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#I mean. I saw it coming sorta but the end of their relationship is perhaps one of the saddest moments
eternalblqze · 7 months
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perfection.
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synopsis: in which, he ponders on the idea of the perfect embrace.
pairing: blade x gn!reader
tags: established relationship. fluff. mostly in blade’s pov. not proofread.
note: i love him SO much but i fear i did not do him enough justice UGHGHHG anyways first post (sorta) lets go
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There was certainly no such thing as "perfect" in this world.
One couldn't say things were without flaws, because there would always be something wrong.
Perfection was only an illusion. A concept based purely on unattainable desires and lies to give someone a sense of fulfillment. It simply does not exist.
Blade knew this. He believed in it. Not even he considered death the perfect end. If anything, it was merely...relief of the suffering he's endured for centuries. But it did not mean it was perfect. In truth, it was far from it—he craved the sweet solace of death, but it could never be what he’d consider a satisfying end. 
No, he lost that privilege when he began to endure the constant cycle of agony and death, each rebirth chipping away at his sanity and eroding his memories. Even as he chases death, life is quick to follow, following him like an obnoxious shadow. They say one should live their life to the fullest, but this life was not one he could claim to be proud of, and it never would be.
At least, that is what he believed until he met you. 
He couldn’t fathom the idea of someone loving him. He, who has become nothing but a weapon, forged in the flames of never-ending life and from the ashes of disaster. He has lived for centuries, wielding a blade that was just as broken as his immortal spirit.
Not once did he ever imagine he’d find an emotion as foreign as love to get a grasp on him.
Each and every time he saw you, he swore he could feel his heart grow tight in his chest. And, for once, he had no desire to die. Where he previously longed for his breath to cease, he finds himself craving you—for you have become his oxygen. You, the fresh air that cleansed the darkest recesses of his shattered mind, penetrating the density of the chaos that rages on behind his crimson eyes.
Your touch was rejuvenating, a sweet relief to his aching soul. Time and time again, he finds himself craving your presence time and time again; yearning for the way you wrap your arms around him, connecting with him in ways he never knew were possible.
He had never believed in perfection, but he was beginning to think he was mistaken. You were perfect to him in every way, so perfect that he began to wonder; how did someone as damaged and imperfect as him come to deserve you?
As time passed by, he began to unravel the mystery that was you—and came to realize that perhaps you are not as perfect as he once thought. You had your own flaws, your own troubles and your own weaknesses. And that drew him in even further, eager to solve the intricate network of individual threads that you were composed of.
He wondered if you felt the same way. With your presence in his life, he was confronted with questions he had never considered before. Thoughts and habits that were unheard of for the cold and merciless Stellaron Hunter surged into his mind, plaguing his thoughts. Perhaps he would go as far as to say it bothered him more than the mara did, even as it continued to ravage his senses.
When you’d comment on how beautiful he looked; and how you loved his ruby eyes, he caught himself looking upon his reflection more often. He fails to see what you see in them. He never gave them much thought—the deep colour of his irises were a reflection of his strength and ambitions, but also his lust for revenge and blood of those he had eradicated from the face of this world. And yet, you loved him all the same.
He was not a man of many words. Verbal affirmations from him were a rare occurrence—it’s difficult to put his thoughts into words, to manifest his love for you into sentences that would touch your heart. Oftentimes, he resorted to showing it through his actions, with the way he encases you in his arms in a tranquil silence.
Neither you nor he were perfect, yet he desired nothing but perfection for you. It is what you deserved, after all. For someone who did not believe in perfection, it certainly occupied most of his thoughts…how troublesome.
Now…it was only a mere idea at first. An arbitrary thought that would come to pass, as all thoughts did in his chaotic headspace. 
What would be considered a perfect embrace? A perfect touch, a perfect…expression of intimacy.
Would it be soft and tender? Would it be firm? Would it elicit an immense feeling of joy? Tranquility? Comfort? A sense of security? Your touch was always one he’d crave, but it made him wonder if his embrace was enough for you. 
Even as you hold him now, his head resting on your chest—listening to the soft and steady rhythm of your heartbeat; he wondered if you felt the same way when he held you. The way you made his heart rate quicken in his chest, and the way that your presence alone was capable of cleansing the darkened clouds of his mind.
Perhaps this was the perfect embrace. 
Or can anything truly be considered “perfect”? What even was perfect, anyways? 
Maybe…there would never be a definitive answer, for people had different ideas and experiences. Something perfect to him could be flawed for another.
He closes his eyes, burying himself into the comforting scent of you that he has grown to adore.
…Well, perfect or not, he knew one thing for certain—his favourite embraces would always be ones shared with you.
And that was perfect enough for him.
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reblogs with comments are appreciated :>
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Hell why not I’ll roll again: shrios sorry brainrot + Only Poppies Grow Where I Last Saw You
Contemplating this as Halcyon plays, clearly this is supposed to be the angst mines, right?
... anyway this immediately puts me in the mind of my like - one of my little monkey's paw 'Thane Lives' scenarios for post ME3 - man's alive and well, but Adrian's.
Officially. MIA.
Realistically, presumed dead by virtually everyone except like a third of current/former Normandy crew, and Thane is... well, both channeling his grief and doing what he can to confirm things one way or another; he's on Earth, aiding the search for bodies, and perhaps, survivors. The blast from the Catalyst has severely fucked most tech, so it's a long, tricky job. Heartbreaking - but occasionally, almost miraculous, it can be like seeing the dead come back to life.
And yet he does not - cannot - believe the reports from a seaside camp, that they found Commander Shepard washed in with the tide.
That's what the dogtags say, anyway; and while lab tests against prior samples are a bust due to records getting scrambled, they do have both elder Shepards present to test DNA against, and it is a match. And - look, a full on clone couldn't fool Thane, he knows it's her.
Which, great! Cause that makes one of them!
Yeah, while there's a little bit of patchy recall - she recognizes her parents and Joker fairly ok & feels some empty recognition towards her crewmates- it's very quickly apparent that Adrian's lost most of her memory prior to like, her very early 20s. So, you know, very fun times for everyone involved, particularly the guy who's already been half mourning and trying not to totally lose himself in what memories were there - now she's there, but sees him as little more than a stranger. 🙃
And beyond that - the general consensus is, well, try to fix that, right? But there's a few members of the crew (Joker, Ashley & Tali, probably) who are hesitant - and Thane is trying to figure out how to articulate that forcing Adrian to remember would be straight up cruel, and yes it's painful but gods be damned, he loves her and knows what it's like to keep reliving the worst day of your life, if Shepard can finally have some peace, then let her.
Shepard, meanwhile, is like. Mostly focused on physically recovering and re-learning how to walk after having about half her body rebuilt again, and doesn't have any helpful answers regarding the mental part of her recovery. On the one hand: clearly she is Someone Important, these people hanging around seem to Mean Something, and even if she can't remember why... there's that hollow little ache every time she sees them, like taking a step without realizing you're going over an edge (to badly quote lemony snicket lol).
On the other: the bits she's picked up of Shepard's life sound like way more of a burden than she wants to bear. So, she politely yet firmly asks everyone to fuck the hell off for a little while and let her breathe for a few.
It could just end there...
but I'm a sucker lol. The setup lets Thane still be around as Adrian’s recovering, and as she has some time to just. Fucking rest for once without a bajillion nightmares, she decides... yeah, if things return naturally, fine, she'll take it. But if Shepard’s life was half as fucked up as it feels, just learning them as facts without the experience recall, she'd rather let that go.
That doesn't mean she's necessarily letting the people go, though; it becomes a sorta slice of life/recovery fic, Adrian slowly re-learning about the people in her life and how those relationships might or might not change -
But also a strange, sweet little journey with Thane. He remembers plenty of course, and tries to keep his distance at first because yeah he's alright at looking calm but internally his emotions are a wreck... but it's almost like the first time, quick talks that stretch a little longer, not-at-all subtle looks (Adrian may not recall much, but her tastes haven't changed & she's still weak for dark eyes and a cool coat lol); support when some things do start coming back - Akuze does return, a few scattered pieces through the first battle of the Citadel, some elements of Virmire - but relatively muted, compared to how they affected her before.
She never does remember their first courtship, but she likes spending time with Thane after all, especially once she's cleared to start getting some time outside - he's sweet, good to talk to, and she did very much appreciate that he seemed willing from the start to accept if she didn’t want to focus on recovering things. Idk man just increasing Soft moments, and yes it hurts Thane, knowing the Shepard who awoke him is essentially dead... but he's coming at it this time with a different perspective too, no longer expecting to die any time between now and next Tuesday, y’know? It's not like he's quite exactly the same man Shepard left on the Citadel.
So it's different - but maybe a bit of a gift, getting to fall in love all over again and dream of a future together from the very start.
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dulcewrites · 1 year
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Considering Aemond is characterized as dutiful, perhaps religious, in the show, contrary to how he's portrayed in the books, how do you think the show runners will approach his relationship with Alys? Like, in the books he's more envious of the privileges Rhaenyra's kids have despite being unlegitimate, whereas in the show we can add to that the Faith's idea that bastards are evil, treacherous, whatever. So there's that. (And she even is RELATED to Lucerys, the kid he killed by accident. Something I liked but even if it was justified in his mind for his eye it was sorta underhanded, and his first kill, so I suppose it will affect him in some major way) (also not implying Alys cares about any Strong or alleged Strong at all, but I doubt this wouldn't cross his mind) Anyway, how will that even go? He's betrothed, he's dutiful (in a certain fucked up way), he's losing the Riverlands, he shouldn't fuck things up with the Baratheons, it'd offend then (in the books they were irrelevant in the long game lmao because Borros was such a shitty coward). She's a witch, a true bastard, doing base work. A romance sparkling? A babe? The level of respect he seems to show her, by the end? That seems too far fetched. They'd have to make Aemond spirall, or develop Alys really well (and even then it might be inconsistent) especially considering the screentime. They're will be many more important characters (Black allies) appearing in season 2, and Aegon, Jace, Baela, Mysaria will have more focus now. I just don't see how it could happen without it kinda sucking and either going oh he's forsaking it all or oh she's bewitched him. Because, again, screentime.
I will say, I feel like I might have said this before in the tags of something, but while I do think Aemond does take on the responsibility of following his mother’s orders. I don’t think his dutifulness is necessary natural if that makes sense. We see spurts of Aemond doing things he probably shouldn’t: going into the dragon pit in ep 6, going to claim Vhagar (which of course worked out by he always could’ve like… eaten or something lol), and the three strong boys speech right after seeing vaemond being beheaded for saying the obvious.
Also I think it is not hard for Aemond to look like the “good” child when he is mirrored against Aegon, the “bad” child. And Helaena, through no fault on her own or even Alicent’s most of the time, has a strained relationship with her mom. Then of course we don’t know how daeron is with them. We can assume by stuff in the book that he is well loved by everyone and his family. But he is not around at the moment. So yeah Aemond may have a special relationship with his mom but like… special to a fault.
I personally think based on how they set up the bastard situation for Aemond in s1, on top of some things ewan has said about characterization, I could see it being an actual love story. Not a love story without some strife ofc, but love nonetheless. To me much of Aemond (show Aemond’s) ire for Rhaenyra’s kids comes from how everything has spiraled for him mom, and of course his eye. Now I don’t think he is pro bastards (as a whole) by any means but considering the bastards he knows up until alys, I get why. To me they have painted it so far as less of a “these bastards have my or my brother’s birthright.” And more “these bastard (and their mom) put me and family through shit”. If anything we saw more of that energy towards his relationship with Aegon than the strongs. I think them having Aegon play a part in the bullying about the dragon was central to that.
Just bc he shouldn’t fuck things up… doesn’t mean he won’t. I think Alicent and Aemond are good parallels to each other. They are people who can take a lot on the chin, till they can’t. By the time alys and Aemond meet each other, this is what has happened in Aemond’s life
- he killed a kid (by accident in this context)
- that in a roundabout (daemon is a pos) way leads to his Nephew being killed and his sister going into a deep depression
-who knows how his relationship with will be with family
- his brother/brother’s dragon gets injured, he is asked to step in his place
Now I think all of these things mean he is not gonna be in the most… normal headspace. I think some paranoia about daemon is gonna seep in. Hence why I see them continuing with his attack on harrenhal. Ewan made some really interesting comments about unconditional love, and feeling out of place in his family at times. Idk just the overall tone gives off “but he WILL meet someone who gets that” vibes. It will change him. The same way getting Vhagar changed him.
This is so long winded I’m sorry. But as for how will they go about it. I personally like the idea of Aemond, insert quote ewan said about Aemond seeing enough, first being interested alys/sparing her bc he wants to know how he will die. Alys, thinking she is scaring him, tells him about battle above god’s eye. It all goes from there.
I don’t think much is far fetched with this show. They have shown they can give adequate time to things so we will just have to wait and see. Also I think just based on s1 it is safe to say the writers are intrigued by Aemond as a character. He will get his, and in turn so will alys 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️
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leonaluv · 1 year
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I saw that celebrity readings were open. Can you please do a reading on Leonardo DiCaprio and Camila Morrone's relationship
Here it is 💌
Queen of wands and Page of wands have some sort of family relationship or another woman involved. Yet she would have known about the other woman. The way they are connected in this reading can be hers too. Nine of wands and king of pentacles. 3 diamonds also came out, so he felt sorta guarded in this relationship. A relationship where it felt like I was shown and told.  Camila did feel very confident and the desire for a relationship was still there for her. It may have been more intense. She felt that she was confident but at times she may have felt out of place.
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Camila felt introverted at times and wanted to portray herself as the queen of wands. ( In reality, she was the page of wands ) . The wand is this fiery card and has that strong charisma ( Just like the westerners, for celebs, you will see them act more invincible, and have just that strong personality.) 
For her, when she is around Leonardo's friends, that side of the youthful page of wands comes out on how Camila isn't so sure of how to express what she is passionate about or her personality. 
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They would talk about how they want to be big on a large scale, investments, and, for her, she just thought of how many followers she just gained on social media. ( I don't mean to put it down in this way, it's just an example I can give on the page of wands that have youthful energy ) 
In a way that could have developed feelings in a way of just being spiritually aligned with each other. That's why it would be easy for him to show off and he wanted to raise her. ( Make her feel like a queen)  They did have a love for each other, some sort of fantasy that in this relationship was fulfilled.  A young person may have spoken out about her and said how Leonardo used his influence to get her job. That was something that was an obstacle, but she would have that opportunity anyway with her star power. 
( The Curator Deck and Prisma Vision tarot deck )
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This was something that was a business relationship or perhaps they met at work. I'm not sure but the fool came out to Leonardo before and he may have been introduced to her through a friend. He was ready for something new toward the end of the relationship. She may expect to get out of a relationship with a family. She got another love offer that would help her type feel that full queen of wands energy.  In a relationship, she may have been over her head, but through this relationship, she learns what she wants in love and how to express her feelings better.  
Overall, they just had feelings of just where they were in love and then out of love. ( Hot and Cold)
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Headcanons: "The Host"
Masterlist
Word Count: 1500+
Summary: What being in a relationship with William Riker is like through the events of "The Host."
A/N: I am sorry, I do not understand a whole lot on how the Trill work despite reading Memory Alpha and watching some YT videos on them. So I am proceeding with the idea that because Riker only played host for 48 hours and not the 93 it takes for a Symbiont to fully integrate - and was human - Will and Odan were not able to join and is why they could separate without killing each other.
It is all Hurt/Comfort and Angst. I had a lot of thoughts and just sorta let 'em go.
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- - -
To say the whole ordeal had been unpleasant for everyone involved would be an understatement.
-
Odan is forced into a body that will not permit him to join. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant, but aid is on the way and the mission must continue. He will endure it
Unable to properly join with the host, the body does not always react the way Odan expects it to. He will try to reach out to comfort Beverly, only to find his hand resisting. It is frustrating, but only more so when Beverly rejects his advances.
So he focuses on the mission. At least he and his host can agree on that.
The mission is successful and he joins with his new host, but Beverly can't come to terms with it. Things end as amicably as they can.
-
Beverly was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact Odan was more than what he said he was. She knew she was in love with him; and in that moment all she saw was saving the life of the man she loved. She wasn't considering anything else.
Yet afterword's Beverly was beyond conflicted. She looked at Odan now and only saw Will, a man she only considered a close friend. More importantly to her than that, you and Beverly were friends and she knew you loved Will.
She tried not to think about what would happen if Odan was stuck as Will. What it would mean for the friendship you and her had, and if she could still love Odan after all that.
After Odan is joined with his new host, it becomes very clear to Beverly that she is unable to still love him. Although sad, she is grateful for the time that they had.
Beverly is a little awkward around you for a little while. Eventually she is able to talk to you and things turn out just fine.
-
Picard is not a captain who likes to get involved in the personal lives of his crew, it is duty first and always for him. Yet this is a case where he has little choice. On one hand he has his long-time friend Beverly Crusher who has a chance at love again if she can keep Odan alive. Yet doing so is killing his First Officer, a man Picard can not stand to lose. He also knows about You and your relationship with William Riker. Picard tries not to think about what it would mean for you to lose Will.
Picard orders you to have no contact with Riker throughout the ordeal. Deanna advises that it is for the best - it is not Will at the moment, but Odan.
Deanna too couldn't help but worry, especially as she is more aware of the emotional turmoil around her. She tries to help Beverly come to terms with the fact just because Odan is in another body, it doesn't mean he isn't the same. It is hard for Deanna in a way, trying to convince Beverly to still love Odan despite him being in Will's body - all the while knowing that Will loved someone else.
Then too it is difficult for her to convince you that everything will turn out alright in the end. That your Will is still there, only suppressed into his own mind. Perhaps needlessly trying to assure you that while it looked like Will, it was Odan confessing love for someone else.
As Odan and Riker's condition deteriorates, Picard can only watch and wait to see if there is any salvaging the situation. He is greatly relieved when the situation ends relatively favorably. Picard is free to wash his hands of the situation and leave it to the counselors.
-
Will had offered himself without second thought. He felt responsible in a way for the shuttlecraft accident - he had been the pilot, Will also knew had important the mission is to both Odan and the Federation.
To Riker is was simple: He'd play host for a couple days and everything would go back to normal after the replacement body arrived.
To a degree Will was angry with Odan. Had the Trill been more open about his nature then maybe he and Will wouldn't have wasted precious seconds arguing on whether or not to have attempted beaming back. If Will had known just what he stood to lose if a replacement host had not arrived in time, he might not have offered at all.
He has no control over what is happening with his body, can only watch the events unfold. He can still think to himself and it doesn't seem to interfere with Odan. He isn't aware that at times he still has enough control to force Odan to resist.
Will wants to see you the moment he and Odan are separated and he is discharged. He knew you came to visit him, had seen your reaction to what had become of him. He was desperate to check on you - he needed to apologize.
-
Just because you are dating a senior officer, does not mean you are privy to every decision on the ship. This is a fact made very clear to you when Picard informs you of the situation while Riker is in surgery. Will had made his decision, and it was not like he needed your permission.
You can't help but feel insulted, even more so after you are ordered to continue your duties and to not have contact with Riker until everything is over. No real thought seemed to be given for how you felt about thing.
You do as ordered and try not to think about it; focusing on smaller tasks and projects you had been given. It worked for a time, until you overheard discussion on how ill the First Officer looked. You can't help yourself and you go to see him.
You wished you hadn't. While it looked like a very ill William Riker, you could tell with one look that it was another person entirely. There was no little spark in his blue eyes when you looked at each other. You are certain Will was gone in that moment.
Odan apologizes, he had learned some about you from Will's consciousness. It was very awkward for both of you. You too apologize before retreating.
Deanna can sense your upset and comes to comfort you. For the first time it seems like someone actually cares about how you feel. You do your best to accept what Deanna tells you; you wanted to believe she would be right.
Once everything is over, you feel like you are able to breath again. Of course you feel sorry for Dr. Crusher, but you can't force someone to be attracted to someone they are not.
-
Will comms you to request you join him in his quarters once you are off duty. While you want nothing more than to see him, you find yourself hesitant. Perhaps afraid to find him in the same state as last time.
It is late when you finally get the courage to go see Will. He is quick to answer the door when you request entry. Delight and relief clear on his face as he waste little time in embracing you and dragging you into his quarters.
You can not contain your tears at seeing that the man holding you so tightly really was William Riker. Hearing your cries, Will pulls back a little and moves to cradle your face in his hands - brushing your tears away.
