#I haven't been able to talk to any mental health professionals after that and I dread the next time and worry about it being traumatic

[lucidlivi]

Chosen For Pleasure (XIV)

Series Masterlist/Warnings

Tag List: @ladysparkles78 @suckitands33 @little-x-wolf @stoneyggirl2 @creative-writing92 @jc-winchester @mrsjenniferwinchester @lessons-of-red @jamerlynn @deans-spinster-witch @kazsrm67 @deans-baby-momma @willow-sages @ritz-hell-hotel @perpetualabsurdity @mhessellund @itzabbyxx @chriszgirl92 @abbybarnesstuff @larrem88 @commonsenseishard @impalaspixie @notsogoofyjelly @hzllxhoundxx @taylortots-world @k-slla @heavenlyackles @spnfamily-j2 @buckybarnes-1917 @foxyjwls007 @spnbaby-67 @readingsins @lauraashley93 @antisocialcorrupt @anixiiee @jackles010378 @alternativeprincess @rosecentury @lelilw1 @cevansbaby-dove @cutedisneygrl @djs8891 @bakugouswh0r3 (thank you to everyone who's been here since the beginning, thank you for always hyping me up and for loving this story! If you want to be added please let me know! It's only going to be a few more parts, so get in while you can!)

I hid a quote in here from one of my favorite tv shows, besides supernatural of course... see if you can catch it! If you can, let's be best friends!

gun violence and mental illness talk at the end of this chapter, please read with caution if it is triggering to you in any way.... if you are struggling with mental health, please reach out! I love you and I'm happy you're here!

"is this really necessary?" I asked Jensen, my eyes befalling the large man in a suit standing next to him.

"yes, until they catch Riley, I'm not risking your safety... besides Mark's a professional, he knows how to be discreet, you won't even know he's around." Jensen said kissing my cheek.

I highly doubt that.

A big burley security man following my every movement.... yeah they'll never see him coming.

I sighed deeply, knowing I'd never be able to talk Jensen out of it.

I stood on my tippy toes connecting his lips with mine. It was a short brief kiss, but it was all I needed to get my heart racing.

"I should go, don't want to be late for my first day as Chief Editor." I said leaning in to Jensen's warm embrace.

"I'll pick you up after work, we have some things to discuss."

"things to discuss, what sort of things?"

"you never answered my question." Jensen smirks knowingly before departing.

It's been a hectic few days, my mind has been on overload. I'm lucky I even remembered to put pants on today. Of course I haven't been able to think about Jensen's proposition of moving in with him yet. I definitely needed to talk to Stella first.

"Mark." I said nodding my head at the tall man.

Mark starts to follow me in to the building quietly.

"who's the big dude?" Stella says as soon as we get inside.

I let out a sigh, so much for being discreet.

I roll my eyes as my coworkers glance at Mark, who's right on my tail.

"Mark.." I answer shrugging my shoulders.

I walked past everyone, going to my new office. I was surprised to see it was completely different than the last time I had been in here.

"I uh redecorated, I thought it would help ya know, so you didn't think about it." Stella said from the doorway.

I looked around the spacious office, every trace of Gray had been erased.

"I love you Stell." I said, a tear in my eye.

I engulfed my best friend in a hug. We stood in each other’s embrace, smiling.

"Sooo do I have to call you Ms. (L/N) now?"

"Oh god please don’t!" I laughed.

I took a deep breath, a comfortable silence fell between us.

"this is crazy right, I mean your life has done a complete three sixty."

I let Stella's words sink in, she was completely right. A few months ago if you'd told me this would be my life, I would've laughed in your face.

"it totally has... sometimes I don't even know how to keep up." I admitted glancing at Mark who stood outside my office like a soldier.

"okay what's up with Mark?" Stella giggled looking at the large man.

"I'm afraid Jensen insists, just until they catch Riley."

"ah yes, the crazy."

"Stella, she's not crazy, she's mentally ill."

I could see Stella noticeably roll her eyes.

"why are you defending her, she literally wants to hurt you (y/n/n)!"

I chewed on my bottom lip nervously as her words sunk in.

I didn't know what Riley's intentions were, but from the damage done to my car, I gathered that we wouldn't be talking over a cup of coffee anytime soon.

"I’m sorry, I know things have been crazy for you, and I just want you to know that I'm here, to listen, to talk, to eat our feelings away with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream... whatever you need." Stella said giving me a warm smile.

"Jensen asked me to move in with him." I blurted out, the thought weighing heavily on my mind.

"oh my gosh, that's great!" Stella squealed.

"it is?" I question, surprised by her reaction.

"it is if that's what you want?" Stella questions.

I look at the pretty brunette sitting in front of me. I didn't know what I did to deserve her friendship some days.

"I really love him Stella." I whispered.

"then you should do it."

"but I'll miss you.."

"please, you can't get rid of me that easily.."

I engulfed my friend in another hug, squeezing her tightly.

"am I interrupting something?"

I let go of Stella to see David, the owner of the magazine standing in the doorway.

"no, I’m sorry sir." I said smiling.

"just wanted to see how you were settling in, and ask if you made any progress on finding me some new voices?"

I smiled widely at Stella.

"yes sir, in fact this is one right here! Stella is the best journalist we have." I said pushing Stella forward.

Stella nervously smiled at him.

"Stella is it, well why don't we go have a talk then?" David said reaching out a hand for her to shake.

I beamed with pride as I watched them leave the office to settle in the conference room.

I could never repay Stella for how much she does for me, but this was a start.

I heard the office phone start to ring, snapping me out of my daze.

"Ms. (L/N)" I answered.

I heard Jensen chuckle on the other end.

"Ms. (L/N), sounds incredibly sexy when you say it." Jensen purred.

"oh please, I thought I was going to come undone, the first day you said my name." I shot back.

"I was just calling to see how your first day as chief editor is going?"

I felt the smile grace my face.

"good actually, it's kind of making me nervous.." I said picking my nails.

"why is it making you nervous?"

"have you ever heard the term regression to the mean?"

"no.." Jensen said sounding confused.

“It means that life can’t ever be all bad or all good. You know, eventually, things have to come back to the middle.”

"I'm not understanding baby."

"I mean that everything's been okay lately, you know, we're okay, the jobs okay, Stella and I are okay.. the middle."

"so you mean things are about to get really good.." Jensen started

"or really bad." I finished cutting him off.

"sweetheart I think this whole Riley thing has you worked up, everything will be fine, okay, nothing is going to happen." Jensen reassured.

He was probably right. I mean this whole Riley situation did have me pretty worked up.

I just felt it was something more though, like there was something looming over us and I just couldn't figure out what it was.

It could've been my conversation with Elle too. I couldn't get her words out of my head... I just want to know who my competition is.

What did that even mean?

Was she going to try to steal Jensen away from me?

I guess it would be steal Jensen back, considering she had him first.

I didn't realize how quiet I was until I heard Jensen's smooth voice through the speaker.

"baby talk to me, what's going through your mind?"

"I think you're right, I'm just a little overwhelmed, I guess Mark wasn't such a bad thing." I said staring at the man who hasn't moved from the entrance of my office.

"see I told you..." Jensen said in a teasing tone.

"I don't have to take him everywhere do I? He's not coming home with me!"

I heard Jensen's hearty laugh boom through the speaker.

"he's definitely NOT going home with you.. he's just for when I can't be with you to protect you."

"my hero.." I swooned.

Jensen laughed again.

"I miss you already." I whispered.

"oh god I sound so needy." I added quickly.

"I miss you too.."

"so I uh talked to Stella about your proposition." I said biting my thumb nail.

"oh yeah? and how did that go?"

"good.." I answered being vague in my answer purposely.

"and do you have an answer for me?"

"yeah..." I whispered not being able to fight the smile on my face.

"well get on with it then, c'mon woman you're killing me here." Jensen whined.

"I mean, I'll have to get some things from the apartment." I said.

"so that's a yes?"

"yes Jensen, I'll move in with you."

