#I don't think I could have handled the mental pressure if I had been aware of myself while being at school- i was already havin a rough time

[heeliopheelia]

"let me take care of you. please?" (sunghoon x reader)

genre: fluff, angst word count: 1k requested by nonnie ♡

warnings: it's a comfort fic!! reader is in a really bad mental headspace, crying, mentions of anxiety

a/n: a little sappy but still think it came out kinda cute <3 comfort fics have a special place in my heart!! kinda wish i had such hoon for myself sometimes :))

You struggle to breathe as another sob leaves your tight throat. Face hidden in your hands, you sit with your back leaned on your bed frame.

The couple past days have been difficult for you as the pressure and the overwhelming anxiety have been taking a toll on your well being. You've never been the one to share your problems or struggles with other people, always being too afraid of burdening them with your worries. So for the longest you've been taking care of your mental problems all by yourself and as much as you've always thought you had it under control, you've finally reached your breaking point as today all of the emotions came crashing down on you with a doubled strength.

You didn't contact anyone, leaving your phone laying on the bed on a do not disturb mode. Being too much into your own head space, you never even hear your boyfriend's voice calling out for you as the door of your apartment slams shut. It's the second time that your name leaves his lips that you finally snap out of it and come back to your senses.

With a gasp, you quickly scramble to your feet and rush to the bathroom, closing the door quickly as you hear Sunghoon stepping into your room. God, you can't let him see you in such state. No one's ever seen you at your lowest and you weren't planning on letting it happen any time soon.

"YN?" He asks with confusion, hesitantly knocking at the locked door. You bring your hand up to your lips, trying to muffle the sobs that don't seem to stop any time soon. "Are you okay? You haven't been answering anyone's calls for the entire day."

You wait couple seconds until you're sure your voice won't betray you. "I'm fine. Just wasn't feeling well, sorry."

But Sunghoon knows you better than anyone else. He pays attention to every single detail of you, so he was more than aware that something unsettling has been going on with you lately. He didn't want to be too pushy though, but after all of your friends said they weren't able to reach you since the morning, he had to come and check up on you.

"I can tell that you're crying, my love." His soft words make you go still for a moment. You were so sure you did well with covering up the tremble in your voice. "Will you open the door for me?"

"N-No," you stutter out, suddenly feeling hot from being this close to getting exposed.

"Why?" He asks, voice as calm as ever, even though his heart nearly leaps out of his chest from worry.

You hesitate for a second, realizing that lying to him is pointless right now. You inhale shakily. "Because I don't want you to see me like that."

"Please, open the door, baby," he asks and it's the gentleness of his voice that makes you cave and turn the lock open. The moment that he steps into the bathroom and sees your tear-stained face, he takes you in his arms tightly. Holding you closely to his chest, he wishes he could just take away all of your pain and worries and keep you like this for as long until you feel secure again.

"I'm sorry," you mumble out a watery apology, pressing your face to his chest and soaking his t-shirt nearly instantly. "I just don't know how to handle all of my emotions sometimes."

"Don't apologize for that," he quietly reprimands you, leaning his chin on the top of your head. "Wanna talk about it?"

You shake your head and Sunghoon understands. He hums in acknowledgement and the faint vibrations running through his chest bring solace to your aching heart.

You stand in silence for couple more minutes, relishing in the feeling of his hand stroking your hair and the gentle serie of kisses that he's laid upon your head. Before you even know, your sobs reduce to quiet sniffles and the hysteria that's overwhelmed your mind slowly fades away.

"You should've called me," he whispers after a moment. "I would've tried to help you. It breaks my heart to think that you've been dealing with all of this by yourself."

"I just didn't wanna burden you," you stumble out, pulling away to look at him. "You have enough problems on your mind already."

With a soft smile, Sunghoon lifts his hand up to wipe the tears away from your cheeks, peppering your face with kisses next. Your arms wrap around his middle and you just let him shower you with the affection you've been in a need for throughout the entire day.

After pressing the last kiss right to your tear-swollen lips, he pulls away so that your noses touch, rubbing them together to finally see the smile he adores so much.

"I want you to tell me every single thing that's bugging that precious mind of yours, alright? I'm your boyfriend after all." Noticing the uncertainty glimmering in your eyes, he kisses you again. "I really want to help you, baby. Let me take care of you. Please?"

Seeing the desperate pleading silently writing itself on his face, you finally nod your head and send him a sheepish smile. You push your face back into his chest again, not able to bare the raw emotion in his eyes as he looks down at you.

"Thank you, Hoon," you mumble, tightening your arms around him. "I love you so much."

"I love you even more," he says, finally feeling content for the first time this day. "Wanna go to bed now? It's getting kinda late. We can even watch this stupid cartoon you love so much."

"Haikyuu is not stupid and it's not a cartoon," you glare at him playfully. "Stop pretending like you're not watching every single episode more invested than me."

He huffs out a laugh, flicking your nose gently. "Alright, got me there."

permanent taglist: @bambisgirl @arizejkt19 @luvmura @milisabunny @cathy-1997 @venividibitchin @ramenoil @jenjnk

#guys it's 3 am and im literally falling on my face so im sorry if there are any mistakes #ill reread that in the morning tho!! #carly's 1k event ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #enhypen fluff #sunghoon imagines #park sunghoon x reader #sunghoon x reader #1k event: requests ✎

[hiraya-rawr]

True Love's Kiss

synopsis: You've been cursed to sleep for eternity by the evil Abyss Witch! Only true love's kiss is capable of waking you now. How would your crush react?

characters: Kaeya, Diluc, Zhongli

notes: a little drabble to start the day!

Kaeya

"Kiss them?" Kaeya stares dumbfounded at Lisa who was examining your condition, "Not to question your sources, but... "

Lisa sighs, closing her book. "I'm aware of how strange it sounds, but that's the cure."

"And what makes you think I should take the role of Prince Charming? I'm only involved in this case as the Cavalry Captain."

"You offend me. Don't think I didn't notice how you look at them," Lisa raises her eyebrow at him, "Now go ahead and kiss them."

Kaeya still finds the situation ridiculous, really, as he sighs to lean closer to your sleeping face before stopping, "I'm usually not one for boundaries, but I hope you properly explain why we had to resort to this," He narrows his eyes at Lisa, "Omitting the true love's kiss part, of course."

Lisa only laughs – a sly laugh that Kaeya doesn't trust one bit, "I'll leave that part up to you, sweetie."

Diluc

"The cure calls for a kiss from Prince Charming! You're the only prince we know in Mond!" Amber explains hurriedly as Lumine and Paimon struggle to lay you on the sofa. After an unfortunate encounter with an Abyss Witch (with you getting hit by a curse), they quickly interrogated to find the cure before rushing you to the nearest prince and lodge – which, conveniently, happens to be the Dawn Winery.

"First off, I'm not a prince." Diluc says incredulously, "Second of all– I can't make sense of your story."

"We need you to kiss them or they'll stay asleep forever!!!" Amber all but screeches, wondering why her sense of panic isn't reaching him.

"O..kay," Diluc says slowly, before looking to Lumine, "Can you guide me to where you last met the Abyss Witch? If it can cast curses then perhaps the two of you were affected by something mentally-"

Unfortunately, the witch is dead," Lumine sighs, "But trust us when we say the cure is real."

Diluc does trust Lumine; she's one of the most genuine people he's ever met, but right now, that trust seems to be wavering uncertainly.

"Again, I'm not a prince-"

"But aren't you supposed to be like a king?" Amber cuts in.

"Uncrowned. Uncrowned king as a nickname made by some drunkards in Mond that somehow caught on," He groans into his hand, embarrassed, "It doesn't even make sense." He mutters.

"Same thing! Now kiss them! What if we're too late?" She pulls him towards your sleeping form, forcing him down by the collar to your face.

"Wait-" He pushes against her force, holding himself up, "This is highly nonconsensual and-"

Amber pushes him down anyway with surprising strength, his lips colliding on yours as you wake with a jolt. The sudden pressure on your lips causing you to sit up immediately, your forehead bumping on his forehead.

"Ow!" You hold your hand to the bump, looking around in shock at a red faced Diluc, a smug Lumine, and a tearing up Amber.

"Yay, you're awake!" Amber cheers

Zhongli

Zhongli has heard of a lot of odd things in the very long life he's lived, but a curse that can only be cured by true love's kiss was... well, within the realm of possibilities but it was definitely not something he's ever thought of.

"And you children brought them to me, believing that I would be capable of undoing the spell... Yes?" He looks at the two boys, Chongyun and Xingqiu, as they nodded furiously.

"We're not children! I- We-" The hydro user sighs, "I suggest we hurry, mister Zhongli. Hutao is already looking for them with a coffin prepared."

"This is all my fault... If I could have exorcised the dark being sooner." Chongyun mutters.

"It's an abyss witch, not a ghost, Yun."

"Still."

"Alright," Zhongli stands, patting the two on the head, "Thank you for bringing them to me. You both did well. I shall handle the rest now," He gestures them to the exit as he ponders about all the strange curses and spells he's encountered, nothing quite like this one.

It's not like he doesn't believe in the cure; emotions are powerful things and he's learned they are very much capable of breaking curses and bonds. However... Love? Is such an old god still capable of loving someone genuinely?

"I suppose trying this... True Love's kiss won't hurt," He mumbles, sitting next to you with his hand on your cheek. He lightly brushes his lips on yours, ever so faintly, before checking for any reactions to see your eyes fluttering open.

Looking back at him, he blinks at you before a gentle smile stretches on his face.

"Did you sleep well?"

I suppose time does not define one's capacity to love, he thinks fondly.

navigation

taglist || @absolut-wildflower @boundedbyfate @sadlonelybagel @eissaaaa @coleluuviida @nejibot @milkypompon @bloodreaper08 @irethepotato

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin fluff #genshin hcs #genshin fanfic #genshin impact hcs #genshin x reader #diluc x reader #diluc #diluc ragnvindr #kaeya #kaeya x reader #genshin diluc #genshin kaeya #zhongli #zhongli x reader #genshin zhongli #genshin reader insert

[ms-taurusvenus]

Pick a Pile ~ Main Themes for The Following 2023 Year

For entertainment purposes only. Take what resinates. My inbox is open for any questions.

Pile 1

Have you been experiencing some things mentally? The past year might've left you with a lot of mental health issues. Feeling trapped and perhaps backstabbed by someone you consider close and who you love and care for deeply. I can sense that you need to let go of something. I believe you have given this a lot of thought and reflection. There are many new beginnings that I perceive. It's possible that you're embracing your faith more. You're gaining self-assurance, and I predict that the coming year will be marked by frequent occurrences of self-reflection and self-focus. Opportunities will present themselves that will enable you to realize your aspirations and bring them to fulfillment. I also notice that you are becoming much more emotionally knowledgeable and developed. Next year, your intuition will continue to develop with time. With the experiences you've had over the last year, you've gradually grown wiser and may even be a wonderful counsellor to your loved ones.

