#I feel like shit and it's not my moms fault but she didnt help with saying that and trying to play aroung by poking my face

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ sunrise in versailles (part 3) (chapter 15)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5k

warnings- swearing, fighting (waaa), emotional distress, mentions of miscarriage, lots of sad shit tbh. I think this is all? lmk.

a/n-Hi m'loves, I hope ur all doing well and having a good summer so far!! I will update the main masterlist asap so all of the chapters are easily accessible through pinned post on my page! -Nini

"so....he's saying that it just happened and there wasn't necessarily any reasoning behind it. Its normal....its not your fault." Taehyung whispered, translating the english speaking doctor's words into Korean as you remained seating in a hospital bed.

No reasoning? normal?

You would scoff if you had the energy.

Instead, you just blinked a few times in understanding, putting your head back and looking up at the obnoxiously bright lights in the room. Really- they werent comforting in the slightest.

The doctor kept speaking to Taehyung, who then would refer to you, "they are....gonna give you medicine to help pass any, um, tissue? left inside..." his voice was thick, slicked with grief as he tried to explain everything.

After they handed you a few papers and pamphlets, they passed a bottle of pain reliever and extra medication into your hands, then pushed you out of the clinic, as if nothing happened, or if anything changed.

The car ride back to the hotel was quiet, you refused to even hold Taehyungs hand, which, yeah...you felt bad for shutting him out, because you know he was hurting just as much as you were, however you wanted to just process it by yourself. It perhaps was selfish to do so, but you didnt want to talk about it.

even with him.

"maybe its a good idea to look into a flight back home...?" he whispered, hand on your lower back as you walk back into the room. You winced before crawling onto the bed, hugging a pillow.

"no....." you mumbled, closing your eyes. The thought of going on a 12 hour plane ride in this condition made you queasy. You just wanted to lay in bed for the next few days to recover.

He put the stuff down and stood in front of the bed, looking down at his feet as his mind rambled of ways to help. "are you hungry?"

You shook your head.

"thirsty? You should probably have some water......do you want me to run you a bath-?"

"taehyung!" you looked over at him, he was taken back for a moment upon hearing your voice, the loudest you've spoken since the miscarriage began. "I want to be left alone, I dont need anything"

He frowned, "but you-"

"but nothing" you sighed, resting your head back down. You swallowed any trace of sadness in your voice, any signal you were ready to break down. "I just....I want to sleep."

"okay" he nodded, upset at your dismissive behavior. All he wanted was to hold you in this moment, for you two to mourn together so you can heal, and you were practically pretending he didnt exist.

He grabbed his cellphone and calmly left the room, walking out to clear his head. The weather was now much sunnier, air was hot but nice. He wondered what adventure you both would be up to right now if this never happened.

Reluctantly, he began to ring up his mother to discuss whats going on, knowing that you will probably be mad for doing it without you, but he needed someone to talk to so desperately.

"mom...." he whispered when the ringing on the other line stopped, signaling someone picked up.

"Taehyung? whats wrong?" her voice was groggy, He suddenly remembered that it was really late over in Busan, and she was most likely asleep.

"im sorry for calling so late" he mumbled, "I just really need to talk to you"

"what is it?" her voice was more awake now, obvious curiosity and panic.

He sighed, taking a breath as he looked around at the people walking down the street. "Y/N....this morning, she had a miscarriage." he swallowed roughly, feeling the familiar lump in his throat. "we just got back to the room after going to the clinic, shes okay, but she wont talk to me...and I know this doesnt concern you in the slightest, you were upset to begin with, but....im hurting mom." his voice cracked at the last sentence, face hiding into his arm.

He heard a stilling of breath on the other line.

Taehyungs mother wasnt all too pleased to hear you both were expecting a child together, but she never wished for something like this to happen, it was heartbreaking.

"ah my son... im terribly sorry my dear." she exhaled, "its okay to cry, its okay to be upset, you know?"

He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the collar of his shirt, "yeah but, I just wanna be with her and shes getting mad at me"

"Its a difficult situation, She is hurting just like you maybe even more, and she needs space....she will come around okay? where is she? where are you? did they specify what caused it?"

"im outside of our hotel, sitting on a bench, she doesnt want me in the room....and shes okay, they gave her medicine and stuff but they said it was natural, like nothing inflicted it or caused it"

She nodded on the other line "okay...maybe you both should come home. I know you worked hard to be there right now but if shes sick you guys need to be close to us. I will make some meals and bring them over so she doesnt have to cook, or you can just stay with us, whatever you two decide."

He brushed his hair with his fingers, listening to his mothers soft soothing tone, one he wasn't particularly used to hearing too often. "I asked her if we should go back and she said no"

"she wants to stay in a foreign country during this? what if something else happens?"

"I dont think she wants to deal with the plane ride" he sighed

"thats understandable, but she can just sleep the entire time, then i'll order a cab to our house straight from the airport, how does that sound?"

"I'll try to talk to her again about it, I just want her to be okay"

"she will be okay, but these things take time. She may not act like she needs you there with her but she does, go back to the room okay?"

"okay....thank you, I'll text you after, love you..." he mumbled, grateful that for once, his mother was supportive in such a time of pain.

-

"you showered?" he asked, walking back into the room as he saw you on the floor, looking out the large window by the bed. Your long wet hair gently dripping to the carpet below you.

"mhm" your eyes stayed glued to the city, watching cars drive around as the sun began to say its goodbyes, setting beautifully and coating the sky with a purple and orange tint.

His eyes looked down to the pillow in your lap, you squeezed it tightly.

"how...uh, how are you feeling physically?"

"mm" you shrugged, finally turning back to look at him. You were pale, and you looked exhausted. The dark bags under your eyes didnt lie. "im managing"

"you dont have to manage alone" he whispered, sitting beside you.

"taehyung..."

"y/n"

You looked at him as he sat on the carpet next to you, your body tightening up once more.

"why wont you let me be here for you?" he whispered, eyes directly on yours as he tilted his head. Taehyung didnt want to come off as aggressive or forceful.

You shook your head, eyes darting out the window once more. "I dont wanna talk about it"

"why no-"

"because it fucking kills me!" you cried out, covering your face, "it hasnt even been a day, im processing it, it doesnt feel real and I just..."

He looked at you, his own expression softening as he felt his stomach churn.

"I just wish it never happened" you choke out in a faint whisper

"I know baby, I know...." he mumbled, slowly bringing his arm to yours, pulling you into his lap. "me too, this is awful, I know it is, and I know I will never understand how you feel....but im hurting too. lets process this together? please?" his fingers laced through your hair as you softly cried, you could feel the exhaustion and emotion seeping through every ounce of your body. "I think we should just go home..."

"but you worked so hard to be here....we arent going..."

Taehyung sighed, "its not important. I...I called my mom and explained the situation, shes offering us a room at the house, she will cook for us and everything, allow you time to heal, and-"

You stopped crying, climbing off his lap and looking at him as if he slapped you in the face. "you called your mom? why? what?"

"I know, im sorry, I shouldve asked you if it was okay-"

"yeah you should have" you wiped your nose and stood up, huffing and tossing the pillow back onto the bed. "thats so....you dont need to go telling everyone. Not to mention she gave me shit when she found out I was pregnant, and now she wants to be all supportive? bull fucking shit"

He was taken back at your sudden outburst, he rose to his feet and turned to you "baby, hey, I know my parents arent the best but they are offering support right now, put all the fighting aside, she knows your hurting and is just trying to be nice"

"I dont care, I refuse to let her do that, especially given the fucking comments she through at me" you ran your hands through your hair. "I mean, shit, taehyung, my own mom didnt know I was pregnant yet and now I have to tell her I already miscarried?" you sighed "this is a lot on me! this is a lot mentally, and you cant just go telling people, im embarrassed"

"you shouldnt be"

"I am, I dont really want to be coddled or get sympathy calls and texts from people, I just want to be alone, and to be honest, I am really fucking mad at you right now"

He raised his brow, he was upset at your behavior but tried to understand the situation from your point of view. "okay..." he exhaled, "I get it, I know, and im sorry"

You threw your phone across the room, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Taehyung felt lost, his attempt of helping seemed to only make shit worse for the both of you. How was one person supposed to navigate or fix the said situation? you wanted help, but you refused it.

He didnt want to leave again, but he grabbed his coat and walked out once more, this time it was to sit on the fire escape stairs out near the balcony.

It felt like hours, he cried, watching cars drive around. It was selfish, but he wished he was one of those people.

he wished he was away, he wished you and him were doing what you had originally planned for the day instead of this.

His heart was in his throat as it suddenly hit him, the loss of the child he had learned to grow so fond of. Taehyung had not known them for very long, but oh, he fell in love at the first heartbeat, the first sonogram that still sat in his wallet at this very moment.

He was in love the moment he walked into his bedroom and saw it as a nursery for the first time, eager to push everything out just so he can decorate it 7 months early.

The moment he saw your bump beginning to form, snapping photos left and right. The moments of holding your hair back so you didnt get vomit in it during your morning sickness days. The moments of him talking to your stomach late at night when you pretended to be asleep and watch.

Taehyung would whisper his fears but righten them as promises of love and nothing less. the role of a father.

It seemed so scary at first, but as he settled into it, the idea became somewhat comforting, at least knowing he wasnt alone.

But now what?

Where do you even start to pick up the pieces of loss of a life you never even got to taste?

Everything that was finally looking up was ripped away in a matter of moments. He was angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at the innocent people walking around below...but he wasnt angry at you, no matter how much you deflect his compassion.

He tossed his cigarette and began to look up at the stars, trying to mentally keep track of the number of them. It was something to distract his brain, it was something to do other than feel pathetic.

The slider door to the balcony slowly opened, presenting you tightly wrapped in a robe as your hair was now thrown into a pony tail.

Taehyung waved his hand, too afraid to speak up.

"I just got off the phone"

He nodded, looking over.

"with my mom" you exhale

"oh?" Taehyung sat up quickly as you walked over, sitting beside him.

"yeah" you whisper, of course you had been crying, there was no way to hide it. "I told her everything, mine as well not wait"

He nodded, unsure of how to react

Its quite for a moment, the overwhelming tension between you both choking you as the night sky blanketed the city, the air thick with love and grief.

"are you okay?" he whispered

"yes...or, will be anyways" you sniff, taking a deep breath and allowing your lungs to receive a moment of calmness for the first time today. "are you?"

He shrugged, looking at you. "mad..." he murmured, watching his heel continue to dig into the cigar that was already on the ground.

"mad?" you whisper

"yeah, mad."

"why?"

"because..." it was his turn to cry, his fists bunching up his white shirt. "I left you, I fucking left you while it happened."

