#I had fun on this blog about myself personally

[bluishfrog]

HAPPY 1-YEAR OF DRAWING ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

(Warning: slightly longer post incoming cause sometimes I gotta be a sentimental bitch ok? So let's go on a little trip down memory lane.)

This day, a year ago, I made my very first fanart. It was dnf (if that surprises you, then welcome to being on my blog for the very first time). I drew a little frog face too so I could use it as a watermark (fun fact: I still use that very same first one).

I immediately put my drawing up on twt because I told myself that I wasn't gonna be afraid of having people see that I was at the very beginning of this journey and had no clue what I was doing. That instead of being bad at art, I was gonna be awesome at being a beginner who doesn't know shit.

I started with little doodles and silly comics and then I laughed way too long when the first drawing of mine that gained some attention was a dnf butt joke. At the time I was trying to balance shipping and non-shipping art so I didn't even draw dnf that much but in hindsight it's probably the only possible way this could have gone.

At the very end of August I woke up to @honelle56 caps-locking at me in my messages - I was very confused and tired (I am no morning person and I will never be, fuck off with your mornings) because Dranart liked my drawing of singing Dream. Dranart was my 17th follower on twt which is a useless yet extremely funny fact about my time on that hellsite.

I also drew human!patches because a) patches was and will always be my favorite dteam member and b) it was a really cute trend and while I do love drawing dream, george and sapnap, I was also quite happy to try drawing anything but a white man for once. And I really liked how the drawing turned out.

Much, much later, I tried to draw my first slightly more realistic looking drawing. I was extremely confused on how to draw anything like this. Especially their hair gave me tons of trouble but given my experience, I think it's not a bad attempt.

When hijacked smp started I obviously wanted to participate, and I drew c!blu who doesn't associate with any side in particular but instead serves soup to everyone who visits her tavern 'The Soup House'. She also wants to be paid in stories from all around the map.

One of the events I was most excited about was dnf week. I even collaborated with two talented writers and I drew the corresponding art for two fics.

(Fun or not so fun fact: when twt had like three hundred collaborative aneurysms about the situation at that moment, that was when I created this tumblr account. I didn't use it super actively (I guess I needed another situation to fully make the switch) but I at least started the account that now developed quite a bit since then.)

I didn't really draw at all through January and February and I actually kinda thought I would move on from that hobby and fandom (not because of negative feelings, just because I didn't really have the urge to create anything within this fandom) and then situations happened and now I am here; and for some reason that is beyond any logic and my understanding I am now even more insane about dteam.

Wild to me but we are rolling with it now, I guess.

Since I got here, I drew more than ever (I actually think I might have made more drawings in the month since I got here than I made the whole rest of the year). There's just such an active and funny community here that cares about fan works for the sake of creating and not just because a CC might see it.

Unfortunately, Tumblr won't let me add more than 10 images in one post (maybe fortunately for everyone who has this monstrosity of a post on their dash). So if you want to see all the progress I made since I got here, you can look at everything in my art tag. For now, I will close this post with one of the art works from the past month that I like the most:

Can't wait to see what the next year might bring :)

Love, blu

#blu rambles #like a LOT #but if you made it to the end of this post you get a hug <3 #bluishfrog art

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

#oh and if anyone knows where i can stream mob wives uncensored without paying any extra money i'd love you forever lol #that is unimportant- unless y'all find it important that i have access to all of my most influential pieces of media at all times IJSAYING! #jk jk ofc <3 thank you for reading #conspiracy in emerson #if cie #progress #cie ch 3

[anothermonikan]

Ponee (It is half 3 in the morning)

#hey she didn't actually come out too bad! #I didn't show the last time I tried to draw Sunny but it didn't look great ehe ^^; #I think Ponies are gonna have to be a digital art only thing for now cause I had the select and drag so many elements of this #to make this look right sahsdhdshsdh #Yeah despite liking ponies since I've became a conscious thing I never drew them a bunch #and well. that's because I didn't start drawing properly until I was like. 11 years old. and I was super into something else then ehe ^^; #Sorry to get personal in the tags of an mlp art thing but I do think about how I always wanted to draw but like. #I was such a chronic perfectionist as a little little kid??? I HATED everything I tried to make XD #It makes me a little sad yknow? cause like. most kids don't give a shit they just draw whatever and it's beautiful and amazing #it makes me sad that I didn't allow myself to have that! I worked backwards IG lmao #little 6 year old hating everything she tried to make for not being perfect to me now where I love when my art is full of imperfections #that's the point of art!!! Have fun!!! It doesn't need to be perfect or even “good”! #because art is about expression yknow? and drawing stuff you like! #sorry this only took like an hour this should be on a more high-effort drawing sdhdhdshsd #Also um hi to the person who followed me for MLP G5 art?? I mostly post about puters and Ultrakill and Rain World here #But I do really love ponies I need to draw them more often XD #this is my whatever blog. I post whatever interests me here hehe #MLP #MLP G5 #Android Arts #Android.txt