You are working toward achieving your goals and getting what you want because you know what you want. Opportunities related to something you've been working on or wanting are emerging, but you could be afraid to take them. Maybe you're thinking about the financial benefits. You might have been working on this privately or keeping it a secret from others. But it's all right! Because it will be worthwhile in the end! Your hobby, passion, or purpose should and will make you feel content and happy all the time. It serves as a convenient scapegoat for you if you're depressed. It's part of your journey, so don't be afraid to be naive about this; I'll see you being naive when you finally take the leap. While on your new adventure, don't punish yourself for any errors you make; instead, think about how you can do better and handle situations differently.

Pile 2

You're afraid of letting go of something. This thing is something that you know that in order to achieve your goals, for a new chapter you need to let go of whatever you're holding onto. The universe and luck is on your side on this, the moment you let go of whatever this is you will find peace with yourself. New beginnings are awaiting for you, you just need to show the universe that you are willing to open your arms wide for this new chapter and journey in your life.

You struggle with the idea of letting go. You are aware that in order to go on and accomplish your goals, you must let go of anything you are clinging onto. The universe and good fortune are on your side in this situation, and the instant you let go of whatever it is, you'll find inner peace. There are fresh starts waiting for you. You must demonstrate to the universe that you are ready to embrace this new phase and adventure in your life with open arms. If you let go of this, the universe will give you this as a reward.

These fresh starts could involve you starting a new career or, if you're still in school, switching your degree. Maybe this is a creative industry? You've given this some thought for a while—possibly years. It's possible that you quit up after trying once it failed to live up to your expectations. Additionally, I picture you giving up on this due to pressure, conflicts, and self-doubt. You must exercise patience in this situation; Rome wasn't built in a few weeks or days. Your choice on this could lead to arguments or clashes with your loved ones. Perhaps there is a tradition in your family/your family is traditional? Or of immigrant status. I see that many of you are the offspring of immigrants. Due to the arguments, disagreements, fights with your family and loved ones you may consider backing out and starting all over. Don't. Don't pay attention to those who disagree with you or minimize the value of your decisions. Dispute their claims, prove them wrong. Otherwise, they will prevent you from reaching the success that is waiting for you. Because of the criticism you're getting, I picture you entering a reflective phase of your life. I think you might be lying or pretending that you've stopped doing this when you haven't in order to halt or lessen the battling, debates, disagreements, and criticism you're getting.

I envision you developing into a very independent person who doesn't need anyone else since you know you can succeed on your own whether or not you have support from others. You'll eventually come across and interact with people that actually love, care, and support you.

Pile 3

Are you relocating? If not, then this location might be considerably farther away from where you now live. Perhaps to a different country. It can be half the distance from your home or a 5- to 10-hour travel. If you aren't moving, you're probably either exploring the world on the road or moving across the country. This could be as a result of schooling. Along the path of your voyage and adventures, you'll find and meet a mentor. You've given this a lot of thought and considered if moving through with this would be a smart idea. Depending on how far you are moving or travelling, you may believe that once you make this choice, there is no turning back. I see you being right with on this. This is a new chapter in your life, and you will learn a lot from it as you embark on this new adventure.

Your loved ones, family, and friends are behind you in this. Even though they don't want you to go, they will undoubtedly miss you, thus it can be bittersweet for them. Be on the lookout for people who can be envious of what you have in your life and try to start problems in your relationships with your friends, family, and loved ones. Because you are separated from your friends, family, and loved ones when you first move or travel, it may feel lonely, unhappy and possibly depressed at first. To avoid this, I advise you to make an effort to meet individuals in the area where you're moving or travelling. By doing this, you'll be gradually laying the groundwork for yourself because you'll have someone or some people to guide you to your new location. If you don't, it won't matter since soon you'll meet new people and make friends with interests similar to your own, who may be able to direct you and keep an eye on you while you're moving or travelling for whatever long you're staying (for those who are traveling). All you need to do is inquire and wait for your loved ones' free time before inviting them to come see you.

Best of luck to all of you! May you all be protected, healthy, and safe for the 2023.

#tarot #tarot reading #pick a card #pick a pile #pac reading #pick a picture #collective message #free tarot #tarot community #2023 tarot reading #2023

[miracles-and-butterflies]

I've been thinking about this angsty AU for a while know...

But...what if each of the gifted Madrigals snapped before Antonio's ceremony?

Bruno was the first; He cracked under the pressure before Mirabel's ceremony. Honestly, being seen as a bad omen/curse, constantly giving out "bad" or unreadable visions that he knows will be seen as bad, practically being forced to give visions knowing they'll get a bad reaction, and constant migraines/headaches can't be good for someone's mental health.

The order of the other's snapping (I'm going in the order of age)

Pepa (after Antonio's birth) - So stressed out and emotionally unstable that she snapped and caused a rainstorm for a whole week until her body gave out.

Julieta (A year or two after Pepa)- Not sure what to do for her.

Isabela (When Antonio was two/three)- How would being the golden child and put under the perfection pedestal not take a toll on you mentally?

Dolores (a six months after Isa) - It could surround something about hearing way too many sounds/voices at once.

Luisa (four months after Lolo) - Surface pressure got too much to handle.

Camilo (two months after Lu) - Identity crisis, constantly told that YOU aren't needed but the other person is. In other words, feeling like you yourself aren't special at all. Need I say more?

By the time Antonio was four the only Madrigals what were left were Alma, Felix, Agustin, and Mirabel. How do you think you would interpret this au?

Do you think there are any mental hospitals in Encanto? I mean, there is always going to be people with mental issues so there has to be one. But I don't think a normal mental hospital could house such gifted people that could possibly turn into a threat at any given moment.

Idk, this is just an idea and maybe you could be a little more elaborate with it. But honestly, how do you think the gift less Madrigals would react to this happening? (and maybe the villagers?)

(Also, I don't think Antonio would be getting a gift in this au. The candle/Casita is way too scared of the pressure he may be put under and what it might cause. But it's up to you though)

Okay, I have ideas for this!

I’ll call it Separated.

My only note is why would the family separate and just abandon each other? Specifically, the wives leaving their spouses and the literal five-year-old. It makes more sense that they stay together.

Order and why the family finally snapped:

Bruno (1938) - basically the same as said here, but no relation to Mirabel. His reputation started falling after Pepa’s wedding, but by this point, there was nothing to be saved and he had no will to try save it. (The headaches thing isn’t necessary; Julieta can heal him).

Isabela (1944) - in response to being told she was going to start courting and ultimately marry Mariano, but the whole ‘perfect, golden child’ definitely added to the emotions. She didn’t leave the family straightaway, due to her age, but stopped following Abuela’s orders. She also began asking her parents if they could leave.

Pepa (1945) - following Antonio’s birth and her mother’s concerns over whether or not he would be gifted. Alongside her own suppressing of emotions and the equally poor treatment of Dolores. She finally had enough. Félix never officially snapped, just agreed with his wife without hesitation.

Dolores (1945, a few weeks after Pepa) - inspired by her mother, Dolores had also reached her boiling point shortly after and felt confident to express it. Not that it was necessary for her to do as she was obviously going to be leaving with her parents and brothers. But she felt that she should get the chance to for her voice to be heard.

Agustín (1946) - he had recently become aware of the townspeople’s treatment of Luisa and refused to stay a moment longer. If the warm family got out, so can they. To the point he threatened divorce against Julieta, was just going to take Luisa and leave. Julieta never officially snapped, just agreed with her husband; though it was after a few discussions.

Luisa (1949) - though her father’s snap happened earlier and in relation to her, she didn’t feel quite the same; that might be age and insecurity talking. Her treatment did briefly get better because of her father but settled back to old way soon enough and then got even worse. She was done being a mule for the townspeople, for some of the stupidest reasons.

Camilo (1950) - being a teenager is hard enough, a time for finding yourself and your identity. Chucking shapeshifting and those implications on top isn’t easy. He is the most recent member of the Madrigals to snap, though is the only one to suggest a desire to be a normal family. He is still a child - he just wants to play and hang out with the other kids.

Is there a mental health hospital in Encanto? No. It’s a rural town in the middle of nowhere. And it’s 1950. (Not that it matters because Encanto is frozen in the late 1800s). If they were to have anything, it would be a small asylum - which nobody would want anything to do with for very understandable reasons.

Alma, still very warped in her grief, probably doesn’t take this very well at all. With every separation, she just gets worse. The family is breaking all over again - she is losing them, not so different from how she lost Pedro. Maybe even worse because they are still alive, they just want nothing to do with her.

The husbands are in obvious support/defence of their wives and children. They are outsiders to this family, they are a little bit better at picking up on the pressure they are being put under and how it’s not normal. They only want the best for their families and won’t just accept being put through such extremes.

Mirabel is a little ignorant to this all. Being the actual giftless one, she was never hugely included in any of the discussions or such. She doesn’t question too much, she wouldn’t want to overstep. She had accepted her place on the sidelines a little more - even if her family is no longer front and centre (in the way they were before), she just sticks to the background and tends not to get involved with any family drama.

Antonio, who isn’t getting a gift - he doesn’t even live in Casita, so he wouldn’t even know about his door - doesn’t have much thoughts about this. His family’s separation happened so early in his life that he doesn’t known anything beyond this. This is just normal. He’s too young to understand or really be too curious either.

#encanto #ask me anything #encanto separated au #isabela madrigal #mirabel madrigal #luisa madrigal #dolores madrigal #camilo madrigal #antonio madrigal #julieta madrigal #agustín madrigal #pepa madrigal #f��lix madrigal #alma madrigal #bruno madrigal

[saltedsnails]

I'm just worried as a result of Bumblebee becoming canon; fans of the ship are going to ignore the issues with Adam's portrayal, the complaints from queer critics regarding the build up and the very bigoted company using the ship to handwave all of its bigotry. I don't think BB fans aren't allowed to be happy, hell I was pretty pleased with the confession scene. I really just the fandom could have an open discussion about the ship without it the compalints being seen as homophobia

I’m not a fan of Bumblebee myself, in fact I don’t really ship any characters at all, because RWBY isn’t supposed to be about shipping at all! We’re supposed to be overlooking a journey about saving the world, damn it!

You really just have to love that certain fans disregard the treatment of real-life LGBT+ folks by RT in favor of their ship becoming canon.

At the end of the day, I find that pathetic.

I also didn’t like the confession execution, because they were forced to say their feelings under pressure rather than a true confession where the parties in question didn’t feel pressured. Sorry, but I don’t like when people are forced to do things when they aren’t ready to handle the outcome. Been there, done that, not a fan of it.