****************************************************

"Are you going home? I'm going to grab some things and stay at Jensen's tonight." I told Stella as we gathered our things, the end of our day approaching.

"No, Matt's taking me out to dinner to celebrate my new promotion, thanks for that by the way! I can't believe I'm the new lead journalist!" Stella squealed making me smile.

"I didn't do anything, that was all you."

"Still, I couldn't have gotten it without you putting in a word to David for me."

"It's the least I could do, you do so much for me."

Stella wrapped her arms around me squeezing me tightly for the third time this day.

I've been so caught up in all things Jensen that I realized I really missed my friend, and I was so lucky to have her in my corner.

"woah, that's my woman."

Stella let go, throwing a look to Jensen who now stood in the doorway to my office. I didn’t see Mark anymore, Jensen must have dismissed him.

"nice office..." Jensen admired.

"I redecorated, thank you very much." Stella piped up.

"so when I need any redecorating done, I'll know who to call." Jensen smirked.

Stella glanced at her phone quickly before meeting my eyes again.

"I think Matt's here, I'll see you soon.." Stella said squeezing my hand before going over to Jensen.

"Jensen, take care of her... if you don't I'll chop your dick off." Stella threatened.

"Stella!" I exclaimed mortified.

Jensen just laughed in response.

"You have my word Stella, I mean I would kind of like to keep my dick." Jensen said making me roll my eyes at the pair.

"see you tomorrow." Stella said with a final wave.

Jensen smiled at her shaking his head. He came over to me wrapping me in a hug.

“she’s something..” Jensen laughed.

“you have no idea… are you ready to go home?” I asked cocking my eyebrow.

“as long as I’m with you I am home.” Jensen said.

I rolled my eyes at his line.

“that was incredibly cheesy.” I laughed.

“I thought it was romantic… even a little bit?” Jensen pouted.

“okay just a little bit.”

Jensen smiled, leaning down to pull me in for a kiss. I took a shaky breath as he connected our lips. I felt electricity pulsating through my skin as his lips moved on mine.

“I love you.” He said as he pulled away.

“I love you more.” I whispered.

Jensen gave me another quick peck.

“Impossible.”

Jensen grabbed my bag with one hand, grasping mine with other, as he led us out of the office. Cole stood by the car waiting with an open door.

“Ms. (L/N).” Cole nodded as I slid in.

“You really need to give him a break..” I said laughing at Jensen.

“Cole doesn’t need a break, do ya Cole?”

“no Mr. Ackles.”

“Cole you can be honest I know this one’s a lot to deal with.” I said smacking Jensen’s chest playfully.

“between you and me ma’am.” Cole started giving Jensen a smirk.

I laughed at Jensen’s flustered expression.

Cole pulled up to our apartment, quickly getting out so he could open my door. Jensen shuffled out after me. As soon as we stepped out of the car, his phone started ringing. He pulled it out checking the caller ID.

“It’s Jared.”

“you can take it.. I’m just going to grab some toiletries and a couple outfits, I’ll be right back.” I said kissing his cheek.

Jensen offered me a grateful smile as he answered his phone.

I unlocked the door, before grabbing our mail and going inside. I would have to remember to reroute my mail to the new address. I threw the mail on the counter, wanting to pack my things before I went through it.

I grabbed my overnight bag throwing articles of clothing in it before going to our bathroom. I made sure to grab my toothbrush, hairbrush and the other essentials. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror breathing a deep sigh.

I was really doing this.

I threw the rest of my stuff in my bag, zipping it up and walking back in to the kitchen. I set my bag down grabbing the mail to sift through it.

I turned around, feeling my blood run cold.

It was her.

Riley.

I gasped at the sight of her dropping the mail.

I didn’t know how she got in, the door was still locked.

I could see from the look on her face that she was distressed. I was afraid, but I wouldn’t let her see. I needed to remain calm.

“Riley… uh Jensen’s right outside, we could go see him.” I hesitantly said, holding my hands out so she could see I meant her no harm.

I shuddered as she pulled a gun from her pocket.

“I came to see you.”

I shivered, her voice was haunting, like she was in grave pain. I didn’t take my eyes off the gun she held to her side.

“okay..” I breathed.

“Jensen told me what happened Riley, I know you’re in a lot of pain, and I’m so sorry.. Jensen talks about you still, he cares about you.” I said trying to diffuse the situation.

I flinched as a warning shot rang out. I could feel the breath getting caught in my chest as I feared for my life.

“DON’T LIE!” Riley yelled, bringing the gun up so it was now pointed directly at me.

“just tell me what you have that I don’t.” she cried.

“nothing Riley, I’m nothing.” I pleaded.

“but he kisses you, and sleeps in your bed.” Riley said.

I felt the color drain from my face.

“how do you know that?”

“I saw you, I watched you… I know you love him but I do too.” Riley said eerily calm.

I thought back to the night when Jensen slept over. I thought I had seen someone but chalked it up to my imagination playing tricks on me… but now I know it was her watching us.

“Riley why don’t you put the gun down.” I begged trying to maintain my composure.

“you don’t even know him, what he likes, you don’t give him what he wants, he’s just pretending with you and he’ll get tired of pretending!” Riley growled.

Suddenly Jensen burst in the door followed by Cole.

Riley didn’t move the gun from me.

I could see the fear in Jensen’s eyes as he glanced at me.

“Riley..”

Jensen pointed at himself, asking Riley to turn the gun on him. Riley glanced between me and Jensen before turning the gun his way.

“Jensen don’t.” I cried, letting a few tears slip out.

Jensen held his hand out quieting me.

“I know you don’t want to hurt me Riley.” Jensen said, taking a step closer to her.

Riley breathed a heavy sigh as Jensen reached out wrapping his hand around the barrel of the gun. He yanked it out of her hands, switching the safety on, and putting it in his pocket.

“come here.” Jensen said reaching his arms out.

Riley collapsed in his arms crying. Jensen held her stroking her hair.

“Cole get (y/n) out of here, take her back home.” Jensen said.

Cole took a step towards me, but I took a step back.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I said not wanting to leave Jensen alone.

“(y/n) for once just do what I ask!” Jensen snapped.

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as I grabbed Cole’s hand allowing him to lead me outside to the car. He opened the door gesturing for me to get in.

I dropped his hand stepping away from the car. I gave Cole a look, and started to walk down the street.

“Ms. (L/N) please.”

“stop it Cole.” I growled walking away.

I didn’t know where I was going, I just had to get away. I felt the tears staining my cheeks as I walked.

It was too much.

It was all too much.

for once just do what I ask..

he’s just pretending with you, and he’ll get tired of pretending..

I covered my ears trying to drown out the loud voices that were screaming at me.

I collapsed on the sidewalk, bringing my knees to my chest and sobbing.

this is what I meant.

regression to the mean..

Author Note:

I’m sorry for breaking your hearts again! Part fifteen will reveal a lot, so make sure you stick around to find out! If you liked this part please indicate so with a heart, comment, reblog, or a follow! It really is motivating! I appreciate you all!

xoxoxo

Liv

#jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles imagine #jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles x female!reader #jensen x reader #jensen ackles fanfiction #dean winchester #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester x reader #jensen ackles preference #jensen ackles series #jensen ackles smut #supernatural #supernatural smut #jensen x you #spn #dean winchester x you #jensen ackles fic

[angelisgonnastartchangingurls]

richard, on a monday

richard was becoming annie's favorite patient. he didn't like that word though. "client," he said. "i consider this an investment, you know? it's all part of the mindset."

richard was wealthy, a self-made businessman, CEO of a decent-sized local software firm. annie had heard of him before because he was often popping up in mental health circles -- he was a strong advocate for it. annie had read a few of his linkedin posts before he'd sought her out.

richard's backstory was that his wife had died of breast cancer pretty young, and he'd gone to therapy and became a convert. the dead wife stuff was long past him now, but he made a point to continue his therapy, and, he told annie, keep it visible on his calendar, visible to all employees, to encourage them to seek therapy as well.

when he'd come to her, annie had briefly assumed richard just saw lots of younger female therapists, but in fact, his longtime therapist, a man, had retired. annie couldn't find any red flags.

and she really loved talking to him. he was a good talker, very self-analytical and sometimes even too self-critical. but also funny, and observant, and curious. she learned a lot from his observations. it made sense to annie that he was successful in business. after their first session, he'd added her on linkedin, which annie was charmed by. she looked at some recent photos he'd posted from paris with a beautiful woman about her age, maybe a little younger, who seemed to be his daughter.

she learned in his second session that it was in fact his daughter, who was an artist and who lived in paris in a flat he paid for.

