#I love Nina Zenik more than she loves cake | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jazzythursday · 8 months

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⭐

for the ask 😁

Ahh, making me choose between my own children, huh?

From In careful moderation (of all good things)

“But what if there isn’t?” Wylan says, getting a bit heated but unable to stop it. “What if it’s like, you aren’t used to having sweets, right? What if you get so used to not eating them that you forget what they taste like, and then one day someone comes along and gives you a big cake, and you eat all of it, and then there isn’t any left? What if you don’t get to have any more cake after that, ever again?”

…

“It’s my experience,” she says kindly, carefully, “that—cake—doesn’t really work like that. If you worry so much about running out, it’ll just go bad, and you can’t eat stale cake, or—well I have, but I wouldn't recommend it, anyway—Wylan, you’ll miss out on so many things, not letting yourself enjoy them. And, really, it’s people who bake cakes, who love cakes. And they bake all different kinds, so you can always go back and get more, and they might even be better than the first. And I imagine that—Saints, alright, look”—she breathes sharply and squeezes Wylan’s hand again—“if this person really loves baking cakes, I imagine they’d feel pretty awful, then, if they gave one to someone who didn’t eat it.”

So so soooo. I just really love Nina and Wylan as friends in general, but I felt like for so many reasons Nina was the perfect person to have this conversation with him. I love the ways Nina is described in the books, and one that’s always stuck out to me is Matthias saying “she savoured everything, whether it was a toffee or cold water from a stream or dried reindeer meat.”

Nina enjoys things, and she doesn’t hold herself back, which is Wylan’s entire MO/coping strategy and in a lot of ways it has protected him, but now he’s at the point where it isn’t going to work anymore. Nina and Wylan’s perspectives are entirely different, and I love the idea of that having benefits like this, where Nina gets to say hey, this is not the only way to be. You can and do deserve to let yourself have the things you want. It’s okay to be happy.

At the same time, the conversation is too hard to have using literal terms, and so The Cake Metaphor—Wylan has been deprived of cake (love and affection) for so long that even now that he has it he’s terrified that it’s going to be taken away from him like it’s been before so many times. And it all comes back to Jesper. Jesper isn’t cake, he’s the baker, and ultimately it’s Nina saying that holding himself back from him wouldn’t just hurt Wylan, it would hurt Jesper, too, that really drives the point home. Even if it’s not intentional, keeping himself from enjoying this new relationship without fear would feel like, in a lot of ways, a rejection of/to Jesper. And I don’t know that Wylan would recognise that on his own, because Wylan doesn’t value himself enough to see how much Jesper offering it to Wylan is such a big deal for him too.

Tldr: there’s going to be a learning curve in terms of giving and receiving love, and I think as happy as Wylan is about Jesper and the key, there are still so many ways he’s going to struggle in terms of not expecting it to be taken back, or believing he deserves it at all. But this is a start.

Also, if you can’t tell, author loves cake about as much as Nina Zenik loves waffles. I’m with Nina on this literally, too. (Author has also eaten stale cake before. I also wouldn’t recommend it, but I don’t regret it either…)

Am I sort of talking to myself in this story because I also get so afraid of losing things I care about before I’m ready that I put it off until it’s too late anyway so the choice isn’t mine anymore? No! Uh… Why do you ask?

#I did not mean to write that much and yet I think I could go on for a 6 page essay on Wylan accepting that he is deserving of love #i’m so normal about them #(i’m not)#wesper #wylan van eck #shadow and bone #six of crows #jesper fahey #jazzy writes #ask game #nina zenik #ask games

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tiikeria · 3 years

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Send help, I’ve fallen into a new fandom head first.

#personal #fandom #it’s six of crows #I just finished the duology #and I’m starting Shadow and Bone #Jesper Fahey and Wylan Van Eck are my sons #Kaz Brekker is a bastard and I love him #Inej Ghafa is a badass and I want to be like her #I love Nina Zenik more than she loves cake #Matthias Halvar is a pure puppy #that is all

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lilisouless · 2 years

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Wylan : Didn't know you could knitt

Matthias: I am learning, i want to make socks that go with Nina´s new dress

Jesper walking around with a bell: SIMP,SIMP,SIMP

Matthias: What is his deal?

Wylan rolling eyes: He is simp-shaming you , just ignore him

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Inej: "laughts"

Kaz: "breaths"

Jesper: SIMP,SIMP,SIMP

Kaz: I am gonna kill you in your sleep

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wylan: You are the best thing that happened to my life and i can't believe how lucky i am to have you...

Jesper: SIMP,SIMP...

Wylan: REALLY? RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WEDDING VOWS?

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Nikolai: Does this suit look good on me?

Zoya: You look like a clown

Jesper: SIMP SIMP...

Zoya: What? i said he looks like a clown!

Jesper: Please, i know a hostile flirting when i see it

Zoya: How did you even got into my chamber?

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Nina: I will tailor you all the times you want until you become confortable, but please just leave the lips, i really love them

Jesper: SIMP,SIMP-

Hanne: Is not like that! i tell pretty things to her too

Jesper: oh, pardon me (pulls out another bell) SIMPS SIMPS SIMPS

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David writing : Cause 8 or Genya´s smile; a strawberry cake. Remember it makes her happy in her next birthday,but before testing if she likes it better than blue berries. Also Nina Zenik´s advice notes say that people like when their partners notice a change in their phisical so i could make her know i notice how her lips get sligthly more red when she eat those strawberries

Jesper:... i am not making fun of him

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Jesper while holding a sleeping Wylan: simp simp simp

Matthias: He is not even awake! what do you think he is dreaming of you or something?

