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tleeaves · 4 months

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Wasting Beats In This Heart Of Mine - how it would have ended

Hello, folks! As some of you already know or have heard me mention previously, my TLH fanfic WBITHOM is coming to an end. I am no longer comfortable with it being in the public eye since it involves a lot of personal stuff for me, and so I have decided to delete the fic entirely on every platform it's been published on (that's Quotev, AO3, and Wattpad) rather than rewrite the entire thing. This will also finally give me the chance to focus on other written works. Maybe I'll return to fandom with a rewrite one day for anyone interested, but for now, the future is dedicated to other things. The fic will be deleted in 48 hours, so readers on Quotev and AO3 have a chance to download the unfinished fic if they so desire before then or just have one last read. I ask that no one rewrites or adds an ending to my fic and publishes it anywhere without my knowledge and permission. Never put an author's work through AI either. I still have several copies of my fanfic and its outline, so I will always have evidence of where the story comes from.

WBITHOM is a monster, with the master document coming to well over 150,000 words and the fic so far being ~146,000 words (the entire outline and all my notes makes up over 4,000 words, yes). I predict that, had I finished the fic, it would come close to 188,000 words (so, there was a decent ways to go still). It's the biggest thing I've attempted, but because of that, it is also the most time-consuming (it's been almost a year and a half of writing, and each chapter either takes two full days to write or weeks) and it takes up the most space in my head, not really leaving room for the other ideas I want to explore.

So, as someone suggested, I thought I'd give readers who were hoping to see the fic to its proper end some closure. That's what this post is for: how it would have ended. Along the way, I'll explain some things too about recurring themes and motifs and all manner of behind the scenes and thoughts behind my ideas.

Character Arc Summaries

As readers know, this story follows the characters of Lila Raftis, James Herondale, Cordelia Carstairs, and Matthew Fairchild. They're all the most significant figures, though we do see other perspectives and side characters too. Essentially, Lila Raftis struggles with loneliness due to a myriad of other issues she has to work through, and James Herondale's arc starts with his depression and turns into a journey to authenticity where he feels like his own person and not just what he has been written or expected to be. Cordelia Carstairs' physical state of being lost extends to how lost she is within, and she ends realising that she has been continuously defining herself through other people. I see her as leaving London and the love triangle with James and (unconfessed) Matthew (and Lila) to deconstruct a lot of the ideals she was trying to live up to and why. As for Matthew Fairchild, I made the deliberate decision for him to turn into a werewolf and have that separation from Shadowhunter society so that he could pursue the arts and build a better life that he would find more satisfaction with, also eventually becoming sober. I took inspiration from his time at the academy, particularly when he turns to Lila in one of the earlier acts and asks if it's so bad to not be a Shadowhunter. At first, he regrets turning, but I planned for him to wind up relieved.

Honestly, while this work is very self-insert (and that's not a bad thing generally, but I've been finding it uncomfortable as time goes on, so that's why I prefer to take it down and keep it to myself), it was also my way of going How It Should Have Ended for the TLH series as a whole. I started it before ChoT, yes, but that book only led to minor changes and alternate paths taken -- I was already using ChoI as a base to steer these characters in the directions I thought they should go.

The Rest Of Act Three

The rest of Act Three of the fanfic is summarised below (...at length. It's a lengthy summary).

We ended the fanfic on the chapter where James and Lila returned to London, 1903 of his dimension. He was gravely wounded in his left arm, which ends up being amputated despite the efforts of Lila and Lucie (and Gus' help too). This is, of course, a reference to the recent fan art of James where a headcanon went around that the reason we couldn't see his other arm was because it just didn't exist. I took it and ran, which was not planned. I knew I wanted James injured so that Lila could return the care he once had shown her when she was wounded badly, but it wasn't going to be as severe as it ended up being. This is how we ended up at the Institute instead of 48 Curzon Street as I had previously planned for the chapter. James was going to be fine, but Cordelia had decided to confront Lila about several things, and they'd end the night having kissed -- which in turn leads Lila to going for a walk to clear her head and her subsequently getting kidnapped by Jonathan Bell (the Other James from another dimension). Anyway, the change did make some of these plot points awkward (😭) hence why I spent ages editing the make out between Lila and Cordelia because I could not decide how it should start and end. It was a nightmare. As Silver pointed out, it didn't make a whole lot of sense in the order of events (Cordelia should have gone to see James first), but I was in a mad rush to finally release the update since I knew people were waiting. The kidnapping also was not quite as dramatic as I envisioned it, but oh well. I'm actually quite happy with the rest of the chapter though.

From there comes the rest of the fic that readers probably will not get to experience, so that's why I'm writing this out, so you at least know the mysteries that I won't get to reveal and how we get to the end.

Jonathan Bell kidnaps Lila and, through the use of shadow, they end up in Paris, France. This is where Matthew also fled after his mother released him from the Silent City cells after he persuaded her into it. Lila ending up there and being away from both James and Cordelia, and spending more one-on-one time with our antagonist and Matthew since the earlier parts of the book was always intended.

Jonathan is revealed to have possession of another silver pen, which is a reference to a previous fanfic I wrote (also deleted) called Chain of Lies, where the pen could literally rewrite reality if you used your own blood for ink. In Jonathan's dimension, Lila ended up staying in his world and marrying him, but she also dies of a mysterious sickness during their honeymoon, so he uses the pen to go back in time and cancel their honeymoon, under the impression she would not get sick. Instead, she was hit by a car several days earlier, and died in the accident. Jonathan goes back again to stop that from happening, but Lila ends up dying again anyway, over and over again in different ways, every time Jonathan reverses time to prevent each event from occurring. Eventually, he goes so far back in their timeline together that he's reliving the December when they met, and that's how he knows how to divert the accidents in WBITHOM that threaten harm to this other dimension's Lila (are you still with me?). But before that, he created a time loop in that December of his dimension just trying to keep Lila alive for two years of his life whereas everyone else remained the same, but stuck in time. It's supposed to be very angsty and tragic, and it's a demonstration of one of James Herondale's core traits eventually twisting horribly wrong: how he would do anything for those he loves, whether that be family, friends, or lovers.

This character flaw/strength is something I reference lightly a few times throughout the fanfic, mostly in the ways he is concerned about the safety of his family and friends which he tries to find out from Lila, who has read Chain of Iron and knows what the future is supposed to be, and then how he reflects on how he does not know what he would do when someone he loves dies. Honestly, the issue is that he cares too much about people, which is both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how far it goes. Jonathan is the literal embodiment of what would happen if James' care went too far, if it bordered on obsession, if he wanted to keep someone from dying so bad that he would sacrifice everything else, even the universe.

So, Jonathan finally confesses to the time-loop and explains that as a drastic measure, he tried finding Lila in another dimension to see if he could save her there, but this tearing of the time-loop to escape it worsened a tear that Cordelia had already created in her fight with Belial and the Mandikhor to such a point that it started growing and expanding and destroying the fabric of time and space between dimensions and the universe as a whole. You know, wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff (Doctor Who reference for those who get it). The thing he did not realise though is that in this timeline, Lila is not meant to die, so long as she goes back home instead of staying in 1903 (he still doesn't know this, it's just a fact I would have explained to the readers when we meet Circe, the employer of Poppy Morad (P.M.) and Saint Nicholas). This is supposed to leave Lila conflicted, because as much as she wants to hate his guts for being the reason for her family disappearing and the worlds ending, even this Other James is a reflection of her own nature, which is another thing that's been lingering beneath the surface for the duration as the fic: while James has a doppelganger that demonstrates who he might become if he cannot accept loss, he and Lila have similarities boiling beneath the surface that go unnoticed until an outburst we saw Lila have where she basically accuses James of being just like her (not complimentary at the time).

Lila as a character is someone who cares deeply, but is willing to sacrifice herself and others to protect what or who she cares deeply about (yet we also see her choose self-preservation over self-sacrifice a few times before she truly starts acting in service of others). Her circle of people she cares about is more limited than James', but the shared sentiments still stand. Plus, the way Jonathan has acted this entire time has always bordered on unnerving or odd -- I did that on purpose. He's been driven to obsession, where he's basically an extreme of what James and Lila believe in. And he is both James and not James in this way, if that makes sense. We see in one of Lila's nightmares earlier in the book Jonathan saying it does not matter which version of him he is or which version of her she is -- they belong together. Fully delusional at this point, but it's meant to be scary. I'm kind of obsessed that Jonathan is also a mirror for Lila to see how she might look to her James: someone who knows you way too well, but you've also never met nor know much about at all (she might know James but she does not know this one), who's inexplicably fixated on you (granted, James did not even begin to guess Lila's feelings, and hers were rather superficial in a way until they spent more time together).

Anyway, basically, the start of this rewrite of Chain of Lies pretty much began with these dynamics between the two Jameses and Lila. It was a whole thing with diagrams and late night ranting to my poor sister and everything.

So, of course, Lila is conflicted and she also does not know how she's supposed to get Jonathan to reverse the problem he has created -- whether he's also supposed to go back to his dimension and whether that will be enough to repair the tear. Most of this happens in the Notre Dame cathedral because I said so (I like cathedrals as settings, sue me if you dare).

Meanwhile, Matthew has been in Paris and totally avoiding Charles, so he also hears nothing of Will and Tessa being notified about James' injury in London and leaving by portal. But he does hear some French Shadowhunter gossip about the Consul's werewolf son's disappearance when he discovers Lila being taken to the cathedral by a masked man. Then ensues a solo rescue operation. Honestly, I always have a lot of fun writing Matthew, it's hard not to include him more. Anyway, the rescue is successful, and he takes Lila back to his hotel room to lay low for the night before he gets her back to London with the others (since he recognises that they must have no idea where she is, what happened, and she's an integral part of solving this whole mess, as people are still disappearing in this world).

