#I have absolutely no thoughts because idk what it fuckinf was

[inmaki]

so many new anons!! zuma u r under arrest. ur offenses include being friendly and having a magnetic personality. hands where i can see em 🔫 (just kidding, ily. pls don't forget about me when ur famous)

ALSO I have been plagued with cuddly thoughts lately. What's ur favorite type of hug?? i love all of them equally but the one that's been on the brain are back hugs…

like imagine ur jjk bf just snuggling up to you from behind while ur doing something. (i didn't include toji because i'm not used to writing about him and ngl i feel like, he'd just turn it into something sexual no matter how you see it, probably grinding against you or squeezing/slapping ur ass lmao.)

gojo, toge, n geto probs are lil shits and would find joy whenever you yelp in surprise cause they come outta nowhere... it's even worse if ur ticklish cause you bet ur ass they're gonna exploit that. probably blows raspberries just to annoy you.

nanamin, yuuta n megumi on the other hand, prefer doing it when they're tired or touch-starved. maybe a mix of both. they'll bury their faces in ur neck or hair and breathe in ur scent, letting out a contented sigh. might even leave a little kiss there.

yuji n choso likes giving you surprise hugs, but they actually mean well, unlike, ahem, some people. might pick you off of your feet or rock you side to side gently while they're at it. they'll apologize if they scare you: they do it more so to hear you laugh afterwards--it's their favorite sound.

sighs. where's a jjk bf when you need one, huh?

- 🍉

I KNOW RIGHTT so many i am drowning in asks and idk what to do about it BUT IM GLAD TO FINALLY REPLY TO THIS ONE HI MELON NONNIE <3 sorry for taking so long again ilyt :(((( I MISSED U AND UR LONG ASKS A LOT UGHHH HUGS HUGS

BACKHGS ARE SO NICE UR REAL FOR THAT hmmm i also love backhugs,, but any type of hug is nice nsjhnsjs my love language is physical touch so i never complain!!!!

ur absolutely right on toji turning it sexual if u wanna cuddle u need to ask this man or he will never get the fuckinf hint 😭 YUJI AND CHOSO SURPRISING U BY ACCIDENT AHAHAHSJ THATS SO trUe these are all super accurate omf as a very ticklish person especially on my waist i think satosugu/toge would actually KILL ME good god.. love them anyway 🫶 i also think yuji could fit into the first section when he feels like it,, hes a menace in disguise yk

ur so right. what i would do to get a backhug from nanami???? unspeakable things i want him so bad

#inmaki #zuma’s 🍉 anon #now u got me remembering that there are ppl that dont like nanami/find him attractive and that CONCERNS MW #he is THE husband of apl husbands

[sadstonershawty]

what the fuck

like what the actual fuck

i don’t even know what else to say lol just what the fuck

how am i even supposed to believe that shit? it’s the fact that you say your lie so confidently. and i know it’s a lie. i just want you to admit you fucked up really bad. you admitted you fucked up but. you’re telling a half truth. to spare my feelings ? no i think that’s what i’d like to think and what he’d like to think he’s doing. maybe he actually believed it wa as joke. that he was so drunk his sober self convinced himself that it was some sort of joke. but it’s not. and i can’t believe him. if he can’t admit that he just did it on his own accord we might just have to break up honestly. if that isn’t already a thing. like rent is due tmrrw absolutely and i don’t even know if i’m gonna have this apartment in a week lol. it just hurts. very bad. gut wrenching. like i wish he hadn’t done that shit. i just wish he fucking hadn’t. i can’t wish i didn’t see it even tho i do but i’m glad i did. although it does make me question how much this has been happening without me knowing. or if it’s genuinely the first time. i think it is because i would’ve seen SOMETHING indicating this shit. 

that’s why i think if he can actually fucking admit he did that himself and it wasn’t some sort of joke, then i think we could work past it. and i could eventually build my trust up again. it’d b hard but we could do it. that’s really only if he does that tho and even still shit was so fucked tonight idk if we can come back. like idk how i can just forget that shit he said to me. all the things he said to me.

what scares me is that maybe the person i thought kaleb’s “true self” is (even tho his bad parts are just as equally him), maybe doesn’t exist. like i’m realizing the possibility that wonderful kaleb is actually what the facade is. idk. not really my place to say anyways.