Also just because someone criticizes an LGBT+ ship for aspects of the writing, it’s not homophobia. Maybe the execution development sucked. Maybe the characters themselves sucked or didn’t fit well together. This isn’t just for BB by the way. It’s for every ship. Talking about elements of a ship you don’t like that has to do with an LGBT+ couple isn’t automatically homophobia. It’s just criticism, and people need to learn that.

Also a note for in general, and nothing to you specifically, more of an audience awareness PSA: Putting all of your self worth into a fictional relationship and going rabid-feral when people don’t agree isn’t a healthy thing. You desperately need to evaluate how abrasive your shipping mentality effects you and your relationship with others; both on and off the internet. If something exists on the internet, some people aren’t going to like it. And y’know what, big whoop!

Stop going after people not agreeing about a damn ship, because you’ll either a) force people out of the fandom/media-space you’re in because you’re a toxic collective which will —> provide less of an audience for the media you consume which will —> lead to a loss of revenue and eventually cancel the show production or b) make the fandom split apart into smaller sects that either don’t interact or when they do, become knuckle-dragging troglodytes spewing death threats and doxxing each other that makes even wanting to dip a singular cell of your big toes skin to experience the fandom not worth it.

To get back to the Adam and Blake thing, we missed out on so much context and development for both Blake and Adam that would’ve made their final confrontation more satisfying for the end of V5/6. Like yeah, sure it’s a “I’ve changed now and all I see is a monster”, but personally, this isn’t an emotional payoff. It’s a one-dimensional storytelling experience that’s been done a billion and a half times. The characters don’t even have much of a connection anymore because Adam and Blake interacted for like, 2 minutes at Beacon during the fall, and then the confrontation leading to Adam’s death? Like, where’s the payoff?

I don’t see it. Truly, I don’t. Both Adam and Blake had such disservices done to their characters by not providing neither context nor true attachment other than “because I said so”. While yes, it is implied, we never explore the emotional nuances of their relationship. It could’ve paid off so much more if RWBY truly cared about the connections the main girls had.

- 🐌

#snail speaks #rwde #‘nonie time 🕶️ #adam taurus #**emotional nuance isn’t a bad thing everyone!

[softlittleheartsandsparkles]

would u say its better to keep ur mental health to urself when seeking medical help?

Short answer: No. Long answer: I do understand wondering that because I feel it too, and I do feel shame and like regret answering the question because I feel like it just created a road block/barrier and I won't lie, its extremely frustrating and upsetting to say the least. (I can't change the past but I can find it annoying still.) It also really baffled me because I feel like most of my mental health is under control as I've done therapy etc. & the other thing I try to keep in mind is if I went to the hospital with a broken finger, I may bring up anxiety or spd. (as I've mentioned prior) because some things, even x rays can be scary and could trigger that anxiety or fear, or discomfort. And in those cases bring up those issues (anxiety / panic disorders. Or even sensory issues.) helps techs, help me. So when I say I feel regret, its frustrating because I've had those experiences prior with medical staff stating mental health and its always been addressed in a comforting / kind / caring way. Like those experiences were very positive. vs the obgyn clinic with an intake nurse brushing off GI issues as ibs because I was asked if I had mental health issues and I answered honestly. & I think the reason why it does bug me a lot is it just feels very armchair-y. Its like if someone says 'when i eat bread i feel fat & groggy.' be pretty bad it someone (like a nurse) says 'sounds like celiacs'. Cause those diagnoses should be explored with a understanding and compassion. Not as a label to just add to a pile. The biggest thing I learnt is advocacy. & repeatedly pushing the topic (respectfully. But just saying 'this is still a problem' 'I'm still having problems.') asking questions, re-stating family history (this is really important.) I also do find it really helpful to have another person with me who's seeing how my health is affecting me. Just so i'm also not brushed off as "exaggerating". & lists of your symptoms do help. It does suck because I think mental health has a lot of stigma attached to it in different circles, and I think medically it can be worst sometimes. & I'm not super sure how to even nagiavate it aside from just keep bring up the concern & just repeating its not that, or its still present. (broke record dbt skill ftw.) Like truthfully I did try ibs meds like the dr wanted, I also tried over the counters for ibs prior. (I tried two prescriptions of ibs meds xD neither really helped my problem. Both set off my pelvic pain more.) It didn't work, but I mostly tried so that option could be explored and show to medical side I was trying. (I was very apprehensive it could be ibs.) & I mean when my GI dr called to follow up, I stated that and asked 'could we maybe do a mri...?' So it helped. (I also will be clear, i don't think my GI dr was blaming mental health for me. it seemed to only be the nurse at one obgyn place when I was getting my iud removed. ) The other really big key reason why I'd say you probably should say so is if you need anything done. (medical imaging for example) sometimes you have to fast & fasting can include water. Like when I had my endoscopy I couldn't even drink water a bit prior because there's a risk aspiration. The other big concern is honestly around surgery or being put under. There's some meds, like ones used for flashbacks for ptsd / cptsd that are used for blood pressure but have been found to help with flashbacks. (doses are lower. But I feel like that could be important for medical staff to be aware of) Just so they can adjust and monitor the patient better. So I think hiding mental health because of stigma - it doesn't imo benefit you. Even if an encounter sticks with you, strikes discomfort due to how it's handled, it doesn't mean you should hide what other diagnoses you may have.

#scribbles

[strawberrysodatown]

u know, probably the most f*cked up thing that happened to me at BYU was in like my second ish year when I was in my human development class and my professor said some super transphobic stuff to our class of like 300+ people in a huge auditorium and me- even while being honestly transphobic myself- was appalled at what he was saying and I made a comment in front of everyone about how he was wrong and I tried to talk about my trans friends experiences that I didn’t even understand fully at the time- and he used the f*cking slippery slope fallacy on me and I just gave up because I did not have the energy to argue with a grown man in front of 300+ people. But I would have now. Every time I pass by that man’s office at work when I’m cleaning I’m silently just >:(  

#he was like: oh what's next people will start identifying as animals like where does the line end?? #and in my head i was like: I know what slippery slope fallacy is sir I learned about it in middleschool shut the f*ck up #but I just kinda shrugged and sat down because OOF the pressure was intense and again- was kind of transphobic myself #in the way that I had no idea if it was real or not but I was also NOT OKAY with people being harassed about it wtf #i only hope that since then he's had some character development #because there were absolutely trans people in there- statistically with that high of a class number there had to have been #and to hear that???? #yall i'm sorry I couldn't fight better then I'm so sorry #anyways other than that BYU wasn't really that bad for me #let's just say I'm glad I took all my religion classes before I figured out that I am a lesbian hahaaaa #it probably would have been a lot harder I honestly think God was protecting me by not letting me know for so long LMAO #honestly when I think about it that way my whole life makes a lot more sense #I don't think I could have handled the mental pressure if I had been aware of myself while being at school- i was already havin a rough time #there are a lot of moments as i was growing up like: why am i so different from everyone else and why does nothing romantic happen to me #and now I'm like: my dude you would have figured things out a lot quicker otherwise and your life would have been hell #I don't care if you don't believe in God- I do and I think they were watching out for me haha :') #and now that I'm tougher i have to go through mental health crisises NOOOOOW aahhhhhhh #i'll be okay

[jitterbugjive]

Hey I noticed you sometimes talk about BPD. I have that I been wondering is it ableist to call me toxic asshole for thinking people shouldn’t use boundaries to abandon you at your worst? I got called that by someone because I told them if a lonely isolated person killed themselves because people keep abandoning them then their blood is on your hands. Btw this was about making friends and the person kept using boundaries as why it’s okay for friends to abandon you at your worst. I am sorry but if you can’t handle your friends at their worst you don’t deserve them at their best. So how am I the toxic asshole here if I want my friends to be loyal to me and not leave me because I am not happy 24/7. Sorry I am not an emotionless robot I am going to have bad days. I guess people prefer fake nice people instead of people who are real about their feelings.

If someone were to say all people with BPD are toxic assholes or because you have BPD you're an asshole, or that because you have BPD you'll always be an asshole, then it would be ableist. This is less about your BPD and more about their own moral standing, because your morals conflict with theirs, they perceive you as 'toxic asshole', and you would be considered that by them whether you had BPD or not.

The thing is, everyone has their limits, their comfort zones, and their own capabilities, not everyone is emotionally strong enough to handle someone's worst issues, and if it gets too much for them it is in their best interest to step back. Because if they tried to push their own boundaries to help, they would be in a poor mental state and would not be effective at helping you, so it is better for both parties for the other person to step back when they know their limits.

Loyalty to your friends also means you should be willing to understand when they aren't able to do something because of emotional hangups. I know it sounds like a great grand gesture of friendship for someone to say 'to hell with my boundaries, you're my friend and you need me right now', but it's not healthy for someone to sacrifice their own well being for another person, friend or not.

When I was having my first psychotic episode, that was me at my worst, and I was exhausting to the people around me to a point where one of the people I lived with had to book a hotel to get away from me and give themselves some self care, and I don't hold it against them because at the end of the day you should be your number one priority.

You need to be open and honest to people about what your bad and worst days are like, and discuss ahead of time what to do about it if one happens again so that the person isn't thrown in for a loop and suddenly put under heavy emotional pressure. The more prepared they are, the less likely they're going to pull away. A lot of the time people probably just don't know what to do when you get like that. Your bad days are probably VERY outside the norm of what a neurotypical person's bad day is going to look like, your emotions are going to be a lot more intense and a lot of people aren't used to taking on so much, and they could have their own mental issues that could cause such a situation to give them major anxiety or triggers. This is why it is SO important for people to be prepared, and for you to have a plan based around your needs and their needs.

And it's probably really difficult, but you need to be more self aware of the fact that your mind is going to jump to the worst conclusion about why people do what they do, but those conclusions are very likely not facts, as this is what hypermentalization is.

#vicioussage

[pedropascalunofficial]

Pedro Pascal and Lena Headey

Head to head interview

Hunger Magazine, Issue 6. Released December 28, 2014. Photoshoot October 15, 2013.

Thirteen million. That's the number of people, on average, who tuned into each episode of the third season of Game of Thrones. Among them was Chilean actor Pedro Pascal, who was as enthralled by the sex and slaughter as the rest of us. But little did he know that within a few months he'd be pitching up on the shores of Belfast to join the cast as Oberyn Martell, affectionately known as the Red Viper. Sound ominous? It is. The Red Viper is GoTs newest anti-hero, “sexy and charming but driven by hate”. Sounds like he'll be right at home.

Pedro, on the other hand, though he looks good on paper, wasn't the obvious choice for the role. Expecting a big name to ride into King’s Landing, the show's fans took to forums to express their concerns as soon as the news broke. So is he worried? Like hell he is. “The fans had the part cast in their minds already. They knew who they wanted and it certainly was not me. But I'm not stupid, | presumed that people were going to say ‘who the fuck is this guy’. Since I anticipated the reaction it didn't throw me off.”