Jesper: He definitely is, but this is actually shaming for me. My leg is numb because i refuse to get him off and my hand is tired of stroking hair , i still can't stop. SIMP-SIMP-SIMP

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moonlitmeeks · 2 years

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𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐬 - 𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐚 ��𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐤

pairing; nina zenik x gn!reader

summary; you and nina try your hand at some spooky baking

warnings; food mentions

a/n; you'd never be able to tell im a baker from this i swear- also this is not proofread!! apologies if it seems a little ooc, hope you enjoy!! <33

“nina, love, i’m not too sure this is right.”

“trust me darling, i know what i’m doing.” nina murmured, wiping a smudge of icing from her face with the back of her hand, the pale mixture standing out beautifully against her rosy cheeks.

it smudged across her cheekbone stubbornly and you bit back a smile, properly wiping it away with a stray tea towel as she earnestly whisked together the ingredients.

your countless attempts of encouraging nina to slow down had been ignored, her vigorous mixing actually ensuring more icing ended up on the kitchen counter than in the bowl, but her eagerness was too cute to crush.

a broad smile was encased by her forever plush lips, whilst her face was flushed from the exertion and her hair was messily swept back; happiness was made for nina zenik.

halloween was slowly approaching. so it only seemed right to try your hand at baking some spooky treats to satisfy your girlfriend’s sweet tooth. it was supposed to be quick and easy, a simple afternoon of fun.

supposed to be.

the kitchen was nothing short of a chaotic mess, dishes overflowing in the sink and grainy puddles of sugar in trails surrounded you both. it would take a while to clean up, that was certain.

your attention was currently focused on a batch of vanilla cupcakes: simple yet delicious and fun to decorate in whichever way your hearts desired. the recipe book had assured you it was a perfect starting recipe for beginners, but judging by the mess you both had created, it may have slightly overestimated the level of talent the pair of you possessed.

nina scooped a generous amount of icing onto her forefinger and held it out to you with a raised eyebrow. pressing your finger to hers, you took a bit of the frosting and tasted it, allowuing the flavour to process for a moment.

god, did it taste amazing.

“saints nina, that’s heavenly.”

she beamed at your praise, allowing herself a taste before nodding in agreement.

“i am good, aren’t i?” she joked, placing the bowl onto the counter to think over her next move.

you floated around her, setting up bowls, food colouring, and piping bags so you could properly decorate your cakes and turn them into the masterpieces they were destined to be.

seconds later, bowls of deep green and orange shades sat before you, open and inviting you to use them in any way you wished to create your vision. this was definitely a pretentious and pompous way to put it, you realised, when you voiced this aloud to nina. yet, she was all too in love with the idea of splendour, and took on the tortured artist role perfectly.

all your attention was on the cupcakes in front of you. carefully, you piped on swirls of the frosting, sprinkling with some edible glitter and other decorations you had managed to get your hands on. nina hummed to herself as she worked, and you couldn’t help but join in with her, your vopices growing louder as the minutes passed.

“for saint’s sake!” jesper exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. “i love you both, but can you two keep it down?”

his eyes locked onto the cakes.

“cupcakes! they look good- ow!”

with his features contorted in betrayal, jesper nursed his hand to his chest, cradling it gently. nina simply shrugged, showing no remorse for smacking his hands away from your desserts.

“hands off jes, they’re ours.”

this isn't one of my favourite pieces ever, but i still thought it was quite cute, so i hope you do too!! reblogs/feedback is much appreciated <3

nina zenik taglist; @wlfstxr @cozyballofanxiety @lxncelot @ms-heartbreak-queen

halloween horrors masterlist !

six of crows masterlist !

#becca's halloween horrors!#becca's writing #nina zenik #nina zenik x reader #nina zenik x you #nina zenik imagine #nina zenik fluff #six of crows #six of crows x reader #six of crows x you

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luna-writes-stuff · 2 years

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hi! i hope you're having an amazing day <33 i was wondering if i could have a grishaverse and a riordanverse match-up? my pronouns are she/they and i'm a lesbian infp hufflepuff. i love writing and really want to be an author. i love to bake, especially cupcakes & brownies and i could talk about flowers, astronomy, and poetry for hours. i try to stay away from conflict but i can hold my own in a debate. and i'm very active in local clubs. i'm very smart & empathetic. tysm in advance <3

Grishaverse, Nina Zenik:

- Nina has a bit of a sweet tooth herself and has a very specific love for cakes and pastries. Finding out you love to bake, she will always use it as an excuse. She claims it is great quality time, and though this is partially true, she loves to eat the bakings afterwards. Nina is not a great cook, but she is a quick learner. She often throws in too much sugar or flour, so you’d have to teach her to slow down on the use. Careful though, because she will do it again on purpose just so you can make an entire new project.

- She loves to chat. She has trouble shutting up at times and - obviously - isn’t afraid to say what she thinks. However, the second you begin talking about things you enjoy to explain about, she’s quiet. Dead quiet. Simply listening to everything you have to tell her. She is genuinely so interested. And she remembers everything. She has a great memory to those kind of things. If there are ever questions about it, she will answer them in deep detail, holding your hand tight while mentioning that you taught her that, every five seconds.

