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ginsakatoki · 2 years

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Heeeey, welcome to DMC fandom! Can I request general relationship headcanons for DMC boys? Just some fluffy stuff, like what kind of dates they are into, what kind of partner each of them are, into PDA or not, etc. But it's all up to you :)

Thanks in advance!

Hey there! I’ve actually been lurking in the fandom for a couple of years and only recently decided to write about it. Thank you for this request and enjoy!

gif by @rainbow-cadenza

• I mentioned in a previous headcanon of mine that despite his loud personality, Dante is actually a shy lover. By this I mean: at first Dante will take quite a long time to acknowledge and address his feelings and even more to actually ask you out. You’ll need to be patient with him because he’ll shamelessly flirt as a joke but get flustered if you flirt back. Or expect you to understand that if he is standing next you in a specific way, he’s flirting for real and not joking.

Expert at not taking the hint. He’s used to people and things wanting to kill him so there is no way you’re interested in him that way, right?

He’s a weird unblended mix of an experienced womanizer and a teenager that has no idea what he’s doing.

It will be awkward at first not gonna lie.

When you manage to become a couple though, it becomes much much easier. All of a sudden all those weird moments and interactions vanish and the relationship starts flowing like you’ve always been by each other’s side.

Dante would want to go out on a date at least once or twice a week. He’s one of those guys that pretend not to want to be around their S/O all the time, but actually do. (He acts like a sad puppy when he doesn’t).

That said, due to his lack of money, he would prefer simple dates over anything else. A walk in the park, window shopping or cheap dates like cinema and bowling.

He’s a sucker for mundane things. His life is full of adrenaline rushes and violence so he truly cherishes the few moments of daily life he gets. This, however, doesn’t mean he’ll just settle for calm activities. He would definetely drag you to an amusement park at least once to go on rollercoasters.

If you don’t handle scary stuff well, be ready because he’ll force you to go to haunted houses or watch horror movies just so you can cling to him and tease you about it.

He’s a really fun partner to be with and he feels more like a friend you can go on adventures with than a safe home to return to.

He’s very protective of his loved ones so if you were ever in a pinch, he would come help you out any way he can. He’s not very book smart though, so you might not want him to help you with your studies.

His love language is physical touch so he loves, and i mean, loves PDA. He doesn’t care if other people are staring, let them be. If he wants to kiss you, he will. If he wants a hug, he’ll get it. No questions asked.

When walking in public he always has his arm around your shoulders, hips or holding your hands. He wants to feel you by his side, especially since he never knows whether it might be your last.

When holding hands, he runs small circles on the back of your hand with his thumb. It feels very intimate to him.

He adores kisses. Mouth, forehead, cheeks, neck, hands, wherever. He loves it.

Speaking of kisses, he is very intense when he kisses you. His lips will blend on yours stealing your breath away and he’s greedy, so he’ll always ask for more.

"Just one more… No no that didn’t count, one more"

Cuddles on the sofa are a must. He is a literal human heater so he’ll gladly warm you up in winter.

If you tend to have cold hands or feet he will warm them up for you but you have to warn him first.

That one time you put your cold feet on his legs without telling him first he literally screamed.

gif by @CAPCOM

Vergil is a cold and diffident man. It will take him a long time to trust you and if he develops feelings for you, he’ll be in denial for the longest time. When he accepts his feelings, however, he won’t act on them and would consequently become grumpier with everyone. There would be a huge contradiction between what he feels and his behavior.

He might look at you like he wants to kill you and be thinking that you look very pretty with the clothes you’re wearing, for example.

His inner struggle wouldn’t really be caused by a disgust for feelings rather his intrusive thoughts take control and start sabotaging him. For example he might believe that no one would ever love him so he isn’t allowed to love anyone. Or that he doesn’t deserve happiness because of all the pain he’s inflicted on others.

He would start ignoring you and crave your presence. If he saw you at Devil May Cry, he would go the other way but stay close enough to be able to see you.

Things would change if you asked him if he hates you. It is obvious to him that the answer is no and that his behavior is clearly misguiding you so he would try to be around you more.

Communication about feelings with Vergil is complicated so it seems unlikely that he’d confess them and get into a relationship. It’s more likely for you two to slowly get closer to each other until you both realize you’ve been acting like a couple without explicitly saying so.

It starts with Vergil always be around for one reason or the other.

“That seems heavy, I’ll take it for you.”

“I just had a commission nearby, that’s all.”

“Didn’t know you would be here” “Vergil… I work here”.

He gets so flustered it’s cute. He turns away immediately though, so you never truly see him blush.

Like Dante, he likes mundane life so he loves walking around the city with you, going to theatres and museums and, obviously, visiting libraries and bookshops.

He doesn’t speak much but he listens to everything you say and remembers every little thing. There’s a book you mentioned you like? He reads it and tells you his opinion. There’s an event you keep forgetting about? He reminds you of it, and so on.

His love language is complicated to pinpoint. I’m pretty sure he loves physical touch but, being the touch starved man he is, too much of it would make him short circuit. Same with words of affirmations. He grew up surrounded by hate so loving words are new to him, they would make him feel vulnerable and he hates that.

It would take a lot of trust and time but he would learn to love cuddle time on the sofa or on the bed. He would even find comfort in laying on you and hearing your heartbeat.

Vergil as a partner would show his vulnerability to you and you only once he truly trusts you as in: he will allow himself to cry in your presence, but don’t expect him to allow you to see him cry. He will hide his face on your shoulder or keep his back turned on you.

Besides his hurtful past and his feelings, Vergil worships you. You see in his eyes how much he cares for you, suddenly his grey eyes don’t seem so cold anymore. His touches are very light and delicate like he’s afraid to hurt you.

Not his kisses. He usually has a lot of self control around you, but when he kisses you it all vanishes. They’re deep and passionate, like he’s trying to merge his soul to yours, and will hold you impossibly close. Because they’re so intense, kisses with Vergil aren’t that common and they definitely don’t happen in public.

PDA is a big no for Vergil. What’s between you two is no concern for other people and, as such, it must stay indoors. He will allow you to hold his hand or circle your arm around his but he won’t initiate.

Overall Vergil is a man you’ll need a lot of patience with but he will make sure you feel as loved as he feels.

gif by @BlinchixOfRivia (Tenor)

Out of the three Nero is the most normal when it comes to relationships. If he’s interested he will show it, spend time with you and ask you out on a date. He’s pretty straightforward and honest so you really won’t have problems understanding if he likes you or not.

He’s had experience in relationships before with his ex-girlfriend Kyrie (they’re still on good terms) so he knows how to act around a lover and is not the least worried about his feelings.

Despite acting and looking like a punk, Nero has a clean and mostly sorted out inner world. He has his good amount of issues, obviously, but at least he isn’t as emotionally constipated as his father and uncle.

When in love, Nero smiles and laughs much more than usual which makes his interest pretty obvious.

He has a specific tone he only uses with his S/O and I think that’s beautiful. It’s not really a puppy or lovesick one but his normally gruff voice becomes gentler and his words soft-spoken.

Nero would most likely enjoy going on interactive dates like cinema, concerts, skating or paintball.

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT go to watch horror movies with this man. He might be a devil hunter but he’s terrified of ghosts. He will scream the girliest scream you’ll ever hear and tell everyone it was you.

Dates with Nero are pretty frequent and spontaneous, but he’d like to go on a fancy date either once every two weeks or once a month. He likes eating good food and wants to spoil his partner.

During normal dates he probably takes the two of you to eat at Taco Bell or something.

He’s not exactly romantic or one for cliches so you’ll never see him serenade you or buy you flowers, but he’ll always show he cares in his way. For example he will always bring you a snack at work or help you clean your apartment.

His love languages are acts of service and quality time. He isn’t the best with words and physical touch is pretty neutral to him.

He doesn’t mind PDA, he’ll honestly go with the flow. If you like PDA he will drap an arm around your shoulders, hold you close to him and occasionally kiss your forehead. If you don’t, he’ll just hold your hand or pinky finger.

Inside jokes. A lot of inside jokes. People might say something about shoes and you’d start laughing for apparently no reason after throwing a look at each other.

He gives the best hugs, whenever you’re sad or not feeling well he just grabs you and hugs the problem away. You’re actually surprised by how well it seems to work everytime.

Being in a relationship with Nero means having Nico tease you all day, all week. They’re a 2 for 1 deal. You might be casually speaking or joking that she would come out from nowhere and tell you to go get a room.

Arguments with Nero happen pretty often because he has a short temper. However you found a nice way to end them quickly: pillow fights. Whenever you see that you’re having a disagreement you both grab a pillow and start hitting the other while stating out one of the reasons you are right. The one who wins the pillow fight, wins the argument.

Obviously, if it’s about an important matter, you’ll be responsible and talk it out as calmly as possible.

Some people see your relationship as childlike or teenage-like but it’s really healthy and it works for you, plus they don’t know how serious both of you can be about it.

Kisses with Nero are always surrounded by giggles, for some reason. You have so much fun with each other that even kisses can’t seem to be serious.

One of your favorite activities together is playing videogames. You once showed him Mario Kart and now he’s obsessed. Every Sunday you must have a Mario Kart tournament or he will get grumpy.

You’re the only person he doesn’t mind losing to.

Thank you for reading this, let me know what you think about it! I ended up writing a lot about this lol.

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aisyl-is-anon · 2 years

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zhongli with you

a/n: I KNOW! i know i said id write fluff but I CANT. my mind dont work that way. pls take some delicious geo zaddy angst instead :(. (i’ve always liked the thought of an immortal falling in love with a mortal. its so sad.)

cw: angst heheh.

these days, zhongli has found pleasure in sharing the afternoon sun with you, sipping on flower teas and relaxing.

he likes that there’s no need for talk, that just the presence of each other is enough to fill the space.

he forgets his past with you, but at the same time you harshly remind him that he is the only one fated to ‘forever’.

day by day, he increasingly begins to worry about your future. your future with him.

because he already knows he wants to spend the rest of your life with you. he knows he want to be by your side until your last breath.

he also knows that as you grow older and begin to develop white hair and signs of aging, he will be the same.

the same as now, and the same as a hundred years ago. he’s afraid he will stay the same even when you are just another memory.

and he’s scared that as he remains unchanged, you will slowly fade away from his mind, like dust being blown away by the wind.

he wants to imprint in his mind the way your laugh gets all high and tinkly when you’re giddy, and the way you brush your hair behind your ear, or the way you gently hold the teacup and the smile that reaches your eyes when you enjoy it.

zhongli absolutely despises the idea of losing these treasures to time.

he loves you.

he loves you so much.

so much so that he begins to hurt at the thought of being left without you. some of his nights are spent on the lonely mountains overlooking the harbour, silently letting the grief run out through his eyes. other times, he’s with you, maybe as you sleep, and he’s watching the rise and fall of your chest while hoping that it will never stop.

its always in the darkness that he always lets the overwhelming sadness take over.

during the day, when the world is aglow, he is happy because you’re laughing and he’s happy because he is by your side. you erase his throbbing heart and aching mind. you soothe his worries away.

zhongli wants to cling on to you, to ask you to stay and never leave him and hold his hand always.

but he doesn’t.

because he doesn’t want to break your heart and then make you lie.