I had a really nice scene planned that I'd been waiting the entire book to write, but basically Lila and Matthew spend a sober night together (as opposed to their time in the Silent City together) where they talk about all their woes, including their love lives, and eventually they get on to the topic of how they could have smoothed over both their dilemmas if they just had each other as lovers, if only their similarities were not such that would probably be self-destructive at this point in their lives. Because we've seen often in the book other characters compare these two, but it's these two themselves who recognise that, yes, they are alike in some ways, but not the ways it counts in order to have a healthy romantic relationship. They settle on being good friends. Matthew also takes her measurements so they can pick up some quick changes of clothes since Lila's still wearing her grimy outfit she wore during the explosion. And she also brings up that she knows he's an artist, but asks that she have the chance to sketch him, and he offers to do so in return, so they spend the rest of the night drawing, which I just find so sweet. There's not much significance in that at face value, it's just cute, but I also see Matthew embracing an old hobby as one of the first steps he takes in moving on from all his pain and finding better outlets for it.

Also, the platonic nature between Lila and Matthew, the complicated romance with James and Cordelia, and then all the familial themes and side-plots going on are all part of an idea I had going into this that I wanted to demonstrate many facets of love and the importance of each in their individual right. If anything, given the extreme slowburn I've come at James/Lila/Cordelia with particularly, I want to end this book purposefully with none of them winding up together because so many other things mattered more than their romance, and even the kind of loves they have for each other are a reason they don't end up staying because they would all rather see each other safe and not see each other at all than know they might cause other problems by being in the wrong dimensions.

Anyway, because I do multiple perspectives for everything, while Matthew and Lila and Jonathan have their bit going on in Paris, back in London we see James coming to terms with his disability and in all his rumination over what's happened and Lila being missing but him being unable to go out and find her, James finally (FINALLY!) realises his romantic feelings for Lila. This also leads to a scene between him and Cordelia where they both discuss Lila and their feelings for her. Cordelia also confesses how she has felt for James for a long time, but she also explains that she wants nothing to come of it anymore because she does not see herself settling down with him like she previously thought. James is a bit stung by this (I mean, my guy had no idea about Cordelia's true feelings until now and then she also springs a rejection on him at the same time when he's just begun to realise some of his own feelings around her) but is ultimately relieved since he feels he needs more time to figure out who he is and the life he wants without the bracelet numbing him.

We also would have seen Poppy Morad and Saint Nicholas again and their increasing distress and alarm with how difficult Jonathan Bell has been to track and control since he's hared of to Paris with Lila.

When Jonathan finds out Lila's gone, he feels betrayed and frustrated by his failure. Because while he feels he has saved her, she's refusing to be his as she once was in his dimension (also why he was confused and then against her leaving and going home earlier in the story). The world is breaking down around him (we start to see parts of Paris going up in flames, not unlike London 2021 of Lila's dimension) and he's about to go track Lila down again (but now he's going a bit more heavily into Villain Mode).

We also see Poppy Morad closing in on Jonathan as he returns to London when she's defecting orders from Circe, her higher up, to take him down instead of corralling Lila's effects on the timeline.

Lila and Matthew return to London on Christmas Eve just hours before the end of the world properly starts in 1903. This is also when she and James interact for the first time since he passed out on the bridge several days ago. I was a bit undecided on how I wanted this scene to look, other than I needed them to finally confess their feelings for each other in the rain like a cliche after they have an argument where Lila says that James has everything she wants (and this is where we realise the root of her problem in this whole book is not simply loneliness, but a dissatisfaction with herself and her life, which has lent itself to the more superficial issues she's been having) but that ultimately she also just wanted him though she knows she cannot be with him without risking everything. So, when James confesses his side, they decide to spend what little time they have left with each other as best as they can. (And this where I as an author push them together like Barbie dolls and go "now kiss").

Have I mentioned this story has too many layers and plot points and it's been driving me mad this entire time I've been writing it? Anyway.

They quickly determine with The Gang™️ that "Belial" and "Lilith" are not who they seem to be anymore, because while Alastair just got arrested for the murder of Lilian Highsmith (oh yeah, that happens while Lila and Matthew are in Paris, because I wanted a reversal where it's Thomas who stands up for Alastair when he's accused of murder, just for funsies) everything else that has happened seems to be related to whoever this P.M. (remember when Cordelia was also accused of murder because Filomena thought she saw Cordelia when she was attacked?) and Matthew body double is (spoiler: Poppy Morad and Saint Nicholas are codenames for other versions of Cordelia Carstairs and Matthew Fairchild in another timeline, I'll explain more about this later, but what you can probably surmise already is that this alternate Cordelia has taken the place of Belial within this dimension and is the one murdering all the victims (including her father. That was a difficult point, because we see in a PM and Saint Nick scene that he's concerned about whether she can go through with it) and Matthew has taken Lilith's place in some minor ways (like hiding and then handing back Cortana at the right moments)).

Anyway, because Lila's kind of behind on some events, she goes to confess to Cordelia (but explain how she also feels about James), when Cordelia says there's a lot more she wants out of life before she pursues romance again. That she's been so consumed by it, by finding love, by getting married, she's lost who she is beneath it all. (Have you noticed the theme for every character in this fic is basically authenticity and finding oneself despite whatever circumstances they find themselves in?)

Then, we also would have seen Lila dedicate herself to taking down Jonathan herself since he's the main problem that's tearing things apart and perhaps if he's killed then he can no longer influence time and reality.

Vaguely, I had planned that James and Lila would have what my outline says is "an emotional night together" because it could mean literally anything and I wasn't totally sure where I wanted it to go. So. Interpret that one how you will with whatever you prefer, honestly. Anyway, while that's happening, we see Matthew go home to his mother who is, understandably, worried sick and mad because he never wrote to her like he was supposed to and Charles return without him. We see Matthew collapse into her arms and just sob. That was the plan. It's important to me that he's actually vulnerable with her for once and that he, a young man too big to be in his mother's arms, lets himself be held anyway. There was also supposed to be a wholesome Thomastair moment that I hadn't really planned, though I knew Alastair would go home with Cordelia afterwards and she would start her journey to forgiving him. We also would have seen her kneel in front of Sona to confess A Whole Lot Of Things about what's been happening in her life, from as early as the marriage blanc and the Blackthorn Manor incident. Basically, everything is supposed to be hopeful even if it hurts just a bit and feels a little bittersweet. Because then in the chapter this all would have taken place in, we'd end with Saint Nicholas and Poppy Morad collecting the pithos from Christopher who picked it up in the background of everything (basically, all the Belial storyline has still been operating as it should, except it's being orchestrated by PM instead of Belial), when Jonathan sneaks up on them and fatally wounds (he had the intent to kill) Saint Nicholas, who he is shocked to find out in that moment is an alternate Matthew.

AND THEN, next chapter we would have had at the tolling of midnight, signaling Christmas day, PM the alternate Cordelia (whose character is the way it is because she's been hardened by some long and traumatic years -- she and alternate Matthew have a tragic backstory that I've been keeping in my back pocket that wasn't really necessary to be explained in the story, but if you want to know more, just ask) drags a dying alternate Matthew back to their tent where Circe, their mysterious employer, is torn away from her work elsewhere to start enacting emergency world-fixing in this timeline. This is also when we find out Circe's identity: she is Cassandra Clare, once again (if you read Chain of Lies) who's codename was derived from the common shortened CC she's referred to in fandom, who has universal powers and basically controls (to an extent) a good portion of the universe. Like a god. But also not. It's a whole mysterious thing that I never intended to explain because I think some things are better unexplained.

THEN, Jonathan shows up to 48 Curzon Street, covered in blood and calling for Lila. A fight between him and James (and sort of Lila who's attacking Jonathan though he refuses to attack her) ensues before he ends it all by taking out a silver pen (The Silver Pen) where we see 'Nikoletta' engraved on it, and writes a time-loop which snaps the final threads keeping all the timelines and dimensions in order.

Act Four Explained Slightly More Briefly

This is the final act of the book and also the shortest. It was planned to only be about six chapters long. Now, I was most excited about this part of the book because I had ✨visions✨. No, literally, the entire inspiration of this entire fanfic came from a dream I had about James Herondale as Spider-Man, me impersonating Cordelia Carstairs and not knowing how to do Shadowhunter things, Santa Claus as Father Time, and the end of the universe, and this is where we would have finally get to see it all come together.

We kick it off with an entire chapter dedicated to a lot of scenes similar to what I've written earlier in the book with Lila and James' nightmares, where nothing makes complete sense and yet the reader is meant to feel on the cusp of understanding something alongside the characters before the dreams usually end. Only they don't here. The dreams are reality, but reality is broken, and there is no waking up because there is also no sleeping and there is no normal but faint memories of what came before. So not only is the environment ever-shifting (think of it almost like a kaleidoscope and you have maybe a quarter of my vision here), but the people also keep "glitching" between different versions of themselves at different points in time and in different realities even (sometimes the doubles join and then they split apart, it's a weird nightmareish sort of thing in my mind), and so they also have different memories and levels of knowledge about things that have happened and what's going on. We see it mostly through Lila and James' perspectives. There's supposed to be a lot of angst and a feel like everything is a fever dream.

In the next chapter, things only start to get slightly ordered when Jonathan Bell finds Lila and says he'll rewrite the universe she wants so that it's perfect for her, and can have it be anything she wants, so long as they are together (major creep vibes though, honestly, as sweet as this might sound to some). This is also me addressing a problem from my original fanfic before this one, Chain of Lies, where I basically gave that silver pen waaay too much power, and now I'm demonstrating what it can do and so, like the one ring to rule them all, it must be destroyed (once Lila or someone else gets a hold of it to rewrite and fix the fabric of everything). Alastair saves Lila from Jonathan this time (he's still a bit prickly, but we see he still cares about Lila anyway), and demands she go find Cordelia to end Jonathan (Cordelia has Cortana which can cut through anything, which is important). Then we also would have seen that James is stranded somewhere with a fluctuating Matthew (the vision is that he keeps changing states from a werewolf to a living corpse to himself at various ages) and they are attempting to find PM, the alternate Cordelia, who knows Circe who should be able to fix everything as PM explains (she got separated from Circe and Saint Nicholas when the world went crazy). She leads them partway before she's taken by the collapsing world (she disappears basically, because that can still happen to people). When Lila finds her Cordelia, she's in the Paladin state (imagine glowing eyes and a vague aura of scariness with a glowing sword and you've got it) and it takes a bit to get through to her so they can make a plan to take down Jonathan.