- Nina is a walking conflict. She loves chaos, and if she cannot find it, she will create it. Though you try to stay away from it, it will be difficult with her. You’d have to be the one to pry her away and calm her down often. She gets pissed off pretty easily. Just hold her hand or run your hand down her back and she’ll come to her senses. She loves snuggling with you afterwards, simply ranting about the whole issue while you stroke her hair gently. She often falls asleep like that. It’s endearing.

——

Riordanverse, Hazel Levesque:

- Hazel loves poetry and the art of writing. She finds it is a great way to collect stories and spread them over the years. Knowing her s/o practices that art makes her so happy! She cannot get enough of it. Regardless of what you write, she will encourage you the entire way. Fantasy? An amazing look into that brain of yours! Historical fiction? Will absolutely help you with some aspects (I have a headcanon where she is really great at history). Biopic? Taken aback by how well you can write those things. Super supportive in everything you make.

- Speaking of writing, the two of you share amazing conversations over poetry. You love talking about it and she knows a surprising amount about the genre. Both of you learn things from each other that you would have never found otherwise! Nights at the campfire at either Camp Halfblood or Camp Jupiter are more often than not spent discussing new collections and authors.

- Fights are quite rare for the two of you. Both of you are empathic and know when to stop an argument before it worsens. A lot of people get ballistic because of it. Conversations like “you two never fight?” take place so often, that it became some sort of inside joke. Share a simple look with her and her smile will make you wave off the entire thing. You truly could not care less about what others have to say about a relationship that isn’t theirs. You and Hazel are happy and that’s the most important part.

——

#1000 followers celebration!#matchup requests closed!#riordanverse #grishaverse #Nina zenik #nina zenik x reader #soc #shadow and bone #shadow and bone Netflix #hazel Levesque #hazel levesque x reader #pjo #hoo #heroes of olympus

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qqueenofhades · 3 years

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I’ve just finished PEL, and I adored it! I know your inbox is probably full of asks right now, but I’m going to shoot my shot here and ask because I think it would be hilarious: cute little scene of Matthias meeting Ninas parents? (I just can’t stop thinking about this adorable hopeless blond lump of muscle stumbling over words and actions while meeting the rough, Russian man that is Nina’s dad. I do so live for the image of Matthias making a fool of himself in ALL possible scenarios!)

"Stop fussing," Nina says under her breath. "You look fine."

"Yeah, well." Matthias, undeterred by her reassurances, pulls at the collar of his shirt one more time, obsessively checks that his fly is zipped (apparently he thinks that her parents may pants him?) and does his best not to sweat too visibly, though it's still and sticky and a haze lies on the lowlands of Bologoye as they stand on the step and screw up the courage to knock. "Your parents have never met me, I married their daughter without even asking, your dad sounds more than a little terrifying, they thought you were dead for two months, they may think I kidnapped or attacked or otherwise forced you, and you actually did get attacked by not only the GRU but also the goddamn Nazis. It's fair to say that I'm a little nervous."

"You'll be fine," Nina says automatically, though it's true that this is a daunting roster of misdeeds with which to win over Sergei and Anastasia Zenik. Well, Sergei Zenik at least. "They'll just be so happy to see me that they won't care. Here. Look."

She raises her hand. Waits. Doesn't knock.

"See," Matthias says, softer. "You're nervous too."

"All right." Nina swallows hard. "Maybe a little."

That means, however, that she has to face up to it, and they have come this far, are literally standing on the stoop of her childhood home, and that is much farther than she thought they would ever get. She makes her hand into a fist, steadies it, and knocks.

Five minutes later, Nina and her mother are still crying, Anastasia Zenik has seized hold of Matthias and eyed him critically from head to toe, humphed in a mildly disapproving but relieved fashion, and conducted them posthaste into the kitchen. Sergei is asleep, though he will be up in about forty minutes for his usual night shift, and that is if his wife does not go in and wake him now. "No," Matthias says hastily. "No, uh, Mrs. Zenik, you don't have to do that."

Anastasia eyes him up and down. "You seem like nice boy," she says at last, in her broken English (Nina will probably have to translate). "Take care of my Ninushka?"

"Yes," Matthias says hastily. "Yes, absolutely."

Anastasia remains cordial but unconvinced, serving them both seed cake and tea from the samovar, until there's a creak in the hallway and Sergei shuffles into sight, yawning. At the sight of their unexpected guests, he stops dead, stares, and then -- the first time in his life he has ever done such a thing -- runs into the kitchen and hugs Nina fiercely. "You are here!" he exclaims, choking up. "You are here! I hoped -- I did not think -- you are here. You are here."

"Yes, Dad." Nina sniffs hard and hugs him back. He is tall and square and solid and smells vaguely like nicotine and industrial machine lubricant and the discount vodka brand from the tabak, the same as he always does, and it strikes her again that he is here, and so is she. "This is... this is Matthias Helvar. My... my husband."

Sergei turns a gimlet eye on the newcomer, who is currently attempting to look as small and insignificant as a six-foot-four blond, muscled Viking possibly can. "Er." Matthias's voice breaks on the edge of a squeak. He gets up, wipes his hand on his shirt, and offers it tentatively for a shake. "Sir, it's... very nice to meet you."

Sergei likewise performs the parental once-over, from head to toe, before he takes it. "You Norwegian, Nina say?"

"Yes, sir." A bead of sweat forms on Matthias's forehead. "That I am."

