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#I don’t post here to get validation from strangers
cleolinda · 9 months
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Threads update so you don’t have to:
I have not followed many people yet. As such, Threads’ algorithm is populating my feed with anything it can lay hands on. I have to assume it is not, in fact, using Instagram data, because if it were, my feed would look A SHIT TON BETTER THAN THIS. If you like American ball-centric sports, you are valid and I am happy for you, but I Do Not, and my feed is football and basketball posts as far as the eye can see. Also, streaming services’ PR accounts. Lotta Disney properties and Netflix. Something called Wasted posts constantly, I don’t know what it is. Someone who has a cooking show on cable. Various actors. Oh God, this is everything I don’t follow on Twitter. Why am I here.
I sat there muting accounts for like five minutes and then I had an existential crisis and stared at the wall for a moment. If all I’m doing is muting, why am I even there? If I weren’t on it to report back, would I just close the thing and never return? Will it get better as more people join? Part of my problem is that I’ve stayed off Twitter so long that I’m not even sure I enjoy the microblogging format, period, anymore. Maybe I’ll get back into the rhythm of it? But apparently I think in paragraphs, not short sentences. I like having room to clarify what I’m saying. I like the (comparatively) slower turnover of my dash.
The worst part is that you’d say, if you want your feed to be calmer, then curate your experience. Unfollow people. But I can’t, because Threads is shoving strangers at me. So is Twitter these days. Maybe Threads will become The Conversation™ the way Twitter used to be, something worth slogging through to feel “in the know,” but right now, from a usability perspective, it’s not.
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jeonbunnie · 3 months
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hate you
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pairing: reader x jeon jeongguk
summary: This time, the break up breaks Jeongguk
genre: angst
content/warnings: ex-boyfriend!jeongguk; established relationship;break up!au; drinking; suggestive thoughts
Soundtrack: hate you— by Jeongguk
a/n:hi hi! long time no see. thought i’d break into the new year with a lol drabble based on beloved lol drabble i wrote last year. you don’t have to read the last posts to understand but you read them for context here and here.
word count: 1.2K
It's not the truth. It's not the cure. But hatin' you's the only way it doesn't hurt.
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Jeongguk tipped his head back, letting the liquid gold slide down his throat. Chugging his beer was nothing, especially when he’d had so much practice lately. But when he slammed down his empty glass on the bar, there was no satisfaction or warmth blooming in his chest to erase that hollow feeling lingering inside him since last year. 
Since you.
“Hey, slow down,” chided Namjoon beside him. “Haven’t you had enough?”
No. Jeongguk’s sure there’s not enough alcohol at this party to drown out the taste of your lips on his or the memory of what it felt like to hold you in his arms and feel your smile against his cheek. Not when he has a front-row seat to watch you do all those things with someone else. 
But damn it all to hell. He’d rather die trying than sit here sober with the cold, hard reality of watching you move on with someone new. 
Jeongguk doesn’t mean to be an ass, ignoring his best friend’s concerns (he’s sure they’re valid). It’s self-preservation, not noncompliance, that has him reaching back into the cooler to pull out another cold one. 
“Jeongguk, I’m worried about you.”
Jeongguk laughed. “I’m fine,” he said. . . But his voice is low and bitter and sharp like poison.
Namjoon shook his head, “You’re not fine, Jeongguk. You’ve been self-destructing since you broke up with (Y/n).”
“Yeah, well, maybe this is my karma.”
Jeongguk used to think luck or fate brought the two of you together, having always run in the same friend groups and circles. But now, it seemed his luck had run out, or fate thought it’d be a cruel joke to keep him in your orbit even after you broke up. 
No, this had to be some kind of punishment for running away from your love. In return, he was forced to watch your love story play out with someone else.
Literally. Jeongguk’s so fucking jealous; it’s all he can do not to stride across the room and rip you away from the stranger you’re currently entangled with. The sight is enough to make his blood boil, and he can’t help the tick in his jaw or keep the glare out of his eyes.  
 Jeongguk can’t stop staring at the fucker who has his tongue down your throat. 
It should be his tongue down your throat. His hands on your ass, pulling you close and your grinder, your bodies impossibly close, and only hoping to get closer. Because you’re his. 
Or at least you used to be.
The thought alone is enough to have Jeongguk flag down another drink. But before he could reach for another cold one, Namjoon blocked him off. “No. You’ve already had one too many.”
“So what? Who cares if I get a little fucked up?”
“I care. This isn’t you.”
Jeongguk couldn’t help the rueful smile that split across his lips. “Maybe it is me. I fucked it all up.”
That’s the worst part. That ugly feeling in his chest, the jealousy burning him up inside as he watched you love another. It was all his fault. 
It made Jeongguk sick to see you laugh, eyes sparking at something this asshole said because he remembers when that look was reserved only for him. And now here you were, giving it to another. Jeongguk knew he had no right to feel this jealousy. Not when he’s the one who set you free. But still—It should be him taking you home tonight, stripping off your clothes, pounding into your tight little—
Fuck.
Just the thought of having you again had him hard. He couldn’t turn it off, the need for you. He couldn’t keep his hands off you even when he ended things. He replayed that last night in his head like a broken record, but he couldn’t rewind time like he did his memories.
“Jeongguk. . .are you crying?”
“No,” he said. And then, “Maybe.”
“We don’t have to be here. You wanna get fucked up? We can do that in any bar. It doesn’t have to be here. 
“Why are you torturing yourself?” 
“You’re a good friend, Joon. But I can’t. I can’t walk away.” Yeah, he knew it was ruining him, making him bitter, but if this was the only way he could be close to you, then so be it.
He can’t help it. That’s what he tells himself. He can’t help but watch you—crave you—even if you don’t so much as glance in his direction.
Or maybe he’s torturing himself because it’s what he deserves. 
“I’m not gonna watch you destroy yourself over some girl.”
“She’s not just some girl.”
You were everything. You were golden. Or at least that’s what it felt like, loving you. 
You were the heat of summer. The only warmth on a cold winter day. You were the golden light of the first sunrise and the radiant glow of the sun setting low. You were the only bright spot in this cold, dark world.
You were the fucking sun. 
And without you, Jeongguk might as well be dead inside. 
Jeongguk wasn’t blind (but god, did he wish he was right now). He knew it was over. It was clear as day you’d moved on—and worse—that you’re happy with someone new, someone that’s not him. He starts towards you, ready to tell you as much, get on his knees, beg your forgiveness again, and plead for your safe return into his arms when the world tilts and his vision blurs.
It’s Joon who helped him stay upright. Joon, who took the beer can from his hands and slung an arm around his shoulder, guided him through the crowd. 
“You’re so wasted up right now. I’m taking you home.” 
Joon, who drove him back to his apartment and led him to the bed. 
It felt like seconds, or maybe it’s been hours; Jeongguk couldn’t tell. He’s too fucked up to be sure of the footsteps he takes passing between doors. He only knew where he was when his face planted into the comforter, and the laundry scent told him he was home.
Because it’s your scent. Or rather, the smell of your laundry detergent. It was the only thing you left behind when you moved out, and now Jeongguk bought it for himself, clinging to the only piece of you he could have. He could almost pretend you were right there with him if he got under the sheets and closed his eyes.
Jeongguk’s the one who broke it off, but he can’t even remember the reason why now. It was stupid, thinking your relationship was too comfortable, too boring. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but it was good, wasn’t it? Why did he ever want to explore something else? But in the short months you were apart, all he discovered was that for him, there was no one else.
Jeongguk wished he could blame it on something, someone, anything else. It’d be easy to blame it on you, but you were blameless. He almost wished that you lied, that the betrayal he felt blooming had started when you were still together so that this anger inside him could be directed elsewhere.  
It’d be so much easier to paint you as the villain, but that’s not who you are in his story. You’re the one who got away. 
It’d be so much easier for Jeongguk to hate you—not love you.
But he can’t. So, instead, he just hates himself. 
For being weak and losing you.
For falling in love too late. 
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stoat-party · 5 months
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Fallout 4: Where is the Lone Wanderer?*
*a vague conspiracy theory which doesn’t actually answer the question at hand. We all have our own ideas of how the lore should go, and I’m sure yours is very canon-compliant and valid, but this is mine and I have support for it. Looooongpost.
First off: What do we know about the canon Wanderer?
We know they activated Project Purity (or had a companion do it) without the FEV and were inducted into the Brotherhood. We know they’ve met with MacCready (you can’t finish the game if you don’t), and he has dialogue indicating they had further contact. They also took the Brotherhood’s side at Adams Air Force Base.
We don’t know what happened with The Replicated Man, but since the canon Wanderer appears to have good karma, and info from 4 implies Zimmer’s disappearance was more recent than ten years ago, it seems likely they took the boring ending, which secures their membership in the Railroad.
Why aren’t they in Fallout 4?
The Doylist answer is that they’re highly customizable, and so they have no canon appearance, personality, gender, etc. But in-universe? Something happened.
“Accepting outsiders like yourself has proven disastrous in the past.” - Kells
“I've seen other soldiers come and go. Some were brave, some were honest... hell, some were even downright heroic.” - Danse
“Every doctor I've talked to was worthless. [] I don't need them... I need someone like you.” - MacCready
When Duncan first got sick, “someone like you” would have meant the Wanderer. This suggests (to me) that they’re not in the Capital Wasteland anymore. But they’re certainly not in the Commonwealth either.
The weird thing is that the Lone Wanderer is all over this game - they’re the namesake for a male hairstyle, a perk, a DCR song, a motorcycle brand… and the codename of Deacon’s mission to save the Railroad from certain destruction by recruiting the Sole Survivor.
Someday We’ll Find It, the Deacon Connection
Oh yeah, I’m going here. Desdemona’s terminal entries confirm it was always Deacon’s plan to get you onboard and use you to destroy the Institute. There are Railroad lookout posts near 111/Sanctuary and Red Rocket, and of course he followed you in Goodneighbor, Diamond City, and Bunker Hill (at least). His court jester vibe hides it a bit, but he’s manipulating you more than he’s manipulating Desdemona in the intro scene. And do you notice he rarely gives you a firm verbal disapproval unless you’re hurting the Railroad?
What could have caused Deacon’s interest in you, unless he’s made the connection between you and the Lone Wanderer? He’ll vouch for you if you haven’t accomplished anything yet, or even if you’re a Brotherhood member. A Pip-Boyed stranger emerges from a vault in the middle of a crisis, gaining friends, skills, items, and special abilities at a suspicious rate? Probably with the same gender and playstyle as the previous one? Heck, when he first heard the rumors, he probably thought you WERE the Lone Wanderer.
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There are other indications the Railroad has been in contact with them — Desdemona mentions the Capital Wasteland as their primary destination for synths, and Deacon references Harkness’s recall code. If you refuse to pick a codename, Desdemona even assigns you “Wanderer.”
So what happened, then?
I think the answer lies with the Brotherhood, specifically in Deacon’s hatred of them. Sure, ideology is enough to hate them for, but Deacon sure seems suspiciously happy if you nuke their base of operations. (Some of) his comments on that:
“The Brotherhood... well, I met them on an op in Capital Wasteland a few years back. But now with Elder Maxson... Let's just say, not a fan.”
“That bastard Maxson really screwed them up. The Brotherhood used to be the good guys. Well, goodish.”
[Who’s Elder Maxson?] “He’s a piece of work, is what he is.”
And on his time in the Capital:
“Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Capital Wasteland? Now there's a tale.”
“Capital Wasteland. Exports: purified water, some decent tech, oh, and an insane suicidal cult that worships radiation. Thanks, guys.”
“I miss Capital Wasteland. You can actually drink the water there.”
And a few lines I’ve decided (with no evidence) directly refer to LW:
“Last partner I had wound up going... well, a little insane. I think it was all my show tune medleys.”
[After Maxson orders you to hunt Danse down] “See? This is what the Brotherhood's really about.”
And my favorite: “I’ve been looking forward to kicking the Brotherhood’s teeth in. I owe them.” This line comes before Glory is killed, so he’s not referring to that. The Brotherhood only recently arrived in force in the Commonwealth. He’s talking about something that happened in the Capital Wasteland.
So Here’s What Might Have Happened:
In early 2286, Deacon moves to the Capitol Wasteland for awhile, probably to get a face change and lay low for a bit. He contacts the Lone Wanderer, who has barely heard from the Railroad in nine years. They begin to work together.
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(In context, this journal entry looks like he’s somehow gathering intel to predict when Vault 111 will open, but I can’t think of a way for him to get that information or know why it’s important, so I’m not going to believe it just yet.)
The Wanderer is still a knight, maybe a paladin. Maxson has been elder for 2-3 years and is monitoring the Institute. Meanwhile, the Lone Wanderer and Deacon are setting up infrastructure to receive escaped synths.
And then the Brotherhood finds out about one of the safehouses. With their limited understanding, they believe that the Institute is holed up there and attack. The Wanderer intentionally throws the mission — maybe disobeys orders, maybe downs a vertibird or collapses a subway tunnel, or maybe even attacks their brothers to protect the synths.
And, well-
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Either they were killed, or they escaped court martial and execution by a hair’s breadth and fled the Capital, leaving Deacon to believe Maxson had them killed.
There you have it. That’s why they aren’t in Brotherhood dialogue or records. Their accomplishments couldn’t be recognized because they’re a traitor. And that’s why it’s personal for Deacon.
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beautifulhigh · 6 months
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It just occurred to me that the polo scene doesn't get much love as it should. I know it's very short but just the thirst in Alex’s eyes, the way you can see his mouth dry while watching Henry ride that horse and his oh so sexy smile. I feel like that scene required a major dissection, and no one does it better so I came calling.
You know what? I'm doing this one now. I know I said I would do a meta on Henry Fox and I would do a meta on the New Year's Eve party but this is in my inbox now and yeah, let's talk about the polo scene.
(I'm also doing this now so I don't have another thing on my To Do pile, and your kind words made my shitty day a little better so thank you.)
Short scene, not a short meta.
In the book when he and Henry are in his bedroom, Alex has this little moment of clouds parting, sun beaming, angels chorus revelation:
In an instant of sudden, vivid clarity, he can’t believe he ever thought he was straight.
And while movie!Alex doesn't have the same bi awakening that book!Alex does. this is very much his moment of "oh I am very not straight at all" and that is valid of him.
(As this is a Jen meta, we shall also be talking about everything else because you do not analyse a text in isolation.)
This interview talks about the editing of the polo match:
Nick [Moore], my new editor coming in, took a look and he says, “I wanna try something with that polo match.” He spent a weekend of his own time doing something, and then he was ready to show me. He sat me down and said, “I’ve done something crazy.”
And we went from filmed scripted scenes and a lead in, to "bagpipes intensify" and it works SO well for where these boys are in this new stage of their relationship.
Our establishing shots are of the teams, the horses, the uniforms. This is Henry's world and Alex is about to step into it (which is a reversal of Henry at the NYE party - I swear I will write that meta once I have all the gif posts I want to link to) and it's all quick cuts and sharp transitions and moving shots. The pace has been set for Alex to enter.
We pick him out in the crowd but he's lost as quickly as we spot him. He's one of many here and it's all too quick to stay with him.
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Firstly, you will never convince me that he didn't pick the tightest trousers he could find. Henry's comment about him being a mouthful is foreshadowed, right there.
ANYWAY
He walks in, he's looking around, he's doing up his jacket as a form of protection. Alex is the proverbial fish out of the proverbial water (and I have a meta about water if you're interested) and we're straight back in with the quick edits. Horses, polo sticks, this is not a game most people know how to play. Alex certainly doesn't. He's doing up his jacket and he is uncomfortable.
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He is not a stranger to a suit, and that is certainly not something that is ill fitting. It is circumstance, not clothing.
And then we get our first clear shot of Henry. Only it's not clear, not at first. He literally comes into focus.
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Stick aloft, mouth open, like he's a walking riding metaphor.
And Alex's face changes.
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Yeah. He is definitely not straight.
From then on we stay with Henry. We, in Alex's viewpoint, have found him. And so we track Henry through the game and it's just generic horse legs if we're looking at anything else. The only player we/Alex see is Henry.
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Here, Henry is leading. Going in first, checking it's clear, knowing Alex will follow him. Henry leads, Alex follows. Into the garden, into the bed, into the sexual component of their relationship. Alex admits to Henry right from the start that this is new to him:
“I’ve, uh,” Alex begins. “I’ve never actually done this before.” “Alex,” Henry says, reaching down to stroke at Alex’s hair, “you don’t have to, I’m—” “No, I want to,” Alex says, tugging at Henry’s waistband. “I just need you to tell me if it’s awful.” Henry is speechless again, looking as if he can’t believe his fucking luck. “Okay. Of course.”
When it comes to being with a man? Henry leads, Alex follows.
And then the pacing and editing kicks off. We intercut to the tempo of the bagpipes between the match and the hook up and Henry is leading the charge on both.
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He's in charge and Alex is LOVING it:
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Turns out being on the receiving end of Henry’s royal authority is an extreme fucking turn-on.
This is risky and the most dangerous thing they have done so far. Amy walking in on them in the Red Room is one thing - book!Alex is VERY thankful for the staff NDAs when it comes to what they know about him and Henry - but neither of them care here. And Alex is very much letting Henry take the lead and set the pace.
Which, given how long Henry has wanted Alex, wanted this, and how he's not able to live and love (at this point) as openly as Alex is, giving Henry this control means that not only can Alex continue his education in this mlm era of his life, but he's giving Henry all of the freedom he can. God Bless America or something.
We intercut the make out scene with shots of things being hit, the hard slamming of one thing against another, of riders in saddles. The hands may be a metaphor for sex in the Paris scene but we have it here as well.
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Alex is fully on board by this point and he's not letting Henry set the full agenda. In his White House bedroom we got the scene of Henry going down on Alex (and there is no way that it was a one-way exchange given how long they were there) so now? It's his turn.
My favourite editing choice?
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We then cut to Henry's arse bouncing in that saddle. If the Paris scene is making love? This is them fucking. Henry is bouncing away, riding for all he's worth, chasing down his singular aim with precision and determination.
It's innuendo at its finest.
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I love this shot. We're looking up at them - we're just like Alex who is now looking up at Henry due to his new vantage point (#NoLongerTaller) - and we see Alex is fully crowding up into Henry's space. And they are right by the door. There is no cover, no escape. Anyone coming in has fully caught them. Please let there be a PPO or a Secret Service be just outside. Please. For their sanity if not mine.
But even if there isn't for some insane reason, they don't care. They are so lost in each other, so caught up in this moment, that they aren't FSOTUS and the Prince Of Wales. They aren't boys with status and expectations. They're just two consenting adults who are testing the boundaries of what public indecency actually means.
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They are really going for it now. Henry's arm is tensed with the effort of keeping Alex close, his hand is splayed on Henry's back to give him contact with more of him. They are not letting go. Diving all in like it's a nod to the Olympic event where they met in the book.
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And when they come up for air it's because Alex is... well... about to go diving.
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Those fingers make VERY quick work of the belt and what he is doing with his hands and those fingers is further evidence in the "this is them fucking" category.
And then the frame which I'm guessing inspired Cordelia's ask to me:
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LOOK AT THAT FACE. Look at those fucking eyelashes. But Alex is wanting and he is wanting hard for Henry. Pun intended. He's got a plan for this, he's got a To Do list for those Very Bad Things he promised/threatened Henry with all those weeks ago.
And it will have been weeks. The State Dinner was around February time based on the texts (end of January at the latest) and then Henry says the polo match is "next month" (which would put it end of February, early March because we would not say 'next month' if it were next week, regardless of when the month starts) and so it's been weeks since they hooked up in Alex's room. Weeks of having to just text and email and maybe venture into video calls.
None of that would compare to being together.
This is the first time that Alex has gotten his hands on Henry since his bedroom and he's desperate to get more than his hands on him.
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And this shot as Alex pulls Henry's trousers down is fucking pornographic. Matthew López, did you direct Nick to act like this or was it his choice? Go watch his expression as Alex is pulling the offending clothing out of the way and tell me that this isn't pornographic.
And then we cut to the not-at-all subtle shot of Henry well, making the shot. With ease and power and the ball shooting out of frame. Something something orgasm metaphor something release.
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There's even a little wisp as he makes the shot. If this post isn't flagged for mature content I'll be surprised.
Next shot?
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Congrats on not getting caught, on the sex, on the most smut-filled-while-almost-fully-clothed-sex scene I've ever had the joy of frame-by-framing through.
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Alex is doing up his tie again but he's not uncomfortable. And Henry is so fucking happy I could cry. Because he just hooked up with this guy, in semi-public, and got away with it. They are firmly in Henry's world here, a world where he can't be out and proud, and he got to have something he wanted. And, maybe crucially, no one knows about it. His privacy is intact.
But more importantly, this thing he's got with Alex is something. It's not a one night stand. Alex came here specifically for him, because he asked him to. Because Alex wanted to see him, be with him. This wasn't an obligation, this wasn't something set up by anyone for show and to do damage control. This was for them, and them alone.
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Look at these smug bastards. Look at them. Gettin' their rocks off and making puns about being hungry and eating like they didn't just devour each other.
BUT
I gotta bring the feels here 'cause it's me.
Henry attended the State dinner because he was expected to, because that was in place before the New Year's kiss. It was an obligation and in both the movie and the book he had been ghosting Alex. And then Alex grabbed him in the Red Room and they hooked up and at the end of that scene Henry nervously asks Alex if he wants to be his guest at the polo event. Alex doesn't actually say yes - he says he doesn't know how to play polo, there's a comment about it being safer if he's on the sidelines - but leaving aside any fear that he would stand Henry up this is the first time they have made plans with the intention of seeing each other, of being together in this way.
This is, for want of a better term, kinda like a date.
Alex turned up, Henry put out, and they're very much committing to seeing where this path will take them. (Forever. It'll take them to forever.)
Alex isn't straight, Henry is very much in love, and they're embracing that giddy phase of a relationship where you just can't keep your hands off each other. And we fade from this to Paris where they're on another kind of date and then there's another kind of sex scene and it's a speedrun of their relationship on screen like they weren't indulging in foreplay with all the text flirting.
Which, by the way, don't think I didn't notice that Henry's jersey number was 4. Four-play indeed.
(Thanks for this, Cordelia, I needed something like this to soothe my brain.)
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minisugakoobies · 7 months
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Paradise | JJK - Fourteen
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Pairing: Jungkook x Reader
Genre: smut, neighbors to lovers (not quite friends but not quite strangers), slow burn, love triangle, Stripper!AU
Rating: M (18+)
Warnings: drinking, references to blow jobs that happened like 60 seconds before the chapter starts, Jungkook's a bit possessive, Jin's a bit jealous, mentions of pregnancy, references to sex, 2021 AMAs Jungkook is the wedding visual, special guest stars Woosung and El Capitxn
Word Count: 7.5k
Disclaimers: NSFW, obviously I don’t own BTS - they just inspire me
Summary: That sexy man on stage - the one currently giving your friend the lap dance of her LIFE - is your super shy neighbor, Jeon Jungkook?!
A/N: Happy two years of Paradise!! 🎉 Two years ago today, I posted the first chapter of what was going to be a five-part series. So to say I can't believe we're here is really no joke!! Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, reblogged, sent me asks or DM'd me about this series - this is all because of you! 💜💜💜
Unbeta'd as usual. Please don’t be a silent reader, I’d love to hear from you! Taglist is open. 💕
Previous Chapter ♦️ Paradise Masterlist ♦️ Next Chapter
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Turns out that impulsiveness looks pretty good on you. 
Or so you think to yourself, catching your reflection in the mirror of the men’s room as you leave Jungkook to collect himself after giving him the best blow job of his life (your words - although, based on the look on his face as you’d swallowed, you might not be far off). 
