Tumgik
#I haven't felt this angry at people in a long time tbh! so many people broke the rules last weekend
mycptsdstory · 2 months
Text
I forgive you
Heyy A.M.M
You probably don't want to hear from me, that's okay. I'm not mad at you for thinking like that. Tbh, I put all the hurt and anger away. We were kids, so I can easily forgive you.
We were friends, but then you became my bully. But everyone told me the same story. You became their friends, then you turned into a bully. It's the same story, they might have not forgive you, but I do.
I don't even know where to begin.
You probably forgot what you did back in high school and how much you hurt people. The lies you told, oh so many lies A. Then you wondered why people didn't believe you? Yeahh, I get that home life can cause trauma and makes you act a certain way, just to numb the pain. I understand your mum was on drugs and I understand addiction can be horrible to deal with. You were so young, a child even and that must have been difficult to see your mum hurting herself. I know now, your mum is drug free. I'm proud of her, it's not easy breaking addiction.
I forgive you.
The lies, oh so many lies you told. How you faked numerous pregnacies. How you broke your foot. Stuff like that.
Oh, I'm not talking about the times you told me about your dad abusing you or SAed you. I'm not talking about those times. People in our friendship group (back in high school) thought you were lying about that. Me? Idk. I just thought you must be going through a lot at home, to say those things. Idc that it didn't happen, I still forgive you. Abuse, is a touchy subject and I will never discredit you. I believe you, either way.
I remember how you got K to secretly record my conversation about you, when we were just 15 years old. Then you got K to send it to everyone at school. Yeahh, I haven't trusted anyone with a phone since, I'm always on guard. But still forgive you.
Then suddenly you had fits, yeahh people at our school thought you were faking it. I did too. Why? Well a family friend, your 3rd cousin told me you were faking it and I honestly believed her. I was only 15, we were children. We couldn't control our emotions as children, but the adults in my life, weren't loving and kind towards me. So, they lied to me a lot, with ill intention. Compared to your lies, your lies didn't mean to hurt people. So, I do forgive you. Even tho I sent you so much hate towards you, it was mean and cruel. I was mean and cruel towards you. I admit, I turned into the bully. But still forgive you.
I remember when we both left school, the same group of friends haven't trusted me since. Tbh, I don't trust them. It's why I moved away, to get away. I hated the mindset of the small town, everyone knows everyone bs. It's why I went to college in the city, I felt safe there. No one knew me, I could move there and just blend in. Compared to our crappy old town.
Tbh, if you haven't heard. I haven't talked to my family in 8 years, will be 9 this year. The crap they did to me, was nothing what you did. You were a child, you had a lot going on. So I forgive you. I just can't forgive my family.
Heck it's so bad, I'm moving country for good. I'm moving to America and I know I can be happy there. Nothing against you, I just need to get away from my family.
I see you have two beautiful girls, I know you're gonna be a fantastic mum. I think you saying about the fake pregnancies, you've always wanted a child to love, to nurture because you didn't have that growing up. Isn't it funny how psychology works?
I had to block your sister T.W because she was talking to my cousin. Me and my family don't get along, so I had to do it for my protection. It wasn't against your sister in anyway. My family doesn't love me, let's face it, they don't. I know you never got a long with my sister L. Heck, no one does. Your other sister S, she removed me because she cheated on her bf at the time and she got angry at me because I found out. I know your sister S, had her child taken away. I'm sorry, that must be difficult. I can see why you are so protective of your little ones, you don't want them to go through the same thing as you. You have every right to feel like that. I also understand you had sisters taken away because your mum was going through a lot, you must miss them dearly. I pray one day they will reach out to you and I know you will love them, with open arms.
We had a bad past, we both stalked, harassed and sent hate to each other. But after all that, I do forgive you. I don't hate you, I don't wish you with ill intent. I hope to see you happy and thriving.
I guess, all our bullies had a lot going on at home. So they lashed out at the people because we couldn't control our emotions. I still forgive you.
The reason why I wanted to talk to you, is because one last thing, I know my mother put your mum on drugs. My mother, well, she isn't a kind person. She feeds off the people who she hurt and she gets a thrill from that. I know first hand because every time my mother hurts me, my mother LOVES IT. I also know my uncle beaten up your mum while being incarcerated at the police station. This is why I can't talk to my family. My family did evil things to people that is unforgivable, in the eyes of the law. I only know this because my family love to boast about it, how much they love to hurt people. It's inhumane. I will never forgive them for it.
Just thought I mentioned that.
This will be last time I will ever talk to you. I wish you well and I wish you the best.
We don't have to have a friendship. I'm okay with not having one. I just wish you the best.
