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englishstrawbie · 2 years

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Serendipity (37/?)

Fandom: Station 19, Grey’s Anatomy

Characters: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca

Summary: A chance meeting at a bar leads to these two idiots falling in love. Follows canon and fills in the gaps of their relationship that we didn’t get to see on screen.

Note: I merged this chapter with Beyond The Door There’s Peace, which I wrote back in March 2021, just after the episode aired. It’s not a complete copy and paste of that fic, but I didn’t edit as much as I thought I would because I realised that I couldn’t write it any better. If you read that story, I hope it doesn’t detract from this chapter. It’s long and full of grief and emotion, so hang in there!

Also @ AO3.

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22:50

A thousand moments I had taken for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more. - Morgan Matson

She doesn’t notice the walk from the pit to her office. She doesn’t see the familiar halls and the familiar faces that greet her every day at work, it is all a blur. All she knows is that her hand is safe in Maya’s as she leads her through the hospital. If anyone speaks to her along the way, she doesn’t hear it. Her brain is fuzzy and there is a buzzing in her ears that drowns out any thoughts she might have. It hurts her head but she is grateful for it because it stops her from thinking about Andrew, from seeing the fear and pain on his face as they wheeled him out of the trauma room.

It can’t be real, she thinks to herself. Someone is going to wake her up any moment and tell her she is having a nightmare. Because it can’t be real.

Carina is a doctor and, okay, she’s an OBGYN but she has seen her fair share of traumas. This feels different. It is personal, it is her baby brother about to be on that operating table, the victim of a horrific act of violence that she couldn’t stop from happening. They had so many chances to walk away and they didn’t, they kept going, and now Andrew is fighting for his life.

She remembers the day their mama collapsed, how she found her on the floor of the kitchen in her tiny apartment, pale and still, with barely a pulse. She called out for help then too, but no-one had come. She had fumbled for her phone and called for an ambulance, but she already knew it was hopeless, that Mama was gone.

Is she going to lose someone else she loves today?

Her body aches, full of tension, and she feels prickly, like she is on the edge of snapping. She hears Maya tell her to take off her coat but her limbs don’t follow what her brain is telling them to do and she sighs with frustration.

“I’ll do it,” Maya says softly.

She is gentle with her movements as she slips her hands inside the lapels of Carina’s coat and pushes it off her shoulders. She slides it onto the wire coat hanger that hangs on the back of the door. Carina’s sweater follows and she obediently raises her arms so that Maya can pull it over her head. She watches as Maya folds it neatly, knowing that Carina always takes care of her clothes, complaining when she drops hers haphazardly on the floor after a twenty-four hour shift when all she wants to do is fall into bed and sleep.

They don’t talk about the blood stains that have started to dry into the soft cashmere, that will be a bitch to get out.

Maya finds a Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital hoodie in one of the cupboards and Carina slips it on. Her fingers fumble with the zipper and Maya steps in front of her to do it for her.

“Thank you,” Carina says in barely more than a whisper.

Her eyelids feel heavy as the pounding headache gets worse and she squeezes them shut briefly, leaning against the edge of her desk to keep her steady.

“Do you want some Tylenol?” Maya asks.

Carina nods her head. Maya retrieves a half-empty packet from her top drawer and passes them to her. She has to swallow them dry, gulping several times until she can’t feel them stuck in her throat any more.

“What do you need?”

It is not an easy question to answer. She needs for this day not to have happened, she needs for her brother not to be on his way to an operating room right now. There is nothing that Maya can do to make either of these things happen.

“I think… I need to pray.”

She doesn’t go to church much any more, except at Christmas and on her Mama’s birthday, but her belief in God hasn’t wavered. Even with all the grief and loss she has suffered over these last few months, when others might question His plan, she has kept her faith. She needs to believe more than ever that He will make sure that Andrew gets through this – even if she does hate Him a little bit right now for putting her through this again.

“Okay. How about we go and wait in the hospital chapel?”

Carina nods. Before they can leave, there is a knock on the door and they turn to see Ben in the doorway.

“Hey, I just came to see how you’re doing?”

‘How do you think I’m doing?’ Carina wants to snap back at him, to point out how stupid his question is, but she doesn’t. Instead, she says nothing.

She feels Maya slip her hand around hers and squeeze it gently.

“We’re just about to go the chapel,” Maya says. “Are you heading back to the station?”

“No. Gibson’s on his way there now with the aid car, but I was gonna hang around here for a bit,” Ben says. “If that’s okay with you, Captain?”

“Of course,” Maya says. She offers him a small smile. “Thank you – for today, for being there.”

He glances at Carina, perturbed by her silence, then back to Maya. “If there’s anything else you need, just shout.”

With a short nod goodbye, he backs out of the office, closing the door quietly behind him.

“I should be with him,” Carina says suddenly. “Andrea, I… I should be with him.”

It feels wrong that she is not by his side, holding his hand. She doesn’t care what he said, what Owen said, she should be with him. She shouldn’t be here.

