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#I feel like a divorced mother getting to see her kids on rotational weekends
barbasbodaciousbeard · 3 months ago
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If You Love Someone, Let Them Go: Part 10
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Summary: Since starting with SVU, Sonny hadn’t kept much terribly close to the chest. The squad knew about his family, growing up on Staten Island, the classes at Fordham. What was hidden was why he didn’t date. Sonny Carisi was also separated from his childhood sweetheart, a separation neither ever took to divorce. They had the same haunts. They’d grown up neighbors. Their paths crossed every few months, and divorce talks would turn into reminiscing would turn into a night spent together, sometimes sex sometimes just talking until the early morning. It always ended with one of them waking up alone however. How will that change when the squad finds out?Pairings: Sonny Carisi x Original Character
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A/N: Thanks to official Sonny Carisi historian @cycat4077​ for screaming with me and sending me the relevant episodes. 
December 2015
“Tor, hurry! We gotta get to ma’s for mass.”
“I’m hurrying,” she said from her place on the couch, carefully buckling the strap of her mary jane. “Dom, we’ve got ten more minutes.”
“I just don’t want to be late. Everybody’ll be together this year. And Bella’s bringing the baby. They’ll all be there.”
“And look, I’m ready,” she smiled, kissing him softly when she stood. He wrapped around her waist, humming. Christmas had always been his favorite holiday, but it wasn’t quite the same without her. It had always been him and Victoria chasing the nieces and nephews around the house. He’d held Mia through each of the masses she was a baby for, and he was looking forward to holding Alma and Lucy through their first services. Alma was Bella’s girl, three months old now. Lucy was Gina’s and eleven months old. He’d been waiting patiently to spend more time with them, and now he got to. And he got to see them with Victoria by his side. 
Between therapy and the eight months that had elapsed, they were doing exceptionally well again. She’d known he was more than capable of being great, but it was nice to be back to where they’d been before. They’d be together on Christmas morning, and that had a new meaning to him now. He’d woken up alone the last two. As they drove to Staten Island, she laced their fingers and watched him drive, and she was rewarded at a light by a broad grin.
“What?”
“You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. Sometimes I just remember I get to be married to you. It makes me happy.”
“Stop it,” he laughed, cheeks going red as he looked back at the road. They were nearing his mom’s house. Her mom was somewhere in Europe for Christmas this year, so they’d be spending the night in that house, and he expected either one or two of his sisters and their husbands or the nieces would be joining them for the sake of space. He parked in the driveway, grabbing the duffel bag and dumping it in the living room of Victoria’s mom’s place before they went to his ma’s porch. They’d seen her plenty of times since Bella’s wedding, but Victoria still got nervous. Sonny had changed, and his mother didn’t like the way he stood up to her more and felt it was Victoria’s fault. She took it easily, thankful Ma didn’t give her a harder time.
“Sonny,” Bella squealed when she answered the door. “And Tori! We get you on Christmas again!”
“I know,” she laughed, hugging her close. “Where’s Alma?”
Bella rolled her eyes, leading her to the living room. Within minutes, Sonny had Lucy on his lap, and Victoria had Alma laying against her chest. Since Alma had been born, the last hesitance to have a baby had left Sonny, but he was trying to figure out how to bring it up. Seeing her cradle the newest of their nieces woke that same urge, and he watched her with a soft smile when Lucy was distracted with the singing bear in her hand. He wanted to see her holding their baby. Lately, they’d been babysitting the four kids in their lives. On the weekends, they rotated between helping with Noah or Jesse or Alma or Lucy, whether it was meeting for a family lunch or watching them so parents could run errands. 
The carloads of Carisis settled in the pew at mass, and his sisters were delighted to let Aunt Tori and Uncle Sonny take them. It always made Victoria’s stomach do flips to see how easily he could calm a baby. When she held Lucy, she was old enough it to be entertained by a pen and paper from her bag. Alma required that careful bouncing he was so good at, his hand cradling the back of her head as he sang hymns. When he caught her eye, she got a broad smile and he mouthed Lucy’s happy, like there wasn’t a three month old clutching the sleeve of his blazer as she slept. And when they got home, he watched his sisters take their babies, tuck them in with help from their husbands. He got overwhelmingly jealous sometimes, feeling like it was time for him and Victoria. But he had to be patient.
“It was good being with everybody,” Victoria hummed, stretching as they walked to her mom’s place. He hated how her mother was always gone. It was always highlighted after holidays like this. Her dad had abandoned them, and then her mother moved to Staten Island and had enough money to not need to be around. Family trips were trips where she left Victoria in an apartment with a credit card. They only arrived and departed together. 
“It was,” he smiled, rubbing her back. “I liked getting to see the girls. I invited Rollins in case she and Jesse were on their own, but I think they had plans.”
“That woulda been a full house.”
“Yeah. Maybe next year we’ll have the newest baby.”