You hadn’t planned on dragging him into the bathroom like that, but upon seeing him walk out onto the terrace in that grey belted suit, looking like an absolute dream, well, you simply could not help yourself.
You also hadn’t meant to tell him you missed him last night. But you had, because you did. God, when had you turned into this - this massive simp? It was only yesterday morning that you’d woken up in Jungkook’s embrace. You’d barely spent 24 hours apart - so why were you so desperate to get back into his arms?
Of course, none of this matters right now. There are only minutes to go before the ceremony begins, and you need to pull your head out of the clouds and get back to Jennie and the others. Starting by escaping the men’s room sight unseen.
“YN!” 
Or not.
As soon as you close the door, you hear Jin’s voice calling to you. He’s standing at the other end of the little hallway, near the entrance to the reception room.
“Hey,” you reply, trying to be the most nonchalant you’ve ever been in your life, as if you weren’t just gagging on Jungkook’s dick in a public bathroom. 
Jin smiles as you approach, but there’s a gleam in his eye that makes you nervous, and you’re so busy trying to come up with a valid excuse for why he saw you emerging from the men’s room that you apparently forget how to walk, trip over the hem of your gown, and crash directly against his chest. 
“Easy, tiger!” he laughs, arms locking around your back as he helps you stand back upright. “I’m used to ladies throwing themselves at me, but only you’ve taken it literally.” 
You roll your eyes, but you’re pretty sure he’s not lying about fighting off admirers, given that he looks like a supermodel in his crisply tailored tuxedo. His bowtie is a little crooked thanks to being squashed by your face during your ungainly landing, so you gently fix it, and Jin thanks you with a soft grin. 
“I left my glasses at home, so tell me - did I just see you leav-” Jin suddenly stops in the middle of his sentence, his gaze drifting over your shoulder. “Oh. Nevermind, I see.” He takes a step back, arms falling from your waist.
Another hand slips into yours. 
Jungkook didn’t wait very long before following you out of the restroom. He squeezes your hand as you glance at him, but he stares directly at Jin, nostrils flaring slightly, eyes narrowed, lips pursed tightly as if - as if -
Oh, shit. 
“You left this behind, jagiya.” Jungkook turns to you, his face shifting into a softer expression as he produces your clutch like some sort of trophy. You must’ve left it on the counter. “Did you want me to hold it during the ceremony?” 
Your brain is lagging severely at the moment, trying to process two major facts at once. Fact one: Jin obviously realized that you were with Jungkook in the bathroom. Fact two: you completely forgot to tell Jungkook that Jin would be at the wedding. Which, given the events of the last 24 hours, it’s understandable that it slipped your mind, but this isn’t how you’d expected to officially introduce them. And he doesn’t exactly look thrilled to run into him now. 
On top of that, Jungkook has asked you a question. And is now waiting for an answer, while Jin watches in polite silence. 
“Um. Yes. Sorry, yes, can you keep an eye on it for me?” 
Jungkook nods, tucking the clutch into his jacket and patting it lightly. “Of course,” he says, nodding solemnly, as if you’d just asked him to protect precious goods and not a cheap bag full of tissues and mints. 
Jin clears his throat lightly. 
“Oh! I’m sorry, Jin, this is Koo- Jungkook. Jungkook, Jin.” 
Of all the ways for these two to meet, this might not be the most embarrassing, but it’s definitely up there. There’s still a bit of Jungkook’s taste lingering on your tongue as the two men shake hands, Jin wincing slightly. 
You try to quickly fill Jungkook in. “Jin’s the best man.” 
“Sure am.” Jin grins. 
“He and Yoongi grew up together,” you add, ignoring Jin’s little interjection, knowing that Jungkook didn’t miss it based on the way his jaw flexes violently, as if he’s gnashing his teeth. 
“Nice to meet you, Jungkook. That’s quite a grip you have there.” Jin slides his hands into his pockets. “YN’s told me a little about you.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” Jungkook replies, inclining his head slightly. His hand returns to yours, fingers locking firmly. “Wish I could say the same, but YN never mentions you.” 
You try to control your face as you look at Jungkook. What did he just say?
Jin just grins wider. “So… she said you’re a dancer?” 
“Yeah, I'm a dancer. But I’m also an artist,” Jungkook replies, chest puffing out slightly. 
“Yes! You should see his work, Jin. He’s an incredibly talented painter,” you add, and the corner of Jungkook’s mouth twitches, like he’s holding back a smile. “I might actually have a photo on my phone…” 
Jungkook doesn’t give you any time to check. “Y’know, I think I’ve heard of you. You’re a cook, right? I think my halmeoni watches your show.” 
If Jungkook intended that as a jab, Jin shows no sign that he felt it. “Well, technically, I’m a chef. And a restaurateur. But yes, I do host a successful cooking program - actually, it’s about to be turned into a series for a major network.”
“Right. So like I said. You cook.”
Jin’s the one twitching now, his eyebrow rising slightly at Jungkook’s blasé tone. But rather than looking annoyed, Jin looks amused. Meanwhile, Jungkook is still glowering. You, though? Your smile feels a little strained as you try not to react to the snarky shots being fired off around you. Jungkook seems more rattled than you’d expected by Jin’s presence. You’ve never heard him talk like this. 
“You’re right, I do cook a little,” Jin laughs. “I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it. But YN could tell you, since I’ve cooked for her a few times.” He glances at you, the sparkle in his eye you’d noted earlier back and twinkling a little too merrily for your comfort. “From what I remember, she’s been pretty satisfied every time.” 
And you’d thought this couldn’t get any more awkward than running into Jin post-beej. How silly of you. 
Jungkook’s fingers grip yours tighter. “And yet not satisfied enough to ever bring it up. Huh. Sounds like it was kinda forgettable.” 
Jin’s eyes flicker to yours questioningly and you cringe, still struggling to come up with anything to say that could make this conversation less tense. At this point, you’d be better off wishing for the ground to open up beneath you, as useless as your brain is being.
Jin coughs. “Anyway, YN, Yoongi asked me to tell you to tell Jennie that the officiant is running a little late. Nothing to worry about!” he adds hastily upon seeing your concerned face. “Just caught in traffic. But on his way.” 
Great, another thing for Jennie to stress out about. “Okay. I’ll let her know.” 
Guests are starting to fill up the rows of chairs on the other side of the glass wall. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Lisa heading towards you, waving your bouquet. Thankful for the interruption, you stretch out your hand. 
“Come on, we’re cutting it close on time!” she announces. “Hey, what happened to your lipstick?” 
“Uh…” Rather than answer, you opt for escape, tugging on Jungkook’s hand lightly to urge him to follow you. “One sec, Lis. Come on, Jungkook, let’s find you a seat.” 
“See you at the altar!” Jin calls behind you, and you wince, feeling Jungkook stiffen momentarily. 
There’s an empty chair on the end of a row on the bride’s side. Jungkook folds himself into it, placing your clutch delicately on his lap. 
“Um, so, we already took photos earlier, so I’ll just come find you after the ceremony.”
“Okay.” Jungkook chews on his bottom lip, nodding. 
An unsettling feeling comes over you. Should you apologize for not telling him about Jin? Or say something about what just happened in the hallway? What did just happen, anyway? 
Through the glass, you can see Lisa waving, pointing at her watch. Shit. Whatever happened, you’ll just have to talk about it later.
As you turn to leave, Jungkook grabs your wrist. He threads his fingers through yours, pulling you closer to him, until his lips brush your cheek. “See you soon, jagiya.” He gives you another soft smile, sunlight sparkling in his eyes. The angry scowl from the hallway is nowhere to be seen. 
Your head is a mess as you follow Lisa. How had you not mentioned to Jungkook that Jin would be here? Damn, maybe he was right - maybe you really never talk about Jin. 
Both men had warned you when you started dating them that they could get competitive. Apparently that meant passive aggressive disses and weirdly possessive behavior. If this is how the two of them are going to behave, you’re in for a long day. 
A small room cordoned off from the rest of the rooftop restaurant has been turned into the bride’s waiting room. Jisoo’s doing a last pass on Jennie’s makeup when you arrive. She takes one look at you and reaches for a tube of lipstick sitting on the makeshift vanity. 
“Babe, what happened to you? You look stressed.” 
Rosé hums in agreement. “I expected you to stumble in here looking more satisfied than that. You dragged Jungkook away at lightning speed!” 
“Pucker up,” Jisoo orders you, and you obey, letting her fix your lips. 
“Mmm, well, I found her talking to both Jungkook and Jin in the hallway, so maybe that has something to do with it?” Lisa pipes up, eyebrow raised. 
“Oh shit, did something go down?” Rosé asks, a little too excited for your taste. 
“Well, actually,” you start to say, then shake your head. This is the last thing you need right now. This day is too important to be derailed by your love life. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Oh, but Jin did say that the officiant’s running a little late, Jennie. He’s on his way, so there’s no need to panic, but the ceremony might start a few minutes later than planned.” 
“Oh, see, Jennie? I told you there was no reason to worry - now you’re not the only one who’s late!” 
“Jisoo!” Lisa hisses. Rosé covers her mouth to suppress her giggles. 
Jennie, who has been sitting silently since you walked in, inspecting her appearance in the makeup mirror, lets out a strangled sound that’s a cross between a laugh and a wail, and buries her face in her hands. 
“Girl, please do not make me fix your makeup again,” Jisoo pleads as she crouches next to Jennie. You pull up a chair next to her and sigh, rubbing Jennie’s arm lightly. 
“Ji’s lame attempts at humor aside, how are you feeling?” you ask.
Your best friend is absolutely radiant in her white gown, dark hair tumbling in gentle waves down her back as she turns to you. 
“I’m still okay. I know things were a little… dramatic yesterday, but really, I’m okay today. You guys don’t have to keep asking me how I’m feeling.” Jennie clasps your hands, giving you a soft smile. “I’m excited and I’m nervous but more than all of that I’m ready to marry the love of my life.” She pauses. “I think maybe I should use the bathroom again, though. I guess I have some time.” 
“I’ll help you,” Lisa volunteers, gathering Jennie’s train and following her out of the room. 
You’re quiet until the door closes behind them. “Okay, was anyone else expecting her to freak out about the ceremony starting late?” 
“She’s keeping it together, somehow,” Jisoo shrugs. “I think she’s still a bit in shock, honestly. But she’ll be okay.”
“She’s fine, as long as no one mentions anything about the you-know-what,” Rosé informs you, crossing her arms as she glares at Jisoo. 
“You don’t have to censor yourself when she’s not in the room.” Jisoo rolls her eyes. 
Your friends fall into their usual bickering, but you’re too deep in your thoughts about Jennie to bother telling them to knock it off. Maybe Jisoo’s right and she’s still adjusting. Just another reason to try to stay focused on her and make sure everything goes perfectly for her and Yoongi.
It’s the least you can do for your friend, after the day she had yesterday.
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Yesterday
Friday morning brings you a sweet surprise. You weren’t expecting to wake up with Jungkook in your bed. He spent most of the night making you forget all about Taehyung’s joking offer to drop to his knees at your promise to help him, doing such a good job that you’d almost forgotten your own name, too. You’d figured he’d slip out in the middle of the night after you’d fallen asleep. 
You were wrong. He’s still here, all messy bedhead and sleepy eyes, laughing quietly about alarm clocks and wrapping you up in his arms. He follows you like a puppy as you start your morning routine - into the shower, back into your room, and then into your kitchen - and honestly it’s no wonder that you decide to take the day off to spend it with him. The thought of repeating yesterday and hanging out with him all day is too tempting to refuse. Even though you’ll see him pretty much all day tomorrow at the wedding - look, if he’s down for it, then why not?
And then somehow the universe decides that your day has only been maybe a solid eight out of ten so far and decides to kick it up a few more notches, by offering you a possible life boat off the sinking ship that is your job. 
Hey YN!
I know this is ridiculously fast, but my company has an opening, and I think you’d be great for the job! Long story short someone unexpectedly quit yesterday, so now we have a position we  need to fill immediately. I hope it’s okay, but I’ve given your name to our VP in charge of hiring and she’d like to bring you in for an interview! She asked me to reach out and see if you’d be all right with coming in next week - I know that’s fast, but this is for a new project that’s being rushed to production so we really need someone to crunch some numbers ASAP! 
Let me know if you’re interested!
Best,
Wendy
As if that’s not enough, Jungkook offers to help you practice for the interview, and suddenly you can’t see through the hearts in your eyes. Could he be any sweeter? You thank him, and he kisses you, and you melt, lost in his warmth. 
Jungkook’s voice brings you back to reality. “How many more emails do you need to answer?” 
“Um…” you stare at your laptop. “Let me just respond to Wendy and then I’m done.”
“Cool.” Jungkook stretches. His t-shirt rises with the motion, his Adonis belt briefly visible, and you know he’s caught your stare when he smirks. You quickly turn back to your computer, but he just wraps his arms around your shoulders, catching you in a back hug.
“I’m gonna go home and take off these dirty clothes,” he murmurs, teeth nipping your earlobe. “Come find me when you’re done. I’ll be waiting.” 
“Fuck,” you breath. Jungkook laughs, obviously pleased at the effect he has on you. He’s such a tease sometimes. You’re trying to figure out how to flip the tables on him when your ringtone starts trilling.
Be still, my heaaaaart…
“Oh god, I bet that’s my boss, wanting to talk me out of taking off.” You frown as you check the screen. “Shit, it’s Jisoo. I gotta take this.” 
“Hey, do you have a second?” Jisoo’s voice comes through a little strained. And loud. She’s talking over some sort of high-pitched wailing. It takes you a minute to figure out that it’s a person’s voice making that sound.
“Ji! What’s going on? Wait, what’s that sound? Is that Jennie? Is she crying?”
“Yeah, that’s Jennie. She’s - she’s had - well,” Jisoo sighs. “Look, I’m over at her place because I wanted to treat her to a manicure today because I know she’s been too busy to schedule one and you know how she gets about her nails so I thought it would be a nice surprise but when I got here - oh, you know what, this is not important to the story, why am I telling you this?” 
“Just get to the point, Ji!”
“I’m trying! I’m sorry, it’s been a big morning and - what?” There’s a muffled conversation happening suddenly, and you stare blankly at your computer as you wait for Jisoo to return. You don’t know what the hell is going on, but you don’t like any of it.
“Just ask her to come over!” you hear Lisa say in the background. Lisa’s at Jennie’s, too? 
“I was getting to that!”
With a frustrated sigh, you try to get Jisoo’s attention. “Okay, okay, I’m coming over!”
“Do you mind? I know you have to work-”
“No, I’m not working today, I….” You pause, knowing that Jungkook’s just in the kitchen, likely able to hear everything you’re saying, not wanting to embarrass yourself by admitting that you took the day off just to be with him. “It’s a long story, I’ll explain when I get there.” 
You don’t end up explaining anything once you arrive. That’s because as soon as Lisa opens Jennie’s door, she greets you with a tiny white stick bearing two little pink lines. Rosé is right behind her, beaming from ear to ear. 
“Oh my god.” 
“I know!” Lisa grins, throwing her hands in the air. “Baby Min, coming to you soon!” 
You frown, glancing over Lisa’s shoulder. “Where is she?” 
The sound of Jennie’s crying gets louder as you approach the master suite. When Lisa stops outside the bedroom closet, you grab her arm. 
“Before I go in there - are those happy tears or sad tears?” You’re pretty sure you already know the answer, but you need to know what to expect. 
Lisa grimaces. “Somewhere in the middle, I think.” 
Jennie’s curled up beneath the hangers of clothing stuffed into the closet that she shares with Yoongi. She’s wearing one of his oversized hoodies, sniffling into the black material as Jisoo, smushed into the corner beside her, carefully untangles herself. 
“Tag, you’re in,” she says, taking the hand you offer to pull her to her feet. 
There’s not a lot of room for you but you squish yourself in as best you can, and immediately tuck Jennie against you. Jisoo closes the door behind you. 
“Hi, babe.” 
“Hi,” Jennie’s voice is wavery and small, so far from her usual confident, cheerful tone, that it hurts your heart. “Did they tell you?” 
“I saw.” 
Jennie settles against you, hiccuping slightly through her tears. “This wasn’t part of the plan.” 
“I know.” 
Jennie has been mapping out her and Yoongi’s future pretty much since the day they met. They both want to start a family, but Jennie insists that they enjoy their honeymoon period first. And she’s determined to make tenure at the school where she teaches before taking time off to have kids. She wants to have it all, but at her own pace and on her own terms. Which means timing everything out so meticulously. So carefully. 
Gently, you brush a lock of hair from her wet cheek. “So… do you know how…” 
Jennie sighs. “Pretty sure it was the night of my bachelorette party. I came home and Yoongi asked how it went and um, I kinda couldn’t stop talking about my lap dance.” Your friend’s face flushes at the memory, and you bite back a grin. You’ll have to tell Jungkook he left a lasting impression. “And Yoongi… well, you know how he gets competitive sometimes?” 
You can’t help it. You burst into laughter. 
“Yoongi gave you a lap dance?!” 
“God, I wish I’d seen that,” Jisoo says from the other side of the closet door. “I’d love to know if he’s got moves.” 
In all your years of friendship, you’d never known Yoongi to do more than a simple side-shuffle whenever Jennie would drag him onto a dance floor. The thought of him performing an erotic lapdance is too much for even your overactive imagination to conceive.  
Jennie just smiles to herself. “Believe me, he does.” She glances at you shyly. “He’d kill me for telling you this but… you don’t think Jin choreographed his routine all by himself, do you?” she laughs, referring to the night Jin danced for you, and your brain breaks a little trying to picture Yoongi doing the same moves. 
The closet door flies open. 
“I’m gonna need to hear every last detail about that,” Lisa proclaims. 
“Same,” Rosé adds, and Jennie laughs for the first time since you arrived. She sits up, dabbing at her face with the sleeves of Yoongi’s hoodie. 
“Ugh, my face is going to be so puffy tomorrow.” 
“No, it won’t. We’ll take care of you,” Jisoo promises, already on her feet. “I’ll go raid your kitchen for supplies. Do you have any cucumbers?” She’s gone before Jennie can answer, Lisa scrambling behind her.
“Anyway… we always use protection, but you know how they say it’s not 100% foolproof? Yeah, turns out they’re telling the truth.” She stares at her sweater paws, suddenly forlorn again, and you give her a tight squeeze. 
“I’m sorry, babe. I know this is… a lot.” 
“Yeah. And I just…” You don’t say anything, just wait patiently until she finds the words she’s searching for. “I just feel like a failure. You know? Like, it’s so stupid, but…” She shrugs. “I feel like everything’s ruined now.” 
“Oh, Jennie, no!” Wrapping both arms around her, you sigh. “Accidents happen. That’s life! You can make all the plans you want but you can’t control everything. There’s chaos everywhere! And even if you do your best to avoid it, sometimes it gets through. And it’s not always bad! I mean… look at me and Jungkook. He came out of nowhere. I didn’t plan to start dating him and Jin at the same time. I didn’t know it was gonna get serious. I thought…” you trail off, realizing you’re making it about yourself. “Sorry, this is not about me.” 
“No, it’s ok, finish your thought. Tangents and diversions are good right now,” Jennie informs you.
You bite your lip, weighing your words. “Back when Jin and I met, when you introduced us, I just thought… this is it. This is my chance to have what Jennie and Yoongi have. Something real. Something safe and steady.” 
Jennie nods, encouraging you to continue. 
“And then Jungkook… he’d always been so close but I’d never gotten to know him. He came in and opened my eyes to another possibility. To something exciting and different and - and passionate, and, oh god, I sound like a shitty romance novel, don’t I?” Burying your face in your hands, you laugh. 
“No, go on!!” Rosé says. 
“I’m just trying to say - plans don’t always work out. But that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. And sometimes, the unexpected can be exactly what you want. Or need.” 
Jennie sighs, and you can feel her relaxing against you for the first time since you sat down beside her. 
“I hear what you’re saying. And I’d like to believe that. It’s just… really difficult for me to accept that I’m not always in control.” 
“That’s a fucking mood,” Jisoo says, returning from the kitchen with a mug of tea in her hand. Lisa carries a bowl of some sort of cucumber concoction, and the two of them settle on the floor outside the closet. 
Rosé scoots across the carpet until she’s close enough to take one of Jennie’s hands. “Back to your chaos, if that’s what we’re calling it. Is it too soon to ask you what you’re gonna do?” 
Jennie groans, pulling the oversized hood over her head. 
“I’m gonna take that as a yes.” 
“I just want to get through the wedding,” Jennie states, voice muffled by the soft fabric. “I’m getting married tomorrow! And I don’t want anything to - to ruin it. Or make things weird, or more stressful than they already are. I mean, fuck, I think my halmeoni is already upset that we’re not doing a traditional wedding. Imagine if she finds out I got knocked up before marriage!” 
“Okay, then we’ll make sure no one finds out tomorrow.” Lisa glances at everyone and you all nod in a wordless pact. “We’ll do whatever it takes to make sure your day is as perfect as you’ve planned. You know we will!” 
“Does Yoongi know?”
Jennie peels her hood back to look at you. She shakes her head. 
“I took the test this morning, after he left for work. I’ve been so busy lately that I didn’t even realize I was late until today! Ji was the first person to find out when she showed up, and then she called the rest of you.” She pauses, fiddling with her sleeves again. “I think I’m going to wait to tell him until after the wedding. We’ll need to have a serious talk, and there’s too much going on right now.” She glances up. “Is that - do you think that’s okay?” 
Once again, she seems lost. This time, when you go in for a hug, Rosé joins you. 
“Babe, you can tell him whenever you’re ready! It’s your body.” 
“Yeah, but we’re in this together…”
“And you’ll be in it together still, no matter if you tell him today or tomorrow or next week.” Jisoo declares. She holds the mug out to Jennie. “And we’ll be here too.” 
“Yes. Maybe this is good chaos. Maybe it’s bad. It’s up to you to decide how to react - how to move forward. Whatever you decide, you know we’ll be by your side the whole time,” you declare, your sentiments echoed by the other girls. 
Jennie blows lightly on the steaming drink. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you guys,” she says, choking up slightly, and everyone else starts talking at once. 
“You deserve the world!” Rosé coos. 
Lisa shakes her head. “We’re the lucky ones, babe, having you in our lives!”
“How’m I gonna depuff your face if you keep crying?” Jisoo tuts. 
You just rise to your feet, laughing. “Come on. Ji said something about manicures earlier. Let us pamper you today, so you’re ready to knock Yoongi off his apparently very talented feet tomorrow.”
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NOW
The officiant is only a few minutes late, and the ceremony goes off without a single hitch. You and the other bridesmaids join the groomsmen flanking Yoongi at the altar. In addition to Jin, there’s Yoongi’s brother Geum-jae, and two of his friends from work, Yi-jeong and Woosung.
As a string quartet plays the wedding march, Jennie walks down the aisle, beaming more brightly than the sun, and you catch a glimpse of Yoongi’s face, bearing such an openly reverent expression that it makes your eyes flood with tears. The officiant begins his speech, and Jennie and Yoongi stare at one another as if the rest of the world has fallen away, with nothing left but the two of them and their love.
Watching them almost feels like you’re intruding on a private moment, so you turn your face to the rows of guests, searching without thought for Jungkook, smiling when you find him already gazing your way. Your chest nearly buzzes as warmth spreads there, matching the glow in his eyes. 
Because Jennie and Yoongi chose to take photos before the ceremony, there’s no cocktail hour after the ceremony. Instead, everyone is seated for dinner. The happy couple sits at a table for two on a small dais in the front of the room. 