She pushes herself away from the desk, but her hand is still in Maya’s and she holds her back.

“Carina…”

“No!”

Her voice grows louder, the fear and frustrations bottled within threatening to spill out. She steals her hand away from Maya.

“They wouldn’t let me go with him. You wouldn’t let me go with him.”

“Babe…”

“And now he’s alone.”

“Hey, hey,” Maya says, placing a hand on each of Carina’s arms. She struggles against her; she doesn’t want to be calm and still, she needs to rage, but Maya doesn’t back down. She gently guides her to face her. “He’s not alone.”

Carina’s eyes point downwards at Maya’s pristine white starched collar, stubbornly refusing to meet her eyes. Maya tucks her fingers under her chin, encouraging her to look up.

“He’s not alone,” she repeats. “Owen is there with him. And I bet that everyone in that OR is someone who knows him and cares about him. Because that’s who he is, he’s someone that people care so much about.” She runs the back of her fingers across Carina’s cheek. “He knows you’re here. He’s not alone.”

“What if he needs me?” Carina says quietly. “What if…”

“Don’t think like that,” Maya interrupts, knowing what she is about to say. “We have to stay positive, right? We have to believe that he’s going to be okay.”

She says it with so much surety that Carina starts to believe it. Her shoulders sag as Maya draws her into her body, wrapping her arms around her. Her arms are warm and comforting, and she leans into the hug, letting Maya support her body weight for a moment. She doesn’t want to fall apart, she needs to stay strong for Andrew – until he is better.

“Come on,” Maya says softly in her ear. “Let’s go to the chapel.”

Carina’s hand is back in the safety of Maya’s as they walk through the hospital. She keeps her head down as they go, avoiding the curious looks and sympathetic glances from her colleagues. Some of them offer kind words of hope and best wishes, and Maya thanks them but doesn’t stop moving.

The chapel is empty when they get there, which isn’t unusual these days because of the lack of visitors during the Covid restrictions. Maya holds the door open and lets Carina walk in first. The room is cold and she shivers, wrapping her arms around her body as if it will do some good. Maya comes up beside her and puts her hand on her back, but it is too soft and she steps away from her, walking up to the candles.

People have been here before them, flames already burning. Carina closes her eyes and prays to God – begs Him – to make sure Andrew is okay. She picks up the box of matches to light her own candle, a gift to God for hearing her, except her hands are shaking and she has to strike it several times before it catches fire. She lights the first candle, then discards the match before it can burn her fingers, taking another out of the box – this time to light a candle for her Mama. Only her hands won’t stop shaking and the match scrapes against the side of the box without catching fire. She keeps trying to no avail, getting more and more frustrated with each stroke.

Over her shoulder, she hears Maya’s phone buzz.

“Warren got called to a four-alarm downtown.”

It irritates her – that someone is trying to call her away, that she bothered to check her phone in the first place.

“Do you have to go?” Carina asks gruffly.

The match in her hand refuses to light and she huffs.

“Carina, I'm not going anywhere,” Maya tells her and she feels relief washing over her. She can’t do this without Maya.

And then Maya is by her side, a hand on her wrist to stop her from striking the match any more.

“Hey, hey.”

Maya takes the match and the box from Carina, leaving her hands empty but still shaking, so she stuffs them into her pockets, clenching them into fists. The match lights up on the first strike and Carina watches as Maya lights a candle.

She wishes Mama was still alive and there to tell her that everything will be okay, to give her reassurance like only a parent can do. They were such a unit when she was younger – Mama, Andrew and her. With Papa’s focus on work so much, and his mood swings becoming unpredictable, the time spent just the three of them are some of her happiest memories.

“Before she died, Mama called us two halves of one whole,” Carina says. Maya looks at her curiously and she smiles. “It loses something in translation. My dad, he thought we were completely different, but my mom knew that we could not breathe without the other.”

“One year, when Dad was too manic to talk sense to, he, um, spent all our Christmas money on stuff he didn't need…” She turns and walks over to the front pew, sitting down. Maya follows, listening to her story. “…but Mom saved up and she surprised us with one gift. A pair of roller skates.”

She can’t help but smile at the memory. They had spent the day moping about the lack of presents and she remembers Mama sitting them down on the couch, persuading them to close their eyes and putting the gift in front of them, waiting with her camera to capture the moment they saw her surprise.

She should find that photo.

“Andrea tried to give them to me, but I put on the left and he put on the right, and we held the other two legs up like flamingos and skated around the house.”

She can still see the way Andrew’s face lit up, can still feel the joy of knowing how much Mama loved them. She can still hear the squeals that echoed around the house as they skated – well, tried to skate. They weren’t very co-ordinated and kept bumping into things. One of Mama’s vases had crashed to the floor, breaking into tiny pieces; but instead of being angry, Mama had tipped her head back and laughed.

Andrew does the same thing when he laughs and he looks just like her. She has always envied him for that.

Her eyes fill with tears again when she thinks about Andrew on the operating table and the fear of losing him washes over her once again.

“Two parts, one whole.”