Love [flower]
0 notes
kenobster · 6 months
Note
honestly I wouldn’t put too much stock in follower counts and activity pages. obviously we have no idea how many followers users have but I’d wager it’s around 50 for most people, and depending on how long you’ve been on here, a good chunk of them might be inactive or lurkers.
furthermore, this used to be the reblogging things site, which has since been plagued with likes only. it’s like that for a lot of posts, big blog or otherwise. but the problem with that is, if no one reblogs things, there’s less opportunity for more notes in the first place.
the moral of this story is, do whatever you want and don’t worry about adding your voice on anything! the numbers do not matter at all
Thanks so much anon, that's very kind of you to say!!! I love every single one of my followers, even the inactive ones and even the scandalously dressed ladybots that I haven't reported & blocked yet. XD Like, I seem to be miscommunicating lately, and it feels like maybe I'm coming across as upset/stressed out/angry without meaning to? So I'm gonna take this chance to needlessly describe my activities for the last 24 to 48 hours to prove a point lmfao.
Yesterday morning, I was reintroducing my grumpy timid cat to a super friendly cat I will be cat-sitting for the next month or so, which was super fun and one of my special interests. After that, I was chillin with my fandom homies while we played Jackbox and heard each other's voices for the first time ever (voices that were audibly referencing Vader's Uterus lmfao so I was pretty ecstatic). After that, I played around with my INCREDIBLE Vader bop-it toy that I bought yesterday based on a friend's recommendation. My first Hasbro merch ever. :) I'm in love and I still can't believe it's a real thing that exists.
At that point, I checked Tumblr and... yeah, admittedly I panicked a little because I was a bit scared I'd soon get a bunch of angry asks screaming at me for being a meanyhead (to beat a horse dead, this is just a regular run-of-the-mill anxiety of having a fandom blog and it is absolutely nobody's fault). So I spent an hour or so chatting with a friend until I felt better and then I quickly made the post in question regarding my follower count so that, despite the bewildering attention Five Peggats Each has gotten, everyone would know the truth about my lack of influence lmao. (This is a compliment. From me to me. I like my lack of influence. I'm not fucking kidding lol. I actually have panic attacks sometimes about the idea of becoming internet famous. I literally don't want that lmao. Fifty to a hundred followers is an A+ amount imo, so it's about time I guess it's about time I start losing those pornbots lmfaoo.) Anyway, last night was probably the first time I've checked my follower count in the entire history of this blog tbh. So like, you're being super sweet, anon, and I'm hoping other people will see this too because it's absolutely true and I think your words would be very encouraging and reassuring to anyone who sees this!! But I promise you that my activity log statistics and teh amount of followers I have are not things I spend time thinking about.
Once that was all taken care of, I wrote/edited a little bit for my fic for QuinObi week (SO EXCITED! Literally just a few more days!). Then at around 4am, I woke up with middle-of-the-night epiphanies on how to phrase a couple things/finish/tidy up my thoughts for that Fox opinions post, and I lay in bed working on that for an hour or so. After that, I went back to sleep, woke up, chatted with the fandom homies again, and then, ever since, I've been playing a video game I've been dying to play all week. Until about an hour ago, I literally had no idea what may or may not have been going down on Tumblr, and I wasn't thinking about it at all. And now that I've enjoyed myself on Tumblr for the day, I'm probably gonna invite my mom up tonight so she can spend time with the cats while I use her as a captive audience to talk about Vader's Uterus lmfao. And then at about 10pm, I'm gonna head bed because I work for a living and I forgot to ask if I get the holiday off.
All of this to say I am fine!! I'm just chilling, living my life, doing my own thing. For me, Tumblr is like a fun thing to check out every once in a while, the same way I spent time playing my video game, enjoying my Vader bop-it toy, hoarsing around with the cats, or anything else that strikes my fancy. Kidney stones and abusive ex-bosses are the things I worry about, not like.... a pixelated number on a screen lmao. In other words, this is a hobby to me, not a livelihood, and if I wasn't enjoying my time here, I literally would not log on (and sometimes I don't log on! For days and days at a time. Because I'm enjoying other things more!)
But anyway, I will say that the thing that makes it the most fun for me here? People like you!! Who send me asks. Who share their thoughts on my posts. Who became friends that give me the confidence to make the posts that I wanna make. Who have other fun lil interactions with me. So (1) Please don't worry about me. I'm fully medicated, my back is sore, and I'm too old to be upset over fandom things lmao. And (2) I really cannot thank you and everyone who makes my fandom experience so enjoyable!!! :D Y'all are great and I'm thrilled to be able to have fun here. I'm living my best life.
