#I feel like I vent every night. I am so sorry to anyone who actually reads these. 😂

[edenfenixblogs]

Hey, I came from your post about Night. I’ve been wanting to read it for a while now, but I’ve heard that the English version is very watered down and stripped of the original emotions that are in the Yiddish version. Do you know if there are any more accurate English translations, or if the Hebrew one is more like the original? Sorry if you’re not the right person to ask about this, you just seem quite knowledgeable

(also coming from my vent account so I don’t get any hate on main for being a Jew lol)

No worries at all, @nonbinary-vents:

I want to be clear about something: My post was aimed at goyim.

You are a Jewish person, and reading this book (especially if you haven't read any other accounts of experiences in concentration camps) may be an important thing for you to do. And I'd cautiously encourage you to do so if you feel emotionally stable. But you do not need to worry about the experience of this book feeling watered down.

If you are Jewish and not in a very stable emotional state, do not read this book. Do not cause yourself harm.

(If you are goyiscshe, you should challenge yourself and force yourself to read this book. Obviously if you are in an actual emotional/psychological crisis or dealing with the death or illness of a loved one, then you are the only goyim who has an excuse not to read this book. No matter who you are, do not read this book if it will cause you actual mental harm or drive you to somehow cause yourself physical harm. But if it will make you upset, depressed, panicked at your own failings, or other extremely unpleasant but ultimately human discomfort, then you should read this book. Jews don't get a choice about knowing this shit, because knowing this shit is how we survive. And you NOT knowing this shit is what makes it so easy for you to dismiss and target us over and over and over again. You should be uncomfortable. You should feel guilty. Because unless you're actively learning how to disentangle yourself from the antisemitism that led to The Holocaust, then you are actively participating in thee fomentation of another. And that should horrify you.)

Sure, I bet this book is even more haunting and visceral in the original Yiddish. I've spoken recently about how hard Jewish language is to translate to English.

But there is no world in which this book will feel watered down to you.

@nonbinary-vents This book will haunt you. This book will change you. This book will challenge your faith and your ability to trust people.

Remember going in that Judaism asks us not to separate ourselves from our community--not just our Jewish community, but any community in which we find ourselves. Resist the urge this book may stir within you to become insular and fearful of goyim. That is not our way. We are a part of the communities and cultures and nations in which we find ourselves. And we must do good for those communities, because that is what we are called to do. The lesson of this book for Jews is different than the lesson of this book for goyim.

The lesson of this book for Jews -- in fact, the lesson of "Never Again" for Jews -- is that we cannot ever allow this to happen to ourselves again. No, of course, I am not blaming Jews for the Holocaust and if anyone thinks that's what I'm arguing here, then they can fuck off.

The lesson of this book for Jews is that we must never again let fear hold us back from fighting for ourselves. If he world calls upon us to die, we must refuse. Refuse to put ourselves on a list. Refuse to follow our oppressors' directions to the ghetto. Refusal to get on the train or to enter the gas chamber. And we must refuse to be silent for other people's comfort. While it is a Jewish imperative to believe that every human being is capable of kindness and has inherent goodness within them, we can never again trust that the kindness and goodness they possess will ever be directed at us. There was the very understandable thought back when this all started that if we just complied--if we were just willing to suffer a little bit by moving to the ghettos or registering on the lists of Jews the Nazis demanded or carried our papers with us at all time and wore our stars just as they said --then they would eventually realize we were good citizens. They would eventually realize we were just people like them doing their best to live quiet lives and follow the rules. People believed that, if we just complied, they'd remember their humanity and our own. If we just complied and let ourselves suffer, hen maybe our friends and loved one would be safe.

But that was a lie we told ourselves.

No amount of compliance or agree-ability or self-sacrifice will ever make someone who sees Jews as evil and subhuman realize that Jews are actually just human beings like everyone else. Compliance will never ensure our safety; it will just make us easier to kill. Compliance won't make antisemites see us as human; it will only ever make them see us -- at best -- as agreeable livestock.

(although I doubt any farmer would treat their animals as cruelly as Nazis and their supporters treated us).

I am not advocating for violence. But I advocating for discomfort and defense. That is why I am on here every day writing the things I write. I will not shut up for the comfort of people who don't care about my life or my safety. And neither should you. Neither should any of us. I will not allow antisemites to co-opt our own tragedies to demonize us further while casting themselves as warriors for justice.

No, we should not take to the streets and start harming goyim. But if the day comes that they once again start to round us up, I for one will tear those Nazis a-fucking-part with my bare hands. And if they live to have children and grandchildren of their own, they will have to explain to their children and grandchildren that they got the scars on their face and the missing eyeball because the Jew they were trying to murder wouldn't submit quietly.

And if this seems like a hyperbolic and absurd hypothetical to anyone reading this? Well, yeah. It seemed like one back then, too.

(And if any goyim chose to read "Night" by Elie Wiesel because of my post, please tell me. Please engage. I cannot be emphatic enough about this. If you are willing to read night in the way I asked of you in my post, then please do reach out to me with your experience and thoughts. Because that's the whole point. Jews need you to listen and engage with us about our own suffering. We need you to consider your impact on us and to not run away from that guilt or from us. If any of you are willing to read this book in the way that I have asked of you, please please please don't keep your experience to yourself. A lot of Jews desperately need to see goysiche growth in understanding antisemitism and its affects. I don't think you can even imagine how scared and lonely we are right now)

#ask me stuff #nonbinary-vents #antisemitism #leftist antisemitism #deconstruction #Shoah TW #Holocaust TW #Genocide TW #I don't care about my oppressors' discomfort #Or their opinions about my own morals #If you don't care about Jewish suffering then I don't value your opinion #I live in fear of your opinion #Your opinion makes me actively endangered #your apathy makes me actively endangered #But your opinion's value is worth rat's diarrhea to me #it is nothing

[the-s1lly-corner]

facial dysmorphia comfort spot x reader

maybe maybe

Spot w/ an S/O who has facial dysmorphia

Okokokok two things!!

One I am once again so sorry for taking so long for getting to your ask 😭😭 same goes for everyone else who sent in requests <\3 but I got nothing going on tonight so I'll likely be knocking out asks throughout tonight!!

Second!!

Bit personal but I really didnt know there was dysmorphia that's centered around faces :0 I thought it was just body dysmorphia; and this ask kinda

Made me feel things

Not necessarily bad things but like

"Oh that's a hyper specific version of me" as someone with body dysmorphia that's very. Face centered

🧍‍♂️

Anywahs

Eeerm yeah!!

With all that being said some of this might dip into my personal experience with body dysmorphia <\3

Actually it kinda dips into a lot

It's the self projection for me

Not proofread we die like peter parker

He gets it

Kinda?

Sorta?

I mean it's not a 1:1 but

Close enough...?

I think he may have also had similar issues precollider tbh, like when he said "oh I used to be handsome by scientist standards" sounded... backhanded..

Anyways

Not the most attentive, he wont immediately catch your mood souring if you two are out and about; but he does eventually catch on if you're quiet or fidgeting

Offers you things you can fidget with to keep your hands busy; from small stress toys to rubber bands, to keep your hands busy

I know everyones different but again, self projection here

Helps especially if you mess with/tug your hair into place or pick your face at any perceived flaws

"Look at me dont look at them," when he notices you start comparing yourself to others when you're both out

Probably steps in front of you, if you're walking hes walking backwards to keep him in your view

He falls over/hj

Ah yes the mirror

Frowns

Another thing that spot would personally relate too; I believe I've mentioned somewhere in a different hc post that he tends to just

Stare and talk down to his reflection, post collider

It's a habit he probably had precollider too, but instead of his lack of face he's scrutinizing the moles and beauty marks

He never really liked his spots

But aside from sympathy when he sees you do the same he also feels

Hurt

Is this how he makes you feel when he does the same thing?

