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#I have been in a very angry headspace recently
x-rds · 2 years
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[Lio] It’s also. Can I say? Brain? It’s also so fucking rude that every time we are going through it and someone new gets plucked out of the primordial darkness to “handle it” that they are then blasted with the full 1000% raw fucking bad vibes energy and the rest of us just have to witness that (which also hits us with it residually), none of us can do fuckall about it, and then spoilers: that is Too Much for them to handle and we have to not only deal with the same fucking situation still, but also a brand new fucked up guy who had no say in whether or not they fucking Exist On This Planet. Like even babies are like. They have a chance to gradually cope with things. But new bastards in ye olde Crossroads? Get blasted with beam of fucking psychic evisceration the moment you start existing and then you look around and see a handful of chucklefucks who have gone through this same fucking traumatic brain-hazing and it’s like. Ok! Why is literally nothing fixed by this series of events
#liolog#=I want you all to understand that headspace has been full of Screaming. for like. Days.#=Not random fearful screaming I mean like Angry Guy In A Song screaming. that guttural but melodic rage type screaming#=on account of the guy that the Brain decided to try to mop up its emotional mess with is A Fucking Bard#=whose power comes from His Fucking Voice like that’s his Instrument he’s a fucking Whispers bard#=and in his defense I do not believe that he actually has much power over this turn of events I think he’s being just bombarded with#our brain’s introductory fucking excruciating psychic beams#=so he’s just mostly been inside of like a fucking. storm bubble? emotional Hell bubble? being only maybe 25% aware of anything and#=otherwise being delirious and getting psychically assaulted and shouting his head off#=which anyone even a little bit near front can hear very fucking loudly#=he’s become more aware recently from what I can tell but like also. still suffering. at this point it’s like. ok. is this necessary?#=can we not just watch some funny YouTube and then go to bed and go to work tomorrow?#=can we not just dissociate or something? must it be this. must this new guy be tortured by our malfunctioning emotional processes#=for like days straight#=like come ON brain you have to know this won’t work right.#=you are filling a bucket with water and the bucket has holes in it. like you get that right#=anyways. we’re very tired. I feel bad for the new guy. I literally cannot do anything about this.#=except wait for it to either pass or like. idk we dissociate enough that we don’t feel it anymore or something
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sn0wshimmer · 8 months
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Systems, be kind to your “problematic” alters. No, I don’t mean don’t give them consequences for their actions, and no, I don’t mean just let them wreak havoc on your life. But I do mean try to work with them instead of against them.
We have one of these problematic alters. Her name is Nyx. She holds a lot of the trauma and holds a lot of mental illness symptoms and addiction problems. She embodies some of the worst parts of our abusers. Nyx has intense emotions that she can’t always control, she can be manipulative, nasty, mean, she takes front and suddenly we’ve been on a bender for four days and she’s been a total bitch to everyone who loves us and who we love. She self-harms, she’s the reason for a lot of our near misses with suicide. When we say she can be problematic, we MEAN IT.
We’ve spent years fighting with her, trying to keep her in headspace, treating her coldly. She always breaks out of containment. She’s weirdly good at it. But recently we’ve started thinking that Nyx’s propensity for breaking out is, in part, our brain trying to tell us something. Because after years of fighting against her, we decided to try something new. We saw her being angry and bitchy about a particular guy our partner was talking to, and instead of condemning her and locking her up, we asked her why.
Nyx didn’t know the answer at first, so we waited with her until she figured it out. She then explained that she feels like expressing her needs makes her a bad person (which is almost definitely an internalized message from our abuser), but circumstances around this particular guy were making her feel really insecure, and in the absence of being able to talk about what her actual feelings are, she tried to get rid of the threat by being overall angry and negative about him. In essence? Nyx feels like she can’t express needs because she feels like she should be able to meet them independently. So, the needs go unmet, and she ends up resorting to underhanded tactics to meet them, which doesn’t always work because people can’t read her mind, and then it builds up into a much bigger problem than it was originally.
And you know what? That’s something we can work with.
In one of our first acts of real system cooperation, we coaxed her into talking to our partner about how she felt, and she did, and she even wound up apologizing for her behaviour, on her own, without any of us making her. 
We decided that instead of locking her back up, we’d give her the grace of letting her have a little freedom, and asked her not to go on a bender or self sabotage relationships. And you know what she did with front the next day?
She put on a cute outfit, put temporary pink hair dye in our hair, had a drink and a smoke at dinner with our parents and brother, and went to see the Barbie movie with our mom and nana. Not exactly the unhinged behaviour we’ve come to expect from her. The most unhinged thing she did was the hair dye, and honestly? The colour is temporary and it looks good on us. She showed off the outfit to anyone who would give her the time of day, and it was honestly adorable. She was so happy and excited to feel like a cute girl! It’s a very different side of her, but one that’s been here the whole time.
And all it took was offering her some understanding, teamwork and trust. She hasn’t gotten better overnight. She still has a lot of problems. There is still work to be done with her. But you know what did happen overnight? She’s agreed to work with us at all.
So yeah. Be kind to your problematic alters, because that’s the first step of cooperation.
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lynxgriffin · 4 months
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OKAY there were a lot of asks specifically for the most recent comics, so I figured it'd be easiest to just try and respond to all in one big block rather than clog up your dash with multiple asks!
Yeah, the problem with where Kris is now is that no one's really going to discourage them from going on a revenge quest, and there's no one around to really help them process the feelings of what happened. Not a good headspace to be in!
I would say they are about 17 now, so a little older than I would have them be in canon. So yeah, they were already living with the Dreemurrs for a few years.
He would be happy to share a cup of tea and some cake with friendly humans!
Maybe he's got a lot of practice at it! And yeah, usually not a good sign when a demon prince wants your soul.
Yes, the ceremony done incorrectly could have sent a human to the wrong place in the Dark World. The mark they put on Kris's forehead to show "who the gift was intended for" was actually very important in getting Kris directly to Ralsei.
Yeah, I suppose that may be inevitable since UT and DR themselves have so many overlapping elements! And some folks do think that Kris is DR's version of Chara (although I have my own thoughts on that, personally). At least with Chara, Asriel was there to dissuade them from actually carrying through on their intentions!
I think you mean Ralsei, but yup, he's just trying to be helpful!!
Kris at the moment doesn't have reason to suspect that Asriel was a part of the cult or the plan, but is also definitely primed to act rashly. Unfortunately, they probably can't actually talk until Kris gets back to the light world.
Yes, Ralsei would have let Kris stay at his castle as long as they wanted. Might have been all right, but after awhile Kris probably would have gotten bored and angry enough to want to leave.
Yes, they do, which is why they were suspicious of Ralsei offering them a bunch of desserts at first.
Well, hopefully parenthood (or adoptive parenthood) isn't the same as soul ownership! ;P
Thank you! I admit, I'm a giant sucker for that imagery.
Aaaand now they've lost that, too. Oops!
Ralsei is just all smiles about this arrangement!
There really is nothing quite so demonic as fine print, honestly.
Well, they quickly read through the main part of it. They may have skipped over a lot of the fine print, though.
Ralsei's just like... "Ambitious, but doable!"
It's more about what Kris now is to Ralsei than the other way around!
Oh Kris didn't exactly trust Ralsei fully, but was pretty much like "well, this seems like my best option, so I'll just take what I can get and worry about the consequences later."
Ralsei is being honest when he says that he wants companionship from Kris. The problem is is what "companionship" looks like to an immortal demon prince may not always be mutually beneficial for Kris. And there's no distance restrictions now; Kris can move as far away from Ralsei as they want, and Ralsei's still the one with power over their soul.
