#I literally laid in my baby zakk’s old bed for like an hour

[miafic]

Fall AU (Part 9)

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8

Standing in the bathroom again, Zakk toyed with Lucas’ pink scrunchie. Lucas had fallen asleep hours before in the guest room, but for Zakk, getting in bed was pointless. His thoughts were moving far too quickly for him to be able to get any rest.

You think it’s good for your hair. You wear it when you’re happy.

Zakk hadn’t been able to get the words out of his head since they’d left his mouth the day before. He felt a little sick to his stomach, remembering that he’d had to stop himself from adding, “You haven’t worn it in a while.” It’d been a damn long time. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Lucas hadn’t seemed happy in… months.

He sighed and set the scrunchie back down on the counter before giving himself permission to do what he’d been considering for over an hour. He crept down the stairs and into the living room, where he found Lucas’ notebook. Pushing away the guilt, he opened it.

My name is Lucas. I like green grapes.

Zakk Autrey

Jon is coming for dinner and we are having pizza.

On the next page, Lucas had written, The only time I remember Zakk’s name is when I look here.

My dog’s name is Baby. I know her. I smelled her and it made me remember. She only has one eye like a pirate. She and I live in this house with Zakk.

Jon has a lot of tattoos and we ate pizza, and after, I met his friend. I was most happy that his friend brought Baby.

On the same page but in pen instead of pencil, Lucas had written, Baby sleeps in bed with me and it makes me happy. Me and Zakk took her for a walk. (I call him “the man” in my head and that feels better. I’ll switch to that.) We had to stop for a little bit because I had a memory. It was a bad one about a hospital. I didn’t like it, but it was worse to feel fear and dread that came after.

The man distracted me until we got home, and when we got back I laid down until lunch. I still feel upset. I only took two bites and I think he didn’t notice. I gave half my sandwich to Baby, so she was very excited. I left a quarter of it on my plate.

I think something bad was going to happen to me. And it was going to be my fault. I was scared of not dying, but I don’t know if I’m alive because I didn’t do the bad thing or because I did it and I didn’t die. I don’t even know what the bad thing was.

Zakk turned the page, but it was blank. And so was the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that. He sighed and leaned forward, dropping his forehead into his hand. “Fuck,” he muttered. As he closed the journal, he whispered aloud, “I’m scared. I’m scared.”

What the hell had Lucas been writing about? ‘Not dying’? ‘The bad thing’? And was this real, or was this part of his confusion?

There was still no timeline, no deadline. The concept of Lucas healing wasn’t a “when” - it was only an “if.” Zakk had never faced fear like this before. Even the threat of Peace and Purpose closing hadn’t been so awful. It would be heart-wrenching, but there would be other jobs to hold and other dreams to dream. And Zakk would have gotten to keep Lucas, at least somehow. Now… Now it was like a stranger was living in his husband’s body.

“I’m scared,” he stated for the third time. 

Zakk opened the notebook and read through the short entries again before setting it back down on the table and doing his best to position it the way Lucas had left it. He stood up but didn’t leave right away - he spent a moment staring down at the book. “I would never read your journal if we weren’t going through this,” Zakk whispered to it. “I hope you know that.”

“ZAKK!”

He whipped around, his stomach dropping.

“ZAKK!” Lucas yelled again. He sounded terrified.

“I’m coming!” Zakk rushed up the stairs and literally ran down the hall and into the guest room, where he flung the door open and rushed to Lucas’ side. “What is it? What’s wrong?” he demanded.

There was no answer.

He scrambled to turn the lamp on, and once he did, the first thing that he saw was Baby. She was sitting on the very corner of the bed, looking anxiously at Lucas with her ears perked up. Lying on the center of the mattress, tangled in the blankets and sweating a little, was Lucas, who was still asleep.

“Lucas,” Zakk said, and he rapidly patted Lucas’ chest for several seconds without stopping. “Wake up, baby.”

Lucas’ eyes snapped open, and he exhaled in relief. “Thank you,” he whispered desperately.