“There are so many different ways to go into battle with yourself when you're trying to get a job. I felt a certain amount of pressure because I wanted to make everyone happy. The fan base is so specific and, as a fan myself, I understand the relationship that they have with the show. The Red Viper is the best part I've ever played, and in season four shocks come at the most unexpected times. You might think you know, but you have no idea,” he explains.

Looks like the Red Viper could be in line to fill a Walter-White-sized-hole in television, but to test the theory we pit Pascal against Lena Headey, aka the Queen. Because if you can come away from Cersei unscathed, you can handle anything.

LH: So, Pedro, you come into Game of Thrones in season four, playing a pretty major character. Does that fill you with joy or dread?

PP: I'd say it fills me with joy because it’s a really fucking fun part. He’s a badass. He comes up against a lot of the main characters in the show. I'm very aware of the show. I watch it like a fan.

LH: Were you a fan before you arrived in Belfast?

PP: Yeah, I was a proper fan. I was caught up in the drama of it before I even auditioned for the part. I was already up to speed.

LH: I remember meeting you and thinking, “he fucking loves the show’.

PP: I kissed your ass.

LH: Well, it worked. We're friends now.

PP: I was like a tourist visiting the set, and yet I had to act with you and be in a scene with the characters that I had such a specific association with already.

LH: So you’re saying it’s boring?

PP: No, it wasn’t boring at all. It was extremely, relentlessly surreal.

LH: And who were your favourite characters up until that point?

PP: Not you.

LH: I realise that!

PP: There are too many characters to have a favourite, but I was fascinated by the Lannisters because they're so frightening. They scared me and then you would come in and pull sympathy from your audience somehow, and I found that rather fascinating. The Northerners were so easy to like or get behind, but it was quite something to see people sympathise with a Lannister, after you made people see things from their perspective.

LH: Speaking of being slightly ambiguous as a character, you come in as a major player and a very well-loved character in the eyes of people who read the books, and he’s somewhat of an anti-hero. Did you base him on anyone?

PP: What does an anti-hero mean exactly?

LH: It means he doesn't wear deodorant, doesn't it? [Laughs]. Someone you shouldn't champion, but you do, like Walter White in Breaking Bad.

PP: No, | didn’t really base him on anyone.

LH: Did you take anything from classic movies that you thought you could use and spin to your advantage playing the Red Viper?

PP: God, that’s a good question. I probably did subconsciously. Now I feel under the spotlight because I need to think of somebody, and I have so many in my mind! I think that’s something that is happening a lot in TV today: the anti-heroes are central to these television shows, and people are really getting behind them, even though they're not necessarily the most moral characters. So I'd say that ‘ve become more familiar with the character who's obviously very flawed but gets you on their side — you have complicated feelings about them. But I think I saw the story too much from this character's perspective to perceive any flaws.

LH: He has some.

PP: I know, from the outside. But I don't see any of them. What are his flaws?

LH: His flaws? He's a dirty bastard!

PP: Why is he a dirty bastard? He likes to fucking fight, for sure.

LH: Back to you as an actor. You've done it for a long time and, as we all know, the path is not always golden, and sometimes you think, “fuck it” and you want to leave it and do something else. Have there been moments where you wanted to give up?

PP: Yes, there have been moments where I came very close to giving up. But I never had anything to fall back on. I think you can understand that.

LH: Because were stupid?

PP: We're stupid.

LH: I can't even make pizza!

PP: We don’t have any other skills.

LH: None at all!

PP: And that’s the odd conundrum. You get to a point where you think, “This isn’t going to happen. This isn’t sustainable. I'm too exhausted, and it can't be good for me.” There were moments where I truly did try to formulate an idea of what I'd do. I thought I'd go back to school, start pre-med again and go to medical school or something like that.

LH: But that didn't happen, you just thought about it?

PP: Yes, I'd have thoughts, but it was still fantasy really. But at the time it felt like a practical life plan. Do you know what I mean?

LH: Yeah of course, you need to pay the fucking rent.

PP: Exactly. You just try to escape from the chaos of what you're feeling by trying to create order in your life. Order seems like a solution to save you from the pain of acting!

LH: It's a mental pain. Who was the first person you called when you got the role?

PP: My sister.

LH: Does she watch the show?

PP: Yes, she does.

LH: Pedro Pascal... or Pablo as I called you when I had too much wine, which was deeply insulting.

PP: Even family members have done that to me! Do I look more like a Pablo? Because it happens with about ninety-five percent of the people I meet.

LH: No, I think I’m just an ignorant drunk person.

PP: No, you were an ignorant drunk person that night is what you're saying.

LH: And now I’m educated.

PP: [Whispers] But | want you to call me Pablo.

LH: Ok, Pablo! When you first arrived on set in Northern Ireland, what was your feeling showing up to a bunch of British actors? Did it feel different to doing an American project?

PP: Yes, but I loved it. It wasn’t intimidating. I found it surreal because I’d watched and loved the show. I hadn't had the opportunity to work on something that I was really familiar with before, so it was overwhelming. But it was far more delightful than intimidating. Also you guys were really cool. Everyone was friendly.

LH: Oh, that’s just fake.

PP: Well, you guys were good at it!

LH: We know Game of Thrones is very popular obviously. Do you have any thoughts, or fears, about what this is going to bring you in terms of exposure?

PP: I have hope.

LH: Oh, God. I don’t mean to shatter that, but give it up.

PP: I don’t know really. It’s all been filmed, and now I'm back to my normal routine, so I haven't really thought about it. I remember when we finished filming and we were on our way to the airport, you asked me, “How does it feel you're all done?” and I couldn't really answer.

LH: You were quite emotional that day.

PP: I was very emotional because I’d had such an amazing time doing the part. Also just being there immersed in the experience... You described it to me best. You told me how I'd be feeling.

LH: We don't know your character's backstory when you enter the show, and you have some rather brutal scenes. Anyone who has read the books will know what I’m talking about.

PP: My character comes in, he stirs a bunch of shit up, and then he makes this fucking enormous exit. Now can | ask you a question?

LH: What is it? I’m not going to sleep with you. Give it up.

PP: Oh, come on! This has gone to shit and it’s your fault, so good luck to whoever has to edit it! But anyway, sometimes I'd hang out with the cast members and we'd go to dinner and they would get stopped constantly. There was no denying who they played because they were so recognisable, but you got away with it because you have this beautiful blonde wig on in the show, and in real life you are...

LH: Grey?

PP: {Laughs] No! You have beautiful chestnut hair! Is it liberating to not be recognised the way some of the other cast members are?

LH: Yes, it is liberating.

PP: Liberating being able to walk down an alley in Dubrovnik without being stopped?

LH: Yes, except sometimes | get recognised in the weirdest places. A woman was emptying my bag at Heathrow Airport's security gates and just went, “Are you the Queen?” while rummaging through my underwear. It was so fucking weird.

PP: It seems they're more respectful to you?

LH: Because they're frightened. Wait until they meet the Viper.

PP: Well, that covers it.

LH: I think we're going to get our own show out of this, you know

Interested in learning more about Pedro? Check out Pedro Pascal Unofficial on Pinterest!

#pedro pascal #lena headey #hunger magazine #shot October 2013 #published December 2014 #game of thrones #queen cersei #prince oberyn #oberyn #oberyn martell #hunger tv

[kyuus4ku]

𝗪𝗜𝗡𝗘 𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗦𝗢𝗔𝗣 𝗕𝗨𝗕𝗕𝗟𝗘𝗦

chuuya nakahara

genre: minific ; fluff

warnings: mentions of blood, a little bit of profanity

word count: 2.1K

Your head throbbed with a dull sting as you carried your aching back to sit upright on the bed. Rubbing your eyes in exhaustion, a sharp sigh escaped your lips. You had a long week, and the missions the boss sent you on weren't easy ones. As one of the Port Mafia Executives, the number of reports you had to write and dirty tasks you had to deal with were numerous, but it seemed as if the pressure that initially weighed on you was subsiding, or perhaps you were just slowly getting used to it.

Nevertheless, it was easier than before since you could work alongside Chuuya.

It seemed as if you both shared each other's burdens of the stress imposed on you everyday. Other than that, it was nice having a partner who knew exactly what you had to deal with at work. It sort of saved you the trouble of explaining and elaborating on details of how your day went, since the both of you stuck together most of the time. Even your colleagues were well-aware of how close you were. Disregarding the countless times Dazai, who was your esteemed colleague but also your close friend, had mockingly declared that you both acted like 'a pair of pathetic, lovesick teenagers,' the fact still remained that you and Chuuya were highly respected at the Port Mafia because of what your ideal duality was capable of accomplishing.

But today, you didn't bother thinking about work. It was the last thing you wanted on your mind. You turned your head to your side, and found that Chuuya was not sleeping next to you. You got out of bed and started humming a tune whilst making your way to the bathroom to freshen up. Your head was cluttered with thoughts about what your plans were for today, since it was one of those rare opportunities to spend some quality time with Chuuya, who wished to do the same with you, too. Just as you were about to get out of the bathroom to look for him, you heard a voice coming from behind the shower curtain.

"Oi," Chuuya's morning voice rang groggily, "what happened to wishing your boyfriend a simple 'good morning'?"

You tittered lightly and proceeded to open the curtain, only to find Chuuya comfortably relaxing in the bathtub with a glass of wine in his hand. A grin broke through his expression as your eyes rested on him.

"Good morning, idiot," you chimed sweetly, "how long have you been in here?"

Before he could respond, you held your index finger up in realisation as you recognised that strong scent hanging in the air. Chuuya looked at you innocently as he tried to think of a way to justify the fact that he used too much of your favourite vanilla soap in the bath. You also realised that there were more bubbles than usual, so you quickly deduced the situation and frowned at him in fake disappointment.

"I'll get you more soon," he added awkwardly before you could say anything.

"How much did you use?" you inquired seriously, attempting to scare him.

"Half the bottle... sorry... it took a while to bubble up... I was really confused," he scratched the back of his head guiltily.

"I'm kidding, Chuu~" you chuckled softly. You proceeded to remove your clothes and carefully slid into the tub to sit across him. He had prepared another glass just for you. Pouring a portion of one of his most expensive wines into it, he checked to see if you were seated comfortably.

"What's the occasion?" you asked as the sweetness of the alcohol washed over and soothed your tastebuds. The bitter aftertaste and the way it flooded over all your distressing thoughts about work summed up just how much you liked it.

"I'm a great boyfriend," he said airily, a smirk curling up the corners of his lips.

"Nah... admit it," you replied nonchalantly, "you just love spoiling me."

Chuuya laughed at this, not bothering to differ with your statement. The both of you sat in silence for a bit, casually sipping from your beverages and engulfing yourselves into your thoughts, while slowly getting a little light-headed from the gradual intoxication of the wine. The alcohol seemed to be doing a great job of relaxing your sore joints, and bringing Chuuya into a flurry of lukewarm emotions which stood in contrast to his usual agitated mood.