You frown, watching his eyes look anywhere but your own. "My love...whether you were in the room or not, it still wouldve happened"

"At least you wouldnt have been alone..." he choked, "I keep getting images of how scary it mustve been, and how you kept calling me and I was just...not there"

You wiped your eyes, scooting closer to him.

"so fucking dumb, im so stupid. I hate everyone and im mad. Im angry, its not fair" he mumbled

You were unsure of what to say to him, opting to pull him into your arms as you embraced eachother.

"where were you anyways...?"

He sniffed, whispering lowly "I went to get you flowers, and breakfast" his cheeks were slightly red. "just my luck, I do something nice and the world spits in my face"

You couldnt help the small smile that found its way onto your lips, "well thats very sweet...."

"doesnt matter. it was dumb and I shouldnt have left you"

"you cant blame yourself for this" you look at him, turning his head so he sees you. "we need to stop blaming ourselves. This is going to take a while to recover from, and we gotta realize that now more than ever." you whisper, pressing your forehead to his.

He nodded, lifting slightly to kiss you delicately.

Taehyung held both of your hands as he rested his head on your shoulder.

"Im going home"

He sniffed, "you are? I think thats good, we dont have to stay at my moms house, I understand how awkward that might be for you, and it was my wrong doing to just go and talk behind your back. We can just go back to the apartment okay?"

You shake your head slowly, "no, Tae, home...Gwangju." you spoke into his ear gently, your hand running circles on his back. "I need to see my mom, I need time to recover, and to be honest, I need to recover from a lot more than just this one thing...."

He sat away, looking at you. "Gwangju?"

"yeah. Ive been thinking about going back for a while, remember? my mom isnt getting any younger and she still has troubles with her back. She wasnt doing too well when we visited. I need to be with my mom to help her, and so she can help me with everything Ive been dealing with, which....is a lot." you exhale, trying to offer a small laugh to lighten the mood. "she misses me too, all the time"

His face was contorted, mind racing. "well...okay..." he nodded slowly, "thats fine...when do we leave?"

You bit your bottom lip and looked at him, "not we, just me tae..."

Taehyung frowned, "what do you mean? you....are leaving without me?" his voice was thick with emotion as the realness of the sudden situation sunk in.

"yeah...not for long, I promise, I just need time-"

"what are you talking about?" he chokes out, standing up and looking down at you. "I offered to take you back home so we can recover and rest, I offered you anything I could, and you refused, now suddenly you are hot and eager to hop on a plane to Gwangju to....get away from me?"

"its not like that"

"then please explain what it is like because it seems as if life isnt the problem, its me"

You roll your eyes slightly, "stop jumping to conclusions, you know first hand how bad the past months have been, between kaito, the pregnancy, school, work and the drama with you and I. I lost all my friends, I switched to online classes just for the situation, I have to manage everything, all of my shit including yours"

"What do you mean?"

"its just a lot, tae, I am only one person. I love you, I really do, and I wish you would calm down so I can explain."

He sits, face in his hands.

"Listen" you begin "everything is just a lot right now, this...loss..." you whisper "it was the sole decider for me to make the move to go back home for a while. I need to fix some shit, because im not the best person, and I need to be away from people"

"you sound so crazy"

You scoff, looking at him, "crazy?"

"yeah, crazy. so what? we break up? you know, couples dont just leave or abandon eachother when something bad happens, you turn to them when you need support, just as we done with everything else so far." he tries to plead with you, hands trembling a bit. "I know its a lot for you, I know your body is tired physically and mentally, and I can only imagine how the past 24 hours have been, but....you do realize that I am hurting as well? this doesnt just involve you, it was my baby too?"

You sink into your seat, sighing as you shake your head, "obviously I know that"

"then why are you acting like its only your problem?" he winced, "we....we are missing out on so many experiences. we will never get to hold or see that baby ever, you think that doesnt rip my fucking heart out y/n??" his voice wavered, now slightly louder as he tried to get you to see his side. "this is so selfish, you are being so selfish"

You felt tears seep into your eyes, quickly getting up so he doest see your reaction as you open the slider, feet guiding you back into the cold hotel room.

"yeah run away" he scoffs, tears streaming down his face as he attempts to follow you, tossing his jacket to the floor in rage.

"where will I be? where do I go?" he yelled, watching you silently search the closet as you rip clothes out, tossing them to the bed.

When you dont respond, he grows more upset and desperate. "so fuck me then? right? because my feelings on this dont matter?" he cried, standing at the door and watching you. "please tell me what ive done, what ive said, to make you feel like you cant talk or confide in me? why is there no comfort between us? what the fuck happened?"

Tears freely fell as you aggressively threw your suitcase together, you heard his words sink into your blood, your own emotions tugging at your heart as you tried to convince yourself you were capable of making your own choices. "its not a break up, its just some time away from everything, I will come back" you spoke, teeth gritted.

"you are being so selfish y/n" he shook his head in disbelief, "why am I not enough to help? why cant we both go to your moms?"

"because im tired!!" you yell, throwing the shoes in your hands.

He laughed, eyes scanning over you "you are tired? from what? ....oh I get it, me giving you every limb I have, spending my time and money on you must be so exhausting. Im just the fucking worst huh? Jesus, y/n, you are acting like I fucking punched you" he spit

You glared at him, pinching your thigh as he referred to Kaito "Im tired of drama following me everywhere I go. I never fucking asked you to give me anything, ever, at all." you whisper, eyes sinking into his. "How dare you say that to me....." you grew angry at your voice wavering "this was a mistake"

His eyes widened, "a mistake..?"

"yeah..." you scoff "a mistake, clearly the biggest one ive made" you were quick to wipe your eyes. "we should have stayed just friends, you feeling forced to provide and love me just because of the baby is pathetic. You dont have to worry about it anymore anyways, asshole" you spit, turning around.

He felt like he had gotten stabbed in the chest, his breath leaving his lungs as you sat there and accused him of not only not loving you, but the child. "y/n, you know nothing...you have no idea what you are saying"

"oh but I do"

"you are angry, and thats why you said that, I really hope thats the case...because what you just accused me of...." his voice was tight and shallow. "how can you say I only stayed because of the baby....who, by the way, I was willing to give up everything for"

"you felt compelled to, you dont have to lie anymore"

His tears continued to fall, he was shocked at your words. "y/n I love you and that baby more than anything....why are you saying this?"

He regretted yelling, and perhaps he said words that dug deeper than he meant them too, however what you threw back at him was worse than any conversation prior.

"Yeah well I dont even know if the baby was yours or Kaitos so It literally doesnt matter" you threw clothes into your bag "its gone anyways" you sobbed, "so just go on and do whatever the fuck you were doing before I pulled you down with me, okay?"

Taehyung gasped softly, eyes widening as he watched you.

You knew it was wrong, you regretted saying it as soon as it left your mouth, but you couldn't go back on it, not anymore.

"you....you dont?"

You didnt reply, instead, picking the pace up as you gathered your things.

"baby....baby talk to me this isnt funny anymore" he ran over to you, desperately seeking your attention. "look....i...I dont care if it was mine or not, I wouldnt have treated them any differently, baby please listen to me, its okay"

"taehyung I have to go" you whispered

"no..please my love, why are you....what did I do? im sorry...im sorry" he grasped your hand and fell onto his knee

"stop" you choked out, looking at him with tears in your eyes. "listen...Its not forever, just give me some space....please"

"why...this is so...." he whispered, crying as he looked up at you, "please think this through. let me come with you-"

"taehyung....look at me, Im not breaking up with you, I just need space, and if you wont let me do that..." you shrug, "then what are we doing here?"

He looks down at his hands

"thank you, okay? thank you for giving me all of this, and Im sorry it didnt work out, but we need to have time away so we can come back stronger, okay?" you choked out before going back to what you were doing.

Taehyung at some point in the conversation gave up at trying to convince you to stay, he realized his words were no longer effective, and you were gonna walk away from him no matter what he said.

He felt your grip loosen, specifically within the past few weeks. You were slowly slipping away and he knew it, but he didnt want to think it was anything you two couldnt fix, he needed you just as much as you needed him.

He knew he would wait, and if you left and needed space, then he would let you do so.

"fine..." he whispered, feeling one hundred percent defeated as his eyes watched you gather your things. "w-when....are you leaving?"

you sniffed, "tomorrow morning"

"i'll go with you to the airport" he said quickly, making your grasp on your bag tighten.

"okay" you mumbled.

Its not that you didnt love Kim Taehyung, its that you loved him too much to be wrapped in this drama with him all the time. Things will be well for a while then something happens, something always happens, and its not fair.

to either of you.

You regretted saying the baby thing the moment it came out of your mouth, but you were always bad at dealing with emotions. After some time alone with your mom you would need to do some major damage control.

You only wanted 2 weeks alone, its not like you were leaving for 2 years, why was he being so stubborn about this?

It was a fairly quite car trip at 6am the next morning to the airport.

The grey clouds that toppled over you set the tone of the day for taehyung as he parked among the cars in the lot. The last time you two were at this airport was when you arrived here, hopes high for not only the trip, but a positive change in eachothers future.

one that never came.

he walked you inside all the way to your gate, watching as crowds of people gathered nearby.

"well...." he whispered, watching the way his feet scuffed the floor beneath him.

"well..." you repeated, turning to look at him. "its only a few weeks"

Taehyung nodded, repeating the extent in his brain like it would reassure him.

"we will come out of this as better people" you mumbled, reaching up to hug his tightly, hands finding the familiar pattern of running down his back, squeezing him.

"I hope" he exhaled, hugging you just as tight.

Once you pulled away, your faces close together, you looked into his eyes and took every ounce within you to avoid tearing up. Before bed last night, you both discussed the properties of this situation, and what exactly it would entail. You apologized for your words, as did he, and now here you both were at the end of the terminal waiting for your plane to be called so you can head back to korea without him.

"about the baby...." you whispered, looking at him

"I know...you dont have to apologize again. y/n, I dont care who's it was, I honestly dont. nothing would have led me away from you" he reassured, "I just want to make sure you will be okay on the flight"

You nod slowly, "i will be fine, moms picking me up when I land so..."

"good, thats good"

"yup, and i'll text you when im at home okay?" you spoke

"got it"

"you'll wait for me?"

"i'll wait for you" he whispered, kissing your forehead.

"even if im the most awful person?"

Tae laughed softly "you arent, but even if you were, yes"

You nod sadly, finally allowing the tears to spill as he immediately hugged you close to his chest again. its not a goodbye, its a "see you later", right?

"dont cry...this is what you wanted"

You pull back, wiping your eyes "yeah...yeah"

The speaker above your heads announced boarding for your plane. Grabbing the tickets from your bag, you looked at taehyung once more and smiled weakly, "i'll see you, okay?"