"that must be amazing for her," she said.

"and me," he said. "it's a wonderful thing to be able to do that for your daughter."

"what is her medium?"

"mostly photography," he said. "i'll bring you in some of her work."

he did just that next week, bringing in a folder of black and white film photographs in a file folder. annie looked them over. they seemed nice to her eyes -- maybe a little basic. landscapes, architecture, portraits. there was one she liked best -- a nude self portrait. she was quite pleased that richard would have such a thing, that his daughter would show it to him, and that he'd choose to show it to her. in the photo, she's holding the camera at stomach level, photographing herself in a dusty, full-length mirror in what looks like an old-school dressing room. she has a cigarette in one hand, her hair is messy, and she has a nice, thick, dark bush.

"your daughter looks very authentically french," annie observed.

"it's true," richard said. "she speaks french more than english, it's even drifting into her speech in english when she calls me. it's the place for her."

"she's very beautiful," annie said. "i mean, the work is beautiful too, but she's stunning."

"you remind me a bit of her, honestly." richard said. annie hadn't clocked much of a resemblance, really. they were both slim, tall, dark-haired women, but very different faces. "in personality, I mean," he said. "warm but professional -- clearly experts in your field. you have a more academic way of talking, of course."

"i do?" annie said, surprised.

" yes," he said. "well-read, erudite. i promise i haven't been analyzing you, it's just something i notice."

"you can analyze me," annie said, just a little flirty.

the picture of his daughter naked was on top of the folder on the table between them.

"it speaks well of you that she'd show you a photo like this," annie said.

"well, she's very french in that she's very open about her body," he said. "that's kind of new, just the last year and a half or so. i remember going over there to see her like three months in and you know, she was making dinner for us in vintage silk panties and a sweater, and just being sort of overwhelmed, you know, my daughter is now an adult, and also she suddenly reminds me of her mother."

"her body reminds you of her?"

"well, yeah," he said. he gestured at the photo. "i mean, same breasts. same hips."

"how did that make you feel, seeing it?"

"well, i guess it was kind of beautiful, you know, her mother's legacy."

"did you tell your daughter that?"

"yes."

"what was her reaction?"

he laughed. "she took her clothes off."

"really?" annie said. "like right then and there?"

"she was only in the lace panties and the sweater, and they were both thin enough that -- i mean, i could see the bush already, you know? but she took them off."

"what were her intentions there?"

"i'm not sure exactly," he said. "i think it was sort of... i think she was really grateful for the life i had given her, and sad that her mother was gone, and sort of wildly embracing stepping into that role."

"what did she do exactly to step into that role?" annie said.

he laughed. "nothing happened," he said. "but she climbed into my lap and straddled me and hugged me.

"that's sweet," annie said. "and a little fraught."

"absolutely," he said. "it was definitely vaguely sexual."

"daughters who have fathers they admire..." annie mused. "yeah i mean, there's no escaping it. it can be sexual."

"do you admire your father?"

"very much so," annie said. and then laughed.

"so you speak from experience?"

"experience of those feelings? absolutely."

"not the experience of getting naked for your father."

"well, my father sees me naked," annie said. she could feel her skin heating up from talking about her own naked body in front of richard. "but if he told me I reminded him of my mom I think maybe I'd be a little offended."

"you don't have a great relationship with her."

"not at all," she said.

"why do you think that is?"

"honestly? when i developed and became a woman, she kind of froze me out. i'm very open and communicative with my father and brother and almost never speak to my mom."

"that's too bad," he said. "for her, i mean. it's on her to make that effort."

"you and your daughter talk often?"

"we email on the days we can't facetime."

"dads love facetime," annie said.

"we like seeing your faces," he said.

for some reason, annie told him the story about her dad and the ipad. they were over their time for the day but she liked talking to him.

"that's cute," he said. "honestly my daughter has answered my calls naked more times than i can count."

"i like that," annie said. "i like that trust and honesty. even if for her there's a slight freudian slant."

he chuckled. "yeah, i like it too."

"has she ever seen you?" annie asked.

"you know, when in france," he said. "she has a pretty open flat, the shower is not in the bathroom, there's really not much of an enclosure for it, just glass."

"VERY european," annie said. she told him the story about alice and her father on the nude beach -- not referring to alice as a patient, just a friend. she embraced this minor ethical lapse as central to her style.

"funny, you know, i was just wondering like, am i the only dad in the world with pictures of his adult daughter naked on his phone?"

annie laughed. "you're not! and do you mean her photography or other stuff?"

"she also sends me selfies," he said. "you know just casual photos of herself around the flat. she's often not wearing much, or just nothing."

"that's unusual," annie said. "but not bad, i don't think. kind of nice. very intimate."

"i like the intimacy of it, too," he said. "and you're like that with your father?"

"totally," annie said. "i feel very safe and open with him, i tell him absolutely everything."

"i feel like my daughter is pretty honest. i think she tells me everything."

"does she tell you about doing drugs?"

"yes."

"and about people she's sleeping with? i don't necessarily mean sexual details but is she not obfuscating the fact that she's fucking them?"

he laughed. "yeah, she tells me."

"then she's telling you everything."

"that's nice to know. it's kind of like having a little spy camera inside my daughter's brain, talking to a woman like you."

"if my dad wanted a camera in my brain i wouldn't object to it," she said.

annie thought about that when she got home, lightly reconsidering. she was very horny and very stoned and was rather enjoying the way robbie's eyes followed her as she walked around the apartment in nothing but a thin pair of white panties. at one point, she followed him into the bathroom and playfully held his cock again while he pissed.

"you're very frisky tonight," he observed.

"i had a good session with Mr. CEO today," annie said. "i have a big crush on him."

"you want to go jerk off about it?" robbie asked. "i could cum."

they went to the bedroom, and annie put porn on the TV. she slipped off her panties and hopped onto the bed and watched robbie pull off his jeans. his cock popped out, already hard. he laid down and started stroking himself, looking over at annie, rubbing her clit. neither one of them was looking at the TV. "you're so hard," annie cooed at one point. he just chuckled and kept stroking. with her free hand, annie toyed with her right nipple. she gathered spit from her mouth and rubbed it across her nipple. "you have such great fucking tits," robbie said.

"you wanna cum on them?" annie invited.

"seriously?" he said.

"i'm so horny don't make me ask for things twice," annie said.

robbie moved to his knees, his cock inches from annie's face.

"god it's so big," annie said. he shot his cum on her. she felt it hit with a warm splatter and immediately started to cum. "oh my GOD" she said. he unloaded several ropes. when he was done, annie looked at the drop of cum still at the tip of his cock, sat up, and sucked once at the head of his cock, feeling the cum on her tongue. robbie laughed. "wow," he said.

"i told you i get even hornier when i cum," annie said.

"you came too?"

"the second your cum hit my skin," she said. "i would literally do anything you asked me right now."

he laughed. "good," he said. he got up and left her on the bed. "you look good like that," he said. he got his phone from his pants and took a picture of annie on her bed with his cum all over her breasts. she smiled for him.

[ghoste-catte]

8, 15 & 24 for that ask thingy 🤔

8. Is there a story idea in your mental vault that you've never been brave enough to try writing? Is this the year? Can you tell us about it?