[magnifiico]

if anyone is waiting for anything from me (be it an ooc response in IMs or some sort of beginning to an interaction), please know i'm not ignoring you or not disinterested! (ꈍ ‸ ꈍ✿)

i was sick all week last week and now we're diving headfirst into the holidays, so i've been a bit scatterbrained with remembering to reply to things — i guarantee it's me, not you ♡

ty for your patience; i'm stoked to explore dynamics together!

#˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ 《 ooc 》 #i promise you i'm The Person who will read an IM and then think to myself “i'll reply to this in a sec!” #literally forget a second later #and then just forget the IM is there because there's no notification in my face anymore #that being said tho! i know i've had a few ooc discussions with some of you recently #about starting interactions that haven't kicked off the ground yet! #i PROMISE i'm HERE for those interactions and excited! #you have not been forgotten and we WILL do fun things together <3 #i appreciate everyone being patient in the meantime #also with the pjo show coming out tomorrow that's about to become my entire personality again #comfort content let's go u.u/ #so i'll prolly be doing a lot more blog-hopping and giving my boy leo some extra love but! #none of that takes away from my eternal obsession with this man #and all of the dynamics i've discussed so far + any to look forward to in the future >w> stay tuned~

[khihi]

hm. feeling annoying and embarrassing to be around today. dont like that.

#/vent #/personal #pls ignore if you're in a good mood i do Not want to be a bummer #dyou ever like... swing violently between extroverted and introverted?? #idk i feel like that's the only way i can explain it #while i'm in an extroverted mood my anxiety makes it feel like i'm on a rollercoaster #like pushing myself onto the ride (being social) is hooorrible but i've learned that it's worth it in the end and i have fun #but then when i swing back to feeling more introverted it's like #suddenly the most dramatic fucking crash #and every interaction i've ever had makes me feel sick to think about #even the good ones somehow #and i'm embarrassed about the fact i exist #like i feel annoying and embarrassing 24/7 even on good days but on bad days it's like it's eating my body from the inside out #wish i had a normal brain hahaaaa #uggh. anyway. sorry for this but what use is a tumblr blog if you don't document your decent into insanity.

[running-in-the-dark]

a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)

#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have #heart disease. #scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it #but it's been years now so I don't remember the details #just that that's a thing apparently #and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that #do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :) #it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week. #like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭 #also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary. #like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and #yeah it sucks. #specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't #need to say it where anyone can see #it's embarrassing enough #though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about. #like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45. #it's so unbelievably exhausting. #but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :) #oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently #that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me #haha isn't that fun :) ) #ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very #well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part. #and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for #this long. so. guess I'm just fucked. #personal

[cha1cedony]

AHEM ANYWAY. Ignoring the last post 😁 another busy day… Basically just did projects all day bleh (although I did get lunch and go shopping with my dad for a lil bit)! Tomorrow I will force myself to sit down and write. Like with a timer LOL. It’s the only way… 💪

#I kind of want to make a blog to just post stuff that happens in. my life #not interesting but fun. for me #I love talking about myself 😇 sorry! I’m a Leo sun /lh LMAO #I’m not an astrology person but it is pretty accurate in my case… Leo sun Pisces moon Cancer rising. do with that what you will #SIGHH anyway I have to go to another 2 and 1/2 hour rehearsal 😭 at least I had food this time #chalcy stuff

[13eyond13]

Hello I just excited saw your tags on an L post about what you think his enneagram type is !!! Can you go deeper into what u see his type as and why?? :)

Hi hi! I got into the Enneagram a couple years back for funsies, and I think L is probably a Type 5 with a 6 wing, which I guess is called either "The Troubleshooter" or "The Investigator" (lol, fitting).

