon he followed after instructed him to be wary of human emotions and to avoid them at all costs. Just exactly what made him think of such an absurd idea?

The crackles of the flames burned in the midst of the battlefield they stood in. The stench of blood was something Xiao was used to. Hearing the voices of humans pleading and begging for mercy was mundane. Looking at the mortals in the eye with his jade spear as they face death was what he was best at. To think that his last lesson is to... love?

“That’s right. I want you to find out what it’s like to love. There’s something great I must witness once you’ve achieved that, and it will all be a new experience for you to accomplish for me. Can you do that?” The evil archon let go of the young man’s face and stood tall before him.

Xiao must not question his archon’s intentions. With wincing eyes, he looked at the blood smeared grass with a pinch of doubt. This was nothing he wanted to take a part in, but if it means that this would be the last time to commit acts like this, then so be it.

“Your wish is my command.” He submissively answered.

✦

Some time had passed since the command of the evil archon. Xiao had been ruminating the words he’s been told and continued to think about what his true intentions might be. There was only one place where he can get his head out of the clouds and it was none other than the foundation of Plaustrite, the shrine that resided in the sky above Qingyun’s highest point.

Up there was the only place where he could feel...

What was the word?

The word “nothing” doesn’t quite fit what he was looking for.

Nevermind that. It won’t matter anyway.

As Xiao made his way up to his secret sanctuary, he made eye contact with dull (E/C) colored orbs. Liquid crept out of the young girl’s eyes as it dripped down her rosy cheeks. The way her (H/C) hair had been disheveled yet still perfectly framing her face was more than beautiful as it swayed in the gentle gusts of wind from above. The clothing she wore looked partially torn and shredded at the ends while remaining to compliment her beauty.

White.

She was wearing a pure white dress. A wedding dress, if Xiao could remember correctly. With the way she gazed back at the young adepti, Xiao recognized it as fear.

As expected. Many mortals would cower from his presence. But this time was different. His objective wasn’t to kill anymore.

“Worry not mortal. I’m not here to hurt you.” He stated with no ulterior motives behind his words.

The young girl that stood before him had felt tense but then sighed in relief.

“Thank goodness. You don’t look like one of the people he had sent.” The (H/C) haired girl had said out loud. Xiao had raised an eyebrow as he observed the mortal’s surprisingly calm features. What had she meant by that? Was she being chased?

The girl had taken another step back.

“I guess I can finally be free now.” She said with a solemn smile.

The young adepti didn’t understand her words.

Free?

The (H/C) haired girl had taken a decorative hair ornament out of her well-done braids and tossed it on the stone floors of the floating shrine. Xiao’s attention was still stuck on the alluring human in front of him. With the sun setting right behind her, Xiao’s eyes had suddenly darkened. His amber eyes widened at the realization of what this human was trying to do.

The young girl had taken a final step backward, feeling no more room for her to step on. Her graceful figure was something Xiao really couldn’t take his eyes off of now.

She...

She fell.

Xiao’s body had a its mind of its own now. Without even thinking, he leaped off of the edges of the Foundation of Plaustrite. His mind was racing as he took his plunge into the sky.

What the hell was that girl thinking?

At this height, she’s going to end up killing herself!

The adepti was in a race against time itself. It’ll only take mere seconds until the girl will face her inevitable death. White flowers that were woven in the girl’s dress had been falling out of place, but she paid no attention to it. In the midst of seeking out for her answer of freedom, she couldn’t help but think how peaceful it was to fall. The breeze had begun to feel harsh against her skin. The force around her began to pick up as she saw her teardrops flying past her.

At least now she’ll be free.

She shut her eyes, thinking that she could finally accept death.

...Or so she thought.

As the girl plummeted through the clouds, her eyes had widened when she saw the young man diving after her. Time felt like it had slowed down for both of them.

Xiao’s head must be playing with him. He really is risking his life right now for a mere mortal. Yet, something in his chest felt like if he didn’t do this, he would regret it. Perhaps it was because he’s never seen something colored so brightly. The color of white, that is.

What was the word that could describe it?

The young adepti had made his transformation in mid-air, his mask giving him enough power to increase his descending speed to match with the falling angel. That dark aura of his had been able to surround him into what many people of Liyue would think of as a monster. An indescribable beast that’s comparable to a demon itself, at that. Xiao had tightly grasped the girl’s waist with one arm, pulling her close to his chest.

The girl had blinked in astonishment. She was completely stunned. She examined the man that wore the intimidating mask that concealed his true facial expressions behind it.

“Hold on tight!” He commanded, his voice slightly corrupted as he could feel his demonic form consuming him. The girl had nodded, holding on tighter to the young demon. In Xiao’s other hand, he swiftly summoned his jade spear and his eyes darted to his surroundings.

By the time he scoped the environment, he couldn’t find any other way to make a soft landing for the human. They were both about to meet the ground if he doesn’t come up with an idea to stop their fall.

Xiao clicked his tongue, finding the situation to be quite irritating.

All because of this foolish mortal.

With his jade spear, he quickly began to make a straight plunge into the earth. His grasp around the girl’s waist became tighter. He had a slight twinge of concern in his body. Seeing the way she reacted to him wasn’t what he had expected. Will he be strong enough to absorb the impact? Will this even contribute to his mission? Seeing that she’s wearing a wedding dress, perhaps she has an idea of what “love” is.

Yes. This mortal will do.

Xiao was focusing his energy when all of a sudden he directed his attention towards the girl and had became confused once more.

She’s... crying?

A loud crash could be heard from a far distance. The young demon’s weapon had cracked deeply in the crust of Liyue’s grounds. The collateral damage of the both of them with the field could easily be mistaken for an earthquake. The sounds of crumbling dirt had rumbled around Xiao as he tightly held onto the young girl, holding her bridal style in his arms. He huffed, feeling a little bit dizzy from using his demonic form. It was almost like his health was slowly deteriorating.

Xiao stared intently at the remains of their fall. He couldn’t shake the thought that he had gone through so much trouble to save this suicidal girl.

The girl, on the other hand, couldn’t stop staring at the man who saved her.

She’s never felt such gentle hands until now. She’s never seen such a mysterious being before either. Surely no one could have saved her from that height, so what was he exactly? Instead of fearing this new type of unknown, she couldn’t help but feel comforted by it. Xiao’s aura began to diminish on its own. As Xiao’s huffing slowed down, his mask had crumbled away into the air.

The girl couldn’t break eye contact with the handsome demon. She couldn’t help but notice the splatters of blood on his cheek. Was it his own blood?

Slowly, yet hesitantly, she brought her warm hand to Xiao’s cheek. With her thumb, she gently removed the small streak of blood on his face.

This confused Xiao once more. With the young adepti’s pride, he turned away from the pitiful human’s soft hands. “Why aren’t you scared of me?” He asked in a harsh yet bewildered tone.

The girl hadn’t shown fear around him at all, which was something new to Xiao. Usually, they would run away or cry for mercy, but this human was different than the others.

After all of the hardships that the girl had gone through, she was able to catch a glimpse of familiarity in his eyes.

“You looked like you were hurting.” She answered honestly.

The man was taken aback once more.

Xiao dropped the girl in his arms. She landed on the ground with a thud, no longer stuck in a trance. Xiao turned his back on the girl, trying to think of what she had said.

Hurting?

He doesn’t have any external injuries. Right?

The (H/C) haired girl turned her head and saw the jade spear pierced through the ground. Her eyes darkened, remembering why she had wanted to end her life again. “I can use this instead,” she muttered, grabbing ahold of Xiao’s weapon, trying to pull it out on her own with her own strength. The black haired man with teal undertones put his hand over the girl’s smaller ones, his gaze hovering over the suicidal girl.

“Just what are you planning to do with that?” He looked down on the girl with a serious atmosphere. She made eye contact with the man who had saved her without flinching. “You mortals are more than fragile. Why in the world would you jump off of the highest point in Qingyun Peak?” He scoffed, wanting to find out her reasoning behind all of this.

Ignoring his question, she glared at the man in the eyes, “I want you to kill me. Put me to rest.” in which he clicked his tongue again in annoyance.

“Why do you constantly wish death upon yourself?” He inquired, attempting to put up with this stubborn girl.

“Because I want to be free.” She said so confidently.

What did she just say?

Xiao was more than curious now with this human. A young girl who wants to kill herself for freedom? Impossible.

He let out a sigh, picking up his jade spear with little to no effort. “Fine. I’ll kill you myself.” Xiao flipped his weapon from the ground and around his arms to point it straight back at the girl he had just rescued. The girl had stared straight towards the man as he pointed the sharp weapon towards her neck. She had not feared him at all whatsoever, which irked the demon a little bit. If anything, she was more than delighted to have an opportunity to be liberated from this terrible world.

She was ready to face death head-on.

This bothered Xiao.

“But before I kill you, tell me what they call you.” He said, referring to her name.

She closed her eyes, “They call me (Y/N). At least, that’s what I want to be referred as.” she complied, awaiting her eternal slumber. Xiao shook his head, withdrawing his spear and casting it in the air to disperse. No longer in his possession, he had other plans with this human.