He smiled, nodding "i'll be there when you need me" please need me

You waved, quickly turning so he wouldn't see you crying again as you made your way down the tunnel, your body now hidden behind the herd of other passengers.

"love you" he whispered to himself, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he realized his current state, alone.

He hasnt been alone in months, and it provided a certain uncomfy feeling that ran through his body, almost disturbing. He knew he would be returning to the hotel and packing so he could visit his own mother and father back in Busan. Explaining that situation to them will be its own event.

How could something so sweet and beautiful always find its way to trash? to devastation? it was what you two thrived on, and perhaps time apart was needed after all.

He would wait for you

He would wait for your laugh, your eyes, the way you whispered, the way you nagged him over being messy, or how you fussed when he forgot to eat again.

But....how long exactly would he do so?

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

#bts #bts fanfic #taehyung #kim taehyung #bts fluff #bts smut #kim taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung series #taehyung fanfic #taehyung smut

[fairycosmos]

i need a sane brain to tell me that im not wrong here. so lets say you told your mom you were going to help her move some shit out of your house but then you wake up kinda late and feel so fucking tired and out of it and your mom texts you ‘hey when are you getting here. only if you want tho! its okay if you dont, i might not even need you that much today’ so you think oh fuck yes thank god but now shes all ‘you didnt hold up on your promise. i needed you here. youre not reliable’ etc etc and cant seem to understand that if she wouldve TOLD ME. that i wouldve been there. like am i wrong here? like she kept saying how much she has to work and doesnt have a lot of spare energy but its like BRO. TELL ME THEN. or am i wrong to expect that of her? or to be like wth? why am i the bad guy here? idk its just so confusing and makes me insane. ily x

literally i don't know if i'm missing smth here but this sounds like ur mother is on some bullshitttttttttt like. my most charitable interpretation is that she's just a bad communicator (which is not ur fault) and my least charitable interpretation is that she's making you feel bad on purpose even though she was the one who said it was entirely up to you whether you go over there or not. i truly don't understand and i don't think you're the "bad guy" here at all. she didn't say she absolutely needed you, in fact she left it very open-ended and basically said it was up to you........i don't get it and i think you're just fine. i would've read it the same way you did, with the same implications. she's being weird imo and i'm sorry you're having to deal with it. i hope you're okay and i hope with time you're able to process it and feel better about the miscommunication without any guilt on your part. hugs. x

#anon

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale Reviews: ML Season 5 episode 10 Transmission (Kwami’s Choice Part 1)

(Spoilers below)

-Okay so Marinette is hella depressed. I think this is the morning after Elation

-Wow she sounds so done

-Honestly summed up Adrien never started, Luka couldnt have started, and Chat noir shouldnt have started.

-Girl quoted her theme song and dissed herself. Damn

-And before I see posts saying she shouldnt be so focused on her love life... She is 13 f*** off

-Alya’s message was ignored by Marinette because she really in the dumps. And tikki saw the second call from Adrien and was like “Yea... she wouldnt want that call right now”

-EVEN THE VOICE MAIL IS DEPRESSED!

-Well Bustier is really showing the baby bump now

-Nino helping alya wing woman. Now thats cute

-Adrien blames himself specifically chat noir for Marinette feeling bad. And Plagg is like “Yea pretty much”

-Adrien realizing the consequences of his actions

-She took down all the photos of adrien. Not to be that guy, but if the is was about all her failed love life, luka’s photos would be removed to. Just saying

-Adrien really going up there to try and cheer her up. Boy knows what she is going through (and is mainly at fault for it)

-Look this angst is absolutely delicious and I am eating it up...

-How can they not hear the kwami. Plagg literally yelled

-Marinette was about to tell him... but then the trashcan

-I mean... we know he has seen the photos but seeing them in the trash... baby boy no

-Adrien just confessed! Damn! That is an angry yet touching confession. Boy is pissed the girl he loves is hating on herself. Dude... I can relate. (Ah memories of teen angst)

-She turned him down. Ouch.

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-oh look its zoe. After all the angst she is ... certainly a person to see

-Did they seriously throw a party without them even there?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

-Im sorry but no. I do not need to see this right now.

-Wow... Alya your brain cells are like negative right now. You should PROBABLY check before you think a party is a good idea.

-Zoe being the only one with a brain cell right now. The rest of the class I get... they sort of have horde mentality when the plot is involved.

-And Nora be calling. I wonder why

__________________________________________________________________

-And now just rubbing salt in the wounds

-Boy be depressed.

-And now its monarch. Because only when he can exploit his son does he actually care

-Wait... oh he didnt. Well it isnt the first time he didnt do it. He only tries to akumatize adrien when he knows he is chat noir. So I guess not as big of a prick as you could have been Gabe

-Plagg is like “My boy is destroying himself over this. Fu was wrong to do this”

-Plagg suggesting they find new holders for themselves to save them.

_____________________________________________________________________

-Zoe continuing to show that she is the only one with a braincell.

-286 days since adrien came to school?

-Wait a f***ing minute. IT HASNT BEEN A YEAR? ITS ONLY BEEN 9 MONTHS. WHAT THE S*** ASTRUC

-Adrien is depressed and his mom is checking up on him. (I mean Nathalie)

-And now they realize that their party was a dumb idea

-Nathalie sees Gabriel and is already in Mama Bear mode

-Gabriel... what are you planning?

-Did he just come in here to give him an alliance ring?

-Lila heart ache rating? Gabriel... what the s***

-YOU PIECE HUMAN FECAL MATTER! THIS WAS ALL TO GIVE HIM AN ALLIANCE RING AND MAKE HIM A DEADLIER AKUMA. YOU INSUFFERABLE SAKE OF SHIT! I AM GLAD YOU ARE DYING AND I HOPE EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE EXISTS AS PURE AGONY FROM THE CATACLYSM.

-The Kwami! The kwami took back the miraculous. I mean i knew they would cause spoilers but... damn. This hurt more than expected

-That mother f***er. YOU WOULD AKUMATIZE YOUR OWN SON!?

-Adrien realizes he has a chance now. Boy is going to try! And it ruined his father’s plans

-But now Marinette and Adrien arent feeling the crushing burden of their hero lives.

-Like I feel like they would still be depressed for a bit longer... But that is just me

-Guy is wearing 5 rings at once? Like why that many?

-He realized he forgot to give her the homework. And sees she is in better spirits. A good sign

-She cant say it. She is trying to say she loves him. But she struggling. I think it might be a mental block or something at this point

-The parents went to go check and they both realized what was happening and Immediately went back down. Now if it were me. That door stays open. I dont care if the boy is literal sunshine. No closed doors when boys are over. But enough about parenting. Back to the adorablw

-Okay the hand thing was cute. Also... was the music for this show ALWAYS this on point?

-THEY CANON! THEY KNOW! BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE!!!!

-Party turned back into a strategy meeting

-Wait.... Is his name Boubi. What did Nora do?

-OMG THATS HILARIOUS!

-Tikki and Plagg shopping for holders

-DAMN IT! NOW WE WILL NEVER GET CAT NINO! I HATE THIS

-Okay while I am not crazy about Nino getting shafted. I do find it funny that Plagg sees a blond yell at people and is like “Yep, thats my next holder”

-HE JUST THREW THE RING AT HER!

-look at him!

-At least Tikki talked to alya first.

-Though in hindsight, Tikki is being  dumb. Marinette Knows that Alya was Scarabella. So she would know Alya was Ladybug. Would that be smart?

-Okay Alya, i will forgive your stupidity earlier in the episode

-Wait... is he giant now?!

-So he has rocket fists

-Okay so... yea I am still not sold on Cat!Zou’s look. I hate the lips stick. And How come SHE can have yellow eyes but Ladynoir couldnt have blue?

-Man, Imagine getting to be new heroes and your first bad guy has 5 miraculous powers plus his own giant size and rocket fists

-Wait... Did he resist CATACLYSM?! OHHHHH... He got the bull miraculous too

-Now he can multipy!

-Im confused... whats the plan?

-Ah yes, the firemen are the real heroes

-OH I GET IT. MAKE HIM BLIND SO HE BRINGS THE SHIELD DOWN. Clever

-Well played

-Wait... why does this guy look like a mix of Blingbling boy and Mr.T?

-Adrien and Marinette had a cute moment

-Oh no... Zoe and Alya had their Alliances on them. Well s***

______________________________________________________________________

so for part one.

I will say I enjoyed every scene involving Marinette and Adrien in it. It was precious and now they canon!.

Outside of that it was... well mid.

Gabriel proved he deserves death

Alya’s mental capacity was questioned.

Zoe’s personality seems to be Only braincell in existence

And the cliff hanger was kind of expected but not in a bad way.

That being said

6.5/10

More pros then cons but it is probably the episode I had the least enjoyment of outside of the Adrinette

#gale reviews #ml spoilers #ml transmission #ml transmission spoilers #adrinette #AHHHHHHHH

[cogbreath]

not a vent but it is a ramble of personal things but

im seriously so so like... shocked idk. i didnt expect this to happen. it seems like its really gonna happen. but im nervous. theres been times before where it was like. my mom was talking about how he might not be allowed 2 live here anymore and i was so hyped but then nothing came of it. i cant have that happen again. im 21 years old man. and i dont have a life because of the shit living arrangements we have going on bc of him. if hes really fed up and leaving this is gonnabe so fucking huge.......... like i said before i want his room so i can expand my waifu shrines 😈 ... lol. im being lighthearted. i seriously had 0 hope for a while. and idk. i once had a serious breakdown in front of my mom wherre i admitted that i felt like i was genuinely gonna end up killing him. and tbh i thought that there was a chance that ended up being the only way out. im really happy if this is true and im getting an actual happy ending for once. ive been. wanting this so desperately since i was a kid guys. seriously. i hate that man so much. hes a disgusting abusive asshole with 0 compassion + he m*lested me. hes got mad health problems that my mom manages for him and i wonder if shes worried about how he'll do on his own with that. personallly i dont care. i dont care. i want him out. i dont want my mama being his caregiver nomore. cruel cruel man. for all my life ive watched that man degrade her ans berate her and expect her to serve him afterwards ..... ive had to deal with overhearing him harassing her for never having sex with him.. which is something that was always extra painful for me because of my own sexual trauma.... theres honna be a lot of scary changes like my mom says i have to get a job again. im really not not good at working due to my disabilities. but i could hold a job for a year before i ended up losing it. it was very trauamtic. i dont want to work again. but i will be freed from the familial agony. its a lot guys. seriously. ive been so so so isolated and disconnected from eberything and everyone because of it for all my life. ive never been able to truly be a person because of it. it became my job to help my mother emotionally and mentally to degrees that no child really should havr to because she had no one else. i dont fault or resent her at all for that and im happy to defend her and help her and listen to her. its a lot though and especially when i was younger. also

ill probably do drugs less often because i wont be trying to drown out another fight theyre having.

im nervous because im a a psychotic autistic agoraphobic and i will have to be going outside now. but. i will be going outside now... which means having a life. my mom will be with me still. i will still live with her and probably will most my life because of my circumstances. but i love her. im okay with having to maybe do some scary things because of that. dude. theres a convention near me soon that i was hoping to go to. i kinda just had it as a pipe dream though. because basiclaly i have no ability or opportunities to leave the house. but now i will. im really hopping that this is rwal and i'll be able to go... its my goal. i want to make a misty monsoon cosplay. i really do. im crying rn bexause im just so excited to get a chance at things. trust me thougu im still gonna be a asocial shutin first and foremost. dont worry guys i wont be abandoning you. im a dedicated poster. but you know. im gonna be posting under better circumstances inshallah.

also this is a lot for me spiritually. my dad is heavily islamophobic and ive not been able to safely be open because of him. ive prayed and prayed a lot to allah to help make things to where i can finally do that. i really really feel like allah has given me a great gift here im so happy allahu akbar

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

so, lance and veronica like kuron- i think thats very fucking cool for multiple reasons- but does that extend to other members of their family? i think it would be funny if they just decided to adopt this weird fucked up guy into the family<3 though knowing your au, i have a feeling things arent that simple in this situation....