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bloodblanks · 10 months

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creepypasta matchups

for anonymous ♡ thank you for commissioning me!

i barely hit 5’0” and have wavy dark brown (almost black) hair that reaches a little past my shoulders. i have brown eyes, and a few small sunspots on different parts of my face. as for my build, i’m a bit chubby and curvy. what i wear varies on the weather but no matter what, my outfit will always include at least one article of black clothing (my mom complains that everything i wear is black). i wear casual dresses or shorts with thin cardigans in the summer, but usually my go-to outfit is just a plain or graphic t-shirt tucked into jeans, with a cute belt on. people often mistake me for being 5’4” because i’m always wearing my platform boots. i also have a vast collection of cute earrings. i’m definitely introverted. i wouldn’t really call myself shy, just quiet and reserved if you don’t know me that well. i have anxiety, which can cause me to come across as awkward in my first few interactions with a person. however, once you get to know me and we’re close, i’m very chatty and am happy to joke around, talk about my interests or listen to yours, or hear you vent and give advice! i’m pretty social with my close group of friends, but i do still have days where i would prefer to have minimal interaction with people and just have some alone time. i’m a pushover, not gonna lie. i can’t stand conflict, so i’m a pretty big people pleaser, and will do almost anything i can to make things right, even if i’m not the one who made them wrong in the first place. however, this means i bottle things up and can be really passive aggressive. i canNOT hide my emotions and wear them all over my face. whether i’m super excited about something or pissed off, you’ll know, even if i don’t want you to. in my free time, i like to read, write, play video games, and watch anime! i’ve adored fantasy and sci-fi stuff since i was little, so those are my go-to genres whether i’m reading or writing. for video games, i mostly play RPGs like pokemon or kingdom hearts, or mobile gacha games, but i also play cod zombies a lot. i also have an absurd amount of hours in animal crossing. i enjoy decorating stationary, too, like notebooks or designing monthly calendars! some miscellaneous info: in college, i’m double majoring in creative writing and computer science. i can be VERY competitive in both board/party games and academics. i can pace and zone out while listening to music for HOURS if left alone. i also infodump a lot and for long periods of time if you don’t stop me.

author's note: this work will contain dark content. please read at your own discretion.

this is a paid commission. if you are interested in commissioning me for a creepypasta matchup, don’t hesitate to send me a dm!

eyeless jack

jack remembered you from back in college. the two of you never really talked, you weren’t even in the same department—he studied medical sciences—nor were you in the same year, but he had seen you around campus a few times and distinctly remembered you as attractive. he had always considered talking to you, but before he had the opportunity to, calamity struck, and he became a flesh-eating demon.

his memories of you soon faded into the distance, and he had nearly forgotten about your existence when he saw you again on an empty street at dusk. he instantly recognized you, and from there, he silently followed you home, watching you from afar.

it was just curiosity at first, a hint of nostalgia perhaps, but quickly it developed into something far darker, far more sinister.

the first thing he noticed was your looks, particularly your size. he liked how small you were. he’s grown quite a bit since college, what with being a demon and all, and he loved the idea of the size difference between the two of you. he didn’t have much of an opinion on your hair colour, though he liked the waves. he couldn’t see them too well from outside your window, but he did take note of your sunspots, finding them beautiful.

jack paid close attention to what you wore, and he had discovered a few things. namely, that platform boots looked good, and summer dresses with thin cardigans were exceptionally attractive on you. additionally, he liked that you wore earrings, and he’d remember all the different ones.

he was ecstatic to find out what you did in your spare time and just how much you had in common. he didn’t think the majority of people read anymore, let alone wrote, so it was a more than pleasant surprise to find out that you did. what was even better was that you liked the same genres as him. it was particularly delightful to him that you wrote, and he couldn’t help but read them in secret while you weren’t home.

he also quite liked video games and anime himself, especially kingdom hearts. he used to play a fair amount of cod zombies when he was younger, and even a bit of pokemon though he didn’t like it as much as other games. still, he found it relaxing to watch you play, in particular, animal crossing.

jack enjoyed watching you decorating stationary, but what he even liked more was taking them, having stolen one of your notebooks for himself, leaving you to wonder just how in the world you had lost it.

something jack really liked about you was that you were introverted. he, too, was an introverted person, not exactly shy either, but just not up for being around others constantly, and he found it relieving that you were the same way. still, he saw the way you interacted with your friends, and he longed for the day when you would act the same way with him.

he had mixed feelings about how passive you were. on the one hand, he hated how hard you tried to please others, especially how you’d act as a complete pushover for them when they clearly weren’t worth the effort or energy. on the other hand, that was exactly how he wanted you to be, just that he wanted it only for himself.

jack was good with being able to read people’s feelings, but he liked how obvious yours were; it made you all the more vulnerable to him. he also noticed that you could be passive-aggressive, though he didn’t think it’d be a problem for him.

he had also observed you pacing around, zoning out for lengthy periods of time, and it always made him curious as to what exactly you were doing or thinking about. he wanted so badly to know every thought on your mind.

sometimes the people around you would find out that you had much to say on certain topics. they wouldn’t always listen to everything, but jack would. he would mentally record each and every word you said. the majority of the time, he found the topic just as fascinating as you did. even if it was information he already knew, he realized that he liked it more after hearing you talk about it.

jack wanted you for himself; that much was clear. the only reason he hadn’t done it yet was because he wasn’t sure how to go about it.

he knew that you were in college, even double majoring, which he found rather impressive. however, he wasn’t well versed in terms of computer science himself. he admired the amount of effort you put into your studies and your dedication. he also found it cute how competitive you could be. as someone who went to college himself, though he didn’t finish it, he understood the value and importance of it to you.

and so he had a hard time deciding what to do with you. the monstrous side of him sought to simply rip you from your life, taking you away from everything that you’d known so that you could be his and his alone. however, he didn’t want you to be unhappy. he liked you so much partially because he thought the two of you would be good together, and forcing you into it would ruin the point.

ideally, you would be able to continue your studies while being with him, and so he decided that he would take you, bring you to him as gently as possible, carefully coax you into a life with him. hopefully, then, you will be able to resume your studying without a problem.

however, if nothing he did worked, or if you caused him to fear your escape, he’d give in to his impulses and decide your fate for you.

#creepypasta #creepypasta reader insert #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #creepypasta nsft #creepypasta smut #yandere creepypasta #creepypasta matchup #eyeless jack #eyeless jack x you #eyeless jack smut #eyeless jack x reader #eyeless jack creepypasta #yandere eyeless jack #eyeless jack hc #eyeless jack headcanon

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the-little-moment · 2 months

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Febuwhump Day 8: Love Sees Not with the Eyes

Prompt: Why Won't It Stop?

Words: 630

Warnings: Medical Trauma

Focus: OC Imperial Senna and Imperial Crosshair

Senna tapped her access code into the panel and stepped into the darkened room. “It’s me.”

The sniper raised a hand in reply. She walked over to his bed and looked down at the white bandage wrapped over his eyes, a grimace of sympathy flickering across her face. “How do you feel?”

Crosshair grunted. “The same.”

Senna sat down on the edge of the narrow bed with a sigh, feeling the metal frame through what the army considered a mattress. “Have you slept?”

“Not much else to do.”

“I know. I’m sorry I can’t just stay with you.”

He snorted, “No, you’re not.”

“Sure, I am. I could really use a nap.”

The corner of Crosshair’s mouth quirked up in a faint smile. He didn’t need to see the doctor to know the expression her face wore at that moment. He’d memorized her a long time ago. “I’ll trade with you.”

“Yeah, right.” Senna stifled a groan as she cracked her neck. Crosshair felt the mattress shift as she leaned to touch her toes. “I shudder to think of you running the hospital.”

“Can’t be that hard if you do it,” he said, perhaps a touch saltier than he would have if he hadn’t been trapped blind in this room for two days. But he knew how far he could go with Senna.

“Crosshair," the doctor asked conversationally. He could hear her left eyebrow raising, “Why do I keep you around?”

“You’d be bored without me. Surrounded by regs.”

Senna rolled her eyes, realizing belatedly that the gesture was wasted on him. “Some of my favorite people are regs, dear.”

“You’ve always had rotten taste,” the sniper smirked.

“Mm, that’s the real reason why I keep you around.” Senna took one of the hands he had folded across his stomach, her smile growing bitter as she studied his bandaged face. “I’m sorry this is happening again.”

After a moment, Crosshair responded tiredly, “Are they ever going to stop?”

“I—they should have.” The doctor sighed in frustration. “You know I wasn’t informed about a lot of the procedures you and your brothers underwent back then. I’ve looked through your records, but some of the experimentation is still classified. If I could get my hands around Se’s neck, I’d make her tell me.” Crosshair squeezed her hand gently and she realized that she’d raised her voice.

“I’m so sorry. I can’t stand not being able to fix this. Without knowing what was done, I don’t want to muck around and maybe make things worse.” Senna sighed deeply, shoulders slumping. “I’ve got you on a different antibiotic now, in case you’ve developed a resistance, and it should work like they always do. I just wish I could prevent it from ever happening again.”

“It’s alright.”

She snorted softly at the lie. “Of course. Just like everything else.” A chime sounded from her wrist comm then. “I’m sorry, Cross. I have to get back, but I’ll bring dinner later.” Senna squeezed the sniper’s hand as he nodded. He had such beautiful hands, she thought, running her thumb over his knuckles. Looking down at his still face, she couldn’t make herself stand just yet.

She was surprised when, after a beat, he sat up and embraced her.

Ever since he’d been little, Crosshair had been less willing than the others to let her touch him, rarely initiating contact. Senna’s chest tightened, realizing how much they had been through to bring him to this, wanting to hold her. She wrapped her arms around his back and pulled in a deep breath. How awful to think that he might be as scared as she was.

Senna thought he would let go immediately, but the sniper seemed reluctant to release her. “You’re making it really hard to leave,” she whispered, tucking her face against his collarbone.

“Good.”

I wrote this last year as a chapter in a bigger fic, but decided it didn't fit. I know the idea has been done to death, and I don't actually think Crosshair has frequent eye infections. In fact, my headcanon is that his modifications, and those of the others, were mostly made at a genetic level before they were decanted, instead of through surgeries later on. It just makes more sense to me considering the kind of science the Kaminoans were known for.

#star wars the bad batch #clone force 99 #the bad batch fanfiction #star wars oc #tbb crosshair #dr divehdi #the little moment writes #febuwhump2024 #febuwhump day 8

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vessel-full-of-stories · 8 months

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I’ve done a couple of character breakdowns in the past – to varying degrees – covering Buck, Eddie, Maddie, Chris, and Abby. I also went into detail about their personal love languages and how they have influenced their relationships / evolved over time.

Now it’s Bobby’s turn.

This will not be like my regular breakdown in the sense that I have so much to say that I cannot bring myself to put it all into one post. (Even this one got super long, I'm so sorry.) Instead, I will be breaking it up over several posts because it’s not just Bobby I want to talk about. It’s his relationship with Buck and the supposed “father-son” relationship the show has attempted to establish. (And my frustration with it.) To do this properly, it takes evidence. And evidence takes time to dissect. So I’ll post it in shorter (ha), easier to digest chunks. Hopefully, it’s all legible.

So let’s start from the beginning.

It’s the first season. The introduction. Individual wants, personal struggles, and character dynamics are established (minus Eddie because he’s still in Texas) to get us, the audience, to come back and continue to watch their growth and development.

At the start of the series, Season 1 Episode 1, Robert Wade Nash has been Captain at the 118 for roughly 18 months (a year and a half). 5 years previous, a fire he blames himself for killed 148 people, including his wife and two children, Marcy, Bobby Jr, and Brook. We are told Brook would have been 13 years old in Season 2, so she was 6 or 7 when she died, Bobby Jr around the same age range (both preteens).

In the time between the fire and joining the 118, Bobby was not a Captain. He was a broken, guilt-ridden alcoholic – attempting to drink himself to death – on forced leave after the Deputy Chief covered for him (saving him from 148 counts of manslaughter). It’s likely he took pity on Bobby. He knows how hard the job is, admits to knowing a number of firefighters that are alcoholics. He could want to keep it low because he doesn’t want it to look bad on the department. He could also sympathize because this all started when, another 5 years previous to the fire (roughly 11 ½ years before Episode 1), Bobby broke his back on the job. And that’s what started everything.

