#I drew this cause i was mad people were drawing her skinny | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kinghoranshit · 3 years

Text

The Watchers (1D) - 72 Hours

Part 4

“We’re gonna die,” Zayn declared. "We are fuckin dead."

I reached out to lightly hit him on the arm and I signaled everyone to stay quiet. Whoever managed to turn off the security system and power knew we were in the bunker somewhere, but didn’t know where. We still had the upper hand for the time being. There were pretty good odds that it would flip sides though.

“Stay here,” I whispered.

My right hand hovered over the switch knife as I got up from where I was crouched. I let out a deep breath and made my way down the hall to the front. Slowly, I pulled the knife and pressed the button to open it. There weren’t any shadows that I could see from where I stood; they were probably trying to draw us out.

Hunters could be so stupid.

From the corner of my eye, I saw movement upstairs. Carefully, I went up the steps and peeked around the wall. There in plain sight was a hunter looking into the bedrooms. I crept up as close as I could get, then wrestled them into the nearest bedroom. I held them in a sitting-lock position with my legs holding down theirs and my arms under their pits.

“How many more?” I questioned.

They didn’t budge so I tightened up on my arms and positioned the knife close to their neck. “I said… How many more?”

“Too many,” they chuckled. “You’ll lose.”

I laughed under my breath. “You underestimate me, clearly. Give me a number… Or don’t, you’re dying either way.”

It took another minute or so of me tightening my grip before they huffed, “Fifteen.”

“Thanks,” I grunted and sliced their throat with the thin blade. Their body rolled around as they frantically tried to stop the flow of blood. I shook my head with a small smirk. Enjoy the slow death, fuckhead.

A group of sixteen, eh? Of course they managed to find us. Sixteen people splitting that prize money? They all wouldn’t have to work for the rest of their lives.

I didn’t bother wiping the dark liquid off the tip and made my way back downstairs. There was a creak that came from the living room and I wished that the layout had been more closed off now. Whoever it was definitely saw them.

It wasn’t hard to miss the tall figure holding an axe; they looked into the kitchen from where they stood in the living room. All of them had gotten up from their chairs, prepared to run, but when they saw me they didn’t. I held a finger up to my lips as I snuck up behind.

“Fucking do something!” Liam yelled, and I cursed. What a fucking moron.

The figure whipped around and growled at the sight of me. “A Watcher.”

“In the flesh,” I smugged.

Immediately, they tried to throw the axe at my head. I ducked as I ran, then slid between their legs and hopped onto their back. I dug the knife into one of the main airway valves in the neck before they grabbed my shoulders and chucked me across the room.

I coughed at the loss of air in my chest and cautiously got up from the shards of glass that were the remnants of the coffee table. I felt the cuts stinging my skin, but didn’t have the time to mull them over. The figure returned with the axe and stalked toward the guys, despite the knife that stuck out. I can’t imagine that feels great.

I launched and latched onto their body. I kicked the hand that held the weapon to get them to drop it. Then I drew a handgun with a silencer on it and shot them in the foot, then the head; double tap.

“Two down, fourteen left,” I remarked, no sense of relief, and began to assess the bits in my arms. The vest and crossbow prevented any larger incisions.

“How many?” Niall deadpanned and lowered himself into a chair.

“That was… fucking awesome.” Louis laughed. Despite everything? I’m not surprised.

I glared at Liam. “You want to yell again? Let them know exactly where we’re at?”

He made that kill a lot harder than it should’ve been.

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in response.

“Katie, let me sterilize those cuts.” Maddy opened her kit and found rubbing alcohol. Arguably my least favorite thing to apply to an injury.

“No, I’m fine.” I shook my head and gestured to her to put it away. “Save it for them.”

The ringing in my ears returned and I swallowed. The whites of everyone’s eyes were apparent in the dark and it was unsettling, but as long as I saw six of them grouped together, I was doing my job.

I heard the death star whisk past before there was a cry of pain.

“Fuck... My fucking side! What the fuck?”

