#I have grown a lot and im definitely uh.... Kinder to myself and such | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cyanpeacock · 5 years

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Realtalk(tm): Midnight Edition

MAN all that psychosis was some Seriously Weird shit . i keep thinkin about it

an d yet. im like, well, shit, in some ways, I Needed That?

long Trauma Processing Post under the cut

a whole bunch was very, Oh, Okay, So I Was Right, and those General Things from Before (i.e. when I was a child) WERE serious mental health concerns, that still exist, that I need to not do a Mother on and go “it’s probably nothing/overactive imagination/just acting out for attention”

and a whole bunch was very, like, well, just straight up disturbing frightening psychosis, of a duration and intensity new to me, and despite the bizarre and at times inappropriate content, it brings me a weird kind of relief to know i went Totally Batshit outside in broad daylight and nobody ever laid a hand on me? nobody smacked me? nobody yelled at me or got REALLY funny with me? they just, uh, let me go batshit off on my own? i almost certainly disturbed and/or offended some people, but no Punishment was dealt??????

like... the only people who spoke to me were (retrospectively obviously, at the time not obviously) concerned about my wellbeing, rather than trying to berate me and shut me up for their comfort? although i did still react internally as though that were the case. but like... How Delightful! the world i was walking through is MUCH kinder than my “family” ever was!!! those guys just saw a sick person? and not somebody being “difficult/playing up/bratty/childish”??? wtf. i’m still kind of like, is that for real???

and a whole bunch of the Episode was also “oh. okay. that was TOTALLY actually about this SPECIFIC thing from my past that is not always in my accessible life memories, but That Fucking Happened, And Its Processing And Integration Are Incomplete, because my parents were emotionally constipated and didn’t remotely know the meaning of Mental Health”

some of it is Specific Incidents. a lot of it is about like... alternating fucking, like, total abandonment, then Absolute Surveillance And Control “We” Have To Monitor Your Every Action And “We” Will Punish You If You Do Not Comply To The Restrictions And Regulations

like ahahahha. okay backstory. as a kid-kid i had literally No supervision on the computer, no like, web filters, no time locks, stumbled across 4chan and whatnot far too young, nobody noticed for Years. which, uh, that is BAD parenting. that is REALLY bad form, and i was made to feel like that was My Fault, somehow. but hey! to me, this was normal! there was a whole bunch of weird interesting stuff on the internet that really distracted me from how shitty Coming Home felt! the computer is Fun!!!!!

and then!!! while i understand the INTENTION of this -- later on “They” brought in a whole fucking load of surveillance, moved me to the bedroom next to my mother’s so they could “keep an eye on me”, put software on MY school laptop to kick me off the machine, software on the router that monitored every single webpage i went on? i was in my mid to later teens by this point??? like, the point where most kids get MORE freedom and trust, not less?! literally i heard shit from adults like “we can’t trust you” and now i’m like. oh. oh, okay. yeah. that’s... not right.

now i was a quick boy and made myself a workaround in the form of an Ubuntu LiveCD, disguised as a blank disk that i kept with other CDs, and that lovely beast TOR worked some miracles for me. but like, what the fuck?? i was going to all those fucking lengths just to try and get some human contact with people who actually did care about me, Away from my hellhole family and equally hellish school. all the fucking Being Watched made me feel sicker and sicker, i was self harming more, hiding it better, hurting other ppl increasingly because i was acting in reaction to my own pain.

like. you can’t like... go from total neglect, to fucking CIA levels of invasion of privacy. like, that’s abuse, that’s just going from one extreme to the other.

that’s what was so jarring about it all? like, sometimes, there would just be Nobody emotionally available at home. that sucked, but hey, it’s what i grew up with, i was used to it. then other times, it would be TELL ME EVERYTHING. I HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. EVERY INTIMATE DETAIL. NO SECRETS ALLOWED. TELL ME EVERYTHING. still with No emotional capacity there. and i was NOT used to that. that shit made me “paranoid”. uh, fucking YEAH?

