#I have enough real life issues to fight off depression from thanks

[ecto42]

I think in D&D terms the typical assumption would be that a character with a chronic illness and/or chronic pain would have a low constitution score. The reality is a lot of people like myself would probably have constitution as our biggest stat because not only are we constantly staying up while fighting our bodies, we’re generally expected to ignore our own physical needs and wellbeing in exchange for being able to get things done. For example, I have been fully in the middle of a POTS episode and had to cook myself dinner, carry multiple loads of laundry up and down the stairs, etc. Like there’s such a real thing to Ashton Greymoore having chronic pain and yet their highest stat being Constitution.

I think something people are really good at acknowledging for Ashton as well as being apparent with Taliesin is that chronic illness generally means you’re stronger than people would assume, but you also blow through your resources faster and they can be just as counterproductive as they are helpful. It’s important to note that Taliesin struggles with chronic issues like hand tremors and has other chronically disabled friends like Dani Carr.

Like personally as an AMAB person with a condition that primarily hits AFAB people particularly hard, I’ve had cardiologists tell me “If anything your heart is overly muscular.” Which like, thanks dude yeah that’s decades of anxiety and years of POTS hitting and me having to stay standing up. Like I was in marching band in high school and I was the kid basically double-time marching in giant steps every show because I was the easiest to place since I’m so tall. Then when I worked fast food I had to either maneuver through hoardes of people to get back to my station or just push through them completely. In 90+ degree weather in the summer in Alabama with an anxiety disorder and a “heart condition” that’s actually just another neurological condition. Like I spent years doing manual labor and unloading trucks and pallets while exhausted on like 3 hours of sleep. You have to develop that kind of resilience when the capitalist system reinforces a world where no matter what if you want to survive as a person straddling the poverty line you have to work your ass off.

This doesn’t even get into the kind of resiliency you have to develop as an undiagnosed neurodivergent person who’s being told by absolutely everyone for most of your life that you’re doing everything wrong. Like Adaine from Dimension 20 is such a good example of that. This is also why I love the portrayal of Ayda Aguefort so much, because she really is like me having to learn everything from books because no one else in her life can explain things the same way that a book can. That is one of those things that as a late diagnosed autistic & ADHDer it’s really hard to explain personally without getting really like tragic or depressing in conversation because it sometimes is just a matter of “I’ve effectively been abused my entire life purely because the system wasn’t built for me and I had a lot of expectations I failed to live up to.”

All of this as a way to say that neurodiversity and disability are much more interesting and heroic feeling when they are portrayed by actually neurodiverse and disabled people, as well as those who love those people enough to tell stories that include them. I think TRRPGs and RPGs in general are a great way to explore this. Often times when we see disabled people in shows or movies that revolve around their disability there is a lack of agency, whereas often times with TTRPGs you have to create your own agency in the first place.

#critical role #dimension 20 #d&d #d&d 5e #brennan lee mulligan #dropout #ashton greymoore #adaine abernant #ayda aguefort #siobhan thompson #taliesin jaffe

[dizzydaisygettinglazy]

Do you think mewtwo may be touch starved? (I don’t mean anything gross or perverted!!!) more like hugs or cuddles and stuff

Hi, Anon! Yes, I do! I think Mewtwo has gone so long without positive touch (battling doesn't count) that he could be suffering from touch starvation. He probably wouldn't know what to do if given a hug!

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. Please don’t use this to diagnose yourself.

We humans need positive touch. Positive contact causes the brain to release oxytocin, which makes you feel good. It gives you a sense of comfort, security and satisfaction. People who don’t get enough positive physical touch can become stressed, anxious or depressed. As discussed in this other question, prolonged stress and anxiety can be detrimental to your health, even triggering PTSD.

This reaction to touch starts at birth. It’s why doctors have new mothers hold their babies to their chest for skin-to-skin contact. Mothers are encouraged to hold and comfort their babies often to promote healthy development.

In the animated films, nobody holds Mewtwo when he pops out of the tank. Nobody touches him. The only physical contact he presumably has at Team Rocket is having his armor put on. The only positive contact I recall him having is Ash Ketchum carrying him to Purity Spring to be healed. It’s notable that Mewtwo regains the strength to fight off Team Rocket and the courage to explore the world after this happens.

Mewtwo’s personality may align with someone suffering from touch starvation. It’s common to have feelings of loneliness, depression, decreased life satisfaction, anxiety and stress if touch starved.

Or it could be that Mewtwo is touch averse. Perhaps he’s never liked being touched. Maybe he has a sensory processing issue. Or perhaps not being held or touched from “birth” resulted in him developing a touch aversion. Our tendency to engage in physical touch like hugging is often a product of early childhood experiences, so perhaps because Mewtwo isn't raised being hugged, he grows up to dislike it. How touch aversion is experienced and expressed in real life is highly individual, so take all this with a grain of salt.

All of this is to say that it’s an interesting issue to explore when considering Mewtwo’s character. There are many different ways you can characterize Mewtwo with regards to positive physical contact!

Thanks for the interesting ask! Sources under the cut.

Sources

“Touch Starvation: What to Know.” WebMD. <www.webmd.com/balance/touch-starvation>.

“Skin-to-Skin Contact.” UNICEF. <www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/baby-friendly-resources/implementing-standards-resources/skin-to-skin-contact/#:~:text=What%20is%20skin%2Dto%2Dskin,until%20after%20the%20first%20feed>.

“What Does It Mean to Be Touch Starved?” Psych Central.<psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-self-soothe-when-starved-for-touch>.

“Why Some People Hate Being Hugged, According to Science” Time. <time.com/5379586/people-hate-hugged-science/>.

“Don’t Touch Me! A Guide to Understanding Touch Aversion & Tactile Sensitivity” HealthProAdvice.<healthproadvice.com/mental-health/touch-aversion>.

#pokemon #mewtwo #mewtwo strikes back #mewtwo returns #ash ketchum #dizzy's asks #mewtwo meta #i do headcanon he's touch starved #tho if someone hugged him or held his hand he'd probably just stand there #'what...is happening...'

[aspd-culture]

I really don't want to being this up with my therapist so I kinda wanted to vent here and ask you if this sounds like aspd.

Kinda a disclaimer I have Aspergers, ADHD and depression diagnosed as well as trauma from being hospitalised (psych ward) quite young also big ass trigger warning

The thing is I relate heavily to all if the symptoms like I can place them personally onto myself and things I do.

I've been a serial liar since I was child, ppl irl even now don't ken the the real me I've spun a web of lies ab myself, nothing of great grandeur, just to cover up the tracks of things I don't want ppl to know as well as I enjoy lying frankly

I have low empathy, i always kinda have done. I've never really felt that pain I just can't muster the energy to give a fuck, I really don't fucking care, like that's a you problem it doesn't concern me nor does it threaten me so I don't care.

I've never felt remorse for my actions I feel like if I harm someone, lie, or manipulate them they kinda deserve it and ik that they probably didn't but they hurt me or they hurt my image or my reputation so they have to pay, they have to know that I have that power over them.

I often get violent urges and thoughts, most of the time in the form of a day dream if sorts. TW but I really wanna beat someone into a pulp esp if they thought I was weak or they doubted me/angered me. I often ponder the question to myself that if I did kill or harm someone like that would I feel something or would I get a similar feeling to when I fantasize ab it, would it scar me for life? Would I realise I was wrong? I mostly do this to try ground myself as I've gotten in some rlly nasty fights before because it ended up being all I could think about.

I've broken the law many times either through selling, buying or doing drugs. Shoplifting and pickpocketing (haven't been caught yet ab any of these ones) as well as multiple charges of assault.

I lie to people I consider my friends about caring ab their problems or opinions and I can't keep friends for particularly long unless their drug buddies

However I think I can feel love in a romantic/sexual sense but I think most of my past relationships have been nothing but obsession mixed with the fact I like having someone who cares that much ab me and I like having a lot of sex. Like I need you to be mines, if they even mention they find another person attractive then i just want to fucking maim someone. You can only be mines until I get bored of you. Then as soon as I get bored all feelings towards them cease and I gotta fake that I'm upset.

I do a lot of things that are considered "morally bankrupt" according to my therapist but I always feel like I'm not a bad person, I just can't let people know I do bad person things.

Sorry for the vent

Alrighty gotta start this off with a real quick boundary about a term you used. Please do not use the term Asperger's when talking to me (ideally, not at all). It is a literal N*zi's name. I also hate the aspie supremacy aspect of it, but honestly that's not my main issue with it, my main issue is that term literally means "not disabled enough by their autism to be gassed so let's give them to our freakshow n*zi doctor so he can experiment on them until they die that way". Thanks. /nmay just frustrated by the use of the term. I know not everyone knows.

That said, I am still ok with answering the rest of the ask for you. I cannot diagnose you, and anything I say here is really just info I'd advise you to take to your therapist, not a way of avoiding talking to them about it.

One major part of ASPD that you didn't mention at all in your ask is disregard for safety/wellbeing of yourself; you just mentioned others. PwASPD not only have trouble avoiding putting others in danger, but themselves too. We tend to get ourselves into situations we can't easily get out of, start fights we know we can't win or haven't considered if we could win, etc.

Another big thing that I noticed in your ask is an egocentric way of thinking and speaking that is not super common in ASPD. Arrogance is an associated trait, but usually people I've talked to with ASPD have a more complicated relationship with the justification for the things they do (justifying to yourself to avoid responsibility is actually a symptom of ASPD) as well as with their self-esteem. That said, many of the symptoms you're talked about here definitely do seem to match up with some of the criteria...

I wonder if it's possible you relate to the symptoms of either just NPD or both ASPD and NPD? I am by no means an expert in NPD and I don't know you particularly well but just answering basing off of the wording of your ask and such I would advise you do research into that as well as ASPD. They can be comorbid. In fact, because the way that cluster b disorders develop are all relatively similar (trauma and failure to develop a secure attachment style), it's somewhat common to have more than one of them.

I hope this helps.

#tw asperger #tw ableist language #tw ableist term #tw n zi #tw n zi mention #tw antisemitism #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually antisocial #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #aspd #aspd awareness #aspd traits #npd #anons welcome #tw violence mention #tw violent thoughts

[ziracona]

I really really like ILM, you’re work is truely wonderful and I’m a fan of Philip and the survivors as a whole after reading them, the ODE is a super cool alternative as well, words cannot express how much I love them. I was wondering if I could translate them into Chinese? And would you allow the fanfiction of your facfiction or fanfiction inspired by your work? Sorry if that came out rude I really didn’t mean it.

Also would it be possible to tell me when you are open to commission again? Also also what’s the continueation of ODE would be like? I always wonder if it’d be like ILM and that’s why it didn’t continue.

Hello! Thank you so much. I’m really glad you like the story. And this is a really sweet message to receive! Anyone is welcome to translate the fics to another language, so long as they do their honest best to keep the meaning and content itself the same, and credit/reference me as the original author. 👍 (and so long as they ask/let me know they’re doing it, like you have here!)

I’m also perfectly fine with people writing fanfic of my fanfics! It makes me happy people like my own work enough to want to expound on it specifically, instead of the original world itself. It’s very meaningful to me. 💙 it doesn’t come off as rude at all—it’s very flattering, don’t worry.

I would be happy to let you know. I just haven’t got any real idea when that will be, sadly. I’ve gone through some personal tragedies and hardships in my life in the last couple years, and it’s just made some things really difficult for me, commission work being one of those. I hope it won’t last much longer, but I really don’t know. If you’re interested though, I’m happy to send you a message whenever I do open them again. It just may be a while.

As for ODE, In Living Memory, New Dawn Fades, Half-Life, and From the Earth of No Return are all canon alternate timelines in the same universe of my writing, with there just being slight changes that butterfly effect what happens and when. On Deaf Ears is more like an alternate universe, but closely related, than another timeline. If it continued, I think Vigo would eventually (Vigo and the survivors) push Ollie enough (starting with what Meg saw at the end of ODE) that they all find out what’s going on instead of just Oliver, and then eventually escape with Philip somewhat similar to the events of ILM, but with some stark differences as well. I think they figure out Philip’s situation a lot faster, for one. But there is less involvement sadly with quite a few of the killers, and more with Adiris and probably Caleb as well. Unfortunately, I don’t think Vigo makes it out. Vigo is a very tragic character. It makes me sad in a way I don’t know how to express well that the timelines he is the or a major proponent of (In Living Memory and On Deaf Ears) are the least likely to end well for him, while the ones where he is less active (New Dawn Fades and From the Earth of No Return, and potentially Half-Life), are more likely to be ones he could survive. It’s because if he’s the active agent, he always prioritizes Philip over himself, and usually is successful, but at that cost. It’s depressing but kind of sweet the timelines he has the best shot of making it are ones where he’s not the person most responsible for fighting the Entity.

I expect ODE would end with Vigo being left behind and Philip taking Oliver in. I think Philip ends up deaf as well in that timeline, which helps Ollie deal with his own hesitance admitting how messed up he is both in general, and that he does have to do something about having lost his hearing, and overcome feeling like he’s taking up space and will be rejected for wanting accessibility or things like his friends to learn sign language (or to learn it himself), because suddenly he has someone else to fight for too, and eventually it helps him be kinder to himself and process a lot of his issues. Speck, whose original character Ollie is, and I wrote that story for, hasn’t talked with me in a long time, but if I remember right, he was pretty adamant that there was at least a good chance Ollie and Philip would eventually figure out Vigo existed, and try to get back to the realm for him (again, like the end of ILM). So a lot of parallels between those two stories.

It would be different enough it would be fun to have written ODE, so that’s not why it ends where it does. It doesn’t go on longer mostly because of my life and events in it, and because even if I did adapt all the timelines fully, I think my plan was ILM, NDF, SN, FtEoNR, Half-Life, and then ODE last. Partially because it was conceived last, and partially because its main issues, while pared down, probably have the most overlap with ILM itself in major beats, if not content, so it’s good for variety to give readers a lot of that before returning to the heaviest original narrative parallels. I don’t really think it will ever be adapted fully, but I’m really glad you liked it—I loved it a lot. And I’m glad some other people have too. I hope knowing some of what would have happened helps soften it not having being given a full run.