There are dozens. One I don't think I've talked about here but that I really want to write is this multimedia House of Leaves-inspired horror/tragedy fic based on the idea of ghosts being able to interact with the real world in highly specific ways. I made a cover page and one or two pages back in 2022 thinking I was going to do it for GaaLee HorrorFest but ended up dropping it because of the work involved. I don't know that this year is the year it sees completion, but I might hack at it a bit more as we get closer to the annual Halloween festivities.

15. Do you see any personal or professional obstacles this year that would keep you from creating fanworks?

For sure. The biggest issue (as I've bitched about plenty and won't belabor) is that my health has been ... not great. I got diagnosed with some major Stuff (TM) this past year that has seriously impacted my ability to function both on and offline, and there are a lot of questions still up in the air and symptoms that haven't been successfully treated or resolved. That's also bled into my work life, because I had to take a lot of time off and have had to (with the help of my incredibly strong, amazing wife) fight HARD for the accommodations I need, which is emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Also my job is just ... draining even on a good day. I used to be able to write in the evenings after work, but right now I can only really write on weekends and days off, which has cut down my productivity horribly.

24. By the end of this year, you want your fandom to think of you as "that author who ____"

Oh, gosh. I don't know ... I think the "greysons georg" meme is pretty funny? So I wouldn't mind (still) being known as "that inescapable author who's written 10% of the GaaLee tag". Other than that ... I don't so much want the fandom as a whole to think of me as anything, but it means a lot to me when individual people tell me that my work made them feel something. So the mass opinion isn't as important as making personal connections.

#answered #Anonymous #ask meme

[tastygoldentaters]

personal post, not a fun read, but I guess it's something my longtime mutuals might want to know. crossposted from my patreon page

When the new year started, I attempted to keep my cool and approach this page professionally again, but life had other plans.

CW: heavy themes concerning mental health and suicidal ideation, psych ward stay.

I honestly do not recall whether or not I shared here about my mental breakdown back in September and October of 2023. Someone really close to me passed, and she was my lifeline, the person I spent years of my life holding on to whenever I wanted to talk myself out of suicide. When she died, I snapped. I asked my mother to drive me to the ER, and the psychiatrist there gave me two options: to be admitted to the psych ward voluntarily, or involuntarily. Thinking back, I now know I didn't really have options, but at the time I thought it was my choice. Anyway.

After a month-long stay, I was released -- and found out I could no longer stay at home. I don't want to go into details here because these are serious issues involving my family and I still haven't forgiven or forgotten things that happened, so I don't want to risk letting the poison seep through my writing and saying things I might regret about people I love.

In the middle of all this, I was let down by close friends too, I ended up sleeping on the cold bare floor for almost a month, my house flooded, I lost over half of my belongings, and had to move to an apartment that is out of my budget at the moment, while dealing with increased responsibilities at work but no increase in pay. I also lost access to private healthcare, and the public healthcare system here is impossible to rely on when you're chronically ill and have such a fun cocktail of mental illnesses and neurodevelopmental disorders as I do.

I am currently on my third month without access to medication I need to function, my apartment is barely habitable, I'm behind at work, my finances are a disaster due to the flood and the aftermath + health issues + living somewhere out of my budget.

I hate talking about this, I feel like I'm sharing a sob story for pity points, but at the same time I can no longer keep this quiet, because the income from your Patreon subscriptions is the difference between being able to afford basic medication and having to go without, and I feel indebted to you. I haven't given up on writing, it's the one thing that keeps me (sort of) sane, but it's not something I have been able to focus on these past few months, and I truly hope you understand just how much I appreciate your continued support. I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. All I can promise is that I'm not giving up.

#personal post #mad taters #cw institutionalization #cw suicide

[dissociativediscourse]

Hi! So I need some advice. I've been to a few mental health professionals, and told them about my system, told them about my switches and buying stuff I don't like for specific alters. And none of them believe that I have DID/Osdd. Some don't know what alters mean.

The only explanation I've ever gotten was, "It's really rare." They haven't tested me. I filled out a online test and gave it to them but they didn't talk about it next session or tell me the result.

Does that mean I'm a singlet? Is this all just a delusion? If three doctors think I'm wrong then I'm wrong, right?

Hey, glad I can help!

So, there are a few things here that I think would be useful for you to know, first and foremost. Now, before all this is said, don’t let it be any kind of discouragement to you. This happens to a lot of people with and without DID.

There is not a single online test that is going to tell you whether or not you have DID with any kind of accuracy. Yes, this includes finding official diagnostic tools like the MID or the SCID-D or anything else. Even if you have the scoring guide. There is not a chance that you, in your position (or any [especially nonprofessional] undiagnosed person, for that matter) are going to find those tools helpful. Your therapist or psychiatrist will see online tests as equally unhelpful.

Paper testing is not required for a DID diagnosis. If a therapist is a specialist and knows what they’re doing, they will be able to diagnose you after a while of talking to you and getting to know you and scoping out your symptoms.

Doctors telling you that “this disorder is rare” is their way of telling you they don’t think you have it without saying that directly.

Now, all that being said, I doubt that these are dissociative specialists that you’re seeing. I haven’t known of a dissociative specialist that would agree with the statement that “DID is a rare disorder” or at the very least would say that out loud to a patient. I wholeheartedly believe that the opinions of doctors/psychs who do not specialize in trauma and dissociation/dissociative disorders should be wholly, if not mostly, disregarded. They don’t know what they’re talking about and have likely spent very little time researching it.

This kind of puts things up in the air for you. You may or may not have DID, and the likelihood doesn’t swing further in either direction from the information we’ve got here. The only way you’re going to find out for certain is if you see a psych who actually knows what they’re talking about. Anyone else is a waste of time and money, and I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to it already. The ISSTD site can help you find dissociative specialists, and so can Psychology Today. I’ll reblog this post with some resources and advice on helping you find a therapist. Being completely upfront is the way to Do do not tiptoe around any of it. Be straightforward. And remember that your priority is treatment, not diagnosis, because if a specialist believes you have DID and can help you, whether they write that down on paper or not only matters for insurance purposes.

I cant and won’t tell you whether or not you have DID, because I don’t know you and I am not yet a professional. I will tell you that going to an eye doctor for an upset stomach isn’t going to give you any answers worth your time, and that this is pretty much doing that. a find someone who’s worth your money and time for the issues that you believe you’ve got.

Good luck, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

#advice asks #dissociative identity disorder #dissociative identity disorder advice #did advice #osdd advice #other specified dissociative disorder #osddid #did osdd #actually did #therapy advice tag

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at 1230pm...

This is about my recent virtual deployment to the Hawaii fires for the Red Cross...

I've done a lot in my career with the Fire Services and in Emergency Management, but there's always new stuff to learn, new things to try, and new experiences to be had.

For the Hawaii fires, I was assigned to something I've never been a part of before, - reunification. And specifically, the virtual call center. People call the 1800 red cross number which puts them in contact with a third party intake call center not run or staffed by the red cross. That info then has to be processed, cleaned up, and turned into actionable information for both the ground team working in the shelters and at the disaster site so they can try and locate these people.

A lot of the time, an initial call back has to be performed to find out more info as well as if the person being sought has already been located/made contact so we can close the case.

And so for the first few days, that's what I did. Now if you know me, I hate being on the phone, but I realize it's important and I wanted to learn... for a little bit.

Being client facing is always an experience. Some were elderly family members and friends who as part of their own trauma, needed to just talk and tell their story and feel like someone cared and was working to help them. While the preferred way of dealing with this is to refer them to disaster mental health professionals, sometimes you just have to sit and listen as well. You don't want to be rude, you don't want to be short, you don't want to add to their trauma and pain.

So I sat, I listened, some texted me a dozen times a day.

Some were very angry, rude, and explosive. I had one scream at me that it's been 4 fucking days, why haven't we found their person yet?!?!?!?!!? What the fuck are we doing?!?!?! on and on and on. With those, you can't let them take their ire out on you but you also can't flame the issue. It's a tight rope that has to be walked.

Some calls were just... sad. A sister who hadn't spoken to her brother in over a decade, and he's homeless and she just hopes he survived. A lot of elderly friends around the globe who only speak to the missing person through facebook messages every few weeks.

