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#I don like humans their so complicated and they scare me
la-duvalin · 2 years
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Fluff where Loki and reader are so in sync that they finish each others sentences and know exactly what the other are thinking and then Thor etc. get really confused and find it weird but also think they’re perfect for each other. And loki and reader are not in a relationship yet and have a sort of tense enemies sort of relationship and they tolerate each other but still hate each other. It’s complicated and very specific, I apologise
Thank you so much for your lovely request darling!! I hope you enjoy it!! And please do tell me how you liked it if you wanna ♡ 
Gee this fic got way longer and took more time to realize than expected, sorry for the long wait, dear, yet I hope y´all enjoy it regardless
Btw, I did this thinkig of the reader as NB, since you didn´t specify, so just in case I did it like so, I hope you don´t mind <3
Summary: You tried to help Loki get the throne of Asgard, but when things went South, he disappeared for you to never hear of him again, and you were left to face the concequences of your actions. You were banished from Asgard and sent to Midgard. After one year in this planet and barely adapting in a little nice and cold country named Germany, suddenly, your plans go South and your life changes, yet again...
Word count: 6k (6320)
Warnings: None, but idk why but I decided to put a lot of context, making it longer, but it gets there...eventually. Also, it got a little "bit" angsty, and for this I'm sorry.
Aftermath.
  Your life in Midgard hasn´t been as bad as you thought it would be, things are still complicated for you of course, it could be worse, so far you have managed to learn from humans and you even have now your identity and a little appartment in a crowded building, and have a new little job that at least pays the bills and some of your needs. You have even found a little happiness in exploring this beautiful country, on your weekends you decide to have really long walks, even traveling to the other side of the country, exploring and learning it´s history, you couldn´t help but find such huge interest in the art the museums displayed. You of course know how all the objects in these beautiful places became in the possesion of the museums, and you hate it, but you still can´t help but to admire the pieces.
   One cloudy Saturday you woke up not so early, but still went to a place you´ve heard about thanks to a coworker, a specific street in Baden-Württemberg, Stuttgart, named  Königstraße (Köningstrasse). You wanted to also visit the “countryside” of Baden-Württemberg, but that´d had to be another day, you should´ve woken up earlier for that though.
  Since you were already late, you decided to take things easy and get ready and eat calmly. Good thing was that you could go in the subway and arrive there easily.
   You arrived there pretty well but then after an hour of walking non-stop and not checking were you where going, the obvious happened and you got lost, but you couldn´t say you were scared or something of the sort. All the little streets were so beautiful, you were even thankful you got lost. You were still a bit confused on how some maps worked and such, and that there is also to be added the fact that you don´t have a good sense of direction.
Besides that, you got to dine in a very nice and affordable resturant and got to enjoy pretty much of the whole place. Once you got “unlost”, the sun was setting, and the now clear sky was getting dark, soon to be decorated with beautiful stars. You decided to walk a little bit more, enjoying it all. You just love feeling like this, the freedom of being able to just walk on your own on such a beautiful day and in a new place with such an interesting arquitecture, cold yet not freezing (not yet anyway), feeling like you don´t even have struggles nor responsabilities, that beautiful feeling when you can almost make sure nothing could go wrong nor that anything can change how you feel at the moment.
Something pulls you back to reality, a very luxurious car, and then another and another at almost different times, they were all heading one place, you rushed out of the alley you were in and looked where they were headed. Apparently it was some sort of palace maybe, it certaintly looked like one, maybe they were opening it or they were celebrating something, by the looks of it, since everything in the place looked like one of those big ostentatius public celebrations rich humans like to throw when something really important is happening in a certain date and things of the sort. 
It wasn´t long after you heard screaming from inside that place. Your instinct of course told you to run away, but you knew you could be of help to those people, whatever the situation was, so you ran in the contrary direction those people were running towards, until you saw it, the source of the problem, you stood astonished, just not believing what was right in front of you.
It was him, the guy you thought was dead, the main reason you´re stuck in this planet. You couldn´t help but feel so many things like betrayal, relief, happiness, resentment. You wanted to just cry or scream, or maybe even both because of the intense emotions and the impression. He was just smiling when he made some illusions of himself and made them scatter so he could have at least a big group of people completely under his control. You weren´t in it, you were just a bit far, enough for him not to notice you, plus he was just so concentrated, enjoying what he was doing. You weren´t paying attention to what he was saying, but listening to his voice made you feel something else you couldn´t quite recognize, but it was also as intense as the other emotions plaguing your heart, you could feel it bumping against your chest like if it wanted to make it explode.
An older man stood up, by the looks of it he was contradicting the black haired God that was holding them “captive”, not long after, Loki pointed this weird golden spear towards the elder, it was obviously to harm the poor man. You were about to scream at the Asgardian when he shot some ball of energy and light to the old man, and some other guy, younger by the looks of him and dressed in this blue full body suit, with a blue mask covering half of his face, tall but not as tall as Loki, with a shield, which turned Loki´s shot against him and knocked him to the ground. The people started to scatter again, now succesfully, almost everyone panicking and screaming, which was very understandable.
The God of Mischief and the blue-suited guy started to fight, this all looks like it´s not Loki´s first problem to cause in Midgard. You walk towards them, you don´t even know why or what you´re going to do once you reach them, you just do it, you bump into a couple of people running for their lives. When you get close enough, after one actually good fight, Loki has Mr.Blue Suit on the floor, about to kill him with his spear.
—Loki! Stop it now! — you scream at him while getting close, but at a much slower speed
And he did stop, not because you told him to, but because he was also astonished, he definitely didn´t expect to see you, specially right there. He stared at you for what felt like an eternity, but in reality it was barely a second. Something else hit him and left him on the floor again, a man in an metal suit commanded him to stay put. To your surprise, he surrendered and put the spear down raised his hands so the two saviors of the day could see them. As soon as Mr.Blue Suit looked at you, you didn´t know why, but you started running, kind of aknowledging that seeing you knew him could bring you trouble. The guy immediately caught you and said told you to give yourself in or things could get worse for you, so you didn´t even put up a fight, after all, you´re innocent and you´d be out of this situation in no time.
What the hell had he doe this time? Why was he in Midgard? He really had left you to your fate back then. Your mind was plagued of these thoughts and even more questions, making you feel like if your heart was sinking.
They decided to not cuff you, you really didn´t look like a threat, but they had to take you, just in case, plus they might even get you to help them out somehow if you knew anything and if they managed to convince you.-
Once they sat you down, you stared at Loki while he was sitting down too, you still couldn´t believe what you were seeing, the memories of that day went over your head like if they´ve just happened. You also noticed a certain change in him, he looked bad, pained and even tired, you immediately figured that while he was gone, we didn´t go to a nice place or maybe he met something or someone. He could hide a lot of things from everyone, but not the people who really know him, even though it wasn´t your case, you aknowledge to yourself that the things you know about him are probably the mere surface.
He stares right back at you and gives you a mischievous and wide smile, for then to say your name, like if it was such a pleasure for him so say it
—It´s been a while. It´s so good to see you again, did you miss me?— he says, almost amused.
The want and need to answer him and question him bother you, but you decide to not even say a word to him, not until he apologizes, which you know it´s almost impossible to happen, it´s Loki, the God of Mischief we´re talking about here.
Both Mr.Blue Suit and Mr.Metal stare kind of discretely towards you both, as they analize what help you can provide them and how much you can be of use to end his whole “mission”. 
—Oh come on, darling, are you really going to ignore me? Don´t be mean— he continued, that amused tone still in his voice, but now a mocking little laugh finished the sentence.
With a lot of work from you, you managed to keep ignoring him and stare at the floor, the walls, everything but him, the good thing is that it actually distracted you a bit, you couldn´t help but to think that these guys must have a lot of money to buy such a nice plane, or that they were maybe some special force in a really rich country´s military.
Meanwhile, the little group of saviours and the pilots talk but you can´t figure out what theyp´re saying, they´re talking very low, but they glance at Loki every now and then, they feel, or they know, that something is not right about all of this, and it also makes you think a little bit, you don´t remember the God of Mischief making anything easy, specially when he´s got a plan. Come on, he even disappeared completely once the plan of taking the Throne of Asgard for himself failed.
A storm was comming, the lightnings were getting closer and louder all of the sudden, it felt almost like if they were attacking the plane itself. This was definitely strange, for the sky was even clear like seconds ago.
—What´s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?— Mr.Blue Suit asked when he noticed the Argardian a bit nervous.
—I´m not overly fond of what follows— he answered. He definitely knew something was comming.
When he said that and without analyzing his change of attitude all of the sudden you suspected the same. You immediately wondered a thousand things, because for his oh so dear brother to be there, then he must´ve known where he was, at least recently, or something, you even wondered if Thor let you escape. Your thoughts were interrupted by something that hit the plane, even moving it, making everyone get starteled. The guy in the metal suit put his helmet on and opened the back door of the plane, while he was ready to get out and check what was that, Thor entered the plane and hit the Iron guy before he could do much. The God of Thunder then got Loki out of his seat by force and grabbed him by the throat to then jump out of the airplane with his brother still on his grasp.
After a small exchange of words between the two saviours, which was actually kinda funny, the iron guy went after Thor, then Mr.Blue took a parachute and went right behind him. Though, that last guy did say something that made you scoff, that there was just one God and that he didn´t dress like that. Of course you knew which God he was talking about, but what was funny to you is that even though he just saw two gods, he still said there was only one.
Another thing that caught your attention was the mention of the Tesseract, that did catch your curiosity, it must have something special, you of course knew what a tesseract is, but then it must hold in itself something really important, something maybe Loki needs
Once you were left alone with the pilots you just sighed « Well now that was something, huh...he gets to recive his punishment on Asgard for whatever stupid thing he did there...» you thought, tried to shrug off the little storm of emotions and confusing thoughts that you were having at the moment, you wanted to just let it go instead of processing it´d at least get your mind off of Loki at least, maybe you could even go back to your normal life after this, even though, you didn´t want this, no matter how much you deny it. 
One of the pilots, a really beautiful woman with red head, which, judging by her eyes and stare, she was pretty tough, started to ask you a casual question about him, but you decided not to answer, plus she was quite busy, it´s not like if she could just make you answer. You did want to answer eventually, but only once you get to know more about what´s going on. Thankfully she didn´t insist on an answer, not even a reaction.
Not long after, you finally realized how tired you really were, it had all been too much, you walked for hours almost without stopping before all of this happened, even though you still worried, you decided not to care much if you fell asleep there, you were already stressed out enough, and your body really needed it, plus the night is pretty young and you might need some energies for later. So you relaxed as much as you could, the faint vibrations of the plane helped of course, and you fell asleep successfully.
You felt like if it were hours of sleep you had, it was a relief to you that you truly rested. Unfortunately, someone woke you up. It was the same woman, the one who was piloting the plane. You sighed, unbockeled the saftey belt and got up, stretching your arms and back as you stood. She gave you a mask, and you were about to ask why, but you just put it on without saying a word, she must´ve given it to you for a reason after all, and well, there´s no reason to hurt you or anything of the sort. Once you put the mask on it felt like if a breeze was comming from inside it, this confused you until she opened the plane door, you couldn´t believe it again, those were clouds outside. You could barely see because of the darkness of the night, but there was no doubt you were in the sky, in one of those aircraift carriers, but instead of being on water you were here. You really couldn´t decide what about this whole night amazed you more. The woman laughed discretely at your amazement and then asked you to follow her inside, which you did of course. As you were walking into what seemed a maze once inside the aircraft, she introduced herself, you learned that her name is Natasha, then you introduced yourself and shook hands with her. You couldn´t deny you were a bit relieved that she wasn´t mad after you didn´t answer her question before, or maybe she was just good at hiding things. 
Natasha doesn't lead you much further into the aircraft, just enough and she asks you to sit in this sort of waiting room , and you decide to obey her and wait for as long as you need to. You used this time to calm your nerves a bit and breathe calmly through your anxiety before it made you act up. Not even half an hour later she came back and lead you into this place where there's a lot of people in many computers, one computer per person almost, and there also is this big table and there where the two guys who fought Loki, Thor, and a couple of more people. They introduced themselves, Nick Fury, the one who is in control of the whole thing, Dr.Bruce Banner, a brilliant scientist they hired to find the tesseract, Mr.Blue Suits name is Steve Rogers but they call him Capitain America, and the guy in the metal suit is Tony Stark, some billionare also known as Iron Man. There was also Friday, the one who worked the closest to Nick Fury.
Apparently Steve and Tony already told Fury why they took you in, since he didn't ask you a thing about it.
—So...I suppose you might know why we brought you here— Nick told you and finished the sentence by saying your last name, and offering you a seat at the table, which you accepted.
That of course did surprise you and beyond that, you even checked discretely if you had your wallet and phone with you, and it was like so, which left you more confused, you had everything with you, how could they even know your name? Also, if they already knew your name, is it possible that they might have already found out that any of your identities existed just a year ago? Could that little information bring you any more problems?
—Well...maybe because I was seen barely interacting with your...um...prisoner— you replied, trying your very best to hide your worries, acting as natural as you could. This was specially hard since all the anxiety was becoming more evident, since you could feel it all over your body, almost screaming to get out in any way possible.
—Exactly...now, would you be so kind to tell us your conection with our “prisoner”— he said calmly even though his tone sounded a bit more demanding.
Thor was there, so it would be useless to lie even a little bit, you look at him and let out a sigh, he looks at you expectantly.
—I met him many years ago, and we were basically friends, one day he had this plan and I agreed to help him out, but then it all went wrong and he disappeared. I was punished, banished and sent here. But I can tell you that I haven´t seen him until now, I even thought he was a dead man— you explain quite shortly and enough just to maybe prove your innocence in this case at least. You avoid all eye contact with everyone, even though you are very curious to see their faces and try to decipher what they might be thinking. However you were able to catch Thor nodding at Fury with your peripheral view.
—And how come you were there and at the moment of his attack?— Fury spat.
You did your best to look at him at the face, so he could see better your honesty.
—That was just a coincidence, I just wanted to visit that place after I heard about it, and went for a really long walk and look around...believe me, if I´d known he´d be there, I wouldn´t even had gone in the first place— you said with a little white lie, you perfectly know that if you´d known he´d be there, you would´ve arrived really early just in case, not even caring what his purpose was in that place.
Your “interviewer” sighed heavily and kept whatever thoughts and opinions he had to himself
—Now that I'm stuck in here and all because of that guy you probably got locked up somewhere in this huge flying thing, could I please know what the hell did he do this time in order to be pursued like a criminal again?— you asked now, sounding a bit frustrated, feeling which you really weren't faking at all.
Natasha approached you and cleared her throat —Some days ago he stole a very important atrifact, and he's been committing various crime since his recent appereance on Earth— she answered
—That Tesseract thing, right?— you asked, remembering when it was mentioned earlier
—Yes...what do you know about it?— she replied, expecting you might have more answers toward what Loki could be planning to really do with it.
—Nothing, I just heard your partners mention it earlier, so I just figured it might be that. By the way, what is so special about it? Since Loki's so obsessed with it to the point he's given you all these problems...— you said as your anxiety and overwhelming nerves were leaving you and being repleaced by curiosity and intrigue
Natasha looked at Fury, and he stard back at her. —We don't know for sure, we had it so we could study it, but before Loki stole it, we barely have an idea of what it may contain— Nick answered as he slowly stared at you
You let another long sigh escape your lips. —So that´s it huh. So what now? How am I getting back home any time soon?— you ask, knowing that they might also want something from you, so you give them this easier opportunity to ask you what they want you to do and ge things done faster, after all it might be a better chance for you as well, into knowing with more detail what´s going on and why.
The team just looked at eachother and discretely stared at their apparent boss. They knew the risks of what they planned, they talked about it before they let you in and interview you, and some of them opposed to the plan, but these are desperate times and they need to do everything possible. —Well, we were hoping you coud cooperate with us and maybe have a little chat with Loki, maybe he´d say something useful to you— Nick said, so straightforward, just as necessary.
It was exactly what you had predicted, and you really wanted to do so, but you pretended to dwell on your thoughts, like if you were really thinking it through, and even slightly acted life if you were mentally preparing, so you didn´t seem so suspicious to them, even if you have no bad intentions and really want to help them out, specially for the possible outcome that could benefit you.
—I..okay, I´ll do it. Just don´t expect much— you say after a couple of moments. —Let´s just do this as quickly as possible, okay?— you add, acting tense and anxious, when in reality you were just anticipant and a bit nervous. They agreed and Natasha immediately led you to where he was at, while telling you to just have an almost normal conversation with him, and to mention about his intentions with the Tesseract and on Earth like if it was more than normal for you to talk about those subjects. You agreed to all, even though you had no idea how you were going to start a conversation with him. 
You didn´t know how long it would take you both to get there, but the more you walked towards him, the more nervous you got, flashbacks of all those nice and even cute moments you spent with him attacked your mind, all those times he made you laugh and some of the light pranks he did on you, but those memories that made your heart flutter where ruined by your last memory about him, how you waited for him but never came, how he´d left you to never even let you know if he was alive or not. That bitterness suddenly filled your mind, almost taking control over you, thankfuly Natasha interrupted you accidentally —He´s in there, I´ll open the door for you but I won´t come in with you, good luck— she said with a little smirk. You thanked for leading you and all, though in your mind you also thanked her for stopping that poisonous train of thought.
As you enter he was already facing the door, like if he was expecting for someone to give him a little visit, specially you.
—Well well...look who's here. Did you miss me?— he teased with an annoying smirk on his face
—Well well...look who's here. Did your plans fail again?— You replied, immitating his smile and his cocky tone
—Funny...— Loki responds, faking and overacting as of he was hurt by your words, still teasing you. —So tell me old friend, what brings you here with me?— he asks even though he suspects the reasons of your visit
—Well...you did kinda got me into this little problem of yours, so naturally I want a chat with you, and y'know, probably even explain a couple things to me. So I hope this dead man can at least say something valuable to me...— the bitterness in your voice made your words feel like poison.
You could see a hint of surprise in his eyes, but Loki being Loki immediately masked his true emotions, and these became a mistery to you.
It seems like he even enjoys listening how your words come out and how your voice just accompanies the feeling these already have, how the resentment fills your eyes, resentment which he very well knows he provoked and caused. Thankfully yet unfortunatley this is not the first time he acts this way in these types of situations, after all it's Loki we're talking about for crying out loud, but in the end it's thanks to this that now you have at least a bit of experience to know more or less how to act and what to say to get something useful out of the concersation. It is impossible to trick the master trickster, but at least you've got to try.
It took quite a lot out of you to calm yourself and put reason and strategy before emotion. Meanwhile the mischievous God rejoices in your reactions and on how difficult it is for you to keep it together.
—So is the dead guy gonna tell me something? Or is he really dead?— you sighed while you walked even closer towards his cage
—What would you like me to say, darling? Do you want that owed explination of why, oh why wasn't I there and just left without leaving any trace nor clue if I was even alive?— he said with the hint of mock on his voice, exaggerating his tone in those last words.
«Gee...he really is the worst huh»
—Actually no, I don't care. I just want to know why did you have to come back and spoil such a pretty day, why did you have to come and cause more chaos in an already very, very chaotic world— you spilled, even though you lied a bit at the beginning, but your performance was pretty credible, even for him, which is almost a miracle.
—I see, however I do have to mention, it was not my intention to ruin your day not to trouble you again— he said with an honesty that seemed unreal —Our paths crossed by accident and coincidence. And also, might I add it was you who intervened by walking towards my scene and interacted with me by asking me to stop...— he continued, and got silent but that silence meant that he was asking you soemehow to realize that you also have to take responsability of your participation in the situation that got you here
—Oh so you're telling me that it's my fault, huh, instead of yours!— you reply outraged and in disbelief
—Oh come on, don't balme all of this fully on me, you're no victim of mine— he tries to correct you, and finishes that sentence with your name, your name lingering a bit on his tongue.
There was something about his voice and how he said your name, almost dragging it as he pronounced it, like enjoying calling it, it made you feel a shiver travel through your spine, as well as you felt your face a little bit hotter. This reaction took you by surprise but you hid this part at least and as best as you could
Clearing your throat as if it'd help you get rid of that first sensation, you continued —What is that supposed to mean?—
—Exactly what I said, darling. You have as much responsibility as I do, you ended here, back to me, because of how you acted. As well as the part of "destiny" that made us encounter— he answers, enjoying strangely of this big truth, not hiding his pleasure. He was as closest as possible to you, his body almost touching the glass that kept you phisically apart from him.
«Holy shit...he's right. Well fuck me! Why did I fucking have to intervene?! That was so goddam dumb, Lord! This cannot be!» you thought angrily, you always despised when he was right
—What is it? You finally give me reason, dear one?— he said playfully, knowing perfectly what he was doing, how he was making you feel
—There is nothing to give to you! Plus come on, it's not my "responsibility" nor fault that you're doing whatever you're doing here in Midgard! By the way, honestly, why are you even here? Didn't daddy want you back so you go and throw your tantrum here?— You attack, already fed up with him.
Oh he was definitely hurt, but his smile only got wider, as to not know how to react to such words, and this couldn't be more obvious. You immediately regretted it, losing control and letting your anger speak for you. You wanted to just escape to never see nor say a thing to him ever again, and you were about to, but you knew it wasn't the way, not the right thing to do, not to mention it would also hurt and the feeling of guilt would hunt you down forever and consume you eventually. No matter whay he did to you and how much his decisions hurt you, you couldn't bring yourself to hurt him that much as well, there was something inside you, a feeling, a really strong sentiment, keeping you from running away and leaving things just as they were. If he were anyone else, it'd be most likely for you to go away and not to let it bother you, but not him.
—Loki...I-...I am truly sorry for what I said, I just lost control, I didn't mean it— you said softly, getting only closer to him, as you got even more courage which no one knows where you got from to continue —Please forgive me— you said a bit louder and bowed slightly, to show him your honesty and regret
He was still hurt, but the surprise and astonishment he felt by your most recent action took over for the moment, specially because no matter how much he tried to convince himself that it was some sort of prank or joke, you were just so honest it was impossible to really believe otherwise. Never has someone asked for his forgiveness, specially after saying words as painful as those, and what made him confused whas the true feeling of regret in you, the only desire of yours to have his forgiveness and to help you through the pain you caused. His heart, mind, and habits were in conflict, fighting for what was he to say or do. Naturally he would've dismissed you and hurt you even worse in return, after all he had absolutely everything in his power to do so, and he was so about to spill all the venom in his heart to treat you like so, but in the end, and taking him by surprise, the result was different.
His hand touched the glass, which caught your attention and made you look at his face, even though you couldn't quite decipher his stare nor the look on his face. You straighten up and look at his large, pale hand on the glass and put yours right in the same place as his
—Did I teach you all that, dear one? That manner of speaking?— he said playfully, knowing and aknowledging that you acted so similarly to him when in those situations. His playfulness was accompanied by a smile somehow sweet and honest, a smile not even he knew he could ever give genuinely.