Sergei paces a circle around him like a grey-maned elder statesman of the pride inspecting a young lion, as Matthias does his utmost not to flinch. Then he nods smartly, reaches out, grabs Matthias by the shoulders, and -- as Matthias is clearly preparing to be flung headlong out the window and land face-first in some convenient dung heap -- kisses him ferociously on both cheeks. "Welcome to family, son! We drink! Have toast. Nastya! Pour drink for us!"

Matthias looks deeply startled, but also heinously relieved, and Nina winks at him. See, she mouths. Told you.

(They do drink, and as expected, Matthias is snoring on the table after the first two shots. Nina loves this man, really she does, but if he is married to a Russian, he will have to learn how to hold his liquor.)

#anonymous #ask #pel asks #helnik #helnik ff #matthias x nina #a phantom in enchanting light

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a-dandelion-dreamer · 4 years

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Books with Bisexual Characters

I’ve always been a book lover, and lately I’ve been taking note of some of the bi characters I meet along my journey. I thought I’d share some book recommendations.

First, In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan. I love this book so much—it’s honestly one of my favourites. It features a bisexual protagonist, Elliot Schafer, who goes across a wall into a magical, fantasyland and actively rebels against its war-like ways, choosing to draft treaties instead. He’s a snarky, grumpy, pacifist who has relationships with people of multiple genders throughout the course of the book. This book is super funny. Seriously, it made me laugh out loud on more than occasion. It also features truly phenomenal character development and explores the joys and trials of friendship between Elliot and his two best friends Luke Sunborn (the shy golden boy, born to a warrior family) and Serene-Heart-in-the-Chaos-of-Battle (a bold elf whose society’s gender roles are completely flipped). Shenanigans ensue.

A quote:

“‘Why is language in the Borderlands so weird? Some of it’s modern, and some of it’s medieval, and I guess that makes sense with the influx of a certain amount of new blood to the training camp every year, but how do some words and phrases transfer, while others don’t? Why do you know the word ‘jerk’ and not the word ‘bisexual’?’

‘I guess people say the first word more,’ said Luke.”

Next, The Nevernight Chronicle by Jay Kristoff. This epic three book series features badass bisexual Mia Corvere. It’s dark, bloody and heart-breaking, with an endless series of twists. Mia’s parents were killed during their attempt to start a rebellion and her quest for revenge leads her to join a school for assassins. Follow Mia’s journey as she attempts to bring down the leaders of the Republic with her constant companion, Mister Kindly, the wise-cracking shadow-that-is-shaped-like-a-cat. I loved this series as well. It’s a very different tone from the recommendation above (don’t get attached to your faves!) and it’s marked as adult fantasy (be prepared for sex and violence), so be warned, but wow, is it a wild ride!

Books by Ellen Kushner!!! I recently discovered her and I’m in love. Ellen Kushner herself is bi and has a wife who is also a writer. The two of her books I’ve read so far are Swordspoint (published 1987!) and The Privilege of the Sword. Both are fantasy of manners with bisexual duelists as protagonists. Swordspoint features Richard St Vier, an elite swordsman, as well as his close companion (and lover) Alec, a sarcastic scholar with a mysterious past. The Privilege of the Sword is set in the future of the same world, featuring a young girl named Katherine (who I love with all my heart) as she’s called by her uncle to the city to embark upon a path nontraditional to a lady, that of a swordsman. Both are excellent and super fun!

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee. Meet Lord Henry “Monty” Montague as he embarks upon a Grand Tour of Europe (the historical fiction version of a road trip) with his best friend Percy (who he’s hopelessly in love with) and his sister Felicity (who’s ace and has her own follow-up book which I also recommend – the Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy). Monty is charming, privileged, hilarious and the definition of a disaster bisexual. Follow along as the three of them stumble into hijinks and character development.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman. Our main girl Frances Janvier is a study machine whose only respite from academics is the fan art she draws for a podcast called Universe City. Then one day, the mysterious narrator asks her if she wants to collaborate. In a relatable turn, Frances is bi, but it’s just a part of her identity and the focus of the book is not a romance. Instead, it’s all about friendship and finding platonic soulmates and figuring out what you want to pursue in life. Alice Oseman’s writing is lovely and she tackles issues that feel very modern and relatable. I’ll also mention her webcomic (which you can find online for free) Heartstopper, which follows the romance between two boys Charlie Spring and Nick Nelson (and includes Nick’s bisexual crisis).

A quote:

“And I’m platonically in love with you.”

“That was literally the boy-girl version of ‘no homo’, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. Speaking of bisexual crises, meet Alex Claremont-Diaz, whose mother is the President of the United States. His long-time rival, Henry, is a prince of England, and after an incident involving an expensive cake, the two are forced to fake a bromance for the sake of international relations. Actual romance blossoms instead.

Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey. In the land of Terre d’Ange, the motto is “Love as thou wilt”. Phèdre is a bisexual courtesan who receives pleasure from pain. Another adult fantasy (published 2001!), our heroine trains as a spy and is increasingly entangled in a web of politics and plots.

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater. This series is well-known, but I love it! Maggie Stiefvater’s prose is atmospheric, littered with small details that reward a reread, and her character relationships are complex. This series is a gem full of magical realism. Here’s a shout-out to our bisexual boy, Adam Parrish!

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. Again, another popular book (part of a duology), but the hype is totally deserved! A diverse crew sets out on an impossible heist. Let’s send some love to two bisexual icons, Jesper Fahey and Nina Zenik!