“Under the table!” I ordered and shoved chairs out of the way. Harry helped me drag Louis underneath, and Harry had to hold him down to stop his shaking. The steel star had ripped through his clothes and flesh to create a gash that was grossly deep.

“Maddy,” I clenched between my teeth.

“I’m on it,” she replied and used the only towel she had to soak up what blood she could. I watched her do a process of using a lighter to crust the sides of the skin to stop the staunch flow before I set my focus on taking care of the new hunter.

There were two actually, and one of them brought it upon themselves to crouch down and reach for Niall who was closest.

“Ah, help! Katie!” He kicked as much as he could, but that didn’t stop them of course.

I threw a switch knife into one of their hands and shot the exposed chest with a bullet, then their forehead; always double tap. I didn’t get to the other fast enough as a bullet plunged into Niall’s arm, causing some blood to splatter onto Maddy’s back. Her stance didn’t falter in the slightest as she finished Louis and put herself in line of fire to get Niall.

These hunters had terrible aim. Something told me they probably weren’t the real threat out of their group. I threw my body into their skinny legs to throw them off balance and wrestled my way up to shoot them in the heart twice.

Twelve.

I took a couple deep breaths to slow my racing heart. I pulled my blade out of the dead hand to put it away, and reloaded my handgun before holstering it.

Niall whimpered in frustration and bit his curse words as Maddy finished digging the bullet out. I felt for him, but a bullet into the arm wasn’t the worst damage; it was child’s play to be honest.

Louis grimaced in pain from where he continued to lay, sweat coated his face and neck. He was definitely out; there was no way he could run if we needed to. I guess the kitchen was our base for the remainder of the purge. I needed to gather their weapons and get more ammo from the vault.

"Katie?" he rasped.

"Louis, save your breath." He would need to get safer medical attention if he survived.

He barely shook his head. "N-no… I l-love… you."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Louis, this is not the time to confess love. We still barely know anything about each other. Don't be cliche." Maybe I felt it too, but it really wasn’t the time.

"A fucking Watcher, eh?"

I huffed and looked in their direction. "You bet your fucking ass. If you want them, you'll have to go through me."

"Gladly."

They made a running start at me with their weapon of choice; a machete. A classic. I chucked my switch into their privates before drawing my gun to put two bullets in their chest and head.

Eleven.

This sending one or two in at a time is a different method, especially for a large group. I can only guess they thought it would be more terrorizing. It would be if I didn't know their count. To be completely fair, that first hunter could’ve been lying to me. It was a number to focus on though.

"Harry, if we have to move, I need you to carry Louis. Niall, here is my other gun. I need to get more ammo."

I didn't wait for a response as I pulled the knife out from my last kill and kept it in my palm. I flipped it around in my hand as I went to the closest vault; the hallway closet. I decided to take another gun on top of the ammunition. A yell from the living room had me sprinting.

I couldn’t help laughing at the sight of another hunter stuck in a bear trap. It snatched his ankle pretty good.

“You’re a fucking moron,” I stated as I held my gun to their head and pulled the trigger. Then I put another in their heart.

Ten.

Quickly, I pulled their ankle out of the claws and reset it before I went back to the table. I gave Niall more ammo and reloaded my own. Then I grasped my crossbow and loaded it up with three arrows.

“Okay, as far as I know there’s ten left. They’re probably saving best for last so I beg of you, listen to me, okay?”

All of them nodded. My eyes switched back to Louis and his eyes were barely open.

“Maddy is there anything else you could do for Louis?”

“I’ve got proper surgical gear and anesthetics in my room. If I can get up there, I could get it cleaned up better and resew it, and give him a good ass high to numb the pain.”

I smirked. “Deal. I’ll go first. Niall, I need you to hold down the fort here.”

“Are you mad?” Liam remarked. “You can’t leave us alone. Niall just only started to shoot that weapon.”

I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes. “You really want your bandmate to die from his wound? Niall has a pretty good shot. You’ll be fine and if you feel so inclined to protect your own life, there’s a machete or axe right there.”

Thankfully, the trip to get Maddy’s bag was uneventful. I even got a glance out the open door and there was nothing out there. It was definitely unsettling.