This was all knew to you but it relieved you. But since it was Loki you're facing now, you were still confused, and didn't trust your instincts enough to know how true he was being
—You may've been my friend, but you were also a teacher, Loki— you said, reciprocrating in his little game with more of the truth.
—Oh was I know?— he sighed with a scoff and faking pride
He really was, many of the things you know in towards navigation, and many ways of how to turn things your way, are thanks to him.
—Yeah you were, man, I'm not gonna lie, you did teach me some valuable things— you replied with a teasing smile. —Though, I can't deny I'm a bit confused now, in the many things you taught me, one of them was how not to get caught and all that implied doing so...so what the hell happened?— you add once you actually just analyze that the only thing that's avoiding your hands to touch is that glass, that cage that has him well locked up and almost in display like a fish in a tank.
He hunched his back a bit, trying to have his face at the same level as yours, but he still had to look slightly down at you. —You should already know the answer to that, darling...— he teased, whispering in such a low voice that it made you feel strange, but funny somehow.
You looked confused for a moment, and started thinking until the bulb light up. «Wait...this was on purpose! Wether he plans to do something from the inside of the ship, or he's waiting to get caught by a third party, or anything else, but this is no accident nor clumsiness of his!» Your analysis made your eyes open wider as you stared at his.
You both didn't say a word to eachother, he just winked as he got away from the glass and turned his back on you, standing on the center of the fish tank.
—And I guess you won't be telling me what's the reason of your glorious visit here on Midgard, huh— you said, like if trying to be indirect, but failing at it catastrophically.
—Well wouldn't you like to know. Sorry dear one, but I would like it more if you watched, I wouldn't want to spoil you the surprise.— Mr.Mischief explained as he turned his head slightly back, trying to catch a glimpse of you.
—Oh great, another surprise— you said in sarcastic cheerfulness.
You could hear his soft scoff, and see as he turned his head back straight, probably looking at nothing, just wanting to be dramatic as usual. Hinting the end of the conversation at least on his part.
You took it and sighed, wanting to talk to him more, but not admitting this to yourself. —Well, bye my dear friend, hope to swe you again soon...not— you joked in that last part and turned your back and headed to the door.
As it opened itself and then closed behind you, you saw Natasha there, as if she never left.
—You good?— she asked as she suggested you to walk next to her with a movement with her head, so you could go back.
—I really don't know...— you answer sincerely as you went to her side and let her lead you to the room you were once in.
You were recived with an expectant look from Fury, they were all waiting there, apparently they watched the whole conversation between you and their stunning prisoner.
—Okay now...all I can make out of this is that it's msot likely he wasn't caught on accident not was it any sort of mistake, so just watch out, just in case— you were pretty honest, though it did almost hit you, his stare made you remember the main reason you were there with him, even if it wasn't the important one for you.
As you walked away to look at the night sky through the huge "window" of the aircraft, Thor joined you.
—If it wasn't because that cage was in between you two, I could've sworn you both were about to kiss like a married couple that had been unexpectedly separated, and joined again for their love to continue until the end of times— said Thor almost jokingly, but the sincerety behind it is more than obvious, to the point it's brutal.
—Ha...ha...ha, very funny Thor. You know, after all this time, I thought you'd drop that old joke you've been keeping for as long as I've met your endearing brother, guess it's not like that, huh— you defended sarcastically. But the God of Thunder only replied with a genuine laugh
—Next time we'll give you the room to you both alone, don't worry, we won't peek, kido— Tony said, just joining himself without previous warning.
These words made you blush to the point it made your face burn., but of course you did your best not to give yourself away wuth your facial expressions nor your body language. But just the thought of him kissing you made your heart flutter and made you feel butterflies in your stomach.
«Oh come on! Don't think about such things!! After all that has happened, he ain't even really your friend anymore!! No more ridiculous fantasies!» you scolded yourself, denying yourself the permission to think about what you truly desired, and without knowing, what Loki desperately needed and wanted as well.
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RWBY Grimm Guardians Arc 4: Re-Bonding In Mistral Ch 10
Welcome back to Re-Bonding In Mistral! Here is part 2, the Vol 6 chapters!
In this chapter and chapters 11 and 12, we focus on the first half of the volume. This chapter will focus on the departure in V6 episode 1.
Disclaimer: Still own nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Train station in Northern Amina….)
Ultimately, although reluctant, the group agreed to continue their journey for now. They ended up back in Anima, preparing to board a train destined for Argus. Blake promised her parents to call as often as she could, while Summer talked to Taiyang.
Summer managed to apologize for her outburst, but the group left before Taiyang could say anything about it….
The former STRQ leader wondered if he even believed her….or if he too was scared of the potential reaction from her….
Eventually, the group prepared to board the train, talking amongst each other as they did so.
“You better head with your team to Vacuo.” Gambol told Sun. “They’re going to need you….” The blonde young man nodded, lowering his head, “I expect them to be a little pissed.” “If not worse….” He added remorsefully. Blake nodded, before saying, “Perhaps they will, but they will still need your help. Alright?”
“I know you’re a good person. You need to prove it to them.” The cat faunus explained. “Otherwise. They may indeed truly hate you. You proved it to us and our parents. Do the same for your team.”
Sun nodded, before looking to his right and donning a firm expression, “I think a certain chameleon faunus wants to see you.” Blake and Gambol raised an eyebrow, before the taller of the two sniffed the air. Growling, she immediately walked in the direction Sun was looking, before effortlessly bringing Ilia over to Blake and the blonde.
Blake gave an unamused expression, “Is there something you would like to tell us?” Ilia gave a small nod, before looking down remorsefully, “I….would like to formally apologize to you three….” “I….realized that I was indeed acting no better than Adam….” She explained. “That I was hurting you just like he did….”
“That I was no better than what humans keep calling us….” The brunette said. “I’m so sorry, Blake….” The cat faunus looked at Ilia firmly, before giving a sigh, “I would like to believe that…. And I have an idea….”
“Talk to my parents. Now.” Blake said. “Because, believe it or not, they could use your help. They could also put you back on the right path.” She then took a breath, saying, “I WANT to believe that you’re sorry….but you need HELP. Do you understand….?”
Ilia gave a small nod, “I do.”
After a few moments, Blake joined her friends on the train, bidding farewell to Sun and Ilia. “Do you forgive her?” Gambol asked. Her sister sighed, “I WANT to…. But she’s gotta prove herself first….”
“I’m not going to just believe everything is going to return to normal.” She explained. The panther faunus nodded, “That’s reasonable. I’m sure our parents and friends would do the same.”
Blake nodded with a small smile, “Yeah, they would….” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (On the train….)
Ultimately, Gambol and Ember had decided to rest for the time being, while everyone else was spending the trip talking and resting.
Ruby sat down next to Yang, while Weiss sat across from her with Blake. Yang hummed as her sister rested her head against the blonde’s shoulder, “Tired?” The red cloaked teenager gave a nod, before groaning, “Things could’ve gone better at home….”
“Perhaps…. Though your family’s made it clear that they have a….complicated history….” Weiss said hesitantly. The blonde nodded with a sigh, “That’s an understatement…. Believe me, we knew that from the beginning….”
“I can understand Dad’s anger….but he needs to understand that Bird-mom’s CHANGED….” Yang explained. Blake nodded, “Certainly seems like it. She’s quite different from what your uncle and dad said….”
“I don’t think….I’ve seen your mother that furious….” Weiss explained with a concerned expression.
A silence settled on the four girls, before Ruby sighed, “Look. We all have problems that….need to be sorted out….”
She then pointed at her mothers, “Those two, like us, know that better than anyone. And they’re trying to be better.” “I know none of us were expecting it….but Alpha-mom is….frustrated….” Ruby added.
Weiss raised an eyebrow, “With?” Blake blinked a couple times, before giving a knowing nod, “Miss Summer wants the family to be whole again, doesn’t she?” Yang nodded, before saying, “Ever since Bird-mom left, that’s all she was trying to do….”
“Making sure that the family didn’t collapse…. Trying to heal the family….” The blonde added.
The heiress tilted her head, “Do you two think she’ll succeed….?”
Ruby and Yang blinked….before looking at their mothers, at each other, before facing Blake and Weiss again….
And with a firm nod, they said in unison, “Yes. As long as it’s with the help of others.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At another table, team JNPR were talking amongst each other.
“You all were busy while I was gone.” Pyrrha said with a sad expression. “And certainly not in a good way….” Ren shook his head, “The Fall of Beacon has caused the whole world to unravel into chaos again….” The redhead nodded, before asking, “How long has it been since then?”
“Several months…. It’ll be a year since then soon.” Jaune explained. “And some of us haven’t been taking this too well….” Pyrrha nodded with a sigh. She knew that very well. Summer’s outburst during their visit to Ruby and Yang’s house made that very clear. As well as her stern words towards Ozma….
She really wondered how badly the tallest of the group wanted to stop this journey….
“I feel like I can agree with where Ms. Summer is coming from….” Pyrrha explained. “She loves so much….and she can’t let what and who she loves be taken away from her….” Nora raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean….?” The armored teenager took a deep breath, before saying, “It seems like she has lost a lot of things and people she loved….”
The redhead then lowered her head, “No wonder she hates this idea. Of us going on this journey.”
She then looked at the currently sleeping Oscar, before saying, “If we’re seriously having a child coming along with us….then I think I would support Ms. Summer if she decides to end this journey now.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Qrow was keeping an eye on his sister and leader.
“You know you don’t have to keep an eye on them constantly.” Willow explained in a whisper. “I’m also here for them. As is your old headmaster.” Qrow looked over his shoulder, looking at the former heiress and Evergreen behind her, before sighing.
He then sat down, admitting, “A part of me is worried Raven might leave again….” “She won’t.” The former headmaster explained. “Not with Summer by her side.” Qrow raised an eyebrow, “How can you be so sure, Oz….?”
“Because she wouldn’t have come along with us in the first place if she thought about leaving.” Evergreen explained. “I think you should be more worried about Summer leaving.”
Qrow raised an eyebrow in confusion, before Willow chimed in, “Summer knows firsthand how dangerous Salem is…. Of course, she doesn’t want to get her family and friends involved.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “How are you feeling about this….?” Raven asked. Summer sighed, “I don’t know…. A part of me is regretting all of this.” “And yet, a part of me thinks that we should bring the relic with us….” She explained, lowering her head to where it connected with the table. “I hate all of this….”
The former tribe leader rubbed her former team leader’s back, noticing that her brother, the two teams, Oscar, and the Weapon Spirits were all looking at them. Raven put her finger to her lips with a firm expression, silently telling them to not make a sound. “Summer…. If you think this is a bad idea, tell us.” She explained.
“If you think this will only do more harm, say the word and we’ll stop this.” Raven said. Summer sighed, before saying, “Let’s wait until I know more about myself. Frankly, I don’t know what the past me would do either….” She then sat up, before noticing a blue clad elderly woman out of the corner of her eye, sitting at another table.
Summer’s blood ran cold….before immediately boiling bitterly.
“Excuse me.” The former STRQ leader said, standing and walking over the woman. The elder woman looked up at Summer, asking, “Pardon, do I know you?” “Yes, but not like this. I’ve changed, of course.” Summer explained. “Much like you have, Maria….or rather, GODMOTHER….”
Raven and Qrow looked at the two women in shock….
THAT was the same Maria they met during Beacon….?
Maria perked up from the taller woman’s words, before asking in shock, “Summer? Is that really you….!?”
The former STRQ leader nodded, before asking, “Where were you all this time….?” “Since Yang was born, you haven’t visited at all….” She explained. The elder woman nodded with a sigh, before Summer said, “You are a retired huntress….! What have you been doing that prevented you from visiting family?”
Maria opened her mouth to speak, only to find that she had no answer….
She didn’t have a reason….
The silence was more than enough for Summer to know that Mari had no reason….
“And you wonder why I’m usually bitter towards you….” The former STRQ leader said with a stern gaze. She then looked at her family and friends, noticing the awkwardness in the air. Summer then sighed, before telling her godmother, “I suggest you meet my friends and daughters.”
“Life might not be able to grant you this chance again.” She explained. “Believe me, I know that for certain, given that I died.”
Those words were like a double-edged dagger, before Maria nodded, “I understand….” and stood to meet her goddaughter’s family and friends. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And that’s it. I’m sorry if this wasn’t my best, but I tried, given my current mindset…
Yeah, Blake is giving Ilia a CHANCE. She’s still going to be a little bitter, but she’s going to give Ilia a chance to make up for her actions.
Hope you enjoyed this!
Next, we skip ahead to where the group meets….two VERY special guests~.
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77747589347592345 · 2 months
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I have a lot of negative thoughts and feelings about men due to the patriarchy. But really, I feel more negatively towards the patriarchy than towards men, or rather I'd want to. But they always act in ways that are so unhealthy. I don't want it to be a self fulfilling prophecy. Men are just idiots: true or false?
I don't think so. There are a lot of brilliant men. At least the ones that are platformed.
But it is more likely for them to act out in ways that are encouraged by society but actually harmful. It takes a really evolved man on a high frequency to really see past that stuff.
I know a few. Young men from this day and age.
No one is completely perfect. Heck knows I'm not.
Maybe I'd hate women if I were in a place where women were encouraged to be their worst versions of themselves.
I can't wait to get out of the bar life. I cant wait to be in a place that doesn't make me lose my faith in humanity and the odd one out.
OR is humanity hopeless and I'm just stuck here.
Maybe there is a freeing beauty in just knowing that the truth is, life is a meaniningless blip. It;s not a piece of shit or a miracle, it just is. Well i do feel like its a miracle. It's just not one with heroes and villians and a linear story, its about what you mean to someone who truly knows you, not to those that don;t but know your true character.
I'm not sure that I'll ever feel fully secure with myself in this world. There are times that i love life, when I'm rollerskating on a cool but warm cloudy day, wearing a bob. When obnoxious men are ignoring me. When you connect with someone who makes you feel less alone. Those are my favorite feelings. Not every moment in life is that. Some moments are like now, feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. Feeling grateful all the while. That I know life is not a dream. It is however mysterious. Painful and mysterious, and I welcome that. Sometimes I feel like a late blooming teenager. I think I'm ready to do inner teenager healing work.
What did I want to be and do when I was a teenager>?
A lonely wierdo, thats how I feel at my worst. At my best: happy and in touch with my surroundings. Maybe I wasnt meant to feel happy around people. Maybe just animals.
I don't know what my deal is, being a human is complicated.
There's no overarching narrative.
But love is a heartbeat that keeps you going.
Like a good song.
Complicated
Baroque
Why here and why now is one of my biggest existential question. Why in this time and space and life? Why am I here now? Why am I here in this moment?
Thats why I love visual art. It connects you to a different time and space, some kind of continuity. Visual art in person- in a way that you are communicating with the past, wispering secrets to the artist and the artist whispering back in a way that they have with anyone else. I only know what connection that I have with a particular art piece.
I think i was born to a visual artist so i can participate in the game of telephone with artists of the past and today.
Honestly I'm starting to dislike artists that do fanart. I don't know why and that feels superficial to say
I missed rollerskating. It gave me a way to be out and about and physical and paying attention to myself.
I loved it, then I got scared of moving vehicles
I'm hurt by the patriarchy. By the remnants, led in my system.
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teawithkpop · 3 years
Text
[M] - PhysCom - Pt 7
Tumblr media
pt 1 - pt 2 - pt 3 - bc 1 - pt 4 - pt 5 - pt 6 - pt 7
Pairing: BTS - OT7 x Reader
Rating: Mature [18+]
Length: 5.4k words
Genre: PhysCom AU - smut with dashes of angst, and a shitload of romance and complicated feelings,, uhuhu (porn with plot??)
Warnings: swearing, a lot of emotional turmoil, talk of pregnancy scares (birth control, contraceptives, etc.), implied discrimination towards sex workers (not by any of the boys dw), mentions of sexual acts
slowly hands you a cake that says "I haven't updated this fic in 14 months and I don't know when the next part is coming but here's an update thanks for being patient" in comic sans
-------
The rush to the hospital goes by in a blur of tears and shouting and panic and questions that you can't bring yourself to answer. The only constant is Min Yoongi's hand, firmly locked in your own throughout the ordeal, tethering you to reality.
You now sit in a private room on a sterile medical table and wait to be seen, too numb inside to feel the sting of the cold metal as it cuts into the backs of your thighs. Yoongi stands beside you, still holding your hand, his fingers are laced through yours and squeezing as if it could sap away the fear that eats away your insides, leaving you hollow and empty.
"It'll be alright. Don't worry about a damn thing, okay?" He shifts his weight anxiously, betraying his own underlying worries.
You barely remember him throwing his jacket over you before being rushed out of the house, and you don't feel deserving of the modest coverage. Though the leather is worn and soft against your skin, all you can feel is the harsh metallic zipper, scratching at your chest as though reminding you of your wrongdoings.
"Yoongi…" you start to say, but he cuts you off, his voice a hoarse whisper.
"Don't you fucking dare. Don't apologize."
You feel tears well up in your eyes. Your chest grows tight with the words he's forbidden you to say.
"I've already called Namjoon, it'll all be fine. Don't worry." He works his jaw and rubs your hand with surprising tenderness, glancing to the little window in the door every other second.
He's been assuring you with those same words for the past half hour, but it feels like it's been an eternity. As you glance at the clock on the wall, watching the hands tick by, you imagine a scene like that of a health documentary. Tiny sperm, swimming up your insides… fertilizing your previously dormant eggs.
Fuck. You've fucked up.
You might be pregnant with Min Yoongi's child. Your Opticon birth control implant could send you into toxic shock at any moment.
You don't see how things can get much worse than this.
The door finally opens, and what appears to be a nurse steps inside. She holds a clipboard, and examines it while she lets the door close behind her. "Let's see now, Miss..." Her shoulders slump marginally as her eyes reach your name. "Oh, right. The PhysCom."
You don't have the energy to ignore the change in her tone from friendly to disinterested, and simply nod. However, you feel Yoongi stiffen beside you.
The nurse lets out a brief sigh and dons a professional expression. "So, what appears to be the problem?" She directs the question to Yoongi.
"We think her birth control implant isn't working." Yoongi explains, his eyes darting furtively between you and the nurse. "She, um… she reached orgasm."
You flush at the memory, ashamed of your failure to adhere to even the most basic of rules set before you.
The nurse makes a noncommittal noise and jots something down. "Says here it’s an Opticon. And you didn't turn it off, sir?"
He shakes his head.
The nurse touches the end of her pen to her mouth, a note of sympathy forming in her eyes. Not for you, but for Yoongi. "How long have you had her?"
"Excuse me?" Yoongi raises an eyebrow.
The nurse tucks the clipboard under her arm, giving him a weary, patient smile. “With PhysComs, we have a list of probable scenarios we’re supposed to check for, to better inform the doctor of the situation, and speed along the treatment process.”
She barely spares you a glance before returning her attention to Yoongi, her voice lowered just a fraction. “It’s not uncommon for newly hired female PhysComs to try and… well, intentionally get pregnant from their clients. Especially if those clients have any amount of wealth or status.”
Yoongi seems lost for words.
She nods as if to agree with his surprise. “It’s some psychosis associated with the job,” she says with a shrug, then straightens her posture once more. “So has she been acting strangely at all? What are her symptoms?”
Your ears burn a bit at being talked about like you’re not in the room, but this isn’t the first time you’ve been in such a position. Oftentimes checkups during training were the same way, the physicians would speak exclusively among themselves and Madame while they examined every inch of you, inside and out.
Yoongi, however, is not used to such an experience.
“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” He says, in a voice much calmer than you would have expected. But one glance at his face tells you all you need to know. His eyes are burning like hot coals. Molten and dangerous.
The nurse doesn’t pick up on his irritation, and busily flips through the pages on her clipboard. “I need reliable information, sir. If you please,” she prompts him.
You can feel Yoongi’s hand clench around yours, and you turn to quiet him.
“It’s okay,” you murmur, hoping to reassure him enough so he’ll talk to her, but he stands his ground, his eyes glued on the nurse.
“Get out,” Yoongi says.
The nurse does a double take. “Excuse me, sir?”
“I said get the fuck out of here.” He points to the door. “Send us someone who will actually help.”
She fumes silently for a moment, but decides not to argue with him, and heads for the door in a huff.
Yoongi scoffs as you two are left alone once more. “What the fuck kind of bedside manner was that supposed to be?” He mutters, staring at the door.
“It’s okay.” You place a hand on his arm.
“No, it’s not.” He’s adamant, and you sigh wearily. How do you explain that this is only what can be expected?
You pick out a few haphazard words from the maelstrom in your brain, too tired to find the best phrasing. “Medical personnel… they don’t really get it.”
“Get what?” He asks, turning to you in outrage. “Being a fucking decent human being?”
You flinch, withdrawing your hand. You’re too tired to try and get your point across. But he notices you wilt and immediately comes closer, lowering his voice and placing both his hands on your arms. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, the edge of anger fading away to gentleness. Kindness. “What do you mean?”
You sigh, looking off to the side. You don’t deserve to have him look at you like that.
You carefully remove his hands, trying to maintain some semblance of a professional distance, even in the face of disaster. “Most hospitals don’t look favorably at PhysComs. We were given a few lectures about it in training. We use up their resources and time that could instead be given to patients who didn’t willingly put themselves at risk.”
You remember how your fellow trainees had reacted after those discussions. Many of them found the treatment to be unfair, but you yourself felt that, in a way, the medical field’s viewpoint was reasonable. Your choices are what landed you here.
“What the- what are you talking about?” He huffs, still seemingly in the dark. “You didn’t ask for this… this scare. It wasn’t your fault.” He tries to meet your eyes, but your gaze is fixed firmly to the linoleum floor.
A mirthless smile paints your lips. “But I chose this life. And these risks along with it.”
Before he can question you further, the door bursts open and Kim Namjoon enters the room, both his dress shirt and his hair are rumpled, and his eyes are frantic. “Sweetheart?” He rushes to your side and crushes you in a hug. “Are you alright?”
You hear Yoongi let out a breath of relief. “She’s okay, for the moment.”
Something about the way Namjoon holds you feels like a lamp being held against your cold skin. You’re too damp inside to light a flame yourself, but his own body warms you from the outside in the meantime. You want to let yourself enjoy it, but the memory of your unresolved questions leaves you limp in his arms, filled with nothing but misery and confusion.
He pulls back after a moment, checking you over for signs of injury. His eyes are wide with concern. “What happened? Tell me everything.”
A flare of shame rises up in you at the notion of telling Namjoon about your rule-breaking and everything that occured since this morning.