1 note · View note
widening-skies · 3 years
Text
Agonising over whether or not I should go to France next month... I would have a legitimate reason to travel (voting) but mostly I haven't seen my family since last summer and I'm so scared that things are going to go downhill again. In August I thought I'd see them at Christmas, then I thought I'd see them in March, now I'm hoping I'll see them in August, but what if it can't happen... again... :(
3 notes · View notes
bookofmirth · 3 years
Note
I haven't read ACOSF yet, and tbh I'm rather rusty with the characters but it was really interesting to read your opinion on Elain! I feel there's a lot of complexity to her. And how she presents herself as well because as you said we literally have no chapters from hers or Lucien's POV and I think that's the important point to note because right now we're all just guessing and assuming her to be like Feyre, but she's not. People deal/show their traumas in different way and l think people expect Elain to deal with it as Feyre did. But, Feyres trauma and Elains are very different!
I don't really know what I'm saying. But I read your answer and it made me go 'oh... Huh!' in a good way, it sparked my curiosity! So thank you! But I think Elain perhaps is the most complex person with their trauma. I know people say 'oh Nesta is so different' but (I specialised in drama therapy so I love psycho analysis) and what Nesta did is self destructive to prevent relationships to avoid hurt or more emotions that she doesn't want to acknowledge (in my opinion!)
Elain just shuts down. She doesn't drink, she doesn't screw, she just remains in her garden which in itself says a lot! That's a very grounding way to handle trauma and not a lot of people are aware of that side!
So yeah I don't know what I'm saying but I think it's a really interesting discussion!
I have so many thoughts about Elain! This took me a few days to get to because i knew I had a crapton of thoughts. So this is basically me using this ask to explain the way I see Elain post-acosf!
There are three important scenes in acosf off the top of my head: when Elain talks with Nesta and they fight, and then with Nesta and Feyre and she gets mad and leaves, and then Feyre and Rhys talk about her in their chapter. We’re getting a lot more information about her, and for me, it wasn’t so much about who she is, but why we don’t know who she is.
So far, what we’ve had is Feyre’s and Nesta’s POV. Even when Feyre and Lucien tried to help her in acowar, they were unable. So we’ve never had anything about Elain from someone who didn’t grow up with her and experience the same trauma (such as becoming destitute, their mother’s death, their father being beaten, the Cauldron, etc.)
The sisters do handle it very, very differently. And I think that at this point the fandom consensus is that Elain runs away from her problems, but I actually disagree, and partly because of what you mentioned - that she isn’t using those self-harming, destructive coping mechanisms. Nesta was avoiding her problems, hardcore. It’s absolutely possible that Elain avoids things, but I don’t think that she just runs from all of her problems because:
Elain grieves her father. Openly. She tries to accept the fact that it wasn’t her fault and that she couldn’t do anything about it. (See: her going to his grave in acofas, her first talk with Nesta in acosf.) Elain does not run from her grief, she doesn’t pretend it doesn’t exist, and she doesn’t hide it from others. As one of the most defining events we’ve seen her go through in the series, that’s a pretty big deal.
Elain does not cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There could be ways that she does this that we are unaware of. She does seem like the type who would be really, really good at making people think she’s okay, all while she’s silently imploding. But we don’t know that yet?
Elain does not isolate herself. 
However, Elain definitely needs to deal with some stuff! She definitely needs to deal with Lucien, and she needs to have an actual talk with Nesta because I don’t remember a single satisfying resolution between those two in acosf. Not like Nesta had with Feyre. 
I have this idea that is purely based on Elain’s line in acosf:
“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow, all you think of is what my trauma did to you.” (pg. 233)
And then Feyre tells Nesta that yes, Elain was right. 
This is so so so sossosososos important. I cannot emphasize it enough. Elain is used to putting on a fake, smiling face because she doesn’t want the weight of her sisters’ concern. She has been pretending to cope for so long - and tbf, she seems to have been doing better than Nesta - that people not only forget that she has suffered, but she doesn’t feel like she can even express that suffering.
Emotional labor often means negating one’s own feelings in order to acknowledge or tend to someone else’s. And that is Elain’s major role, in the series. Feyre has been caring for everyone’s physical wellbeing (hunting), while Elain’s role has been to care for everyone’s emotional wellbeing. But, like with most emotional labor, it has gone unnoticed.
I’ve made posts about emotional labor in the past (four years ago!!!!) but I’m gonna spare you the link because a lot of it was about a ship that’s no longer a ship, so here is the relevant content:
What I am talking about is the regulation of emotion - any time that you give comfort, are especially attentive to someone’s needs, stop thinking about how you feel in order to focus on how someone else feels, try to cheer someone up, make sure that they are taking care of themselves, try to allay their insecurities, etc. Basically, helping them with any sort of emotional distress.
You know those posts you’ve seen, about women protecting men’s egos constantly? Or about making time for self-care? Or about recognizing toxic relationships? That tell you “if X is being demanded of you in a relationship, get out”? Those are ALL about emotional labor, broadly speaking. They are warning you not to do more than you can handle, more than you need to do, because it can be harmful to you.