She stuck a needle of some anesthetic in Louis’s arm first before she began to clean it up once more. There was no way that wasn’t going to leave a mean scar. A great story for the future.

I took the liberty to sanitize my own scratches and it was now I felt the cut on my cheek. There was blood in my mouth. I only wiped it away and used some gauze to cover it up. I popped a couple pills to subside the pain that my adrenaline had been hiding. It’s been quiet for a while. I hated that.

My head snapped up at the noise of more whispers that weren’t the voices of our group. Slowly, I stood and made my prepared aim with my crossbow. It was time to get multiple in one. I followed them down the main hallway into the other room that was opposite of the living room by the front.

“Tell your friends I say hi,” I stated and when they turned around in slight surprise, I pulled the trigger. The metal heads went straight into their necks, then I grabbed my pistol to get one in the head and the other in the heart.

Eight.

“Kat! They came from the back!” Niall yelled and then were the sound of a shot. Who knew if that was Niall or them. Considering no one is yelling in pain, I had a good guess that it missed the intended target.

I snatched the arrows and felt the little splatters of hot liquid on my hands. I restrung them and ran for the kitchen. I barely took the time to aim before I pulled the trigger and missed.

“Fuck!” I muttered.

This time I chucked the crossbow at their head and made a run start to kick them in the chest with both feet. I sprung back up and used my switched blade to slice their neck.

Seven.

I loaded up the crossbow again and strung it across my back. I observed everyone. We were still in the same state as before. They waited longer that time before they sent more in, but now they were coming in more than one way. We needed to hydrate, and maybe eat something. Luckily the refrigerator still had bottles of water in it.

“Drink up,” I ordered and tossed everyone a bottle before I took my own.

“Kat, let me take a look at the cut on your face.”

I looked at Maddy with a small smile. “It’s fine. There’s seven left, at least that’s the number I’m down to. How’s Louis?”

I overlooked the exhausted group; Louis was better, but he needed to be in a real hospital facility after this. I couldn’t help reaching out to lightly touch his fingers.

She shrugged. “He can’t lose any more blood, but what he lost initially is enough. If the wound opens back up, or he gets another, he won’t survive.”

I let out a deep breath. “Okay.”

His fingers tightened around mine a little as his eyes reopened to glossily gaze at me. A little smirk crossed his lips. “We will manage, love.”

I smirked back with a shake of head. I opened up my bottle of water and took another sip. I had to be careful not to drink it too fast.

“Niall, how’s the arm?”

Niall laughed under his breath. “Better than ever… Never thought that I’d actually be shot.”

“No one does,” Harry remarked with a small scoff.

Zayn raised his eyebrows. “You said there’s seven left?”

I nodded. “That’s what I’ve counted.”

“Do you think the others will come?” Liam asked.

“I don’t know, but part of me doesn’t like that we’re sitting ducks now. We should try to figure out how to get the power back on.”

“What about the breaker?” Maddy suggested.

Niall pointed to her. “Oh yeah, I think I saw it in the basement.”

My jaw tightened as I thought. We might be safer in the basement. Less entrances, they’d have to look a little harder to find us… maybe, the basement might be the first place the next ones think to look. It was still better than this kitchen. And if we could get the power back on, that meant the security system would reboot itself. My watch said it was four am; we just needed to make it another four hours.

I cleared my throat. “Let’s go. Everyone.”

As we all began to get up and make our way to the basement, there was an arrow that shot down the main hallway and stuck into Liam’s leg. His cries were louder than either of the rest who were injured.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

I used my own crossbow to aim and fire toward the figure that was standing on the front porch. I aimed once more and shot another before I drew my pistol as I crept closer. They were dead.

Six.

It was then, though, I knew I made my greatest mistake of the entire purge.

I swallowed and held my breath lowly as I saw the rest of the hunters surrounding me outside. My dad's words rung in my head, I could run and probably lose them. But I couldn't leave the boys and Maddy like that; I was assigned to protect them, at whatever cost that may be.

“Kat?” Niall called. “Everything alright?”