Thankfully, Yoongi seems to sense your hesitance, and he fills in most of the pieces for Namjoon. Namjoon’s expression remains stoic as Yoongi recounts what happened - you being brought home unconcious, seducing Yoongi - up until the mention of your orgasm. Namjoon’s jaw slackens slightly at this, and his eyes scan your face, searching for something.
It’s at this moment that the doctor walks in, a different nurse at his side. He’s a slightly older man, a few wrinkles creasing his brow, and a smile that appears kind until it lands on you. His face is then tinged with that same indifference that most medical professionals give you.
You wish it was your usual physician, but since this was an emergency, you didn’t have time to take the trip to your usual practice. Whatever hospital is nearest, that’s what Yoongi had told the driver.
The man turns to Namjoon, who arguably commands more presence than Yoongi, and the kindness returns. “Sorry for the delay. Busy night. From what I understand, your PhysCom has malfunctioned, is that correct?”
“Her Opticon malfunctioned, yes.” Namjoon corrects him. His diplomatic tendencies are a blessing right now. You just want to know if you’re pregnant or not. You want to know if you’re losing your job. You want to go home.
The doctor runs a few physical tests on you, feeling your breasts, peering down your throat, and examining your vaginal canal, checking for any other symptoms of malfunction from your Opticon. “All’s well so far.” He says, pulling his forefingers out of you, snapping off his gloves, and disposing of them. “May I take a look at the ComGear?”
You feel a flash of panic, waking you out of your stupor. Fuck, was it still in the group chat? You pull out the slim device, heart hammering as you check. Nope. Just settings. Thank god.
You hand it over, and then remember with a looming feeling of dread exactly why it might have been left on the settings page...
“You do so much for us, jagiya.” Taehyung keeps his hands braced on your arms, his thumb rubbing gently against your skin. “You’re always there for us. Always giving… Now it’s time for you to receive.”
“I’m sorry! It’s my fault-” Jimin’s eyes fall to your compromising position, Yoongi’s dick still out, your leaking core exposed, and claps a hand over his mouth. He looks like he might cry. “Oh no...”
The pieces fall into place, and there’s no doubt in your mind. They must have switched it off.
But why? Why, why, why…?
The doctor - you’re too frazzled to read his nametag - pulls out a pair of reading glasses and takes a look at your ComGear, poking around the device with his pointer finger. “Hm. Strange.” He squints. “The Opticon does appear to be switched off.”
Namjoon blinks. “That’s impossible.”
“I’m afraid that’s the case.” The doctor shows him the setting, the toggle very much in the off position. Namjoon takes the device and looks at it in shock.
The doctor coughs. “I know that, um… for some individuals, the temptation and the… risk associated with no protection during intercourse can be sexually arousing. It’s not the first time we’ve gotten a case like this.”
He removes his glasses, folding them back into his pocket. “However, I would remind you and anyone else who uses this one’s services that although Physical Companions may be virtually expendable, it can become quite expensive for your own sake to impregnate them on a whim, using and discarding them, what with the standard fees for breaching their contract and-”
“Thank you, Doctor.” Namjoon interrupts him, and you notice the iron grip he now has on Yoongi’s arm. Likely the only thing restraining him from throwing a punch. “We’ll be more careful.” Namjoon glances at you, confusion making a little crease between his brows. “Is there some sort of morning after pill she can take, or…?”
“I’m afraid the lingering effects of the Opticon implant render any outside hormone blockers ineffective.” The doctor says, his smile turning thin. “It’s a bit of a blessing and a curse. The hormone production and ovulation suppressant in the Opticon normally make the chance of fertilization zero percent while in use. After it’s switched off, chances are still fairly low at 30 percent, for up to 24 hours. But the chances of fertilization after taking a morning after pill are significantly lower than that, at only five percent.”
He shrugs. “We’ll just have to wait and see. Chances are, your PhysCom will be right as rain and ready to pleasure clients again in about a week.”
A week.
First a week of suspension on Namjoon’s terms… Now it’s on medical advisement.
“A week? What should we do until then?” Namjoon voices your very thoughts, Yoongi seething silently beside him.
“Well, we won’t have any results until three to five days from now.” The man clarifies. “But I highly recommend you leave the implant switched off and keep her on traditional contraceptives until we know for sure. I strongly recommend utilizing other PhysComs in the meantime, just to be safe.”
You’re finished.
The doctor hands Namjoon a paper bag, most likely containing birth control pills and condoms. “She may be somewhat volatile for the next few days. You can bring her in for another checkup in a week.”
You’re weak.
“Thank you.”
You’re numb.
-------
It was a silent car ride back to the house, and as Namjoon helps you step out of the vehicle, one hand holding yours for stability while the other rests on your lower back, you can’t help feeling utterly useless. Detached from your surroundings.
What’s the point of any of this now? There’s no way they’ll want to use you until this is resolved. You’re of no use to them as a sex toy until at least a week from now, and by then it’ll be far too late to earn their favor back.
“We need to have a meeting. Call the others into the living room.” Namjoon speaks to Yoongi in an undertone, and you feel a small ache of hope. Maybe things will work out if everyone just talks to each other.
But when you enter the house and Namjoon begins to steer you upstairs, you finally find your voice.
“No.” You resist against him, turning around at the base of the stairs. “No, I want to be part of the meeting.”
The surprise quickly fades from his face, instead turning to concern. “You need to rest."
Something about the look on his face, about being told yet again through his actions that this doesn’t concern you, it causes something inside you to snap, your apathy vanishing in the wake of this new beast beginning to rear its ugly head within you.
Your throat closes up and a scream erupts from your aching chest. "You don't know what I need!"
Namjoon matches your desperation with an infuriatingly patient look of sympathy. He approaches you, his hand outstretched, but you stagger back away from him. He smiles sadly and drops his hand. "Stay here. It's what's best for you."
What's best for you.
The words throb in your mind, like the memory of an old wound. They bounce listlessly off the walls of your grandiose prison long after Namjoon shuts the door, sealing you away again.
You don't know what comes over you as you see visions of launching yourself at the door, pounding and scratching at the wood like a wild animal.
You could just open the door and follow him downstairs. Some part of you does register that.
But you want them to hear you. You want them to hear you rip your throat raw as you exorcise your demons.
You blink and you're standing still.
You haven't moved.
Your spacious room feels stifling. Like the walls are closing in on you, suffocating you.
Silken ropes sway in the dusk, catching your eye from beyond the balcony window. Your escape route from earlier that day.
You don't think twice before stuffing a few meager belongings into the long forgotten backpack kicked beneath your bed.
You need to leave this place.
You can't stay here.
-------
It had started drizzling not long after you left the house, and even now as you sit on the damp curbside, waiting for the next bus to take you far away from this place, it strikes you as funny, in a way, that the weather is crying for you, since you can't muster any tears of your own.
It's cold and misty, a foreboding atmosphere, by all accounts. It makes you question if what you're about to do is the right call.
But you shut down the arguments in your head as quickly as they appear.
Second guessing was what had gotten you into this situation. You need to follow your instincts.
And your instincts are telling you to flee.
It won't be so bad, you try to convince yourself. After the first night on the road, you'll eventually find a new town, a new home, a new place for yourself in this fucked up world. You've done it before, you can do it again.
You're considering suitable aliases for your new persona, when you sense another person approaching, their shoes tramping through the wet grass.
You don't look up at them, hoping they'll pass by and leave you alone. But they come to a stop beside you.
You keep your gaze on the road, droplets rippling the puddled potholes.
Then the stranger goes to sit on the curb too, and you can't help but look at them.
You'd recognize those lips anywhere, even beneath a baggy hooded sweatshirt.
"It's a bit late to run errands, don't you think?" Seokjin says, pulling his sleeves down to keep out the chill as he perches beside you.
He glances at you, then looks ahead at the road, the same way you were. You return your gaze forward, too exhausted to make a run for it. Though you don't get the sense that he would chase after you, even if you tried to escape.
Maybe that's exactly why you decide to stay put, but you don't give the suspicion any more thought.
"What do you want?" You finally ask, your voice croaky from being silent for so long.
"Nothing."
"Liar," you mutter, hugging your knees to your chest. "Everyone wants something."
He chuckles. Rests back on his hands. "I guess you're right about that."
Damn right you are. You didn't study the human condition through your years of training to be fooled so easily by pretty words.
"So?" You prompt him, still staring at the dreary horizon.
He takes a moment to respond. The silence is punctuated by the distant noises of traffic, an occasional car passing by, its headlights shimmering in the mist before disappearing down the road.
“The others are all out looking for you, you know,” he says simply. “Why do you think that is?”
If it were anyone else that had run away - their manager, a friend - you know what the answer would be. Because they care about that person. But how can you believe that about yourself, when you know you can never amount to anyone with that level of importance to them?
Ironic, since you’re the person with which they can be most intimate and vulnerable.
“I’m a liability,” you reply halfheartedly.
His silence serves to confirm your suspicions. A runaway PhysCom? Far too risky for a group at their level. You could become one of those anonymous sources like you saw in the news. A firsthand account of the BTS members’ secret sexual urges. Unacceptable. Snatches of words from the NDA you signed buzz around the edges of your mind like stray flies.
But since you're no longer connected to your network, then your tracker is probably disconnected. If the bus had come just a little earlier, you might already have escaped without a trace.
“You really think that’s the only reason?” Seokjin’s voice pulls you back to the moment.
His abysmal attempt to divert from the problem gets a hollow laugh out of you.
“Any other reason has ulterior motives. It’s just business.” You check the time on your ComGear. The bus should be here any minute. “I’m leaving, and I won’t let you stop me.”
“I don’t intend to,” he agrees, to your surprise. “God knows you’ve been put through enough.” He then leans forward, resting his forearms across his legs. “But for what it’s worth, you deserve to know the truth.”
Your ears perk up at this.
Seokjin seems to take your silence as permission to continue. “The reason we decided to suspend you. It wasn’t… entirely selfless.”
You purse your lips in irritation and fix your gaze upon the horizon, settling your chin beneath your crossed arms. “Right. Ulterior motives, like I said.”
He clicks his tongue. “Touche.”
You wait for him to continue, but he doesn't.
Your curiosity gets the better of you.
“So, what… were you planning to replace me?” You ask, trying to sound contemptuous. “I heard you all having your little group meeting in the kitchen. There are plenty of shiny new whores at your disposal, take your pick.”
He still makes no noise.
You wait, preparing to accept a bitter confirmation of all your fears.
But then he finds his voice. “We could never replace you, dear.”
You stop. Look over at him. His eyes are half lidded, his smile bittersweet as he stares off into the distance. After a few moments, he fishes around in his pocket and pulls something out, then hands it to you.
His smartphone.
“Here,” he murmurs, sympathy in the quirk of his lips. “In case you need to call anyone. Those devices they give you don’t have a cell plan, I assume.”
He seems to sense your wariness, and waves the phone a bit in a gesture of insistence. “I can buy a dozen new ones. It’s no trouble.”
You very hesitantly take it. “Thanks.”
Of course, he has no way to know that your ComGear is now jailbroken, for all intents and purposes. But… is this a trap? What if there’s a tracker in the phone? But why would he need to put a tracker in it if he doesn’t know your ComGear is off the grid?
The rumble of an approaching motor pulls you out of your cyclical thoughts, and you get on your feet, slowly coming out of your dissociative sulk.
But you still feel numb. Nothing matters anymore.
Nothing at all.
Jin gets up along with you, slipping his hands into his hoodie pocket. “Stay safe, alright?”
You give a brief nod of acknowledgment, only half in his direction as you shrug your bag onto your shoulder more securely. The hydraulics of the bus screech as the vehicle comes to a stop and lowers slightly, allowing you to step onboard.
You glance back, fully expecting Jin to stop you. But he doesn’t. He blinks raindrops out of his eyes while you board, and gives you a small smile once the doors close behind you. He lifts a hand in farewell, then turns and starts to walk away down the street.
He’s really letting you go.
You pay your fare and find a seat towards the back of the nearly empty bus. Rain pelts at the windows, picking up in earnest, and it feels like yet another layer, another barrier, separating yourself and creating an ever-growing chasm from the life you knew up until yesterday.
You pull out Jin’s phone, staring at the dark screen and wiping away stray raindrops from the surface with your sleeve. Why had he come to find you, if not to stop you?
“But for what it’s worth, you deserve to know the truth.”
Maybe he felt guilty. Or remorseful for the hell you’ve been put through recently. You would normally have felt immense satisfaction at such a thought.
But you can’t feel much of anything right now.
You don’t think you’ll be able to feel properly again. At least not for a long, long time…
Hm? The screen lit up. You must have pressed a button by accident. You swipe at it again, and to your surprise it unlocks. Who doesn’t put a passcode on their phone?
Is it possible… he disabled it before he gave it to you? Maybe. Whatever. You’re so tired of thinking, playing investigator and second guessing people’s motivations.
You scroll over to the phone icon, and tap on it, briefly considering calling your parents. But the wetness on your fingers messes with the touchscreen and you open the messages app instead.
You’re about to wipe the screen and try again, but… the most recent messages are… all about you. You tap on the group chat among the seven of them, currently bustling with activity.
[ Kim Namjoon ]: has anyone found her [ Park Jimin ]: hyung I’m so sorry [ Park Jimin ]: it’s all my fault [ Min Yoongi ]: she’s not at the studio [ Kim Namjoon ]: we’ll talk about it later Jimin [ Kim Namjoon ]: everyone keep looking [Jeon Jungkook]: manager said they can call her network to track her down [Kim Taehyung ]: should we do that? [ Jung Hoseok ]: no! she could get in trouble :( [ Min Yoongi ]: she’s not a stray pet [ Kim Namjoon ]: exactly [ Kim Namjoon ]: we need to keep this quiet for her sake [Kim Taehyung ]: she hasn’t replied to my texts or calls [ Min Yoongi ]: me neither [Jeon Jungkook]: hyung... will she be okay? [ Kim Namjoon ]: everything will be fine don’t worry [ Kim Namjoon ]: we’re going to fix this somehow [ Min Yoongi ]: whatever it takes [ Jung Hoseok ]: where could she have gone... [ Park Jimin ]: what if she doesn’t come back?
You scroll further up, past days and weeks and months of texts between them… not even a day between mentions of you. Wondering if you’re alright. Hoping you’ve eaten enough. Wanting to do more with you.
The thread of texts Jimin sent to Seokjin just yesterday.
Hyung I wish things were different I want to hold her I want to tell her she’s enough I wish I could kiss her… I think I love her Do you ever feel that way?
And Seokjin’s reply.
I do I know just what you mean Why do you think I turned those secondaries away last night, hm? No one can compare She really is special…
He didn’t… fuck the secondaries? After you broke at dinner, he… didn’t...?
You switch to his thread with Namjoon from a few days ago.
I know you’re our leader but I don’t think this is the way to go You need to be more cautious
Namjoon’s reply.
What we need is action, hyung If we work together on this, we could get rid of these unnecessary rules We could all have what we want Including her It’s what’s best for everyone
Seokjin took several minutes to reply.
You’re going to lose her.
Jin knew. He tried to talk Namjoon out of writing that stupid essay, or maybe it was about your suspension.
Either way, he defended you.
You open his thread with Hoseok. Dimly, you recognize that you shouldn’t be snooping, but you’re too absorbed to stop.
Hyung, I think she really wants this All of us ♡ I don’t know how, but we need to show her that it’s okay That we want it just as much
How do you know that’s what she wants?
I can’t say ♡ But I know now She wouldn’t reject us Our feelings She feels something too
The date and time lines up with this morning. The morning after he made love to you.
He didn’t tell them. He kept your secret.
“Our feelings”? What does he mean? Him, Jimin, Taehyung… Seokjin? Do they all…?
Your head spins, the hollowness of your heart filling with a rush of jumbled emotions, like a tide crashing in. All your numbness is washed out with light, just a pinprick at first, that grows rapidly into a ray of warmth as you consider what all this could mean. The chasm starts to narrow, and you get the urge to jump ship, to turn back and figure this shit out. To know once and for all what they want from you. What you mean to them.
But how can you trust this isn’t a trap? How can you be sure?
The answer is as simple as they come.
You can’t.
You can’t be absolutely certain that their intentions are pure… that this is the right thing to do… that you won’t be hurt again.
But maybe... trust isn’t about being infallible. Being right. Being sure.
Maybe it’s built on what ifs. On trying again, even with no guarantees.
Guarantees are only as good as their word, and talk is cheap. Lies are easy. Your Opticon had a 100% guarantee, and look where that got you.
But you remember the way Hoseok held you that night, and made love to you like you’ve never felt in your life... When Jimin kissed his way down your body, with only the best of intentions. Namjoon’s strong arms embracing you when you felt powerless. Yoongi’s hand never leaving yours, even while you waited in the hospital. Jungkook carrying you home after you fainted, breaking your door to make sure you were safe in bed. The look in Taehyung’s eyes when he finally kissed you, breaking the ice you’d been growing around your heart.
How Seokjin let you go.
Maybe...
You get up with a start, rush to the front of the bus, and hastily ask the driver to let you off, much to the old man’s disgruntlement, but the moment the doors whoosh open, you take off at a run.
You want to go home.
You want to try again.
No matter how much you try to bury it, to forget the way they make you feel, you care about them. All of them. On a much deeper level than that of a PhysCom and client. And it scares you.
But you’re done running from fear. From uncertainty.
Now you’re running towards it willingly, as you give chase down the torrential streets, searching for that familiar hooded figure and hoping you’re not too late. You’re embracing the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty, the paranoia... letting their shadowy claws sink into you until they can’t hurt you anymore. Until they fade away, cowering under the glow of your determination.
You’re setting some new rules for yourself, no longer letting fear control your thoughts and actions, barring you from any chance of happiness.
You see Seokjin in the distance, trudging home through the pouring rain. You run faster.
You’re fucking terrified. But you’ve never felt so free in your life.
“Jin!” You shout to get his attention, still a block away. He turns around, and shakes his head, seemingly confused, but a smile starts to appear. You smile too.
Finally, you catch up to him, and without warning, you throw your arms around his shoulders. Damn, he’s always taller than you remember.
He laughs, shocked by your change of heart. “What are you doing?”
“I want to hear you say it.” You reply, looking up at him as rain dashes down your face. You don’t know when you started crying, but you’re grateful to the weather for masking your tears.
“Say what?” He asks, his hands resting on your waist to support you. Thunder rumbles in the distance, rain sliding down his perfect face.
“How you feel about me.” You reply, studying his eyes. “Be honest.”
He seems to sense the gravity in your words. He holds you closer. His eyes soften.
“I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
For the first time since all of this started, you sense no deception in his words, no double meaning, no hidden agenda.
Because you aren’t searching for reasons to doubt this time.
You’re searching for reasons to trust, and you find them.
You want to kiss him. So you do.
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blzzrdstryr · 3 years
Text
Reveries of turmoil
Yandere!Childe x fatui!reader
[Previous chapter]
Just as you predicted that short and stifled conversation was a portent of future changes. Childe stopped trying to talk to you outside the business, he even avoided your eyes in those rare moments when you looked at him first. Normally obnoxious and persistent Harbinger seemed to deflate in your presence, as his swaggering and blustering attitude disappeared within mere moments.
You would be overjoyed for this turn of events, if you didn’t have any experience of dealing with and tolerating Tartaglia. Childe, as you already established, is a chaos personified, an erratic whirlwind that twists and ruins everything in its way wrapped in human skin and caged by human bones. It wouldn’t be a surprise if some nasty complications arose out of this faux armistice and sneaked upon your unsuspecting self.
Ajax wont do anything drastic, you reassure yourself - the Rite of Descension gets closer and closer with each passing day, he just can't afford to fail this, meaning that he will have to keep you on-field. It would be logical to do so, let you work, but logical sometimes means predictable and nothing about Ajax is predictable.
Fortunately he continued to keep this strange distance as days passed. Was your little episode and words you said to him enough to stop him in his pursuit? Maybe it truly hurt him, maybe it made him see how miserable he was making you, maybe his obsession with you ceased to exist, it’s flames fizzling and going out just as fast as they ignited. You doubt all of it, yet continue to hope for the better, despite the evidence of the opposite shoved in your face.
Ajax will never let go of you, not in the way you want. He killed and tortured people right before your eyes, sometimes had you assist him in doing so. Most of the time this was done in Tsaritsa’s name, for the future of Snezhnaya and her people, just another working assignment regardless of the blood curdling screams and alien agony.
However, in some rare cases the torment of others isn’t something that is totally impersonal to you, sometimes you’re the main cause. Childe is possessive, terribly so. He watches over you like a dragon guarding his gold, scaring away other possible admirers. And if his title and reputation wasn’t enough to keep away whatever poor sod who decided to tempt the dragon, well, other way more grim methods were used.
You never personally witnessed these kinds of torture, but you heard rumours and sometimes saw the bodies after, images that keep reappearing in your nightmares. Maybe this lull is nothing but a quiet before the storm, a short breather after he commits some unforgettable atrocity again.
He personally summons you the day before the Descension. You brace yourself for incoming nonsense, except nothing comes. “Agent [Last]”, he says, his voice tense and restrained.”I need you to attend the Rite of Descension with me. You will be disguised as a civilian", and then he dismisses you, no hint of mind games he likes to play in sight.
You want to hope that he changed, you succeed and fail at the same time - this new Ajax is pleasant, he’s cold and disinterested, just like any boss should be, yet you just can’t relax and focus wholly on doing the job - it’s a privilege only those who haven’t met Tartaglia can afford.
He’s a sea, treacherous and ever changing, calm and serene in one moment, yet violent and crushing in the other.
You spend the day torn between the anxious thoughts of Tartaglia and what he might do and the preparation for upcoming ceremony - it's a once in a lifetime event, it's Tsaritsa’s will and hope, it's Ajax’s eyes focused on you. You can’t afford to fail, you have no right to do so.
Wearing a simple Snezhnayan overcoat with nothing hiding your face is surely strange after years of donning a fatui uniform. Tourists and Liyuens alike pass by, not paying you any attention. Both vision and delusion glow under the thick fabric, asking you to use them.
You walk faster.
The top of the Yujing Terrace is lit with sunlight and full of human sounds, as merchants and other workers haste to finish their tasks and join the people at the top. You look around, quickly noticing the familiar ginger - he stays half-turned to you, his eyes focused on the figure of Tianquan. You quickly avert your gaze, as if not recognizing him, and shift it towards other people - you spot two vision holders among the crowd too - an electro and geo one, and a strange person cladded in the exotic clothes with some sort of flying fairy(?) floating around.
You walk to the altar placing Liyuen flowers nearby the multiple offerings of food, wine and gold, their simple white petals contrasting against the gaudy luxury of the rest.
"Qingxin flowers?", someone suddenly says, a speck of genuine surprise evident in the phrase. Their voice is too close for your comfort - you quickly turn on the heels, alarmed by a person somehow sneaking up on you only to be met with a pair of the golden eyes.