It's weird for him to be on the other end; watching you pick at your skin or teeth, sizing up every curve and crevice

He doesnt want to just go up to you and pull you away from the mirror or upright tell you to stop; nono that doesnt feel right.. it feels too.. forceful, accusatory... he doesn't want to make things worse

He'll probably try to subtly bring your attention in another direction; be it asking you what the plans for that night are, or asking for some affection

The most bold he'll get is walking up to you and gently bopping his face against you

He does his research, hes a scientist afterall

He makes sure that your shared home is a safe place to retreat to at the end of the day; his protective side outright banning anything that could potentially trigger your dysmorphia, doesn't matter what it is he's just not going to let it through the door

He never ever wants you to feel like your experiences are less than; whenever he notices a day is particularly hard hes immediately dropping everything to help and/or distract and/or comfort you

Listens diligently to what you need

He probably keeps a little notebook somewhere with notes scribbled down, along with things he knows you like and bring security

You both have feeling sessions; you both just sit down and talk, about anything really

Not necessarily vents but also not necessarily not vent but

You know

God forbid anyone ever makes you feel bad about himself

He would never... kill anyone (attempting to off miles dad aside!! I write these like. Imagining it's the time between the movies :0) but boy does he get thoughts

Literally just

Spawns a hole under them and sends them to god knows where

If you've got anything to help it, like say therapy or medications he'll make sure you keep a consistent and steady schedule with it

Insists on taking you to therapy himself

Via holes, of course

"Wait wait wait I think... I got it this time-!"

Proceeds to accidentally send yall to the top of some random building somewhere

VERY persistent about any meds, almost gets naggy with it

This is the same with any other stuff you may or may not take; other meds, vitamins, antibiotics, ect ect ect

Spot is more or less kind of. ..

I dont wanna say hes a mother hen, but asides from revenge, the thing he wants most is for you to be happy and healthy

It also kinda offers himself some reflection, because again he carries/used to carry similar behaviors; whether he had dysmorphia or not, he can see himself in you and it

Hurts

As a side note you notice his frequency in the bad self talk lowers

Gives off that "do it for her" simpsons meme, but its spot having a board of you

Figurative board of course

Maybe

I can kinda see him having some version of it actually

He just wants you to know that he loves you so so so much. He thinks himself to be the luckiest man in the world; hell in the entire multiverse, as cheesy as it sounds. Despite everything hes been through and going through, he still managed to get someone like you by his side. You give him clarity in his whirlwind of a life and he wants to let you know how grateful he is for your existence

Anyways

Yeah I dont know where I was going with this post and hcs I kinda just let my feelings and experiences talk here so <\3 normally I like to keep things like this vague so others can hopefully relate easier but

Man this topic got me

But

Yeah

I hope this is alright !! It's not often I write stuff with this sort of topic matter so I'm a lil rusty <\3

#atsv #atsv spot #the spot #the spot x reader #spot x reader #jonathan ohnn #jonathan ohnn x reader

[lincolndjarin]

.

// tw for graphic descriptions of sexual assault. this is just a vent post bc i have nowhere els to get these feeling out sorry.

yeah so idk everyone can ignore this i just wanted to write it out bc that's what i do and this is so much but i write things out, like, that's what i do.

i don't really have anyone i can talk to anymore. im not exaggerating when i say i have one friend who still lives in the same state as i do. and she is quite literally always in a lab because she's trying to cure cancer so it's like woof how do i bring her my problems when i only get to see her a couple times a month? i don't want her to associate what little time we spend together with just me complaining bc i love her so much and i don't want to do that to her when she so rarely gets a break. the rest of my friends are scattered around the country so when they are in town we usually just go out and call it a night. and my best friend moved to another state in august. i miss him every day. he's quite literally my soulmate and because of the sudden distance between us i made a conscious effort to give him some space. he's in a new place and i wanted to give him time to adjust and make new friends so i've really only been texting him when there's an emergency or if he texts me first.

so i've sort of just been filled with an overwhelming sense of being alone in a way i never have been previously. it's a big part of why i started writing. a lot of people made comments about how when i first started writing bks that the update schedule was crazy bc i was posting nearly 3 chapters a week and that was because i was desperate to pour my attentions into something other than the fact that i was alone.

all of that is nonsense and in all honestly just a precursor to what is actually upsetting me.

a few of my friends are in town and last night we went out to a club that we used to go to all the time. I haven't gone out in quite some time so i was pretty excited and because it's a gay club i usually feel pretty safe there, i've always been with a large group of friends and i have never felt threatened there because the people are always extremely kind and there is very attentive security.

because i haven't been out in months i definitely overestimated how much alcohol i could handle. i was pretty wasted when we arrived but we got there early enough that it was relatively empty for the first few minutes and we were able to just sort of talk and hang out.

later that night i was with two of my friends dancing when i smiled at a guy who was dancing near us. I have never felt threatened by the men at this club, despite the fact that i am usually pretty wary about men in general due to the fact that i assaulted multiple times by a family friend when i was young.

i was heavily intoxicated at this point but still lucid. i smile at everyone, i make a conscious effort to compliment as many people as possible when i'm out and to smile at everyone.

before i fully knew what was happening he was behind me groping me. one of the two friends that i was dancing with gave me a sort of thumbs up thumbs down signal to see if i was okay, i just sort of frowned and nodded, i didn't really know what to do so i just sort of let it happen, it seemed relatively harmless enough.

after another minute or so he became aggressive, he grabbed me by my chest and held me in place, he bit me and humped me until he came against the back of my skirt. he had not said a single word to me at this point. immediately after that happened i grabbed my friend by the arm and asked him if we could go outside to get some air.

when we recalled what had happened to my other friends it became clear that no one knew the extent of what had happened. they asked if i was okay and i smiled and nodded. i didn't want to ruin the first night we've had out in months so i made a few jokes about it and we went back inside.

i spent the rest of the night staying as close as possible to my friends with my back to the wall.

we didn't leave for another hour or so because my friends were having fun and i told them i was fine. on several occasions throughout the night he would try to get near me again but i managed to avoid him without ever involving anyone else.

i didn't speak much on the car ride home, i had sobered up at that point because i had stopped drinking immediately after it had happened. i didn't cry until i went to bed that night and then i just went to sleep.

it's a little after noon now, i woke up a few hours ago and i just feel sort of empty. i've dealt with the aftermath of assault before but this is somehow worse because i had the opportunity to stop it and i didnt. when i was a kid it was easy to come to terms with the fact that it was never my fault. i was a little girl, the adults around me failed to protect me from what was happening and it was never on me.

but now i am an adult, who was drunk and dressed promiscuously in a club. and it's much harder to swallow because i didn't push him away and i could have asked for help and i didnt so ive just sort of spent this morning staring out the window and drinking lemonade because that's what i do on sundays.

and i feel more alone than i usually do because who am i supposed to talk to about this? i told my friends who were there last night that i was fine and i don't want to text anyone whos been out of town bc it's like 'hey it's been a while! lets catch up! i think i might have been assaulted last night!' and who wants to hear that.

so i guess i'll just do what i do to cope and i'll just write more.

idk. it's just been a rough 12 hours and im tired from all the crying and i really needed to get this out and this is the only place i could think to put this and im sorry if this is too much it's just been sitting stagnant in my mind and it helps me to write so thats what i did.

thats all i guess.