Honestly that is a good question, cause i didnt even factor in Lance's other family members. My instinct is, "obviously yeah Lance's family love strays, they'll see Kuron's pathetic little meow meow ass and bring out the adoption papers." However given the entire family is already a bit fucked up right now, i dont think that would happen immediately and also i have like 3 options.

1.Veronica doesnt say shit and is a lying liar who lies- pretty much everyone here is bad at communication and to be fair this is like a very weird ass situation to even process let alone explain, so when Veronica gets a call from her mom, she thinks back to when Lance was missing and everyone was having a really hard time and than the Galra came and then they were having even more bad time and Lance comes back and war ends and i think Lance and atleast his parents move to Altea¹ and while she wasnt around much things were fine? She guesses? And then Lance runs away and they were all having a bad time again and Christ alive Lance their parents are in their 60's their hearts cant take this anymore.

Anyway Vero remembers all this and she hears her mom asking if she found anything on Lance and she goes, "yyyuuupp in fact i actually found Lance! He's umm.....he's sleeping right now! Yup! He's definately fine! That is right! He just needs a little space and was uhhhh.....helping out a friend, he will definately call you if- When he wakes up!!! I will tell him to call you back, we are going to have a long chat anyway! Dont worry mom! He's ok :)!!!"

She'll definately tell them!! Eventually! The time is just isnt right yet!! The fact she is ready to full on "Weekend at Bernie's" this shit doesnt mean anything!! She'll figure it all out and then Lance will wake up and she'll fucking kick his ass for doing this and everything will go back to being normal!!! This will not come back to bite her in the ass and her family is Not getting Suspicious at all!!!

In this scenario Lance's family never meet or even know about Kuron. In case they do eventually find out he'll kind of go overlooked cause 1) they just found out Lance is in a coma. 2) they just found out Lance has been in a coma for a long time. 3) they just found out that Veronica knew and she lied to them! 4) they just found out that Lance is uhhhh not doing Great. Supernaturally. Kind of makes it hard to pay attention to other major elephants in the room. (This could be where Kuron can stand up for Veronica and be like "look none of you are ok! Veronica isnt ok! Lance certainly wasnt ok! And things are not ok and they have changed irreversibly and all of you are hurt! And you know what that is ok! But we all have to acknowledge that hurt!" And something else super cheezy along the lines.)

2. Veronica tells her family only like half truth- in this Vero still trying to process the situation kinda just tells her family that Lance is in a coma but not about Kuron or magical shit. So to the family Kuron is Lance and Vero's weird friend who is really all over the place but ultimately a good friend who is just trying to help and be supportive and is kind young man with good head on his shoulders 😊 (they do think he should stop with his self destructive habits like they arent going to judge but smoking isnt good for you :/). The option where Kuron is adopted the fastest. Meanwhile Kuron is kind of being crushed by guilt. Like logically he understands that Lance's condition isnt his (Kuron's) fault, but at the end Lance did drop into coma to bring him back so he does feel a bit responsible. So it's just Kuron screaming internally.

Obviously the family isnt doing great at all. But i also feel like few of them (maybe few of the siblings) saw something like this coming. It's either because Lance was very clearly not ok before he ran away and also they have gotten just so used to this bullshit that they are just numbed to it. It doesnt make it any better but man just tough times for area family.

3. Veronica tells everything- Basically Vero and Kuron tells her family everything they know. Naturally family has mixed reaction towards it. Atleast few members arent surprised that Lance went and did this for a friend. One of them is really heartbroken and angry and most definately lashed out on Kuron and i think Kuron lashes back. There are those who are a bit uncomfortable but more because they really do not get the situation cause like what do you even do? Atleast one of them is also angry at Lance for repeatedly running off and pulling this stunt and doesnt he know what everyone is going through because of him? Just all around fucking mess everyone. It's tearing the family apart.

¹ Yeah i think Lance and his mom did move to Altea. I did actually watch the last ep just skipped to it and in the ending credits he seemed to be in Altea cause of fucking course he is. It's not like he spent the whole fucking show missing Earth or the fact that him being a normal human of Earth was a fundamental part of his narrative, nooooooo he is A-ok with moving to Altea and not even to help in rebuilding the universe but to be a fucking farmer and "tell Allura's stories" or some shit, cause yup that's all his character is! And i am Definately Fine with This! Yup! Definately! Now if you'll excuse me i am going to walk into the ocean

#I think my favourite is the first one #Cause 1)it gives Veronica flaws and nuanced 2) parallels or something 3) objectively the funniest #Not to mention with the first one i dont have to deal with too many characters! Cause there are too many characters! #Too many side ones i know nothing about!!! With this i'll only have to focus on Lance's mom #(Maybe i'll even kill the dad or grandma. The final stone on the already cracking glass palace. Just a thought) #(Also sorry about the salt really i am) #Anyway all these options will end with Kuron getting lowkey to highkey adopted by Lance's family. Trust me #I think i will revisit this once i get better ideas #Anyway #thank you for asking!!!! #empty answers #post s8 au

[winderlylandchime]

2/2 ‘I will pay him to shut up. I’m broke as a fucking joke but bro i am willing to work my tushy on every corner to make him shut up. Pretentious fucker. I’m so happy Brian isn’t this cringey. *mocks ethan* alone jerking off. Oh fuck off. HE WAS IMAGINING HIM KISSING HIM. I WILL LITERALLY VOMIT RIGHT THIS SECOND, this is gonna sound weird but Bri looks better when he gets head. This guy makes funky faces. (THE KNOCK JUST HAPPENED) imagine if its brian!!!!! He needs help with more posters or some shit! OH MY GOD ROSES! OH ETHAN LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SAW HIS OWN LIFE FLASH BEFORE HIS EYES….spoiler alert it was a very boring one. HIS MUUUUSE? OH ETHAN IS SCARED- OH FUCKS SAKE BEN! WHY DO YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!’ *Mikey is now being dramatic with a needle* ‘Mikey whatcha doing? Dude, why cant you just be dramatic over boyfriends the same way everyone else is? Dye your hair red and get a buzzcut! FINALLY BEN! Now go back to boring and call it a day’ And we are back to Justin ‘ow ow Justin that has to hurt. TELL HIM! YES HE IS A LIAR! OH YOU MISSED HIM? FOR A DAY?! OH ITS JUSTINS FAULT AGAIN LIKE USUALLY?! (Ethan says thee line) OH YOU KEEP YOUR BRIANS NAME OUT OF YOU CHEATIN MOUTH! EXACTLY YOU NEVER FORGAVE HIM BC HE DIDNT DO SHIT WRONG! HE WAS HONEST FROM DAY ONE! YES LEAVE! SHOVE THAT RING UP YOUR ASS. Oh i have a few ideas what you could do without Justin. *does middle fingers at Ethan* HAHAHA FUCK YOU MARACAS BOY! JUSTIN FINALLY SAW THE LIGHT! *pauses tv* you know what we need now? Brian and Justin to bump into each other and for him to see Justin’s bleeding hand. Yup. I could do this shit for a living!’ He is literally smiling so big and he rewinded the scene like 2 times. Each time he smiled more and more while also laughing at Ethan. *raises his soda in the air* ‘lets all have a toast to Ben’s failed attempt at trying to be less boring. Glad you saw the light, big guy.’ ‘NOW HOW DID BRIAN KNOW HE DIDNT SLEEP AT HO-oh his clothes are the same. BRI YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SO HAPPY! GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? THEY BROKE UP! (Ted just thanked Brian) dude, stop acting like you dont care for your friends. I get that its part of your schtick but dude come on. you most certainly did it for Teddy! THERES POTENTIAL IN THIS BROMANCE!’ ‘Oh fuck you Justin, you were buddies with him last episode but now youre saying he’s acting like total shit, i mean okay true BUT COME ON. And Debbie, maybe you could understand it if you, oh I don’t know, stopped blaming him all the time and being rude to him one second and the next you love him! Im still mad at you acting like you dont know that he loves Justin!’ Melanie just said she’s pregnant ‘oh no. Oh no. This is gonna be the worst thing since…quick name something bad. Mike is gonna be a dad. Oh that’s…i dont wanna say bad but i am coming up short on any other word’ ‘BRIAN! (Btw every time he says that when he comes on tv he literally points to the tv like he’s shocked he’s in the show..imagine that one Leo Dicaprio gif) HEY! brian is a good dad! *looks at me in wonder* Do you think backrooms are still a thing? Are they even legal? OH MY GOD ITS BLONDIE! JUSTIN!! HES IN THE BACKROOM! HES IN THE CLUB! FINALLY!! I hated how he acted that he was too good for it. AND LOOK HOW FAST BRI BRI SAW HIM! of course you are gonna fuck next to hi- OH JUSTIN SAW HIM *starts hitting me all excited* THEY ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER! THEY ARE FUCKING AND LOOKING AT EACH OTHER!!! DID YOU SEE THAT SMIRK? OH JUSTIN ISNT EVEN TRYING TO LOOK AWAY! *stands up and starts showing his shirt* TEAM FUCKING BRIAN! I KNOW THATS RIGHT! *screams literally on top of his lungs* I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE?! OH THEY ARE SICK FOR THAT!’ He is now staring at the tv with his hands in his hair smiling while credits roll..’oh i gotta call mom! I gotta tell her! This is big news, shit i gotta call (friends name)! I gotta tell him all about this! I knew this shirt would work, you all thought i was crazy but it worked!’ And now he is giving mom the full run down. She is stuck with him on the phone bc she ignored his calls so he guilt tripped her

Your brother's reaction to THEE SCENE is everything. It is perfect. 10/10 would read that a million times over, no notes. (Or, this being tumblr, 1k notes post)

Brian and Justin to bump into each other and for him to see Justin’s bleeding hand. <- WHY WERE WE ROBBED OF THIS

THEY ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER! THEY ARE FUCKING AND LOOKING AT EACH OTHER!!! DID YOU SEE THAT SMIRK? OH JUSTIN ISNT EVEN TRYING TO LOOK AWAY! *stands up and starts showing his shirt* TEAM FUCKING BRIAN! I KNOW THATS RIGHT! *screams literally on top of his lungs* I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE?! OH THEY ARE SICK FOR THAT!’