I nodded. “Just go, I’ll be there soon.”

There was hesitation before he and Zayn helped Liam move downstairs. Harry, Louis, and Maddy were already downstairs. I waited until I heard the door close to assess my situation more. There were one on each of my sides, another machete and gun, and four on the ground, stars, two guns, and knives. I definitely needed to take out the two closest to me and make sure none of the groundies make it up the porch stairs.

“Before we kill you, we have an offer. Help us kill them. You’ll live and maybe we’ll give you a cut of the prize money.”

I snorted as I looked the hunter with the machete up and down. They were playing with it; spinning it around in their hand. As if that was meant to scare me. A machete was one of the least scary weapons imaginable. There weren’t many weapons that did cause my skin to crawl; it was being at complete uneven odds. I could say, though, that I was at my best fighting game when the risks were high.

“Hmm, let me think about that… No.”

I ducked to dodge a bullet and rolled toward them. I threw my switchblades into the leg and stomach of the machete. Then I grabbed the ankle of the pistol with my feet before I gripped their shirt and tossed them over the railing. I couldn't forget about the stars; those were more deadly than a bullet wound.

“Get ready to lose a limb!” The machete was swung at me and I dove between their legs to avoid it.

“You know, if you’re trying to kill me, announcing your attack isn’t the smartest strategy.” I drew my pistol to use the last of two shots to put a bullet in their forehead. I made my double tap and quickly switched out the packets before I ripped my bows out of the kill that led me here and loaded my crossbow. I ducked down behind the railing for a little bit of protection as I thought of my next move.

Five.

Something grazed my ear and I bit on my lip. The fucking stars. I didn’t have to touch that area to know I probably had a chunk missing and it was bleeding.

Here we fucking go.

I launched myself over the railing and made a rolling stop before I aimed my crossbow and my arrows serrated the skin of two hunters; stars and a gun. Actually, one of my arrows went through their eye socket. I could see the sun rising behind them. I counted my breaths with my steps as I continued to take their attacks.

I lost my pistol from one of them hitting me and I was now relying on a little bit more hand on hand combat. I did take a good couple punches to the face, which definitely reopened the cut on my cheek, and to my kidney, and a small paring knife in my shoulder. I used the knife hunter as a shield when the stars decided to throw another my way and they tore part of their mate’s arm.

The sound of their pain-filled cries was like music to my fucking ears.

I took a knife from their stash and silenced them in one go. Then chucked it into the star's heart area to end them finally. They’d all had larger statures; I wasn’t surprised since they were the last of the litter.

Finally, I was down to one. The hunter I’d thrown over the railing. They’d joined the fight, but began to back off when their numbers started to drop. Slowly, I gripped my crossbow and loaded it with bloody gut arrows. My hands looked disgusting right now. I’m sure the rest of my body didn’t look any better. It was a mixture I couldn’t wait to wash off later.

I licked my lips before I aimed it in their direction and cocked my head. “Last one, eh?”

“I will leave. The money doesn’t mean that much to me. I was just doing this for shits and giggles.” They shook their head and raised their hands in the air.

“I’m not laughing,” I remarked and pressed the trigger.

Zero.

I sighed as I scoured the area, to make sure they were really the last one. I gathered my gear before I went inside, noting the lights were back on. Instantly, I shut the door and was grateful to hear the mega lock click. Then I let myself finally fall to the floor in fatigue and I closed my eyes momentarily. It wasn’t long as all the injuries pulsed at once and I grimaced at the most prevalent one; my shoulder.

“Maddy!” I yelled. “I need you.”

There were heavy footsteps that came from under me before the basement door burst open to reveal Niall, Zayn and Maddy.

“Oh my god! Kat!” she exclaimed, immediately beginning to attend the small sustained injuries.

“You… You fought with a knife in your shoulder?” Niall lightly gasped.

“Well,” I grunted deeply as I held down my arm and Maddy slowly pulled it out. “You never pull out a knife if you don’t know what it possibly hit. Trust me… I’ve had worse.”

Zayn gestured in the direction of out front. “How many did you fight out there?”