She joins her palms together and waves them through the air, like Mama used to do, then drops her head into her hands to cry again. Maya slips a hand around her waist and slides in closer, her free hand running over her hair and pulling her closer. Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder and burrows her face into her neck. Her sobs fill the room, echoing off the white-washed walls. Her chest heaves, her breath catching in her throat, and she feels Maya gently rubbing her back.

She doesn’t let go until she feels Carina’s body still against her. Even then, she keeps her arm wrapped around her waist as Carina straightens up.

“I’m sorry,” Carina says, drying her cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie.

“Hey, you’re allowed to be upset,” Maya scolds her lightly. She leans in and presses her lips against Carina’s temple, kissing her softly.

Carina smiles as the gesture. “Thank you. I know today – the inspection – was important to you…”

“You’re more important,” Maya says, cutting her off.

Carina knows what it means to hear Maya say that – a woman who is so focussed on her job, so determined to climb the career ladder, that she won’t let anything get in her way.

“No wonder you’re Andrea’s favourite,” Carina teases her, enjoying the sound of the small laugh that escapes from Maya’s lips. “You’re mine too.”

They lean into one another, resting their foreheads against each other. It is going to be hours before they get an update and Carina already feels exhausted from the waiting. Her mind goes to unspeakable places and she tries so hard to stop it, to put good thoughts into her head, but they are overshadowed by all the bad ones. The pandemic, the losses she has seen – both personally and professionally – have all chipped away at her, knocking her optimism and zeal for life off kilter. She feels a weight bearing down on her, the load only lightened by Maya’s presence.

The minutes tick by slowly. Maya tries to fill the silence sometimes, but Carina barely engages. The only way to get through this is to keep her mind blank, to numb the fear as much as possible. Carina stays in her seat, while Maya paces up and down the pews sometimes, unable to sit still for too long.

Carina finds herself humming at one point, the song she used to sing to Andrea when he was little.

Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle…

It is a song that Nonna taught her, that she would sing to Papa when he was a little boy – passed down the generations, she always told Carina that she hoped she would one day sing it to her own children.

“Merda!”

Maya stops her pacing and looks at her. “What?”

“Papa,” Carina says slowly. “I haven’t told Papa yet.”

“Can you imagine Papa's reaction to this right now?” she had asked Andrew earlier that day on the train. She thought it was cute, that they would tell him of their adventure racing around the city. How stupid that was in hindsight. Her stomach flips and she worries for a moment that she is going to throw up. She swallows thickly.

Maya walks across the chapel and sits beside her. “Do you want to call him now?”

“I… don’t know,” Carina says. She looks at Maya with pleading eyes, needing her to make the decision for her.

Maya sees it in her face. “Maybe you should wait until you get an update from Owen?” she suggests. “There’s nothing your dad can do from Italy and he’s only going to worry while he waits for news.”

Carina nods. It makes sense. She can’t cope with her father’s erratic emotions on top of her own right now.

A knock on the door interrupts them and they turn in unison, expecting to see a doctor or nurse and are instead surprised to see a police officer stepping into the chapel. Maya recognises him immediately, despite the black mask on his face.

“Officer Patterson,” she greets him, standing up and putting her own mask on. Beside her, Carina does the same. “Is everything okay?”

He nods. “I wanted to let you know that the suspect, Opal, has been arrested and charged,” he says. “We were also able to identify the man responsible for stabbing your friend.”

“My brother,” Carina points out. “Andrea is my brother.”

Patterson looks sympathetically at her. “We have his name. Opal gave him up pretty quickly when she thought it would do her some good.”

Maya raises her eyebrows. “She’s trying to cut a deal?”

Carina turns rigid, angry at the thought. They both notice the change in her body language and Maya puts a calming hand on her arm.

“Don’t worry, it won’t get her very far,” Patterson assures them. “I spoke with Captain Rendon and we’re expecting them both to get a decent amount of jail time. I thought you’d want to know.”

“Thank you,” Maya says. “We appreciate it.”

Patterson turns to Carina, his face softening underneath his mask. “I’m very sorry about your brother. I hope he’s okay.”

Carina nods. “Thank you.”

They watch as Patterson turns and leaves, the heavy door swinging shut behind him. Once they are alone again, Carina removes her mask and shoves it back in her pocket, exhaling slowly.

He had done it. This whole day of running around the city on Opal’s heels had ended the way that Andrew wanted – with Opal behind bars.

She just hopes he didn’t sacrifice himself for it.

Carina’s body slumps as she feels a wave of grief rush through her again and her body sways gently, until Maya’s hand is on her back, leading her back towards the pews to sit down.

“Deep breaths, okay?” she says softly.

Carina nods, her shoulders sagging. Her hands won’t stop shaking and she shoves them back into her pockets. Maya reaches out and puts a hand on her knee, squeezing it in comfort. She doesn’t say anything, like she knows that Carina is tired of making small talk. All she wants is to know her baby brother is okay.

Please God, just tell me he’s okay.