The Type 5s tend to be quite logical and independent and intelligent, very focused on gathering information and sussing out meanings and analyzing and interpreting data. The Type 6 tends to be skeptical and private and cautious and focused, which I think would be his most likely secondary type (rather than the Type 4, which is a bit more of an artsy and emotional and sensitive type).

Here is what the write-up for the 5w6 says:

People with an enneagram type 5 wing 6 personality usually identify the most with the type 5, but also share traits with the 6 type. They tend to be practical, independent, and logical in their behavior. They are much more cooperative than other 5 types and have a passion for using their knowledge to solve real-world problems.

Basic Fear

Five wing sixes fear being useless or incapable. They seek to improve the world around them in order to feel worthy.

Basic Desire

Their basic desire is to be competent and useful. They usually show this by picking up new skills and pieces of knowledge that can be of benefit.

Troubleshooters may withdraw from others to cope with stressful situations, which can tend to make them feel lonely.

In summary, Enneagram 5w6 personalities tend to...

Be hard-working and analytical problem-solvers

Withdraw from others when stressed

Prefer to spend time thinking alone

Fear being incapable or incompetent

Make practical and logical decisions

Enneagram 5w6 Strengths

Being focused and well-organized

Passion for learning and growing

Solving difficult or complex problems

Remaining calm in times of crisis

Enneagram 5w6 Weaknesses

Struggling to relate to and understand others

Tendency to be private and defensive

Being perceived as cold or aloof

Difficulty taking action when uninspired

How Enneagram 5w6 personalities like to work

Communicating with an Enneagram 5w6

Avoid emotional expressions and allow five wing sixes space to think and process.

Meeting with an Enneagram 5w6

Keep meetings short and sweet; focus on clearly addressing the purpose.

Emailing an Enneagram 5w6

Be direct when emailing, allowing five wing sixes to share insightful and new ideas.

Giving feedback to an Enneagram 5w6

Offer constructive criticism and honest feedback; give specific areas for improvement.

Resolving conflict with an Enneagram 5w6

Focus on logically expressing your perspective; work toward a mutual understanding, allowing them time to think privately, if needed.

Enneagram 5w6 Motivations

Enneagram 5w6s tend to be motivated and energized by...

Solving or preventing problems

Spending time alone to gather their thoughts

Feeling like they’re contributing to society

Pursuing knowledge in the specific area that sparks their personal interest

Enneagram 5w6 Stress

Enneagram 5w6s tend to be stressed and drained by...

Spending too much time around others

Needing to be emotionally vulnerable

Feeling unwanted or rejected by others

Self-doubt and insecurity

--

I think it all sounds a lot like him. The introversion and fierce independence, the problem-solving skills and preoccupation with privacy when socializing, withdrawn when moody and listless when uninspired, etc. The list of strengths and motivations reminds me a lot of him when he is successfully honing in on Kira during the beginning of the story, and the stresses and weaknesses remind me a lot of L when he is struggling more during the Yotsuba Arc.

#l lawliet #ask #anon #p #i personally am a 6w5 which is similar but #idk it is not really the most fun type hahah reading about it is like #you are suspicious ALL THE TIME #sweet i guess? #but it is accurate for me in that i tend to create big networks of people i can consult about things #to get my bearings when i'm feeling unsure of myself or wanting some secondary opinions #like this here blog hahaha #my theory is because i had such a discombobulating childhood and had to rework my worldview fully several times so #i hate feeling left without a support network and #i am constantly on-guard for things trying to trick me or isolate me from others against my will and #although i'm not super extroverted i love having lots of other people available to consult before i trust in something without question #so i tend to LOVE suspicious characters like detectives who are always like hmmm idk about this #L is a fellow suspicious sally for sure #but i think he is more of a 5w6 #wouldn't surprise me if maybe Near was a fellow 6w5 #light is probably somewhere in types 1-3

[vampacidic]

what are your thoughts on suou tsukasa. i think she is very egglike and also chubby

uu i've acfually never really dug into tsukasa lore LMAO she's just not a character my brain attached to.. i feel like i'd be obsessed with her if i dug into her maybe 2 years agai bc her struggle with expectations reeeeally would've reflected my own at the time but i never did.. i think she's cute. a bit of a try hard but in the cutest way possible. for some reason i have all of her gacha five stars on both music and basic.... i'm squeezing her like this