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softpine · 1 month
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I just remembered you haven't seen Twilight but I'm going to ask anyway! Do you know what teams your characters would be? Like team Edward or Team Jacob? Oh! Actually I'm also curious what Fandoms would they be in? I recent realized im a Bielieber
oh i have seen the first twilight movie!! i just wasn't a fan. but it was my best friend's favorite series so i do know a lot about it! was anyone actually team jacob? he's like gale in the hunger games. the only reason anyone would actually prefer them is because they're Not the main love interest (sorry to any galeheads out there...)
anyway now i want to imagine what fandoms each of them would be in, so:
🎭 caroline: well, she's a great artist and a monster fucker.. i don't think i have to spell out what she was doing online fjkjsdsj and she loved comic books as a kid, so i feel like at the start of the MCU madness she was really hype and then she got more and more angry with the state of things
💬 beth: she's written some star trek fanfiction more highly researched than her master's thesis and she loved nsync because what is a baby dyke without her emotional support boy band / comphet crushes
🎸 danny: music is the obvious answer, but i'm not familiar with musical history so i can't go into detail 😭 but his dad introduced him to bob dylan and taught him how to play guitar, then he learned piano, then he taught himself how to produce his own music from scratch. this was in the 90s btw so it wasn't very easy to learn. also he used to seriously follow skateboarding
⛅ mikaela: she loved old school country music from female artists like tanya tucker, reba mcintire, loretta lynn, etc. she's less interested in modern country but she looooves shania twain. and she's worked nights (first as a bartender, then a nurse) for most of her life, so she got really into daytime soaps
🌲 asa: he's literally the only one on this list where i'm like...... stumped. he doesn't pay attention to anything online, celebrities, music (he'll listen to whatever), movies (doesn't care), could never commit to watching a whole tv show, etc. he's very floaty and daydreamy? lmao he just doesn't have the headspace to get attached to fictional media like that
🎥 finn: we know he's always been a harrison ford fan boy and in any universe where he survives past the 80s he's a huge nirvana fan!! (if he and jules had a son, they would've named him kurt... he's deeply serious) he's also read every stephen king book that came out while he was alive. he was a big reader in general, particularly horror
🧸 stevie: canon seth rogen super fan, has seen every adam sandler movie (every last one of them) and i knowww she knows the fnaf lore... as soon as she finishes a show/movie she likes to find the weirdest fan art to terrorize her followers. also loves musicals and wants to see cats on broadway someday (a girl can dream)
🎀 elaine: she loves following celebrity news but she watches them like animals in the zoo; ie. she's observing from afar, she has no personal stake in them. she's a frequent flyer on gossip forums like fauxmoi. she was on the ground floor of lipstickgate and was SEATED for dramageddon. and she had a serious twilight phase
🎨 jada: SOMEONE on this list had to get assigned supernatural... i'm not saying it just to say it, i really think she would connect with (early seasons) sam what with the dead mom... fear of losing their humanity... having powers they don't understand... a hot girl manipulating them to use their abilities in sketchy ways... yeah. i'm sure she has favorite contemporary artists (painters specifically) that she'd be able to talk about on end but sadly i don't know anything about that world 😭 oh and she's kind of obsessed with hate-reading booktok books to feel alive
🏈 casper: sports count as fandoms and i don't want to hear a word about it!! his team is the patriots but he's kind of a fairweather fan (maine doesn't have an nfl team so he doesn't have that state loyalty factor). miley cyrus is his problematic fave forever but he's kind of a pop girlie in general
💋 coco: in high school she was a speedcuber if that gives you an idea of what we're working with here.... she grew up with pokemon, naruto, dragon ball z, she collected trading cards, etc. she still likes anime and video games and stuff, she just doesn't have the time to get invested like she used to, and it makes her sad because it reminds her of her late best friend liam. she makes time to play fortnite and minecraft with his little brother and she plays other games on twitch sometimes. has done a LOT of cosplay. she's a huge nerd basically
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littlemisspascal · 2 months
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How do you find time and/or inspiration to keep up with your writing? I've read plenty of your fanfics and I love them!
I am stuck in this loop of trying to continue my fics, but I keep overthinking it and that silly voice in my head says that none else will read it and like it... Advice on that?
Hello Anon 👋 Thank you so much for reading my fics! That really brightened my whole weekend 💙
You're definitely not alone with your battle to continue writing fics, I know there's hundreds of fellow writers out there, very much including me, that struggle too! And I also know each of us has our own tips and advice for how to keep going, and what works for some doesn't work for others.
For me, these past 2 years in particular have been some of my worst when it comes to writing and resuming wips. And that's 90% because I let my insecurity--that irritating voice in my head--convince me that in a giant fandom of gems and talent, my stuff was somehow worth less compared to everybody else. So you'll see a lot of my stuff has remained frozen and untouched for weeks, months, years. The other 10% is because life got messy too, which also affected my headspace.
To keep a long story short, this year I wanted to be different. I got an app on my phone that I schedule my daily tasks on to keep me better organized and I learned in the process how much I love having structure in my life rather than just...kind of waiting to be in the mood for something. I've started scheduling 10 minutes a day for writing--because once a task is broken down, it doesn't seem so daunting anymore, ya know? And sometimes I find once those 10 minutes have passed, I actually am in a good enough flow to keep going a bit longer. Other times I'm stumped after 10 minutes or have something else to do and so I stop--and I don't get angry with myself or tell myself I should do better/more. That's just unnecessary negativity. Giving yourself credit actually goes a really really long way in boosting your overall confidence + mood I recently learned.
Also I got myself a really really sweet and wonderful support buddy in @beecastle 🐝💗 She's convinced my at least 800 times not to delete my stuff and/or that I'm not the worst writer in existence.
I still struggle a lot, don't get me wrong. And there's fics I may or may not ever finish, Idk the future. But that's okay. At the end of the day, the thing that matters most is you're writing the fic you want to read--and if that voice says no one will read it, well. You can yell back at that negative thought and call it untrue because you're someone 😊
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asterism-collective · 2 months
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Hey! We don't know if you answer asks like this so feel free to ignore it, but recently we found a headmate from a long time ago who has their own separate innerworld and speaks of headmates who also were once there. As far as we know, we don't think we're polyfragmented, but we are unsure what this discovery means (if this is just some deep dissociated bit or a sidesystem, if that is what it is. But we know sidesystems are strictly a polyfrag things which is what confuses us). Do you have any tips on what this might be? Thank you and again, completely not forced to answer! /gen /nf
Hey! No I love getting asks dw about it
And from what you’ve described, that’s very much a SUBsystem. you can have subsystems without being polyfragmented, it isn’t an exclusive thing. I’m not sure abt OSDD systems, but for sure you can have ‘normal’ DID with groupings like that outside of being polyfragmented.
You said SIDEsystens which is a completely different thing, that is exclusive to RAMCOA and is an entire system with its own subsystems completely disconnected from the main system.
For us we have the main system which we call the East system and that was who we’ve been for as far back as we’ve known before finding the other ones— we have layers, subsystems and many alters in it. Of which are cluster subsystems (aka multiple alters that always front with one another) and we have alter-with-alters subsystems!
For example:
Sabrina has a subsystem— child Sabrina, Angry Sabrina, Emotionless Sabrina etc, she presents as one alter but switches internally and has a little room for a headspace. She interacts with other alters in the system.
There’s the Sad Girl Trio subsystem with 3 alters called Cordelia, Dolly and Ghostie. They have higher amnesia barriers but they are also still within this system because our gatekeeper can still make them front or contact them etc.
In a sidesystem, completely separate (not even layers because the sidesystems have layers and their own organizations since they are made purposefully) we have only subsystems— a group of alters that focus on denying all trauma, a group of alters that are programmed to be unquestionably obedient, etc. there isn’t an alter that isn’t part of a subsystem or some hierarchy higherup group as well.
Kinda rambled here but I hope I answered your question, do ask if you still want more clarification or anything
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plural-affirmations · 4 months
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not a request, but i just want to say thank you. i have OSDD-1a and found out fairly recently, i've been in major denial about it even though my mom and partner have been like "no.. that makes sense.. let us help you... it's okay!" and that's just been making me feel even more guilty because i already knew i was schizoaffective and had BPD and already kinda felt like a burden because of that so I've finally gotten around to researching dissociative symptoms more to see how accurate this whole thing actually is... and thank you. at first i was crying and getting angry thinking, no it can't be, how is so much of this so relatable? I can't really be a system can I? and I realized, my main hang up is just as someone who is cephalaconcious (THANK YOU for teaching me that word by the way holy shit) I hate calling myself a system. And I have aphantasia so my innerworld doesn't really feel that complex compared to how other people describe theirs. Which makes me feel even weirder about calling myself a system. I call my splits exactly that, splits, which I feel is accurate for my experience with OSDD-1a. And anything going on in my brain amongst splits I just refer to as headspace, even if it's technically innerworld stuff? I don't know if there's actually a difference. But basically, I want to say thank you for opening my eyes to the fact I need help and it's okay to need it and ask for it, and also I wanted to ask, is referring to them as splits okay? Or is that bad/weird to do? I know some people call them friends and I like that for some of them but I also have a couple protectors (I think I'm using that correctly I'm sorry this is all really new for me) that I'm not very fond of, so friends doesn't work as an umbrella term for me. Thanks for reading this! Sorry for infodumping, this was originally just gonna be a quick thank you.