As if God is listening, the doors to the chapel open and they turn to see Owen and Teddy step inside. Carina is on her feet immediately, desperate for good news. She hooks her mask over her ears and waits for one of them to speak.

“The wound was more severe than we'd hoped, but he's pulled through,” Owen says.

It takes a moment for his words to make sense in her head. “Oh my God,” she murmurs.

“He's alive,” Teddy says in the simplest terms. “Your brother's alive.”

“Oh my God!” Carina cries, louder this time, the relief and joy flowing from her. She reaches out to them, though still keeps a distance. “Oh, it hurts not to hug you right now.”

They laugh and Carina feels the tension dropping from her body. Of course he will have a long recovery ahead of him, but he’s alive and she had been so frightened that she had lost him.

“Hey, look at them while you hug me,” Maya says, sliding her hands around her waist.

Carina practically falls into her arms, crying with relief, holding Maya as tightly as she can.

“Thank you,” she says over her shoulder to Teddy and Owen, who smile at her underneath their masks.

They turn, leaving Carina in Maya’s arms.

“He’s alive!” Maya says gleefully in her ear.

Carina nods against her shoulder. Maya’s arms are strong around her and she leans into her, letting her embrace hold her steady. Her hands finally feel like they have stopped shaking and she grasps at Maya’s jacket.

When they finally pull back, Carina removes her mask for a moment to wipe the – this time happy – tears from her cheeks. Maya lifts one hand to help her, the tips of her fingers soft against her dry cheeks. Her own cheeks are wet with tears, happy and relieved herself that Andrew has made it through his surgery okay.

“He’s alive,” Carina repeats.

“Yeah, he is,” Maya says. “He’s gonna be okay. And he’ll be back to annoying you like a little brother does before you know it.”

Carina pulls Maya into another hug, holding her tightly as she laughs again. She can’t wait.

“I want him to come and live with us.”

Maya pulls back and looks at her quizzically.

“Just for a bit,” Carina clarifies. “While he gets better. I want… I need to be the one to take care of him.”

She knows it is a big thing to ask when they have only just moved in together, but Maya is quick to agree. “Of course, whatever you want” She smiles. “You wanna go see him?”

Carina nods, yes. She needs to tell him that she loves him, that she’s mad at him for being so stubborn and big hearted, and that she will never let him do anything like this ever again.

Slipping her mask back on, they walk hand-in-hand through the hospital towards the surgical recovery ward. A sign on the door reminds them that only hospital personnel are permitted inside – Covid rules. Rules that can’t be broken, not even by a local fire captain.

Carina hesitates. Maya has been her side all day.

“It’s okay, you go,” Maya says.

“Are you sure? I know he’d love to see you too,” Carina says.

Maya’s eyes twinkle playfully. “Because I’m his favourite? You know I’m going to make him tell me about all the girlfriends who came before me,” she teases.

“He needs his rest,” Carina jokes back. “He shouldn’t be talking a lot.”

“Oh, so there’s a lot to talk about, is there?” Maya laughs.

Carina smiles as she steps towards her, taking her hands as she closes the gap between their bodies.

“I’m so glad you were with me today,” she says quietly.

“There’s nowhere else I would have been but with you.”

Carina leans down and presses her forehead against Maya’s, closing her eyes and breathing in the mix her scent. They stand there for a minute, maybe two, until Maya’s cell phone buzzes in her back pocket.

Maya pulls it out and reads the screen. “It’s an update on the four alarm fire,” she says. “The team are on their way back to the station.”

“Why don’t you go and check up on them?” Carina suggests. “And get an update on the inspection.”

“No,” Maya objects. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

Carina smiles. “It’s okay. It’s probably going to be a while before Andrew wakes up. Besides…” her hand rests on the front of Maya’s shirt where Andrew’s blood has stained it red. “…you should get changed.”

Maya looks up at her. “Are you sure?”

Carina nods. “I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Maya agrees, although still reluctantly. “I’ll be back within an hour. I’ll grab some food on the way back, I bet you haven’t eaten all day?”

The mention of food makes Carina’s stomach grumble.

“Food would be good,” she says. She looks around to make sure no-one is too close, then pulls her mask down over her chin. She does the same to Maya’s mask and leans down to kiss her softly.

“I love you.”

Maya smiles. “I love you too.” She lifts her mask back up over her mask. “Say hi to Andrew for me, okay?”

Carina watches her retreat back down the corridor, then turns and pushes the double doors open, walking into the surgical recovery ward. Owen is stood by the nurses’ station.

“Hey Carina,” he greets her.

“How’s he doing?” Carina asks.

Owen gestures towards a room nearby and she falls into step beside him.

“We’ve taken him off sedation,” Owen tells her. “He suffered a lot of bleeding, but his vitals are stable.”

Andrew lays still, a tube down his throat to help him breath and wires linking him to the various machines that are monitoring him. Despite being taller and broader than she is, he looks small.

“Oh, Andrea,” Carina says softly.

As if he knows that his big sister is nearby, Andrew starts to stir. His eyes open and he looks around the room, momentarily confused by his surroundings.