If you have ever been expected to make a person or people feel better any time you are around each other (including when they are angry, upset, anxious, ill, frustrated, insecure, etc.), you have performed emotional labor. Pretty much everyone has done this at some point, unless you are a completely insensitive jerk.
Notice, though, that I said expected to and any time you are around them – this is where the problem comes in for YOU. This is not about just being there for a friend.
Making loved ones feel better is fantastic. Seeing people be polite and kind to one another makes my heart shine. That is not a problem in and of itself. That can be seen as emotional labor, but there are no requirements on you in those circumstances. This is something you are doing of your own free will.
The problem, again, is when this is expected, constantly, over time. Now, in my experience, the expectation is not necessarily coming from the other person. One of the problems with this type of labor is that not only do others expect women to perform these tasks, but women expect it of themselves.
It’s super easy to see this – who is expected to take care of a child when they fall? Who is expected to baby-sit? Who did you want when you were sick as a child, mom or dad? Who is expected to be sensitive and pay attention to others’ emotions?
For more info on this idea specifically, read Of Woman Born by Adrienne Rich. As a woman, I realized how much work I had been performing and how much it was harming me and I just… got real upset. She comes at this mostly from what a woman’s role is expected to be within the family, and might actually be a bit outdated in that respect because I feel like family structures and dynamics are shifting (that is a totally un-academic evaluation of the situation, don’t quote me on that), but still, it’s really informative.
While I was doing some research for this post I came across a peer-reviewed article about nursing and basically, high amounts of emotional labor led to anxiety and burn-out in those performing it. It literally will cost your mental health – not to mention your time, energy, attention, and it often requires you to ignore your own needs (this last part came from me, not the article). On the other hand, high levels of emotional intelligence (being able to recognize your own and others’ emotional states) meant less emotional labor (and therefore less anxiety & burn-out). One of the most important things to realize is that while you are taking care of someone else’s emotional needs, your own are frequently unmet. That is why it’s important to recognize this in yourself, not just in these characters.
So where does Elain fit in? Elain is the #1 emotional labor provider of the family, and she is about to freaking SNAP. I know, because once I realized how my trauma was hidden in order to spare someone else its consequences, I fucking SNAPPEd. I’ll also spare you the personal details, but Elain hasn’t been “okay”. She hasn’t been “boring”, or “nice”, or “chosen” Feyre over Nesta. She has literally been unable to express herself because (and I am NOT blaming Nesta or Feyre or her father one bit) her family’s emotional state has been so fragile, there hasn’t been room for Elain to feel or express her emotions in years. 
In the feysand short, Rhys says:
I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.
And that completely tracks. Everyone has gotten used to Elain being not just “nice”, but being the emotionally predictable one. The one they know they can go to for a smile. The one they can count on for never, ever making them realize that she has been through Some Shit Too. And being that person is exhausting.
When Feyre thinks about Elain not using Lucien’s gloves, 1) she still has them, otherwise she couldn’t think about Elain not using them, and 2) I like to see the gloves as something that she will come to use, once she realizes that she can feel and express those emotions without it causing a breakdown in the family. Right now, she just wants to feel. And she can’t do that emotionally, so she’s doing it physically. Once she heals and finds a better balance, she won’t need to resort to physical pain. (Which, lowkey has me thinking some other thoughts, but.... maybe later.) But anyway, once Elain does go through her very own special journey, I fully expect her to welcome those gloves. She won’t need physical pain to feel anymore.
Not to mention my completely unacademic and non-professional opinion that people will judge a nice women harshly for being rude once, but accept a woman with a history of rudeness for just “being that way”. It’s another way that Elain may feel trapped in her “nice girl” persona. I think she started out that way - kindness and light and generosity is 100% in Elain’s character in the first place. It’s not as if she went into the Court of Nightmares and suddenly Cassian thought, “wait, she fits right in to this shithole of depravity”. No, he still thought the literal opposite. It’s just that once people get used to you doing all their emotional labor, they will continue to take advantage of it, even if they don’t realize its cost.
90 notes · View notes
thisdreamplace · 3 years
Note
I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier
I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-
It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(
This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅
Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!
Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha
Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused
This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen
My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭
To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.
To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.
When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.
So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.
If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.
Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.
Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖
11 notes · View notes
one-abuse-survivor · 3 years
Note
reporting from the milky way again :)
yes, i did get the exams and project out of the way (the main reason i worked on the project so much last weekend was because i had to turn it in until sunday night) but right now were in the process of getting all the grades back and tbh i'm less than happy about it. So far i'm not happy about math, physics and chemistry and there'll be even worse grades in geography, german and music.
and my dad did not realize the extent of my struggles and seems to think that i'm just a rebellious teenager or something
i know that my mom will be around tomorrow afternoon and i am planning to talk with her then but that'd be a one-on-one conversation and i'm not sure if i can handle that at the moment but we'll see. i can tell you how it went afterwards.
and i'm really excited for friday bc it's the last day of school this year and afterwards we have a 7 week break and i'll be able to go out for lunch with a friend whom I haven't seen in two years because they moved to the US.
okay so this is milky way again and i wanted to let you know how trying to talk to my mom went
spoiler alert: it was worse than disappointing
i didn't start talking about my suspicions of being neurodivergent because i wanted to see how helpful she'd be first so i just kinda started with how i struggle with concentrating and not getting distracted at school and my sleep issues and that's about as far as i got before i got a feeling of how pointless this was.
the only thing she did was telling me that others have it worse (since i still have above-average grades), that everyone has this kind of existential crisis at some point during their teenager years, that the sleeping and concentration issues are just teenager issues that everyone has and that everyone feels like their struggles are worse than everyone else's even tho most of the time they actually aren't and finally that she can't help me
i of course quickly got the hell out of the room and went to bed (so i can be by myself in my room in the dark with my door closed). on one hand i'm absolutely furious and on the other hand i am disappointed, sad and dejected and i don't really believe myself anymore. seriously, what if she's right? she's had about 40 years more life experience and she was a teenager too at some point so she'd know this kinda thing, wouldn't she? what if i'm just complaining too much and talking over the ones that are actually struggling and can actually prove it with grades and stuff?
i feel a lot worse than i did one hour ago and i should've just not started talking in the first place and i regret it so much because i know this conversation will haunt me for the next week if not more.
i'm just angry angry angry
at myself, at her, at the way she compared me with literally everyone else at my age, at how i'm not sure of myself and at everything
i haven't felt this bad since last november and that was when things got really really bad (suicidal thoughts and self-harm included) and i'm so so scared of being there again because i'm on a 7 month 2 week streak with self-harm and i don't want to have to break it
sorry that this is just me venting and that this is so long
tl;dr i tried talking to my mom, now i'm angry at myself and her and i'm terrified of myself
Hi again ❤ I'm really sorry your grades aren't as good as you wanted them to be and that your dad keeps acting like your struggles are just a teenage rebellious phase and not taking you seriously :( I hope you have a good time with your friend, at least!
I'm so so sorry talking to your mom went so badly. I hope you're feeling slightly better now, but if not, I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug. I know how hard it can be to believe you're actually struggling at first, especially mentally, and I can't even imagine how horrible it must feel to have those fears "proven" by the very people meant to help you and support you when you reach out for help.
She is not right, nonnie, no matter how much she insists she is. First of all, I think there's at least some truth to the idea that teenagers tend to think the world revolves around themselves, and to feel uncomprehended at times. But I also think that's completely understandable. I mean, you're experiencing what it's like not to be a kid anymore for the very first time; you're facing many grown-up problems and feelings for the first time. And all of that while hormones wreak havoc in your system. How are you not meant to be at least a little bit angsty at times? But you know what? That doesn't mean you don't deserve help and guidance from your parents! It is a part of parenting to guide your kids through their teenage problems and to help them deal with emotions and issues they'd never had to face before. So even if she was right, and all you were going through right now was a typical teen existential crisis, you would still need and deserve her guidance and support. And you would still deserve to see a doctor about your struggles with sleep and concentration even if it turned out it was a teenage thing. There is no scenario where you deserve to suffer and push through your struggles alone just because your problems don't come from a serious enough source.
Second of all, grades are not indicative of how much you're struggling. I got some of the best grades in my school during years where I was going through abuse. I know a person who managed to get into a medicine degree with undiagnosed ADHD (and you have to get some really high grades to study medicine here). I also know a person who passed 3/4ths of her uni subjects and graduated university while in a depression so severe she could barely walk. Your grades do not dictate whether you need help.
And third of all, she might be older than you, and I'm sure she had a lot of learning experiences as a teenager herself, but that doesn't mean she knows you better than you know yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. No one has experienced all life experiences and gets to decide what other people are or aren't going through. And most importantly, there's always going to be someone who has it "worse" than everyone in this world, but that doesn't mean everyone else doesn't deserve help to manage their struggles. There's no such thing as not struggling enough to deserve help. Either you're not struggling at all, whatsoever, or you are to some extent—and no matter what that extent is, if you feel like you need help with it, then you need help with it. No one gets to tell you you don't.
From what I know, it's not unheard of for neurodivergent people to get told by their parents that their experiences are universal and therfore "not a big deal", and for it to turn out that their parents have some signs of neurodivergence themselves and just never got diagnosed. I of course don't know if that's the case here, but I want you to know that regardless of her reasons to tell you your experiences are universal—whether she also went through that and never had it acknowledged or she's saying it to gaslight you and make you question yourself—her behaviour is still neglectful. And you deserved so much better than to be made to feel like you're making things up, exaggerating and talking over others when all you did was ask for help with your personal struggles.