If you have any other questions or need elaboration, feel free to ask, and thank you again for your kind words. They really mean a lot. : )

#ask #jirokairo #dead by daylight #On Deaf Ears (fic) #On Deaf Ears #ODE spoilers #ILM spoilers #in living memory (spoilers) #in living memory (fic) #in living memory #thanks again—this was really sweet. : ) let me know if there were any questions I didn’t answer

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

My thoughts are all over the place lately. Apologies. I know what’s happening today; I got sent home from work early because I work in a government building and they were Anticipating Protests. I held my sibling while they cried today. So believe me. I Know.

But I also have to write this down.

I didn’t realize how Hungry I was for praise until just this week. Because usually my Internal Motivation is all I need. I’ve been practicing meditation for 17 years as of this summer (read: Disciplining my Mind and Emotions), and I’ve always done my best to keep a good attitude and work ethic up, no matter how depression and bad life stuff tries to get me down. (Because I know Very Well how to fight that battle within my mind.)

Praise from other people? Never happened except from my mother who I saw twice a month growing up, IF that, and thus I was never motivated by craving praise. (And occasionally from stepmom+dad and teachers about How Smart I Am, but THAT was always wrapped in some backhanded comment about how “You’re too smart to be doing this.”) I always figured my Internal Determination was all I needed.

But then a co-worker came to me to critique a paper in one of the cases I prepped. I told her the page had been copied like that already, and that there were going to be a lot like that because for some reason the CEs liked copying the checks over the forms instead of copying them separately. (It’s a quality control issue, and the people above HER look at those Forms Being Blocked By Checks and will come down on them like it’s THEIR fault. It’s messy. But she was able to tell the higher-ups that we couldn’t do anything about it, because apparently I was the only one who had noticed that and been Certain Enough that I wasn’t doing it myself to tell them about that Problem^tm?)

Anyways, to my immense relief and surprise (because nobody had given me ANY feedback on how I was doing that job before), she told me she thought it was weird that I’d do something like that, because “Your cases are always perfect.”

My cases are always PERFECT???

I was stunned, and then I was smiling one of those Rare Big Real Smiles, and though all I said aloud was “Good to know”, internally I’ve been repeating “Your cases are always perfect” in my head like a themesong. And I’m like 10x more motivated to Do It Right, because I want my work to Be Worthy of That Praise!

I think it was Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People that recommended giving people praise and a good reputation to live up to? As of that conversation, I can confirm, that shit WORKS!

And then today, I solved 3 problems because of 3 separate situations that had arisen, helped my boss plan how to get our jobs of the day done with less personnel, and then when The Higher-Ups Told Us to Go Home, I was going around helping people modify their timesheet because nobody foresaw this happening. (The new timesheet system confuses a lot of people. I only figured it out because I’ve needed to take a LOT of time off for doctor appointments already, and I’m good with computers and Learning New Software Systems.)

And then, my boss thanked me profusely and said “You’re a great asset to the office.”

And I lit up like a Christmas tree.

Like, yeah that’s a Very Business way to phrase it, but: 1.) She Singled Me Out Specifically! 2.) We WERE in a professional environment, after all. 3.) I’m really good at reading people and though the phrasing may not be Mushy Gushing Appreciation, I could tell that she MEANT it!

And, I mean, it’s not like the praise totally Changed anything in me.

But gosh, it sure is good to feel Appreciated. To know what I’m doing is Good Enough and Helpful.

(And also hopefully a sign that I’ll keep getting signed onto the next projects instead of having to find a New Job. ;P )

#rhs personal posts #rhs employment

[emptysighs66x]

I worry that sometimes the people around me don't realize how mentally ill I am. Like, Kevin and I have been together 5 years, but he hasn't seen me off my meds until this past year. He saw me dealing with my unstable bipolar when we first met, then stable bipolar about a year after we moved into our house, but I don't think he realized how bad off I was going to get while off my meds, but if I want kids, I can't be on my meds according to my psychiatrist and my gynocolgist because the stuff I was taking was pretty potent.

But I have so many diagnoses that it's unreal and most of them are hereditary/side effects from a rough life led.

It started with the depression and anxiety at 14, added on insomnia at 15, bipolar at 16, PTSD at 20. Then there's the side effects that come from all these illnesses, my worst being my depressive episodes, my episodes of disassociation and feeling like I'm not real and everything around me isn't real, and my occasional spells of excessive paranoia. Then there's also the side effect that I developed after I stopped my meds which is a tic that causes me to jerk my neck, roll my eyes, and make a very high pitched, "Woo." My psych says it's likelihood cause is my brain chemicals being wonky from started my antidepressants so young. He says it may stop when I restart my meds, but I won't know until then. Another recent issue is if someone is speaking to me in person, everything they say sounds garbled even though they're speaking plain English and that's really stressing me out because I've noticed it also effecting the way I write. Like I suddenly don't understand anything that I'm saying.

Like, this job I have now, I work alone throughout the day and I felt off before I left the house and I told Kevin that I felt off. It's been super slow and since I don't have anything to do, it's making me disassociate. I've tried my grounding techniques that my therapist taught me and nothing is helping. I texted Kevin and he told me to take off my shoes and put my feet flat on the floor, but that's never worked for me when it comes to grounding myself because in my head, this life isn't real and I'm just a puppet, my body isn't my body, I don't recognize who I am when I look in a mirror, kinda bullshit.

I've thankfully never been hospitalized despite probably needing to be multiple times and it's hard to explain what goes on in my head to people to a point they understand. A lot of the time, it always feels like I'm fighting for control of my own actions as in I don't always have the motivation to do things that I need to do, or be "present" because I'm too busy off in some lala land that I don't remember (in those times it's like the lights are on, but nobody is home).

I'm just over it. I'm tired of being mentally ill honestly because it's exhausting and the more I talk to my psych or a doctor about it, the more that they add another diagnosis to my list as if I'm collecting every toy in a Happy Meal.

I guess that's enough of my rant. Hopefully it's coherent. Thank God I only have a couple hours left at work and I can go home, eat and edible so I can forget about my problems, and enjoy two fucking days off.

Fuck.

#kayla blogs from work #mind of kayla vi #tw mental illness

[twilight-orchid]

How the Undatebales React After A Fight

Thank you to my friendo @wholelottatiffy ​ who helped me brainstorm this one. I’m only on chapter 19 at the moment, so I haven’t interacted with anyone but Diavolo much. And thank you to everyone who wanted a follow up to my previous post, I did not expect that. Y’all are super sweet!

tw: Fighting (a bit more in depth than my first post), description of panic attack, minor name calling, insecurity, depression, angst with resolution.

Diavolo:

Diavolo doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

To start, we need to talk about how the argument unfolds.

He’s not used to arguing. 

He’s Lord Diavolo, Prince of The Devildom, head of the RAD student council. No one defys him on anything.

So you raising your voice at him, trying to get him to see your way,

It was very overwhelming.

He tried to reason calmly with you at first, but he felt cornered. 

When fight or flight kicked in, his body chose fight.

His wings burst open in all their glory as he screamed back, his towering frame far more intimidating than yours.

The blind rage is slapped out of him when he sees your terrified face.

If you’re at the castle, he’ll order you to leave if you haven’t already. Anywhere else, he’ll turn and leave without a word. 

He wants to put distance between you both for fear of making things worse.

He absolutely cannot believe he just blew up at you. He would have never thought he'd raise his voice at his partner regardless of the situation.

He can’t shake the image of you flinching from him from his mind.

Now, being the prince of hell certainty has it’s perks; He has power, influence, and everything he could want.

But the one thing he wants the most seems to evade him no matter what: a friend.

A real friend. 

He has Barbatos and Lucifer, but it’s Barbatos’ job to accompany the prince, and Lucifer is bound to Diavolo whether he likes the future king or not.

MC was the first person who chooses to be with and around him for no other reason than the fact that they love him.

And now he’s terrified them. Gotten in their face and screamed at them.

He assumes he’s permanently driven you away.

As soon as you leave or he gets home, he rushes to find Barbatos. To explain what happened and hope his butler would know what to do.

He’ll text Lucifer and ask him to check on you as well.

He just feels lost. 

He wanders the palace aimlessly and he can’t focus on his work without his thoughts drifting to you.

He doesn’t feel like going to school or even getting out of bed. He doesn’t want to speak to anyone - to put on a happy face and pretend his world isn’t shaking.

Yet, a prince has his responsibilities. He will go about his normal public appearances as usual, smile and laugh and carry on, but it’s a mask.

Those close to him clearly notice the prince isn’t himself.

After school he visits the spots that you two visit together frequently.  

Anything to make him feel as if you are still at his side.

If you don’t sleep in his bed that night, he’ll take it as proof that he was right and that you don’t want to be with him anymore.

He doesn’t sleep that night. He clutches your pillow that still smells of you and just bawls. 

He will tell Barbatos he feels unwell the next morning and to postpone his obligations for the day.

This prompts Barbatos to seek you out and see if he can help resolve the issue.

Barbatos tries to stay out of your relationship as he doesn't feel it's his business, but his job is to assist Diabolo in any way necessary. And right now, he needs you more than anything.

If you sleep at his side still, it will be a glimmer a hope. That all may not be lost. 

He’ll give you you space that night. He’ll walk around you on eggshells but always watch you from the corner of his eye to gauge the temperature.

He avoids your gaze, stays on the other side of the room as you prepare for bed, and as much as it kills him, doesn’t hug you or kiss you goodnight.

He spends the night staring at your sleeping face and making silent promises that, if you forgive him, he will never let this happen again.

He thinks of how to apologize. What he could say, what he could do. 

Ultimately though, it feels like everything he could think of is too little of an apology. 

He pretends to be asleep when he sees you stir and decides to let you choose if you want to forgive him on your own.

You will have to approach him first. 

He thinks losing his temper with you was unacceptable and feels like he has no right to ask for your forgiveness.

Worse, he’s terrified of not being given forgiveness.

Thus, I feel a fight with Diavolo will take as long as you let it. He’s willing to suffer as long as you need him to.

Barbatos:

Barbatos doesn’t argue. He sits quietly and watches you, his responses calm but absolute.

He’s no pushover, he will defend his side, but he’s not going to enter a screaming match. It’s just not him.

You know you’ve really gotten under his skin when he offers a tight, forcefully pleasant smile.

He finally shuts down the conflict with "It's your right to feel that way just as it's mine to disagree." And leave it at that.

Post argument, he will avoid you and lock his feelings about the fight inside.

He tells himself he doesn’t have time to deal with the terrible feeling clawing at his heart and takes to his duties as an escape.

If you sleep in another room, he realizes that this isn’t a minor disagreement and he’s suddenly very distressed.

His instinct is to use his future vision. 

To scour the timelines and see how the different versions of himself handle it and to replicate the one with the most desirable outcome.

However, he stops himself. He feels it isn’t fair to you. 

You have a right to be upset about things and he doesn’t want to manipulate the situation, and by extension, you.

Thus, he must find another way to cope.

He’s always a devoted butler, but it’s not his whole life. 

He takes time for himself throughout the day and in the evenings. Unless Diavolo needs him, nights are usually his to do with as he wants.

Now, however, his identity becomes Diavolo’s butler. 

He’s constantly asking for extra work and hovering more than usual around the young lord in hopes of being given a task. 

Diavolo finds it odd and asks about it, but he brushes it off. This isn’t anyone else’s business, least of all his employer’s.

Even though Barbatos won’t tell him, Diavolo can clearly tell his friend is off.

In hopes of giving him something to distract himself with, Diavolo requests hellfire mushroom rolled cigar cookies and Barbatos jumps on the opportunity. 

Baking has always been his escape as well as his happy place. Diavolo’s favorite isn’t easy to make, so he looked forward to the task.

And it worked. Keeping track of the ingredients, the steps, and the technique required was enough to occupy his mind.

But then it was time to wait for it to bake. 

He suddenly feels trapped in the suffocating silence of the kitchen.

His mind replays the argument on repeat as he falls down a rabbit hole of what ifs.

He loves you more than anything and the last thing he could ever want is for you to be mad at him.

No, the worst thing would to no longer be able to call you his.

Suddenly, he becomes aware of the sharp scent of burnt food.

He jumps up and runs to the oven. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed the timer go off.

He pulls the blackened desert out, puts the cookie sheet on the stove top, and just stares at the burnt cookies.

His sight blurs and a soft sob escapes from the prison he’s created in his heart.

He wasn’t crying because he burnt the cookies, but because they were a visual representation of everything he’s been trying to suppress.

Once he collects himself, he knows he can’t continue like this. 

He doesn’t want to invade your space in case you’re still mad, but he needs a resolution.

He’ll send a quick text and silently begs you to respond. 

“MC, I understand if you are still upset with me, but would you be willing to talk though it? I look forward to hearing from you.”

If you still sleep with him that night, it is a great weight off of his shoulders. 

He hopes it means that it will be easier to make up with you and that you aren’t too mad.

When you wake up, he will be watching you like he has all night with a small, tired smile. 

He’ll put on your favorite tea as you get ready for the day then asks if you’d be willing to talk things over.

Because of how it affects both his job and himself, a fight with Barbados will not last long. He’ll seek a resolution by one, maybe two days tops.

Solomon: 

Lucifer may be the avatar of pride, but Solomon can certainly give the demon a run for his money.

In the moment of a particularly heated argument, he absolutely will not admit he’s wrong. 

In fact, he really doesn’t consider it a possibility.

There’s no point in trying to get him to see your side until things have calmed down. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

He won’t yell, but he gets a pissy, condescending tone and almost talks down to you.

If you really push his buttons, his patience with this “useless” argument runs out.

“Oh please, listen to yourself! You’re acting like a dull child!”

Freezes as soon as it leaves his mouth.

He didn’t mean to say that.

He opens his mouth to apologize immediately, but upon seeing your hurt reaction he becomes flustered and can’t get the words out.

He’ll simply turn and leave. 

He’s absolutely furious with himself. 

Solomon is old and wise. He’s seen many things, been many places, and he knows many things.

Sometimes though, he needs a reminder that he doesn’t know everything.

Even if he still feels he was right, he knows name-calling is unacceptable.

In fact, he doesn’t miss the irony that he was the one being childish. 