“Well then, lowly (Y/N). I order you to teach me what it means to be human. You don’t seem to be having much to do, so to make the most use out of you, you will explain your human ways. Only then, I will grant your wish.” Xiao finalized his train of thoughts with those words. Standing his ground, he continued to watch this human’s reactions towards his demanding request.

(Y/N) had no other choice but to comply with him. At least she’s in a better position now if she can somehow be protected by this powerful deity. Maybe she did want to do one final thing before she goes off into the other side.

“Since you stopped my death from occurring, I suppose I have no other options... but there’s one thing I would like to do first.” (Y/N) said with certainty. She wiped her tear stained cheeks as she wore a strong front. As she slowly rose on her own, she couldn’t help but notice the man in front of him wore a very elegant attire. The man wore a white sleeveless shirt with a black collar, dark purple pants, and dark purple boots. He wore black and dark turquoise gloves with gold decals and a necklace that looked ancient. Around his left arm, he bears a white and gold sleeve with red linings. The man had worn an Anemo vision on his left glove. As for his physical features, he was quite good looking. His tattoos had no longer glowed brightly as it did before, and all that was left was his amber eyes piercing through (Y/N)’s entirety.

The young adepti will find this girl to be beneficial to his mission.

(Y/N) turned around and was about to lead the way until she spoke.

“Also... Thank you... for catching me.” She said loud and clear for Xiao to hear. Without a sound, he nodded, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see his gesture as he slowly followed her from behind.

✦

The two of them didn’t make much conversation along the way. It seems that the adepti preferred to keep his distance from the young girl. (Y/N) has seen that look on his face before. It was the look of someone who has been strong enough to endure such sufferings. She wasn’t quite sure if she should be getting to know him, but as of now, she was able to make peace with his presence.

“We’re here.” She noted out loud.

Xiao had glanced around his surroundings. It was nothing but burnt down houses and crumbled ruins. Completely deserted and sullen, it had somehow brought peace to (Y/N). Curious as to why they’ve arrived to this wasteland of a town, he continued to put up his guard.

(Y/N) took a deep breath, “Everyone! I’m back home!” she hollered, a shout that could be echoed far off in the distance. Xiao raised his eyebrows once more as he crossed his arms, “Are you even hearing yourself? There’s no one here.” the man bluntly commented based on his observations.

The girl shook her head, “I’m sure there’s someone here. I have faith in my family.” she said with a hopeful look. He slowly nodded, letting her believe in what she wanted to.

Suddenly, a tiny head had popped up out of nowhere. One of the kids climbed out of the debris of a fallen house and had gasped out loud. The young child had quickly jumped out of her hiding spot and had begun tearing up. (Y/N) quickly bent down as she opened her arms out for the child to run into.

“(Y/N)! You came back!” The little girl cried out in disbelief as she tightly hugged the older girl. (Y/N) had embraced the child, holding her close to her chest while stroking the child’s hair. Her strong demeanor seemed to twinge a little bit as she felt a wave of relief wash over her. After she pulled back from the hug, she smiled back at the little girl, “Oh come on. You think I would leave you that easily? I wouldn’t do that to you.” she cooed, a lump in her throat building up.

The little girl stopped sniffing and had beamed brightly, “Everyone! It’s safe to come out now!” she exclaimed, loud and clear for everyone in the ruins to listen to.

All of a sudden, many kids began to pop out of their hiding spots. From each angle and corner from the collapsed houses, children ranging from many ages had leaped out of their spots to come and tackle (Y/N) with loving hugs.

“(Y/N)! Where have you been this entire time?!”

“You’re finally here..! We thought we would never see you again...”

“What about those bad guys that took you away? Where are they?! I’ll roughen them up if I have to!”

“Who cares about them? I’m just glad that our (Y/N) is back home!”

Xiao examined them all carefully. If he could remember, his puppeteer told him of something like this before.

That’s right.

This is what a heartfelt reunion is supposed to look like.

Xiao had stood on the side quietly as he watched unfamiliar facial expressions on the children. There were around twenty kids that had surrounded the (H/C) haired girl, happily welcoming her back home. What did (Y/N) possibly go through to find herself here? The adepti wondered what would have happened to these children if he hadn’t caught the falling angel. What would their reaction be?

Feeling a little tug on his sleeve, Xiao peered down at a little girl, no older than four, to be looking up at him. Not knowing what to do, he just stood there, staring back at the child playing around with his robe.

“(Y/N), who is that man standing right next to you?” One of the kids asked while pointing at the young demon. (Y/N) stood up with a child in her arms, “That man is... erm... His name is Xiao! He’s the one who rescued me from those bad guys.” The girl had quickly made up as the rest of the kids had gasped in wonder.

“What? Foolish human, I bear no title such as that. I am only a weapon of destruction and-”

“H-His name is Xiao! He was only pretending because you all like to play as pirates.” (Y/N) had laughed nervously as she walked up to the young man, “Please play along, they’re very innocent with no knowledge of what you’re talking about.” she had whispered, which made Xiao groan in annoyance.

How irritable.

“Fine. If that’s the case, then so be it. It is I, Xiao, the Mighty and Illuminated Adepti.” the man played along with a serious tone. To his surprise, all of the kids had gasped in amazement from what he had said. All of the children began to jump around him and ask him questions.

At first, (Y/N) thought of him to be a very cold-hearted person, but after seeing him interacting with the kids, maybe he wasn’t so bad.

“Wow your dress is very elegant! You look like you’re about to get married!” A little girl pointed out, amazed by how splendid (Y/N) had looked. “Who are you marrying? If it’s that mean looking guy over there, I’ll beat him up!” A little boy screamed as he ran over to Xiao and softly punched his leg.

This disgusted Xiao. Oh how much he wanted to kill this child right here and right now for thinking he had the right to insult him with such an act. His dark aura began to surround him until he looked back at the (H/C) haired girl. The kids must be very important to (Y/N) if the last thing she wanted to do was to see them.

Putting his pride to the side, he took a deep breath and looked down on the young boy that punched his leg. Instead of brutally injuring the boy in front of him, he walked and stood next to the young bride that took care of all of the kids.

“That is correct. She’s marrying me.” He said with seriousness laced in his voice.

(Y/N) had blushed, becoming flustered. “W-What are you saying?? Xiao, I am not-”

“She is. I brought her back here safe and sound. You mere mortals should be thanking me for sparing her.” Xiao stated, wrapping one arm around the girl’s waist.

(Y/N) flushed red, shocked at what this man was saying. He has to be out of his mind.

The boy that initiated the punch towards Xiao had his mouth dropped wide. Xiao sent a smug look at the child, claiming victory in his head. If he couldn’t win against him by making him succumb to death, then he will win by claiming (Y/N) as his own.

All in all, the kids had a lot of fun messing around with the young adepti, and (Y/N) was glad to be back.

✦

After tucking all of the kids into their ragged sleeping bags, (Y/N) was able to loosen up from her stress bit by bit. Xiao continued to watch her as she went to tend to her things. The young girl would get up and hum the children to sleep, while some she had talked to them and reassured that she was fine. The boy that had punched Xiao earlier came up to (Y/N) and tugged on her dress a little bit to gain her attention.

“Yes, what is it, Caihong?” the (H/C) haired girl smiled ever so gently towards the young boy. “Could you fix up my arm for me? The wound started to open up again.” he quietly murmured. (Y/N)’s (E/C) eyes widened slightly as she saw the size of the cut on his arm. This looked like a cut of a sword.

“Who did this to you?” she asked in concern.

“One of the bad guys,” Caihong quietly said. “but I didn’t lose! I scared them off so that they wouldn’t come to our hideout.”

Xiao watched intently as he leaned against the stone wall. Without any comment, he continued to stare and observe what mortals do in their conversations.

(Y/N) sat the boy down on a chair and had plucked a translucent white flower from her ragged wedding dress. The scent it radiated was... pleasant to Xiao’s senses.

“What flower is that?” Xiao had inquired, aweing how it bloomed on its own. (Y/N) looked up at his direction and down to the lovely flower in her hands. “Ah, this is the Qingxin flower. It grows on only the highest peaks of Liyue and can serve as a remedy for some injuries.” the girl answered, giving Xiao one for himself to keep.

He took the offering and twiddled it by the stem. Curious, he brought it up to his nose to take a sniff of it. Its fragrance was nothing like the stench of blood. This scent was certainly heavenly.

After (Y/N) had finished taking care of Caihong, she tucked him in one of the only sleeping bags they had and sat down next to Xiao. The distance between them was enough for him to be comfortable. (Y/N) stretched her arms and had leaned her back against the stone wall with the adepti right by her side.

“Sorry for all of the commotion earlier. These kids aren’t in the best condition, but seeing them smile is enough for me to get by.” (Y/N) apologized with a peaceful smile.

“Where are their parents?” He inquired, wanting to know the bits and information to this mortal’s story.