However, this changed as Chuuya broke his train of thought when he noticed the bruises lining your right shoulder. His eyebrows furrowed in concern, so he leaned forward and reached out his hand, gently brushing the tips of his finger against them and catching you off-guard at the same time.

"What happened here?" he asked, observing it carefully as your hand reached out to push away his. You didn't really like it when he showed too much concern over such trivial things, even though you deeply appreciated it. Since working in the Port Mafia often posed threats to the both of you physically, these sort of minor injuries were normal, but he never failed to dote after you. He took care of you as best he could, and you did just the same for him. This was one of the million reasons why Dazai often referred to you both as 'the cheesiest couple to walk on this godforsaken planet.'

"It's nothing," you held your hand over your shoulder, pressing the bruises lightly to see if they still hurt as much as they did a few days ago, "It's just from that dumb fight that broke out a few days ago. Remember?"

"Where was I?" a look of annoyance replaced his concerned expression, "why didn't you ask for help?"

"I managed it just fine," you replied rather abruptly, trying your best to brush it off. You two often argued about such things, but today, the last thing you wanted to do was fight over something so minor.

Chuuya stared at you seriously while you tried to avoid his gaze. Your heart raced a little at the thought of a potential argument breaking out, so you decided to diffuse the tension since it was supposed to be a day of rest, and... slight inebriation.

"Chuuya," you subtracted the ego your expression held, and assumed a calmer, more tender tone, "it's nothing to worry about, okay?"

He pursed his lips as his eyes travelled down to your bruises, then back up to meet your gaze, "please, be more careful, for fuck's sake."

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. The pace at which your heart was beating slowed down to keep up with the alcohol's minor effect on your body, and Chuuya's sharp features, with its present undisturbed guise, had a strange way of setting you at ease, too.

Maybe it was just the wine talking, but you didn't let anything stop you from soaking up every fibre of this moment.

"Hey, don't act as if you didn't come home with blood all over your clothes a few weeks ago. It was a fucking bloodbath over here, and all I got were a few bruises," your playful teases overtook the silence which the both of you were too captivated by for a while.

"Shut up. Don't make me remind you about how you were freaking out," he mentally mustered up the theatrical skill hidden deep inside him to imitate your voice, "'Fuck, there's blood everywhere! Chuuya, how are you feeling? It's okay, I'm going to patch you up... where the fuck are the bandaids!? Oh my- okay, wait, I'll be back, don't move. Oh, wait, you can't- sorry, just give me a moment-"

"I had all the right to freak out, dumbass!" you cut him off and giggled as he shook his head dismissively, trying his best not to smile but failing all the same.

"On a serious note," Chuuya uttered after some contemplation, "if something like that happens again, call out my name."

"In the middle of a fight?" you tilted your head, perplexed.

"Yeah," he responded plainly.

"What are you going to do? Bitch-slap them?" you asked with a mischievous grin, unable to take him seriously.

"Make them regret it," Chuuya replied bluntly before a devious smile broke through his serious expression, "of all people, you know what I'm capable of."

"I do," you assured him, "but why?"

The question was genuine, and he decided to respond with brutal honesty.

"I don't take people's wellbeing lightly," he said, sipping on his wine while keeping his gaze locked onto you, "especially the people I give a damn about. So if anyone ever crosses that line— I'll kill them."

You felt something shift inside you.

His aggression and fierce loyalty seemed to overwhelm you. No one had ever spoken for you like that.

He took note of your silence, and wondered why you became quiet all of the sudden.

"What's wrong?" he asked you, gesturing for you to come over to his side. You did accordingly and made yourself comfortable in between his legs by stretching out your own, so that the both of you made good use of the space in the bathtub. The back of your head rested on his chest as the two of you blankly stared at the bubbles that surfaced the soapy water decoratively. He took away the wine glass from your hands and placed both the glasses on the cabinet nearby, where your essential oils and premium soaps were housed. He reached out to the lowest shelf for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"Nothing," you replied calmly, "thank you."

"For what?" he asked, slowly getting a cigarette out of its box, careful not to get the tobacco rod wet.

"Don't know..." you replied dreamily, "no one's ever..."

Your voice trailed off. Chuuya sensed that you weren't in the mood to respond, so he reached his hands in front of your face with a cigarette in between his fingers, and placed it in between your lips carefully, with his face peeking over your shoulder to ensure that he had the permission to do so. As he gently handled your jaw in one hand and the lighter in the other, he lit it up for you.

"There's no reason to thank me," he leaned back once again as you painted the air with wisps of smoke. You remained silent as you handed him the cigarette. He held it in his hand and opened his mouth again, "this job really sticks a fuck ton of needles up the soles of your feet, so I can't help but feel worried about you."

"I'm worried about you, too," you replied as he passed you back the cigarette, puffing out clouds of smoke smoothly, "you know that, right?"

"Of course, I do," he scoffed, surprised at your question, "you're the one who doesn't seem to get that."

"Huh? What do you mean?''

Chuuya took a while to come up with an answer because he was trying to pick out words that he meant from the bottom of his heart.

"I signed up for this shit. I signed up for worrying about your dumbass and wanting to slice the throats of anyone who hurts you, let alone, touches you. So there's no reason to push my concern for you away; it won't go away. I'm just like that. I just care for you that way."

You giggled at his statement; that was the only way you seemed to know how to respond.

"What's so funny?" he growled grumpily.

His statement rewinded and played itself over and over again in your head.

"I feel like the luckiest person alive when I'm with you," were the words that came out of your lips breathlessly.

"Damn, it took you that long to realise?" he chuckled lightly and wrapped his arm around your abdomen to bring you closer toward him, "I'm going to keep you safe... whether you like it or not."

You turned back to peek at his casual smile and leaned towards him to place your lips on his; his fingers travelled up the back of your neck and into your wet hair as he pulled your head closer to his. Your body was physically enchanted by his embrace, to the point that your fingers started playfully drawing curly, deformed doodles on his bare chest. The essence of tobacco and wine were exchanged as your lips continued kissing his.

The rest of the day was similar to that morning you spent in the tub, except that it involved a slightly more chaotic type of drunkenness by which you two wreaked havoc wherever you could in the comfort of your home. It was an activity you two started looking forward to every weekend: just the two of you, drinking wine in the bathtub lined with vanilla-scented bubbles.

author's note: Heyo! This is pretty much my first post on this blog. I'm not very new to writing but this is my first attempt at drabble/short story writing revolving around an established character lol I hope you liked it! I'll make up a masterlist after I've written more fics/drabbles so I will do my best to come up with good content! Thank you for reading(◡‿◡✿)

#bsd fanfic #bsd #bsd chuuya #chuuya x reader #chuuya x y/n #chuuya x you #chuuya scenarios #chuuya headcanons #bsd headcanons #bungou stray dogs hcs #bsd hcs #bungou stray dogs chuuya #chuuya fluff #bsd drabble #chuuya drabble #chuuya fanfic

[msilwrites]

(A 3AM Short Story) - (SHORT 1/2) - The Dark Knight

A/N: Hi guys, I have a lot of drafts I've been editing inside the draft folder of my Tumblr page. Sorry that I have not published them, I'm aware I make a lot of grammar mistakes, therefore, just I want them to be written properly, for it to have a strong narrative voice and can be easily understood.

Nonetheless, here is one of them...

Let me add, I'm actually busy updating my other stories, so do standby for that!

Cast -

'Q' is an Original Character

'K' / Kieran Sorensen - Mads Mikkelsen

WARNING: SEXUAL TENSIONS.... you need cold water!

The Dark Knight

Even before Q was known as 'Q', she was first a trainee under 'K' or Kieran, her commanding officer. However, she didn't expect to work beside him after finishing her training and working for the MI6. Neither did she expect that he was preparing her to take over once he steps down. That he wanted her to succeed him.

It all started when she entered the training programme. He had interviewed her for the first time, whilst holding on to the piece of paper which contained information about her background.

A woman who spent her primary education in Dragon School, and a secondary education at top international school in Shanghai, before graduating tertiary in Cambridge. With these, she could've been considered a 'strong candidate'.

"Privileged..." was his reply, upon reading everything. He clearly wasn't impressed. "You're probably very intelligent, but do you have grit?"

She gulped nervously and was thankful enough that she didn't write anything about her grandfather being an admiral or her father being an officer.

She remembered what he had told her clearly the first time, which is why it was a surprise to her that he considered her as a 'successor'.

Her job was something classified, she was not a field agent, but her duty was akin to that of a chess player, a tactician, a strategist and her chess pieces, were the agents under her command. And the playground was the operations she led and handled. And after a long time, she became good at it.

Throughout the years, she slowly got the hang of it, and finally earned the respect of her colleagues and superiors, specially Keiron, who had eventually become fond of her.

Everything was fine until she received a piece of devastating news.

Q's mother had committed suicide and her sister had a breakdown. At first, she couldn’t believe it. She knew her mother would never do such a thing! Didn’t she just remarry a good man who also happens to be wealthy? and had told her that she is in love with her new husband? That didn’t sound like the jovial mother she had often talked to over the phone. But as the details and truth began to resurface, everything became clearer...

As Q dug deeper for the truth, receiving the suicide note, her mother’s diary, the Private Investigator’s report and her sister’s story, one thing became clear; the cause of her family’s ruin was her mother’s new husband; Vincenzo Rosello.

Much to the family’s dismay, the truth was something painful to learn. Q broke down and cried. She considered dropping everything, just to get to her sister.

Her sister Helene, according to the report given to her by the investigator, was locked up in a private mental institution/ rehab in Mallorca and was given medication that had kept her mind blank every day.

Her grandfather and father were willing to do anything to get Helene rescued. But Q knew that if both her grandfather and father made a move, it will cause a diplomatic problem for the country. It was enough pretext for them that they should not intervene or try anything. Besides, the fact that the information was classified and Vincenzo Rosello was no ordinary man, makes it no easy task for her grandfather and father who holds high positions in the government, compared to her, a 'small fly'. So Q talked her family out of it and took it upon herself to rescue her sister, whatever it took.

At first, Q leaks the story to BBC News and CNN through an agent contact in Madrid, believing that public sympathy and pressure would force the country to intervene. However, Kieron Sorensen had done something, causing the networks to retract the news as a hoax.

Q was angry of course, upon learning of what happened. But she couldn't show it, and couldn't let anyone know that it was her who had leaked the information.

She didn't know what was coming for her until Kieron summoned her to his office.

"Ah, Q, please take a seat," Kieron offers, as she closes the door behind her. She had a feeling he might try to pry something out of her, but whatever it was, she decided that she will not admit to anything.

"What did you call me for?"

"Straightforward as always! Well, do you remember the painting at the museum that we saw?" he starts.