Hey, no worries at all for the ask length anon! I'm totally ok with long messages :) And I'm so glad you've found our blog meaningful to you! 💙 We truly try our best, even if our posting gets a bit spotty now and then lately, haha.
First of all, I wanted to say, in case no one's told you today... I'm so proud of you! Discovering there's more than one consciousness in your body can be really life-changing and overwhelming, so you're handling it really well from what I can tell!
And, you mentioned terminology concerns, so I'll go over those.
It's ok to not call yourself a system if you don't want to! You can just be "a person with OSDD-1A", if you find that the most fitting for you! Or "plural", or "median" (explanation of median: link), or any number of labels. It's about you are your brain buddies' comfort levels.
"Splits" is totally ok to use, too! Some other words you could use are ones such as headmates, system members, sysmates, friends, alters, and probably others I'm forgetting. We made a whole post about it, I'll link it here: link 2
And, yes! "Headspace" and "innerworld" are typically interchangeable synonyms for most people. You can say either! :)
"Protectors" is probably correct, though you may want to look into the definition of persecutors, too: link 3
I hope this has found you well! Please stay safe, keep in touch if you need absolutely anything else, and happy syscovery!
🖤💜💙💚💛
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hangeslefteye · 10 months
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Hellooo
First of all CONGRATULATIONS! ❤️😌
Then, I'd like to join the matcup event please!
I prefer males
I'm an ambivert, Pisces, XSFP
My love language is Words Of Affirmation, thennn Physical Touch/Quality Time, it's a tie, they both come in second place.
So um, I'm friendly, optimistic, considerate and polite, funny, a gentlewoman~. Even tho I avoid conflict with all of my being, I'm not afraid of breaking stupid rules or openly going against silly norms.
I'm wise and mature, but also I slip into little-space frequently so I need to mention it. I get a bit clingy in that headspace and like to draw cute little things in any paper I can find, I prefer it if it's someone else's notebook or something 😂 I ask for permission ofc, but I like to leave them as little gifts or to test the limits as to see "how important am I to YOU? will you let me draw a little cow and his flower friend on this very important paper or not??" Lol
About my hobbies, sometimes I like to cook and bake. I'm an artsy person in nature but I don't always create art.
and I like researching out-of-body experiences so I've been experimenting with them for a couple of years now, that's what I'm passionate about at the moment.
Now the negative-ish traits, I'm sensitive, can't handle harsh behavior OR anything horror. I've been spoiled my whole life now I don't know what responsibility is x0 I need my free time and get anxious if I have a busy schedule. (I have anxiety in general)
I rarely get angry, almost never. If I'm upset or jealous I tend to sulk ^^"
A good thing about me in a romantic relationship would be that since I'm very mature and understanding, no silly drama will happen. It will be a peaceful flow but I have high expectations and standards too.
A red flag would be that because of my anxiety I can be a bit dependent on the people around me to accompany me through certain things. Like going with me to certain places 👉👈 also I'm scared of commitment so I tend to keep my walls up when it comes to serious romance and I get shy af about it. I'm a playful flirt-er but when it comes to actual ROMANCE- I get defensive and deep down embarrassed. So I guess it takes a patient person who's willing to push a little.
Few random things that I LOVE are: picnics! Watching the stars, swinging (yk, playground swings), swimming, pastel pink color, making new friends, and going to amusement parks🥰
That should be enough. Thank youuuu
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Sorry for the late reply and thankss <3
I'd ship you with Jeaaan!!! Ok, I recently mentioned Jean a lot but when I read your ask for the first time Jean flashed into my mind.A gentleman for a gentlewoman let's say.
First things first he'd literally be the handbag boyfriend, you can drag him to anywhere,he'd be quite clingy himself anyways.He might occasionally nag, but he'd find it cute anyways.
He's that one loud 'EXCUSE ME!! SHE WANTS TO ORDER FRİES!!!' bf xD
As a hopeless romantic,he's not the shy type and definitely he'd be the more assertive one that can initiate relationship steps.And this guy waited for Mikasa for how many years?Like pls, HE İS PATİENCE.
Also drawing little things to a paper is so... :') That's lovely and Jean would return such tiny acts so enthusiastically.He loves drawing too!
Jean is someone quite responsible and aware,he can keep you more grounded and safe with your responsibilities without overwhelming you.
And someone really needs to tell him how well he's been doing :') Words Of Affirmation is so needed for Jean because you know...he often feels incompetent and he needs someone to encourage him.
On the other hand he can really use someone energetic,bright and romantic like you.His tsundere-ish energy was made for you XD Even though he's a gentleman he surely has a tough-guy act that makes everything better :D
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splendidissimus · 4 months
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2007ish - Sacrifice arc pt 2
((Content warning: hospital, potential permanent disability, ))
Genre: hurt/comfort / aftermath
Romance level: some
Angst level: 2/5
Draco's headspace: angry / fine
((words: ~4300))
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((picking up immediately after this adventure ))
The Lumos Theo cast lit up the hall like daylight, and he helped Draco out of the tomb and up the roughly hewn stone passage. it was different from the rest of the tomb, he noticed; the actual chambers had been well-finished, even if age had worn them down and made it dirty. This was just carved straight through the side of the mountain with no sense of decoration or comfort, no finishing touches. Almost like a workman's tunnel.
They felt the movement of cold, fresh air currents before anything else, and when they turned the final corner in the hall that had become more like a cave, they could see stars — the tunnel simply opened to the elements. He hadn't realised they'd been in there long enough for it to get dark. 
They were fairly high up the side of the mountain, and the ground around them was rough and steep. The tunnel was probably barely visible from below, and basically inaccessible. He found some evidence that some animal — hippogriff, he thought, by the claw marks — used it occasionally, but nothing that looked very recent, so it should be okay to stop. 
"Here, Draco." He guided him to the wall at the edge of the tunnel mouth where they could have fresh air and the breathtaking view. "Sit down, let's take care of you. I need your potion bag." 
Draco made a vague sound and let him move him around. It took him a long moment to start fumbling at his pocket, awkwardly reaching across himself. He was very badly out of it, the effect of the revival spell fading already. 
"It's all right, I'll get it." He caught Draco's thin hand and set it back in his lap, and dug through his pocket himself.
When he pulled out the potion case Draco carried, he focused very firmly on his control and unshrank the bag and its contents, so that the stone he had made didn't interfere with the spell. It worked without incident, luckily.
"Here, Draco. Drink this." He put a blood replenishing potion in his hand and lifted it from his lap. He wasn't completely sure Draco could hear him or understand, so he helped him, lifting the potion for him and holding the back of his head gently to help him drink it. 
The net effect of taking a blood replenishing potion while still sporting open wounds was that he immediately started bleeding more; blood poured out of the claw marks on his neck, and even his bandaged and tourniqueted arms leaked new blood. But Draco was resistant to healing magic, so it wasn't always a simple matter to close his wounds, and taking the potion would keep him safe until it could be dealt with. 
The second effect was the eerily near-instant way alertness came back to him. He blinked his eyes open and took a deep breath, and shifted up straighter against the wall, looking around. "We're out?" He wiped his mouth and handed back the bottle absently.
"Yeah." He rubbed his leg and shifted to sit beside him. "I'm about to try to heal all this, but we'll still have to go to the hospital, or you'll have some nasty scars. I don't have anything here to deal with cursed wounds." 
"I figured." He held out his right arm.
The gash in Draco's arm was pretty nasty looking, when he unwrapped it, inflamed and ragged, oozing sluggishly. Inferius wounds were known to fester no matter how they were cared for, and these had barely received any care at all. 
But he had Aethelmaer's stone now. Cor Magicae. The Heart of Magic. What Inferi scratch was going to defy him?