“Of course. You’re welcome.” He helped Lucas to sit up. As his pounding heart slowed, he wondered, “Were you having a nightmare?”

Lucas nodded. His eyes closed momentarily, but he opened them again just for long enough to lean forward and crash into Zakk’s shoulder.

Holding Lucas close, Zakk sat down on the edge of the bed and began rubbing his back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“You thought I was dead, but I wasn’t,” Lucas replied instantly. Zakk could tell from his voice that he was more asleep than awake. “You couldn’t hear me. You couldn’t see me. I was right there, but you didn’t know. You couldn’t hear me.…”

“I’m so sorry,” Zakk whispered to him, and he slowly kissed his cheek.

“You were screaming and crying, and I was trying to tell you I was alive. I was right there, but I - I couldn’t make you hear me.” He swallowed. “Before it got scary, I could fly.”

Zakk smiled in spite of his sadness. “Of course you could.” Lucas rarely discussed his dreams, but when he did, he nearly always mentioned flying.

Lucas didn’t respond, and the room was silent for nearly a minute. Baby stood up and walked over, removing Zakk from his thoughts. His dream analysis, really.

“Do you want to come sleep in my room?” Zakk asked, and Lucas had to take a moment to pull himself out of the clutches of sleep. Then he nodded.

“Okay,” Zakk whispered. He gave Lucas’ back one last little rub and then declared, “Let’s go.” He propped Lucas back up to sit on his own and then moved to get off of the mattress. Lucas didn’t follow, so Zakk reached for his hands and gave them a little tug. “Come on, Baby,” Zakk added.

Lucas grumbled in response, “I’m coming,” which made Zakk gently laugh. (He’d been talking to the dog.)

“Okay,” Zakk responded anyway.

Baby hopped off of the bed, tags jingling, and went to stand with her shoulder against Zakk’s knee. Zakk fondly scratched the back of her neck and then reached for Lucas’ pillow as Lucas stood up. Lucas yawned, and Zakk wrapped his arm around his waist. Lucas draped his arm over Zakk’s shoulders, which sent a pang of pain through Zakk’s body; this was what it used to be like when he’d walk an exhausted, grouchy Lucas up the stairs after he’d accidentally fallen asleep on the couch while he waited for Zakk to get home. And now the Lucas he’d known and cared for and married was all but gone.

I love you, Zakk thought as loudly as he could. Maybe Lucas would pick up on it somehow.

They went together into the master bedroom, and Lucas crashed gracelessly onto the correct side of the mattress. Zakk laid his pillow at the top of the bed and then gave Lucas a little push so that he could pull the covers back. Lucas got under them and let out a heavy sigh, and Zakk walked around the bed and climbed in beside him. Before he laid down, though, he pulled off his t-shirt and dropped it onto the carpet.

At the sound, Lucas partially opened his eyes, looked at Zakk’s bare chest, and then closed them again. “You’re really good-looking,” he muttered. “I keep thinking that.”

Zakk smiled as he turned the lamp off. He slid across the mattress and wrapped Lucas up in his arms. He shouldn’t, and he knew that, but he couldn’t help it. He missed the old Lucas so badly. And this Lucas didn’t seem to mind. Zakk’s eyebrows rose when Lucas draped one of his own arms over Zakk’s waist.

Zakk leaned in to press a kiss onto Lucas’ forehead. I love you, he mouthed against his skin.

Lucas didn’t notice; he’d already slipped most of the way back into his dreams. Zakk, on the other hand, held Lucas close and thought back through the last few minutes. As he played it back in his memory, he realized something that made his heart skip a beat.

“You knew my name,” Zakk whispered urgently to Lucas’ sleeping form. His breath came in like a gasp. “Lucas, you knew my name. When you yelled, you yelled my name. Oh my god!” He swallowed, brushed Lucas’ hair back. “It’s all still in there somewhere, baby. You’re in there somewhere.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m gonna get you back. Don’t worry - I’ll never give up on you. Moon of my life...” 

For the first time since all of this started, Zakk fell asleep with a smile on his face.

---

Part 10

#lucas #zakk #baby #fall au