like... anybody would get paranoid in emotional solitary confinement with people watching their every fucking move. shit felt like being in a cell with the guards walking past glaring at you through the food slot periodically. “come out of the corner so I can see what you’re doing” and all that. i developed like... so many sides. to deal with it. constantly fucking flipping over.

the priority was and is Maintain The One That Can Do School. Maintain Him. He Can Get Grades, He Satisfies The Mother, He Can Get Away From This. and i guess i did? and i’m gonna get a degree, like, a real one, a fucking good one if i keep working as hard as i have been, which... well, shit, what else can I do? this is what i am Built For. but i’d be like, flipping over with a side that is literally a terrified child that bolts to its bedroom and hisses and growls at threats outside the door. and my mother would say shit like “i think it’s just your hormones.” what kind of wack-ass shit. denial levels over 9000.

man like i’m angry but numb to it? in a sort of, oh, okay, woah, is this what i was dealing with? is this the shit i was living through? and this was denied and minimized so many times, and so many people said “well I’m sure she loves you really,” that i’d learned to say to myself “it’s not that bad, she loves me really, she’s doing the best she can” when i was literally like... cutting so much i was bleeding thru my trousers at school? i’d been trained to just like, dissociate so hard i couldn’t actually name or talk about ANY of the things that were happening to and around me that were making me feel so shitty?

YEAH so . that was Also Fucked Up.

and s///pinel like....... wsdfsjdghhjd what the fuck. huge mood. wanted while I was a fun little entertaining creature that could do Tricks and Impress and Make People Laugh!! and then i got Difficult To Deal With. Too Much. Annoying. and wasn’t emotionally valued any more! And I Turned Into A Fucking Unstable Destructive Maniac.

yyyyeeeuuup i definitely totally did the I HATE YOU WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME BUT I LOVE YOU WHY AM I LASHING OUT AT YOU SO MUCH DON’T LEAVE ME I HATE YOU thing. it was not fun for anybody (understatement). and i have No Intention of living in the “grown up” version of “I hate you but we’re ~family~ so I’m going to politely tolerate your presence while I’m numb or miserable.” i’m not about it. no sir no way no how.

YH. yeah. okay i’m gonna end this post Here because if i keep goin i’ll get so mad I give myself a migraine RIP. that’s kind of a Whole Bunch huh.

#fliptext #trauma #self harm #dissociation #psychosis #ask to tag #surveillance #digital surveillance #neglect

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s-nnyd · 6 years

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hey. all of the qs from the ask meme that apply to you. have fun

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

oh boy well with my dad most certainly not theres a lot situations where its been made obvious that im not the son he wanted but he’ll still use me as an example to show to my lil bro and also like theres a lot of cockiness too and with my mom i love her and i know she loves and supports me but a lot of that is because im her daughter and id say id have a decent relationship with my mom and i do love her

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

lmao it was you

03: Do you regret anything?

oooooooooooooooooo boi man i been thinking and like ive thought about if ive regretted ever being friends with angie and id like to say that i dont cause shes done a lot and shes given a lot to me whether it be good or bad and ive grown a lot from it and i think that if i completely erased that then i wouldnt be able to work through the things i have and like in other aspects i regret not saying “i think youre cute” to movie girl and knott’s info boy like my goodness they were both so damn cute and i really shoulda said something

04: Are you insecure?

hell yeah i am

05: What is your relationship status?

single right now and i do want to eventually date someone and have that sort of closeness and that sort of relationship where i can feel at peace and rely on someone but i honest to goodness don’t think there’s anyone for me just yet and i don’t think im in a place really to be dating anyone cause i need to resolve things before i try to start something new

06: How do you want to die?