That was his first introduction to highly addictive painkillers, which he often took with alcohol to heighten their effect. It was something that put strain on his marriage, his life, his duties as a father and a firefighter. His children were toddlers when it all started, which might add to his fatherly projections onto others and his struggles with the idea of fatherhood. It’s not just about how he lost his children, but how he treated them while they were alive.

He went to rehab for years but just 10 months before the fire (after 4-5 years of struggling), he fell again. He hurt his back again, and was prescribed pain killers again. This time, when he ran out of pills, he would look for anything and “everything” to replace it, an assortment of drugs being added on top of everything he struggled with before.

His wife, Marcy, knew (and his son, but not to the same extent. He could just see something was wrong.) but didn’t know how bad it truly was. She tried to love him through it. To remind him of how he was missing family moments every time he disappeared. She’d beg him to stay when he would insist on going on his “walks.” He never got to earn his wife’s forgiveness when she finally confronted him about it. The last words he heard from his kids were them begging him for help. His last words to his wife was him begging her not to go. He had to lie to her that the kids were safe, just so she could die peacefully, and when she assured him she never lost faith that he would save them, he finally broke, understanding just how thoroughly he had destroyed everything.

One night at a bar, while reviewing the incident report of the fire, he’s finally close enough to death that he imagines he’s back with his family. He cooks a wonderful meal for them, listens to his kids play, kisses his wife, and they all gather for dinner. Everything he used to skip. Before the alcohol can take him, he’s revived and all he has is hatred and resentment in his eyes for the paramedics and the Deputy Chief who cover for him, once again.

When he goes through rehab this time, things are different. His perspective has changed, and Step 8 takes on a new meaning. Instead of just making a list of the people he’s harmed to make amends with them, he buys a pocket book with exactly 148 slots to fill.

Now, Bobby is a deeply religious man. He prays, goes to confessions, and knows the consequences of suicide within his religion. However, he feels this is the only way to clear his ledger. He thinks he can make this deal with God, and earn this one wish. At just 6 months sober, he begs the Deputy Chief to take him off desk duty. He wants to be out in the field and start filling in the slots as soon as he can. He is determined and energized, with his sole focus being his eventual death so he can finally see his family again. It’s what he wants more than anything.

The Deputy Chief hesitates, straightforward about absolutely no one in the area trusting him to have their backs. So, Bobby suggests a transfer. Anywhere, just let him work so he can “balance the books,” and “attone” for the 148 lives he took “in his own way.” He agrees. 6 months later, Bobby finds himself in California, leading the 118. It’s a hell of a culture shock and it definitely takes him a minute to adjust, but he does. And he likes it. But, there lies the problem.

In the joy of his first calls at the 118, he punishes himself by lying to his old sponsor, going to the bar, and having a drink, breaking his 1 year sobriety. Confiding in a local priest, Bobby argues that he doesn’t deserve good days anymore, that he doesn’t get to forget and just go on living. It’s the priest who tells him that if he wants to help people, he needs to take his 1 year chip and earn it back.

He keeps working and restarts his sobriety. He goes to church often, talking with his priest who knows everything about Bobby’s situation and doesn’t judge, just listens and even jokes with him. He tells him about Freddie (the future season 2 bomber) calling him a liar. The priest tells him he is a hypocritical liar who lies a lot, according to Bobby’s own admission. And they laugh. Then, he asks about how honest he is with his team. While Bobby feels like his baggage would cause them to lose faith in him, the priest tells him he doesn’t have to tell them everything about his past for him to show them who he is.

So, he shows them the man he dreamed of being to his family. By cooking. He is friendly and present and a good leader, and when he’s finally honed his “rusty” cooking skills enough, he establishes the station’s tradition of family dinner. The station becomes a bright place with real unity and familial bonds, even if Bobby still keeps to himself as he fills in his book. By Bobby’s one year sobriety, Buck joins the station and 6 months after that, the show begins.

Because of everything that happened in his past, Season 1 sets up with Bobby having lost:

1) his personal connection with God/ his religion,

2) his will to live beyond repaying his debt, and

3) his desire to make deep, emotional connections with other people

These are what he is set to overcome in 10 episodes (crazy, I know) but they are not one and done. That is not how life works. Struggles/insecurities/relapses can come back and we will go into how they do in later seasons, but for now, let’s focus on Season 1.

Because he is progressing in so many ways throughout the season, it’s kind of hard to break down one thing without seeing how the other two are also influencing it. So, let’s take this episode by episode. (Again, so sorry.)

1x01:

The show starts right off the back with Bobby trying to talk a woman off a ledge. It’s a powerful reflection of Bobby’s current mindset because not only is he still like her, he is willing to admit to his own suicidal ideations if it means she will not jump. Something he will not even admit to his team at the time. He’s so determined to get this woman down, he doesn’t hesitate to empathize and relate to this deeply personal emotion they share.

She unfortunately falls, and he is not able to add her as #40 to the number of lives he’s saved. He goes to his weekly confession to talk about her and everything else, only to find a younger priest there, the elder having retired. This means everything he confided in the elder, he will have to reconfess to the youth.

It’s a subtle detail but I think it’s important to point out that we don’t really see Bobby talk to God, he talks to the priests. We hear him talk about praying, but we don’t actually see it till later. I think that adds to the disconnect with how he has lost that personal connection with his deity.

We get our introduction to Buck (after Bobby mentions drugs or a sex addiction as coping mechanisms for people in their field). Bobby has to confront him about misusing the fire trucks, claiming to “like” him, though it doesn’t seem sincere. Buck apparently used to call him “Pops.” They even went to a Springsteene concert together, something pushed by Buck because Bobby has no desire to develop relationships with his team outside of work.

If you remember the flashback of Buck’s first day at the 118 with Bobby teasing him and him thinking he finally knew where he belonged, I have to wonder what happened in the 6 months between then and this first episode. Yes, Buck is naive and a bit of a hothead. Yes, Buck is inexperienced, but his whole heart is in this job.

We see in a later episode that he has no real connection with his roommates. He is a probie and, the way Hen and Chim talk about him, they’re not exactly friends. Then, with Bobby probably rejecting his attempts to establish a mentor/father-figure relationship (seeing as Buck’s real father f**king sucks), he is clearly lonely! He has no family with Maddie being trapped by Doug and his parents being absolute dicks. He has no friends inside or outside the firehouse. Everyone on the team thinks he’s an idiot or will get them killed. I can easily see how Buck fell into a string of sex with women just to get some positive attention.

Bobby tells Chim he thinks Buck just needs direction but does he tell Buck that? Nope. He told Buck that this is not a family and that he just used 1 of his 3 strikes before he’s out. It is painfully obvious how little Bobby actually interacted with his children if he thought that was going to work on a grown man with the mental capacity of a needy teenager. He needs guidance! Not an ultimatum!

To be fair, he does try to guide him a bit after that. He can see how Buck shows genuine care for the newborn they save, and he teaches him the rule of not going past the glass doors. Of letting their patients go. But, then Buck takes advantage of the 3 strike rule and Bobby goes into a full rant that is only half about Buck (I’ll get into his projection when I cover season 3) and fires him with an “I’m sorry, kid. You’re done.” The first time we hear Bobby call anyone “kid” on the show and it very much reflects how Bobby sees him. A kid.

It’s Hen (the real MVP) that shows him any spec of kindness. After listening to him admit things were his fault and that he lacks discipline, it’s her who gets him his second chance. By chance. He just so happened to be the only one from the station available. But she still thought of him.

After a shootout that involved saving both Athena and a child’s life, plus owning up to being a punk, Bobby ends the conversation on “Go get dressed,” and Buck is officially unfired. Happy Pilot Episode.

1x02:

The rollercoaster episode. Buck was an immature ass for exactly one episode, and then this happened. It starts off great with Buck and Bobby clearly at a new level of understanding. Buck is pumped with, “Daredevil hero stuff is what I signed up for,” and Bobby saying, “Good.” He can see that it is part of what drives Buck, so he uses it. Then, Buck doesn’t save the man. He falls, and Buck loses his first victim.

Bobby is trying not to get too involved, determined to keep that emotional barrier between him and the team. He says nothing as Chim tries to get Buck to brush it off with a “one night stand” metaphor. Athena joins them for lunch and Bobby indirectly delegates her to try, which she does with the symbolism of their uniforms. Buck even looks directly at Bobby after he asks if anyone else still sees the person when they close their eyes, and he says nothing. Then, the bell rings and Bobby notices how Buck doesn’t jump up like everyone else. “Coming, kid?” It’s different from the first time he called Buck “kid.” I’m not saying it means anything because Bobby does call other people “kid” in later seasons, but I think it could also signal the blurring lines between mentor and father figure in his head.

Buck is fine all shift until they answer a call of a window washer dangling from his line. Bobby can see Buck is nervous when faced with another fall-risk victim, and allows him to go to the roof instead. This is what gets Bobby to finally step in himself.

He approaches Buck in the locker room, which is our first example of Bobby displaying his major love language (did you think I forgot?) Quality Time.

Hear me out. These love languages aren’t perfect boxes that fit every action a person performs, but I think I can argue this one fairly well, and I’m gonna jump around a bit.

When Bobby was with his wife and kids, a show of the lack of love he was providing to them was how absent he was. When he was around, he would sit on the toilet, half-asleep as they brushed their teeth, just to be in the same room as them before tucking them in for bed. When he hallucinated being with them, he was cooking for them or sitting at the table, always talking with them. Now, that’s important because I initially thought of cooking as an act of service.

However, it wasn’t about the food. It was about being present, somewhere they can see and talk to him until they could all sit down around a table and enjoy a meal together. That carried into how he treats the 118, even if he says they are not a family. It was obviously a lie (that he takes back in 1x03 haha).

It's not just about the cooking and meals, either. Bobby could be in his office when he does his paperwork, but we often see him doing it in the loft, right where everyone can see him. It’s about being present.

When he is suspended in Season 2, he doesn’t turn any of his team away even as he’s busy trying to plan his wedding. He proposes to Athena early into their relationship with the idea that no one knows how much time they have left. A major fight he’s had with Athena is the idea of their retirement and spending time together. When his team is struggling, he will often go and just talk to them, let them rant and be vulnerable around him. He shows up when they are hurt and checks in with them to make sure they’re ok.

It's about being there for them, more than anything. Being present. Spending his Quality Time with them.

So, back to Buck. After the call, Bobby approaches him and listens. Buck tells him about quitting his pursuit for the Navy Seals because he didn’t want to turn off his emotions to get a job done. He wants his feelings because he genuinely loves helping people.

That confession might have been what put that first cracks in the wall Bobby built between him and the team. Finally, he's vulnerable. With Buck.

He tells him in vivid, undeniable detail exactly who his first victim lost was: her age, everything she was wearing, how her toenails were painted, the scene of the accident, and her last words. Showing just how much it stuck with him, like Buck is struggling with now. He tells him he’s glad he can’t turn off his emotions, “I don’t want you to. It’s not gonna make you a better firefighter.” And tells him anyone who says they are not affected after losing someone is a liar.

He must see the stubborn mindset Buck is set in, so he offers him a card for the department’s therapist that just so happened to be in his pocket. He knew it would come to this. “You don’t have to talk to me,” it is an offer, an open door, “but you do have to talk to someone.” Don’t let this stop you from being you. And he leaves.

With yet another man teetering on a ledge, this time on purpose, Bobby doesn’t let Buck back out of doing what he’s good at. “Buck, you’ve got this.” And he does. After the save, Buck’s confidence is back and he thanks Bobby for pushing him. Bobby praises him for bouncing back and saving a man’s life. “You did good, kid.” That’s twice in one episode. Thrice in the first two episodes of the series. They were clearly setting things up for them to share a father-son relationship.