“Six… There’s none left.”

“Fuck, mate,” he breathed.

I couldn’t stop the tears that slid down my cheek while Maddy finished wrapping it up. Now, she attended the cuts on my face and cringed when she looked down at my leg.

I cleared my throat. “What is it?”

“Kat, you had a death star hit the side of your thigh.”

“I, uh… I don’t remember that one happening.” I willed myself to look down and didn’t bat an eye at the sight of my own shredded up skin, the black particles of my leggings mixed in. “Can you get that cleaned up?”

“I’m gonna-I’m gonna go back downstairs. I can’t take any more of this,” Niall announced and fled to the safety of the basement.

Zayn pointed in that direction. “Uh, me too…”

I snorted. “How’s Liam’s leg?”

Maddy shook her head. “I’d say it was equivalent to Niall’s bullet wound.”

“So… nothing?”

Both of us laughed. I waited patiently while she finished, then helped me stand up. Walking would not be a cake walk until it healed in the upcoming months. We limped to the kitchen and eyed the bodies that littered the floor, along with broken glass and weapons.

“Should we move them elsewhere?” Maddy asked. I was shocked with her directing that question to me, considering I knew this wasn’t her first purge.

“Let’s wait until the purge has been called, then we’ll toss them outside.” In the off chance that there were more outside, we needed to keep that front door closed. It registered that two of them had come from the backside entrance and I went to find the culprit exit to close it off, resetting the bear trap.

Maddy left to I assume go get the rest to come back up stairs as they all resurfaced. Liam’s expression was less than thrilled, though it softened after he took in my current state. I only rolled my eyes; he didn’t deserve a better response to his behavior.

Despite not opening the front door, I still directed everyone who could to move the bodies in a more fashioned pile and sweep up all the broken glass; we didn’t need anymore avoidable injuries.

Everyone collapsed into their own chair while Louis laid on the couch. I looked down at my watch and felt all the relief of the world. There was only one minute left.

The blue hue filled the living room and my eyes scanned the hologram of Rump. “I am here to announce that the 100th year of the bounty purge is now over. No more violence may commence. There will be consequences if you choose to do so… Officials will be stopping by to take count of those who haven’t already been turned in. Until next year.”

There was a small flash before it returned to the normal lighting. Not that we needed it anymore, we could open up the windows for more natural light.

“So… who wants breakfast?” Harry asked with a small smile and clapped his hands once as he stood.

Next and last: The End

[Masterlist]

#one direction #1D #one direction fanfiction #one direction fic #1D fanfiction #1D fic #niall horan #harry styles #louis tomlinson #zayn malik #liam payne #action #comedy #purge #bounty #bounty purge #The Watchers

1 note · View note

tessatechaitea · 4 years

Text

Batman #87

James Tynion IV and Guillem March team up to make me stop buying Batman.

Part of me just wants to write "UGH!" and be done with reviewing this comic book. But another part of me is hungry. But still another part of me, the one that is against just typing "UGH!", is outraged that I just paid five dollars for a regular issue of Batman because of a stupid glossy and thick cover and that part of me demands that I vent more fully. And yet that's not even why I'm fucking livid! That's just my first and most shallow complaint! I'd prefer if DC Comics just gave me a regular issue of Batman with a regular comic book cover and simply printed on that cover, "We know this is the exact same quality comic book that we'd sell for $3.99 usually but it has Batman in it which means it will sell way more copies than the other issues we sell and we want that sweet, sweet extra dollar per issue windfall!"

Complaint #2: The Riddler believes that a riddle without a solution is the greatest riddle.