Will leads you over to the couch so you both can sit and talk over everything. He gives you some space, but always keeping a hand on you - either against you back or holding a hand.
You've calmed down a little now, and you being to explain your side of things. You start off by telling him that you understand why he did it. You know Will to be an honorable man and he was duty-bound to see the mission though. But you could not let go of the idea that Will hadn't even considered your feelings. You didn't even know that anything was happening until you were called to Picard's Ready Room.
You have to pause to calm yourself again, having started to raise your voice and grow agitated. Will started to say something, to move closer, but you silenced him with a hand before continuing.
You told Will how you had been ordered to stay away, but how you had defied those orders when you learned how sick he was. Choking back tears as you recounted just how empty he looked when you saw him and your awkward interaction with Odan.
You told Will that, in that moment, you thought he was gone.
Will can't stand it at this point and reached out once more to pull you close. He listens as you sob onto his shoulder and takes a moment to find his words. He was in tears himself at this point; to know that you still thought so highly of him despite the hell he had dragged you into.
Will apologizes the best he can, but it is really just words. The damage has already been done, and now it was time to reconcile and move on. He promises to be more considerate in the future.
He loves you and is sorry, and that is enough for you.
You stay in his quarters that night; you needed Will in that moment and Will wanted to make up for lost time.
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happy birthday, @irrlicht-ghostfront ❤️ i love you, and i'm judging you for this being your prompt, but i love you some more, so here <33 (warnings: car accident) [NO MCD]
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Blink and a miss — accident — wrecked car, and fleeting on the painful side of barely conscious in a pool of his own blood. There was too much of it anyway. Castiel felt dizzy more than he felt the pain as time, almost tangibly, passed on.
There's no way he was going to live.
(It was supposed to end old — fingers crossed for painless. Featuring inevitably beeping monitors, and time to come up with last words. A goodbye to his family.
Not that he had much of one right now — he isn't sure if he can call Dean's family his, yet; Dean seems to insist on it but then he's always been a pioneer in giving Castiel more than he could ever deserve, starting with his own heart, so Castiel can't tell — but he'd finally started to have intentions to, in the future.
A dog, for Dean.
Children.
Intentions to beg his brother to come back, and not give up until he'd gotten his forgiveness and his only remaining family back. But that — well, it was a different alley than Castiel's thoughts swarmed to right now. And swarm they did, his head throbbing, and life thudding at its gates.
Castiel had also intended to marry Dean, misty-eyed and denying it. Intended to figure out flower arrangements, and guest seating. Intended to kiss him at the end of the aisle, with his hands cupping Dean's face, and Dean's around his waist.
Then, move out from their shared apartment into a house.
Yellow wallpapered bedroom.
Treasure, and keep Dean happy forever.
Fuck.)
His breathing is still ragged, and his head feels too empty, but the heaving has lessened. Probably the blood loss. Less pain, more haze. And the resultant thoughtlessness is perhaps the only thing that sparks the courage in him to do what he does next.
Castiel picks up his phone.
(A struggle, but he's determined.)
If he's dying, and he'll never get to live the life he'd finally started to dream of — never have a life to share with Dean, never get to see Dean again, then he'll take what he can get.
He's allowed this, he tells himself. Allowed to be selfish, one last time.
He's on his deathbed after all.
It's outstandingly painful to bend his neck enough to see he's picked the right number — but the mere idea of accidentally calling an acquaintance at a time like this brings a tensed sliver of life into his muscles, and straining, he looks. Right enough, he's got 'Dean :)' on the screen.
Pressing dial, he lets his head fall back on the seat, wincing again. Maybe that'll relent the floatiness, if his body circulates some goddamn blood into his brain — because he needs this.
He's dying, but he needs this. One last time, he needs Dean.
A thumb swipes the familiarly placed 'on speaker' button — he can't bring the phone to his ear right now. He's going to have to risk Dean hearing the still crackling ruins of the poor engine, strewn across the wreck in smoldering pieces.
He must make quite a sight, he thinks, waiting for the call to go through. Man found in car wreckage, trapped by the door, dead within —
"Cas?"
Dean's voice cuts through Castiel's morbid mental news report, and almost reflexively, he closes his eyes. There's a tangible relief in his head when he does it, and god, Castiel must've been doing worse than he's convinced himself he is.
Dean sounds beautiful as always, and so familiar its like home.
It's the last time he ever gets to have this.
"Hello, Dean." Maybe he manages to not sound weird, or Dean's just not listening for clues. The loud racket behind him, at Bobby (and Dean's) automobile shop, helps as well.
"Hey." There's a smile in his voice now. Fuck. He's smiling. He's smiling, and he's smiling at Cas, and it's the last time Castiel ever gets to hear it.
He loses himself trying to remember the last time he saw Dean smile — earlier this morning, kissing him goodbye before he left — no, down from their balcony, accompanied by a gleeful wave because Dean's shift started a couple hours after Cas's day in the office did — no, when Castiel checked the time, and the Dean on his lockscreen grinned up at him — and he doesn't realize he's fallen silent until Dean's speaking again.
"Babe, you okay?"
There's a tinge of worry. Only a smidge, and it still hurts. The last time Castiel hears Dean can't be laced with anything bad. And it can't be Castiel's fault.
There's a pause. "Cas, what's up?"
Castiel doesn't know what to say so he tries to hold on to the phone tighter, his throat fluttering as a tear rolls down his face.
"Wait," The worry dissipates, apology slipping in. "Am I forgetting something? Did we make plans for lunch, 'cause Bobby and —"
"N-no." Cas struggles, and it's getting harder to not pant. He sounds too breathy anyway. "We don't. Didn't."
He forces a smile into his voice while saying it. As if it doesn't break him that he'll never get to see Dean again. But he needs to smile, doesn't he? One last time. Just for Dean.
"Well, do you want to?" Dean sounds cheerful. Normal.
Perfect.
Castiel doesn't want to die.
"Not, today." He half-heaves, and another tear rolls down his face.
Not today.
(If he'd known, he'd have stared to his heart's fill this morning. Kissed him an hour longer. Held him in his sleep. Oh, if he had had any foresight at all.)
"Dickface-atron keeping ya busy?"
Castiel lets the air stuck in his chest out, and it probably makes up for a small chuckle. He doesn't want to lie, he just won't agree.
"Figures."
"Sorry." Castiel tells him, meaning it entirely.
"Nah, s'good. I love you." Dean adds, clearly smiling wider, because they've only recently added that to their vernacular instead of the pedestal it'd been on for the first eight months of their friendship turning into a relationship. Somehow, it feels grander though — or, that might also be because it's the last time Castiel ever gets to hear Dean say it to him.
Oh, he loves him so much.
(He doesn't want to die.)
"And I have my packed lunch anyway." Dean continues, filling the gap thankfully. Machines blare in his background and he braves on like a man used to not being able to hear his own words due to the racket. Castiel is grateful for it. He hangs onto every word, drinks it in. Makes himself hold on. "Pretty sure you'd kick me to the curb if I let a PBJ go to waste."
"Jelly?" Cas smiles, when he wants to sob. He's certain he sounds fainter too, he feels fainter, and it's a miracle it doesn't show.
The tears well up in his chest, for possibly the rest of time. Dead men don't cry, and Castiel can't.
(Can't be long now, can it?)
"Jelly." Dean confirms. "It's the curse of paying attention when you rant about jam, you know." He snickers. "I used to be normal."
"Yes, I'm very lucky."
Dean chuckles, and Castiel sighs.
He's yearned for Dean to be happy, tried to make him smile, longed to see him laugh, for so, so long it feels like a part of him now. And now, it goes back to Dean, without him.
Somebody else'll make him smile, somebody else will wake him up with a kiss on his temple, and somebody else will love Dean for exactly who he is because it's Dean, and there was never someone who deserved it more — so of course somebody will.
But it will never be him again.)
An untethered broken sound escapes his throat, and Cas winces, faking a cough with it.
That makes the blood gush.
"Oh, also — wait. Just a second." He interrupts himself, and probably covers the speaker with his palm before yelling blurrily to someone near him.
(Or perhaps it's not supposed to be blurry. Castiel wouldn't know. He can hardly make out his own breathing. It's a feat that he can make out the conversation, even if most of it is instinct memory, and all he's doing is holding onto Dean for as long as he can.
Somehow, it feels like he's been doing so forever. But the time left, had never been so little.)
When Dean returns, he sounds apologetically busy.
"Dude, that dick who yelled at Ash, remember? He's back. Garth went this time, 'cause douchebag brought a Sedan."
Castiel swallows again, and vaguely registers that it tastes like metal. Almost like there's blood mixed with saliva.
There's another morbid thought. What, in this wreck, is finally going to kill him?
"I should probably check on him. Garth sorta wears on you."
"Of course." He croaks, and slips — fuck, he slips — but for once, thank god for oversensitive customers and boyfriends with likeable personalities, because Dean's conversing off the phone again, his hand on the speaker.
"I'll call you back, babe." Dean comes back to add in a rush, and Cas sucks in a painful breath, slowly beginning to feel like the only thing keeping him conscious any more is the sensation of air in his lungs, in his mouth, in the back of his throat. "Still have to ask what you even called about, you know. Or maybe if you just missed me." He beams, he obviously beams, and Cas stifles a groan.
"I do." He wheezes. "I —"
"Me too." Dean returns, flirty, and Cas goes to add to it — because he has to, because he's not going to make it, he's not going to be able to hold on until Dean returns, and he has to — but there's a click.
Castiel stares at the screen, devastated.
(Or tries to, anyway.)
"I love you," He cries out, aware that the line's cut, but needing to hear himself say it anyway. Plus, his head feels too numb to keep words inside anymore. It's less a prison of thoughts, and more a canyon of loss.
More tears fall.
His heart is beating faster than it ever has.
"I love —" His voice trembles, tries again, and fails. His throat refuses to comply with the thousands of things there remain to be said, and the words slowly fade, neglected.
In more ways than one, it's like being administered anaesthesia before a surgery — Castiel was operated on for tonsils at age eleven, and he remembers it still — and it finally sinking in, and knocking you out, as the doctor says to count to ten, and you hardly graze six.
His hands clutch the phone tighter, neck rendering him incapable of looking anymore, so he has no idea what his thumbs are trying to type — but it doesn't matter, not really, because this is it. Completely alone, young, and desperately in love with Dean Winchester, Castiel closes his eyes for the very last time.
And everything fades to black.
*
When they find him, it's been at least four hours.
It's night.
The uniformed official stuck with the responsibility of calling the next of kin, Victor Henriksen, fishes out the wallet as the paramedics carry him into the ambulance and attach him to IV immediately, and steps away to dial his emergency contact with a crinkled brow of sympathy.
And as he waits for the guy, a Dean Winchester, to pick up, he can't help but notice that his number is exactly the same as the one the last text almost sent from the victim's phone had been typed to — clutched in his hand, an unnerving, 'I love'.
And well, he isn't particularly into romcoms, but he hopes the poor guy gets a chance to finish his sentence.
He was in pretty bad condition, Henriksen recalls, and the bloodloss had knocked him out for several hours, but he looked twenty five at most, more importantly healthy, and — he looks at the wallet again, and the picture of two men (one of them, the victim) smiling at the camera with their hands around each other — most importantly, seemed to have reasons to fight for.
(Plus, he'd been the one to call the accident in himself — albeit four hours after it happened, but Henriksen figured he'd been passed out for that long — so he had to want to live, right?)
"Hello. Dean Winchester, who's this?"
"Hello, sir, I'm Officer Henriksen, and I have you listed as Mr Castiel Novak's emergency..."
*
"You dick."
Castiel coughs, and gives up on squinting against the bright light. It's a LED. Like in hospitals.
"Jesus, Cas. You complete asshole, you —"
Castiel opens his eyes a sliver again. The walls do resemble a hospital. Plain, white tiled. Way too many AC vents. Is that something on his hand?
"So you'll open your goddamn eyes, and not even fucking look at me."
There's IV's on both his hands. And something stiff around his neck. Almost like a collar, but thicker. And when he breathes, his ribs start like they might hurt — but the pain is numbed as it registers. He must be running really high on painkillers; they never really worked for him.
"Fine. You don't gotta look at me." A pause. Then, more shaky. "I was so scared, Cas. So fucking terrified. They said they weren't sure, said it may be too late, and you were dying. And then they tell me the crash happened at three, and I feel like I'm going to have a fucking stroke."
His vision slowly unblurs, feeling returning to his fingers. He tries to fold them, and winces at the strain.
Immediately, there's a hand on his arm.
"Stop moving, dumbass. I'm going to kill you for this, you know. I am, but I need you to be okay first."
The words don't register, but the voice does.
(He sounds beautiful as always, and so familiar it's like home.)
"Hell, I just need you, Cas. Period. I need your ridiculous, stupid ass — and I need you to look at me when I'm begging you to be okay, and I need you to stay, with me, forever, and not call me first when you need a goddamn ambulance, you dumbass —"
"Hello, Dean." Castiel interrupts, a hoarse whisper, and he thinks he hears a sob from the general direction of the love of his life.
(He really can't move his neck — he's got to tell Dean that at some point if he's not understood already. It's the cast.)
"Oh, thank god." Dean cries, the words muffled by either him burying his face in his sleeve, or the lifesaving medications Castiel is alive on account of, but it's okay, right? Dean's here — and he's okay. It's fine.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm still going to kill you for this."
"Well, I'd deserve that." Castiel tries to joke, and almost pulls it off, except for the part where he can't see Dean's reaction until the latter lets out another broken sob, and grabs his hand. Castiel freezes, trying to squeeze back, tears welling up again. "I'm really sorry, Dean." Then, after a beat. "I'm going to make this up to you."
It feels like a strange thing to say, but it's exactly what he means.
"Yeah, you are. Although it can't stop my revenge being not texting you when I have a heart attack in aisle three when I'm eighty and you're buying eggs, but okay."
If Castiel could, he would've shaken his head at that.
(But at least, and this is what really matters — they made it. He's alive. He — he gets this.)
"I love you, you son of a bitch."
Castiel smiles slowly, a tear landing on his pillow. "I love you too."
391 notes · View notes
buckybansre · 3 years
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my baby | reiner braun
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warnings: angst (??) w/ happy ending, sorta fluffy at the end, hurt/comfort, references to alcohol.
pairings: reiner braun x fem!reader
word count: 3.2k
synopsis: reiner finally returns back home and all seems well. but is it actually?
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it has been months since you got to see reiner and maybe even years since you got to see him for more than a few days a time, you hadn't realised how much you missed him until you were shuffling through groups of people who waited for their family members, just to get to the front so you could see him as soon as he got off the train.
so much time has passed since he was given the armored titan and sent on a mission across the sea, you guys never really had the chance to have a concrete conversion about what happened on paradis, but it was obvious that reiner avoided the subject so you didn’t push on it too much.
you always got self conscious about if his feelings for you still remained when he’d disappear for weeks at a time, but your high hopes persisted for your relationship regardless as you waited behind the gate for reiner to come through.
with his mother, karina standing next to you, your heart felt like it could pound through your chest at any given second.
i wonder if he’s gotten bigger,
i wonder if he’s grown a beard by now,
i wonder-
“reiner!” you heard his mom yell from your side, which immediately snapped you from your thoughts.
“r...reiner?” you looked at him, he looked different but still the same old reiner nonetheless.
he’d grown so big, and had stubble growing across his cheeks. you never smiled so big when you saw someone.
fuck, you really missed him so much. your mind couldn't help but ponder off to the next time he’d be requested to leave for another mission. it broke your heart. he only had a few years left, and in your head, those years are yours. they belong to you, you both earned this.
is that selfish of me? you thought, chewing on your bottom lip.
no. you reassured yourself. i am not selfish.
“y/n? i missed you so fucking much, god.” he rushed over and wrapped his around your waist, engulfing you into his warmness. his familiar scent of cigarettes (you had zeke to thank for that) and cologne quickly filled your nostrils. you only hugged him tighter which caused him to chuckle.
you’d forgotten that you cut about three inches off of your hair until reiner commented on it.
“did you do something new to your hair?” he whispered, shutting his eyes as he hugged you tighter. “you’re so pretty.”
your cheeks grew with a fiery feeling as he released you from his grasp and laid his hand on your cheek, running his thumb across every feature of your face which caused you to laugh.
reiner greeted the rest of his family, keeping his arm around you the entire time.
“let’s go home,” you said after he finished greeting his family, taking his hand into yours and leading him back home. “you need to rest.”
reiner always assured you that when he got back from his big mission, he would come and live with you, and he upheld that deal. you guys were so young, and it seemed like only a silly reality. but now, it had become real.
once reiner initially arrived back from paradis, you two moved rather quickly to pick a home before he had to leave again to aid the warriors in another mission.
the house was perfect for the two of you, and a family as well, if you and reiner ever decided you wanted to take that step.
you, so badly wanted to take that step. but reiner on the other hand never spoke about it, so neither did you.
nevertheless, the house seemed so tiny, even tinier when you were there alone.
you always insisted on decorating the house whenever reiner came back. it was your ultimate goal to make him feel wanted and welcomed.
he needed that reassurance, and you were more than happy to provide it.
“so.. do ya’ like it? i know it’s small and…” you trailed off as you both made your way into the house, seeing a banner and a few balloons spread across the dining room.
“what? no, it’s great, baby. as long as i get to come back to you, everything is great.” he cracked a smile as he shut the door and pressed a quick kiss to your forehead.
“i can’t believe you still like me after all this time, or wanna be with me even. it’s crazy, really,”
the mutual crush between you and reiner began when you both were nine. reiner was training to be a warrior and you, well, you liked to watch.
you’d sneak to their practices and watch reiner do all of the drills and after, he’d confront you on your innocent stalking.
from then, the rest was history. you grew close with the other warriors, always having their favorite baked treats on hand when they had a hard day of training.
bertholdt was the one to make you confess your feelings to reiner once it was for certain that he was inheriting the amour titan and that they’d be traveling to paradis.
you missed bertholdt. so badly.
him, reiner, you and annie were inseparable. always being spotted together.
your heart broke badly when you found out they’d be inheriting titans, because from then, a timer would always be clocking down.
thirteen years.
“i only have a few years left, i don’t know who i’d rather spend it with,”
that.
that made your stomach churn in all different kinds of ways. he only had a few years left before he’d be gone forever.
you wished that he never got the armored titan, even back then you’d pray and pray that porco would get it instead of reiner.
selfishly of course.
“we never talked about this but, um, how were things… in paradis…?” you chewed on your bottom lip, your eyes carrying their gaze from the counter up to his eyes.
“interesting to say the least,” he sighed, shaking his head. “i’m going to go freshen up and then we can go to a bar, okay?”
“uh, yeah, about that, your family wants us over for dinner.” you looked at him and smiled slightly. “your mom made something for you and gabi,”
reiner and gabi’s relationship always made you smile. it’s what stemmed your wanting to have kids with reiner in the first place. he’d do anything for gabi.
“oh yeah, okay,” he nodded with a smile, kissing your head before walking into the bathroom to shower.
what the fuck does he mean by interesting? and what the hell happened on that island?
you brushed it off and walked into your bedroom and begun to brush your hair in order to flatten the stubborn flyaways that came up since you did your hair this morning.
reiner came out of the bathroom within a few minutes and had a towel wrapped around his waist, droplets of water still covering his torso.
your cheeks quickly heated up as you got up quickly, even though you’d been with reiner for years, and even seen him naked multiple times, you still got flustered at the sight of him.
“uh, i’m gonna go uh, help you mom prepare dinner,” you walked out of the room before he replied. “meet me there in ten.”
it always shocked you how it wasn’t awkward between you both and everything just went back to normal so quickly.
you hoped to be married to him soon, have a few children and live in this house with him until his years were over.
you hoped.
you grabbed your jacket and bag and began walking towards the braun house. reiner’s mom made sure that when you two picked a place, that it was close.
you knocked on the door twice before it was opened by a small brown haired girl with gleaming brown eyes.
“gabi!” you grinned and leaned down to hug her. “i heard about what you did, it’s very impressive,” your fingers smoothed her hair back as you looked down at her.
“y/n! thank you!” she giggled before taking your hand and leading you into the house. “where’s reiner?” she peaked behind you before squinting her eyebrows.
“oh he’s just getting dressed, he’s gonna meet me here,” you replied as you step into the dining room of the house. “i wanted to come a bit early and help.”
you started by placing the plates and utensils on the tables for all the guests, then you helped karina make a pitcher of tea and by then dinner was ready.
you all sat at the table as karina and reiner’s aunt placed the few dishes of food onto the table.