It’s a nicely dressed Liyuen gentleman, with the air of wisdom and elegance surrounding him, an inner dignity shining from beneath, and most importantly the one you saw wearing a vision at the back of the coat. You try to look as calm as possible, despite the senses telling you otherwise - after years of service any vision holder unadorned by the Fatui colors is perceived as a threat.
“Yes, it is”, you quip back, not wanting to look suspicious: “Is this improper? Qingxin as an offering?”, you mimic a light concern - something that would be appropriate for the foreign merchant who might have offended the god of commerce.
“No, not at all”, Liyuen laughs: “just in all of my years, I have never seen anyone offer these flowers”.
“Huh”, you smile, looking at the man before you. Is he a simple liyuen you thought of him at first? He has Geo vision - the symbol of Archaic Lord’s recognition - and the way he said “all of my years” carry more weight than usual, a mark of something hidden beneath the mundane phrase.
“Something tells me, you must have attended every rite of Descension”, you continue, the starter vague and innocent enough - a perfect way to fish out more information. For some reason, his golden eyes widen a bit, it’s subtle and quick enough to go unnoticed by most people, but you’re not the most people - all Fatui agents are trained to catch even the smallest changes and educated in multiple fields, physiognomy included.
What could have caused such a reaction and why did he react the way he did? The Rite of Descension is a prominent event in the life of every Liyuen, even if it’s annual, as thousands of thousands of people traverse great distances to see their god fly down from the heavens and grace his subjects with the wisdom of countless years. You remember seeing Liyuens living in Snezhnaya consistently take a leave every year for a week, when the prominent date showed on the horizon, missing working days and no doubt a lot of nerves, only to see the archon of their homeland.
So why did that man looks so surprised?
“You’re quite perceptive, aren’t you?”, he responds, voice calm and pleasant, despite the masterfully hidden surprise: “And yes, I have always tried my best to be at every Rite to this day. Rex Lapis shares his experience with his people, so it’s an incredibly important day. And what about you? What brings a foreigner here?”, he makes a gesture at your obviously snezhnayan clothes.
“Well, I am a travelling merchant as you can see”, you raise your hands, showing him more of the coat: “Having blessing from the God of Commerce won't hurt, right?". He, again, reacts in the way you haven't anticipated, a handsome face adopting a contemplating expression for a short second.
"Rex Lapis rewards diligent people, work hard and he shall bless you too", he says with an air of wisdom around him, like an old enlightened monk passing his knowledge to the disciples surrounding him: "And you shouldn't keep your vision beneath the layers of cloth. I feel its chill just standing here, who knows what it will do to your body?".
Then he simply turns away and goes to the exit of Yujing terrace, and it’s your turn to suppress the rising agitation - how did he know, where’s he heading now?
“Wait”, you say: “why are you leaving?”
“I dedicated my whole life to my job, which consists of a collection of small and incredibly repetitive tasks, they took up most of my attention and I slowly, but surely became a creature of habit, deaf and blind outside its limited field of experience and comfort zone. Time never stops, so I decided to leave the work I’ve been entrusted with, and I want to start it by breaking my strongest habit - religiously attending every Rite of Descension”.
“Ah”, you reply, equally impressed by his speech, and feeling that you are talking about two completely different and unrelated topics: “well, good luck on that”.
More and more people flood the terrace as one of the main threats to your plans finally arrives - stern and ambitious, Ningguang looks as elegant and intimidating as ever, geo vision and the tassel attached to it, shaking with every graceful step. She throws a short glance at Tartaglia - he stands surrounded by the rest of the agents - yet her face doesn’t change even a bit, whatever hostility she may hold for your faction masterfully suppressed.
You quickly look around - tourists and citizens arrive at the last minutes and milleliths come with them. Soon, all of the exits are heavily guarded by at least four soldiers, all carrying spears and clad in armour - surely a necessary precaution, given the presence of Fatui and their Harbinger.
There are no milleliths among the crowd though, not in the on-duty uniform at least. You study the group again, this time looking for anyone with weapons, as someone lightly pushes you away - it’s that foreigner again. “I am sorry, we need to go closer”, the pixie-like creature apologizes, as it flies after the stranger, and you conclude that there are no armed people, except you, Tartaglia, milleliths, Ningguang and that strange person.
“The hour is upon us”, Tianquan starts, after looking at the bright sun above, two women around her slightly bowing down, as she invokes the power of geo. The gold glow surrounds and illuminates her whole figure, before condensing into hard rocks of the same shade. They shine and fly around her for a bit, leaving the yellow trails behind before starting to spin around the shrine in the middle of the rock table.
Soon the golden inscriptions on the shrine start to glow too, before it sends a bright orange beam into the blue sky. The crowd "Oh!"s and "Ah!"s as the clouds deform around the pillar of light.
Tension, so thick it can be tasted, descends in the waves upon the Terrace as some - carefree and ignorant - hold their breaths in excitement and anticipation, whilst the rest focus in caution - Fatui and Qingxin alike. You shift, taking out both vision and delusion out of your coat, as your eyes frantically shift between Tianquan, Tartaglia and the spiraling clouds above, your whole being ready to aid Childe in his mission.
And then something unexpected happens: a majestic dragon does descend to his people. By falling straight to the ground. Serpentine body slumps around the crushed offerings, elongated tongue escaping the confines of the maw.
A long second of absolute silence passes before Ningguang collects herself, checks the body and orders milleliths to close off all the exits, as the crowd erupts into turmoil and chaos realizing what exactly has happened. You disguise amongst the panicking masses, hiding two glowing orbs in the deep pockets of your coat,before looking at Tartaglia again - he in turn intently stares at the blonde foreigner, who quite clumsily tries to sneak past the soldiers.
Milleliths catch onto that running after the stranger and you use this opportunity, turning invisible in the same second. People around you are too panicked to question your sudden disappearance or the unnaturally cold breeze swaying past them, as you make your way - Childe has already departed, chasing after the group of soldiers, and Ningguang is seen leaving too, giving the last orders, before turning to the Yuehai pavillion.
You contemplate for a second, unsure what to do - Tartaglia has ordered you to aid him in case of Qixing intervention, there was nothing about the death of your target and the glimpse into Tianquan’s actions might be a key to solving the mystery of said departure. The thing that you plan to do is opportunistic, reckless even - who would have known that Ajax will rub off onto you? You chase after Ningguang, careful to keep yourself invisible.
Who is Rex Lapis’ murderer?
She goes up to the aged man standing at the stairs of the pavilion, they exchange a couple of words before Ningguang steps up on the little floating island and it starts to levitate! You run after her, still unsure what to do - the platform is too small, Tianquan will no doubt feel the chill coming from you, but the opportunity to learn what Qixing are planning is too good to miss.
In the end, you come to compromise, jumping after the rising platform, as your hands clutch into its rough protrusions and you grit your teeth, enduring the pain and cold from the vision overuse. The little island rises higher and higher, as people and buildings underneath turn into small dots. Your fingers start to slide off a couple of times, yet you grab onto the island with a renewed strength everytime that happens, asking Tsaritsa to let fortune favour you.
The platform finally stops moving, and you pull up, once you hear her heels clicking away.
Jade chamber, as it turns out, exceeds all rumours, luxurious and opulent, shining above the prosperous city, it glows under the sunlight with a golden radiance. You would have stopped to admire it if it wasn’t for your goal. You sneak after Ningguang, following her to the office as she takes out papers and folders from the shelves. She focuses on them, as you carefully step near her, glancing at what she’s reading - it’s reports of fatui activity throughout the months, leading to this day, thankfully vague and very far from reality.
Does it mean that she also has no idea of what or who caused Rex Lapis’ death and tries to find his killer? Or does it mean that she looks for a way to deduct Fatui's next actions?
You don’t have time to contemplate, as the frost worsens and you feel cryo energy exhausting from the overuse - one more minute and you’ll become visible. You quickly walk away - you don’t have enough time to reach that platform, so you do the most logical thing - fling yourself out of the window, opening the wings of the glider halfway the jump.
You push the most of your invisibility, letting go of the cryo powers once you're only a couple of meters above the ground. In the end you find yourself tired and frozen to the very bones, slowly coming back to the Northland bank.
***
You approach the building as the Sun begins to set - its pink-orange rays dying everything in the warm glow. The bank looks glorious like that, sinking in the reddish tones, it looks like an illustration out of children’s books - a place of something miraculous, a place of something hopeful.
“Hi”, you throw to the tired Vlad and he nods, after suppressing an escaping yawn: “Is boss here?”
“Yeah”, he croaks, drowsiness evident in his speech: “came back like an hour or two ago. Can’t really remember”.
“Huh.. Well, thanks”, and with these words you enter the bank, pushing the doors and preparing yourself for the confrontation to come.
After chatting with Ekaterina and confirming that yes, he is in his office, you head for the staircase, all of the information you learned today buzzing inside your head.
Childe sits, hunched over the papers, as you enter, not paying you even the sliver of attention. For some reason he’s in a different clothes.
“Eleventh Harbinger”, you start the standard greeting, all formal and stiff: “this subordinate has finished the task”.
This finally prompts him to raise his head, cold blue eyes look at you, no hint of the usual obsessiveness in sight: "you may speak, agent" he succinctly says, putting the writing feather aside. You quickly report to him all you have seen today, without your own thoughts involved - they’re just baseless theories, after all.
“So you say, Tianquan was reading the reports about Fatui activity. Haven’t you destroyed those reports earlier?”
“Those papers contained nothing about the current situation, they were actually far from reality, I doubt that any of those reports survived the fire”.
“Seems, I’ll have to take your word for it”, a sigh, he leans closer in his seat, propping left cheek on the palm: “Why did Tianquan look at them? What was she trying to do? Pin her crime on us?”, he glances at you again, gesturing that you can speak your mind and you do.
“Highly unlikely, sir. From the short time I spent watching her and her reputation, I have an impression that Qixing Tianquan is a person who prefers to plan her every action. If she or any other Qixing higher up, were the one who murdered our target, then every needed preparation would be done months, if not even years in advance. She would somehow cast us as the killers right at the ceremony, in front of thousands of Liyuens, making us a scapegoat for public outrage and creating alibi for herself”.
“So, that’s how you think”, he hums, blue eyes deep in thought: “Your entire conclusion is based on the mere impression. With Tianquan’s ambition I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one behind this...”, a vague hand gesture: “catastrophic situation”.
“When I sneaked inside the Jade chamber, she looked very frantic, it didn’t show on her face, but her movements were harsh and quick, lacking any of her elegance. She looked like she tried to keep herself together”.
“Anyone would try to do that, especially after killing a god”, he looks somewhere to the left, no doubt imagining battling the dead archon: “Well, my conclusion isn’t based on anything solid either. We don’t know who killed Rex Lapis, but we still need to somehow obtain his gnosis”, the last part isn’t addressed directly to you, it seems that Ajax just decided to voice out his worries.
“You can go”, he says, standing up from the table. You are touching the door handle, when you hear him asking:”what’s with your hand?”. The tone is nothing like that time, yet shivers still go up your spine when you remember what happened that day.
"Frostbite, from my vision", he comes closer to you, hand outstretched to yours: “Can I?”, he asks and waits for your faint nod, before gently pulling it closer to his face.
“It’s a second degree”, he mumbles, inspecting the white-blue discolorations and small angry blisters - the skin throbs and aches at his touch, yet most of it remains numb, muffled, like sounds underwater: “You should get it treated”.
“I should”, you agree, eager to leave this room and situation: “I will ask medics for some..”
“I already discharged them”, his hand suddenly shifts, now resting atop of the door handle, his frame suddenly looming over you: “I have a medkit here, with the ointments and balms. Maybe you should stay here and let me patch you up?”
Why did you even think that Childe could change?
***
Ajax has you sitting on his chair, with sleeves rolled up to the very elbows, as he frets around you - checking the temperature, pulling the warm water closer to you and taking out needed medicine out of the kit. It’s mostly silent, except the tune he quietly hums - Childe looks peaceful and content like this, maybe he likes caring for you.
“Does it hurt?”, he takes a discolored finger, probing around the blister, as the warm hydro energy engulfs your damaged hand. The burst of sensation explodes at this action - pain, tingling, throbbing, even relief.
“Bearable”.
“Understood”, Childe gets back to his task, continuing to rewarm your hands, still humming that tune as he does so. He takes out the healing ointment, when the healthy color and warmth returns to your limbs and spreads it on the skin, bitter herbal scent filling the room in an instant.
“[First]”, he says, as he rubs the place between the index and middle fingers: “I think we need to talk. About that day and your reaction”.
“And what about it?”, you respond, too quickly and snappy for the calm-facade - the memories of that day, of what you thought he will do to you, of how he witnessed you falling apart - all of these are too much, a maelstrom of conflicted feelings rising every time your thoughts stray to this topic. He finishes applying the balm and now switches to the bandanges, wrapping treated hands in them.
“Don’t you think you treat me too harshly, [First]? I understand I may have been… unpleasant in the Past, but I thought we moved past that. What have I done to warrant such ire?”, he says it with his usual smile, but there's a tense, heavy tinge in his words. It’s subtle enough to miss, but you knew Ajax since you both were fourteen, so the strain doesn’t go unnoticed.
Everything, you want to coldly respond, but you stop yourself again - Ajax is still a Harbinger, even if he trailed your steps at the training camp like an overeager and highly murderous puppy not even a decade ago, no matter your own feelings or sentiments or even experiences he still holds that power over you, whether he realizes it or not.
“There were.. things”, broken bones, coppery scent of blood, someone else screams: “training with you wasn’t pleasant for sure”. Childe laughs at the last part, yet the tension clouding in the air doesn’t dissipate, turning more tangible instead.
“I see”, a long pause: “I want to prove you're wrong, I want to prove you that I will never do something against your will”.
You already did. You stay silent at that, anger and fury and frustration boiling underneath, burning and scorching your insides like a magma moments before the eruption. His hands finally wrap the last layer of bandage, tying the ends into a neat little bow, yet he doesn’t let your palm out of your hold, as his lips hover over it, breath burning the skin even through the fabric. And then he releases it, not doing anything.
“Good luck with that”, you finally suppress the inner storm, and stand up from the chair, quickly heading to the door. The place where he almost kissed your tingles and throbs with a renewed strength. Your cheeks burn for some reason.
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wearebothdrunk · 3 years
Text
“You will always be an exception to my rule”
Pairing: Bucky x fem!reader
Word counting: 1787
Warnings: fluff; some fight scenes. 
summary: You go on a mission with Zemo, Sam, and Bucky to Madripoor, but things don´t go as the plan. 
A/N: I tried to rewrite Madripoor´s mission but with Bucky´s girlfriend (you) on it. Hope you liked it!!! Requests are open.
*gif not mine*
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You and Bucky have been dating for four months. You and he met at one of your training sessions at the Avengers building. You were part of S.H.I.E.L.D., but you liked to break the rules too much, so most of your missions were to help Sam. You two were very close, so when you and Bucky started dating, Sam would tease you both and get very protective of you. "Y/N, Bucky has made a lot of enemies in his life, please be careful!" he would tell you.
Sam trusted Bucky, but he didn't trust his enemies.
You never gave much thought to that. You knew it wasn't his fault and that you could defend yourself.
With everything that was going on with the super soldiers, Bucky had to go on a mission to Madripoor with Zemo and Sam.
" I have to go to Madripoor tomorrow, babe" Bucky said putting your hair behind your ear.
"Okay. What time do we leave?" you said
"oh, you are not going is to dang-" you interrupted him
You gave him the look that clearly said don´t even try.
"6 AM," he said mumbling
" Okay, I'm gonna pack," you said, kissing him on the cheek.
* next day *
The four of you got out of the car, and when you looked up all you saw was a private jet right in front of you.
"Is this yours?" sam asked Zemo
"yes, now get in," Zemo said
you were still staring at the plane and smiling. You saw Bucky's eyes looking at you out of the corner of your eye. You looked at him and he smiled.
"Those sunglasses make you so hot babe," you said.  He smiled, looking down blushing, and kissed your hand.
You got on the plane. You sat in front of Bucky, Zemo in the other seat, and Sam behind you.
Zemo was explaining the details of the mission to you three. It wasn´t complicated, it was in and out, straight and fast. The only problem was being able to pretend to be someone else you never met, but you were trained for all kinds of problems, so you stayed positive.
"And you Bucky, you're going to have to bring back the person that you swear is no longer a part of you," Zemo said.
You looked confused at Zemo and then at Sam and then at Bucky. They were both silents as if accepting.
" No way! No fucking way you're going to put Bucky to do that-" you were interrupted by Bucky's comforting hand on your knees.
"It's okay," Bucky said, looking into your eyes to comfort you. You knew that he wasn't comfortable with the situation but you also knew that there wasn't much you could do. You clasped both your hands over his and he gave you a small smile. You looked at Zemo in a way that made him realize that you weren´t happy with the situation.
After three hours you finally arrived in Madripoor. Sam was the first to leave the plane, and right behind him were you and Bucky. Zemo was the last to leave the plane because he was saying goodbye to the butler.
"Shit, I forgot something! Go ahead, It'll be a minute" you said, getting back on the plane. You were alone with Zemo. You looked out the window of the plane and saw that Bucky was already inside the car with Sam.
When Zemo was going to the exit door you put your arm in front of him, blocking the exit. He looked at you confused. "Can I pass?" he asked you sarcastically. "If you do anything bad to Bucky or if you're in on one of your crazy schemes, I swear to God I will kill you the second I see you," you said, looking him right in the eye. He swallowed. "Don't worry, I won't stand in your way. Now can I leave?" you raised your arm and letting him pass.
The four of you were on your way to your destination. Meanwhile, you were already dressed for the mission and ready.
You entered through the bar. You and Bucky had to be strictly professional on this mission, there was no margin for error. The two of you could not let people realize that he was not the Winter Soldier. When you were passing the bar´s door, you felt a soft touch on the back of your hand, it was Bucky. It was killing you not to be able to look at him and tell him that everything was going to be fine and that he was safe.
After a few minutes, Zemo gave the signal for Bucky to attack. It was painful to watch. Fortunately, you were able to control yourself. When he was done, he looked at you making you feel calmer.
You went up some stairs towards a room that had a woman and 4 men. You looked around for exits in case things went wrong, but there were none. You then started to plan all the possible scenarios in your head when you were interrupted by the woman.
"A woman? In your super squad, Zemo? " she said.
"Don't worry, I'm not gonna kick your ass" you said
As you said this, two of the security guards started walking towards you, and then you heard Bucky taking a wrong step, the whole room heard. You kept looking directly into Shelby's eyes. She made a little movement with her hands to make the security guards standstill. 
She looked at Bucky and Zemo.
He fucked up the mission.
Shelby looked at Bucky rather suspiciously.
" Let's see what we have here," she said looking at Zemo and approaching Bucky. " A soldier trained by HYDRA to kill his enemies and who is controlled by a few simple words." she continued, grabbing Bucky's chin as if he weren´t a human. You felt your blood running throw your veins. She had zero right to do that.  " And to make it better, he has a metal arm.". She began to touch Bucky's metal arm. He didn't even blink. You felt your anger rising at seeing Bucky being treated like that, you just wanted to put a bullet in her head. Your fist began to close in order to control your anger. " If our deal still stands, I'm going to have to check my offer. I don't want some soldier trained for war, as you can guess, I'll have to check that this is indeed the winter soldier.". she continued.
Zemo seemed motionless and you and Sam were quite confused. You looked at Sam make him a sign that you used on your missions together. If this goes to shit, we have to step in.
She moved closer to Bucky whispering to him "kill her". Bucky looked at her but never out of character. You looked at Sam giving him the final sign. Bucky approached you, looking you straight in the eye and completely emotionless. Is this how he felt when he was the Winter Soldier? 
You looked at him a little scared, but you knew that he wouldn't hurt you. As he came closer to you the more your heart raced. 
Sam looked at the two of you so that he knew when his cue was. Bucky slowly took out his knife that was stuck in his belt. You looked at what he was doing and realized that you would have to protect him from the two security guards behind you. When he finally took the knife out of his belt, you turned around and punched the two men behind you. Sam did the same to the other two, and Bucky threw the knife towards Shelby who already had a gun in her hand. You and Sam had already taken care of the security guards.
" Let's get the fuck out of here," Sam said.
You went out to the back door because it wouldn't be long before some of the other security guards saw what was going on. As soon as you left the building you got into the car that Zemo had arranged for you to escape.
"Great plan," Zemo said ironically
" What did you want me to do?! kill her!? " Bucky said angrily
"Anything but kill Shelby!" Zemo said.
" Consider yourself lucky we didn't leave you thereafter what you put Bucky through. So shut up because we just saved your life" you said.
Zemo shut up.
You were sitting next to Bucky in the back seat. You put your hand on Bucky's thigh. "Are you okay?" you asked in a low voice. He looked at you and gave you a small smile. " Yes, don't worry.". You smiled at him and intertwined your fingers in his, leaning your head on his shoulder as he kissed you on the forehead. You spent the whole trip like that.
When you finally arrived at the hotel, the two of you went straight to the room where you were going to stay. You were super tired.
"I'm going to put on my pajamas and brush my teeth babe," you said to him
You then went to the bathroom leaving the door almost closed. When you came out you saw Bucky standing on the end of your bed with his hands clutching his head.
"Hey, Bucky, what's wrong?" you said worriedly.
"Nothing babe," he said not lifting his head.
you lowered yourself to his level. " I know you had promised yourself that you wouldn't be the winter soldier anymore. I'm sorry, maybe we should have done things differently and..."
"I don't regret saving you. I would never hurt you, not even for a mission. You will always be an exception to my rule," he said, raising his head and looking sincerely into your eyes.
You continued to look at him. You didn't know what to say. You never thought Bucky would be so sincere with you. You kept looking at him. "I love you, Buck," you finally said. It was the only thing that felt right at that moment. You just wanted him to know how much he meant to you.
"I love you too Y/N," he said.
He leaned over so that he could kiss you. You smiled.
"Shall we go to sleep?" he said
" yes, please!" you said.
You both got up. You leaned your head on his chest and hugged his waist. He pulled you into his arms and the two of you fell asleep. It felt like there was no one else in the world but the two of you.
like if you liked the story. 
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nightshade-minho · 3 years
Text
MOONSTORM [ iii ]
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You know that feeling when you know you’ve made a terrible mistake?
Yes. That feeling.
It’s a feeling that never really goes away. You had to learn that the hard way.
Irrevocable actions, stupid mistakes. You were heart-wrenchingly familiar with all of it.
To err was human apparently. You...weren’t human, though.
It seems like being superhuman was insignificant, after all. At the end of the day, nothing mattered. None of your powers did.
Despite it all, you still lost him.
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warnings: depressing shit (it gets better though dw) mentions of death, violence, sexual content, future smut
wc: 2.8k
moonstorm masterlist
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It felt like the world had lost all color.