Never mind that Guillem March drew The Riddler naked while he's thinking about the greatest riddle ever while on weapons grade amphetamines and he has no visible erection. That's a minor side complaint that I simply assume was on everybody's list of things wrong with this issue. But the revelation that James Tynion IV doesn't understand the concept of riddles is beyond criticism. It's post-critical! The entire purpose of a riddle is that it has a fucking clever answer! A riddle with no answer is a mystery and The Riddler isn't called The Mysteryer! A riddle with no answer is something The Mad Hatter might be into but not The Riddler, Mr. Scott-Snyder-Lite IV! And before some Riddler-loving cuck nerd decides to argue that what Tynion meant was that The Riddler loves a super duper challenging riddle, let me say this: "Then he should have fucking wrote that in the dialogue, shouldn't he have? Not that a 'riddle with no solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' But 'a riddle with a fucking super tough and challenging solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' Now go jerk off to your tepid Riddler sex role play Tumblr blog." Just an aside about my use of the word 'cuck': it's just fucking funny to use! The only good thing the terrible incel Internet community (unless I mean the MRA community (unless I mean the PUA community (it probably doesn't matter. They probably mostly share the middle area in a Venn diagram))) has done for this world is to bring back the insult "cuck." I don't even care about using it in the historically accurate way! I don't actually care if Riddler fans' spouses have a little extra side of ass on the down low. It's just fun to say! Plus, if you say it to the kind of person who actually thinks "cuck" is a scathing insult, they get super fucking angry when called one! It's Goddamned hilarious.

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Riddler.

Yes, yes. March fixes my whole "The Riddler doesn't have a visible erection" problem from the first scan by implying one with his Riddle Wand here. But the main problem is why did March think The Riddler suddenly needed to look like Bernie Wrightson's Anton Arcane? The Riddler has always just been a skinny creep who was so into getting punched in the face by a muscular man in a bat costume that he planted clues that would ensure it happened. But I guess March has decided that his obsession needed to be mirrored in his physical appearance? Or is it a kind of pervasive attitude that Batman is such a scary and serious fucking cartoon hero that his villainous gallery of rogues has to be just as wickedly serious and horrific? Sometimes it feels like fans still feel as if the Batman television show was some kind of pernicious poison that, to this day, needs continual application of anti-toxin. "Batman isn't silly and his villains shouldn't be either," scream the rabid base of comic book fans that take this shit way too seriously. Hey! Fuck you! I'm angry for valid reasons and not stupid comic book fan reasons! Don't try to use my own words against me!

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Penguin.

See my previous argument for Complaint #2. Although there's a history of making The Penguin as creepy and fucked up as possible because nobody needs the image of Burgess Meredith playing The Penguin to already come to the conclusion that a short dapper fat man with a bird obsession isn't the most intimidating villain, even with the mob attitude and homicidal tendencies.

Complaint #4: Batman and Catwoman's banter.

My main complaint with this conversation is that Batman and Catwoman never once argue about whether they met on a boat or on the street. I thought that was how they always began conversations! Also, they don't call each other "Bat" and "Cat." I'm sure a lot of people are thrilled about this change. But to me, it's a slow reset to getting them back to a relationship that denies the strength of their love and commitment to each other. They're slipping back into professional modes of communication! Next thing you know, we'll find out that Alfred didn't really die! It was Clayface the entire time and Alfred simply let people believe he was dead so he could have a peaceful vacation for once in his long life of servitude to an obsessed man-boy with too much money. Okay, that's enough poking fun at Tom King and the people who hated Tom King. I'm sure I'll get my fill of the Bat/Cat relationship whenever King's Bat Loves Cat comic book comes out. Let me be serious about my complaint in this paragraph (although not the kind of serious where I'm a comic book fan taking shit too seriously! The kind of "serious" where I pretend to be in an apoplectic rage which convinces a number of casual readers into thinking things like "This fucking Lobo fanboy wants to fuck Lobo in the face" and "Why is this nerd so obsessed with Supergirl's butthole? Can't he get a real woman down at the real club where he probably dances like a fucking dreamboat?"). Batman is supposed to be the World's Greatest Detective and yet he engages in stupid retorts like "What makes you think I don't have that device?" You fucking imbecile! What makes her think that was expressly stated by Catwoman when she said you wouldn't have needed to ask her if she was still with the body! Also, even Batman can't have that technology because it would take magic to use that technology and Batman is against magic which is why he keeps Kryptonite on hand to defeat Superman instead of the Ace of Winchesters. Side Complaint #4: Guillem March draws asses in the uncanny valley. He wants you to know they're sexy asses that do more than poop and fart. But he tries too hard to make them sexy and they fall into the uncanny valley of sexy asses. Those are asses where you go, "No, no. I can see that that ass is sexy but I am not in any way going to put my tongue into it." Complaint #5: The villains' plan is so complex that it relies on things that couldn't have been planned for happening. This is a standard complaint of mine and such a comic book trope that I probably should have gotten over being upset by it twenty years ago. I suppose it's why I stopped reading comic books for ten of those twenty years though. A bunch of assassins planned to get caught so that one of them could escape so that Batman would be distracted by that one while the others escaped. Batman falls for it although this time there's a twist to a plan so well planned that it works no matter what the hero does: this plan was stolen! This plan was originally the Penguin's plan and he recognized it when the first part fell into place: five assassins came to Gotham and were caught by Batman. Yeah, see? That was part of this stupid plan! So at least The Penguin is going to interfere with this awesome plan. Although, being that the plan was so well planned, the person who stole the plan probably planned for The Penguin to recognize the plan and to interfere. So The Penguin interfering is probably now part of the overall plan.