There are no tables large enough for the entire wedding party. There are also no seating arrangements for all of you, either. Jennie had worked very hard on the seating chart for all of the guests except the wedding party. (“You guys figure it out. I’m tired.”) So you quickly claim a seat at one of the two empty tables left open, with Jungkook taking the spot next to you on one side and Jisoo the other, with Rosé next to her. 
As the wait staff brings out the first course, you slide your chair a little closer to Jungkook. “Hey. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that Jin would be here.” 
Jungkook’s eyes widen slightly. “Oh. Jagi, it’s ok.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure it is,” you reply. “That was not the way I wanted to introduce the two of you. It was, uh, not ideal.” 
Jungkook’s silent as he sips his water. He works his bottom lip between his teeth again, and you wish you could see inside his head, could get some sense of what he’s thinking, because sitting here waiting for him to say something makes your stomach churn a bit.  
Finally, he sighs, reclining back in his seat as he looks at you. “I’m sorry if I made that uncomfortable. I wasn’t expecting to see him.” 
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t mention he was part of the wedding. Truly, it slipped my mind.” Repeatedly. You bite your lip, struggling to figure out what to say. This doesn’t have to be a thing, but you also don’t want them at each other’s throats all night. “But there’s no reason it has to be weird or ruin the night. Because I’m here with you, Kookie. Not him.” 
Your pulse begins to pound. It’s like you’ve just laid your heart on the line. Jungkook’s furrowed brows relax, doe eyes blinking slowly as he absorbs your words. 
“Is this seat taken?” 
You turn to find Jin standing with a hand on the empty chair across from you. 
Jisoo lets out a tiny “Yessss, game on,” and you covertly kick her under the table. 
“Uh, I think Lisa is going to -” Glancing around, you don’t finish your sentence as you spy your friend sitting with the groomsmen. Oh, right. Lisa has her eye on Yi-jeong, having basically all but explicitly called dibs that morning when she saw him in his tuxedo. You can’t really blame her. “Nevermind.” 
“Please, join us,” Jungkook offers, gesturing to the table. He says it so kindly that you can’t help but gawk at him in surprise. He doesn’t meet your gaze, but his palm rests on your thigh, rubbing lightly. Reassuringly. 
Your heartbeat returns to normal as Jin smiles. “Thanks.” 
Despite the ceremony being so modern, Jennie and Yoongi opted for more traditional dishes for dinner. For several minutes, there’s mostly an easy silence over the table, as everyone enjoys the janchi guksu and banchan in front of them, only the noise of clinking utensils filling the air. Well, that and the sound of the servers running back and forth to the bar, trying to keep up with drink orders. 
Jisoo, as usual, is the first one to break the silence.
“Okay, Jin, professional opinion on the guksu?” 
Jin chews thoughtfully for a few minutes. “I think they went a little heavy on the spicy soy sauce in the broth, but the noodles are just as tender as the ones I make. Oh, but you’ve had my noodles, YN, what do you think? Do they compare?” 
All eyes focus on you, including Jungkook’s. You swallow quickly. “Um, I think these are just as good! And I really like the broth, to be honest.” 
“You do like it spicy,” Jungkook murmurs under his breath, quiet enough that only you can hear him, and when you glance over, you’re met with that teasing smirk of his. It’s back again. For some reason, that’s more comforting to you than Jungkook’s hand on your thigh. Your heart does a somersault. It’s getting a real workout tonight. 
“You know, I never really thought about it, but it must be hard for you to eat in public. People are probably always asking you for your opinions on their food, or tips on how to make it better,” Rosé says. 
Jin shrugs. “Comes with the territory, I guess. I’m not gonna complain if people value what I think - and I’m always happy to help anyone improve their skills.” He swirls his wine glass before taking a sip. “But I suppose there can be a downside, too. Sometimes I just want to enjoy a meal without being asked to provide a full critique.” 
“I can understand that,” Jungkook replies. Again the other heads at the table swivel. 
“You can?” 
Jungkook nods. “Yeah. Like, right now, I bet you’re all expecting me to be the first on the dance floor, right?” He laughs as everyone suddenly becomes very interested in their meals. “It’s okay. That’s how it is whenever I’m out with friends. I can’t just sit at the bar and have a drink. And I definitely can’t just sway with the crowd. Everyone expects me to show off.” 
“I mean, I’m definitely hoping to see you turn up,” Rosé confirms, and Jungkook laughs again, gesturing at his point being proven. 
“Sure, that sounds annoying. But outside of going out with your friends, how often are you in a situation where you’re asked to dance? People stop me everywhere. When I’m out shopping. When I’m on a plane. I even once had someone ask me for deglazing tips while I was at a funeral! It’s not quite the same as being asked to do the robot at the club.” Jin shakes his head dismissively. 
Rosé mumbles, “I thought you weren’t gonna complain…?”
The two men eye each other for a few seconds as you hold your breath. Then Jungkook huffs out a laugh. 
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s not the same. That sucks, dude.” 
You exhale, settling back in your seat. 
Jin just hums, eyes darting back and forth between you and Jungkook before he speaks. “I suppose it’s just a small price to pay for being so successful.” He tips his wine glass back, emptying it. “Where are the servers hiding? I need a refill.” 
“See, this is one of the benefits of being a financial analyst - absolutely no one wants to talk to me about what I do,” you grin. 
“That’s because no one understands what you do,” Jisoo declares. 
“She’s right.” 
“Thanks, Rosé.” 
Jisoo points her spoon at Jungkook. “Okay, but real talk, you are going to dance tonight, aren’t you? You wouldn’t deny us a show!”
“Ji, we just had an entire conversation about this!” you groan, throwing your hands up. “Can you not?”
“What? I’m just saying! The man is a born performer. Right?” 
She looks at Jungkook, who nearly chokes on his wine in his haste to answer.
“Uh. Yes?” 
“Right. So there’s no way you’ll leave us disappointed.”  
“Let me get this straight - if Jungkook doesn’t dance for you, you’ll be disappointed?” you ask. “Hold on while I call Jimin and Taehyung real quick. Wait, sorry, I mean Min and Tae.” 
“All I know is suffering,” Jisoo sighs.
“Oh, relax, Kitty Cat,” Rosé giggles, nearly doubling over at the confused look on Jin’s face. 
As Jisoo loudly laments her choice of friends, Jungkook bends towards you, mouth brushing your ear. 
“Don’t worry, jagi, whether or not I dance here, you can still have a private performance later. I’d never deny you.”
Heat works its way through your body as you shift in your seat, squirming slightly from the low rumble of his voice and the promise laced within. There’s a sudden prickling at the nape of your neck, that nagging sensation of someone watching you, but when you follow the feeling and glance over at Jin, he’s staring at his empty wine glass. 
The tapping of a fork against stemware draws your attention to the married couple’s table. To your immense relief, Yoongi and Jennie had decided to nix the best man and maid of honor toasts, opting to say a few words themselves. Normally, Jennie does all the talking for the pair, but to your surprise, Yoongi rises to his feet, and the room falls silent.
“Jennie and I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for coming. It means the world to us that you took the time out of your busy lives to celebrate with us.” He glances down at his bride, who smiles back, and Yoongi’s gummy grin gets bigger than you’ve ever seen it. “As you all know, Jennie and I have been together since our first year of college. We’ve been through so much together - college, grad school, finding jobs, losing jobs, moving from apartment to apartment - but we weathered it all, because we always had each other.” 
Jennie’s cheeks are wet as she smiles at her husband. Yoongi takes her hand. 
“Jennie, I don’t know what life has to throw at us yet, but I want you to know that I’m never worried, as long as I have you by my side.” He presses a kiss to the back of her hand, and there’s a chorus of awwww’s from the guests, including yourself. Jisoo rolls her eyes, but they’re already spilling over with tears, and you poke her in the side as she laughs.  
“Here’s to you, my love. And to all of you with us here tonight. We can’t thank you enough for your love and support. Geonbae!” He raises his glass.
“Cheers!” his brother shouts, and the cry is echoed around the room as everyone raises their glasses to the couple. 
Just when you think you couldn’t be happier, once again you feel a hand slip into yours, pressing palm to palm, fingers threading through. Jungkook doesn’t say a word, too busy clinking his drink against everyone else’s, but his hand tightens around yours when you look at him, and you feel as though you could float right through the ceiling if it weren’t for his strong grip. 
To think that you nearly hadn’t asked him to come here with you. What a mistake that would’ve been. Thank god you’d ignored the constant fear and doubt in your head and listened only to the steady sureness of your heart. 
You’re getting better at it.
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YESTERDAY
After you coax her out of the closet, you and your friends turn Jennie’s apartment into a mini spa, trying to help the bride-to-be relax. By mid-afternoon, as everyone is giving each other manicures, you realize that the window on your day with Jungkook is swiftly closing, so you text him to let him know you won’t be coming home any time soon. 
Not long after that, the door to Jennie’s apartment opens, and Yoongi walks in, trailed by Jin. 
Jennie greets her fiancé happily, hugging him with her hands held straight out so as not to smudge her pretty new pink tips. “You’re home early!”
“Couldn’t focus. Decided to call it a day.” As ever, Yoongi seems completely unfazed to see you and your friends at his apartment. Sometimes you wonder what it would take to ruffle him. Probably something extreme like the zombie apocalypse. “Figured I’d grab my stuff and then get some dinner with Jin.” 
Although they weren’t holding to every tradition, Jennie had insisted that they spend the night before the wedding apart. So Yoongi would be crashing at Jin’s tonight. 
Jin nods at the sound of his name. “By ‘get some dinner’, he means ‘take advantage of his friend’s restaurant and score a free meal.’” 
“As if you weren’t the one who offered,” Yoongi drawls, ignoring Jin’s squeaky chuckling.
“Sounds good, baby,” Jennie smiles as Yoongi presses a kiss to her cheek before he shuffles down the hallway towards their bedroom. “Do you guys wanna get some takeout?” 
While Lisa, Rosé, and Jennie argue about what they feel like eating, Jin catches your eye. “Hey, you got a second?” He jerks his head towards Jennie’s kitchen. Rising from the couch, you follow, closing the door behind you. 
“What’s u-oh!” Your question becomes an exclamation when Jin suddenly pulls you in for a hug, long arms wrapping around your waist as he holds you tight. 
“Just wanted to get you alone,” he says, nose brushing yours as he smiles. “Hi.” 
This is where the butterflies should come in. Standing this close to this incredible specimen of a man, this paragon of perfection, would normally send them flittering through you. Shivers should be running down your spine. Any number of excited reactions should be happening right now. 
Right. 
Now. 
Except… they’re not. 
“Hi,” you echo, grinning a bit weakly. Jin doesn’t seem to notice anything wrong with your smile, locking his hands behind your back. 
“I heard you got some good news today.” 
Your eyes widen as your stomach goes into freefall. 
“You know?” 
How? How on earth could he know about Jennie being pregnant?? Shit, did Lisa leave the pee stick out somewhere? Jisoo told her to put it -
“Of course I know! It’s my show.” 
“It’s your show?” What the fuck does that mean??
Jin honks in delighted laughter at your obvious confusion. “The interview Wendy emailed you about - that’s for my show! The one Nosh picked up?” 
The room tilts as gravity returns your stomach to normal. “Oh! Oh, wow!” Of course. The new project Wendy had referenced - it was Jin’s cooking show! “Wait, so we might be working together?” 
“Yes! Er, maybe! I don’t know how closely or whatever, but basically, the Nosh execs told me Wendy’s firm is responsible for budgeting and figuring out revenue streams and - and that’s really all I remember, sorry.” He laughs. “Most of what they said went straight over my head, to be honest. But I spoke to her on a conference call today and she told me they had an open position for the team that’s assigned to my show, and she’d asked you to interview.” 
“Wow, that’s really…” you trail off, lost in thought. “Isn’t it… the other night at the networking reception, weren’t you saying it might be a travel show?” You have a vague memory of Jin telling you what he wanted to do with his show if it got picked up by a network.
“That’s right. I pitched it as an exploration of local delicacies that often get overlooked by tourists. I’ll be going around the country, visiting tiny, off the beaten path restaurants and bars, and learning how to make their favorite dishes.” 
Traveling for work. That was one of the perks Wendy had rattled off when she’d given you the sales pitch for her company. So, if you got this job, did that mean you’d be traveling with Jin? 
Your mind is already wandering, thinking about what this new job might entail, when Jin brings a hand up to cup your face. His thumb traces your jawline. 
“Wouldn’t it be amazing? You and I, on the road together. Me, discovering new meals to cook for you…” His voice drops, a low murmur meant only for you to hear. “Maybe picking up some new dance moves to show off…” 
He rolls his hips slightly, jostling you right out of your tumultuous thoughts. 
“Doesn’t that sound good?” 
“It does,” you reply, mouth moving on autopilot, not waiting for your head to decide if it agrees. 
“I know I haven’t had the time to take you out properly, and I’m sorry for that. But this is my chance to show you that I’m still in this.” He sucks in a deep breath. “I like you. And I’m hoping it’s not too late for me to say that.” 
If this were a romantic movie, the music would swell now, strings soaring as he tips your mouth towards his. It’s a perfect moment, lush lips caressing yours, sweet and unhurried, lingering like he doesn’t care if anyone else walks in. 
It’s a perfect moment, for sure. Just, not for you. 
“Jin,” you begin, stepping out of his embrace, “I need to tell you something.” 
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A/N Pt. 2: To be continued!! (Sorry, the chapter was getting a bit long and this felt like a natural stopping point… what do we think so far??)
Masterlist 💜 Find me on AO3 💜 
© 2022-23 by sunshinerainbowsbts/minisugakoobies. Crossposted to AO3. Please do not copy or repost.
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abrcmswrld · 1 year
Text
Talk to Strangers
Edward Nashton x Coworker! Reader
━━━━
Word Count: 4,951
Warnings: smut (18+ only MDNI), stalking, unprotected sex, angst and fluff and smut, a decent bit of tears, obligatory mentions of murder
Summary: You’ve warmed up to Edward despite his cold nature, but what happens when the puzzle pieces start to fall together and you can feel someone watching you in the darkness?
Authors Note: I actually tried so hard on this yall, I posted this to my ao3 page first so I am sorry if the formatting is all kinds of messed up on here :( This is my first fic i’ve posted since 2017 so I sincerely apologize if it’s meh, i also don’t have anyone else proofread my fics so i apologize for any errors i missed! enjoy!
Ao3 Link
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He's arrogant. Oh so arrogant, and you can't fucking stand it. You watch him every morning as he strides in, past your desk at reception, white button up shirt, clear framed glasses, shaggy hair that falls over his forehead . He's certainly not a hit among the office, so maybe you're not wrong in your feelings. Though your other co-workers generally regard him as a pushover- not a self-absorbed asshole. He's good at what he does, sure. He's earned his spot, but he often brings a shadow into the rooms he walks into. A presence that you can only describe as infernal.
You don’t know much about his story. You generally pride yourself on getting to know the people you surround yourself with, but he has never let you get close enough to find out. Maybe that’s why you find him arrogant. He thinks he’s too good to speak to you for more than two sentences related to files he needs you to fax for him. What you do know about him is that he’s been at KTMJ for longer than you have been- maybe 5 years more. You can still remember the first time you met. You were fresh faced and eager. Seeking validation, in desperate need of some stability.
You extend your arm for a handshake. His hands are slightly clammy as he accepts your handshake. And though you had greeted him with your brightest smile (might as well go all in if you ever wanted to be anything other than a receptionist) he hadn't smiled back. He'd kept a rather straight face as he gave his brief introduction. "Edward."
Now you have a sense of stability. Sure, the quality of life in Gotham is subpar and you still haven't received that promotion, but you make enough to live comfortably in comparison to others in the city. You try to count your blessings.
━━━━
You had already been having a shitty day. Your landlord had informed you of an increase in rent rates by slipping an envelope under your door. Sure, it sucked to be asked to pay more for an apartment that could be deemed shitty by any normal person with a pair of eyes, but it was the lack of communication that got you. Not even the decency to call your residence and tell you with their own voice. Just a slip of paper under the door.
But you tried to bring a good attitude to the office. You hate being the one to damper the mood. You would rather leave that to him. Always him. Never smiling back at you as he walks through the door, never meeting your eyes to acknowledge your presence, nothing. And you were used to that. It would be okay, if it weren't for the stack of papers that laid on your desk when you got in. Neatly stacked with a green sticky note reading "Need copies. -Edward" scrawled in messy handwriting. You immediately feel the flames rise into your chest.
It's a quick stride from your desk to his cubicle, stack of papers tightly tucked into your fist. You slam them onto his desk as soon as you reach it, and he raises an eyebrow at you in response. "What the hell is this?" He glances at the papers and back at you. "The copier isn't working. I wrote what I needed." You sigh, annoyed at the fact that he doesn't understand.
"You couldn't have waited for me to get here and brought them to me yourself? I would really appreciate it if you would treat me like a human being every once in a while, ya know, actually acknowledge my existence." You realize how dramatic you must sound, but in all honesty you've been thinking it for years, it was only a matter of time before it came out. "I needed copies. I didn't think my acknowledgement meant that much to you." He holds his hands out in defense, feigning that he actually cared if he had hurt your feelings.
"I think you think you're smarter than everyone else here." You plant a hand on the table in front of him as you crouch to his level.
He sighs and you can see the corners of his mouth twitch. "I do. Is that so bad?"
"It makes you an asshole."
He finally faces you.
"Better to be an asshole than to be an idiot."
His voice doesn't carry any malice, yet the words feel like a slap in the face to you. It leaves you scrambling for a response, opening your mouth only to close it a second later. Until you decide to merely respond with a nervous chuckle. Sure, you thought his response showed his ego, but you had to admit. He got you. He faces you once more at the sound of your light chuckle, green eyes meeting yours completely. "I guess you're right."
You catch the corners of his mouth turning upwards.
"If it means that much to you, I will greet you next time."
━━━━
And he does. Greet you that is. You find yourself talking to him more and more. Sitting in the break room with him at lunch, looking over his shoulder at the crossword puzzle he works on at his desk and giving your best shot at an answer, relishing in the furrow of his brows as he turns to look over his shoulder at you. He's an asshole. He's arrogant. But there's something about him that's drawing you in. Sometimes you feel like a fish caught in a net. All those moments he'd brushed you off and yet you find yourself repeating the little quirks of his soft smiles in your head. You hate the term "work husband", but it seems that Edward is slowly becoming the very definition of that.
You don't speak outside of the office, but you find yourself gravitating towards him when you're stressed. You tell him about your landlord and the reason you had gotten so defensive with him. He understood.
"It's a cesspool here. None of these people actually care about people like us, not the landlords, not our coworkers, certainly not the politicians." He had said in that moment.
As October rolls around and the leaves begin to fall, you find yourself beginning to bring two coffees to work, one for you, one for him. He always shows an appreciative nod. But the moment you start to think about asking him to actually go out with you for coffee is like being the fish pulled out of the water and accepting it's inevitable fate. You were gonna let him drive you insane.
You're sure of it as you are caught up in the nerves and find yourself softly grabbing his hand to stop him outside the front doors of the office. You quickly pull your hand from his. no doubt blushed a deep red. But he just stares, waiting for you to speak. You clear your throat. "I- um- Sorry, I was just gonna see if you had plans now." And it pains you the way he doesn't speak, just continues to stare.
"There's a diner on the corner near here. I think they have decent pie."
He loosens the tension in his shoulders and looks down. "Oh. I'm actually sort of drowning in... paperwork right now." He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable. God, you hoped you hadn't made him uncomfortable. "I'm sorry."
You quickly shake your head and let out a breathy laugh. "Oh no! It's totally fine, I probably have paperwork to finish too." You hope it hides the pang you feel in your chest. "I'll see you tomorrow." You swiftly turn and walk away before he can respond.
━━━━
But you wouldn't see Edward tomorrow. Matter of fact you wouldn't see him for the next three days after Halloween. You try not to let it bother you.
It's the beginning of a cold November, he's probably just sick or desperately needed a vacation. Or perhaps you'd seriously fucked it all up and he couldn't even stand the sight of you. You can't stop the deep sigh that comes from you as you rest your forehead in the palm of your hand. Embarrassingly, you ask Zach if he's heard from Edward. Not that you expected him to be particularly helpful. "Are you guys, like, fucking?" You are stunned and stammering your words. "Wha- No! No. I just worry about him."
"Look, I wouldn't worry about him too much, I mean the guy's basically a fucking recluse. When do you ever see him outside of here? Maybe it's good that he's somewhere besides here."
Still, there's no chance of you actually focusing on work and you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through news headlines, before one in particular catches your eye.
'Mayoral Incumbent Donald Mitchell, Jr. Murdered in his Home on Halloween Night.'
Holy shit.
━━━━
Edward is back at work after three long days, and despite your worry of his annoyance and anger, he is oddly elated.
It's the first time he approaches your desk. Leaning against it, coffee cup in hand, and flashing an awkward smile before asking, "So did I miss anything?" It leaves you a little taken aback, but it's a relief to see him approach you willingly after your last conversation.
"Um yeah, Zach was a total prick as usual- Oh! And our mayor was murdered."
He raises an eyebrow and takes a sip from the coffee cup. You feign annoyance, "No but seriously where were you? I started to wonder if that psychopath got you too."
He smiles. "Just sick. November weather and all."
━━━━
The first time you see the green mask you are in a huddle of coworkers around a computer screen.
'Police Commissioner, Pete Savage, Murdered. Killer Leaves Shocking Confession.'
"My God. What a sick freak." Zach interjects.
You can barely stand to watch. The video is hardly graphic aside from the disturbing voice of the masked man, but the implications of what happens when the video cuts off leaves your stomach turning. You walk away. Desperate for some space, but also desperate for a distraction. Edward sits straight in his office chair across the room. You hesitate slightly before striding toward his desk and leaning your weight against it. You can feel the sweat beading at your forehead as you lightly brush hair from your eyes. "Shit."
It's merely a whisper to yourself, but he turns his head to face you. For once his face shows concern towards you. Yet he still says nothing, only looks. Observant as always.
"Sorry. I needed to get out of that." You gesture towards the group of coworkers still huddled and murmuring among each other. He glanced back, before turning back towards his work. "The news?" He inquires quietly.
"Yeah. It's a little too much for me to stomach." There's a little pause as if he is hesitant to say anything before finally replying, "They were pricks. Don't you think they kind of deserved it?"
You straighten up, looking at him with shock. "I think they were still people with families." He frowns at you before you finally walk away from his desk to make your way to the restroom. You needed to get a grip.
━━━━
Edward apologizes for his insensitivity after work. You had stayed with him outside of the building long after all of your other coworkers had left. "It's fine." You refuse to look at him as he lights a cigarette and gets in a few quick puffs. You're being mean. But if you're honest the combination of his rejection and his comment earlier in the day had set you off. "And I'm sorry for last week." Only then you look up at him.
"I've had a lot going on, and it feels a little unfair to bring you into all of that."
"This feels like an excuse to let me down easy. It's okay if you just don't want to go on a date-"
The feeling of chapped lips on your own stops you mid sentence. He tastes of coffee and cigarettes and you crave more, but he pulls back quickly. His free hand remains at your cheek, holding your face in a gentle caress. "It's not an excuse. Things are just complicated for me right now." His eyes never leave your face. It's the best look you've gotten of them. Of him. His features are gentle behind shaggy hair and acetate glasses.
Something feels wrong and eerie in the back of your mind. Like seeing him this close gave you a sickening feeling of deja vu. Things were definitely complicated. The bags under his eyes were showing his exhaustion well, he had gone from elated to unwell since his return. He seems like a broken man, but he'd never let you close enough to find out why. You can't help but feel the connection, like he deserved a shot even if he didn't want it. Even if he thought he was smarter. Even if there's a side to him that could hurt you. You push down your feelings of uneasiness.