That is all of us right now.

I LOVE that your brother immediately wanted to tell everyone. No one cares but he still wants to share the good news.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

[tears-of-boredom]

i have a headache. and I hate my life. i dont know if its because of the meeting with the adult or because i feel like I fucked up my disco ely run. sorry for the spoilers but i fucking got him shot. he didnt trust me enough. oh my fucking god. im probably genuinely going to start all over again. i cant continue the run with that weighing on me. ill at least load a couple saves back. do the whole ruby thing later. or maybe i just feel shitty because i have a headache. and maybe i have a headache cause ive been staring at my computer screen the whole day...I wish the days were longer. i wish i could sleep and not have to face a new day. why cant the time just stop with me. why does it have to run on without me. i fucking hate adults. they speak as if theyre so nice and try to help, all while implying with every sentence that all of this is my fault. like sorry but this started early enough that the only thing that can be blamed is what raised me. and that is my mom assuring me that i can come to her for help, even though she's lying and is never truly able to help me. vacations spent at my father's, who never uttered a word beyond "shut the lights when you go to sleep" and openly smoked infront of the unlit fireplace, where the ventilation duct was. grandparents who got angry randomly, who you learned to tiptoe around, grandparents who started a screaming match with a 6 year old if she didnt want to go skiing in the winter, if she didn't want to go swimming in the summer, grandparents who walked back on their promises constantly, and got angry with you when you called them out, or tried to play it off as a joke, made you feel like an asshole if you continued to confront them about it. aunts that would scream at their own kids out of nowhere. cousins that either constantly cursed you out, or put you on such a high pedestal that you felt like you were constantly lying to them by just existing. a brother who was the only one out of us to be spared from the fate of growing up prematurely, who I blamed for all the screaming matches he and my mother got into. that one kindergarten teacher that called me patient, for just waiting for her to come back. the friend who made fun of me for not knowing things about gymnastics. a classmate whose mood could turn sour at any moment. a teacher who seemed to hate his job.

i feel like at the very least im owed being allowed to be this fucked up. allowed to be doing shit at school. allowed to hate every adult i am forced to talk to. allowed to not have any hobbies. allowed to fucking choose who i want to spend time with. allowed to learn to fucking say no without feeling guilt. allowed to be stuck in the past. allowed to stay in my room for days, not letting anyone in. allowed some fucking respect even if I refuse to talk.

#venting

[insomiavent]

Hello insomnia

Hello insomnia

And hello people reading

Im not really expecting much attention on this but it would be cool if it did i just wanted to have a place to vent anonymously on a platform in sorta used to. 

To be honest im surprised that tumbler has lived for so long but then again people are sucker for this kinda stuff i guess 

As of writing this its 2 days before i become a sophomore in high school, I want to buy a pink vest because my sister wont let me barrow her’s despite never wearing it. Im currently listing to Achilles come down by gang of youth from the album go farther in lightness. My boyfriend isn’t responding to any of calls or texts so i out on a timer to see how long it will take for him to respond my girlfriend is sound asleep. I am polyamors and i am gender fluid so use any pronouns. 

Im the middle child of three i have a older sister who’s judgmental and a bitch she didn’t used to this way she graduated from high school but wasn’t able to because of a bitchy teacher being to slow to grade things shes a picky eater and always has to have a say in what ever i do shes gonna be a horrible roommate cuz she cant even keep up with simple chores and has to be reminded to throw away razors after collecting rust over 3 times back to back. Is this really the person i should be looking up to? I don’t know i don’t want to shes load and obnoxious and is bitchy if you wake her up a little to early. She has a job but cant even fucking drive so my ma has to drive her i kinda hate her right now we got McDonalds today and i told her that i was gonna finish her drink cuz i didnt get one and she made it appernt that she heard but later was surprised that i actually did and got bitchy about it saying that she expected me to leave some and later said “Thats why i dont get you stuff” like excuse me? Ma paid for this shit and last i checked you cant fucking drive so shut the fuck up 

I have a little sister shes 8 months old and is a cutie but is very much a druma queen shes gonna be a child of god aka she is going to get baptized i love her im nervous if she does end up looking up to me but my boyfriend says not to worry cuz “The world needs more people like you” so ill try and not to worry 

My mother 

i have mixed feeling about her shes doing her best 

thats what i can mostly say 

She was a teen mom 

14 she had my sister 16 she had me its very obvious that me and my sister were mistakes and thanks to that i have lots of issues but its not her fault she has gotten better threw the years ans is loving but can get annoyed shes overwhelmed with the birth of the baby so im trying my best to help her around the house and she knows im gay and dosent really care but asks me to keep from her husband 

so lets talk about him i have a history with grooming and well sexual assault i spoke out about it around the 6th grade but nothing much happened because the man who did it was my mothers boyfriend he had let himself into the bathroom during my showers and touched me and made me do things i didn't want to do like touch him and i had known him for most of my life because my bio father had been deported so yea back to the boyfriend he gaslighted me into thinking it was a misunderstanding so nothing happened that being said they broke up because of his lack of free time this lead me to go into a depressive state and i almost overdosed 

Now to the husband 

hes creepy sometimes 

like just the way he acts the other day i was laughing cix of my girlfriend and he started just being weird he patted my head  and like jabbed his hand into the back of my neck it was creepy and like he walks around shirtless 

this is making me uncomfy so imma stop 

im currently listing to i wanna be yours by artic monkeys from the album am 

thanks for reading this and giving a stanger some time have a good day or good night 

with love 

insonia 

#trauma vent #vent post #insomia #its 3:30 am #tw assult #tw sex assault #tw sewerslide

[cummingforkylo]

Hey man why are you being so mean to yourself saying things like "shut the fuck up" when you're talking about extremely traumatic things. Like bro you immediately apologize for your mom and excuse her over and over and over for treating you like absolute dog shit.

I'm sorry I literally don't give a fuck what her problem was at the time, she BRUTALLY, and I mean **BRUTALLY** abused you. None of that is okay. It's really interesting to me that you make sure the person reading that post knows your mom is like, totally okay now. Who, exactly, are you trying to convince? Us? Or yourself?

Additionally, have you ever gotten therapy? Like. You are blaming yourself, telling yourself how stupid you are, how you can't do xyz, telling yourself shut the fuck up... Bro you're literally suffering from trauma. I'd bet my life savings you have PTSD, if you haven't already been diagnosed. The fact that you couch this extremely horrific tale in "is it abuse?" makes me believe you've never talked about it been validated by this experience ever in your life, or if you have, it's not been often.

(I'd be willing to bet, also, that you're not actually bad at math. I bet, in fact, you're perfectly capable of it. But all of those circumstances surrounding math make it difficult for your brain to parse those signals. It has nothing to do with your capabilities.)

If you haven't talked to someone like a trauma therapist, I'd seriously consider it. A lot of people go through a lot of their lives thinking they have persistent depression and severe anxiety which like, sure, but the root is trauma. Might help to get that looked at.

I'm so sorry you went through those things as a child. It wasn't your fault, and you deserve love and compassion now, especially from yourself.

I’ve gone to therapy and talked about my mom some but i think a lot of it I didnt talk about specifically because i found myself like…constantly defending her to my therapist instead of just talking and it’s probably not because i want to excuse what she did. After years of blaming myself(even more than I already do?) i finally in the last like five years have been able to admit that it was her being abusive and not me being a difficult child. It took my brothers looking at me once and being like, “no, there was a period of our childhood that was straight up…bad.” for me to even recognize that all these times in my memory werent just like…me being a bratty kid and my mom dealing with me. And I think why whenever i talk about that stuff i have to like convince people she’s good now is because i’ve watched her change and i love her and have forgiven her for some of that stuff because i want to have a good relationship with her, and I do. But unfortunately in forgiving her i havent done nearly enough work to heal any of my shit about it.

I’m also constantly scared that even though what I talk about are literally just the memories I have that I have somehow exaggerated everything in my mind and i’m just bullshitting this. Like I KNOW these things happened, i have literal memories of it but even as I write them out I feel like I MUST be exaggerating because i’ve never talked specifics with my brothers and neither of them had it as bad as me.

I wouldnt be surprised if I have PTSD but i’ve never talked to a trauma therapist. My last therapist ghosted me so i’ve been very apprehensive to actually find someone again but you’re probably right. Talking to someone would probably help a lot of things.

It’s difficult, all of it, because I hate what happened to me and I’m upset about how challenging it has made some of this stuff in my life but I don’t hate her and I wouldnt want anyone to think less of her? Even if she deserves it in a lot of way. I dont know.

I reaally appreciate your message. It means a lot to reach out and offer real advice and such thoughtful words. I wish I was on here more so it didnt seem like I come to drop depression bombs and then just dip. It’s not what I intended this silly blog for.

💕

[borderline-gays-club]

03/07/24. 11:18pm

I had a rough week. A lot of lows and life testing me lol. Just been feeling depressed abt wasting my life at my stupid job and not being able to get anything that’s not customer service related. I haven’t even gotten responses from restaurants: the industry that I have 6 years of experience in…

And I’ve just been applying nonstop to any job that isn’t gonna make me want to die for the past like 3 months. And writing cover letters and constantly looking at jobs that I barely don’t qualify for and the job market in general just being a hellhole. And now that I’m getting a crumb of interviews, just wasting my time going to these things hoping I get hired. It’s just all depressing and it’s been finally hitting me.