Complaint #6: Batman builds a prison that even he can't get out of which means Deathstork gets out of it immediately.

Every time, right? Every time a hero does something that is super duper foolproof to the nth degree of foolproofness, they get fooled! Fool the DC villains once, shame on the DC villains. Fool the DC Villains twice, and, well, you know what? That's never actually happened because they've never actually been fooled once. They only get fooled in the ultimate issue of a story arc when the hero decides maybe they should redouble their efforts and buck up their willpower and believe in themselves slightly more than they did in the previous five issues.

Complaint #7: A Cheshire-sized clay body double was captured by Batman, hauled into custody by police, and locked up without anybody noticing.

Batman uses the word "clay" so I'm assuming we're supposed to believe this is some kind of non-Clayface clayface body double? Some kind of mindless automaton that walks and moves and blinks and breathes and acts exactly like a living person? Sure, it's not presented in that way. But the audience has to assume some level of intelligent trickery went down here or else they're going to read this and think, "Batman was fooled by a squishy, drippy sex doll? This is worse for the Batman mythos than when Kevin Smith had Batman confess to peeing his pants!" Complaint #8: Both Deathstork and Cheshire tell Batman they're "playing a game." Why do they call their terrible and vicious crimes a game? It's bullshit to make everything the villains do some kind of contest pitted against Batman. It inherently makes super hero comics less about trying to make the world a better place and more about how heroes are the cause of all of the trouble because the villains' only ever expressed motive is to best the heroes. It's lazy and ultimately damaging to the entire medium. Yes, I said the entire medium! That's not hyperbole! But that was facetiousness!

Complaint #9: Cheshire wears see-through undies and we never get to see them from the front.

Okay fine. Not all of March's asses are in the uncanny valley. That one is staunchly in the valley of cans. Sweet, sweet cans.

Complaint #10: Batman kills Cheshire.

Sure, sure. Cheshire is still talking after getting creamed by a semi truck so Batman didn't really kill her. But he should have killed her doing this and the only way we accept that she isn't dead after smashing her face into an advancing semi is because we, the reader, know Batman doesn't kill. Maybe Batman lovers would defend this as an accident brought on by Cheshire herself. But then what is Batman's defense in letting her get smashed by a truck instead of saving her from being smashed by a truck in the amount of time it takes him to smugly say, "Brace yourself"? This fits into my belief that Batman has killed dozens of people but they die later at the hospital after which he can pin the deaths on the doctors who failed to save them from the mortal injuries Batman gave them. Side Complaint #10: Cheshire's last words are asking Batman how he survived her poison. I mean, she's obviously dying here and that's all she cares about? I would think she'd be all, "Tell my daughter I love her! ACK!" Batman #87 Rating: C. I think I made my points. My main problem now is that I've declared I'm going to stop buying Batman but I'm not the sort of person who avoids staring at train wrecks.

#Batman #James Tynion IV #Guillem March #DC Comics #DC

1 note · View note