Something that I always took note of were the numbers. For some reason, the numbers struck me as interesting. There were some people who had 10-15 people looking for them. Friends, Family, people they touched in some way or another. Then there were the people who had just 1 person who hadn't spoken to them in 5 years. And then there were the people who were looking for a long list of people they knew in the area.

Here's the thing though, you have to be really careful about reunification. Not everyone being sought wants to be found. So we never tell the seeker any info unless given permission by the sought. You don't know if it's a domestic abuse situation, you don't know if it's a legal thing, or if it's just a person who doesn't like another.

Thankfully, after a few days they moved me to data entry/cleanup which is so much more my speed. I liked being able to go through all of the calls, transfer them, clean them up, add notes, and just work with data and not the people themselves.

When all was said and done though, it was a good experience and seeing the FBI list today, it's disheartening to see how many names I know and how many names listed as deceased on other lists were ones I handled.

Every disaster is different...

#work

[bedoballoons]

also random question- I’ve been looking into autism and stuff cuz I think I have it and a lot of my friends do haha! I haven’t gotten diagnosed or anything mostly because I’ve gotten too nervous to bring it up or to ask my mom. I mask a lot so I don’t think a lot of people notice I might have it. Anyway, just wondering what it was like when you got diagnosed or if you have any tips on how I should bring up the concern to my parents? Also I’m not sure whether I should get diagnosed because I’m an adult so it would be harder to get some jobs with it(I think?)

Anyway if what is wrong with me isn’t autism I’m gonna be very confused on what is. Cus I know there’s something different about myself that is clearly some sort of neurodivergence but idk what. I just wanna know what lmao

someday I’ll get it figured out hopefully

anyway thanks :3

-💫

Oh goodness okay, I actually haven't been diagnosed as well due to other health issues taking precedence and because my family personally wouldn't take it well, however I have been through the steps of getting the diagnosis so I hope this helps!!

Before you talk to your mother or anyone about it, I would say talk to your doctor. See if it's a possibility and hear their opinion, then if they say that it could be possibility and you should get tested, that's when you'd talk to your family. (This way you will have a professional opinion and not just what your saying)

Tell her that you've talked to the doctor and you both think it could be something to take note of. After that you will most likely see a specialist and even if it turns out you don't have autism, your doctor or the specialist should be able to help determine what mental health disorder(s) you do have.

As for jobs I don't personally know if it's the same everywhere, but where I live as long as you're higher functioning autism you can find jobs just as easily as if you weren't. Of course that's truly up to the places you apply at and how high functioning you are, but it should still be fairly easy!

And last but not least, there's nothing wrong with you! Having autism or other health disorders doesn't make you wrong in anyway! You're simply unique and that's a wonderful thing to be!

I have no idea if this helps but I hope it does!!

#cuteballoons<3

[red-riding-wood]

Back from Hiatus

Trigger warning? I think? Brief mentions of medical stuff, nothing graphic. Oh, and death (but none occurred).

TLDR if you don't want to read seven paragraphs: Physical health bad, mental health bad, now hospitalised, fucked up when transferring my story files, hospital bad, home soon?, regardless you will be seeing me back in your feed probably more than you'd like

Rambling below cut

So, about a month ago I had to take a step back from Tumblr... and then an even bigger step back from Tumblr, because I had taken a step back from writing and I found that I just pressured myself too much to write and post when I did use the app. (I did my best to save your guys' stories in my drafts to read later but... I may have missed some and I definitely have some catching up to do.)

Why did I take a hiatus from writing? Well, that was due to my physical health declining in a real bad way. I won't get into it too much here, because I would end up telling a dramatic yet probably honestly boring story of the last four years of my life, but I'm willing to answer any questions if anyone's curious.

Anyway, that sent my head into a state of just utter... fear, I suppose. It's very difficult to care or focus on anything else when death is literally on your mind, and I was also in this weird state of limbo because I wasn't sure if I would be going to hospital or dying or what... so I didn't write, or really do anything except try to take care of myself the best I could. And I pretty much just isolated.

I've been in hospital a couple days now. The fear of death has lessened, and I think I'm gonna be okay, though I'm straight up not having a good time. I had this idea that what would get me through it was writing, so I sent myself all of my docs for my WIPs. Thing is, I keep shortcuts to them on my desktop, and apparently they don't save changes to the root file?? A lesson I learned after I showed up and found that massive chunks of my writing, notes, and storyboards were missing. Yeah, I fucked up.

But now there is talk of outpatient care as soon as this Friday which means I can maybe go home with my TPN (feeding through a vein tube which is the best way I can describe it since I am not a medical professional; it's basically a hardcore IV and I assure you it's badass and exactly like Cyberpunk 2077 -- that was sarcasm but seriously, props to anyone who lives with these because these are terrifying). If that's the case, I'll be able to carry on with White Ribbon and the fics I had started for Darjeeling and Budapest, and it will probably be a lot easier for me to write in general. I haven't tried writing yet, but hospital is a really uncomfortable environment for me (I mean, I'm sure it is for most people but I have a lovely lifetime dose of trauma on top of the usual) and I'm not managing as well as I thought I would so I have my doubts on how well I will be able to focus. (Don't worry about requests, guys... I haven't forgotten about any of them and I still fully intend to fulfill them, even if it means writing your smutty fantasies in hospital.)

If that's not the case, and I'm stuck here until surgery, well, I am willing it into the damn universe that I'm gonna write again regardless. So if you don't see me post something in the next week you have my blessing to send copious amounts of hate mail.

Thank you for reading my long-winded explanation. Oh, and, don't hesitate to message/reach out or tag me in anything! I'm feeling more social again now that I'm not, you know, dying and stuff.

#updates #i think i should be diagnosed with a rambling disorder this was meant to be like two paragraphs

[redrockbutch]

The Group Therapy Debacle:

This was not my first group therapy rodeo. If you look back on my tumblr archive, you'll notice the singular 6mo absence where I was in residential treatment for Troubled Youths. On the scale of Troubled Youth Industry, I would say it was pretty low. It still wasn't great and there's a lot of stuff I'm still unpacking from that, but we slept indoors and they fed us 3x a day, so. Could've been way worse there.

It continually blows my mind that this group therapy experience, The Group Therapy Experience, was less helpful to my mental health than the one that happened when I was living with teens who had been kidnapped in the night and didn't want to be there.

My living situation at the time was really, really bad. I didn't have any relief from my mental or physical symptoms, or my [redacted]. I was begging anyone I talked to for tools to help process and guide what I was going through. With that in mind, my therapist at the time (also bad) managed to get me a spot in a Group Therapy Telehealth To Learn Skills. It was a specific program but I'm not gonna name it (iykyk) because I'm fairly sure my experience was unusually bad. I know there are much worse things to have happened to people, but when I was literally begging every single mental health professional I talked to to please point me in the right direction because I was terrified I was going to hurt myself, it was genuinely and truly infuriating. So much for "asking for help" and all of that!! I might be alive out of spite about this bullshit tbqh.

When I called to be admitted to the program, I asked the person on the phone for confirmation: this is just like a normal class, right? I won't be expected to interact with anyone else there. I've been in group therapy like that (Troubled Teen Therapy) and I didn't want my therapy to be held up by someone who didn't want to be there, particularly when I was paying a lot of money for it. They confirmed that in no way would I be required to interact with anyone else there. This was a complete and total lie :) Most of the therapy was either interacting with strangers or dissociating while they went over the homework with the group leaders. Everyone hated this. It was so fucking uncomfortable and useless, and I doubt I was the only one who avoided talking about my real problems in front of 7 random strangers who didn't want to hear about them.