You press a chaste kiss to the corner of his lips.
"When you're ready."
━━━━
You're awake nearly all night the next weekend. Spending the entire time digging through news about the figure known as The Riddler, his possible next targets, possible identities, and most importantly all of the video footage he'd put out in the last few weeks. It's certainly not healthy. You generally steer clear of these sorts of things. Years of therapy had gotten you far and you would rather not ruin it by desensitizing yourself. But you can't help it. You find yourself going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole until you find yourself tuning into his streams late at night.
He speaks with such a confidence in himself. As if he has all of the answers, and is just waiting to enlighten the world. His followers are even more terrifying. They'd do anything for him. You wonder how low a person must be in life to resort to this sort of behavior. But, you're not a psychiatrist. Who are you to speak on these people. These strangers.
"We are going to cleanse this cesspool of city."
You slam the laptop shut.
Sleeping isn't easy after this sort of activity. You should've known. You turn on a show you don't actually care about to give yourself some sense of security in background noise. And soon you find yourself drifting asleep. It's not great sleep. You can sense yourself tossing and turning, but you can deal with it. Everything is fuzzy until you find yourself on your back.
Paralyzed.
It's not uncommon for you to experience sleep paralysis, but you've experienced it less after your time in therapy. You try to keep your breathing steady, trying to convince yourself that whatever you see is merely a hallucination.
Shh. Shh. Just breathe.
But the figure that appears is familiar. That's what scares you the most. The green coat and mask is horrifying as it inches towards the bed, and you can't scream. you can't move away. You can only watch the blood drip from his gloved fingertips onto your floor as he stares. Tilting his head at you slightly, as he brings a hand up to his head. You can hear your heart pounding and you are practically internally begging yourself to wake up. The latches on his mask pop open and you're horrified to find that the face underneath is so familiar. A slight smirk on lips you have kissed before. Blood dripping from a hand that you've held before. You try to scream. Tears falling down your temples until he is suddenly gone and you shoot up in your bed.
You can't hold back the cry that escapes your throat. It wasn't real, he's gone, and you're safe in your room.
━━━━
Until suddenly the safety of your room begins to feel a lot less safe. You hear it. The creaking of the floorboards at night, the slight tapping against the glass of your bedroom window. The slight squeak of leather rubbing and rustling together. You're too scared to open your eyes those first few nights. You'd rather be blind and take your fate than die in paralyzing fear.
But you know it's him.
It was never unclear what was staring at you in the night. Maybe the nightmares of the leather gloves touching your skin hadn't been nightmares at all. You want so badly to be sickened. To run into your bathroom to empty your stomach out of panic and fear. Instead you feel a strange mixture of annoyance and arousal in your gut.
He thinks he's smarter than you.
You find yourself playing into his games.Attempting to one up him. To show him you aren't scared of him. That you can keep up. You begin to deliberately change in front of your window. Letting lacy fabric hit the cold floor and standing just a tad longer, stalling before covering yourself back up.
You hope he's watching when you peel off your work tights. You hope he's imagining himself on his knees tearing the delicate fabric from your form, only to be blocked by a thin pane of glass. You wanted the upper hand.
You hope he's watching as you sink two fingers into yourself, thinking about crisp, white button ups and clear framed glasses.
━━━━
The next few weeks are tense at work. You heard the news of what happened to Gil Colson at Don Mitchell's funeral. Edward would walk in everyday, and attempt to greet you, only this time it's you who is short. You have a little hope that he can't see straight through you. But you can see it in the way that he looks at you that you're an open book. Who's to say that he won't just watch, but actually kill you to keep you from talking. But deep down you both know your lips are shut tight.
So you work through the days, just ready to get home. You can hardly stand to look at him. It makes you feel like you're an accomplice. A sitting duck for a man who probably doesn't even care about you, withholding a tip to the police because deep down you really do like him. And you had hoped he liked you too until things got complicated. Now you think it would just be best if he abandoned you right where you were. But he doesn't. In fact, he suddenly has more courage than you'd ever seen from him. It's evident as he catches you by your arm and pulls you into the alleyway beside the office after work is over. It's dark and you'd be lying if you said you weren't scared, but he kisses you like nothing is wrong. Like he has no clue. Like nothing has changed.
You pull away from him, wide eyes staring back at him. "Are you okay?" He asks quietly as he brushes a hand up your arm. You can't help the break in your voice. "I know, Edward."
He just stands and stares. "What?" You take two steps back. "You're killing people." He continues to stare. He drops his hand from your arm. The silence scares you more than anything. But he simply sighs.
"I think you should go home and get some rest."
And before you can argue he walks away with a quickened pace.
━━━━
So you do. You return to your shitty apartment and try to compose yourself. What would he do now that you said that? Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you had accused him of something he genuinely didn't do. But it didn't feel wrong. You sigh as the hot water hits your back. You had hoped a shower would help you feel refreshed, but for the first time in a while, it feels like a chore. You can't enjoy it, so you rush through it. As you step into your bedroom you stop in your tracks. The window is slightly ajar, a cool draft flowing in tingles your bare legs. And then you see him. The figure in the darkness of your room. This time you're not dreaming.
He's in your room. You're paralyzed. The position you swore you'd never let yourself be put in. He's got the upper hand.
He just stands there. A part of you wishes he would attack you. Kill you. Anything just to break the still silence. You realize you're shaking. You agreed to play his game and now you're trailing his lead, allowing yourself to be beaten.
"Edward."
It comes out as a shaky whisper, but he visibly takes it in as he steps toward you to close the distance. You can see his eyes crinkle at the corners through the green mask. He's smiling. And he reaches a gloved hand to your face, cupping one cheek. You can feel the warmth radiating from his hand even through the glove. So, he is human. The Riddler has a beating heart and flowing blood. He is not a cold, lifeless monster. His stoic frame you had become so familiar with at work was gone. He catches a tear from your cheek with his thumb.
He is terrifying.
"No more through the window. I'll be gone soon."
Before you can entirely comprehend the statement and it's implications, your brain forms the word that leaves your mouth. "Gone?"
He simply smiles again, this time reaching his hands behind his head to abandon the mask he had come in with, and there he is. Cherubic features glowing under the street lamp light that flows in from your window. "I watched you live for a month. I watched you eat, sleep, undress, touch yourself. But you knew that right? Otherwise you wouldn't have put on such a show."
You attempt to struggle away from his grasp in disgust at his words but he holds you tight in front of him. "But that's alright. I'll tell you the truth because I hate liars. I liked knowing that you were doing it all for me. I wanted nothing more than to cleanse Gotham, to give them true salvation, but you put a dent into that plan. You became a distraction that I foolishly indulged." The soft light is hitting his features just right. He looks like an angel in devils' clothing. And his tight grip is right back to a gentle caress. His hand reaches the small of your back and you're sucking in a shrill breath.
His kiss is soft, inexperienced. Much like the other times you had kissed. But he is treating you like glass that might break. You think it might be the first time you've seen him relax enough to be seen as a particularly gentle being. He's ditched his looming, arrogant behavior you're so used to just to show you his utmost affection. It's the first time you have seen him like this since the first time you had kissed.
But some part of you is burning. He's not your prince charming. You know exactly what he is capable of, you've seen it. You're not glass. You're not a damsel. This is a man who has watched you undress for him through your window for weeks. This is a man who has killed. And it shouldn't bring heat into your core the way it does. Perhaps it's the thrill of the danger.
You kiss him so hard that your teeth clash. It stuns him as his hand lifts from your body momentarily before finding purchase at your hips. He's inexperienced, but the desperation coming from both of you is enough to cover it up.
The warmth and weight of his tongue in your mouth is intoxicating. The little sparks of guilt and shame that flash in your stomach are quickly subdued by his nimble fingers caressing under your nightgown and up your thighs to hook in the waistband of your panties. You can't help the pathetic moan that escaped your mouth as he slowly drags the fabric down your legs.
"I wanted to do it right. Wanted to take you to that diner, buy your food, take you home, and act like I hadn't thought about fucking you into your mattress every single night."
It's almost strange to see him on his knees. He has built himself up to be godlike. You were sure he wouldn't mind you on your knees in front of him. Absolutely worshipping him. The warmth of his tongue swiping over you has your thoughts lurching, and yes, god, he is divine.
"But it would be wrong to pretend to be someone I am not. I'm not a liar."
You can't help but tangle your fingers into his beautifully unkept hair and pull. He is ravishing you. Sinking two fingers into you until you feel the heavenly curl right into the spot that makes you whimper. "Eddie-" He swallows your moans in a desperate openmouthed kiss. His fingers are working you open, you can feel tightness build in your stomach. Like a rubber band ready to snap. But it's ripped away from you as he pulls his fingers out of you and swiftly pushes you to the bed. The sounds of his belt buckle coming undone has your heart racing faster than it already was, your stomach fluttering.
He buries himself inside of you with no hesitation, no time to adjust. It hurts and his inexperience is noticeable, but the look of bliss on his face and his slight whimpers has you ready to cum before you've even started.
You're gripping onto the back of the green leather parka, reminding yourself of who you're with. Who you're letting fuck you right now. But those green eyes bring you back to all those times he'd flash a slight smile your way in the office. He'd try to hide it but you're the only person he showed fondness towards in that hell hole of a workplace. Thinking back to the night he had kissed you has tears welling up in your eyes again. He notices.
He slows his pace momentarily, letting his short thrusts turn into long drags. A gloved hand wipes tears away once again and you meet his concerned gaze.
"Does this not make you happy?"
Your hands move to cradle his face. A move that he's certainly not used to as his thrust halt for a moment in surprise. "I am happy. But what comes after this? Am I supposed to ignore you and pretend I know nothing about you? That I feel nothing for you?" He stops his movements completely now. The room has fallen silent apart from the heavy breathing between you two.
"I have to mean nothing to you. Momentarily."
You knew the answer before you asked the question, but it hurts just as bad anyway. You don't take your eyes off his. The Riddler's facade is cracking before your eyes, you can see his eyes becoming glossy. It's almost like he's turned into a completely different person. He kisses you. Deeply, but not rough. There's so much pent up feeling behind it, you could sob even harder. But you don't and he keeps kissing you as he resumes his movements.
You're not using any protection, but you're too blissed out to care. You crave that feeling of warmth. "Eddie- I-"
His hips start to stutter as he cuts you off and buries his face in your neck. " I love you- please God- just say it back to me. Tell me you love me." You hold his face in your hands guiding his gaze to meet yours again. "Edward, I love you."
That's all it takes for him to fall apart. His whimpers and cries are like music to your ears and the feeling of warmth as he releases everything he has into you is blissful. You both have to take a second to recover, foreheads pressed together. But eventually he rolls off of you carefully and tucks himself back into his pants. The silence is deafening. You said it to push him over the edge, but was it true that you loved him? The idea of falling in love with Edward was easy in your mind, in a perfect world the idea of settling down somewhere else and waking up next to him felt good. But this wasn't a perfect world. Edward killed people, powerful people, and the chance that he'd get away without paying for it was slim.
"I'm gonna turn myself in in a couple of days."
"Okay."
"You should leave Gotham. It's not going to be safe for you here. If the cops ask you're visiting a friend in Bludhaven."
His hand grips yours as he looks at you.
"I promise if I ever get out, I'll find you."
━━━━
You do as he asked of you. Got a hotel in Bludhaven and in the next couple of nights you watched the television endlessly, waiting to see his face. The night you finally did, you cried yourself to sleep, gripping the hotel sheets as you buried your face into your pillow.
But you held yourself together and did as Edward asked.
When the man in the bat suit showed up at your hotel door a week after the flood you give your best answers.
"I'm visiting a friend, but the flood has kept me in town."
"No, I didn't know him well, we just worked together."
"I mean he was a little strange, but I never thought he would murder someone."
“I would never have expected it to be him.”
"I hope he gets the help he needs."
917 notes · View notes
muniimyg · 8 months
Text
+ extra ! in our forever
series m.list
note: omg hiii ??? helloo ??? okok this was supposed to be posted for yoongi’s birthday... then i planned it to be written in time for my birthday/bts birthday... now it’s being posted mid summer.... like hello? where did the time go? i felt so stuck writing this extra because it feels more like the ending than the actual ending ? does that make sense lol... i planned to write their first kiss scene but honestly i don’t think i’ll be able to do so [unless i get the random urge to write it instead of studying for a final or smt] ! hoping to back more regularly when my work schedule stops being a bitch <3 slowly but surely,, my fics will continue to be deleted off my notes/drafts and pushed out frfr. thank u all of ur patience ,, i TRULY miss u all... laughing with u guys after every update literally gave me a reason to wake up and have smt to look forward to. i look forward to all of ur love and support for my upcoming / ongoing works. 
muwah muwah ,, kimi 💛✨🥂
ps… it’s lengthy y’all 💀 it’s to make up for being so mia HAHHAAA
warnings: smut & angst ,, MY FAVE DUO <3
taglist requests are closed !
taglist: @j3nnie101​ @tarahardcore​ @bbsantc​ @jeonqkooks-main​ @whoa-jo @ellesalazar​ @exhibitachol​ @pamzn​ @floweryjeons​ @boraength​ @4ksj​ @joonsjuice​ @taegijns​ @avtrns​ @taegix94​ @bloopkook​ @jihopesjoint​ @firesighgirl​ @vantxx95​ @damn-u-min-yoongi​ @yoongukie-ff​ @hopeworldjimin​ @thisisaburnphone​ @pb-n-juju​ @xjiminsthighsx​ @miss-rainy-days​ @percyjacksonlovesannabethchase​ @whitefoxgirl​ @slutforheeseung​​ @lovelytaes-blog​​
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In the midst of the airport chaos, Yoongi finds you standing with a stupid sign that looks like it was decorated by your preschool students. 
It’s times like these when he can’t help but smile at how insufferable you are. Why are you so fucking cute? Standing there, looking for him in the sea of strangers with your warm greeting. It’s a sight he wishes to last forever. It makes his stomach turn knowing that it’s him you’re waiting for. It’s him you’re here for. 
It’s him. 
As usual, Yoongi finds you first and continues to let you look for him. He waits for your eyes to find his before he picks up his feet and makes his way to you. You smile, unable to hold yourself back from making your way to him as well. 
As you do so, Yoongi gets a closer and closer look at the sign. At that moment, his heart skips a beat, realizing that your preschool class knows about him.
The boyfriend. 
It’s such a simple label. It even sounds silly to say and even so; he never gets used to how it makes him feel. How excited he is to be yours and how others react to it... Something about little children running around the classroom, knowing their teacher ____ is loved and has a boyfriend makes him so happy. 
God, it’s so fucking embarrassing and it honestly doesn’t even matter... But why... Why was it consuming his mind so effortlessly? 
Though these thoughts and daydreams are so easily executed in his mind; being your boyfriend—the mere title of it—has him in shambles. He will never get used to this privilege. So, it’s only natural that he wonders if you talk about him to them just as much. He wonders if they’ve asked you any silly questions like... If you two have ever kissed or if you two were ever going to get married.. Better yet; if you have any babies with him...
All valid questions 3 year old's could ask you! Even more valid questions for your boyfriend to ponder. 
You talk about your students so much. Like, it’s a little ridiculous! You talk about them as if they’re yours. With that, the idea of having a family with you is prone to linger in his mind. However, that’s way down the line..
He’d have to propose to you first; marry you second, and then have children with you. All the while, loving you forever. 
These thoughts, though dramatic and honestly a little extensive—consume him. It’s a little strange and overwhelming considering that you two haven’t been together for that long. Not to mention, he had just left for nearly and month. 
Yet, isn’t that how you two bloomed anyway? Testing and proving that absence does make the heart grow fonder. 
He gulps as he watches you rush to him. You squeal as he picks up his speed and meets you halfway. There, you practically fall into his arms. 
Nothing is better than this. 
Yoongi has only been away for three weeks, but it feels like it’s been forever. You’re so used to having him by your side and these past three weeks just felt like torture. All the texts and photo updates were simply not enough. If anything, they made missing him even worse. 
But that’s all over now.
Now, he’s here. He’s kissing your cheeks and holding you close. He doesn’t think he’ll ever let go.. Why should he? 
“I missed you,” Yoongi confesses in a rather whiney matter. It’s as if he wasn’t the one that left for a trip.. You clearly remember asking him if he really had to go. Then, he pouts with eyebrows knitting together. You tilt your head in response. “Ace...” 
You snicker at his whine.
“What?”
“Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”
“Hahahaa! Yoongi, you just arrived—”
His lips crash into yours, kissing you so profoundly that your back arches and melts into his touch. Everyone is probably looking at you two—ever so the dramatic couple.
Oh, whatever.
You missed him too.
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The boys are all patiently waiting for Yoongi back in his apartment. 
As you unlock the door, Yoongi drags his luggage in. Immediately, he’s greeted with a wave of affectionate yells and shoves. His friends, ever so the gentlemen, push him around so much until they all end up on the floor. Laughing together, you watch them help each other up. 
“We’re grown men. Stop embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend,” Yoongi reprimands his friends as he dusts himself off. The guys roll their eyes in response and you even scoff. 
“She was late to a game and you cried about it—”
Yoongi corrects his friend with a technicality. “I almost cried.”
“Same shit!” Jungkook laughs at Yoongi’s sad attempt to save face. He then wraps his arms around Yoongi and looks up at him with bambi eyes. “You know.. I’m really glad you’re back.”
“Why?”
“Because I was promised cotton candy if I showed up to your welcome home dinner... So where the fuck is it? Give it to me. Now.”
The boys exchange looks with one another. “Jungkook, we actually don’t have any cotton candy tonight... But, don’t you want to be here and spend time with us—”
“Fucking liars!” Jungkook flips everyone off before pushing Yoongi aside and exiting his apartment. 
Everyone stands there for a moment, unsure of what just happened.
“Did he really just leave?” Taehyung bursts into laughter. 
Before you know it, everyone joins in. Laughing together because Jungkook is so unhinged... Also because you all know Jungkook would be back in (give or take) 20 minutes.
Why?
It’s not like he has other friends that would put up with his dramatic ass. 
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As expected, Yoongi kicks everyone out. 
They all hurry out, leaving a bit of a mess behind. You shake your head as you collect all the dishes and bring them to the sink. Soaking the dirty dishes, you scrape off any extras and set them aside. Meanwhile, Yoongi is in charge of sweeping, mopping, and putting anything Jin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook played with away. 
“How the fuck did Nam Joon manage to leave his sock here?” 
“His what?”
“Sock. He left one.”
You throw your head back, laughing and recalling how chaotic tonight was.
“He didn’t even drink that much tonight... I think you drank more than him,” you comment, turning to face Yoongi. He pauses on wiping the table and rolls his eyes at you. 
“Nam Joon is lightweight.”
“Yeah?” you challenge him, “what are you?”
“Wanna find out?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Let’s see how sloppy I fuck you tonight.”
You send him a glare, trying your best to mask your amusement. How could he be so unhinged? “Min Yoongi!”
“Yes, Ace?”
“Behave!” 
He shrugs at you. “I’ve been behaving.. Don’t believe me? Punish me tonight.”
You gag at his line. He laughs a bit as you make a cringe face at him. “Is that why you wanted me to sleep over?”
“No,” Yoongi slurs. You raise your eyebrows, eyes softening, with a small grin. Yoongi folds; “... okay, fine.”
You chuckle.
“Shut up!” He defends himself.
“I didn’t say anything!” With that, you burst into laughter. 
To put into perspective, the idea of sleeping over occurred after a very mature and communicative compromise. The compromise was that Yoongi had won 2 of 3 in an intense rock, paper, scissors game and you (have to because you lost) decided to spend the next week in his apartment. This would be a great time to reconnect and catch up on his trip. Regardless if he called and texted you every day during it; it’s different seeing his face light up as he relives his stories. You love listening to him talk about the things he loves—oddly enough, you’re all he can talk about these days.
Nevertheless, Yoongi tells you about how great his trip with his brother was. Seeing a bunch of NBA games in real life made him feel like he was doing something for his inner child. He talks about how much his brother bickered with him and how their taste in food was exactly the same so every time they went to restaurants; they would argue about who should get the other dish instead of both of them ordering the same meals.
You’re glad he’s back. 
Having your friends over tonight was such a good reset and time together. Now, the night concludes with cleaning with the love of your life. Could the simple things in life get any better than this?
Your thoughts are put on pause as you feel Yoongi’s arms wrap around your waist. As you continue to rinse the dishes, he rests his chin on the crook of your neck. 
“___,” he murmurs into your skin. You put the last dish on the dishrack before turning your body to be face to face with him. Tilting your head at him, a little confused with the underlying look of seriousness on his face. “Do your preschoolers ever ask about me?”
“Hmm?” you hum, unsure of what he means. “What about you?”
Yoongi purses his lips. “Like.. Do they know I’m your boyfriend? Who they’re making a sign for and shit?”
“Well, to be honest… We’re not really allowed to be talking about our personal life—”
“Bullshit.”
“Language,” you warn him. 
He kisses you in apology. 
“My bad,” he pouts. “Come on, ___. You’ve talked about me to them, haven’t you?”
You laugh, not quite understanding why he’s suddenly getting so heated about this. Sure, you’ve mentioned him once or twice.. How could you not? You’ve been in love with Yoongi for so long; it’s practically second nature to you. “Why do you care so much?”
Yoongi huffs, letting go of you. In a stiff manner, he shrugs. “I mean… The sign was made by them, right? They must know about me.”
“Umm, sure,” you roll your eyes. It’s not like this was turning into an argument or anything… But it’s just such an odd direction for the conversation to be going. “Aki, they’re a bunch of 3-year-olds. What does it matter if they know about you or not? I just asked them to help me make a sign because I was running out of time—”
“Do they ever ask you about marrying me?”
Your eyes widen. 
“What? No!”
Yoongi blinks. 
“Do you not want to marry me?” Yoongi crosses his arms, leaning against the kitchen counter. His chest tightens as he begins to feel offended. “Why’d you answer like that?”
“Like what?” you slightly panic. 
All his words are so new to you. He’s never been this straightforward… Or has he? Have you simply missed how seamless and blunt his words have been because you’ve been so into him? Suddenly, you can’t think straight. Now, you’re really confused. 
Was he getting angry?
Was he hurt?
From what? What did you say that’s triggering his reaction? You try to run it back, but it’s too late. Yoongi takes a step back and asks; “do you not want to marry me?”
You’re tongue-tied, unable to answer him. 
He scoffs. “You’re so fucking annoying.”
“Woah,” you instantly feel offended. “You can’t just bring up marrying me and then call me annoying for needing time to process what you just asked me!”
“Why do you need time to answer it? It’s yes or no. Do you want to marry me or not?”
You glare at him. “Are you proposing?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t need to answer right now… And honestly? You could tone down the intense attitude. We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks… Why can’t we just have a nice evening together?”
Yoongi sighs, slightly feeling more flustered. He takes a deep breath and surrenders to the feeling of hurt. 
“I think I’m gonna crash at Hobi’s tonight.”
“What?” you groan in disbelief. Is he actually serious? “Yoongi, this is your apartment. You won that stupid rock, paper, scissors game and I’m here. I had to switch my shift for tomorrow to be here with you and now what? You’re just going to leave me here?”
… And before Yoongi can think of a proper response to deflate or change the course this moment; he lets his sharp words cut through his lips. “Well, pardon me for not being in the mood to spend the rest of my evening with someone who I thought saw a future with me… Kind of a mood killer, you know? When your girlfriend is practically dating you to break up.” 