A quote:

“If only you could talk to girls in equations.”

There was a long silence, and then, eyes trained on the notch they’d created in the link, Wylan said, “Just girls?”

Jesper restrained a grin. “No. Not just girls.”

Those are some of my favourites that I’ve come across so far. Hopefully I’ll find some more! I’m always open to book recommendations, especially those that feature queer ladies :)

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dregstrash · 5 years

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Fever Dreams and Shadow Games

A/N: Ahh!!! Chapter 5 of this amazing collab with @wafflesandkruge. We’re getting close to the end and both me and wafflesandkruge want to write the best chapters we can, but life is getting in the way so we’re going to be posting every two weeks from now. Thank you for sticking with this story and for showing it all the love and support!!!

AO3

Tagging: @aditiiparasharr @strummoner @itsbrilliantjustlikeyou @but-she-was-aelin-galathynius @shadowbusiness @privateerrezni @roonill--wazlib @the-jennster @the-regal-warrior @kazual-crow @ipizzippy @inkpot-dreamer @bookwormsincebirth @hollyblue2171 @ysitsohardtofindaname @fluffy-hedwig

Previous Chapters: 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 ||

CHAPTER 5: Dinners with Jesters

The crowd was collectively holding its breath. Even Nikolai felt his grip on the seat tighten as Kaz moved towards the grand finale of his act. The heavy material that lay flat on the surface couldn’t have been hiding a trap door. Nikolai knew the layout of the grounds where the Cirque de Lie was set up. There’s nothing but hard packed dirt, and yet with a flourish and a spark, Kaz twisted the heavy material and out appeared three large boxes decorated in the circus’ colors. With dramatic flair that could rival a film star’s, he kicked open the boxes to reveal that they were weighed down with heavy lead pipes, a fact that made his feat all the more impressive.

The people roared and Nikolai joined them. He would have to ask Brekker how he did that. That is, if he chose to tell him the truth.

“You’re acting like a child,” Zoya said as she got up from her seat and smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress.

“You mean I’m properly appreciating magic,” he corrected, brushing off popcorn kernels from his suit.

“You mean tricks?” she countered.

Nikolai opened his mouth to counter her point when Wylan reappeared at the entrance.

“If the gentlemen and the lady would follow me,” he asked formally. “Mr. Rollins, will Alby be joining us?”

“I suppose not,” Rollins sniffed, “He seems to have disappeared.”

“I’m sure he’ll turn up, sir,” Wylan responded stiffly, his brassy accent stark against Rollins’s polished one.

Nikolai and Zoya were the last ones to exit the closed off section. Vasily and Rollins followed Wylan closely, but Kirgin fell back to walk beside them.

“Truly spectacular show tonight, don’t you think?” he asked, clapping Nikolai’s back good-naturedly. If he was any other man, the behavior would have been suspicious. But Kirgin had always been a simple man with a penchant for debauchery and any sort of title that would make him seem a little more honorable. Up until this election, he was a dear friend of Nikolai’s.

“It was indeed,” Nikolai responded absentmindedly. He watched as Vasily bent down to whisper something in Rollins’s ear.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen that particular acrobatic routine done before and I was just at last night’s show!” Kirigin continued, not seeming to notice Nikolai’s inattention.

“You go to the circus often, Kirgin?” Nikolai asked, surprised.

At this the other man gained a bit of a flush and side-eyed Zoya before leaning in towards Nikolai conspiratorially. “I find the circus’ company a bit more….flavorful than regular women….”

Nikolai forced a smile. “No need to say anymore.”

“And when your brother invited me for another night I could hardly resist,” he said at a normal level.

“Why did he invite you along?” Zoya asked, wedging her way into the conversation.

Kirgin’s face brightened even more. “I haven’t the faintest, Miss Zoya. Something about smoothing over relationships and good shows of faith.”

While he was busy staring at Zoya, her eyes caught Nikolai’s and they held each other’s gaze in an unspoken question.

If Vasily brought Kirgin along to show the people that there was no bad blood between them then that couldn’t have been a coincidence. Either Vasily was overconfident and bringing Kirgin was merely part of him flaunting the fact victory was almost his. Or his brother knew something he didn’t.

“Welcome, welcome!” A woman’s cheery voice greeted them at the entrance of a large circus tent and Nikolai forced his mind into the present.

Nina Zenik had changed out of her performance clothes and in its place she wore a low-cut red dress that clung to her in all the right places. The glitter that made her sparkle under the firelight during her act was still lightly dusted onto her face and shoulders, casting her skin in a beautiful glow. She made eye contact with each of the guests, but let her startling green eyes linger obviously on Rollins.

“We hope the gentlemen and lady enjoyed tonight’s show,” Nina purred as she and Wylan helped get them seated around the large wooden table ladened with different foods and drink, “And we hope that tonight’s supper can measure equally.”

Nikolai was seated to the left of the head of the table with Zoya to his right and an empty seat directly in front of him. Next to Zoya was Nina who was giving her utmost attention to Rollins. Vasily was across from him sitting directly next to Matthias—who looked like he was ready to snap his plate in half with every giggle out of Nina’s mouth. Kirgin was placed next to Jesper closer to the end of the table and, from what Nikolai could see, the pair were already chatting away.

As the company sat, waiting for their illustrious host to make an appearance, Nikolai couldn’t help but marvel at the strategy of their placements. With Rollins and Vasily far enough from the head of the table and properly engaged with the rest of the circus cast, whatever conversation Nikolai and Zoya night have would be protected.