His self-fury is replaced by overwhelming worry if you sleep in another room that night.

Of all the treasures he’s come across, none were as precious as you. 

He can’t stand the thought of losing you because of his thoughtlessness.

For once, he feels like an idiot.

He locks himself in his study that night and brainstorms on how to make it up to you.

He decides to approach you in the morning at RAD. He’s terrified that you think he actually meant the insult and wants to clear the air as soon as possible.

He’s afraid of you taking anything less than his highest praise to heart or for you to think that he views you as below himself. 

The thought of how he must have made you feel makes him sick to his stomach.

The more he thinks about it, the more his body demands that he act. 

While he has many virtues, patience is not high on his list. 

Assuming you returned to The House of Lamentation that night, he’ll text Asmo to explain what happened and asks if he’d let him in first thing in the morning.

Thus, when you leave to head for breakfast, be careful not to trip over your sorcerer who’s seated against the wall outside of your room.

He scrambles to his feet, his hair and clothes a mess and bags heavy under his eyes.

“MC! Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I just- *sighs* I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Would you be willing to discuss the matter again? The right way this time.”

If you do sleep with him, he’s at least relieved that you don’t seem like you plan to leave him.

Once again, however, he wants to clear the air as soon as he can.

You’ll both be sitting in silence as you get ready for bed. He’s clearly lost in thought, his eyes focused unblinking on his feet and any movements slow and disjointed.

He's not sure how to apologize, if it's too soon, and is afraid to make things worse if it's not an appropriate time.

However, seeing you move about the room he decides to risk it so he doesn't risk losing you.

Suddenly, he stands up straight and locks eyes with you.

“MC, we don’t have to talk about the fight tonight, but I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry.”

It’s up to you if you want to forgive him immediately, but he will at least apologize for the insult as soon as he gathers his thoughts.

Simeon:

If you yell at him, Simeon is just gonna sit there stunned

Your relationship is usually as laid back as he is, so he doesn't know what to do with you blowing up at him.

All he knows it that this is bad and he needs to find a way to make you happy again. 

The thought of losing you takes precedence over everything and, though he will not sway to your side just because you’re upset, the argument loses any worth it had to him.

He’ll go to Solomon almost immediately in hopes your fellow human might know better about how arguments are resolved between human couples.

He becomes very distressed when Solomon says everyone handles it differently. He then asks what he should to make up with you specifically.

He doesn't have a defined emotion right now, he's just on edge. He wants to gather information first and foremost so he can figure out what to do from there.

He’s just a walking ball of anxiety and those close to the angel even become concerned. No one has seen him like this before.

If you decide to sleep in another room, the anxiety just takes over. 

His chest feels like fiery chains are crushing his ribs, he can hear his heart is hammering in his head, and his body begins to shake as if he were buried in an avalanche.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying as he struggles to breathe.

Solomon had expected something like this may happen so he made sure to be nearby to help coach him though it.

Once he’s calmed down, Solomon urges him to talk to you as soon as possible.

Simeon isn't sure though. True, he wasn't in a good place, but he didn't want to push you if you weren't ready to talk.

He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t feel like he can think let alone coherently tell you how he feels.

He begins to feel overwhelmed again and decides to try writing down his thoughts in hopes of it helping him sort through the tsunami of emotions consuming him.

While it doesn't completely calm him down, it does help.

He stares down at the messy, tear blotted papee and has an idea.

The next morning you should expect to find a hand-written letter slipped under you door.

The letter is long and and rambling. His usually pristine handwriting is as shaky as his hands were when writing it.

It's not as dense and heartbroken as his original one, but the further it goes the more desperate his words become.

He writes about how much you mean to him and apologizes for allowing things to get that intense. He writes that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. 

He reminisces about his favorite memories of you two together more than once.

Finally, that no disagreement you two could ever have is more importantly to him than being with you.

It's really just a collection of everything sitting on his heart at the moment.

That day at RAD he’ll watch you from the sidelines and pray you approach him about the letter so you two can work things out.

If you still sleep in his bed, he’ll be very conflicted about if he should approach you yet. 

He’s afraid of making it worse if you’re still mad.

However, Simeon is an open book when it comes to his emotions so you will absolutely be able to tell that he’s freaking out.

So please, save the man a terrible night and talk it though with him.

He wants you to not be angry anymore, but even if you’re still upset just having concrete information to cling to will help him immensely. 

He’s thinking of all the worst case scenarios and needs reassurance that the relationship isn’t over.

Simeon will try to make up within a day, so however long it lasts after that is up to you.

Luke (MC is his best friend):

Luke will be very, very distressed. 

You’re his best friend aside from Simeon. Friends don’t fight like this, right?

Wait, so if you’re fighting with him, does that mean you’re not his friend anymore???

As soon as the thought enters his mind, he decides that must be the case. 

Real friends don’t fight with each other like this.

Externally he takes a “I don’t need a lousy human like you for a friend anyway” attitude. 

He’s not just testy with you though, anyone who interacts with him that day learns that chihuahuas bite.

Simeon immediately realizes something isn’t right and is very concerned.

As soon as he asks him what’s wrong, Luke's mask of anger is discarded and he tosses himself in the older angel’s arms crying hysterically.

He doesn’t want to lose you for a friend.

I doubt Luke has ever truly argued with someone so this uncharted territory is earth shattering to him.

Simeon, as he tries to calm Luke, he will text you and ask you to come to wherever they are immediately.

Because of Simeon’s intervention, the fight will only go undiscussed for a few hours max.

Again, sorry if I don’t know these characters as well as I’d like yet. Thank you for reading! 

#obey me #obeyme #obey me shall we date #obey me diavolo #obey me diavolo x reader #obey me diavolo x mc #obey me barbatos #obey me barbatos x mc #obey me barbatos x reader #Obey me solomon #obey me solomon x reader #obey me solomon x mc #obey me simeon #obey me simeon x reader #obey me simeon x mc #obey me luke #obey me undateables #obey me headcanons

[queen0fm0nsterz]

For some unexplainable reason I want to hear you tell us about the pretender

MASTERPOST

HUUHUHUHUUUU I SEE MY HYPNOSIS WORKED /lh

Thank you for this ask anon dear, we're getting straight into it. There is so many interesting things about the Pretender that I simply can't understand how she's so underrated. We're talking Lady & Six levels of character depth, people!

First off, I want to quote two asks I recently got about her that perfectly encapsulate the two sides of the Pretender as a character.

@gennethapang and @harmonia-n-gropius, thank you both so much for these. Both of you completely nailed it.

There is this duality in her.

On one end, she's a rich, spoiled kid. She gets upset when one of her dolls in not perfectly placed and has no problem throwing trantrums, or hands, over things others would consider as minimal. She is most definetely tied to the Eye, see as it's referenced in literally every single room and surroundings of the Nest, but most importantly, she has adults ready to listen to her every whim. Instead of being chased after or attacked by the monsters, the Butler patiently follows her every order, while the Craftsman works day and night to make sure she is costantly provided with beautiful, perfect dolls.

She has a stable roof over her head. She has toys, food, a safe bed, a home. She doesn't need to worry about survival and fighting for her life every day. What's more, she's wealthy: her family is rich enough for her to be living in a gigantic mansion.

When compared to the other children, she is privileged. But, she remains a child, and children can never have a good life in the Little Nightmares world.

The Pretender doesn't have any real friends. Other children don't interact with her out of fear, most likely because of her powers and appearence. Her parents are divorced; what's worse, her father hanged himself - and she knows of this, we can tell by the painting of the man hanging. Her mother isn't around, either. She left her behind. This kid has been abandoned by literally everyone. The Butler and the Craftsman are there, but they are employees, not friends and definetely not family. They provide for her material needs, but not so much for her emotional ones.

I don't blame her for wanting someone to genuinely love and care her. It's understandable, honestly. However, we are also shown that she doesn't have any idea how to form an healthy friendship; the statue is most definitive proof of it. She wants to be worshipped, maybe because that's the only way she knows.

Which... is odd. Because where would she learn such a thing? From her parents I presume, which makes me think.

Mh.

MH.

And this is where I would digress normally, but I have to say that the Pretender has a lot in common with both the Lady and the Thin Man.

It's almost like she's a fusion of the two, really. The Lady's vanity, and the Thin Man's loneliness, smacked into one single depressed child with evident parent issues. Even her powers almost seem like a fusion of theirs: the Thin Man takes away the body, leaving glitching remains behind, and the Lady absorbs the soul, with only the body left. When put together, you get both, thus leaving nothing behind, which is exactly what the Pretender does.

(Also, the effect she had on RCG when she let out that scream was very similar to the one Mono has on Six when he yelled in the tower.)

And look. I know what you're thinking. I don't want to go there.

The theory stating the Lady & the Thin Man are her parents is an interesting one and completely valid, but I don't exactly agree with it.

It's mostly the "Thin Man is the father" bit that throws me off, because in order for him to have a daughter he should be able to leave the Tower, which I think goes against the entire ending of LN 2. The thing is that he can't leave, nor grow. He's bound to stay the same, always and ever, in the same dark room until he's outlived his usefulness and replaced.

There is a way, tecnically, but if I talked about it to y'all you would think I've finally lost my mind

BUT. I will admit both of their presences are strong in the Nest. However, it's also true the Lady's is infintely more evident than the Thin Man's. The Ladies are in their little jack-in-the-boxes, all with their different rooms and stories. Plus, the Pretender's hairstyle... it does vaguely resemble the Lady's. It's as if she tried to imitate her, with the little ponytail on top and all that make up. Be a grown up, you know? Another thing they have in common would be the dolls, which they use to live out their forms of escapism in the safety of their own quarters.

When RCG has to sneak past the Pretender, it sort of resembles the Runaway sneaking past the Lady. The final scenes of the two games are also very similar; the two main characters accidentally surprise them in a moment of vulnerability while leaving the location, the antagonists let out an ear-piercing shriek that affects their surroundings in some way (RCG is frozen from shock/pain for a couple of seconds and the lights explode, leaving RK cold and in the complete darkness), then the main characters get chased until they finally die at the hands of their respective tormentor.

Finally, one last thing before we go on: going back to the Lady and her dolls. The one she was stroking was the only one with eyes so clear.

...Like the Pretender's.

And before anyone comes to me and says, "But they look nothing alike!": the Pretender is albino. Of course she's not gonna look like the Lady - infact, if she is her daughter, she ended up looking the exact opposite.

TLDR for this whole section: I'm willing to believe the Lady could be the Pretender's mother, however I'm hesitant on the whole "Thin Dad" aspect.

About her character design... she's a green coded character. While that is interesting in it of itself, I noticed it's a specific shade of green I've touched on before.

Voilà.

...Ladies Agenda aside, as I said before, the fact the Pretender is a green coded character is pretty interesting.

You see, green as a color is oftenly associated with kindness, generosity and compassion - but also envy, jealousy and greed. People with "green personalities" have a tendency of caring for others and, because they dislike conflict, more often than not they become people pleasers. They're intelligent and have a great need to love and be loved in return.

... That doesn't sound a lot like the Pretender, though, which is why I thought it was interesting. Who knows, maybe the green she wears rappresents the person she wants to be percieved as? Or maybe, the person she could have been had her life been different? Who knows. As usual, food for thought!

Thank you all for asking about the Pretender! I had tons of fun writing this <3

#little nightmares #little nightmares 2 #ln theory #ln meta #little nightmares theory #very little nightmares #vln theory #the pretender #ln the pretender #vln the pretender #ln the lady #the lady #ln the thin man #the thin man #rcg #the runaway kid #PRENTMNDER MY BELOVED #I LOVE HER SO MUCH GRRRRR DAUGHTER #BABY #I HOLD HER IN MY HAND LOVINGLY LIKE A LIDDOL CRETHEC

[therealvinelle]

I've always wondered this, but what do you think the Cullen's political viewpoints would be, given their individual backgrounds? if vampires don't change after they turn, then surely they would all be extremely racist (especially Jasper). would this not come up at some point? they aren't like the Volturi because the Volturi are too old to care, but the Cullens are young enough that they have been brought up with opinions on stuff like sexism, racism, homophobia and the like.

Oh fuck.

You get an early answer because otherwise I'll just chicken out and delete this one, pretend I never saw it.

UMMM.

Since I'm guessing you meant American political viewpoints, we need a disclaimer. I am not American, and not too knowledgeable about your politics. Not just in the sense that I don't follow the day-to-day drama, but as I am not an American citizen there are several things I don't know, can't know because I've never lived in your country and therefore can't know what the effects of living in a country ruled by American policies is like. What I do know is based off of the news in the foreign section, social media (by which I mean tumblr posts), and Trevor Noah's Daily Show.

I am an outsider looking in.

Which is really rather appropriate, since the Cullens are too.

The Cullens go to high school and college, Carlisle works, they pay taxes, they own real estate, and submerge themselves in American culture. Esme, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, and Bella are young enough that this is in many ways their world, and apart from timeouts they've more or less spent their entire lives, human and vampire, integrated into American society.

Not fully integrated, mind you, they do what they need to to fit in and get to school or, in Carlisle’s case, to work. They go no further. No extra-curriculars for the kids, no book clubs for Esme, no game nights for Carlisle. They walk parallel to humans, not among us.

In addition to this they're obscenely rich, which puts them another thousand miles from the experiences of your average American. They won't deal with the health system, which means healthcare is a non-issue, they're not going to need welfare or other social programs, unemployment is another non-issue. Name your issue, and the Cullens don't have personal stake in it. Even the climate crisis won't be a problem for them the way it will for us.

What I'm trying to say is, American political issues are a concept to them, not a lived reality. Just like they are for me. So hey, you made a great choice of blog to ask.

I'll also add here that you say the Volturi are too old to care, and I agree- from an ancient's point of view, racism is a matter of "which ethnicity are we hating today?", and it all looks rather arbitrary after a while. Same with every other issue - after a while it all just blends together into "what are the humans fighting over today? Which Christian denomination is the correct one? Huh. Good for them, I guess."

I can't put it any better than this post did, really. The Volturi are real people, humans are nerds and tumblr having Loki discourse. Aro thinks it's delightful and knows entirely too much about Watergate (and let's be real, Loki discourse as well), but the point I wanted to get at is that politics really don't matter to vampires.