and the ducked up part is i think i realized even tho i be saying so offhandedly that he’s not gonna change that’s just his capacity blah blah blah , i think (1) based on this past like 2 weeks where kaleb has rlly acted diff in an amazing way and (2) just deep inside of me, i believed that he had changed ? idk maybe he has i don’t think people change overnight esp w ego responses, like i still catch myself engaging in stupid shit like that. but i think i’ve always deep down believed that he could change. maybe i tried to make myself think he wasn’t going to and said that shit so stoically bc i wanted to believe i thought that. when in reality i think i did believe that my love could change him or whatever. same shit, diff guy.

but that’s what hurts, is i don’t wanna let go. however i know that there’s a point where i absolutely cannot continue things bc it’ll lead to a potentially messier break up bc i’ll still feel a type of way. this is my fuckinf best friend dude. i lost my friends. even before when i had them it’s like THIS is my best friend. this is the person i love w everything in me. my heart overflows w love for him. i want him to change those things. i do. because i want to be w him. but it seems like this shit isn’t clicking sometimes when it rlly fucjing needs to be clicking lol. idk shit was p heated tonight tho so that’s why i’m gonna see how things pan out tmrrw bc i think he’s gotten a LOT better abt coming back to stuff and clarifying/apologizing for the bad parts ykno. i know i’m right to feel this way tho. that’s why i’m not wavering. my heart is on this path because i know it’s the right one. i know me staying true to myself and my feelings is the only way now. it’s too uncomfortable otherwise. i’m starting to lose it.

i just want things to be okay. i just want to feel his skin on mine and kiss his lips and hug him. and i want him to hug me back and tell me all those things again abt how proud he is of me and that i’m the best thing that ever happened to him. i’m scared it was all a lie. i love him so much. that’s all i can feel at this point. is how much i love him and how sad i am. i feel it running through my body and truth be told i hate it. i want to run away from it. i wanted to scream, cut my skin open, do anything to let the pain out so i wouldn’t have to feel it or hold onto it anymore. i think i rlly wanted to find something that he’s cheating and then i did find some fucked up shit and now i really wonder why i ever wanted that lol. i know WHY i did. but it’s like did i think it wouldn’t hurt? did i think i’d be able to just cast him out? no lol. absolutely not. this pain fucking sucks. pain like this has been diff for me. it just hurt my heart , i felt the pain in one precise location. this time it’s like the pain was just coursing through my body almost like real physical pain. it fucjing SUCKS . i want to sleep but i feel like i can’t. fuck my life. hard to not be down on urself when u lose 98% of ur friends, and u and ur bf are the closest to breaking up as ever (just when things were going good and actually looking up n i thought wow nice this is the one thing i can hold onto and know is real type shit) within the span of ....like 2 weeks? a week? super cool lol. the universe is really tearing my shit DOWN. i know and accept its all for a reason and purpose, but it’s hard to have faith when shit is so fucking awful lol. i don’t even have “bad days” fr anymore, i’ve gotten so good at making sure i know deep down that a bad or annoying thing does not equal the whole day being bad. rhat there is always room for better shit. but when it’s bad thing after bad incident after another bad thing it’s like GOD FUCKING DAMN CAN I HAVE FIVE MINUTES. FIVE MINUTES TO BREATHE AND CATCH UP W THE LAST DISASTER.

it will get better. i think. it will but. idk. it will i guess lmao.

[riskeith]

i couldn’t stop smiling reading your last message i’m literally so happy atm. you’re so cute and i’m SO happy. i reread it three times and giggled so loud my brother asked why i was laughing... 🥺 he’s in the next freaking room 🥺

sappiness aside: YES!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE? i wish i could give my luck to you as you deserve it much more ): it’s true but it’s still important if you wanna do well in combat sadly haha dhdydbjdnd like you said it’s very inconvenient to have a unbalanced team but i decided that i’m just gonna switch around with the characters i have when it’s needed yk? they’re all mostly around the same levels so it works fine rn.. or it will until i have to focus on who i want to focus on ascending when i get to higher levels bc payments and materials and all.. sigh there’s so much to think about with too many cute characters... anyway how many rolls have you done since you started playing? do you remember?