#tw sa #tw assault #long post #personal #tw vent

[sysmedsaresexist]

So

Here's the deal.

I have officially resigned from SN.

Here's my message.

@Moderator I am giving SN my resignation.

You've got until the weekend to figure out a public reply before I go ham.

This isn't about me, it's about my frustration over defending all of you.

I actually haven't been directly named yet. I could literally walk away unscathed, but my heart hurts so much and I am filled with so many emotions that I feel like I'm going to burst. I am internally imploding.

Keeping quiet has made me physically ill, I have lost twenty pounds, I have ongoing shingles from stress (the stress being unable to deal with strong emotions with no outlet), I am feeling ashamed of myself, who I am, how I handle things. I am full of guilt and self hatred over my feelings. Why can't I just be like you guys? Why can't I just let it wash over me and move on and ignore it?

I question everything I post and say now.

I am once again a child being told that everything I feel is wrong, that I'm wrong.

I'm not blaming any of you for that, but my mental health is falling apart.

Part of my healing was embracing my anger and not being ashamed of my feelings, and venting them honestly and openly.

I'm fifty feet back in my journey, and back to hiding and killing my thoughts and emotions.

I haven't switched since April because I'm so scared to let anyone else out that I can't control.

I'm not like you guys, I can't let this continue.

I love you all, so much.

Everything works out in the end, even if it's not how you expected.

Good luck, see you all on the other side.

Bois

I can't wait to make these people look like the fools they are

I can't wait to point out everything about all of this drama

I can't wait to show Sophie how fucking off the mark she is about all these accusations

I can't wait to drop screenshots of the two members that are complaining (yes, because there's only two, out of OVER 300 members) acting like absolute CHILDREN

I can't wait to state the real stances of mods on some of these topics so we can clear the air

To the members:

I am so happy to have met all of you, the community YOU all created is amazing, and I'm grateful and so honoured to have been a part of it. I have never met a group of kinder, more understanding people in my life, and I hope each and every one of you achieves your goals ❤️

I know a lot of you are going to ask why, wondering what I'm doing, but what are we supposed to do? What do they want from us? What's going to make it stop? None of you deserve this, and someone needs to point that out.

Let's cover the big ones

Was SN involved in the banning of Sophie? No. The server only opened that same day.

Was SN involved in the second banning of Sophie? No. That was only two days later, we still weren't fully open.

The few members in the server show complete confusion over her banning, and rules were added that first day that those involved in harassment or false reporting would be banned.

Was SN involved in the banning of eeveecraft? This one is actually hilarious because you'll see that no one knew who the hell eeveecraft was. It's genuinely hilarious the number of, "who?" Like, wow, you're really not that important.

The Sophie bot: it was a handful of uwus and a joke about balloon popping, THAT'S IT, I am LITERALLY looking at the members being upset over one of Sophie's posts at the time, members venting hurt and fear and upset, extreme frustration, struggling with feelings of powerlessness, and someone made a joke, and I'm looking at apologies and rule updates FROM BEFORE SOPHIE EVEN KNEW ABOUT IT

One user made a post and mistakenly or accidently implied it was still happening, but they weren't even in the server at the time it happened. It was not months of rping and harassment. I am still pissed about that post.

It was one person, one night, get over yourself

While watching the SN mods live rent free in Sophie's head was funny, it's just annoying now. Sorry one of the members did something dumb. Can we have apologies for all the baseless accusations you've slung our way, and the ACTUAL months of harassment?

SN harbouring a pedo?! Mods were very open and honest with members during the event. Multiple announcements were made as we investigated. We spoke with members about their comfort. In the end, the accusations were unfounded, confirmed to be false by the alleged victims themselves. We did our due diligence and we supported our members. There are zero safety concerns.

Their real name?! It wasn't their deadname, HOW THE FUCK WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW, WHAT WERE YOU SERIOUSLY THINKING WHEN YOU LEGALLY CHANGED YOUR NAME TO THAT, WHY

Also, see a therapist, your obsession with that person is TERRIFYING and you genuinely need to talk to someone

My past relationships: thank you for dragging that into this, low move, it's not like I had just gotten the situation to calm down and I was finally able to relax, but you're known to react before hearing both sides. Trust me, the damage was mutual, and I can't talk about it because I'm being blackmailed. That person has my name and address. To them, go ahead, post it, let the community decide if it was one-sided and if I blew off my apology.

#syscourse #survivors network #survivor's network #survivors' network #you're not allowed to know which is the real one

[spacelazarwolf]

(tw for antisemitism)

Hey, Sorry to bother, but i wanted to ask something: my dad said that currently the world Is dominated by a group of jewish families, and that one of them funded Hitler. I know this is antisemitism, but my paranoia needs further reassurements. Do you have any articles or sources that disprove my father's "thesis"? /nf

i’ve been thinking all day about how i want to answer this. i wasn’t sure i even wanted to answer it at all, but i think i need to make this both an educational moment and a boundary setting moment.

i’m going to assume that you’re asking these things in good faith, and i want you to know that my answer is also in good faith and not meant to be an attack but a learning opportunity.

i’m first going to get my own personal feelings out of the way, not because i need to vent but because you need to confront the fact i’m a real, living, breathing jewish person whom you just asked to prove that a genocide of millions of my people, which was painstakingly documented by the people who were committing the genocide, actually happened. this is part of deradicalization, acknowledging that we are human beings just like you. if someone killed your entire family then told you that you were the one who killed them, i assume you would be devastated. take that feeling and multiply it by 6 million. 

there is no one article that is going to prove to your white supremacist father (or to you) that jews did not fund our own genocide. there are several articles online that talk about how to deradicalize family members (i searched “how to deradicalize white supremacist family” and found several articles as well as at least two irl organizations that helps people deradicalize their family from the alt right) but when it comes to yourself, this is my suggestion:

get offline. i know it seems counterintuitive, but it is incredibly easy to fall down the alt right pipeline on just about any social media website or search engine. so i’m going to suggest you go to your local library and ask the librarian for some books about jewish history and judaism, particularly about the holocaust. books written by jews are preferable, such as night by eli wiesel which is a firsthand account. read as many jewish firsthand accounts of the holocaust as you can, look at the photos, if they have any relevant historical recordings watch those too. confront the horrors that happened to us. look at them. face them. read the names of the millions of jews, roma, disabled, and queer people who were murdered. read about their families, their children, their descendants. confront the numbers. 6 million. two out of every three jews who lived in europe. one third of the entire population of jews in the entire world. we still have not recovered our population from this genocide, and our community is still massively traumatized. do not just read one article and call it quits. put in the effort to take on this burden of knowledge and pain.

so now for the boundary setting time, which is for anyone reading this: do not ask me to deradicalize you. i am a disabled queer trans jew living in poverty. i am confronted with the realities of impending fascism every day and with every life decision i make. don’t talk to me. talk to people who look like you who are progressive and willing to help you deradicalize. because i do truly want you to succeed in escaping that pipeline, but i cannot take that burden on myself.