And I don't think they matter to the Cullens either.

So, moving on to the next point while regretting I didn't put headlines in this post, I'll just state that I don't think vampires' minds are frozen. Their brains are unable to develop further, and they can never forget anything, but... well, this isn't the post for that, but in order for this to be true of vampires they would barely be sentient. They would not be able to process new impressions, to learn new things, nor to have an independent thought process. Yes, we see vampires in-universe (namely, Edward, who romanticizes himself and vampires) believe they're frozen and can never change, but there is no indication that this is a widespread belief, or even true. Quite the contrary - Carlisle went from a preacher's son who wanted to burn all the demons to living in Demon Capital for decades and then becoming a doctor and making a whole family of demons. Clearly, the guy has had a change in attitude over the years. Jasper, in his years as a newborn army general, slowly grew disenchanted with his life and developed depression. James initially meant to kill Victoria and hunted her across the earth, then became fascinated and changed his mind about it.

Had these people been incapable of change, Carlisle would still be hating demons, Jasper would be in Maria's army, and James would still be hunting Victoria.

It goes to follow, then, that they are able to adapt to new things.

The question is, would they?

Here I finally answer your question.

So, we have these people who don't really have any kind of stake in politics, who keep up to date all the same (or are forcibly kept up to date because high school) and are generally opinionated people.

Where do they then fall, politically?

(And this is where you might want to stop reading, anon, because I'm about to eviscerate these people.)

Alice votes for whoever's gonna win. She also makes a fortune off of betting each election. Trump's 1 to 10 victory in 2016 was a great day to be Alice. MAGA!

The actual policies involved are completely irrelevant, she does this because it's fun. Election means she gets to throw parties. Color coded parties for the Republican and Democratic primaries, and US-themed parties for Election Night! (Foreigner moment right here: I at first wrote "Election wake" before realizing that's not what y'all murricans call it.)

Alice loves politics. Doesn't know the issues, but she sure loves politics.

Bella votes Democrat. She actually knows about the issues, and cares about them. This girl is a Democrat through and through.

Carlisle doesn't vote. I can't imagine it feels right. Outside of faked papers he's not a US citizen, this is meddling in human affairs that he knows don't concern him.

More, this guy has never lived in a democracy.

In life, Carlisle lived under an absolute monarchy that, upon civil war, became an absolute theocracy. From there he learned that vampires live under a total dictatorship.

For the first 150 years of his life, democracy was that funky thing the Athenians did in history books thousands of years ago, no more relevant to him than the Ancient Egyptian monarchy is to me. Then the Americans, and later other European countries started doing this.

Good for them.

There's this mistake often made by those who view history from a... for lack of a better term, a solipsistic standpoint. A belief that the present day is the culmination of all of history. “My society is the best society, the most reasonable society; all the others had it backwards. Thank god we’re living in this enlightened age!”

The faith in our current system of government is one such belief. We (pardon me if this doesn’t apply to everybody reading this post) have grown up in democracies, being told this is the ultimate form of rule, and perhaps that is true - but remember the kings who have told their subjects they had were divine and the best possible ruler based on that. Remember also that most modern democracies haven’t actually been democracies for very long at all, America is the longest standing at some 230 years (not long at all in the grand scope of things) and they have a fracturing two-party system to show for it.

Every society, ever, has been told they’re the greatest, and their system of government the most just. Democracy is only the latest hit.

This is relevant to Carlisle because he’s immortal and decidedly not modern. Democracy has not been installed in him the way it was the rest of the Cullens, Jasper included. To him- well, it’s just not his world. He has no stakes in our human politics, and as he is older than every current democracy and has seen quite a few of them fall, he’s not going to internalize the democratic form of rule the way a modern human has.

I think the concept of voting is foreign to him.

It requires a level of participation in human society that he’s simply not at. He does the bare minimum to appear human so he do the work he loves, but nothing more, and I find that telling.

As it is I think he'd be iffy about his family doing it. He won’t stop them, but in voting they’re... well it’s kind of cheating. They’re not really citizens, none of this will affect them, and by voting they’re drowning out the votes of real human voters. He does not approve.

Edward votes Democrat. He's... well he’s the kind of guy who will oil a girl’s bedroom window so he can more easily watch her sleep without being discovered, justifying it to himself as being okay because if she were to tell him to get lost he’d stop immediately. Same guy is so sure that he’d leave and never return again if she wanted him to, except this is the man who returned to Forks to hang around his singer, knowing there was a significant chance he might kill her. To say nothing of his Madonna/Whore complex, or of the fact that he tried to pimp out his wife twice, and was willing to forcibly abort her child.

This guy is very much in love with chivalry, with being an enlightened and feminist man who supports and respects women, while not understanding the entire point of feminism, which is female liberation.

He votes Democrat because he’s such an enlightened feminist who cares about women’s rights.

Emmett doesn’t care to vote, but if he has to he votes Republican. The guy is from the 1930′s, and has major would-be-the-uncle-who-cracks-racist-jokes-if-he-was-older vibes.

Esme doesn’t vote, that would require getting out of the house.

More, I just... can’t see it. I can’t see her being one to read up on politics and The Issues, period, but if she has to then I doubt she’d be able to decide.

Jasper doesn’t vote. Alice can have her fun, he does not care.

There’s also the whole can of worms regarding the last time he went to bat for American politics.

I imagine he stays out of this.

Renesmée doesn't vote. She has no stock in the human affairs. Who would she vote for, on what grounds? When Bella tries to pull her to the urns, she points out that she's three years old.

Rosalie, guys, I’m sorry, but that girl is definitely gonna vote Republican. Perhaps not right now as it’s become the Trump party of insanity, but the Mitt Romney type of Republicans? Oh yes.

And for the record, yes I imagine she does vote. To step back from politics would be another way she was relinquishing her humanity, and that’s not allowed to happen. So, yes, she goes to the urns, less for the sake of the politics involved and more because like this, she’s still a part of society in some way.

Now, onto why I think she’s Republican, I think it’s both fiscal and social.

This girl was the daughter of a banker who somehow profited off of the Depression, and who then became part of a family with no material needs that would soon become billionaires thanks to Alice. Poverty to Rosalie is a non-issue, as it is I imagine she views it as a much lesser issue than what she’s had to deal with. The humans can pull themselves up by their bootstraps, Rosalie’s infertility is forever.

Rosalie’s empathy is strongest when she’s able to project onto others, and she won’t be able to project onto the less fortunate at all.

Then there’s the fact that the Republican party is all about traditional family values, and pro-life.

Rosalie, a woman from the 1930′s who idolizes her human life and who‘d love nothing more than to get to live out this fantasy, is down for that. And as of Breaking Dawn she’s vocally pro-life, so there’s that.

This all being said I don’t think Rosalie cares to sit down and fully understand these politics she’s voting for, the possible impact they’ll have- that’s not important. What’s important is what voting does for her.

TL;DR: I bet anon regrets asking.

#long post #twilight #twilight vampires #twilight meta #twilight renaissance #politics #history #twilight history #carlisle cullen #alice cullen #bella swan #renesmée cullen #jasper hale #rosalie hale #emmett cullen

[hispipsqueak]

hello I was wondering if I could make a request please? if you're comfortable with it could you write for aizawa x reader where reader is dealing with thoughts of self-harm and confesses this to him and he helps her through it? sorry if this isn't okay, but thank you if you write it

Hello! Thank you so much for this request <3 As a person who dealt a lot with these issues in the past, I definitely enjoyed writing this because it gave me comfort. I think Aizawa would be so big on mental health and I think it is such a good prompt.

Disclaimer: Obviously, I am not a therapist or a mental health professional, and all of this is based on my own experiences, so if you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm ideation, please know it does get better and seek out proper mental health resources! <3 This is purely a comfort fic.

TW: self-harm ideation (reader doesn't do it but does consider it), depression, self-blame (reader is pretty mean to themselves), mental health, hurt/fluff, cursing. SERIOUSLY. Do not read this if you feel this would trigger you. Your safety is important.

Another day. Your eyes were bleary and heavy from the night. You went to bed early, but it felt like you hadn’t slept enough. Turning to the door, you heard Shouta call from grabbing his keys and bag before he came in to press a quick kiss to your forehead.

“Heading out. Love you. Probably staying late tonight, so don’t wait up sweetheart.” You forced a smile back at him.

“Have a good day, Sho. Love you.” All too soon he was gone, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Your body felt heavy, dragging it out of bed only to go straight to the couch. You were so tired. It had been gnawing on you lately, like a black cloud over you. Shouta worked hard every day, training pro-heroes while dealing with his own hero work and YOU felt tired? It was annoying, you felt annoyed by your own mind, and guilty just for even feeling this way.

It was like you were stuck in a hamster wheel, constantly running and going nowhere and you were too tired to keep running. Days kept coming and you just needed everything to just stop for a moment. Just to let you catch your breath, but the world didn’t stop for you. You had to just toughen up.

Going to the bathroom, you looked in the mirror. You looked like a mess, your eyes hollow and lifeless. Your hair felt dull, and you wanted to avoid looking at yourself any longer. You sat on the tile floor, your back pressed against the door. Tears fell freely from your eyes, and you made no effort to wipe them away.

You just needed a break. A break from everything, a break from life. A break from being a fucking burden.

Time passed, you stayed sitting on the cold floor. Was it hours, minutes? Fuck if you knew. Catching a glimpse of Shouta’s razor left on the sink, your heart raced. You could feel the blood rushing in your ears as you stared down the silver blade.

It wouldn’t make the pain stop, but it would make it real. Fighting an invisible monster was hard, but if you had something to actually cry about, maybe you wouldn’t feel insane.

You were so tired.

You walked back to bed.

----

Shouta walked in, his body sore from being hunched over grading papers. He yawned, tossing his bag on the chair. The lights were off, and he headed to the bedroom, expecting to see you asleep. Instead you were sitting up, knees tucked under your chin, staring at the wall.

“Sweetheart, it’s late. Why are you awake?” Shouta asked, his voice catching when he saw the tear tracks on your cheeks. You sniffled, and your voice was scratchy when you spoke.

“I’m so tired, Sho. I’m sorry, I know you’re tired and I don’t even have the right to be–” You were cut off by his arms wrapped around you. Shouta was warm and somehow, feeling him there grounded you into reality. The dam in you broke and you sobbed, pressing your face into his sweater. His hold on you tightened, and finally catching your breath you pulled away slightly, refusing to meet his eyes.

He spoke first.

“Don’t ever feel like you don’t have the right to feel anything you feel. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Your voice was shaky, and low. “I don’t know. I’m tired. It feels like every day bleeds into the next and I can’t stop and just breathe for a second. I feel like I’m drowning and nobody can see me and I, I don’t know what to do. And I feel so fucking guilty because I can’t JUST not feel this way. I see things that need to be done, I have stuff I want to do and I can’t bring myself to not feel like shit. It feels pathetic and annoying and you do so much for us and all I do is complain….and I just wanted it to end today. God, I just…” your voice trailed off and you were quiet for a moment. When you spoke again your voice was softer, a murmur Shouta had to strain to hear.

“I just wanted to make it stop. If I’m gonna be miserable, I need a reason.” Your voice cracked and you swallowed hard, ashamed.

Shouta reached out for your hand slowly, caressing the soft spot between your thumb and forefinger.

“Y/N, you are the most precious thing to me in this entire world. You are never burdening me, never annoying me, and you never need a ‘reason’ to justify your feelings. Every single day of my life, I choose you, I choose us. I don’t care if you have a million problems, I’m here to help you carry them. And if I can’t do it alone, we’ll work together to figure this out. I need you to talk to me though. Did you hurt yourself?”

You shook your head quickly. Shouta sighed in relief. “Did you think about hurting yourself?”

You nodded, a hiccup escaping from your lips.

He pulled you against him, practically crushing you with his weight, You could hear his heartbeat, reverberating in his chest.

“This, this is the reason we continue. Every day, if you’re dealing with bad feelings, bad thoughts, anything...you get right here. You get in my arms and we’ll get through it. You are not alone.”

Wrapping the blankets around the two of you, Aizawa texted Nezu to let him know he’d be out for the week. He pulled you into his chest, letting you talk your feelings out into the late night.

It wouldn’t be perfect. You would still have bad feelings, and negative thoughts that chipped away at you. But you wouldn’t be alone. It wouldn’t consume you.

You weren’t a burden.

#pip asks #aizawa x reader #tw sh #tw depression #aizawa comfort

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

How do you think the Cullen's would have turned out if they lived their natural human lives and not forever frozen at an age / the state they were in? For example I think Carlisle would always be kind and tame but perhaps not as idealistic. Rose might grow bitter of the world since even if Royce didn't assault her I can't imagine he would be the loving husband she wanted. Edward, who watched his parents die and was dying himself, might not be as moody and miserable. Who knows about Jasper and Alice and Esme. Emmett would probably stay the same. Bella, if she never met the supernatural, probably would just be a quiet old soul but otherwise not mal adjusted. I can't even guess about Renesmee haha since she has no personality next to being ~inhumanly special.

I mean, sadly, we know the answer: they wouldn't be around very long and would have died miserably. There's no such thing as a natural human life, well, I suppose you can die of old age, but the fate of the Cullens didn't have that in store.

But let's get into it just the same.

Alice

Had James not come across Alice, she likely still would have been turned at some point by her maker, who seems to have been very fond of her. It was just a matter of time. The difference being that, instead of being a newborn completely on her own, her maker would have been there. This is an Alice very unlikely to see Jasper or the Cullens in her future, though who knows, Carlisle and her maker might very well cross paths someday due to the similarity of their work.

But I doubt Alice would ever end up on the diet.

For Alice to remain human, she can never have been sent to that asylum. In which case we have two options a) she's not sent to an asylum b) she's sent to a different asylum.

In the first case, Alice is more than likely murdered by her father. This is what got her sent off in the first place: she was running around town claiming that her father had murdered her mother and now planned to murder her. To shut the hysterical woman up, her father sent her to an insane asylum. Which effectively got her out of his life just as he wished.

If that didn't occur to him, then yes, Alice likely falls gravely ill or has some unfortunate accident that she cannot prevent.