OH???? is it easier on pc? i’ve always enjoyed smaller consoles tbh (like switch or even phone) bc it’s easier to focus so it wasn’t that difficult for me. but like you said it might just be a ‘getting used to it’ thing. also now that you’ve seen both; which differences are there in the game? are you gonna have two different accs?

i did restart it from the first ep!!! i figured i might as well get the ~full~ experience. it’s been a while too so it’s like a new experience but not rly? it’s like traveling back to your home country and you’re like wow... i belong here even if i’m not here all the time dhsjsjdhfh bad example but you know what i mean?i’ll keep you updated! rn i’m at training camp part of s1 and it’s great!!! just having a blast tbh. needed this especially now that school is back... :(

i guess we are talking about voltron in 20fucking21. i don’t know if i love that for us or not.... (our honeymoon can be whenever you want babe pick a date and i’m There 😏)

pls unrequited love is soo good. it hurts but it’s good too? haha, maybe if one has experiences with it it just hits different yk? but i’m with you—watching voltron i always always had the headcanon that keith first started to feel smth for lance in the ‘we did it’ scene and actually thought ‘i’m in love’ during the black lion scene. like the proof is all there... s8 and the sunset scene just proves his longlasting feelings nobody can tell me otherwise. keith is the type to cherish the people he loves a lot because he barely has anyone and that means putting their happiness above anything else and lance’s happiness was allura for a while and he just... accepted that despite yearning . god . i always think about is bittersweet smile while having his speech. it’s like; i know that you’re great and you should know that you’re great too and if she can’t see it she doesn’t deserve you.

you freaking out over the leave the math to pidge scene... losing my fucking mind. girl they’re literally in love fuckinf crying 😭😭😭😭😭 they depend on each other SO much like the show runners always push the ‘hunk and lance bffs’ agenda ok sure but in the show hunk was never there for lance the same way keith was. they just eased each other’s anxieties without having any expectations on each other at all? yet they surpassed all of them. the other was just.. there. always. remember the ‘we all miss shiro’ scene too???? the entire team looked at lance and wanted him to step up!!!!!! like HELLO??????? and the second lance spoke keith just calmed down... kill me now. if that doesn’t show much trust and appriciation and respect there was between them idk what does. and the fact that the others know that despite their differences they still need each other just..... yeah. *cries*

YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD. i get you tho klance is just... comfort ship but the ship that leaves you depressed too. i’m sure you could still write them perfectly but i’m absolutely in no way pressuring you at all you truly don’t have to if you can’t. i know how hard it can be to write when the motivation is just not there... :/ anyway idk what i’d prompt i just love your fics babe hsjdhdjdjdk. that’s so boring of me to say help but everything you write i love so.. surprise me? i can’t believe you have a final klance fic tho that sounds so sad.... ): i’m curious what it’s about but maybe it’s better to keep it hush hush.. hm?

i hope you’ve slept well!! you make me so happy!! kisses! xxxxxx

FHSJFKDS that makes /me/ so happy to hear!!! i was sitting on my bed smiling like a FOOL reading this ahahahaha. and soz to your brother but what can i say 🤪🤪

nooooo im so glad you got a 5 star already pls it’s fine im just gonna use all my primogems on xiao banner and it’ll end up okay fhskjdfds. yeah just switching charas in when needed totally works too! it’s just annoying when you accidentally get caught up in combat and it’s just ‘oop im level 1 against level 50′ AHAH. (tho i guess you won’t run into that issue yet?) honestly yeah there’s so much to do with the characters like ascending, constellations, talents, weapons, it’s just like.. what do i do first.... and who..... afhdskjfhsjf sometimes i just want to use character bc pretty and that should be enough 😔

hmmmm for the character event banner I believe i’m at 60 or 70 rn? so i’m reaaaally close to pity which is why when xiao comes 🙏🙏🙏 and for the standard banner i have no idea, maybe 40? so yeahhhh LOL... i keep saying this (and i better not be jinxing it BUT) im hoping it’ll all pay off...... i hope it’s all been building up for xiao... c6 xiao.. come home FHDKSJHDS

i definitely prefer it on PC! controls aside i just like the bigger screen tbh (my laptop is 15″). mostly the differences are the controls/buttons! since you can’t hold down multiple buttons at once on mobile, they’ve got more to cover all the functions (pc doesn’t have an extra dash button, we just right click or press shift; if we’re in the air i think one of the buttons turns into the drop down/plunge, rather than showing like 3 on mobile? i can’t remember precisely but yeahhh; there’s also the joystick on the left side of the screen on mobile that obviously isn’t there on pc bc we have the keyboard. it’s also harder to move the camera around whilst doing things on mobile i feel?) 