#ask avishai #holocaust #jewish #jumblr #alt right pipeline

[our-genderfluid-experience]

im in the closet and so is my bi bff. im genderfluid/pan and sometimes we joke about coming out to our parents (mostly me) but doubt itll ever happen due to how religious it would be (sometimes i dream about it tho... maybe more than her idk) and hypothetically just think about cutting everyone off and flying out to avoid the backlash (just being silly) and the "interventions" of spiels of how gays go to hell and God wouldnt like That (i am still a christian... somewhat i think and its not uncommon in the spaces ive been to have gay/trans people in the church spaces something about Anglican churches etc, in my country. i just dont have the same exact beliefs as my parents)

sometimes i lie awake about the implications of coming out, the worst case scenario, how id probably no one to tell my achievements anymore, no one to be happy for me the way they had, no one to comfort me or be there when i get married etc. and i joked about how id just get up and leave and fuckall if i die alone to my friend even tho it fills me with loneliness and sadness ;w; anyway um she suddenly took one of my jokes seriously one night and say to me that she'll probably never come out because she loves her parents too much and i just idk. felt hurt. did she think i didnt love them either? i think she didnt mean it that way and i cleared it out that i was just joking about my plans bcuz idk if i want to do it actually (tho i feel like its an inevitable canon plot point with every trans ppl atp) but i just think about it sometimes. i love them but yk. i want to live.

maybe i wont actually cut them off as they try to process that but idk.

i dont think they'll like hurt me or anything but mentally and emotionally probably yes even if they probably mean well. i dont think i want to be in the closet forever?? idk im just sad about what she said ngl. and my future.

sorry just had to vent

i just dont think she gets how painful itd be to me. my parents and their extended family are Baptists. she has mostly catholic relatives (which in my experience from school and friends and gay teachers etc is more accepting ngl) and her dad is pretty accepting, having a brother who is gay and stuff. i dont wanna do a suffering olympics here but the more i think about forever in the closet the more i wanna puke lol

I have a religious family (Catholic), and I'm still religious as well. You wanting to come out to your family is not selfish or "proving you don't love them" in any way. You are who you are and you can't change that. You don't always have to rely on your family to get those feelings of achievement, love, happiness. You can make some friends who will basically become a second family, and they will be there to be happy for you and support you.

Catholics may be a bit more supportive than Baptists (idk I haven't met anyone who's Baptist), but they aren't super supportive (maybe that's just my family idk), but my family probably isn't the best example.

Anyway, you won't be stuck in the closet forever. Once you get old enough to move out, you aren't under your parents' rules anymore. If you ever need to vent some more, you can send me a message or an ask 💖

[cordeliawhohung]

today's song is a bit sad... because i'm sad :(

song: she and her darkness - diary of dreams

or safe in a dream - entwine

i'm going to vent a bit, sorry 🥹

i started to talk with a guy last week, he was kind and thoughtful. at least that's what i thought and that's the sad thing... anyway, he planned our little dates (3 times, THREE!!!). today we met again and he seemed in a low mood, so i sent him a massage at night to ask him if he is okay. then he just said he didn't want to talk anymore (after a few messages of course) and i was shocked. he was the one planning our dates and messaging. and i still cannot understand the reason!! i accepted it (because i didn't know what i was supposed to say) but it broke my heart :( my previous relationships weren't the best and now this??? i'm starting to think like i am the problem. i know i don't have a perfect face or body but at least i'm trying my best!! why most people don't care about personality? there are lots of questions in my mind 😔

at least we have fictional characters who are making us happy, right? 🥹🥲

that was all. at least i'm relaxed a bit. take care ❤️‍🩹💐

-🎵

oh hun, i'm so sorry ):

not to sound like a boomer or anything, but dating culture has changed so much in the last few years i truly feel for anyone trying to put themselves out there. between hookup culture (which it's totally fine if you wanna find a fwb i'm not dogging on that!!) and dating apps it seems super hard to meet anyone naturally anymore?

dating being done online or over the internet too has made things so difficult for people too because i feel like people are just stunned with options. you've got access to every single human being on the planet, so it makes people super flighty when it comes to wanting to actually commit to just one person sometimes.

basically, what i'm trying to say, is that it's not you! you've been nothing but kind and sweet, and sometimes people just don't work out. i know it doesn't make the heartache any easier though. try not to dwell on the "why" too much, because i don't think you'll ever really get an answer in a situation like this. remember to take time for yourself, you deserve it, and i hope you're feeling better soon <3

#core responds #🎵 anon

[despite-everything]

im sitting outside my partners apartment in my car and honestly i shouldnt have come. im pretty upset (with both of them, but one in particular) because of some shit and id been debating not coming down to see them (i live an hour away... i have a thing in this town tomorrow night, so rather than just driving down for that i was coming today so i could spend the night with my partners and enjoy time with them) and i convinced myself to visit anyway and i shouldnt have. if i didnt have to be in this town tomorrow id actually just turn around and drive back home. i thought itd be best if i still came because id be embarrassed to tell my dad (who i live with) why plans changed and im tired of lying about shit like this. i need to talk to my partners aboutthis because if nothing changes i will break up with them - i understand that these problems that are arising are due in part to mental illness, but its not fair to expect me to just have to adapt to shitty treatment because of it. we're all fucking mentally ill and if they can't improve their behavior after months of promising to them im just fucking done. this has happened to me so many times before in friendships and relationships and its fucking embarrassing!! if i was anyone else i'd be saying to break up immediately but i don't want to.

im just fucking venting here but i dont know who to even talk to about this other than my partners and while that's going to happen eventually im just like... im fucking upset. every few weeks, i drive for more than an hour each way to visit people who live in a town i used to live in. they rarely come see me. i spend money on food and gas when i do this and have to account for it in my monthly budgeting. i stay with people who say they have no plans and want to prioritize us spending time together, but when i get there, they almost always have made separate plans while i'm there that i am not part of, and rarely give me a warning so that i can adjust my schedule or make other plans of my own. i mention that this is an issue, they promise to do better, then they dont. i adjust to texting a few days in advance to check their schedule, and despite doing so,they consistently make or have "forgotten" other scheduling conflicts that they bring up either the night before i drive to visit or when i arrive. thats the scenario, right? this has happened to me before. last time, it was with my high school friends who continued to string me along until i decided that it hurt too much and i slowly backed out of the friendships. no one has reached out since. this time, it's my fucking partners. the main difference is that i have a key to my partners apartment, meaning im not stuck in my car/in parks when they're busy. but thats just so fucked up. especially since my partners used to encourage me to step back from my old friends who were hurting me this way.

im just venting so i can get some of this shit off my chest before i go inside. to my knowledge, one of my partners is inside napping, while the other is in some meeting they didnt tell me about until last night. i dont even know what the fucking meeting is about or where it is.

i dont want to go inside because... what? am i supposed to pretend everything is fine and hide my feelings so they dont feel guilty? thats not fucking fair. if i let my upset show, they're going to act like kicked puppies and im going to feel fucking awkward because i dont want excuses and i dont want groveling or a hundred "im sorrys". i dont want that. i want their fucking behavior to change.