oh man duuude okay so when we read granny weatherall i legit like had a breakdown and i started panicking cause i started thinking about death all of a sudden and like there are situations where ive considered suicide and all but like there are also the times where it feels like its looming over me so much and like i get so so scared like im scared to walk down the pier at the beach at night because it so dark and the point where you look out onto the horizon and the horizon no longer exists and and its just a void and its so dark and like i think thats how i wanna die just im walking out on the pier at midnight and just im swallowed up because i think in the last moments i think i should just confront it

07: What did you last eat?

i had these hawaiian shortbread cookies that are so dang good like mmmmmmmmmmmm

08: Played any sports?

man i used to do tennis and swimming and i would love to go back to it

09: Do you bite your nails?

nah

10: When was your last physical fight?

like one where someone was genuinely hurt? like an hour ago and it was with the ground cause i got flung off my skateboard but for real i think my last physical fight was like kinder

11: Do you like someone?

skdjashjdkashd i doooo and i should noottttt and theres a lot of things i already know that its kinda like the crush is coming from the fact that there was a lot of support and general niceness and a whooollle lot of other reasons why i should not and im looking forward to the day when this goes away

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

my goodness i have and i died

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

hmm i do but i forgot who it was

14: Do you miss someone?

yeah i kinda miss my old self but for real i really miss my cousin lynnette like i havent seen her for like two years and i really needa hang out with her eventually

15: Have any pets?

dang i wish

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

at the moment? p distressed and very in my own head like i really need a break from a lot of other things but i also need a break from myself oh! ill show you my art project that were doing later when i finish it cause like we ended up havign to do an extreme emotion self portrait of how we feel at this point in time and like its hilarious cause ppl pass by it and theyre like “dude are you okay like just looking at that makes me feel bad”

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

dkjasdh i have not but i lowkey wanna just cause

18: Are you scared of spiders?

uH YEAh

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

i would i would and if it was to relive a memory definitely if it was to redo something over differently most definitely if it was to reexperience something wihtout changing something then uh no

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

hhhhhhh oh my goodness lowkey embarrassed to say it cause weve talked about places to snog a while ago and like the last time i did was like in the bushes in the sculpture garden

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

maybe working on the death of a salesman project maybe just getting some rest im really not sure im literally living day to day at this point

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

pfft man i do not wanna have any kids like at all

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i got two but theyve closed up already since i dont use em

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

art, a bit of dabbling in math, and then also psych like i lvoed the fuck outta that class

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

oh yeah definitely and i think about her a lot i definitely miss meleana and sometimes ill go out and theres a souvenir shop and ill look at the best friend necklaces cause she always got one for us and like i have a box just full of all the halved best friend necklaces and i wonder a lot what would have happened had we still kept contact she was a big gateway to a lot of things in my life

26: What are you craving right now?

mmm some damn relief but for real tho i want someone to run their hands through my hair and pet it and all like any of the daydreams i have are usually centered around my new haircut

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i? dont? think? so? theres like only one of two people i know of who like ever liked me and that was jolin (the other one is this sophomore from my art class last year)

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

lol no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

wish i could even get a date

30: What’s irritating you right now?

well i brought up the other ones in our chat and those are the main ones currently so

31: Does somebody love you?

yeah and i think in a lot of situations whether theyre friends or fam im being put on the weird pedestal

32: What is your favourite color?

OH OH OH ITS CERULEAN BLUE LIKE I KNOW ITS REAL SPECIFIC BUT LIKE THAT THAT BLUE IS SO GOOD LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE IT IN PUBLIC MY CHEST SWELLS UP AND MY LUNGS FEEL SO COLD AND THE AIR FEELS REALLY NICE AND LIKE MAN I LOVE THAT BLUE

33: Do you have trust issues?

lol yeah and in the process ive lied a lot and ive gotten so good at lying that sometimes i forget i am lying and the lines between whats truth or not get all blurry (i legit did not mean for that to come off as tumblr-esque as it did)

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

it was me just kinda floating in random space and then i was in a white room with no walls no doors no windows and i just walked around in this open blank space

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hhhh mrs quiggle

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

sometimes i think i do

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

haH hAH HAH haaa.......no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

uh i believe 13 oh wait no scratch that i was like 8

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i needed to get the laundry so...