He clutched the stone in his off hand, focusing on how it warmed his hand and pulsed almost in time with his heartbeat, and ran his wand over Draco's wounds, chanting Vulnera Sanentur. 
It was easy. Easy. The wound stopped bleeding without any resistance, and then the skin came back together at his thought. He ran the wand over it a third time to remove the curse, and the colour improved immediately. The ragged line where the wound had been was still visible, but that could be treated to keep it from scarring. 
"Any pain?" he asked, massaging Draco's arm experimentally.
"Plenty, but that doesn't hurt anymore."
"Good."
Draco glanced down at his limp other arm, then toward his face. "My left hand…" His tone of voice was exactly the kind of measured calm that was used to cover that he felt uneasy.
"I know. That problem's different; it's been wearing the tourniquet too long." He glanced up at the starry sky. "Six hours or so, I figure. It will be badly damaged by now. Saint Mungo's will have to deal with that." He patted his knee and peeled the sodden makeshift bandage off his neck wounds. These ones had actual black lines radiating from them under the skin, travelling along his veins. It was a very good thing he was here. "I can take care of these, though, so hopefully you won't need a second potion."
Draco nodded stiffly and laid his head back against the wall to give him the best access to them. 
Five minutes of chanting and wandwork, the alchemical heart hot and electrifying the whole time in his hand, and the claw gashes were closed and he had pulled the black curse out of him, as though the Inferi wounds were no more dangerous than a papercut. 
"Feeling weak," Draco reported quietly. "Not like blood loss, just…physically."
"The healing magic is taking a lot out of you."
"That's not normal…"
"It's all right." He rubbed his arm. "I'm done. You don't have to worry about this anymore." He Vanished all of the blood with barely a thought and cleaned Draco up. "Now it's almost impossible to tell there were ever Inferi here. Any pain, stiffness?"
Draco shook his head and looked outside. "My cloak should be in that bag. The extra pocket."
He had to dig around a bit, because it turned out what Draco meant by 'extra pocket' was a seam on the inside lining that opened into an expanded space he could shove his whole arm into. "I'm surprised you can shrink this without all the enchantments exploding," he commented as he fished the cloak out, and helped Draco lean forward so he could fasten it around him. "Better?"
He nodded, pulling the cloak around him and hiding his arms. "I just need a minute."
"Take your time. You'll be okay." He adjusted his position to lean on his crossed legs, looking out the mouth of the tunnel. The brisk, cold breeze felt good to him, and smelled fresh and clean. It was a nice change after all day inside a musty tomb full of alchemy fumes. He fancied he could just make out the towers of Hogwarts in the distance under the moonlight, but he might be fooling himself. 
He moved his hand to Draco's leg, rubbing it absently. "You did really well."
"Yes, I'm very good at bleeding."
The sharpness in Draco's voice made him look over. "Everything okay?" Draco just stared at him, and he frowned. "Are you still cross? We just did something incredible. You should enjoy it." 
"'We' didn't do anything. I was an unwilling bystander while you performed some of the Darkest magic I have seen." 
"Firstly, that's absurdly overdramatic. And second, this thing just saved your life." He held up the Heart. "You owe it a lot better than your scorn."
"I'm not going to be grateful that it saved me from danger it put me in."
He narrowed his eyes. "Are you talking about the Heart, or me?"
"Now he gets it," Draco snarked. Then he sighed. "I didn't want to talk about this right away, but you're acting like there's nothing wrong. It's almost like you think this is a good thing."
"Isn't it?"
Draco gave him a hard look. "Are you actively trying to scare me?"
"With this, I can cast healing magic that makes Inferi wounds completely trivial. Think about what it can do!" 
"Yes, Nott, think about what it can do. It's amplifying your magic's power, or acting like another focus like a wand or something, right?" 
"In the most layman of terms. I need to do a lot more experimentation to determine its actual capabilities." 
"And you made that out of Wizard blood. Do you not grasp how Dark that is?"
"No one was meant to die from that blood sacrifice. It's not Aethelmaer's fault you have a bleeding disorder; blame Voldemort for your state, not the alchemy." 
"You're still missing the fucking point! Are you doing this intentionally?" He clutched the cloak around him, because he was restless and wanted to move around in his agitation but couldn't, really. "Do you think more of those things means more power? Or what about one made from not just a lot of blood, but a whole body's worth? What other blood do you think you could use — house elves? Centaurs? Unicorns?"
Admittedly, that idea had immense promise. If the magical properties of unicorn blood could be combined with the effect of the Heart, the result could be something spectacular… 
"I can see you wanting to try it." Draco's expression was disgusted. "Now imagine that Voldemort knew about this. Muggleborns disappeared into the Ministry to be harvested for their blood. House elves slaughtered for it like livestock. Every Death Eater with one of those damned rocks." 
"Obviously that would be horrible, but people like that don't need this kind of magic to be horrible, as he already proved. You can't stop progress just because evil people exist." He pushed himself up to his feet and dusted off his robe. "You should calm down, this isn't good for you."
"Don't tell me to calm down."
"Well, I put a lot of effort into healing you, and you're going to waste it if you have a heart attack. You're not in good shape for hysterics right now." 
"'Hysterics'," Draco said coldly.
"Catastrophising. You're working yourself up over nothing." He took Draco's hand to get him to his feet. Draco did it, but ungraciously, and then he swayed and needed Theo's support to keep him up. "We need to get you to the hospital, and then you'll be in a better place once you're healed. If you're still eager to argue about the ethics of a magic that just saved your life when you're medically cleared, fine, yell at me again then." 
He could actually see Draco biting his tongue to keep from dragging on the conversation. He doubted he had heard the last of it, but maybe he would surprise him and realise how he was overreacting when he was in a better physical condition. 
Draco was still having trouble standing; Theo had thought he might be all right after he gathered himself, but it was enduring. Clearly Draco noticed it, too. "Am I this weak because that stone is still getting its power from me?" he asked quietly, leaning heavily on his shoulder.
"No," he assured him, and helped him to the edge of the cave mouth, looking down at the Heart in the palm of his hand. The Scottish highlands stretched out below them in picturesque roughness just visible in the moonlight. "It was alchemically transmuted; it is something completely new now, with no connection to you. But the nature of healing magic is that it calls on a body's own life force to heal it; the less vitality you have, the more difficult it is for magic to heal you, and thus healing resistance. Overcoming healing resistance with spells this powerful is forcing your body to heal in ways it frankly can't support. You'll need some time to recover just from the strain of the healing magic." He rubbed his side, avoiding his unusable arm. "It seemed like a better idea than leaving Inferi wounds to fester, though. At least now you just need rest."
"Following that logic, it sounds like you could kill me with healing magic." 
"Normally, no, the healing would just stop working if you were too weak to do it. With this, though… That's an interesting question." He closed his hand around the Heart. "Right, I'm going to Apparate you."
"Go on then." Draco leaned close against him and buried his face in his shoulder; that was more necessary for flooing than Apparating, but it didn't hurt. Theo held him tightly and turned them on the spot to Apparate to the hospital. 
Saint Mungo's was a little busy, with the waiting room half full of prospective patients, but Theo had privileges as a healer there and bypassed the welcome witch to admit Draco himself with just a note to send Healer Pye to him when he was in. 
He got Draco settled in the nonmagical injuries ward without really exchanging another word, and then got an assistant started with the dittany to minimise the scarring. Then he sat beside him to take a look at his arm. 
It was bad. The skin was cold and it was completely limp, and Draco couldn't feel it at all past the ache in his upper arm. He tried healing the original cuts, silently so as to not bring attention to what he was doing, but there was no response from his body, and that was not a good sign. He looked at Draco's face while Draco watched the dittany application. 
He felt uncomfortably responsible for this. It was a fact that Draco would have bled to death without the tourniquet, even from such minor wounds, and so it had been necessary, but if he had been faster… 
"I'll send someone in to look at this," he said finally. "It's beyond my area of expertise; I'm not even confident saying it's safe to remove the tourniquet myself."
Draco nodded absently. "I need you to bring me new clothes, arrange for an Auror to come see me tomorrow, and tell Mother what happened." 
He didn't mean to make a face, but the judgmental way Draco looked at him with his eyebrows raised told him that he had. "Is making me tell her a punishment for putting you in this situation? Because that's pretty petty, if so." 