Otherwise, Alice is sent to some other insane asylum, likely still loses all her memories due to electroshock therapy, and probably dies very young due to poor health conditions. The life she does live is utterly miserable.

Bella

Bella dies in a parking lot, she's hit by a truck out of control. Otherwise, Bella dies in Port Angeles, she's raped and her body abandoned in a dumpster. Otherwise, Bella is eaten by a vampire.

And if Bella miraculously survives all of that, I imagine her struggle with depression continues throughout high school and into college. In college, she may meet someone who catches her interest, in which case she becomes completely codependent on them for a sense of validation (as she did Edward and Jacob in canon).

The relationship is a toxic mess, ends in a very messy breakup, and Bella goes through her New Moon phase a bit later. She might finally get therapy and survive this very dangerous phase in her life, at which point, she finally starts the slow recovery from depression.

I imagine Bella will be struggling with depression though for all of her life and, if left untreated, it might very well kill her.

Carlisle

Had Carlisle not been turned this means the vampire likely drained him. Carlisle dies at the head of the mob, this sentences the other Cullens to death as well as now no one will turn them.

Let's say Carlisle wasn't as fast that day. He had a leg cramp, or something. Not being well in front of the others, he's not hit by the vampire first. This increases his chances of death, as the vampire seems to have killed the rest he took a bite of, but he could survive.

Carlisle lives with the haunting guilt that the one time he tracks down a true demon he brought death to his parish. Several died due to his actions, the demon got away, and now there's no sign of it. Carlisle completely and utterly failed.

This is probably the final straw for Carlisle. Demons exist, but they are beyond his capacity to hunt, this is a job for God and not mere mortal men. He stops the demon hunts, stops the witch hunts, and focuses himself strictly on helping the community and preaching.

He lives knowing his father would have continued to be sorely disappointed in everything he does.

Carlisle likely marries within a few years, now that his father is dead and he's the established head of the parish. He may or may not like his wife all that much, but he has a responsibility, and having a wife and children is one of those. I imagine that they either are somewhat fond of each other or quietly tolerate one another.

If Carlisle has a son, the son is trained as a priest, sent to seminary as he was, and set to inherit the parish. If he has only daughters, then it will be her husband who will inherit the parish.

When Carlisle dies he is likely remembered very fondly by the parish for the good he did for the community. No one talks about the demon hunting disaster. He's buried next to his father.

Edward

Edward dies of the Spanish Influenza in 1918.

Had he never caught it, and thus never come across Carlisle, I imagine he lives a somewhat ordinary life. He goes to university somewhere very well established, perhaps even one of the Ivy League schools, I can see him training to become a lawyer. He either joins his father's law firm or, if his father's not a lawyer, some law firm in Chicago where he does quite well for himself.

He probably courts then marries some affluent, well to do, woman who hits all the checkmarks he expects from society. They probably get on quite well.

The market then crashes in 1929, when Edward's only 29 years old, and Edward gets to live through the depression. Edward may be lucky enough to retain his wealthy, however, he very well could not have been. Edward is now unemployed, destitute, and miserable just like the rest of the country.

I imagine this is very hard on him, he becomes very bitter and resentful, and as he desperately tires to find work it just gets worse. Edward becomes mired in cynicism.

Then the war hits, Edward is now 41, and he's too old to enlist in the army. He feels a sense of nostalgic bitterness that, once again, he can't go fight the good fight and has to cheer from the sidelines. Nonetheless, the economy starts to recover thanks to the war, Edward recovers with it and things get better.

Edward lives his ordinary human life and, perhaps, lives to sometime in the 1990's.

Emmett

Emmett is eaten by bears.

Had he not happened to be in the mountains that day then, likely, some other unfortunate accident would have befallen him. He's a mountain man, that's a dangerous life.

He gets eaten by bears, eaten by mountain lions, injured somehow and then dies, hit by a tree that he cut down, there are so many possibilities.

If he does live to an older age then he becomes the gruff mountain man stereotype that we all know. I imagine he remains a very friendly, cheerful, man, probably marries some local girl and has a very large family.

Esme

Esme kills herself. With the death of her child, that was the path she chose, and had she not been turned she would have been successful.

However, had her child lived, I imagine her life would have continued on the path it was on. She would have been a single mother, working as a teacher, and raising her child.

They would have been poor, but Esme seemed determined to make this work, and was doing an excellent job at it.

Perhaps, in time, she would meet the right man and remarry. However, I think that would take a lot of time as the whole issue was that she was hung up on the ideal of Dr. Carlisle Cullen who she met when she was sixteen and never saw again.

Regardless, she's far more of a real person grounded in reality than Esme the vampire ever was.

Jasper

Had Jasper not come across Maria, he likely would have died in the war. Many, many, people died in the civil war, and Jasper would be far from alone in that.

If not, he would have returned to the ravaged south, and likely found himself facing unemployment and very difficult times for wherever he came from.

Jasper would likely pull through, we know he has lived through hell in canon and pulled through there, though changed for life by the horrors of the civil war that will now never quite leave him.

Renesmee

Renesmee is never born. Her father is a demon a hundred years older than her mother. There is no chance that Bella becomes pregnant with Edward's human child, let alone his vampire child.

If Bella does become pregnant with a vampire child, she's likely been raped by Joham. Bella dies in confusion and agony, Renesmee is born into this world utterly alone, is picked up by Serena, and becomes yet another sister of Nahuel's.

Renesmee lives the miserable life that all of Nahuel's siblings do.

Rosalie

Rosalie is gang raped to death by Royce and his friends and dies in agony in an alley. Had she not come across Royce that night then likely, after they marry, he at some point rapes her to death and murders her.

The likelihood of Rosalie, with her parent's ambitions and her looks, of not marrying Royce is very small.

Even then, Royce is in town in general, that means all she needed was one bad night. Which, in canon, she had.

However, let's say she lives and Royce wasn't interested in her hand, she marries option number two. As you note, her marriage still likely isn't fulfilling. Rosalie is there to be beautiful and poised, to have tea with the ladies in society, and watch as a governess raises her children.

This is the world she lives in, and she accepts that, but over time she becomes increasingly bitter and resentful of this thing we call life.

TL;DR Remember, there's no escape from the pit of despair we call Twilight

#twilight #twilight meta #twilight headcanon #twilight renaissance #the cullens #alice cullen #carlisle cullen #bella swan #edward cullen #esme cullen #emmett cullen #rosalie hale #jasper whitlock #rensemee cullen #bittemoi

[strawberryspence]

when death knocks on your door

Angst/Fluff [18+] | Spencer Reid x FEM! BAU! Reader

Summary: Some trauma tears people apart, while some brings people together. SSA Doctor Spencer Reid and SSA Doctor Y/N Y/L/N is brought together by the death of SSA Emily Prentiss.

Word Count: 3,13k 

Warnings: based on the Ian Doyle/Emily Prentiss character arc so some spoilers for s6-s7. talks about death (a lot of it), mention of drug use, allusions to depression, attempted suicide (nothing graphic), mention of cancer & car crash, a few curse words, description of smut, its very vague (one part only), mentions of therapy, HAPPY ENDING (i am not a monster)

Writer's Note: Hello! A bit of a heavier topic on today's fic! I picked apart the whole Emily arc and this is written basically in the reader's perspective. I love writing angst but I can never end it with sad endings. So I hope you enjoy this, I am very proud of how it turned out! 💛

GIF is made by yours truly. Its surprisingly hard to find "purple shirt + sweater vest spencer reid" gifs.

Death.

Death.

Death comes in different shapes and forms.

For Spencer, he has seen it up close with Haley and Hotch, but never with someone in his family or close group of friends. He sees death in the form of abandonment, in ways when people leave him and a part of him goes with them.

For you, you were familiar with death. Death looms over you. You’re father dying when you were younger and then you’re mother in your teens. 

Death comes when your father was killed in a car accident involving a drunk driver. It was fast, in a blink, death sweeps him and takes him. All her father’s life and dreams gone in a second, with a crash.

Death comes when your mother was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer, the fucking bitch, takes her time. It was slow, like it was enjoying the pain. It takes and it takes till its taken everything and the last thing it has taken is your mother.

And death comes when it takes Emily Prentiss. This was your best friend, partner in crime and roommate. Her death wasn’t fast, it wasn’t slow, its painstakingly in the middle while you try to get her blood off your hands while sobbing in the SUV as Derek drives way past the legal speed to get to the hospital.

In her death, you find yourself being swallowed by something that you were not. Something bigger, something you can’t describe. The team sees this weeks after she has been buried. You were the same person, and you were a different person, all at once.

One night, when death was about to knock on your door as you hold a knife to your wrist, ready to meet Death, ready to tell him off, it is then when chance knocks on your apartment door.

Spencer is at your door, a sobbing mess with three bottles of dilaudid clenched in his hands. He stumbles in your new apartment avoiding the piles of boxes unopened. You just moved, not being able to sleep in the apartment you and Emily shared.

“I am sorry. I-I am sorry, Y/N. I didn’t know where to go. JJ was... busy and I am so close... so close.” Your heart softens at how desperate he looks, Spencer doesn’t know how strong he is to you, being able to ask for help when you were just about to end it all.

You take the bottles from him, setting it on the counter as you guide him to your couch. He clings to you as you both sit on the couch, crying and sobbing.

“Death is among us. Avoiding him is what makes us stronger." You whisper to him and he cries harder.

Something is so bitterly comforting when someone shares the same pain you are suffering. It hurts, but in a funny way, it hurts less when some shares it with you.

So you cling to Spencer as he does to you and you let it all go. You cry as much as he does as he holds you and as you hold him.

You both wake up the next day, with a full 8 hours of sleep, something you both have not had in weeks.

“Thank you.” Spencer whispers and you smile, stroking his hair, “Thank you.” You say it back at him.

You were sure that Emily is laughing at her grave. I had to die for you to finally make a move on your crush. You shake her voice off your head. Now is not the time for silly crushes.

It becomes a routine, finding comfort and safety in each others presence, Spencer almost lives in your apartment. His toothbrush sits on the cup besides yours in the bathroom counter, his clothes takes up half of your closet, his books scattered on the shelfs and his cups on the kitchen counter.

You tell yourself its platonic. Spencer tells himself its platonic. The team doesn’t say anything, only thankful that you were reverting back to your old self and Spencer is getting better.

You want more. It was hard to admit to yourself. But you wanted more with Spencer. Your little crush now growing into something bigger than yourself. You wanted futures full of him and what you have right now is not right. Shared trauma is not love.

Three months into the set up of him basically living in your apartment, you suggest therapy for both of you. You are a Doctor of Psychology and you know the percussions of what you’re doing.

Spencer is shocked but he understands. This was your territory, Spencer knows that this was the right thing to do so he agrees. You lay out all the options to Spencer, all the therapy and how both of you should change your routines more often.

It works. He stops sleeping on your bed every night (he still comes tho, just on the harder nights where he needs to hold you to remind himself that death has yet to take you).

You have breakfast together every morning, using it to comfort each other rather than sleeping together every night. It works.

The therapy helps you both as you both move on from Emily’s death. That is until seven months later.

-

Declan was missing. You’ve let the Emily case go but Derek has not, you know this and you let him. Every time you want to do something to help Derek catch Doyle, your doctorate that hangs above your couch stares back at you, like it was taunting you. You studied this, moving on was the better choice and you know it. No amount of killing Doyle would bring back Emily, no amount of it would make you feel better.

That is until Hotch gathers the team on the conference room.

“Everybody have a seat.” Hotch instructs. You all look at each other. Spencer looks at you as if asking if you knew what’s up but you only shake your head.

“Why?” Morgan asks, looking around.

“Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her—“

“What?” You squeak out. Hotch holds his hands up, asking you to hear him out first.

“She was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration. Her identity was strictly need-to-know and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.”

Spencer can see how your face pales. He reaches for your hand under the table and gives it a tight squeeze. You return the squeeze, finding comfort in his touch.

“She’s alive?” Penelope asks, tears now forming in her eyes.

“But... we buried her.” Spencer says, like its a fact. Like its the solid truth. Your hand clamps down harder on his.

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone had any issues, they should be directed to me.” Hotch says and all you can do is look at him, not able to believe anything he is saying.

“Any issues? Yeah, I got issues!” Derek’s loud voice now looming over the room.

“Oh my god.” Penelope squeaks making the whole room turn around. You turn around and you see Emily walking to the room. Your hold unto Spencer tightens, as if checking if he is real, you want any sign that this is not a dream, that this is real.

“I am so sorry. I really am. Not a day went by that I didn’t want to...” Emily explains.

Death comes and it takes, and it takes, and it takes but never has Death give someone back to you.

Emily was standing in front of you. The woman whose blood stained your hands for days, the woman you buried, the woman who’s grave you cried on for god knows how long that Derek had to physically carry you away from her grave and here she was breathing and hugging the team.

She comes in front of you and you still haven’t let go of Spencer’s hand.

“Y/N?” She says, it comes as a whisper. A whisper, coming from the ghost that has been haunting you for months. She opens her arms for a hug and you let go of Spencer to hug her.

She was real, she was solid and she’s hugging you back. So why, in the mountain of emotions you are feeling, why is happiness in the bottom of the pit? Why is anger the one screaming in your heart?

You pull away, and she hugs Spencer but as soon as she lets go, Spencer captures your hands again. Emily sees this and smiles, but doesn’t say anything.

“There’s so much I want to tell you guys, and I will. I promise. But right now I really need to know what’s going on with Declan.” The team continued to discuss Declan and Spencer holds unto your hand like its his life line. You only break apart when the team has to work again.

He gives you one look as he separates away from you, “I got you.” He says, kissing your temple before leaving to go to the interrogation room.

That was enough to calm you down.

-

The team gets Declan back safely and after all the trials, you finally had a moment to breathe.

“Hey, you doing good?” Spencer asks. You nod. He looks good, he looks like home in a purple shirt and sweater vest.

“Do you want to go home?” He asks you. You want to shout but you’re my home! You nod and he takes your scarf from your desk and wraps it around you.

“Let’s go?” You smile at him as he wraps it around you. It felt so domestic, so familiar.

You walk together to the elevator, leaving the BAU and all the piles of emotions that you’ve been through this past few days. As you both stand in the silver tin box, you see your reflection with him standing beside you, his arm around your waist and your head on his shoulder.