Everyone in the program talked a big game about how if someone isn't learning something, the program is the issue and not the patient. When I expressed this to my individual therapist, she gave me the silent treatment until I apologized, and then told me to try being less negative about wasting 3 hours of my life per week and a lot of money on something that was not helping me

If someone didn't do the homework, nobody cared, but in the weirdest and most specific way. The homework was required for understanding what they were teaching, but "understanding what they were teaching and applying it to life" seemed to be pretty low on the priorities, since we never got through lessons at all. Nobody made sure you understood what was going on or asked if there was anything that would make the homework easier. They just publicly shamed you and demanded to know which of Your Issues made the homework impossible and how you're going to make sure that never ever happens again, bc this is your healing on the line!!! They did not seem to be aware of the fact that I cannot use the coping skills I've learned to help make sure I finish the homework when they haven't fully taught any coping skills :)

The group leaders had clear and obvious favorites. They would spend much more time with them talking about anything, and scold the rest of us if we ever piped up. One time I typed a joke in chat to be less disruptive (after several Favorites had been joking aloud and holding up the lesson) and was immediately told to pay attention and stop being disrespectful

I was mocked for not being able to drive as a disabled person. Most of the group laughed. Group leaders did nothing.

Same person frequently made connections between intelligence and straight As and was never corrected. It's honestly very sad to me, because there were times this person was clearly and obviously crying out for help and to view themselves as more than a Strong Academic; their grades had suffered in the wake of a traumatic incident and they now felt worthless. The group leaders encouraged them to stick to their standards of only viewing good students as humans worthy of love bc that was Their Viewpoint uwu

Several people passed through the program and finished it, and during their goodbyes all of them said they felt like they didn't know enough and weren't ready to leave bc they didn't really understand the skills. The group leaders went, "awww!" as though this was cute, and not someone saying to their faces that they were terrible at their job

Every example they had to teach the skills was the most namby pamby little oopsie. "Ohhh I wanted to go to work but there was an icky spider in my car! I don't have a phobia but I think they're kinda gross teehee. What could I have done in this impossible situation???" was literally one of the example situations used. I could never see how their examples of how to apply the skills could possibly apply to my life where I was battling PTSD, chronic pain, and [redacted]. They seemed shocked to hear that their teaching methods didn't really scale to severe traumas

When I wanted to get in touch w the group leaders to talk privately about some of my concerns as opposed to in the middle of group with people who had been ableist directly to my fucking face, I was treated like I was stalking them and this was dangerous and scary. When I was given their emails, it was stressed like 8 times that THEY DON'T USUALLY DO THIS!!! Weird that you don't usually allow people to discuss issues privately !

When I was able to find someone who did skills training individually as opposed to in a group (which was actually helpful and I loved her), I informed The Group of this and they told me they were going to keep charging the card on file even if I didn't show up. They called this a compromise.

When I finally fucking left forever I told them that I felt I had been taken advantage of financially, that them refusing to stop charging my card had made my life genuinely dangerous, and their services were far, far from financially accessible. In response, one of the group leaders told me I'd be welcome to rejoin the program if I wanted

And to cap it all off, I was told several times that this specific program/form of therapy was "the only hope I had"

I have since learned that this type of therapy is useless/possibly extra harmful when you are actively experiencing trauma, and yet none of the mental health professionals involved saw a problem w the stuff I described in my life. I truly feel like they scammed me, and given that I had no source of income at the time and was getting kicked out of my housing, personally I find that Genuinely Evil :)

#suicide mentioned once #cassidy.txt #i know psychiatric care can be much much worse than this and ive had worse instances #i have never before this had a continually useless form of therapy. that i was paying for. and got literally nothing out of. #generally if something isnt perfect i can still get something out of it. i got nothjng out of this experience. #they got a whole lot of my money though!! #which is why i think of this as scamming rather than like. malpractice or anything like that #there wasnt enough 'practice' going on for it to be bad lmao

[monotonous-minutia]

I actually think I'm going to lose my mind.

I don't usually post stuff like this but I feel like I'm going to explode. And I can't really talk about it to anyone for a variety of reasons but my god I'm going to lose it.

The person I live with is going through some shit. And I feel for her,I really do; she's got some significant struggles. But quite a bit of it is self sabotage and it's hard for me to watch and especially hard to empathize when she has multiple people, including medical professionals, telling her what to do, but she chooses not to do it and then complains about the aftermath. And then expects me to nod along to her rants when inside I'm just screaming that if she just did what her doctor tells her to do, she wouldn't be in this situation.

On top of it when she gets into these funks she needs to be around people or she gets dangerously depressed. Often she has friends and family to turn to but sometimes she doesn't and then expects me to fill the void. A lot of the time I don't mind because she's fun to hang out with and we share a lot of the same interests. But I work with people all day and sometimes I just want to be by myself, especially because I recently suffered a huge personal loss and I'm still trying to process it. I don't want her to be alone and depressed but she doesn't seem to get that I need my own time. We used to have overlapping work schedules where I'd get home a few hours before her and get some alone time to recharge before she got back. But now she's not working so every minute I'm home, she's there and wanting me to hang out with her.

On top of everything she doesn't clean up after herself. We've talked about it a few times and she keeps saying she'll get to it but she doesn't. The living room is such a mess I don't want to be in there and the kitchen is so nasty I can't make food. She won't do her share of the housework either so parts of the house are just constantly dirty. Sometimes it gets to a point where I can't stand it anymore and I just clean up all her messes because I don't want mold and bugs getting in the house. But I'm sick of her just lying around all weekend while I clean the whole house.

It's gotten to the point where as stressful and annoying as work is at the moment, which is its whole own thing, I don't want to be home. I hate weekends because it's just me cleaning and her sleeping on the couch with the TV on. And when she is awake she wants me around and listening to her talk. Sometimes it's fun to be with her,it really is, but no matter how many hints I drop she just doesn't get that I want to be alone unless I just go in my room and close the door.

And i know a big part of it is her wanting me to be over what happened to me. Everyone in my life does. It doesn't help that I can't talk about it so people seem to think I'm done processing but I'm not. I need to be alone sometimes, or with someone but not talking. I can't just get over what happened and I honestly don't think I ever will. But I don't know anyone who's experienced the same thing so I don't have anyone to talk to about it, not even my therapist because it's not her specialty, and none of the other mental health resources in the area address it.

I really don't have any family to support me except my little brother and I'd never burden him with this. Fact is I do want him to know, he deserves to, but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him. The only person I know who's been through the same thing is one of my co workers but I learned that through someone else and we don't know each other super well and it's not like I can just go up to her and be like "hey I heard we both went through this super personal thing wanna talk about it."

I literally feel like I have a hole in me that's never ever going to heal and literally no one in my life fucking gets that. They just want me to be better and attend to their needs. Some days I feel like I can't even go to work, but the alternative is staying home with my roommate. I don't have anywhere to go. No friends close enough to visit without notice and gas is too expensive for me to just go on a long drive like I used to love to do. I could go for a walk but there's only so many times I can do that before I just get lost in my head and that's not good either. I can't even really enjoy the media I love because I'm still so shell shocked I can't focus enough.

I just want to go back in time before any of this ever happened. Normally I'd want to fast forward until it's all better. But not this time. Because I'll never be whole again. People think I'm exaggerating but I am not. People want me to be better, it's been two weeks. And maybe I'll be okay and healthy again some day but it's a long fucking road and even if I do get there I'll never be the same.

Anyway sorry for spilling all this with no warning I just. I'm going to lose my mind.

#personal #probably deleting later

[deeznussy]

SAD SAD RANT/VENT POST </3 (abt one piece obvsly BWNSNEND)

I've realised something fundamentally depressing yet honestly kind of sweet???

basically right,, ya'll know how one piece is coming to its final saga so it'll like end soon (like in 5 years or more but still man), I just came to the realisation that awaiting for new chapters and episodes have become such an essential part of my life that I genuinely don't know what I'll do after one piece ends

CALL ME DRAMATIC BUT THIS IS A GENUINE CRISIS IM HAVING GUYS

I was introduced to it by a friend and I'd binged 1000 episodes in like 3 months to catch up to em and now I wait for new eps every week. This has been a part of my schedule since 25/09/21 (yes i jotted down the date I started one piece call me a dork) so now I feel so genuinely lost that I might not have this cycle anymore in a few years ;-; BUT it's also kinda funky to my short attention-span ass that a single anime about dumb pirates worked it's way so deep into my life in barely a year of viewing

NOW COMES THE SAD SAD SHIT

TW: casual talk abt unaliving and my shitty mental health

(I'm okay btw, I'm slowly but surely working on it :> the mental health system is really fucked so I haven't received any proper professional help but I'm holding onto hope that I'll find a good therapist one day!)