"No." Draco looked back at his other arm. The assistant healer applying dittany was making a show of minding her own business. "It's because the thought of writing is frankly exhausting right now, and you are my assistant."
"All right. Sorry." He stood. "I'll be back shortly. Try to get some sleep if you can; you need all the rest you can get." 
Draco nodded without a word, and he left in preoccupied silence.
---
Theo made a detour, between picking up Draco's clothes and finding his mother, to Lucius' office. It was empty, as he preferred; he left the books from the tomb on his desk with a note that they were for the library if he wanted them. 
Then the hard part. The house elf met him on his way out of Lucius' office, and squeaked as he almost tripped on her. "Begging Master Theo's pardon. Mistress will see you now." 
"All right. Her room?"
"No sir, in the drawing room, sir." 
"Got it." He put his hands in his pockets as he walked, turning the Heart over in his fingers. 
Narcissa had come out to meet him and was standing by the mantel; despite the late hour she was still fully presentable and ready to be seen, and he wondered, not for the first time, if she always stayed that way or if she ever relaxed. Her look for him as he came in was mild and tolerant and he knew that was about to change. 
He straightened up his shoulders a bit as he faced her, because she seemed to judge his posture just by existing. "I'm to inform you that Draco is in hospital. It's not his heart, and mostly he just needs rest. He'll be okay shortly." There, that couldn't make her angry.
"If it isn't his heart, what is it?" 
Of course she couldn't leave it alone. "He suffered some wounds from Inferi in a tomb we were exploring." 
Now the look she gave him was much less tolerant. She looked him over in clear and uncomfortable inspection. "I notice that you aren't injured," she pointed out coolly. 
"No, I guess not," he admitted. He hadn't really thought about that. "He defended me so I could get us out." 
"You are meant to be protecting him." And there it was — her expression had hardened and showed him disdain that he knew was actually anger. And probably worry. Draco insisted she was fearful, and he couldn't see it, but sure, maybe that was in there too. Whatever the exact details, she wasn't going to forgive him for a while. 
"I know. I'm sorry it turned out this way. He's safe now, though."
She didn't answer him, but took up the floo powder. "It's not visiting hours," he interrupted. She looked at him for a very long second without blinking, and he eventually got the message. "I'll let you in."
She said, "Quite so," tossed the floo powder into the fire, and directed it to the hospital. He followed right behind her. 
The welcome witch stood up behind her desk and tried to stall them, but Narcissa utterly ignored her and Theo assured her it was fine, which distracted her long enough for them to get by. One icy lift ride later and he brought her to Draco's ward. 
The ward was empty, because nonmagical injuries tended to be pretty simple to treat with basic healing magic. There were a couple healers clustered around Draco's bed at the far end with the curtains half drawn, and as they approached they could hear Draco firmly saying "—not be cutting off my arm. Think of a better solution."
Narcissa looked at Theo with utter disgust and swept past him, even the clipped clicking of her steps telling him off. 
Draco obviously recognised her by her step. "Hello, Mother," he said before she was even quite there. "I'm afraid you've nothing very interesting to see here. You'll only be watching me sleep." 
"Mrs. Malfoy." One of the healers came from the side of the bed to intercept her. "You really can't be here—"
Theo would really like to see them stop her. He shook his head to try to tell them to leave it alone, and got to Draco's bedside. "What's the situation?" He had bandages plastered over his neck and shoulder where that wound had been, indicating that that hadn't responded immediately to the dittany treatment and had needed more help for the scarring, but it was being dealt with.
His arm, though… They'd gotten the tourniquet off and controlled the immediate effects, but his normally near-skeletal arm was swollen outrageously and lying limp half-curled in his lap. He touched his hand to check and found it still cool and unresponsive. He could barely find the pulse in his wrist. The cuts had been bandaged but not healed, and the Dark Mark peeked out of the top of the bandages. Draco would never tolerate that being visible, normally. 
"Severe muscle breakdown from impaired blood flow," healer Dommet reported, her tone clipped and businesslike. "Nerve damage — it remains to be seen how it recovers after the swelling goes down. No response to healing." 
"No," he agreed. "Healing the Inferi wounds was taxing enough on his vitality, I don't think he'll respond to healing magic at all for a little while. I'll keep trying." 
"How did you do that, by the way?" Dommet asked him critically. "His healing resistance should have made Inferi wounds much more serious than merely some potential scarring." 
"Vulnera Sanentur and a fair amount of desperation?" he suggested. It didn't seem necessary or wise to share the Heart just yet, until he knew what it could do. "But it did push him too far."
"You were able to heal those, but not these relatively minor lacerations?"
He shook his head. "We were in a position where treatment simply wasn't possible for nearly six hours. By the time magic was possible, his arm was already beyond me. Were there complications in restoring blood flow?" 
"Yes," she said bluntly. "The dying muscles are poison to the blood, and Pye insists that will be damaging his kidneys and heart. Normally, I would heal his arm and a day of antitoxins would be sufficient. Instead, he'll be on fluids hourly and blood purifiers every four hours until the swelling relieves. And observation, of course, but you're here now."
"I recommend making a small incision to relieve the pressure and reduce the swelling," Pye commented. "My esteemed colleague here disagrees."
"You always want to cut into people, it's obscene." She seemed disgruntled. 
"My clothes, Theo," Draco interrupted. 
"Right, of course." He handed Draco his clean clothes and turned back to the healers. "You mentioned amputation?" 
"If the muscles can't be repaired…" she said. "If he doesn't regain sensation or function, it's just a poisonous liability. A bleeding disorder and a limb without feeling are a disastrous combination." 
"We won't let it come to that," Theo said confidently, and reached back to pat Draco's leg, but didn't find him. Looking back, he realised Draco had sat up on the other edge of the bed, and his mother was helping him into his new robe. Both the shirt and robe had had their sleeve split along the bottom to make space for his swollen arm, and she was helping guide his useless arm through. He frowned; she was trying to displace him because she was offended he allowed Draco to be injured. As though she could have done better; Draco would be dead several times over now if it weren't for him, and that wouldn't be any different if she'd been there with him instead. What right did she have to judge? 
And this was Draco's health they were talking about — Draco wasn't even paying attention.
"The swelling is so severe it's cutting off the blood supply itself," Pye was saying. "Probably putting pressure on the nerves. It needs to be addressed." 
"Leave it, for a day or two," he said without looking away from Draco. "Maybe it won't be necessary to interfere. The less we have to make him bleed, the better."
"I don't think that's the right decision. 'Wait and see' is just encouraging more damage."
"The decision is made, though. The complications for another bleeding wound are too serious. That's how he got into this mess in the first place." 
"I hope you're right…" 
Theo moved around to the other side of the bed and took Draco's good arm while he was straightening his sleeve fastidiously. Narcissa looked at him coolly, but wasn't going to countermand a healer's orders about his health. "Draco, you need to take your fluids and rest. You have another potion in…" He looked over for a sign, and Dommet pointed out the hourglass sitting beside the bed, dribbling pink sand through ornate golden filigree. "Looks about three hours. You need as much rest as you can get." 
"I know." Draco didn't resist and allowed himself to be guided into lying back against the head of the bed, but he took his arm back and used it to move his left hand into his lap. "Though listening to the lot of you discuss cutting me up is hardly restful." 
"We're leaving," Theo assured him. Well, the others were; he was here to watch over him. 
"I'll consult with my doctor friend," Pye said, coming around the bed, and behind him Dommet made a face that made her look like Narcissa. "But I think a week of observation is a starting point. You're taking over?" Theo nodded. "You're watching for nausea, trouble breathing, arrhythmia…"
"Sounds like a normal Tuesday," Draco said with exaggerated casualness, closing his eyes like he was ready to sleep.
"You see why we have to watch so closely to make sure your blood isn't poisoning your kidneys." 
"I've got it," Theo assured him. "Thanks for your help. both of you." He watched the other healers leave and looked at Narcissa. "Are you satisfied he's all right?"
"He is not," she said coolly. 
"But he will be, with a little bit of rest and observation. There's no reason for you to be concerned." She didn't seem in the least willing to agree, and he struggled not to show his annoyance. "If you want to watch over him tomorrow while I'm working, that would be welcomed," he managed to put together, very civilly, he thought. "But right now it is after visiting hours, and I've got this. I'll stay up with him until morning." 
