#I just don’t feel prepared

[itspileofgoodthings]

I think it’s such a lovely thought that the stuff you’re going through now is preparing you for the things you want.

#I know I’m sorry this is so insta inspirational post of me #but I love it #just the thought that our hearts are sure enough to know what we want and reach for it #but too stupid to understand what we need to actually be able to receive it #so God prepares us gently through the here and now #however ugly and painful! #Anyway I often feel that I don’t even know what I want and that is its own anguish #but this is still a comforting thought to me #I love when things are true just not how we think and this is kind of the heart of that #you GET the thing you want. it is also a surprise and gives you more than you thought it would #in hard ways and in good ways #I am just reflecting #I told my counselor yesterday that I did overthink everything but also I had a lot of beautiful thoughts in the overthinking #and she laughed and was like ‘yeah I can see that’

[synthetic-rust]

What they don’t tell you about autism is that it feels like you’re simultaneously one step outside of reality yet two steps too far into it at all times

#chatter #salt grain thoughts #autism #I truly don’t know what I’m explaining here #but this is what I feel like constantly when I’m inferacing with the world #too far away from it yet also too inmeshed in it at the same time #like I react to things with a weird sense of almost astonishment like I’m experiencing everything fresh for the first time every time #(I don’t literally go ‘woah’ or anything but the intensity of the thing never changes) #which can either be good or like most times overwhelming #it’s probably why I keep myself so zoned out a lot of time #… #might just be a me thing but this feels quite connected to how my brain works I guess #feels like my head is just never goddamn prepared to experience anything at all #which lends to the whole needing control over your environment thing with autism #gotta have some sort of expectation and consistency happening or else your nervous system might shit itself

[rainymoodlet]

#gotta be honest with you all #getting through it has been impossible lately #i’ve been getting endless anons about my gameplay portions of kmik and accusations of favoritism and bias #and i just cannot do this #i was so excited for the spa arc and its completely gone #i was not prepared to take on the guilt of the actions of little pixel people #i just… i’m already struggling through every day #can you maybe not come into my ask box and accuse me of making shit up thank you :))) #i feel so apathetic toward everything #my excitement is practically gone #i don’t even think people are enjoying it anymore its just #an utter failure of what i meant for it to be #idk i go into my drafts to post and i’m not even excited anymore i just think ‘oh fuck will this be enough to satisfy #people’s wants for information?’ #and with more and more bachelor challenges being like i will not be using poses i’m like #have i made a fcking mistake lmaoooo #txt #sorry i’m not stopping kmik i just #am struggling 😌 harddd #negative //

[batwynn]

I’ve gotten a few insistent anons lately demanding I state my thoughts and opinions on the current and past history of Palestine on this blog. (You can tell they don’t follow my more personal side blog, I guess.) On the one hand, I do understand people wanting to know that someone they follow has similar opinions on severely important things like this. But on the other hand, most of the asks have that certain… tone that gives me the feeling that they are more interested in ‘catching’ me in something, than any actual concern over my politics or the actual people involved. They’re worded in a way that is very immature—in a way that leaves very little room for anything other than the exact statements parroted back to them that they expect. Which I can’t do. One, because I can’t read their minds to say exactly what they want me to say. Two, because I’m an entire person with a whole life that they know nothing about—something that comes with all the flaws of being a human person with my own history and education based on where I lived and who I knew. And three, because I don’t want to parrot someone else’s words to appease a random person I don’t know. And the thing is, I’ve had this conversation already with nearly everyone in my life. I’ve gone over it at least a dozen times with friends and family from all walks of life. Some conversations were harder than others. All of them were hard. Partially because what is happening is hard to talk about, and partially because I don’t really know what to say. What do I say that changes anything? What do I say that isn’t speaking over someone who is directly affected? What do I say that won’t be misinterpreted by someone willingly misinterpreting/looking for a fight? What can I say that doesn’t hurt anyone at all? Because someone out there will always be hurt, no matter how carefully I try to word things. And I have tried. I’ve written this post 80+ times for months now. I’ve read other’s words and found parts that spoke to me and for me very well, but then have that certain edge that goes into the harm territory. Some lean into Zionism, some lean into antisemitism. Some are just outright racist, some are full on fascist. And that’s really the entirety of it. I just don’t want people to be hurt anymore. So to answer your questions, anon:

I don’t know what the right thing to say is and no matter how careful I am, it will never be correct enough for you. I am angry and horrified at the harm that has been done over many years to the Palestinian people. None of my words can really summarize that history, or what is happening to them right now. Every single day I learn something new, and every single day it is someone doing irreparable harm to innocent people. I am disgusted by the never ending terrorism and harm done by people who think that killing innocents is a worthy way to get them what they want. And that goes for anyone who does this, including but not limited to the Hamas, the Israeli army, or my very own colonizing country. I am alarmed at how black and white people are treating this, and how no consideration is allowed for those who fall between the cracks or who dont follow their strict narrative. That people forget that Jewish Palestinian people exist when they go on their rants, or what people from every ‘side’ or corner of the world can want the end of the harm. That people have hatred for Jewish and Muslim people with no regards to who they actually are and what they believe. That there are so many who support Palestinian freedom, and then parrot outright fascist talking points. That many come to support their Jewish friends, but then say that Palestinian children deserve to die because _____. So, no. There is nothing I can say that really matters. Because no matter what I say someone out there will twist my words, or misunderstand, or tell me that I’m supporting something I don’t support. Because no matter what I say, I just can’t write the right words on fucking Tumblr to stop the harm from being done.