I'm gonna be totally transparent with you guys when I say that since the scene where Luffy puts his hat on Nami, one piece has been the sole motivation of me literally keeping living for a good few months now, sounds pathetic but it's true :,)))

for context: i have had recurring lapses of terrible depressive episodes for a good 7 years now and the only way I've ever been able to stop myself from totally offing myself is to literally stuff myself into my bedding with so many blankets that I cannot move, and even that doesn't work the majority of times and i end up with reminders of these episodes. it's in these times where i genuinely can't find reasons to keep living and it's tiring as it takes up the majority of my days. heck, the only reason I'm still alive now is literally because I don't have the energy to take my own life and it's just too much effort.

that's where one piece comes in

when I started I just thought I'd drop it really fast because I can barely keep up on anime with barely a tenth of one piece's current episode count

but no

one piece somehow stuck with me and became such a fucking stable backing in my life to the point I literally thought of it during one of my bad days once and just burst out crying

i was about to commit sewerslide that day.

i didn't though.

all because I remembered a fucking rubber man wearing a strawhat and that one piece is ongoing so if i died right there and then I'll never see Luffy become the pirate king.

i remembered how he'd counted all the things he still had on his fingers and I'd tried: I shut up my brain for a good minute or so just so I could count the things I hold dear

"my friends, my cats, my sister"

(no matter what my delusional brain said about them not missing me i had to push through, i had two cats to feed and a sister to hug after all.)

only three things I'd counted but that was enough for me to keep living for another month and counting

that's when I realised that i had wanted to be a part of this adventure so badly that my entire life was basically cradled amidst the thought of the series ending, i cried so much that night that I had a raging migraine the next day but I still remember the smile I had on the entire night because I'd finally found something that really kept me going and I knew without a doubt would be there for me at all times

yes, I have friends and I promise you that they are some of the best people I've ever met! but with a brain overworking itself at all times, even the best people cannot drag me out of my own self-loathing and I hate it. i hate that I cannot trust myself nor my friends at all to stay and I hate that I convince myself each and everyday that they'd be better off without me. i want to rely on them so badly because I know they'd be there for me but god it's scary to think they could potentially hate me when they find out how shit my health has gotten

(this is why WCI is so important to me: I see so much of myself in Sanji that he was my least favourite character for ages and even now he's still low on my tierlist solely because he feels too alike to me.)

through everything though, one piece is the only thing which I cannot overthink myself into it not needing me as i may not be necessary as a viewer through the billions of people who also enjoy one piece but it doesn't matter what i am to one piece because

it's important to me

and that's really all that matters in the end.

one piece saved my life multiple times and it's cheesy and cliché but I really do not think I'd be here if I wasn't introduced to one piece.

that's why I'm so upset by the mere thought of one piece ending.

when it does end I will not have an excuse drilled into my brain to keep living anymore and that scares me so bad, my excuse to live won't be able to be "you haven't finished one piece yet so live." anymore

that's so so scary to even consider.

I still have bad days nowadays ofc but I now have a stable backing to fall into when I know it's getting bad but when one piece ceases to continue I'll have to face my bad days like before I got into one piece and thats not something I think I can handle, i can't handle change this big.

but hey

it's still a long while for one piece to end so

I'll wait it out til then.

as much as i am a pessimist I want to be able to die without regrets (haha one piece reference) and not finishing one piece will be such a big regret it's insane

so, what I'm trying to say is, wait it out with me guys :)) we must see through to Luffy becoming the pirate king!

and maybe by then we'll have more stable backings to fall into for support and more fingers to put down when counting what we have

and maybe by then we'll all be a bit older and a bit more wise too

only the future will tell.

(okay but side notes: if anyone actually bothered to read all of this, you're an absolute legend and I hope you find your own one piece one day as cringe as that is AHAHAHAHA, kudos to you reader! have a great day :>> )

#one piece #im sobbing #what will i do #idek bruh #bruh #take an l #took an l #i can't handle change #change is bad #this is horrible #one piece ending #terrible thoughts #brain bad #bad brain #whip and nae nae #FIGHT ON #!!! :D #I BELIEVE IN YOU #WHOOP WHOOP #WE ARE #WE ARE! #jesus this took forever #this is long #asf #this is so emo #angst asf #irl angst #LMFAO BYE #actually crying #tw depressing thoughts

[ajokeformur-ray]

I am so sorry you're having a hard time with work. If it's any consultation, I work at a nursing home, and we've had 4 covid outbreaks in my facility and have to get tested weekly. And I've had people in my family get covid twice. But I've been super careful and wore masks, gloves, and washed my hands like crazy, and I haven't gotten covid at all. So it's definitely not something that's inevitable, it's possible to not get it, even if you work with people who do. Just make sure to take the proper safety precautions, and remember to put your health (physical and mental) first and as your top priority. You've got this!!

Thank you, nonnie. Thank you thank you thank you!

Aaa a fellow nursing home worker!😭 My home tested twice a week anyway, but with the outbreak which started last week, they're asking us to test every shift (so for me that's three times a week) and reintroducing further tests which get sent off to labs and professionally analysed alongside the standard tests (so I do three lateral flow tests a week and one PCR). And, like you, my family have had covid once already and I was the only one who didn't get it.

I'm so sorry you're having these experiences, they're so scary and you're so brave to be able to face them. It's genuinely terrifying and I don't understand why people are acting like the pandemic is over or like covid isn't so serious anymore (my family fall into this and they keep saying I'm being irrational and????)... Compassion fatigue, for one. Being tired of the pandemic for another, all of which are valid and I understand them but. Facts are facts and we can't say they're not there just because we're tired. Obviously it's a more nuanced discussion than that but you know what I mean.

Masks, gloves and frequent handwashing is what I've been doing as well and so far, I've not had covid either. We're in this together, nonnie!!!!!💪

My family keep telling me I should "just let myself get covid because it has no guts now and it's just like a mild flu" and I'm like... FLU KILLS PEOPLE!!!! COVID IS SERIOUS!!!! PEOPLE ARE DYING!!!! WHY ARE YOU NOT AS SCARED AS ME???? They WERE until they got it themselves and now they don't care.😰

Thank you thank you thank you, truly, for the comfort and encouragement. I'm less white hot HOLY FUCK panic and more "okay this is bad but if I protect myself as best as I can, I'll be okay" with a lot of fear and anxiety. But the panic is out of my system now. I stood in the doorway last night after I came home and my mind was

Dirtydirtydirtydirtydirty

But I didn't know where to start until I just... disinfected all my bags, belongings in the bags, uniform in the wash, etc etc and eventually I got myself settled.😭 This whole thing has admittedly tipped me into being germaphobic and when I don't know what to do, I let it do the talking for me because right now there's no such thing as TOO safe.

I'm so proud of you nonnie, you're doing amazingly and I appreciate, deeply, your message! Knowing none of us are alone in this is a huge comfort. I worry immensely for myself as well as other people and I'd never forgive myself if I got people sick just because of my work situation. I worry for you and all the other essential workers.

Please please take care of you, nonnie, and know I'm always here if you ever want to vent or chat or anything!💜🫂💜

#tw; covid #tw; covid outbreak #tw; health anxiety

[gremlinasis]

18 - I've been wandering

Two years and a bit later and I'm in a completely different life.

Short summary: I stayed with my ex after she cheated, we got over it but the feeling she had that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship loomed over us. Beside that I was progressing through my studies and I graduated with honors in July of 2022. Quickly after I took an an engineering job at a multinational.

