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#I cannot fathom relationships built entirely on physical attraction
windlion · 4 years
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One of the things with reading fic is having it slapped upside your head how very NON universal the human experience is.  The whole “Some of you fuckers have so much serotonin”  but like, across the board.  Exhibit B, Thirst: Fic: An attractive character appears!  Look at those jeans they’re wearing, I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring, ooh baby, wanna get with ya’~
Me: Is . . . is this what normal people think???
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robynsheart · 4 years
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2019, thank you but definitely next.
2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.
Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.
I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.
My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.
There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.
I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).
I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.
It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)
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pool - a symbolic rant
I’m wearing this really fancy dress. Plastered in white and dressed with intricate lace, pearls dispersed throughout the silk. I have this crown made for royalty on my head, covered in diamonds that shoot off a million different rays of light. I look like a top-tier woman, making myself as displayable and possible for my potential male partner. The weird thing about all of this, besides the fact that I’m dressed up in wedding attire to attract a man, is that I’m actually in the setting of this gigantic pool. The pool is so enticing and inviting. The ripples looking so much more dazzling than the ones glued onto the frame of my crown. The underwater, looking so calming and quiet--something that I’m craving at this very moment, surrounded by such discord that is pleasing to the ears of the ones who wish to hear it. I don’t feel the need to drown, just the necessity to stay afloat.
So many suitors walk past, brushing a casual and suggestive kiss across my cheek. With each gesture, I conjure a smile of both devotion and promiscuity, two things that I cannot physically fathom in a natural sense. They don’t have ill will, nor do they necessarily look down upon me, but I cannot help but make excuses to not intertwine myself with one of them in bed, or merely a romantic relationship, in order to cover up the real truth.
I would be taking the risk of ruining of my parent’s money and hard work by jumping into the pool with all of these garments on. I would be horribly guilty, even though the desire to lather myself in purified water, to cleanse myself of lie and deceit, is overwhelming to the point of even more overbearing anxiety.
This is both a moral and practical issue--plunge into the pool, and you damage the materials woven into your breathtaking dress, also losing the fine jewels that cover your headpiece. Therefore, by even taking a dip into that body of water, you’ll disappoint your parents, your entire family, your friends, your school, your team, and, most hauntingly, yourself. You’ll never be able to take that outward expression back. If you publicly display what internally chokes you up, churns your stomach, and makes you profusely sweat, you’ll never know what true love will be.
Though, if that’s the case--that when I reveal my inner turmoil, that the ones who have been alongside me throughout my developmental stages will abandon me--does that even qualify as true love? True love, finding someone who intrigues you from the start, discovering that their personality sends you into way more of a swoon than you even thought was possible, that you eventually discover their said downfalls, that you sooner or later witness those hardships in real life with them, and that you stick it out with them like you’re they’re right arm, nonetheless. True love, that when you tell them things, you feel as if you’re talking to the sky, someone you know that will not judge you. Not because they’re not allowed to, but they feel no need to. That they see the real you and the cherish the rawness that manifests in the soul and emerges out of the mouth, hands, eyes, tears, moves of dance, bad habits, fears, favorite things, and in everything else that you never realized would make much difference to you knowing or not.
Suddenly, even though the thought of my parents’ adversity and frustration scares me to the core that they’ve assisted in creating, I recognize that this is what I’ve not only wanted, but needed all along. When you live in a pressure-filled situation, that pressure compounds the breath in your lungs, the ability for your brain to function normally, the bones that allow you to stand up straight, the muscles that allow you to fight your oppressors or understandably flee from them, and the entirety of your body that consistently reminds you you’re alive. I’m deprived from this atmospheric pressure that was put on me by the people who thought they knew me, like I was a character in a book and they relied on the author’s outside viewpoint, not mine, to determine where my life would lead me. I need to feel a new kind of pressure, an exciting pressure that pushes me to try the things that terrified me but were the right things for me in the end. The pressure that forces me to rip off the tape covering my mouth and speak my truth, no matter if it is more frightening for me to hear myself say it than it would be for my closest ones.
The only things separating the words “life” and “lie” are the letter “f” and fulfillment. Life is overflowing with potential fulfillment, as long as you live by you in the benefit of you and others. In other words, showing the world how the real you was created as empowers others to branch out, disregarding the horrific opposition that is prevalent in towns close and nations far.
If I can’t come to terms with myself, I’ll watch the life that I was meant to have flow by like a movie that I wish was real. I’m done being the critical audience to my biography. I need to be the fearless director that shows all of the nude scenes, the violence, the profuse swearing, all of the nitty-gritty that is typically pushed away into the category of “indie” and rarely ever makes the big screen.
The underwater light beckons me over to shine its glow onto my skin, so layered in plaster as to hide the beating body, which instinctively craves the love that every human rightfully deserves, inside of it. At this signal, I pace along the tiles, not one touched by a speck of water. Avoidance due to fear, fear due to avoidance. They are the same, and they are ultimately damaging.
I am standing at the brink of familiarity and the unknown. I have never touched the water before, but I know that I have always been drawn to it. I have always been curious about it, seeing it in the streets that my parents passed muttering, finding it on websites after I figured out how to turn off the child safety feature. I am wavering on the edge of who built me and of who loved me, but I can’t tell the difference.
At this, I fall forward. And, I have to tell you--falling never felt more like flying.
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