She scratches her head and thought how random the question was. "Which painting?"

"In front of the painting where I first handed you your badge," he said.

She suddenly remembered the event years ago, when he had welcomed her officially to the agency, by giving her a gun and badge inside a box, at a gallery, right in front of a painting. It looked more like a transaction between two people instead of a 'welcome' due to its secret, unnoticeable nature.

"Yes... what about it?"

"What was the painting again?" he asked.

"A knight and a lady," was her answer.

"A yes! 'A knight and his lady'! remember what I told you that time?"

"That there is no knight in shining armour to the rescue, that you are your own knight..." she casually mentions.

"And?" asking her to continue.

"That we should not aspire to be white knight, but a 'dark knights'" she rolls her eyes, thinking that this was a waste of time. "If there is anything else, I would like to go. I have a lot more paperwork to do,"

Kieron smiled " I am glad you remember, what is this then?" he pushes a paper towards her, containing the report that was leaked to the networks.

" I do not know what is this about?" she feigns ignorance.

His handsome face twists into a cynical smile. "Oh Q, isn't that your sister in the news?"

"Yes, I can see that, but we have been estranged ever since our parents divorced..." she lied. In fact, she almost communicated with them every day.

"I see..." Kieron folds his hands and takes a long hard look at her, which made her uncomfortable, but she was not going to give anything away. "I just want to remind you not to play the 'Dark Knight' in this situation. I'm not saying it was you who did this but consider the position your family would be in."

"Is that a threat, Director?" she clenched her teeth.

"No, it's a warning..." was his response, followed by a handsome smile, that she had so wanted to punch.

"Duly noted..." was her resigned response.

"I'm glad you understand, we have to always choose and preserve the greater good..."

"Greater good? so you want me to abandon my sister?" her voice was strained, as anger began to rise within her.

"I never said that... What I'm saying is, incidents like this can be considered as something against the agency and the government "

"I am aware of that and don't need you to remind me..." was her curt reply.

"I will not tolerate insubordination, and I will not back you up or rescue you if you continue this," he adds.

"I did not break any rules..." was her firm response, bent on not admitting anything.

" If that is so, you are to take a two-week compassionate leave,"

"I don't need it, I have a lot of work to do," she says, brushing it off.

"It's not a request, it's an order..." was his stern reply. "You're not into step into the office within those two weeks,"

"You can't do that?! I have a lot of work to do, and people who depend on me," she insists. She knew the moment she leaves the office, she will be unable to access some resources needed to rescue her sister.

"That's all taken care of," he said nonchalantly.

She felt her plans fall apart. It was obvious why Kieron was doing this. And that is to prevent her from taking any action, and this made her extremely frustrated.

" You have 2 days to finish whatever you can. After that, surrender your access card and gun before you go..." he adds, which finally broke the camel's back.

In a fit of anger, Q bolts out of her seat and attacks Kieran, pulling his arm forward, and punches his face the moment she had close the distance, which caught him off guard.

But a seasoned combatant like Kieron had recovered quickly and caught her body, swung her into his back and slammed her hard on the table.

Q, flinched in pain, but was not one to give up, countered his attack by trying to lock his arm, forcing him into submission. However, he was able to free himself from it and back throws her, causing her to land on the nearby couch with a loud thud.

But before she could even recover, Kieron had already gone on top of her and held both her wrist above her head, pinning her down the couch in a compromising position.

He leans close to her face and whispers to her ears, "You do that again, I will not be as merciful..."

She felt goosebumps on her neck with what he did. It was no mistake, she was turned on. It was also not a big help that Kieron is a handsome man. She did not want to look at him in the eye, or the feelings that she had withheld inside her, for him, all these years, might just spill...

He drags her back up and buttons the top part of her shirt, which she had not noticed was open. Some of the buttons were gone due to the physical altercation that had happened between them earlier. Her face felt warm as she looked away, as the gesture felt sensual and intimate. A significant other is supposed to do these things, not your boss! And certainly not after a fight!

He stilled her and gently tilted her chin to meet up his gaze. For a moment she was lost in his citrine eyes.

"Don't cause trouble, I would hate to lose you..." he whispered, and it felt more of a warning. "Go..." he turns around and walks back to his table, waving her off.

"Damn him..." she muttered under her breath as she went back to her small office. She had only two days to do her work, in addition to getting whatever resources she needs to rescue her sister. If Kieron thought this setback will discourage her, then he is wrong.

**********

After two days of work, the moment she had reached home, she had finally decided to go off-grid. She knew the moment she had left the agency, Kieron would've probably put her under watch list.

Pushing a heavy bookshelf on the side, the self glided easily despite its weight, revealing a small secret room with a vault inside her apartment. On one part of the shelf, was two fake passports and identity cards she had procured over the years, on one part was a thick clipping of the currency 'Euros'. She takes them and throws packs into her bag, before coming back for the vault, and taking another handphone.

She leaves her handphone on the bedside table and didn't plan on taking it with her to Spain. Kieron surely would use it to track her and she couldn't risk anyone knowing her plans and ruin them.

But before leaving, she messages her father;

'Perseus is coming for Andromeda'

**********

Mallorca, Spain

Q was not surprised that it was raining hard the moment she arrived at Mallorca. It was after one of their coldest seasons.

She wasted no time and immediately embraced her new identity, Geórgia Santos, a woman from Terrassa who will work as the cleaner at the psychiatric hospital where her sister, Helene is confined.

She eventually took on her role well, and immediately gained the respect of the medical staff within a few days of working as a cleaner. She even gained information who are some of the patients, through gossip with the nurses.

By the end of the week, she learned that the forbidden room she wasn't allowed to enter was the same room Helene is solely confined in. Not only because it was guarded. Moreover, thrice a week, a man comes to visit the room and stays there for almost a whole day, and he would ask the staff about his 'prisoner' in the room.

Upon learning the whole truth, she had sneaked in one night into her sister's room and found her in a state any family member would not like to see. Her informer was right, Helene was kept mentally blank every day. She had eventually bribed the nurse and the doctor assigned in Helene's room for information and their silence. According to the nurse she had bribed for information, the ‘stepfather’ would often visit Helene and stay at her quarters for a ‘very long time'.

Flabbergasted, Q calls out the nurse for not doing anything. But the nurse reasons that the ‘stepfather’ is a powerful man and they themselves were afraid to go against him. When she made it known that she wanted to take Helene from the institution and bring her back to England, the nurse and the doctor, though feeling guilty, advised her not to, as Vicenzo Rosello will not allow it. It will put the whole staff in jeopardy.

When she promised a way out, and a way to cripple Vicenzo, so that he would not misdirect his anger. Both of them immediately agreed and cooperated.

"Saint George, has seen the dragon" she sends another cryptic message to her father. What it actually meant is that she had seen Vicenzo.

The messaging window indicated 'typing' for a long time. She knew her father was holding back the anger, he was surely thinking of giving an order to kill. But no, he seems to have thought it through.

"Saint George should not slay the dragon," was his response followed by "Yet...".

Q chuckled upon receiving the message. Oh, the many ways they plan to hurt Vicenzo. After all, killing him immediately is an easy way out. They should torment him every chance they get, after what happened to her mother and Helene.

Unbeknownst to the agency, within her two last days before her compassionate leave. She had forged a directive signed by the agency's head to begin "Operation Persues" a rescue mission that is spearheaded by the SAS that she had developed within a short amount of time as 'Plan B" for her own attempt to rescue her sister.

On the night of the extraction, the moment the power was cut, Q hurriedly rushed to the floor where her sister was confined. The guards were out so she was able to easily enter her room.

When she entered Helene's room, she found her sleeping soundly in the dark, much to her relief. She checks her watch to see how much time she has. She could carry her sister to the nearby coastline herself where a boat is supposedly waiting for them, or wait for the soldiers she assigned to guide them there.

Her plan was to get Helene to Madrid and have her transported via car (as she was not mentally stable) to the south of France where their grandfather was waiting for them.

She felt her hands grow cold, as the clock ticks. The guards will be back any time now, and she has no gun to neutralize them if it comes into an altercation.

Suddenly, there was a sharp sound of a suppressor, followed by a loud thud on the floor. There was a knock on the door before it opened to reveal an imposing figure standing in the door frame, dressed in black night ops camouflage, with a large rifle. A normal person would probably be scared if they see him. After all, he looked like the stuff of 'nightmares' specially with his face covered, and his eyes were night-vision lenses that made him look like a multi-eyed monster.

"She's not stable," she whispers to the man. " I'm afraid of her waking up, and causing a commotion. "

The man nodded in understanding, before signalling another soldier outside of the room to come in.

The other soldier takes out a syringe containing a sedative to calm Helene down, in case she wakes up. In any other situation, Q would be fine, doing it to the target. She had carried out a lot of operation that needed this course of action. But now that they're doing it to her sister, she felt a little conflicted.

Another soldier enters the room and carries Helene out carefully. The first soldier, who first entered the room pulls out a gun from one of his armour's holsters and hands it to her.

"Thank you," she says softly, glad that he was considerate enough to give her a weapon to defend herself.

In a few minutes time, the power will come back, they needed to get to the nearby coastline by foot, as the sound of the car can attract attention this late at night, at a quiet place like this.

The smell of the incoming rain was obvious to her, the moment they stepped out of the hospital, they needed to get to the boat before the rain falls. There were 5 soldiers, and the boat can only carry 5 people, which meant two should stay ashore, and leave in another way.

"I will see you at Bordeaux, give her to the Admiral as instructed..." she says, referring to her grandfather, as she instructs the soldiers and they respond with a nod. She trusted them enough to carry their duty. Moreover, it wasn't the first time working with the SAS.

She watched as the boat left the shore, and turned away once she can no longer see them in the distance.

Turning her attention back to the soldier who stayed behind with her, she realized that it was the same person who first entered the room earlier and passed her a gun. Though she could not see his face like the rest of them, it was his aura that separates him from his team. He seemed like a very seasoned soldier and she wouldn't be surprised if he was, as her guest and observations were often right.

"Thank you for staying behind, I do not know if you have a plan B, but I'll take care of us here, from now on. And we'll be back in London before you know it!" she tries to convince him, but he did not respond and just stared at her. She sighed in resignation and asks him to follow her, as the rain began to fall.

Not far from the hospital was a small cabin she had rented as her temporary quarters.

"Come in..." She opens the door and holds it open for him.

The moment they entered the house, he was met with countless papers, photographs, stuck on a corkboard, and a few, small spy tech, including a laptop. The rest, was just a small kitchen, a small fireplace, bathroom, a queen-size bed, and a small couch, nothing more, nothing less. The small house looked like an operational briefing room, instead of living quarters.

"I'm sorry about the mess, I'll burn them once we leave, go make yourself at home. You must be tired so you can take my bed and I won't mind it, I'll sleep on the couch" she uttered mindlessly, as she started packing some of the equipment for more space. "Besides, I need to forge a few papers here and there to get us out of here, I'll buy you new clothes tomorrow too," she adds, turning towards him, still without a response.