“That’s pretty soon, Sonny.” She was washing her face, grinning over her shoulder at him. “We ain’t been back together long.”
“But you’ll be such a good mama,” he murmured, long arms wrapping around her waist as he pressed a soft kiss to the crook of his neck.
“And you’ll be an amazing daddy, cher. But it’ll take time.”
“I just can’t wait. I think about it all the time.”
“Me too.”
“Maybe we can start trying,” he teased, tugging her against him.
“Not yet.”
“C’mon beautiful. Could have a baby conceived on Christmas. That’d make them due late summer. I’ll be done with school and the bar. All daddy time during paternity leave.”
“Dominick, stop,” she said firmly, hands resting on his chest before she pulled back. At first, talking about how much she wanted his kid, how much she thought about it, made her happy. She felt like they were on the same page. But then the idea of their own baby being here at the next Christmas made her panic.
She was curled in their bed, clinging to his pillow having not gotten to say more than hello or goodbye for weeks. 
She was standing outside the restaurant on her birthday realizing he forgot.
He was coming in after missing Valentine’s Dinner as though nothing had happened.
It was their baby’s birthday, and he wasn’t there.
She felt her eyes well up, hands curling into the soft material of his henley, and then there was Sonny now, cupping her jaw as tears started to fall. They hadn’t been having issues, but this was burrowing up over the last couple of months. The case he’d shadowed, the teacher catfish case, the reality TV family that missed the sexual abuse of two of their daughters. He’d come home after each a little more distant. But he’d come back to himself after a day or so. But what if there was a little one there? A daughter whose face Sonny could put on the pregnant girls, the students being abused by their coach, the boy raped, killed, and buried under concrete. 
“Talk to me, Tor,” he whispered, holding her shaking hands as he backed her to sit on the bed. Sonny kneeled, hand on her knees. “Hey, hey, look at me, Doll. I’m right here. It’s Dominick.”
“What if it happens again, Dom?” she choked out, twisting to wipe her eyes on her shoulder so she didn’t have to let go of him. “What if the cases get to you and you disappear? There’s so many with kids. High school, elementary school, younger? I know you’ve been having fun being Uncle Sonny with Lucy and Alma and Jesse, but if we have a kid, and you panic? Then I’m alone again, but I’m alone raising a baby. Dad left! And mom may as well have! We’re literally staying in her house without her, Dominick.
“What does that have to do with this?”
“You were the only person that never left me. And you may as well have. What if a baby makes you feel like you might taint them so bad you do?” Her voice was airy as she took a shaky breath, and Sonny scrubbed a hand over his jaw. 
“Baby, I wasn’t thinking about how you must be feeling. And I never thought about it in terms of your parents. But you gotta know I won’t. But also, I understand why you feel that way. What do I gotta do though? I’m trying so fuckin’ hard. This is all I want. And I know I fucked up, but what else can I do? I’m not your mom. And I’m not your dad. I’ll always come home, okay?” 
His voice sounded desperate, and she hated herself for not being able to move on. Then again, she’d only been actively thinking about it for a month, and now they were talking about it. That was progress. She didn’t let it simmer unsaid until it reached a boiling point so high she could only leave.
“I know. You’re not. But it scares me, having a baby after what happened.”
“I’ll never emotionally abandon you like that again. I never left physically, but it might’ve been meaner, what I did. But what can I do so we can move forward?”
“Dom, this sounds really weird, but I think it might be progress that this conversation is happening.”
“How is not wanting to have a baby progress?”
“Stop saying that. That’s not what I’m saying,” she whimpered, cupping his cheeks. “I want your baby. But I’m not thinking about it as a nebulous concept when we’re better. This is reality. And I’m scared about something you might do, and we’re discussing it.”
“It is. And in reality, I would quit the force, cancel the bar exam, and move to Michigan if it meant having a family with you. If the force gets in the way of me bein’ a good husband again, I’ll quit.”
“You wouldn’t be happy.”
“I’d have you and our baby.”
“So you’d become a teacher or a salesman?”
“I-I guess not?” he muttered. “But I’m going to make this work. I am.”
“Six more months, okay? It took eight for me to go from ‘a baby in ten years’ to ‘here’s the reality of how I feel about a baby in this exact moment.”
“We talk about this is therapy though? I didn’t know your parents still upset you like that. I wanna make sure I’m not being a dick or anything. I understand why you feel this way, doll. But we also can’t know the future.”
“I know, Dom. Just give me a few more months, okay?”
“Deal,” he whispered, kissing her gently. “Let’s sleep. They’ll be comin’ to get us early so we can do Christmas morning.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No, doll. I can’t undo what I did, but I’m mad at me, if I’m mad at any one. I hate knowing you have a reason to feel like this. You’re not irrational, even though I’m sure I’ve changed.”
“You’re going to be an amazing dad, Dom.”
“You will too, Tor.”
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