It had happened so many months ago, and yet it still felt like it happened just yesterday. The memories of stumbling out of his lair, covered in his blood and your tears, still fresh in your mind.
The image of his face, betrayed and yet so calm as he uttered those last words to you...it haunted you constantly.
You found yourself looking at the moon every night, dreaming about what could have been. The nightmares endlessly plagued your sleep as well, causing you to fear even your own bed.
No...even after Hyunjin's effects on you wore off, your own brain took on the responsibility of torturing you by conjuring up more heartbreaking dreams. Dreams which made you long for something you knew you’d lost forever- never to be yours again.
You never truly realized how much you’d gotten used to having him around. Life was so glaringly empty and meaningless without him. It was a complicated relationship…and yet it still left a giant hole in you. An all-encompassing despair that threatened to swallow you up.
With him gone, it just didn’t feel right to be a superhero anymore. How could you be the strong role model for everyone in the city to rely on when you knew just how weak you’d become? Even when the newspapers were covered with your heroics, even as the mayor addressed the city and expressed his desire to give you a medal for stopping yet another supervillain from roaming the streets- you stubbornly refused to don that costume ever again.
You stayed hidden through it all. You just couldn’t bring yourself to go out in public anymore. Your vigilante costume lay forgotten in the back of your closet- crumpled and sad.
It just...felt wrong. At the moment you felt nothing but pathetic. You didn’t have time to waste saving a snotty kitten stuck on a tree or stop a petty criminal from robbing a bank- all you were fit to do was eat ice cream straight from the can, and watch a soulless movie. The same routine, day in and day out. You hadn’t left your apartment in nearly a month, not even to buy groceries. Every second was spent wrapped up in blankets, pondering what you’d done.
Was that selfish of you? Probably. You were discovering new flaws by the second.
Sighing, you sat up a little, your ass almost numb from how long you’d spent lying down. Glancing up, you saw your father’s portrait looking down at you. You swallowed and slowly stood up from your bed, groaning to yourself. Why did he suddenly seem so disappointed?
Maybe a little bit of fresh air is what you needed, considering you were starting to believe the paintings were changing expressions. After all, you had work to do anyway- might as well take advantage of the nearby café’s free WiFi.
***
Here at last.
You sat down in the corner of the café, so tired you could barely move a muscle. But you had to get a move on with your life- the recovery should have happened by now.
And yet here you were, months later. Nothing seemed to be able to fill the hole he left behind, and even now you wished you could go back home as soon as possible.
Had it...had it been a mistake?
Of course it had. Your misery was evidence, and you weren’t sure how much longer you could convince yourself that you’d done it for the good of the city.
The truth was... Hwang Hyunjin scared you.
He made you feel things, made you want to be someone else entirely. Every ounce of rigidity and austerity you’d imposed in yourself disappeared every time you were with him. He made you want to give everything up- give up all the responsibilities and burdens you carried on your shoulders to be with him. To be like him- free.
It wasn’t Hyunjin who was a threat to the city. No, not directly.
It was you- or rather the lack of you.
This city needed you to survive, and if Hyunjin managed to change you...it surely wouldn’t have lasted long without your help. Hyunjin had never really been the city’s biggest threat- there were far worse villains and it was them who you really fought against.
He was more of just an inconvenience, someone you had to deal with from time to time. And then he’d struck that deal- after which the nature of your relationship had turned into something entirely different.
Every time he acted up, it was usually just a ploy to get your attention. And attention was exactly what he got. You’d reinforced his behavior like an idiot.
You told yourself it was a chore, but it wasn’t all that convincing. You’d loved spending those nights in his bed, loved the way he was an expert at making you come undone with his body and his words.
It really had seemed like a good idea at the time. The right thing to do. However, it was quickly starting to seem like anything but.
You sighed as your mind tried its best not to travel back all those months. Dipping a teabag into the liquid, you mindlessly observed the customers in the cafe. Many of them were young, teenagers who were heading out before class.
You sighed as you recalled your own high school days, the times Hyunjin and you had hung out in a cafe much like this one.
“You don’t have to help me with this project, you know.”
“Ah, shush. It’s our final year. I’m not going to leave you alone.” He smiled as he flipped through his books, taking a sip of his coffee occasionally.
“You act like you’re not sticking to me like white on rice the rest of the year.” You roll your eyes, chuckling to yourself.
“Don’t get snippy with me, missy.” He smirked, still thumbing the pages nonchalantly. “Or I’ll have to punish you.”
“You- I- what?” You wouldn’t admit it, but the thought caused a fluttering sensation in more than one place. It was a little bit of a shock, considering the two of you had done nothing more than make out and flirt, until now.
“Chill. I’m kidding.” He shook his head, looking up at you. “Unless…” He wiggled his eyebrows.
“Stop it! I’m supposed to be working right now.” You whined, swatting him with a rolled up paper.
“I don’t care.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “Hm...do you know what I’m thinking of right now, Y/n?”
“W-what?”
“Thinking about how easy it would be to slip my fingers under your skirt and play with that pretty pussy of yours. I’m pretty sure it’s soaked your underwear through by now.”
Fuck.
Your cheeks flushed as you stared at your plate. You couldn’t find it in yourself to respond properly- his mere words had already turned you to a mess.
“S-shut up.” You mumbled, reading out formulas aloud as you tried to divert your attention from it. Hyunjin let out a teasing chuckle at your lame attempt to change the topic, shaking his head as he stared at his book again, unaware you were looking over your own at him, pressing your thighs together subtly.
God, he was so...so annoying.
You snapped out of it, sighing as you looked around at the much less crowded cafe. Had it always looked so dull? So lifeless?
The thought of him was hurtful- it felt like a dull knife, screwing itself into you. Reminding you what you’d done.
You’d killed the love of your life.
And now? There was no way to bring him back.
***
“Murder is never something a superhero should resort to. A good hero always stays true to themselves- they only kill if it’s absolutely necessary.”
A cough.
“But of course...villains are exempt from that rule. Killing one villain’s life could save countless others.”
Hm. You weren’t exactly sure if your father was right. Although you were just a child, you still had some knowledge of morality.
Was he? Killing just...seemed wrong. You didn’t know if you could bring yourself to do it, no matter how evil the person was.
“Surely there are other ways to neutralize someone evil, Father?”
He narrowed his eyes at you, before shaking his head coldly. “Untrue.”
“The truth is, some lives are expendable, my dear Y/n…” Another cough, before he cleared his throat and fixed his gaze back on you.
“You must always look for the greater good.”
***
You still remembered the day you first met Hyunjin.
He was 13, and you were just a little younger. Your families were good comrades and allies, so your eventual meeting had already been planned.
The two of you were in the living room with everyone else as they talked to each other, mingling and chattering like adults usually did. Hyunjin and you made an unanimous decision to sneak out to the rooftop, and get to know each other better.
“So...our parents are allies now, hm? This means we’re going to see each other a lot more.”
“Of course we are! We’re both prodigies, like my dad and your mom...we inherited their powers, so they’re obviously going to want to cultivate those.”
“You speak pretty fancy for a 12 year old.”
“Hey, so do you! Besides, we’re gifted, aren’t we?”
“Hm.” He sighed, swinging his legs and inhaling. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke up again.
“Do you actually like having these powers?”
“Oh? Well, yeah...I do...my father tells me stories of his days as a superhero. I want to help people, just like him.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d much rather live a normal life. Get a normal job, find someone to love, and have a normal marriage in a normal town.”
You pressed your lips together. “To each their own, I guess. Personally, I just want to get rid of all the evil in the world and make my father proud.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“Evil…” He tapped his chin. “How does one even know the difference between good and evil?”
You raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? I’m pretty sure it would be obvious in every situation.”
“I disagree. The distinction is blurry. No one knows for sure, and definitely not at first glance.” He sighed. “I would know.”
You brought your knees to your chest as you observed the city below. “Well, I guess you’re right…” you paused, your heart feeling a little heavy for some reason.
“Do you know?”
“The line between good and evil is thin, Y/n. I can’t say I know for sure. But do you know what will always help you remember?”
“What?”
“Your heart.” He said softly, glancing at you and offering you a small smile.
“Just do whatever feels right...trust yourself.”
***
You sighed and shut your laptop.
Home. You needed to go home, cause your heart ached too much. You definitely weren’t ready to go back to work yet. You hadn’t done anything productive today really, just drink coffee and reflect on your actions. Regretting....regretting it all.
It’d been wrong. The wrong choice, the wrong decision.
You knew that, now. There could have been another way. You shouldn’t have rushed into it like that...how could you?
You felt a surge of hatred towards yourself engulf you. It was all your fault, this pain you were feeling. You didn’t have anyone to direct this immense anger towards except yourself. You realized this little fact in horror, your heart clenching as you wished things could have been different.
Finishing off your coffee, you placed a few bills on the table as you left the café, heading home. Ready to burrow under the blankets again, wallow in your self pity and pain. There wasn’t much else to do except succumb to acceptance.
You made your way down the street, humming the saddest song you knew under your breath.
All of a sudden, you felt eyes burning into your back. Your own eyes widening slightly, you turned around quickly-
But there was no one there.
Weird. Sighing, you decided to go back to going over your plans for tonight in your mind.
Maybe watch a movie in hopes of triggering some sort of emotion in you...or maybe take a bath, light some candles and listen to depressing music- shit.
It happened again. Someone was following you- you could feel it. Uncomfortable, your breathing slowly started getting heavier as you tried to formulate some kind of plan in your head-
The next thing that happened was so sudden you barely registered it for a second.
Your hand was gripped, so tightly you felt it would bruise. Aggressive, shocking and swift as lightning- it took several seconds before you realized someone was trying to kidnap you.
“Stop! Leave me alone!”
Struggling against the person holding you, you caught a glimpse of the masked man and decided to scream, hoping to gain some attention from somebody, anybody. There was no way this was happening, not right now. Your day had already been bad enough, why was the universe so intent on rubbing salt in your wounds?!
The urge to fight had never been stronger. Yet there was no strength left in your body. You couldn’t fight back against this man- he was taller than you and somehow even matched you in strength. Unless you exposed your powers, there was no way you would get yourself out of this predicament. Somehow you managed to smack him with your arm weakly, making him hiss.
“Let me go, please!”
The coffee cup fell out of your hand, brown liquid spilling all over the ground as you were pulled into the dark alley so quickly, no one would notice. Your eyes darted about in panic, trying to work out a possible escape route when the masked man caged you in, his arms on either side of you.
A horrible sense of déjà vu enveloped you. It’s all you can do to not scream, trying to keep yourself calm so that you could escape.
It’s ok, breathe in...and concentrate.
The heat within you started to crackle, your palms beginning to burn up gradually.
Your eyes blinked as you decided to try and take a good look at the person holding you. Their head was covered with a black mask, their finger held over their mouth as they ran their eyes over your distressed expression.
Inhale. Exhale.
“What the fuck are you doing?” You hissed, staying still and pretending to give up the struggle. “Unhand me now, or you’ll regret it, trust me-“
“Shh! Y/n, please…” He shushed you, his voice shaky.
You stopped in your tracks.
Huh?
That voice…
“I’ll explain... but first we need to get out of here, fuck-” He looked from side to side quickly, scanning his surroundings.
Shit. Why does that voice sound so familiar?
“Who- who are you?!” You managed to get out, the heat fading away as deep, panicked confusion took over you instead.
There was a small sigh as your assailant stood up a little straighter, groaning. And then, his fingers deftly pulled the mask off, clutching it in his hands tightly.
Golden locks spilled out, a handsome visage coming into view. Plump lips and beautiful eyes, looking oh so familiar.
No.
No.
It couldn’t be. This wasn’t happening. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the actual fuck was going on?
It’s him.
But it can’t be.
How? It’s not possible-
You’re definitely losing your mind.
The man’s breathing got quicker as he watched your expression morph from fear into one of pure, electric shock.
“I know you’re shocked, Y/n, but please listen to-“
Your chest started heaving, quickly rising and falling as your heart pounded against your rib cage.
This...could not be happening. What was this? Was this a nightmare? Yet another sick, twisted dream? He couldn’t be standing right in front of you...it was impossible. No. No no no no no no no.
It was all too overwhelming, and your brain and body seemed to agree on that. Your mind swam, your thoughts all over the place as you felt yourself sway on your feet.
“This- I-“ You stumbled over your words, tears slipping past quickly as you tried to form words to express what you felt.
Pain. Searing pain, taking over, spreading from head to toe.
Your breathing slowed as the world suddenly went black, Hyunjin’s shouts in the background fading away...until there was nothing but silence.
Pure, unadulterated silence.
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theheartchoice · 3 years
Text
post-15.19 coda  |  dean/cas  |  dean + sam  |  1.3k  |  ao3 
"We're all set here."
Dean hums as Sam brushes his hands together in his periphery. He didn't even realise they were so close to finishing the set up. 
"Now it's just a matter of timing." 
Timing. Cas had the worst timing. Saying something like that at a time like that, leaving Dean with more questions than answers. 
"Dean?" 
"..Huh?" 
"You okay? You spaced-out, for a minute there." 
"Yeah, I'm just—" he waves a hand around, trying and failing to capture what he's feeling. 
"Look, about Jack," Sam steps closer, voice dipping to a tone that means sympathy and support, the kind that gets a work out on a case. "I know things with you two have always been kind of complicated, and I can imagine that him not bringing Cas back has only made things harder—" 
"—Woah, Sam. No. I get it—really. He's hands off, y'know? Probably for the best. Meddling was Chuck's problem, it's how everything got so screwed up in the first place." Not that he's palming all his mistakes off on bad writing, but still. Jack not intervening is a good thing, in a way. 
"Yeah, I guess. Makes you wonder if he might not condone what we're doing here, you know?" 
Dean hums again. "But you'd think if he let anyone have one more get-out-of-jail-free card it'd be Cas. Who knows, maybe Jack's rootin' for us."
"Yeah, maybe," Sam chuckles. "Don't worry. It's gonna work."
That's sort of what Dean's worried about. 
"You seem nervous."
Maybe Sam could help. 
"You sure you're okay?" 
"I just—" how does he even phrase it? "When Cas was—I mean, before he saved me, he.. said some stuff." 
"What kind of stuff?" 
"Big stuff. Deathbed confession, type-stuff." 
"Confession? What did he—" and realisation dawns on Sam, because of-fucking-course it does. "Oh."
No use hiding it now. "Yeah, 'oh'."
"So. He finally told you." 
Wait what? "What d'you mean finally?" 
"Dean." And there's so much in just that one word. "Cas has been in love with you for.. well, I don't know how long, exactly. A while, I think. Years." 
Dean's lungs empty in a rush. "Okay, see, that's the thing: he's an Angel, Sam."
"Yeah, I kinda picked up on that."
Dean sends him a bitch face but Sam just smiles. "Tha—it's a human emotion. Angels don'—they can't feel that way." Right?
"Serafina did."
"Pretty sure she and Adam from the freakin' Garden of Eden knew each other for more than a few years. More like eons." 
"Since when does time determine love?" Sam gets a look Dean remembers from when he'd talk about the past, about Jess. Probably not something he wants to bring up right now, seeing as how Eileen's right outside. 
"Cas is my best friend, but he's literally older than the world." 
"So it's an age-thing?" 
"Wh—? No!" Dean takes a deep breath, to steady himself, steady his train of thought. "I know Cas is an Angel, okay? I mean, there's the mojo, and the not-sleeping, and he saw the first fish crawl outta the ocean—the whole nine. That's not what's botherin' me." Sam waits patiently. "I know he cares. I just don't know if.." If he feels the same way I do. "If he really feels the way he thinks he does. About me, about love, an'.." Dean swallows. "Love."
For all his tact in handling witnesses during a case (people who're at their most vulnerable), Sam fucking snickers. 
Dean glares daggers; half-hurt, half not surprised because isn't that how little brothers are supposed to act? They laugh at their sibling's relationship troubles? But Sam gets it, because his face softens. 
"Dean. Maybe Angels do feel things differently from Humans. In fact, it's pretty much guaranteed. But Cas has always been different from the rest of them. And I've been here over the years, you know. I've seen it." 
"Seen what?" 
"The way he looks at you. And I never thought it was some big secret, I mean—you saw it too! And you looked at him the same way." 
"Did not!" Sam gives him that: c'mon Dean you can't fool me here face, and he let's it go. Sam's probably not wrong. 
"What did you say? After he told you."
"I.." Nothing. He told Cas—begged him not to do it that way—but everything was happening so fast, and there was a decade's worth of doubt stopping Cas' words—those three huge words—from sinking in. Even after, as everything finally hit him and he curled up on the dungeon floor and cried his freakin' eyes out, even then, even now, he still doesn't know what he would've said if he had the moment again. "There was no time."
Sam nods. "Well, now there is. You guys can talk—"
"—What if I'm right?" Sam's brow crinkles at that. "I mean, no offence Sam, but I know him better than you do. What if.. what Cas feels, is.." he trails off, unable to get the words out. 
"..Are you worried he's not in love with you, or that he is?" 
One sounds better than the other. Both sound kinda terrifying. 
Sam sighs, and it's almost pitiful.
"I don't wanna lose him." As a friend, most of all. Because if Cas misunderstood the whole love-confession thing being for non-brotherly love then Dean won't say anything, obviously, but it'll hurt. Cas will be back but things will be different—worse actually, because that whole thing with The Empty made him confront his own feelings (or stop suppressing them, at least). Cas isn't just a friend to him, and it's not familial either. But can they go back to being 'just friends' after everything? Can Dean? 
"Dean, no matter what happens you're not going to lose him. Just look at everything the two of you have already been through."
Now there's a distracting and somewhat depressing train of thought. Apocalyptic times can't tear them apart, not for good, and even death is nothing new. It would be a painful joke of cosmic proportions if the thing that actually ruins their friendship is love. 
"Do you love him?" Dean's head snaps up to meet Sam's eyes. "Are you in love with Cas?" 
Eileen returns before he can think of a way to deflect, cutting off anymore talk about it. 
She gestures to Sam and he tells Dean, "It's time. You ready?" 
Dean's not sure what he would've said but the truth is best kept for Cas' ears anyway. And Sam's right. They have time. They can talk, and hopefully they'll figure things out and where they stand with as little heartache as possible. There's no avoiding it, not now, not after everything. He nods, steeling his resolve. "Yeah. I'm ready." 
At least he knows Chuck is no longer pulling their strings and that whatever happens from here on out it really is just him and Cas. The thought never even crossed his mind that Cas' confession might be Chuck's doing. Chuck didn't care enough about him to bother, and besides: Cas was always the rebel against God's story.
Dean steps over the threshold of painted sigils, taking his place in the centre of the circle. As Sam starts chanting he feels his worry over the truth of Cas' words ebb away and hope flow in to supplant it. The phantom scar of a handprint on his shoulder from when Cas rescued from Hell seems to flare to life and brand itself back into Dean's flesh, and the only thing going through his mind is: what if Cas really is in love with me? He smiles at the thought. 
As the glowing portal tears into existence before him he remembers something else Cas said to him, back when Dean was questioning his whole reality. Cas was steadfast and sincere as ever as he held Dean's eye and told him that they were real. And for the first time Dean knows that to be true. He feels it in his very soul. 
With his hand raised he moves towards the portal and braces for some kind of inter-dimensional shift, but he's not scared. This is the right thing to do, for both of them. 
Time to grip an Angel tight and raise him from perdition. 
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cybernaght · 3 years
Text
Guardian rewatch: episode 4
While patrolling at night in civvies, Shen Wei gets caught by Zhao Yunlan and his merry band of misfits. You’d think that he would maybe quickly morph into his black-cloaked persona, because we know that the can just transform into Hei Pao Shi, magical girl style. Instead of summoning that disguise however, he dons his glasses (a very different kind of mask, but a mask nonetheless), and turns around, bracing himself for what’s to come. 
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This is going to be fun. 
(Spoilers for the future episodes)
Let’s look at the situation from Zhao Yunlan’s perspective. What does he really know about Shen Wei? The man is polite, but strangely intense. He is undeniably intelligent, both learned and perceptive, but he is also way too knowledgable on the topic of alien-mutant-demihuman/supernatural for a civilian. He also, as far as Zhao Yunlan knows, walked away unscathed from at least three fights, two of which should have definitely been lethal. He could fall off the roof, and not even look disheveled afterwards. After being connected with two cases, he has now been lurking at a different crime scene entirely. And with all that, Shen Wei is also courageous, kind, compassionate, and understanding. He pushes back when Yunlan gets into his space. I don’t think there is a single moment, not even in this, very soft, episode, when Zhao Yunlan does not know that there is more to Shen Wei than meets the eye. He just doesn’t want professor Shen to be the big bad, and thinking he might be one is making chief Zhao worried and confused. 
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Back at the SID interrogation room, Shen Wei is preparing to evade enough so that he does not have to lie too much. Thankfully, he is good at this sort of thing.
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Part 1. Zhu Hong.
Zhu Hong is the first to interrogate Shen Wei, and her approach is by the book. She is impassive, but not unfriendly. She asks reasonable questions, such as “why were you so far away from your place of work and your abode in the middle of a night?” and “aren’t you a little bit too composed in face of death and spooky things for a professor?” Those are technically right things to ask. It’s exactly what should he asked in this scenario. Shen Wei, being much more of a sly bastard than he was letting on, turns it around completely and instead of answering anything plainly, talks about the Snake Tribe, implying that Zhu Hong must be a disappointment to her people. 
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Zhu Hong storms off. Instead of being concerned, this time Zhao Yunlan is... endeared at the power move of cosmic proportions. It’s almost like he enjoys this man’s ability to use people’s weaknesses against them.
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Part 2: Chu Shuzhi
Lao Chu approached the problem of Shen Wei by trying to scare him: he brings in his brother/puppet, and pretty much ignores the man. For Shen Wei this is an easy one, which is extremely unfair. He knows Chu Shuzhi and his past, which means does not need to find an opening; he just pounces right away, commenting on how Chu’s puppet seems alive, even trying to grab at it. His willingness to exploit his knowledge of his colleague’s dark past is kind of eerie.
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“You confidence and composure remind me of someone I know”, comments Chu Shuzhi. And now, now Shen Wei purses his lips. He thinks, as do the viewers, that he must be speaking of Hei Pao Shi. But then Chu Shuzhi states that that other man is much more worthy than Shen Wei, we are to understand that he is talking is about Zhao Yunlan. Shen Wei stares at the chief through the mirrored glass, noting that whoever that person is, they must be truly righteous. 
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Lao Chu very rarely speaks highly of his chief, so it’s nice to see some of that admiration here. If you squint, his comment could even be read as protective: he is neither deaf, nor stupid, and Zhao Yunlan must talk about Shen Wei a lot. 