#ask #len 🐻 #i tend to avoid characters/stories that deal heavily with weight gain/loss and eating problems regardless of what the message is bc of #my own mental health... regardless of whether the message reflects my own beliefs or not i just kinda. Cant deal with that stuff #which is why i tend to avoid knights stories... i think they have fun dynamics and i read fics (sometimes) but canon will just throw #out dieting culture/eating disorder stuff and i Physically can't deal with it lol... #i don't have an ED diagnosed but i recognize a lot of those purging/reward system behaviors in myself and i have found out the best way to #deal with them in my case is to jsut. ignore eating concepts as a whole #i work out i take care of myself i eat my veggies and that's about it and if i think too much the behavior comes back #so like. this is a long and personal tangent to say 'i haven't read any tsukasa stories because i'm afraid ED concepts will show up' #coughs. izumi #regardless i kinda watch her from a distance and go yeah.. that's the tsukasa #this is like how when tumblr had the like. 'posts based on what you like :)' feature that would just show up on mobile dash #i kept getting ED concepts and i was like haha! i physically can't do that! so i blocked so many ED blogs #actually when i still used twitter i had an old mutual deactivate #years later they came back to me via dms and were like 'hey it's X if you wanna be mutuals again?' #(cw for mentions of ED culture) #and they were an ED account lol. all rts of thinspo/calorie counting/etc #and i never responded bc i physically couldn't do it. lol. it was wild #anywya. sage lore of the day

[dumb-fictionkin-sideblog]

Practicing Russian in France while speaking English and eating Japanese mochi

#bilingual moment #and yeah speaking english because i speak to myself a lot #and the russian (or japanese can't remember) course wasn't available for french speakers on duolingo #i started learning japanese there and thought i'd start russian since i always loved how it sounded and well. the course was right there #as a side thing. #and then i completely ditched the japanese course because the russian one is more fun #i could post this on my main. but i hate talking about myself on my main. #this is my I Have A Personality place here! where i Talk and Ramble #i wish i had half as much personality on my main as i do here. damn #this should be my main and my main should be my art side blog #i wish you could switch mains lol. but tumblr won't give us that #sunny #now that i think about it two of my kins share a (half) nationality and i share mine with the third kintype #funny coincidence

[ghoul-haunted]

sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay that my interests veer from one genre to the other because that ‘oh this is cringe,’ instinct keeps biting me in the neck whenever I go to post something romantic™ and I’ve been getting better at holding my ground and not giving into it. yeah!!! I do like romance!!! it’s fine!!!!! I can take romance seriously if I want to!!!!!!

#i repeat this until i hit post and then it's outta my hands and im on to the next thing #many years of people telling me that romance is embarrassing and not something serious creators pursue has left its mark #but i am determined to ignore it and have a good time #anyway the above 'i DO like this thing and i CAN take it seriously if i want to' has been my mantra with art for a few months now #and im genuinely happier for it. like....i look back at what ive made over on my history blog and i LIKE it!!! it was fun!!! it makes me #want to try out new things and then actually follow thru with it knowing that if it doesn't land quite right that time i can try again #some other time #theres some earlier pieces where im like. hmm. if i was to re draw it now i would not use so many lines so close together #but!! i wanted to do it that way at the time!!! and i had fun doing it!!!! and i liked that i did it!!!! #ON THE OTHER HAND sometimes it is also NOT about taking things seriously. ive also given myself permission to be a filthy casual #about shit if i want to. i'll make a ridiculous modern au if i want to bc i personally think its funny to do it.

[strwbrymlkshake]

literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–

#mine #i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh #i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else #im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that #anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee #made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon #i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him #'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog. #im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite #im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to #practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird #my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him #im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck #well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok #i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it #n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin #he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered #i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows #im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also. #hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god. #i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal #i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear #i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun #i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much #i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well #tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately #i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood #maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat #this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul #💿

[bmpmp3]

i NEEED to be more annoying about being mixed race in public i keep forgetting how dire it is. sometimes i point out stuff in like visual culture classes about like a magazine cover with a biracial model or something and it blows peoples MINDS because the whole class forgot mixed people were real