Chapter after that, we have Cordelia distracting Jonathan so Lila can steal the pen, but she realises she does not know how to write an ending that does not kill all the Jameses since, as Jonathan once put it in her nightmares, "it does not matter which version of him I am... we are the same". This hesitance gets Cordelia fatally wounded, though she's not quite dead yet, but it's the final push Lila needs to kill Jonathan with Cortana (as also seen in a dream she had ages ago without realising it), and Circe finally manages to pull enough worldly strings in this chaos to pause time long enough for James and Lila to reunite to do the re-writing with her.

From there, we have two alternate paths. I called these basically "the happy ending that could have been" and "the bittersweet ending that was", which I was inspired to write by The Umbrella Academy (if you know, you know, I won't spoil it for anyone else who doesn't).

In the happy ending that could have been, we see the characters a couple years down the line. We also find out that Lila would not have died like she did in the other universe. She and James are together and they end up planning to propose to each other on the same day, which is the day after Lila successfully ascends. Then we see Cordelia and Matthew travelling together across the world as friends. After that, we would have seen Thomas and Alastair having dinner at the Lightwoods'. Finally, the Raftis family believe Lila is missing, presumed dead, but after a couple years they are finally moving on.

The bittersweet ending that was though is where Lila goes home. The friends she's made in London 1903 see her off before James takes her back to her dimension where they'd have one final goodbye on Blackfriars Bridge. That night, Cordelia gets on a train to set off and travel on her own. We also see Matthew, who has already picked up Oscar a couple days earlier, going to Gus' flat to complain that Oscar misses Gus and would not stop whining until they came by. We see Matthew finally tentatively suggest a first date, and Gus would accept. We close this part of the ending much like we started the book, with James walking alone in the night, just as he was when he left the Devil Tavern and his story took a different direction to canon when he found himself outside Cornwall Gardens where he met with Alastair. This time, James is alone, and he's feeling a little hopeful about the future ahead.

We get one final chapter before the epilogue where it's mostly Lila's perspective as she finally gets to experience Christmas with her family in 2021 and I planned for the beginning of some family healing and bonding to occur. Then we would have seen future James once more, who it turns out is now tasked by Circe (CC) with maintaining the space between dimensions, but this means he can't be in any one for very long since it's a lot of work that takes up time.

And now we get to the epilogue. Every time I imagine this, I get a little emotional. The epilogue would have began several years in the future with Lila dropping a bi-annual letter into the Thames, which I liken to the River Styx, in that it's where all lost things end up. We see, rather comedically, that she has moved out with the money she gained from some things she "stole" from Curzon Street, as well as her mysterious finding of the adamas, which scientists in her world are still amazed by. We are surprised to see though that when she goes home, she's living with the version of Matthew who nearly died in his previous role as Saint Nicholas, because CC gave him a chance to live out a new life elsewhere, in a dimension where there was not another version of himself. He and Lila seem to be doing well.

We cut to James of around December 1905 who has gone to visit his family at the Institute, where Lucie and Jesse are pouring over Cordelia's latest letter from abroad. James says he was just at Matthew's flat, and Gus was telling him about theories of time travel that the mundanes at the university Gus attends were discussing. We also find out that James himself has written a book, a science fiction piece with a ridiculously long title, about different worlds and the doubles of people that exist. After the dinner, he goes to Blackfriars Bridge and produces several of Lila's letters out of a pocket before stowing them away and shadow travelling to her dimension to leave a letter for her.

The fanfic would have ended on James' letter, which mentions briefly that he is having nightmares again of Belial's return since they have heard nothing have what happened with CC. Aside from that, the letter is rather sweet. But we see that Lila never gets a chance to read it, because CC collects it first and burns it with a lighter while humming "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas".

Concluding Words

And that, ladies, gents, and fair folk, was how Wasting Beats In This Heart Of Mine would have ended. It has potential for a sequel. One I never want to write except in my head because, man, I am so exhausted by this fanfic alone after I already did it as a rewrite of Chain of Lies. If anything, this is the sequel to Chain of Lies and the next potential story would be the third book. It's been a long few years, I'll tell you that.

Some final things:

If you're wondering about that green coat I was always mentioning: it was supposed to be my tell, along with the gold-ringed eyes, for Saint Nicholas being an alternate Matthew, who is also the leader of the SoHo wolf pack in his origin universe. For Poppy Morad as the alternate Cordelia, who worked as Matthew's partner in time shenanigans, it was the fact that people forgot her face once they saw it because of a facial rune she applies (one that does not exist but she has courtesy of working for The CC). That's why people often knew they saw Cordelia, but could not remember the details of that meeting, if they managed to remember her at all.

The reason Lila has essentially what I call "a death aura" is because of her alternate selves, many of whom die, and it's something that leaks between worlds as the walls steadily break down.

At some point in Le Grand Reveal Of The Time-loop, Lila realises that the detailing on Jonathan's mask matches the floral detail on the back of The Joker card she's been carrying around with her sister's initials this whole time, which hints at just how significant some of the objects in this story are and the meanings they can give (The Fool and The Master being other common names for the card, related to its unpredictability and capability of being anything).

Jonathan wears, obviously, his crimson cape, but his clothes are a deep navy blue and this is part of my reference to Spider-Man and the original dream that inspired all of this.

Future James does indeed have diamond stud earrings. I said so.

At the end of the book, CC would have reinstated Lilith and Belial (whom she removed for previously causing problems in other dimensions where they became too aware of alternate timelines) with altered memories, so the stories can generally continue where they left off (some a couple years later, which has some interesting effects if I wrote the next book, in theory).

And I think that's all I have. But if anyone has any questions at all, feel free to reply to the post to ask, message me, or put it straight into the ask box, I'm more than happy to answer since I'm already depriving you of a properly written-out neat ending to everything. Reminder that I am deleting the fanfic WBITHOM in roughly 48 hours from the time of this post, so after that it will not be available on any public platforms for reading. I am not taking down any of my other fanfics (except for the few that I already have some weeks ago).

Thank you to the readers who have supported me on this longass journey. You were often the reason I kept going when I wanted to give up on writing fanfic, especially writing this one, which has been a very trying process (I mean, it took me half a day just to explain the last approximate third of the damn book, for crying out loud). I appreciate the kudos, the comments, and all the enthusiasm. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Take care now, and I'll see you in the updates of other works in the future.

-- streettealee

P.S. special thank you to @thevagabondexpress who endured many hours of me blabbering way too much about this fic and these characters, who I pestered to give me feedback as I fretted over whether I was doing everything right (spoiler: there's no right way, just better ways), and who cared about this when I struggled to. You suggested I might find a way to give readers some closure. And so I also give thanks to @faithfromanewperspective, who went nuts for an Australian OC (understandably, as I would too) and blazed through my entire fic and encouraged me inadvertently to start updating again after a long dry spell. You still absolutely get to see my drafts and outline next time we catch up in person, but I hope for now that this is a good description of the rest of what the book would have been and it gives you some closure, as well as for the other readers. Thank you also to @quantummeep for reading and commenting! I can never get out of my head how even early on in your reading you recognised all the plot threads that I had been weaving together, and it meant so much to me that you appreciated the level of detail I tried to work with.

Thank you all and to the other readers who also supported me 💛

#wasting beats in this heart of mine #wbithom #the last hours fanfic #tlh fanfic

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elialys · 1 month

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hey. as a fellow writer from niche fandoms and unpopular ships, can i just say i really appreciate you being upfront about how much lack of engagement sucks. really thank you. especially because it comes from someone like you who has a fair amount of engagement, but you know what? you’re right being pissed. i know i am. i come from fandoms where people are constantly yapping about lack of content yet none of them engage w/ each other. i ended up leaving bc i felt like i was screaming to a wall. and you know what? i haven’t stopped writing, just posting. bc why bother? so yeah, i AM writing for myself, and also keeping it from myself. idc if that’s petty honestly, like no, it doesn’t make me feel any better if someone out there might end up liking it one day if they’re being completely silent about it. fandoms aren’t supposed to be one-sided. i’m fine w people not reading my stuff cause they don’t like it. you can straight up tell me you hate my ship and i will be like. cool 👍 but when people do read and like your stuff and yet never say anything, that’s something that i don’t like

anyway sorry for rambling, know that you’re much appreciated. i remember you from my doctor who days and i wish i were in your fandoms so i could keep reading your stuff. ❤️

For the longest time I didn’t say anything because I realize that in a lot of cases, I’ve had what you’d call great engagement, and I’ve always been so thankful for the love my stories have received throughout various fandoms. But the decline is STEEP these days, and I have the hindsight of having been writing/sharing fics online for two decades, so I have a lot of 'data' to compare these days’ numbers to.

That’s the thing that has always gotten to me. NUMBERS. Being so, so aware of how many people click on our fics, and how few of them actually engage with a comment. Even at my most “popular”, I didn’t get more than 5% of my readers interacting with me; it felt like a lot because I had a lot of readers, so it meant more comments, but it still was only 5%.

Like you said, it’s this knowing that people are reading, that they are coming back chapter after chapter, yet they don’t bother engaging with us, even when most of us basically BEG in author notes for them to comment and make us feel less like word spewing machines and more like creative members of their online community. What really got to me this last month was updating my fic for The Last of Us, a chapter that got 1,000 hits in two weeks, and I got 10 comments for it. I was just…how the fuck are 1,000 people reading and only 10 of them bothering? Especially since that fic had averaged 3 times that amount of comments for months on previous chapters.

Every time I get disheartened by the increasingly shitty reader engagement, I tell myself that’s it, I’m done writing fics. But then I always go back to it a few days later because I actually LOVE writing fics. Like, fuck yeah, I do write for myself and actually enjoy it for myself (in a love-hate kind of writing relationship obviously 🤣). I do it because I am in love with the characters I’m writing about, and fascinated by their dynamics and relationships, so it’s genuinely a THRILL, and my biggest passion.