(Y/N) turned away from Xiao, looking up to the sky above them. “They’ve fought and died bravely in the wars they partake in. Some of the children have been abandoned or found injured when I walk around the ruins. Kids of war need a happier childhood, so I decided to be the one to look after them. As the oldest orphan, I felt like I had a duty to fulfill.” She shifted her head to look back at the young adepti.

“I’m sure you must have a duty to fulfill, right?” She grinned warmly towards the young man. He stopped making eye contact with her and looked at his hands, reimagining if it was him on a battlefield. He thought about the mission his evil archon ordered him to go on about and thought about how he had always served as his god’s weapon.

Knowing that (Y/N) might be frightened if he told her what he did in the past, he answered her question with a nod. It felt a little bit conflicting for him to be around these abandoned kids when it’s most likely Xiao to be the one that annihilated those children’s parents. All of the orders he had received during war-- he had to fulfill them all. Even if it meant bloodshed among innocents.

(Y/N) could only admire how the night sky had glistened above them. “The sky looks better here when I’m at home,” she commented, resting her head against the wall.

Xiao looked around and could only see what meets the eye. “This place is a dump. This is not a proper place to call a home.” He bluntly stated. (Y/N) could see what he was getting at, but shook her head.

“Sure, this place looks terrible, but it’s those who reside in the place that can make it a home. Home could mean a peaceful and quiet place where you can happily live in. It’s somewhere that you know you can come back to, feeling cared for, respected, and loved.” She passionately spoke with fire in her eyes. That strong determination that shined in her (E/C) eyes was nothing like before. The time that he had rescued her from falling to her death, her eyes looked like they were filled with anguish.

Xiao tried to remember if there was ever a time if he felt what a “home” was.

“I’ve never had a home before. Someone like me doesn’t deserve a place like that.” Xiao had closed his eyes while folding his arms. (Y/N) looked back at the young adepti with serious eyes, “That’s nonsense! Of course, you deserve a place like that. Everyone deserves to be loved.” she retorted, unconsciously holding onto both of Xiao’s hands.

A part of him had made him defensive, a bit startled from the sudden contact. Nothing fails to surprise him, at this point. This (Y/N) girl was full of surprises.

“Exactly what is that word? What is ‘love’?” Xiao thought out loud for her to hear.

She looked a bit confused. Does this man really not know what love is?

“Well... love is when you cherish something so dearly. It’s when you have a special connection between you and another person. When you become so used to that, it’s like something you feel like you have to protect no matter the cost.” (Y/N) answered without a doubt.

That concept was nothing but foreign to the young demon.

“I don’t recognize it as a need.” He said straightforwardly.

She tightened her grip on his hands slightly, “One day,” she started. Xiao looked up to meet his eyes with the bold girl in front of him, “you’ll suddenly realize it. I’m sure of it. Everyone gets to feel it in some way. Once you do, I’m sure you’ll realize that it’s a very powerful feeling.” (Y/N) brought his hands to her head. It almost looks like she was trying to pray for him to find this peculiar light that he couldn’t see.

Xiao slowly nodded, still trying to get used to the human emotions that she constantly radiates. Maybe from now on, he’ll really try to understand her. Xiao looked back down, his hands enveloped in an unfamiliar warmth. He slowly pulled away from her hands and given her one of the blankets, putting it over her shoulders.

(Y/N) blinked in confusion, watching him walk away. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m going to keep a lookout for you. Get some rest so you can continue looking after the children in the morning.” Xiao stated, summoning his spear out of thin air and piercing it in the floor. He stood his ground as he looked beyond the fields. (Y/N) smiled, wrapping the blanket around her even more.

How considerate...

“Thank you, Xiao.” she quietly whispered, finding herself to fall asleep in no time.

The young man’s ear twitched, hearing the name that she had given him. Not even the evil archon of his had given him a name. He looked back up at the night sky, holding onto the Qingxin flower that (Y/N) had given to him.

“Xiao, huh?” he repeated the name out loud.

That (Y/N) girl had been nothing but trouble to him and yet, a part of him wanted to thank her for giving him something that no one had ever done before.

✦

A couple of weeks went on as Xiao continued to stay by (Y/N)’s side. When he wasn’t around her, he would practice fighting with his spear outside. Some of the kids would watch him as he perfected his fighting stances and his attacks. In the beginning, Xiao could only feel stiff around the little kids running around him. He knew that he was a very powerful entity and a part of him didn’t really want to hurt this group of young mortals.

Sure, he was definitely cold towards the children in the beginning, but after hearing what (Y/N) had to say about them, he tried to understand them more. (Y/N) couldn’t help but feel grateful for him to be around her. Something about him made him much different than the other men who had tried to interact with the young beauty. Then at night times, Xiao would spend his time listening to the lonely girl and would ask her questions about what it meant to live as a human.

Xiao concentrated on his attacks while he continued to think about the past conversations he’s had with (Y/N).

“Happiness is vital to everyone. It’s something you can obtain in various ways, but in the end, it’s like a feeling you have when you sit back at the end of the day and remember those fond memories.”

“Sadness is when you feel a part of your heart missing something. Usually, it’s a reaction to something, for instance, a painful event. Eventually, that something fades away and becomes a memory. When that happens, you can’t help but miss that something that’s now unobtainable. It’s natural for everyone to go through it.”

“Loss? Well... Loss is when you realize that something you loved is no longer with you. It’s something irreplaceable and you’ll find yourself grieving over it for a long while.”

“Marriage? Well... I think it’s supposed to be something that brings you joy. You make a special connection with someone in a way that no one else can, and they can always be the one to be there for you. It’s where unconditional love begins to sprout and you realize you’d want to spend the rest of your life with that person.��

Xiao paused, stopping his spear in mid-air to remember something (Y/N) had said last night.

“It was horrible. A group of bandits were threatening my family. At first, I didn’t know what to do, but then I remembered something very important.” She spoke while walking alongside Xiao by the shore. Xiao stopped walking as he continued listening to the (H/C) haired girl.

“I remembered that I had a home. It wasn’t the best home that other people could think of, but I knew deep down that all of those kids needed me. They’re the ones that I love and I... I wanted to keep that. I wanted to protect them all from the dangerous world. So with that... I... I let the bandits kidnap me and sell me as a slave.” She smiled, but it was a different type of smile. It was a very somber smile.

Xiao was trying to register the emotions that he was feeling. He watched as she continued to keep up a brave front and as she continued to tell her story. “One of the noblemen in Liyue had passed by the slave carriage and had purchased me with his filthy mora. I was sold as a slave and this group of men began to... hurt me... in different ways. One day, one of the men had ridiculed my family and I became... very furious. There was no other way to escape but I continued to throw the rest of my words at him. It was all I had left to fight with. That’s when he decided to...” the girl had found it difficult to continue talking.

In the middle of her words, she couldn’t help but cry.

It was a very natural thing for humans to do.

Right there, she cried in front of Xiao, slowly losing the energy to stand up and just sat down with her knees to her chest.

“I can’t forget the pain they’ve caused me. I’ve gone through so much abuse that I’ve forgotten what all of the other emotions felt like. It’s been so long since I had seen daylight, and by the time I was able to see the sky, it was on my wedding day...” She wept softly, her voice cracking. Xiao bent down, not knowing what to do.

“I did what I had to do to escape. I had to poison him. Then in that very moment, I fled the ceremony. I ran as fast as I could to escape and I climbed further than I thought was humanly possible. In the end, I was able to reach the highest point of all of Liyue in the floating shrine above Qingyun Peak and right there... I found only peace. The world felt still at that moment. I couldn’t hear anything and couldn’t find the energy to think about the hardships I had overcome. If I had died then and there, it would have granted my selfish wish.” (Y/N) sniffed, burying her tears against her sleeves.

So this was the freedom she was talking about on the first day that they met.

Again, Xiao’s body begun to move on its own. He had slowly wrapped his arms around the shaking girl. She looked like she could shatter so easily. Someone so frail, yet someone so strong. A mortal that could continue fighting on, managing to survive after all of that. Xiao felt his heart beating a little bit faster once he made contact with the crying girl. If he could look in his reflection, what kind of face would he be making right now?

“Everything... will be alright. I’m right here for you.” He quietly murmured, digging his face into her neck as he embraced her completely. (Y/N) had been strong enough. She slowly brought her arms up to Xiao and hugged back.

Her (E/C) colored eyes shimmered as she tightened her hold. Her mouth quivered, then she felt her breath draw disoriented.

She bawled. Almost like a newborn baby. She shed many tears, it would be enough to fill a river. She clung to Xiao like it was the last thing she could ever hold. Xiao was enveloped in her warmth. This was different than him holding onto her when she was falling in the air. Now the time they’ve spent together had felt more special than before. He was a man of very few words, but his actions can tell a whole story. The young adepti comforted the (H/C) haired girl, not knowing what this emotion was in his chest.