The job didn't really match with me and I was constantly out of the country and away from my friends and my ex. It weighed a lot on me and my relationship, which was going through more downs than ups at that point with me being in a bad place generally and her still longing for her independence from a partner. It got better for a while in the beginning of this year, but she left on a semester abroad in February and that's when things started changing.

She didn't want me to stay too close during that time, she was too far away for me to be able to visit without preparation and she didn't want me to plan any visits or really to talk to me too much. For the first two months I kept a daily sort of diary for her about my life with short notes about things I would love to tell her that day, reading it back now it's heartbreaking because you can see me falling apart slowly. After a few months it all cracked. Me sending her that I loved her would make her cringe and just in general anything that referenced us as romantic partners would make her close off.

At that point my mental health started shattering. I hated my job and I knew I was losing my relationship. Because I was away so often it was also hard to get support from my friends, I was living far away from them and I was too lonely to get myself out of it. So I started to go to a therapist.

Slowly I worked on understanding myself better, to give myself the space to think and to process what was going on in my head and my heart.

Once my ex came back it was clear we were done. It took about a month and a half where I saw her maybe 4 times before we finally sat together and told each other we couldn't do this anymore. From her perspective she couldn't be in a relationship right now and from mine I couldn't be someone that was the worst part of someone's day. It was destroying me to be actively unwanted, not necessarily for who I am but for simply filling a role that she didn't have room for. So we ended it after three years together.

A week later I sent an e-mail asking about PhD positions to my thesis promotor, three days later he responded that he wanted to look into it with me and I went to pride and kissed my friends (I had a situation with one of them after that also broke off, which is a whole other story), four days after pride I booked a meeting with my promotor and quit my job. Three weeks later I got a PhD position which is what I'm currently spending my days with.

Life is still difficult to navigate, but I need to be grateful as well that I'm here now. If the me of April this year would see me now, I think she'd cry. I'm not where I want to be yet, not professionally, personally or mentally, but I got myself out of my lowest point.

I'm dealing with a lot still. My ex and I still talk and it's clear that we still haven't finished this completely. There is a lot of love left there from both sides and it's not clear to me where my romantic life is going to head. I want to be loved well though, I understand now that I need to be actively wanted. I need a partner that wants me around as their standard, I want to be with someone that wants to take steps with me (in due time), someone that wants to move in together, that wants to have a life together, so we aren't just updating each other about our separate lives, that we live a part of each others life as well.

But I also think I need to literally & figuratively fuck around a little before I can try doing that again.

My next step is moving out of home, I don't know when that will be, but I'm working on it.

So yes, a lot has happened as of late, curious to see where next my life is gonna lead.

#18

[immaculating]

I'm so sorry for putting Tumblr back in its peak era, but i have to.

For me, at least. But maybe you can take something from this too.

We all went through something super dramatic and came out different in one way or another. Some people changed for the better, some people for the worst. A lot of people cam out of the COVID-19 pandemic with more social anxiety or experienced it for the first time (like me). Most of us sat and continue to occupy positions today which provide us with challenges and impact our day-to-day in unfavorable ways.

As I sit here writing this, I have a million other things I need to be doing--but I'm so tired. Physically tired--sleep deprived to the point where it's not even funny, mentally drained and exhausted. I've fallen behind in so many tasks and assignments. Yet, sometimes we have to be the person who allows ourselves to take a break and express our thoughts and articulate our emotions when no one else will. When the world is not giving you the kindness and consideration that you deserve, make sure to make time and space for yourself. Writing this will probably make my thoughts a lot clearer (well, I'm sleep deprived again, so maybe moreso...less cluttered). I just feel like so many thoughts are hanging over my head in a cloud that I don't have time to think about. But in the long run, really, it makes everything harder to navigate.

If you take anything away from this, give yourself the 5 minutes and a much needed break to do what you need to do for yourself, like I am doing now.

I transferred to a new university away from my hometown, a passion that I loved, a community that I loved to do my passion with, and almost everyone I knew. I've been in undergrad for damn near long enough to have (maybe) my graduates. I'm supposed to finally graduate this quarter.

But I'm just so tired...and anxious, and depressed. I know that it's much better to talk to a professional about this but I'm not able to right now. I work 20 hours per week, and go to school more than full time since my advisors pushed me to graduate earlier than everyone else I know graduating for no specific reason. One day, I was sitting in class an my heart rate on my watch rose to 155BPM--i wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting there anxious. I thought I was having a heart attack and drove to the hospital, staying overnight.

Anxiety is never something I've had to face in my day-to-day which impacts it at that level before. After COVID, however, I am anxious in all social situations and especially in an unfamiliar community (still fairly new to me because of the stay-at-home orders, remember?) This was supposed to be my last hurrah at a university experience after years of working through community college to transfer. And I moved away from everyone and everything I loved to sit in my room for two fucking years, gaining health problems and mental problems I didn't know would be popping up now after society has been opened back up for awhile.

And yet here I am when it matters most. The one class that is required specifically for graduation--I wrote the wrong deadline down. I'm embarrassed and scared to email my professor about it. I've had to meet with my other professors, too, about missing work and falling behind. Even in work I'm behind on work. I feel so bad but I genuinely felt like my birthday, two days ago, was too much for me to think about let alone celebrate--how do i pull myself out of this? how do i not blame myself? i have severe adhd impairment and because of my newfound anxiety heart rate, cannot take my medication without precaution. everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. and i'm so depressed.

i know this sounds like it went from maybe inspirational to a lot of whining, but honestly, i just need space to vocalize and vent. i don't know who else to talk to. i haven't made any friends since I've transferred.

anyway, i have to go try to tackle the never ending workload that i have in lieu of the past-due dates that are glaring at me at all times in my mind.

if you, too, are struggling friend--know that you're not alone. thanks for reading this far into my first (albeit mundane) post. I'll try to update the situation as it unfolds.

wish me luck, we'll make it through this. this too shall pass.

-the immaculator

#personal #covid-19 #struggle #mental health #anxiety #venting #school #burnout #impacts #college #loneliness

[jupiterjames]

You know what? My mom may be retired for years, but she is still an excellent therapist.

She called me yesterday since we've been kinda estranged for a while after she went through a period of being kind of terrible.

We haven't really talked much in maybe 2 years and nothing in depth, but she got to the point where she seems to want relationships with her family properly again.

Anyway, during the course of our sharing is caring convo, I told her pretty much everything of the last 3 years. Of how OG covid wrecked me, my hospitalization, my stints with joblessness, not being well enough to see my daughter, my severe blow to mental health, my loads of painful and long term dental work, like everything.

And she was rightfully shocked and asked why I never reached out or never spoke about any of it.

And I said, "I used to remember? I used to talk to most of the family and you because you know I'm not a private person, but I am non-communcative now because literally everyone would always say, 'you'll be okay, JJ. You always land on your feet.' And hearing that made me feel even worse because it's still often a huge fall and doing that so often makes it only look like I do, but if I say I'm not okay, it gets brushed off. So that's a lousy support structure and I gave up on it."

And my mom is quiet for a minute and then she says exactly what I've been feeling. She said, "it sounds like you've actually been landing on your ass and getting back onto your feet. That's not the same thing. That's damaging."

It took 40 years, but she listened this time and actually heard me and understood and agreed that she should be a better support structure when it's like this because she hates that I have become the person that doesn't say a word about anything until it's already over just so I don't have to hear, "you're tough, you'll land on your feet. You'll be fine."

She knows that's bullshit professionally as a therapist and as a mom.

Because it's totally true. I land on my ass and everyone thinks I'm tough, so I only say anything when I'm back on my feet again.

But it's been so much for so long, that the one time I saw her in years, at Christmas this past year, she didn't talk to me more than anyone else at the party, but very acutely observed that I had piled up so much that I couldn't hide how performative I was acting to seem fine.

And I think with some effort on both our parts we might be able to have a good relationship again which I'd like a lot, because sometimes a girl really does just need her mom.

#JJ with lime #personal post

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

#bnha 203 #bnha spoilers #long post #natsuo todoroki #todoroki natsuo #bnha meta #mymeta #todoroki touya