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#I have been thinking so so hard abt it but I dont know how to summarise it good
sturnioloarchive ยท 2 days
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idc what you make it abt but i need you to write a filthy, dirty, nasty chris smut similar to โ€œfirst touchesโ€ but like sheโ€™s not a virgin
"๐‘ณ๐‘ฐ๐‘ป๐‘ป๐‘ณ๐‘ฌ ๐‘บ๐‘ณ๐‘ผ๐‘ป" - ๐‘ช.๐‘บ
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โฅ ๐‘บ๐’–๐’Ž๐’Ž๐’‚๐’“๐’š : ๐’€๐’๐’– ๐’…๐’†๐’„๐’Š๐’…๐’†๐’… ๐’•๐’ ๐’ƒ๐’† ๐’‚ ๐’ƒ๐’“๐’‚๐’• ๐’•๐’๐’…๐’‚๐’š
โฅ ๐‘พ๐’‚๐’“๐’๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ๐’” : ๐‘น๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰ ๐‘ซ๐’๐’Ž!๐‘ช๐’‰๐’“๐’Š๐’”, ๐‘บ๐’๐’Š๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’• ๐’ƒ๐’“๐’†๐’†๐’…๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’Œ๐’Š๐’๐’Œ, ๐‘ซ๐’†๐’ˆ๐’“๐’‚๐’…๐’‚๐’•๐’Š๐’๐’, ๐‘บ๐’‘๐’Š๐’• ๐’Œ๐’Š๐’๐’Œ, ๐‘บ๐’๐’‚๐’‘๐’‘๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ, ๐‘บ๐’‘๐’‚๐’๐’Œ๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ, ๐‘ช๐’‰๐’๐’Œ๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ, ๐‘ช๐’‰๐’“๐’Š๐’” ๐’•๐’Š๐’†๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’†๐’“'๐’” ๐’‰๐’‚๐’๐’…๐’” ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐’‚ ๐’ƒ๐’†๐’๐’•, ๐‘บ๐’’๐’–๐’Š๐’“๐’•๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ, ๐‘ฏ๐’‚๐’Š๐’“ ๐’‘๐’–๐’๐’๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ, ๐‘บ๐’๐’Š๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’• ๐’…๐’‚๐’…๐’…๐’š ๐’Œ๐’Š๐’๐’Œ (๐’Š๐’‡ ๐’…๐’๐’๐’• ๐’๐’Š๐’Œ๐’† ๐’Š๐’• ๐’Š๐’ˆ๐’๐’๐’“๐’† ๐’Š๐’• ๐’‘๐’๐’”), ๐’ƒ๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’„๐’‚๐’๐’๐’š ๐’๐’‚๐’”๐’•๐’š ๐’”๐’‰๐’Š๐’•. ๐‘ณ๐’Ž๐’Œ ๐’‡๐’๐’“ ๐’๐’•๐’‰๐’†๐’“ ๐’˜๐’‚๐’“๐’๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ๐’”!!
โฅ ๐‘จ๐’–๐’•๐’‰๐’๐’“ ๐’๐’๐’•๐’† : ๐‘บ๐’๐’“๐’“๐’š ๐’•๐’‰๐’Š๐’” ๐’•๐’๐’๐’Œ ๐’•๐’Š๐’Ž๐’†, ๐’‚๐’” ๐’–๐’”๐’–๐’‚๐’๐’๐’š ๐’Š๐’•๐’” ๐’‹๐’–๐’”๐’• ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’Ž๐’†๐’๐’•๐’‚๐’ ๐’‰๐’†๐’‚๐’๐’•๐’‰, ๐’“๐’†๐’Ž๐’Š๐’๐’…๐’†๐’“ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’†๐’๐’ˆ๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’‰ ๐’Š๐’”๐’๐’• ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’Ž๐’๐’•๐’‰๐’†๐’“ ๐’๐’‚๐’๐’ˆ๐’–๐’‚๐’ˆ๐’† ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’Š๐’Ž ๐’…๐’š๐’”๐’๐’†๐’™๐’Š๐’„, ๐’”๐’ ๐’‘๐’๐’” ๐’๐’Ž๐’Œ ๐’‡๐’๐’“ ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’Ž๐’Š๐’”๐’•๐’‚๐’Œ๐’†๐’” ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’•๐’„, ๐’‚๐’๐’”๐’ ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’‚๐’”๐’Œ๐’ƒ๐’๐’™ ๐’Š๐’” ๐’‚๐’๐’˜๐’‚๐’š๐’” ๐’๐’!! ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’‚๐’๐’Œ ๐’š๐’๐’–.
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"Chris p-please, m'sensetive" i whined, after cumming for the-i dont know what time.
"Shouldn't have behaved like this!" Chris slapped your cheek, continuing to ram into your burning walls.
But first, how I ended up like this..
Few hours ago :
"Babe, what about this?" Chris looked at me, wanting my opinion on his outfit for the new car video
"I dont give a fuck Christopher!"