“I’ll protect you, (Y/N). I won’t let those bastards lay a hand on you anymore.” Xiao promised, his heart tightening when hearing the girl weep. Hearing that some awful humans could do this to an angelic person had made him swear vengeance. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to wipe away her tears and hold her in his arms. He wanted to cherish her and make her smile.

He wanted to love her.

He wanted to be the one to make sure that she received all of the love she deserved. Xiao pulled away, missing the Qingxin fragrance she radiated. He looked at her with determined eyes, kneeling on one knee and one Qingxin flower on the other.

“(Y/N)... I swear that I’ll protect you. I’ll curse anyone who dares to stand in your way.” He spoke with conviction. Xiao has never knelt down to a mortal before. He knew exactly what the repercussions would be if he betrays his loyalty for his archon.

Xiao didn’t care anymore.

He wanted to be with (Y/N).

“(Y/N)... I--”

“Xiaooo? Are you there?” Caihong hollered, standing in front of Xiao. The young man had snapped his head out of the clouds. He looked down to see the little handful of a child looking at him ever so daringly. Out of all of the kids, he was the only one that was brave enough to mess with him.

“What is it, boy?” Xiao questioned as he stabbed his spear to the side, causing it to disappear in thin air. Caihong still awed in amazement from a very strange sight, but then shook his head. “(Y/N) wanted me to tell you that she needed some more Qingxin flowers to treat the injured kids she found. Since she has a lot of things to do, she was wondering if you could collect some for her.” Caihong told the young adepti his orders from (Y/N).

His eyes softened when he mentioned her name.

(Y/N)...

He looked into the distance where he could see (Y/N) taking care of the young ones. She grinned cheerfully towards the children, then making eye contact with Xiao. To think that she was the same girl that had broken down in his arms that very night...

(Y/N) is stronger than she looks.

Xiao smiled.

Caihong couldn’t believe his eyes. The stern and serious man was able to smile??

“Xiao! You’re smiling!” Caihong shouted in disbelief. Were his eyes deceiving him? The young demon had stopped staring at (Y/N) and ruffled the boy’s hair. “I’m not smiling. Your eyes are deceiving you.” He spoke, denying that he was able to make such a facial expression.

“Oi! Don’t ignore me and pretend that I’m not here! Let go of my hair!” He cried out, shooing the adepti’s hands away from his head. The boy has never seen Xiao like this before. Perhaps a grumpy guy like Xiao really did need someone as bright as (Y/N). Caihong’s eyes lit up, remembering something important. “Oh yeah! (Y/N) said that she has something important to tell you tonight! I think she’s going to prepare her special almond tofu dish for you!” He happily exclaimed.

Xiao nodded, wondering what that would taste like. Well, if it’s anything that (Y/N) prepares, he’ll have no choice but to like it.

Maybe this is what happiness felt like.

In the past, Xiao wasn’t allowed to imagine things. The evil archon forbade it. Pondering and creating scenarios in his head wasn’t something he couldn’t do often, but he couldn’t help but think of her.

He thought about what the girl had said about marriage. Would she be happy if he said he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life with her?

As he made his way to get prepared to collect Qingxin flowers, he couldn’t help smiling to himself the entire way.

✦

Qingxin flowers can be found at any high point in the lands of Liyue. Xiao had no trouble leaping towards high spots in the air. For once, he had enabled his demonic form for something that wouldn’t cause bloodshed. He allowed his demonic form to make him lighter as he continued to collect the translucent white flowers that blossomed at his touch. Although he had felt a little bit of pain from maintaining this form, he knew that (Y/N) would be back at home to take care of him again.

With (Y/N)’s contrasting approach to life, the world seemed to become a bit... brighter. Xiao no longer drowned out all of the sounds to his ears as he did on the battlefield. For once, he allowed himself to hear the chirps of the birds and watch cranes fly above peacefully.

Yes, yes! That was the word!

Peace.

He was able to find peace.

It was all because of (Y/N). He was able to allow more room for growth. She let him realize that maybe a part of him really was human. Xiao had held the Qingxin flowers tighter, thinking about the very significant mortal he looked after every day. Maybe he should get something special for her today.

He couldn’t get the thought of her out of her head. Especially after last night.

How could he tell her how he felt?

The way she makes him feel warm was different than any ordinary blaze.

The way she tells him with determined eyes that even he deserves a home.

The way that she somehow got the children to enjoy his company and make him feel like there are more things in life worth protecting.

The way she smiles so fearlessly in the face of danger.

He wanted to protect it all.

He wanted to protect her.

“Enjoying yourself?” a voice came from behind.

Xiao immediately dropped everything he was holding and withdrawn his jade spear in an instant. He pointed his weapon at the voice, only to realize that it was the evil archon himself. The young demon took a step back, “What are you doing here?” he spoke with a contentious tone.

This archon right here... Xiao never noticed this before, but he could feel the heinous aura that filled the atmosphere. Something about this random encounter with his puppeteer felt sinister.

“I’m just here to observe your journey. I’ve watched you from afar and seen you acting abnormally. Have you perhaps fallen in love yet?” The archon inquired, leaning in to detect if the young demon would react in any way. At the moment, Xiao was a bit hesitant to answer his question. If anything, he began to question why he continued to obey this archon’s evildoings. What if something he said would bring danger to (Y/N)?

If he says yes, the archon might be able to let him go and free him of his duties. No. That’s just him trying to be optimistic. There’s a high chance that the archon could use that as leverage against him as well.

“No. I have not.” Xiao answered, glaring with threatening eyes.

The evil archon chuckled, “Is that so?” as he began to burst out in laughter.

Xiao was a bit unnerved from hearing the evil archon laughing hysterically. Looking for a way out, he grabbed the flowers that he had been collecting when all of a sudden he felt a stinging pain in his abdomen. Xiao choked out blood, feeling his body being pushed against the grass. His jade spear was summoned without his permission and had been pierced through his body.

“Liar.”

The black haired man remembered this pain as he winced at the sharp object that’s causing his crimson blood to spill out of his stomach. He hissed at the discomfort the wound is giving him and he raised his head, daring to look at the archon in the eyes.

“Oh my. I knew this was a good idea from the start but I didn’t think it would turn out this good.” The archon brought his hand to pull up Xiao’s chin.

“You love that girl, don’t you?”

Xiao’s amber eyes widened in realization. He knew where this was going.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” He shouted with anger seething out of his attitude.

The evil archon smirked at his puppet. “Don’t worry. I won’t lay a hand on her,” he chuckled, looking down at the young demon that was beneath his feet. “but I know they will.”

Xiao writhed under the pressure of his spear that pierced him. He needed to escape. He needed to get out. He needed to go to her.

“My my! What has gotten into you, my puppet? Since when did you start to think about the lives of mortals that you’ve been slaying this entire time? What makes her different from the rest, hmm?”

“She shows no mortal arrogation! She’s not selfish nor filthy like the others!” He retorted with conviction in his voice.

“Who gave you the right to feel this way? Think about it. After all of the times you’ve slaughtered those innocent people, you’re nothing but a murderer.”

“You ordered me to do it! I had no other choice but to obey!”

“You had free will, did you not? At any time, you could have easily stopped your killings and put an end to everything yourself. It’s all your fault. You did this to yourself.”

“You’re wrong!”

“So are you saying that you’re right?”

Xiao paused, refusing to show his face to his archon.

“I’m saying that you’re quite adept at manipulating people. It doesn’t matter what you think of me. I know that (Y/N) will still be by my side.”

“How can you be so sure? Have you even told her what you’ve done to the parents of the children she’s taking care of? Do you think that she’ll just accept you because in the end, you found a way to hide your past instead of confronting her about it? Of course not. She’s a human, and you’re a demon. You two are nothing alike, and because of that, you’ll never find a way to truly be close to her. You’re an atrocious monstrosity.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re delusional, boy. There’s nowhere else for you to go where anyone can accept you. Once that girl, (Y/N), catches the wind of the truth, it’s over for you.”

The evil archon stepped off of the adepti, causing Xiao to gasp for air. He was slowly weakening. His fingertips touched the liquid that protruded out of his stomach.

Damn it. His weapon was laced with poison.

Xiao felt helpless as he laid on the grass on top of the mountain. All ounces of energy he had was now depleting at a fast rate. Out of frustration, he took a handful of Qingxin flowers and clenched it to his stomach.

“Ah, this is the Qingxin flower. It grows on only the highest peaks of Liyue and can serve as a remedy for some injuries.”

Xiao could remember her words as if it was yesterday.

(Y/N)...

Black dots danced around his vision as the last thing he saw in his sight was the smirk of the evil archon. After his final attempt to fight against the poison, his body had refused to keep up with him, causing him to lose consciousness.

✦

Bit by bit, Xiao’s eyes opened up. For once in his lifetime, he had dreamt a dream. He squinted, trying to see if he was seeing correctly. The gaping hole in his stomach was no longer there. Bloodstains remained in his clothing as proof of his encounter with the evil archon.

Xiao urgently got up from his fallen state and could see the sun fall setting in its place. His fists clenched the Qingxin flower that had once prospered greatly on its own. Its white color was tainted, no longer pure. Crimson smeared the edges of the petals as it slowly wilted.