1x03:

When I said cooking is about being around everyone and being in the conversation? Yeah, that includes the ones he wasn’t a part of. Bobby can’t help but comment when Chim and Hen are discussing his failed proposal to Tatianna.

There’s already some tension there with Chim feeling like Bobby passes over him to do “the fun stuff.” He mentions The Maneuver last episode (Chim offered after Buck initially declined, but Bobby made Buck do to gain his confidence back) or scaling down the cliffside at the beginning of this one. In this context, he's framing it as him wanting these grand rescues so he doesn't have to make up stories to impress his girlfriend, even though it's obviously more.

Bobby claims that Tatianna is manipulating him by only being interested in the illusion, and Chim is believing it. He talks about the lack of honesty their relationship was built on. Chim turns around to call Bobby out for keeping secrets, too. To say how judgy he is, even when he shuts down every time anyone else tries to ask about him. How none of them know anything about his personal life after 18 months.

After storming out from their fight, Chimney gets into an accident. I think it’s sweet that Captain Serrano of the 122 recognized him and called Bobby personally, not letting anyone else touch him. He knew they’d want to be the ones to care for such a severe injury on one of their own. That they’d do everything they could to save him.

Bobby knew his allergies and stayed right by his side the entire time, talking to him. He even tried to convince him not to see himself, but relented when Chim asked. He calls Chim the smartest guy on his team, the one he would be consulting with in this situation. Showing how much he does value him.

They’re stopped from following for not being “family,” and Bobby tries to ration it as them stopping at the door like always. When he learns that Chim survived surgery, Bobby is determined to make things right. He confronts Tatianna. Tells her how the department is a “brotherhood” and calls Chimney his friend, that it’s not about love, it’s about “decency.” Tatianna makes good points about the flaws in his perspective. Although it’s rough, she’s not wrong for refusing to go sit by his bed and hold his hand. To pretend.

Bobby tries one last time, and his stubbornness is revealed to be for his own personal reasons. He confesses that all he can do for Chim is pray and get people he will fight for to be by his side. When she refuses, and Hen fails to get ahold of his parents, he sits there with his team. Talking to him and joking, even if they only have two minutes before they’re kicked out. He tosses away exactly what he told Buck two episodes ago, holds Chim’s hand, and says “His family’s right here.” Yet another major crack in the wall between him and the people around him.

1x04:

AKA The heartbreak trifecta/ Bobby breaks. This episode hits all three of Bobby’s buttons. Bobby is on #46 of his list, and Buck is determined to figure out what it means. Hen warns him against prying, as she already tried just 3 months into knowing him, but Buck doesn’t listen. (Hen even mentions Bobby “popping”/punching him for snooping. Buck clearly doesn’t believe that, even after he retreated from Bobby’s charge in their rooftop confrontation in 1x01.) Not only does Buck tell Bobby he’s already seen what’s inside the book, knowing it’s a list of people he saved, but he also counted the spaces! And asks Bobby directly why there are exactly 148! (Jesus. Buck. My love.)

Bobby had absolutely no right to assault Buck by throwing and pinning him against the wall, and I will stand by that. Yes, it was an invasion of privacy but Bobby isn’t exactly subtle with his book. He was sitting in the loft, in the corner, staring at it/reading it silently. That doesn’t exactly scream that it’s something so secretive that it’s never to be seen by another mortal’s eyes. Truly, it was still an absolute invasion of privacy, but that level of backlash was uncalled for. To physically grab him by the collar (when he clearly doesn’t know why the book is such a big deal, obviously, because Bobby won’t tell anyone) and swing him around to pin him against the wall and growl at him. I just… It really wouldn’t bother me as much if we at least saw/ heard some allusion to an apology sometime afterwards. But whatever. Because that whole thing gets interrupted by a plane crash.

This is a disaster more than most of them have ever witnessed before – especially Buck – and Bobby is quick, yet not unkind in the way he tells him to keep moving past the bodies on the shore. There's too many other people that need them.

On the plane, Bobby refuses to abandon a trapped mother who just convinced her son to leave her behind. I don't want to say it's a parallel, but Buck is the one who carries the boy away, leaving their parents behind.

He essentially makes a suicide pact with her, promising not to leave, and it’s Buck who comes to the rescue. His pseudo-son, who knows he’s “a terrible listener” after disobeying orders to leave him. Who is scared as hell. He comes up with a plan to save them both, begging Bobby to trust him before he's pushed away by the rising waters. He’s screaming Bobby’s name the whole time they’re under. He clearly cares for him so much, even after their fight.

Bobby isn’t focused on that, though. The plan works and the two of them are safe. However, the mother and child's reunion consumes him, triggering his love for his own wife and son, their love for each other, and how he failed them. It’s all there when Hen comments that the save must “make you feel pretty good,” and he just says, “Yeah.” No.

He breaks his 546 (545 1/2) day sobriety, dreaming of talking to his kids as he cooks. It’s all he wants, to be back with them. He’s too hungover to wake up for work, so Hen and Buck go to check his apartment. Buck is ready to break down the door, he’s so worried, and he’s surprised Hen has an emergency key. (Obviously, no one has trusted him with one before. And he had no one to trust one with. Yet.)

After they find him passed out on the bed, drag him into the tub, and wake him up with a shower, he fails to convince either of them that he's fine. Refuses to absorb Hen's sage advice. And Buck, being Buck, approaches it in the most Buck way possible.

See, Buck grew up with Maddie, someone who loves him dearly and someone he could always go to. Buck went all around the country and to Peru, learning every kind of job out there. He’s still a probie, fresh out of the academy. Basically, Buck has been in a constant state of learning for years because he's constantly jumping around and trying new things. He seeks new information out, meaning he's asking others or the Internet for help. To teach him. And here is his mentor – who even Chim described as “someone who thinks he’s right all the time” – struggling to just ask.

He's setting out four plates for an empty apartment. Saying he’s fine. Trying to make jokes out of their attempt to get through to him. Of course! Buck! Is just like! “Maybe ask for help once in a while?” Because OF COURSE it’s that simple. No, it really, truly is. And still it is so, so difficult at the same time. But Bobby does it. He says, “Help.” Another crack in that wall and a big one. He breaks down crying, letting them hug him and tell him it’s alright as he apologizes. All he needs to do is ask, and they'll be there.

1x05:

The final crack in the wall, and it’s not what you might think. It’s not another moment of soul-crushing sadness on his chest that finally drives Bobby to really be himself around his team. To open up and show just how much baggage he’s carrying around. IT’S BUCK AND HEN. (Sorry, Chim, you're still in recovery. But you did help.) More accurately, it’s Hen's headstrong compassion that challenges Bobby's behavior and the bright, loveable joy Buck brings just by being him. It’s love and warmth that finally gets to him. Because he loves them back.

The episode starts heavy. Hell, the whole episode is heavy. It starts with the top floor of a building collapsing during a wedding celebration. It turns out the extra floor wasn’t built following proper guidelines in order to cut corners and save money, damning it to eventually collapse. This triggers Bobby as the building he and his family lived in was also “a deathtrap,” a number of things (like the materials of the building and a disconnected sprinkler system) partially to blame for the level of tragedy that occurred that night.

After suffering a relapse just a day ago, his emotions overwhelm him and he lashes out at the landlord. Hen has to pull him off of the man and when he turns his rage to her, he tells her to “Back off.” She tries to remind him he asked for help, but he shoves off her arm and storms away.

Things are frosty between them after that. They would have moved past it, I know, but seeing as Hen didn't pry about the book, I don't know if they would have talked about it again. They might have just moved on. Go back to how things were before. But then, they get a call to a carwash.

A poor man got caught by one of the large brushes, hoses wrapping around him as he spins uncontrollably. And it's all caught on camera, much to Buck's delight. He cracks up laughing, drawing the attention of Hen and Bobby. And when they see the video, Buck’s cackling overpowers their professionalism and they burst into laughter, too.

That bit of humanity was enough to melt the ice between Bobby and Hen. It's just like his first day again, where he's having fun with his team. Where he has a good day. Hen even says she's never seen him laugh like that. It’s because he wouldn't let himself.

Now, he did. He has people around him who care about him, and he can admit to caring about them back. He tells Hen that she, Chim, and Buck have become that important to him, after trying so hard to shut everyone out. To never be hurt that deeply again.

"Let us in, Bobby." And he agrees. He introduces himself to all of them over a meal. (Obviously.) Finally, he wants something more than just his old family.

1x06:

Valentine's Day. I think a deeply underrated Bobby and Buck moment is not the two of them casually debating the holiday as a scam vs a valid occasion to celebrate the one you love, but how Bobby brings up his wife himself. He talks about loving Valentine's day since he was 8. How after he met his wife, it was wonderful to share the day with someone. It’s already so personal and (unlike last time Buck pried) when Buck asks if Bobby misses his wife on the holiday, he says, “I miss her every day, Buck. Miss her every day.”

He’s grown mentally and emotionally since opening up to his team. Chim returns to work and Bobby calls him “the heart of the firehouse,” claiming it “hasn’t been the same” without him. They’ve become closer since their fight and Bobby isn’t afraid to show that he cares. And it’s not just him.

Buck is getting ready for his date and Bobby is literally tying his freaking tie. Let me remind you that Buck is not really a dating guy. He traveled all over, not exactly looking for long term relationships. His isolation sent him into an episode of sex addiction, sure, but he still loved that he didn’t need to contact the women afterwards. I can’t say what he might have been like in middle or high school, but we can probably assume this is his first real, adult date. And Bobby is tying his tie. If that is not the most father-coded sh**, I don’t know what is. And it doesn’t stop there!

Buck tells him how he's afraid of messing things up. They discuss sex vs intimacy, and Bobby gives him the advice to try getting to know her first, without sex. He wishes him luck “keeping it in your pants” and Buck LAUGHS. It’s cute. They’re bonding. You can tell how happy it makes Buck in the split second before it cuts to the next scene.

When the date turns sideways (well, Buck does, because he loses consciousness) and Buck gets hospitalized because of bread, Bobby shows up to the hospital. We know from season 3 that Bobby is Buck’s emergency contact, but it clearly started sooner, likely because there was simply no one else that would need to be informed that he’d be missing work.

Buck is unconscious when he arrives, Abby sitting at his side, and although Bobby offers to take over watching him, they decide to keep each other company. They talk and it's nice. Eventually, Bobby invites her to get coffee as they leave the room together.

(Now, this was probably to comfort her, but I’m gonna give my personal crack theory for a second and say I really think the writers were gonna potentially set Bobby and Abby up before the actress decided to leave the show. Their ages matched. The whole camera work of his first sight/introduction of her walking into the fire station for Chimney’s party. Him leaving Buck in the hospital bed to take her to coffee. It even makes sense that they spent more time developing Buck and Bobby's relationship than anyone else's so that it would make a bigger conflict when the love triangle began... Idk. Again, crack theory. I’m not saying they would have been endgame. But just that first look. Weird vibes. Anyways.)

1x07:

The father-son duo have a blast together. I feel like later seasons don’t break the team apart as much as they did in season 1. We get all kinds of match ups with just two or three characters teaming up together on calls and we get to see them interact with each other in new ways. It’s fun.

It’s the full moon and everyone’s going nuts. Bobby listens as Buck incorrectly quotes the correlation of the moon, gravity, and crazy people as “science," then calls him out affectionately.

When multiple pregnant women doing yoga happen to go into labor at the same time, Buck delivers his first baby. Bobby guides his through it, maintaining that mentor role, and is calm and assuring, smiling, telling him “good job.”