I said loudly, not even looking at him, ive decided to act bratty today, i needed him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you today? Huh?" He asked harshly
"I dont know what you mean" i said simply, looking over up at him from the our bed.
"You don't know what i mean? You've been on my nerves all day! Acting like a fucking brat, answering harsh and talking back!" He came to the bed, suddenly taking my jaw harshly and squeezing.
I looked him in the eyes, noticing how his pupils are blown wide, his blue eyes almost black.
"CHRIS C'MON!" suddenly Matt's voice Interrupted us
"Just wait till i get home, fucking stay here." He let go of my jaw harshly, taking his hat and exiting our room, and shutting the door loudly.
Almost 3 hours later, they came back, while they were gone i went to take a shower, while showering i wondered if it was too much
What if i really hurted his feelings but no..
Chris immediately came to our room, i looked over him from the bed, he closed and locked the door.
Coming closer to me, while taking off his shirt.
"Take of your shorts."
"Don't tell me what to do." I snapped back at him
" *your name* fucking take your fucking shorts off!" He demanded, his voice deep and slightly raspy with lust.
"Or? What if i don't hm?"
"What if you don't? Stand up..stand up!"
I decided to listen to him, standing up from the bed, and taking off my sleeping shorts.
And Chris came closer to me, sitting down on the bed and spreading his legs slightly, and suddenly pulling me to lay on his lap, my ass up.
"What are yo- fuck!" I was Interrupted, when he slapped my ass harshly.
"I'll show you "i dont give a fuck", fucking slut." He slapped it again, and again, and again and again, each slap getting harsher than the one before.
I was whimpering and crying, rubbing my thighs together, feeling my wetness everywhere between them.
"Fucking whore, getting this wet by spanking huh? Fucking ruined ny pants bitch!" While he was saying this he was slapping my ass over and over
"F-fuck m'sorry!" I moaned out when i felt his fingers rubbing my leaking hole.
"So fucking wet, want them inside of you? Huh?"
"Pl-please Chris!!"
"You think you deserve it hm? After everything you've done and said." He then slapped my ass again, the most hard one yet..
Making me cry out, completely forgetting that Matt and Nick are in the house.
"Please please please!!" I whined and begged, needing to feel something.
He chuckled darkly, suddenly inserting two of his long and thick fingers inside of my pussy.
I moaned his name out from the sudden feeling.
"Chris! F-nghh-fuck.." my eyes rolled back to the back of my head, when he started fucking his fingers inside of my cunt faster, curling them up
To hit my sweet spot, i was a moaning and drolling mess just from his fingers alone.
"You close? Can feel you clenching so hard" he continued doing his thing.
"Mhmmm please! M'close" i manged to murmur out
"Go on then, tonight youre gonna cum so fucking much till you pass out" he promised me
I released on his fingers, moaning out loudly, my legs shaking.
He continued to finger-fuck me through my high.
"N-no more.." i whimpered
"Lay on the bed." He demanded, removing me from his lap gently and getting up.
I laid down on the bed, watching him taking his belt off, then his pants with his boxers.
He was already shirtless, so he came back to me.
"Take off your shirt." And i did, tossing it on the floor.
"M'gonna tie you." I nodded at his words.
Taking my wrists in his much bigger hand.
"Remember your safe word?" He asked me while tying my hands together with the belt.
"Mhmm" i nodded, smiling up at him.
"Need your words"
"Y-yeah, it's Pearl.." he nodded at that
"Spread your legs open"
And i did, he laid down, between my legs. Taking his dick with one hand and started jerking himself to get even more hard.
"Ill show you how to behave properly, yeah?" He chuckled, lining his dick between my folds, rubbing it there to get it wet.
"Y-yeah..please daddy" i knew this nickname made him go crazy, so i decided to use it.
"Open your mouth." When i did he spat on my tongue and i immediately swallowed.
"Yeah? Does the whore wants daddys dick?" He slapped my cheek slightly but enough to sting a little.
"Please daddy, need ur cock please!" I looked at him, my eyes full of lust, his as well. He smirked
"Im not gonna stop till youre begging me to." He pushed inside at once, easily sliding in by how wet i was, but it still hurted a little.
I closed my eyes shut, crying out.
One of his hands wrapped around my throat, a firm yet gentle grip.
"Take it slut!" He grunted out, his pace fast and rough.
"Chris, chris, chris!" I started moaning his name over and over.
He took his hand off of my throat, and the same hand went between our joined bodies, to my clit.
He started rubbing harsh and fast circles, making me squeeze around him tightly.
"F-fuck, squeezing me so. fucking. tight." Each of his words between harsh thrusts.
"M-m'gonna ch-cum!" I cried out, at this he started thrusting into me even faster if possible, rubbing my clit faster.
"Fucking cum then!" He said harshly.
And i did, suddenly squirting around his dick, his hand went away from my clit and then he putted two of his fingers inside of my mouth. Making me suck them.
"Gonna cum inside of you, yeah? You like that? Gonna give you my babies!" I hummed, sucking on his long fingers.
He came inside of me, painting my walls white with his cum.