and nah i don’t think i’ll make another acc, esp since i’ve gotten so far into game already but i did definitely think about it as a possibility ahahah (bc of my bad luck... i was wondering if i did a reroll (second) acc i might be able to get diluc FJKHSKDFS)

omg it feels like coming home what a good description 😩😩 haikyuu is just such a fun warm experience! legit so comforting and light-hearted but also get deep when it needs to be. oh yes training camp <33 gosh they were so young then :’) HAHAAH. and noooooo school has started up for you again? rip i wish you the best of luck 😔💪

maybe 2k21 is the year of revisiting old things...... god voltron ended in 2018 can you BELIEVE that (😏😏😏 i was gonna mention playing genshin co-op together (even back when you first started) HAAHAH but i assume you play in europe server? im asia rip 😥)

WE DID IT WE ARE A GOOD TEAM!! THE FUCKING PURPLE AROUND THEM!!!! THE SMILEEEE OH MY GOD THE BONDING MOMENT THE. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk every time you mentioned a single line or scene im just. all the memories come flooding back fhdsfkhsdjf. hang on a second.. they are red and blue.... the scene was purple... surely i knew this back then but im thinking about it now and?????/ oh my god

the sunset scene!!!!!!!!!! that is Peak pining keith unrequited love and pain scene... my goodness. “that means putting their happiness above anything else” NOOOOOOOOOOO you are so right tho 😭😭😭😭😭 please keith deserves the univerise <333 :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( the fact that lance seeked him out for that too.. just like old times.. “you can sure be a hard guy to find when you wanna be huh” the way i still remember that ugh they really were my everything 😔

YES!! like they pushed the whole lance+hunk+pidge thing but then in the actual show had hunk+pidge treat lance like shit and belittle him so often?? like ?????????? (once again where fanon saves us 😩) and oh my god yeah.. when everyone turned to him and lance like walked up to keith and then said all that.. we actually had so many moments?? god. *cries with you*

speaking of shiro.. s06e05 the black paladins!!! “shiro.. please.. you’re my brother.. i love you..” “just let go, keith” 😭😭 keith suffered so much AND FOR WHAT my god i miss him so much oh no

FSHFKJDS “surprise me” the only reason im asking is bc i have no ideas!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i shall think.. (and if you want to think and help me out too.. 👐) & i’ve actually posted about that final fic a lot! LMAO that’s how you know i know i’m never gonna finish fdskhfksjd but in case you do wanna see, here are some links: one, two, three

thank you!! i stayed up to 4am like an idiot LOL but i swear today.... and same 😭 im so so happy to have met you 🥰❣ muah! xoxoxox

#we're really taking a trip down memory lane damn #marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

[did-you-fall-or-did-you-let-blog]