And of course bc of all this my money problems are exacerbated and it’s just constant anxiety abt money. And etc etc

I finally mustered up some hope in me like 2 days ago too and just got physically exhausted from my job. Then the next morning I had my whole day planned to keep my hope alive and just got crushed again. I waited 5 hrs outside for a check I didnt even end up getting that day. And it was raining and I was wet and cold and hungry lol. Had to ask my mom for help who has already been helping me a lot with money and I’m very privileged to have her as a safety net but she’s been talking abt being tight on money now so I just hate asking for extra help. I just wail cried for like 10 minutes and asked my friends to help me with dinner prep. I’m learning to ask for help slowly when I’m not okay instead of either isolating or pretending like I’m ok and holding it in. I’m still learning the balance of how much of my feelings to show/express in front of others. Mostly bc in the past my feelings wud just b too extreme and take up too much space.

But today was better. I got my check, was able to pay the rest of my rent, was able to eat something yummy and feel full, got a few art supplies to start a small project I’ve been thinking abt the past few days. I was gonna work on stuff but I’ve been learning how to slow down. Bc pushing myself too hard all at once just ends up in huge breakdowns and burnouts. It’s not worth it at all. So I just chilled and petted my kitty and was present with her. Didn’t feel guilty abt not being “productive”. I really needed some emotional, and mental and physical rest. It’s just been a lot.

And I’m mostly writing all this down bc I need to remember these moments where I can see myself making small improvements in hard habits. Like slowing down esp when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being present in my existence. And asking for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed and not okay instead of isolating or faking I’m fine.

And then just now, something happened that I wanted to jot down. So I made dinner for everyone and it didn’t turn out right. My friend who, long story short, cannot eat food if the texture/taste is icky to them and it emotionally affects them negatively to eat food that is wrong, ate a little bit and couldn’t eat. Also them not eating sets them up for a difficult next day, and bc of other things they didn’t eat much today. So I felt really shit that I made the food inedible for them and just went silent for like 10 min. And of course they noticed and asked and I told them I just felt bad cus they cudnt eat.

And we watched Naruto and just chilled and I felt my spiral dissipate. Just expressing it out loud slowed down my spiral. Cus in the moment I was just getting intrusive thoughts like “you’re a failure, youre a terrible friend, you can’t even do simple things right, you’re so miserable, you should punish yourself by not eating, it’s all your fault that you ruined their whole day for tomorrow, they’re going to suffer bc of u etc etc”. And then I was like I can either isolate (which felt like the “better” more familiar option) and continue to spiral into self hating gunk OR stay present and just say the feeling out loud and see where it goes from there.

Although I wanted to do the first thing (isolate), I said no. Bc I knew I wud just sulk and be upset and it wud just turn into a whole existential deep hatred for myself especially with how the week went. So I sat and processed what to do. My friend asked if I was ok. I said it simply that I felt bad cus they cudnt eat. We continued watching the show and the spiral dissipated as I engaged with my friends again and got out of my head and present with the moment and the show.

And then there was a moment after the show was done and I said sorry for getting moody, and explained the whole thought process above.

And I didn’t say this out loud cus I didn’t want to take up too much time deep diving esp cus it was getting late and my friend was just low from not eating well today, but another thing to note is I know where this extreme splitting of myself is coming from.

This is also very specific to my best friend who I am talking abt. We had a rough past, bc of me and essentially my unchecked/undiagnosed BPD. There was a point where they basically said if I don’t change the relationship can’t continue. And I’m still grappling with the guilt of the pain I put them through. And I know it’ll take time. But this is why when I make a mistake or don’t do something exactly as I planned when it’s something including my friend I spiral into this guilt self hatred shit. But I will say I’ve gotten better over time.

I remember before I literally bawled bc I offered them a cinnamon roll I made and they politely said no thank you. And I just immediately spiraled like: oh god they think the food I made is disgusting so therefore I’m disgusting and horrible and vile and they’re going to leave me and they secretly hate me and etc etc. and thinking abt this now I’m like…god damn. It was really that intense for me!!! And now I wud just not react that way at all. And I later told my friend this whole thing and they were like oh I just literally brushed my teeth and just didn’t want that specific food item in that moment anyway. Lol it was just such a non situation and I blew it up in my head.

And like I definitely still do this and struggle but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. And in regards to the situation that happened tonight, instead of catastrophizing and being like oh god now tomorrow will be all bad and my friend is going to starve!! I slowed down and was like well, what are possible solutions? They can’t get food in the morning bc it’s too early, I can’t make them food early in the morning bc they expressed they need something high dopamine to b able to eat after a bad texture food (can’t b the usual breakfasts I make), they can’t eat something near their job bc there’s not much nearby and their break is short, BUT I can try to order them food near their job during their break. So we figured that out together and hopefully It will work out. And even if it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world. It will just suck, but it’s a situation that can be recovered. And ppl make mistakes, and the mistake i made is just something that can happen sometimes. And there are solutions to these problems.

I need to practice more self compassion bc self hate doesn’t even benefit the situation nor the relationship. If anything it makes everything worse.

So yeah. I wanted to write this all out so I can look back and really see the progress I’ve been making and im proud of myself for that. Bc esp when spirals and bad days and weeks and sometimes months happen, I can remind myself that I am getting better slowly instead of just thinking everything is the same. Bc it can b hard to think I’m getting better when I still go thru intense emotional waves.

I just need to continue to push forward and slow down at the same time :)

#actually bpd #bgc #bpd #bpd thoughts #quiet borderline #actually borderline #bpd shit

[monnieriot]

Helter Skelter I’m not 37 yet I’m only 34

But I’ll be mentally 16 for the rest of my existence

And I wish no one dies anymore

And every time a person is born trees grow on the earth

And I wish everyone who ate an apple threw apples into the woods to help Mother Nature

I don’t wanna know the naughty mother fucker that steals peoples away

I pray my mom gets her dad back

I pray I get my nanny back

I see her in everyone else’s grandmas

I pray my parents and your parents live forever and no one walks away from each other

I pray accidents stop happening

I pray everything is happy

I pray no one gets stomach aches

I pray everything is good and handled with care

I pray I never die

I pray my mom never dies

I pray that people live forever

I pray that if people get sick of their day jobs that they get better

I pray that people that feel guilty don’t die from the feeling

I pray that all the sinners are released from hell

I pray that all the angels are Good

I pray that this zit gets off my neck

I pray that peace will be good

I pray that I am forgiven for stealing whatever I think I shouldn’t of if I was in the wrong for anything I pray that I am forgiven

I pray that I stop being suicidal

I pray no one has to try to die

I pray the peace is in life

I pray that no one has to throw away their body

I pray that if you are aborted you’re in peace in your world living life the way you were made to live life and you grew up fast and took care of yourself

I pray that you’re all decent people even if they bother you

I pray that no one fucks with anyones heart

I pray the bitch that touched my neck just fucking went away

I pray that fucking ungrateful people fuck off

I pray that she fucking leaves me the fuck alone

I pray we’re all protected

I pray I forget about the people that tried to hurt me

I pray everyone regains their youth

I pray I don’t have to repeat evil ass shit

God is someone gonna kill me?!

No they’ll try to hurt your feelings cause they don’t live like you but that’s literally all they’ll try to do

God will I die ever?

No my child youre are prayed for even your grandpa prays from you

Do I ever have to lay anyone is a casket?

No pray death away every day and it will no away

Ok

Dear Lord please take death away and let no one die ever

Amen

AMEN

Lord I’m a thief

lol monnie you’re definitely not you’re really right on a lot of shit babe

You know why the system was faulty?! Because the game didn’t come with the game in the box and with you getting all excited hooking it up to your tv and without the game with the game in the actual box itself you do not know if it’s a faulty system cause the way they had advertised it non the less the game didnt come with the game in the fucking box the whole thing is shit and if you unplug it and literally ship it back without the game or whatever shit will be fucked… you talked to multiple people that night about the system and they wanted to handle you with care because you were freaking out your whole damn toy you bought that you earned didn’t come with the game with the game in the box and as a customer you were terrified because you don’t know what was linked to your system itself it was a really big argument!! And you would of won the argument if you had to go to court on the think cause yes you are risking your life even with the game you wanted with the game in the box you’re literally risking your life… and if you don’t feel the forgiveness on things just understand the system itself made you become a better person messing with something that made you feel at fault!!! And if you wanna go to prison and hell or die or whatever I pray for your safety and even if you feel guilty or whatever it makes you feel like shit so if you don’t want to play on this system you can either trash it or remove it somehow because I’ll tell you man it’s a Christmas gift ok?! It’s just a Christmas gift

So thank you for playing on gaming systems

I’m still sorry 😢

It’s literally ok

But I don’t want to cry over it

You don’t gotta cry if you wanna talk to someone talk to someone about it where you got it

No I just don’t deserve shit

Monnie listen you are deserving you’ve spent so much time in the hole

Have I? Yeah

I’m sorry I just wanna be alone

Monnie you’re alone in the world but not alone and you’re forgiving

No I’m unfortunately unable to forgive myself

Why?! Why you pound shit on you for having something

Because I don’t deserve anything

Why baby girl?! Why!!!

Because I don’t want anyone to die

Baby girl you’re that upset?!

Oh I’m so upset

What would you do if we were scared to lose you and you went to bad boy hell?!

Idk I’m sorry 😢

Everyone knows you’re sorry but you don’t gotta be so sorry you just die you know Satan would kill PlayStation you know? Cause you didn’t have your cake and eat it too Satan literally has a restraining order on you

Why?

Because you just a holy grail

How the hell am I a only grail

Cause you’re like dating a Friday afternoon that you just up and walked outta a building

How the fuck am I that? Idk girl

wtf the are you good?

Nah

What you mean nah

Idk man

Baby lol you don’t make money like they do and they don’t even give to no body you’d give all you’re paintings away even if they had nothing you know

How does that make me better tho?!

Because you’re not senseless

Still doesn’t make me feel good

Monnie you’re free ok?

I mean I’m a bad bitch

I mean lol merry Christmas or whatever

Happy birthday?! 🎈

Listen everyone wants you at your party

Is it keeping you outta trouble?

Idk lol 😂 I don’t

Oh dear lord Jesus

Jesus you forgive me?!

What if I said no

lol HAGAHA

Idk

Idk either

Just don’t touch the fucking butt

I just wanna love all the bitches

Bitches love you too

I love my life

I want everyone to have a good life

Monnie you good?