“where’s reiner y/n?” reiners uncle asked as he began to cut into his food.
you did the same and began cutting into your food, answering before taking a bite.
“i dunno, he said that we would meet me here,” you took a bite of food and swallowed. “perhaps he fell asleep or something? i’m sure he’ll be here soon.”
everyone at the table nodded and with that, gabi began retelling her story about what happened on the battle field.
she was an impressive warrior candidate, and that’s saying the least. but you didn’t want gabi to inherit the armored titan, because similarly to reiner, you didn’t want her to have a short life.
but gabi seemed so happy, and it sickened you to your stomach. marley is poisoning these kids to want to be tools of war. it made you even sicker how every eldian parent thought this was normal, not even normal, they thought it was a prize of some sort.
it wasn't.
as gabi kept talking, no one realized how much time was passing. by the time she was done telling her story, everyone was finished with their dishes and the pitcher of tea was empty.
“i don’t know why reiner didn’t show,” you said, shaking your head to yourself as you began to help gabi clear the plates off of the table.
it isn’t like him to skip out on family dinner the day he gets back.
“he’s probably just exhausted,” the small girl shrugged as you both headed towards the sink.
“i think you’re right,” you smiled down at her, ruffling her hair as the dishes made a clinking noise in the sink.
you put on your coat and grabbed your bag.
“i’ll let reiner know that you guys missed him,” you said to everyone, earning a mix of goodbyes before walking out of the house and onto the windy street.
your shoes clicked against the sidewalk as you walked the few minutes it took you to get back to your home.
god, these things were killing your feet.
“reiner!” you yelled as soon as got through the front door. “why the hell didn’t you come to dinner?”
you looked well throughout the house and he was nowhere to be found, he wasn’t at home.
well then, where hell was he?
“fuck, reiner.” you sighed and put back on your jacket before heading out of your house once again.
you suspected him to be at the bar since he mentioned it earlier. it was either that or a damn emergency happened and he was with the other warriors.
you hoped it was the second one. because why else would he pass up dinner with his family on his first night back?
it took about fifteen minutes for you to reach the bar nearest to your home. by the time you got there you were shivering and your feet and hands were freezing.
as you walked into the bar you were greeted by the workers, you nodded in their direction and gave them a small smile in reply.
your eyes glazed around the room for the tall blonde, it didn’t take long for you to spot him sitting on one of the stools at the bar, downing another glass of brown liquid before requesting another.
you walked over to him and placed your hand on his shoulder. “reiner,” you say sternly. “i’m glad you’re okay but why didn’t you sho-”
“y/n! my girls here, everyone!” he grinned as his words slurred, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and squeezing tightly.
he’s definitely had one too many.
a few other drunk people cheered and he smiled at you before pressing a wet kiss to your cheek.
gross, reiner. you cringed slightly at the feeling of his wet lips against your cheek.
“reiner,” your voice was soft as you gently moved yourself out of his grip and sat in the stool next to him, frowning slightly at this sight of him. “can i have a water with no ice, please?”
“what?” he asked with a chuckle as he began to pick up his next glass of brown liquid which you quickly took from him and replaced it with the water you asked for.
“you didn’t come to dinner. everyone was so excited to see you.” you sat the glass down on the counter, trailing your finger around the cold rim before you made eye contact with him, sighing softly as you gestured for him to take a sip of water.
“oh fuck me,” he chuckled deeply, pushing the water slightly to the side. “it would’ve just been depressing, all they wanna know is how my time on the island was. i would rather die than think about anything that happened on that island ever again,”
what?
he’s never said anything like that before. but then again, you guys never made time to properly talk about everything.
and now, you felt horrible because of that.
you didn’t know what your boyfriend was feeling, which seemed to be a lot. yet, you were left completely in the dark.
but, that’s your fault for not inquiring sooner.
you shook your head.
no.
but everything that you just thought was completely true.
your eyes widened and you felt like ten pounds of weights were suddenly attached to your heart. it hurt that he would even talk about himself like that.
your eyes grew slightly watery, as you looked at him. in this light, this sight of him looked so different, he looked… unhappy, maybe? you didn’t know.
he was ruff, so jagged with scratches placed across his chin, bags under his eyes, his hair stuck up in different directions and the stubble growing across his cheeks that looked so handsome to you earlier just added to the look.
he looked tired.
but tired of what?
“let’s go home,” you said softly gently taking his hand after placing some money on the counter to pay for whatever reiner had been drinking.
“you asked me about paradis earlier,” he started.
“reiner,”
this isn’t the time or place. why now reiner? god.
“no let me talk, y/n.” his eyes met yours, they were filled with hurt and anger. the water that clouded his eyes could pour out any second but it refused to even trickle slightly.
you let him talk, even if it was in the middle of a halfway busy bar and the pair of you were gaining looks by the minute.
“everything that happened on that island was so shit,” he chuckled sadly. “did you notice how i was when bertholdt didn’t come back? i couldn’t even save annie.”
“reiner, i…”
“bertholdt is dead and who the hell knows what’s happening to annie right now! i failed them y/n! bertholdt died because of me!” he yelled and a tear finally trickled from his eye.
you guys were gaining the attention of people by the second now.
“i doubt that’s true, reiner.” you clenched your jaw.
reiner recognized that as a lie, but you didn't.
“no it is true, i’m a monster, y/n! i killed so many people! i killed my comrades! they didn’t know any better!” he stood up and tears just kept coming from then.
a tear fell down your cheek and you wiped it quickly. “reiner, please just let’s go home we can talk about this there,” you took both of his tense fists into your small hands and your thumbs crossed over his calloused knuckles a few times.
“y’know… even since we were kids, i always thought you were the most beautiful girl i’d ever seen,” he whispered, now cupping your face and looking down at you.
“and that always kept me going but i don’t know if i…” his voice cracked and he finally noticed the immense hurt on your face.
his heart dropped. he thought he lost you. causing a stupid scene in the middle of a bar, what the hell was he thinking?
“please,” your voice still somehow remained soft, your lips even ever so slightly curving up into a smile. “let’s just go home, okay?”
he silently agreed, ushering you both out of the bar as the pair of you gained looks from the others in the bar.
the walk back home was silent, but he still persisted to hold your hand the whole way back home.
you unlocked the door and reiner went straight to the bedroom but you stopped in the kitchen to fill up a glass of water for him.
as you walked into the bedroom you saw reiner sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his lap.
you sat the glasser on the dress and walked over to him, rubbing his back as he wrapped his arms around your waist. unexpectedly, reiner began to quietly sob into your torso.
“you’re not a monster, okay? you were so young, you didn’t know any better. it’s not your fault.” you said quietly, kissing his head.
he brought you onto his lap and you wiped the last few tears that dropped.
“i’m sorry,” he whispered. “i wish i never inherited that stupid titan, i should’ve been here with you. i should be able to live a long life with the girl i love. i earned that much, right?”
a tear fell down your cheek, now knowing that you both shared the same regret of him inheriting the titan and learning the new information that he would’ve wanted to live a long life with you.
“yes, yes you did.”
you wrapped your arms around him tightly. “none of this is your fault, i promise. no one blames you, you were just a kid.”
he nodded in response, looking down at you.
“if anything it’s marley’s fault for putting such hard expectations on children.” you reassured him once again, pressing a longing kissing his temple.
he leaned down and pressed his lips to yours, his hands on your waist as he kissed you gently.
you kissed him back, draping your arms loosely around his neck. your stomach piled with butterflies as you felt reiner’s hands travel down your back before he pulled you closer.
your heart was heavy once again, but for a different reason.
you were in love. reiner was all that you yearned for, and he was yours. only yours.
you inhaled his scent indirectly, smiling against his lips as you felt so safe and warm within his arms, with his lips pressed to yours.
for once, you were optimistic about the future. because, well, everything felt so bright and perfect in that moment. you wished you could stop time in this moment and just replay this moment over and over again. you’d never get tired of it. and that way, reiner would never have to leave you again.
you sighed happily.
“i love you,” he whispered against your lips.
you rested your forehead against his and your eyes met his gleaming hazel pupils.
“and i love you, always,”
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please don’t translate, post (on other platforms) or rewrite my work. requests for one shots are always welcomed, pls send!! <3
love, pey !!
166 notes · View notes
emf005 · 3 years
Text
Like me for me III
Part 3 of 3 (Its finally here!)
I am so sorry for the wait! Hectic weekend! Here is the final part to Sirius and Y/N's adventure.
Warnings: Bullying, fluff, a bit angst(The bullying and all), Sirius being a sweet heart(Nothing new)
Please tell me is I missed anything!!
I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know in the comments
Xx
He watched you leave.
What had he wanted to say? He had actually found himself enjoying your company that evening, but it was different and he sorta of feared and envied the way his chest had ached when you would laugh at something he said or when you had left the room.
He looked down at the coat in his hands and smiled, but then caught himself after a moment. Was this how James felt when he looked at Lily? Is that what was happening to him?
He made his way up to his dorm room, expecting everyone to be asleep. But not everyone was. James and Remus were sitting on James’ bed talking when he walked in. James had a sly smile on his face while Remus had a calculating one.
Sirius walked around and sat down on the edge of his bed.
“Why are you two still up?” He asked, kicking off his shoes.
“Waiting for you.” James smirked. “So….”
“So?”
“You were nice to her, weren't you?” Remus asked, narrowing his eyes. “You didn’t try anything?”
“I’m offended, Mooney. Do you think I’d do that to one of your close friends.” Remus didn't answer. “Hurtful. And of course not. We just wandered the halls and talked.” He set the mug he had had hot chocolate in on the table beside the bed. Remus relaxed a bit, believing his friend.
“Good. I don’t need you wrecking her.”
Sirius didn’t respond, still thinking about you. Why was he so caught up in thinking about you?Your laugh, your smile, the sadness in your eyes when you talked about your family. The rage in your face when you talked about the way men treated your mother. Just you in general.
“Sirius!” He shook himself out of his head.
“Huh?”
“What happened? You feeling ok, mate?” James asked. “I’ve been calling you for five minuets, you were just standing there.
“Was I?” He looked down at his truck. When had he moved? “Strange.”
“You were thinking about Y/N, weren't you?” James’ smirk spread across his face.
“What? No of course not.” He tried to cover up quickly.
“Merlin, you were! You like her, don’t you!” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“What? No! Why would I? She’s great and all. Sweet, nice, pretty smile, addictive laugh, and all-” he stopped, hearing the words coming out of his mouth. He plopped down on his bed. “I like her, don't I?”
“‘Fraid so, mate.”
“How's that even possible? I just started to talk with her tonight!”
“Not exactly true,” Remus said. “You’ve had small conversations with her. Seen her around Marlene and Lily and I. And don’t think we haven’t noticed the way you look at her sometimes.”
“We have?” James asked. Remus rolled his eyes. If James ever had any kids he prayed they wouldn’t be as oblivious as him.
“Yes, James, we have. You’ve always been interested in her, I think. You just realize it now, though. So what are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing.” He answered quickly. Remus narrowed his eyes. “Listen. She probably doesn't like me back and she isn’t interested in a relationship. She wants actual love. Like personality and stuff. I mean, my personality is flawless, but there is no way I’m her type. I mean, she’s smart, a literal genius, and I’m a flirt.”
Remus rolled his eyes and stood up.
“So what, you're going to ignore it until it goes away.”
“Excellent idea, Mooney!”
“Sirius, that's not how that works.”
“Sure it is! If you ignore something it goes away!”
“Name one thing that goes away if you ignore it.” He thought for a minute.
“Cuts.” Remus rolled his eyes again, but couldn’t argue anything. Sirius and you were both going to end up getting hurt in one way or another and he didn’t want to be around when it happened. But he knew he would have to be. He would have to be around to clean up and fix the mess you two made, like he always was doing.
You woke up the next day later than you normally would have. Given you had come in around five-ish and fell asleep around five thirty.
You quickly tossed on one of your brother’s old sweatshirts that you had stolen from him before he died. He was an incredibly tall boy for his age and had a stronger, more muscular build, so the sweatshirt was literally falling off of you. You threw on a pair of leggings and your fuzzy boots, leaving your hair however it was. Luckily, you were just in time for lunch down at the Great Hall and were so grateful. The last thing you had last night was that hot chocolate, but you hadn’t had anything since you and Sirius had shared that plate of food half way through the dance last night.
You walked down the stairs to the Great Hall, expecting everything to be back to normal. Getting ready, you had convinced yourself that Sirius had just been nice last nice. ‘We should hang out more’. That's just what you said to be nice. Nothing was really going to-”
“Hi, Y/N.” You looked over to where Irius and the boys were sitting. You smiled and waved.
“Hey, Sirius! Hi, James. Hey, Remus.” You sat down besides Remus and Marlene who was sitting across from Lily who was by James.
“How’d the dance go for you? You disappeared half way through.” Marlene joked suggestively. You rolled your eyes at your friend as she eyed Sirius and wiggled her eyebrows.
“It was fun. We just went for a walk, get your mind out of the damn gutter.” You yawned and took a drink of the goblet in front of you. You smiled sadly at Sirius, apologizing. He smiled back and turned to Remus.
“I want to hear everything.” She said, shaking your shoulder.
“Mar, if you don’t leave me alone and let me eat, you will get a fork in the eye.” Her hands dropped from your shoulder and she let you eat, knowing your threat wasn’t a bluff. You ate the food you had put on your plate and talked with Lily and the boys, more than you normally would’ve. Things definitely weren’t going back to normal, and you can’t say you hated it, or even disliked it for that matter. When you were finished eating, Marlene pulled you and Lily away from the table.
“Ok. Spill!” She said sitting you down in the common room by the fire.
“There’s nothing to spill, Mar. What are you looking for?”
“You went with your crush to the biggest dance of the year. What do you mean there is nothing to spill? You were out till five in the morning!”
“How’d you know that?”
“I woke up when you came in. Now we want everything.”
“I would rather hear about your nights.”
“I’m glad I went with James,” Lily said with a smile. “Now come on, Y/N!”
“We just hung out, there is nothing more to tell!”
“You still like him though.”
“Well… yeah, I mean, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Then there has to be something more!” You stood up and brushed off your pants and pushed up your glasses.
“There is nothing more, and everything is just going to go back to the way it had been before the dance. It changed nothing, I’m sad to report.” You turned and left the common room, having no clue how completely wrong you had been.
Over the next few weeks you and the boys became closer and closer. So close that you started to go on trips with them to Homestead and sit with them in class. You often caught Marlene giving you glances with suggestive facial expressions, but you would shoot her a glare and defend that they were just being nice. And, unbeknownst to you, James was doing the same exact thing to Sirius. And every time he saw James doing it he would scowl and then repeatedly hit him and tell him to shut it.
It was mid-may now and the snow was all gone and the flowers were starting to bloom. Sweater weather was now officially weather and it was now up to light jackets, except you. You stayed in your hibernated state, all bundled up in your oversized sweaters and sweatshirts. And now the taunting for your looks was back. Today had been terrible. The taunting was the worst you had ever encountered and all you could do was hold your head up and walk away.
You were sitting by the lake with your books spilt out before you and were studying for an upcoming test. Really, you didn’t have to study for it, but like your father, you felt better learning something or reviewing something.
“Aw, so this is where she runs off to everyday?” You heard the familiar taunting voice of Lucius Malfoy.
“Leave me alone, Malfoy.”
“Tsk tsk tsk. Filthy little, mudblood needs to learn her place.” he put a foot on your book and you sighed, reigning in your temper.
“Malfoy, please get your shoe off my book.”
“Giving me orders now?”
“No. Hence the usage of ‘please’. Perhaps get your head out of your a-”
“Silencio.” You kept talking but no noise came out. Your hand latched to your throat as you kept trying to talk, but still nothing came out. You looked up at him and he looked so smugly pleased with himself. “That's better. Now there's no ugly little Mudblood know it all noise.”
Tears stung your eyes as you stood up and bolted away, his laughing following you as you bolted through the grounds and castle to the dorm room.
You opened the Common room door and hid your face as you sped walked to your dorm room, trying to escape without notice. Of course, being the Marauders' friends, that never worked well for you.
“Hey, Y/N!” Sirius said, hanging off the back of the couch. Remus looked up from the book he was reading and smiled at you, but you just kept walking. “Y/N?” You stormed up to your room and slammed your door shut and then proceeded to lock yourself in the bathroom.
Sirius and Remus looked at each other before scrambling up and walking up to the dorm room. They knocked on the door. There was no answer.
“Y/N?” Remus asked.” There was still nothing. Someone cleared their throat from behind them. They turned to see Marelene and Lily standing there with their arms crossed over their chests.
“So, do we even want to know?”
“Y/N came running through the common room and then stormed up here and now she isn;t answering.”
“Did she say anything?”
“Didn;t even acknowledge us.”
“That's odd,” Marlene muttered. “She told me she was going to be studying all day by the lake.”
“She didn’t have any books with her when she came through.” Remus said. The pieces fell together for Marlene and Lily.
“Go get her books? I’ll try and see what happened.” Marlene nodded and walked back down the stairs.
“What? Do you know what happened?”
“Possibly. I’ll be back. Din’t do something stupid.” She disappeared behind the door and left Sirius and Remus standing there.
She shut the door behind her and saw the empty space.
“Y/N?” There was no response. She walked to the bathroom door and knocked. “Y/N/N. Are you in here?” There was a thunk in the bathroom and a click of the lock. You opened the door and stepped out looking disheveled and your face was all blotched. “Oh, Y/N/N, what happened?” You sniffle noiselessly and hung your head lower. “Y/N? Can you tell me?” You shook your head. “Here come sit.” She pulled you to her bed and sat you down and she sat besides you. “Why not?”
Your eyes scanned the room. You grabbed a pen and paper and started to write.
I’ve been silencioe-d and I can’t reverse it because I can’t speak.
“Oh. Let's fix that.” She grabbed her wand and muttered the counter spell. A terrible sob ripped through your throat and you gasped. Not only did the spell make you unable to talk, but it restricted you breathing. Almost as if you were in a very tight corset, only the corset was inside of you. “Better?”
“Much,” you croaked out, your voice raw from not using it and all the crying you had been doing.
“Who did it?”
“M-Malfoy.” She clenched her jaw. Oh how she would have just loved to sock him right in the jaw.
“Anything else I should know about?”
“I left my books by the lake. He stepped on them.”
“Of course he did. Marlene is getting them.” You nodded and played with your fingers. Do you want to get ready for dinner? It's in a few minutes. Maybe some food will make you feel better?” You shook your head.
“I just want to go to sleep.”
“Ok. Do you want me and M-”
“I’m fine, Lily. Go enjoy dinner, I’m just going to-” you cleared your throat, “-take a shower and go to bed, if that's alright.” She was hesitant but stood up and nodded.
“You know where we are if you need us.”
“Uh, could you not mention this to anyone. If you have to Mar, but her at the most.”
“I think Sirius and Remus-”
“Will understand. Please, Lily. You know how I feel about getting picked on already. I don’t need them making it worse by attempting to make it better.”
“Alright. I won’t say anything. But I’m going to tell Maerlene.”
“If you gotta.”
“I’ll see you in a bit, Y/N. Alright?” you nodded and moved to your stuff, pulling out some clothes to change into after your shower. But while she thought they were sleep clothes, they most certainly were not.
Lily left the dormitory and walked down to the common room as Marlene was walking in with your books.
“I’m going to take these up to the dorm. How's she doing?”
“She’ll live. She said she’s just going to shower and then go to sleep. She looks exhausted.” Marlene looked down at the books in her hands.
“Maybe I shouldn’t take these up to her then.”
“I doubt she’ll even look at them.” Marlene shrugged and went up stairs to drop them off on your bed.
“So what happened?”
“She asked me not to say anything.”
“But-” Remus started but Lily cut him off.
“If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you herself. You know how she gets, don;t put me in the middle here.”
They wanted to argue with her, but couldn’t. She was right and neither of them wanted to put her in that position.
Xx
Later that night you woke up. Everyone was asleep and the events from that day were starting to make their way back to the front of your brian. You sighed and stood up, grabbing the small bag you had set next to your bed just in case this had happened. You made your way to the restroom and quickly began to get ready.
You first put on the flowery dress, it was your favorite one. A navy blue with white flowers that fell off your shoulders. You then, attempted, to comb through your hair which ended up in a classic side braid, looking as close to alright as it could get to without real effort.
Then you added a light amount of makeup. You sighed at your reflection. You felt better. You weren’t exactly sure why, but you just did. Maybe it was because you actually believed what Lucius said. Maybe you thought the makeup and clothes helped you, they always did make you feel more confident.