He removed his fingers from my mouth and slapped my cheek slightly.
"Chris p-please.." i begged for i don't even know what.
"Shut the fuck up slut." He removed his dick from my pussy, and manhandled me into a doggy, face pressed into the pillows, my ass up
"Gonna make you squirt even more." He chuckled dryly, before spreading my shaky-legs, and penetrating inside of my cunt once again.
"Ohhh fuckkkk-" my eyes rolled to the back of my head, i was a drooling mess
He immediately started thrusting like an wild animal, his pase so fast and harsh, that he was making my body move up and down.
Our bed frame slamming against the wall, my moans screams and the sound of our skin slapping against each other, echoed through the room.
Suddenly he smacked my ass hard, making me scream his name out, he gently caressed it before smacking it again.
"Gonna be a good slut and cum again?" His hands went to my waist, to thrust into me easier.
"Hmmm" was all i manged to get out
"Rub your clit!" He demanded.
"C-haah-cant!" I cried out.
"You fucking can, rub your clit bitch." Chris demanded once again, and one of my hands went to my pussy, hard but i managed to do it. I started rubbing my clit gently.
His thrusts and me rubbing my clit, were sending waves of sharp pleasure through me.
One of his hands went to my messy hair, pulling it so my back can be pressed against his chest.
"Daddy! Im-im" i couldn't finish my sentence, because i came, squirting again, this time even more.
Squeezing his dick tightly, making him groan and moan.
"Fu-fuck!" He came inside of me once again.
Filling me up, he waited for five seconds before pulling out.
"Stay like this." He suddenly went between my legs, and before i could say something, he licked my cum filled cunt, making me cry out.
"Daddy!" I moaned when i felt his tongue inside of me.
He started to eat me out, like a hungry man.
I felt my tummy tightening again, embarrassed that i was gonna cum so fast.
"Cumm-" i said..or rather i thought i said.
I came hard creaming around his tongue, when he felt me cumming he started eating me even faster if possible.
After some time he removed his tongue, and licked my pussy. Before slapping it gently. My legs were shaking so much.
"Lay on your back." And i did, sighing, thinking he was done but..
"Wh-what?" I asked in confusion
"Spread your legs slut" when i didn't, he did it.
He immediately pushed inside of me again, i cried out loud.
"D-dahh-daddy!!" My whole body was jolting from his animalistic thrusts.
"Fucking bitch, acting like a brat just to get fucked silly." He chuckled, and started to pinch one of my perky nipples.
My eyes squeezed shut, my moans and cries loud.
"Yeah, fucking squeeze my fucking dick, fucking whore."
"Im-" i couldn't even finish my sentence once again.
"Cum, fucking squirt around me!" His thrusts so hard, and i did squirted once again, this time the hardest.
"Chris p-please, m'sensetive" i whined, after cumming for the-i dont know what time.
"Shouldn't have behaved like this!" Chris slapped your cheek, continuing to ram into your burning walls.
"D-daddy!!" I cried out.
"Gonna fill you up again, y-yeah take my babies!" He said while cumming inside of me once again.
He stayed like this for a moment, after his dick softened, he pulled out gently.
"You good baby?" He asked me softly, and i hummed.
"Sore but fine"
He laid beside me, wrapping his hands around me.
"If you want to get fucked hard again, just ask, and dont get on my nerves, you little slut."
"Mhmm..chris?"
"Yeah?" He looked over me.
"I dont have plan b pills.." i said, after realizing how much he came inside of me.
"Shh, dont worry about that now." He chuckled.
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Bonus texts from Matt and Nick :
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โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”เผบเญจโ™ฅ๏ธŽเญงเผปโ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”โ”
๐“—๐“ธ๐“น๐“ฎ ๐”‚๐“ช๐“ต๐“ต ๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ด๐“ฎ๐“ญ ๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ฒ๐“ผ, ๐“ช๐“ต๐“ผ๐“ธ ๐“ผ๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ป๐”‚ ๐“ฒ๐“ฏ ๐“ฒ๐“ฝ๐“ผ ๐“ฏ๐“ป๐“ธ๐“ถ ๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ฎ "๐“ฌ๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ถ๐“ฐ๐”‚" ๐“ผ๐“ถ๐“พ๐“ฝ๐“ผ :(
๐““๐“ธ๐“ท๐”‚ ๐“ฏ๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ฐ๐“ฎ๐“ฝ ๐“ฝ๐“ธ ๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ด๐“ฎ ๐“ช๐“ท๐“ญ ๐“ป๐“ฎ๐“ซ๐“ต๐“ธ๐“ฐ ๐“ฒ๐“ฏ ๐”‚๐“ธ๐“พ ๐”€๐“ช๐“ถ๐“ฝ
๐“๐“ต๐“ผ๐“ธ ๐“ป๐“ฎ๐“ถ๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ญ๐“ฎ๐“ป ๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ช๐“ฝ ๐“ถ๐”‚ ๐“ช๐“ผ๐“ด๐“ซ๐“ธ๐” ๐“ฒ๐“ผ ๐“ธ๐“ท <3
โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜† โ˜… โ˜†
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puppyeared ยท 5 months
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i canโ€™t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I donโ€™t want to do it Iโ€™m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. Iโ€™ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. Iโ€™d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period canโ€™t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damnโ€ฆ.#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally wonโ€™t die. itโ€™ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but Iโ€™m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts arenโ€™t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I donโ€™t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? itโ€™s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just donโ€™t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but itโ€™s not very fun when it feels like Iโ€™m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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lemongogo ยท 4 months