Part 3: Zhao Yunlan
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Zhao Yunlan does not try to intimidate, pressure, or follow any reasonable protocol. Instead, he just asks Shen Wei to be honest with him, and say whether there is a connection between him and the cases. Shen Wei startles at this, his eyes going big and vulnerable, and does, in fact, tell him the truth. Well. Sort of the truth. It’s closer to the truth than it is to a lie. It’s complicated. 
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It’s hard to say for sure whether this perfect kicked puppy expression is an act. I, for one, choose to believe that he just sometimes cannot control his face when he’s in the vicinity of the man who will become his Kunlun. 
Zhao Yunlan counts his eyelashes, and lets him go. Just like that. No surveillance, no further questions. Shen Wei is just free to leave. 
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The following day marks Guo Changcheng and Chu Shizhu being on the case together for the first time. 
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It’s not remarkable, apart from being the first very tiny step from the least likely working duo to the most important people in each other’s lives. They would not get along for a while, however. It will take time for Guo Changcheng to find resilience through his weaknesses, and for Chu Shizhu to start admiring this young man’s ability to throw himself into danger he cannot possible handle. 
As this happens, we get to meet a righteous youth which is Lin Yusen. He lost the girl he likes to the face snatcher, and is prepared to do a lot of stupid things to avenge her. He’s noble, brave, extremely reckless, and a bit of an idiot, all of which are characteristics which should actually make him very suitable for the SID. I believe Zhao Yunlan when he agrees to take the boy on board after graduation. It’s a shame that he needed to die to create a plot device. 
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Zhao Yunlan and Lin Yusen run into Shen Wei. Or rather, Shen Wei plants himself right next to SID, in order to calmly ask to tag along. He does not actually have a good reason to do so, I don’t think. It makes more sense to get involved as Hei Pao Shi than as Shen Wei, especially if he wants to keep pretending that he is a normal human. 
What Zhao Yunlan should so is keep the man he arrested the night before very far away from the case. What Zhao Yunlan does do is express vague concern for Shen Wei’s well-being, and then agree for him to join in, because, apparently, when Shen Wei is determined, there is no way to refuse him. Yunlan’s got it really really bad for this man, and it shows. He is rewarded with one of Shen Wei’s little secret smiles. 
Okay, now, can we talk about how they are literally touching as they walk by each other? 
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I thought maybe this was a forced perspective thing, but no, they walk perfectly side by side, and so close their arms are rubbing together as they do so. It’s been a very long time since I have walked with anyone closely side by side (2021 feels), but I’m pretty certain you can’t achieve this accidentally. 
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They find the victim who is not the victim, and Shen Wei is jumped by the perpetrator who is not the victim’s boyfriend, getting scratched hard enough to draw blood. Unfortunately, by the time Zhao Yunlan shows up, his skin has already repaired itself, leaving Shen Wei to pretend like the blood, crusting over what clearly used to be scratches, is not his. 
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You’d think that while spending several decades pretending to be human you would learn to not accidentally heal yourself. 
The perfect “what the hell are you?” face. 
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Instead of addressing it, Zhao Yunlan moves to shout his head off at Lin Yusen for getting involved, even though he was not the one who got attacked. I love the double standards at play. Shen Wei, in his mild, compassionate way, references the youth of his own name, reminding him to rely on other people for strength. I am sure this is a literary reference, incomprehensible to a foreign viewer; it sounds insightful and beautiful. 
As with many things, Shen Wei will learn a wrong lesson from this in the end, hyper focusing on his name, rather than remembering that going at it alone can get you killed. Shen Wei’s special power is learning, apart from when he is learning the wrong thing.*
As the two men proceed to interrogate the woman, and Zhao Yunlan figures out that the victim is not the victim via the misogyny: he does not think that a young woman could fend off an attack, or that she would be comfortable strolling around the day after. He makes his conclusions in front of slender Shen Wei, who has been attacked by things and people seemingly stronger than him and shook them off with ease. 
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The thing is, Zhao Yunlan is not an idiot, he remembers that Shen Wei should have died on him at least twice, and is staring intently at where blood should definitely be soaking Shen Wei’s jumper. He is not really letting him off the hook for this. But he must see as plainly as we do that they work well together, and he makes a clear, deliberate decision to trust the man either way. He proceeds to discuss the case with Shen Wei, who also concludes that the victim is not the victim.
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It’s lovely to see SID squad in action, staking out the perpetrators. Zhu Hong is set up as bait, with Da Qing and Chu Shuzhi having her back, and Lin Jing being their eye in the sky. There is a strange anti-yashou thing happening with the team however, which I find quite hard to understand. Lin Jing is giggling at her applying makeup, Da Qing saying that he is excited to see her pretending to be a lady. Come on now, guys, I know she is probably eating raw meet in her spare time, but she is also a beautiful, elegant young woman. I mean, look at her! 
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While the team is staking out the Undergrounder perpetrator, their boss is having a lovely evening stroll through the park with Shen Wei, talking about merits of intimate friendship. We can assume that they spent the rest of the day together.
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“Does Wei in your name have a deeper meaning?”
“It does. Someone very important gave me that name.”
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I assume Zhao Yunlan hears the same thing in this as every sane person would: “my parents gave this name to me when I was born”, as opposed to “the love of my life who looks like you, sounds like you, acts like you, and has a thing for candy, gave me this name ten thousand years ago”. So, Yunlan starts talking about his family, makes a comment that his mom would have loved Shen Wei. The conversation is quiet and honest. There is some flirting, naturally, but there is no digging and no games; just the two men getting to know each other. 
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Zhu Jiu ruins their stroll, and at the same time the face stealer and her boyfriend, Jia Hui, walk around the surveillance, capturing Zhu Hong. The team then does not call their Chief, presumably because they don’t want to disrupt his date. 
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Shen Wei’s solution to throwing Zhao Yunlan off his scent is pretending to be hurt once more: this time drawing blood by prickling his finger on one of Lin Yusen’s trap. While it will not work in the long run, Shen Wei breathes a sigh of relief at Yunlan’s overreaction, and agrees to go to A&E with him to get a tetanus shot, as if it’s a thing people do every time they have a minor cut. 
We then meet Wang Xianyang pre-evil, and his pregnant wife pre-dead. Good times.
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Guardian’s insistence on making Zhu Hong a damsel in distress is slightly grating. She should not need help to be rescued: she is not a human, and she shown to have a number of powers in this very episode. I almost wish her reliance one Zhao Yunlan could be read as an excuse to be close: I would prefer that to her being side-lined because she happens to be a woman.
If those recaps continue, I will start focusing more on fight sequences when they happen, because one of my jobs is in stage violence. This episode, we only get one fight, however, and it’s only four moves long. It’s more of a capture, really: Chu Shuzhi blocks a left hook and puts Jia Hui’s arm in a lock, then does the same thing on the other side. We are to understand that Jia Hui never stood a chance here. This lock would have looked better and more vicious if the elbow was more bent, putting the hand higher on the back. Also, continuity, what continuity? 
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Shen Wei, who probably teleported out of the A&E, goes back to patrol the streets against Zhu Jiu, still in civvies, because being caught once was not enough for him. After a brief stand-off, he fails to capture the baby goth villain, who taunts Shen Wei with his only visible weakness: Zhao Yunlan.
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Being distracted thus, Hei Pao Shi does not arrive in time to save Lin Yunsen, who runs in to save the SID team from the face stealer about to take them all out. On top of that, Hei Pao Shi also informs Zhao Yunlan that he’s taking the young man’s body away with the perpetrators, citing the peace treaty violation on his part. Needless to say, Yunlan is actually incredibly angry and upset at this turn of events, even though he probably could have summoned Hei Pao Shi if he wanted to; and must know that the Envoy is just doing his literal job. As he is storming off, Shen Wei stares at his back with naked longing. 
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Zhao Yunlan does not know that Shen Wei took Lin Yunsen away to spare his feelings as the young man was forcefully turned into a mixed-energy bomb. This episode is when we discover that being mixing dark and light energies together leads to adverse effects for the carrier, resulting in a spectacular explosion. Shen Wei will use this knowledge in the future in ways I don’t care to remind myself of. That said, I do like is well-structured narratives, with a decent amount of foreshadowing, and elements are set-up in good time, so it’s satisfying - in an abstract, detached, sort of way -  to see that that particular plot device is already present in the story. 
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At the end, we are treated to another sneak preview of the past: this time with the naming scene. Shen Wei vouches to keep his promise he once gave Kunlun to bravely march onwards, despite everything, and chooses to step aside. For now. 
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(By which I mean while he will temporarily stop inviting himself along to solve cases with Zhao Yunlan, he will still get an apartment across the hall from the other man to better stalk him.)
I would also like to note with a hint of sadness that the first onslaught of dubbing glitches happens this episode. I thought those would not start until later in the show. 
Next up, Episode 5: The Butler Did Not Do It
*I don’t actually remember if his special power being learning is something explicitly stated in the show canon, or if I have just absorbed this through fandom osmosis. 
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mrs-dynamight · 3 years
Text
Be Nice To Me 2
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Part 1.
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Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x fem!Reader, Denki Kaminari x fem!Reader
Warnings: Eventual mature content, angst, hurt/comfort, love triangle, the reader is lowkey toxic, everything will be adressed in every episode (:
Chapter warning: Swearing but just a little bit of it. Mentions of past relationships between the 1A students. Everything else is pure Fluff.
Chapter: 2/? Still don't know how long this is going to be, I just have so much to write ;-;
Synopsis: You're in love with your best friend Bakugou, and you're cofessing to him but things get a lot more complicated when Denki starts to treat you different *wink wink*
Word count: 1.7k
Author's note: I love friends to lovers troupe sm, this chapter and the next one gave me butterflies writing it O=w=O
Chapter 2 Do you want to die together- Stars
We walked the rest of the way talking about hero equipment and how much of a cry baby he is and about that new shojo magazine every girl (and Bakugo ofc) have been reading.
In the front door of the UA was Ochako and Tsuyu, they saw us walk together and gave me a thumbs up, I was so embarrassed that I could feel my heartbeat in my throat. Bakugo just said his usual “Tch” and kept walking, I just said “see ya” and waved. As I walked towards my friends I noticed a strange look on their faces so I asked them if there was something wrong.
-Y/N, you really like Bakugo- Said Ochako with a big grin in her face
-I mean yeah, I guess that I like him a lot- I say a bit embarrassed and a light pink flush in my cheeks
-No but, you actually love him, we can tell just by looking at you- Said Tsuyu followed by a classic Tsuyu “Kero”
-I can’t believe you haven’t made a move yet, I think he likes you back, I mean it’s Bakugo, you can never tell, but you are way too obvious, since day one- Said Ochako
“Since day one…” I think my friends knew I was falling for him way before I did, besides that I didn´t wanna admit that I had feelings for my friend.
The first one to notice was of course Tsuyu-Chan, she saw us coming out of the gym one late afternoon and I was mocking him about how ridiculous was every option he had for his hero name and Bakugo being Bakugo was angry as he can be, telling me how “an extra like me” would never get an awesome name even if it punched me in the face.
-You like him- Said Tsuyu, it wasn’t a question, and it didn’t have any rude intentions, for her it was a mere fact.
-WHAAAAT?? Fcourse not- I said blushing.
-Y/N, I’ve seen how you look at him, you even blush when he addresses you- Tsuyu said.
God, what if she’s right?
-He’s just my friend, maybe a little crush, I’m sure it’ll pass -
But it didn’t, if anything only became more painful obvious and difficult to handle, I caught myself staring at him in class, thinking about him any time I saw something spicy, every time I saw a Pomeranian my head automatically went “Bakugo”, any skull related thing had his face imprinted in my mind, every song had his drums in it, even when watching fashion shows with the girls at UA dorms made me think about his family issues. It was undeniable I was falling deeply in love with Katsuki Bakugo. I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship, so I just sucked my feelings up and keep on with our routine like I wasn´t completely captivated by everything that boy did. That was until I decided it was enough. It was now or never, the last year, I had to make my move.
That was one of the longest weeks in my whole student life, I spend most of the time avoiding any kind of contact with Bakugo, and it was obvious to everyone, I usually hang out a lot with the whole Bakusquad, but this time I just simply started walking the opposite direction every time I crossed them in the hallways.
-Are you sure you’re doing the right thing avoiding him completely? - Said Deku with a concerned look in his face
-I just don’t wanna say something stupid in front of him and have him regretting having a date with me- I replied giving a big much to my lunch
-I’m sure he thinks that anything anyone besides him say it’s stupid, so I wouldn’t worry about that Y/N- Said Shoto
-Yeah, and besides, you were the one who said that you didn’t wanna ruin your friendship, so don’t do it and just keep everything normal- Said Ochako.
Normal… Nothing will be “normal” again between us after today, in the worst scenario possible we will stop talking, our friendship will be ruined completely and there will be no turning back to how things were before; in the best, the feeling is mutual and we start dating. Dating Bakugo, I’ve pictured it a hundred times before, but now that it might happen… No, focus Y/N there is still a long way before that actually happens, first I have to survive today without throwing up all these years of butterflies in my stomach.
It’s finally the last class for today, just this last one, going back to the dorms for a quick shower and a change of clothes, and I’ll be having my first date with the boy of my dreams; but before I entered the room someone grabbed my hand and pulled me into an empty classroom, it was Denki Kaminari.
-Denki wha…- I started saying but he interrupted me abruptly
-I don´t know what I did Y/N but please talk to me again, I’m so sorry if I did or said something wrong, I’m really really sorry but please don’t ignore me like that- He said with tears in the corner of his eyes.
Me ignoring Denki? Oh shit, I didn’t thought of that when I was avoiding Bakugo, I didn’t even realized it, was so worried about don’t messing it up before today that I forgot that his friends were also my friends
-Denki I’m so sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s my fault I was so caught up with my stuff lately, I didn’t realize that I was ignoring with my friends-
He looked a little confused when I said that, he looked directly in my eyes.
-You weren’t ignoring me specifically? – He almost sounded offended
-Of course not, I guess I was being distant with everyone but you were the only one who noticed it, I’m sorry Denki- I went for a hug but he stopped me
-You don’t have to apologise Y/N, is just that I wanted to talk to you this past days but anytime I ran into you, you seemed to run away from me and I just, I don’t know, I thought you didn’t wanna be my friend anymore and I was so scared and…-
This time he didn’t stopped me and I hugged him. He put his head in my shoulder and sighed.
-I wanted to be like this for so long- He said wiping the tears in his eyes and looking away
-We should head to class, if we are late again Aizawa will kill us- I said grabbing Denki’s sleeve, but he stopped me.
- Y/N wait, I wanted to talk to you, it’s kinda important- He was as red as an apple and his eyes were fixed on his shoes.
Is Denki Kaminari confessing to me?!? I mean, yeah he has always been kind to me, and we do spend a lot of time together, and have sleepovers with mina and sero, and I go to every one of his gigs, and that box of chocolates for valentines, and those playlists, and the pinterest moodboard, and… Oh fuck, Denki Kaminari likes me. Before I could say or think anything he says:
-I have a gig next week, I know you come to every one of them, but this one is special and I would love seeing you there, not like the others weren’t special, because they were, you know how much I like when you come to see meUS! I was thinking maybe arrive a little earlier with me, to the soundcheck, I know it’s a little boring buuuuut I get really nervous if you’re not there and I just…, please come with me next week- He was clearly a handful of nerves, and knowing Denki he rehearsed that words over and over, he was so cute.
What? I could have sworn he was going to tell me something else, but a Gig? I’ve seen every performance ever since the first one at the cultural festival from first year, he didn’t have to get so nervous for that, unless there is something else he isn’t telling me, or maybe I misinterpreted all of it, maybe it was actually something special and he is afraid of asking anyone else for emotional support, yeah that makes sense, we always have been there for each other when things got tough, when he found out that Jirou was in love with Momo in first year he spend a whole week crying in my dorm, when he and Shinso broke up I had to force him to come out of his bed and act like a semi-functional human being, that was a whole semester of romantic comedy, sad music and junk food, thank god we both passed the year; it makes sense he came to me if he was feeling nervous about anything, nothing more, right?
-I would love to, Denki, I love seeing you on stage. I didn’t knew you get nervous when performing- I say with a chuckle.
-Well I usually don’t but this time I’m going to sing a song, and let me tell you, the struggle is real, have you heard Bakubro criticism? In the last rehearsal he made me cry five times-
Denki is going to sing?! OMG, usually Jirou is the one who takes the lead vocals, he just sings the harmonies, I’ve only heard him actually sing in karaoke nights, this is going to be so much fun, of course I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world
-Yeah, Bakugo tends to be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but don’t worry I wouldn´t miss this gig for anything in the world-
-Pinky Promise? – Asked Denki with his best puppy eyes
-Pinky promise- I replied intertwining our pinky fingers and feeling a little electrical buzz
-OUCH! What was that for? – I said giving Denki a playful punch in the arm
-That was for ignoring me all week, I really missed you Y/N- And then he lean in and kissed my forehead -Now let’s go before Aizawa wakes up and see we are not in class, I don’t want to clean the common room in the dorms, again-
“And before someone sees us and thinks something wrong” I thought to myself.
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Part 3 here
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OMG! I have so much fun writing this, remember if you want to be in the tag list just message me, hope you enjoy reading it as I had writing it
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skullchicken · 3 years
Text
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On the 30.04.2021, Meinhart Bonifaz Brant, at that point an unassuming spindly 15-year old human reading Stanislaw Lem's "Star Diaries" on the living room couch, goblinized into a giant. About 50 years later, he would go on a few adventures under the street name "Alberich" (you see, it's very funny because he's not a dwarf).
In honor of goblinization-day, I'm compiling all of the art and (hopefully entertaining) stories I have of mah boi and the chicago shadowrun-group - so these are going to be some long posts. Everything under the cut so I don't clog up your dashboards and cut up into chunks. If you don't want to see it, blacklist "goblinization".
Part 1, the first mission:
So, why is Alberich? When I joined the shadowrun-group that would start my obsession, my english conversational skills weren't that great. Mostly trouble finding words and having a really thick german accent. Since I was a bit self-conscious about that, I decided to instead lean into it. Thus Alberich was a german-born ex-museum director turned shadowrunner since he did a Very Stupid Thing and had to leave the Allied German States for Chicago.
What did he do? He made a deal with a dragon. Specifically, he sold a forged piece of art to Lofwyr, CEO of Saeder-Krupp.
Alberich was introduced into the already formed group something like this: "At the entrance of the building, arriving punctually, you spot the biggest troll you've probably ever seen, looking very uncomfortable to be here and slinking as much as is even possible. All in all, he somehow doesn't look very threatening. In fact, he looks as if an art teacher had been stuffed with a 3 meter/10 feet tall horned giant. His face lights up as he sees you, though."
So the first thing he does is shake everyone's hand, politely assuring them that it's a pleasure to meet them and yes, he is Alberich, and who are you? Ah, yes, lovely names, very creative.
For reference, this is the average shadowrun-group:
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Speaking of which, the gang's line-up did change a bit unfortunately, but the ones that stayed from beginning to end were:
Speedrun, street-samurai. An adrenaline-junkie who has styled himself after anime. Very much trying to be cool, to the point that he has adopted a deep-sounding voice that's rather obviously not his natural speaking voice. We pictured it as him talking with his head on his chin. Here he is, trying to impress the fighting adept shere khan:
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Elf_Queen, decker and elf-poser. An elf-poser is someone who tries very hard to be elf-like - in her case, she wanted to actually *be* an elf. She ran away from home since her parents were metahuman-racists (Humanis policlub). Notably, her online and offline persona were very different. Online, she's very assertive and the guild leader of an mmorpg. Offline however, she's pretty much scared of anything. When Alberich joined the group, she hid behind Speedrun - you don't live with humanis for that long without picking up some xenophobia as well. And trolls aren't well-liked in the game world.
So the first mission: De-kidnap a kidnapped singer called Jericho. First we took a look at the bus-line she had last taken, a task for which Elf_Queen had to jack into said bus. Only three problems: A) She had to get behind a metal covering inside the bus B) her character sheet is min-maxed to hell and back, thus she has ONE measly point in strenght. Which wouldn't be a problem since she's in the presence of three pretty strong dudes if not for C) Massive Social Anxiety.
After looking around like a wet bunny for 5 minutes, Alberich (who has also cramped himself into the bus) finally catches on and goes "... can I help you, little lady?", pops the cover open and she can get deckin'. You might call this strike 1. You'll see why.
After visiting her appartment and some more investigation, we gather that Miss Jericho has been taken away into a bunraku (think brothel but with more brainwashing) to be re-programmed to the liking of her ex-boyfriend whose band she left to make it on her own (and quite successfully so). Which means we'll have to deal with Yakuza.
The bunraku turns out to be disguised as a night club. After I tried and failed to casually infiltrate the place (... I... er... wasn't a very good player at first?) we had to flee forwards, take out the guards at the door and make sure we get in and out of there as soon as possible.
In the club, almost before we made it backstage, Elf_Queen got held up by a guy bent on talking to her and froze up. Well, at least until Alberich very casually bent over the two of them and informed the guy that "she's with me". I tell you this, because this was strike 2.
Backstage, past a kitchen and into the cellar, we finally got into a room with two rows of plexi-glass cells - and in the middle, a bound spirit, a thing that feeds on negative emotions. Our muscle (Speedrun and Baba Yaga - yes, we had a John Wick in our midst. And yes, Alberich technically doesn't count as muscle, he's a mage. It's complicated) were outside, fighting off Yakuza. So it was up to EQ to hack Miss Jericho's cell open as quickly as possible and for me to make sure she wouldn't die while doing so.
After like three rounds of unsuccessful banishing (as I said... not a good player), the cell was open. But...
But.
There were the other victims.
What about the others?
Now, when I thought up Alberich, my core idea was "Daryl Whitefeather and Don Corleone having a mental fistfight". I tend to play good characters and this time around, to honor the setting I set out a morally grey character, someone who mostly looks out for himself and only indulges in kindness when he has the luxury to do so. Being kind and polite, if you think about it, is really just usually the easiest and most pleasant way to get people to do what you want. And if people are convinced you're scary by nature, seeming less so is just a smart survival strategy.
But then he looks at this little socially anxious nerd, who very much reminds him of himself, when he used to be a little socially anxious nerd, long, long ago and she says with big eyes "please! can you give me a bit more time? We need to save the others! We have to try!" and it's just... strike three. He's taken the little decker into his heart. So internally he goes "welp, I'm old anyways" and externally he shrugs his mana-burned shoulders, sighs "okay" and keeps trying to banish.
Unfortunately the spirit almost eats him alive. EQ fails to open any more gates, so they make it out once he as but 2 life points left, run into the elevator and evade the fast approaching small army of Yakuza on the way out.
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Elf_Queen jumps into his arms, Alberich holds her like one might hold a chihuahua, Baba Yaga is trying to gauge their time and speedrun's reporting back from outside.
In the end, it was bittersweet. Because while we did save Miss Jericho, the brainwashing still took hold. Her last 1 1/2 years of life wiped away, she asked for her ex-boyfriend as soon as she woke up.