But the abysmal engagement these days is just…it makes me feel like shit, there’s no other word for it. Because I spend so much time and energy on those stories (because I want to and I LOVE to write), but as a fic writer, there’s always this part of me that’s excited to be SHARING it with the fandom. Because twenty years of this have gotten me used to at least some decent interaction, and feeling like I'm part of a community. But then the hit count goes up and the comment count stays low or nearly empty, and it’s just gutting. People just consume, consume, consume.

Honestly, GOOD ON YOU for still writing while deciding not to share with your niche fandom at the moment. I’m thinking I might do the same with the rest of my Tess & Ellie AU, because I want to see it through and finish it for ME, but I’m done spoon-feeding an apathetic crowd. I’ll reach out to my most loyal readers and regular commenters when the day comes, and give them a way to read the rest of the story, might even just post the chapters straight on my blog here like I used to do, but not on AO3, not for a goooooood while.

Maybe it is petty, maybe I am just butt hurt. But fuck it, it does hurt my feelings, and I’m the one spending hours of my life writing those things, so I’ll do it my way. And I will continue to call readers out, and ask them to step up. We are human beings, not chatGPT, we just want some appreciation for sharing our art.

#fic comments #ao3 comments #another big ramble xD #not apologizing #anonymous

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galacticgraffiti · 6 months

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20 Questions!

thanks for the tag @corvod (i dont know why it won't let me tag you help) (I also have to put this under a readmore I am incapable of short answers)

How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 20 works right now... so many are unfinished I am hiding my face.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

331,532 (gahdamn)

What fandoms do you write for?

I used to write exclusively Star Wars, but I have somewhat lost motivation for that, at least for now. Currently, I write a lot for BG3 and I'm working on some TLT stuff!

What are your top five fics by kudos?

(1) Veman'alor (Boba Fett x reader) (2) October Thots (various SW characters x reader) (3) Ad'ika (Wrecker x reader - my very first fic!) (4) Big Love Ahead (Halsin x reader) (5) Daddy's Home (Boba Fett x reader)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do my best to respond to comments, especially on AO3 because that's all the interaction with the author that people get, so I try to make them feel appreciated for taking the time. I'm horrible at keeping up with comment-reblogs on tumblr, even if I try very hard. My brain gets overwhelmed sometimes.

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm I have a Boba Fett x reader somewhere that I remember being pretty angsty but I can not for the life of me remember where I shoved it. The most current one I have is I Am Nothing (Like You Thought I Was) in which I put all my feelings about Ascendant!Astarion and abusive relationships.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Nearly all of them - I can't make my characters suffer without making them happy in the end apparently. Also I never finish anything lol

Do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten a couple of comments that were, if not hateful, still unkind towards me. I block very liberally these days :))) If people don't want to understand that you can simply Not Read what you don't like then they can fuck off.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Not exclusively (anymore), but a lot, yes. A lot of x reader, though I do enjoy writing about my OC(s) as well. Oddly enough, I really like writing about male characters even if I'm a lesbian.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't really. I admire people who have the braincells for it, but I settle in a universe and stay where I feel comfortable.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone once messaged me asking about it, but I never heard anything else so... no?

Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

I have not! Collaboration is fun but so much work.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I don't really have one. Wait no, that's a lie. It's Gideon Nav and Harrowhark (I would die for them)- and thanks to Leo, it's now also Bloodweave (Gale x Astarion from BG3). I am consumed by them.

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

So many. Way too many. I really wish I could finish them all, so I'm willing it into existence instead of telling myself I won't lol

What are your writing strengths?

I love dialogue very much, I think I'm decently good at dirty talk specifically lol. But what I like the most is worldbuilding in the sense of making an existing world my own.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Typing things out that seem so clear in my head lmaooo

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I love it! I'm a huge language nerd, so I do it whenever possible, it feels more immersive to me that way. I appreciate translations being provided though.

First fandom you wrote for?

I think Star Wars may honestly have been it - I was never really active in a fandom before.

Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Oh damn a whammy at the end, huh? That's so hard. It's always the fic I'm currently working on the most, I think- so right now, it has to be Big Love Ahead. It feels so warm and comfortable to me.

This was so fun! I apologise to everyone who has tagged me in games and I haven't done them, I get real overwhelmed sometimes. No pressure tags for some mutuals @purgetrooperfox @certified-anakinfucker @baba-fett @ulchabhangorm @atriursa

#tag game #20 questions #writer ask game #gala tag games

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kastellaran · 5 hours

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9 Fandom Peeps to Get to Know Better

tagged my @defeateddetectives ^_^ thank you <33

3 ships you like: hmm see which three should I pick here... let's say komahina (danganronpa. yes), bruabba (jjba p5) and just to spice things up, momoko and ichi from maiko-san chi no makanai (really lovely food centric manga about two girls who move to kyoto to become maiko but one of them ends up becoming the cook at the maiko house instead. sometimes frustrates me because of how strong the gay "undertones" are and then the author seems to insist on pursuing a het love triangle/probably het end game with a dude who has a comparatively shallow relationship with his love interest. anyway ever since the flashback chapters came out ive been shipping the house mother and sumire's geiko onee-san because if there's one throughline in my top ships, it's older side characters with some kind of tragic/emotionally fraught relationship LOL.) propaganda:

"Yuuko never let anyone in her room before she became a trainee. [...] For her to be swapping beds with others is... no, it's just Azusa."

(They have each other's apartment keys. She comes over and sleeps in her room. Halfsies!!!)

(This is basically a marriage proposal to me)

first ship ever: ...I think it was karkat/terezi from homestuck. This is kind of funny but before I really got into fandom or when I was just beginning, my approach to text was basically reading it with the most surface level/likely reading. I literally didn't understand why people would ship characters who I "knew" would never get together in canon. I didn't see the point in it LOL to me shipping was like horse racing or something, you ship the characters who are the most likely to end up together. This is also very funny in retrospect considering what happened with that particular ship but I had long moved on from it by the time davekat was canonized so I was happy.

last song you heard: either burning desire by lana del rey (blaming mirai for this) or alan stivell's ian morrisson reel

favourite childhood book: i don't think i had or have a favorite one ummm I was really into the secret series by pseudonymous bosch when i was a kid

currently reading: hmm i'm keeping up with maiko-san and ekuoto (make the exorcist fall in love. it's neat i recommend it though i'm not a big fan of the art style), and I was reading the oofuri manga which i should get back to but currently my attention is being taken up by natsuyuu lol. as for non-manga though the last thing I read before natsuyuu was Devil Venerable Also Wants To Know which is SO GOOD and i had more art ideas in mind for it which i want to get back to at some point...

currently watching: I don't watch a whole lot of stuff. I'm keeping up with the dunmeshi anime but tbh i really don't like the coloring for it. the art is okay but ryoko kui's art is kind of unmatched. it's just nice to have something to watch with my friend every week. also i've been doing a natsuyuu anime rewatch in anticipation of s7 with a friend whose never seen it before

currently consuming: nothing but i just had some crazy noodles. leftover curry in a pan + frozen corn + instant noodles = yummy

currently craving: nothing because i am now full :D

ill tag @ponimado @tattoosingarishhues @beguinemystic @dysaniium @moritzallein @somapodra @garbageg0blin @chuck-charles @joelletwo as always this is just if you wanna!

#this just became maiko san propaganda lmao #also revealing me to be somewhat boring of a person LMAO #tag meme

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tallangrycockatiel · 2 months

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Fic Writer Interview

Tagged by @sinni-ok-sessi!

How many works do you have on AO3? 12

What’s your total AO3 word count? 108,695, the vast majority of them being written in a single fic, last year

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All that is mine to me, all that is yours to you,

Not alone, maybe lonely,

A Nice Cup of Tea,

Off-Script,

and John's Turn.

All of those are for Malevolent except for A Nice Cup Of Tea, which is Rusty Quill Gaming and also the first fic I ever published on AO3, so I kind of love that it's still up there. Not Alone and John's Turn are Malevolent/Venom crossover, but I don't think they get much interest from people who are into the massive fandom and not the tiny one, there.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I mostly don't, because I never know what to say and don't want to end up just spamming "thanks!" to everyone? Feels like it would just come across as awkward and insincere. I'll respond if someone asks me something, or if someone comments on something specific that I had Thoughts and Feelings about.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Let every knee be bent and every tongue confess, by a country mile. Everything else finishes somewhere between bittersweet and straight-up happy. That one's tagged as "emotional hurt no comfort".

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? I too write quite a bit about learning to live when you don't really want to, and the all-around happiest ending has to be All that is mine to me, all that is yours to you. A lot of the others don't have endings so much as leaving-off points - which is intentional! - but I comfort-read the last chapter of ATIM semi-regularly.

Do you write crossovers? Yeah, Bodysharers Anonymous, the not-marked-finished Malevolent/Venom crossover series. I have two other ideas to add to this. Maybe I'll even write them someday.

Oh yeah there's also the extremely cracky Sailor Moon/Ouran High School Host Club crossover I wrote nearly a decade ago, maybe I'll dig that up and publish it some day for laughs.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? I have had one person kinda sorta imply that they thought I was plagiarising, then walk it back.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yop. 99% of it is unbearably soft they're-in-love-your-honour kind of stuff, and the other 1% is, uh, tentacles.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? No - why would anyone do that, I write for teeny fandoms only.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, again with the teeny fandoms I guess.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? No but I think that could be fun!

What’s your all-time favorite ship? My brain has been majority Arthur/John thoughts by volume for the last year or so; I can think of plenty of other characters that have consumed me this strongly in the past, but no other ships come to mind.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? Only Fear Me Not is probably never going to get finished, but I don't have the heart to mark it as abandoned.

What are your writing strengths? Character voices, and I think I'm pretty good at tension and pacing as well.