"So, uhh... I don't plan on seeing you in the raw, so... just cover yourself up with a blanket" she sighed, though she meant well, not wanting him to stay in his damp clothes, she felt sorry for the guy. He probably thinks she's a weird pervert now for saying that carelessly. "Sorry, I came unprepared for this part. I didn't know it will rain..." she reasons.

The man finally sits down on the couch and makes himself comfortable, and began slowly dismantling his rifle.

She heaved another sigh, before remembering the gun he has handed her earlier on. "Ah yes, I almost forgot, here's your gun, I-" she paused for a moment and disarmed it, removing the silencer and the bullets and then she felt a certain texture on one side of the gun and saw an engraved quote;

'This is a tool, I am the weapon'

There was no mistake, this was her gun that the agency confiscated before she left for her 2 weeks leave. How did a special ops soldier end up having it?

She looked at him confused. "H-How did you?"

The man's answer was silence and then he took off his night visions goggles and his mask, only to reveal Kieran, underneath the camo.

"Shit..." she muttered under her breath, as alarms started ringing inside her head. This operation was unsanctioned, to begin with, and the only way she was able to carry it was by using her and her father's money, forging signatures for approval and unprofessionally using the companies resources to carry out the rest, which she knew she had distorted the evidence so that they will not find out.

"How... how did you-?" she was lost for words.

"You made a small blunder... that's how I found out..." he says sternly, as he slowly approached her, his expression was cold. She knew what was coming. He was going to kill her in cold blood. It didn't matter if she was his prodigy and that they've been colleagues for a decade, or that he was fond of her. Kieran was first and always a cold-blooded assassin/operative, even before he became the division head. She heard the stories, and she witnessed how cold and cruel he could be. Nor does he take betrayal well. And this unsanctioned operation is considered betrayal in the agency's eyes, and his. And what happens when one commits 'insubordination? if lucky they can get away with getting court-martialed if not, they are 'neutralized'.

Unfortunately, she will be getting the latter.

But she didn't want to die. She wanted to reunite with her family, to finally be there for Helene, after years apart. To finally mourn her mother properly. She didn't want her family to have another person to mourn for. She wants to live, and she will fight to live.

Wasting no time, she throws the gun at his face, as she didn't have enough time to re-assemble everything.

"Fuck..." Kieran cursed under his breath when the heavy metal hits his chests and was followed by the silencer before she made a run for it outside.

*****

The backwoods was dark, and she almost tumbled down, running. Especially now that it rained heavily, the place was slippery. This setback was certainly something she didn't expect. She needed to gather her thoughts and think of a plan C. She did remember that she had kept backup 'necessities' in a locker at the port. She just needed to get there safely and get Kieron off her trail.

However, before she could make her next move. A pair of strong arms wrap around her waist, swung her to his shoulders, and then throws her back down into the ground.

"That's for earlier..." Kieran mentions as he circled around her.

"This is not fair, I thought you were a gentleman!" she says, in spite of the situation.

"I am... I haven't injured you yet, haven't I?" was his playful remark. "Get up!"

She struggled to get up and glared at him. " You think this is a game?"

"And you thought I wasn't serious when I warned you? Remember, every action has a consequence and this is yours..."

She finally gets up and rushes forward to attack him. He immediately blocks her fist, but she kicks his knees, breaking his stance.

He quickly recovers and prepares for an attack, but she had jumped at him, wrapping her legs around his waist, and using the force of her momentum to throw him back down to the ground. She quickly grabs his back leg and twists it.

Quickly wrapping her legs around his, she cranks it the wrong way, pulling it forward, hyperextending it, in an attempt to dislocate and cripple him.

He screams in pain, as she put him into a kneebar submission. However, he quickly counters her move by kicking the back of her knee with his free leg and freeing his other leg out in the process.

Unable to continue the kneebar, Kieron immediately grapples with her once he was free. But she was too quick and got away quickly.

"Not bad..." he laughs.

She tried to catch her breath and glared back at him. She rather escapes than prolong this fight. Fighting against a veteran like Kieron is futile. However, before she could make a run for it, he moves forwards and quickly strikes her in the gut, causing her to lose air and then consciousness.

**********

It was 4 am according to her clock when she gained consciousness once again and found herself with her arms tied up to the bedpost.

The only thing that serves light in the room was the small fireplace, and Kieron was in front of it smoking a cigarette, with nothing but a blanket on, wrapped around his waist.

If this was any other situation, this was a wet dream come true. She had always been curious about the body underneath those sharp custom made, Saville-Row suits and smart apparel he wore to work. He was like those silver fox models that were displayed in GQ and not once did she see him undone and raw like this. Heck, he looked good even when doing violent interrogations.

His body was muscularly lean and well-toned, with scars here and there. In short words, he's damn hot.

She sighs and takes in the sight before her. It was probably the last thing she would see and remember him for before he ends her life.

"Like what you see?" he teased.

"Put a shirt on... you're ugly..." was her rude response.

He laughs out loud and stares at her.

"Just kill me..." she pleads. She was not willing to go through torture and interrogation, and she knew that was coming next.

He gets up and seats down on the side of the bed. "But I'm not done with you yet...." he whispers.

" We can be done in a minute, I will tell you everything. I admit to it. I forged all your signatures for approval, used the agencies resources to gather information and used my own savings to fund this operation. That is all... now... do what you have to do..." she says in resignation. "And do it quick, I don't want it to be painful" she adds.

He takes out a knife and she closes her eyes shut, preparing for what's next. However, to her surprise, Kieran cuts of the rope binding her arms instead, before walking away and sitting back down in front of the fireplace.

"Kieron..." she calls his name whilst rubbing the lacerations on her wrist.

"You're a fool, you know?... I've advised you many times to not do this..."

"The agency will..." she began but he quickly cut her off.

"They're not aware, I've cleaned it up for you..." was his simple response.

"Why-why? you said...-"

"I'm not that heartless that you and others make me out to be..." he says nonchalantly, waving it off. "You're not trained as a covert agent... do you know how worried I was when I found out?"

"Who are you to care? we're nothing but colleagues and your nothing but the heartless department director who wants results! I am well aware that I am just your pawn!" She shook her head. Kieron Sorenson was too cold to even care. " Please save me the pretence..."

He glares back at her and gets back up to approach her. Closing in the distance like a predatory animal and she was his prey.

"Kieron... I-" before she could say anything, he crushed his mouth against hers and much to his surprise, she did not protest or struggle and welcomed it wholeheartedly. Returning the kiss with equal intensity.

He tried in vain to slow down and pull away for them to catch their breath. Only to find her looking back at him with longing eyes.

"Since when?" she asked. Of course, she was confused by this sudden 'confession'. She may admit that she does have a secret crush on the cold-blooded director. But not once did she expect that he had affection for her too.

"The museum..." he whispers huskily, referring to the time he had welcomed her to the agency. She looked so beautiful that day, her head held high, upon proving how wrong he was about her, as she sat beside him in front of the painting. " I wanted to kiss that witty mouth of yours... but that's just unprofessional..."

"You're being unprofessional now..." she remarks.

"I don't give a damn..." he says and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear.

A/N: I think I might have made some grammatical errors. So I'd do soft editing. I'll write Part 2 (SMUT!!!) next after this.

#Stories at 3AM #3AM Stories #i did this at 3am #it's 3am #it's 3 in the morning #Mads Mikkelsen #Mads Mikkelsen AU #Soldier! Mads #AU #Alternative Universe #Original Fiction #Special Forces Soldier! Mads #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fiction #Mads Mikkelsen FanFiction #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fiction AU #Mads Mikkelsen x OC #Mads Mikkelsen x OFC #Mads Fics #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fic #Mads Mikkelsen Fanfic #Spy! Mads #Spy! Mads Mikkelsen

[eros-lyssamay]

I sincerely hope you're okay... I noticed not a lot of people have said anything about your Simon posts - I just read them all. I'm very disturbed that Simon saw your vulnerable state and took advantage of that. I am also bipolar and I can see how manic you are simply by the words on the page.

Please, please take care of yourself. It's very brave to be so open and raw and I appreciate that in people but it leaves you vulnerable to cruelty... I just hope that people are kind, because you have obviously been hurt very deeply. Even after his shitty behavior you still care for Simon and that speaks volumes about how kind you are. I hope you get some support and genuine help if you so need it.

People don't understand bipolar and how out of control it can be. Sometimes it's like being swept up in a hurricane - and we cling to the people who make us feel grounded... Even if they don't have our best intentions at heart. Maybe you weren't perfect but I think it's obvious that you were and are quite vulnerable. That isn't your fault, nor is being groomed and led astray. Please take love and care of yourself.

Wow..... This is so fucking kind, thank you so so so much. And hey! I'm definitely a little more emotionally stable because your kindness didn't send me sobbing! Atavan is my new best friend.

Anyway. I am much better now. Through learning everything I could (and uh... Manic me at least learns what i want very very fast) I have new clarity and peace on the situation.

I was still very sick when I posted the original story and still didn't know so much. I also may have suffered a teeny tiny mental break.

But I've gotten a lot of help! And I know very much now that the character Simon Alkenmayer groomed me and emotionally and mentally abused me. I also know this is a repetitive pattern of abuse. Also. I'm almost certain that Kristina Meister is the author of Simon and is my abuser, as well as that of many others.

People have mostly been very kind so far. The ones who haven't got blocked. I don't play stupid games, I really do mean that.

Yeah bipolar is a fucking mess sometimes especially when you don't know it yet. But I like that people can see that. This is why I'm so open, actually. Even know there is risk doing it, I want people to see.

I love my bipolar self now that I know what I am but I think showing the world how vulnerable we can be when we aren't aware of what's going on as fully is good to see. My motto is that I'm not entirely unique and if I've experienced it someone else has.

So I'm as open and honest as I can be, even when it's in how I was groomed by the character Simon Alkenmayer.( Also, in case I wasn't clear earlier, I have no more love for Kristina or her character. ) Tho also giving me a gag order and then speaking my name publicly did cause that mental break tho. Like. Uh. I made one or two choices I maybe shouldn't have.

Oh well. I still want it out there. I also think seeing how I came to see it as what it is is important. I think it's a good example of what this type of abuse can do to people.

Sorry this is getting long and I don't know how to read more. Hope you were ready for a rant! Anyway. Another thing I want to talk about, because I think it's important:

Guys it's fucking trippy being abused by an author while believing the character was a real person and a monster. When I first learned that Simon is a character, I would constantly have to correct myself because I'd cause myself considering them a real person again. I'm getting better at it. At remembering Simon is just Kristana's monster persona.