Sending a giant hug your way ❤️
4 notes · View notes
lesbiancarat · 3 years
Note
Lol its fine!! Reply whenever you can ^_^
But ahh true, true. Idk why I thought it would be a hint to the music lol but a sort og an evolution of the concept so to speak. Either way, am excited for the comeback because fresh svt is always iconic. Oohhh the concept photos are all pretty and idk which one to pick jfkshfjsjd. Like they are all very on brand for them but also unique and pretty. Very artsy haha.
Ahh yes, rabbitnwas forever iconic and it was what helped other places like discord to do similar things! But ah understandable!! Both seventeen and nct (when I was getting into kpop more) always felt like BIG well known groups due to their fandoms being so big at least to me. Especially when people always recommended their songs i just assumed they have been around for a while like bts when I joined only to realize they are still rookies. Monster rookies indeed!! The fact so many people love them is enough for me to say they are amazing, well respected and loved by many. Those comments annoy me, especially when people downplay their hard work by claiming 'bighit helped them get more famous' like what!? Yes bighit did help with getting more western attention per se but like downplaying as if they haven't achieved anything at all is confusing to me. Claiming how streaming fans aren't doing s good job to which im like one, mass streaming isn't healthy and two, fans who do try their best and we do beat records of our own. Seventeen isn't unpopular, just because they aren't you know who level doesn't mean they aren't big like do people forget what unpopular means?
Anywhoo, a day late but happy late birthday to our tiger King. May he forever rule the tiger land and take over the world with his tiger agenda lol.
yes! one side fits my aesthetic the best but all the concept photos were nice ^^
and yeah it is annoying but at the same time those people are so detached from reality that I'm just sort of like whatever djflgj like 'it's obvious to anyone who knows what they're talking about you're wrong so I'm not going to bother arguing w you' is sort of my mindset when i see those comments dhfkj bc if i don't think of it that way then i get angry easily. the way i see it bh/hybe definitely is helping SVT with western promotions but like. i don't think SVT/pledis would have been incapable of expanding into the western market on their own if they wanted to. but it's a given that it will be easier and faster with hybe bc they have connections and a reputation in the western market already established. honestly I'd guess that was one of pledis's main incentives for agreeing to the acquisition. but at the same time hybe and western media wouldn't give SVT the time of day if they truly were the flops some ppl try to claim they are lol
and yeah agreed, streaming culture can be super unhealthy. it's one thing to do it if you want to but at the same time don't be losing sleep over it or prioritizing it over your real life responsibilities. and definitely don't guilt trip and say a bunch of toxic things to others to get them to stream... i feel like it would be a lot healthier if fanbases just stuck to simply explaining, hey this is what streaming is and why it can be important (for like music shows etc) and here's how to do it properly if you choose to stream, and then just let people decide for themselves. there would still be people more than willing to do it, and without the guilt tripping maybe even more people would just find it enjoyable. but hey, what do i know? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
i also think most kpop stans underestimate how many views from from casual listeners and fans vs hardcore fans/streamers. like streaming does make a difference, but not 100M views difference like some people try to act like it does. tbh there are a lot of groups that have a smaller core fanbase than SVT but get hundreds of millions of views bc they have a lot of casual listeners. you can even see it internally too: don't wanna cry is SVTs most viewed MV by a mile, it's the only one to pass 100M views, let alone 200M. and it has nothing to do w carats streaming dwc extra hard, it's bc it's arguably SVTs most well known song outside of the fandom. i see reactors all the time who react to it and say "oh i know this song! i had no idea it was by seventeen" and you can look at the comments section and see a bunch of people saying the song has a fandom of its own/even if you're not a carat you have to know this song
kpop stans also put too much emphasis on views imo and also equate views to popularity, which on the surface might make sense but isn't always the case. actually in terms of profit, groups/companies make the vast majority of their money off of album, merch, and ticket sales than they do off of views. but those are all things that are a lot harder to "sell" than views, because they actually cost money for the consumer, while you can watch an MV for free. hence why it makes sense that there are a lot of groups with hundreds of millions of views that get relatively low album sales. it's easy to convince casual fans and and listeners to watch an MV than to get them to buy something
and I'm not trying to diss other groups at all or try to say groups that consistently get 200M+ views are flops, they're absolutely not. I'm just trying to point out that kpop stans completely underestimate the amount of casual listeners that exist
but this is why SVT is honestly such a fascinating case. their MV views are nothing to write home about, and yet they're the second highest selling k-act at the moment and are in the top 10 if not top 5 highest selling k-acts of all time, their album sales are literally insane. a lot of people chalk it up to carats being bad streamers but like i said before, streaming isn't going to make a difference of hundreds of millions of views. this indicates to me that seventeen have a bigger core fanbase (ie people who call themselves carats and actually keep track of seventeens activities) but a smaller audience of casual listeners compare to other kpop groups. and i think a lot of people, carats, and non carats alike, pick up on this in some way or another but don't realize that's what's going on and it manifests in kind of weird ways sometimes