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can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3
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#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me.#as in.an idea or concept that already exists#chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists.#and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it#i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim#like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations#but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know#like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness#and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty#and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh......#i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete#and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better#but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard#and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel#one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it.#i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing#but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping#so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands#but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing#fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht#but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time#SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach#sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)
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silenthillbunni ยท 2 months
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๐ŸŒง๏ธ๐Ÿซง๐Ÿ’ญ
#i shouldnt have fav mutuals bc i get sooo sad when they soft block me#which *always* happens like im not joking the day will come when they're just like nahhh bye#๐Ÿฅฒ๐Ÿฅฒ nd i cant help but get sad#nd i dont even agree w that anon who said that 'no wonder everyone blocks u' bc im never mean to anyone#i think it's just bc im fundamentally unlikable and unlovable and the time will come when smth abt me#ticks them off nd nothing abt me is ever tolerated i always have to be perfect for everyone so then i just get cut off like dead weight lmao#also it shows that i get attached so easily but in reality ... ppl are not at all as attached to me ๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€#like i care abt them but they dont care abt me nd it makes me feel so stupid#why do i so easily care for ppl?????? why do i have to care nd like ppl when it's always gonna end the same way#me being me is bad nd wrong and nobody could ever truly know me nd still like me#i have to live my life constantly hiding parts of myself and making sure im not too authentic or too open bc then i will make ppl dislike me#it rlly is that. im never mean. i never fight. ppl just see smth abt me nd go 'oh ewwwwww' nd then leave#nd if it hasnt already happened it will at some point nd im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop#whenever i realize i say or did smth wrong im tense waiting for the moment where they'll leave me will arrive#ok this might sound silly bc i was like 'triggered' by smth small but like#all my life thats just how it's been. im not even mean or cruel. i just exist and ppl dont like me or who i am or what i think#i can never be truly myself anywhere. that is sure to result in being all alone 4ever. but i dont like hiding parts of myself#but i have to. but its hard when im trying to hide nd be lowkey but i still manage to make ppl dislike me T-T#idek what im supposed to do bc i just exist nd im not likable. i try to be that but im still not. idk what to do#anyway.. who cares.. j'appartiens seul#but yeah it is bc it's like this for me all the time nd ig that triggered me lmao#i mean just w my sisters.. their issue is just who i am. my personality. i havent been cruel to them. or bullied them. or put them down#they just get irritated from my personality nd who i am. thats what makes them mad. nd they kinda want me to just stop being me nd idk how#to do that and therefore we arent even talking. havent talked for a year#i wanna cry like????? what am i supposed to do??????? im so extremely fucking horrible that just by exisiting nd not being mean or cruel mak#es me unworthy of everything. idk idk like. omg i feel so stupid for being triggered by that#maybe if i had irl friends and a job and a life i wouldnt care but im a fucking loser failure worthless good for nothing idiot. ofc im this
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sleepyseals ยท 2 years
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[Image Description: A digital painting depicting Feldspar standing to the right of a campfire, facing away from the viewer and upwards. They are holding an arm outstretched above them and the other gesticulates as if they were telling a story. Several fireflies surround them and their shadow falls to their right. Wreathed in the smoke of the campfire is a scene of their campsite in Dark Bramble. Three large twisting brambles, the anglerfish fossilโ€™s teeth, and three pine trees are suspended upside down, stretching downwards toward Feldspar and the campfire. A plume of stylized curling smoke stretches across the top of the scene from Feldsparโ€™s ship in the top right corner. The ship is sparking with electrical failure. End Image Description.]
my piece for the @travelers-encore-zine !!! ย I think this came out a bit more conceptual than I wanted but I still like it!
Thank you to the mods for making this happen, putting everything together and being an amazing support team!!! Thank you to my fellow contributors for being so lovely and making such amazing things and sharing this project with me, I'm really happy I got to be a part of it!!