#im genuinely hurt #i was thinking about this for hours last night trying to work through my feelings #and i just spent the whole drive down trying to process this shit and move on #but when i pulled into this parking lot i felt so fucking angry i just had to sit here and write this shit out #ive been here for like 15 minutes now and still havent gone in #tree talks

[nightglider124]

titans fans think they own the dickkory tag but seem to forget that in no way did they invent it. Dickkory has been the ship name for decades for the two characters for the comics. It so happens that other versions of the ship (like titans) have tacked onto dickkory tag to make it easier to enjoy content. Robstar is used solely for the 03 cartoon. I don’t mean to hate, i like titans as well but it comes off as belittling other media forms to prop up others. Ie putting down the cartoon for the show even though they are completely different but still star our favourite dc characters and the reverse as well. I dont get why fans fee the need to be negative like cartoon fans hating on titans - they are completely different but they are both still valid. Just cos you don’t like one of the versions, doesn’t mean they need to be dicks about it. Sorry to vent, night but I see the bullshit on twitter and now here too. Its so stupid.

Sigh. In a way, I feel this, anon. I get what you mean with the end part of that - it is stupid. Titans, 03 show, ttg, dcau, comics… at the end of the day, i stay out of that bs drama with what is better or whatever cos that is childish af.

I very clearly have a favourite version which has always been the cartoon. Its what got me into DC and i grew up with it when fics and fanart were going strong and it was back in the early 2000’s, you know. The good ol’ days. 😂 But, despite that being my favourite, I also really enjoy Titans cos its a gritty version that is aimed at an older audience. I think that is what a lot of fans who prefer comics or the cartoon etc struggle with. I think they lean towards flat out disliking it bc it isn’t what they know and it’s different. There’s nothing wrong with not liking Titans. It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea; hell, i dropped it for s3 bc i was so uninterested in what they were doing by the end of s2. I also did not care for all the side characters taking spotlight over the main ones but I digress. But, keep it out of the fan’s faces, you know?

Its rude and really annoying when you have fans shitting on your good time. Titans has had a good time so far with dickkory and so fans are allowed to enjoy that. The fact that other dickkory fans who dont like Titans are being dicks about it is weird, in my opinion.

Same as, i think fans who try and shit on fans who love the cartoon are lame af. Like so what if its old? So what if it was aimed at younger audiences? So what if you dont like it? Point is, other people do so leave them to enjoy it. My biggest gripe with the cartoon is people saying it was childish considering it actually tackled some deeper topics, despite being a kids show.

Main point here is, people who gatekeep tags and shit are losers. Like, no one owns anything and anyone acting like that is sus, imo.

I get so sick of seeing people fight over different versions of a ship considering at the end of the day, its all the same?? Like dickkory for example. You may not like them in one format but you do in another. Personally, i am so fucking starved for dickkory content, i will take it from anything. Any version is allowed to be in the tag, old or new like jeez.

They are all valid formats if it means i get to see my two idiots in love.

A lot of people hate the DCAU but i really enjoyed those animated movies cos of, you guessed it, dickkory. They showed their relationship so nicely in that. It was wholesome as fuck but was also a little flirty so it was aimed at the adults more so. I think some people see animated stuff and immediately think its shit and childish which literally isn’t the case at all.

The comics are the og sources for these characters and I’ve seen a lot of ‘comic gatekeepers’ moan about other forms of the characters as well through the years. Now, i’ve got knowledge of the comics but im not some purist who has read every single one, more so bc fuck, I can’t keep up and comics contradict all the time cos of dumbass writers (looking at you T*m T*aylor 👀) but, i still appreciate the comics being the thing that started it all off. Without the comics, I wouldn’t have my baby Koriand’r 🥰 so anytime something remotely to do with dickkory comes out in comics, im rooting for it, purely cos i like seeing some form of life for my ship.

TTG is also valid; its silly and fun and that’s okay too. The titans are like a chiller version of the justice league and they are a team that notoriously is a bit less serious in all formats; they still have very serious storylines but they are the younger team ya know? Again, i think thats why a lot of people don’t like TTG either which is FINE but dont be going into ttg tags and mouthing off about how shit you think it is. Like its bad fandom decorum. Personally, I don’t care much for ttg; i did at first. I liked it and watched it regularly but now i just dont. But again, im not out here bitching about how it isnt the og cartoon so its crap or it isnt titans so its stupid.

I didn’t mean to rant like this but I just find it so fucking ridiculous that we’re still at this point in fandom where people can’t just let others enjoy shit. It is pathetic especially when shit like this comes from people who are literally adults like come on ffs. Get a grip.

I will continue to stay in my dickkory bubble, enjoying it in all forms which I advise fans to do lmao, it’s much less annoying and bitter when you just let yourself enjoy your ship In whatever formats there are.

Need I remind people that dickkory, despite being hella popular and loved, hasn’t had anything substantially canon in a long time so if shows like Titans are feeding fans, don’t be a dick and rain on parades. It’s not fair when people just wanna enjoy it and it just makes you an ass.

Sorry, this got hella long lmao. Also, anon, i would avoid twitter. It’s too toxic there, i have found in the past. Though Tumblr has had its moments too and by the sounds of it, people be just as bad here. 🙄

I could literally write a book on this, that’s how many thoughts I have. I’ve been around the DC fandom and dickkory tags for a long time and I can’t believe people still can’t help themselves. Just let people enjoy things all round, ugh! 🤦🏻‍♀️

#i would turn comments off but idk how lmaooo #reblog if ya want #but dont be dicks #please #i cant be bothered with people being douchebags about something so stupid #i dont want arguments over this. like nah fam. #this is why i prefer to stay in my own dickkory lane #like no one is asking you to like any other versions #just be fucking respectful #its not hard #my god #you’d think people would learn that as adults who have been on this hellsite for a long ass time #night notions #nightglider124

[thestickynoteninja92]

I don’t ever post, but at this point I just need to vent or I’m gonna have a break down. Sorry to anyone who knows me.

I’m so fucking tired. Like, deep within my bones, my soul, my atoms, I’m exhausted.

I don’t know what to do at this point. My apartment is unlivable. My medical bills are almost as much as I make in a year. My health is declining and I can’t afford to do anything about it. It feels like things just keep getting worse and there isn’t anything to help.

I’m so so so tired of trying to function like I’m not constantly fighting autistic burnout or meltdown. It takes all my energy just to mask enough that I can survive.

I just want a safe place to live and start a family. Somewhere my rescue turtles can be safe from the thousands of cockroaches that have made my apartment absolute hell.

There are so many of them that I had to put a camping tent over my bed just to sleep. The kitchen is unusable because there are thousands of them. We can’t eat. The complex won’t do anything about it. Our sink was broken for 4 months before they fixed it. I can hear the roaches crawling around at night on the walls. I’ve tried every treatment my lease will allow me to do and they just get worse and worse. Nothing is sealed.

I’ve literally been working more than half of my life now and I still can’t afford groceries. I don’t understand how people are meant to survive if they aren’t born into money.

It’s not like I buy anything other than essentials ever, nor do I want anything extravagant. All my dreams and goals really don’t amount to much. I just want a safe place to exist with a few minor comforts. Like a working freezer. Or to be able to stand still without bugs crawling all over me.

What the actual fuck am I supposed to do?

#vent #housing crisis #infestation #autistic #desperate #need help #exhausted #rant

[weeping-vintage-toes]

I vent way too much on here. Like, I'm sorry, I just need an outlet :,) So I'm venting again - and it's kinda intense. You don't even need to read this.