Was he regenerating faster because he had more power?

Nevermind that. Xiao couldn’t afford to lose another second. Who knows what could have happened to (Y/N) during the time that the young demon had been passed out. He was quick with his feet, leaping off of the summit of the mountain with the thoughts of the (H/C) haired girl filling his thoughts.

He clenched his teeth.

He should have known that the evil archon was merely using him.

If it weren’t for (Y/N) to guide him to his morals, he definitely would not be where he was right now.

Xiao felt his stomach twisting. This time, he was able to distinguish it as an emotion. It wasn’t a physical pain caused on the outside, but the unsettling feeling that lets him know that something is wrong.

His instinct was more than correct.

In the distance, he could already see smoke releasing into the air. Combustions and explosions can be heard, along with very familiar cries that he has heard before.

“Kids of war need a happier childhood, so I decided to be the one to look after them. As the oldest orphan, I felt like I had a duty to fulfill.”

No.

Xiao used his lemniscatic wind cycling to lunge forward in mid-air, then proceeding to dive down and make an impact with the ground. He shifted his eyes hastily, many bodies of children to be mercilessly killed. The kids that he had surrounded himself with during his time with (Y/N) were all slaughtered. She cared for them. She put her time and energy spending it all on the young ones rather than looking after her health. Xiao’s grip tightened around his polearm.

“Loss? Well... Loss is when you realize that something you loved is no longer with you.”

He clenched onto the hem of his robe.

“It’s something irreplaceable and you’ll find yourself grieving over it for a long while.”

Xiao had quickly sifted through the debris of the broken down house. The blazes had raged, mocking the young demon in a taunting way. Bits of ash had already flaked through the air. The pyre had devoured his line of sight.

“Well... love is when you cherish something so dearly. It’s when you have a special connection between you and another person.”

His breathing had stopped. This can’t be.

“When you become so used to that, it’s like something you feel like you have to protect it no matter the cost.”

His blood ran cold. He felt asphyxiated.

(Y/N) was dead.

(Y/N) WAS DEAD.

A nobleman had walked into view, smirking as he saw a leftover orphan who he assumed was the last one they were looking for. “Hey, boys! We missed one right here.” The man with blood splattered across his rich attire spoke with arrogance. “That bitch should’ve realized who she was messing with when she poisoned me during the ceremony. I guess that’s just what happens when you buy a cheap slut in the market. Let’s finish this last one up and then drinks are on me.” The man had blurted with cockiness. The nobleman pulled his sword out of a lifeless boy’s body, kicking it towards Xiao like a ragdoll. It was... Caihong.

The young man’s breathing had hitched.

He felt his ears ringing.

His hair covered his glowing amber eyes as he stared at (Y/N)’s lifeless body.

Xiao went numb.

His heartbeat was the only thing he could hear and it was hammering against his ribcage like it was about to burst.

“What’s death? Well... death is what makes life worth living. It tells us that we have a certain timeframe to do everything we ever wanted to accomplish. It’s inevitable, and in some cases, different forms of life end sooner than expected. Most often, we lose someone we love so much during the process, making us feel all sorts of emotions. That’s just what makes us human.” (Y/N) had beamed, looking at the vast sky. She turned to lean her head on Xiao’s shoulder.

“Especially you, Xiao. You might not know yourself very well, but I can just tell.” She hummed in delight.

Xiao cocked his eyebrow, “What does that mean?” he asked with a puzzled look.

(Y/N) smiled into his shoulder, catching him off guard once more.

“You’re human. Just like me.”

A monstrous gust of wind had discharged where the adepti once stood. Xiao’s demonic form had materialized in a blink of an eye. The men that had terrorized his home had been knocked off their feet, meeting an intense force that propelled their bodies against the dirt of Teyvat. With their confusion, they tried to see where the assault came from and had realized that the young man that stood before him was a force that should not be reckoned with.

Xiao had flashed past the group of men, rapidly puncturing his spear between all of their hamstring muscles behind their knees, ensuring that none of them could ever walk again. Many of them writhed in agony from the jade spear that had still been laced with poison.

“What the hell was that?!”

“My legs! I can’t get up!”

The young demon had swiftly teleported behind the largest guy in the group and had grabbed a hold of his entire face with his gloved hands. Xiao then proceeded to bring his spear to pierce the center of his neck. Crimson liquid had spewed and sprayed from the bandit’s neck as he gargled on his own blood. Still seeing that he was alive and conscious, Xiao demonstrated his inhuman strength by lifting the man’s body and tossing it up in the sky. Violence plagued his mind as he lacerated the man with thousands of cuts in a single second, the demon maneuvering perfectly in the air before dismembering the man entirely. As the body parts separated, the large clots of blood had sprinkled the atmosphere like rain.

Finally, Xiao teleports right above the mutilated masterpiece as he spiraled down towards the ground, erupting a treacherous impact that would inflict true agony. Not only was the man pierced by Xiao’s jaded spear, but he was also spiked by the shadow fragments of all of the times he’s ruthlessly murdered other polearm users.

This was no force to be going up against.

This is true fear.

With this mask, Xiao remembered just why he had detested mortals so much.

“No! Stop! It hurts!” One of the men begged for mercy as Xiao had just begun. He dashed towards the bandit and coiled into a form of wind, opening up his stomach with a clean cut. The black haired man with teal undertones teleported behind the man, bending his arm in an unnatural way until it snapped. The audible crunch could be heard by everyone there, allowing them to freely imagine what their doom would be like. The man coughed in his own blood, but that didn’t stop Xiao from holding his arms from behind his back and kicking the back of the bandit’s torso. Choking in blood, the bandit couldn’t scream for help as his organs helplessly collapsed out of his body. Dumping the body to the side, he heavily breathed in and out.

This was a different type of hatred that resided within his entirety.

The animosity that radiated through the adepti’s mask was evident as it glowed darkly. One by one, Xiao had performed cruel acts towards the sinners that wreaked havoc on his home. Whether it was plucking their eyes out or bashing all of their bones, Xiao couldn’t find a resolution to his resentment.

All that was left was the nobleman that had forced (Y/N) into an arranged marriage. The thought of such filth laying even a finger on his (Y/N) was more than enough to greet the tip of his spear. Xiao looked down at the mortal that cowered beneath him. Emotions are fickle in the face of danger.

“Stop don’t do this! I can pay you ten times the price I paid for that slave! I can give all of the mora you ever want! Please just spare me!” The prideless man begged as he couldn’t feel his legs at all. Xiao stepped on the man’s torso, his piercing amber gaze had been strong enough alone to silence the sinner. The demon’s dark aura increased as Xiao collected his distributed rage into his jade spear.

“Your mora can’t even compare to (Y/N). Not even in the slightest.” Xiao’s spear was enchanting as it collected stacks of power from the built up anger. The adepti stomped on one of the nobleman’s kneecaps, an audible crunch filling the air. He screamed at the top of his lungs, feeling the excruciating pain throughout his entire body. Xiao wanted to make his death as long as possible. Even if the man were to pass out, the demon could slip some of his corrupted aura into his bloodstream to ensure he stays awake.

The young man grabbed a hold of the nobleman’s wrist, shattering the bones in his arm completely. Another defenseless howl erupted from the shameless man. Xiao remembered (Y/N) saying that they had hurt her in various ways, even those that she couldn’t bring herself to say. The thought of the group of bandits exploiting the pure girl had driven him to the brink of no return.

“You won’t be needing these anymore.” The man wailed in agony as Xiao dislocated the joints in the nobleman’s fingers. With his spear, he had begun cutting off each and every finger of his at an antagonizing pace. His screams weren’t enough to satisfy him.

Xiao ripped off the man’s arm in one effortless pull.

Another scream.

The demon looked down at the human in disgust. Why were so many mortals so repulsive? The jade spear he had was stabbed in the man’s chest, but not all the way. He made an incision that was thin enough for Xiao to open up the skin of the man’s torso. Without any hesitation, the adepti bent open the nobleman’s ribcage in the most unnatural way.

“Please... s..stop.” The bandit pleaded.

“You didn’t stop when she told you to. Hypocrites like you must rot.”

The polearm user gutted out the rest of the organs that were left in the man’s body.

“You deserve this.”

He punctured one of the man’s eyes with one of his thumbs.

“You don’t have the right to live.”

Xiao clenched his teeth, going back to think about (Y/N).

Seeing her lifeless body near one of the burning houses. It... It evoked true calamity from the young adepti.

“You took her away from me.”

Xiao summoned his charged spear from thin air. The nobleman was disfigured already. His body was beyond recognition after what Xiao had done to him. Yet, it still wasn’t enough.