“Hope you enjoy the food,” a dark voice said suddenly. Kaz emerged from another entrance of the tent. He wasn’t wearing his dark red coat when he came and sat by Nikolai. He was dressed more in the fashion of respectable gentlemen with a dark coat and a simple vest. His gloves were still on.

“It’s a bit rude to keep your guests waiting, is it not Mr. Brekker?” Vasily asked, looking down his nose as Kaz leaned back in his seat.

“Unlike pretending to run your father’s business, running a circus is quite complicated, Mr. Lantsov. It must take up a bit more of one’s time when the show ends.”

Twin spots of red appeared on Vasily’s cheeks, but before he could spit out whatever retort was on his tongue, Kaz had already moved his attention to Rollins. And Nikolai was sure that he didn’t make up the darkness that flickered over the depths of Kaz’s eyes. While he looked at Vasily like he was a child to be pushed away, he looked at Rollins like a cat playing with a mouse.

“I hope you find the food to your satisfaction, Mr. Rollins,” he said. To his credit, his voice didn’t betray an ounce of the malevolence his eyes held.

The man tore his attention away from Nina to give Kaz a patronizing smile.

“I’m sure it’s of a fine enough quality for common people.”

Nikolai felt Zoya stiffen beside him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked calmly, which was never a good sign. Nikolai had had to apologize to enough people who’d suffered Zoya’s wrath to know.

“Let’s not pretend that the circus business is so ludicrous that it would have the finest of foods.” Rollins smiled as if that made it better.

“Not everyone has a taste for richer foods,” Nikolai said. He painfully remembered the days after he got home for the war. His parents had thrown him a luxurious party. All of his schoolmates were there, drinking to his survival and to their victory. And as far as the eye could see were cakes and meats drenched in rich sauces and dips.

He could clearly remember himself painfully smiling through the crowd while pretending that every loud noise or every bang of a chair didn’t make him tense-- always waiting for the next gunshot or attack. Then someone had pressed a plate of food into his hands and he’d had no choice other than to take at least a nibble to be polite. Years of eating hard bread and watered down soup had made his tongue a hard and unrelenting thing that only ate to live. His mouth was not prepared for the assault of the spices or the density of the food.

It was a miracle that he had excused himself gracefully enough to throw up in the bathroom where a soft knock had interrupted his retching.

“It’ll get better,” Zoya had said quietly, slipping into the bathroom. Nikolai had been too sick to even tease her about what other people might say if they had seen her. She had placed a wet towel against the back of his neck, cooling the burning there. “The first time my aunt had tea, I could barely keep my eyes from watering when I ate the cake she ordered.”

“I hate them,” Nikolai had grumbled, his head pressed against the edge of the sink. “I hate that they eat and drink as if it were easy. As if there is always going to be food. Dominik--”

“Wouldn’t want you sulking,” Zoya had said crouching down to where he was. Her dress had been silver and it wrinkled as she knelt beside him. She had forced him to turn his head to look at her and he steadied his racing heart in the blue of her eyes. “Forget about them-- You don’t have to be who they want you to be anymore.”

He had barked out a laugh. “Of course, I do. Which of us has been lying to their aunt that they’re looking for a husband amongst that lot?”

Zoya rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I mean and you know it. You were almost blown out of the sky, Nikolai.” He winced as a memory of fire and thunder flashed in his mind. “You should have died, but you didn’t.” She was holding his face now. “And that means everything after I picked you out of the sky is extra. Every heartbeat, every moment you have right now is extra life and that means you can do whatever the fuck you want with it.”

Nikolai remembered those words so vehemently. He remembered the moment they fully sunk in and took root in his mind. The small seed grew into a tree of possibilities and had given Nikolai enough strength to walk back out of that bathroom with a smile on his face and a determination that belonged to a renewed man.

A renewed man, but a man who never forgot the pains of the old life.

“Forgive my brother, Mr. Rollins,” Vasily interjected. “It seems his tastes have been much affected by the war.”

“What would you know about it?” Nikolai asked struggling to keep his voice in control. “I don’t remember you fighting in the trenches.”

“A gentleman never forgets his manners.”

“And an ass never seems to stop being one,” Zoya retorted, loudly enough that Jesper had to use a coughing fit to cover his laughter.

“Anyways,” Nina drawled, breaking the tension by pulling Rollins’s attention back to her. “May I interest you, Pekka, in a fortune reading? I don’t do it for free for just anyone you know? Kaz over there makes me charge normal guests two pence each fortune.”

“I don’t know, Miss Zenik,” he purred disgustingly as his hands wandered a bit too low on her back. “I’m really not one to believe in all that hocum.”

“Oh, just give it a try.” She winked at him as she pulled out a deck of tarot cards from her sleeve. “You never know, you may like it.”

Nikolai wanted to watch as Rollins finally gave in and Matthias looked like he wanted to lay him flat, but Kaz chose that moment to lean into his ear.

“Watch your back, and Nazyalensky’s too. Things might get a little get messy on your end, Rollins and your brother are planning something.”

“What?” Nikolai couldn’t help but let out a cough of surprise.

“Local gang is involved. That’s all we have for now. I’ll send a couple of my guys to trail you tonight.”

“I’m assuming your acrobat is on the hunting grounds,” Nikolai said gesturing to the empty seat in front of him.