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marsbotz ยท 1 year
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Saw your tag saying FSM haters come fight you. Here I am! Frankly I'm not so much of a hater as I am just of the opinion "wow this guy sure Started All This Shit" but I'm absolutely willing to hear your view of the matter if you're willing to share! Love some Friendly Fandom Discourse (it's healthy tbh) come at me bro ๐Ÿ‘Š ๐Ÿ‘Š ๐Ÿ‘Š
HI LOL.... my personal opinion is that the FSM gets a lot of hate for similar reasons to wu (which i also think are unjustified but that's a different post). like you said he gets a lot of the blame put on him for starting everything that's to come in the show, but i don't really feel like he intended to do any harm.
the FSM was born into a war. when he was still a very young child, he was forced to choose one side of himself, of his family, and destroy the other. and so he ran away. but this world he runs to is chaotic and dangerous. and so again, he is forced to fight for the right to live in peace along with the inhabitants of this world.
but even in this new world, he wasn't safe: the oni followed him, determined to bring him back to fight for them. and after them, the overlord. his whole life, especially when he was younger, he had been fighting, or running from forces that aimed to destroy him.
i believe the FSM was incredibly paranoid throughout his life, worrying that at any moment everything would be ripped away from him. this can be seen in how secretive he was, how much of his history is hidden away. the mech used to win the war against the overlord was sealed away where it could never be found. he granted elemental powers to select people to help keep him safe. even in his death, he hid away, in a place that even wu could not find.
this paranoia carries on through his sons. he taught them both to fight, to protect themselves, when they were also very young. one of the earliest moments we see of them is them fighting with swords! and though he loves them, they are not immune to his secrecy, or his fears. when they steal the scrolls and enter the serpentine territory, he never fully trusts them again. when garmadon gets bitten and starts to turn to evil, he's desperate to cure him. and i don't fully believe that the FSM intended to make garmadon feel broken or "wrong"... just that his fear has so consumed him at this point that he can't see the damage he's doing to his children.
it's also worth noting that despite garmadon's corruption, the FSM never truly hated him. he was left to protect the golden weapons alongside wu, he recieved the same protective enchanted gi, and was left the same clues to find him after his death. it's just that garmadon was unable to see this through the corruption (which is another post).
perhaps all he did was to protect his sons. that seems to be how wu sees it, at least. because wu repeats this same behaviour with the ninja, even if unintentionally. he brings these kids into a war because that happened to him, and his father before him. maybe he doesn't even realise it's wrong. he hides things from them not only because because he's ashamed of his past (again, another post lol), but because his father always hid things from him. it protects wu, but it also protects the ninja.
i don't believe the FSM was a flawless person. hes one of many grey characters in ninjago, and to boil down everything he did to "good" or "bad" is a disservice. maybe you see him as someone who only ever ran from problems instead of truly solving them, maybe you see him as a cruel and neglectful father. and maybe those are both true. but he's also someone who always tried to fight for peace, for himself and everyone in ninjago, and someone who truly loved his sons, despite the damage he did to them both.
so that's who i think the FSM was. an immortal, all powerful godlike being, yes, but also a scared child who just wanted to live peacefully, and would do anything to prevent another war. and maybe he is, in some way, indirectly responsible for every bad thing in the show, but i think this is more of an after-effect of the countless wars and conflict. he did the best he could, and considering all he went through, i think he did alright.
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fourteenthz ยท 1 month
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LOVE AND PEACE ON FUCKING PLANET EARTH
#kelly plays ykz#yakuza 0 spoilers#I'm stopping now its like 7am I prefer to believe they are going to have a dinner and plan a trip to Europe and never come back actually#IM SO OBSESSES WITH THEM IT'S MAKING ME SICK IN THE HEAD#i didn't start this game expecting anything other than brother^tm but you know what. IF#they every single one of majima's old boss can say tell this guy has feelings maybe i can too. yeah. YEAH.#OBSESSED SO BAD with chapter 16 first cutscene... he has absolutely NO hesitation in running up to her.#and the second she goes past him he immediately refuses to let her go.#ITS SO INSANE how he has been so lifeless the last chapter and accepting his fate as a pawn for the next one#to show that fucking face he makes while looking at her. ITS SO WEIRD IN A FANTASTIC WAY my man is having too many feelings he can't#she** can't even see it and it KILLS ME bc he is making the world's puppiest eyes at her IM SO AUAAGAHHAHH SLAMMING MY HEAD ON THE TABLE#I NEED THEM. TO BE. SO NORMAL RN. I NEED THEM TO HAVE SUCH NORMAL DINNER RN.#I'm stopping playing bc i'm not sure that's going to happen so enough tears for today but I JUST. REALLY NEED THEM.#TO HAVE DINNER. HOLDING HANDS. AND THAT'S IS. CAN SOMEONE HEAR ME.#she really is like my top3 favorite characters in this damn game I adore this woman to death.#feeling so majima by his sigh in realief as soon as she stopped walking away when she tripped. the way his damn face changes from pained to#'IDEA!' and imediatelly offers to take her out........................... i'm so unwell at this momento.#I thought if they met again I wouldn't be able to trust majima bc he was so set in being a damn pawn in the previous chapter but man.....#the amount of thoughts behind his eye everytime he looked at her. if they end up playing that as him bring in pain#bc he has to win her over im going to kll a guy. there's no way NO WAY U HEARD ME#thry are literally my everything. there is NO way she is going to survive this game and I'm trying sk damn hard to get#used to that idea but it just sucks i love her so much. and thw worst part i have no idea what's up with majima on the other games#is her dying being his villain storie??? his hero redemption? HELL IF I KNOW. IS SHE EVEN DYING FR??#i truly think they could get away wih shipping her to another country. and it would make sense for majima to insist her to go.#but oh I doubt so hard they are giving me anything but pain with my favorite relationships in this game. i really do.#until then..... lying down in bed.... thoughts abt majima soft expression at her.... abt the weight her voice#carries rn.... abt the way he said 'hey' and she said 'you think I'm emotional because I'm hungry again'..... they. are. so.#the way they dont even give a choice to walk faster when she is accompanying majima.#I have such low standards at this point. if they don't at least hold hands again i will cry.#he doesn't need to guide her around anymore so... u see my vision? him asking for her hand bc he wants to... hello?