“I never said—”
“Drop it, ___. It’s whatever.”
Your face softens and you can’t help but tear up. His anger feels sharp and abrupt. 
“What now? Did I fuck up again?” Yoongi says coldly. 
You shake your head, eyes fluttering the tears away. “No, it’s okay. I know you’re upset.. But it’s Ace, you know? You always call me Ace. I haven’t heard you say my name in a while. It’s like you’re actually mad at me or something..”
Yoongi stays silent. 
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You never expected this. 
A whole week passes by and the most that has happened between you and Yoongi since are pathetic “good morning” and “good night” text messages. You two avoid each other and barely replied in the group chats. You’ve picked up extra shifts and Yoongi has been spending most of his time with the guys, with his brother, or alone. Thank god he warned the guys not to reach out to you regarding the argument.. Yoongi knows he was wrong to get so heated up so quickly… But also, he knows deep down his feelings were valid. 
It’s so stupid. 
The way he has been handling this entire thing is so fucking lame. He knows it and you know it. You both are acting like such babies—unwilling to communicate and understand each other. To be fair; you two have never reached the part of an argument where it actually made one another upset. This was the first time and it’s honestly the worst fucking thing you two have gone through. 
It’s sickening. 
It’s painful waiting for his calls and missing his daily updates… Avoiding eye contact and hesitating to hold your hand when you two are around each other. It doesn’t help that you can’t even remember the last time you two kissed and held each other since his arrival home. It has practically been a month since you two have been together together. 
Now it all aches. 
It hurt him to think that you couldn’t see a future with him when he knows his future is you. It ached so much to see the way your face went blank… Why were you unsure? Has he not given you all the reassurance you need? Has he not been doing enough? Was the 3 for 3 not good enough? … Rather, will he ever be good enough?
All these questions flooded his mind from morning to night. He waits for your reply every day and wonders if he should just swallow his pride and be the first to yield. 
This was your first disagreement as a couple and he isn’t too sure how to navigate through it. What is he supposed to do? His past relationships were never as dramatic as this.. Well, truth be told; he didn’t really care about his exes as much as he cares about you. Dramatic or not, the feelings were real and all more of the reason to push forward with begging for forgiveness. 
Begging to be yours. 
Begging to be loved. 
So what now? Does he surprise you with a significant gesture and make a bunch of promises that he knows are half-assed? In a sense, he was still angry. However, Yoongi knows better. His anger can’t be the reason he loses you.. And as we all know; Min Yoongi is a sore loser. 
Forever, Yoongi will refuse to lose you. 
The mere idea of dating you only for you two to break up… Sickening. He would rather crawl to you than walk away. As this realization hits him, he rushes inside his apartment and then into his room. He should go see you. 
Now. 
He has to see you now.
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Yoongi doesn’t know where you are. 
At first, he had a few ideas of where you could be. At your apartment, in the library, or at the pool watching Jungkook’s swim practice.. He runs around campus desperate to find you. In all honesty, the speech he had prepared got lost along the way. As he hurriedly searches for you, the only words that ring are: it doesn’t end here. 
We don’t end here.
I love you—
You. 
Yoongi sees you sitting on the same bench you pitched three for three. You’re swinging your legs, watching the morning waves crash against the shore. He soaks in the sight of you looking so at peace. He loves how pretty you are from a far.
And then it hits him: he’s so lucky to love you.
It’s truly a privilege to love you because of everything you are. His anger and all the reasons he had gaslit himself into self-sabotaging your love for him—the extension of your beauty… It was so fucking wrong. Maybe he got too comfortable believing that he had you. Maybe he was too mesmerized with the idea of you two lasting forever that he forgot to even fucking ask it. 
He was wrong. 
He should’ve asked first. 
… But that’s the thing about being in love; you have faith. You believe in everything about the person you love. You believe in the good and that the universe sees you well enough to bless you forever. You believe in all the shooting stars and wishful thinking… You believe in forever when you meet the one that makes forever feel like it’s not enough.. But, you’d take it anyway. 
Drowning in his thoughts, Yoongi stands still and practically zones out. Meanwhile, from the corner of your eye, you see him. You see him standing there with the most devastated and desperate look on his face. Then, his eyes flicker to you. 
Your eyes meet and lock. His are glossy with tears building up. Even from a far, you can tell he has horrible eye bags. Perhaps, he hasn’t been sleeping well at night. Overall, he looks like a mess. He’s wearing grey sweatpants and your favourite white FOG shirt he owns. Even so… He looks restless. 
For his sake, you pretend not to see him. You turn back and watch the sea. Sitting in silence, you take deep breaths as you feel him walking toward you. You’re sure he’s here now but you don’t want to say anything. 
What could you say?
And it’s weird because you’d expect him to clear his throat and speak.. But he doesn’t. No, he stays silent. Yoongi also doesn’t sit down next to you. Instead, he stands a few feet away and watches the waves kiss the shore. 
Never has he ever felt so jealous of the sea.
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An hour and a half passed by since Yoongi found you and within this time: he stays silent.
He follows you around, trailing behind you like a fucking loser. His head is bowed down for the most part and he focuses on following your shoes. 
You don’t have any classes today so he finds it a little weird that you’re running around doing random shit. You aren’t buying anything or meeting up with anyone.. It just feels like you’re stalling. In a stupid way; he’s thankful you’re doing so.
He doesn’t say anything though.. Why would he? All the words he had prepared got lost as he followed you around. 
All of this simply angers you. 
The quiet moment shared between you two at the seaside bench was cute but now he’s just being fucking annoying. Is he serious? He blew up a week ago and now he can’t even apologize for leaving you alone that night? For how cold he’s been? For being the worst boyfriend ever? 
Oh my god. 
It pisses you off so much. For a man that’s such a sore loser; he surely isn’t doing much to win you over. 
That’s just it! All men do is lie. 
By now, your feet hurt and you’re too annoyed to keep playing whatever game this is. You pick up your pace and turn toward the direction of your apartment. 
Yoongi follows. 
Your irritated mood begins to cloud your thoughts. You can feel your frustration take over and you just know you can’t do this anymore. The silence, the sad puppy look on his face, and the simple fact that everything between you two just feels so paper thin—no. This is not it. This isn’t want you want. 
You pause and turn to him. 
He lifts his head and blinks at you slowly. Still, he stays silent. He doesn’t even greet you with a smile.. Nothing. What the fuck? What’s the point of any of this?
The fucking audacity of this man. 
“That’s it?”
Yoongi shrugs. 
“Coward,” you hiss. Taking a step forward, he follows your lead. You’re close enough to him to reach out and hit his chest with your fist. You don’t do anything. You stay still, just like him. In your head, you’re crying and he’s holding you. In your head, he’s already pouring his heart out and you’re mending everything back together. In your head; Yoongi is fighting for you. 
“Do you have anything to say?” you ask desperately. “You can’t do this, you know? You can’t ignore me for a week and then just show up and not say anything. You can’t follow me around like you care when you obviously don’t. What the hell, Yoongi? If it’s over, then just say it. Say it so I can go home and wonder why the fuck the universe gave me you just to lose you because I.. I’m falling apart here—I can’t—I don’t know what’s going on and you just spent like two hours not saying a single word to me. If you have nothing to say then fine! It’s over—I don’t fucking know what’s going on anymore. Do you?”
“Not really,” Yoongi reveals. “I love you.. That’s all I know.”
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His hands are on your waist, guiding you through your own apartment.
Yoongi’s kisses have never felt so good. His lips are so addicting—you can’t stop kissing him back. As innocent as the kissing goes; you can’t say the same for his hands. Once on your waist, now slipped in between your panties and your skin. 
Your body shivers from his touch.
“Slow down,” you pull away from him; “I’m still mad at you.”
Lies.
“Good,” he snickers deviously, “hate sex sounds really good right now.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“I can change that.”
Without warning, Yoongi picks you up and throws you onto your bed. There, you watch him take off his jacket, his shirt, and then just as he’s about to take off his pants; you crawl to him. 
“Can I?”
Yoongi fights for his life to stay calm and cool. He succeeds as he lets out two words: “say please.”
In response, you glare at him. “You want me to say please when you’re about to get head—”
No warning. 
Yoongi tugs his sweatpants down and grabs a handful of your hair. He shoves his thick cock into your pretty mouth. It shuts you up immediately. The moment you feel his velvety skin in your mouth, you moan at the taste of his precum on your mouth. Yoongi throws his head back from the relief and literal pleasure of your warm mouth wrapped around him. In contrast to his initial action, Yoongi thrusts in gently. His tip hits the back of your throat and you gag—tears triggered. You suck him as he moves back and forth. It makes him weak. How are you so fucking pretty while you do the dirtiest thing? He doesn’t know if he hates himself or not… How could he be doing this to you? At the same time, how could he not? 
He’s wanted this for so long. He missed you so fucking much.
“Mhmm,” he moans, “hate me yet?” 
He pulls you away from his dick. You grab it with your hands and jerk him off. Tilting your head, you bat your eyes at him. You shake your head at him, “I love you, Aki.”
Yoongi’s heart collapses. With no time to waste, he bends down and kisses you deeply. “I love you too, Ace.”
Just as you’re about to continue, Yoongi shifts you to lie down. Though a little confused, you follow his lead. “Wait, I wasn’t done sucking your—”
“I need you,” Yoongi confesses so sinfully. There’s truth in his voice. The kind that feels urgent and “I need you more than you need me.. Please, ___.”
You nod, fully understanding what he wants. 
Laying on your back, you spread your legs for him. He assists you and helps you take off your pants. He tosses them aside before running his thumb on the band of your panties. For a moment, his hands roam around you. He runs his thumb against your heat before pushing them aside to see you bare. 
“Just take them off,” you advise him. He rolls his eyes at you. 
“I have a thing for your panties, Ace.. Holy shit, give me a fucking minute.” Yoongi hisses his words and it makes you laugh. “Don’t fucking laugh, you cockslut.”
“I’ll stop laughing when you finally fuck me.”
“Be patient.”
You cross your arms at him.
“Aren’t you the one that said you need me—oh my god!” you gasp, feeling yourself begin to throb at the feeling of Yoongi’s spit running down your folds. He smirks at how fast you shut up. Yoongi then takes off your panties entirely and then spreads your legs in front of him. 
He jerks himself off a few times before hitting his hard cock against your pussy. Your breath hitches when he does so. “Are you wet enough?” he asks with no intention of waiting for your reply. He uses his thumb and index finger to spread your folds and judges for himself. He then spits again and massages it into your wet pussy. “Better?”
You nod, unable to answer. “Don’t finger me,” you beg. “Just fuck me, okay?”
“You don’t want me to finger you? How about I at least eat you out first—”
“You didn’t let me finish giving you a blowjob!”
Yoongi laughs, “I would’ve fucking nutted so hard in your mouth if I had let you suck it for one more second. Come on, Ace! I love eating you out. I want to make you feel good—”
“You’re not being fair,” you whine. “I want to make you feel good too.” 
“You do more than enough—fuck. Wow. Okay. Rude! Don’t be a bitch.”
You took off your top.
Now, he’s distracted by your plump breast. In all honesty, his favourite thing is to watch your boobs bounce when you two fuck. Whether it’s missionary and he’s on top of you; listening to your soft moans and lewd praises or if you were riding him; heavily breathing and concentrating on getting yourself off… He loves it.
He fucking loves it all. 
And so be it. 
Yoongi gives in. You smile in pure happiness as he gulps and settles himself in between your legs. He pushes himself inside and you moan in relief. 
Fucking finally.
It’s been too long. 
Yoongi thrusts in and out, completely melting in how good it feels to fuck you raw. He watches intensely as your breast move up and down from his thrusts. He looks at you and your stupid fuck me eyes that have him weak. All he knows is that he’s yours. His entire existence is because of you—because of moments like these where he is completely and utterly yours. 
As he fucks you, all he can think about is how much he loves you. How this is what home feels like—how good life actually is. It’s you. Everything good in his life is connected to you. It completely tears him apart. 
The more emotional he gets as he processes his feelings, the harder he fucks you. Soon, you’re moaning like never before. He fucks you so good that the bed practically shakes and your entire world begins to spin. He sits up more and grabs one of your breasts to help himself stabilize. As he continues to fuck you, all you can do is whine his name. 
When you reach your climax, you cream all over his cock. He doesn’t stop there though. No, he keeps on going. He keeps on going until he can’t take it anymore and his body collapses and falls on top of yours. There, you wrap your arms and legs around him. Sloppily, he finishes inside you. 
“My universe,” he whimpers, “you’re my universe.”
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It’s a dewy rainy morning. 
Your bedroom window is open and the cloudy sky only makes your empty room feel gloomier. 
You woke up naked and alone. After the third round—because you’d be a complete idiot to think that Yoongi would call it a night after one round—you had fallen asleep next to the love of your life. 
Where is he now?
You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt to wake up alone. Was all of that… Just break up sex? It couldn’t be! In between rounds, you and Yoongi found it in yourselves to make jokes and basically sink into your old vibes… No way did he just leave you. 
You gather your sheets and prepare to get up. Just as you’re about to, Yoongi comes out of the washroom. His hair is a little damp and he’s only wearing his sweatpants. 
Oh, what a sight. 
You squint at him and rub your eyes. “I thought you left.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he laughs, throwing his shirt at you. It lands on top of your head. Taking it, you put it on drop your sheets. 
“Can you pass me my panties please?”
Yoongi leans against your bathroom doorframe and shakes his head. “Nah.”
“Don’t be a dick—”
“Round four?”
You laugh. “You haven’t even said sorry yet and you think you can sneak in a forth round?”
Yoongi shrugs at you nonchalantly. “I snuck in three rounds last night… What’s another three? Three for three.” He mocks you. 
You stick your tongue out at him. 
Silence falls between you two as the sound of gradual raindrops hit your window. You turn your head and watch the rain begin to fall. 
“Didn’t know it was going to rain… Isn’t it the middle of summer? Kinda strange, don’t you think—”
“I’m sorry.” 
Yoongi folds. 
You turn back to him and see he’s on his knees before you. His head, just like yesterday, hangs low. 
“I overreacted. I felt like I was losing you. I was so stubborn and defensive that I ended up fighting for my pride rather than us… ___,” he pauses and lifts his head. “I’ve never been in love like this before. I never knew how much my feelings could consume me and how much I want us to work out. I was trying to fight for us. I know my words aren’t much; but I hope asking is enough.. I’ll be better. I’ll be so good to you from now on, I swear… The jealousy and insecurities I have… I’m so messed up sometimes—I know… But I’m trying to be good enough to stay in your orbit.”
“Yoongi—“
“I was trying to pitch forever with you and I didn’t even give you a fair chance to accept or decline—”
“I would’ve said yes,” you interrupt him. “If you had asked properly; the answer is yes. Of course, I’d marry you… In due time.”
“Really?”
“Yeah… I’d have to introduce you to my preschoolers first but I’m sure you’ll win them over super fast—”
“Be serious.”
“I am!” you laugh, patting the spot next to you for him to join. He gets up and sits beside you. “I think we were just caught up in the moment. We were separated for a hot minute—I feel like it was just… Miscommunication? We can work on it. We’ll just have to be more patient with one another and maybe not ignore each other for a week?” 
Yoongi sighs and nods. “I still feel really shitty about everything.”
“Good,” you tease him as you cup his cheeks with the palm of your hands. He kisses them before resting in your embrace. “Make it up to me someday.”
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“... Did you do it?”
“No.”
He stares at the ring box he purchased with his brother during his trip to the States. The engagement ring you had not-so-secretly pinned on your Pinterst board was only available in the States.. Of course, because the universe was on his side; the trip and the ring’s time and location lined up. 
“I thought you were going to propose to her when you got back? If that stupid fight didn’t happen, we would’ve been having a different conversation right now. Did you guys even make up?” Yoongi’s brothers voice echoes in the call. “You dragged me to that fucking store and had me pick out details for like twenty rings!”
Yoongi sighs as he closes the ring box and shoves it inside his desk. Truth be told.. He wasn’t planning to propose to you yet. He just wanted the ring ready for when the time comes. 
“Someday,” Yoongi promises. “I’ll make it up to her someday in our forever.”
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Why I Dislike Rhysand, Part 1: Not a Martyr Like You Think
So. . this rant has been a long time coming. I finally came to the conclusion that it would be too much to include all in one post. There are so many different things I feel the need to touch on and include that I decided I’m going to be breaking it up. Enjoy Part 1. 
I also feel the need to start off by saying that I’ve been an SJM reader for nearly ten years now. I remember when ACOTAR first came out. I remember reading ACOMAF upon its release and nearly being blown over by my intense disgust and dislike for how a story was handled. ACOMAF was released in 2016, so I’ve been holding on to a lot of this for the better part of seven years. I don’t know how many of you were a part of the ACOTAR or SJM community here on Tumblr back in those days but let me tell you. . .it was something else. The fevered Rhysand obsession and worship was WILD. The fans were CUT THROAT and had no mercy. If you even HINTED at the fact that you felt like Rhys was not All That, they came for you and they came hard. I have never been one to engage in ridiculous arguments with strangers on the internet so I kept most of my feelings to myself. It’s giving me immense satisfaction and validation to see so many people begin to express things that are so like minded with how I feel. Keep fighting the good fight!
SO! We’re going to dive deep with this and go back to before the series chronologically even started. 
A huge part of why I so strongly dislike Rhysand is that I find it very hard to sympathize with him regarding his time UTM. 
Yes, you read that correctly.
Now, I realize that that sentence alone is enough to cause a lot of people to click away from this in disgust immediately. I challenge those people to keep reading and to hear me out. I try and make it a point to back everything I have to say with canon facts and logical sense. One of the fatal (or perhaps not so fatal) flaws I have as a reader is that 99% of the time, I am not able to just let things go and absorb them at face value for the sake of an entertaining story. You can sell me just about anything and I’ll be able to find some enjoyment in it. . .if it makes sense. If something exists in a scenario that is contradictory or just plain illogical, I tend to fixate on it and not be able to let it go (I call this the Ravenclaw in me). Sometimes I almost resent that I’m like this because I feel like it prevents me from just having a good time with literature, but for better or worse, this is the kind of reader I am. 
Unfortunately, the ACOTAR series, specifically many things that have to do with Rhys and the Inner Circle, are riddled with things like this. Now, it’s no secret to any SJM reader that Sarah J Maas is OBSESSED with Rhys and the Inner Circle. Like. . .OBSESSED. I’ve truly never seen anything like it from an author. She so plainly and clearly holds these characters on pedestals and believes them to be the best of the best. She also so plainly and clearly works very hard to try and get the readers to feel the same way. This is why I say that SJM is one of the most confusing and frustrating authors I’ve ever read about. She clearly feels this way and wants US to feel this way. So you’d think, if that was her end goal, that she would simply just write characters who really ARE the best of the best and deserve to be on pedestals. Easy, right? She has total control over the actions, thoughts, and words of these characters, every other character, the plot, the narrative, the direction of the entire story. So just. . .write them as being perfect saintly beings, as you so clearly view them as?? You have the power to do this?
But here’s where the confusing and frustrating part comes in: She doesn’t.
Instead of giving us these characters who truly ARE as virtuous and amazing and wonderful as she thinks they are, she instead gives us characters who do horrific, selfish, and highly questionable things across the span of the series and then gaslights her readers by continuing to hold these characters on pedestals and laud them as being The Best In Every Way. . .while their atrocious deeds are sitting RIGHT THERE on the page being completely ignored in every way. It’s one of the most unaware and bizarre things I’ve ever witnessed from an author and honestly, from a group of readers. The amount of people who just blindly accept anything SJM says as Gospel is wild to me. I really don’t understand how people just swallow this stuff and can’t see it for what it is. Open your mind to just an ounce of critical thinking and I really do believe you’ll begin to see things in a new way. 
So. . .my point in all that being: SJM clearly wanted us to have a ton of sympathy for Rhys from his ordeal with Amarantha and his time UTM. The scene is set perfectly! Valiant and selfless Rhysand volunteers himself to play Amarantha’s whore in order to keep her attention from the city and the people Rhys loves so much. He lives for 50 years having to “service” a psychotic evil woman who actively tries to bring destruction to his entire country. Horrible, right??? Unthinkable. What he went through!!! What he had to do!!! No one has a selfless heart like he does!!!!
The only problem is. . .this entire scenario has a million holes in it. Let’s explore some of them. 
So, when Amarantha returns to Prythian, Rhys heads to her little party without any backup from the IC. He plans to kill Amarantha himself but of course, she tricks all the High Lords and captures their power before this can happen. 
Sidenote: This is another thing I can’t stand about Rhysand’s power: We are told over and over and over that he is THE MOST powerful High Lord not just of the seven current High Lords, but in all of Prythian’s HISTORY. In the High Lord’s meeting during ACOWAR (top contender for my least favorite scene of the entire series), Feyre says: 
The others, who had been watching with disdain and amusement and boredom, now turned to my mate. Now possessed a shadow of fear in their eyes as they realized who and what, exactly, sat amongst them. 
Brethren, and yet not. Tamlin was a High Lord, as powerful as any of them.
Except for the ones at my side. Rhys was as different from them as humans were to Fae. 
Okay, first of all:
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Second of all. . .once again, we are faced with SJM’s convenient Whatever-I-Need-To-Happen-Will-Happen story telling. She claims that Rhys is as different from all the other High Lords as humans are to fae. And despite this, he still gets tricked and overtaken by Amarantha, the exact same as all the rest of them. His powers were ripped away by that spell just the same as all the others. Being the so-called “Most Powerful High Lord in Prythian’s History” didn’t mean anything in that situation. He’s the mOSt POwerfUL HiGH LOrd iN HiSTORy, but was able to be totally overtaken by Amarantha just like everyone else. Looks like that title really should have gone to HER!
Anyway. . .as Rhys feels his powers being ripped away, we are told that in desperation, he “threw the shield around Velaris”, binding it to my friends so that they had to remain or risk that protection collapsing and used the last dregs to tell them mind to mind what was happening and to stay away”. 
What a noble sacrifice right??
INCONSISTENCY ALERT: There were ALREADY spells and protections hiding Velaris and there had been for years!!!!!! 
The first time I read Rhys’s explanation of this, I was super confused. SJM tells it like he was the one who created Velaris’s shield and protection right there in this moment. That this act was the only thing that kept it hidden and safe from Amarantha. But like. . .this is not the case!!!! 
Don’t believe me??
“Did you even think for one moment,” I said, my voice like gravel, “to extend that luck to anywhere else? Anyone else?”
“Other cities,” he said calmly, “are known to the world. Velaris has remained secret beyond the borders of these lands for millenia. Amarantha did not touch it because she did not know it existed. None of her beasts did. No one in the other courts knows of its existence, either.”
“How?”
“Spells and wards and my ruthless, ruthless ancestors, who were willing to do anything to preserve a piece of goodness in our wretched world.”
(ACOMAF, page 144)
The Velaris Wiki page states:
To preserve it, an ancient High Lord kept Velaris a secret, and so did his descendants. There are many spells on the city itself—laid by him, and his heirs, that make those who trade here unable to say anything about the city and possess the skill to convincingly lie in order to keep the origin of their goods and ships, hidden from the rest of the world. Rumor has it that an ancient High Lord doused his blood upon the stones and river to keep that spell eternal. 
And then in ACOMAF, we get:
“I used the remainder of my power to shield them all from sight and sound. I had only enough for one city--one place. I chose the one that had been hidden from history already. I chose, and now must live with the consequences of knowing there were more left outside who suffered. But for those here. . .anyone flying or traveling near Velaris would see nothing but barren rock, and if they tried to walk through it, they’d find themselves suddenly deciding otherwise. And because my powers were focused on shielding them all, Feyre, I had very little to use against Amarantha.”