You wanted to scream how much you love him. But the voice in your head screams back, he doesn’t love you! It’s shared trauma! You shake your head and Spencer sees this.

“You okay? How are you feeling?” You smile up at him, as he looks at you with all the worries that a person can hold for another one.

“Yes, I am good, Spence. How about you?” He smiles and kisses the top of your head. “I am good. I just need time to process some of the things that has happened.”

Spencer drives you both home. Spencer doesn’t take the word hate lightly but Spencer hates driving. He still drives tho, for you. Holding your hand while he drives with the other, while you were staring out of the window, just watching the places blur by.

Death waits on your door and when the right time comes, it will knock. When it does, you can’t turn it away or send it away. When it knocks, it sweeps you off your feet, leaving no time for goodbyes or regrets. Ironically, Spencer walks you to your door, opening it for you and even taking your scarf off for you.

Your heart almost grows twice its size and you can feel yourself bursting in its seams. You find yourself closing the door, as if trying to block Death away from him. He smiles at you and something bursts inside of you.

“I love you, Spence.”

He drops your keys on the bowl on your hallway and he smiles, teasingly. “I love you, too, Dr. Y/L/N.” You smile but you shake your head.

“No Spence, I love you. With my whole heart... I mean, of what’s left of it. W-we need to stop, if this is only a shared trauma for you. I can’t be that... because... I love you and I want futures with you. Any kind of it, as long as you are there, every morning with a cup of hot coffee for me. If that’s not possible, we need to stop. Because my heart...” You hold unto the edge of the table for strength.

“My heart... is not strong enough to lose you and love you at the same time.” Spencer stares at you, confused with a certain spark in his eyes.

“W-why are you saying this now?”

“Because death is at everyone’s door. Emily is lucky. But what if it takes me tonight, or tomorrow? I don’t want to die without telling you that I love you.” You say, bracing yourself for the impact of the rejection.

Spencer walks to you, holding your waist to steady you.

“I love you, more than anything in this world. I have love you even before Emily died. This isn’t shared trauma, it’s been love way before that. If it's anything, it made my love for you grow deeper. You... helped me heal. You pushed me to go to therapy. You made me stronger, Y/N.” Spencer holds your face and brings you into his arms and you clung unto him as he hugs you.

“I love you... I love you so much.” You whisper to him and he hugs you as close as humanly possible.

Spencer lets go of you but cups your face to lift it closer to his face. Spencer kisses you like it was the last time you can ever kiss him. It felt like a fever dream you once had. The fire of the kiss fills in the cracks in your heart, slowly but surely healing it all at once.

Life, the direct opposite of death, has always been hard to describe. Death was easy to describe for you but Life? it was a struggle. But with Spencer kissing you, as he holds your hand and your face, so tenderly like you were going to break, you finally realize what life is supposed to be. It felt good being alive, it felt good to be breathing.

You and Spencer sleep together for the first time that night. It is in one word, unbelievable. It was as if the universe has planned it all along to teach you what it felt to be alive, as he pushes himself inside you, whispering nothing but sweet praises and promises of futures together in your ear. You wake up, hours after making love, tangled with him and the bed sheets, with you in his arms.

“I love you.” You whisper to him, brushing through his hair as he sighs to your touch, snuggling more to the crook of your neck.

-

The morning comes in a breathe. Easy and fast. You wake up earlier than Spencer, untangling yourself from him to make him his daily morning coffee.

A knock comes and it almost makes you drop his mug. Looking up at the clock, it was only 7 in the morning. The thought disappears as another knock comes. You open the door and today life offers you Emily Prentiss.

“Hey, good morning.” She says with a smile, you give it back, still not used to seeing her, alive.

“Hey.” You smile looking at her as you let her enter.

“Pen said you had my boxes.” She looks around on the apartment. “Its not here. Its on the garage downstairs. Do you want it right now?” She nods. “Oh. Uhm, the team actually helped me move it there, its a little heavy...”

“Okay... I’ll get the team to help me later.” You nod but don’t say anything and the silence is so loud, it’s deafening.

“Can we talk?” Emily asks, in a gentle voice. Almost like she’s talking to a toddler. You shake your head. “We can, but not today... I need to process some things first and I need help with it. We can talk this weekend, after my therapy.”

“Therapy?” She repeats. You nod. “Therapy.” She bites down her lips, you know Emily enough to know that she feels bad about it.

“I know it’s not your fault, Em. I understand, but I just... need time. I... buried you. I cried on your grave and for months, I had to accept the fact that you were... dead.” Emily nods, opens her arms for a hug and you gladly accept it.

“I’ll give you as much time as you need. You are my bestfriend and I love you.” You nod and hug her tightly, reminding yourself that she was alive, and that was what’s important.

The hug was cut short when Spencer comes out of your bedroom half naked.

“Spencer?!” Emily almost screams as she pulls away from the hug.

“O-oh... I-I didn’t know you were here...” He says as he slowly backs up the door and picks up a shirt to wear.

“When did this happened!?” Emily is definitely losing her mind now.

“Uh... Last night?” You said, not exactly sure as to when it started. Emily’s mouth drops in surprise and Spencer can only smile at her offering her a cup. “Coffee?” Spencer says with a smile and a shrug that makes both you and Emily laugh.

Emily doesn’t stay long after that, opting to leave the two of you to spend some time together. Spencer and you end up in the couch, huddled together in a huge blanket you both knitted together with cups of coffee in hands.

“So... Are you officially moving in with me?” Spencer looks down at you. The steam of the coffee colouring your cheeks a bright pink colour.

“Do you want me to?” He asks, smiling at you. Spencer loves you, in ways he didn’t know he possibly can and he’d give you anything you want. You could ask for the stars and Spencer would build a rocket just to get a few to give to you (even if he knows it was impossible because, well, stars are made of gas.)

“I want you everywhere. You... are my home.” You say softly, as your hands caress his cheeks.

“Then, I am moving here, love.” He says as he kisses your forehead and you lean unto him as you wrap the blanket tighter around each other.

“I love you.” He says as you lay your head on his chest and he brings you closer to him. You smile and whisper it back. “I love you more.”

Most people say that time heals pain. It, truthfully, does not. Love does, love in the corniest way possible, mends your soul in ways that are not physically possible.

When Death knocks on your door it will be in different shapes and forms, but so will love and for you, love came in the shape and form of Spencer Reid.

-

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #mgg fanfiction #mgg fic #mgg x reader #mgg x y/n #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fic #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer x you #spencer x reader #mgg blurb #mgg oneshot #mgg angst #spencer reid angst #spencer reid and reader #spencer x y/n #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds angst #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds fluff #spencer imagine #imagine spencer reid #spencer reid fandom

[alirhi]

okay. let's do this shit.

Guess what, bitches? Mama bear's back and angry all over again. Remember when I said I might dive into a ragepost about how Bucky's treated after completing the one about Loki? This is it. This is the post. Welcome to fucking Thunderdome.

I will actually try to keep it civil. No promises, but I'll try. and I will not be accepting "constructive criticism" about my rage. Just so we're clear.

Got it? Good. Let's dive in.

In case you don't want to read the whole thing (I know I get wordy) here's what this whole post will boil down to: BUCKY NEVER HAD A FUCKING CHOICE. NEVER. NOT ONCE IN HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.

Now, quick reminder: I don't read comics. I know nothing about Bucky's comic canon, except what Sebastian liked to bring up as often as possible during TWS/CW promotions: at some point, Bucky boned Nat. XD Since Bucky only exists as a Marvel property, I won't be bitching about other source material being disrespected like I did with Loki. This is all MCU, my dudes. And honestly? That's enough, because though we don't see nearly enough of Bucky for my liking, we do manage to get a rich, deep backstory to him in the material we're given, partly thanks to better writing in the early days of the MCU, and partly thanks to Sebastian Stan's phenomenal acting. Unlike the writers of the Loki series, Seb knows how to show, not tell. And gods, what stories those eyes show...

Let's start with the army. In an old post illustrating what an absolute BAMF Bucky Barnes truly is, I mistakenly said he enlisted, and a kind soul educated me on the incredible attention to detail Marvel used to pay - in this case, Bucky's ID number. 32557038. As this kind, eagle-eyed soul pointed out to me, the first two digits of that number - 32 - signify that Bucky was drafted, specifically from the NY, NJ, DE area (that last part is rather obvious, as Bucky and Steve are from Brooklyn lol). Bucky didn't choose to go to war. He was drafted. He was forced to fight, or go to prison.

Bucky was born in 1917, which means - again, as someone pointed out to me a while back - he came of age during the Great Depression. As a child, he would likely have seen his parents living comfortably and able to shower each other and him and his sister with gifts and fun memories, and then POOF. Stock market crashes when he's only 12-years-old, and life becomes brutal and painful. He manages to have some fun with his best friend Steve, and spends his teens/early 20s chasing girls and keeping his stupid, stubborn, tiny friend from getting beaten to death.

Steve constantly has something to prove. He's absolutely got what my mom always called "little man's disease", and Bucky's just doing his best not to roll his eyes too much at this asthmatic chihuahua constantly trying to beat up Tibetan mastiffs. While Steve keeps lying on his enlistment forms (an actual crime) trying again and again to get into the army and prove what a badass he is (definitely not), Bucky's had enough trauma and upheaval in his life and he just wants his stupid friend to calm tf down and live. Enjoy the fact that he doesn't have to go to war and get his limbs blown off.

And then he gets fucking drafted. This sweet, resigned realist who knows exactly how dangerous the war really is, is forced to put on a uniform and go fight strangers alongside other strangers thousands of miles from everything he knows. And on his last night of freedom, when he just wants to hang out with his friend, see some cool gadgets, and dance with a pretty girl, his stupid angry chihuahua friend feels the need to lie and try to enlist again.

Okay. Gotta get back on track. Ragepost about mistreatment of Bucky, not how much Steve annoys me. Sorry. Anyway...

Bucky's drafted, accepts his shitty lot with a brave smile, and is shipped off to Europe, where he is captured by HYDRA and presumed by the Allies to be KIA. Instead, he's strapped down, tortured, and given the HYDRA version of the super serum against his will. Steve rescues him, and Bucky knows he can't leave his idiot friend to his own devices to get his head blown off, so he dives right back into the fray. And then he falls off a cliff, loses most of his left arm, and is declared dead...again. This one's pretty damn valid, though lol. Without the serum no one knew he'd been shot up with, there is no way he would have survived that fall.

Here is where Bucky's story gets truly heartbreaking: His autonomy, his ability to consent is stripped from him through electroshock torture/brainwashing. The trigger words are conditioned into him during this process, and boom. Ten words in Russian, and Bucky Barnes is gone. Even the confused, hurting shadow of him is gone, leaving only a perfectly obedient killing machine, with Bucky's pretty face. He's strong as all hell, though, so they can't keep him fully under their control for long, not without more torture, when the disorientation of being fucking frozen wears off on longer missions.

I cannot stress this point enough, guys: Bucky. Had. No. Choice. Not like the draft, where his choices (go and get shot at, refuse and go to jail, or dodge and run to Canada) just suck. No, he literally didn't have a choice. He had his ability to choose stripped from him. If that's too complex a concept to really sink in, try this: His brain was fucking raped. Repeatedly. For decades. Nothing the Winter Soldier ever did was Bucky's fault. Nothing. Ever. Not remotely, no matter how you fucking slice it. Bucky is not an assassin. I almost said "not a killer", but he was a soldier, and a sharpshooter. He definitely killed when he was himself, but that was in a war, not a series of assassinations.

So far, imo, so good. This is just a rundown of Bucky's pre-show backstory. I don't love what he had to suffer, but I do love how it was treated in the movies. People were afraid of him, but when they knew the whole situation, Steve, Nat, and Sam rallied behind him. Natasha had plenty of reason to want the Winter Soldier dead; he'd tried to kill her multiple times and almost succeeded. Sam had no reason to help Bucky at all; he didn't know him, didn't trust him, and again, TWS had tried to kill him. But he stood by Steve, and when Bucky showed the clear difference between himself and TWS, Sam stood by him, too, and fought alongside him.

And it's very realistic, imo, that Tony didn't give a single fuck that Bucky had no choice. He watched this man murder both of his parents on tape. If TWS had killed my dad and I saw proof of it, I'd try to kill Bucky, too. Grief wins out over logic. Most emotions usually do. And that's a very important point we're going to come back to in a few minutes.

Bucky was really only in like ten minutes at most of IW and Endgame, and for multiple reasons I hate those movies, so I'm just gonna skip them, kay? Kay. On to the main event!

Here's where I get pissed off. Even if I didn't have an unhealthy attachment to this character, or the depth of appreciation for his tragic backstory that I do, the lack of continuity between the movies and the show alone would still piss me off. It always does. Don't even get me started on Joss "Continuity? What continuity?" Whedon and his (iconic, but flawed) shows. Ahem. Back on track...

Let me just get one little thing out of the way real quick: I fucking LOVE The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I love it. This show amazed me when I first watched it, and I still love it after many more viewings lol. I have only ever watched it all the way through without skipping over as much John Walker shit as possible the one time lol but I love how Sam and Bucky interact, and I fucking adore how Sam's arc was treated. I just wish they'd show the same care and attention to Bucky.

Because what they did to Bucky in this show is a fucking travesty. There was a tiny ray of hope in the pilot, when he called out Dr. Bitchface for being a terrible shrink. I thought that would be the start of him realizing he needed to find someone else and ignore the damaging shit that woman was telling him. But...nope. No such luck.

The show really had a strong start, I'll give it that. We see Bucky having nightmares of his time as TWS and struggling to hide how his traumatic memories are affecting him as he tries to live in the world again. He befriends the father of one of HYDRA's victims, which can't be good for Bucky (and we're shown it's definitely not when he sees the shrine in Yori's home to his late son) but it's sweet, how he's trying to connect and reach out to someone who's hurting and lonely.