“Inej is….out there. But don’t worry that pretty little head, Lantsov. We’ll try to get you out alive and on top.”

“Kaz Brekker, did you just call me pretty?”

The younger man smirked at him and leaned away, leaving Nikolai to turn this piece of news over in his mind. Vasily was willing to hurt him? He could expect some of that behavior from Rollins, but his own brother? Maybe a small part of Nikolai wanted to believe that despite all their differences, there could still be a way for Vasily to be the older brother that he used to admire. Looking at his smug face from across the table, he knew that he was being naive. Vasily was a selfish prick at birth, he didn’t stop being one in his adult life.

“Oh my dear, how wrong your little spirits are.” Rollins had somehow gotten even closer to Nina’s side, and brushed the hair at the back of her neck off her shoulder. “Are you sure you heard them correctly?”

“Why yes of course I heard them correctly.” Nina smiled as she brushed her hand across his chest. “The cards very clearly say that your closest friends are the esteemed Mister Buckley, Lord Cavenaw, and Mister Kantor.”

“No, no, no.” A knuckle on her cheek, a dangerous look in his eyes. It was a disgusting display that Nikolai was surprised Kaz allowed for one of his closer circus performers. “You wound me, my dear. I’ll have you know that I run with a finer circle of gentlemen, not the riffraff you described. Why, I just dined last night with Lord Chamberly, Lord Terrence, and Lord Christansen. Fine men that keep this city running.”

And keep you in office, Nikolai thought as he took a sip of his wine. Rollins had half the city’s politicians in his pocket. Keeping the rich where they were and leaving the poor to suffer and suffer. But his reign of terror was ending. With Kaz’s plan he could change everything. He just had to survive long enough to get elected.

--------------------------------------

Nina needed a hot, rose petal bath. She needed one this instant with a plate of chocolate dipped strawberries and a glass of champagne. It’s what she deserved after a long night of flirting with that awful man and his cheap cologne. But what she had instead was a half-empty bottle of vodka the kitchen staff saved for her.

She understood why bad men did terrible things, but why did they also have terrible taste in scents? Rollins’s disgusting musk clung to her clothes and despite her attempts to breathe through her mouth, nothing was helping.

Matthias was silent the whole way as he walked her back to her tent, and she almost wanted to tease him about having a lot of restraint tonight, but that also would make her remember the hot sweat of Rollins’s palm on her cheek. She swiped a sleeve across her cheekbone, trying to get rid of the phantom touch, but all that accomplished was wafting his scent right into her nose. She grimaced.

“Are you going to be alright?” Matthias stopped her at the entrance and placed both hands at the sides of her face.

“Of course, I am,” Nina scoffed, leaning into one of his palms. “And you shouldn’t worry so much. You sound like a fussing mother.”

“I know you hate those jobs,” he said instead bringing her closer, shifting his arms to wrap around her waist.

“You hate those jobs, Matthias. I just hate awful pigs who don’t know how to properly dress themselves.”

“Your insults are weak tonight.” He placed a kiss between her eyebrows.

“I can get nastier if you want me too, my love,” she said sleepily.

“You should rest. I will see you tomorrow.” He kissed her sweetly and let her go, and Nina couldn’t have loved him more. It had been a long road to get the sweet, soft-hearted boy hiding behind the large group of muscles to come out, and the wait had been worth it. Matthias knew when to give Nina space and when to love her gently. He knew what her favorite snacks were when she was upset or when she was happy. He was everything she deserved.

Nina watched Matthias turn out of view before starting to walk inside her tent, but not before she heard the sound of sniffles coming from inside.

“Inej?” Nina cried incredulously. Her eyes adjusted to the dim lamplight, and still she had to blink a couple of times before she could comprehend the sight sitting on her bed. Inej hadn’t changed from her dark leather and cotton and was hugging her knees to her chest as tears slid down her cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“Arjun left.” Inej said it so quietly that Nina was glad she had moved to sit on the bed beside her. “His cover is blown. My whole unit is gone. Everything fell apart.”

Nina knew that Inej had something to do with the Indian liberation. She never spoke much about it or gave her details, but Nina was Inej’s closest friend and she knew how much that work was worth to her. But it was more than that, Nina realized, because Inej was crying and with a little more silence Nina knew why.

“You didn’t go with him,” Nina said. Inej didn’t say anything. “I thought you’d always planned on going home.”

Inej didn’t confirm or deny Nina’s statement, but her tears came faster. Nina didn’t want to push. So instead she waited, which was never really one of her strong suits.

“I- I almost did,” she said shakily, “I went as far as the pub. Then I couldn’t. I looked back and I saw the tops of the circus tents and I thought of you and Wylan and Jesper and Matthias and--”

She cut off abruptly, but Nina understood.

“Kaz?” She wasn’t trying to finish her sentence. Nina had asked an all encompassing question that went beyond the list of people that had become part of this mismatched family that had somehow banded together.

Inej nodded.

Nina sighed.

“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you what a bad idea having feelings for Kaz Brekker are considering you’re one of the smartest people I know. But are you sure about this?”

“I- I don’t know Nina. It’s not just about Kaz.” Her voice hitched on his name, but she continued talking. “There’s so many of my people still trapped here. And I’m just supposed to give up because of one man? I’m just supposed to stop caring because someone decided that it wasn’t safe anymore?”

The tears stopped and with every word Inej’s voice got stronger.