The young adepti clenched onto his jade spear, “N̶̻̽ő̸̘̠w̸̗̖͗ ̴̲̓I̴̝̓’̸̗̭̾̽m̵̩̤͠ ̸̺͒͜g̷̛̳͍̈́o̵̮͒i̴͉̕͘n̶͎͗g̸̦̺̀̂ ̶͔̫͛t̷̯̓͊o̵̻̽̓ ̷̹͖͌̕t̴͍̚a̸͙͝k̵̯͝ẹ̶̒ ̷͕̈̏ė̸̜͜͝v̸͕̲̆ế̶͚̪ŕ̸̢͕ỳ̷̺t̸̥̆h̴̹̠͌̇ḯ̵̫̙n̶̜̉g̵͙̮̋̏ ̴̧͈́̂ȧ̸̬̗w̵̤͇̄á̵̺̣ŷ̵̢͘ ̴̞̂͌ͅf̷͎͐r̶͉͕̈́o̸͙͠m̷̖͚̿ ̴̯͓̈̉ỳ̶͖̂o̴̬̾u̴̖̔͝,̸̢̐͘ ̶̹̏s̷̜̑̀ţ̷̌a̸̯̽̂r̸̗̄͝ṭ̷̈́͠ḭ̴͆n̸̘̈́g̶̭͂ ̵̦̱͋̚w̷̺̉į̷̻̾̅t̴̜̿̇h̶̞͖̍ ̴̜͇͐̚ỵ̶̓o̴̥̗̿͐ụ̴́r̶̖͂͂ ̸̬͊̊d̶̙̬͌̕r̴̮̒̕e̸͜͝ͅa̷̲̓m̴̻͆s̶̲̐” he growled with bitterness. The polearm user slowly hunched over the mangled human, preparing to remove his mask to begin devouring the man’s dreams when all of a sudden he heard something in the distance.

All movement stopped.

Xiao heard someone calling out his name.

Snapped out of his bloodthirsty trance, he pulled his head up.

“(Y/N)?”

He paused, stalling the death of (Y/N)’s capturer. He couldn’t tell if he was hallucinating or not.

“Xiao!”

The young man dropped everything he was doing. That filth is going to die anyway. The most important thing right now is trying to look for (Y/N). He stood up from the bloodied body and had staggered towards the direction the (H/C) haired girl was.

He felt his rage settling down as he began to search for that gentle voice. The soothing hums of (Y/N) could be heard from behind one of the stone pillars that had collapsed next to the body of the young girl.

Xiao rushed towards (Y/N)’s body. He pulled her into his embrace, trying to see if he could get any reaction. Something. Anything that could tell him that she was alive. A part of him wished that he could feel her arms rise up and hug him back.

He pulled away and slowly checked her heart by lowering his ear against her chest. The anticipation for the young adepti was torture. Time moved slowly as he sharpened his hearing.

One second passed.

Xiao’s grip on the girl grew tighter.

Two seconds passed.

He felt the world crumbling beneath his feet.

Three seconds passed.

“Please...”

Four seconds passed.

Xiao lifted his head from her chest and stared at her soft features. She still looked gorgeous. It was like he was seeing the girl again for the first time. On the day that he fell for her, he didn’t realize he would fall this hard.

He froze in place.

There was a subtle movement in her fingertips. Xiao’s amber eyes had shone light in itself once more. The (H/C) haired girl let out a cough, slowly shifting out of place. “X...Xi..ao..?” she weakly whispered with wincing eyes. The gash on her head was a very dangerous cut. The adepti felt alleviated. Relief washed over him as he held the girl tightly while burying his face into her soft (H/C) hair. The girl couldn’t see very well, but she could never mistake Xiao for anyone else. Slowly her frail arms wrapped themselves around Xiao’s body.

“Welcome home.” She whispered shakily with little strength behind her voice.

Xiao didn’t know how to express how grateful he was to see her still alive. He had thought that he had lost all hope. “I’m home, (Y/N). I’m back at home...” He sniffed, not realizing that he had been tearing up this entire time. (Y/N)’s eyes couldn’t properly see it, but she could feel that his heart was aching.

She brought her thumb to his cheek, wiping the tear that threatened to spill on his face. Something in his chest had felt like it was suffocating him as he saw (Y/N) in this current state.

Xiao’s heart... hurt. She did the same exact motion on his cheek when they first met.

Hurt?

How many times has he finally discovered the words behind the meaningful things he couldn’t describe today?

So this is what she meant by he was hurting. All of a sudden, Xiao was able to understand everything now. He was able to feel his emotions. Him of all people. The demon slayer that slaughtered innocents. All of the burdens he didn’t realize he had on his back had suddenly begun to tumble onto him.

This was very painful to watch.

(Y/N) was dying in front of him.

He knew exactly what was going to happen. On the battlefield, it was all the same thing. Death by killing, death by injuries, and to those who are caught up in the middle of it all. Xiao knew this all too well and he was holding onto his significant mortal. He scoped around the burnt down place they had called home and had hissed at himself for failing to save the little ones. Their lifeless facial expressions were frozen in fear and anguish. Xiao protected (Y/N) from witnessing the horrible sight behind him by draping his long robe to block her vision.

He needed to find another way to protect her.

She was going to end up like one of them too if he didn’t.

She was going to wind up in the same inevitable fate that all humans face when they meet their end.

“Remember when I said I... I was going to tell you something, Xiao?” The fragile girl voiced out, hands trying to navigate where the young adepti’s hands were. “I have a surprise for you... but we have to go to the Foundation of Plaustrite” she muttered, closing her eyes, a bit exhausted than she thought she would be.

The blood that dripped down the side of her head had most likely resulted from a severe concussion. Not only that, but the large cut in her abdomen was alarmingly frightening to the young adepti.

The demon was trembling, “But you’re extremely injured. You need treatment.” he twinged at the thought of (Y/N) leaving him again. A part of him felt like if he didn’t do anything now, (Y/N) would die easily to her injuries. Of course, the young demon would see it like that. He had forgotten that he had stronger regenerative abilities than the average human.

“Please. It’s my final wish.” (Y/N) prayed quietly. She attempted to open her eyes but stopped when Xiao covered her eyes with his own hands. “Don’t open your eyes.” He advised.

Xiao hesitated, afraid that he might accidentally hurt her if he picked her up wrong. There’s no way that he could reject her request. Haltingly, he bent down to carry the girl in his arms in one full sweep. He no longer felt tired. He felt as if he was granted all of the strength he needed in all of the lands of Teyvat.

“Is this comfortable?”

“...In your arms? Always.”

The black haired man with teal undertones carried the girl with ease. Before parting ways with their home, he looked back at those who had wronged (Y/N). Their bodies are now beyond recognition. As a man who’ll do anything to protect what was his, he had decided to leave the dead men behind like it was nothing.

Seeing (Y/N) breathing again was enough for him to calm down.

“...What happened to the children?” The (H/C) haired girl asked. A gruesome image flashed into Xiao’s head when mentioned. “They’re in a better place. I made sure that they’re comfortable in their new home.” He lied through his teeth. He wanted to spare her feelings.

“...What about the... bandits?” (Y/N) showed a hint of worry. The only thing he could think of was the way he had eliminated every last one of them. “They were also taken care of. I decided to go easy on them.” Xiao lied once more.

(Y/N) appreciated the thought of the young man attempting to keep her hopes protected from what just happened. The smell of iron was already enough to tell her what happened at their home.

Slowly, he began to walk towards their destination. Along the way, he couldn’t help but notice the girl continuing to hum as she was on death’s door. Xiao’s eyes never left the sight of (Y/N). If he didn’t, then it would feel like she could vanish without a trace.

“Xiao?”

“Yes, (Y/N)?”

“...Have I ever told you how much color you’ve brought into my world?” She wistfully breathed.

The man ascended a trail that made its way up. Paying attention to (Y/N) at the same time, he wore a composed face.

“No, you haven’t,” he replied with a gentle voice. He had to stay strong. Strong for (Y/N).

“Really? I thought I told you before... but maybe it was all a dream.” (Y/N) shut her eyes. The moment between both of them had felt so serene. “I remember telling you all about the new recipe I had prepared. There was also a time where I gave you a Qingxin flower crown... Did you like it?” She asked as her thoughts were jumping everywhere. She was barely conscious, but she still managed to voice out all of her silly concerns.

Xiao didn’t have a clue about what she was talking about. When imagining those random scenarios in his head, he could only pretend like he had experienced that all with her.

“Yes. I liked it a lot.” He went along with what she was saying.

“I see. That makes me very happy.”

Xiao hoisted her in his arms bridal style again, making sure that he doesn’t harm her. Even now, (Y/N) looked so angelic in his arms. The blood that dried up around her body smelled like iron.

“You know... sometimes I feel like meeting you was too good to be true. A dream, even.” (Y/N) rambled freely, pushing her head against Xiao’s chest.

His grip on the girl grew tighter, “I could say the same thing for you too. You don’t understand how much you’ve taught me how colorful the world was.” he pressed her head as close as he could to his neck as he made his way up the mountain.

“Hey... Do you know what the difference between ‘I like you’ and ‘I love you’?” (Y/N) weakly inquired.

Xiao didn’t know how to reply.