It’s a team effort and they work well together. With the ridiculousness of it all, Buck asks if he still thinks the full moon thing is a myth, to which Bobby says, “Yes, and I still think you’re an idiot.” There is banter there where it used to only be correction or borderline tolerance.

Then, we find out just how uncomfortable Bobby is with worms (in this case tapeworms) as one crawls out of a man, and Buck gets to tease him for it. We get Bobby curious as to Buck’s knowledge of them, and he talks about bartending in South America. It’s a hilariously slow removal process that Bobby cringes at till the very end. So wholesome.

1x08:

It's Chimney’s turn to push Bobby forward. Where Hen and Buck helped him reconnect with people, Chim helps him see the value in life, especially his own. (And we get Bobby calling Buck “kid” #3 at the beginning of the episode. Back to Chim.)

Now, Hen and Chim are closer in age to Bobby than Buck, and they were at the 118 before Bobby, so it makes his relationship to them less fatherly and more of a deep friendship. One that was truly established with Chim this episode.

Chimney is giving back after his life saving surgery by holding a blood drive (to “balance himself out with the universe,” just like Bobby is), and everyone at the station has donated except for one. Their captain. While there is the fun joke of learning Bobby has an intense phobia of needles, it leads to him getting a call from the doctor about his blood results. Without any additional information, everyone assumes it’s not good news.

He confides in his priest, telling him he’s only on #62 in his book. How he fears he won’t get to balance everything before he dies, and, therefore, his soul won’t be at peace. He won’t get his wish.

Chim, feeling guilty for making him give the donation in the first place, goes with him to the doctor and learns about Bobby’s “golden arm.” A rare blood type that could save any of the 4 thousand babies born with Rhesus disease every year. While Chim sees it as ironic, Bobby sees it as God punishing him.

Chimney teases him about the whole thing, bringing up medals of honor and saving kids. But Bobby breaks, screaming “They’re the wrong kids! I want my kids.” Listening to Bobby, he finds out about his deal with God and exactly how he wants things to end. It's devastating.

It’s also probably the only time Chim has managed to keep a secret. He's so focused on helping him, there's no time to fester on the knowledge. He calls Bobby to the hospital without elaborating just to make sure he’d show up. Then, he shows him exactly what his donations can do.

Seeing it makes his actions real. Proves that he is helping real people, with real lives, and real problems that only he can fix. He doesn’t dismiss the fact that Bobby wants to see his kids, telling him he truly believes he will see them again. Just not yet. “They’re your kids, too.”

From Chim's point of view, Bobby's golden arm is not a punishment. It's God is teasing him by making him have to deal with needles every 8 weeks for the rest of his life. This not only disrupts Bobby's plans to take his own life, but challenges his perspective of God’s plan for him and how he is viewed.

“Considering who I work with, [God] must figure I can take a joke.” He hugs Chim and the two of them watch the parents enjoy their healthy newborn in front of them. Definitely a top tier Chim episode.

1x09:

Not a ton happens Bobby-wise. We have a wonderful allusion to Bobby knowing Buck’s personal life by knowing he had a date on his morning off. Some more Quality Time as he listens to Buck’s thoughts about Abby’s situation and his personal bias against it. Then, he offers some heartfelt truths about relationships and baggage, and how someone’s personal life is not a trap to be pulled out of but a space for someone to step inside to keep them company. (Kinda like what the team did for him.)

Then, Buck gets hit in the face with a window-bowlingball-boobytrap and Bobby calls up to ask if he’s ok. That’s it.

1x10:

The finale. With his suicidal ideation crushed by his new role as a baby savior, his connection with God readjusting itself, and his team showing him he can have deep, meaningful connections with people, Bobby makes himself a profile on a dating site.

The way Chim and Hen immediately zero in on his suspicious behavior and just dive into his laptop is hilarious, a complete 180 from when his book was snooped in. He’s comfortable around them and lets them and Buck scroll through the page.

Hen tells him how great she thinks it is and he confesses to not thinking dating websites are for him, that he's uncomfortable with something so unfamiliar and feels like a probie. The whole thing was only recommended by his sponsor (Wendell).

Buck and Chim tease him mercilessly and he defends most of it, one again calling Buck an idiot when he says “ember” instead of “amber” which, again, is more affectionate than anything else.

I will say that I hate the writing choice that even after hearing how much Buck gushes about Abby, and the team admitting he’s in the healthiest relationship out of all of them, NO ONE believes him after this random woman ASSAULTS him for allegedly ghosting her. They don’t even stop her as she walks away. They are best friends with a fu**ing cop for god’s sake, no one’s gonna say anything? Ugh.

Once again, it is a familial call that triggers Bobby and this one nearly sends him into a panic attack. The man was in a motorcycle accident on his way home to show off his new bike to his son. Bobby dials and holds the phone so the man can use his final moments to talk to him as if nothing were wrong and tell him he loves him.

Athena sees him struggling and offers to help anyway she can. Which Bobby accepts, asking her to go somewhere with him. Church. He talks about how he uses the church to confess and keep himself out of trouble, to pray, forgive, and forget. They talk about how the job has influenced their personal lives, and how exhausting it can all be, yet “still so damn fun.” Finally, he asks her to pray with him, strengthening the connection between them as well as their connection with their deity. It’s nice that they can relate on so many lifestyle choices.

Chim once again shows their friendship level by mentioning “game night” (as in watching a sports game) so casually that it can be inferred as an established/common get together. But Bobby says he has a date.

Chim immediately takes interest and stays a little longer just to tease him and help him with his outfit. (Their mannerisms are distinctly different from how he and Buck interacted. Showing a different, yet equally important relationship.) It ends with Bobby stating “once you get out of your own way, you start to see everything and everyone in a different light,” and throwing away his book.

He’s ready to move on with his life, with his team, and now with Athena, too.

....

DONE!

I just want you to know I will not be doing episode by episode breakdowns like this for the rest of the seasons. I only did it because the whole first season really establishes Bobby’s character (and it’s only 10 episodes long).

Now, I can kinda skim over the seasons and talk in reference, especially because I already went through his whole background. I can focus on the big parts that really shift and challenge him, his relationships, and the show.

If you made it all the way to the end, I hope you liked it. More will come eventually. I am not fast, but it will happen. Thanks for reading.

#911 fox #911 on fox #911 abc #bobby nash breakdown #bobby nash #evan buck buckley #henrietta wilson #chimney han #athena grant #911 season 1 #i had to do half of this post over again because it didnt save my changes the first time #i hope whoever reads it at least finds it interesting. i know its a lot oh my god. the other ones will not be like this #i tried #i also only have 10 image slots so some of the episodes dont have any screenshots. sorry.

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linklethehistorian · 10 months

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You know, being around Tumblr for like…5 years now, I’ve seen a lot of silly, goofy posts from fandom peeps making jokes and memes about themselves having to pretend to be ‘normal’ about a certain topic or thing they’re passionate about when around their friends, or wishing that someone else cared about their fics or OCs or whatever-else-have-you as much as they do themselves, so that they’d have a reason to share their trivia and go all out on the subject without being labeled as ‘cringe’, and like…yeah, they’re kinda funny, and don’t get me wrong, they’re definitely relatable to an extent, but…most of all, I just find them sad.

I know there are a lot of people — especially when making posts aimed towards fic writers — that’ll be like, “just do it for yourself!”, or “write/draw/create like no one’s watching!”, and that is genuinely good advice; I’m glad that it’s out there, because it is a very important step in being able to enjoy your hobby and/or your passion.

…But at the same time, something I never hear being said that I think really should is: while yeah, you should be able to create for yourself like no one is watching — in the sense that you should try to tune out the naysayers and just do what you love above all else — you should also allow yourself to be free enough to create like everyone is watching, in a good way.

Yes, realistically speaking, most people in the world right now probably don’t care that much about that super niche fic you wrote, or that OC you made, or whatever else it is you created or saw that you’re so excited about, but…so what? Who cares if not that many people have noticed it and given it the attention it deserves in your eyes? Why are you letting that stop you?

Go out there and make that ‘official blog’ dedicated to that creation you love, build that music playlist of perfect vibes for your OC or your favorite character, create hundreds of drawings and drabbles and fics and edits and posts and whatever else that you so want to do, talk like the whole world is listening with bated breath for your next statement about an update or interesting tidbit about that thing you made!

What is anyone going to do about it? Call you cringe? Send you hateful messages or make nasty comments? Delete them. Block them. Cut them off. They’re just a bunch of losers who have never learned a better way of coping with their own personal misery and unhappiness besides trying to drain the joy out of other people’s lives. And if you’re afraid your friends would do that to you — guess what? They’re not really your friends. There is a time and place for everything, sure, and there are going to be some people who enjoy doing different things with you more than others, but if you genuinely can’t just be yourself and have fun around the people you love without fear of being judged over something fictional or otherwise harmless, then you’re not in a very healthy situation.

And I’ll tell you something else, too.

When I started writing my most beloved fic of all, I had no idea that it would ever possibly get more than maybe one reader at best — if that — because of how extremely specific and niche the plot and the main pairing (and even the secondary pairing) was. I thought that it would at best sit on AO3 in silence forever and at worst receive massive backlash from a certain part of its primary fandom.

And I’m not gonna lie; it has received a few nasty comments over the years — but you know what it has mostly received? Love. Love, and appreciation, and support, and all of the things that in the beginning I never would’ve thought was possible.

I made an official blog for my fic, and it actually has a few dedicated followers that aren’t all just my close friends. I have playlists for it, I’ve made art, animatics, development notes on each chapter, I celebrate milestones with actual polls and events! I talk like people are listening, even when I’m not always really sure that they are, just for the fun of it, and you know…I’m happy.

And personally, I think that kind of obvious love and joy and dedication for what you do sells itself more than any type of attempt to appeal to the so-called ‘critics’ ever could.

Do what you love like others already love it just as much as you, and the rest will eventually fall into place.

#linklethehistorian #thoughts #my thoughts #fandom #but also #non-fandom #writing #advice #been thinking a lot about this lately #so glad I have good friends in my life who aren’t control freaks about other peoples’ interests and hobbies #but that’s mostly by design #and that support group took a long time to build #I’ve learned and grown a lot over the years and I hope that knowledge I’ve gained in the process can maybe help others too

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brialitypoetry · 1 month

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Ya girl is growing like a beanstalk!

This past week made 6 years since I started my career in arts education at [insert nonprofit org]. I didn't know it was arts education then. Hell, I ain't know a lot of shit then. When I walked in as Program Coordinator, I really just NEEDED a full time job with benefits; today, I’m a confident arts educator and the Director of Education and Youth Development at the same nonprofit. Here are some things I've learned since March 2018:

You don't know shit until you learn some shit! I walked in knowing it all!! Until I had to learn it all. A lot of us walk into jobs, projects, opportunities thinking we will immediately start implementing new, bubbling ideas. I found my season of learning the organization to be gruesome, humbling, and ultimately growing.

Lean into what you do know! Truth is, I created my current role. I saw a need inside our program and filled it with what I knew. Theatre games, team building, life skills! Turns out what I did naturally was actually knocking on the door of SEL development i.e. collaboration, conflict resolution, self management, emotional regulation, etc. That’s when we [the org & myself] found out funders and donors LOVE programs that center social, emotional skill development for youth and communities!!! Lmao.

Take control of your own professional development! Yes, my instincts were natural but that doesn't mean I didn't need developing. I definitely needed to walk it like I talked it. How could I teach emotional regulation to children without working to regulate my own. So, I found PDs, conferences, programs, a mentor [haha another story for another day], a therapist [AMEN!!!], and challenging opportunities that would grow me personally as well as stretch my understanding of youth development and shape my ideology around SEL curriculum building. Whew! It’s been a ride! And lastly,

Stick with some shit! Y'all! I aint gon lie like I've not tried to quit, and a few times lmao, cause what millennial you know have stayed at ONE job for 6 years? Exactly. However [insert non profit org] really invested in my growth and understanding of arts education. They granted and funded professional opportunities that would lay the groundwork for the organization’s Education DEPARTMENT! A first for [insert nonprofit]!! I’m over a department y’all. That’s nuts!! I never could have guessed this 6 years ago.