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opens-up-4-nobody ยท 2 months
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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minglana ยท 2 months
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girl help my mother has achieved what she couldnt achieve in 23 yrs (give me an ED)
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bunnighost ยท 2 years
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limielle ยท 6 months
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idk i feel like so much discourse could be easily minimized if people learned to say "i think" instead of "it is"
#like โ€œi think this is a bad gameโ€ is way less abrasive/aggressive than โ€œthis is a bad gameโ€#do u know where im going w this like#it's literally 2 extra words and it could avoid like 99% of confrontation#ofc there would still be people who are like โ€œomg how can u hate smth i like ur trashโ€ but idk i feel like so much of this discourse u see#on twt especially#is like ? just people being deliberately aggressive abt stuff they dont like to antagonise others and then going โ€œits just my opinionโ€#and it's hard to read tone online so it's often hard for me (and im sure for others ?? idk actually) to read whether or not sm1 is being#like. just sharing what they think vs them trying to bait out people who will defend smth they like#idk ive been trying to find ffxiv people to follow bc getting back into the game and finally being confident in my art to draw for it also#has me looking for ppl to follow but i wanna avoid the big livetweet first time experiencers and unfortunately that leaves#a lot of people who are afraid of dawntrail/unhappy with the current patch quests#of which i am neither and i also dont want to log on to the internet every day just to see ppl shitting on things u know ?#and i have seen a LOT of like#'x sucked' and 'fandom lacks critical reading skills' and whatnot#but then u see what theyre talking abt and all theyre doing is shitting on the game itself or going 'x expansion was mid'#like . if u stopped phrasing ur opinions as objective fact i feel like maybe ud avoid half those arguments id k???#just words#SORRY im talkative today the truth is i worked on a drawing veyr hard and i do not have the strength to colour it but it will not look good#without colour and i feel like i cant move on without it so i went and replayed shadowbringers instead and cried a lot#and now i have lots of icarus feelings again#WOW loiok at me writing an essay out here i overshare so much im sorry
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puppyeared ยท 8 months
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man ok so you know the spiciness scale on menus that show you how spicy a dish is so you can order based on your tolerance. can we have that for sauces too please
#im being serious btw. the sauce to rice ratio is very important and sacred to me#whenever i eat at home i get to choose how much sauce i can have with my rice because i dont like absolutely dousing it but i still wanna b#able to taste it yanno. i dont do well with slippery/saucy foods and ive given up trying to understand it. it might be a sensory thing#i am so sorry to admit this on the soup website but i cant handle thick/chunky sauces or curry. forgive me#the worst part is that i actually can handle and even enjoy some like caldereta and congee. but its so hard to tell people ill eat this but#not that.. its embarassing because it feels like im making exceptions. which i am!! because its preference!! but alas#but anyway with the sauce scale. i was thinking it would be nice to include a scale for how much sauce you want with a dish#rather than just skirting away from a food because you feel like you cant handle the texture or feel unsure about it#sauce could be adjustable without completely changing the recipe so it would be more like a matter of quantity or serving size#also i feel like i can make cool names for the scale. like โ€œlight drizzleโ€ to โ€œsauceageddonโ€#im asian so when i eat sauce i pair it with rice and it works because the rice kind of cancels out or makes the sauce more tolerable for me#with caldereta i make it an even 50/50 because i can taste it in the rice without the texture getting in the way#but with pasta and sauce its normally 1/3 sauce because the pasta normally isnt enough to cancel it out#i also grew up with relatives making fun of my eating habits and i really really hate eating at restaurants and gatherings because of it#maybe its because they want to make sure im eating right but!! you dont have to call me out for my 1/3 portion of spaghetti sauce!! damn!!!#anyway im not sure if anyone feels the same abt this and maybe its just me. but it would be really nice to have this a normal thing#without judging ppl for their eating habits and preferences. on god#yapping#food ment#EDIT: ASKING FOR SAUCE ON THE SIDE. MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED. I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS A THING
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anaalnathrakhs ยท 1 month
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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silenthillbunni ยท 25 days
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5 million male chicks per year are brutally murdered right after birth bc they're "worthless" to the egg industry yet im supposed to believe that humans arent inherently evil lmao shut the fuck up