“It’s like flowers... When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily.” The girl told the adepti. He grabbed one of (Y/N)’s hands to hold, keeping his warmth closer to him.

“...If you were a Qingxin flower... I would gladly water you every day.” (Y/N) confessed as she began to lose her train of thought.

Xiao’s heart skipped a beat. No one has ever expressed their concern to him before.

She was able to genuinely say that to Xiao with confidence. Her devotion stayed true to him until the end. Her tender touch was enough to tell him that everything was going to be okay, even when he knew damn well that it wasn’t going to be. Xiao wanted to surpass this new and unknown obstacle. He wanted to continue watching over (Y/N) and make sure that she gets all of the love that she deserved.

Xiao leaped onto the floating platforms that lead up to the floating shrine.

This was where he had first met (Y/N).

The setting stayed the same, along with the way the sky was painted similarly as before. This time, it was all different.

Xiao was able to comprehend his mortal emotions.

(Y/N) wanted to live.

Their pasts would contrast with their present now.

“We’re here...” Xiao whispered to his beloved.

The adepti carefully set the frail girl to lean against the stone seat. The warm hues reached her eyelids as she could feel the rays of light shine on her. Xiao had sat down beside her, no longer keeping a distance from her like back then. He couldn’t find the heart to act coldly towards her. Steadily, he stared off into the sunset. It was the same as before.

“It’s so warm here.” (Y/N) noted out loud, resting her head against Xiao’s shoulder. A part of him wanted time to freeze at this moment so he could spend the rest of his life with (Y/N). He felt his heart finding the moment to find momentary peace. If there was a god out there that could stop the entire universe, Xiao would trade anything he had to spend all of the time he could with the girl he held dear to.

“Do you want to know where your surprise is?” (Y/N) softly spoke, her strength dissipating.

The young demon grabbed a hold of one of (Y/N)’s hands. “Where is it?” He asked with a lump in his throat. He could tell in her tone of voice that she was already departing to the other side.

“My little surprise is in that book on the stone slab of this place. There’s a Qingxin flower as a bookmarker so it won’t be that difficult to find. You can go read it now if you want.”

“No.” Xiao clutched her hand.

“I wish to spend the rest of your time with you.” He declared quietly, not wanting to think of anything else. The intrusion of dark thoughts could no longer reach him up here. There was only peace.

(Y/N) hummed, “I see.” as she twiddled with Xiao’s bigger hand. Without thinking, the girl had slid her fingers between his palm, entwining fingers.

“Xiao... I think meeting you was...a serendipitous encounter... We both weren’t anticipating to end up like this. When we both met, we were both looking for something. There’s never been a time where I regretted being with you.” (Y/N) smiled with tranquility as her truth.

The adepti’s heart stung by her sweet yet bitter words.

“You don’t regret being with a demon like me?” He slipped out, throwing out a side of him that he never showed to (Y/N). He was afraid of rejection. What if she really despised him because of what he’s done?

(Y/N) let out a gracious laugh, “You’re not a demon, silly... You’re just as human like me. That’s all there is to it. You’re just like me, Xiao.” she indulged him by embracing him with one last hug.

“I don’t know who told you that but I know for a fact that you’re not a demon. If anything, you’ve acted like a guardian towards me. I value you very much and I wouldn’t want to hear you say otherwise.”

Xiao was amazed at what lengths (Y/N) would go for him. He was never used to her close contact, but for these last moments, he couldn’t help but wanting to savor it all. No one has ever told him that he was someone worth being cared for. They all only looked at him like a weapon of war. With the hands of his, (Y/N) saw it as inviting rather than dangerous.

(Y/N) was definitely different from the rest.

Xiao’s amber eyes had already started to tear up. This was an unfamiliar mental state that he was in. Never had he ever thought that he would make it this far to understand human emotions. Xiao was always a well guarded person who would always distance himself from anyone getting near him and yet...

(Y/N) was always there.

The sentimental words have reached the young adepti. He no longer felt ashamed for expressing how he felt. A slip of a tear fell from his cheek, “(Y/N)..?” he called out again to make sure she was still there.

“...Yes... Xiao?” She replied slowly.

Xiao tugged her closer to him. No one in the world could make him resort to these human senses of him. He only wanted to stay by her side and her side only.

“I love you.”

(Y/N) pulled away from his hug and saw his somber yet grateful facial expressions. Now that she could see his entire face, she realized she couldn’t put up her strong front anymore.

She began to cry, realizing the weight of their situation.

“I... love you too.”

Xiao felt something that he had forgotten he had in his pocket. Curious as to what it was, he pulled it out and realized it was the flower crown that (Y/N) was talking about.

Had he always have this in his pocket? Where did this come from?

He went back in his thoughts to try to remember where he got this from. All he could remember was that he had felt this object in his pocket after his dream earlier that day.

The black haired young man with teal undertones had carefully knelt down in front of her. With one hand, he grabbed (Y/N)’s other ones as he placed a soft kiss on top. It almost felt like he was a knight preparing to give his vows.

“(Y/N). There’s been a question I’ve always pondered to ask of you. I’m not very sure if we can make do with what little time we have remaining, but I’d appreciated it if you allowed me to have the opportunity.” Xiao started, feeling the girl’s tender gaze upon him. “From the day we’ve met, I had only thought about how foolish mortals were. There was a part of me that refused to take a part in opening up to a newer side of the world. I was more than afraid if you were going to shut me out entirely. I’m just a shell of a sinner... It almost feels morally wrong to even stand near you. But that all had shifted once you sat down next to me under the starry night sky. You were the only one who could change my perspective, and I am eternally grateful for how you’ve healed me.”

He swallowed. What was he saying? He was a bit doubtful if he worded his sentences correctly but he had no choice but to continue.

“...I can’t imagine growing old with anyone else, nor do I want to. When I think about you, I know that no one will hold my heart the same way you do. With you by my side, I feel at peace, and when you’re gone, I’m constantly looking for a way to get closer to you. I’m sure that you’ve had bad memories of this, but I’d like to overwrite those memories with something genuine... (Y/N)... Will you marry me?” Xiao confessed with sincere, heartfelt words. His heartbeat seemed to synchronize at the same time as (Y/N)’s. The atmosphere never felt so enchanting than now. Time was running out for both of them.

The weakened girl in front of him had no words to say other than yes. Instead of accepting the flower crown that he had held in his grasp, she had caressed the adepti with both of her hands on each side of Xiao’s face. They both met each other’s eyes. His amber ones looking into her (E/C) orbs, perhaps asking for permission before he could continue. (Y/N) slowly nodded, blushing when Xiao had finally leaned forward and had pressed a gentle kiss against the girl’s soft lips.

It was all but peaceful.

Finally.

Xiao was able to get these feelings off of his chest. He gazed at the sunset once more before he picked up (Y/N) again and sat her against the stone bench where he held her by the waist.

“I’m... feeling... tired...” The girl had said with complete honesty.

Xiao couldn’t help but feel pity when he saw his lover. She was deteriorating faster than he would’ve imagined. It was like he was watching another Qingxin flower lose its petals. She slowly hummed again, a harmonious tune that would ingrain into Xiao’s memories.

“Are you... afraid of death?” The adepti watched with attentive eyes. As someone who inflicted death among others, it would certainly be a different experience if he had asked someone who was about to go through it.

(Y/N) shook her head. “...When I’m with you...? Never. I’m not... afraid.” She wheezed a little bit, leaning her head on Xiao’s shoulder once more. Although time was running out, she kept wearing her brave smile as she fell drowsier.

“...Smile... for... me?” (Y/N)’s voice ran out as she was clinging onto life for as long as she could. Her final wish.

Xiao’s most difficult task to do. During this time as he watched everything he had developed with this girl slowly bloom throughout his heart. From all the times they’ve stayed up watching after the kids and talked until the dead of the night. Through the harsh rains and cold days, Xiao would continue to stand by her side. It was something worth protecting. He was given a reason to continue on with a more fulfilling purpose. She had given it all to him with open arms.

He trembled, but continued to wipe his tears. Taking a deep breath, he blocked out all of the worst thoughts that could flow into his head. He had to do it for her now. He has to answer her prayers.

There he was. The man that had worn his composed and calm features had been able to send (Y/N) one last smile. His lips quivered as he attempted to hold a brave front. He has to commend (Y/N) for having that special ability. The (H/C) haired girl shut her eyes. Yes... This was all she ever wanted.

She never felt so free until now. The freedom that she had always wanted was now granted to her.

The adepti had endured the last bits of time he could spend with her. With the way that (Y/N) grinned with no regrets, he felt the seconds going by like hours. This was all he could do for her now.

...So this was love.

What a strong emotion. No wonder why mortals fight for what they believe in. Before he met her, he was just an empty husk with no concept of what it takes to be human. Now that (Y/N) showed him the ways of how life could be spent, it would be the end of her journey.

It was just two companions that were dreaming alongside each other. Two contrasting people that come from two different backgrounds. No matter how far he came with her, he couldn’t help but notice what solitude truly was when something he cherished was now gone.