Dear Evan Hansen: August 1st

The Theater: -My seats were amazing. Third row. I was about a yard away from the base of the stage it was amazing -the theater was so small and intimate. i thought it would be much bigger, but it really made it feel like a personal experience -the actors went all the way downstage a lot and i SWEAR ben could’ve spit on me thats how close he was -Being up close was so amazing because you could see every single detail. I saw his shoes, his pill box, i saw certain facial expressions that i feel like were subtle and you wouldn’t be able to see them from far back About the show: -evan playing with things- his tie, the bed, his shoe lace, pulling at his shirt -he. actually. fuckinf cries. like. you could see tears streaming down his face its not fake. -will is SO FUCKING GOOD -olivia is amazing. shes not as desperate as kristolyn, but she definitely shows more sadness and emotion -garret is WOW. she doesnt act quite as sad as jennifer, but her voice is amazing. she is incredibly talented and so sweet. -mlb is great. i love mike faist so im very biased, but i thought that michael was really good. he wasn’t as good at playing mean as mike is, though. he played more emo and sad as opposed to mike, who is aggressive and shows much more depth. but he is such an amazing singer im shook -laura is possibly the most beautiful person to ever exist. seeing her close-up was amazing and you could really see all the emotion she puts into that role. she was simply amazing. Her voice is incredibly and wOW HER BELTING WOWWOWOOWOW -she def cried during requiem -evan & zoes kiss after YWBF was so cute because they were all messy and eager bc neither of them knew what to do -jARED SAID KINKY -Will is so fucking handsome wow i love that man. his voice is so fucking amazing. he is a bit loud, i wish they turned his mic down a little during certain songs (disappear & sincerely me) so that you could hear the other parts more, but he is so incredibly talented wow -ok so we all know that larry cries during YWBF, but he legit had a full breakdown it was amazing to see first-hand -Ben. Shakes. like wow. i shake when im anxious (aka 24/7) and it was completely realistic and honestly the way he depicts mental illness is so accurate and truly art -larry is still an ass but when act two comes he is SUCH A LOVEABLE ASS. he is a much better character live because you see how much emotion he actually has -zoes hair during act one is so cute. it looks a bit like pig tails even tho it isnt, but its adorable -I. cannot. stress. this. enough. Ben Platt deserves everything. he has my ENTIRE heart. he is so talented in everything he does. He cries almost the whole show and i mean CRIES. real tears. real emotion. He is incredible. Like. i dont have words for how amazing he was. His voice was perfect throughout which IDK HOW IS POSSIBLE BC I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME SING WHILE CRYING SOOO. he is such a good actor and his fast talks were SO CUTE WOW -rachael was. fuck. wow. I’ve always had a bit of trouble understanding her acting choices during act one, but they worked well live. and once act two came around, she was outstanding. After So Big/ So Small, the entire audience. the. entire. audience. was crying. seriously there was not a dry eye in the house The Set/Choreography: -the forest set is so amazingly beautiful like. wow. -seeing the band up above is sO COOL WOW -Everything about it was absolutely beautiful. -i read something about this the other day and i couldnt stop thinking about it. During Waving Through A Window, everyone is turned away from Evan, they don’t see him. But during You Will Be Found, they are all with him. He is one with them. He is finally seen. It was so cool to see that contrast live. -the environment was so well done. you would think that since the background is either screens or just blackness, it would feel a bit empty and cold. but the set pieces (evans bed, connors bed, the couch, the dinner table, etc) were so well done and it really pulled things together. -Michaels knee movements aren’t as good as Mikes 🙊 Stagedoor: -People who came out: Michael (Park), Olivia, Garrett, Laura, Michael (lb) -Colton came out first but he left right away bc he wasn’t in the performance rip i lov him -first Michael Park came out and I told him I loved him and he was like “wow don’t you want to get to know me first?” and he signed my book and we joked a lil and he is such a nice guy -then Olivia came out and she signed and I told her how fucking amazing she was and she was so happy and blushy it was adorable. -Garrett came outside and she was so sweet. She looks so cute with her glasses and her hair up wow i love her. I told her that she is an amazing singer and she thanked me and wow what a gal -mlb came out and he was so sweet. I told him that he did so well and that i’m really happy for him for playing all the roles. I told him how great his singing is and he was so sweet to everyone we had a lil convo -last. but. DEFINITELY NOT FUCKING LEAST. Laura. Fucking. Dreyfuss. The living breathing human angel. She got over to me and I handed her the letters that I wanted to give to the cast (everyone was giving them to her bc she is a trustworthy gal). she got a lot of gifts (including more trix) bc she is so loved wow. OK OK BUT. I thanked her for speaking up for the trans community the other day and she was so happy and smiley and she rlly cared abt what i had to say AND SHE HUGGED ME. LIKE SHE WASNT HUGGING ANYONE ELSE. AND I DIDNT ASK HER TO HUG ME. SHE JUST DID AND WOW IT WAS. FUCK. WOW. All in all, that was definitely the best thing i have ever witnessed and i cried a fuck ton and it changed my life.