You grabbed one of your textbooks and ran out of the room and down to the common room where you took a seat in front of the fire and opened it up. You felt comfortable. Your dress was breathable and was longer so you really didn;t have to worry about flashing the amount of non-existent students in the room. The fire was warm against your skin and the smell of the natural Gryffindor pine filled the room to no end. You felt at peace.
And then you heard the crack of the second to last step. You froze, waiting for whoever it was to take another step or say something. It took a moment but the all too familiar voice of your crush filled the room.
“Sorry. I didn;t realize anyone was down here.”
“It's alright,” You turned and looked at him.
“Y/N?”
“The one and only,” you joked. You looked at you up and down before settling on your face again and walking further into the common room.
“Why are you all dressed up? I mean, you look nice but it's three in the morning. ANd you're reading alone in an empty common room.” He sat down besides you and you tucked your legs to your chets to give him room to sit. “Or are you waiting for someone? A date?” You let out a loud laugh.
“Sirius, no one is that desperate. Well, maybe you will this winter.”
“Ha ha ha. You’re so funny. Seriously though, what's up with the outfit?” You shrugged and played with the page of your worn book.
“Just had a moment. Happens sometimes. Need to dress up a bit and not be afraid to show a little style. Ya know?”
“What happened this afternoon?”
“Straight to the point as usual I see.”
“I’m serious. We were worried you just ran out of the room.”
“I don’t want to make a bigger deal out of this than it is. I am sorry about that though. But I couldn;t talk.”
“What was the rush?”
“Please just drop it, Sirius.”
“If you're asking me to drop it then it's bad. What happened? Was someone picking on you again?” You didn’t answer. You opted to, instead, hug your knees tighter and look away from him. You had a hard time lying as it was. You couldn’t do it to him. “I’ll take that as a yes. Who?”
“It's fine, Sirius. Please don’t-”
“Y/N,” he grabbed your shoulder and you looked up at him. A mistake on your part, now you couldn’t look away. “Don’t try to shoulder this on your own. Please?” You stayed silent for a moment but knew you weren’t going to win and sighed. Your body collapsed and your head fell onto his shoulder.
“I was studying at the lake and Lucius came up to me and started… well, ya know.”
“What did he say?” You remained silent, the memory replaying in your mind, hitting all the same places it had before. “Y/N. What did he say?”
“The usual.”
“You say that alot but never what the usual actually is.”
“Well, he called me a nerd, and um… ugly… and… stuff like that.” Sirius knew you eren;t telling him the whole story, but didn’t want to press any further, for both your sakes. Tears stung your eyes again and you pressed your head further into his shoulder.
“So you got dressed up.. Why?”
“It makes me feel better sometimes. Gives me more confidence even if I’m not around anyone.” He nodded and rubbed your arm. “Especially if I’m not around anyone.”
“You're around me and you seem fine.”
“Heh. Yeah well, I trust you. Plus you're not going to be into me ever so I mean…”
“What makes you say that?” You laughed. “I’m being serious.” You looked up at him and nodded.
“I don;t know. James’ impression of you seemed a bit better.”
“Y/N.”
“Fine, sorry. Not the right time.”
“So answer the question.”
“I think I would rather not.”
“Why?” You stayed silent. “Y/N, why?”
“BecauseI’maknowitallmudbloodnoonelikes.” you mumbled incoherently.
“In English this time please.” You took a breath and let it out, building up the courage.
“Because I’m a know-it-all little mudblood that nobody likes.” He stared at you for a moment.
“Who told you that?” You didn;t say anything. “Y/N!” His voice was sharp. You’d never heard him get angry before, but this was definitely anger.
“Malfoy, today. But others have said it.”
“Have you-”
“Ever told anyone? No. What's the point? It won’t stop it. My social status is going to follow me around my entire life, and I might as well accept the fact that this is what I’m going to be called.”
“Do you think Lily deserves to be called that?”
“God no! No one does!”
“Then why did you call yourself one?” You didn’t answer and looked away. He moved so he was sitting in front of you. He pulled your chin up. “Don’t call yourself that. Please. Don;t believe it, either. It's a terrible slur, which I know you know that. And you have to know that none of that other stuff is true either.”
“Sirius-”
“No. Let me finish. You are so extraordinary, Y/N. You are beautiful and stylish and smart and funny. There is not one bad trait about you at all, other than the fact that you are incredibly infuriating when you want to be. You're stubborn and witty and brave and are far too good for anyone here to know you let alone be your friend.”
“Sirius, you don’t have to lie to me. It's not that big of a deal.”
“I’m not lying, Y/N. I would never lie to you. And if people are saying these things to you, then yes. It is a big deal. It's a huge deal. You are one of my closest friends. ANd no one hurts my friends on any sort of level and just gets away with it.”
“I’m not worth that much hassle.”
“Yes you are. Why don’t you get that?” Your mind wondered back to when Lucius spelled you earlier. “What else did he do to you today?”
“Huh?”
“You are a terrible liar, and you got all distancey. What else happened?”
“Um… It’s nothing major, just a bit of fun, really… I guess-”
“Y/N.”
“He just shut me up.”
“And by that you mean…”
“I mean that he.. Well… he performed silencio and it's not that big of de- Sirius, sit down!” You hissed at him and tugged on his arm to pull him back to the floor.
“Is that why you didn’t answer when me and Remus were talking to you?”
“Yeah. And I couldn’t perform the counter of it because I was silenced and… Lily fixed it so it-”
“It shouldn't have happened.”
“Why are you making such a big deal about this? I get minor hexes all the time.” He raised an eyebrow and you cursed under your breath.”It's fine, Sirius. Really.”
His heart was breaking. Over these past few months he had fallen more and more for you. But the way you feared to be loved because of your looks always kept his emotions inside. Well, that and the thought of losing you as a friend and rejection. He may not have seemed like it, but he had a terrible time dealing with rejection thanks to his home life. But seeing you here, in front of him with wide panicked eyes that were just filled with worry and hurt, it was just too much for him.
He sat back down in front of you and took your hands in his. You stared at them for a moment before looking up at him. He had the most serious face you had ever seen.
“You promise me you’re alright.” you nodded, a bit dazed if you were being honest.
“Yeah, I-I’m fine.” He nodded and squeezed your hands quickly before standing.
“I’m just making sure. If you're not you can always tell me, you know that.” You nodded and watched him leave. “Good night, Y/N. Get some rest, alright?”
“Yeah. You too.” You watched him for a moment and when he got to the stairs you sprung up from where you were sitting. “Sirius!” He turned.
“Yeah?”
“Why did you continue to hang out with me after the dance?” You worriedly asked. “It's not because you saw that I could be pretty if I tried, was it?” He walked back over to you.
“Of course not. I don;t use people like that, Y/N. I’m actua;;y a bit hurt you’d think that.”
“I’m sorry, I just, I can never be too careful. Last year my brother and I had a conversation about it all and he said that now that he was exposed to it at him at home, he noticed it all over the place.”
“Last year?” You nodded, still in your own head. “Y/N, how long ago did your brother die?” You looked up at him, confused, and then you realized what you had said. You were the literal worst at secrets about your home life and lying.
“June. When I got home from school.”
“Y/N, I’m sorry. I-”
“It's fine, Sirius. Really. He lived a good life. He should’ve gotten to live it longer but…” You drifted off for a moment. “But, he actually made sure I was keeping myself safe here. He’s always been protective. Especially since our dad and… it hadn’t been easy on us, but especially him. He just felt like it was his job to protect me at all costs.” You looked down at your dress. “One of the reasons I don’t dress how I would like to.” You shrugged. “But I’m just… I’m just always cautious. I wasn’t trying to insinuate that you were personally a bad person or anything like that. I am really-”
“Y/N,” you stopped talking and looked up at him shyly.
“Sorry. I’m talking too much. I do that if I get nervous and I get nervous around you sometimes and-” You buried your face in your hands. You were tired and your emotions and brian was still a scrambled mess from earlier.
Sirius’ breath hitched when he heard you say that last part.
“You do?”
“Yes?” You peaked up through your fingers at him and groaned. “No getting out of this. Ok. Sirius, I-I like you. For a while I guess, and it's really early in the morning and I’m not in my right mind so I can say this without exactly being too embarrassed or anything or-” he put a hand over your mouth to stop you from talking more.
“You like me?”You nodded. He removed his hand. “How long?”
“Third year. When I started hanging around you and James and Remus more.” You mumbled. “I’m sorry. I ruined this. I know! I’m a terrible terrible person!”
“No, you didn;t.”
“Yes I did. You can;t feel the same and I just confessed that I-”
“Why can’t I?”
“Because you can’t. It wouldn’t make sense. I mean. I’m just me and you’re you.” He raised his eyebrows. “You're going to make me feed your ego aren;t you? Sirius, you are perfect.” He waited for you to start complimenting his looks which is what all the girls around school seemed to do, though he didn;t mind that. “You're funny, and charismatic. You fucking light up a room when ou walk in. You're constantly worried about all your friends and the way your brain works when you're figuring out your next prank is incredible! You’re cool and fun and thats who you deserve to be with. Someone cool and fun.” You wrapped your hands around your waist. “Not someone like me.”
“Well, for your information I do like a cool and fun girl. She’s also beyond smart and is strong, and nice.”
“Way to rub it in, thank you for that.”
“Its you, Y/N.”
“Huh?” He put his hands on your arms.
“I like you. I think I have for a while. I always found you interesting, but when we started to talk at the dance, actually talk, I think I fell hard then.” Your mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand. Why?”
“Because you’re you. You are perfect inside and out. Beautiful whether you are in sweats or a dress. You're so incredibly smart and you get this crease in your eyebrows when you're concentrating,” he poked between your brows where the crease had formed. You relaxed your face for a second, only for it to re-appear. He smiled. “I like you a lot, Y/N.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I guess the only thing to do now is ask: Do you want to go out with me?” You smiled.
“Yes!” He smiled too.
“Perfect!” He felt tension drop from his shoulders as you hugged him tightly.
“Thank you,” you mumbled quietly.
“For what?”
“Liking me for me. For once, I don’t feel afraid of turning out like my mum.” He squeezed you back.
“That’ll never happen as long as I’m around, Y/N.” You smiled wider. And he kept that promise and you could dress how you wanted now without fear because you knew that no matter how you looked, he wouldn’t care. He wouldn’t care because he liked you and not the way you looked.
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hello, i don’t know who to ask about this but i’m new to the fandom and saw that you really like kataang. what’s your interpretation of katara’s glance down after the kiss before the invasion? i’m not a fan of the surprise kiss trope but even with that said, i had thought she liked him back. it didn’t seem like she did at that point or through the rest of book 3, and then next thing we knew they were endgame in the finale. sorry for being a bother, i’m just a little confused (like katara i guess haha)
Hi, Anon! Welcome to the fandom! Hopefully it treats you nicely lol.
Ah yeah. I've seen this talked about a lot over the years. And, y'know, I get it. It can seem a little out-of-place at first since, as you noted, Katara shows signs of being romantically interested in Aang beforehand, and now that they've had their second kiss, she doesn't look too happy about it. As someone who ships them, I initially would have loved to see them happy in that moment, to take another minute to themselves just to share grins and maybe laugh a bit because they've taken that step, put their feelings out into the open, and they're both glad for it. To a shipper, or to someone who's rooting for our protagonist to express his feelings, this does feel like a celebratory moment. I'm taken out of the context of the scene for a second because the pretty music has shot in and I'm still surprised at Aang's move and I'm happy to see an actual, mutual (as Katara leans in) kiss between them.  
Then again, this situation is a lot realer for them than it is for me. I'm the viewer, I can hear The Cave of Two Lovers' theme, I can see this being painted in a positive light because we see these two come together for a brief moment, and the narrative is, in a sense, praising that. In-universe, though, it's a bit more complicated, and Katara looking sad really isn't so out-of-place.
Remember where they are and what they're doing, what they were saying moments before and what they're about to risk. For them, this is the quiet before the storm, their possibly final goodbye. Aang is about to fly off and face his destiny, confront what he's been training for over most of the year, "since the day we met" as Katara puts it, and determine the fate of the world based on whether he wins or loses. Whether he comes back or not. And he puts the reality of the situation out there. "What if...what if I don't come back?" It's the threat of that possibility that spurs him to kiss Katara. And she figures as much.
Despite the music suggesting otherwise, this isn't a happy scene (and perhaps that's why we don't get the full score until the finale, because this kiss is only foreshadowing what could be). It's tense, and bittersweet, and pretty tragic imo. Aang knows he could die. He says so. And then he kisses her. And I feel like Katara breaking out into a great big smile in that moment, even though she does have feelings for him, would just seem off. Idk, personally I'm not sure how you (impersonal) can celebrate finally kissing the person you like when you remember that what drove them to make their move just now is the very real possibility they might never see you again. That they're about to leave and face that risk, and there's nothing for you to do about it. Seems like an upsetting situation to be in. 
There's also the fact that I'm skeptical Katara didn't already know Aang had feelings for her. I'm not saying it was always on her mind or that she paid much attention to it, she may have been putting all that stuff on the back burner or pretending it wasn't there as much as it was (including her own feelings) to focus on more important things, but I think she at least knew it subconsciously. I mean, Aang's not very subtle sometimes lol, and they've shared plenty of moments. So when Aang kisses her and Katara jerks back and her eyes widen in surprise, it's not because she didn't expect Aang to have these feelings (at least imo), but because she was in the middle of talking and is taken aback that Aang broke the unspoken barrier between them. 
They're touchy feely throughout the show. Katara's kissed him on the cheek plenty of times, they've even kissed on the lips before now. They have sparks, and they've been dancing around them quite a lot, from the Book 3 premiere at the latest. But they haven't gone that extra step to put it out there too far, where there's no mistaking the meaning behind these gestures. I think, on Katara's end, she would have been okay with putting off making any official moves for a while, given the war and several other possible factors preventing her from feeling able to spend too much conscious thought and emotion on it, and so she's surprised that Aang's kissed her because they'd been keeping their more romantic intentions implicit up until then. She won't be realizing afterwards or celebrating in her head that "omg, the guy I('ve sorta been avoiding my feelings for but actually do) like likes me back," because she’s known this, but it’s been left unsaid and kept slightly quiet in Katara's musings. Now, it's out there in the open, they're past the safe zone, there's little room for ignoring the feelings anymore, and it sucks so much that they had to make their way there now. It's such tragic timing, a kiss that doesn't stem from a smiles and rainbows conversation where they sit down to talk about their feelings and where they want to go from there, but a kiss done out of desperation, out of the possibility that Aang doesn't come back. Through that lens, it's almost like they kissed "too early," especially for what happens next.
See, my impression is that Aang's kiss was meant for two possible scenarios -- Aang loses and thus doesn't come back, which means there's obviously no future for him and Katara. Alternatively, the day is won, the war is over, he comes back and the world is finally at peace; they can stop running, they can celebrate and breathe and talk about where they're going from here in an environment more appropriate for that. And since Katara kissed him back, it seems like she affirmed that there's something there for them, given he returns. But instead, something happens that I don't think they anticipated. Aang does come back, but he didn't win. So, in terms of Katara and Aang, they're now at a bit of an impasse, a situation that their kiss wasn't intended for, and it leads to this semi-awkward limbo because Aang's still alive but ideally that kiss between them wouldn't have happened yet. 
Everyone needs to regroup, start it all over again, keep grinding and come up with a new plan. There's no time to get sidetracked, now more than ever. And, to me, that's reflective of what happens to Katara after Aang kisses her and takes off from the sub.
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Katara's reaction is to dwell on the kiss. She wants to, but Sokka reminds her that there's no time to. So Katara snaps herself out of it, and she moves on. And then they survive the Day of Black Sun, but the fight isn't over for them yet.
You asked about the DoBS kiss, so I'm not gonna waste your time hyper-analyzing Ember Island Players because there is a lot that's been offered and discussed about that episode. But if you were to simplify the reason for Katara's stance there, it's pretty much just holding up what was established in DoBS.
At the Invasion, while caught up in surprise because she had an expectation that they wouldn't broach the subject this way, if at all, for a while, Katara kissed Aang back, and she kissed him back because she wanted to. But since then, she's had more time to think, and she won't be so caught off guard next time. Aang expresses during EIP that he wants to try a relationship with Katara sooner rather than later, and that he'd thought she felt the same since she kissed him back (as well as the moments they shared before), but Katara is adamant now about this not being the right time. She fully intends to keep her head in the game, like Sokka reminded her at the Invasion. That's essentially what she thinks Aang needs to remember now, too (and yeah, like I said, there are other ideas that can be brought in that contribute to the articulation, but this is the primary point being conveyed here).
Whatever the reason, her response causes Aang to reevaluate his conclusion about where they stand. Even though the war isn't over, he thought that, because he survived and Katara accepted his kiss before, maybe they could try anyways. But Katara still feels stuck in limbo, and she makes that clear. It's also significant to note that Katara doesn't make Aang any promises about being together after the war, which imo was a good move on the writers' part (I have a wip about this but idk when that'll be done lol). Anyways, Aang backs off, following her lead and putting romance aside.
I do want to talk about the second half of Book 3 as a whole, though, not just EIP. I've seen people criticize this portion of the story in terms of Kataang, but I think that, besides the substance of these episodes, it's important to keep in mind that the last 10 episodes of the series (The Western Air Temple and on) originally aired 7.5 months after Day of Black Sun. Not only that, but these episodes all aired within the same week. It was a big, hyped-up event on Nickelodeon dubbed "Countdown to the Comet," and it took place over the course of 6 days. That sort of schedule for finishing a show is...unusual. But it was also intentional here. 
Even though the episodes don't have to be watched that way, the final 10 episodes are, in a way, all together the final big bang of the series. They're majorly dedicated to the most critical elements of the main story, including Zuko finally, after 2.5 seasons, joining the gaang and him finding his place in it. I'd say that The Western Air Temple to The Southern Raiders are most generally about that, about Zuko being accepted and making amends especially to the original three members of the gaang (who he's hurt much more than Toph). The viewer is gratified by watching Zuko do what we all hoped for him, forming relationships with Aang, Sokka, and Katara after all this time, merging our most important A and B plots. The other major things the last 10 episodes are for are the final battle, of course, because that's going to be our conclusion to this journey, and Aang's preparation for it.   
So yes, onscreen interactions between Aang and Katara are fewer, but by no means does that make the rest of Book 3 an undoing of what they have. All their setup has been established, we're good on that, and we're going to leave that relatively be for now while we delve into the action until we're ready to revisit. And besides, imo, they still have extremely critical moments in the last 10 episodes that I am deeply, deeply happy exist. They're more subtle and less explicitly romantic -- a lot of them take place when they're not even around each other, but they speak volumes to me about how Aang and Katara have influenced each other, and how important the other is to them.
These 10 episodes are like a refocus of our largest priorities, and Kataang coming together is put on hold (again, I think that benefits the main story) for the end. But even though we watch less scenes where they're together, with more scenes of Zuko joining and hanging out with each of them individually in place, there's hardly indication of Katara and Aang avoiding each other after their DoBS kiss, or even post-EIP. 
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They're still friends first. What they're avoiding is not each other, but a new possibility for themselves, because right now they're choosing to ground their feet in what they have. Basically, around each other, they're pretending what unfolded between them never happened until, possibly, on Katara's say so, it's appropriate to resume that aspect of their relationship.
And after the war, probably into a few months of peace (based on the state of Sokka's leg), she decided it was. She felt ready, and they dove right in.
I hope that clears things up! And don't worry, you weren't a bother at all! I love talking about these two, but unfortunately I became really busy the past couple days (plus this response got deleted and I couldn't salvage it because I saved a copy of a cursed screenshot of Aang and ig it was scary enough to erase my clipboard history :3). Thanks for your patience lol!
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Astor nodded. He and paced the hall and muttered under his breath.
“I see...I never meddled in the realm of technology...but to think that Sheikah Technology could hold such a secret.” He tapped his chin, staring at the astrolabe on the other side of the dungeon bars. “I suppose it makes sense. The advanced accomplishments and feats that such technology is capable of...it’s only naturally that it is powered by unconventional means.”
Siv spun the Sheikah Core on his index finger like it was a ball. “Yeeeep. I’m guessing that’s what allowed the super old dudes to beat the Calamity all those years ago.” He shook his head. “So, yeah. Dick Lord Ganon is gonna use that to turn the Guardians and Divine Beasts against us. And even if the science peeps keep researching into them...well.” He looked up at Astor. “Obviously, they would never figure out this crucial little detail even after a hundred years of science-ing. So this is our little secret, capiche?”