#5 million only in sweden#imagine the number in the entire world#imagine all the other animals that are being slaughtered#god i wanna throw up humanity is so so so evil#we play god#we think we have the right to first make sure animals get raped (breeding at an unnatural rate is rape)#then have these animals in HORRIBLE 'living' conditions (ppl liken their conditions to actual hell!!)#and not only that the human workers more often than not sadistically torture nd abuse them before slaughtering them#on top of that... humans are so fucking useless they throw away most of meat and animal products#they like buy a package of meat then theyre too braindead to cook w it so it goes bad nd they throw it out#i dont know#all of this is unnatural and unholy. none of this is how its suplosed to be#we didnt get life just to put ourselves on top and then abuse and torture every other living being like this#no humanity is a sickness. humans are a cancer. a parasite. the more i think abt it the more im cemented in that belief#ppl act like 1% of 'goodness' weighs up for the profound harm and cruelty humans have set loose on this earth. thats a fucking joke!#god what the fuck is wrong with humanity. it's like everything went wrong .. well from the start rlly#humans (mostly men if we're being honest. women dont have nor act on such depraved desires) been fucking insane#animals arent cruel or sadistic. they follow their nature. the eating and killing isnt more than that#sure some animals like cats have sadistic behaviors. but that is nowhere near the scale humans act on it#like cats dont lock mice in a facility nd force them to breed nd then torture them in insane amounts nd so on so forth#humans are wrong. im certain that we were never meant to live like this. it's all insanity. the worst part it. 99.99% of ppl are part of it#it's so hard to find anyone who's intelligent enough to comprehend this. theyre all braindead megalomaniac sheep w a superiority complex#i cant connect w anyone bc of it#i just get so disappointed when i realize someone's just as braindead as everyone else nd then i stop caring abt them. everyone r this way.#idk how to live with these humans. theyre all fucking insane
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waywardsalt ยท 7 months
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oh yeah iโ€™ve got a bunch of loz aus that i havenโ€™t really talked about. a few of them are listed and slightly explained in this poll and explanation reblog but i havenโ€™t gone out of my way to actually list the aus i have and really explain them. so thatโ€™s what this post is for. here are some... decently simple explanations of my major aus and what they're generally about
i have two kinds of aus: original aus (loz aus that are set in their own kinds of worlds with their own stories and twists on character roles) and then crossover aus (we all know how this works i just mash loz and a thing i like together)
original aus: (many currently dont have actual titles, so the titles will often just be concept shorthand)
in the court of the crimson king/crimson king au: probably the most developed and closest to being written out. it's got one of the longer premises; set in a industrial-esque hyrule city, following linebeck as the main character, as the adoptive older brother of link and aryll, living with them and their grandmother as the only one able to reliably make money to pay for rent and food, leaving every other work to do jobs, but he moonlights as the 'demon of the gray moon', a masked persona he'd created as a child that had long since become a city-wide urban legend, anonymously taking unsavory jobs from whomever can contact him and offer pay, often working directly for bellum, a childhood friend, the one who enabled and trained him to become the demon, and one of five anonymous leaders of the city. linebeck effectively lives a double life, and tries to stay out of too much trouble to avoid drawing attention to himself or making his adoptive family worry, but he gets dragged into more and more danger as bellum becomes curious about the identities of the city's other leaders, and linebeck falls in love with a man named ganondorf, suspected to be one of those other city leaders. ive got a few posts related to it already: this one being another vague concept descriptor, this one being an actual scene i have written out.
'gimmick' au: i cannot explain the gimmick without spoiling the au. put simply, in this au, hyrule as a whole has been at war for ten years, every race and kingdom taking sides in a conflict that seems to be going nowhere. link joined the hylian army young, and has made his way up the ranks to become trusted by queen zelda herself, and things in the war take an interesting turn as he and zelda discover a new faction, unaligned with any particular kingdom and with unknown motives, and zelda decides to set out to the different parts of hyrule, link and a chosen group of trusted allies in tow, intending to try negotiation one more time before things take a turn for the worse.
sci-fi/space au: the fun one that probably would need to be done in a visual medium. it takes place in a solar system of a few planets, link growing up on the planet hyrule and occasionally traveling to the others as a knight specializing in investigating and taking down dangerous bounty hunters, working for zelda as a friend. he and zelda uncover a plot by the yiga clan to accumulate a number of highly dangerous research and weapons held by each species as they aim to resurrect a demon to wreck havoc on the solar system- the b plot being about the top bounty hunters in the solar system screwing around, eventually colliding with link and zelda's a plot as it begins to involve them.
murder mystery(?) au: one of the older ones, maybe one of the oldest that i still stick with. this might actually be one of the first ones i tried writing. the plot begins when zelda returns to hyrule city years after her father- the former mayor- was murdered, finding that he has been replaced by ganondorf and that while things seem fine enough on the surface, random and organized crime run the show, and she begins a private detective agency as 'sheik', a masked young man, and with the help of impa, and old friend and confidant, she moonlights as sheik and uses her daytime identity as zelda to help chip away at some of the city's biggest problems and finds herself drawn into a long string of murders that appear to be anything but random violence.