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So, which is it?? Did your ancestors shield and protect Velaris or did you?? 
Do you see the contradictory writing here? 
Again, in ACOMAF:
“You are safe here, and safe anywhere in this city, for that matter. Velaris’s walls are well protected and have not been breached in 5,000 years.”
According to what Sarah J Maas herself has written, the city of Velaris already had extensive wards and protection on it for millennia. The city had been a safe haven from the rest of the world and a complete secret for 5,000 years. So I was very confused as to why it was being made out to be that Rhys made this Grand Ultimate Sacrifice to shield the city and its inhabitants from Amarantha, when this was already the case before this. She wouldn't have touched it because she didn’t know about it. . .words from Rhys’s own mouth!!!! 
I’m sure in Sarah’s mind, she just needed to make a way for the IC to not come after Rhys and try and help him, so this is what she came up with. Regardless. . .Velaris already had protection on it that did not rely on Cassian, Azriel, Mor, and Amren. You’re saying that with the last shreds of his power, Rhysand undid centuries old ancient blood protection of his ancestors, created an entirely NEW foolproof protection plan, and bound it to the Inner Circle?? 
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I’d also like to point out that Kallias, High Lord of Winter, did essentially the same thing with Viviane and the Winter Court. 
And in those last moments, when his power was ripped from him by that spell. . .Kallias had flung out the remnants to warn her. To tell Viviane he loved her. And then he begged her to protect their people.
So she had. 
As Mor and my friends had protected Velaris, Viviane had veiled and guarded the small city under her watch, offering safe harbor to those who made it. 
(ACOWAR, pages 410-411)
These situations are exact parallels of each other. Kallias and Rhysand couldn’t protect their entire courts, but they were able to throw shields and protections around the one city where their loved ones were. The Winter Court was ravaged by Amarantha’s troops, we know this from the story. But evidently, this one city where Viviane was remained protected. And in this situation, I have infinitely more respect for Kallias than I do for Rhysand.
Rhysand claimed he became Amarantha’s whore in order to keep enemies from looking too closely at who he really was and who he loved. He serviced her in bed and committed atrocious deeds in her name for 50 years. All this, he claimed, to protect Velaris and his loved ones. 
So please explain to me how Kallias was able to do the same thing. . .WITHOUT doing Amarantha’s dirty work. 
As I said, I know fully well that the Winter Court in general was not spared by Amarantha. We all read about the children who had their minds wiped (conveniently by some OTHER daemati who we never learn about or hear about ever again). It sounds like Amarantha tried her hardest to destroy the Court in general. But remember. . .the Night Court is not exclusively Velaris. If you look at the map of Prythian, the Night Court is huge! It’s the largest of all the Courts. We have no idea what happened to the rest of the Night Court that was outside of Velaris’s protection. Since it’s such a big deal that Velaris is such a whole, untouched city, I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that it probably wasn’t spared any more than the rest of Prythian was. So it stands to reason that both the Night Court and the Winter Court had one city that remained protected while the rest of their Court was destroyed.
Even further than that. . .it is specifically stated that Viviane offered shelter and protection to anyone who made it to that protected city where she was. Kallias begged her to protect their people and she did. It was a city of safe haven for any refugees who could make it there. (Viviane was Prythian’s first High Lady and that’s the tea). 
Rhysand KNEW what was happening all throughout Prythian during this time. . .he helped partake in it!!! Did he think to offer the same protection for innocent refugees in Velaris during this time??
We all know the answer.
I’m not saying that Rhys was obligated to do this. In a horrible situation like that, I’m sure many people would enter survival mode and adapt an “every man for himself” mindset. It’s an extremely Slytherin move to make, and I don’t really mean that in a bad way. But at the end of the day, Rhysand prioritized his friend group over every innocent citizen of Prythian. 
Kallias and Viviane didn’t do that. 
Again, I don’t entirely blame Rhysand for this!! I think a lot of people would have made the same decision!! But just. . .don’t ask me to act like Rhys’s decision was some grand ultimate sacrifice that was more than any other High Lord made. It’s not. SJM, if you want Rhys to be my fave, why are you putting characters in here like K and V who do the more noble and honorable thing?? 
Kallias didn’t have mind powers where he was able to erase the knowledge of Viviane from every one UTM who knew about her as Rhys did with the Inner Circle. There weren’t already extensive, centuries-old shields and protection guarding the city that she was in. And despite this, he STILL asked her to protect their people, and she kept the city open for refugees who could make it there. AND he remained true to his cause and didn’t do Amarantha’s dirty work for her to “keep people from looking too closely”. 
And yet Feyre and everyone else tell us constantly that “no one sacrificed as much” as Rhys. Yeah, no. My respect for Kallias and Viviane is 10000000x greater than Rhysand. Sorry, not sorry. 
And this leads me to my next point. 
One of the biggest issues I have with Rhys’s time UTM in general, is that his actions are treated by the narrative and the other characters as the MOST sacrificial out of all the High Lords. 
As I’ve expressed above, I do not buy this for one second. And I actually find it pretty insulting on behalf of all the other High Lords!!
Rhysand’s choices and actions were entirely self-serving. He did nothing to fight against Amarantha or protect citizens of Prythian in general. It was entirely about his city and his friends. Again, I’m not saying I condemn him for this! It was a horrible situation and this was what he chose to do. People do crazy things for the people they love. But that’s my point. . .it was a CHOICE. He CHOSE to “service” Amarantha. He CHOSE to do her dirty work and commit atrocious deeds in her name. And every choice he made protected no one but the people who were important to HIM. So I’m just not really sure how/why I’m expected to feel the greatest amount of sympathy for HIM, over the other High Lords, many of whom stayed in open rebellion and never aided Amarantha. How easy would it have been for any of the other High Lords to attempt the same thing he did, and pretend to sympathize with Amarantha? Maybe not “servicing” her as Rhys did, but pretending to deflect to her side, doing dirty work for her, in order to attempt to spare their Courts and THEIR loved ones??? Did anyone else do this??? NO.
Rhys says he bows for no one but that isn’t true. He bowed for Amarantha. The other High Lords did not. 
The High Lords of Summer, Day, and Winter lost their lives by refusing to submit to Amarantha. (ACOTAR, page 284). 
And I’m supposed to have the greatest amount of sympathy for Rhysand??
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People talk about how horrible it was for Rhys during those 50 years Under the Mountain. I’m not here to say his life was pleasant. But what I AM here to say is that in comparison to what the other High Lords’ lives were like. . .I find it hard to have MORE sympathy for him than the others. 
“If that was what she wanted, then that was what she would get. I made her beg, and scream, and used my lingering powers to make it so good for her that she wanted more. Craved more.”
“For fifty years--whenever I was inside her, I’d think about killing her. She had no idea. None. Because I was so good at my job that she thought I enjoyed it too. So she began to trust me--more than the others. Especially when I proved what I could do to her enemies.”
Rhys is “so good at his job” of killing Amarantha’s enemies (and one assumes that Amarantha’s enemies are, you know, PEOPLE FIGHTING FOR PRYTHIAN AND AGAINST HER OPPRESSION) and so thorough in their sexual acts, that Amarantha begins to trust him. He is allowed certain freedoms that no one else has. He is not trapped for 50 straight years Under the Mountain. In ACOTAR alone, we see him visit the Spring Court three different times. Do you think any of those other High Lords saw daylight even once during those 50 years?? 
He is clearly allowed to move about as he wants to Under the Mountain. He visits Feyre in her cell several times, seemingly without Amarantha knowing. She is a prisoner of Amarantha, but he’s allowed to do whatever he wants to and with her. 
Essentially. . .Rhys lived as a member of Amarantha’s court UTM. He served as her fuck buddy and one of her main attack dogs. To our knowledge he wasn’t tortured, starved, or forced to watch, powerless, as someone or something he loved was dangled over him. High Lords were losing their lives living in open rebellion against Amarantha, while Rhys lived with a level of security that no one else had. I am NOT saying that servicing Amarantha was pleasant for him, obviously it wasn’t. But at the end of the day. . .this was a choice he made. Everyone makes choices and has consequences of those choices. Rhys chose to serve Amarantha in bed and was given a position of power and security that no one else had. The other High Lords chose to openly oppose and resist her and subsequently had to suffer and live in terror with none of the freedom or choices Rhys was given. I honestly fail to see how Rhys’s decision was more valiant than all the rest. 
Again, this is NOT me trying to say that Rhys did not suffer at all UTM. I completely acknowledge that he suffered his own type of torment. I just get very sick and tired of him being treated as if he is the Greatest, Most Suffering, and Only Martyr in all of Prythian. 
I often say that Sarah writes all of these characters and this entire story in a way that elevates and favors Rhysand, even if in doing so she has people saying and doing things that make absolutely no logical sense. Everything that happens after UTM is a prime example of this. 
The fact that the other Courts and High Lords are so quick to trust Rhysand and work so closely with him after the events of UTM is downright ridiculous and makes absolutely no sense. All of them have EVERY reason to be extremely mistrustful, if not openly hostile to him, after what they witnessed for 50 years. I myself do not understand most of his actions during ACOTAR. Let’s dive into all of THAT.
I made a post separately on this, but I’ll still comment on it here. Rhys claims that he “thought” about killing Amarantha the entire time he worked for her. However, he claims:
“I couldn’t use my powers to harm her, and she had shielded herself against physical attacks”.
There’s nothing I hate more than contrived convenient story-telling. To me, this is on the same level as Feyre not being able to have a C-section in ACOSF. We need it to be true, so we’re just going to say it’s true. . .no matter how little sense it makes in this context. 
Rhys says that he, the most powerful High Lord ever born, had his power ripped away by Amarantha. On page 520 of ACOMAF he says, “Within a few seconds, my power belonged wholly to Amarantha”. 
But does it??? Let’s take a look at all the things Rhys is able to do with his power during his time under Amarantha, without her knowledge or consent:
Uses it to enhance the sexual experience between him and Amarantha, making her beg and scream, and crave him (ACOMAF, page 520)
Broke into the minds of the three fae who cornered Feyre on Calanmai, reshaped their lives, their histories, and then made them confess to Amarantha that they were rebels (ACOMAF, page 523)
“Against my violation, my body straightened, every muscle going taut, my bones straining. Magic, but deeper than that. Power that seized everything inside me and took control: even my blood flowed where he willed it.” (ACOTAR, page 239)
“I couldn’t move. An invisible, talon-tipped hand scraped against my mind. And I knew--one push, one swipe of those mental claws, and who I was would cease to exist.” (ACOTAR, page 239)
Broke into Clare Beddor’s mind when she was captured and took away her pain, told her to scream when she was expected to, then finally slipped into her mind and ended her life (ACOMAF, page 524)
Visits Feyre in her cell UTM and heals her shattered arm completely (where was this power to save her from a C-Section???)
Mentally controls and commands the guards to stay out of Feyre’s cell and not touch her. “If you do, you’re to take your own daggers and gut yourselves. Understood?” Dazed, numb nods, then they blinked and straightened. I hid my trembling. Glamour, mind control--whatever it was he had done, it worked. They beckoned--but didn’t dare touch me. (ACOTAR, page 344)
Enters Feyre’s mind to influence and help her during her second task
Convenient storytelling at its finest. He may not have total control over the full extent of his power, but it is abundantly clear that he definitely has control of some of it! And yet we’re told that Rhys is completely unable to do anything to harm or kill Amarantha, because she holds all his power!! It belonged “wholly to her” as he said! But he’s able to do all of this stuff without her knowledge???
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Forget killing her with his power!!! Lysandra killed Arobynn Hamel by slitting his throat in the middle of the night! I’m sorry, I do not find it believable that the Most Powerful High Lord in Prythian’s HISTORY was completely unable to find a way to end this bitch’s life in 50 years, ESPECIALLY when it’s explicitly stated that she allows him certain freedoms and he does things without her knowledge. I just don’t!!!! 
So if I’M thinking that. . .what do you think the rest of the people UTM were thinking??? Can you see how they might be very suspicious of him??
In addition to this. . .his actions regarding Tamlin, and eventually Feyre, make zero logical sense in the context of their situation. Let’s take a look at THAT mess.
So Rhysand is suffering in this horrible awful torment, having to play Amarantha’s whore and do evil things for her. He hates every minute of it, he grows to hate himself, he claims. 
And in this giant mess, there is only ONE road to freedom for not just him, but for everyone. And that’s Tamlin.
“Then she cursed Tamlin. And my other great enemy became the one loophole that might free us all.”
Rhys knows about the curse. He knows the stipulations and what Tamlin must accomplish. He knows that doing so will free them all.
Wouldn't you then think that he would do everything in his power to attempt to aid and assist Tamlin during the course of those 50 years?????
I know he hates Tamlin by that point anyway, due to the rivalry between their families. But, my God. . .would that really matter at this point?? If me and my entire country were stuck in the position Prythian was in, I don’t really think I’d give a shit who our freedom depended on. It could be my greatest mortal enemy and I’m pretty sure I’d still be like Okay Buddy, let’s do this. I wouldn't say I’d LIKE it. But I’d use whoever I could to get me and everyone else out of that situation. 
If Rhysand, the Inner Circle, Velaris, and every other High Fae in Prythian’s lives and futures depended on Tamlin getting a human girl to fall in love with him, I would think Rhysand would be doing whatever he possibly could to further this along and make it happen. Don’t try and say that he couldn’t do it because Amarantha would find out. Rhys WAS able to keep secrets from her and do things she didn’t know about (see my big list up there! ^^) Don’t try and say that he wouldn't risk dropping his Bad Guy Mask because it would make people look “too closely” at him and possibly target Velaris and the IC (I would have a million comebacks to that. As I’ve already said, there were ALREADY extensive shields and protections guarding Velaris and had been for years. Rhys had wiped the knowledge of the IC from the minds of everyone who knew about them. And wouldn't the safer, better option for the IC be that the curse was broken??? So if he really wanted to protect them, this was the #1 thing he should be doing!!!!)
When it became clear to us all in ACOMAF that Rhys was not in fact, really a bad guy, the very first thing I immediately wondered was, “If this were the case, why was he not trying to HELP Tamlin all those years???” If that was their one loophole and their one shot at freedom and ending the nightmare they were in, why on EARTH did Rhys spend 50 years bullying, manipulating, and tormenting the ONE PERSON who had a shot at freeing them??!?!?!? 
Rhys tells Feyre in Chapter 54 of ACOMAF:
“I didn’t know. That you were with Tamlin. That you were staying at the Spring Court. Amarantha sent me that day after the Summer Solstice because I’d been so successful on Calanmai. I was prepared to mock him, maybe pick a fight.”
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Again, do not tell me that Rhys was a slave to Amarantha so there wasn’t anything he could do. That is NONSENSE. After Calanmai he crafts an entire fabricated story to tell her and brings people he’s mind manipulated into validating what he’s saying. 
Instead of offering Tamlin support, or at the very least, leaving him alone, he chooses to terrorize him and his people. He leaves severed heads on the manor house grounds, taunts Tamlin about the curse, and taunts Lucien about his mother and his dead lover. Listen to what he says to Tamlin and Lucien, before he knows Feyre is there: 
“What a pity that you must endure the brunt of it, Tamlin--and an even greater pity that you’re so resigned to your fate. You might be stubborn, but this is pathetic.”
“Little Lucien. You certainly gave them something to talk about when you switched to Spring. Such a sad thing, to see your lovely mother in perpetual mourning over losing you.”
“She’s already preparing for you. Given your current state, I think I can safely report that you’ve already been broken and will reconsider her offer.”
This is flat out disgusting behavior. This is the man you want me to have sympathy for, to view as the “better man”. Tamlin and Lucien were even greater victims at this point than Rhys was himself. They were running out of time after desperately fighting a losing battle, with the entire weight of Prythian on their shoulders. Rhys’s actions do not make sense. He is digging his own grave by behaving this way. If he wanted himself and everyone to be free so badly, I’m really not sure why he’s going out of his way to mock Tamlin, make his life difficult, and taunt him about not breaking the curse. 
But things don’t stop there! They get even MORE illogical when Feyre enters the picture!!
So once Rhys discovers Feyre’s presence, he immediately picks up on the emotional connection between her and Tamlin. In this situation, I would expect his first reaction to be glee. He didn’t know who Feyre was at that point, other than a girl he’d been dreaming about (and he later reveals that he first believed these dreams meant that she would be the one to save them all). Did anyone really expect Tamlin to break that curse?? Did anyone really expect him to find a human girl with hate in her heart for the Fae and have her fall in love with him?? I don’t think for a minute Amarantha actually believed there was even the slightest chance of this happening, just like she didn’t really believe Feyre had any chance of winning all three of her trials. It’s a mind game, nothing more. But here Tamlin is, on the very brink of meeting the very specific standards set by Amarantha. 
But what does Rhys do? Amp up the dramatics to scare Tamlin into sending Feyre back across the wall, therefore ensuring that the curse will never be broken. 
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His reasoning, he tells us in ACOMAF, is:
“I made Tamlin beg--as Amarantha had made me beg, to show him how powerless he was to save you. And I prayed my performance was enough to get him to send you away. Back to the human realm, away from Amarantha. Because she was going to find you. If you broke that curse, she was going to find you and kill you.”
Um. . .if Feyre breaks the curse, that means that Tamlin gets his powers back. If Tamlin gets his powers back, Amarantha is dead. If Tamlin didn’t do it, certainly one of the other High Lords would have. If you’ll recall, Feyre DOES break the curse and when that happens, Amarantha is dead in literally seconds. Her power isn’t brute strength, it’s trickery. She is no match for Tamlin whatsoever. She literally backs away in fear and pleads for her life. It’s not even a close competition!!! She doesn’t get a single scratch on him! 
Now, I will fully admit. . .this was also something I always found kind of dumb on Tamlin’s part as well. It’s seen as this grand act of love that he sends her away and puts her safety before all of Prythian’s but I’ve always been like. . .dude. You were literally A DAY away from getting out of this thing. Tamlin, as a High Lord with his full power returned, really couldn’t shield and protect Feyre in the time it would take him to kill Amarantha? Yes, he wouldn't be able to properly protect her under their current circumstances without any of his real power, but that was the whole point of the curse. . .if Feyre told Tamlin she loved him and meant it, his power would be returned. The way in which he would be able to protect her would not be the same. You’d think at the point they were at, both Tamlin AND Rhysand would be bouncing around like the singing candlestick and clock from Beauty and the Beast trying to woo a confession out of Feyre. Kallias was able to shield Viviane for 50 years while his Court was under direct attack, I have to believe Tamlin could shield Feyre for the very short time it would take him, or any other High Lord, to end Amarantha. 
Rhys later says:
“If there was a shot of freeing us from Amarantha, you were it. I thought. . .I thought the Cauldron had been sending me these dreams to tell me that you would be the one to save us. Save my people.”
So. . .if this were the case, wouldn't it make more sense to just get a happy little “I love you” out of her before the 50 years were up? Tamlin and the High Lord’s powers would return and Amarantha would be “bloody ribbons”, as SJM likes to say, in seconds. Which is exactly what happened. All the struggle and strife of her trials UTM totally avoided!! 
What I’m essentially trying to say here is that most of Rhys’s actions during this time were in direct contradiction to what he claimed he really wanted. If Tamlin was Prythian’s only shot at freedom for all those years, you’d think he would be trying to secretly aid him in some way, or at the very least, not go out of his way to torment him. If Feyre was in Tamlin’s house, clearly in love with him, and the Curse was expiring in one day, you’d think he’d go back to Amarantha and be like “Nope, sorry, nothing to report” and pray the two of them would get it together for the sake of Prythian. 
Essentially, what I’m trying to say here is that I struggle to have a ton of sympathy for Rhys during this time because I feel as if the explanations that are given for his behavior and actions are flimsy and don’t hold up against most arguments. He felt as if he HAD to become Amarantha’s lover and lapdog in order to keep her from figuring things out about his friends and trying to hurt them. . .who were concealed in a city that hadn’t been breached for 5,000 years and the knowledge of them had been wiped from every person who knew them UTM. He “couldn’t” kill or hurt Amarantha because his power belonged “wholly” to her. . .but he was able to use his powers in ways that worked against her without her knowledge or consent about tons of other things. He was so tormented and miserable in his time UTM that he. . .mocked and tormented the one person who had a shot at freeing them all. When he saw that Tamlin was right on the brink of actually breaking the curse he. . .manipulated him into ensuring that it would never be broken. All the while being surrounded by other leaders who did not have the luxury of shielding their loved ones in an anciently protected city, who worked to help all innocent citizens of Prythian, and who were losing their lives over their refusal to submit to an evil tyrant. I have a vastly larger degree of sympathy and respect for these other High Lords than I do with Rhysand. I find Rhys to be either very self-serving, or doing things that seem to directly contradict what he claims he wants. I do not blame any of the High Lords for being wary and mistrustful of him after UTM--it makes perfect sense that they would (but that’s a topic for another section of this rant!). This is a prime example of SJM self-sacrificing through her writing. I can guarantee you I wouldn't feel as strongly about this as I do after hearing it beaten into my head over and over what a noble, selfless, honorable hero Rhys was during this time. I’m sorry, it doesn’t add up to me. Too many holes, too many contradictions. Which, unfortunately, is pretty standard fare when it comes to Rhys.
Remember, this was only Part 1!! Part 2--Why Rhys is actually a terrible High Lord--coming soon! 
335 notes · View notes
cafe-7-dream · 3 months
Text
Little Lies
Note(s): Happy Holidays! Here’s my gift for y’all, hope it’s good since it hasn’t been beta-read. Hope y’all like it! I’m a bit nervous to post this, it’s my baby after all, but hey, what can I say? I’m delusional about Andy Park. 。゚(゚´ω`゚)゚。 Word count: 6k Warning(s): spying and recording? (it’s not nefarious) jail and prison sentence mentions, swearing, insecure/negative thoughts, talk of wanting to die, panic attacks, mention of throwing up
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Jisung knew it was wrong, but what you don’t know can't kill you, am I right? 
He knew spying was morally— and probably legally— wrong. Throw the metaphorical cherry of recording on top of the oh-yeah-this-is-definitely-wrong-sundae, and voila! A prison sentence! 
Jisung didn’t want to go to jail, but he didn’t want to stop recording your sick skating tricks either.
If you are in a public space, you should expect your privacy to be violated! It’s common sense!
This is the defence Jisung just made up on the spot to spit out if you catch him red-handed with his borrowed camcorder in hand. Thankfully, he doesn’t end up having to use them since you are too focused on landing correctly and picking up speed on your board to notice him by the chain-link fence around the skate park.
The skate park is near the public basketball court where Jisung’s (self-proclaimed) best friend, Chenle, is currently too busy shooting hoops to notice that Jisung has wandered off. Lucky him, because Jisung could already imagine the teasing he would have to endure over filming a “pretty stranger”. He was only interested in the artistry thank you very much! 
Okay, maybe that was a little lie.
But it doesn’t matter. You are just a passerby in Jisung’s life, only never forgotten by the footage he films secretly.
Or are you?
It’d seem fate was on Jisung’s side, or against him, because you were at the skatepark once again the next Saturday. And the Saturday after that, and the one after that—you get the picture.
Jisung would encourage Chenle and the rest of his basketball club friends, vice-captain Jeno and captain Mark, to play street ball at the public court just so he could have a valid excuse as to why he also showed up near the skatepark every Saturday like clockwork.
It became a comfortable routine at one point. 
But all good things must come to an end, and Jisung wasn’t surprised that Donghyuck was the one to cause it.