#personal #Batwynn Talks #I don’t know how to be more clear #I struggle to write stuff out like this to begin with #murder and colonialism is bad? #antisemitism is bad? #hatred based on bullshit is bad? #do you actually want to know what I believe or do you want to catch me out and try to make it a Thing #so you feel good about yourself #so you feel like you’ve done something #I don’t know maybe go volunteer or donate to people who need it #instead #trust me #it’s much more helpful than whatever this anon message bs is #anyway #if you feel like you need to learn more about this #just like I did #I can recommend a few posts with a lot of education material #but be prepared #for how truly awful it can be

[poprockspillage]

i don’t have my tablet but i can’t keep my love for metal gay solid contained any longer so here’s some sketches! more to come at some point because it’s all i’m drawing right now lol

(alt text is on the images and will be on all future art posts)

#my art #metal gear solid #mgs 2 #otasune #snotacon #god im still getting used to being back on tumblr it feels like i just walked into a room #gave a presentation on something that i Did Not Prepare for to a silent crowd and then walked back out #how do people even write their captions here !! i don’t know it’s been years #anyway. enjoy

[steelycunt]

an um. snippet. from me. for the first time since. july :-)

#from a fic you likely will not see for at least. two months. but still <3 #reallt brave of me to snippet considering ive still got no plan from one scene to the next and have only written um. four scenes but. well #if you all bear witness to evidence of the wips existence then maybe it will help me commit to finishing it. :-) #this is also. this snippet is from the very first scene and it is not my favourite but the snippet i WANTED to share is simply too long so. #sorry about that. :-/ also im just talking now you don’t need to read these tags but it is so lovely being in remus’ head now im so used to #it it used to be so unnerving…but i live here now i love it…im also in a bit of a #loving sirius era atm so actually im enjoying writing about how pretty he is. (<- me after being visisted by three spirits on Christmas Eve) #special shout-out to hope lupin. kicking things off immediately with her funeral she is so killable and i really appreciate it. #tsahonip feels like a silly acronym so i think we’re sticking to shortening it to. #tsah #snippet #my fic #r/s #anyway. if it goes the way i want it to the whole fic is very. london and dreary flats and bars and mugs of tea and resentment + melancholy #you know. because ive never done that before have i. also the discography of the smiths so prepare for that on the playlist soz :-(

[starbuck]

with respect to myself, this whole “i need to wait till i’m out of school to date,” “i need to wait till i’m more historically, politically, and culturally educated to date” is all bullshit. it’s the top surgery. that’s the holdup. they chop these tits off and i’m ready to go.

#for the record - i still think that those first two things are the WISEST course of action #but i’m just saying that i don’t think anyone could hold me back if the opportunity arises #because the top surgery thing is my real hangup #because that would be a LOT to go through with someone in a new relationship and i would rather Not #so it’s better to wait #and i have a feeling that MY confidence will increase a ton in the aftermath as well #i’ll FINALLY be able to dress how i want holy SHIT #no more needless layering and strategically shapeless flannels #thank GOD #and in the meantime i’ll just keep trying to learn as much as i can on the way there! #so that i’m as prepared as possible whenever the moment comes along #i’m really working on not being mean to myself about not knowing things #nobody comes into the world with this knowledge #and i was not given the resources growing up that encouraged me to learn these things #just because some people had parents or friends who introduced them to things when they were younger or grew up in cultural centers #doesn’t make them cooler or better than me #i am educating myself now and that is what is important #i enjoy learning and that is what is important #i WILL become my ideal self one day - i am getting better #i am not perfect - i am still fucking up a ton and insecure and stretching myself to the absolute limit #which is why it is probably NOT a good idea to date right now!!!!!! #but who knows… i’ll just go where the road takes me #and see how that works out

[lokilysolbitch]

god bless Jessica kellgren-fozard and any other disabled creator responsible for rewiring my brain at the age of like 15 so that learning im disabled and need mobility aids did not ever feel like a death sentence