ruined hyrule 1: i have two auโ€™s with the premise of hyrule being ruined. neither of them have more specific names yet. this one begins with the majority of greater hyrule's population having long since locked themselves in hyrule castle town in order to escape the increasingly dangerous wildlife. zelda, a young girl at the beginning, becomes curious about what lies beyond the city walls, and makes friends with many other children within this sheltered hyrule, and as they grow up together, aim to eventually venture out into the wilderness to see what may have caused the outside world to become so incredibly hostile.
ruined hyrule 2: the other ruined hyrule. set in a devastated hyrule, roughly ten years after the royal family was killed, link failing to save them or hyrule in the time since. he now resolves to set out and indiscriminately destroy every demon that plagues the ruined hyrule, meeting and bringing along various allies, each of which has been uniquely affected by and have different lived in this altered, dangerous shell of hyrule.
modern (school): i also have two modern aus. this one isnโ€™t plot driven, just a concept i have, would work best as little vignettes or something. essentially just the idea of a group of loz characters hanging out together in a modern high school (or college?) setting.
modern: this is the one with an actual plot. follows the general idea of zelda characters living in a modern world only for the typical legends to begin resurfacing and heralding dark events. plot specifics are murky, but that's the general idea.
dark mage: this is the au that where the seas meet the sands takes place in. basically just ganondorf x linebeck shenanigans in this alternate hyrule while actual plot sneaks up on them. named 'dark mage' mostly because the initial idea behind this au was that linebeck would learn magic.
horror au: doesn't have the best name, and it's ended up just being a personal sandbox for me. constantly changing, with the cast and setting often altering if i find that something isn't working or sticking. it's an au i've considered (and even briefly tried) writing in the past, but it's still too fluid, and writing horror effectively is difficult. it's a fun au, though.
mecha au: spawned because i watched neon genesis evangelion. a lot of this au's basic concepts can be found here: x but the short version is that hyrule is being besiged by massive monsters, but each race has created their own mechs to combat them. link is just a farmer who happens to have a strange knack for being a mech user, so is brought in by zelda as a gamble to bolster their chances, and he is tasked with working with a new and less-than-trustworthy crew to help fight those monsters.
'amnesia link' au: an au that sprang up in about a day and hasn't gotten too far since. basic premise being that three years prior to the story, link and a group of allies has faced off against ganondorf and, despite their best efforts, lost, with link being presumed dead by their enemies. now, link has woken up from his coma, his memories gone and hyrule taken over, and, with guidance, must once again travel across hyrule, aiming to rediscover his allies and try to face ganondorf once more.
A quick list of crossovers: I won't explain these in length, since they can range from having their own plot to just being a fun mental concept. So, the things I have made crossover aus with are:
Warrior Cats
Batman
Jojo's Bizarre Adventure
Persona 5
Pokemon
(there are other, smaller ones, these are just the ones i consistently pay attention to)
So! These are the majority of my legend of zelda aus, some of which I may write, some of which just exist in my mind for fun, all of which I wouldn't mind talking more about if anyone is curious!
#i had to find an actual list i made to remember most of these tbh#salty talks#salty's loz aus#lmk if any of the colored text on here is hard to read i can change it#for some of the duplicate name aus the colors help me remember which is which but ill change it if it makes it hard to read#this took absolute ages to finish partially bc i dont have much physical evidence of these aus. they live in my mind and my mind only#my favorite little tidbit is that in the space au linebeck is a bounty hunter known for being a really skilled sniper#and i did not. in fact. be inspired by sniper tf2. this au predates my knowing about tf2. space au linebeck is inspired by fuckin#ttgl yoko littner and sao (gags) sinon. this will always be funny to me. space au linebeck is probably one of my favorite au linebecks#fun fact also. counting the crossover aus linebeck plays an antagonistic role at some point in 10 of these aus#also anyways worth reminding that a lot of this shit isnt actually very developed. the murder mystery au does not have a lot of actual plot#most of the developed plot stuff in these aus tends to be directly connected to linebecks role in the story bc a lot of these aus happen to#exist bc one day i was like hm what if linebeck was in (hyperspecific situation that led to the creation of one of these aus)#gimmick au is a really good example of how a linebeck in xyz situation thought can spawn a huge fucking story#but i cant get too specific abt that without spoiling the fucking gimmick and ive already said too much#'dark mage' au is also called that bc i think it was REALLY inspired by me thinking abt linebeck in the fe awakening male dark mage outfit#this has been sitting in my drafts for. so long. and then in two days i slammed all of those out and bam. here we are#the crossover aus list is also a list of 'media that also gave me brainworms and therefore got the honor of meshing with the Big Interest'#im not even a big time batman fan i just saw the 2022 movie and scrolled through an entire blog dedicated to harvey dent#i know so fucking much about harvey dent. why is dc so fucking bad about him#anyways welcome to the bottom of the tags. hope you enjoyed your stay. these r my weird loz aus#post-ph isnt here cuz i dont consider it an au. its something else between โ€˜auโ€™ and โ€˜speculative canonโ€™
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opens-up-4-nobody ยท 8 months
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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