She pressed her lips together, then turned and pulled the sheet up to Draco's chest, lifting his injured arm over the top. "I will be back in the morning." 
"Thank you, mother." He squeezed her hand before she pulled away. 
She didn't say a word to Theo before she left, and he took that as fully intentional rudeness. He didn't much mind. He sat on Draco's bed as they were finally left alone.
"Need anything?" he asked gently, taking his hand. 
"Have a spare arm?" Draco spoke without opening his eyes.
"I'd give you one of mine, but I don't think it would match."
"Can't have that. No, I just need to sleep, please."
"All right." He kissed his forehead and then stood and drew the curtains around his bed. He left him there for a little while to start his inventory of the potions Draco would need.
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project-omori2 · 1 year
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Reading your recent asks has given me some ideas to send.
1: Because headspace is maintained by the crystals of the elements, maybe instead of typing keys helping Hail into blackspace, it’s dark crystals like in FFIII, or maybe blackspace is slightly more expansive and they have their own sets of dark elemental crystals, a entire segment of Hail/Omori maybe even fighting some bosses alone because they have their own guardians that are horrific looking.
2: s0ckh3adstudios’ idea about Hail maybe lashing out, if you want a reason of maybe why their friends ended up started to break apart maybe why Cris is nervous around them could be Hail lashed out and said some really hurtful things (maybe something physical), their friends feel bad but decide to give Hail space after a recent bad event made them easy to get angry, unfortunately they end up lashing at regular bully, who ends fighting them, but that goes really bad when the bully accidentally caused their eye being injured. Their friends are unaware of what happened at first since they haven’t seen Hail in like a month (Hail probably actively avoided their friends at this point, even when they began trying to reach again but they were angry they left them alone) and don’t find out until Hail doesn’t come to graduation. They go to their house and find out they moved out somewhere after apparently a trip to the hospital. So the forgiveness part is more generalized about forgiving in general, a bully who is scared by what happened that wants redemption, their friends for pulling away, parents who never noticed their problems and may have contributed to them, school mates who saw them get picked on but did nothing, and themself for chasing away their loved ones away.
3: I was thinking if you need a NPC that is brand new, maybe in Headspace there is this NPC who is helpful and nice despite keeping conversations really light, but it’s clear the NPC cares for Omori even if Omori never shows much interest back. Turns out the NPC is based off a coworker that Hail knows, they aren’t really friends since Hail avoids people when they can, but it’s just a concerned stranger who sees Hail is struggling and has been trying to see if there is anything they can do to help them.
4: Maybe instead of phobias like Sunny, it’s triggers that make them want to lash out? There would be more of them, and all of them are revolved around the long list of bad events, like maybe alcohol is a trigger because one of their parents were an alcoholic and would ignore them or yell mean things when they were drunk, stuff like that.
5: If Hail ever breaks free of Omori in a good ending, instead of Sunny’s Omori trying to guilt Sunny into withdrawing maybe Hail’s Omori instead tells them things about the people in their life not being worth their time, after all they all slowly either hurt them or left them.
1: Maintained by the crystals of the seasons, actually (spring, summer, autumn, winter). I'm kinda digging the idea of using dark crystals to access Black Space.
2: You kinda lost me a bit when you brought up the bully thing, but other than that, this is kinda interesting.
3: I actually really like this idea! I like to think that they act as a heal/save point similar to Mari, but more like the Adventurer from Bravely Default: helpful to the party, but very mysterious. 👇
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(maybe Hail has a bit of a crush on their real-world counterpart, or vice versa??? :3)
4 / 5: I've actually thought of those ideas myself!
Thanks for the ask! I think I'm starting to see the full picture.
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burnt-pencil · 1 year
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I am not a good person, and I say that as a perfectly correct thing to say.
I have been repeating this to myself for half an hour now. I am not a good person, I am not a good daughter, I am not a good sister, I am not a good student, I am not a good friend.
I am not a good daughter — I resent my parents despite their best efforts to give me a good life. I focus on those times they didn't hug me, they didn't reach out. The last resentment I added to the list was when they told me next time I came home they would buy me some stuff from a bakery that recently opened in our town. I've come home five times since then and they have completely forgotten. They simply got too much on their minds, and I cannot blame them, but it still itches for some reason.
I am not a good sister — Yes I love my little brother very much. Yes I would do anything in the world for him! And yet, and yet, I recognize I cannot look at him without being envious. He has our parents' complete support. They have always been by his side when he needed it, and he needed it a lot. He's got a disability so of course he is going to need more support than me!
And yet, and yet... It kinda sucks. Actually, it fucking sucks a lot. I have always dealt with my problems alone, because I didn't want to burden my parents. I always take my emotions and put them in a box where they won't be in the way. Everybody around me told me and my parents I was a gifted child. So I continued being a gifted child while my brother was a disabled kid. One of us needed support, and the other one could do everything she put her heart into! She could absolutely achieve everything she wanted!
So where the fuck did that child go and why am I crying in her bed.
I am not a good student — I was a gifted kid yeah I get it. A pleasure to have in class. Always got good marks. Always writing the best essays, always making the best project, always giving it her all.
I did not fucking care about school one bit. I'm skipping class today, in fact, because I cannot keep it together anymore and if I gotta feel like shit, better feel like shit when I'm not surrounded by other people that could not care less about me.
All I did in school was so I could feel recognized. Teachers liked me and I was taught that was the greatest achievement a student could strive for. My parents were happy when I got good grades! Wasn't that great? Wasn't that all I needed?
Seems like it fucking wasn't because two days ago my mother told me to go congratule my brother for writing a two paragraph text. Of course I was happy for him! That's a big achievement for him! I just kinda wish my mother would have put the same energy into rasing *me* up! I am selfish and Im coming to terms with it. I remember once, in highschool, I got an 8 instead of a 9 or a 10. It was still a good mark, I tell myself years down the line. But at that moment my mother seemed disappointed, so I practiced and studied more and more everyday, til I finally got a 10 in that subject.
She was happy, because it was a good mark, but that was all. It was not bad, but. I wish she could have recornized how much effort I put into it, at least.
I am not a good friend — I am writing this in my room while my roommate and one of my greatest friends since six years ago is in the living room with her boyfriend-not-boyfriend. I am getting annoyed by her laugh. I used to like it, but these past months it sounds too high pitched, too irritating. I may just be in the wrong headspace, but she just feels different. I may still just be resentful after yesterday, when she insisted I go with her and her classroom friends to have lunch, and she did not even talk to me a single time. A completely unkown to me friend of hers talked more to me than she did. And I am not particularly outgoing and comfortable with strangers, and she has known this for a long time, so idk. Maybe I'm just trying to find reasons to get angry at her. At my friend. At one of my best friends who each day I feel more separated from.
If I told any of those people now that I am not a good person they would inmediately refute me. I have always been a good person, good daughter, good sister, good student, good friend. How date I suggest otherwise.
And yet I'm kind of curious about how they would react if I told them I want to ruin my life. I want to throw out the window everything good I have ever been and I want to burn everything good I have ever done. I want to ruin my life and spit on the dust and rubble and become a messy ugly crying and sobbing and screaming thing. I want to see if they would confort me then. Would they still say that they love me?
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the-furies · 1 year
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i'm fine i've just been going insane /lh
had to take more hours at our second job for financial reasons + been doing almost nightly tutoring with my kid brother (the semester just ended for him). very busy but no like emotional turmoil or anything.
today's music rec theme is showtunes! i'm recommending totally fucked from spring awakening for billy, hard to be the bard from something rotten for eddie, never ever getting rid of me from waitress for steve, take it like a man from legally blonde for your jonathan, and all that's known from spring awakening for will+the party. honorary mention to tatoue-moi from mozart l'opera rock, considered recommending it to steve but idk if any of y'all're partial to french music/foreign languages.
also, dr. crane wants poe to listen to the fear song by amanda palmer
VIRTUALLY HUGS YOU !! (IF!! YOU'RE FINE WITH THAT OFC IF NOT THEN. VIRTUALLY SENDS U A HIGH-FIVE /LIGHTHEARTED)
We're!!! So glad y'all are okay jesus we were worried HFJSKDKF but we.,, worry easily. Hashtag Paranoia Things BCJDJD but anyway!! Jesus that sounds like a lot, we hope shit calms down soon!!