“This is the last job, Nina,” she declared, finally taking a deep breath. “After this scheme with Lantsov, I’m-- I’m going to quit the circus.”

“What are you going to do?” Nina asked, already unscrewing the top of the vodka bottle.

“I want to do more for my people. I want them to stop living like second rate peasants just because of the color of their skin. I can do more. I know I can.”

“Oh you will,” Nina said, smiling and pouring her a drink in one of the glasses on her bedside table. “Because you’re Inej Ghafa the greatest acrobat and wraith to ever live. You can do anything you want.”

Inej finally smiled and took the glass.

“And Kaz?” Nina tried after taking a drink. The vodka left a pleasant burn in the back of her throat.

Inej’s smile dropped slightly. “I don’t want to talk about that-- at least for now-- Can we just drink and pretend we can do anything?”

Nina laughed and toasted Inej’s glass. “My dear, we don’t have to pretend at all.”

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queen-of-quiet-darkness · 7 years

Text

About My Girls, and about Myself

I have lived my life reading books about these incredible women doing incredible things- but lately I’ve realized the impacts of the women in some of my most recent reads that have really changed my life and they have taken a special place in my heart because of it.

Feyre Archeron, Nesta Archeron, Mor- A Court of Mist and Fury Aelin Ashryver, Mannon, Elide Lochan, Hell ALL of the Thirteen- Throne of Glass Series Nina Zenik, Inej Gafa- Six of Crows Laia and Helene- An Ember in the Ashes

All of my life, I have wanted to be a strong woman- If I am being perfectly honest, I wanted to be a warrior. With armor, and a sword, wiping the blood off my face with a shirt sleeve, I’ve felt that warrior woman in my soul. Stirring when I raged at life, when I fought with family, when I went about my life, and my whole life I did not know how to reconcile that piece of me with the expectations of a woman today, what people want girls to be- small, soft, demure, all made up, and quiet, because that was so different than anything I wanted for myself. I wanted a fight and I wanted to be respected and fearsome and fierce and brave and strong as hell. I wanted to be a force of nature, you know? I was never interested in what my mother tried to tell me about getting boys to like me- I’ll never forget what she said “They aren’t looking for someone to fight, love, they are looking for someone to save.” she smiled and touched my hair. I never understood what she meant, because I was always looking for a fight- even when I was younger I knew that there was a certain kind of intimacy in a fight. Not with fists, but the struggle- the fight of life, of just having to be- it was all a fight, and I never wanted to be saved- all I ever wanted was someone to fight next to me.

So I did what most girls did that were not interested in that girly mold they try to shove us all into- I became a “tom-boy”, hated everything that was normally associated with girls and put on cons, combat pants and too big t-shirts. I shudder today to think of middle school me- and high school rolled around and my mother screamed and begged me to at least put some make up on, still I resisted. In my wisdom, I though that accepting those pieces of girldom that were thrust at me would lessen me- would lessen that warrior in myself, and I thought that jeans, and flannels and mens t-shirts and beanies were better gear than anything else. Makeup didn’t make me a warrior, dresses definitely didn’t make me a warrior, I was weaker and less because of those things. So I never wore a dress willingly, or put on makeup for anything other than family holidays or party’s- always only when it was expected of me.

I’m twenty two now- and I have read hundreds, if not more, of books where badass warrior women are the main character- but up until the books that I have read in the past few years those warrior women that I loved were never allowed to just be women. It was always things like, they had to pretend to be boys so they could train, they were women but they were so masculine (all cargo pants and slick-backed hair), used only for love interests, then to be stripped of their warrior status once a man came to care for them- they were never allowed to be women once they became warriors. Just like I had never allowed myself to be a woman- never allowed myself to enjoy the fact that I was a girl, that I was, in fact, a woman.

Then these characters came along, all of these women, even Mannon and her Thirteen, are WOMEN who are warriors. They allow themselves to be feminine and soft and beautiful but then they are also more than able to kill a man on a moments notice. They are smart and fierce and beautiful and vicious- their femininity does not take away from the fact that they are WARRIORS. That they will all step onto a killing field, and fight, and rage, and triumph, and then they wash the caked on dirt and blood out of their hair- step into a dress and dance with a man that loves them and fought beside them. And to have that man not think less of her because she picked up a dress instead of fighting gear- and for that woman to not have to pick between the fight and being a woman because she is already inherently both and there is no one without the other and one is not lesser because of the other. And to have someone love that woman, Love her and not want to save her- but want to fight beside her?

It has changed my life. These women have changed my life.

And the fact that I, a twenty two year old woman, spent my whole life denying that the two could be reconciled. There was no warrior if there was femininity- there could be no femininity if there was a warrior. I spent most of my life denying myself of a huge aspect of my existence- of feeling sexy, beautiful, feminine. And I did not know I was keeping myself from feeling powerful and ferocious by refusing all those pieces of womanhood I felt a warrior would never accept.

It’s thanks to all of the women that I listed- Feyre, Mor, Aelin, Elide, Helene, Laia, Nina, Inej- it is thanks to them that I have embraced myself entirely. In all my ferocious, beautiful, raging, feminine warrior glory.

It might be foolish- but it makes me happy to think that they would be proud of me, and would all be more than happy to walk into battle beside me.

#bloodstains and eyeliner #my warrior women #ACOMAF #SOC #TOG #ember in the ashes #It's long and I'm sorry-#@sarahjmaas #@leighbardugo #@sabaatahir

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