Since 2018, so much has changed. And I thank God for nothing being the same. I made no resolutions in 2024. I want to rest in this season I’ve worked so hard to get to. Let come what may. I’ll be ready! ✨

#writers and poets #poetblr #poetry #memphis poet #poetsandwriters #poetscommunity #writerblr #poet #writing community #poetsofinstagram #arts education #theatre

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starlightandetherealshadows · 9 months

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Not gonna lie, I’m gonna miss V as an RO but they are your character and you know them better…honestly I’ve been working on an IF for over a year now and haven’t even thought about plot stuff I’m just trying to figure out all the RO’s and side characters…especially since that’s the area I struggle with most when writing.

Hi my sunshine!

Oooooo i'd love to hear about your IF! this community is so talented; I love reading all the different stories and the ideas bouncing around.

The change of RO's wasn't easy; like you start your outline with a bunch of ideas and then when you actually get to the nitty gritty of details and planning routes/accounting for all the variance we have! I know i'm preaching to the choir here but i'm so glad you understand ₊˚⊹♡

AND OOF especially when the plot is just as important as the characters/romance? don't get me started....i've written fanfiction for a while now and it is so much easier than developing my own characters (but i do enjoy this more hehehe)

I follow @seraphinitegames and love love LOVE Wayhaven; I remember she was talking about how she had this specific scene planned out for YEARS but when she was doing the book planning, she realized she couldn't include it anymore because it didn't fit and I think that sums up the experience pretty well (I say, a baby writer)

Thank you for your message, lovely! ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

All my love,

Cheye

#memento mori #ask: answered

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normiedoctorwho · 9 months

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Venting about the 12th Doctor and nuwho experience so far

So I’ve been working my way through nuwho for about a year and a half now, and since it hit 12 it’s been extremely slowly. The reason it’s been so slow is while there are episodes I like, I cannot for the life of me get invested in these characters, the major exception after the s9 premiere being Missy.

I love her.

Dearly.

I’m just gonna pull off the bandaid now, I liked Clara more with 11. I know heaven sent is gonna be amazing and gives a great tragic goodbye for her, the fact is as of now, I wish she would’ve left either after kill the moon, or after the s8 finale.

And I’ll stress that I am extremely biased towards more classic who feels for episodes. That’s where I got into the series and if you know me, you’ll know I DESPISE new who’s constant raising of the stakes. As in then Modern day earth/the whole universe has to be on the line.

I’ve reached a boiling point with the 12th doctor because Moffatt’s inability to commit to his dramatic plot points.

I’m not expecting Missy to actually be dead. It was obvious she survived. And she was the best part of the s9 premiere, but like… more of a buffer guys.

Speaking of a buffer, once again we have a perfectly fine companion break up that’s undone by the Christmas special because god forbid new who has a good companion exit/commits to it outside of Martha’s.

(Opinion context: Rose’s first exit worked, then Journey’s end happened. Jack’s was straight up bad, just forgot about him for two seasons, Martha is good as stated, Donna’s was horribly contrived and fucking stupid actually happy that’s getting a do over, Amy and Rory had their good exit at the end of s6, which got ruined by the Christmas special, and now Clara with the same shit.)

Magician’s apprentice in particular annoyed me because it felt like it was spinning it’s wheels while also yet again making the stakes impossibly big when they did not need to be. At least at the start. “The Doctor is dying. Airplanes are frozen in mid air! The master is back! What do we doooo?” When the initial conceit of the Doctor being torn between helping a kiddo Davros or letting him die was way more interesting. And I won’t lie, not all of this criticism is fair. I’d heard this was the premise of the episode for months if not years in advance, and got excited and built my own picture of what it could’ve been. And when the episodes themselves seemed to be actively avoiding the interesting thing in favor of Davros and 12 sitting in a room reading their character analysis’ of each other while Missy and Clara run around a radiation filled planet with no side effects, I got bored fast.

Like Moffatt, I know you got the idea for this episode from 4’s speech in genesis. You don’t have to literally play the clip from the speech. It’s not necessary and just eats up time. Just role with the dramatic irony and have fans notice the reference.

I will say I liked that 12 didn’t fall for Davros’ obvious lies and that 12 had a real plan to kill all of the daleks on the rebuilt skaro. 10 seemingly backtracking to pre remembrance character development never sat right with me. And 11 never truly contemplating the gravity of the consequences of choosing to save the earth over destroying the daleks in victory of the daleks was also annoying. So to give 12 this chance to get rid of it all and have him actually go through with it was nice.

I fully expect Davros to return at some point, but at the very least, it won’t be because the Doctor showed him pity. They are well and truly past that now.

But then he almost falls for Missy’s bit to trick him into killing Clara? Ugh. More importantly though, this episode relies wayyyyy too much on the audience’s classic who knowledge of thecharacter dynamic and what happened to Skaro. As far as I can remember, nuwho does not ever explain the Doctor destroyed it.

Listen I like it when classic who comes up in nuwho, but nuwho needs to stand on its own. And if it’s gonna take cues from classic who, then for the love of god stop having 3 save modern day earth plots per season and let the timelords be actual forces in the narrative. Vs some tragic backstory you lean on b/c you’re convinced the doctor’s mysticism is why we like him so much.

I swear nuwho downplaying that the doctor is a renegade timelord b/c Galifrey is no longer a factor in the plot outside of “waaa I destroyed my home planet in the time war,” is just so annoying. The writers focus on the stole the tardis aspect and not “my people had time and space travel but they sat on their asses vs using it to explore and help people.

I’ll clarify that I do not hate all of new who. I like it overall. And I like older doctors too. Plz I don’t hate capaldi as an actor I think he does a good job with what he’s given. But god does where I’m at feel like the show is just running on fumes while also having it’s head up it’s own ass.

I bet Clara’s clear trauma at 12 nearly killing her and being unable to explain who she is will totally get addressed in the next story.

#doctor who #doctor who ramblings #doctor who watchthrough

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aroaceconfessions · 2 years

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technically you could say i’ve had two crushes in my life, but i just feel so disconnected from my past self that i don’t want to count them as anything. if anyone ever asked me what i liked about those people i wouldn’t be able to name a single thing. well, one thing i could name - the attention they gave me.

the first person was an elementary school crush, but they didn’t give me attention - i just wanted to attract their attention, which never happened and i got over myself and decided i no longer have a crush on them. overall, looking back at it, i think it was just platonic? i know i was like 7 or 8 so i don’t think i could’ve had some sort of romantic crush, but i think in this case it could count as a platonic crush thing. basically, i had no friends in school and this need for this person to recognise me could be just that i wanted to gain the attention of someone popular in our class and get friends that way? i know it may sound like i’m reaching, but i think i could count this as a more of a platonic crush than a romantic one?

then my second “crush” was someone 3-4 years older than me (which was concerning, idk how i didn’t realise that at the time). before i start talking about them, i want to explain the situation i was in. basically, my friend was into guys and hanging out with a lot of them and she had guys who were into her. she would come over my place and would always text them, tell me about texts they sent, i was jealous of the attention she got. i thought that i had to “get in on it” and “get out there” (i was 12-14 i think, i did not need to “get out there” in any way). i developed personality traits that made me look “cooler” (or at least that’s what i thought) and i just tried to garner someone’s attention, to be a person that someone could be into. i met this guy on social media and i have no idea why i texted him (would’ve saved me a lot of embarrassment if i hadn’t done that). then after a month or so we were already sending hearts (gross) and “i like you”s to each other, but i don’t think i liked him like that. i don’t remember wanting to date him or kiss him, or even hold hands (we did hold hands once but it was very uncomfortable, plus our hands were sweating a lot). honestly, he had a personality of a stick, he never asked me anything, all of our conversations were me asking him stuff and trying to make him show at least some charisma (keep in mind, he was the older one). we were once hanging out and he tried confessing his feelings towards me and say that he “loved me” and you know what was my answer? i said “i like you the same way i like butterflies”.. butterflies….. and, no, i did not like butterflies more than an average person would. my favourite animal was (still is) cats and i knew that but i didn’t say it, because i didn’t want to lie to him and tell him i liked him as much as i liked cats.. yeah, then something happened that i can’t remember, he threatened that if i don’t agree to be his partner he’ll leave me because he already has someone else (this happened over texts) and i did, unfortunately, agree to be his partner, but shortly after (maybe like, shorter than a week or so) he did something that i can’t remember and i decided to never speak to him again. so yeah, did i really have a crush on him or was i just trying to be “as cool” as my friend?

anyway, i don’t know what my point was. these things have been weighing me down for a long time because i wish i could just erase them from my past. i can’t say i never had crushes, but i can’t say i had them either..? i guess my only question is, would others consider these as crushes or not? it would be nice to get some other perspectives.

#aro #aromantic #aspec #arospec #coercion #toxic relationships #unhealthy relationships #dating #relationships #compulsary hetersexuality #compulsary allosexuality

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dragonballwish · 2 years

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I really don't think Vegeta and Bulma was a great ship. It felt like it was out of nowhere and just done to justify the existence of another Super Saiyan in Trunks for the sake of the whole Terminator reference. I think Gohan x Videl is cute but that their relationship in Z was underdeveloped, which also leads me to question why so many seem to dislike the idea of Krillin and 18 for the same reason? Idk. I think it's weird that GoChi gets so much hate because Goku's "always gone training" and Chi-Chi is "always complaining about it" when we see literally the exact same stuff happen with Vegeta and Bulma and no one questions that relationship at all. I think Krillin is very shippable and think it's kind of bizarre that the guy who's the most caring, least self-focused, and most attentive s/o in the entire cast somehow is determined to be the least-deserving of any romance, even his canon one. I feel like people in the fandom really try to erase Goku and Krillin's bond, between the weird push to declare Vegeta as Goku's "real best friend" and also the weird claims I've seen lately that Vegeta's death on Namek and more recently Meerus' death in the Super manga motivated Goku more than Krillin's death did, to say nothing of seeing people think Krillin has zero skill as a fighter and no real value as a fighter (which has a very, very weird similarity to what the guys who used to abuse him at Orin used to say.) I think that Tien is asexual. Like, canonically, I think he's asexual. I think shipping Piccolo is a bit weird but mostly harmless so long as it's not the weird "cheating" context some like to use. I think we need a Krillin slice-of-life comedy spinoff.

This is a lot to unpack but legit legit I agree with most of it—

Vegebul was pretty random I agree. We saw none of the actual development. I think the fact that Toriyama had initially planned for vegeta to stay dead on namek (or so I’ve heard) might actually play into that. There are only two saiyans of age and so vegeta was really the only one that made sense to have bulma’s bb daddy be … I guess. Like I understand the logic but I agree that it was pretty random. At first it was less of a ship too and mostly like baby daddy vegeta and rich irresponsible mom bulma and they don’t interact ????? In my opinion …. Bulma is kinda a character I’m shocked doesn’t get shipped more randomly since she is the one who canonically is kinda comedically thirsty over hot guys she sees (like zarbon or uhhhh the blue guy from red ribbon army) love that about her though

Hanvi is cosmetically very cute but I won’t lie, I didn’t ship it ever like at all. As a kid I didn’t like Videl and as an adult I didn’t really have any feelings towards her. Gohan is like. I grew up next to him he is my brother.. so I want the best for him … so I don’t know I was always miffed about it but then pan in the new movie finally turned me around I like pan ….. so basically I don’t ship it but I would feel bad to erase son pan from existence in an AU (which I would do anyways sorry)

Uhh gochi haters are *weird* like Fr. I don’t get the hate ??? Like I understand thinking it’s mid and not caring for it or thinking they fit with other people more but other than that there is literally nothing to hate unless you’re jealous ??? Like jealously wish goku was with someone you self-insert better into or something. Because 1. Chichi and goku are both hot ??? 2. They clearly love each other and their temperaments fit each other and they’re both into it. … 3. Everyone complaining probably got into the series years AFTER it was already canon and gohan was born so like it’s all they know why are they so upset ? Makes no sense. The match with vegebul I feel though I can agree that the situations are different especially financially.