“Hey, hey,” Carina calls out to him, rushing into the room and perching on his bed. She picks up his hand and rubs it between hers. “Hey. Easy, easy, don't try to talk.”

He looks towards her, his eyes slowly focussing on her. His face softens in recognition.

“You did it,” she tells him. “It's over. They arrested the woman, they arrested the man who stabbed you. You saved so many children, Andrea.” She smiles through her tears. “But I’m still mad at you.” She points her finger at him playfully and he smiles back at her. “Now, blink once for morphine and twice for "I'm a dummy who will never ignore his sister ever again”."

He blinks once, knowing it will make her laugh – which it does.

“You’re such a dummy,” she says. “But I love you. And I’m so proud of what you did today.”

She runs the back of her hand over his cheek.

“Maya says hello,” she remembers to tell him. “She’s checking on her team, but she’ll be back later. I’ll try and sneak her in to see you.”

Andrew gives a small nod of his head, a sign that he will be happy to see her too. It is not long before his eyes start to droop already, just being awake too much effort for him right now.

“Get some rest, okay,” she tells him. She climbs off the bed and pulls a stool close, keeping hold of his hand the whole time. “I’m going to stay right here.”

He frowns and she knows it is his way of telling her to go and get some rest, but exhaustion wins and he drifts off. Carina sits with his hand in hers, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath. The song they sang on the train comes back into her head and she finds herself singing softly to him, like she did when he was a little boy.

“Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle,

Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle,

I tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa,

E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra.”

As she sits and waits, Carina realises how much she hurts – not just mentally, but physically as well. Her whole body feels heavy from the grief and exhaustion that it carries. She straightens her spine every now and again, rolling her shoulders back and trying to soothe her aching muscles, everything feeling tight. What she wouldn’t give for a glass of wine and hot bath right now.

Her cell phone pings at one point, a message from Maya, letting her know that she is about to leave the station. Carina sends a message back to tell her that Andrew had woken up for a moment and asking her to swing by Little Roma for her favourite fettucine dish, craving some comfort food right now.

Andrew stirs every now and again, giving Carina the chance to talk to him a little – reciting some Italian poems and telling stories from their childhood, something soothing to help keep him calm. The tube down his throat means he can’t talk back to her, but his eyes let her know that he is grateful she is there.

As he sleeps again, Carina leans back in her chair and reaches her arms above her head, stretching and yawning at the same time. It is almost nine p.m. but she feels like she hasn’t slept in days.

“You look exhausted,” comes a voice from behind her. She turns to see Owen in the doorway.

“I’m okay,” she lies. She looks back at Andrew. “I don’t want to go home and leave him here alone.”

“You want me to get you some coffee?” Owen offers.

She realises that coffee would do her some good right now – even if it is the crappy cafeteria kind.

“I think I’ll stretch my legs, go grab a cup,” Carina says. “You’ll be here?”

“Of course,” Owen says. “I’m just catching up with charts out by the nurses desk.”

Carina stands and makes her way to the door, pausing when she is next to him and reaching out to place her hand on his arm. “Thank you, Owen. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, Carina,” Owen says with a nod of his head.

She walks slowly through the hospital, her body too tired to rush. Andrew will be drifting in and out of consciousness for a while, and she knows he is in safe hands with Owen nearby. She avoids the vending machines and heads to the cafeteria, ordering an extra shot in her coffee. There are only two other people in there, those on a late night shift who are taking a much-needed break. Carina occupies a table by the window, looking out at the people below. She can see the admissions tent lit up in the dark, still a line of people waiting to be seen.

It is hard to believe that it was only fourteen hours ago that she bumped into Andrew in the parking lot. So much has happened since then.

She runs her hand through her matted hair. Maybe she should have asked Maya to bring her a hairbrush. Her bag is still in the trunk of her car, abandoned outside the train station, no doubt covered in parking tickets by now. She’ll have to ask Maya to retrieve it for her tomorrow.

She rubs her tired eyes as she waits for the caffeine to kick in. Her cell phone buzzes with messages from colleagues who have heard about Andrew, offering get well wishes. Everyone is so kind and thoughtful, and her heart is warmed by the way they all care so deeply about him. She has never worked at a hospital like Grey Sloan. Before she moved to Seattle, Andrew would tell her that they were like a big family and she had always scoffed disbelievingly. It turns out he was right, just like he was right about a lot of things.

Like Opal. Why hadn’t she listened to him instead of brushing off his concerns as another manic episode? He had been adamant all those months ago that Opal was abusing the girl she had brought to the hospital but Carina hadn’t believed him. No-one had believed him. Well, that would change from now on.

Once her coffee cup is empty, she makes her way back to the surgical recovery ward. The nurses’ station is empty and Carina looks across to the other side of the floor where everyone is piled into another room. She can hear the familiar beeping of the machines that tell her a patient is coding and she says a silent prayer, as she always does, before slipping into Andrew’s room.