Great songs as usual tbh!! We aren't a Musical Fan™ but all of those songs are hella catchy I'll be damned /lighthearted -Billy
our recs:
Every Day is Exactly The Same - Nine Inch Nails (Steve's rec)
ooookay so We May Have Had Another Steve Form. Newer Steve is s1-2 era so we refer to him as Asshole Era Steve (/lighthearted) but ANYWAYS this is moreso his rec than OG!Steve's rec but they both agree that it is A Good Song and also A Relatable One as of late. Everything Always Feels The Goddamn Same All The Fuckening Time Forever! Hell On Earth!! /lh -Billy (neither of em are up front atm so I'm relaying for em)
Thermodynamic Lawyer Esq, G.F.D - Will Wood and the Tapeworms (my rec!)
ok so first off, suicide bait tw riiight at the end of the song, it's like the second to last verse gjsjdjf
Sooooo we love will wood's music but we Especially love the it when his songs are,,, Angry™ HFHSJDJFJ. WE JUST,, LIKE ANGRY MUSIC IDK WHY. Anyways top ten songs that are Full Of Emotion That We Enjoy!! NCNDJ -Billy
Acid King - Malibu Ken (Eddie's rec)
a couple tws for this one too: Major drugs tw and, if you watch the music video, uhh... emeto and body horror/General Gross Shit tws too djiakdjf. Very cool music video, it's all animated, but it's also a bit Detailed™ HFNSJDJ
The song basically goes into the story of the Acid King/"Say You Love Satan" killer, Kasso, so,,, If you already know about that then you already know what's up with the song BFNSKDKD but it is. CATCHY. We love it. Especially the outro!! Like,,, can't explain it but the outro lyrics are Important to me for some reason. -Eddie
Sweet Sweet - The Smashing Pumpkins (Jonathan's rec)
We recently sat down and did our like, Monthly Listen Of Siamese Dream™ so a lotta the album is still stuck in our head,, This song's very short and not a Favourite of ours but something about it struck a chord with me!
Honestly, we'd rec the whole album to y'all (and anyone. and Everyone tbh. it's one of our collective all time favourite albums ever) but we'll just,, do so in bits n pieces for now lmao. But if you do happen to decide to listen to it in full, please tell us what you think!! :D -Jonathan
Get The Lead Out - A Perfect Circle (Will's rec)
Now Will hasn't been fronting much recently (no particular reason, he's doing fine dw) so I'm also relaying for him rn.
I actually… Straight up lost track of where he is the past few days? The headspace is huge as hell though but we can keep in contact easily so I'm not, like. Worried, y'know. But I like mentally asked where he was and he replied with bits of this song (because communicating via music is his thing now it seems /lighthearted) -Jonathan
The Raven - Nevermore Musical (Poe's rec)
The perfect time to recommend a song from a musical it seems!! This song, or poem really, is where I got my name… And form. Well, one of them!
We had a huge Hyperfixation Moment on The Raven innnn uhhhhhh late 2019-early 2020? Twas when I was created and such! This rendition of it though is indeed a favourite of ours! Very emotional and fun to sing along to!! :} -Poe
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alifelearned · 4 days
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I've recently found myself in the headspace to finally begin some very essential therapeutic work that I've found myself resisting for many years: Reparenting. You dont necessarily need to be doing parts work therapy in order to be successful with reparenting yourself but I've found that my recent work has been the key to this concept for me. For so long I've felt angry, frustrated and straight up resistant to any idea of having to do reparenting work because I was mad that my parents didnt have to do it themselves. It felt like giving them a 'get out of jail' free card, and I thus struggled to process the sense of injustice that came along with those ideas. Thankfully through the work I've been doing in parts work therapy I've finally found my way to feeling ready to start this very important process of reparenting and Im looking forward to see where it takes me. Check out my video to learn more.
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I’m kina bored right now but its too noisy to concentrate on advancing my wips and my headphones dont work anymore :( so that’s why I thought why not write about another shelved fic?
This one didn’t get too far in planning, so it never got a title or summary. It would have been an angsty fic and basically it was about the backstory of the friends from the neighbour area. And it would have followed Hero’s pov, mostly because at the time I took a liking for writing Hero. This story gets kinda dark-ish later on (as you might guess given the subject matter), but everything is so vaguely described that Im not sure it warrants a warning, but just as a heads-up I mention it.
I didn’t get to decide exactly how the scenery would have looked like, but the story would have started with Hero already in a room of blackspace. As like, a vague idea, this room looked like a barren landscape, gray-scale with a dark sky, there’s barely any grass but there are many rocks of various sizes but overall huge. There may or may not be the remains of a cabin. It is standing but like two of it’s walls are missing. Its serviceable as a shelter in case of an emergency, but isn’t really a place for living. Yeah you know what? This setting is good enough.
So Hero was in the remains of this cabin, sitting while hugging his knees, scared and confused. He has recently fallen into blackspace by accident, and he has no idea of anything thats going on. He looks around, here describing the scenery, but more than the scenery, he’s looking at the other two who are there with him.
There are an Aubrey and a Kel there as well, but Hero is able to tell those aren’t the Aubrey and Kel he knows. For now, the only explanation he has is that they just happen to be unnervingly similar to his friend and brother. He still hasn’t tried to talk to them.
Aubrey is at the other side of the cabin, far from the other two. She looks as them with distrust and wariness. Hero doesn’t know this, but like him she’s able to know they aren’t the friends she knows. She’s also new in blackspace.
On the other hand, Kel doesn’t pay attention to either of them. He looks unresponsive. While the other two are mostly unaware that they’ll likely never see again their respective friends and brother, Kel here has witnessed the death of his own. For this, for a good chunk of the story he’s rather gloomy
Soon someone else enters the scene. This is a Hellmari, however in this fic they only have their most creepy appearance when they’re pissed-off. So right now this Hellmari looks very similar to spirit Mari, with a white dress and dark hair. However, more than a ghost she’s a walking corpse, so she still makes Hero and Aubrey feel unnerved at seeing her, despite her cheeriness, or maybe moreso because of it. Her movements are stiff, her neck is longer than it should be (but no to the degree of her other form) and her jaw seems too loose when it moves. Hero notices details like this in his narration.
Hellmaris have a very short temper and they get angry and agressive very easily, so this one is trying her hardest in remaining calm since she doesn’t want to scare them… anymore, maybe. She’s the one who brought them to this cabin and may or may not have lost her temper a bit while trying to bring them there and basically scaring them into following her. I didn’t decide. She doesn’t mean any harm though, so she bring a tray with freshly-baked cookies for them to make them feel at home, and apologize if she did scare them before. In either case, none of them eat, and when she tries to ask them simple and casual question they all remain silent.
At this, she sighs and decides to cut the chase and get to the point. She here explains to them their situation and what it entails for them to be in blackspace. Things work very differently there compared to headspace, and if they don’t come to terms with their new life and adapt, they will die. However, she wanted to help them and teach them how to get around blackspace, and for their sake they had to stay in that cabin.
Like I said, this didn’t get too far in the plotting process, so this part is kinda fuzzy. Hero and the others would want to escape and they would do so later on, but I didn’t get to write exactly their reason for that. Like, maybe they didn’t believe Hellmari and they thought she wanted to keep them trapped, or maybe they felt a natural rejection towards her for being related to the truth or idk. I guess they talk behind her back about a plan to escape or something like that. The point is that they run away when she’s distracted and although she soon notices, she doesn’t make any attempt in chasing them.
I wasn’t really sure where to explain Hellmari’s motivation, so I’ll just mention it here: she basically felt very lonely and she wanted to have her friendgroup again. She had never had one, but being a Mari, she still longed for it. Hellmaris hate anything related to Sunny and Basil, so for her the group was complete with just Hero, Aubrey and Kel. She had rescued them and brought them to that cabin, since that was the closest thing to a home she had ever seen. Blackspace wasn’t the most cozy of places, but she had hoped that, even if none of them had asked to be part of blackspace, together they could form a place to call home and be happy despite the hardship. Though, all those aspirations fell apart when she noticed they had escaped.