What are your writing weaknesses? I will use the same verb ten times per paragraph if I am not physically stopped, and they will all be held together by several hundred semicolons.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I have done, for exactly one line in Choose Your Words where Albert Einstein swears in German, as part of a conversation about swearing in different languages. I'm not strong enough in any language other than English to do more than that, I think.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Sailor Moon, it's somewhere way back on my tumblr blog but you know how that goes. Again, might put it up on AO3 someday.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? My brain keeps sneakily suggesting that I write something for The Goblin Emperor series, because I do love a sad wet eldritch detective, but there is so much worldbuilding in those books and I'm scared. I also have wips for like five other fandoms that I might get around to one day.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? The more I think about this the more my answer changes, I love them all for different reasons, but All that is mine to me, all that is yours to you was The Achievement of my 2023 and I am so goddamn proud of it, and I hope I always will be.

tagging: @docholligay

#tag game #fanfic things #writing about writing

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isa-ghost · 9 days

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About how much time a day, or a week do you spend on writing your fic?

Cause I've been reading fics for years, but haven't started writing until relatively recently. I always knew in the back of my head that it took time to write and come up with the stories, but until recently I hadn't even begun to actually understand the time and energy it actually takes to write a fic. both short and long ones.

Now that I've started to think more about it, it would probably benefit fandom spaces a lot to more widely aknowledge the time it takes. It could probably help with the consumeconsumeconsume mindset of fancreations that I know that I've had, and that are present in a lot of fandoms, especially bigger ones

100% that last part, yeah.

See, for me it's even more complicated because not only am I squeezing writing between irl obligations like class, homework, work, family dinner, sleep, etc.

But I also have ADHD, so I'm battling my attention span and the temptations of my hyperfixations, as well as keeping up with my friends, fandom spaces, etc. I don't want to neglect any of those.

But focus is very difficult when I don't have absolutely nothing going on, which means I often need to shut everything completely out (which can take a lot of self control). I'll vanish on my friends and social media for hours, but still pause here and there to catch up on what I've missed for a short while before returning to writing because I HATE falling deep out of the loop and having a lot to catch up on is overwhelming. On top of that, how easily words are flowing and such also impacts how much or how long I write.

So I don't know if I have a simple or precise answer as to how long. But nonetheless, it's HOURS.

So far, for the 4 chapters that are published, I've sat down multiple days in a row OR every other day if I have time-consuming irl obligations, and written as much as I could before something depleted my motivation or I reached a good stopping point. Lately that's amounted to 1-5 paragraphs depending on the scene I'm at.

If it's something my plot plan has left more open-ended, it can take hours for me to work out how exactly I want to get to the next plot point. The Ch 3 Pissa date and stretching out the Ch 4 Eggza day was MISERABLE /lh because it was super open-ended since I wanted to give myself room to improvise, I don't like rigidly over-planning things bc a lot of the fun in writing is filling blanks between points. I get some AWESOME ideas in the moment thar aren't initially planned in my plot. For example, the foreshadowing I included in the Ch 2 nightmare where he hears Missa scream? If you check my post of my plan after I published the chapter, I pulled that out of my ass. It was originally just supposed to be a nightmare where he could hear Fit, Etoiles & Missa yelling to each other. I never planned for him to hear what's implied to be Missa injured.

But even though improvising is important (and required at some points of AMFMN), it's kinda hard to sit down and think of what to do with those parts when your hyperfixation streamer streams 3 days a week and on the days he doesn't, you have class + other things to do + other streams you refuse to miss + friends + etc etc etc and therefore you don't have a perfect distraction-free time to just go ham.

It takes a lot of self-discipline and control to not engage with stuff so I can focus on writing. And even still, depending on how cooperative my brain is that day, that can still be hours of writing.

Generally I try to chip away at least 3 paragraphs or get from one plot point to the next per day until the chapter is finished.

So TLDR; I spend hours a day, which totals to even more hours a week, working on a chapter.

It's equal parts because I get in the zone with writing and smash out a huge amount of the plot points planned for the chapter, OR I'm struggling with flow/attention span/a bunch of other things.

Due to my schedule, Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays are usually the best days for me to write. But even still, I have class Tuesday until close to noon, possibly other streams (curse you Sneeg and Fit /lh), work every other Saturday, family daily routine things like dinner, and the occasional plans with irl friends.

So uh. I do be battling the horrors sometimes to get chapters out. But now that Phil is finally possessed, I have a feeling I'll be breezing through things easier. I know a lot of what's happening next and I'm a whore for the drama. :3c

You have NO IDEA how much watching people scream and lose their minds over crumbs and currently published chapters motivates me. I'm so fucking excited for late game fic. Like Chapter 9 onwards. Ohohohough

#AMFMN things

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trans-queen-administrator · 6 months

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oh i have been tagged in a thing. ty @yugonostalgia2019. time to overshare

3 ships: Hmmmm ok I gotta list Taylor x Lisa, their dynamic makes me go absolutely feral without fail. Honestly I don't even need them as a ship I just love how horrible and amazing they are for each other. I am limiting myself to one Worm ship here, despite how much it pains me, but I shall provide brief descriptions for the other ships for the people who don't know the non-worm stuff here. Marina x Pearl from Splatoon are so damn cute and I adore them. Nepotism baby punk soundcloud rapper x runaway genius former child soldier military engineer is honestly just 10/10, and they're just so good! I swear to god if the DLC doesn't have a 20 minute cutscene of lesbian cephalopod kissing I'll riot. Splatoon is my biggest fandom besides Worm which is kind of hilarious to me considering the sharp difference in tone. Third ship... hmmm, The Doctor x River Song. I just think it's genuinely such a sweet concept and wonderfully executed, two time travelers who are in love but keep meeting each other in the wrong order so their experiences and knowledge of the other don't match up is tragic and great and I nearly cried at their final episode. Honestly just been a River Song fan forever too, she's eternally my transition goals.

First ever ship: Ohhhhh gosh this one is lame. Back when I was a wee lass in middle school browsing FF.net endlessly, my main fandoms were Pokemon and Super Smash Bros. I flat out didn't realize that you could ship anything except a man and a woman because like, no one told me, and I kinda was just not a fan of romance because I thought it was always forced in stories (I was right about that tho). But then I read a Smash Bros fanfic that had Lucina and Palutena shipped and I was just like... damn, women can kiss? That sounds so cool. Shame I can never do that. And so I read the shockingly large number of fics shipping those two because it was the only wlw ship I knew existed.

Last song: I don't actually listen to music that much. Last song is uhhh... the Monster Sanctuary PVP Theme I guess due to playing Monster Sanctuary PVP. If we're talking actual music, I think my sister forced me to listen to some Taylor Swift song recently? Idk what it was but I think the album was called 1984.

Last movie: I also don't watch movies much! Uhhhhhhhhh I think it was Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No. Might have been a different one? The Sharknado movie that ends with them crashing down to Earth inside of a shark after fighting them off from a satellite and one of the characters gives birth while coming down inside the shark and the baby cuts its way out with a chainsaw before the mom gets crushed by falling debris. Sorry for spoiling, I know everyone was really looking forward to watching Sharknado 3.

Currently reading: Making my way through the Snapshots series of Splatoon fics which are so fucking good. For published stories though, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight for a class. Thinking about rereading Worm and posting about it but I gotta beat the Lakesbian copy allegations.

Currently watching: I'm don't really watch anything when I'm on my own, I prefer to read in almost all situations. When I go home though, I watch One Piece with my sister because it is nice to spend time with her and she's very passionate about the show.

Currently consuming: Nerds Gummy Clusters. I regret every bite but I bought this shitty bag of candy so I gotta finish it. Fuck these are terrible.

Currently craving: Mini Chewy Sweettarts. They're my favorite candy and I have a massive sweet tooth so I've been craving them, but I swear every single damn store in a mile radius stopped stocking them and is now selling "Sweettart gummies" or "Sweettart chewy fusions" or "Sweettart ropes" or "Sweettart rope bites" and that is not what I desire! Where is my delicious mouth hurting candy ;-;

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armchairaleck · 6 months

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Alright, I am going totally out into the wilderness, away from anything the Dragon Prince fandom wants to read, to write some totally self-indulgent Viren/Corvus post s5 enemies to lovers.. ticking all my boxes but no one else's.. it’s pretty much consuming all my writing hours because I know it will be blown to smithereens by season 6… and I don't have much to say about it here because I also know it's utterly ridiculous.

ANYWAY sometimes I need a break from two guys discussing the nature of fate and existence around a camp fire (yep, fun times when I go all in on the indulgence..) so I’ve also started to write bits of King Atticus is an utter bastard AU (haven’t really thought of a proper name for this yet…)

Here’s a snippet cut below. I don’t even know if it will make it into the main plot, it's really just a little study of Atticus and Kpp'Ar plotting somewhat dubious stuff for Duren...

“Mmm” Atticus lifted the goblet of red wine to his lips and smiled. “Here’s to new ventures.”

Kpp’Ar did not drink straight away, he swirled the wine a little and let its scent settle in his nose first. The wine would undoubtedly be some of the best the five kingdoms had produced. He might as well savour it.

The first sip didn’t disappoint, rich and heavy on the tongue, mountain wine, grown in the foothills of Del Bar, he could almost taste the sweetness of the first winter frost that they’d allowed to settle on the grapes before harvesting. An excellent vintage, he let it roll slowly around his tongue and watched the king.

Atticus sat regarding him, eyes narrowed. It was often the king’s policy to sit until a silence grew so uncomfortable that it was impossible not to break it, and Kpp’Ar decided to oblige him before it reached that point.

“You seem to have already decided on the mage you want as my successor.”

Atticus leant back in his chair and rotated his goblet slowly between his fingers so that the candlelight glinted off the gold.

“Well, he has certain admirable qualities the others don’t possess. Very dedicated to the kingdom, and my son Harrow seems fond of him, they’re fond of each other, no? You can’t pay gold for that sort of loyalty.” He laughed, and Kpp’Ar felt his usual slight revulsion at the cold, metallic ring of it. “You’ll have time to indulge your other pastimes, research, those puzzles that you like. You can let someone younger do the more mundane magic and worry about politics.”

Kpp’Ar shrugged, it wouldn’t do to let the king see his true emotions, he was like a snake that way, he would swallow them now and digest them slowly later, add it to the list of all the other information he kept locked away inside his head.

This latest move, his retirement, was simply the king rearranging his chess pieces on a board. Kpp’Ar knew he had outstayed his usefulness, there was no point in arguing his case.