They drop the ball a little with the whole... Bucky can hack a fucking car, but can't figure out Tinder thing. Had they just run with the fandom interpretation of the tiger photos line, that it shows that Bucky is bi and left it at that, I'd have been okay with it (and no, that is not because I ship Sam/Bucky. it's because Bucky is and always has been a certified nerd who loves technology and has consistently shown very little issue learning to use new gadgets). The outdated flip phone he handed his terrible court-mandated shrink was a burner; I liked that theory when I read it, especially since it's the only time we see him even holding a phone that old lol. This all could have fit the "Bucky is a sassy bisexual nerd" narrative and it'd be okay. Instead, the director was like "NOOOOOO that line was just to show how old he is and how he can't figure out all this newfangled technology!" Woman, you had him remotely driving someone else's vehicle with a tablet. That is NOT a man who can't figure out a damn smart phone!

But that's just a minor annoyance. What fills me with absolute rage is how everyone - not just the shitty therapist who lashes out at and purposely triggers her traumatized patients, but EVERYONE - Sam, Zemo, people who should fucking know better ALL treat him like he's a psychopath and a ticking time bomb. Like he chose to take the serum and he chose to kill for HYDRA, and he's just seen the error of his ways. *barf*

Bucky in the movies is established to be a victim, through and through. His guilt over what he was forced to do is natural, and that he sees himself as a monster makes sense... but that doesn't mean it's correct. The one and only thing I ever liked about Steve Rogers is at least he got it. He pointed out that none of it was Bucky's fault, he tried to show him that he was worth saving. That's the other reason I refuse to talk about Endgame. This post will get a WHOLE LOT LONGER and a lot fucking angrier if I open that door.

Zemo supposedly knows everything about HYDRA and super soldiers... So why does he treat Bucky like he's a corrupt serial killer? (this, for the record, is why I don't like Zemo) Why does he never point out that Bucky was given the serum against his will, or that his actions, when he had control of them, proved that he was never corrupted? Bucky never wanted to become superhuman. Bucky didn't even want to fucking fight!

Sam, despite constantly resisting the label, is shown very clearly to be Bucky's friend. By episode 3, he cares. He worries about how Bucky is getting lumped in with the other super soldiers in Zemo's speech... But he never really defends him. He says "what about Bucky?" but he doesn't point out that Bucky's a good man, he's fought so hard to help people, he does everything he can to avoid killing... And that fucking speech in episode 5. I was with him on "you gotta stop looking to other people to tell you who you are." I was like "YEAH! Tell him, Sam! Bucky, you're WORTH SAVING, boo! Your value does not hinge on someone else's opinion of you!" And then... Sam dropped the ball.

He not only continued the disturbing pattern of victim-blaming in this show, and in Marvel/Disney properties in general, but he gave really dangerously bad advice! No one in their right mind, mental health professional or no, would EVER tell a traumatized former assassin (whether he was responsible for his actions or not) to go confront his victims' families out of the blue with no warning and no one to mediate and keep things from going to shit. Yori already knew his son had been murdered because he was in the "wrong place, wrong time." How is it being "of service" to tell him you're the one who killed him?! Remember how I said Tony's reaction to learning the full truth about his parents' deaths was valid and would be an important point later? Hi! Welcome to later. THAT is the natural reaction to facing the man who murdered your loved one(s). And even if Yori didn't get angry and lash out, HOW IS IT "HELPING" HIM OR BRINGING HIM "CLOSURE" TO KNOW THAT HIS FRIEND KILLED HIS FUCKING SON?!?!?! This man befriended him, bonded with him, watched him grieve... And now he's learning this is the man who caused all his pain and heartache to begin with? That is so toxic and psycho I just... I can't even... UGH.

And then there's the equally toxic and damaging "deeply traumatized person just needed a stern talking to and a hug to be ALL BETTER AGAIN" ending. I loved seeing Bucky happy and socializing, but it was too soon, and it was unearned. And it sends a fucking awful message to people actually struggling with PTSD, and to their loved ones who don't know how to help them. Heaping more blame on them and then hugging it out is NOT helpful!

This show could have been damn near perfect with just two changes. That's all. Just two. 1) Someone, anyone, bringing up the reasons why Bucky was never a villain in his presence. Someone being in his corner and reminding him, like Steve did, that it wasn't his fault and he's not going to "snap". 2) More time devoted to Bucky's healing. Actual fucking healing, not the shit they tried to pass off as a magic fix-all. He can have his happy barbecue moment, just don't frame it as "everything's great now!" Healing isn't linear, and there will be both good days and bad. Some of the most fragile people in the world have the brightest smiles.

If we get a season 2, which this amazing show absolutely deserves, and they address this stuff, all will be forgiven in my book. Expanding on his story and his journey toward healing will help to reframe that "happily ever after" garbage as something more realistic. But as it stands now... Fuck Marvel.

#fan rant #ragepost #long post #bucky barnes #mcu #captain america #the first avenger #the winter soldier #civil war #tfatws #mcu spoilers #stop victim blaming #victim not villain #never a fucking villain #bucky deserved better #fuck marvel #fuck disney

[dutchdread]

Hi dutchdread, I hope you’re doing well! I just have a quick question. I saw someone say that Cloud only became sick with geostigma because he had already given up & wanted to be with Aerith. They said that people only get sick when they think about death or have lost a loved one. What do you think about this argument? If that’s the case, I think he got sick because of his guilt towards Z/A & cuz he hasn’t been able to help Denzel. Idk enough about geostigma, so I was wondering if you did. Thnx!

Geostigma is generally just described as a physical illness, an overreaction of the immune system to a foreign substance. But I've heard the claim that it's tied into Clouds mental state as well and while I can't remember off the top of my head whether that has ever been officially stated that does seem likely to me given the themes of the movie. In general, even in real life, your mental state has a severe impact on your immune system, people suffering from stress for instance are more at risk for almost everything it seems. I am actually in a situation right now where a good friend of mine was riddled with cancer and was only given months to live, but she decided she wasn't going to die, to stay positive, and fight, and somehow, she's now been declared cancer free. Simply staying positive can't cause miracles of course, but it does seem the case that if you've given up mentally, the body is more likely to follow. But as for "what I think about this argument", I don't think it is an argument. They're trying to prove that Cloud loves Aerith, but here that's not being argued, it's being used as the premise. If you want to show that Cloud loves Aerith then you can't use Cloud loving Aerith as the premise for your argument. Geostigma being caused by depression only proves that Cloud loves Aerith if Cloud loving Aerith would be the only reason he might be depressed, but it's not. This means it's not actually an argument since it doesn't actually give any proof that Cloud loving Aerith was the cause for the depression. But we already know that Cloud was depressed, and why. By saying that Cloud only got geostigma because of his depression Cleriths are trying to refute the idea that Cloud left Tifa because of Geostigma. But like always, they're ignoring context and nuance. Nojima has said:

first off, there’s the premise that things won’t go well between Tifa and Cloud, and that even without Geostigma or Sephiroth this might be the same.

This refers, like you observed, to Clouds issues with failure and guilt. From a storytelling perspective geostigma becomes a symbolic physical representation for Clouds inner struggles. But just because Geostigma is the result of Clouds mental health issues doesn't mean that him catching Geostigma doesn't further influence his psyche. It's a downward spiral, and geostigma shows that. You feel negative, this causes negative things to happen, which further spirals you towards negativity.

Now running a delivery business while helping out Tifa with the newly opened “Seventh Heaven” bar, Cloud, Tifa, Marlene and Denzel lived together like a family. However, when Cloud contracts Geostigma he disappears. Behind these actions lies feelings of guilt towards his past failure to protect people who were important to him, but through his battle with Kadaj’s gang, the legacy of Jenova, he regains the courage to face reality. FFVII 10th Anniversary Ultimania  Cloud Strife Profile p36-41

And in the midst of this he contracts Geostigma himself, and rather than being able to protect the people dear to him, he instead was forced to face his own death, and so ran away.”-Nojima in AC prologue.

Using some gradeschool level comprehensive reading we can determine that Clouds feelings of guilt are what caused the issues, and that Geostigma was the final drop in the bucket. The causal chain here is obvious. Cloud feels guilt => Cloud starts getting depressed => Cloud becomes vulnerable to geostigma => Cloud gets geostigma => Cloud flees. Thanks for the question.

#Cloti #FFVII #ffvii remake #advent children #cloud strife

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reaction to Gang of Secrets!

I'm very late today at writing this because life ;-; You know it's a bigger episode when they start off with a problem. Ladybug doesn't want to detransform so she's desperate to find reasons to remain Ladybug. I love how the entire time, Chat Noir knows something's wrong and wants to get her to talk about what it is, but she just tries to pretend she's fine. If anything, Chat Noir would probably be the best person to talk to considering everything he's dealt with too both with Kagami and his responsibility as Chat! She could mention that she was seeing someone but they broke up because of her secret, and she could tell him how much being the Guardian's having an affect on her. All perfectly well and good without exposing any identities or things like that with questions for details asked. Instead she puts up a front with him and pretends she's okay in front of him and it's just so sad. :/ I understand why she doesn't, probably because she doesn't want him to know how much she's struggling. But ugh my heart hurts for her. Chat: I know where we can go where we won't have to talk! Ladybug: Yes, take me there Chat! *in the theater* Ladybug: You lead me into a trap. I MEAN HE'S NOT WRONG THOUGH! Not many places you can go where it's okay or encouraged to not talk without there being an awkward silence. But that cracked me UP. Also that casual attempt to wrap his arm around her lolol still hasn't give up, I see. I also find it simultaneously hilarious and extremely depressing that Ladybug's ranting like that in the theater because of a romance movie. When your heart is broken, that's probably the last thing you want to be doing. And Chat Noir yanking her down asking that she be quiet 😂 Literally just rants her entire love life out for everyone including Chat to hear in that theater. CHAT NOIR, YOU BETTER BE LISTENING BECAUSE SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ADRIEN HERE "She takes a long time to tell him and stutters and blah blah blah" lol sound familiar, sunshine? If anything please have him recall this later and be like, wait, didn't Ladybug say girls stutter around a guy when she likes him? BAM. Then he's off on his path towards Marinette. I can dream. Ladybug: And how do you know if he loves her? IMPOSSIBLE. Adrien: No, Marinette couldn't possibly be in love with me. *eyetwitch* But at the end of the day. This is Marinette ranting to Adrien about how she had to give up on Adrien and then couldn't make things work with Luka because of her secret. Ooof. And poor Chat having to apologize for everyone because Ladybug's disturbing them XDD THE GIRL SAVES EVERYBODY'S LIVES PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY AND THEY'RE PISSED SHE'S RUINING A MOVIE THEY CAN JUST REWATCH? 😂 She's clearly having a hard time right now, c'mon people! Chat can tell she has a broken heart. This boy is so sweet. He wants her to at least admit that and talk about it so she can feel better but you know, Ladybug's stubborn. I WANT TO GO SWIMMING LET'S GO SWIMMING CHAT, WOO HOOOOOO! Ladybug acting like Chat to hide her pain just like how Chat acts like Chat to hide his pain. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S FINE. :') It doesn't matter how much pain she's dealing with, those pictures mean too much to her to remove them. x3 Thanks Juleka for showing us how sad Luka is now, that's very helpful. Marinette's been going into the bathroom at school to cry, and then had planned stupid looking glasses to hide her tears so people wouldn't have to know she's cried because wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses that's embarrassing is better than being asked what's wrong. Because the pain I feel for her wasn't already enough. Ugh I adore Trixx. Trixx being the voice of reason when Tikki's not there, trying to help and letting her know that Tikki may need to rest too when she's so upset it doesn't cross her mind. And the tears in her eyes when she apologizes to Tikki for not thinking of her like she should. ;-; SO MUCH PAIN. OH DANG Alya was literally a second away from seeing a detransforming Marinette lol But she did say DETRANSFORMATION or well in the English dub it'll be "Spots

off" I love Rose, she's really sweet. and considerate But she also shouldn't be touching things in others rooms like that. I never liked it when my friends went around my room touching stuff. Also didn't help that a couple of them stole from me... but it's just not a cool thing to do. Would've probably ended up much better had she not had to desperately hide an exposed Miracle Box. But then we wouldn't have had what happens so it's all good c: Marinette saying she doesn't want to be friends with the girls anymore

It hit Alya deep. Everyone else is like *le gasp* but her eyes all shrunken like that, you can tell it really got to her hard.