Also also.... I am... Well I'm just the fucking hero type. I have a tiny spiderman in my heart that tells me to stick up for others and has since I was young. I've also always had a tiny deadpool in my heart that gives me my dramatic ass bitch side. Put together. I morally cannot do everything I'm capable of to bring awareness to what Simon the character has done and the fact that Kristina Meister is more than likely the person behind it. This is what I do.

But also, to your original point, while I'm shades better than before, I can't say I'm okay. I'm still having frequent severe mood swings and a fuck ton of mania. I've learned very important things that help. But going through everything so fast, especially the situation with S/K, has very much affected my health.

I am at the point I cannot work because i don't think i can handle the stress. I'm getting worked up to the point of panic attack more often and this is causing asthma attacks and my blood pressure is high as shit. My sleep cycle is so absolutely fucked. I'm going to my PCP tomorrow because even though I'm uninsured and broke as shit, I legit need to be medicated ASAP. I am also driving as little as possible because I already hate driving... And I don't wanna mix mania with that as much as possible.

I'm getting better every hour, but I'm not quite okay.

Sorry if that's rough. I'm an open book.

Thank you so very much for reaching out to me. It means more than anything I can explain. I am so very very touched. ❤️❤️

#simon alkenmayer #Kristina Meister #Simon Alkenmayer is a monster #my side of the story #abuse #grooming #anti grooming

[toast-the-unknowing]

Hi there, toast. Cutting to the chase: you're one of my favorite writers — not just one of my favorite fanfic writers. your short stories for the raven cycle are some of the funniest, tightest, emotionally devastating, well-crafted works of fiction i've encountered in awhile — better than a lot """"real-world, published"""" stuff. I kind of want to know more about how you got to this point. I think you've mentioned a background in screenwriting? But I don't think that's your day job? 1/?

2/? Really, I'm asking because you seem to have found a way to write regularly — to develop your chops and publish your art in a way that seems emotionally satisfying for you. to an outsider like myself, you seem to have struck a balance between living a life that pays the bills, and artmaking in a way that feeds your soul. you might not feel that way, i don't know. i'm someone who studied writing in college and am now wondering if and how i can still water that seed....

3/? when the reality is i also need to make money to live. i guess i'm curious about your life model right now, and if you're happy with the way you're currently fulfilling yourself creatively. do you want to be a """""published writer""""" someday? is your job one that is also creatively fulfilling, or is it more to pay the bills so that you can do your own creative projects in your free time?

4/4 I know my question isn't very clear, and I'm not sure it's even one question. the point is, i admire you, and you seem to be in a habit of writing creatively, even though i think you have an unrelated day job, and that balance seems mysterious and desirable to me.

Thank you for your kind words, Anon! I have attempted to write something helpful, but it got very long, so I am putting it behind a cut:

Keeping your art alive when you have to work an unrelated job is not easy. Struggling with it does not mean that you're failing, or that it can't be done, or that you won't get better at it down the road. It's also not the sort of thing where you hit equilibrium and it's all smooth sailing from there. I have gotten better at fitting my writing into my life, and I've figured out strategies and coping mechanisms and how to be better at just making myself do it even if I feel "blocked," but there are still stretches of time where it's harder to manage. Those periods don't last forever, and if it sometimes gets worse, it also sometimes gets better.

I suspect you know all of this, Anon, because you sound like a reasonable person and because you balanced writing and schoolwork, which can itself be tricky. I say it anyway because this is exactly the kind of subject where mean little thoughts like to sneak into your head and make you doubt yourself, and I think we could all use a reminder.

There are many writers who will say that you have to write every single day. Often they will say that you have to write at the same time every single day, or that you need to wake up early to write before work. These writers depress and demotivate me, because I don't actually have a writing "habit" in that there's no schedule or daily goal or set of standards involved. Some days I write a lot and some days I don't write at all. Shaming myself about that fact has never been helpful.

What has been helpful: an increased understanding of my writing process. Realizing I don't have to outline? Helpful! Realizing that generating ideas and fleshing out scenes and shaping the arc of a story and making it pretty are all different skills and some days one comes easier than the others? Helpful! Realizing that I tend to have an "a-hah" moment that tells me what the story is about, after which it's easier to write the story? Helpful! Realizing that if I can't think of an adjective or a line of dialogue or a joke, I can just put an asterisk and come back to it later, instead of halting the entire writing process until I come up with it? Helpful!

I don't know if any of these particular things would be helpful to you, because your writing process probably works differently than mine. Somebody out there absolutely does need to outline before they can write, or so I assume from the fact that it is mandated in virtually every book on writing I have ever read. You studied writing in school, so it's possible that you already have a great understanding of your process; it's also possible you have internalized a lot of other people's ideas of what you're writing should look like. Most of what I know about how I write was learned in the last few years, not in school.

It is also possible that you have a good understanding of what your process looks like when that gets to be the thing that takes up the majority of your time. In which case, you probably need to consider your life and your schedule as it is now. I know, for example, that I don't get much writing done of weekend days where I stay in bed late, even though I still end up with more free time than I'd have on a weekday, so if I want to write on a weekend I need to get up. Are there any times of day, or the days of the week, or the places where it is easier to write? What factors make it harder to write? Can you minimize those factors? When you can't, because you livelihood depends on them, can you acknowledge them as a fact of life and forgive yourself for being affected by them?

It's unpleasant but undeniable that working impacts writing. We aren't able to spend the time we'd like to on writing. We don't have the energy and focus that we had in school, when our writing was our main responsibility. Now our primary responsibility is making enough money to survive, and if that makes us sad to think about, well, it's only going to make us sadder if on top of that we try to hold ourselves to the amount of writing we'd do if that weren't true.

It isn’t strictly a numbers game where more time = more writing, which I think can be reassuring for those of us who don’t get as much time as we’d like for writing. I was unemployed or working part-time for the entirety of 2016 and I did not do more writing in 2016 than I am now. I had more time, but I was much more of a mess, as a person, and I wasn't as dedicated to writing. In a counter-intuitive way, I think it can help to have creative outlets besides writing. It does take time away from something that you already don’t get as much time as you want to do, but it means that you have a place to be creative even when the words aren't coming, a place with less pressure and lower stakes. I've done improv pretty casually for the last couple of years, and aside from the fact that I think improv in particular can be extremely helpful for writers, it means that when I've been unhappy with my writing, I could show up to improv and do a silly voice or shuffle around in a crabwalk and know that I had created something.

These are some things that have helped me write while also working: Improv. Mindfulness about writing. Mindfulness about life in general. Prioritizing my writing (guys, I watch so much less television than I used to). Therapy and medication, to be honest. Remembering why I am excited about the projects that I’m working on. Giving myself freedom to start new stories while also encouraging myself to finish old ones. Having an audience to share things with, because it is hard to write without knowing that anyone will ever read what you are pouring so much of yourself into.

It has taken me a few days to answer this, Anon, because I wanted to give a considered response, and also just because adult life! so busy! I keep coming back to the questions of whether I am emotionally satisfied with the writing I am doing, and whether I have a good balance between my writing and my work. Because I really think that I am creatively satisfied right now, and if I am mostly aware of that most of the time, I don't know that I'd really phrased it like that to myself before. If I had then I had forgotten it. And it's a powerful and wonderful thing to be able to say that to myself.

I have a degree in screenwriting, but I have never made a career of it and am not pursuing one now. The dream used to be writing for television. Before that the dream was to be a traditionally published author. Now...I don't know what the dream is. I would like to do original work again some day. I have a novel in my head that is very important to me, whose characters helped me get through some hard times, and I want to give that novel the life that it deserves. I would like to do something with my screenwriting degree at some point, although it will likely never make me money. Sometimes it feels like failure that I don't have a new dream, and that I gave up on the old ones. But for the most part, for now, I'm very happy writing fanfiction. I've written a lot of stories, particularly in the last few years, that I am very proud of.

But I don't actually have a good balance between art and work, inasmuch as my art makes me happy and my work...doesn't. I have a low-level office job in a field that I'm not passionate about or well-suited for. I don't get out of my job a lot of the things that I do get out of writing -- challenge, investment, a chance to be creative, self-direction, fulfillment, purpose. I have never worked a job where I got any of those things, and it is starting to wear me down.

To be fair: "my job pays me a decent wage and gives me great health insurance but it isn't satisfying" is a privileged thing to complain about, and I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that some people handle these situations just fine, that some people don’t mind a job that demands a minimum of energy and time since that leaves them more to put into their art. You may be one of these people! I am discovering that I am not. Getting no sense of accomplishment from my job contributes negatively to my overall mental and emotional health, which is sucky all on its own, but has the additional effect of impacting my writing.

It's a tricky problem, though. I don't, at present, want to make a living off of writing (and such a career would be precarious), but my current resume and skill set doesn't qualify me for much of anything besides the work I'm already doing (thanks, screenwriting degree). Any attempt to find a job that's more fulfilling would likely involve a big investment of time, money, and/or effort in some kind of school and training, and then...I'd be in a job that demanded more from me, and even if it made me happier than my current job does, how much would that leave me to put into my writing?

I don't know if any of this has been helpful to you. It is perhaps not a clear answer to a question that felt clear when I read it but that my mind muddled up along the way. You may find that once you hit a balance between writing and working, you don't mind the day job grind in the same way I do. You may decide that you do want to pursue writing as a career. You may still be figuring out the employment situation at all and my woes may be worse than irrelevant.

But the timing of this ask is funny; I am soon going to apply to an educational program that would prepare me for a new career in a totally different field, and the thought of how this will impact my writing has very much been on my mind. In the past when I've thought about doing anything like this, that question has kept me from going forward: won't that be less of your time, less of your energy, less of you for your writing? I think this is a real concern with a basis in truth: if I get into this program I am going to have a lot less time and energy for anything outside of it, and I will need to again adjust my expectations of what my writing can look like in my circumstances. But I think that this question is also fear and perfectionism talking, using my writing as a weapon against me, and I'm tired of it.

Balance is a funny thing. I'm actually terrible at basically anything that requires balance: biking, rollerskating, gymnastics, ice skating, you name it. I don't see how anyone pulls it off. You can lean too far one way only to fall over the other way when you try to even out. You can take a turn and suddenly the road is uphill or downhill or bumpy, and whatever you were doing before to stay upright isn't cutting it. You can be going along just fine and then, for absolutely no reason, you're wobbling all over the place. But you can also do a hell of a lot of wobbling without ever falling down.

I think it's just about...paying attention to what's happening around you. Paying attention to what you're feeling and what you want. Not getting fooled by something you're supposed to want if you don't actually want it. Figuring out the things that you need, and the things that would make your life better, and the things that you'd like, and prioritize those accordingly.

I sure hope that's how it works, at least, because that's all I've got. I might royally fuck up my life in the next couple of months, but if I do, I'll adjust and keep going. It can't be any worse than fucking ice skating.

Best of luck, Anon.

#writing #Anonymous