#dear evan hansen #deh #ben platt #evan hansen #colton ryan #connor murphy #michael lee brown #mike faist #will roland #jared kleinman #alanna beck #olivia puckett #kristolyn lloyd #laura dreyfuss #jennifer laura thompson #zoe murphy #cynthia murphy #larry murphy #michael park #heidi hansen #rachel bay jones #garret long #asa somers #dear evan hansen hc #mine #owner speaks

[bulimistxfreak]

super personal vent

ignore if you want

im so sad, i have no one to talk to so ima just vent here and pretend at least 1 person cares, but recently my parents started to make plans for their retirement and that they’re waiting for me and my sister to finish our education but i don’t even know when that will happen bc I’ve given up on that, and my parents being super strict about school don’t even care about me going to a 4yr anymore, like they literally think I’m a failure like I just know it. they tell me how I’m 19 and I’m a woman now and i need to be independent and grow up and do things on my own but it’s so fucking hard to do any of that when I’ve spent a greater part of my life with mental illness that I don’t know how to do anything for myself, idk how to adult and grow up idk what to do with myself like I’ve never prepared for this bc my whole life I thought I’ll die before I was even 18. I didn’t even see life past the day I was living, so a future was not something I ever thought about. my family doesn’t understand this, even if I were to explain everything but to them I’m just a joke. this is just a “phase” I’m just being over dramatic, and it’s so exhausting because I’m not lazy, I’m not mean, I’m not a homebody, I’m not any of that! I’m depressed as fuck, always suicidal, have super bad anxiety (social+generalized)[i hate that they don’t understand the severity of it too] my ocd is getting worse, I’m fucking traumatized by people touching me yes that means my family and they just think I’m being cold or mean by not wanting to hug them when I’m just not comfortable with anyone touching me. I have this eating disorder that’s tearing me apart, no I can’t sleep at night because of my phone it’s called insomnia!!!! i stay up all night and think about how fuckinf great it would be to kill myself and how I will do it!!!! some nights I can’t even think of sleep bc my anxiety is so bad!!!!! I cry every night!!!!!!and hey I can’t blame u for not noticing bc I do fake everything and again I don’t expect them to read my mind, in a way this is also my fault... but I’m like this bc I’m so closed off now. when my parents first found out about my depression/self harm/problems I was 16, I had alcohol poisoning and needed to get sent to the hospital from school. after this both my parents tried to change their habits of treating me bad, and trying to be there for me and at certain points I was comfortable enough to share my feelings with my mom especially when me and ex had broken up, but after I moved away to college I just felt like I needed to just shut up about everything bc of these expectations they have about me, they both thought that I was happy and that I was doing okay and I didn’t want to disappoint them anymore. so from that point on I just began to fake everything. I would always tell myself I do drugs for fun, and at times I do(like mdma) but I recently reazlied that I just use bc I’m sad. I used to be addicted to xans when I was 14-16 and I relied on them heavily bc it took away time from my day of being sad and feeling feelings. I’ve been feeling so dissociated by everyone and everything around me, I don’t think of anything. I think I use drugs so I can just get out of the mindset of my own... if that makes sense? like u know how ur not urself when ur on something, that’s what I like about drugs... is that I get away from my lifeless body and my mind and although I feel dissociated with myself already, it’s like idk i can’t really explain it. but life is just so draining, like I said I spent most of my life with mental illness and trying to function as an adult in the real world is already hard but how am I supposed to function when I couldn’t even as a child? or a teenager? how do u even do that? when I still have so much more problems (even way more) than I did before? I don’t even want to go back to therapy bc even though I want someone to deeply care about me and be so concerned, I don’t want to get okay. I don’t even think I ever will be okay, like I don’t want to stay alive and I don’t want to jeopardize not dying before the age I intend to

by getting help from people who can interfere. i hold comfort with me only knowing what’s wrong and no one knowing, because I know if I do tell someone everything that’s wrong and ya maybe they’ll give advice and say I should get help but they have their own lives and there’s only so much they can do and say before they forget about me wanting to off myself. I hold so many secrets in me. even when I would tell my best friend everything, I hardly say anything anymore... im just so tired of this life... I don’t want to continue feeling like this. I’ve completely given up on my life. I’m so worthless it’s pathetic, I used to belive that everyone has a purpose in life wether that be small or big but I just know that I have absolutely no purpose, no meaning to live, not important to anyone, my life is not worth anything. and I finally accepted this.

#superpersonal #fuckitanyways #Illbegonesoon

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love