This entire exchange right here. Alya's glance at her in the first picture is piercing, like I can feel that OOF feeling in my chest when I see it. The new music dramatizes it so well that a lot of people probably didn't pay attention to it the first time around. Can we just appreciate how these animators got all these emotions so right and did such a good job animating everything for us? And those that work on the music too? Everything's so spot on. Marinette's red-rimmed eyes is so well done. "No, it can't end like this!" Awww Alix getting super upset too x3 I honestly think Alix could be the next one.... you know what I mean BUT I'll wait until the end to talk about it. Trixx pulling a Plagg and rescuing Marinette! x3 I seriously love Trixx, I really do. I know the other Kwami's got mad, but if he hadn't done that it would've been disaster, probably. And the episode wouldn't have ended how it did! And Plagg knowing it was Trixx who caused the Eiffel Tower to be all weird xD Why do I get the feeling the relationship between Trixx and Plagg would be like that of Chat Noir and Rena Rouge? And I want to point out, we got 7 whole seconds of Adrien again! Aren't we lucky? The last time we got so little of Adrien in an episode was when we had his parallel episode Lies. I don't think that'll happen this time but I do hope it means more Adrien later on. Ladybug: They're after Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Chat Noir: Okay but remember everybody likes her (so don't go thinking she's a bad person for causing their akumatizations) Yes, I read between the lines. Ladybug being able to get through to Lady Wifi and have her deakumatize herself was absolutely amazing! I know Chloe was the first to fight off being akumatized but once you're akumatized it's obviously extremely hard to break. That says a lot about Alya. "Because you're an incredible friend, Ladybug." One, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Two, did you notice the little jerk of her head, gesturing to Ladybug like that when she said it?? It's the little details guys that make this so good. 😍 "Chat Noir, nooooo!" Guys, we got our tiny little Marichat scene! It's not actually real, but still! (okay but why do I also get this really weird feeling like something like this may end up being real later?) Alya giving Ladybug that hug 😭 Marinette has such good, supportive friends. I love them all. x.x YES THANK YOU. Alya's finally realizing there are more things going on with her than just boys. One of the things that's always irked me since Chameleon is that any issue Marinette has, be it with Lila or otherwise, she always assumes it has to do with Adrien. Of course, at the time she didn't know she was Ladybug but she should've still listened and realized there's something else up. But now she finally is noticing and I love how she was going to respect her regardless and not push. Pushing has always been one of Alya's characteristics, but she knew whatever it was was something too big and serious to push her on. "Marinette, I'm your best friend, and I always will be." 😭😭😭 This episode brought me so close to tears so many times. Marinette admitting she's keeping secrets, lying to everyone. Admitting that that's why she draws a line between her and Adrien, and why her and Luka didn't work out. Alya saying however heavy it is, they'll carry it together (MY HEART) And then Marinette saying "If I tell you, things between us will never be the same. It's going to destroy everything, change it all." It sounds like this girl is thinking about Chat Blanc and oop there's the sound of my heart breaking again. So much paaaain. "Je suis Ladybug." YESSSSSSS Why they had to leave it off on a cliffhanger But YESSSSSSS First, the expressions she had flash on her face, the gasp 😮, then the expression like she's trying to get her mind to process. Then if you notice, Marinette gives a little nod, as if letting her know that it's true. Then the way her eyebrows furrow and pulls her into the hug as she understands all that she has on her shoulders as that music plays. I'm getting

emotional just writing this. 😭 This episode is just so amazingly good in so many ways, I don't think I can actually cover it all. I'm very impressed. I've loved nearly every episode this show has put out, even those that a lot of people seem to hate. But this one, I don't see how this could actually be hated if you're trying to think of everything that happened from Marinette's point of view, her thoughts, feelings, struggles, depression. I will say, personally I hoped Chat Noir would learn who Ladybug is first. He's been such a good partner, very thoughtful, always putting his life on the line. He's also been dealing with a lot of the same struggles. I felt like he deserved to know first. However, this isn't about who deserves what, it's about what Marinette needs. It's not that she doesn't want to tell him who she is! Don't misunderstand. There are many times throughout the past 3 seasons where she wants to or regrets not being able to. But now, Chat Blanc's in her mind. She knows what could happen if she tells him with Hawk Moth still there, so she can't do it. So instead, she tries to pretend in front of him that she's fine even though talking to him about everything would help and fix so much. In her mind, that's not an option. I just hope that when he finds out she told someone else first, he doesn't think that she doesn't trust him enough to tell him. Next I thought maybe Alix. That way it'd be more understandable to Chat that she'd know, after all future Bunnyx clearly knows and said to Ladybug that she chose her because she's capable of keeping secrets (notice how Alya said that to Ladybug in the alley? I bet Alix will find out in the near future. Maybe not this season, but she'll find out.) But that's for another time. But now Alya knows! Her best friend, the one to have her back and will no doubt have it even more so now! Watch out, Lila. Alya doesn't hold back so I can imagine how vicious she could be to her (and I can't wait). And that brings up a very interesting thought. Alya will realize Adrien has been the only one to have her back in Lila situations. Why would he do that, hmm? When everyone else was so sure Lila's an angel and Marinette must be bad for saying anything negative about her. Journalist Alya, incoming! There's also the matters of Alya bringing up Marinette's feelings for Chat Noir because duh, everybody can see how much she loves him! There are even photos of them kissing, one of which happened in front of Alya's own eyes! Though affected by an akuma, they all know that kiss didn't happen because of it. And of course, Alya has brought up twice in the show so far that Adrien and Chat Noir could be the same person. And last time Alya said that neither of them could be Ladybug and Chat Noir. Except, she's now found out that Marinette is Ladybug. So maybe Adrien could after all be Chat Noir. I look forward to seeing how their new dynamic is. I wonder how this affects their relationship with the other girls. And I'm most curious about how Nino and Adrien may react to this change. I thought during Truth and Lies both that their best friends were going to find out about their breakups. Gang of Secrets was Alya finding out. Even though I feel like another parallel episode is just wishful thinking, I can't help but think it may be a possibility. Nino and the boys are going to wonder what's up with Adrien too. They're going to wonder why he's not with Kagami anymore so suddenly. So what if i the end, Chat Noir ends up telling Nino? I could see it, if this takes place shortly after Gang of Secrets, where she tells Chat that she's confided her identity in a very close friend and somehow they agree that he can tell someone too that he trusts to make it fair. It'd be an amazing way to exercise Ladybug's trust in Chat Noir too. Then we'd have both Alya and Nino in on it, keeping their best friend's secrets for them without knowing about the other one. Oh that'd be so beautiful! And also let them keep their Miraculouses too after the charms are given to them and Alya has the ability to break

free after being akumatized. I adore Rena and Carapace so much I'd be ecstatic if they kept them. 😭 Anyway, so much potential can come out of this episode and I honestly cannot wait until episode 4!!

#ml #miraculous ladybug #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #ml spoilers #ml season 4 spoilers #ml spoilers season 4 #gang of secrets spoilers #I wrote this late because I've been in a ton of pain today but I hope you enjoy it anyway! #alya cesaire #marinette dupain-cheng #ladybug #rena rouge

[everything-laito]

if I don’t have tendinitis by the end of writing this series, I am officially immortal. anyways here’s the long awaited Laito and Cordelia analysis: Part I

Hi, Corn here! Holy shit I’ve been wanting to write this for forever now; idk how long this series will be but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m gonna wing it.

Lemme get something REAL clear before I begin. Because for some fucking reason I still see people trying to say that Cordelia did not molest/rape/etc Laito. Cuz she did. It’s called grooming and manipulation, sweetie. And I’ll explain that too. 

Also, I’m not defending or justifying Cordelia’s actions (there’s a difference between explaining why something happens and defending it. For example, we know racism is harmful and awful, but explaining what it is and why it happens isn’t defending it). I also don’t defend Laito’s nonconsensual or abusive actions either on here, I also wanna clarify that. I just merely explain his theorized rationale and psyche.

God I don’t even know where to start, or where this is exactly going to end, but my god, time to pop off. I’m going to divide this into sections as well. 

Also I think this is usually a given with all the Laito stuff I put on here, but, spoilers ahead! And trigger warnings galore! Pedophilia/rape/abuse/grooming/depression/anxiety are the ones I can think of now, but all of those are really a given on this blog. Just wanna emphasize it because I’m gonna go deep into em. 

As always,,,,, rant under the cut~!

Section 1: Before the Storm (insert Life is Strange joke here)

There’s quite a bit of back and forth about where Cordelia started doing this. I just finished Dark Fate and the conversation between the triplets caught my eye. Laito mentions in his Dark Fate Ecstacy Epilogue that implies Cordelia wasn’t abusive at first. It’s revealed how Karlheinz used Cordelia just for his Adam and Eve experiment to create a new human race, which is why he blatantly ignores her after courting her and making her have kids that she didn’t even wanna have. Which is. Yikes. I’d say that’s a form of coercive pregnancy abuse.

The conversation turns to Laito who then says that Cordelia lost her mind due to of sexual frustration and then hurt the triplets. Sexual frustration is a real and common thing, but I’m gonna explain the potential logistics of this being turned into abuse. 

Sexual frustration in general can be described as a sense of “dissatisfaction stemming from a discrepancy between a person’s desired and achieved sexual activity” (source). I know it’s from Wikipedia but the phrasing of that definition is just too perfect. (also Wikipedia’s good just to get the basics from ;) ) Sexual frustration can happen from physical, mental, emotional, social, religious, or spiritual barriers. Everyone has some kind of ideal sexual activity, whether it be innate and or learned (like getting used to sexual acts over time, whether that be from a traumatic or consensual experience). However, I can safely say that Cordelia has high libido, regardless of the reason. 

Oxytocin, my absolute favorite hormone to talk about, is huge in this case. Touch starvation (what I’d say most of us are going through now because of quarantine) also depends on oxytocin level. We’re social creatures, and we need touch in some way. Having sexual needs is also not a thing to be shameful of (if you do have them), since that is also very human and very biological. Oxytocin is needed for so many things! From social bonding, sexual bonding, reproduction in general, and general emotional wellbeing. Everyone has different levels of oxytocin needs. With a lack of oxytocin, whether it causes sexual frustration or touch starvation (or both), it can create fear, anxiety, and or depression. This has to do with my favorite part of the brain, the amygdala. It’s this lil almond shaped part (hence, amygdala, which is Latin for “almond”) is responsible for empathy, your fight and flight response, as well as SO many other things. I’ll talk more about the amygdala later, because I’m getting off track. 

Back to the logistics of oxytocin deficiency and abuse. Basically, I didn’t initially think that touch starvation or sexual frustration could get so bad that someone would resort to abuse. Haven’t found anything that supports that either. However, since it is linked to depression and stress, I do believe Cordelia would have other underlying psychological issues that made her response to depression and stress just so much worse. It’s kind of obvious that Karlheinz absurd her, and when someone goes through a traumatic episode, there’s different coping mechanisms or different emotions are triggered. Maybe even before Karlheinz she had issues, but we will never know. I just know that Cordelia seems susceptible to some kind of manic episodes, such as mood swings and intense behaviors. 

Dark Fate confirms that Karlheinz most likely used this, and used Cordelia due to her Founder blood and that her psyche was “optimal” to eventually have the triplets kill her. Karl can see the future and past etc, I believe that was confirmed in Lost Eden too. Anyways, all of this paves the way to what Cordelia did to the triplets.

Section 2: The Beginning

There’s been quite a bit of back and forth between when did Cordelia start sexually abusing Laito? We know that Kanato and Ayato were abused when they were young, but there’s no flashbacks in Laito’s routes that depicts him being a child (to my knowledge). Not saying Laito wasn’t abused when he was a child, but I can assure you that the first time Cordelia had explicit sex with Laito was when he was older. 

Special thanks to @vampiretsuki​ and @amiecris​ for helping me think this through on Zara’s server! 

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance. 

Now, you may be thinking, “Oh! What about Ayato and Laito’s Versus II CD?! Didn’t it mention that Laito wasn’t in the triplet’s shared bed 9/10 times?!” And yeah, if you remembered that, kudos to you! Yes, you’re totally right. I thought this was some inconsistent writing, but I don’t believe so. I believe Cordelia was grooming Laito as a kid. For some reason, grooming never came to my mind, it was Tsuki who mentioned grooming, and Cris also backed that notion up. It’s not confirmed if Cordelia planned to do this to Laito in the beginning (which I doubt, I think she sexually exploited him on a whim due to sexual frustration and because Karl wouldn’t; and the suitors she had wasn’t “enough” for her) but I think it’s implied that it happened (from the earlier excerpt). As for grooming, here’s an excerpt from the VS II CD:

Ayato: You weren’t even there 9 out of the 10 times. Laito: So you knew, Ayato-kun. Ayato: … Laito: You know, I have been thinking how I came to be the person I am today. I am still wondering why wasn’t it Ayato-kun or Kanato-kun.

God that’s so SAAAD! This is why Laito being groomed from a young age would make sense. It would also make sense as to why he was so dismissive and hesitant to help Ayato out. In Ayato’s flashbacks, Laito is there, but doesn’t interfere when Cordelia gets into the picture. Laito tends to run away from his problems, and this manifests even when he’s a kid. To further the support of the claim, it’s definitely not farfetched that Cordelia would do something to a child, especially her own child. She used Kanato for his singing voice when she was having sex..... yikes. That’s another form of sexual exploitation. So uh, let’s dive right into see what grooming does,,,,, *opens another private window* Here’s the source I’ll be using too. 

Grooming is a process that is typically used to sexually exploit children. Ewewewewewewew. It can be a quick or gradual process. It’s basically harnessing the trust in children utilizing constant contact. There’s not much explicit evidence describing this with Cordelia, but if Laito wasn’t sexually exploited when he was younger in the fashion he was “used” to when he got older, again I do think he was groomed. It would make sense as to why he either avoided conflict with Cordelia as a child. Either that was his own disposition (which to a degree I think it is), or maybe he was confused about Cordelia’s actions towards his other brothers, since he “loved” Cordelia. Young Laito typically fell silent when Cordelia entered the room, which again could be because of his disposition, fear, or he knows not to say much in front of her. 

During the grooming process, a child can result in not being able to see coercion and deception. In general, kids 7 years old and under biologically are not able to differentiate persuasion from their own decisions, which results in the laws surrounding advertisements catering to children. Fun fact. I know we’re dealing with vampires and so their brains might not work like that, but from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty human. Also, we’re still not sure about their ages or how vampire biological ages work, but bear with me on this. 

Another stage of grooming involves cutting off the child’s support system, whether it be family, friends, etc. I made a comment in an analysis that Laito doesn’t have a support system, and at the very least, his brothers. But even that is pretty weak. You know how it’s mentioned how Laito wasn’t even in bed with Ayato and Kanato most of the time? That’s probably due to Cordelia weakening Laito’s bonds with them. Furthermore, on the website I’m using to get information from, it says this:

Control and alienation is exercised in the following ways:

[more bullet points here]

- creating conflicting feelings of love and hate, protection and exploitation, guilt and innocence, entitlements and duties.

OOOOOHHHHHH BBBBBOOOOOYYYYYY!!!!! Ayato and Kanato say that they fucking hate Cordelia. But... Laito’s the only one that says he “loves” her. He also says that he hates her. So, from this, I think it might be safe to say that Cordelia groomed Laito as a child, and continued to use those tactics when he was older.

Well, I’m gonna end it here for part one. That was quite the ride, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless! Next part, we’ll be getting into Laito when he’s older and the effects it had on him, along with some other crazy dark sides of psychology. I still won’t be answering many of my inbox questions until this huge analysis is finished, sorry! I kinda wanna focus on this first. But feel free to hit me up with any questions! I’ll still get to them :)

Any Cordelia/Laito questions will most likely be answered in this series, just a heads up. But if you have any questions pertaining to Cordelia/Laito right now or after the series, feel free to hit me up still! Any clarifying questions for this post or anything in general are always encouraged as well if you’re confused or want me to elaborate on something :)

Part two is planned to be up next week! See ya then ;) -Corn

#analysis #Laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito #Cordelia sakamaki #sakamaki cordelia #diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #dl #corn pops off again