Her blood runs cold when she sees the horror before her. Andrew is gone, a space where his bed should be. Wires that once connected him to the machines now hang loose and the screens that once told her that his heart was still beating in his chest are blank.

And the blood – there is so much blood.

It is smeared across the pale tiles where the wheels of the bed have rolled. Footprints of all shapes and sizes have been left behind, a trail of breadcrumbs leading out of the room and towards the elevator that she didn’t see before, too caught up in her thoughts to notice it.

“Oh Dio, no…”

She becomes aware of someone by her side, talking in her ear, but she doesn’t hear what they are saying. Their voice becomes distant and there is a whistling in her ears as she starts to run down the corridor and towards the operating rooms. Her eyes quickly scour the surgery board and she spies her brother’s name against OR 3. People call out to her and she ignores them, making her way towards the gallery. She only stops when someone grabs her arm, a firm hand resting just about her elbow.

“Carina, no.”

Her head whips around angrily.

“Let go of me!”

Richard loosens his grip but doesn’t let go entirely. “You can’t go in there, you know the rules.”

‘Fuck the rules,’ she thinks, but even in her despair she remembers her manners.

She looks at him desperately, her eyes pleading for empathy. “I should be with him,” she says. “He needs me.”

“Hunt and Altman are with him,” Richard says. “They need to focus on what they’re doing. There’s a reason why we don’t allow family members in the OR, you know that.”

He oozes sympathy towards her. Carina’s body trembles with fear and anger, and she shakes him off, can’t bear his touch, but she doesn’t disobey him.

“D.I.C.?”

She already knows the answer. She knew when she saw the lumps of coagulated blood on the floor of his room. She has seen it before, a complication from childbirth sometimes.

“Yes,” Richard says sombrely. “They had to open him back up, they’re transfusing him now.”

“Is…” she can barely ask the question but she needs to know, "…is he going to make it?”

Richard pauses before he answers and she knows why. “I don’t know,” he answers honestly.

Carina feels her body convulse and there is a sharp metallic taste in the back of her throat as bile rises up from her stomach. Her hand flies to her mouth and she finds the wall behind her, using it to keep her upright. She fixes her eyes on a black mark on the opposite wall, filling her lungs with air and exhaling slowly, desperate to stop the contents of her stomach from ending up on the floor.

Richard stays by her side. “Let’s get you somewhere quieter,” he says softly.

She nods and lets him lead her away to a private room, blocking out the stares and whispers that follow her as they walk. He calls for Helm and tells her that he is going to check for an update, asks the young woman to stay and sit with her while he is gone.

Taryn is a sweet, kind, smart resident, if a little naïve about the world, and Carina usually has time for her but not today. Her sad face and trembling lips and wide eyes are too much for Carina to bear right now, so she mostly ignores her.

“Car-“ Taryn changes her mind, deciding she doesn’t know her well enough to ignore formalities in the current circumstances. “Doctor DeLuca, is there anything I can get you?”

Carina has only one answer. “Maya.”

She doesn’t know how much time has passed since her last message but she figures Maya must be close to the hospital by now and she is the only person Carina wants with her.

“I can try and call her?”

Carina reaches for her cell phone. Her hands won’t stop shaking and it takes her a moment to open the screen before she passes it to Helm. Taryn stands up and moves to the far corner of the room, as far out of earshot as she can to make the call. Before she has the chance, the door swings open.

“Carina?”

Maya rushes into the room and is by her side in seconds, the takeout container in her hands flung to one side. Her arm is tight around Carina’s back, her breath warm on her neck as she leans in close. “I’m here.”

Carina sits in a stunned silence, her eyes glazing over as she stares at a scuff on the tiled floor.

“We have to stay positive, okay?” Maya says, although her voice wobbles and she doesn’t sound as sure as she did a few hours ago.

Carina shakes her head. Maya didn’t see the room or the blood that was left behind. She doesn’t know what it means to go into D.I.C. or to have your chest ripped open for a second time in a matter of hours.

“He must be so scared,” is all she can think and say.

“What can I do?” Maya asks. “What do you need?”

Carina shakes her head. She doesn’t know what she needs.

Maya understands her silence. She leans forwards and places a kiss on her temple, then leans her forehead against hers. Carina reaches for Maya’s jacket, grasping it tightly, desperate to do something with her hands to stop them from shaking. She squeezes her eyes shut and takes a deep breath, taking in the heady scent of Maya’s perfume, newly sprayed as she had freshened up at the station.

She pleads with God to save her brother, promises to do anything He wants if only He will make sure that Andrew lives.

They stay like this until a quiet knock at the door captures their attention. Carina’s head jerks upwards just as Owen and Teddy walk into the room. She knows without them having to say a word that her prayers have been ignored. They are wearing it all over their faces: their sorrow and grief at the loss.

“Carina…”

“No, don’t,” Carina puts her hands up to stops Owen from speaking. If he doesn’t say it, it isn’t true.

Owen looks to Teddy for help.

“I’m sorry, Carina,” Teddy says, her voice shaking. “We did everything we could, we tried for forty minutes, but his heart was too badly damaged and…”

“Stop!”