Uhm honestly personally I only ship krillin with 18 because they are so obviously perfect and love each other but. I agree so much … krillin is literally the perfect guy and everyone passes over him for what ???? He’s ideal man and everyone acting like he don’t exist .. logically I know it’s because he’s kinda normal in a world of really strong personalities but like. Wtf y’all he’s the perfect character and person and everything in every way.

Having seen my blog and how much I talk about krillin and goku being besties (or at least reblog and talk in tags) I’m sure you can guess my stance on this but. I am SO SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING VEGETA IS GOKU’S BEST FRIEND. KRILLIN IS THE BEST FRIEND ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE. Y’all okay I’ve never seen people say vegeta’s death in namek meant more to goku than krillin’s but like Fr that’s the most incorrect cold turkey take I’ve ever heard of in my whole life Fr. Like ??? Goku was just kinda lookin at him and then buried him with hardly any real remorse. Like obviously he was effected but it was mostly by the “okay so suddenly this is my heritage and I am a saiyan and my whole birth family was killed by this guy huh” and the shock of watching this bastard arrogant bastard cry to his death. I love vegeta but there is no way that made goku snap or anything when goku instantly went ballistic when krillin was murdered in front of him without a trace to take back him. Absolute BS. Also anyone saying krillin has no skill as a fighter can meet me in the streets 💪🤧

Okay yeah okay I also headcanon tien as aroace, actually. I wanna say I think it feels pretty canon too considering everything about where he is in canon like … he disappears for training like a hermit right ? His worldly desires are not present methinks

Piccolo ships weird me out too but actually since they lay eggs and fertilize them too, apparently, they are canonically asexually reproductive beings and therefore I don’t think their genetics would need romance to continue populating? So I just cannot get behind namekian ships or piccolo ships. It doesn’t help that the bigger piccolo ships feel morally gray ? I don’t know

And lastly. You’re right. If I don’t get a wholesome slice of life krillin spin-off I might have to raid the toei offices.

I am so sorry this got so long thank you for the awesome super thought out ask

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shoshi12321 · 2 years

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Loki’s Childhood

My brain won’t shut up, hence this post. One thing about me is that I love to analyze characters, especially the local trickster god. I’ve always wondered what a pre-thor 1 looked like in terms of the brothers, Asgard, and everything else. This is especially the case concerning Loki, probably due to him being the most fascinating, complex character I’ve ever seen. After a thorough AO3 search, I’ve realized that there aren’t that many fics going over possible childhoods; however, the ones we do have outline some trends. (All of this is my headcanon, but would love to hear your thoughts below). Now, first things first, the debate over how Loki’s mischief got started. I swear, this is one I see so often, and for good reason too. Personally, for me, his mischief was something that started innocent, but developed with trauma and time. I honestly believe that he wasn’t born malicious, but rather a normal kid. From the brief flashback in Thor 1, we meet the brothers, and both are totally normal children. Loki wasn’t displaying signs of being cruel or murderous, no that was, for some reason, an idea that sprouted post Thor-3. I honestly believe that Loki grew up pretty innocently. His mischief probably started with Thor or the Warriors 3, and was nothing more than childhood antics. I feel like as they got older, however, he was no longer blind to Odin and started to become aware of his favoritism. I believe he started to act out more, but was still not malicious or a villain. If any of you have read Where Mischief Lies, I believe he went on a similar arc. He tried to be the good son, always listening to his father, and always trying to get approval. He had mischief and trickery, but it wasn’t his entire personality. He grew bitter as the years progressed, and probably saw that his efforts were turning up in vain. Asgard itself was never kind to him, magic was a woman’s sport, and he never truly fit in. He seems like a loner, probably favoring knowledge and books. I think it’s important to state that he was still loyal to Thor. He was sassy, arrogant, smart, prone to mischief (but not fully a trickster), and still trying to be a good son. I believe he probably started to lie as he got older, same as his plots and pranks were intended to start hurting; he knew the value of information and gossip. He felt more and more left out as the years passed, feelings turning bitter and darker. I really just want to dictate my full belief that Loki wasn’t born hating Thor or fully mischievous or even evil. The mischief developed from innocence to an escape from his feelings. He constantly felt less than Thor, someone who couldn’t gain his father’s love or affection. He tried constantly to be a good son, but it always left him in trouble. His turn towards lies came probably more towards his later childhood. He always was able to lie, and had, but it was never his personality. He lied early on with childhood pranks, schemes, and plots. However, it developed further as he got older and became bitter and lonely. He believed no one in Asgard could ever relate to him, and no one even liked him over Thor. His schemes became grander, harsher, and he became less kind. Similar to Thor 2, he appears cruel and like a showman. He delights in chaos, but, unlike post Thor 1, he still has a head on his shoulders. He has enough sense to still try to be a good son, even if it’s in vain. Underneath his facades (which developed to full on masks) he is in so much pain. This entire post is so stupid and only my opinion (head canon), please don’t hate me for this. I don’t even know what this is; I just needed to write everything down and try to organize my thoughts.

#loki #loki childhood #headcanon #my word what is this #loki god of mischief

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floatingcatacombs · 1 year

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annual music post.

12 Days of Aniblogging 2022, Day 6

I am sick.

No, it’s not covid. My immune system and I have been doing a remarkably good job of dodging covid, all things considered. Nor is it any of the other 8 respiratory infections going around this winter. It’s something in my gut, and I’ve been dealing with it for quite some time now.

Back in October of last year, my acid reflux meds stopped working, leaving me with soreness and the lingering sensation of something in the back of my throat. My gastroenterologist wasn’t able to help and by January I was dealing with the new terrible symptoms of generalized abdominal pain and constant burping.

After months of delays due to the medical system collapsing from covid, I finally got some important tests done in May. They confirmed that the problems were real and esophageal in nature, but ultimately did not help one bit with trying to figure out how to treat them.

As this year has gone on, things have gotten slowly worse. The stomach pain has gradually intensified, as has the belching. More and more foods started giving me indigestion until finally it’s just every meal, no matter what. Some grosser symptoms which I don’t want to write out crept up on me. It’s no good, and while I’ve gotten my shit together and am much better at working with doctors, I’m no closer to being well.

If I hadn’t lucked out in being able to work from home, I would definitely be out of job and money by now. How am I supposed to be professional when I belch for hours after every meal? Or when I need to lie down for hours a day in pain? It’s as embarrassing as it is life-ruining.

When you’re in hell, and want to listen to music, there are two different routes you can go down:

Seek out the most downcast, most abrasive stuff you can handle and wallow in it.

Immerse yourself in fluffy, happy, relaxing, or otherwise escapist songs.

I’m really good at the former! If my previous music writeups and Spotify years-in-review are any indication, my taste leans strongly towards the negative emotions. But there’s only so much despair you can take, and sometimes you need a change of pace. So this year, I’ll be writing about the musical niche I carved out: Japanese musicians with English-language releases, most of which are a significant tonal shift from my usual.

Flipper’s Guitar

This is Keigo Oyamada’s band from before his work as Shibuya-kei legend Cornelius, and I feel like a lot of people gloss over them for that exact reason. But Flipper’s Guitar is a real delight throughout their quick 3-album run. Their first album is sung entirely in English, owing to its inspirations in 60’s American music and 80’s British jangle pop. It’s straightforward and cheerful stuff executed perfectly, and the second album is a solid rerun of these ideas but with more of it sung in Japanese. It’s their final album which is the most interesting, as it’s an eclectic mix with more of a psychedelic dance-pop sound that seems to have directly led to the development of Shibuya-kei. There’s even a shoegaze song for good measure! This album isn’t on streaming services, probably because of its extensive sampling, so the easiest way to listen to it was a Youtube upload by now-terminated channel Asian Shoegaze. The thing is, they fucked up and accidentally uploaded the tracks in alphabetical order. After listening through both this and the original track listing, I’m actually of the opinion that the alphabetical version flows better. Life is funny like that.

Poison Girl Friend

You know how the Spotify algorithm will occasionally propel an obscure musician into millions of streams? That’s how most people discovered Poison Girl Friend this year, similar to how Youtube turned Plastic Love into a decades-late international hit a few years back. But I, being a weirdo, knew about Poison Girl Friend years ago, from her being inspired by pervert pop artist Momus (her stage name is a reference to the second Momus album!). Her debut album, all self-produced, has a spacey trip-hop sound to it, right on the dial for 1992. The breathy vocals and relaxed tempos lead to an excellent atmosphere, with THOSE WERE THE DAYS getting stuck in my head the most.

In what should be a success story, Poison Girl Friend successfully caught the attention of Momus, who went on to produce her second album. The thing is, compared to her own work, his production here is dogshit! Never meet your heroes, I guess, especially when they’re Nick Currie.

Coaltar of the Deepers

not their best album, but easily the one with the best art

Oh man, these guys are legit. If my description of the final Flipper’s Guitar album made it come off as an eclectic genre mashup, then this band is downright overwhelming. We’ve got band members who are really into noise rock and abrasive metal. Others are clearly here for the shoegaze. And finally, there’s the one guy on synths who does electronica that sound like it’s destined for Ape Escape. Their early works jump between all of these from track to track at a breakneck pace, but they finally release a more coherently organized album with 2007’s Yukari Telepath. It starts off with some of the most aggressive metal you’ve ever heard, which gradually softens into shoegaze as the album goes on, with some spectacular dreamy electronica in the middle. When the breaks in Aquarian Age come on, or the jaw-dropping xylophone solos later on, you will understand.

Coaltar of the Deepers have a bunch of side projects with different lineups, and as expected they lean into the strengths of the members working on them. There’s the hardcore BP, glitchy electronica Watchman, and more atmospheric Sadesper Record. The CotD extended universe been one hell of a rabbit-hole to fall down, but they’ve kept me very busy.

Honorable Mention: Shonen Knife

Yellow Loveless is mostly a wash, but Shonen Knife’s cover of When You Sleep is better than the original.

I’ve spent most of this past year miserable. My physical health has decimated my mental health, and it’s bad enough that I couldn’t ignore the problems even if I wanted to. I’ve shied away from considering myself chronically ill so far, but when I write it all out and reflect on just how much all of this lowers my quality of life, it gets a bit more imaginable as a way to understand myself as I currently am.

One silver lining to all this trying meds and running tests and failing to be diagnosed is that we’ve eliminated a lot of the scariest possibilities. No cancer, no allergies, nothing that would show up on an abdominal CT scan, and my lungs are powerful and sexy and not the source of my intermittent breathing problems I forgot to mention earlier. I’m not going anywhere. But at the same time, it’s hard for me to even conceptualize a future where I continue to feel like this every day, for years or decades on end. I have to get better. In the words of Sufjan Stevens, I want to be well.

Hopefully next year’s music post comes with good news alongside the good tunes.

#12 days of anime #music

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silverspoonfedbraggart · 1 year

Text

I played alongside my little cousin

This thanksgiving

I used the culmination of my work experience

To elevate the dining experience

Of the youngest member of our family

Well at one point

Just like me

16 years i held onto that crown

Before stepping down

Glad to relinquish spotlight

She seemed so much more willing to perform

But i know the baby is pushing her from her stage for the first time

Shared limelight on the couch in the living room. As mother Mary hands her newborn to the youngest in the room. Without telling her to support the neck, a child holds an infant and the woman call to all to make more.