“It would be nice to have the time to explore other avenues certainly.” He smiled back at the king.

“Precisely, council meetings were never really your scene, and Viren has a strong sense of… justice.”

“Indeed.”

Kpp’Ar gazed down at his glass, he didn’t particularly want to look at the king, to see the knowing look on his face, the unspoken things that lay beneath his words. There were many things he found it prudent to keep to himself, but he could never be completely certain that Atticus hadn’t already sniffed them out somehow.

“You’ve invested a lot of time in Viren, it must make you proud to see how far he’s come.”

Kpp’Ar took another sip of the wine. There it was, the little flash of the blade. The way Atticus would hold it in his hand and let you see for just a moment before striking.

“Of course.” He let his finger trace the patterns etched around the goblet, finest Neolandian gold of course, and he feigned absolute indifference. Even if Atticus had an inkling of just what Viren meant to him, of the odd complexities that their relationship contained, he was not about to expose that in front of him. “I suppose I’ve grown… fond of the boy.” He wasn’t a boy now of course, he was a man grown and yet sometimes there were moments when Kpp’Ar could still see the burning drive of Viren’s younger self, awkward and eager and full of passionate intensity.

“Yes, you always seemed unusually invested in that one.” Atticus gave him a slow smile, like a wolf it was, all barred teeth. “Don’t worry, he’ll do well, achieve far more than most men of his station. Do you know, I’m even considering giving him a title? Lord Viren, I expect that would sit well with him. You were never much moved by titles were you Kpp’Ar? But then, you came from money, what does a little word mean then?”

Atticus knocked his signet ring against the rim of the goblet in his hand and the sound reverberated in the silence.

“For what would you give him a title?” Kpp’Ar kept his voice merely curious but he knew there would be a cost involved commensurate with the reward. Common boys like Viren did not simply become lords in Katolis.

“For services… rendered. I mean, that’s the usual reason for giving out titles, no?”

Kpp’Ar stilled his features and took another sip of the wine. There were very few angles to playing Atticus, once he had made up his mind about something there was very little dissuading him. Kpp’Ar knew he himself was an aberration, tolerated only for his unmatched skills in dark magic. Of everyone at the court he alone said no to Atticus, everyone else bent the knee, and so here he was, nothing but a piece in a game that could be quietly removed now. There was a new piece to take his place, one that he himself had trained and honed to perfection to suit the king’s needs. In a way he’d always been playing Atticus’s hand, had moved his own pieces exactly where the king had wanted them.

“What service will you be asking of him? It would be better for me to know, in case I need to advise him.”

Atticus placed the goblet back on the table.

“Yes, of course, you might be right. The ambassador from Duren… she’s been getting a little… insistent lately, harvest failures, a blight that’s been spreading year by year. Of course Duren don’t keep a high mage, strictly speaking there are no mages at all in Duren, they see themselves as… above that sort of thing. Enlightened, talk is Del Bar are thinking of curbs at least. Imagine that, soon all the kingdoms might start considering dark magic unacceptable, you know how they love to frown on anything they don’t understand.”

“I’ve heard some rumours.”

Kpp’Ar did not keep in particularly close contact with any dark mages other than those he has trained himself, and yet this news had already travelled to him from a disgruntled trader in Del Bar. It’s true that Duren by advantage of their geographical location have not had to resort to dark magic in quite the same way the other kingdoms have. Most practitioners there are simple healers who keep to the shadows and are recommended only by word of mouth. There are no great mages, no one of the calibre that Kpp’Ar would consider worthy of the title.

“Quite, and yet now that their harvests can’t feed the population, to whom do they turn?”

“To you I suppose.”

“To me.” Atticus’s voice cut like cold steel. “Suddenly their moral high ground is not so lofty after all, suddenly our aid is acceptable. I intend to let them see what a few more years of blight does. Let them come to the pentarchy when their backs are really against the wall. Then we can negotiate.”

Kpp’Ar nodded, Atticus had always been politically ruthless, it had left Katolis almost as powerful as the other four kingdoms put together. The Katolian army is a well-oiled machine, it greatly exceeded the needs of a few border skirmishes that erupted from time to time with Xadia. He ruled with an iron fist, and yet he was one of those rare leaders who can also put on a show of relating to the common man. Kpp’Ar had always been impressed watching him in action, from the humblest peasant to the richest lord he ingratiated himself effortlessly, like some street hawker peddling false cures.

He himself had always struggled to bond with anyone, he had very few friends, and yet for some reason over the years he has known him Viren alone had become something else to him. Something he chose never to quite quantify with words because it was fraught with hidden danger. They have blurred the edges of their relationship in so many different ways now and it was increasingly apparent that these feelings he had have allowed him to be played. He can see no way for Viren to avoid the web that Atticus has spun.

“So you want Viren to put her off?”

“No. I want new ambassador, someone a little more amenable, or better still, no ambassador from Duren. She simply has to meet with an accident, it would be unfortunate, but… well these things happen.” Atticus spread his hands and shrugged.

“What will you tell Viren?”

“Just that, nothing more, he’s a bright enough lad, ambitious, he’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t think you know him that well, he won’t kill someone, not even for a title.”

“Well, the title is only an incentive, a man like Viren has plenty to lose though doesn’t he? That beautiful wife, the son he seems so fond of, a baby daughter too.”

There is a dark look on Atticus’s face now and it is that moment that Kpp’Ar can see how easily he’d been played, how utterly out manoeuvred he had been, and that he is now expendable, he too could meet with an accident if the king willed it. He took another sip of his wine, swallowed it impassively as his mind worked around the problem.

Atticus thought that he knew him, thought he knew every person and all their weaknesses, but he isn’t infallible, he’d always been greedy for magic, for the power that it gave him but also for the knowledge of it too.

“I have a solution that might work, something I’ve been wanting to test for you actually, something I believe you’ll like.”

“Oh yes?” Atticus looked at him, face impassive, but he can see the glint of hunger in his eyes. Kpp’Ar knows something about human weakness too.

“Old magic, elven, I picked them up in Xadia, I had to pay a considerable price.”

Kpp’Ar reached into his cloak and dropped a soft fabric bag on the table, Atticus reached for it, undid the string. He is a man who had always been inordinately interested in dark magic and all its trappings. A small pile of coins dropped onto the table and the king stacked them, one on top of the other, before picking up the top one and spinning it slowly between his fingers.

“What are these?”

“Prisons, very old I believe, they trap the soul, hold it in an different plane. Far more elegant than murder.”

"Hold it how?"

"Trap the soul, transmigrate the body. No trace."

“Alright, so the ambassador is gone, we say she’s been taken by Moonshadow elves. Create a little division with Xadia. Duren could send a hundred spies to scour our kingdom and they won’t find a trace?"

"Correct."

Unlikely another ambassador will be keen to come after that.”

“I'm sure you have ways of getting your wish, Sire.”

Atticus flipped the coin and caught it easily, regarded his own reflection in the polished gold.

“Heavier than a normal coin.”

“Yes.”

“What magic?”

“Star they told me when I bought it, but that’s only because it increases the price considerably. I should say moon, perhaps some corruption of the moon primal. Hard to be sure without more research.”

“Interesting. Fine that plan is acceptable, can you reverse it?”

“Theoretically, I haven’t quite worked that part out yet, there are very few records of this sort of thing. Perhaps if Viren and I could use the castle library I might find something there.”

“As you wish.”

The king placed the coin back in the sack, pushed the others back in carefully and tied the string.

“I think perhaps I’ll let Viren have a few more months under you, so he can get used to the new role, he can attend the council meetings, but I’ll still consult you on the magical side of things. How does that sound?”

“Very good your majesty.”

Kpp’Ar bowed his head so Atticus couldn’t see his expression.

“Oh, and Kpp’Ar, send Viren to me later will you? There are a few things I wish to discuss with him.”

———

What are the complexities of Kpp’Ar and Viren’s relationship?

Viren and Kpp’Ar are carrying on a clandestine affair behind Lissa’s back… I mean maybe.. when I get into the planning of this AU Viren has a lot of affairs, clandestine and otherwise..

#anyway I don’t know quite what Atticus's body count will be..#but he’s very willing to put Katolis and his line of succession first and throw everyone else under the horse and carriage..#if they have those.. possibly not.. I'm not super observant..#Kpp’Ar’s smart enough to put up a bit of resistance..#but Viren’s gonna see that dangling carrot of power and trot along behind it like a donkey on a beach..#Anyway I’ll just curl up on my own out here like a cat waiting to die…#also pls ignore any errors with tenses.. I'm trying

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this-acuteneurosis · 2 years

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Okay but it’s important to me to say that you absolutely have a right to be and write in the Star Wars fandom regardless of how much of the source material you have consumed

gatekeeping in fandom is the worst. The absolute worst. in the same way that we can love and appreciate fic written before a series finished even years after it’s no longer canon compliant, we can love and appreciate fic by someone who hasn’t consumed the entire source material. how can we say someone isn’t able to write fic until they’ve finished it?? Even if they never finish it?? Especially in something so extensive as Star Wars.

Star Wars canon is a hodge podge anyway—setting aside the Disney reboot, even the extended universe was a mess of retconning. The movies themselves were a mess of retconning. The beautiful and wonderful thing about having so much material is that you can cherry pick what you like. DLB is canon to the original 6 movies, but even if it wasn’t it’s still a fucking amazing story.

You don’t have to watch the other Star Wars stuff to belong here. You don’t even have to like the original Star Wars stuff to belong here. The fact that you have a story to tell with these characters is enough of a membership card.

Can people want to see their favorites show up? Can they be disappointed/upset at the fact that your versions of them aren’t the canon versions? Sure, but that’s their feelings. You’ve been more than clear enough that you’re working from the movies, and we’re fucking lucky to have you here, writing, in exactly the way you do.

There’s a space in this fandom for the uber nerds who have read and watched every last piece of Star Wars media and bring all those details together in ingenious ways. There’s also a space in this fandom for people who have read or watched (1) Star Wars thing and caught the bug. And there’s a space in this fandom for everyone in between.