“Carina,” Maya says soothingly, her arm tight around her waist. It is a cold comfort right now and Carina pushes her away.

“No!” She turns back towards Owen and Teddy. “You were supposed to fix him! You’re trauma surgeons, you’ve fixed people in the middle of a war zone! You can’t… you can’t give up! You have to go back in there and save him! Please, you have to save him!”

They stare at her blankly as she yells at them and she slowly realises that she has slipped into Italian. She falls silent and just stares back at them as she tries to comprehend what is happening.

Andrew is dead. Her sweet baby brother is gone forever. She’ll never see his smile, never hear his laugh, never feel his big strong arms around her. It doesn’t feel real and yet she knows it is true because every inch of her body is screaming with pain.

Carina feels as if time has stopped still. The room is shrinking, the walls are closing in on her. It is quiet, the only noise coming from the corridor outside. She feels Maya’s hand slip into hers and a gentle squeeze around her fingers.

The moment is interrupted by a wail that pierces her ears and Carina wants to tell whoever it is to shut up, except she can’t because the sound is coming from her. It is a shrill, animalistic cry like one might hear in the wild, as grief rips her apart. Her whole body is trembling and the room starts to spin, and Carina loses her balance, falling to the ground. Her knees hit the hard floor and pain jolts through her, yet it is nothing in comparison to the way her heart hurts.

“Maya…” she cries out desperately, her arm flailing as it reaches for her girlfriend.

Maya drops down next to her and wraps her arms around her, pulls her close and whispers words of comfort. Carina doesn’t listen to what she is saying, but lets the sound of her voice fill her ears. She leans into Maya’s body and buries her head into her chest, blocking out everything and everyone around her as her tears fall down her cheeks and soak into Maya’s shirt. Her chest feels tight and she struggles to catch her breath.

“Breathe, Carina. Just breathe,” Maya murmurs. “In…” she says as she inhales; “…and out.”

Carina concentrates on Maya’s chest moving up and down and tries to mimic her breath in and out.

“That’s it,” Maya says as Carina’s body starts to calm. “That’s it, in and out.”

When she feels calmer, Carina pulls back. Her face is clammy and her hair sticks to the side of her face, her eyes red and her cheeks pinched. Maya strokes her skin gently and gives her the time she needs to collect her thoughts.

“I want to see him,” Carina says eventually.

Maya looks uncertain, so Carina shifts her gaze over her shoulder to where Teddy is now sat on a chair on one side of the room.

“Please. I need to see him.”

“Carina, he’s not ready. We need to…”

“I know,” she interjects.

She’s a doctor, she knows what she will find in that OR. He’ll be lying on an operating table, tubes and wires still hanging from him. His chest will gape open and blood will stain the sheets, the table and the floor. He won’t look like her brother, not the sweet kind face that she sees in her head when she closes her eyes. He’ll be pale, every last ounce of life drained from him. But she needs to see him, she needs the chance to say goodbye.

He won’t get a proper funeral, not while they are in the middle of a pandemic. He won’t get the flow of visitors paying their respects as he rests, he won’t get the collective prayers, they won’t be able to celebrate his life in the way that he deserves. He’s a hero and his death will be buried amongst the thousands of victims of the virus that continues to plague the world.

Carina stands. She is a little wobbly on her feet and she is grateful for Maya’s steady hand.

“Are you sure?” Maya asks tentatively.

Carina nods resolutely.

Maya reaches out and wipes the mascara that pools under her eyes, her touch tender. Carina closes her eyes for a moment, drawing strength from Maya’s gesture before she looks back at Teddy.

“I’m ready.”

Maya keeps one arm wrapped around Carina’s waist and the other grasps her hands as she guides her down the corridor behind Teddy and Owen. Owen steps inside OR 3 without them and Carina knows that he is doing his best to clean up some of the mess that is bound to have been left behind. Her hands still shake and she holds on to Maya a little tighter, doesn’t want to let go of someone else she loves.

Owen appears in the doorway. Carina knows from the look on his face that he thinks this is a bad idea but she can’t feel any worse than she already does. She turns towards Maya.

“Will you stay with me?”

She knows she is asking a lot, to ask Maya to see her brother’s broken body like this, but the truth is that she doesn’t think she can do it without her.

“Of course I will,” Maya says.

Owen steps to one side and they walk into the operating room. Only Bokhee is there. She is sitting at the top of the table, a bowl of water next to her and a wet cloth in her hands. She wipes the blood and trauma from Andrew’s face, her movements slow and gentle and taken with such care.

Carina thought that the sight of the OR would be traumatic, but she doesn’t take in the chaos of the room. Her eyes focus only on Andrew. She walks up to the table slowly, finally letting go of Maya’s hand as she rests one hand on his shoulder and the other on the top of his head, his dark hair as unruly as it always is.

“Oh, Andrea,” she says as she lowers her head and leaves a kiss on his forehead.

His body is already turning cold, but his skin is soft and damp from where Bokhee has been cleaning his face. She looks over at the nurse.