and this fact isn't something that bothers me, i actually think it's super important more than anything for SVT to have a strong core fanbase if what they're shooting for is longevity. but i do find it strange bc as i said, groups that do better with digitals than physical sales make total sense from a consumer standpoint!! so how did SVT end up like this!! it's so interesting for me to think about. i think i would have a better idea of why this is if i had been around since debut but alas
the only thing i can come up with is that SVT is better at retaining fans or like... getting fans invested in the group so people who become carats are less likely to be multistans? bc multistans play a huge part in both being and attracting casual listeners. they're the ones making video compilations and edits and content that includes multiple kpop groups, which is how a lot of non-fans get interested in other groups. whereas if someone is just a carat and making content for SVT the people most likely to watch that content is ppl who are already carats. i know im not the only one that's noticed it's kind of rare for SVT to be included in multistan edits and videos. which i don't blame anyone for, i think most of those people genuinely just don't stan SVT and they shouldn't be expected to include a group they don't know we'll or at all. at the end of the day ppl can make what they like. but it's interesting to observe as a general trend. but idk SVT potentially having a lower percentage of multistans still isn't really an explanation for why SVT doesn't have as many casual listeners bc those things kind of just go hand in hand. like either one could be the cause of the other one if that makes sense
ANYWAY sorry for the long reply but as i said the ratio of SVTs core fanbase vs casual listeners is a topic i find endlessly fascinating dhfmfj
4 notes · View notes
nitthilangeorge · 4 years
Text
Got a thought on ma mind lately and I just wanted to talk about it since I haven't seen anyone speaking about it and I felt it is really important to share this message.
we all would've come across artists/Creators sharing and trying to promote their works on every social medias possible. Getting annoyed? But ever thought why behind? I'll speak about it , being an artist I thought I should definitely talk on this ...
Tumblr media
Here by the term 'artists' I mean everyone who creates something new/an artform. They can be a photographer, musician, lyricist, actor, painter, dancer etc.etc. thats not gonna bring a difference for what I'm gonna say
First guyz whoever reading this know that we/artists promote our art and not promoting ourself trying to get some attention,fame or somethin'! Any artist who is really dedicated to his work fully will know this and will never ever do that
But do you know what's the happiest moment for an artist in his life? It's when someone checks out their work and says It's good or that they personally liked it . People, comment whatever you feel about the work we'll rly value both positive and negative feedbacks as it helps us to get better , but please just simply don't comment something without even checking the work and doing it just for the person's sake and giving the artist a false perception
Tumblr media
I've seen many artists/creator's coming up with a new amazing art of theirs after putting days and days of hardwork into it but even tho it all will be underrated after them exhibiting it. That's when most of them gets hurt and lose hope in them and quit the work what they were good at ... You see thats how so many of the talented artists and their art becomes dead.
It's really sad that we need to depend only on the support from others to grow and make reach to our art especially speaking about growing artists. At times even I've felt so low after sharing my work with everyone, had got me feel like I'm literally begging everyone to check my work (I swear every artists would've gone through this phase)
(Once as usual when I shared my song with everyone one of my friend said that "Glad that you remembered my existence when you wanted youtube views and stuff" I swear nothing can make one feel worse than that I still remember that ... I felt rly sorry and bad at the same time coz Ik I'm literally bad at maintaining people when they are not around me. Talkin' about friends, even family or anyone! but they all have meant to me so much always tho)
Most of the time we really need some Inspirations, motivations and hope to push us on forward to continue to do a work. When there is none among the three yeah it gives a rly worse state of mind. At times it makes us feel stressed tbh ,Even I have been angry towards ma close ones and family just because I was holding back my many music projects for so long on pending coz I wasn't able to finish it.
Tumblr media
Artist's block is the worst case scenario, It's the worst thing that any artist could face . It'll just get your mind blank and fucked up . You won't be able to get an Idea or bring up something new for a while it can start with hours and even can last upto days and weeks.
Guyz we all are in our homes now having plenty of time in our hands. Why don't we take a glimpse at each other's wonderful creations. Its really hard to survive as an artist but even a small word from you can bring up a real smile on someone's face. Your two minutes time spent on checking/feedbacking the work is the real prize for the artists who spent days and days for creating it.
Giving some real respect to the people out there who constantly supports each and every artist's content every time , you guyz are the real MVP's and reason why the art in us still lives.
Thanks a lot for reading If you made it till the end :P Ik its such a big message but just wanted to convey this to atleast one or two souls out there!
#Saveartists #Bringupartists #Quarantine #Spreadlove ❤
5 notes · View notes
fujosh1dreamer · 4 years
Text
Before the year is over and 2020 starts I'd like to talk about two shows I haven't even mentioned or posted about since they ended.