End of Part 1, thank you for reading this very self-indulgent text!
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liums · 3 years
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Malleus Draconia SR Halloween “Scary Outfit” Personal Story-This is...interesting
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Part 1
Diasomnia Dorm- Lounge
Lilia- ....Here you are Malleus. I was looking for you.
Malleus- Lilia. What happened?
Lilia- There’s something I want to ask for.
Lilia- Would you decide on the disguise for Diasomnia this Halloween?
Malleus- Me? Why? Lilia did chosen it last year and 2 years ago.
Lilia- This year, in particular, I’m working as a steering committe member. I have to show up in the club activities .
Malleus- However, I don’t know what to do. I think there are more suitable people...
Lilia- No, only our Lord.
Lilia- Choosing a disguise means deciding Diasomnia theme for year.
Lilia- if its such an important thing...in my opinion, then I, or the dorm learder must decide.
Malleus- Does Lilia, who looks forward to halloween every year, decides the outfits for that reason?
Lilia- Kufufufu...Well, there is another reason.
Lilia- Its boring that I get to decide a costume every year.
Lilia- However, if the next king of the Valley of Thorns chooses, all diasomnia students will be curious.
Lilia- Of couse, I am too. How is it? Will you do it?
Malleus- ....All right. If Lilia says so, I will choose.
Malleus- Certainly, I will choose a ghost costume with various monsters caracteristics (Didn’t understand well,its literally translated as- Certainly, I was dressed in a ghost costume with various monsters as mortifs from each dorm)
Malleus- I will go to the library and try to find useful books.
-Library
Malleus- ....Well, what kind of disguise should I wear?
Malleus- Even if I choose a theme, it needs to be relatable with Diasomnia.
Malleus- A high-rank being is desirable, but....
Malleus- If I choose the dragon, Lilia will complain I should deviate a little more.
Malleus- It should be a creature that I myself has never seen. If I do that, It will be possible to make a difference to the other Dorms.
Malleus- If I look up local folklore from diferent regions, I may find information about creatures that you can’t find regularly.
Malleus- However, it will be hard to find those books.
Maleus- I’ve heard that you can search for the book you need by using a computer in the library....
Malleus- .....No, it’s complicated to use them.(poor Malleus 。T ω T。) .Let’s go around and looks for a book.
...*some time passes i think*
Malleus- ...98.....99....this is the 100th book.
Malleus- No way, there are about 100 folklore books in this library...
Ortho- Wow! So many books!
Malleus- You are....the youngest Shroud.
Ortho- Malleus Draconia!
Ortho- What happened to be stacking a lot of books around?
Malleus- I have to decide on a Halloween costume.
Malleus- I was gathering books, but when I noticed, I was surrounded by a lot of  books.
Ortho- Hmm. Can I help you if you are looking for something?
Ortho- If you are interessed, you can use a database instead of the books in the library.
Ortho- And if you use the ”Olympus” search engine
Ortho- You can also do a semantic search that uses the user intentions and purposes. How about?
Malleus- In other words....what do you mean? (why is this cute)
Ortho- It identifies what Malleus Draconia wants to find out. (also Ortho deserves best brother award)
Malleus- Hmm....I understand.
Ortho- “Activate voice recognition function. Start the semantic search”.
Malleus- ......................
Ortho- ....Oh, so?
Malleus- what?
Ortho- Um...Can you tell me what you want to look up, even if its fragmented?
Malleus- Can I?
Ortho- Of course.
Malleus- Then...I am looking for information on creatures used as inspiration in halloween costumes...
Ortho- “Searching...”
Malleus- What happened?
Ortho- Don’t worry, can you tell me more?
Malleus- ....Alright.
Malleus- I would like to consider a high-ranking creature suitable for Diasomnia.....
.....
Ortho-”Search complete”
Ortho- I found it, Malleus Draconia. I’ll project the image on the wall right away!
Malleus- Oh, This is.....Interesting.
                                                    Part 1 end
Part 2
-.Library
Ortho- Is this the creature that Malleus were looking for?
Malleus- Hmm...The King who dominates the demons on Bald Montain.
Ortho- It has a big pitch black body and huge wings. And its penetrating eyes....so cool!
Ortho- I’m certain there was never a costume with this concept in the history of Night Raven College before.
Malleus- Certainly he is a high-ranking being....
Malleus- However, if the body is all black, it will not stand out. Lilia would likely complain that it’s too plain.
Ortho- “Researching.....search completed”
Ortho- If that’s the case, then look. A headless horseman who rides trough the valley at night!
Ortho- A galloping horse swinging a sword! The red cloak stands out, dosen’t it?
Malleus- ....No, its no good.
Ortho- Eh!? Why?
Malleus- When it comes to reproducing its appearence that has no neck, The costume becomes too complicated.
Malleus- Besides, it would be difficult to prepare horses for all the students.
Ortho- I see....
Ortho- Reflecting the current information, the next image is...This!
Malleus- .....Oh? It’s quite small but, is this red being is.....a dragon?
Ortho- Oh? Dragon should have been omitted from the search since we looked it up before....Oh!
Ortho- This is not a dragon. (doragon is what they said, they mean the english version of dragons, lthe classics like maleficent one) Its a dragon! (”Ryuu” wich means dragon in japanese, they are refering to oriental dragons, like the one in Ramshackle dorm and the one from Dragon ball Z, chinese dragons basically)
Malleus- A dragon(ryuu)....A being that lives in the Far east and is sanctified by humans.
Malleus- It combines both strenghth and grace.....A dragon-like high ranking being....
Malleus- Above all, a being that I have never seen myself...
Malleus- Alrigh, I decided. The costume of Diasomnia will be a dragon (ryuu)
Malleus- Detailed information is needed create the costumes. Can you search for it?
Ortho- Yeah! Leave it to me!
.....
Ramshacle Dorm
Malleus- ....Sorry I kept you waiting.
Malleus- This will be the halloween costume for Diasomnia this year.
Sebek- Young....Young master! Such a dignified figure! (hes crying.. 0.0)
Silver- It really suits you.
Malleus- How is it Lilia? I want to hear your opinion.
Lilia- Its has such a sophisticated design, but its really collorful....I like it!
Lilia- Looks like it was the right choice, leaving you decidde the costumes.
Lilia- I would have never guessed you would use a Far eastern dragon as a motif...
Malleus- Its not a dragon.
Malleus -Dragons and dragons are different, from appearence to abilities, the kind of horns and the lack of wings....they only look similar on the surface.
Lilia- Hahahah wow! Its like how you said. You managed to do so susch a good  research in a short period of time. You are such a prefecionist
Malleus- It was thanks to the yougest shroud. He did a good job
Malleus- Though...I didn’t understand at all how he did it. (*pat pat* its alright, its alright, u are perfect just like that)
Lilia- Well, the costumes are perfect, lets give them to the dorm members.
Malleus- Ah. This year’s halloween we’ll bring more fear than before.
 -Halloween day-
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Malleus- Trick or threat! (my lips are sweet, does that count??)
Malleus- Fufu... The majesty of this dragon, Ill burn it in your eyes...!
     END
So as I suspected, that tail is REAL ,Malleus confirms it in one of his lines.
Also XD when Sebek and Silver were little they’d wet the bed on the halloween because Lilia would always scare them, Diasomnia is one big family and I just love it
Add me if you want uwu
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-Please don´t post it anywhere else, just redirect them here
disclaimer- I do not own Twisted Wonderland or any of its characters
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vanessakirbyfans · 3 years
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Defying expectations, challenging Hollywood’s norms and facing one’s own fear of failing emerged as central themes when Michelle Pfeiffer, Kate Winslet, Rashida Jones, Vanessa Kirby and Andra Day met virtually in December for The Envelope’s Actress Roundtable. Collectively, they represent four decades in film and more wild experiences than we can fit in one discussion — and they’re also behind some of the most complex characters in film right now.
Pfeiffer is eccentric, wealthy New York widow Frances Price in the quirky drama “French Exit,” which opens this week in limited release. When Price blows through most of her inheritance, she flees to Paris, where she attracts an odd assortment of friends. Winslet is rough-hewn paleontologist Mary Anning in “Ammonite,” a period drama that explores the hardships of a female pioneer in 19th century England’s patriarchal science world and the challenges she faced hiding her love for another woman.
Jones is Laura, the dutiful daughter of an eccentric father in the comedy-drama “On the Rocks.” Despite their complicated history, daughter and father embark on a covert mission to find out if her husband is cheating, but self-discovery may just be the biggest reveal. Kirby conveys anger, sorrow and grief following the death of her newborn baby as Martha in the emotionally wrenching “Pieces of a Woman.” And singer Day makes her film debut in “The United States vs. Billie Holiday,” a period drama streaming on Hulu later this month that chronicles Holiday’s battles with law enforcement, drugs and the crush of systemic racism.
Their conversation here has been edited for length and clarity.
Your films are built around narratives of complex women, many of whom face challenges that aren’t often explored on screen. “Pieces of a Woman” is a great example of a film that is so specifically female, it would have never made it to the screen in the past.
Vanessa Kirby: It definitely feels like a different time right now ... we want to represent women that we identify as being us and the weird parts of us. In the movie, my biggest intention was to make it not a sanitized, movie version of a birth. So [she] felt super sick and burped a lot. She was really nauseous ... things that we might think are unpalatable or not comfortable. That’s all the facets of being human, and particularly being a women. I’ve read so many scripts where it was a version of a woman that I don’t know. It was a film version as opposed to my sister or my best mates or me.
Kate Winslet: That’s what is great about now ... the world is making space for all of these stories. We’ve always tried to tell these stories, but the world is more receptive to hearing them now. That is a shift.... It’s such a moving, seismic time to be doing this job.
Michelle, your character Frances Price is the perfect example of an imperfect female protaganist. She is a mess, and fantastic, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I was just was so curious about this woman, and I thought she was so odd and not like a character that I had seen or that I had played. And then the dialogue is very stylized. So you have to give in to it but, at the same time, not too much. It was made up of these disparate tones of absurdism and melancholy, and it was funny, and it was tragic — these oddballs sort of living on the fringe of society and trying to make some sort of human connection, all of them, in some way.
Rashida, in “On the Rocks,” you play a reserved writer with a charming, flamboyant father. Your real father is Quincy Jones. What sort of parallels did you feel playing Laura?
Rashida Jones: I very much related to this idea of coming of age with a larger-than-life father who commands presence and changes the atmosphere of any room he walks into, and how that in itself can be something you have to untangle from. Because in order to be your own person, in order to find your life, in order to figure out who you are in the world, not relational to anybody else, you have to separate yourself from all that charm and the warm light of your father’s love. That part of it I very much related to. But Laura is unlike me in the sense that I’m pretty outspoken. This character, I think, has a lot of restraint. That was a challenge.
Andra, stepping into the shoes of Billie Holiday must have been a huge challenge, and this is your first film!
Andra Day: It was definitely terrifying. First of all, I’m a fan of hers. And I’ve always loved movies and had such a great respect for the craft of acting. My biggest terror was that I was going to suck. So I was like, “OK, I’m going to take two to three years off of music just to study and focus on acting.” I auditioned at the end of 2017, landed the role at the beginning of 2018, and then we shot at the end of 2019. So I had time to really live in her [shoes]. The film isn’t a sanitized version of Billie Holiday. She is raw. She is a fighter. She’s a hero, in all of her real humanness, even as a fractured figure. All of the emotional pain. It was the most challenging and rewarding thing I’ve done in my life — and the most terrifying.
Winslet: It never goes away.
Day: That’s actually my question. I mean, do you ever really, really shed all of it or let it go?
Winslet: Honestly, it does not go away. But I feel so excited for you, Andra, that in this moment you are connecting with other people, having these kinds of conversations, because we all learn on the job. All of these experiences that we are sharing are the things that will hold you up and buoy you through, and this is a time when we have to hold each other up. But it doesn’t get any easier. And I’m afraid you will always be terrified. I f—ing am.
Pfeiffer: When I first started acting, probably for the first 10 years, I literally on the first day would shake so terribly that I was sure you could see it on film. Fortunately, you couldn’t. I don’t shake any more, but I still have those jitters. I still think the first week of shooting I’m going to be fired and replaced.
Jones: Yeah. So congratulations on that, for a lifetime.
Day: This is a roundtable, but also a therapy session.
Let’s talk about the risks that jangle those nerves. Those of you who have been doing this a while have tackled a wide variety of characters and survived, and thrived. That’s unusual in Hollywood, especially for women.
Pfeiffer: Like all actors, you sort of choose the best of what is available to you, and go for as long as you can without working, until you need a paycheck. It’s also that thing where, depending on what your last role was, that’s how the industry sees you. It’s really up to you to try to find those things that shift it in the direction you want it to go. I did “Grease 2,” and that was one thing, and then was lucky enough a year later to get cast in “Scarface.” People were very upended, because nobody expected that turn. And then when I did “Married to the Mob,” that [was] another seismic shift, like, “Whoa, wait a minute; who’s that?” I remember when I met Marty Scorsese for the first time, he expected this dark-haired girl from New Jersey to walk in. That was one of the most flattering things anyone ever said about my work. It’s just looking for those opportunities, and sometimes they’re very small, but those small opportunities end up having the biggest impact on the direction that your career goes in.
Jones: I just want to interrupt and say how cool this is. Michelle, obviously, you’re an icon and a legend, but the fact that you did [those films] back to back; such different things, such different audiences, such different characters. To me, that is the success of the art form.
Pfeiffer: Well, thank you. I spent lots of time being unemployed and waiting and really stretching it out, but it is, for me, the most exciting thing about being an actor. And that’s why we’re always terrified, because we’re always trying to do something different.
Day: As music artists, people are always trying to put you in a box, like, “This is what you do,” and we’re constantly rebelling against that, because life’s not like that. I can’t be the same. This role changed me, and I wouldn’t have been the same [person] as three years ago anyway. As a fan of yours, [Michelle], it’s exciting not to know what you’re going to come out with next.
Kate, your recent leap into the unknown is playing Mary Anning.
Winslet: She was a woman of scientific brilliance who made pioneering discoveries in the fossil world. But she was an unsung hero, because she lived in the early 1800s, and the world of science and geology was, like so many worlds back then and still now, dominated by men. And those men would buy her finds and claim them as their own discoveries, actually put their names on them. But there was something incredibly stoic and accepting of her lot in life. Mary was self-taught. She was extremely working-class, actually impoverished, lived a very harsh life. I just loved her even though she is cantankerous at times and quite difficult.
Vanessa, in “Pieces of a Woman,” Martha is emotionally distant and hard to read even after going through significant trauma. Was that challenging?
Kirby: In her nature, [Martha] tries to never show anything she’s feeling. So I was really scared, because I thought, “Oh, my God, what if it looks like I’m feeling nothing or nothing’s going on?” I just had to trust that if I really felt it, and I really thought those thoughts [it would come through]. I’ve never given birth ... so a lot of women spoke to me about their experiences of miscarriage or stillbirth or losing children. I owe them everything, because they allowed me to sit with them and try and understand how it really felt. At the end of the shoot, I was like, “I hope it’s done them justice,” because it’s definitely something that’s not spoken about. There’s so much silence around it. I hope that the film will help start conversations that really need to start happening.
Andra, Billie had an exceptional life that was also quite brutal. How did you go about trying to convey that while still honoring her greatness?
Day: She is musically, my foremost inspiration. I already knew a lot about the government going after her. The early war on drugs, and the subsequent wars on drugs, were wholly entrenched in race. I was aware of that, but I didn’t know about how deeply they went after her, even up to her death. Yes, she was an addict and, yes, alcohol and drugs ... but they wanted her to die. And not just kill her, but to actually eradicate her legacy. It’s why I call her the godmother of civil rights, because she was doing it alone. Her singing “Strange Fruit” and the death of Emmett Till reinvigorated the civil rights movement. She was innately a fighter, a character with resilience and tenacity.
Kirby: Kate, can I ask what it was like being so young in “Titanic”? Did it like blow your mind after it came out and you realized that that many people were watching you in the cinema? Did you know at the time when you were making it —
Winslet: I didn’t. I was playing an American for the first time. And working with Leo, who I’d seen in "[What’s Eating] Gilbert Grape” and “Basketball Diaries.” So it was like, “Oh, my God, I’m Kate from Reading.” I was the overweight girl who would always be at the end of the line. And because my name was a W, sometimes I wouldn’t even get in the door of the audition because they’d run out of time before the Ws. And I was in “Titanic.” It’s mad.
Jones: How were you smart enough to know, even with all of that pressure and then getting hit with all of that fame, how did you know to back off and not take the big paychecks? You were so young. How did you know to shoot for longevity?
Winslet: The honest answer is I was scared of Hollywood. A big, scary place, where everyone had to be thin and look a certain way. And I knew that I did not look that way or feel like I fit there, so if I was ever going to belong, I had to earn my place. And to me, I hadn’t earned it. “Titanic” might have been a fluke. I had done “Heavenly Creatures.” I had done “Sense and Sensibility,” which I was nominated for an Academy Award for at the age of 19, but still I had this feeling of “maybe that was just luck.” When I became a mother at 25, all of that stuff evaporated completely. Then two years after she was born, I was asked to do “Eternal Sunshine [of the Spotless Mind].” I do believe that was a huge turning point in my career, because from then on people suddenly went, “Oh, she can do that?!”
Kate, what if anything did you learn from “Ammonite”?
Winslet: It really opened my eyes to wanting to take responsibility for this sort of shared voice that we have as women. To try harder to not be objectified.
Jones: But we take it for granted that things will be the way they’re supposed to be. And that’s what’s been cool about the last five years is there has been a complete and utter subversion of just having that existential moment of like, “Wait, what is it that I’m supposed to do? What are the societal norms? What are the professional norms that I’ve agreed upon that actually don’t feel comfortable?”
Kirby: I remember when I first started reading scripts, the character descriptions. The man, it would always be “articulate, intelligent, high-powered.” And then the woman would be “attractive, dark, beautiful hair, and all eyes look at her when she comes into the room.” It was so subtly objectifying. Often, the woman would be just ever so slightly moving the man’s story along, rather than necessarily having her own journey.
Day: I think we so often write this [young] generation off as like, “Oh, it’s the social media generation, and all they care about is selfies and dah, dah, dah.” But I think we can partly attribute this shift to them. I don’t think this generation wants the glossy, clean, the sanitized version of life. Also, with the internet and social media, everyone’s still connected; the globe is so much smaller now.
Rashida, you’ve not only acted, you’ve written, produced and directed. Do you think that kind of representation behind the camera is making a difference in what we are seeing?
Jones: The good news now is there definitely is an appetite, at least within Hollywood, for female content creators. And what’s nice is what all of you have been saying is the more women there are around, the more comfortable women feel advocating for themselves. If you don’t have that representation around, you’re less likely to speak up, because you don’t feel like you have any backup.
Day: One of the things we learned is that certain audiences would wince at [Billie] getting beat, but I was like, “If we don’t have that in there, then we’re continuing to retool her narrative, the thing that she’s been a victim of her entire life.” Suzan-Lori Parks cowrote this movie with Lee Daniels. Women’s stories have always been told through the lens of masculinity, through how they view us or how they want us to be. Most of our stories need to be told by women, written by women, done by women. Not to write men out of the picture, but for them to understand that it is a collaborative effort.
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seanhowe · 3 years
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“For Dave Glover” by Bob Dylan, 1963
Dave Glover:  “[Dylan] said, well, they called me up and they wanted something for the Newport Book, and they needed it like in a week, and I didn’t have it. I said, well, I don’t have anything. And they said, well, anything, have you got anything laying around, is there anything you started? He said, well, I got this letter I was writing to a friend of mine. And they said, well, great. So, actually about the first two lines of that are actually a letter to me as this pretext for writing this sort of recapitulation about where he is, and what he’s doing, and what he’s been up to. That was cool. I didn’t mind. It was okay. It was kind of weird.”