(Tw: SH & Suicide)

I said in an earlier post that my depression was getting bad again (which is cringe /j). I didn't think it would ever be this bad, though. I am taking care of 2 kids as well as a house cause my mom keeps making excuses on why she's not here. The kids have missed about 2 months of school. It got so bad that the police showed up.

I honestly feel like a failure to my kids. My older brother is a big help, but he's graduating this year. Then, he's moving out right after cause he doesn't wanna be stuck in this shit hole of a home. Can't say I blame him. But that means I'm gonna be stuck here with 2 kids and a house to take care of without a mother figure.

I am failing all except 2 of my classes and can't take care of anyone, not even myself. I can barely even get the energy to wash my face. It's gotten to the point where I only take 1-2 showers a week, when I usually take one every 2-3 days.

I can't cook for shit and the dishes are used up as soon as I wash them. We barely have actual meals cause my mom basically stopped going shopping. She just buys sodas and snacks from the dollar store every week.

I feel like shit all the time, but I can't stop cleaning or doing something around the house cause of how quickly things pile up.

I live with my brother (17), sister (7), cousin (10 m), and mom (if she even counts anymore), and now apparently my aunt is moving in too. I live in a 2 bed 1 bath. There is no room for someone else. I already slept in my moms room with my little sister. (And mom if she's home)

My house is such a shit hole. So, I don't wanna stay there but school is stressful and I cry almost every day there. So, there's literally no escaping my stress and anxiety.

I try and make jokes at school to get away from it all. But it's getting harder and harder to try and keep everything bottled in. I joke about killing myself and shit but sometimes, it genuinely crosses my mind. I would never do it, and those thoughts scare me.

I used to SH about a year ago. It's not some I'm proud of, but it's true. I would like to say I'm clean now, and thankfully, my recovery process was quick. But sometimes I'll catch myself thinking about it. It scares me, but it's happening quite often nowadays.

I have a lot of shit on my plate, and somehow, I'm still supposed to have good grades and stable mental health. My own mother said that I'm definitely not mentally ill. She barely knows who I am anymore.

I'm just so tired. But that doesn't mean I don't have good things in my life. I am so grateful for the two best friends I think I've ever had. They get me through the day, and I love them more than they know. I wish I could let them know just how much I care about them and how much they have impacted my life since I've met them.

I've known one of them for just 2 years, and I only started talking to my boyfriend at the beginning of school. But it feels like I've known them forever. I hope they know how much they really mean to me.

Anyways, sorry for the rant, I've just had those thoughts bottled up for a while and needed to get them out of my system. I've come to find that just talking about my feelings through text is really therapeutic. So that's probably why I talk about my problems so much on here. And it's not like people see these anyways, so it's kinda like my own personal diary that only one other person sees.

So, again, sorry for the long ass rant. I hope you have a lovely night or day. Mwah <3 gn lovelies.

#I tottaly started crying when talking about my friends and how much I love them #I'll keep them all to myself #away from harm #and furries /j #I'll keep them in jars on my shelf

[yagamisdiary]

hey amara! i’m so sorry for venting like this, but i have to let it out somehow so here i am.

im so scared, really. i just found out that i actually like women and i live in a very homophobic household. i don’t think i can ever tell my parents that. i can only see my future with a woman and i only want to love a woman. i don’t know what to do, i cry every night thinking about how my life could be different if i was just straight. i just feel this pain in my heart and i can’t let it go. :( help

ahhh my heart hurts so bad reading this as a queer person myself :(

my parents are EXTREMELY strict and traditional and mexicans are usually more against stuff like that bc of “god” and what not

i’m bisexual and have been for years now and have had intercourse with both genders and i haven’t straight up told my parents i am yet but i know they know

my sister is also bisexual and she came out on instagram and my family (the older gen) talked sooooo bad about her saying she’s going to hell and that she wasn’t raised right blah blah

i had to defend her and say that if she was going to hell then so was i because i was the same way and they got even more pissed

at the end of the day, IT IS YOUR LIFE. if you know deep down in your heart that you could only love a woman, do that. anyone who GENUINELY LOVES U will back you up no matter what. they will respect your decision and support u

my family is pretty judgmental but they eventually just accepted the fact with time once they realized them shaming me and my sister wasn’t going to change anything.

i had a whole deep talk with my dad about the fact that it wasn’t just the fact that i’m attracted to both genders but the fact that i just love whoever i love, it doesn’t matter what body anatomy they have if it’s love, it’s love.

i’m so sorry you feel so unsafe in your own home, i wish i could help you. i’m not sure how old you are but if the day comes and you move out, you’ll feel more at ease and comfortable with being yourself

and like i said, those who TRULY love you will understand and won’t change how they view you. and i hope that the ppl that do judge you, eventually see the wrong in their actions and ask for your forgiveness.

i wish you nothing but happiness and peace, love 💘

[themidnightcleric]

TW death, transphobia, blatant suicidality, ableism, terrible thoughts u should not indulge

vent post

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..I actually don't think no one loves me. I just fundamentally believe they're wrong and will inevitably be disappointed when they discover I am a husk person not a real human being and that's my fate and believe or not most of this is related to ADHD bc I can't fix it or stick with anything and all the meds make me sick so I feel doomed to do fuck all until I rot and die. Every time I get hopeful my body betrays me. Fucking MCAS.

Icannot emphasize enough that I will take myself out of at least run off into the woods to try and live like an animal, if something does not change in the next 2 years to make it possible for me to exist in society. Like getting disability j guess would help. I am a dog. Not a person. I cannot give anymore.

it is not worth living this way. Every day is an endless punishment for all the things I cannot do and at this point the pit is so deep i will not get out.

And so like posting in this way and alienating myself are a way of pushing everyone out but simultaneously hoping somehow the cry for help will reach someone who can genuinely help me. I know this isn't me, this isn't the bigger spirit that animates me speaking this is the thing that wants to kill me, but can't even show itself to the people who say they love me. We have seen too much and the desire to destroy something significant is getting stronger. I guess this is an admission I understand su*cide bombers and crave going out burning a bank or a church or a detention center. simultaneously a desperate plea for someone to show me some kind of other way that isn't this plodding, hesitating half life. Two of my friends before I left my home state told me I should have been dead by now. I know what they meant and it's great I am alive but I don't see a future other than death. It's so close, so intimate. I go to sleep with death every night waiting for her. The funny thing is not many people I know closely have died. If they had it actually might be easier like I could live for them. But instead it feels like I'm the one who is supposed to die. I live with that every day and I know I'm not the only one but with everything that's happening I no longer can believe things will get better. I'm just trying to do as much good as I can before it comes for me. I don't see anyone who really needs me here. Or wants me bad enough to merit staying. Like it's all pipe dreams, could have beens, obligations. Fake. In the clouds.

I haven't been real since I was a kid.

I'm sorry y'all. I'm really sorry. I don't know if it will even matter when it happens. Like a candle burning out. Who is gonna notice beyond another little wave of sad posts. Currently I'll probably be buried by my family as a woman. They'll say it was inevitable. I was always so mentally unwell. Kill me and blame me for it.

I have so many ideas and so much passion but no discipline for it and frankly I feel like a piece of paper god put a sketch on and crumpled up and threw away. Like that episode of Gravity Falls where Dipper clones himself and there's a Glitch Dipper who everyone sort of feels bad for until he dies. Two headed calf. All I have ever tried to be is kind while people saw more in me than I could give or sustain. At least I got to see the stars.