(…that was more ranty than I intended but I cannot express to you how much my heart jolts every time I see a notification email for you in my inbox. Sometimes a new DLB chapter turns my day around. You are a gift to this fandom.)

Thank you so much! (*^_^*) I really do appreciate the support.

And I have to say that overall, I've been treated very well by people engaging with me and with DLB. My worries are often disproportionate to reality, and I knew when I started posting Like Fire that getting at least some...disgruntled(?) feedback was just guaranteed and I needed to develop a thicker skin for those moments because when you engage online, people saying something that can hurt your feelings is just...inevitable.

Regardless of canon compliance, just based on subscription numbers and how many enthusiastic comments I get per chapter, I know the reception of DLB is just overall positive for those who choose to engage with it.

And I do want to engage back with people reading my story, and even share my thoughts and feelings on why some aspects of canon make it in or don't. I'm just a worrier by nature, so I'm often careful and reticent preemptively, especially on the internet. I'm getting more comfortable in this space and I hope I can keep engaging more in spite of my old habits. But I still definitely retreat like a snail with a poked eye back into my little shell when people get...enthusiastic about correcting me. Those infrequent times it does happen.

(Really though, I am so, so glad when people talk about how DLB just brings them so much joy by existing. Like, why else do we create art but to create feelings between otherwise unreachable souls that want to harmonize so badly? What greater joy is there than to reach out and feel someone reach back?)

#people are so kind #canon what canon #Don't Look Back

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chimggukchim · 2 years

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UNHINGED AND SNOWBALLING

I’ve been in this fandom since early 2017 (5 ½ years). That’s way shorter than a lot of ARMYs but it’s also way longer as well. So I think I’ve consumed enough content in real time to have the opinion I’m about to share.

Taekookers are increasingly becoming louder and more unhinged by the passing day in this fandom.

And THAT is a truly frightening thing.

Let me explain…

At the beginning of my ARMYdom, I knew nothing of shippers and shipping except for what ships were in the fictional world. I never imagined anyone ever ‘shipped’ real people (for fun or otherwise).

So colour me confused when a Jikook video popped up on my YT page. Anyway, after trying to avoid anything and everything related to shipping where BTS members were concerned, I eventually watched a VLive where Jeon Jungkook made me finally question the nature of his relationship with Park Jimin. And I essentially went down that Jikook Rabbit/Chicky hole.

For a good length of time, I read/heard/saw nothing about Taekook as a romantic pair.

Namjin? Umm…yeah. Sope? Obviously. Taekook? Negative.

Hell, I had never even seen any content which remotely looked like Taekook were anything other than those BFF’s who are inseparable and are a collective menace to those around them.

Until I did. I can’t remember exactly but I’m guessing it might have been the G.C.F. in Osaka. Some ‘fans’ were suddenly loud about Tae and JK. But they were definitely in the minority.

That was in 2018.

And over the years, the Taekook loudness, from my experience, has gone through these phases:

Ø Hoping for content

Ø Celebrating content

Ø Overanalysing content (that really was mostly non-content)

Ø Subtly throwing barbs about Jimin

Ø Blatantly throwing barbs about Jimin

Ø Calling Jikook complete fan service

Ø Dubbing Bang PD the greatest fanfic writer

Ø BigHit is keeping Taekook apart and the boys are miserable.

Ø Jimin is a borderline molester who always makes Jungkook uncomfortable (save JK!)

Ø Taekook have had it and are now rebelling against the evil machine and giving hidden content in plain sight.

Ø Oh, but wait! Their relationship is only for them so they keep their moments private.

Ø Jimin the homewrecker and sl*t is keeping Taekook apart. He and Bang PD are forcing JK to do fan-service cuz it pays the bills.

Ø Completely, 100% making stuff up about dates with absolutely NO proof but being loud about it so everyone believes.

Ø Oh, someone showed Jikook some love so let’s harass them until they either go private, delete or deactivate.

Ø Jimin is the scum of the Earth – Taekook REAL – Jikook FANSERVICE

Ø I HATE JIMIN – TAEKOOK IS REAL – JIKOOK IS FANSERVICE

Ø JIMIN IS A ****** - SUPPORT TAEKOOK OR ELSE – FANNNSERRVICCEE (enter trucks/e-mails) – F*CK YOU, DELETE!!!

Needless to say, their presence on social media (and in real life, I will never forget that b!tch at the airport with that damn sign where the boys could see!) has only gotten louder and more disturbing as the years have progressed.

And I have seen it.

And this is worrying to me because if this behaviour continues to go unchecked by this fandom, I can only see it escalating.

And eventually meandering into actual dangerous territory – the frightening part.

Because with the way they’ve been moving lately, I am truly terrified that there is a very real possibility that these psychopaths could have intentions of physically harming Jimin and/or Jungkook. Because they see our mochi as an obstacle.

And if ONE was brave (and f#%%ing STUPID) enough to physically show up with a sign to the airport, what’s stopping some truly disturbed psycho from physically approaching Jimin in some form or fashion?

So here I am praying for the boys’ safety and hoping it never comes to this.

…But the thought is sobering and chilling.

#jikook #jimin #jungkook #bts #bangtan sonyeondan #bangtan boys #toxic shippers #Kookmin #mingguk #minkook

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abcd-em · 1 month

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Talk Shop Tuesday: because you are a marketing girlie, eye would love your thoughts on the idea of fanfic marketability as it relates to popularity/traction. It’s one of those things that’s rarely ever gets put into words (except to be derogatory) and is undersold as a part of what makes a fic “take off” I’ve known plenty of fantastically written fics that never get their time to shine just as I’ve know abjectly terribly written things become the most kudos and recommended fic ever.

How much of marketing are /you/ thinking of, if you’re thinking of it at all, when it comes to publishing a fic?

(And bonus: what’s the reason you think your underrated WIPs aren’t doing as well as the others?)

As the second person to ask me that, of course I can!!!!!

Fandom, as with any other community on the Internet, goes through trends of what they like to see and how they like to read. I'd argue that it's impossible to truly predict when a fic will 'take off' bc of this but there's definitely things you can assume.

The marketability of a fic rarely stops me from writing what i want (obviously there are exceptions), but its something i keep in mind when planning to ensure theres little hooks here or there. There's things that I know in the back of my mind, that I know almost for certain (for my writing and what's I've observed at least):

- kid fics will do well (or more low stakes, domestic fics)

- fast paced [blank] to lovers will do well vs. A slower burn (I could say this has smt to do with fear of fic abandonment and maybe attention span)

- MCD will not (at least in mcu petermj)

- platonic or character driven stuff can be a mixed bag

- etc.

Your fandom, your tropes, the bare bones of your fic (not the actual words just the vibes/direction) can definitely have an impact on reach and inevitable audience size - not forgetting that HOW ur fandom interacts with content should be considered. Example:

My Insomniac fics didn't get many hits bc it's a smaller audience (though i tend to find more of those hits also equal comments). From that, My Peter/Harry centric fic got more engagement and interaction VS. My peter/MJ centric fic - I knew this would happen when I was writing it BECAUSE the main thing talked about after the release of the second game was Parksborn. (Understandable I was also consumed by the brainrot)

Not to get SEO about it but tags and summary are also going to impact these things. Themes and tropes all have their own popularity innit. Your tags are there to give an overview (AND WARNING!!!) about the contents of your fic. Boiling all your plans down to the right tags will help it appear to the right people that WANT that kind of story, and exclude it from others. Your summary will also help with that (and from my experience main characters & romantic hook/tease is what gets most attention). This is probably where I consider marketability the most tbh and why I struggle so much with summaries bc why am I thinking of work when I'm writing fic???

But tags and summary definitely impacted Forever: there's a big tilt towards 'sadder' tags bc I want to be transparent about the topic. And the summary is very focused on Peter and Gwen (which is why I added the little line about MJ and Peter at the end).

The focus on Peter and Gwen also impacted the divorce AU. I didn't anticipate that fic getting as much traction as it did, but It wasn't until chapter 8 or something that it really began to take off.

Also. As with anything on the Internet. There's the 'right time, right place' effect where something just CLICKS, the perfect storm of a few small things that gets swept up to huge numbers and its difficult to pinpoint a single one.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: creating content for the sole purpose of marketability will make it less fun and kill your joy

Talk shop tuesday

#em answers #talk shop tuesday #there's probably more i could say but ive had a nap and woke up less evil so

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wandaslittlelove · 2 months

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Rules - Characters - Ext.

Characters I write For:

Yelena Belova (Black Widow)

Natasha Romanoff (Avengers)

Wanda Maximoff (Avengers)

Rosalie Hale (Twilight)

Hope Mikaelson (Legacies)

Josie Saltzmen (Legacies)

Lizzie Saltzmen (Legacies)

Lexa (The 100)

Clarke Griffin (The 100)

Raven Reyes (The 100)

Octavia Blake (The 100)

Elizabeth Olsen

Angela Giarratana (Smosh)

Courtney Miller (Smosh)

What I write about:

Age Regression/Pet regression

Pet play

Dark Fics

Angsts

Mostly Anything

Female or Gender Neutral Reader

reader inserts (reader is always depicted as 18+ unless Its a situation where the read is a characters child)

Rules:

Reader is always Bottom

Do Not Write

i will never write content including pedophilia / romantic or sexual scenarios involving minors or bestiality. these things will never be subject to change. if you consume that content or see nothing wrong in its production, you are not allowed on my blog.

Incest (step-family is fine but everyone must be of age)

male!character or male!reader

top!reader or dom!reader (i may dabble into this in the future, but i’m more comfortable writing bottom!r and sub!r as of right now)

Dark!reader

scat, piss play, race play, and fetishistic / offensive content

hateful material (homophobia, transphobia - so no g!p, fatphobia, ableism, racism, etc.)

crossovers between different fandoms

Other Stuff:

i do not own any of the fandoms i write for

the majority of what i write isn’t canon (so no one scream at me for changing the story pls)

please be detailed in your request when sending in a request. i wouldn’t want whoever made a request feeling unfulfilled or uncomfortable.

do not try to rush me. i can take a while to get to writing because i do have a life that keeps me busy outside of here. also, there are times where i am available but am not in the mood to write or have writer’s block so be patient.

i try my best to write each request, but sometimes i can’t if it’s on a topic i’m not well educated on or something i’m uncomfortable with.