“So that’s the person you fancy, ey?” Donghyuck—or Haechan that he keeps insisting on being called instead of his legal name— asked in his trademarked teasing tone.
Jisung jumped, caught red-handed with the camcorder pointed at you instead of the unofficial basketball match going on behind him.
“What? No!” Jisung tried to defend himself. 
But this was Haechan, so naturally, it was in vain. Haechan was a bloodhound at sniffing out gossip and rumours. He had to be, he claims, because he’s the school’s radio show host and the newscaster in the broadcasting club which Jisung also was a part of. That’s where he got his borrowed camcorder from.
“Oh-ho?” Haechan annoyingly wiggled his eyebrows. “Then you wouldn’t mind me going over there, right?”
Jisung wished the ground would just swallow him up right then and there.
Haechan was a known flirt, so Jisung knew that Haechan had no shame in trying to sweet-talk a stranger. 
That’d be embarrassing enough, but what if you actually fell for his charms?
That’d feel ten times worse, even though Jisung was already resigned to his fate as a passerby in your life. 
Over these past few weeks, he had indeed started fancying you, little by little. He knew he only liked the idea of you and was terrified of getting to know you and getting his perfect concept of you in his head destroyed. 
But Jisung was still a teenage boy with pride.
“No, of course not.”
And a liar.
“Sweet! Be right back!” Haechan took off before Jisung could falter and stop him.
Jisung cursed his fate—and his “friends”. 
This was not how he planned nor expected this Saturday to go. Why did Haechan have to force himself to tag along when he never had before? He had claimed that nothing was interesting about three sweaty boys playing with balls so why did he change his mind now? 
Jisung didn’t find them that interesting either, but he was grateful that they were too competitive and hyper-focused on the game to notice him wandering off. 
Jisung’s body froze.
Had they noticed? Had they spotted him while his attention was diverted?? Is that why Haechan already knew that Jisung had been transfixed by you before???
Oh no, oh no.
Jisung couldn’t believe this. 
When he turned around towards the court, he saw Chenle, Jeno and Mark all coming over, abandoning their game.
“So, Haechan’s picking them up for you?” Chenle asked between taking gulps of water from his water bottle.
“Or is he being a brat and picking them up for himself?” Jeno tagged on as he wiped the sweat from his brow with his shirt.
“No way, Haechan wouldn’t do that!” Mark defended. “Not to our baby Jisungie anyways.”
Jisung prayed to God for the strength to endure these assholes.
Tattletales, the lot of them. 
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Jisung lied through his teeth.
“Oh yeah, sure.” Chenle grinned provokingly. “You definitely haven’t been scoping them out every time we have gone here for the past month. It must’ve been someone else.”
“A ghost, maybe.” 
A chill went down Jisung’s spine, but he couldn’t pinpoint why. 
Was it because Mark thoughtlessly mentioned ghosts despite knowing damn well that Jisung was scared shitless of the supernatural? 
Was it because he now knew that he’d been spied upon this last month without his knowledge? 
Was it because Haechan was pointing at him while talking to you?
Wait, what?
Jisung turned his attention back to you two, and sure enough, you were now watching him because Haechan was stupidly pointing him out. 
Incredible. Amazing. Show-stopping. Spectacular.
Jisung respected Haechan dearly for his extrovertedness— he’s the only extrovert in the friend group besides Jaemin when he’s high from caffeine— but he kinda wished Haechan could break an arm or something at this very moment so they could flee the scene and never come back.
Preferably right now.
Alas, Haechan waved them over and his other treacherous friends grabbed him by the shoulders so he couldn’t bolt and drag him over to you.
Jisung’s mind and heart raced but he couldn’t get his stupid legs to obey him to take him far away. 
They just limply kept taking him closer and closer to his impending doom.
What a funny view this must’ve been for you. 
A lanky boy being almost entirely dragged by the friends that he towers over and should by all means be assumed stronger than when he’s actually the weakest strength-wise in the friend group.
Jisung hates his life.
Jisung’s legs and heart finally freeze, but he’s already near you now. 
You, who is talking to him? 
“You want to learn how to skate?” 
No.
“Yes.”
Oh my god, you idiot.
“Oh cool, do you have a board?” 
No!
“Yes?”
Jisung seemed to be short-circuiting because he couldn’t seem to say what he thought in his head, it all came out opposite to what he wanted!
“He didn’t bring it today,” Jeno fortunately lied to save him.
”Yeah, he promised to play ball with us!” Mark unfortunately lied when it’s obvious just by looking at them that Jisung was the only one not sweaty.
“I noticed you skate really well, and since none of us know how to and can’t teach Jisungie, maybe you could help out?” Haechan dramatically clasped his hands together and flashed puppy eyes.
God, smite him now. 
Jisung doesn’t care whether he goes to heaven or hell, he just wants to disappear.
“Of course!”
Scratch that, bring it back, what was that?
Did you agree? And you don’t even seem the least creeped out that strangers are boldly asking you for a favour! 
“Great, thanks!” Haechan patted Jisung on the back in either support or mockery. “We’ll be right over there at the court so just scream if he breaks something!”
Jisung’s friends scampered off before he could get a word in. Not that he could, since he was standing tongue-tied before you.
“So, you got a board. Do you know how to ride it yet?” You ask.
“No,” Jisung dumbly answers. Great. Now you’ll definitely see through his lies.
“Ah, a kind of I-will-learn-how-to-later purchase? I get you, I was the same way.”
You’re either incredibly kind by not calling Jisung out on his lies, or incredibly stupid.
Jisung preferred to imagine it to be kindness over stupidity. Or maybe not, since it meant you only played along despite knowing that he’s a seemingly compulsive liar.
“Well, we’ll start with learning how to balance and then go from there, it’s the most important basic of skating.” You place your board by Jisung’s shoes. “Place your feet near the ends of the board, your toes between the screws.”
Oh god, it slipped Jisung’s mind that he’d have to get on the board. He forgot that he couldn’t do this; he couldn’t even ride a bike properly yet! The last time he tried, another bike rider got pissy with him because he couldn’t ride in a straight line and kept swaying this way and that!
“It’s okay, I gotcha,” you said as you held your hands out for stability.
Jisung automatically placed his shaky hands in yours and stepped one foot on the board by the screws as you instructed. You swiftly placed your foot by the wheels on the other end, securing it in place.
“Good, now the other one.” 
Jisung must look so stupid right now, shaky without even having both feet above the ground. 
He’s grateful that you are nicer and more patient than he could ever have imagined.
Jisung bit the bullet and jumped fully on the board. It creaked beneath his feet but didn’t go anywhere. Jisung noticed that he had your hands in a death grip and tried to relax his grasp without much success. 
“Good! Now, bend your knees slightly.”
Jisung’s heart was about to burst out of his chest, but he did as you asked either way. 
“Find the centre of gravity. Balance your weight until you find it.”
Jisung shuffled a bit until he thought he could let go of your hands and not immediately faceplant. He did, indeed, let go once he realized that his hands were starting to get sweaty.
“You are doing great! Okay, now lock your knees in place.”
Oh god, you’re not about to do what he thinks you’re about to do, right? 
You placed your hands on his hips and pushed him. The wheels turned and the board went shakily forward. 
Jisung immediately felt himself losing his balance and reached out for anything to steady him. Your shoulders end up being just that thing, and he gripped on tight.
“You’re doing amazing!”
Physically? He hasn’t broken a bone yet. 
Mentally? In absolute shambles.
Hotel? Trivago.
Now’s not the time for jokes, Jisung is about to meet his maker!
The board continued to go forward despite Jisung’s prayers and he continued to hold onto you, his only saving grace from a hospital trip. It continued like that for what felt like a lifetime, but probably was only a few minutes in reality.
You helped him get off the board eventually, and Jisung had never been more grateful to stand on firm ground before.
“Good job! Same time next week?” You asked.
“Yeah,” Jisung breathlessly agreed before his mind processed the question.
“Great! Bring your board,” you cut in before Jisung’s mind caught up. “Oh, and a helmet and knee and elbow pads if you have them? I usually don’t use them unless I’m attempting a new trick that I know I’m going to fail several times before landing so I didn’t bring them today but I’ll bring them with me next week so you can borrow them if you don’t have any yet. You should invest in some though!”
Jisung is still coming down from the adrenaline of his near-death experience when you bid goodbye and ride off into the sunset. Literally. The sun had already set by now.
It was only on the bus on the way home that everything clicked into place and Jisung realised that he just agreed to put his life in danger again. 
Risking his life only to spend time with a pretty passerby.
What has he gotten himself into?
-
What has he gotten himself into, indeed, Jisung wondered as he stood in a skate shop Friday evening after school, a mere day away from your promised meet-up.
His friends—all six of them this time— explored the shop and advised him on which board to buy despite knowing jack shit about skating, just like him.
“No, this one is prettier,” Haechan argued loudly.
“Pretty isn’t the point, function is,” Renjun argued back. “And even if it was, then that one would totally win.”
Poor Jisung’s eardrums; why Renjun kept taking the bait leading to arguments with Haechan, he’ll never understand. 
Jisung had planned, before everything went ape-shit, to have a chill Friday night spent either sleeping early or gaming late, whichever caught his fancy. Instead, he’s blowing money just to spend time with someone he likes. Can he even say he likes you when he’s only spoken a few words to you? Jisung doesn’t know. He just wants to buy a board and get out of there.
“How about this one?” Jaemin asked as he pointed to a board on the wall filled with racks of them.
“Let’s just ask an employee, none of us knows what we’re looking for.” Mark, in his senior wisdom, replied.
And that’s precisely what they did, or rather, what Jeno ended up doing instead of Jisung as he was too intimidated to ask the clerk on his own.
At least he walked out of that store with the new purchase secured in hand. 
Mission accomplished. 
Now onto the next mission: not losing his one and only life. -
“I have a competition coming up.”
“Hmm?”
You and Jisung were currently taking a break, sitting on the ramp and eating snacks. 
Jisung was finally comfortable enough to skate around without assistance, but he valued his life enough to not attempt to do any tricks. Or make a move on you. 
He’s finally gotten over being tongue-tied and could honestly call you a friend now. A friend that he had a crush on. But he wouldn’t dare mention that to anyone but his six other friends who already knew of this. 
“-u listening, Jisungie?”
No, he wasn’t, and now he was distracted by the nickname you picked up from Haechan. “Jisungie” was the only name you ever called him by, which made him wonder if you thought that was his real name.
“No?” Jisung shyly admitted.
“I swear, sometimes I wonder what goes on inside your head. Like that time you had beef with a tree.” 
You laughed. God, how pathetic Jisung is to love to be laughed at, as long as you are happy.
“What? Don’t you know that trees are rude? Try talking to one and you’ll see.”
You laugh harder, and Jisung smiles wider.
“As I was saying: I have a competition coming up and wonder if you want to come and watch?”
“Of course!”
“Cool! It’s in two weeks on Saturday so I can’t see you next week because I have to practice.”
Jisung could feel his heart sink a little.
“Yeah, I gotcha. Don’t worry about it.”
“You could bring your camcorder if you don’t think it’ll be broken by a stray skateboard.”
Jisung’s heart picked up the pace. How did you know he had a camcorder?
“I’ve seen you before, filming me. I thought it was because you thought skating was cool at first, and then thought that you used the footage to study how to skate on your own when your friend approached me about teaching you how to. Either way, I’m cool with it so don’t worry if you chose to not bring it with you because you thought I would think it would be awkward or creepy or anything!”
Oh my god, you knew about him filming you! And you were cool with it! You were truly incredibly kind!
“Yeah, I could bring it and film you winning and then make a tape about it that you can watch later when you want to relieve the moment.”
Why did Jisung just offer that?
“Really? That’d honestly be so cool! Are you sure?” You excitedly asked.
Jisung thought he might kiss you if he had to look at your hopeful face any longer so he looked away.
“Of course, it’s nothing much. I could probably have it ready the week after the competition, in time for our next meet-up.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask, but is it really okay that I take over your Saturday every week?” You asked. “You don’t have anything better you would rather be doing, right?”
“No, I like being with you,” Jisung said a bit too honestly. Shit. Would you think he’s weird?
“Cool, me too! You’re really fun to hang around with. There’s never a dull conversation, that’s for sure!”
Jisung smiled while he bit down on his red apple.  -
Jisung could feel his veins pumping with adrenaline from where he stood in the crowd.
The skate park was packed with bystanders who came to watch the competition, and skaters were already warming up in the free space.
“Let’s try to find a better spot on higher ground, so we won’t only be seeing the backs of people’s heads,” Jaemin suggested.
Jaemin and Haechan tagged along without asking for permission first once they heard of where Jisung would be spending his Saturday. Secretly, Jisung was grateful that they came with him; he hates having to push through crowds alone.
Jisung held onto Jaemin’s backpack as Haechan led the makeshift train of three through the swarm. Finally, they found a good spot not too far away from the main event, but still less crowded with people.
“Full battery?” Haechan asked Jaemin when he took out a camcorder borrowed from the broadcast club from his backpack.
“I made sure to charge it completely since we’ll film for a long time. I think you said the competition would take about 3 hours?” Jaemin asked as he handed over a spare camcorder to Jisung to hold onto while he tried to untangle cords for the audio setup.
“That’s what Y/N said, anyways,” Jisung confirmed. 
“It’s the finals!” Haechan excitedly said, despite never showing an interest in skating before. “How did we miss that someone from our school made it to the finals? This is a good scoop for next week’s broadcast!”
Haechan was always on the lookout for new and exciting topics to cover during his radio show. That he’d be the first to rope Jaemin and Jisung into helping out with camera work and audio was unsurprising. They were all in the broadcast club after all. Jisung didn’t mind. He was here for you, not Haechan. But it was still nice to not come alone.
“Imagine if they win?” Jaemin asked. “We’d be the first to cover the scoop.”
Jaemin was currently on his third coffee of the day, which meant that he was 127% more likely to indulge in Haechan’s antics. Or create his own.
“We have to be professional and impartial during the broadcast.” Haechan dutifully stated, like a liar. “But we all know who our Jisungie is hoping to win.”
Jisung could feel his cheeks warm up. 
He couldn’t deny it, so he settled for saying, “Get ready, it’s starting soon.” 
The skaters had finished their warmups and stood on standby. The local newscasters who were invited by the event organisers to host the competition introduced themselves and the course. They also explained the semi-final rankings and the 2/5/3 competition format–two 45-second-long runs that can net the highest score of 100 with the 5 best single trick attempts also scored out of 100 counting toward producing 3 top scores (the best run score out of the two attempts where flow and consistency matters and the 2 highest scoring single tricks)– before calling up the first contestant.
The first skater made their way up the ramp. 
Haechan made a few comments on his own, but since he only researched the contestants and skating terminology a day before the event, he didn’t have much to add. Especially since the first skater wasn’t from their school or you.
The skater balanced their board with the tail on the ledge of the ramp. 
The background music started. 
The skater dropped down, the board picking up speed from the momentum.
Jisung was relegated to ensuring quality sound and audio since they all knew that if he was the cameraman, the footage would come out shaky from his nerves despite being behind the camera and not competing himself. He was quite happy with this task, however, since it meant that he could put headphones on in an attempt to drown out the booming music and cheers from the crowd. Jaemin was the assigned cameraman and he made sure to get clean footage of the contestants’ runs. Haechan made witty comments now and then, or just general statements about what was going on. 
When the contestant from their school got their turn, Haechan instantly became more invested. Jisung could feel his heart in his throat the entire time, but he didn’t know if it was because he wanted their fellow classmate to do well, or because you were the next skater. 
Once their classmate finished their run, Haechan continued his spirited spiel by introducing you. He had seen footage of your skating before by “borrowing” Jisung’s camcorder, so he was familiar with your style and had much more to say than the rest of the contestants. Jisung could already feel the upcoming headache of trying to edit the audio down.
You got ready and started your run with a drop-in just like every other contestant.
The drop from the ledge made Jisung’s heart drop to his stomach. He was more nervous than ever, but also elated to see you enjoying the wind in your face.
With the momentum built from the fall from the ramp, you did a basic ollie when flying over a bump. 
Jisung leaned forward, mesmerized, when you flew into the air and the board stayed on your feet. You stuck the landing, and Jisung let out a relieved sigh. He was too on edge to relax entirely yet though. You still had 40 seconds left on this run and then another attempt.
Next, you did an ollie to get up on a rail and then slid down it. 
35 seconds to go and you made another drop-in at the ramp on the other end of the course to pick up speed once again.
You may have gained a second wind, but Jisung felt winded already only from observing you. He was in disbelief over how effortlessly you make these tricks look when he knows for a fact that they are hard from how many times the other contestants failed or didn’t stick the landing while attempting similar tricks. 
Jisung was utterly, and hopelessly in love with this side of you, fully concentrated on your craft.
You finished off your last run with a 180 ollie up a bump to rail and went down the rail with a frontside boardslide.
The crowd cheered as you rode past them. Your and Jisung’s eyes met, and he automatically sent you a thumbs up. You smiled and raised your fist at him in lieu of thanks.
Now that you were done with your runs, Jisung could rest easy, right?
Wrong.
Jisung hadn’t felt this much anticipation and anxiety since he reluctantly showed recordings of his dancing to his friends– all of whom he knew would encourage and support him–after they had begged and nagged him to show his dancing for months. 
Did you win? Would you be disappointed if you lost? 
You were the best out there, and that’s not just Jisung’s bias talking; he had to listen to Haechan excitedly discussing your performance. By the smile on Jaemin’s face, Jisung knew he enjoyed it too despite not caring about skating in general. Jaemin just tagged along to witness “a love story for the ages in progress”.
After the last contestants’ runs, there was a break where the judges would count up all the contestants’ scores.
Jisung sat anxiously at the edge of his seat the entire break. He didn’t have the stomach to eat or drink anything Jaemin or Haechan tried to feed him, it felt like he’d just throw it back up.
Eventually, the judges announced that the official rankings were ready.
Jisung had his heart in his throat the entire time they listed off 10th to 5th place. Neither you nor the guys’ classmate had been announced yet.
Finally, in second place, a familiar name was announced.
Jisung cheered and so did Haechan and Jaemin.
They almost couldn’t believe it!
Their classmate made it to second place!
In all their joy and cheer, they almost missed the announcement of first place. 
Jisung didn’t, of course. His attention had been on you this entire time. 
He watched as your face lit up and you skated forward to be awarded the first-place medal. 
Jisung could feel hot tears start to prick his eyes out of overwhelment. He cried out and accepted the hugs that his friends offered him. Jisung felt on top of the world despite not having accomplished anything of his own yet.
He stuck around, waiting for you once Haechan left to annoy Renjun, wherever he was, and Jaemin went home to start editing the footage and audio.
“Hey.”
Jisung swivelled around, revealing you standing behind him. 
“Hey, you were amazing out there. Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” you say with a bright smile. “I could only do so well because I had my lucky charm with me.”
Jisung’s ears perked up. Why had he never heard of this before?
“Lucky charm?”
“Yeah. You”
Jisung inhaled sharply and choked on nothing. You patted his back while laughing at his coughing form. Jisung could feel the heat in his face so he tried to get his breathing back to normal before attempting to salvage the situation.
“You can’t say stuff like that! My heart can’t take it,” he ended up saying a bit too honestly.
“Okay, okay,” you reply, still with a toothy smile on your face. “Didn’t know you would react like that, my bad.”
You and Jisung stared at each other in comfortable silence, drinking in the moment.
Jisung broke the silence, by thoughtlessly offering, “Want to grab ice cream?”  
He could feel his breathing starting to get erratic again. It didn’t make it to a full-blown panic attack before you put him out of his misery.
“Of course!”
This was the best day in a long time.
-
This was the worst day in a long time.
“She was totally flirting with you, dude!” Haechan cornered Jisung one day before school started in the broadcasting club room to force out what happened after he left Jisung back at the skate park last Saturday.
“It’d be so romantic to confess at the end of the tape.” Jaemin tacked on, ever the romantic.
“This isn’t a rom-com.” Jisung bit out a little too harshly, but his adrenaline was pumping just at the mere thought of doing what he had just been suggested. 
Jisung’s a coward; he fears a lot of things. Some are relatively common fears like heights, bugs, and ghosts. And this? Rejection after confession? That definitely topped the list right now.
“C’mon, Jisungie!” Haechan goaded. “This is the best way to confess, you don’t even have to look at them because you’re looking at the camera lens.”
“Plus, you get to redo it if it comes out wrong,” Jaemin added. “It’s the best way!”
“Mind your own business.” Jisung dismissively said despite his racing and turning thoughts. “We’re on in five.”
”This isn’t over!” Haechan got the last word in before settling down at the newscaster's desk and reading through his cue cards in anticipation of going live for the school's morning news.
Jisung’s mind wandered during school like it usually does. He was thinking about you which wasn’t unusual. But this time he was seriously considering and planning out his confession, which was a subject he had tried to not even think about before unless he would revert back to his nervous state around you again. Jisung wrote and rewrote a cue card during class and desperately hid them from his friends’ prying eyes during recess and lunch. He wanted to do this entirely on his own, with no input or interference from anyone else. Jisung wanted his confession to come straight from the heart, regardless of whether it turned out clumsy or not. 
Jisung sat down at his desk at home to fine-tune his cue card for the last time before hitting record, the first of many takes. 
-
Jisung knew he was worrying you. 
This— his overthinking and jumpy nature— was exactly why he never seriously considered whether he had a shot with you or not, he knew that the thoughts would fray on his already anxiety-prone nerves.
“Are we going to talk about it?” You ask after he jumped away when you touched shoulders while sitting down on the ramp.
“Talk aBoUt what?”
Oh my God.
A voice crack? Really? Jisung was way past puberty by now! 
“This?” You gesture.
“You just gestured to all of me.”
“Exactly!” You empathised. “You’re being jumpy, you haven’t been jumpy with me since like the first few times we met. Did something happen?”
“No.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No!” Jisung made you jump back with how fast he turned around to reassure you. “You haven’t done anything, I swear!”
And that was the truth. He was just scared of what you were going to do once you saw the tape on the USB that lies hidden in his backpack. 
Were you going to hate him? Think that he was creepy? Finally cut ties with him after realising you are so way out of his league?
Jisung took a deep breath to still his negativity-prone mind like his therapist advised him to do when he gets stuck in a cycle of negative and unhelpful thoughts.
“It’s just-“ he tries but reconsiders. “The tape. That I’m supposed to give you.”
Jisung doesn’t know how to formulate this well without giving himself away.
“Do you need more time?” You ask.
“No, it’s done.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
God. He sucked at this. Why was he so awkward?
“Then, can I have it? I promise to watch it the full way through since you put effort into it. I haven’t seen it yet but I bet it’s good, but only because you made it.”
You’re such an angel, too sweet for him. No, that is an unhelpful thought. You were kind, and that’s a fact. Even if you don’t feel the same way, you would let him down gently, Jisung was sure of it.
Your sweet encouragement got Jisung to move his body to take out the USB and hand it over to you.
“Let me know what you think next week. I’ve got to go home. Mom’s calling.”
A brave coward, that’s what Jisung was. 
He couldn’t even look you in the eyes as he sprinted away from the skatepark. 
It was actually getting pretty late, you had endured Jisung’s weird behaviour for longer than he would’ve thought. But that’s what you do, surprise him again and again with being a better person than what he could dare imagine. He just hoped you wouldn’t break his bare heart. He had an inkling that you would, no matter how gently you turned him down. -
Next week Jisung ran late to your usual scheduled time. He was usually early and the first to get there but this time he wasn’t as eager. He was in for a bad time, he could feel it in his gut.
Nevertheless, he didn’t want to stand you up so he dragged himself out of the house and on the bus to the skate park.