Idk man

You lol threw game stop under the bus people buy from other places and they’re only allowed to buy broken ahaha shit lol and fix it lmao 🤣

Oh no lol

No seriously you ruins them

Did I

Fuck yeah you did lmao

Oh God

Why?

lol Andy loved that store lol

Lmao Andy would be like suck my dick it’ll make you feel better

Lmao would he

Bitch yes he would lmao

Every time you play the thing he’s just fucking cumming

OH LORD

[forestryfae]

also they have like, when youre good enough at cleaninga nd keeping stuff clean and tidy and you have a good enough routine and you dont really need help with it anymore, you might be able to move into one of the apartments they have here at inpatient. and i rly hope im able to get into one soon ngl

problem is tho, i am not that good at keeping things clean and tidy. wish i was but i have to force myself to do it and that rarely starts to happen until it actually gets really really bad. last minute cleaning zoomies kind of fucked up arrangement in my brain i guess??? and on top of thta i completely fell out of my routine in like early november/december when i started having to plan to go home even tho i fucking hate that place. and then i got back an i got no fucking follow up or anything until i hadnt been to work in a month. like yeah maybe thats. maybe thats because i needed antidepressants and i didnt get to talk to a psychologist or anything when i got here cus they dont have one. and i didnt get any followups beyond "go to work" and i had no coping mechanisms or help to find any

like thats the worst part about this place. they take zero accountability for their own fuckups cus "you have to be responsible" like fuck off? do your fucking job so we dont have to be on your asses to get you to do One Single Thing

and they just dont actually undertsand that sometimes people struggle cus they grew up neglected and fucking terrified all the time. i very much would love to be able to not worry 24/7 about being normal enougha nd existing correctly but i am, again, unmedicated, have no therapy, was taught im not allowed to have emotions or im stupid as shit, i was yelled at for the tiniest fucking thing cus both of my parents are fucking insane, and i straight up did not grow up with any kind of like. they didnt teach me shit. showing your kid how to turn on a dishwasher or washingmachine is not the same as teaching your kid shit

mom took over EVERYTHING. i got my first apartment cus she wanted me out of the house so she got me one. i never had a choice in learning to drive cus she just signed me up for drivers lessons without telling me until after shed spent the money. she arranged to meet with a realtor without me and i didnt actually get much say in what house to buy if im being honest. i got to look at them, yeah, but i still needed her permission to buy them and she wouldnt let me look at any she didnt like or didnt think i should live in. shes been in charge of the renovation the whole time without talking to me, and just. bought stuff whenever with my money without consulting me. didnt bring me along for the stuff i did want to look at myself either, they just bought me stuff and that was that. why should i be involved in my own life after all

and thats what im grown up with. insults and yellinga nd screaming and being talked down to and degraded and mocked and bullied, zero fucking support, everything i do is supposed to be automated and they shouldnt have to act like parents at all, i should just know things. no teaching me shit, no actual good follow ups, not being involved in anything revolving myself. school was fucking horrible and i was not in any way helped or protected from that, they let me think it was my own fault i was being bullied and treated me the same fucking way the teachers and bullies did, there was pretty much no sympathy for that and they never fucking talke dto me about that, any mental illnesses are completely free for all to be mocked and ridiculed if they feel like it, and im lazy for being burnt out and crying literally every day for hours, no support, just. absolutely fucking horrible. i grew up with that. thats shit i didnt know wasnt normal. i didnt know none of that is how normal people treat eachother. i still feel like a fucking idiot whenever i set a basic boundary. there are foods i stay away from or hide from others that i eat because i used to get yelled at and shamed for eating them, im fucking scared to discuss stuff i want or want to do or think would be fun to try cus im worried ill be talked out of it or ridiculed, im constantly worried people fucking hate my guts or im about to be treated like dogshit for existing in a way i didnt know was wrong. like. i have to do my own fucking psychology lessons with myself cus i dont get help anywhere and i dont get help thats meaningful from anywhere. im so focused on Doing Things Right that i need to get a good grade in therapy. literally what the fuck

anyways i wish they had better ways to help people than just. do laundry go for a walk go to work socialize.

what if you hate yourself for doing laundry. or not doing it. or youre worried youll do it wrong. what if going for a walk fucking sucks because youre not supposed to have fun unless you have a good reason to do so, or youre scared youre not allowed to exist in the outside world and youll get yelled at for going for a walk, or you think people will be able to tell you dont know where youre going so theyll think youre a fuckking idiot. what if you cant socialize because you dont actually know how and noone ever taught you or treated you like you were important so you never learned. like. this is the kind of shit i still need help with. going to work is only gonna help so much. i still need help with the rest of. existing as a normal person.

but yeah anyways i think its dumb that they have in total 11 rooms with a bathroom, 1 room with a bathroom and kitchen, 2 small apartments, one cottage, two houses, and another large apartment. but we cant use the houses or the apartment because one house isnt technically liveable somehow?? under renovation ig? the other house had a pipe burst so now when you do laundry tehre your clothes smell like sewage afterwards, and the third apartment is being used by students like twice a year so noone can use it. its fucking dumb. give me the apartment for students. ill live with the students. i dont care. i just wanna make dinner on my own.

#talkies

[justcallmesakira]

tw: a quick vent cs i am fucking tired :3, lots of disturbing topics

Honesty i dont understand why i am breathing rn :D

Like maybe it was better if i hadent been born? i wish they aborted me honestly because no one would even care if i would dissapear for a day

Yeah no one! :D why? because i make myself so free to others that they only see me as the girl who helps everyone blah blah. If anything i sometimes wonder if i even have friends! Because i have to be the one coming up to them ALWAYS! just to converse so they dont gather in groups and talk shit abt me! hehe

Infact i dont know how many days i have left till i go jumping off a building! i am on my bedroom cold floor rn crying sobbing and whatever synonyms of weeping there is while typing this bcs i dont have the energy to write in my journal because my parents demotivated me so much by making my personal hobbies into studying and all i have 0 motivation to even breathe haha

I even choked on my water because of so much crying hahahah silly me

You know when i say i am fine/? I am not actually I have been sneaking to bathrooms to silently cry an overthing and have been overworking myself, starving myself and barely having any sleep!

I am far away from fine but will i lie so no one suspects me? Yup!

But maybe its my fault

Maybe my parents deserved a better daughter

Not someonen like me who cant even get a good diploma

Its definetly my fault that i am useless maybe if i worked a bit harder all these years i would have been someone better?

I really cant anymore like what do i ned to do to finally be accepted? I am good at nothing really i barely draw nowadays because my mom takes away my art supplies which i bought with my own money for months because ofmy exams so during that time i dont really have the energy to draw

I told myself i would journal everyday but after my mom told how ugly and shit my writing is and that i should stop writing abt my health and day and write about actual study type stuff

But ig its fr my own good,,journaling used to help me alot but now my fingers feel too numb :)

She even read my writing...I am happy she didnt read the part where i talk about how i am was continuosly banging my head against my kneecap because the concrete on my wall was too painfull and that i am starving myself to become skinnier nowadays and i cant hav great amount of sleep too

Hehe i guess i kindaof perform s/a

I want to write more things boggling in my mind because i ant stop crying, tears are continuoing to spill on my screen and i am trying my best not scream because if my mom hears it she will be mad

I dont want my mom to be mad it hurts me really tho she hurts me a bit more...still

Err anyways maybe i am being drmatic? idk i dont care anymore because i have been having a bit too much of suicidal thoughts

hehe:3

#sakira! #vent #I am tired #a bit too much... #I dont like how my parents sold me #it hurts me alot

[ventingbaybe]

1/16/24

I did end up moving out after that last post, two or so years ago.

Im on my second year break from school, the whole point of the gap year was to save money for school. I got kicked out though, so there went that.

My parents dont like when i word it that i got kicked out, I was “heavily implied that I should move out so that I can thrive away from my family because they didnt sign up to start taking care of me again because I couldnt go back to school” but not kicked out.

I got a second job, worked 80 hour weeks for a while, quit one, work the other. Moved from one apartment to another and then another. I dont have any roommates, just me. I cant get an animal because it would be irresponsible when im planning on going back to school and wouldnt be able to bring them with me.

Every month I pay $1000 in rent, $500 in my loan repayment, and whatever other shit i get roped into.

I have a boyfriend. I had a crush on him at the beginning of last summer, we met at work. I ended up getting over him at one point. But sometime in October I got drunk and flirted with him, we went on a couple dates and made it official. Its awkward. We dont have anything to talk about and dont have anything in common. I feel bad that I cant be the partner that he deserves, but we just arent fit for one another. We need to break up but we havent had any free time to see eachother and actually have a talk about anything. Hes a great guy, but romantically we just arent compatible at all.

Were having a winter storm in my state and just my washing machine pipe froze, so last night at 2am I got to spend hours cleaning up my overflowed washing machine and hand wringing out and emptying the machine. I feel constantly overwhelmed and like Im drowning, but I dont have a solid enough support system to feel helped. This isnt to diss my friends or anything, I just need professional help at this point and cant keep burdening my friends with this kind of constant badgering of venting.

I need to make some more friends, like actual friends I hang out with who are on a similar level of being grown up as me. I need other people who are moved out that I can find some relation and comfort in. I just dont feel like I have anyone solid in my corner that I can turn to at this moment. Its my own fault which is even more frustrating.

I wish i could just go home and curl up on the couch and be comforted. Im a grown person whose fully moved out, supported completely by myself, but I just want my mom. I wish her and I were close. But neither of us are willing to let down our egos enough to ever talk without fighting. One time my mom told me she likes me better when Im drunk, because Im quiet and sweet. So everytime i go over, I have a drink and pretend it affects me more than it does.

I was a functioning alcoholic for most of my senior year of highschool. I’d drink nearly half a bottle of vodka every night. It hurts to see people compliment how I act when im drunk more than when Im sober. I wish I was a likable person. I dont know why I lash out, why I cant not have the last word, but I also wish i didnt have to fight everyone at any given moment.

I dont know why i fight but I dont know why everyone around me loves to rile me up.

My family has always known I had anger issues, and nothing made them laugh harder than seeing me lose my temper, if i got mad i was laughed at. If i got sad I was laughed at. If i stayed sat at that dining room table and went quiet then i was laughed at. If i excused myself to go to my room or hide in the bathroom, I was laughed at. There was no way to get away from the ridicule besides being an asshole back, and then someone else was always allowed to storm off. No one else was laughed at when they left. The table would go silent until everyone else excused themselves and it was just me.

Theres nothing quite like being left alone while everyone else comforts eachother. Why wasnt I included. Was it my own fault? Was I that repulsive of a kid? A teen? What about me was so fundamentally wrong that I couldnt be included.

I remember being young, maybe 9 at this memory. My brother had said something, I said something back, he stormed off and told my mom. I remember feeling excited when my mom came to my door. I remember thinking maybe it was my turn to be comforted. To be held and rocked the way she would to my brothers. I remember standing there while she screamed at me, hearing my brothers doors squeak open so they could tune in to the show. Being ridiculed for being such a horrible daughter, a horrible sister, just a base level horrible person to be around. How much my brothers would complain to my parents about how much they hated me.

Watching my mother stand there with this blank face as I would stand there, tears welled up in my eyes being told that if it wasnt for being family, I would be unloved.