Xiao just wanted to remain with her until her final moments.

Before Xiao could completely doze off, he planted the well-crafted Qingxin crown on (Y/N)’s head, gently planting a kiss on her forehead, bidding his reluctant farewell.

“Goodnight, (Y/N).” He whispered to her for the last time, fulfilling her first request he hadn’t answered in the beginning. The lump in his throat was building up his regret, remembering how he promised to kill her so she would be put to rest and be free. He didn’t know how badly he wanted to go back in time and convince her to fight and live on.

He shut his eyes, not recognizing how hard it is to let go. He couldn’t envision the idea of her leaving him behind until now. After she had held onto his hand for so long, it seems that the last chapters of (Y/N)’s life has come to an end. The adepti pressed his forehead against (Y/N)’s, hoping that his words could somehow reach her. It was thanks to her, he was able to live like he was alive. He shut his eyes tightly, praying that somehow he could reach out to her again.

“...I’ll miss you dearly, my love.”

✦

-=+=-

Epilogue | Adeptus’ Retirement

(Y/N) had always known.

She knew that Xiao was a weapon of war.

When searching around remnants of fallen towns to take care of more children, some wandering travelers would tell rumors of the demon that would ruthlessly kill thousands. (Y/N) never paid any attention to it until she heard a tale of an evil archon utilizing him for his own selfish needs.

She thought to herself, “I will find a way to save him.” as she continued to roam and travel by on her own to find a way to free him. The week before (Y/N) had broken down in front of Xiao, she had already climbed up to the Foundation of Plaustrite once more, hearing that an archon of contracts would appear one fateful night.

When she did encounter that archon, she had first spoken to him like she was talking to an ordinary human. The archon, Morax, had listened in on her story as she explained how Xiao was forced to commit these heinous acts of violence.

“He had helped me realize that I wanted to continue living. I came up here in hopes that I could find this God of Contracts and tell him my wish.” She said with a brave heart.

Rex Lapis listened intently in his human form. This would benefit all of Liyue if he could save the young demon from the evil archon.

“I wish that he could be as free as a crane. I wish for him to find something worthy to protect. I wish for him to be proud of a name that he can tell others.” (Y/N) prayed while looking at the moon with the archon next to her.

“What name did you give him?” The god inquired.

She smiled, “Xiao.” while looking down at her feet. She knew that it had a few different meanings like “demon”, but she could only see the name to be fitting for someone heavenly.

The archon crossed his arms, knowing that this human girl was going to be the one to change history.

“It’s a deal.”

✦

She was sent into a dream realm. Her body seemed to feel lighter than ever, and she could only see a field of pure white flowers that blossomed on its own. In the distance, she could see the young adepti, laying peacefully in the field. (Y/N) had laid down on the grass right next to the dreaming demon.

Her time was about to come.

In order for her contract to be fulfilled, she must give up her life.

(Y/N) held Xiao’s hand tightly.

It was a wish she knew was worth protecting.

“I want you to be free. I want you to feel human. I want you to feel loved.”

The girl didn’t know death could be so alleviating. The other side was now beyond her reach, and she could slowly feel herself falling asleep. Even so, she continued to talk to Xiao like he was awake. A part of her hoped that she was somehow connected to Xiao in her dream.

She talked about the special almond tofu that she was supposed to be preparing and she had crafted a Qingxin crown while she rambled on. To her surprise, she felt a hand grab her arm. Turning around, she made eye contact with the young man who she thought was resting.

“Please...” He muttered in his sleep, turning over to come closer to the girl.

(Y/N) was taken aback, but then had smiled wistfully. Maybe she did have one more thing to do before she left this world to meet death. Without thinking, she had carefully tucked her Qingxin crown into the side of Xiao’s pocket.

“As proof that I was here... I’ll give this to you.”

She hovered over the resting man and had laid on top of him with a gentle hug.

If she could go back in time and relive every moment with him, she would.

...

She woke up.

That’s when she saw Xiao in front of her at the raid of her home. Well, what was left of their home. She knew that there was an attack launched when she was unconscious in the dream realm. Morax had informed her that the evil archon would order the bandits to come to kill the rest of her family at the ruins they lived in. It was also a consequence that the contract came with.

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

(Y/N) wanted to be selfish again.

“Welcome home.”

✦

When Xiao woke up, he no longer felt a presence next to him. Wondering what could have happened, he knew that he shouldn’t ask any more questions. Instead, he opened up the notebook that (Y/N) had left behind for him. With the Qingxin bookmarker, he had flipped open the book to read what (Y/N) left behind for him.

At that moment, he could no longer hold back the flow of tears.

After reading the truth.

After reading the contract.

After reading her sacrifice.

Xiao let out a blood-curdling scream.

Never in his life had he ever heard his voice come out of his throat like that. Never had he ever thought that (Y/N) would be so important to him. He couldn’t help kneeling down on the floor of the shrine and curling up while holding the notebook to his chest.

After everything she’s done for him, he couldn’t let it all go in vain.

“I’ll fight. I’ll fight again. I’ll fight and make sure I grant your wish, (Y/N). I’ll do anything if it means that you can see me from wherever you are!”

Xiao missed her.

He missed her so much.

He missed (Y/N).

✦

Xiao fought. He no longer served under the evil archon and had pledged his allegiance to Rex Lapis. There was a long period of time, peace for Liyue, the type of peace that (Y/N) had wished for.

The guardian yaksha had sat on the Foundation of Plaustrite once again as he looked off and into the sunset. A thousand years had passed since (Y/N)’s passing. War never ended fast like how he hoped it would, but he continued to hold onto the feelings he had for (Y/N) until the very end.

The yaksha was now around two thousand years old. Although he distanced himself from the mortals he swore to protect, his memories were far from faded from the day he had serendipitously encountered the ethereal angel, (Y/N).

Between adepti and humans, he knew that relations between them were very possible. He couldn’t forget (Y/N)’s scent. As he sat on the stone slab, he could almost feel (Y/N)’s soul. It was almost like she was leaning her head on his shoulder again.

He placed the Qingxin flowers he had collected from the highest points of Liyue and rested them beside him. The atmosphere felt a little bit nostalgic as he watched the sun go down.

Xiao had peered at the little desk of books that were piled on each other over the years that had passed. With careful eyes, he picked up the worn out notebook that (Y/N) had left behind for him. Every time he felt like he was losing himself, he would flee to this floating sanctuary that he once met (Y/N) at.

He felt the cover of the book, not realizing how much time had passed as he continued to live on as a proud yaksha.

Slowly, he turned the book cover open and began reading the pages again.

“Dear Xiao...

Did you like the gift I gave you? I wasn’t sure what to do when I first heard that you were being enslaved by a cruel archon. I did everything in my power to make sure that I could somehow make my wish for you a reality.

Rex Lapis was a compassionate archon I never thought I would meet. He listened to my tale and had decided to make a contract with me so you could be set free. At that moment, I knew that it was going to cost the lives of our entire family and I.

I’m sorry.

I knew that if I had told you my plans, you would do everything within your power to stop it.

It’s funny how I wanted to die so badly.

The day that we both met was a very fortunate day.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

You were my reason.

So with that, I hope that you’ll feel as free as a crane. I hope that you’re living to protect something important again. I hope that you’re opening up to humans more and face them with no hostility. Even when you’re around children, I find it adorable that you had somehow kept a soft spot for them. I hope that you’re doing well and living the rest of your days with peace.

Maybe one day we can meet again.

And if we do meet again...

I hope you’ll fall for me one more time.

Love, (Y/N).”

The man had sighed to himself, closing the book and resting it in his lap. A part of him wanted to thank the evil archon for telling him to love. He knew that the archon wanted to use Xiao’s resentment to multiply his power during the war, but it didn’t turn out how he thought it would.

The moon began to rise in the night sky. Out far in the distance, he could see all of the floating lanterns from where he rested. Xiao knew that the beginning of the lantern festival had begun. The guardian yaksha was grateful to be the only one to know why the festival was hosted on this very day.

It was in memory of (Y/N).

The floating lanterns glowed from afar, making Xiao slowly smile to himself. If what (Y/N) said in her writings were true, then he would gladly await the day he would meet her again.

With a new age of Liyue and with no calamity threatening Teyvat, Xiao was able to sit back and relax as he watched the lanterns float in the sky.

This was the beginning of an Adeptus’ retirement.

-=+=-

AN: My god. This took about three full days for me to write. I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this. I spent so much time thinking, writing, and crying over this idea for Xiao for the longest time. I’m so glad that I was able to tell myself to post this, ignoring the fear that no one would like it at all. With the new year that’s about to come, I can’t wait to see experience and see the next chapter of my life could be. Thank you for reading this. I wish you to stay safe and hope that you’ve enjoyed this piece of writing I have left to give. You don’t have to like or reblog the post, but if you really feel like this had resonated in you, I would deeply appreciate it if you could like or reblog it. I want other people who love Xiao to read this if they could. It would mean a lot to me. Again, thank you for reading up to this point, and I wish you a happy new year.

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