#info #request info #characters i write #natasha romanoff #wanda maximoff #Yelena belova #octavia blake #clarke griffin #Commander lexa #kate bishop #Rosalie Hale #josie saltzmen #hope mikaelson #Lizzie Saltzmen #Lexa #Raven reyes #Elizabeth olsen

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persephoneflouwers · 1 year

Note

Angie, I am kinda new in the Larrie fandom. I get this that all the so called gfs are actually stunts and all that promo narrative. But could it be possible that Louis is really the father? Why would he drag a child into a stunt for this long. It's not like he's not had a long term stable relationship on the side. Why the need for this extra coverup? I guess maybe he could be the father afterall. Maybe some surrogacy shit was involved. Could it be possibly?

Hello, angel! Merry Christmas ✨

I am going to take time to answer this, because I don’t want to say things that can be misinterpreted. First thing first: welcome to Larryland! It’s fucking nuts, ngl. Secondly… I get where you are coming from. I get it, really I do. But guys… shit happens all the time. I know we like to believe life is easy and people come with high morality and good at hearts. I know that would be incredible if the world wasn’t indeed populated by greedy men who will find any possible solution to make their plans work. I know, I see why many people like you have the hardest time digesting babygate.

I’m not here to convince you on this, because we are not here to bear the pain of this on our shoulders and you should always find yourself navigating what’s comfortable to you and if this is not a safe topic for you to enter, then don’t do it. At the end of the day, you are a fan of his music not of his gossip agenda am I right? Believe what makes your staying here more enjoyable.

There are plenty of timelines, masterposts and stuff explaining why nothing around it makes sense. Have a read, if you want. What wasn’t real 7 years ago isn’t real now just because they keep doing it. It’s funny how blogs handle the discourse actually, because many times their points of discussion are going nowhere. We know nothing. Let this sink in: we. Know. Nothing. We don’t know who is running it behind the scenes. We don’t know in what extent the people who play pretend are actually involved. We don’t know who thinks what. We don’t know who is gaining what and who is not. I’ve seen people talking about trauma for the kid and what not. But seriously this is dangerous territory and there are so many things to say. But we can’t really, cause we don’t know.

I know it feels gross to have a child involved in this, but how is it worse than coming up with this in the first place?

Mind you. This is not Louis’ fault. You will never see me saying that. Ever. When you are part of the wrong mechanism, in the wrong environment, with wrong people behind your back… it’s so easy to get trapped into a mess like this.

The bigger the bait, the bigger the fish.

And we are common people, their rules don’t apply to us. Try not to use your knowledge of society and common sense for big multimillion dollars companies who will literally sell their souls to the devil to help their business rise. There are fields where there is no ethic for the workers and for the consumers (music being one of them). I know your next question is why they would agree to this, is it worthy? I can’t answer to that, because it’s not my call. It’s not my life, my dream, my job. Based on the person I am, I would never do it in the first place, but I am me.

I strongly believe (for now at least) this was their way to buy Louis out of that nightmare of a major label and I bet it wasn’t the only one clausole of the contract (include here no radio support, no huge promo, no media or other kind of important support). But this is just my opinion. I don’t have any proofs or tools to act like I’m right. And as a kind anon said I’m just a “doctor of idiots at best” lmao

I don’t know if this replies to your question, but no, angel, Louis doesn’t happen to just have a baby with a random american girl after he broke up with his fake long lasting girlfriend in the meantime a potentially dangerous rumour about his queerness and gay relationship with his also rumoured to be gay ex bandmate could ruin not only his band career, but their (Harry’s mostly) solo career.

Edit (because I misunderstood the question maybe): A surrogacy was involved for sure. Think of the fertility clinic sonogram we got last year. I just do not think Louis was involved. Why would a 25 years old boybander want to be involved after all? Looking for a baby’s surrogate mother instead of trying to fix his relationship with his gf of 4 years and then start a family with her? Doesn’t make sense not even for a rich person imo

#they cry and share the saddest or most bizarre clinical cases of the day #babygate #babygate discourse #haters stay away if you are not able to have a normal conversation #it is what it is and this is just my opinion #harmless opinion on my little blog bye #the surrogacy was involved for sure #just not louis

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zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon · 4 months

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Thinking about new years resolutions. I usually like making a list with the caveat that I'm not beholden to it. I feel like having exact goals and forcing myself to do them often doesn't work, it just sorta makes me feel worse when I can't do them. I'm self aware enough to feel satisfied about doing something I want without making it a hard goal. So anyways here's a more nebulous ramble of stuff I wanna do in this new year. Less I have to do this and more a direction of what I know will make me happy C:

I wanna cut out the dead time in my schedule. Not like the time I need to rest and do nothing or have pointless conversations with friends; I've learned those are kind of necessary to life. It's okay to not do anything when you feel bad, especially when the reason isn't tangible. No I want to cut to the chase when I'm lollygagging on deciding what to do with my free time, I wanna cut out stuff I just do to pass the time; when I'm not shutting down or not feeling it, I want to intentionally be doing the stuff that I know I'll love. I'm old enough that I know my tastes, I know what I'll like and I should just do it.

I wanna actually get through some of the games that have been on my list for a long time, the classic vns, the recommendations from my friends, etc.

I wanna get back to reading manga. It's a medium I've neglected a lot for the latter half of this last decade. And that's a shame because it's a medium that, when I like it, I'm fucking ravenous for. Shit is so easy to consume, I can do it right in bed and stay up for hours because I'm obsessed.

I wanna read at least a little bit more text. Reading books has often been a struggle for me because of attention issues (always losing my place and reading the same paragraph 14 times, not being able to shut out distracting noises so I have to idle until they stop, during the day I'm too antsy to read, and when it's too late or too early reading isn't stimulating enough for me to not drift off to sleep or get distracted). But there's books I want to read, books I know I'll love, books that have been on my shelf for 5+ years that i just haven't gotten to. Mainly I wanna start actually reading the monogatari LNs. I feel like it'll give me a greater appreciation of the series and open me up to parts of the fandom I feel like I've been cut off from forever. I consider it my favorite series so I wanna embrace every part of it.

I wanna watch anime for myself again. I always feel like I'm not watching any anime, even when i do. I've doing that tried-and-true trick of just watching anime with friends every week for like 7 years that I employed to keep myself from wasting away when i was in that post-college, retail job deep depression. But I've fallen out of watching stuff consistently on my own. I do it sometimes, but its usually when its a show i can obsess over a show w/ my online friends together (love you dis and mattie), but when we don't have that I often don't have the motivation. I wanna watch old stuff and new stuff and my friends' fav animes. I'll finish Aria one day and eventually start watching Lain.

I wanna post my feelings more. I feel like this site has enabled me to do that more than twitter (this itself is kind of an exercise in that), I just haven't gotten into the full swing because I've had poor time management and am still getting used to doing it. I want to express myself more to friends (both new and old). I feel like I'm so bad at managing communication with online friends; never reaching out to hang or initiating conversations. I can sometimes get intrusive thoughts born from jealousy or inferiority that make me feel insecure about some of the closest people I've ever known when the root of the issue is often just being bad at reaching out to them when they're usually free. Also, I just wanna play games w/ my friends more, even if I'm bad at it.

This is a new years resolution, but i wanna work out more. Specifically i wanna get back on that lower body routine I was on. In general I just want to boost my ass and thighs (my ass was never that skinny because i played hockey growing up, but there's potential i could be better exploring) and maybe trim my tummy a lil. I'm not actually all that dissatisfied with where I'm at now: soft at rest, but puffing out my chest will just barely give me that slightly buff look (for a guy) where the chest sticks out a lil bit further than the belly. My ideal is to sorta to be able to do both. I'm not too ambitious in going further than that, but I think I can reach that (or at least maintain where I'm at) if I can get on that basic lower body + cardio routine. Plus it'll get me more excited about cosplaying.

I wanna get more fem clothes and be more comfortable dressing fem around actual people. I want stuff that actually looks good together. I want to be confident enough to go outside in it and feel nice even if people are weird about it. I only went out once in a skirt and it was at 3 am walking down my street and back and i was basically just at critical-level-paranoid the whole time despite there being actually nobody else. It's something I've been interested in forever. I wanna be good at coordinating outfits in general; it's always looked fun, but depression, anxiety, and expectations about nerdy guys have always held me back.

I wanna get more fuckin sex toys. This is not in a down-on-myself-way, but, oddly enough, I'm a little ashamed that I'm a guy so late in my 20s that's explored so little of what I actually do to my body to get off. I should be a pro at rearranging my own guts by now. Like I'm confident in saying masturbating is kind of a hobby for me, I would do it even if I didn't have a sex drive that compels it because it's actually just fun for me. So I should treat it like a hobby where I actually learn about how to better please my body (as well as train it).

I wanna bake more. I can make bread now, I wanna be making that shit almost every week. I wanna bake more cookies. Cookies are one of the foods you can actually send through the mail so that means I cook actually send food out to friends and they could eat it. I could be actually making food for people and not be cagey about it! gotta learn what stuff they might actually like. But also for me. It's so satisfying just to be able to make the things you like, to be self-sufficient in that kinda way. I wanna learn how to cook more in general. There's a sense of control and power where you can just make your favorite things.

I wanna actually try writing fiction/fanfiction. Even if it's gunna be bad and cringe. I envy those who can do it even if it's written like a joke or done badly. I'd love to write stories, either about my own characters or just about my favorite ones from media. Specifically this year I've kinda learned about how good fanfiction can really be even when its sloppy or improvisational or the author doesn't feel good about it or all of the above. It's similar to cooking and baking where it feels like a magic power that you can actually learn how to do in this world.

#long post #anx-i-e-demons #zealthoughts #lel vent tag because some of this is definitely tmi #there's probably more I'm not thinking of but this is the jist of what i wanna work on this year #maybe try learning languages?#at this point I feel like I'm more likely to improve on that if I DON'T include that in my new years resolutions post #also looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong #please don't read this it's embarrassing

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