You were sitting on the ramp, doodling on the tape of your skateboard like you were prone to do. Each time you met up, the tape sported a new addition. Somehow, this show of normalcy eased Jisung’s heart a little.
When you heard Jisung’s shoes scraping against the gravel, you looked up and smiled at him.
Maybe you haven’t seen the tape yet?
You jumped down from the ramp and placed your pen on the board and pushed it towards Jisung. 
It stopped a few feet away from him.
Jisung bent down to pick it up when he noticed the new doodle in red.
WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME? 
YES NO
His lungs stopped functioning. 
Were you serious? Have you actually seen the tape and thought Jisung was worth something? Have you seen something in him that you actually liked? Did you like-like him or did you just pity him? Were you going to laugh at him if he didn’t circle NO?
With shaky hands, Jisung circled YES. 
He put the cap back on the pen and put it back on the board that he gently shoved back to you. He slowly raised himself back to his full height and eagerly drank in your reaction. It was hard to decipher your face, it’s like nothing gave way for whether you were going to kiss him next or burst out in laughter. Jisung doesn’t think he could take being laughed at right now.
You skate over to him, feet on the fresh graffiti and Jisung’s heart sinks to his stomach.
Ah, this was it then. You were going to tell him that it was all a joke and you didn’t like him back.
“Wassup, boyfriend?”
Jisung could feel tears start to prick his eyes. 
He couldn’t do this. 
Not now. Not here. Not with you.
“-Jisungie?”
Jisung couldn’t hear anything. He shut his eyes to try and limit the sensory overload. 
He was spiralling and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop. 
Suddenly he felt a soft warmth on his lips.
When he clocked back into reality, you were standing on your board, face inches from his.
“I said: do I have to kiss you to wake you up, Jisungie?”
“Yes.” Jisung breathlessly replied a beat too late.
You smiled at him and he could feel his cheeks warm up.
“Alrighty, you get another free for being cute.”
Jisung couldn’t start processing that you just called him cute to his face before the warmth was back on his lips.
This time, he was a little bit more prepared and kissed back.
When you pulled back, both sported toothy grins at each other.
“Be honest,” you whisper to not break the moment. “Do you actually like skating, or do you just like me?”
Jisung was a coward. And sometimes a liar.
“You.”
But sometimes he bravely told the truth.
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emry-stars-art · 8 months
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i love your royal au so so much, it brings me life. I'm also about to go read your college au because it looks amazing and i just love your writing sm asdfghjk
also! i read in the tags of one of your posts that you want to talk about abram and branding. and i want to hear about abram and branding. so really it's a perfect match!
really though i just want you to know that youre amazingly talented and i love what youre making🥰 have some validation✨ you deserve it!!!
Two asks about the branding + two parts of the branding = I love you, it IS a perfect match! (Also ty very much I saw your ao3 comment as well and you’re SO nice ahhh)
Anyway find part one of Abram’s brands [here], welcome to part two (feat. a buuuuuunch of ideas from @jtl-fics ✨)
Find the royal au writing masterpost here 💕
In the morning, Abram wakes not on the carpet but in Day’s bed. He can make out Day’s blurry form across the room, hunched over and focused at his desk.
Abram stays there for a while, fighting sleep and crushing disappointment to try and figure out what he’s going to do now. If the prince doesn’t want him around anymore, he’ll have to go back to a cramped barrack room. He’ll need to gather his admittedly meager belongings, he’ll need to figure out how to handle sleeping around strangers.
He doesn’t bother to get up until there’s a knock at the door. Shortly after, Day comes to check on him, finally realizing Abram is awake. The prince is outside, Day tells him. He wants to see you.
Abram takes a long while to think, to panic a little, to let himself shake. But he tells Day he doesn’t need to send the prince away. Eventually Abram can get up and go to the hall.
Andrew’s been rehearsing this ever since he’d determined to come find Abram. He can’t just say we need to talk or I need to know or come with me. Even just at the door he can see how close Abram is to running. They don’t even need to have a real conversation. Andrew just needs to explain himself.
“Good morning,” Andrew says, though it’s closer to midday, and is happy with how easily Abram finds his eyes even with the blurry sight. He brushes his fingers against Abram’s knuckles the way he’s seen Day do when he wants to lead Abram somewhere. “I have much to tell you about.”
After a hesitation, Abram slides his hand up Andrew’s to take hold of his sleeve, silent agreement. Day watches them go from his doorway.
Much like every time before, Andrew is as transparent as he needs to be. Abram’s always needed clarity, now more than ever. Andrew tells him that yes, Day explained the brand. (Not much to lose in translation there. It was exactly what Andrew thought it was.) He’d explained Abram’s panic over it. Yes Andrew had been surprised and angry, but he doesn’t need Abram to leave. (He doesn’t want Abram to leave.) Nothing has to change. Andrew never needs to mention or see that brand again if Abram doesn’t want him to.
After that, Abram’s fears shift wildly, if not diminish. Where before Andrew brushing against the bandage, clothed or not, made Abram shudder in discomfort, now he thinks it wouldn’t be so bad. Andrew had been very clear that he didn’t think less of Abram, he’d even threatened High Prince Riko for it in such a way that Abram almost really laughed. It’s more convenient to have a second person able to help him with it until he can see well enough.
Maybe later, well into their courtship, Abram gets in his head about it again. Could be a trigger, could be something more about him and the prince and touch - Andrew doesn’t try to touch him much, he’d been avoiding even more casual contact ever since Abram returned from Evermore. Maybe Andrew doesn’t like to feel the new scars and marks.
(Of course, Andrew is just being conscientious of Abram’s new boundaries. He has no way of knowing those boundaries have changed since then until Abram tells him, but Abram still hasn’t quite figured out that kind of communication.)
Maybe Abram asks if Andrew is going to turn him away. Or if Andrew is only tolerating Abram’s touch, the feel of his skin. If it isn’t comfortable, Abram promises to never ask again, as long as it means he gets to stay at Andrew’s side.
Andrew takes a moment to process that.
He asks again, “Do you want me to touch you?”
“Not if you don’t want -”
“I already know what I want,” says Andrew. “Don’t concern yourself what you think I like and dislike. Do you want me to touch you?”
Abram gives a breath that shakes his shoulders.
“Yes.”
With communication comes understanding, comes Andrew realizing that Abram still hates that cattle brand. Abram thinks Andrew hates that brand. Or at least that it makes him want Abram less. Andrew can’t tell Abram not to hate it, but he can prove that he doesn’t. He takes Abram’s hip and presses his palm squarely over the place he knows the brand is.
“You don’t have to believe me now,” he says, “but there is not a single part of you I would not want to someday be allowed to touch.”
And miraculously, incredibly, finally; that isn’t something Abram dreads.
(And oh, when that day comes it would be a hip kiss to rival canon.)
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joejoequinnquinn · 5 months
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Feeling contemplative tonight - 3:30am counts as night time, right? 🤔
I may not have loads of followers (this is a side blog and I’ve found gaining followers more difficult than on my main, maybe that’s just me though) and I may not get loads of interaction on my fics, and I may not appear on fic rec lists, or be reblogged by the bigger accounts, and I may not receive loving asks from mutuals or strangers, or be high on anyone’s ‘I love this blog’ list, and I may not get many DMs these days (partly down to my own disappearance and my terrible ADHD brain not being able to reply to people in a timely manner - so sorry, I will get to it I promise!! I usually have replied to you in my head six times already before typing it out…🫶🏻) and sometimes I genuinely may not feel like I even fit here anymore…
BUT what I do have is a small group of absolutely awesome mutuals who are unwaveringly supportive, encouraging, and caring, who make me feel loved and validated, who I am incredibly grateful for in this crazy hellhole of a site. You guys make me feel seen and heard and I don’t know if you realise how much that actually means when there are times you feel like you’re just typing into the void. I don’t have to second guess myself with you, or make myself something I’m not for you to want to be friends with me - and that means so much to this anxiety ridden old lady 🥰
Not forgetting those blogs who I don’t have much direct interaction with, but who are always there in my notifs if I post a fic and I am incredibly thankful for. I see you, and I appreciate you. 💛
I’ll just be out here continuing to slowly write Eddie and Joe fic and posting my rambles over an indie film I saw a week ago that changed the chemistry of my brain 😆
Feel like this post also proves why I should be asleep at this time, rather than making myself feel things by scrolling on social media 🙃 Off to bed I go…
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stevebabey · 2 months
Note
I just read your x reader post (and the anon response to it) and good Lord you are right. I read your whole rant and I felt it in my bones!!
I've been in this damn app for over 10 years, and written for almost as many fandoms, and I'll say that the x reader tag has NEVER been this bad. It's not just st, it's nearly all of the ones I've seen and it's just gone down hill. It's really so fucking sad.
I was huge in the SVU fandom, and there were So! Many! Writers! We all reblogged eachothers fics and not everything had to be about sex to get notes! We LOVED when reader kissed the character for the first time because we understood that it was the yearning, the 'Oh God finally I'm having you' and not all about just fucking! God now even the most hastly written, shitty smut gets thousands of notes just because it's smut. It's so fucking disheartening. I've written a few things for st (one of which is the piece I'm most proud of, ever) and it got like, 100 notes on here. That's it, but I swear some 'popular' writers get so much traction just because they write smut poorly.
And not to sound like a boomer (cause I'm not a SWEAR) but the tik tok-ification of fandom and fanfic is ruining it! The lack of reading comprehension, the fact that reader has to be as description-less as possible or else "its not realalistic, I'd never do that, etc etc" makes me wanna rip my skin off. Fanfic used to be an outlet for so many people but the way its treated now makes it near unbearable.
(I'm so sorry I went on a rant you don't have to post this but just know that I agree with you 110%)
RANT! RANT! RANT! i’m so happy to hear people’s rant, i talk about these issues a lot with friends in dms and it’s very vindicating to hear it’s something that has bugged and annoyed more people than just me !
yes omg the way x reader fics have shifted over the last 10 years is INSANE— hearing that it’s not just stranger things unfortunately doesn’t make me feel much better lmao
i’ve picked this fight before back when i was in the spidey fandom because of this EXACT reason — where i was like hey…… sometimes things that have more notes….. are worse - because people have this insane thing where they will judge a fic? based on? its notes? and its like buddy how do u think a fic gets ANY notes if you act like that. truly its the worst, writers that are already big just keep getting boosted (even if they just write characters nasty fucking which is! ur prerogative! but it shouldnt be SUCH a factor in being popular/getting your fics read)
i’m not pointing fingers but yes i know a couple blogs that get HYPED because they both A) write smut constantly and B) write fast. and isn’t that just such a kicker if you can’t and don’t want to do those things? like even though it means nothing, there is no correlation between writing slow = bad writing, this site reflects that SO much because they never give that shit the notes it deserves
tiktok-ification god ur so right. it’s the way the mindset has shifted from these being wips, writing, pieces that you develop into instead content. consumable content. there’s such a disconnect between people that read shit tons of fic and the realisation that it’s produced by a person. they just hit the like button and go on anon to ask for an update and it’s like buddy it can’t work that way! the same way u like to read fic, writers want validation and engagement and questions and motivation!!! talk about biting the hand that feeds you 😭
[grabs ur shoulders and presses our foreheads together] we’re not crazy. it used to be better and we can make it better in time <3
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befemininenow · 1 year
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Welcome to my blog, stranger.
You probably got here by accident, or by intention. Whether the algorithm or a shared post got you here, it was appealing enough to get you here. Maybe it was the girls in the pics. Maybe it was the captions that persuaded you. Maybe  the descriptions in the posts were relatable. Or maybe even the blog’s name caught your attention. Whatever it was that led you here, welcome to my trans girl caption blog. It’s mostly captions and post descriptions based on the fantasies and IRL experiences of trans girls on a random POV. They may even “crack your egg”. While they may not speak for all trans girls, it may be relatable to you. If you’re not comfortable with this topic, expect BDSM-related posts, and/or are transphobic, turn away now.
Update as of May 13, 2023: I made the decision back in April to instantly “retire” from TG captions. You can read more about my choice in this link: https://www.tumblr.com/befemininenow/714093164361924608/its-time?source=share. However, thanks to the overwhelming support from fans and people alike, it persuaded me to push the “retirement date” to a few more weeks and wrap up my final 69 caption posts. Also read about it here: https://www.tumblr.com/befemininenow/715369328081518592/i-may-have-quit-making-captions. If you don’t see anything new after I uploaded my 69th caption post, that’s because I finally finished. My blog will serve as an archive from now on until Tumblr somehow deletes it.
What is this blog about?
It is caption blog detailing the experiences of trans girl’s (or woman’s) while closeted or out. Some posts even detail my own experiences dating as back as I can remember. Imagery of girls, cis and trans, are generally used in relation to the captions. Each experience is unique, so don’t feel bad if you can’t relate to posts like “anime girls cracked my egg”. I seldom share other topics related to issues trans girls often face, as well as even share a small biography of trans girls in a few of my posts.
Who is it aimed for?
It is aimed at those who identify as transgender, questioning, fluid, and those who wish to explore their feminine side. These captions are meant to detail experiences and fantasies that trans girls have even before transitioning. However, captions are not meant for everyone, just like how not every trans girl is meant to be a programmer (sorry if I crushed your dreams).
Why did you create this blog?
Simply put, the disturbing amount of forced feminization, BDSM, and sissy blogs overflowing this site motivated me to do something different. Although few of these blogs have at least something redeeming to the point where I may reblog it and attach a description, the vast majority repels me due to its negative, humiliating energy. Unfortunately, caption blogs focused on the experiences of trans girls are either inactive or overshadowed. Lastly, I wanted to share a few personal experiences of exploring my identity through captions and post descriptions. 
Where do you get your sources?
I get them through Google searches, social sites, and of course, other blogs from this site. Captions and descriptions are also based on what I learned, read, and heard through trans girls both online and IRL.
When do you usually post?
I post almost daily, or when I’m in the mood. I often reblog from other sources, but it is becoming a rare instance. Thursdays and Fridays are throwback and flashback posts recalling my own experiences or to jog the reader’s memory of seeing a familiar picture. I even point out the original pic source for trivia, or how the pic influenced me in making the captioned pic.
How will this help?
It is meant to affirm and validate any person who often deals with denial about being transgender. Although some of these captions seem a little teasing and may be seen as a fetish, everything is voluntary. However, NEVER use captions to treat gender dysphoria! Seek professional help if you are dealing with it! Also, please research the effects of HRT pills (hormone replacement therapy) as the changes may be permanent depending on the individual. They are not like Senzu Beans that will inflate you if taking more than needed. You WILL get actual and unpleasant side effects if abused.
Can you do any requests?
I’m sorry, but I rarely have the time to check back my blog or messages anymore. If I don’t read your message for some reason, don’t take it as an offense. I’m simply quite reserved and busy IRL. It could take time before I check back. Also, no, I will not take your request to “feminize” you! Fake “mistresses, doms, godesses, and daddies” are also out of the question! I had an awful intro experience online role-playing with them and I am never doing that again!
Extra: I’m a “sissy”, femboy, crossdresser (CD), etc. Am I welcome here?
I won’t place a ban on you if you are a “sissy”, a femboy, or a crossdresser as I have to acknowledge a good portion of my followers are of that category. However, I do not associate myself with the term “sissy” as I take it as a derogatory word used to invalidate someone’s gender identity. If you’re looking for “sissy” or “forced fem” stuff in this blog, don’t bother. You will dehydrate as fast as SpongeBob and Patrick on Sandy’s treedome.
Last: A little bit about you?
I’m a 20-something closeted trans girl who has an internal female side that I want to express. There are days I feel feminine and there are days I feel fluid with my gender. While I’m not out yet due to personal and social issues, I know I will finally be my own self once the chance comes. While I won’t reveal my actual age, I am one of the older cuspers born between millennial and Gen Z. Favorite things include, but not limited to, anime, games, pop culture, and social media. You will catch that a lot in this blog.
I hope this Q&A solved most of your questions and doubts. Enjoy your stay here. You’ll probably find something you like. Checking out.
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Finally got a call back from the autism assessment people. And what do you know? They said that insurance wouldn’t cover it so if we want to actually get me in to get tested it’ll be 4,000 US$ out of pocket. My parents said we can’t afford that right now.
This is what we mean when we say diagnosis is a privilege. Because in the US, it literally costs thousands of dollars for them to even look at you. And even if you can afford that, or your insurance will pay for it (most probably won’t), you still have to deal with doctors who have a very narrow view of what autism looks like, both in how it presents itself symptom-wise, and in how the people who have it look physically. If you do not fit the stereotype of Smart, but Socially Awkward White Boy, there is a chance they will reject you outright.
“Diagnosis is a privilege” doesn’t mean that only privileged people get diagnosed, or that your life must have been easy and perfect if you yourself were able to get one. It means that not everyone with certain conditions/disorders/neurodivergencies is able to get diagnosed with them for a variety of reasons that don’t include “they’re faking it”. And that is literally just a fact.
Like, seriously, what do people who think diagnosis isn’t a privilege think getting diagnosed is like? Like, with some disorders it’s much easier. I was diagnosed with depression the first day I saw my first psychiatrist. But most of the disorders they always claim people are faking (autism, adhd, did) are actually very difficult to get diagnosed with just because it takes so long and can often be very expensive. Like, I’ve literally been waiting to get diagnosed for almost half a year. And now they say they won’t even try unless we fork over $4,000. People who are against self-diagnosis are so fucking dense. Like, what do you want me to do? Say I don’t have autism because I couldn’t pay them to check??? Cause only rich people can have autism I guess./s
Knowing that I’m autistic has helped me understand a lot about myself that I didn’t before. It has helped me realize that some of my weak points (not being able to work with vague instructions, being very sensitive to criticism, etc.) have a reason behind them and other people experience them in similar ways. I am autistic. I do not have any doubts about being autistic. And I do not have to prove to strangers on the internet that I am autistic before I get to talk about my experiences with it without being relentlessly scrutinized.
Edit: Been seeing some ppl talk about this phrase in a way I hadn’t before and I want to clarify: getting diagnosed is not always actually good, especially when you’re very young and you don’t get to decide whether you want it or not. What I meant in this post is that access to diagnosis is a privilege. Hope that clears things up if you had questions. This was mainly meant to demonstrate that ppl who are against self-dx need to get their facts straight. I’m not actually here to talk about the privilege aspect very much either (I didn’t realize there was discourse there), but in short: it’s complicated, but it is often a result of some privilege that ppl are able to get diagnosed, especially later in life. I also want to make it clear that it’s very valid to not want a dx. I actually went back and forth on it myself bc of all the fucked up laws and discrimination and stuff. (Which is yet another reason self-dx is valid and sometimes the best option) So yeah. Idk, just wanted to make it clear what I’m trying to say.
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utilitycaster · 4 months
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This feels like a weird thing to ask someone but I greatly respect your ability to speak your honest critical opinion (and in such well spoken terms) in an internet atmosphere where you can get crucified for saying anything less than full-throated praise--and that's exactly my issue. I run a small, fandom-oriented Youtube channel and despite knowing that I'm entitled to critical opinions, that I don't even want the attention of delusional reactionaries anyway, etc etc I'm finding it incredibly difficult to share what I really think of some shows + aspects of fandom and shipping. I've become weirdly terrified of saying one perfectly logical thing that does not align with the elaborate fantasy some people have built in their heads and getting canceled/losing the small base of followers I've managed to cobble together. The real nightmare is sharing something harmless like a shipping opinion and having purity culture come for me and call me a p*dophile for absolutely no reason. But at the same time I feel like a spineless coward for letting the toxic side of fandom win by scaring me into silence, especially when one of my goals for the channel from the beginning was to create a place where level headed critical opinion could be shared without fear of gross overreaction and slander. So I guess my questions are: is it as easy for you to speak honestly as it seems? Have you ever flinched before? Is it just about not caring what irrational people think or is there something else to it I'm missing? Sometimes it feels like my fears are valid and sometimes it feels like I just need to grow a backbone and get over it already.
Hey anon,
So I think there is one really big factor here: I am posting anonymously and facelessly and I don’t mind if I alienate people on the basis of an opinion I genuinely hold. If you’re actively trying to build a following and/or if you’ve made yourself identifiable, then I do in fact understand holding back more for reasons of trying to keep that following, or for reasons of personal safety.
But yeah: it’s mostly just that strangers who send anon hate don’t know jack shit about my life or me as a person; they just see an opinion that, as you said, challenges the elaborate fantasy in their head and attack the person who said it. I have, genuinely, been told things that I know for myself to be demonstrably false about my life (not even opinions about me I reject - demonstrably false things) by people who are ultimately just mad that I don’t like their characters or ships. I would obviously feel terrible if a person I knew in real life accused me of something terrible, and I’d still feel bad if it were someone I interacted with online with any sort of regularity, but someone hiding behind complete anonymity? They’re not calling me names because they genuinely think I’m bigoted. They’re calling me names because they are willing to use tools to try to drag me down because they cannot accept I don’t feel the same way they do about a character. They’re like when conservatives claim that denying service to queer people is religious freedom - they are using what appears to be a legitimate appeal to ostensible shared values, but really they’re exploiting the system and people's desire to take things in good faith because they can't stand not getting their way.
The other thing, and I recognize how much I sound like my parents here, is that your bullies are thinking about you more than you think about them. Anyone who sends hate desperately wants you to agree with them. Show them you are not thinking of them.
And finally, some of the hate I’ve gotten has genuinely been about the most anodyne things, which ironically helps because once you realize that no matter how bland an opinion is, some asshole will foam at the mouth about it.  Like, again, I definitely talk plenty of shit about ships or characters or choices I don’t like, but I got some wildly out of pocket shit from people who apparently could not tolerate the completely random example I used to illustrate a fairly uncontroversial and popular opinion re: ship tagging on ao3. And once something like that happens you realize that there’s no point in avoiding the spicier stuff.
I don’t know if this helps, and I recognize that I happen to have a particularly contrarian and not remotely conflict-averse personality. I respect the many people who are not willing to put up with hate and I don’t blame you if you’re one of them; at points in my life I have not been in a place to put up with it and was much less outspoken. But in the end, the thing about people who harass you is that they care so, so much about you agreeing with them, and if you tell them a flat firm no while also making it clear you don’t give a shit if they ever agree with you, they do tend to eventually give up upon realizing how one-sided their obsession is.
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thecosmiccrow · 17 days
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I wanted to preface this ask by saying I’m sorry if the constant asks are annoying you or making you uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I’d want to do so if you want I’ll stop this entirely. (It’s not like I have any other asks in mind at the moment anyways)
I saw you said on your post showing off your bg3 tav/dark urge character (awesome character and art btw, love them) that you were hoping coming back here would help your mental state.
I know this might be overtly forward and I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable, but if you are ever going through a tough time and need to talk to someone about it, I am willing to listen. If you just want me to just listen, I can do that. If you want me to tell you everything will be alright and things will get better, I can do that. If you want me to just agree with you and reassure you your feelings are valid, I can do that
Just please, do not let yourself go through this alone. If you ever feel like no one cares, know that I do.
Again, sorry if this is too personal or if I hit completely off the mark, but it felt necessary for me to write this. I couldn’t bear the thought of you suffering alone and in silence.
Also, don’t feel obligated to answer this ask publicly or at all. I just wanted to say these words to you so you know you aren’t alone.
I know it’s probably weird hearing all this from what is practically a complete stranger with a weird username like “oldmanjenkins985” but I truly mean everything I’ve written here. I care about you and your wellbeing and I don’t want you to suffer like I did not too long ago.
dude fuckin. thank you. i donr mind the ranting, and yeah, my mental state is still weird, but i do have friends to talk me through it :] i appreciate your concern though
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