Astor nodded again. If what Asivus was saying was true (And it was) then Hyrule were truly doomed. The Calamity would exploit this secret, and use it to flip the entire war on its head. This is what Ganon would use to turn the Divine Beasts against them.
If any of the researchers found out about this aspect of Ancient Technology, and adapted to it, then Ganon would lose his biggest advantage...and it might be possible to...
The seer quickly shook away the thought. No, even if they knew, the world would be helpless all the same when the Princess fails to awaken their powers. In fact, it would probably be more brutal if Ganon’s forces were reliant completely on the bludgeoning and stabbing that came with monsters. Machines would have avoidable patterns in a post-apocalyptic world, but monsters of malice would be exceptionally harder.
So yes...We keep this info from everyone. Especially Robbie and Purah and...
“How sure are you that no one else could figure this out?” Astor asked.
“Decently sure. I mean, it’d be pretty hard to guess such a crazy thing.” Asivus shrugged.
“Are you positive? Because I know my—” He stopped in his tracks, suddenly stumbling on his words. “I—in reference to random researchers—other non-specified—she’s not—Look. There are very talented and intelligent researchers across the kingdom, surely someone—”
“Did you say it yourself? Everyone’s way to arrogant around here!” Siv threw his hands in the air, exasperated. “No one’s gonna look for faults in their perfect little war machines! They shoot lasers, and don’t talk back. It’s a general’s wet dream. Even if someone figured out this secret, no one here would listen to them.” He waved his hand in a circle and gestured towards his half brother. “Case in point: You.”
Astor folded his arms and sighed. “Alright, fine. So that’s how the Calamity will turn the Guardians and Beasts against us. But what’s the actual execution of it all? The plan? What’s your play in this? How did the Guardians in the yard get corrupted?”
Siv was silent; thinking. He seemed to be endlessly swimming through thoughts and words and memories. The man fiddled with the discs surrounding the astrolabe, eyes drooping in misery. Interesting.
“I was supposed to make them. That’s what he wanted,” Asivus finally said. “Beast of water, lightning, air, and fire. Or, demons? Blights or something. Creatures that were to take on the Divine Beasts.They’re built slightly different than Guardians, so he needed a little something special to deal with ‘em.” He blew hair off his forehead with a huff. “It all sorta just came into my head in the minutes before I fucked up those Guardians, so the details come and go, but that’s the gist. I make the Blights, Ganon does his thing, then I wait at the Sanctum to achieve true happiness or whatever he was bullshitting.”
“But you failed.” Astor interjected. “You failed to make the blights, and thus today’s calamity failed. At least, in this timeline.” Siv opened his mouth to object, but he continued to think outloud. “The Guardians were a fluke, then. You were not capable of creating Blights, but wielded enough malice to corrupt a Guardian. Although that brings into question how you control malice to begin with...and why you were chosen specifically for the task...”
Asivus was silent again, spinning the astrolabe on the floor. Astor observed him for a moment.
“Is he speaking to you? At the moment?” The seer asked. “Every time you fall silent is when you start looking down at that device. That thing I can correctly assume is the instigator of all this, given that you look at it every time I ask about the recent Guardians you ruined.”
Asivus narrowed his eyes at him, annoyed at being so readable.
“Ganon isn’t in your head, as you said you were overcome with this information in the minutes you truly held that astrolabe and walked by the Guardians.” He thought back. “Earlier before the incident you said you had a dream, and then you found the astrolabe? You leave it on your desk as a paper weight, before developing the decent moral to drop off a potential lost item to the Sheikah. But then you were holding the astrolabe in proximity to the Guardians, and subsequently are suddenly given the revelation to the Calamity’s plan...”
He locked eyes with him. “Combine that with the truth about all Sheikah Technology itself...and the fact that your eyes only change when that core is in your possession...”
Astor walked closer and gripped one of the bars, calmly. “That astrolabe is the link between you and the Calamity. It speaking to you through it. It’s lending you the power to control malice. It’s a manifested vessel of Ganon’s ill intent for this world...perhaps made of whatever malice plagues yourself. Perhaps he chose you for the job because you’re brimming with his favourite substance.”
Assivus started at the seer, and blinked once. Astor took that as confirmation, but asked anyways: “Am I wrong?”
Siv bit his tongue for a moment, before sighing in defeat. “You’ve got Ligero’s mannerisms down to the T. The perceptiveness nearly makes me wish I had actually paid attention to his parenting attempts.”
Something twisted inside Astor at that comment, and his voice grew a dangerous edge. “I’m nothing like him.”
“It’s alright, don’t take it personally. I just have a love-hate relationship with smart people.”
“Tsk.” The prophet stared down the corridor in thought. “Don’t we all.”
“But you’re wrong about one thing.” Siv added, and he looked up at Astor with a new seriousness. “I didn’t ‘fail’ to make the blights.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I didn’t fail to make the blights, I didn’t want to.” Asivus raised his voice, and rolled the astrolabe to the other side of the cell. “You can’t fail something you never really attempted in the first place.” He winked. “I mean, that’s been my philosophy on life for the last 15 years, heh.”
Astor blinked in surprise. “But...why? The world is doomed, and you were handed a position of life and power on a silver tray. Chosen above anyone else.  Why wouldn’t—?”
“I didn’t do it because I’m not like you, pissface!” Siv snapped. “I jump outta my socks to make a selfish decision. I don’t just run away from any inconvenience in my life.”
Astor nearly laughed. “Oh? And what exactly is it that you do, then? You’re really going to preach to me, Mr. Assivus Asunder?”
“YEAH! That name is exactly why I decided this!” He waved his arms in the air, and gestured to himself as he slumped against the wall. “Taking action and fighting for anything, regardless of what, sucks ass. Initiating change? Bad. Acting on what you care about? No likey.” Siv pounded his chest proudly. “The ideal ending for Asivus Ex-Hartell is to just chill out, and wait for the end. Drink in hand!”
He raised his empty flask, but nonetheless pretended to drink.
Astor frowned, but let the distant drip of leaking water echo in the corridor.
He watched Siv for a few more minutes, silently tapping his fingers on his elbow.
“You still care about your brother.”
It was a good think his flask was empty, as otherwise he would have spit out his drink. Siv angrily sputtered. “The fuck does that have to do with anything—?!”
“Why are you just relaxing in there after all this time?  You think you deserve this? Don’t want to be a burden for others?” Astor looked him up and down.
“Listen, you little shit. I know at this point it shouldn’t be a surprise that my family is made up of asshole, but—”
“You know when I first saw you around the castle, I did recognize you. The eyes, you see. But of course, I didn’t see the need to trouble you with my story, but I did watch you.” The prophet sneered. “Dear Asivus Hartell, sneaking into town to share a peach cobbler with his niece. Assivus Asunder, teaching his nephew to shield surf, and trying to encourage him down a more righteous path than his own. The Royal Orator Siv, who thanks his little brother for taking care of him by spending four hours making perfect hand drawn rat doodle cards.” Astor leaned down with a smirk. “You’re not the only one who paid attention to the captain’s birthday presents.”
“Alright get to the point, fuckface.” He waved the prophet off. “What? I screw around with my dumb family. What’s it gotta do with anything?”
“It means that for all your talk of laying down and dying and giving up, your action seems to indicate that you don’t actually believe that.” He jabbed a finger at Siv through the bars. “Or at least you don’t fully. Maybe you don’t want to. So don’t go blathering about your sorry life, only to try and insult me in the next minute. This isn’t about your apathy. You’re just scrambling at this low bar Ganon gives you as you drool the rare opportunity to unequivocally be an undeniably good person. You just want to tell yourself you’re a hero.”
Quiet.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
“OK.” Asivus curled his lip. “I didn’t want to join Ganon, because I’m still stupidly trying to not be an asshole. I’m too much of a wuss to commit to the dickhead role I was probably meant to fulfill. I’m pathetically trying to keep control over my image—is THAT what you want to hear, magic man? Congratu-fucking-lations. You turned the tables, you can see how pathetic I am and can feel better about yourself. How do ya feel?” The astrolabe had rolled by Asivus’ lap, and gold speckled in his eyes.
Astor sighed and answered honestly. “...Well. I’m envious, truth be told.” Siv blinked, but let him continue. “I haven’t bothered trying to be a hero my whole life, much less have such a driven (and these days useless) hunger to be ‘good.’” The seer shook his head, staring down the hall again. “I’m envious, but I do think you’re a fool. I’d take the opportunity to wield the future in a heartbeat, no matter the consequences.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Siv chuckled. “This malice stuff is fucked up.”
“Only because you don’t understand it.” Astor replied, offended. “I’ve studies it for years, and it’s often misunderstood. There’s a beauty and usefulness to it, even detached from the Calamity. You’re just not intelligent enough to get it, I understand. ‘Love-hate relationship,’ like you said.” He snorted.
“Are you sick?! This Ancient Core thing made me walk through so many shitty memories and thoughts...I wouldn’t walk through that again to end OR save the world.”
“Again. All due to your plight of ignorance. It’s not your fault.”
Asivus rolled his eyes. “You know what? Why don’t you explain it me then?! If you’re so excited about it? Talk aaall about how I’m not fit to properly wield this and how pathetic I am?”
Siv dangled the astrolabe in the air between his fingers.
“Go on! Explain how great this malice is, and maybe then if you’re so eager I’ll just leave the thing in your care!”
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the-caffeine-hero · 4 years
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More Than Enough
Kurapika x Reader - Angst with a (sorta?) happy ending? - Crossposted on AO3!
It was late, the night air piercingly quiet as it always seemed to be on the nights you spent alone. It was to be expected, of course, when you stopped to consider who you shared your living space with. You have known Kurapika for what seemed like a lifetime yet it had only been a short two years. Although, the young man you had met those two years ago was not the same man you now know. While you have heard the whispers between friends that he had grown to be more handsome and intriguing, and I suppose you wouldn’t disagree on the handsome thing but you missed the boy you originally knew. You never failed to notice the markings of overworking and stress that painted the blondes face. You would consider yourself an expert on the said face, you hesitate to admit it but you spend more time that anyone should staring at his face. Some would say that you harbored a small (immensely large) crush on the Kurta but you tried your best to not think about it too much. It wasn't as if you were shy or would rather that he make the first move, rather you had a very early realization of the slim chances of a relationship with him. The possible romantic relationship seemed to be a disaster waiting to happen so you held your tongue. That thought aside, you loved him despite his, unfortunately, self-destructive tendencies and dedicated revenge plans. You were just as happy to spend what little moments you could with him. That was more than enough.
If almost like waking up from a deep sleep, you were pulled away from your thoughts by the clicks and twists of the front door unlocking. Kurapika trudged up the stairs at an almost snail pace. He gave you a small smile as the two of you made eye contact, then retreating into his bedroom. You let out a sigh you didn’t know you were holding in once the blonde had passed you. Your heart ached for Kurapika. This wasn’t the first time he had come home this way. It wasn’t always this way, but recently it had only become worse. More late returns home, fewer hours of sleep, and one-word conversations. Your lips pursed as your head fell back against the couch. Were you wrong to be worried? Against your better judgment, you moved to follow him. While you knew there were no romantic ties, you still were one of his friends. You had a right to be at least a little concerned. His bedroom door was closed which was unsurprising. Even at the best of times, Kurapika was a very private man. Your fingers lingered centimeters from the door, your next steps uncertain. While your worries seemed valid to you, you still felt an invisible roadblock stopping you from knocking on the door. It was quite possible that Kurapika would welcome the company but he also could very well want some time alone. You took a breath, grounding yourself as you let your hand connect with his bedroom door, your knuckles making a soft rap on the door. You had no idea what you expected but it wasn’t to find yourself coming face to face with the blonde man.
“Should you not already be in bed?” Kurapika asked as he leaned his head against the doorframe. You smiled softly at him as your eyes met.
“I could say the same about you. I’m not keeping you am I?” You asked, your fingers twiddling with the hem of your shirt. He gives you another small smile, just like the one from before.
“No, you’re never a bother.” He stated almost matter-of-factly. This left a quick yet somehow agonizingly slow silence between the two of you.
“Can I come in?” You asked, breaking the stark silence. He nodded at your request, moving away from the door, allowing you to enter. Every time you saw his room you felt a tang of disappointment. It was barren save for a bed, a closet, and a bookshelf. You knew that Kurapika was not a materialistic man by any means as well as his stay not being 100% permanent, yet you still hoped to see him settle in just a little bit. Kurapika sat down on the bed, his eyes trailing your own as you looked around the room. As your eyes locked, he opened his mouth to speak. You were quick to cut him off before even a single sound could escape his lips.
“Kurapika, I am worried about you.” You stated abruptly. The blonde gazes at you with knowing eyes as he sinks deeper into the mattress.
“There is no reason for alarm. I am quite alright.” He responded with the words he knew youtube wanted to hear. You feel your lips press tightly together before you speak again.
“I don’t believe you, Kurapika. You’ve been overworking yourself and pushing everyone away recently. I know that not everything is okay.” You responded, your words flowing steadily like a waterfall. You take a seat next to Kurapika on the bed, your hands reaching to capture his. You feel a slight blush crawl it's way up your neck at the action.
“I’m not trying to say that you have to stop. In fact, I admire your dedication more than words could ever describe but don’t you think that you deserve a chance to feel good and for once not weighed down by such a heavy responsibility?” You ask, your mind running a million miles a minute, Anyone close to Kurapika knew that his mission was a sensitive topic and you couldn’t help but pray that he knew and understood that you didn’t mean for your words to come across as unsupportive. Granted, you would not call yourself supportive as you couldn’t help but notice the negative effects that that revenge had on the blonde. You could never fully understand the pain he felt but you understood why he had such an immense desire to fulfill his plans. Who wouldn’t want an answer for such terrible actions? You could feel the blondes fists clench at your words. The stark feel of the flexing of each finger against your own caused your heart to jump.
“Weighed down?” He said, the words almost hissing from his lips. “You have no idea what being weighed down is like. The atrocities that I have seen.” He continues, his voice rising slightly as he averts his eyes from yours. You felt the tips of your fingers being to resemble static while you try to gently hold the young man’s hand. The two of you had always had a mutual understanding of each other's emotional boundaries. You tended to wear your heart on your sleeve in most situations, and for what may seem surprising to some, Kurapika was an excellent listener. He on the other hand was the expert in bottling up each and every emotion. While you undoubtedly respected that but you also knew the immense damage that could cause in someone.
“You know that I would never try to stop you or stand in your way. I never want to downplay how hard every single day is for you or am I trying to pretend to be able to understand the pain or challenges you go through. I just…” You pause, your hands moving to caress his face, your thumbs shaking as they swipe across his cheeks. “I don’t want to see you throw your life away. The path you're on isn’t a safe one. What good is revenge if you die?” You stammer out, your hands falling from his face to a resting position in your lap. You hesitated to make eye contact with Kurapika as you could already see the faint rim of red in his irises from the corner of your vision. Before you could speak again, Kurapika let out a sigh and stood up, softly walking to the door, opening it without a word. You tensed up at this action, that static feeling traveling from your fingertips to all over your body. You stood up, your legs slightly shaking as you walked towards the door. You couldn’t work up the courage to look him in the face as you walked through the doorway. The moment you passed through, the door shut behind you softly. For a moment you were dazed. What did this mean? Was he angry with you? While Kurapika had been known to be a hot head sometimes, his friends generally were not the subjects of it. Your body shivered at the thought of being on the receiving end of that temper. You steeled yourself, shoving the thought from your mind as you disappeared into your own bedroom.
As you fell back into your bed, you couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that rattled through your mind. Was something wrong? Everything seemed bad, but could things be worse? Your thoughts traveled to what life was like without Kurapika’s presence in your home. It was a temporary arrangement when your roommate moved out. He needed a place to stay while he took care of business in the city and you happily offered the spare room. You would have been overjoyed to have him stay forever. You knew that was impossible but it never stopped you from thinking it. You shifted in your bed, the sheets wrinkling around you. Perhaps you were overthinking? Was it better to be safe than sorry? Against your better judgment, you slipped off of your bed to return to the blonde's side. You didn’t necessarily feel any guilt but you swallowed your pride and opted to apologize for the press on such a sensitive subject. Kurapika’s door was slightly ajar when you returned to it which was a cause for concern. You gently pushed the door open to see what little evidence of Kurapika in the room was gone. Not even the few books that normally say upon the bookshelf were there. They were gone as if the man was never there. You quickly slipped your way down the hall, nearly tripping down the small staircase that led to the front door. As if this moment was scripted in a film you saw Kurapika. He had one hand on the doorknob and another holding a suitcase. Your eyes widened as the two of you made eye contact. The blonde looked the same as he did when he first arrived home. There was not a single trace of anything other than those familiar overworked eyes.
“Where are you going?” You asked with hushed breath. The blonde only could look at you. The world was once again that familiar and lonely quiet. “Kurapika, please. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just worried.” You began to ramble out, the words as shaky and unsteady as an earthquake. “You know I love you. I just want to see you happy and I know you won't truly be until you complete your mission but I am scared you won't live to see the end of it.” You continued, rattling off every thought your mind could produce. Your brain felt the pull of a sort of fight or flight mode. The static had once again returned to your body, your teeth chattering as you felt thick tears roll down your cheeks. Your gaze fell to the floor as you felt your hands clasp tightening together. You feared the blonde had already walked out the door when you heard the thunk of the suitcase on the floor. Your head snapped to look at Kurapika. His face had not changed, not a single muscle had moved. “Are we not friends anymore? I promise I’ll never bring it up again.” You say, a slight hiccup in your voice. The blonde stiffened at the question.
“It is not as if we are no longer friends. I fear that I cause you distress. I am not suitable to be sharing this space with you.” Kurapika explained, his voice oh so calm. You blinked, the remaining tears escaping your eyes. Had he not been upset with you? Granted, you had thought that it wouldn’t be the case but his actions up until this point seemed to say otherwise. “I greatly appreciate your support to me but I believe that it would be best for you if I took my leave.” Kurapika continued, not hesitating to also add on that he would transfer you some Jenny to cover his portion of the rent until you were able to find a replacement. You gazed at him, your eyes still wet from the sudden wave of tears. The blonde went to pick up his suitcase but you quickly grabbed his hand with your own. Your eyes met and you wondered if yours reflected the same look of loss that his did.
“Please don’t go. I don’t want you to go.” You whispered, your voice hoarse. You felt his thumb gently move across the top of your hand. Normally, a soft action like this directed at you would cause an immeasurably large grin but now it seemed to just live to taunt you as his thumb left your skin feeling like pinpricks.
“I grew angry at you for worrying for me. You do not deserve such a cruel action, especially in your own home. I apologize but this is for your best interest.” He repeated again. You felt as if your head was caught in a whirlpool, your hand still tight around his. How could you possibly imagine a life without him in it? Your mind flipped through each happy memory that the two of you shared. What was your favorite? Perhaps it was the time you first dragged him out to a new and popular restaurant that had just opened downtown? You had told him that maybe some high profile guests would be there and how it couldn’t possibly hurt to check it out. The two of you never did find anyone of interest other than each other. A three-hour meal with Kurapika felt like a blur as you became enchanted by every word that escaped his lips. Maybe you favored the time you caught him reading a very old and weathered copy of Dino-Hunter? He had offered to let you borrow the book if you were interested but you opted to sit by his side and read along with him. There were small notes in the margins written in Kurta and he explained what each one said, you even learned a couple of words by the end of the night. There were plenty of wonderful moments just like those that meant more to you than anything. His presence in your home was what allowed you such treasured interactions. Only you could say you experienced such things with him. Maybe it was selfish but you weren’t ready to give up the chance at more. You took a deep breath before you directed your eyes to stare deeply into his own.
“Kurapika, I love you. I love you more than a friend. There is nothing that you could do that would make me not love you. You being in my life is the thing I am the most thankful for every single day. I just want to continue spending my days with you at my side. I understand if you do not reciprocate my romantic feelings towards you, I know that you have a lot on your plate but as a friend, could you please stay?” You asked, your voice sturdy. It was now or never. You never imagined that you would confess these feelings to him in a situation like this. For once, the lapse in conversation was not quiet, rather you could hear your heartbeat as it thumped strongly against your chest. You didn’t fail to notice the look of shock that took over the blonde's face. If you weren’t in such a heated moment, you may have wondered how he didn’t pick up on these feelings earlier.