Going back to the others, they had escaped together but they hadn’t planned(? much beyond that. For Hero, his priority right then was finding his brother and friend… however, due to his caring nature, even if he felt unnerved by those kids that looked exactly like his own (and were called the same, as he had learned), he didn’t want to abandon them to their luck, and them feeling lost and scared, wanted someone to feel protected, so the three of them agreed to remain together while their searched for their respective loved-ones and a way to go back home.
What would follow would have been them traveling through blackspace and seeing a lot of scary things, so they always feel really scared and walk practically glued to each other. Maybe or maybe not this part would have focused on their survival, I didn’t decide, but in either way they have a tough time and at the same time they grow closer to each other, now not feeling unnerved. Also, here they realize that the Hellmari was saying the truth and that she wasn’t that bad after all.
Eventually though, they stumble upon a semi-familiar face… almost. This is the big yellow cat, the one of the neighbours area, so you know it doesn’t really look very friendly, but after their experience with the Hellmari, the group decided it was better to not judge by appearances. Also, maybe they feel more comfortable with it because it isn’t related to the truth.
Since the friends are like programed to trust the big yellow cat and look for its protection, they ask it for help. Seeing them so bruised up and scared, it agrees to help them, telling them that all they have to do is listen to its teachings and then they will never feel afraid and in danger again.
Or the conversation went somewhat along those lines.
So, in blackspace there were sort of “parodies” of the three great creatures. Since they weren’t important for the plot, I didn’t describe Humphrey’s equivalent nor Abbi’s, so I’ll only mention the big yellow cat.
So, first of all, blackspace inhabitants could be divided in three categories: those that agreed with Omori’s ideals and actively worked on his favor, those that opposed these ideals and actively worked against them, and those who were neutral either by being unaware or because they didn’t feel strongly one way or another. A huge majority fall in this last group, like 96% of the population, while those who agree are like 3% , or something like that. Just so you have the gist.
In any case, the big yellow cat is one that agrees with Omori’s ideals of repressing the truth, so while it teaches the friends about the nature of blackspace and all of that, it would also speak positively of Omori, saying stuff like he has a very important mission and those who went against it were evil and wanted to end the world as they knew it, destroy their home, the paradise above.
Ah, well, I didn’t get to the specifics of what the big yellow cat would teach them, so I’ll just go to the general.
The thing is that the cat is someone with a very twisted mind and has its own ideas of how things should be done, so it would be the main reason the friends from the neighbour’s area turned out to be so violent. The cat taught them that if they didn’t want to be afraid ever again and also wanted to help their friend Omori, they had to be the strongest out of everyone in blackspace and win themselves a reputation that would make everyone afraid of them. And that’s what they did. Under its guidance they pretty much became killing machines with little regard for anyone else outside their group. Except Hellmaris, because they remember the Hellmari that tried to help them, but since they can’t distinguish her from other Hellmaris, then they just spare all of them, much to the cat’s annoyance. In blackspace there isn’t the best communication and residents have to rely on word of mouth from travelers for news of other areas, but even with that, it becomes common knowledge how lethal an encounter with these three can be. Once they see you, is very hard to escape from them. So, it is advisable to avoid them at any cost.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention all of this took place during the early cycles, so these friends are some of the oldest in blackspace in the current date.
Anyways, for as cruel as these friends can be, their bonds are tight-knit. They pretty much adopted each-other and they see each other as siblings. Though they don’t use each-other to replace those who they have lost and they keep a memorial for them. They haven’t forgotten what they lost, so for that reason they’re much more set-on keeping what they have left.
That means that they also have no qualms in ‘eliminating the competition.’ That’s it, killing other friends. While the cat didn’t tell them everything, they know certain things of how their world works, such as that there are many copies of them and that only one group can be in headspace. So, they eliminate the competition at any given chance. Despite everything, they still have the same motivation as in the beginning: going back home. They believe that in this way, being the strongest, blindly obedient, ‘the best’, Omori will one day consider them worthy of bringing back to headspace, though I didn’t decide if the cat made them believe that (and if so, if it was tricking them or it genuinely believes that’s how Omori sees things) or if they reach this conclusion themselves. In either case, Omori knows how dangerous they are and would never bring them anywhere near headspace, so whenever he stumbles upon them, he just ignores them. The friends, while disappointed each time, don’t get deterred at this. They just conclude they aren’t good enough yet and all they have to do is putting more effort.
I wasn’t too sure about how many scenes there would have been nor about the way they would have been paced, but the last scene would have been of the friends resting on the belly of the big yellow cat. Here, Hero would look down fondly at the others as they sleep peacefully, this being a huge contrast to the previous scenes where they would have been ruthless.
Hero is happy that they’re able to sleep with no worry, maybe here would be a callback to an earlier scene near the beginning where they try to sleep but they’re too scared to do so. In any case, he believes it all has been worth it if he gets to see the kids as peaceful as that. At some point though, he thinks about his own brother and friend, and he can’t help but know they would be horrified, but as Omori demands it, he quickly decides is better to not think too much about it. Probably he decides to take a nap as well, knowing that no one would dare to hurt them.
So, as you see, I had a pretty good idea of the plot and it only needed some refining. Though, the reason I decided to shelve this idea is because Im already working on a fic with a similar premise, and while I considered this one could work as a spinoff, it’s not a good idea to think of spinoffs before the main thing is done, yknow? So, I’ll probably just keep these ideas as my headcanons for the backstory of these three.
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kitchimera · 1 year
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Been thinking about Louis Wain lately. That recent(?) biopic was so autistic coded that I got pretty emotional about some of it. His works (ones attributed to the later years of his life) have been used to illustrate "madness" for a century, but they might just be autistic stimming. An obituary article quoted his sister who claimed he'd changed as a person after a car accident/injury, [which is what my mother said of me when I began to establish boundaries with her]. There's so much we don't know about our mad elders because our own stories, even pictures of cats with lots of dazzling colors, can have their meanings skewed by ableism.
Watercolor pencil that I didn't feel like wetting. I intended to do more of the kaleidoscopic mandala-esque colored lines but my wrist was very angry and I don't want to dwell much longer in this fearful headspace.
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transhorrors · 2 years
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3 4 and 6 for the writing asks!!!
meta asks for writers!
adrian ur the loml thank you <33
3. what is one scene that you've always wanted to write but can't be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)
god, okay so i have this screenplay concept for a slasher that i can just. never get any traction going for. i got the idea from tales from the lodge, a very shitty anthology that almost has a good concept (trans murderess) but then fucks it up (she's trans only because she wanted to trick and fuck a straight guy). so i thought "ew, fuck that", and my spin on that concept is "trans murderess who's trans and also a murderer, not one because of the other". and the climax is just so fucking clear in my head, where she's finally revealing her years of planning revenge on the people who tormented her, and she's actually able to get that revenge. god if i could only be assed to write the actual rest of the movie.
4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you're really proud of (explain why, if you like)
alright.......... this is from old wounds, my current wip. don't know if its gonna "hit" the same way without [checks] the previous 216 pages of context, but :) i literally almost just copy+pasted the whole first half of this chapter
A photo does not exist where Max likes the way he looks. He doesn’t think he’ll be capable of liking his own face until he’s at least thirty, after years of hormones and surgeries and when he hasn’t been seen as a girl for a very long time. But there’s something about the fact that Erin had kept this. More proof to the fact that he was a miserable son of a bitch who had done nothing but push away and hurt the one person in his life who actually cared about him, yes. But also proof that his life was not always constant misery. He had the capacity to be happy. He did then, and he does now.
6. what character do you have the most fun writing?
AHHHHHHH okay. i've been writing a lot of fan fiction recently so part one of this answer is chris and adrian from peacemaker. gotta love them if i cranked out 5 works in less than 2 months!
but wrt: oc's? fuck that's a really hard choice. i'm gonna say max from old wounds right now, if for no other reason than he's just so... cathartic? he's angry and selfish and so fucking self deprecating i could just. [picks him up by the scruff of his neck]. only a very small chunk of the book is in his pov because he's a very intense headspace to be inside of, but i just adore everything i write through his eyes and i wish i could write more through him </3
edit: HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT MARCY. fucking marcy from my trans werewolf script, favorite character i’ve ever written fuck me
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