My soul is good but it can't live here on this plane right now. It doesn't want to. All the people I love are fighters who metabolize everything into medicine and power for the future or at least stick around hedonistically. I am not built like that. I find no pleasure in pleasure. I am weak and too fragile to exist by myself and at every turn am reminded of this. I try to play it off as kink or funny but really, I don't think anyone can survive the level of self erasure that my system has developed.

My friend keeps telling me to play Disco Elysium but it's 40 dollars and I have to save all my $ for gas and credit card payment. To be responsible. Why do I even fucking care. I'm scared if I stop caring anymore I will just let go and become fully catatonic.

Hopefully this is rock bottom and somehow I will bounce up into a new perspective tomorrow. I pushed myself into burnout because all this messaging online about Palestine and genocide is like you aren't doing enough and that really really works against my ability to do anything like the PDA I cannot help and have been fighting my whole life to just like, brush my teeth. I can't watch these people beg for help and so many turn away in hatred and then not even make phone calls. I am trying to look for the helpers but I think the fascists want to kill all of us.

It's gonna take a miracle to get through this winter. I wish I could show somebody how desperate I feel. The pills are right there. I never get rid of them. I could do it tonight. But I won't.

I don't know how long you have to scream for help. I don't think it helps anyone. People fall down the spiral. Maybe there is something to live for for others but for me, it's all conjecture. I have full responsibility to bring about everything that I could live for. If I give up, it doesn't happen. If I give up, the good things in this world go on without me. No one ever knew me really. I feel so fundamentally separated & invisible.

I'm mad I feel this way and am wasting my life talent and time. I am tired of being depressed and low key a shitty friend. I am ready for God to take me and use me for some new form of life that has a fighting chance to be something.

If only that weren't just a delusion. I wanted my life to mean something and leave a mark but at the end of the day this voice tells me it's not even worth that, that no one will remember me.

Pathetic. Jesus. How do you fight this.

I'm tired.

I'll keep fighting another day at a time. But there's no way to be okay right now. I have to live with this person the world has made me into and let go of who we could have been with more love.

#my writing #personal

[creune]

Still kicking

And will continue to do so, worry not

Although these messes of rambles are not easy to read grammatically so, sorry about that

It's more emotion that anything else

It just feels cathartic to post them

Hey, maybe someone will see them and find something they can take away from it

Like, small emotional lessions on what's what or just the feeling they aren't alone dealing with certain situations

Or maybe they come to the conclusion that it was a waste of time and eat a sandwich instead

Who knows?

I don't

Anyway, I have been facing a lot of internal stuff lately

One of them being some friends I have or had, I'm not sure anymore

I pulled away from them

I blamed my college classes for never having time to talk in the discord server we had

Still, told them my DMs are always open

And months passed without a single one

Which stings as before I sent a message to each one, in dms, every day

I sent them messages on birthdays, at least to those who had them since, they responded, had a small chat with each and back to radio silence

I have also gained to my tally

Guess how many remembered?

We were friends for a couple years, mind you

I can live with that

I have emotionally just, disctanced myself from them

Didn't leave the server, probably won't for a while

Can't be bothered

Also at least I have an easy way to check up on them once or twice a month

I never talk tho

I just, can't bring myself to it

I don't want to deal with all that emotional bullshit and talking people down and call me selfish but I am just tired of that

I'm tired of never having the option to feel my own emotions, to talk about what's bothering me, not even on bad days just to listen to one of them rant and bash and pushing me to the edge on purpose (admitted by one clear as day ib a message lost under a flurry of others, buried under issues and vents and judgement

I can't hate them, or feel even any negative about them tho

I mean, they were kids with serious issues

And I was another kid trying to help them

But one day I just

Snapped

It has been building and building for so long, as I held onto the happy memories, before stuff and things began to happen, before I had to question "is everyone else truly the problem or am I just so blinded?"

But at one point, I just had enough

I fully disconnected myself

I talked only once since then, and cut that short as well

One person did message me, but it was more about them wanting to rent than an actual conversation

It always was

But then again, what can you do?

I got tired of being angry, of being bitter, of dancing near the edges of breaking down but having to push through "just one more day", keep it together for "one more day", thex need you right now so keep it in for "one more day"

Biggest lie I told myself

It was the foolish belief that maybe the next will be my turn to finally let stuff out

Didn't know any better

Still don't

Probably never will

Taking up space was never something I could do without guilt

I just wish I ran at the first signs of trouble

But I was too naive

Believing that "hey, stuff happens, but everything will be okay", repeating the same mantra of "just be patient, you'll find your out, there's light" until it became something hollow

Something I could no longer believe

Something that kept me going to

All losing its meaning after so many repeating

Day after day after day, it became more and more empty until I no longer said it because I believed, but because I had to

I had to and I did

And people were willing to wait "just a little longer" to see if I was right

It worked, and that's what it needed to do

And as long as they were willing to try, that was enough for me

But there comes a point where you have to realize

That while others were willing to try, that even if they were hopeless, they were willing to humor you, because really, they felt they had nothing to loose, that after many late nights, a couple of severe cases of barely any sleep

You yourself don't have anyone to pull you back

You lost yourself trying to anchor others so bad, there's nothing left to keep yourself steady

So I became angry, and bitter

I was still joking around but I seethed on the inside

Because the "one more day" never came

It was more of the same, the same conversations, the same issues you cannot help, the same things of complaining but never acting yet waiting for a miracle

Waiting for the light to dig itself through a cavern

And I just couldn't get them to start digging up

It seems so simple, isn't it

"if you get angry by xyz, don't engage"

"starvation is bad for you, so is sleep deprivation"

"get off twitter if you think it's a cesspool"

Not doing anything yet expecting results, for other people to do the work for them

It gets grating after a while

And yet I tried

And the more I tried, the more I got burried myself

At some point I had to realize that I need to dig or I will be burried alive

That's how it felt

Being burried under so many people's issues and traumas and bad habits

I don't wanna knock on anyone who is struggling with trauma, mental issues, abuse

I know it's not an easy journey

I'm just hoping most of you realize that every journey starts by taking a single step, then another

And not by sitting and watching the end of a road, waiting for it to get closer

It will only slip farther

And again

I don't hate these people

They were my friends for a good while

But, I just couldn't keep going the way I was

I was too weak to walk with other people's bags, catching them when they fell, when whenever I slipped, no one would catch me, or help me up

Sometimes when people tell you that your efforts are worthless in their eyes because it's not enough proof you care, it kills you inside

Sometimes when you have to crisis manage at night while everyone is panicking, knowing full well you can't expect anyone to help, not because they can't, but because, after having been through the exact same song and dance so many times before, they still can't make a difference between a small issue or a real threat, you just learn to keep your own emotions to yourself, to read off of a script of "it's gonna be fine"

When the issues you do share are publicly turned against you, even if shared in private, or they are brought up to show that humans are inherently cruel, you start to believe it, that you don't deserve help or attention

Sometimes you just, want a shoulder to cry on ober losing family or over the fears of uncertainty and when they get brushed under the rug, you start feeling truly alone

I called them friends, because they were

But I can't even get myself to talk in that server, because of the fear, the anger, the resentment I still feel

The feeling if being used

I know I should have left earlier, before I got fed illusions, but I was blind to it until I couldn't take it anymore

There's nothing for me there anymore

And call me selfish, as I am, but I would like to live a happy life

A life where I can genuinely smile, be happy, play games or read or be away from my phone without guilt

I want to live my life free, I want to live my life happy

And call me selfish, but I don't care anymore

I can't bring myself to care

They sure as hell never did for me

So why would I bother for those who would let me sink?