51: Favourite food?

prolly ramen oh or loco moco cause its so good

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

mmm i think id say i do

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

i was working on my entry for the lawyer firm art contest

54: Is cheating ever okay?

hell no

55: Are you mean?

i think so cruel even just cause i know so much and i think people who know and understand and think so much are in general dangerous cause they calculate their actions and sometimes that scares me cause i cant tell if im doing it on purpose or not but just in general yeah im mean like too many shits are just not given

56: How many people have you fist fought?

like? uh? i think maybe two and both times were when i was like 8 or 9

57: Do you believe in true love?

mmm i do i do and i think a lot of that true love stems from a relationship based on communication, honesty, trust, and a really good friendship as a foundation

58: Favourite weather?

oooOOOOOO okay so do you remember that one time it was raining hard as fuck like sophomore year like i know its real vague but it was legit pouring and like it was actually so bad that everyone adn i mean everyone went into the library to get some form of shelter and there were people who were soaked to the bone and peoples umbrellas were getting broken cause it was so cold rainy and windy like that that kinda weather is my fave

59: Do you like the snow?

uh i think i do?

60: Do you wanna get married?

hell yeah

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

mmmm i get a lil weird on that but i think some of my favorite ones are like being called “love” like “whats going on love” or “you look good today love” like mmm i eat that shit up

62: What makes you happy?

man legend of zelda is makign me so damn happy rn like it legit means so damn much to me adn like theres so much i lvoe about it and i just lvoe talking about it and anything about it in general and like also skateboarding has been making me real happy lately like ive never loved getting hurt more and like that sounds really bad and like my left knee’s nerves are totally shot cause i fell straight on it and messed it up cause i was skating but like theres just soemthing about feeling more within my own body because im gettin some form of physical activity adn im getting hurt adn its like its a reality in its own way and like i really love it and i super love when i get to cruise like it feels so damn esp with my hair now and also what makes me happy is the ppl i find cute every now and then like its genuinely such a nice experience and oh oh i just wanted to talk about it jsut cause but like whenever i get a crush i get real excited and real happy cause like i love getting them gifts and seeing the surprise and the happiness on their faces cause its like oh you thought of me and oh its somehting i really love and like it makes them happy for that glimpse of a moment and like i love talking to them and like when they tell me about things they like or their passionate about its so nice to hear cause its like yes yes yes i support you and i love you i love seeing you happy and like just seeing your brightens my day and like even if i do confess and i do get rejected ive been mroe than lucky cause its like the people i have confessed to have been so gentle with the rejection and so kind with it and its like oh no!! like yes im sad that we couldnt be more but like thank you!!! thank you so much for letting me love you adn letting me give you so much thank you for brightening my days up and lettign me see your smiles and hear your laughs like thank you so much im so glad i could crush on you and like thats another thing that makes me happy and like theres probably a lot more that i could talk about but i think ill leave at that for now

63: Would you change your name?

i been actually thinking about it for a while adn in the times that i have considered it i usually use a game with the customizable name to try it out and like at some point i used Elle and then i tried Lynn and like i dunno im really not too sure and maybe if other names come in the future ill test those out cause truly it doesnt feel like my name is my own

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

mm yeah id think so cause theres stuff we were supposed to talk about that we didnt and uhh yeah

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

say “thanks im really flattered but i really dont think im in a place right now where i should get into a relationship”

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

lmao no

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

uhh the guy at the receptionist desk when i went in to submit my entry for the art contest

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

lol if what we talked about wasnt deep and it wasnt you then itd be mrs quiggle

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

fuck yeah

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i dont think so like i wouldnt even die for myself

#thanks jae #this really was a good breather and it made a lot of things feel better #sickinthesoul

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