I look to my queer cousin with a shared reality that our ships have both sailed away from that idea of family. Though we like to come back for snapshots

But maybe Emma was even there as a new boy stole her fame

Something new always develops just out of frame

I’ll be the lighthouse that keeps her from crashing rather than a panopticon, watching for her to trip and fix it.

Adjourn the domestic sphere

For a brief recess

Play in the meadows-grown-over-farm-fields,

be gay backdropped by deer

She says she wants to play hide and seek

No on has asked me to play my favorite game in years

We Negotiate the game rules

But I tell her not to hide outside the fence

Out of bounds, off the map, what would her parents say if i lost her to the woods?

i slink into shadows to count

Riffle through the inventory to keep the magic alive with pretty rocks and natural history

Through whimsy teach her

how to really play hide and seek

We only talk about deserts and the extremes of ourselves

Loves and hates

When we reenter for dinner, I’m sorry to her that i got distracted from our game.

But i cant help but see the record skipping

As i look around the room

See so many that share my face, my brain, my, dna

To feel like you are the same

Yet you can’t sink in

To the seam of the couch

Because they remodeled the farmhouse

Gammie overplayed and overlayed

By leisas wallpaper in a warmer shade

The yellow wallpaper

I stare out and resist the urge to crawl on all fours

Like i did as a little girl

To talk to the animals

Since no one else would take the time

To listen

To understand me

But I’ve made myself understandable to Mankind, i am the ambassador at dinner for child and man, man and woman, the bridge between two spheres. Reconnect the bisected globe

I dont care who else is talking. I’m listening to her

Because she does that to me.

Takes my word on good faith

That i can speak to foxes and can tell stories in cards.

The looks of dissonance behind her eyes. As new information enters her mind and makes its place, the boxes of fact and fiction not unsealed in her mind, not to mentioned emptied and resorted. She opens her mind and the magic that i speak is real, and i get what Peter Pan meant

A boy healing his inner child

The little girl that curled and went dormant inside this suit of armor

Red riding hood was never cut out of the belly of the beast, but My Dear never learned to fear Canine teeth

So maybe I’ll gently lie to her about the details of our world. She’ll be ready to know someday. Until then

I’ll ask her questions and I’ll remember her answers because a 6 year old has a lot figured out

But still needs someone there to direct, guide, and lead the way

Through the woods and through the dark

To find discarded branches from trees

Sticks to throw to the dogs, make even the smartest at ease

And i tell her to only pick up the sticks from the ground

Because those were the gifts the tree left

And my little doe, if i wanted a strand of your hair,

Wouldn’t you rather i pick it off the ground than cut it from your head?

It’s an impossible wish for me to hope that she comes out of childhood, still intact

Maybe she won’t be consumed entirely, will be able to crawl back up the throat because she won’t wait in vain for someone to save her

I’ll teach her to save herself.

#thanksgiving #family #georgia

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idkwhatursayinh · 2 years

Text

다시 너를 (Once Again)

.—

“I’m flying back to Korea‘

“What...?“

“Its a once in a lifetime opportunity“

“What about me?“

“...“

Hurting words cut through the air, hitting right against your heartstrings. Your cheeks were stained with tears from crying,

It went on like that for a good month or so.

Until he finally left.

You were miserable after that, your only "companion" being the lazy jazz that played over the rusted gramophone and shot after shot of raw tequila burning down your throat.

For two years, here you sat on the chair of the bar every night, drinking and chipping your own heart away piece by piece.

--------------------------------------------------------

The lingering warmth of the sun shone delicately on your face as your eyes began to flutter open.

"Ah, i forgot to close the curtains last night"

You shuffled out of bed, Clad in nothing but a simple button-up and worn out sweatpants you had gotten four years ago. Today was Saturday, and you had no plans, so you decided to put on some music and finish off the impossible clay structure your professor had issued you to finish over the short two-day weekend, being an art major and having to put up with the unbelievable tantrums of your so called “free-spirited” art professor was hard. Really hard.

When you worked on your art, you were on a whole different level of self indulged, your mind would go completely blank, save for the ideas you’d have for the art piece, much like your ex boyfriend. He majored in music, and whenever he set his hands on the glossy keys of a birch wood piano, his mind was set free and he’d go completely blank in the head, fingers smoothly pressing down on the keys, he would play the most enchanting pieces, ones that would make your vision go fuzzy and sooth your mind. You used to like to think that this was one among the main reasons you had fallen for each other, when you met him during the time you had been asked to sketch a portrait of a pianist playing the piano. You had been buddied up with him, and you instantly clicked. You two had spent the entire evening that day talking while he played music and you sketched him on your art block, Enjoying the peaceful bond that had been developed between you two. Later that you two had went to a convenience store near your college for supper, as both of you were spent from the long day of posing and sketching, from there on you got to know him better, his personality, his friends. At one point he had told you about his raving air force addiction, mentioning the rows and rows of translucent drawers he had for storing them. But, not without a little liquid courage, of course.

A sudden buzz and the following sound of a familiar ringtone snapped you out of your memories, and you veered towards your phone, the caller being—Alas, the devil herself, it was your professor. You answered with the fakest voice you could muster up, not wanting to piss off your overly sensitive lecturer for the nth time.

“Hello Ms. Lila“ you said.

“My favorite student y/n!“

That was a lie

“I’ve got an amazing opportunity for you!“

“Its a one way trip to Seoul Arts University in Korea!“

You blinked.

Once

Twice

“...“

“Are you just giving me this chance because your actual favorite student Chloe didn’t want it?“

“Nonsense, how absolutely unreasonable of you to think that“

“Sure“

“Sooooo..... will you take it?“

You thought for a moment, the memories of the argument between you and h/n flooding back into your brain.

With the absence of an answer, your professor spoke up again.

“I would take it if I were you, the only reason that Chloe didn’t take it was because she couldn’t give up being with her boyfriend.“

“I think otherwise, you know. I feel like someone should put their studies in front of love, you’ve got your whole life to find a special someone, so why not use your youth when your still owning it to improve your skills and mindset, then when your ready, you can start looking for a significant other.“

that was the one time you had took her advice

“I’ll take it“

“Great! You leave at 10 a.m. next week Friday“

“SO SOON???“

and then she hung up

--------------------------------------------------------

You spent the remaining days you had packing anything and everything you had in your tiny apartment and handing in the months rent and the house keys to the landlord before thanking him for accommodating you for the past 6 years.

The day your department arrived, you were nervous, to say the least.

Almost millions of questions raced through your head

“would the koreans despise me?”

even though you had korean descendants....

“what if they made fun of my accent“

nonsense, you could speak korean dialect smoothly

your train of thoughts was interrupted by the lady announcing that your boarding gate had opened, so you followed suit.

Here it was, a new chapter to your life

you could only hope it wouldn’t bring you any hardships

but life always has other plans, whether you like it or not

--------------------------------------------------------

You had gotten yourself a part time job at a convenience store near your new university campus, it was the only way you could earn money to pay off the mile long worth of numbers that were printed on the page of the piece of paper you signed to the university when you arrived.

One particular day, however, you came across one of those ultimately drunk-off-their-ass rude customer, who stumbled his way to the cashier countertop while holding two full racks of beers. you eyed him suspiciously, anyone could tell he was greatly under korea's minimum drinking age, with the way he was dressed in a highschool uniform to the way he looked like he would black out with just another swig of alcohol.

"ID card please"

"i don't have it on me right now"

"sorry sir, but i can't let you out of this store with those without knowing your age first"

"i'm 23"

"i still need to check, please sir"

you were not the least bit phased, if the cameras had caught you selling alcohol to a high schooler, you could kiss your only way of securing a dorm at the overcharged university goodbye.

there was a long line behind the boy, and people were starting to get pissed at both him and you.

"look, lady, all i need is just for you to let me pay for these so i can get out and you can pretend you'll never see me again, got it? so please, just let me pay."

"im sorry, i can't-"

"you brat"

the boy raised his hand, eyes silently threatening to slap you across the face

and boy, believe me, that he did.

well, at least, until a hand came and stopped him.

a deep monotone voice spoke up.

"please be respectful sir"

you looked up

he looks familiar

...

its him

h/n

he looked at you

and you swear you saw his pupils widen

his voice softened, but with the same sternness, he spoke again:

"please leave if you can't give the cashier your ID card."

the boy, not wanting anymore trouble, shot glares at the both of you and left while a string of profanities fell from his mouth.

h/n looked back at you for a couple more seconds, and left too

your mind clouded with thoughts about him as you tended to the last few customers before closing up the store

Does he have a new girlfriend?

i hope she treated him well

How's he doing in his music major?

you're sure he was better than ever in that

Oh he looked as handsome as the day he left, maybe even better, he had outgrown messy hair, and judging by what he wore, he probably had just cane out of his apartment

did he want to buy something but couldn't bear the embarrassment of seeing you so he left instead?

you pushed the thoughts to the back of your head as you felt the gush of natural wind hit your face and the bells jingled as you pushed the glass door open.

You started fumbling with the locks and keys in your pocket quickly so you could get home and have a good nights sleep, but not failing to notice h/n standing near the shop with his back against the wall.

Was he waiting for you?

you began to feel nervous and anxious, excited, maybe, for the man you used to love and hadn't seen in over two years had just so coincidentally appeared on your night shift in a convenience store on an unsuspecting Thursday night. Some people might even call this fate.

you trudged along the path, you could feel his eyes on you.

Was he just staring?

is he going to talk to me?

if not, why is he still here?

"y/n" He finally spoke.

You whipped your head around to face him

"....yes?" you answered.

there it is

there is was

that smile

that god

damned

smile

"Fancy seeing you here" he chuckled

You smiled back, you couldn't hide the little part of you that was relieved for seeing him again after so many years.

After a moment of staring into his eyes, like you've always done when you were still together, you broke the silence

"Would you like to come over?"

"Of course"

--------------------------------------------------------

You fetched two wine glasses you stole from random diners, and a bottle of rose you had been gifted on your birthday.

setting the glasses on the table, you took a seat next to h/n and poured yourself and him a glass.

"How have you been?"

"mmm...fine"

"I'm sorry"

Confused, you look up at him

"what do y-"

"I'm sorry for just leaving without talking to you about it, i was under a lot of pressure"

The temperature started to rise, and you felt beads of sweat starting to form and slide down the nape of your neck

Maybe it was the liquor, or maybe it was all the pent up anger you had against him.

not letting your guard down, you asked:

"what kind of pressure?"

"it was my parents, some from my friends"

"That's not an excuse"

noticing the sudden change in demeanor, h/n softened his gaze.

"If you had been put under all that pressure, why didn't you come out to seek advice from me? Did i mean so little to you that you didn't even bother to ask me for help? Did you completely forget the first rule of being in a relationship was to be honest and tell each other about our worries so we could figure them out together?"

tears began prickling in your eyes

h/n's heart broke into pieces seeing you like this

"You should have known that the two years after you left i've been miserable, every day i contemplated if i had done anything wrong to have you leave me like that, it was just all so sudden, you suddenly just told me you would be leaving one day, everything was perfectly fine before that."

You began babbling all the pent up sadness while tears streamed freely down your eyes, but he cut you off by wrapping his long arms around you, a familiar warmth embracing you.

"But im here now"

"i promise i won't leave you again"

"i promise"

you put your hands around his neck and you snuggled into his chest, his musky scent never changing since three years ago until now, it gave you a sense of security, like he would always hug you when you stressed out over unfinished assignments the day before they were due.

"i trust you"

"be my girlfriend again?"

--------------------The End----------------------

word count :1,848

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