“Thank you, Bokhee.”

Bokhee nods. “I’ll come back later,” she says, gliding backwards on her stool and standing up. Before she leaves, she pauses and reaches out, placing a hand on Carina’s arm. “I prayed for him.”

Carina’s eyes prick with tears at the act of kindness and she nods her thanks, before turning back to Andrew. She takes in his whole body this time, her eyes sweeping over the thick blue sheets that cover his chest. She knows what they hide. She moves her eyes back to his face. The breathing tube has been removed from his mouth and he almost looks like he is wearing a smile.

Perhaps he is, she thinks. All he had cared about on their way to the hospital was knowing that they had caught Opal and stopped her from harming any more young girls, and she had seen the relief wash over him when he learned that the police had taken her away.

She thinks about the train ride they took together and how she had finally told him the truth about why they had been separated as children. She has never regretted her decision, always believing that it was right that he had been able to grow up without the burden of their father’s illness resting on his shoulders, but she mourns all those lost years that they will never get back – even more now.

She reaches for the stool that Bokhee left behind and sits down beside him, running the back of her hand over his stubbled cheek as she starts to sing quietly.

“Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle,

Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle,

I tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa,

E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra.”

She only gets through the first few lines before her throat closes up and the words get stuck.

“I heard you singing that in the aid car, it’s beautiful,” Maya’s voice breaks the silence. “What is it?”

“It’s a song I used to sing him when he was little and couldn’t sleep,” Carina explains. She curls her fingers into his thick hair. She leans into Maya’s body, resting her head under the crook of her arm. “I should have stopped him.”

“Carina, no…”

“I knew that it was messy, I knew that we should have waited for the police, but he was so adamant that he was going to stop her. I didn’t believe him the first time and I wanted him to know that I believed him this time.”

A tear trickles down her face, the guilt overwhelming her.

Maya rolls a stool closer and sits down beside her, hooking her finger under Carina’s chin and encouraging her to look at her for a moment.

“Don’t do this. Don’t blame yourself, it is not your fault,” Maya says vehemently. Carina looks at her with such sadness that Maya feels her heart aching in her chest. “He was going to follow Opal no matter what. And you stayed with him like any good sister would do. You were with him; when it mattered the most you were with him. And when he called your name, you were there.”

Carina’s face crumples and Maya gathers her up in another tight embrace. Carina didn’t think she had any tears left in her but they just keep coming and there is nothing she can do to stop them. She buries her face into Maya’s neck. Her head hurts, her body dehydrated, and she doesn’t think she will ever feel normal again. How can she when her brother is dead?

They are two halves of one whole, and without him she is incomplete.

“We should get you home,” Maya says, her voice soft and low as she rubs Carina’s back soothingly.

“I can’t leave him,” is Carina’s muffled reply.

“I know,” Maya says sympathetically. “I know, but we can’t stay here forever. You have to say goodbye.”

Carina pulls back and shakes her head, her voice cracking. “I don’t want to leave him on his own.”

There is a beat before a new but familiar voice enters the room. “He won’t be alone.”

Carina looks over her shoulder and blinks away the tears that blur her vision until Bailey comes into view, flanked by Richard and Bokhee. Bailey walks towards her, a gentle hand resting on her back while the other smooths the curls on Andrew’s forehead.

“We’re going to clean him up now,” Bailey says gently.

Carina tips her head and smiles gratefully, a momentary break of the grief that is painted on her face.

“It’s not your job,” she says.

“Well, today it is.”

Bailey’s tone is kind, but firm, and Carina knows that she will not be dissuaded from the unwanted task. She looks back at her brother lying peacefully on the table.

“I don’t know how to do it,” she says.

She is aware of the puzzled faces around her, the shared look of confusion between Maya and Miranda.

“Do what?” Maya asks gently.

“Say goodbye,” Carina says. She looks over to Maya, her hands outstretched between them. “Two halves, one whole.” She holds her palms together, like she had in the chapel earlier that day.

Maya takes her hands and squeezes them gently. “Do you want a moment alone with him?”

Carina nods. As Maya stands, she leans forward and plants a kiss on the top of her head. Carina leans into her for a moment, her body feeling cold once Maya is gone from her side. She spins to face her brother, leaning closer to whisper in his ear.

“I love you and I’m so proud of you,” she says, tears falling from her eyes and dropping on to his cheeks. “I’ll miss you always. Give Mama big kiss from me when you see her, okay?” She chokes back a sob. “I love you, il mio fratellino.”

Carina drops down to kiss his cheek. “Addio.”

She pulls back slowly and stands up. The moment she turns away from him, she feels herself reaching for Maya, falling into her arms and sobbing as the grief spills out of her.

Her heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces, and she doesn’t know how she will ever be able to put it back together. She knows for certain that it will never be whole again, it can’t be.

They are two halves forever separated.

#station 19 #grey's anatomy #maya bishop #carina deluca #andrew deluca #station 19 fanfiction #my fanfiction #serendipity

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