#now it’s more like oh I’m disabled? how can I make my life easier #now it’s more like okay time to prepare for doctors who don’t listen so I don’t waste as much money or time thinking it’s just hormones #now it’s more like I need a cane?? ooh something new to decorate #now it’s more like saying Rollator My Beloved when you look at your mobility wishlist #now it’s more like knowing to plan ahead before getting a mobility aid and researching societal and other obstacles beforehand #now it’s more like learning niche tips like hiking sticks helping with vision issues with stairs #now it’s more like finding communities who get excited for you when you say you’re getting a mobility aid #now it’s more like looking for coupon codes for pretty compression socks #now it’s more like not beating yourself up for being tired and listening to your limits #now it’s more like knowing how to put on compression socks in advance #now it’s more like wondering if you should name your shower chair #disabled ppl can have good times sometimes #we can be cool #oh also now it’s more like knowing what pots is and finding something that matches your symptoms (thanks Jessica) #and ​now it’s more like not feeling weak #like emotionally #I feel physically weak #handmadeorganicpost #disabled

[numnue]

saving this years reread of aristotle and dante dtsotu until the month i turn 16 so that it really hits me hard (i’m not emotionally prepared to be jealous of characters my own age)

#somehow i always end up rereading it every year #first read it when i was like 12 and i was like wow can’t wait to be 16 and have a car and drive out to the desert and get drunk with my gf #while we look at the stars or whatever #and now it’s just like wow that is so unrealistic people my age don’t drink or party like that #and then i remember i’m just a loser <3 #ANYWAYS ill be 16 in two months and im just like not prepared #16 feels like a big age #wow i really told my life story in these tags #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #aaddtsotu

[gentlemanbutch]

I haven’t seen anyone talking about this (I may have just missed it) but are we in the OFMD fandom going to talk about Taika signing the Zionist letter to Biden?

I adore this show from the absolute depths of my soul, but I don’t support that at all and want to be very clear about that. And yeah, I try to “separate the art from the artist” and all that because celebrities have fucked up on so many things so many times, but because I care about this show so much, and because watching a show and talking about it equals promotion and money, I just want to be very clear that I support Palestine. While I love the story and characters, I do not support Zionist actions taken by an actor.

#I would say to pirate the show but some od the other actors have been really pro Palestine so like…I don’t have an answer tbh #again this may already be a discussion but I haven’t seen it #it’s also just sad considering Taika has talked about Indigenous rights so much…I was surprised but then again #I feel like I just have lowkey mentally prepared myself for all celebrities to actually be terrible #idk. #also anyone who is antisemitic or islamophobic or racist will be blocked #ofmd #our flag means death #taika waititi #free palestine

[leieryx]

Im never gonna be normal about this i fucking knew it

#finished DE #it’s time to pace back and forth Thinking #I was already planning how to do a second run halfway through it is so over for me #im ggonna crew the drywall #CHEW #now I need to find the song that plays at the tribunal I’m so sad I didn’t have it turned on though the ending music also hits #wish I could just be pleased about it like a regular person or even just make a lot of fanart but no it’s time to #Feel like there’s three million bees in me #or ping pong balls maybe you get the idea #be prepared for me to make Something. idk what yet #dfugk man #can I even cook lunch rn. #all I wanna do is rotate these guys in the collage maker (GREAT btw) and run around and somehow achieve that at the same time #it was good though don’t get me wrong I’m just insane #I’ll think I’m probably not autistic just trying to be special and then shit like this happens like Yeah Man. #im gonna attempt to cook lunch I’m So strong

[kyngsnake]

hiiiiiiiiii yall, heads up, I’m moving to a new state in about three days so I may be slower responding to messages than usual. By next week I should be back into the swing of things.

#I know I don’t need to make announcements like this but I’d feel bad just dropping off the face of the earth #prommy I’m not ignoring your messages I’m just in the final stretch of getting things packed and prepared #nothing tests your stress threshold quite like moving.

[buysomecheese]

It’s funny to me that my t-shot day, today, is Leap Day. Like that’s kinda funny I think. I also like that Leap Year is the year I graduate high school + start college. Wouldn’t it be fun to see if I could get my top surgery on Feb. 29, 2028 I think that would be So cool actually

#in other words I started testosterone today #obviously first day I’m not seeing any changes yet y’know #but I’m So excited #I also took my car through the car wash and made significantly less a fool of myself than I did last time #I don’t think I want to make a huge deal about being on testosterone because idk I just want to be A Guy about it #like be stealth about it ig #I’m so excited I feel. calm in my body. and prepared for changes. #and I don’t want to like emphasize that I Wasn’t on T and I’m On T Now ig #idk I’m like conceptualizing this strangely I’m so excited #we’ll reconsider tomorrow lmao

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[lowpolysonic]

tried to write something more eloquent about my feelings as ramadan starts this year but i can’t get the words out. just please please keep donating, sharing, speaking about palestine, do whatever you can.

#just. sitting here preparing to start fasting tmrw and i mean it’s Supposed to make you think abt everyone around the world who don’t have— #—enough food anyway but this year it feels particularly emotional