Yuh ask in the last letter how come I aint wrote lately 
Yuh say that writin t me’s like blowin words at a stone wall
Yuh ask in a quiet way if I changed my ways so hard that I don remember old friends 
Yuh even ask if I’m mad at yuh for somethin
An with each letter sent yuh never got a one back 
An I know how yuh mus’ feel
Dave Glover—harmonica sidekick an guitar pardner
Dave Glover—best friend in the highest form
Dave Glover—true rebel an unconscious outlaw
Dave Glover—ramblin do-gooder a the best breed
Dave Glover—who knew me before I hit or got hit by New York City 
Dave Glover—who's everythin I stand for or am a part of
An I don even answer a letter from ‘m
I don even answer one little lousey letter
An I ask m’self am I crazy
This is Dave writin t you, man
This is somebody you love
We used t drink cough medicine bottles a vodka t'gether 
We used t stay up all nite laughin and singin 
And we did that when there weren't too many people doin it 
Hey man—I'm sorry— // I mean I'm really sorry 
I wrote many lines in the past few years but there ain't no letters in none a the words t spell out how sorry I am 
It's a complicated day 
I keep rememberin the songs we used t sing an play 
The songs written thirty fifty years ago 
The dirt farm songs - the dust bowl songs 
The depression songs - the down and out songs 
The ol blues and ballads 
I think a Woody's songs 
I think a Woody's day 
"This land I'll defend with my life if it be" 
An I say t myself "Yeah that's right" 
"Hitler's on the march" 
"I don't wan''m takin my ground" 
"I don't wan''m livin on my land" 
An I see two sides man 
I see two roads to pick yer route 
The American way or the Fascist way 
When there was a strike there's only two kind of views 
An two kinds of tales t tell the news 
Thru the unions eyes or thru the bosses eyes 
An yuh could stand on a line an look at yer friends 
An stand on that same line an see yer foes 
It was that easy 
"Which Side're You On" ain't phony words 
An they ain't from a phony song 
An that was Woody's day man 
Two sides 
I don know what happened cause I wasn't aroun but somewhere along the line a that used t be day things got messed up 
More kinds a sides come int' the story 
Folks I guess started switchin sides an makin up their own sides 
There got t be so many sides that no eyes could could see the eyes facin'm 
There got t be so many sides that all of'm started lookin' like each other 
I don pretend to know what happened man, but somehow all sides lost their purpose an folks forgot about other folks 
I mean they must a all started goin against each other not for the good a their side but for the good a jes their own selves 
An them two simple sides that was so easy t tell apart bashed an boomed an exploded so hard an heavy that t'day all'ts left and made for us is the one big rockin rollin 
COMPLICATED CIRCLE
Nowadays folk's brains're bamboozled an bowled over by categories labels an slogans an advertisements that could send anybody's head in a spin It's hard t believe anybody's tellin the truth for what that is I swear it's true that in some parts a the country folks believe the finger-pointers more'n the President It's the time a the flag wavin shotgun carryin John Birchers It's the time a the killer dogs an killer sprays It's the time a the billboard sign super flyin highways It's the time a the pushbutton foods an five minute fads It's the time a the white collar shirt an the white sheeted hood and the white man's sun tan lotion It's time a guns and grenades an bombs bigger'n any time's ever seen It's the time a Liz Taylor fans - sports fans and electric fans It's the time when a twenty year ol colored boy with his head bloody don get too much thought from the seventy year ol senator who wants t bomb Cuba I don't know who the people were man that let it get this way but they got what they wanted out a their lives an left me an you facin a scared raped world They frained the free thinkin air an left us with a mental institution circle They rotted the poor wind and left us mixed up mislead puny breeze They stole Abraham Lincoln's road an sold us Bill Moore's highway They shot down trees - buried the leaves an nailed "Profess" t the gravestone They damned up the clear runnin river of "Love thy neighbor" said by Jesus Christ a Bethlehem an poluted us with "I'll guard" "the school with my body" said by governor Wallace of Alabama They robbed the Constitution of the land an snuck in the censors of the mind They bought up everythin at the auction an left us with a garbage market a fools an fears an frustratin phoniness Yuh ask how I'm doin Dave I'm still singin - I'm still writin I'm still doin all a things I used to do I guess But the difference is probably that now I really ain't thinkin about what I'm doing no more I do worry no more bout the covered up lies and twisted truth in front a my eyes I don worry no more bout the no-talent criticizers an know-nothin philosophizers I don worry no more bout the cross-legged corner sitters who try an make rules for the ones travelin in the middle a the room I'm singin an writin what's on my own mind now What's in my own head and what's in my own heart I'm singin for me an a million other me's that've been forced t'gether by the same feelinNot by no kind a side Not by no kind a category People hung up and strung out People frustrated an corked in an bottled up People on no special form or field - age limit or class I can't sing "Red Apple juice" no more I gotta sing "masters a War" I can't sing "Little Maggie" with a clear head I gotta sing "Seven Curses" instead I can't sing "John Henry" I gotta sing "Hollis Brown" I can't Sing "John Johannah" cause it's his story an his people's story I gotta sing "With God On My Side" cause it's my story an my people's I can't sing "The Girl I Left Behind" cause I know what it's like to do it I gotta sing "Boots a Spanish Leather" cause I know what's like to live it But don't get me wrong now Don think I go way out a my way not t sing no folk songs That ain't it at all The folk songs showed me the way They showed me that songs can say somethin human Without "Barbara Allen" there'd be no "Girl From The North Country" Without no "Lone Green Valley" there'd be no "Don't Think Twice" Without no "Jesse James" there'd be no "Davy Moore" Without no "Twenty one Years" there'd be no "Walls a Red Wing" Hell no Them ol songs're the only kinda picture left t show the new born how it used t be in them times Them ol songs tell us what they had t run thru or walk thru or dance thru The ol songs tell how they loved an how they kissed They tell us what they rejected and objected to They laid it down an made the path They were simple an told the story straight They said who they fought an what they fought for an with what they fought with An who they fought against Now's a complicated day An all I'm sayin' is'at I gotta make my own statement bout this day I gotta write my own feelins down the same way they did it before me in that used t be day An I got nothin but homage an holy thinkin for the ol songs and stories But now there's me an you An I'm doin what I'm doin for me An I'm doin what I'm doin for you I'm writin an singin for me An I'm writin an singin for you I'm writin an singin for me cause I'm human an I'm breathin In a world that was made for me I'm writin an singin for you cause yer a part a me an everythin I stand for I don know why I aint written t yuh maybe cause I never write letters t'myself yeah maybe that's why See yuh when I get there yer friend Bob Dylan
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blkgirlsinthefuture · 3 years
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A white knight in shining armor?  Or a magical black queen?
-Chelsy
In her interview with Professor Stringfield and Bezi Yohannes on the Dreaming in the Dark podcast, Tracy Deonn the author of Legendborn states that she does not want to fix the character of Briana and that each of her feelings are valid. Why does the main character, and that is to say, the hero of the story, is supposed to be this perfect figure in order to be successfully represented as a hero?
Bree is a young black woman who has to deal with so much that she should not have to endorse everything and come out as the “greater person.” She is human, she has feelings, emotions, good, bad, and ugly, all the same, those are valid. I think that what is really interesting concerning this idea of being a good main character here, is that Bree frees herself from two minority stereotypes: being a woman and African-American. Throughout my college readings, it seems that minorities are represented as the conscience of the main, often a white male character. Indeed, the black enslaved man is usually objectified as a compass throughout the journeys of the white man towards redemption. In Legendborn Bree is not a moral compass. She is angry and feisty and she does not make her mission to educate people around and even less racist people. She has her own journey and her emotions are centered around her. She feels what a young black student feels surrounded by white people, what a young black woman feels when being treated as less by white males, what a child feels after losing her mother, what a friend feels after losing her best friend, what a girl feels when she has her first boyfriend. The only thing that I may not be able to present as relatable might be the fact that she has powers and that she is a part of a secret society and even then I might be able to argue for that. My point is that Bree is relatable, even more for all the young black women that often feel unseen in the magic world of fantasy and in the scenery of a majorly white college. I think that Bree is an even better main character because of that.
Even though I loved the novel and could not, and still can not leave Bree out of my brain, at some point in the story Bree took turns that made me want to shake her. One of them being Nick! I am obsessed with a good love story but that was not what I imagined. The character of Nick was intriguing to me on multiple facts. Nick is the typical sweet guy, a gentleman, a respectable man, and with the right amount of white savior complex. I was concerned by how quickly Nick felt that it was his duty to help Bree on her journey. I guess that without him her investigation of her identity and the death of her mother, things could have been much more complicated but still. Nick is really clear from the beginning that he does not want anything to do with his father and Arthur’s secret society. So why does he bow to Bree? Because in his heart he knows that Bree is Arthur’s Scion and that he is Lancelot’s one? I mean it could be but those are two different periods. Arthur is a white warrior, Bree is a black woman, of course, she is powerful and very capable as her path shows. But Nick’s implication shows that in our world, people of color, and especially women do not get to be independent. Although Bree might have fallen in love with this character, she is aware of Nick’s white savior complex ““If someone says something to you, anything, let me know. I’ll put a stop to it.” I look at Nick’s face. He is so certain that he understands what I’m facing.”
I was scared that because of Nick’s savior complex, Bree would lose power over her own story, but every time I expected him to show up and save the day, he was busy with his dad or injured. Bree’s story is not to be rescued by her boyfriend, which is essential. Neither is it her mission to save him all by herself. Most of the time men’s control over the women’s destiny is romanticized which diminishes women’s control over their own fate and legitimacy to have this power over themselves. In Legendborn, Bree’s (dis)ability, like Sami Schalk define in Bodyminds Reimagined, Chapter 1: “Metaphor and Materiality” is overthrown by no one else but herself. She is in control of her power and her “lack” of power. When Bree realizes that she is Arthur’s Scion, and becomes the king/queen of the round table she claims back what had been taken away from her and her mother’s ancestors before her, the power. Where her grandmother had to endure slavery, rape, and run away from one of Arthur’s Scion, Briana is able to fight against this white male supremacy and stand up to it. Although I think it is also made possible by the fact that she is living in our time where life for minorities became better. I want to put the emphasis on the trauma that she had to experience in order to discover her past and claim back the power. Bree went back in time and experienced what her ancestors did but she had to experience the trauma present in her own time. In that sense, she reminds me of Dana in the graphic adaptation of Kindred. Briana and Dana are both women of the “present” and they have to experience a trauma that no one should experience and yet it is necessary to their development. Both of them are marked by this knowledge of the past, Dana loses her arm and Bree might lose total control of her own will, influenced by King Arthur: “I fight against Arthur’s will, but he will not yield.”
Another passage that really struck me in the novel concerning Nick is when he purposefully hit Sly knowing that this one can not fight back, Sel’s vow forbidding him to do so. A quote from the graphic novel adaptation of Kindred came to my mind after this scene “They just had a little fun terrorizing people not allowed to fight back” (p.53). And that is what Nick does to Sel. Although I don think that Sly got frightened by the punch Nick threw at him, but more about his incapacity to defend himself. In this scene, Nick is carrying the awful legacy of his ancestors, slave-owning, and the power of masters over enslaved people. I think that the danger with re-imagining stories is that we can be tempted to romanticize and embellishes the truth into creating a utopian world. The Netflix show Bridgerton, directed by Shondaland present this inclusive diverse victorian society without mentioning the reality of slavery and/or racism at that time. I like the fact that the cast in the show is very diverse and that it puts people of color at power but by forgetting the ugliness of this period, I think that the show allows history to be forgotten. For me, Tracy Deonn showed the bipolarity of being an empowered black woman and still being discriminated against for it in her re-imagining of the past and present.
The question and the fear that I have is that Bree becomes Arthur’s “page” and loses her own free will. The importance of Arthur’s legacy is equally as important as her “aether” power and I am excited to see how the two power present inside her are going to coexist.
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miatheaqua · 3 years
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Overcoming anxiety by learning how to love yourself
Rob Liu
Oct 25, 2019
Tell me if this sounds familiar?
You get social anxiety when you’re around certain people. That anxiety cripples you and you start wondering why you’re so anxious. Now you’re becoming anxious about being anxious. Oh no! Doubly anxious! Now you’re anxious about your social anxiety, which is causing more anxiety. Quick, where’s the whiskey?
Or you’re so worried about doing the right thing all the time that you become worried about how much you’re worrying. Or you feel so guilty for every mistake you make that you begin to feel guilty about how guilty you’re feeling. Or you get sad and alone so often that it makes you feel even more sad and alone just thinking about it – Adapted from Mark Manson
I call this the “thought loop of despair”
I get trapped in the thought loop of despair often.
So I am at this party with the confident crowd. I look around and all I see are smiling faces chatting to each other.
Why does everyone look like they’re having so much fun?
I’m just not feeling it. It’s been a long day at work and my mind is fried. There’s a pit in my stomach. I’m looking around trying to find my confidence. But the more I look the deeper the pit gets.
I force myself to sound confident. I go up and say hello to a few people. My voice starts out strong, but then it starts to waver. Everything I say sounds like a question. Hi? How are you? I’m good? Great party?…
I see this cute girl, and decide stuff it, I’ll go talk to her
Before I finish my sentence Cute Girl turns away to talk to Hot Friend. Hot girl conversation is a special language that is incomprehensible to computer geeks such as myself.
I hear something about Japan.
Me: Oh I just got back from Japan, it was epic.
“Oh awesome” Cute Girl replies, before immediately turning back to Hot Friend.”So anyway blah blah blah xoxoxo blah blah blah.”
I nod along stupidly for a few minutes and then leave. I don’t say goodbye to anyone. I don’t want to be seen. I am a ghost. I shall go home and hang my head in shame.
Beating myself up
After the party I go home and this is when I feel the worst. I start beating myself up. Cue thought loop of despair.
Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. We pay for our mistakes thousands of times. We make a mistake, we punish ourselves. And you’d think that would be enough, but every time we remember, we punish ourselves again, and again. – Adapted from Don Miguel Ruiz
The anxiety I feel at the party isn’t even that bad. What is 10 times worse is me beating myself up after.
So why am I beating myself up? How do I stop?
My unrealistic self image.
I’ve created this self image that I need to be a confident, charismatic guy all the time, and that if I don’t act confident, no one will like me. No one likes weak people.
The slight problem with this is that no one is confident all the time. And when I inevitably fail to live up to my own expectations, it causes me to question the foundations of my identity. Am I really a cool guy? or am I some loser who doesn’t know how to socialize? I hate weak people, and I hate myself when I am weak. I am only worthy of love when I meet my own standards.
So why did I feel like I need to act confident all the time?
This was ingrained in me from when I was a kid.
My family immigrated to Australia when I was five. I couldn’t speak a word of English. The other kids in school teased me. I learned from an early age that I needed to be confident and defend myself.
Also my parents were very critical.
Father would tell me:
You are selfish.
You are lazy.
Why are you so stupid?
And that I needed to study harder, speak confidently and above all: respect your father.
Father didn’t believe in praise. “If you’re already doing something well, there’s no need to point it out. I am here to point out all the things you are doing wrong, so you can improve”.
I grew up in a Chinese household with strong Confucian values. Confucius says you should criticize yourself in order to keep yourself in line – focusing on meeting the needs of others, instead of your own.
Because of all this criticism I learned from a young age that I am so bad and flawed that I have no right to be accepted for who I am. Only by being smart, considerate, and confident will I be loved.
But things are too complicated for us to be able to fully control either our external circumstances or our internal responses to them. Given that perfection is impossible, I come to expect that rejection is inevitable. – adapted from Kristen Neff
I slowly realize:
What if I don’t need to do anything in order to be loved?
What if:
We are perfect just the way we are
Zen master Seng-tsan taught that “true freedom is being without anxiety about imperfection.”
I gradually begin to accept that: sometimes I act awkward, other times I’m confident. There’s parts of my personality that I like, parts that I don’t like. But, at the end of the day I’m human, a unique individual. And I am learning to love and accept all parts of myself.
At this present moment: I feel a little anxious, a little depressed.
But hey I am still alive. Isn’t that wondrous?
How is it that I can see, hear and feel?
How is it that I’m conscious?
What magic runs this universe?
It may be luck? fate? god’s will?
Somehow the universe has aligned to gift me this experience of life.
What a miracle that is.
All the shit that goes on in my life is petty compared to the fact that:
I am alive
There is a life force that runs through all living things. Some people call it god. It is the creator, the enabler of life. It runs through all of us. God runs through us. We are life. We are god. We don’t need to do anything or achieve anything. We are already perfect. We are already worthy of love. Because love is the very essence of the life that runs through us. We are love.
Philosopher Alan Watts talks about how:
You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself
How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself anything less than a god?
Jesus Christ knew he was God. So wake up and find out who you really are. In our culture they’ll say you’re crazy and you’re blasphemous, and they’ll either put you in jail or in a nut house. However, if you wake up in India and tell your friends and relatives, ‘My goodness, I’ve just discovered that I’m God,’ they’ll laugh and say, ‘Oh, congratulations, at last you found out.’
Alan Watts describes how: we are God, we are already perfect. There’s no need to “achieve something beyond ourselves.”
The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.
We over analyze things and judge ourselves too harshly. This does not help us.
We really should stop judging ourselves since:
Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.
Embracing imperfection
Psychologist Dr Kristen Neff talks about how:
There isn’t anything wrong with the imperfection of life as long as we don’t expect it to be other than it is.
Our successes and failures come and go – they neither define us, nor do they determine our worthiness.
Happiness is not dependent on circumstances being exactly as we want them to be, or on ourselves being exactly as we’d like to be. Rather, happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.”
Carl Jung once wrote: “Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. -Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
Back to the party
A few months later, I got invited to another party by the same crowd. Part of me didn’t feel like going. But part of me doesn’t want to shy away from things that scare me. I like facing challenges, so I go.
As I’m driving over, the same feelings of nervousness and anxiety begin to fill my body. My lips are dry and my throat is stuck.
But unlike last time, I don’t feel like I need to act confident. I just let myself feel nervous. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
I get to the party. Everyone’s already chatting and no one notices me.
This time though, I don’t push myself to talk to people. I’m content being a ghost, moving through the crowd.
There’s that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach.
Staying present to the physical sensations of our emotions
I focus my attention on how my feelings feel and where they are in my body. I allow myself to experience my nervousness fully.
I notice how the heaviness in my belly rises and lifts with my breath. I notice the tightness in my throat extending to my eyes, surrounding them with tension like a clenched fist. I stay with the feeling around my eyes. They feel a little tired, heavy.
And then I realize that:
“Anxiety” doesn’t exist
It is just a word that humans make up. All that exists are physical sensations. Humans make up all the meaning in the world.
If we stop labeling emotions as positive or negative and just feel the physical sensations, we’d realize that they are not so bad after all. I don’t know about you, but “there’s some tightness in my throat” sounds a lot better than “I’m having a panic attack!”
Tara Brach talks about how:
Suffering = Pain*Resistance
The pain I’m feeling isn’t that bad, it’s just some tightness, and a sinking feeling. What’s causing me to suffer is the resistance that my mind puts up.
It’s not just the physicality of pain, it’s what our mind does with it. -Tara Brach.
Pain is like a gaseous substance. If you allow it to just be there, freely, it will eventually dissipate on its own. If you fight and resist the pain, however, walling it into a confined space, the pressure will grow and grow until there is an explosion. -Kristin Neff.
One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious, and the same may be said of guilt. -Alan Watts.
So I am standing in the corner of the party awkwardly smiling. I try to get comfortable with my social anxiety. I stop resisting.
“It’s ok to be nervous,” I tell myself.
Self compassion mantra
I repeat to myself a mantra that Kristen Neff uses:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.
Dr Neff explains:
Self-kindness involves more than stopping the constant self-judgement. It involves actively comforting ourselves.
It means we stop to say:
“This is really difficult right now. How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment?”
No matter how difficult things get, we can always wrap our torn and tattered selves in our own soft embrace. We can soothe our own pain.
We don’t need others to give us the care we crave. Because at the end of the day, who is the only person in your life who knows exactly how you feel? Knows your fears? Knows what you need most? And is available 24/7 to provide you with kindness? You.
I wrap my arms around my chest and embrace myself.
It’s ok to be nervous
Everyone gets nervous at times
No one is judging, and if they are, their opinion doesn’t matter
We are not in control of our emotions
I realize 4 that I can’t stop myself from feeling nervous. If I was in control of my emotions, then I would have already gotten rid of the neurotic, anxious and dark aspects of my personality and become a happy, cool jesus.
Clearly I am not in control, so there’s no need to judge myself so harshly.
Dr Jonathan Haidt describes us as a rider on the back of an elephant. The rider is our rational self; the elephant our emotional self.
Sitting on top of the Elephant, it seems like the Rider is the leader. But the Rider is in control only when the Elephant doesn’t have desires of its own.
The Elephant is way bigger than the Rider. So anytime the Elephant and the Rider disagree about which direction to go, the Rider is going to lose.
Here’s another analogy that explains how we’re not in full control of our minds:
Our subconscious mind is like a raging river with powerful currents. Our conscious mind is merely a little kayak on this river.
We can paddle hard against the current, but eventually we will end up getting swept to wherever the emotional currents take us.
I can try really hard to act confident. Fake it until I make it. But no matter how hard I try, underneath it all I’m still nervous, and people can sense that I am faking it. Eventually I will burn out and act all nervous again.
Accept our emotions
We can’t fight the current, so why try? just relax and go with it.
When we stop fighting the current and accept our emotions, we can learn to steer and ride the waves.
Trust yourself
Alan Watts describes how we need to trust our subconscious mind, and accept our emotions. If we don’t trust ourselves we’ll be paralyzed:
To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.
If you cannot trust yourself, you cannot even trust your mistrust of yourself – so that without this underlying trust in the whole system of nature you are simply paralyzed.
Taking action
So I’ve been standing in the corner of the party fidgeting with a paper cup for 30 minutes now. I come to accept my social anxiety and I realize something:
I can take action despite feeling nervous. I don’t need to feel confident in order to socialize. Confidence is overrated.
I go up to the closest guy:
My voice cracks and sounds squeaky. But I stop giving a damn.
Anxiety accepted. Nobody cares.
George responds warmly and we chat for a while.
Be genuinely interested in other people
I try to really listen to George as he speaks. I focus on being interested in him, instead of what he thinks of me. What’s George like? What’s his life story?
Hey I didn’t feel so nervous. I was too busy being interested in George.
I think people can sense it when we’re genuinely interested in them. It comes through in our vibe.
And being interested people is attractive. It is a lot more attractive than trying to act confident in order to impress people. Because it’s real.
Taking it easy
I continue going around the party talking to people.
I am learning to be gentle with myself. I set very low expectations. No need to be confident or have amazing conversations.
When I say hi to people, it doesn’t matter if they respond or not. If I say hi, then it’s mission accomplished. I win.
I imagined that I’m a bubble.
I want to gently and lovingly nudge myself into socializing.
I don’t want to try too hard because otherwise I will pop.
As I’m talking to people a curious thing happens.
Initially, I only feel comfortable making brief comments.
But soon after I get into a super interesting conversation with this girl, Lily:
The further I get into this conversation, the more I relax. The veil of anxiety starts to lift. Tightness in my throat loosens. The sinking feeling in my stomach goes away. It’s replaced by a calm buzz. I feel like a sports car that’s about to start a race, engines humming and ready to go a million miles.
As my confidence grows, it becomes easier for me to socialize. When I first arrived at the party, I felt stifled and restricted. I was too anxious to speak at length and struggled to find conversation topics. But now I feel at ease to say and do whatever I want. I let out my quirky side:
The conversation gets really good! Turns out, we have so much in common. We’re hanging off each others’ words and finishing each other’s sentences. It feels like we’re communicating telepathically, like voices in each other’s heads.
Lily and I walk around the room and she introduces me to some of her friends.
Seeing the social matrix
As I speak to Lily’s friends, I feel present. Nothing’s going on in my head. My awareness is focused solely on the present moment. I’m hyper aware of all my senses.
I feel like Neo in The Matrix. I can see the social matrix and bend it.
I can see the rhythm in the social interaction and jam to it. I’m coming up with perfect comments at just the right time, cracking jokes, laughing.
Words are just flowing out of my mouth. I am not producing the words. I’m like a fountain, the words are just arising and coming out of me.
Later, I don’t even remember what I talked about, all I remember is laughter and good vibes.
Socializing is like music
The tone of an interaction matters more than the words being said. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. The tone of voice, the body language. That’s why people with good energy can get away with saying almost anything. People love good vibes. It’s why Justin Bieber songs sound good even though his lyrics are terrible.
And singers don’t sound good straight away. They need to warm up. It’s just like how when we start socializing we feel anxious and stifled. But we warm up.
We start with some small talk. We feel more confident. We begin to relax, open up. And sooner or later we’re feeling the social rhythm. We’re harmonizing with everyone else, sharing the good vibes. We feel even more confident, become the life of the party, and take the melody to new heights.
I like to call this process of warming up:
The action loop of glory
The action loop only works when:
we accept our current emotions
we have no expectations.
If I started thinking How come I’m not confident yet? this will drive me to start worrying. Why am I not confident yet? I need to be confident and this starts the thought loop of despair.
If we accept how we feel and don’t have any expectations then we won’t have anything to worry about. The key is to keep acting and not get stuck in our heads.
And it doesn’t work all the time. Not everyone will respond well to us, and sometimes we won’t build up enough confidence to be completely free and expressive. But that’s okay. We don’t need to feel 100% confident all the time. Because:
Thank you, Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me. Thank you for giving me everything that I have ever truly needed. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind. Thank you for living inside me with all your love, with your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiant light. Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life. Amen. -Don Miguel Ruiz
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