#sometimes im like nooooo i shouldnt be too loud about it people find it annoyinggggg sometimes #but then i remember. if i dont. my white peers. i love them i do they're ready to learn and they do a lot of thinking #once you point stuff out. but by god you need to point this stuff out first LOL classmates put a lot of care and thought into all kinds of #issues but HOO baby. race is a BIG blind spot for a lot of em hfkjdjdkfh #i just get surprised is all. i didnt realize how little the average non-mixed-race person thinks about this stuff #i like to call myself whiteboy. because i think thats funny. its my internal monologue. but also i am not actually whiteboy #and i forget the real whiteboys (gender neutral?) dont know much about mixed issues hjskasjfkd #oh speaking of i guess as a quick primer: i should probably mention. i tend to call myself mixed race #just the terminology i grew up with. but in most professional and academic settings i'll use biracial or multiracial where applicable #or when referring to people who are not myself or someone i know prefers the term mixed #i dont know why i like the term mixed. maybe its just easier to say and explain LOL but yeah #not everyone likes the term mixed race so its usually better to call someone biracial or multiracial if you dont know #multiracial identities are vast and can be vastly different. one persons experience is much different from anothers #my experience is different from my older brothers and we have the same parents and look pretty alike #and our experiences are different from like. my biracial cousin who grew up in the US #and all of us have different experiences than the only other multiracial classmate ive had in years #really the best thing is to read stuff written by multiracial people. books articles blogs. watch video content #theres a lot to learn constantly even if youre multiracial yourself! lots of people on this earth. but it can be fun! #interesting and fun to connect with others by listening to their stories and experiences!

[omegapheromone]

Sometimes I post a text post on this blog then get a note on my main blog (for some random post on there) and it absolutely never fails to make my heart stop in a second of blind panic thinking I've casually posted some ramblings about being an omega to my main blog.

#I don't mind saying I read the occasional omegaverse fanfic or whatever on main which is true and not really an underestimation either #but it's more like my posts here are so often something like 'waaah im in heat i hate it' that turn into incoherent ranting in tags #at times about which pixel men I find attractive and would like to help me through said heats #that it's genuinely a moment of true horror for me every time #seriously I'm gambling with my cardiac health having this as a side blog and not a fully separate one #if this blog mysteriously disappears one day IT'S BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED TO MAIN #okay #and HAD to delete all traces immediately #it's that or deleting my entire tumblr all side blogs included. and also myself. there are irl friends who follow my main. #listen they're cool and accepting but I would never survive the level of mortification #(i know they wouldn't sweat it but I don't want them to know my private life!!) #(I don't want them to be hanging out with me and then randomly think 'oh right this person is into knotting and heat cycles' even if they- #-don't necessarily MIND it!!! it's a mortifying thought! I want the cover of normalcy and to not be poked fun at!) #also I don't want to risk any drama in case it's actually somehow a turn-on for anyone in my extended friend circle #or even mainblog mutuals who live nearby but aren't irl friends #in a ridiculous turn of events I think this only solidifies my prev post #this screams 'omega pretending to be a beta for convenience (and because trauma)' #gamietxt #i do always double check which blog I am posting to but I'm not immune to forgetfulness so the thought that MAYBE... maybe I didn't check #is enough to terrorize me

[aromantic-pantyanarchy]

It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.

I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.

I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.

I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)

I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.

#aromantic #aro #aro positivity #reference to aphobia

[rue-bennett]

i really don’t understand people who think they’re doing the lord’s work for spreading around m*tty healy is problematic posts and twitter threads thinking it’s their duty to save taylor from a problematic dude and someone saying they just have to live with her decisions or not stan her anymore if they can’t handle it is somehow the unreasonable one idk

#think whatever you think feel however you feel #but feeling like you can and should control someone’s life is weird! #even if they’re not the shiny clean person you want them to be or thought they were #iiiiidk #i said on my tay blog that I don’t hate the guy and am enjoying the relationship actually #and lost like 5 followers in a minute #it’s WILD #sorry i don’t think he’s the scum of the earth? #he’s a sleazy guy 100% and has said terrible things etc etc etc #my post was actually about how i’m so sick of speaking in caveats and defending myself #for not WANTING to have to defend myself #because i dont wanna defend him or his actions or any shit #i just wanna uh enjoy a pop culture moment without it being seen as a morality test #which is what this has become for sw*fties #and i think someone broke mutuals with me over that and it jsut makes me sad lol #because this is legit the most fun i had in the fandom for a bit bc i Love both their music. music!!!! not their every action or tweet i jus #sigh. #personal #but now im posting about it here bc well lol