She would hug me after, let my tears soak into the shoulder of her shirt, and say nothing as Id choke out apologies for being how I was. She’d stand there and hold me, telling me that all I could do was change.

So I tried. I tried so hard. I distanced myself from my family so they wouldnt have to deal with me. I got criticized for hiding away and hating them.

Now that I dont live there its easier. I dont see any of them often and they seem happy. My older brother is also moved out but he was still over there constantly, having dinner with the family most nights. I would tell my mom I would swing by later and come over to an empty house. Id wait for an hour, thinking maybe they were all just out, but they wouldnt be back. Id put away whatever Id brought over and leave, a silent drive back home to throw myself into an empty apartment and sit there. Not even a text to acknowledge whatever Id brought. Who knows if they even noticed.

I know my parents care about me, at least on some level. My dad comes over to help me set up my wifi, he drove me to work during this snow storm. I can see that on a base level he cares. But I hate that ill never know how much. Some people you can just sense it when you meet their parents, how they interact, how their parents look at them so fondly.

I feel embarrassed when my friends meet my family, not because Im embarrassed of my family, but because I know that the way I talk about my family isnt reciprocated. That no matter how many stories of my family I can share to my friends, how fondly I talk about them and their achievements, how every eyelash I wish on is spent wishing for my family to receive only the best, I know that when my friends look at my family and I, they dont see that fond look that their parents give them.

No matter how funny I can be around my friends, it will never translate over with my family. How I get quiet and move to the background around family.

I wish I was something and someone that could be talked about.

I wish I was worth bringing up in conversation when Im not around.

I wish just once in my life I felt like I was worth putting up with.

[winderlylandchime]

First of i would like to apologize because unfortunately i have to sent this in two parts.. the hetero brother was on a roll. Anyway 1/2:

I legit walked into the living room to find my brother standing with the intro paused and him going ‘cmon loser, we got work to do!’ So here is the 2x02 report: ‘oh he’s going to Brian?! That’s right Jenny Jen, you are not stopi- wait THATS THE FUCKE- oh it’s a dream, we’re good! I mean he isn’t but boy, i was worried for a sec, oh poor baby! Wait, he hates being touched, i forgot! But he hugged my-i mena our man Bri Bri!’ ‘OH ITS MY BOY BRI BRI! oh damn i forgot that no more David means Michael stays..ugh, you win some you lose some’ that’s where I wanted to give a helping hand to Mikey so i said well technically he is one of the leads and he immediately scoffed at me and went ‘i think me, Brian and Justin would like to disagree with that terribly inaccurate statement, now shush!’ He is once again groaning at Mikey ‘really dude?! I mean i hate you but come on! And of course he liked dancing with Justin! Who wouldnt? i need him gone. Either the writers did a great job at writing him annoying and he’s really good at acting OR the guy sucks and im picking up on his vibesss either way, stop it’ ‘duty as a father to build a swing set? Wait..did we have a swing set? I gotta talk to dad about that bc he never got us a swing!’ He is currently very sad over the Jen/Deb scene but hes still mad at Jen so he keeps scoffing at her. ‘that’s right Deb! Someone else! BRIAN! FFS! Not after what happened?! Was Brian the one swinging the bat? No. if there was no Brian, justin would be dead! And WHY IS DEBBIE NOT CALLING HER OUT ON HER BLAMING BRIAN?! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE PROTECTING HIM?! This is a very hard job for me! It’s only my 5th day here and I’m on drugs and in pain. But fuck it, Bri Bri needs me! Hit play again, im ready’ and we got to the loft scene and he hid under his hands bc it’s just like the dream. ‘Wait it’s my man Bri!! Oh no! Oh no! justin this isnt him talking to you! It’s your mothers fault. He wants you there i swear he told me himself, i mean not really but like the way he looked at you in the last episode said everything, you just didnt see it bc they had you looking away in the script’ (is this the point where i start worrying about his mental state?) ‘OH HE FIGURED IT OUT! He knows its your fault jenny! My boy took a bat to his head but he still knows that 1+1= his mom being a lil bitch. OH SHIT IS SHE OKAY? Damn i feel conflicted now, nvm she’s okay’. My favorite part is now coming up that ive been dying to see his reaction to and ofc it did not disappoint ‘OH ITS JEN! And my boy BRI! Now what does she want? She wants a favor? What is he red cross? She wants him to TAKE HIM? Take him where? Like take him to LA (narrators note: bless his heart) or like what? What other way can he be taken? What is she sayin- thank you Bri for asking bc she wasn’t listening to me! “Standing there helpless, do you know what it feels like?” GIRL IS WATER WET?! OFC HE KNOWS HE WATCHED HIM ALMOST DIE! Jenny what are you saying touch him, make more sen-oh wait..oh no, oh wait is she asking him to fuck Justin?! JENNY IS THAT WHAT YOURE ASKING?….do you think mom would pimp me out like that? Although the last date she set me up on the girl started praying before eating (cue me saying i mean thats not THAT bad) IT IS WHEN ITS IN MCDONALDS.. she wants him to fuck him oh god, i mean I’m down and so are they! Lets go..im tired’

Okay dear sweet anon and brother anon. I just got to my office and I have TEARS streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Luckily, my office is therapy office so there are tissues. I gotta pull myself together.

I’m going to post your messages without comment because I go into back to back meetings soon and I cannot without them from the world.

So 1/3.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

[how-gross]

2:37am — December 23, 2023

I’m so fucking sick of everything. Whoever said you life doesn’t end at seventeen was a fucking liar. I’m sick of this. All of this. I hate everyone and everything and I really just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.

It’s almost my second semester of my senior year of high school. My college application deadlines are coming up. Scholarship application deadlines are coming up. I might not even win some scholarships since I waited until the last fucking minute to apply— I DIDNT EVEN APPLY YET.

I wanted to apply for scholarships before the school year even started, that’s why my mom’s friend suggested. But the minute before I submit the application, my mom’s like, “wait don’t do it yet. Wait until we can do it together”. So I wait, but then other people are talking about getting scholarships, so I beg my mom to help but she goes ahead and tells me that her friend says I should do it myself. I FUCKING TRIED TO, BUT YOU TOLD ME TO WAIT UNTIL WE DO IT TOGETHER, SO I WAITED FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHEN YOURE READY TO DO IT TOGETHER. And then you want to tell me that you already have enough stuff on your plate so I can’t expect you to remember when to do those applications. But if I were to go up to you and ask you to do it, you’d be hostile or exhausted and either way I’d end up feeling bad. And then you want to turn the conversation around, asking me if I want to do applications tonight, but when I tell you I’m tired from the week alone — WHICH I AM. I AM TIRED. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE FUCKING TIRED — you wanna say, “you made such a big deal out of it”.

YES. BECAUSE IT IS A BIG DEAL. I WOULDN’T HAVE COME TO YOU IF IT WASNT A BIG FUCKING DEAL. AND SOMEHOW THIS IS MY FAULT ALL OVER AGAIN. YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A PERSON LIKE YOU. I HATE THAT IM SO FUCKING RELIANT ON YOU TO FUCKING SURVIVE.

And now, during Christmas Break, a fucking old lady wants to mention, “yeah, around this time scholarship deadlines are coming up”. Oh yeah, just what I wanted to hear. I know that already, shit-for-brains. You heard me mention scholarship applications, you see me trying to make the effort, you think I don’t know that applications are coming up? Why the fuck do you think I brought my backpack with me on fucking holiday break? And then when I try to apply for scholarships and get ahead on things, listing out the different ones I want to apply to, my mom’s like, “Let me check grammar before you submit”. But as I’m sending you the stuff to let you check, you can’t because you’re in a meeting. And then I try to talk about how I can stay organized by making a spreadsheet and asking you to help, you’re like, “I promise we will work on it together while I’m off”. But then, when I say we could work on scholarship applications the next day after you get off from work, you’re like, “do we have to do it tomorrow?”. YES. YES WE DO, BECAUSE AT THIS POINT IM GONNA BE FUCKING DROWNING IN DEBT. IM GONNA HAVE TO WORK FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. THIS AFFECTS MY FUCKING FUTURE AND YOURE TREATING IT LIKE ITS A FUCKING SIDE JOB. AND YOU WANT TO YELL AT ME FOR PROCRASTINATING AND SAYING I NEED TO WORK ON TIME MANAGMENT, BUT YOU DONT WORK ON TIME MANAGMENT YOURSELF. YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING EXAMPLE— SOME SHIT OF AN EXAMPLE YOU ARE.

My holiday break isn’t even my own. I can’t relax, at all. Because if it’s not schoolwork, then it’s college applications or scholarship applications, and if it’s not those, it’s family.

Oh by the way, forgot to mention, MY FUCKING GRANDMOTHER IS LIVING WITH US NOW. YEAH, CUZ MY FUCKING MOTHER DECIDED TO JUST PICK HER UP AND BRING HER TO OUR HOUSE, AND NOT BRING HER BACK HOME BECAUSE SHE CANT LIVE BY HERSELF SINCE SHE HAS DEMENTIA. And now my fucking grandmothers insistent on going by home, arguing with my mother, and I’m expected to take sides as usual. My mom’s trying to get me to be on her side and understand her issue, but it’s like; you lied to her and told her all this shit and you expect her to be okay with it? You know how she gets and how stubborn she is about her own independence, what the fuck did you expect when you lie to her, tell her she’s not going home at the last minute, and expect her to just deal with it? You do this shit with everyone; you make decisions for other people and expect them to just suck it up and deal with it, just be subservient to all your fucking needs. This is why I hate you. You don’t let others make their own choices.

And I get it, because my grandmother is too unstable to live by herself. She forgets things and asks for stuff multiple times. She mixes up her own medicine. She creates these scenarios in her head and believes they’re real. And it’s even harder on my mom because my aunt doesn’t do jack shit besides paying for groceries once in a while, and even then it’s half-assed. But for fuck’s sake, you could have handled it differently instead of just bullshitting your way through. Sure she probably would have reacted the same, but at least it wouldn’t have the added effect of, “dealing with this shit at the last minute”, and “being lied to”.

And yeah. It’s almost Christmas too. That’s fun. Fucking fantastic.

Everything is happening all at once, I’m overwhelmed, stressed and so close to just relapsing heavily, and I’m just expected to be okay with it? Just expected to suck it up and deal with it because everyone else is going through this and it’s hard on everyone, not just me? Everyone just expects me to communicate with my mom, like it’s the easiest thing in the fucking world— but you don’t have to fucking live with her. She doesn’t see you the same way she sees me. And that’s the fucking problem.

I hate all of you. I hate this. I hate everything and everyone and I just want it all to be over. I’m sick of this.

#vent #tw #trigger warning #tw cursing #tw mention of self harm #mother knows best