“I was not aware that you had such feelings for me.” He stated, the shock laced in his voice. You could only stare back at him, your breath caught in your throat as you waited for his answer. “I apologize but I still do not believe my presence in your life is good for you. You said it yourself, the path I am following is not safe, meaning that I would not want to wrap you up in it.” He explained, the false calm clear in his voice. You took a deep breath before speaking again.
“Kurapika, I don’t care what path you’re on. I just want to walk that path with you. Would I prefer you not to die? Yes! That doesn’t mean that I would just give up on my feelings for you. I have fallen in love with you despite your flaws. Please...just tell me yes or no.” You responded, your exhaustion apparent in your voice. How much more did you need to do so that he would understand your love for him? You could see him shift in his spot and you wondered if it was nerves. Did Kurapika ever become nervous? “You don’t need to reciprocate but I only want to know if you will stay with me. Even as a friend I would be more than happy. I promise I will throw the romantic love I have out the door. It won’t be awkward for either of us.” You reassured, hoping to pull his answer out. Without a word, Kurapika picked up the suitcase once again. Your breath hitched in your throat. Was he going to leave? Much to your surprise, the blonde retreated up the stairs. You hesitantly followed him up as the two of you returned to the bedroom that you, not less than an hour ago, had exchanged your intense words. He sat down in the exact same spot he had before, and you followed suit. It was like a strange dance the way you responded to each of his movements. He turned his body to look at you and you couldn't help but wonder if this action was his version of an answer. Before you could speak up, the blonde quickly tugged you into an embrace, his face pressed into the crook of your neck. At this moment you inhaled sharply, your hands slowly moving to wrap around his body. If you weren’t paying attention you would have missed the words that slipped from his mouth, muffled by the contact of your skin.
“Thank you.” He muttered, his lips grazing your neck. You couldn’t help but feel confused but you didn’t dare to interrupt this moment. You pulled your body away from his, catching his eyes for a moment where you couldn’t help but notice the red that spilled into the whites of his eyes. For once, the red was not from being a Kurta, rather it was from the tears that now made a home on the shoulder of your shirt. You shuffled yourself under the covers as you gestured to him to do the same. He compiled without a word as he slipped under the covers and back into your arms. Perhaps you would talk more in the morning but for now, you held him close to you as you patiently allowed the tears to fall from his eyes. The two of you were as close as two separate people could be as your legs intertwined with each other and your arms tightly wrapped around the other's sides. You felt his head lay against your chest as you ran your fingers through his hair, noting that it had gotten longer than normal. You pressed your lips against his forehead, pressing a kiss to it gently. Your lips ghosted the skin before whispering to him a soft goodnight before closing your eyes, assuming that he would do the same. The two of you drifted off to sleep listening to the rhythmic beat of your hearts intertwining. You would ask him in the morning more, but for now, this was more than enough.
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yukipri · 3 years
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Marco’s Bauble Part 3 - a One Piece Mermaid AU Text Story
Here’s part 3 of the Marco’s Bauble story, posted last month on Patreon!
Finally, an appearance from Marco himself ^ ^
Contains mention of Marco x Luffy.
Continues off of, and should be read after:
👒🐟Marco’s Bauble Part 1
👒🐟Marco’s Bauble Part 2
~~
Namur takes great pride in being a fishman in the Whitebeard Pirates.
Fishmen and merfolk are usually usually reluctant to join human-dominated organizations, and with good reason, given their long and painful history of suffering prejudice. And for those few who do feel the call of pirating, joining Jinbe and the Sun Pirates to be among their own kind is a natural and comfortable choice.
Jinbe's a good friend, and Namur has nothing but the highest respect for him and Aladine, but he's already chosen who to follow.
Pops, who stood up and protected Fishman island with just one word. Pops, who lets them keep his flag on the island without any tribute, which not even the world government would allow. Pops, who personally brings the wrath of colossal waves and quaking earth every time humans try to bring trouble to the undersea oasis.
Namur knew that he'd be alone among humans, but he trusts Pops, and trusts those who follow him and protect his home alongside him. And given everything he's done for Fishman Island, Namur feels it only fitting that fishmen be represented on the crew.
And so Namur became the first Fishman to join the Whitebeard pirates, but he wasn't the last. By the time Namur had been raised to the rank of 8th Division Commander, a handful of others had joined, along with a number of other people from various tribes considered not quite fully human. Some minks, some longarms, even one guy from a sky island.
In a crew as massive as theirs, diversity isn't surprising, and Pops has ensured they've never been alienated. Even so, the 8th Division became a natural gathering spot for those seeking others who are also a little different, and Namur's damn proud of his versatile, unique division that can handle missions that no other group can.
Namur's happiest aboard the Moby, and it's his one true home now. But at the same time, after spending so much time away from Fishman island, he sometimes misses his birth homeland and culture.
Which is why it feels like reverse culture shock when something familiar appears in front of him with no warning.
Like right now. On Marco's desk.
"Uh," Namur says eloquently, reports in his hand forgotten, eyes glued to the Thing that Marco's now wrapping in what looks like a letter, written in Marco's unmistakable elegant cursive.
"Sorry, I'll be done in a second, yoi," Marco says, and Namur freezes, realizing he must have intruded on possibly a very private moment--except Marco doesn't seem particularly bothered.
Well, even if Marco doesn't mind, Namur still feels awkward, and forces himself to avoid looking at the now-wrapped Thing. He really feels like he just saw something he shouldn't have. Had he knocked before coming in? He thought he had. He thought Marco had told him to come in, but now he's not so sure, because dropping by Marco's office to hand in reports is so habitual. Namur begins to sweat.
"Alright, what is it?"
Marco turns around, and he's wearing those glasses he always wears when he has to pour over documents for hours, that somehow make the legendary Phoenix look less like a terrifying warrior and more like an exhausted secretary. He's wearing his usual open shirt, Pops's mark proudly emblazoned on his chest, and his head still looks like a tropical fruit, and his face still looks kinda stoned. So, the usual Marco. Nothing amiss.
But maybe he's just hiding it. Humans can be so hard to read at times, and Marco wears his poker face better than most. Even though Namur's been his crew mate for roughly twenty years now, he still can't really see through it. Namur fidgets, palms feeling slick.
"Reports from the Eighth's last mission?" Marco prompts, and Namur flinches because oh, he'd been staring.
"Uh, yeah," he forces out, and raises his arm mechanically to pass over the bundle of documents he'd spent the entire morning writing up.
He notices that Marco uses his right hand to take it. He's heard that sometimes, humans wear the equivalent of the Thing on their left hand, and Namur realizes he hasn't seen (or perhaps just hasn't noticed) Marco's left hand in a while. He wonders if Marco's actually hiding it, and sneakily tries to peek at Marco's left side.
Apparently not sneakily enough, because Marco's sharp eyes flick to his side to try to catch what he must have thought Namur was trying to see, and Namur hastily straightens.
They stare at each other and the silence stretches awkwardly, and oh, Namur can tell this one, Marco looks very Confused. It comes off as sorta constipated, but Namur knows Marco well enough recognize the emotion on his questionably human face, and immediately feels bad. He didn't mean to act suspiciously, or snoop in Marco's personal life, but...he's so unbearably curious.
Namur supposes honesty is better.
"Marco," he tries to choose his words carefully, "that, on your desk..." Namur makes a vague jerky motion at the Thing.
"Oh, this?" Marco plucks up the little bundle that's now tied off with twine. "I was just going to send it off to Thatch."
Namur chokes on his own spit.
"You're, Th-Thatch?" Namur wheezes. "You're giving...to him?!"
Namur feels like he's just been sucked into a whirlpool, his world's suddenly tilting in every direction all at once. He doesn't have a problem with them being, y'know! Of course not! He supports his friends! It's just, well, he's surprised, because he'd never even suspected these particular brothers were anything but close friends, because it's Marco and Thatch, and he's been living with them for twenty years and--oh no, did everyone other than Namur actually know all along, is this Human Stuff again--
"Oh, no," Marco says with a soft laugh. "This isn't for him, yoi. He's just delivering it for me. It's for Ace's little brother."
Namur heaves out a huge sigh of relief. It's not Thatch. Oh thank goodness. Not that he doesn't think that Marco and Thatch wouldn't be great together. But. He's glad it wasn't just Namur misunderstanding...
Namur chokes on his own spit, again.
"Ace's little brother?" he tries hard not to shriek, and it comes out even tinier than expected, barely a whisper of a strangled sardine.
Marco frowns a bit at Namur's weird voice and offers him a bottle of fresh water from his side desk, which Namur shakily accepts. This is a lot to process.
"She's...ah, Ace said it's alright if Division Commanders know, but try not to spread this around too much. But she's a mermaid. I thought it'd be fitting," Marco says, shrugging nonchalantly.
"Ah," Namur nods, feeling numb. That does make a lot of sense, far more sense than giving That to Thatch at least.
A mermaid. Ace referring to his mermaid sister as "brother" also makes plenty of sense, given how vulnerable mermaids are in the world of pirates. In fact, it makes so much sense, and Namur wants to applaud Ace's discretion, he didn't seem the type to have that kind of tact and Namur's genuinely impressed, but his mind's also kind of overloaded right now.
"Although, Namur, since you're here..." Marco looks down at the parcel, dwarfed in his palm. "Do you think she'll like it? Or is it too bold, from someone she's never even met?"
It might be a trick of the light but...does Marco look, demure?
Namur's eyes bug out.
Holy shit. This is the real deal.
Namur's never known Marco to have a personal life or interest in anyone, the man's the definition of dedicating his life to the crew. But perhaps he was just being discreet, because surely everyone has a some soft spot or another, and Namur has just found Marco's.
And they've never even met?! They have a long distance relationship too. She's all the way in East Blue, and they correspond via letters and packages. All those oceans between them...
And on top of that, a mermaid and phoenix. She, bound in water, reaching up for the unattainable, while he, bound to the sky, doomed to drown if he touches her domain...like epic lovers torn apart by fate, just like the fairy tale of the fish princess and the bird, beloved by all fishmen and merfolk...
Namur feels his eyes sting a bit from the tragic romance of it all. But now Ace and Thatch have gone to retrieve her, and she'll be coming home to the Moby Dick soon. They'll be united. They'll get their happy ending.
Namur reigns in his overflowing emotions, remembering that he has an important task.
Do you think she'll like it? Or is it too bold?
Marco has consulted in Namur, his closest friend, his fishman expert confidant. This is his time to shine, his chance to give back a little for all the kindness and support Marco's shown him all these years. And Namur will not disappoint.
Namur composes himself, and then takes his reports back from Marco's hand, letting them go because they're suddenly utterly unimportant in light of Marco's blossoming future. He then grasps the now-empty hand, so warm and human, with both of his webbed ones. Marco's eyes widen in alarm as the papers flutter all around them, but Namur ignores them.
"Marco, I promise you, she'll love it," Namur pours every ounce of sincerity he has into his words, and feels his eyes begin to water again from the weight of it all. "I just want to say, I'm super happy for you, brother, and you can come to me for anything."
Marco stares at Namur, and Namur wills him to understand the depth of Namur's dedication to helping his dreams come true.
"...Right. Thanks, yoi?"
Namur doesn't see Marco's eyebrows climb up into his little mop of hair, doesn't notice him try and fail to extract his hand, doesn't notice him looking completely and utterly lost.
Because Namur's so overwhelmed. They grow up so fast! His friend's taking his next big step in life! And Namur gets to see it through! Being alive is incredible!
~~
Namur leaves eventually, and Marco stares blankly after him, hand still cramped from being death-gripped by the fishman for who knows how long.
He has no idea what just happened.
He then looks at the reports that are now scattered across his entire office.
"...He could have at least picked them up, yoi..."
~~
~~
~~
Namur is this guy here.
While he's a canon chara, he's also bg, and like most of Whitebeard's crew other than a core handful, we know very little about him and his personality and backstory is entirely me making it up ^ ^;
Next up in Marco's Bauble #04:
Namur values his crew's privacy. And given that he doubts he was even supposed to see Marco's secret, he absolutely can't disclose it to anyone.
Which is why he's snuck into Izo's room at ass o'clock in the morning, when everyone but the morning shift is asleep, but Izo's awake because he takes a few hours doing his hair and makeup.
Anyway, if you got through to the end, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
As always, comments/reblogs/tags always immensely appreciated!!! <3 People sharing their thoughts with me motivates me to write so much more, and update more frequently, so thank you so much for everyone who’s so kindly done so in the past!! ;A;
(and if anyone wants an early look, the next parts are already up on my Patreon ;D)
❀ ❀ Send YukiPri an Ask! ❀ ❀
Read the next part: Marco’s Bauble, Part 4
~This ask has been added to the Mermaid AU Text Headcanons Compilation post~
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OOH can we see how Kohga would react to Mipha asking for relationship advice? Since she’d see how devoted and passionate Sooga is for his Master, and not really anyone else in their group is in a relationship soooo
I’m just obsessed with him just adoring Mipha and trying his ass off to get her and Link together it’s so cute
One, thank you for recognizing the fact that Kohga playing Mipha’s wingman is possibly the best idea I’ve EVER had. Two, I am SO ready to start this absolute soft shit. Smut is fun and all, but come on, Kohga trying to hook bitches up is amazing. And third, this got waay out of hand, so enjoy some double dates here.
“So, did you get me something?”
Sooga hardly left Master Kohga’s side. Whenever he had to, be it to lend a hand elsewhere; he had TWO rules to follow; come home to him at the end of the day, and bring him something. Kohga had been sitting here, having tea with Mipha, while Sooga offered to help Sidon hunt for sneaky river snails (Sooga had a real knack for knowing where to find them). They came back with quite the haul, so the fact that he managed to get anything else was nothing to scoff at. He put the large bag of fish down on the floor, and from his pockets, produced a small cage. Inside the cage was what appeared to be a winterwing butterfly. Kohga clapped his hands together, clearly loving it.
“Ooh, I’ve been looking for one of these!”
“I know. It was why I had to stop in the middle of fishing to catch it for you. I may have let Sidon fall in the water in my haste. Maybe.”
Mipha cocked her head to the side upon seeing his reaction to the small bug.
“You like bugs?”
“Just the butterflies. I only keep them for a day or two before I let them go, I just think they’re neat.”
Kohga took a hold of Sooga’s chin, grinning from ear to ear.
“And SOMEONE seemed to remember me saying I wanted this specific one. You’re such a sap, Sooga.”
Sooga was trying (and failing) not to smile.
“I listen to EVERY word you say, master Kohga.”
“Ugh, you’re being mushy again. Get outta my face, go help shark boy with the fish.”
Kohga tried to look mean as he gently pushed his face away, but it was plainly obvious; Kohga loved him. Sooga pardoned himself, hoisted the bag over his shoulder, and walked off with Sidon. Mipha took a sip of her tea, watching as Kohga lightly shook his head. She knew it was a bad emotion to feel, but she couldn’t resist feeling a bit jealous. They were so happy with one another, and yet, her own love and affections were clearly not recognized by the one boy she loved, more than anything. Perhaps…
“Kohga? Can I ask something?”
“Whatever you want.”
Kohga stopped ogling his boyfriend for a second and gave her his attention, snacking on the cookies she made, just for him (shaped in just the cutest seashells). She squirmed a bit in her seat, unsure of how to go about it, before she finally came out with it.
“How...did you get someone to love you, the way Sooga does?”
Kohga stopped eating for a second, looking at her sullen face. This little fish was just sweeter than banana bread, and it hurt poor ol’ Kohga to see her love so much, without Goldilocks even talking about it with her. Sure they were young, and they had forever to talk about this stuff, but there was no time like the present.
“Sooga is a fucking idiot, for one, and I attract idiots. Second, you kinda just. Come out with it. We started off as friends before anything, and that’s now all relationships start. Course, your case is a BIT different from mine. You want my honest opinion? Just shoot your shot. I mean, worst he’s gonna say is no. Or nothing with his mute ass…”
Kohga mumbled that last part, helping himself to another sip of tea. Realizing it didn’t seem to be very helpful, he sighed.
“Or, you could cook him something. Call me old fashioned, but my mama always said the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I make mean salmon skin, look at the hunk I bagged.”
They both turned to look at Sooga, who was busy de shelling the fish alongside Sidon. Mipha pursed her little lips, before softly nodding.
“I...suppose that isn’t a bad idea at all. If I can find the courage in my heart to ask him.”
Just then, Kohga noticed Link walking alongside the princess. Small land, honestly. Kohga put his hands to the side of his face, crying out to Link.
“Yo Goldilocks! Mipha’s cookin’ tonight, you want in?!”
Link nodded, giving a thumbs up. Kohga shrugged.
“See? Easy. You just gotta be straightforward with boys.”
Mipha held her face in her hands, obviously embarrassed.
“But what do I do WHEN I make him something?! What do I say? What do I talk about with him?”
Kohga loved Mipha, really he did, but girl needed to stop seeing boys as a lynel, and more along the lines of wild horses. Something to tame, not to fear. He sighed.
“Tell you what. Me and Sooga will join you, sorta like a double date kinda deal. I’ll be there if the date goes bad, and we can dip when the date is going GOOD.”
Mipha looked up from the table with just the softest eyes you’ve ever seen.
“You...would do that, for me?”
“Course, lil red! You’re like, my favorite in the little team of goody two shoes. Plus, free eats, can’t complain-”
She suddenly got out of her seat, and nearly pounced on him for a hug. The things he did for love.
--------------------------------------------
“He here yet?”
“Not quite, but I’m just about done!”
Kohga came back a while later, alongside Sooga. Kohga had his own men helping her in the kitchen, setting up the dining room, everything she could need, Kohga helped with. Kohga scoffed as he put his gift on the dining room table (he’d be remiss if he didn’t bring something to drink for the occasion), lightly pulling up one of her fins, and scoffing.
“Okay, let the boys finish up. Sooga, get to work on this girl, she needs to focus on being as pretty as a fresh stack of banana pancakes.”
Sooga nodded, prompting Mipha to follow him to her bedroom. Kohga was about to see just what she was cooking, before the main doors flew open. Link. Aka, Goldilocks, aka, the guy that never fucking knocked. He was wearing the classic gerudo outfit. A real tits out look, and honestly Kohga would jump on that in a heartbeat.
“Goldilocks! Bit early! How you doing? Mipha will be ready in just a second, take a seat, lemme get you a drink!”
Link nodded. Kohga chatted him up for a minute, serving him a nice glass of banana wine (it’s actually VERY good). When he caught the eyes of Sooga, he pardoned himself and dipped into the hallway. He took one gander at Mipha, and gave a whistle.
“Girl look at YOU! Lookin’ prettier than a pack of opals!”
She really did look like a beauty. Freshly touched lipstick, sharpened nails, her silver jewelry replaced with gold, and instead of her usual blue sash, Sooga somehow managed to find time to make a blue, see through looking dress for her. It fit around her body snugly, but it was a loose, comfortable material, perfect for fashion, and function. Sooga was so talented, getting that together so quickly. Kohga nodded towards Link.
“Go keep him busy, gotta give this girl a pep talk.”
Sooga nodded. Once he left, Kohga carefully put his hands on her shoulders.
“Look at me. Lookin? Okay good. You like this guy, so be you. BUT, you need to let him know you’re interested. Be flirty. Touch his hands, compliment him, fucking, feed him from your plate- make it obvious. You’re a princess. He’s a knight, it’s GONNA happen.”
She nodded firmly, shoulder’s straight as a Lynel’s. 
“I can do this!”
She peered over at Link, and immediately hid behind a wall again.
“I can’t do this! He’s wearing the voe armor!”
“For the love of…”
Kohga sighed. Why did he love all these shy bitches?
“Mipha. You’re gonna make HIM drool, not the other way around. Come on, you’ve got this. I’ll be right here, I’ll make you look good as hell. On three. One. Two. Three!”
He carefully pushed her towards the dining room, and Mipha looked ready to have a heart attack. Poor thing.
“Link! It’s so nice to have you over! I hope my invitation wasn’t sudden!”
Link shook his head. Kohga, sensing things were still awkward, jumped in. He was always the fun one at parties.
“Hey, you know what, we should totally start eating! I heard Mipha made quite the spread, Sooga why don’t you help bring the stuff out?”
Sooga nodded, heading into the kitchen. Kohga gestured for all of them to take a seat (with Mipha sitting right next to Link of course), and him just a bit away from them. Close enough to be supportive, but just far enough to beat it if he was cramping their style. Soon enough, trays of food were brought in, and even Kohga had to admit, he was starved.