I finally know who my true friends are, the people who truly care for me, who love me

Two were by my side all along, supporting me, listening, working together, all of us, so none of us would get left behind

One has entered my life and shook it up to hold me by my hand and show me what love is, showed me how to smile again, to have hope again

I just needed to let this out

So I can truly, genuinely believe it when I say

"It's going to be okay"

[thegrievingcandle]

What are you grieving?

I grieve for my younger self who wasn't given the help, tools, or support I needed. I grieve the loss of those who were once close. I grieve what could have been in those relationships. Therapy has been doing great for me. I've realized new things about how I grew up and the scope of what I was really lacking in a relationship with my parents- emotional consistency, actively being there to generalize. I've learned I have a tendency to shoulder more blame on my shoulders than I should, that lengthy explanations about myself are actually trauma responses. I also tend to gaslight myself into excusing other's behavior due to their own traumas and experiences. I grieve that I didn't get this help sooner. So much more of my life could have been made better had I the tools to more effectively learn of myself and others. We're on the path to healing though, even in such a short time I've learned so much I'm already putting into practice. I don't usually give myself a pat on the back, but I've learned I should do that more often. I'm proud of myself. Apologies if this is too much, but I'd like to vent now. I just have this ever-changing of emotions, from deep sadness to visceral anger because I know things could have been better, but they're not. The door is still there, it's closed, but it's not locked for everyone. I don't hate them, I'm mad and hurt and disappointed, but at the end of the day it's because I cared, because they were my friends. Honestly, the fact that the door is even there still baffles me a bit. I miss them everyday. I see bats, or frogs, or gudetama, or cool outfits and builds. I'll see reminders everywhere. It still hurts, but all that matters in the end was the love that was there. I've given myself more opportunities to feel my emotions, and I've probably cried more within the past few months than I have the past decade or so. I feel there's no trust there, and hasn't been for a few years. I was called friend, yet not trusted to be talked to about important things. I imagine this entire experience has been validating to our worst fears. I finally chose against that fear, and got myself out of that response to isolate. I'm tired of letting those fears and traumas control me, I choose to be better. I take responsibility for my actions, for my failures, and I shoulder what I am accountable to- no excuses, no justifications. I just....at the end of the day, I was afraid of being alone. I rarely ever asked for that reassurance, but I needed it. I was told "we aren't going anywhere" and I wish I had believed that then. But even though we are no longer on speaking terms, I believe them now. What kind of friend would I be to not believe the genuine reassurance my friend was providing me? My intentions were not ill, but I still hurt people and for that I'm sorry. Intentions alone do not make things okay, I just wish I could have been told sooner. Maybe things would be different, maybe they wouldn't. I wish I could go back with what I have now. Had I actually been in the conversation with everyone, I know a lot of needless misunderstandings could have been avoided. A lot of needless pain would not be there, no words left unsaid. I hope they know the scope as to how much they messed up, just as I know I messed up. Despite the venom in their words, the assumptions made of me with nothing but malice, despite being cast aside and forced into isolation exactly where I was four years ago, despite the checklist of every time I wronged them, despite the ultimatum of shut up or no second chances, despite never being asked why- I'm still willing to talk to them, and I forgive them for their many mistakes in this. I deserved better, I am worth the effort. But that effort needs to be made together. I hope they never treat anyone like this again, and if they do, I hope that person is not all the things they say I am. I wish them nothing but happiness- they deserve much love, safety, and a good night's rest.

#asks #I'm not sure who this is #but I sincerely hope you're doing well

[wiw3]

The Sudden Realization That I’m Worse Off Than I Thought; A Day Late, Apology Short

Hey... so you remember how I was struggling pretty heavily with drug-addiction for the earlier part of this year and acted like everything was okay on them because they made me feel like everything was okay without having to earn it? Yeah... I’m almost convinced that it was the direct cause of my psychotic, friendship-ending mental break... I know it wasn’t the sole cause, but a cocktail of that, losing everything good in your life, and pre-existing mental conditions... I’m not surprised it happened, anymore...

The problem with recognizing that schism is that I’ve already accepted responsibility for it as a choice I consciously made. It felt different than my last... suicidal rant. I felt more... conscious. I felt more in control, despite knowing that I was firing a gun with an excruciatingly-high fire-rate, I kept firing. I’ve been a person who hasn’t compromised on his ideals. I’m trying to find the catalyst for what caused me to really fire off...

I’ve landed on withdrawal, since I’d basically been high for the last five months prior to this one. May 30th was the day I ran out, and regular supply stopped being a thing, so I told myself I’d quit cold turkey. The idea of this substance being the catalyst for my ability to say some of the most cruel things I’ve ever said to another human being is enough to bring me to tears in it’s own right.

I hate the idea of feeling so powerless over it, but I’m hoping once my brain stops craving it, I’ll be okay... I mentioned during my tirade considering stealing my father’s prescription Oxycodone medication for his back surgery, (which I never did, but the thought crossed my mind when the pain was getting unbearable in my head.) and how mentally declined I really had become, relapsing and backsliding into something I couldn’t control.

I’m getting more and more of a grip every day, but I know that last night is the worst light you can ever see another human being in, and I am ashamed and sorry to each and every one of my friends, for allowing myself to be seen like that, and more importantly for behaving the way I did, especially to someone who’s only ever come to me with love in their heart. And now I’m crying again, but it’s my fault, so I’m not going to make it anyone’s problem.

I’m going to log off for a while, I don’t deserve a journal to vent to if I use it to vent about me being so cruel and then regretting it. That’s not fair, it’s betraying you, your desire to read this, my friends, the love I have for them... It’s undercutting my belief in my own sanity, clarity, and image.

I’m back to just wanting everything to feel okay, even though I know it won’t. I’m reverted to that copacetic, writhing mass that won’t stop fidgeting. The pile of sludge that isn’t okay unless everyone around me is okay, and I’m even less okay if the everyone around me are miserable due to something I’ve done, and this time it is, because I have, and my brain is melting down because of it.

I’ve lost all indignance, I’ve lost all irritation, I’ve been reduced to my basest elements, which is just a guy who wants other people to like him, and I don’t know how to get there, anymore. What I thought was mania has an excruciatingly-painful case for simply being “withdrawal”, and I can’t go back and try to explain that, now... I can’t go back with my tail between my legs like that, not because I don’t think I’ll be believed (but hear me when I say that I’ve accepted the consequences of not being believed), but because I chose to get hooked on it. Everything that has happened is a direct result of my selfish choices, wanting everything to feel okay, but valuing that feeling above everyone else actually being okay, is not okay.

The logging-off thing might be a lie, because this is the only place where there’s a chance someone hears me screaming into the void, and if I didn’t socialize like this (which is to say, the bare minimum), I wouldn’t do anything social, I haven’t been outside in weeks.... and I just threw my last real source of love into the garbage... I miss them, but it’s my fault they’re gone... This is consuming me. More later, maybe.

#depression #tw drugs #tw abuse #potentially triggering #narcissism #withdrawal #drugs mention #drugs #friends #self destructing post #self destruction #new post #blog post #writing #tw suicide #sorry for the rant