Two shows that were at one point very near and dear to my heart, but now I loath their very existence.
Tumblr media
Voltron and Svtfoe
Both of the endings to these shows left a bitter taste in the mouths of the fan base, each for different yet similar reasons.
Tumblr media
Star had lots of ship baiting and I mean lots.
Tumblr media
It was honestly annoying at times but in the beginning at least it was bearable. Then it continues and just becomes worse. Like there was no consistency and the characters became bland shells of their former selves.
They completely ruined Marco he was so selfless and cute in the beginning but then he because the type of person who cheats and lies. Also he's like really old which is really weird to think about.
Tumblr media
Not that it mattered in the end because the people behind the show were all about starco, so they rushed the end of the show and had Star do something rash and dangerous, without thinking of how it would effect other people just because her boyfriend of 2 days wasn't in a tapestry with her.
In conclusion Tom is best character!!!
Tumblr media
Cool!
(There's a video on YouTube by blue order that's like 2hrs long that goes into details about svtfoe)
Next it's voltron.
There are too many things wrong with voltron for me to talk about in a single post but I'm not willing to do another so whateva.
Tumblr media
This post is mainly going to talk about ruined characters instead of ships, but I want to note that shipping is a big reason for voltron being bad in the end as well.
First up Shiro, like he was my favorite character at first then he gets ruined like the whole clone thing was almost good but nope ruined. Especially since Shiro comes out of the experience mean and angry. Which was ooc and really weird.
Like I won't go into full detail just yet but one of the things that ruined shiro's story arch was Keith. I'll get to it.
Tumblr media
Next is Pidge with a sprinkle of Matt which is more than what the final season of voltron gave us.
Pidge was never my favorite character but I could at least understand where she was coming from. We could sympathize with her. However her obsession with finding her brother and later her father really ruined her for me. Like the story with Matt was very well written and sweet, but the stuff with her dad really dragged on and made Pidge seem like an entitled brat.
Matt used to be an actual character. Any one remember that?
Tumblr media
Next up Keith, now Keith for me was always kinda in the middle not my favorite but still good. However by the end of the show he was my least favorite character. He was the only character in the show who got too much backstory, and too much screen time.
This show is meant to follow team voltron not just Keith. It felt like the story only progressed if Keith was there saving people.
Which is what ruined Shiros story arch. And tbh Hunks story as well. Shiro and Sendak was a rivalry built up since day one, and yet Keith is the one to kill him because why? Oh yeah he's the main character.
And it was like this for everyone else too like remember when Keith got that random weapon upgrade the plasma canon thing and he saves lance or whatever. Like it's always Keith.
He needed less development. Because all his development made everyone else look silly.
Tumblr media
Before lance I just want to say not gonna talk about Allura, Hunk, or Coran even through Coran was a fave of mine. I will however say Coran should've been there to say good bye to Allura. Also Allura had a really good story right up until she died. And hunks story shouldn't have been shoved into the end of season 7 but oh well.
Now onto lance my favorite and best boi of all time. Lance should've been a beautifully complex character but instead he was the butt of every joke.
He even got laughed at for crying about missing his family, talk about low even for voltron.
His final and only story arch was in season 8 the last season and it revolved around the fact that he was dating Allura. It felt forced and pathetic. I couldn't help but feel bad for Lance because every scene he was just sad and upset.
They clearly only had them get together to try and make Allura dying more impactful.
He didn't have any development in the end, and he deserved so much more.
So to top it off shipping isn't necessarily bad but how creator and show runners respond to shipping is bad. Also character development is the most important part of story telling how can we connect to this characters without that.
So this is a final farewell to Star and Voltron.
27 notes · View notes
coleblackblood · 2 years
Text
I kind of wanna die.
Like, clearly I keep hurting people. But they won't leave. Even if maybe they should.
Hurtful things were said. I haven't felt this shattered in years tbh lol Like, I forgot that having someone who knows you well also means having someone who's words hurt that much more.
But... I can't make myself say them back.
Fuck you
You're being an asshole.
You hurt me.
You made me feel like I am utter shit for the problems I have.
You make me feel like you don't trust me.
You made me feel like you still have times where you think I would hurt you the way the others have.
I feel angry. I feel pain. I feel broken. I want to hurt. I want to feel numb. I want to cry, scream, destroy myself utterly.
But I also want to rebuild. I want to get better.
But I'm the only one, am I?
I was wrong. You don't make me feel like you don't trust me - you flat out don't. In more scenarios than one. And that hurts.
I can only be honest so many times. But if you're not willing to accept the trust in return, it's never going to happen.
And I don't think you have. Not really, not in your heart.
I hope you do, some day. With me, or others.
Cause that's one hell of a burden to keep on yourself for so long.
0 notes