“Master Kohga?”
“Yes, Sooga?”
“I’m sorry.”
He was about to ask what for, but then he saw it. Fish dish. Fish dish, not a single dish WASN’T fish. And he couldn’t just NOT eat her food, less he make Mipha’s food look awful. Kohga gulped, and Mipha seemed to catch onto his distress.
“Oh Kohga, I’m so sorry, I forgot you didn’t like fish! Please, let me make you-”
“Nope!”
Kohga could feel his ass sweating. He was really gonna sit here and eat fish, because Mipha deserved it. Link looked over at him, clearly just as confused as anyone else. Kohga forced himself to chuckle.
“I mean...I HATE clam chowder. A lot. It’s gross, it’s squishy, it smells AWFUL. Unless it’s Mipha’s. I LOVE Mipha’s clam chowder! She is just. SUCH  a good cook, I could eat a whole bowl!”
Link looked him right in his face, grabbed a bowl, and filled it completely with clam chowder. He slid the bowl over to him, and Kohga wanted to throw up. That yucky, smelly smell of fish. 
“Son of a bitch..I mean, yum! Thank you, Link.”
Mipha just had to like this blonde asshole. Sooga made a motion to grab the bowl, but Kohga halted him. He was going to do this for Mipha. He took a taste of it, and he fought every urge not to puke. Dear god, the smell and the taste was awful. But he forced himself to swallow, smiling.
“See? I l-like it! So it’s GOTTA be good! Mipha is just, so talented!”
Link seemed satisfied, helping himself to a bowl. Mipha looked at Kohga, clearly worried, but he shook his head. 
“Make it up to me by getting some, Mipha.”
He muttered underneath his breath, forcing himself to eat more. Sooga had no problems, this asshole, eating fish like it was nothing. Mipha pretended like she didn’t know anything was wrong, giving her attention towards Link.
“So, Link! You’ve been over at the Gerudo desert, I take it. Urbosa is doing well, I trust?”
Kohga didn’t pay attention to the one sided conversation, too focused on handling the thick creamy broth. His stomach churned, his head hurt, and he was just. Dying. Not even Sooga could help him. He was going to bail, but he saw it in Mipha’s eyes. She was getting more nervous, and this was JUST from watching Link eat. Oh god this was a mess. He forced himself to think past the creamy mush still left in his bowl.
“So, Link, what do you think of Mipha’s new look? Nice right?”
Link looked her up and down, before giving Mipha a thumbs up. Her cheeks exploded in color, and she looked ready to just melt. Kohga tried not to gag at the fish burp he just had.
“And Mipha, thoughts on Link’s outfit?”
Mipha hesitated, letting herself get a look at him, totally not looking at that titty (atta girl), before softly nodding.
“You had it dyed white, it looks very...nice, Link. It really goes with your golden hair.”
Distracted by her thoughts, she played with a strand of his hair, before suddenly realizing what she was doing. They both looked away, buried in blush, just two, dumb, flirty messes. Oh his girl was KILLING IT. Kohga forced himself to gulp down his bowl (somehow not choking on the chunks), nearly gasping as he finished. Oh that was a mistake. That did NOT feel right. Didn’t matter, Mipha was GETTING somewhere with this guy. He whispered to her, nudging at her side.
“Offer him some of your food.”
“But? He has the same thing in-”
“Say yours is different. Just do it, trust me. Sooga! With me, kitchen, now.”
They dipped into the kitchen, and Sooga immediately handed him a bucket. Just in time for Kohga to purge his guts. Sooga patted his back, sighing.
“No one told you to finish the bowl, Kohga.”
“I am SUPPORTIVE, dammit! She deserves-”
Yet another purge of his guts. He groaned, relying heavily on Sooga to keep him upright.
“If it makes you feel better, I’m VERY proud of you. Going through so much for the sake of her happiness. You’re a wonderful person.”
“Sooga, that’s sweet, but dear god I’m throwing up here, shut the fuck up.”
Kohga was three for three, and he was wondering if it was worth it. Then he peered into the dining room. Mipha was spoon feeding him from her bowl, going so far as to scold him for his messy face, and cleaning it with a cloth napkin. It was adorable, it was sweet, and dear god was this worth it. Sooga chuckled, peering down at Kohga.
“You’re incredible, Master Kohga, letting her have this.”
“I AM pretty great, aren’t I?”
They sat there, watching them. For a moment, for a brief, sweet moment, she wasn’t shy. She was honest with herself, she was even just a bit flirty. And Link looked as if he wasn’t clueless. It was so goddamn sweet, it was worth every second of stomach pain. Kinda.
“Oh it’s coming again- he better marry this girl, or I’m starting the war all the fuck over again.”
He was complaining, sure. But he was really, honestly proud of his little Mipha. He’d do this again and again, if it meant getting to see such a sweet, happy smile.
He just prayed he didn’t have to.
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Breaking down the “leak”
It seems the leak from back in April is on everyone’s minds lately. While I don’t really see anything to suggest it is legit, there’s not really much else to talk about. I think what I’d like to do is go down the leak, bit by bit, and give my thoughts. I’ll be going through the points in the order I see them in a series of screengrabs, so it may not be the order the original post had them. A lot of this seems like it would be from a single episode, likely the first one.
The first thing I see is Steve applying to Hawkins PD, but being rebuffed for his previous vandalism in Season 1. This seems odd considering we never saw the police get involved in that. Steve being a police officer is something born out of fan theory, which further casts doubt in my mind. While it could simply be a nod to fans, it still comes off as out of place. Steve was last shown getting a new job at a video store, and we’re going to see him going for another job already?
The next bit is that Max is depressed and sees the school counselor. She has a fight with Lucas and then dumps him. Working in the school counselor from the earlier reported new characters could have been an attempt to make it seem more legit. I don’t know if that casting report was truly legit since it had more info than I’d expect. Max and Lucas fighting is not terribly surprising. Their relationship was not shown to be all that great in Season 3. Saying Max would be depressed links onto the end of Season 3, so, again, nothing too shocking. This could just be good guesswork as opposed to a leak.
Next is a new character Fred (an orphan, but more on him later) talking to Dustin. Fred tells Dustin that he believes his dad, thought to be dead, is actually alive. He was allegedly experimented on by the lab and then thrown into a mental hospital after he went nuts and killed Fred’s mom. This is a rather big piece of info for a leaker to have. The idea that there were adult test subjects was covered in the Suspicious Minds novel, so it could be a tie-in to that, but this part of the “leak” could also just be fan theories based on that same novel. I can’t see Brenner taking any chances with his work being exposed by throwing a subject into a mental hospital.
Next, we have Dustin having lunch with Nancy and Robin, while Lucas and apparent new character Eddie watch Mike be friendly with a cheerleader. If true, then Season 4 occurs immediately after Season 3, otherwise there’s no way Dustin would be in high school with Nancy and Robin. I was never too clear on what grade exactly Nancy was in, but she could potentially be a senior now. Robin had mentioned being in class with Steve though, so I would’ve thought she’d be his age. Still, it’s possible I suppose. Dustin having lunch with them seems to clash with his Hellfire Club status though, unless this occurs before he joins. One would think he’d eat with his new friends, especially if he ISN’T eating with his old friends. Meanwhile, said old friends are also split, with Lucas hanging out with Eddie and watching Mike be “friendly” with a cheerleader.
The next bit is where we’re told Dustin joins the Hellfire Club (set photos confirm this). It’s described as an elite group of nerds formed by the previously mentioned Fred. Dustin apparently is interested when they play D&D, but Lucas and Mike decline. This both clashes and fits with Season 3. Mike is bothered by Will seeming to move on from D&D, but it could still fit if Mike just doesn’t want to play without Will. Still, this seems to be building a rupture of the Party right after Season 3 showed how good they are together. Yes, it’s normal for kids their age to look to reinvent themselves, but it also goes against what the show was apparently building. Each season does have elements where there’s strife in the Party that gets resolved, but this takes it to an absurd level.
Dustin is then described as being seen as a “runt of the litter” in the Hellfire Club. That’s not really unusual treatment for a freshman in a high school club. His D&D skills and link to Robin gain him cred, apparently. This leads to him getting close to Fred. There’s not a lot here, but this “leak” does spend a lot of time on the Fred/Dustin dynamic.
Next is the “shocker” where Mike and El have a phone/walkie call that doesn’t go well. Mike is losing interest, El picks up on it. She says “I love you” and he says “I know.” Considering the level of detail on some of the other parts, this is rather brief. The exchange is verbatim Empire Strikes Back, and, while that isn’t totally out of the ordinary for this show, it makes me see it as something more fanfiction-y. The idea of them having a “meh” phone call isn’t too weird since we saw at the end of Season 3 that they were definitely not on the same page. It wouldn’t be hard for a fake leaker to come up with something like this. Should it be true, then it could spur El to go back to her possessive and distrustful ways. She may be driven to find out how to get her powers back in order to spy on Mike.
The “leak” specifically mentions there being no plans to include Chernobyl. This is an odd thing to say. I’m not sure how popular a fan theory this is, but it’d be in bad taste to work a real-life deadly disaster into a show like this. I don’t know why the person who wrote this felt the need to specifically debunk this unless they just wanted to seem more legit.
A flashback to Joyce, Hopper, and Lonnie in high school. That’s reasonable, especially since we know Lonnie is back this season in some capacity. I have no doubts that Hopper will be having flashbacks/memories during his captivity. This being believable doesn’t necessarily make this real though, as it’s another thing that’s reasonable to predict.
Despite most of the leak seeming to be from an early point in the season, the leaker goes on to say that there’s 5 major deaths (2 new characters, 3 previously existing characters), one of whom is one of the kids who dies in the final episode. Now perhaps there’s parts of the “leak” that I just don’t see in these screengrabs, but this is very odd. Prior to this is just looks like maybe someone got their hands on the first script somehow, or parts of it anyway. I don’t know how many people would be entrusted with every script, particularly the end, for this very reason. A single script getting out is at least somewhat believable, but this is where I lose any faith in this “leak.”
Finally, the leaker mentions this season taking place over the course of months, ending with the end of the Party’s freshman year. This would indeed be a change from the usual storytelling, and it would have to mean a slowly growing threat as opposed to one already striking in the first episode. That would kinda sorta work now that there’s no superpowered character to fend off the supernatural, but it would leave a lot of skipped time that I’m not sure would work in a show like this.
Will is mysteriously left out of this “leak.” There’s literally no mention of him that I can find unless there’s missing parts I don’t have. Someone who knows who dies would have something to say about Will, but there’s just nothing. It’s especially odd considering that if this is indeed the Party’s freshman year, then Will would have started school with them. The Byers don’t move until sometime in October, so Will would have spent at least a month at Hawkins High. This would also make Season 4 start with the shortest potential time skip, or perhaps no skip at all.
So, IF this leak is genuine:
There is a small, if any, time skip, with Season 4 beginning shortly after the Byers move in October.
Given the above statement, Mike must quickly lose interest in El, possibly even before their planned holiday visit.
The Party falls apart despite them all seeing how good they are together at the end of Season 3.
Max is going through depression, likely related to Billy’s death and everything else that happened (the end of S3 supports this).
Max and Lucas’ relationship gets even worse.
Mike and Lucas don’t want to be seen as nerds
Steve is still just a lost man child, or at least suffering the consequences of having been one for so long.
Robin and Nancy hang out together, and with Dustin until he joins the Hellfire Club
Will is a nonfactor, at least in the episode the bulk of this comes from?
I really have trouble believing this “leak” simply due to how the poster claims knowledge of the ending while the details all seem to be from the first episode. I suppose it’s possible they did legit get the first episode and made up some other stuff, but that seems pointless. For now, I’m just going with the idea that ANY legitimacy in this would be that it’s a real fake “leak” created by someone on the show to mislead fans or create buzz.
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dennou-translations · 4 years
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Kagerou Daze VIII: Chapter 8
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Children Record -side No.7-
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If “not forgetting” was the prerequisite for “having memories”, what was a “memory” once forgotten called?
I roamed my thoughts, not telling anyone about the “recollections” that I seemed dangerously close to losing.
The “goodbyes” that seemed to burn our chests, the miraculous “reunions”, the “future” that we’d reached our hands out to while readying ourselves for certain death – no matter how much we cherished them, it’d be a disappointment if we ended up forgetting everything.
“Forgetting” didn’t leave even loneliness behind. As if nothing had ever existed from the very beginning, the forgotten recollection would lose even the name “memory” and be gone without a trace. It was an utterly absurd story. No matter how dear our memories were to us, we couldn’t build a fence around them. We would fail to recall even the reasons to try remembering “memories” that were truly forgotten.
Right, we were there because we’d been “continuously forgetting”. By stepping over the dead bodies of memories that we couldn’t remember, we were moving forward one way or another.
That was the only thing I didn’t want to forget.
“He~y, you awake?” an insensitive voice echoed through the madder-red-dyed classroom.
Sitting in the last row next to the window and having been watching the slowly darkening diorama-like cityscape, I turned toward the owner of the voice. Illuminated by sunset glow, Ayano’s face was openly peeking at me from the seat in front of mine.
For starters, it was all too questionable that the concept of “sleep” would exist in this ambiguous world, where we were both alive and dead, so I wondered if she was joking.
No, that was suspicious. She didn’t seem to be thinking anything.
“There anyone who sleeps with their eyes closed?” as I asked rudely, I turned back to the cityscape out the window.
At the corner of my line of sight, Ayano shrank back a little. Seeing her that way, it looked to me like Ayano had started to get a slight inkling of things. I wasn’t trying to be mean to her or anything, but to be frank, I was irritated.
“C-Could it be... you’re angry at me for not going to you for advice?” Ayano asked with upturned eyes, stirring lightly in dread.
“About what?”
“Erm, like... I came over here by myself without asking for your opinion.�� Hanging her head after saying so, Ayano flickeringly peeked at my complexion.
Well, she was mostly right.
At the very least, I didn’t hate her. She’d seemed friendly with me for some reason, and it hadn’t been just one or two times that I’d watched over her studies. Of course, given that we were a guy and a girl, I thought it was appropriate for each of us to keep a secret or two from one another. But even if that much was okay, as friends, I totally thought we had a relationship where one could rely on the other and be relied on whenever we were faced with great distress.
Still, this.
Hn, well~, there sure are things about her that I’ve never heard of from the Mekakushi-dan guys! Why, she went around on her own to investigate Clearing, and dear me, all her younger siblings had superhuman abilities, so she tried to enter Kagerou Daze alone after making up her mind – the more I dig, the more bargain sales I get of stuff I was never told before.
No, it wasn’t like I was vexed that she had kept it all a secret from me, or that I wanted to know Ayano through and through, or anything of the sort. Absolutely not. It’s just that, as her friend, I felt resentment at how she had done things in a reckless way without taking herself into consideration.
When I glanced at her, Ayano reacted to my gaze and her body shrank back uneasily.
Dammit... Acting like a little puppy...!
Trying to take advantage of my conscience would get her nowhere. Who knew how badly my heart had ached because of her during these two years?
Other men might end up easily forgiving you, but Shintarou-san isn’t the kind of skirt chaser who’d yield to that. Shintarou-san’s been severe lately.
“Well, things are the way they are. Even if I judge you at this point of the game, there’s no helping them.”
How regretful. Shintarou-san does wind up easily forgiving a girl when she fidgets at him.
Perhaps thinking that I was going to scold her or something, Ayano stared blankly at me for a bit, and then gave a faint smile, looking apologetic. “You’re as nice as ever. That’s why you ended up here, Shintarou.”
“Shaddap. You’re the same as me, aren’t you?” leaving my inward gags aside, I used rude language to dodge the embarrassing mood.
My bodily sense of time told me that it had been approximately one or two days ever since I was swallowed by Kagerou Daze. Still, in an environment where I could get neither sleepy nor hungry, there was probably not much meaning in relying on body sensations.
According to Haruka-senpai, there was a huge gap between here and outside regarding the flow of time. I had a rough idea of it from listening to Hibiya talk about how “the same day had repeated over and over”, and sure enough, there was no logic or reason to it. It indeed didn’t seem like I had been wrong about this being a world removed from common sense.
“But I was really surprised. To think Shintarou would be fighting together with everyone.”
“I was the last person who could’ve imagined something like that. Working my ass off to read deep into things for someone else’s sake just isn’t like me...”
“Nope, you’re wrong. I don’t know why, but I’ve always felt that it’d turn out like this. That Shintarou would do his best to protect everyone.” Ayano added, “That’s why I couldn’t tell you anything” at the end, shying out.
So she had expected that I’d fight.
Well, it wouldn’t not be inevitable that I’d get myself involved in this as long as Momo was an Ability User, but she shouldn’t know that Momo was an Ability User in the first place. If so, I couldn’t believe right off the bat that she had anticipated things would turn out like this, since I was “someone unrelated” to her in the end.
Hm. Wait a minute. Hahaan, don’t tell me...
“Could this be consolation for a ‘non-Ability-User’ like me?”
By some sort of karma, everyone I’d been involved with in high school had become an Ability User. Yet I was the only one who was still a newborn Bambi until now. I didn’t think hatefully of that, but I wondered if she didn’t think of me as inconvenient, since I was the sole person who hadn’t gotten his hands on an Ability out of our group of four friends.
Regardless, Ayano responded to my sarcasm-mixed words by shaking her head furiously. “I-I’m serious! I saw Shintarou fighting even in my dreams!”
“Hoh, what kinda dream was that?”
“Erm. One where Shintarou was standing coolly in front of everyone and flashily defeating the boss. You were wearing a bright red full-body unitard with the sunset on your back, saying, ‘Sorry for the wait! Here’s the unmatched super hero!’ and swinging an iron ball with a chain...”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait!! What sorta perverted bastard is that?!! That ain’t related to Abilities by a single millimeter, and actually, it didn’t become true at all, did it?!”
Halfway tending to trip, Ayano, who had been imagining me swinging around an iron ball, abruptly returned to reality. “That’s true. Gee, I wonder if it was in a different dream...”
“More like, just how often have you dreamed of me...?”
It was repulsive to think that I played an active role inside her brain clad in a transformation suit of sorts. Nevertheless, Ayano herself said something spine-chilling, like, “M-Might’ve been pretty often...” with her face turning red for some reason.
“B-But y’know, there are many Eye Abilities, so it’s not weird that there’s a power like sharing a future, is it?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be surprised no matter what comes up at this point, but are you the Ability User who can see this future?”
“No way! I’m totally not that!” resolutely denying it, Ayano made an X using her arms with a smack.
“Then isn’t this theory a bust?! Don’t try to justify the version of me that’s haunting your brain. First things first, take off the unitard!”
“Eeh?! If the unitard is off, the cool part is gone...”
“Eh, then wasn’t I unnecessary from the start?”
How tiring.
Aah, I was remembering it. You’d need a huge amount of effort to talk to her; about as much as when talking to Ene. It was a meaningless conversation, almost as if we were speaking just for the sake of “speaking”... Not knowing to settle her tone down even after dying made her a terrifying fellow.
But these aren’t pointless conversations like the ones of back then, I guess.
Precisely because she had died, she had played a major role in the fight of the outside world. As proof of this, she earlier had talked about what had been concerning her for a bit.
Praying that it wouldn’t be a fruitless conversation, I opened my mouth, “Just now, you said your Ability isn’t the power to see the future, right?”
“Ah, yup. I did.”
“Then, what Ability did you get?”
Silence.
“Aah, that’s right! I had to talk about it!!” Pushing the chair with a clatter, Ayano stood up all of a sudden with vehement vigor.
“Hyan!!” and I, exceptionally surprised by it, fell backward while letting out an uncanny cry. Splendidly hit the back of my head. If this weren’t the inside of Kagerou Daze, it would’ve been an accidental homicide.
“Uwaah! Sorry, sorry! Well, about the Abilities...”
“W-Wait a minute, your tempo is too fast; at least lemme fix up the chair.” I frantically got up from the floor, putting the chair back in place with a rattle.
Just trying to have a proper conversation with her was that exhausting. Most likely, by the time she finished introducing the topic, my soul would have eroded and disappeared.
“Well, then.”
“Yeah.”
We pulled ourselves together and re-started the conversation.
“I think it’s better for me to begin explaining from the time I came to this world... to Kagerou Daze.”
“Sure. Got any confidence that you can explain it decently?”
“N-Not much, but... I’ll do my best.”
That’s the spirit. Let’s hear it.
“See, it’s about the day... when I did that thing on the rooftop.”
“W-Wait a minute. Can’t you stop talking this way? It’s too lighthearted, kinda like—”
“Geez~, and here I’d finally come up with a good explanation! Be quiet and listen!” Ayano flat and moderately hit the desk.
She was mad at me. I listened in silence.
“Right after I entered Kagerou Daze... I met a girl named Azami.”
“Azami”. The originator who had birthed the Abilities and the first victim of Clearing’s plot.
I used to have no idea about what had happened to Azami herself after she transferred Abilities to people on the outside, but this meant that she had been staying in Kagerou Daze while retaining her consciousness. I couldn’t think that Ayano would lie on purpose. If they had met, then that was probably the case.
“She was really weak. Until that point, she’d been existing as a spiritual body with the power of Stirring, which she gave to Takane-san, but then it was gone too, so it seemed she was at her limit.”
“I... see. So Enomoto became Ene after that.”
“Yep, yep. My, how can I put it...? Takane-san got a-all bright after that, huh?” Ayano seemed to be choosing her words most carefully out of respect for our senior, but as expected, the strain at the edge of her lips didn’t fool anyone.
Rejoice, Enomoto; your dear junior saw it all.
Perhaps having noticed my grin, Ayano said, “L-Let’s leave that aside” and resumed the talk, tending to tumble. “After losing her physical and spiritual body, Azami had only one power left. That was the Ability I received,” saying so, Ayano pointed at the corner of her eye.
“The last one... I also didn’t know about this.”
The “Ten Abilities” cited in Azami’s diary were mostly referenced by name. However, no matter how many times I counted, there were only nine names in it. Those nine Abilities applied to the powers residing in the people outside. In other words, the one residing inside Ayano was the Tenth Ability, which hadn’t been listed in the diary.
Tapping with the finger that was aimed at herself, Ayano spoke with slightly wavering words, “This is a bit of a weird Ability. It’s got a nature that’s a little different from the other Abilities, so to say; it’s an Ability that sprouted from Azami’s ‘heart’, like... Would you understand if I say it’s a power created from the feeling of ‘wanting to convey’?”
“Nope, don’t get it at all.”
“Thought so.” Ayano exhaled a prolonged sigh with a “haah~”.
My, you sure are doing your best for someone so bad at explaining stuff.
“Ah, that’s right. Then wouldn’t it be better if I did it like this?”
One instant.
Almost as if shaded with sunset glow, Ayano’s dark brown hair was pregnant with a dense orange color. That was the activation of an Ability, which I had witnessed countless times. Still, the “sense of pressure” that seemed to be released from Ayano’s two eyes was nearly non-existent.
“Y’see, I think it’ll probably the easiest way for you to understand if I do it like this... Can you accept it?”
Ayano’s words and the movements of her lips incited a natural nod from me.
“Thank you. Then, I’ll ‘convey’ it to you, ‘kay?”
The color that appeared to be swaying inside her irises flared up all the more intensely. Unable even to blink, I simply surrendered my body to the persuasiveness of those orbs.
“Favoring Eyes.”
I was in a dark place. There was no right, left, up or down. It wasn’t cold or hot.
It was that kind of place.
“You’ll disappear, won’t you, Azami?” a voice rang throughout the complete darkness. Even if I chased for the voice’s owner, I couldn’t find her.
And there was one more voice. It came closer as if to nestle with me, word overlapping upon word, “Yeah. I am glad I could talk to someone like you in my last moments. More than anything, I am sorry for not having been able to do a single thing for you all until the very end. Truly, I am sorry...”
“I don’t want you to cry, ‘cause I’m also holding back from doing it.”
“I-I am not crying. It was just snot that came out. Besides... my ‘memory’ has already been delivered to your heart, right?”
“Yep, it has. Azami, I’ve definitely received your ‘memory’. That’s why I’m not lonely anymore.”
“Is that so? Then I am relieved. In the future, this ‘memory’ might be useful for something. The ‘memory’ is not me but the precious ‘feelings’ I had when I was alive.”
“Really, you’re right. I can understand your ‘memory’... as if it were my own. You’ve been doing your best to live on for such a very long time, huh, Azami?”
“Ugh... hic...”
“Aah, sorry. I didn’t say it out of thinking about making you cry.”
“That’s not it; that’s not it at all. It’s just... I’ve never even dreamed that someone would say something like this to me.”
“You’re a real crybaby, Azami. It’s okay; ‘cause I-I... surely won’t forget...
“What, but aren’t you also crying?”
“E-Ehehe. We’re together on this, huh?”
Silence.
“It is already time. Lastly... I will leave this with you.”
“Egh...”
“It is my ‘heart’... the power named ‘Favoring’. It is the power to convey ‘feelings’ and ‘memories’... Surely, if it’s you...”
“Hic... u-ueeh...”
“Welcome back. Did it get properly conveyed?”
“Yeah, it did.”
The color of the classroom dyed in scarlet was unfading, softly enveloping my consciousness as I was pulled back. It wasn’t like I’d been “shown” or “told” anything, yet a memory of Azami and Ayano’s encounter found itself inside my head as if it were logical.
“Shintarou, could it be you’re crying?”
“I ain’t crying. It’s just snot that came out.”
Ayano stared at my face for a bit, and perhaps realizing the meaning of those words, she gave me a shy smile.
I started thinking about Ayano.
The environment encircling her when she was still alive was wretched to the point of making me sick. To think that she had lost her precious mother, that her father – who used to be her only foundation – went through a transformation, and that her siblings and school seniors were taken as hostages. It wasn’t the kind of story that would only go as far as making your insides boil.
And so, Ayano had jumped from the rooftop, entering Kagerou Daze through cutting her own life short. Kano had made guesses about it; that as a result of linking her mother’s notes to Clearing’s plans, she had probably thought she could hinder Clearing’s plot of “gathering Abilities to make a Medusa” if she got her hands on one of the Ten Abilities.
Through my meeting with the Mekakushi-dan guys and connecting the pasts that each of them had talked about, I had arrived to the true motives behind Ayano’s actions. I had been accompanied by inevitable rage. That was why I’d sustained myself on that rage and fought. I’d been beating the hell of out this shitty world, which had been making people like them – who were living in desperation – into fools, pushing ridiculous absurdity onto them, and trying to rob them of even their future.
And the outcome of that fight was as one could see.
There wasn’t a single means of salvation, and neither was any miracle going to happen. The plan I’d come up with through milking my brains out also hadn’t served to save everybody. There was really nothing more worthless than the fact that, if there was just one thing I could do, it was to talk to my dead friends.
Nevertheless, even if I died, even if I rotted, there was one truth that I couldn’t escape from. Outside of Kagerou Daze, the Mekakushi-dan guys were even now fighting against the enemy. Just because I’d died, there was no way I alone could put an end to it on my own accord. And it seemed I wasn’t the only one thinking so.
Ayano and I looked into each other’s eyes, and as if confirming one another’s wills, we exchanged words.
“Must keep it up until the end, huh?”
“Yeah, it ain’t over yet.”
At Ayano’s unfaltering words, I was convinced of one thing. Most likely, she and I were imagining the exact same conclusion for this battle.
In the first place, this fight had pre-existing conditions thrust into it from the beginning. The enemy was an immortal Ability itself, and the only one who could control it – the Medusa – didn’t exist in this world. So long as the enemy was immortal, if Mary didn’t turn into a Medusa and make it powerless, the Ability Users would all be brutally killed, no matter how much they ran or tried to buy time. Still, for Mary to become a Medusa, she had to draw the Abilities out of the Ability Users.
In other words, from the very start, the development where all of us would survive didn’t exist in this battle.
It was a cruel story that nothing could be done about, but it was the “reality” of this struggle. As long as we couldn’t all survive together, we couldn’t puff out our chests and claim that “we won”. And, albeit being aware of these prerequisites, everyone from the Mekakushi-dan had thrown themselves into the fight.
If only we’d managed to figure everything out sooner, faster.
It was too late for being frustrated over that or anything else at this point. Because, right now, everything had come to the moment just before the end.
Still, there was only one thing. It was a mere possibility, but there was something left in our hands. It was liable to turn out as meaningless, but if we hadn’t fought, we would never have been able to get our hands on it. Just as there was no “victory” for us in this battle, as long as we had that thing, there was also no “defeat”.
After all, the goal we carried was not to “win”.
“I left just one thing behind on the other side,” saying so, I took a cellphone out of my jersey’s pocket, put it on the desk and tilted my neck at Ayano.
“A phone? I think it won’t connect with the other side, though...”
“If you think on ordinary terms, that’s how it’d be. Except, there’re guys who ‘ain’t normal’ on the other side.”
It didn’t even serve as an all-or-nothing, and it seemed suspicious that it’d be as much as a one-in-a-million chance; that was the kind of bet it was. And even if it became true, that didn’t mean it could knock down the enemy. Simply for the sake of grasping an “extension”, I’d entrusted one last wish to that girl.
“Even if you thought it out, you normally wouldn’t do something like that.” Perhaps having understood my anticipations, Ayano gave me a strained smile.
“I might’ve stopped being ‘normal’ too.”
Seen from the sidelines, me betting my own life not for the sake of surviving or fighting, but merely for “choosing”, probably came off as an abnormality. And so, I ruminated inside my mind for our clichéd purpose, which we had decided upon in that hideout.
Our child-like objective of “not giving up on the future no matter what”.
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wordsfromafangirl · 3 years
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@cookiedoughmeagain
Saw this post.
Answered some of the questions.
Long post warning. Spoilers too for those who haven't seen the show or want to. Bare with. I did mostly answer Nathan and Duke oriented questions and there's no way I can answer those without shipper goggles on, sorry. Also, I think Haven left a lot of holes for the audience to fill in about the town. Don't know if that was intentional, but I often found myself wound up in subtext, things that could happen off screen with just those one lines, like you brought up about hijinx and illegal things Nathan might've done but we never see or really hear about.
For many of the questions concerning Vince and Dave, I just kind of assumed that half the time they were the old guys of Haven who kept its secrets and so anything they did was always suspect. They covered up the truth. They basically tried to keep their involvement a secret (all the time). Look at Vince and how he was the apparent leader of the Guard to keep troubles in check and help those (with mostly volatile and uncontrollable troubles) in need, but the Guard looked like that oppressive middle ground where they sometimes play both sides with or without Vince in charge…? Personally, Vince and Dave would be the sus people of the town. They know everything and sure when they are giving me my Haven newspaper everything seems peachy, but how far could you delude a town until it starts asking questions or rather everything implodes, and everyone just knows? Not an inner circle of people, the whole town knows now either because they were newly given a trouble or because they finally caught on that Haven was not a “normal” town. Vince and Dave are the gossipers and busy bodies but kept (dare I say) hypocritical secrets of their own? (<And this could answer the very last question about why they'd write an article if they knew, but memories were wonky that day except for knowing they found "The Colorado Kid" dead...?)
Now onto the questions that really got me curious:
5. What was Evi doing working with the Rev? Was she genuinely simply trying to help Duke, or was she working an angle? Did she know about the Troubles? What did she think the Rev’s motivation was? What were her final words (“If you don’t tell him, I will.”) about?
Honestly, this intrigued me, but I assumed Evi had to know. Didn’t she also mention something about Duke being powerful? I do not know, it has been a while since I watched it, but she had to know about the troubles. The Rev must have filled her in that Duke is a vital part of the plan but as my mind goes back to 2x09; in order to sway Duke, they could not allow Nathan to oversee anything. Nathan would stand in Duke’s way because it is someone who can convince him otherwise. Someone who would see the use of Duke’s trouble as “wrong” and uncontrollable and always try to stop him. Of course, we know there is more emotional ties between the boys that would make Duke stop and think about abusing his trouble. Or not even at this point because in 2x09 Nathan has no qualms about locking Duke up even if that meant they would (as they did) shoot Evi. Nathan could not stand the thought of Duke being injured?? I am digressing from the point, because you mention, “if you don’t tell him, I will” and that must mean she knew about the trouble(s)? She knew what Duke could be capable of, but they had to get Nathan out of the way? Literally, the Rev wanted to attempt assassinating Audrey and mostly Nathan because…that is the one person who would be in Duke’s way…in the guise of the Rev’s prejudiced mind when dealing with people who had troubles…then in the end look who Duke ends up siding with? "Just so you know I'm the lion."
6. On one of the commentaries there is talk of how Duke and Nathan got up to “hijinks” together as teenagers. WHAT WERE THE HIJINKS?
Many of their HIJINKS were probably pranks, you know. Duke would mostly prank Nathan of course and then occasionally Nathan finds himself wrapped up in one against other people. Or they are the kids riding around on their bikes (like the IT gang) and just causing a ruckus? They could be in a group. Yet I think sometimes Nathan and Duke ventured off alone…
I think if you consider off screen hijinks as teenagers it is probably why Duke acts so snubbed towards Nathan all the time. If you think about it, Duke lost a friend who would be the “bad boy” with him. Nathan turned into stuffy, stick up his butt Nathan either A. because of his trouble or B. because he had to follow in Garland’s footsteps and be a cop. It reminds me of Harmony right there at the beginning of the show, episode 3? Nathan is lying about everything, according to Duke and so he is being a Pinocchio like usual; not a real boy, which is also in reference to “his condition” of feeling no pain/nothing. And it is probably because Nathan was a “bad boy” and the only one who keeps that information in confidence is Duke. Nathan wants to keep it that way. Duke never really tells anyone anything and truthfully, he just likes fucking with “law-abiding” Nathan. Duke of course misses those times when they were teenagers just messing about and getting heckled by Garland, but maybe once or twice getting cuffs slapped on them only to be let go an hour later? Sooner or later, Duke would see that shift. Nathan would start becoming interested in law enforcement and Duke seeks a path towards smuggling/criminal activity. Duke is the only one being arrested by the time they are 17-30 and sometimes it is by Nathan (small head canon: Duke does it on purpose. He is an attention seeker and hell if he does not like Nathan putting him in handcuffs). Then suddenly Duke has up and vanished for a little while (guessing from 30 to 35ish? Or some time frame shorter). Nathan would lie about missing him, but because his trouble was activated how does Nathan really know? He just knows, but never admits it, hence the whole love/hate game we get between them when Duke does come back.
24. In Harmony Duke says something to Nathan about “does she know the things you’ve done?” - implying that when they were younger Nathan did something illegal and/or possibly immoral that Duke knows about (because he was also involved?) but most people (or at least, Audrey) don’t. WHAT THINGS?
Primarily? IT’S LOOKING THE OTHER WAY WHEN DUKE DOES SOMETHING ILLEGAL. It is essentially just being there as a participant while Duke breaks and enters? Or being there while Duke is smuggling something because I venture to think that business started early on for Duke. 18ish and onward? It is giving Duke a pass once, twice, three times and more. Nathan cannot be mad at Duke. Then there is maybe those few times is it was Nathan picking the lock. It was Nathan doing something illegal and Duke of course did not care. He would look the other way or help him along. This is something that would always stay between Nathan and Duke, which is why I think the relationship is so rocky. Duke is holding secrets that could jeopardize Nathan’s “law abiding” reputation and he never once tells a soul, right? This is a testament to loyalty and how neither of them hates each other. Of course, for me, from space they can be seen as exes. The on and off type of relationship because Duke’s smuggling business got in the way or as I think of it, Nathan got so tired of Duke being sort of unchanging that he would break it off and then suddenly he had run back to Duke, hop on the boat and beg to be taken back. Duke would chuckle and take him back. Was this secret? Or did the whole town see it? Most likely people knew, even Garland. Not so sure Simon approved, but somehow while their relationship was fucked up and Simon ends up dying, I don't think Duke necessarily sought his approval on anything? Truthfully, his feelings for Nathan were his business alone and Nathan mostly felt the same way so who cares?
26. What’s Duke’s side of the story about the fishing trip when Nathan’s Trouble got triggered?
Duke knows he fucked up.He used Nathan as a distraction while some illegal procedures were happening underneath his nose. Nathan thinks oh well maybe I still have a friend, because they’re probably in the middle of their: “Oh, seriously, Duke. Put your hands behind your back.” “Oh, come on Nathan, can you just this once not.” Too late. Nathan grabs his wrists and puts his hands behind his back. Duke feels the familiarity of handcuffs and smirks his whole to Nathan’s Bronco. Ironically.
If I track it right Nathan’s trouble was triggered on this fishing trip before Duke left Haven right? So therefore, this was probably to make amends? It might have been that good old let us just actually hang out as friends (or more…because my brain goes there) but it turns out I need you as my cover while shady shit goes on in town. Nathan finds out. They fight. It triggers the trouble. And presumably Duke feels so guilty and thus he decides to leave. Or he had already decided and did not know how to tell Nathan on the fishing trip, but part of leaving and getting out of dodge meant also doing some smuggling for parts, money etc.
35. Wouldn’t Nathan have recognised Duke in The Colorado Kid photo? (Especially given that he would very probably have seen the photo when he was a kid?) And wouldn’t he have told Audrey that from the beginning?
Everyone’s memory was effed up right? So perhaps Nathan did not remember? Though, you are right. Nathan would have recognized him. Would he have told Audrey? Not so sure, because Nathan would be in that battle inside his head. How far can I trust Audrey? I immediately liked her. Duke does too. That should mean she is great. But Duke is kinda sorta my friend…my ugh whatever, tell him or do not tell him? Imagine Nathan knowing about the photo before Duke reveals to Audrey that it is him…and so Nathan is sitting in his house waiting for coffee to cool off and contemplating…I could tell Audrey. It is crucial information, and I don’t know why Duke isn’t saying anything? Is there a reason? Should I talk to him first? Then at one point he just gives up and lets Audrey continue playing detective in hopes Duke would just fess up. For me, Nathan is in a constant battle of loyalty when it comes to Duke and Audrey, but when he realizes that Duke cares just as much about Audrey...(okay, we're not talking about threegulls and the relationship that is the three of them...)
23. Were there ever any female Crockers? If there were, would they have had the same curse?
Hey! There is a female Crocker isn’t there? Or does she since she cannot even be near Dad at all, inherit the trouble of the dock worker only? Whose name slips my mind. But I venture to think that Duke’s blood would overcome that, but the baby had life draining powers because that was the trouble of the dock worker. Baby after baby only to suck the life out of the father like some metaphorical siren.
Personally, I always think that if the babies survive and we know she did, then I think by the time she’s a teen all life draining powers would just go away [because I assume that’s the curse, never being able to keep the baby but the baby doesn’t get the full curse; however what about duke’s trouble [at this point is his trouble is inactive like a volcano, but can it still be passed on? Volcanoes sit there and stew so the genetic thing of the trouble must still be there…isn't it implicated that families still have the trouble but can go on without it being activated?]…anyway, Duke’s blood is taking over and she finally realizes something funky is going on so she searches out her father because Nathan made sure to tell the adoption services that any parents who fosters or even adopts her down the road they should tell her that her real father is out there and he did not, would not just abandon a baby (even if it happened in real time and not some sped up sci-fi version).
Basically, in any version (in my head) of the Crocker bloodline, Duke is probably the first to have a girl and yes she'd get the same trouble, because imagine a badass woman who looks like Duke manage the Crocker trouble (the eye thing). It seems to me though that it was bloodlines/legacy that stuck with men because apparently boys were it in the Crocker family. And many other families seemed that way too. Some troubles seemed bound by legacy born from the men and carried on, etc. I like to think that Duke subverted all that shit. And funny enough, his trouble went away at one point, but I think if there were ever any female Crockers? If there were, would they have had the same curse? If there were that baby girl could have still had it. Meaning his fate could have been different if they played an angle of that daughter coming back into the story. Someone else who had Duke’s trouble and then of course, it would turn into a reason for Duke to live (still bitter because I’m being biased as to who is my favorite in the Haven world). Imagine juxtaposition story lines of Dwight and Duke fighting… Duke: “She’s my daughter!” Dwight: “Well, that’s my daughter too!” Then they would both just take a deep breath and realize they are fighting on the same side.
Okay, so I am blowing smoke with an answer to this question but really, I see it and go, damn, I wish we could have seen more of Duke being fatherly. I mean we got the pirate episode of him taking care of that young girl who could manipulate your will, but honestly, Duke raising a kid…
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Much of this may not be an answer at all. It's head canon really, because often with Haven I felt like I had to fill in experiences of the characters. Mostly did so with Nathan and Duke, individually and then together. However, there's something about this show, because questions always pop up even when you revisit it. Like wait a minute? What? Was this intentional? How in the world did this happen? Sure, we'll just accept some things even if it's strangely abnormal to the plot, but after all it's Haven.
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