#I cannot WAIT until Friday when I can hand this motherfucker in and never see it again

[lukef]

strong like a diamond, you can’t break me

Friday 16 April 2021; Morning. You wake like any other morning. Your routine is as normal until you notice new tattoos along your arm. 

peaceful. everything is so..peaceful. luke is sitting in his open living room, one or two meters away from his kitchen table, which already has some fruit on it, ready to be sliced into a fruit salad. since the field trip with cassius his mana channels are rough, burned out, barely noticeable and luke is clever enough to not use them more (as if he could, anyways). instead, he’s meditating, for hours and hours. since airang, he has barely left the house, only for a few trips to check up on cassius. his back hasn’t healed fully yet, but it’s getting there. the fire elementalist uses the same method to meditate he’s used for asra, the one his grandfather taught him. his grandfather, he should probably visit him some time soon, he hasn’t seen him in a long-

there’s a small spark, one that emits one of his left finger tips and he looks down immediately, both confused and relieved, just to-

Instead of the Q you drifted asleep inked on your arm, a J is now present. Further down you see the Initials KH and three arrows pointing down. This represents the current state of your favor with Ace Kang Harold, Head of the Academy.

“oh, for fuck’s sake.”

luke looks up, then down again, as if that would remove the disgrace that seemingly appeared over night. the q has become a j, jack of diamonds, definitely not something he likes to see. it’s been years since he’s been at this point, years since he..

there’s not one, not two, but three arrows pointing down, down in the direction of his wrist, in the direction of-

Before you exit your home, a letter is delivered from Ace Harold. 

there’s a letter laying right in front of his door, has been slipped through the slit right in time, right before he was about to stand up and get ready for work.

It states: Luke, Your diminished capabilities and standing in society make you unfit to hold such an esteemed position within the illustrious institution that is our Academy. To have its honor marred with one filled with such scandal hurts not only our pride but distracts the pupils we are tasked with nurturing. And what use is a instructor who is now a cautionary tale. Of course, I have always been proud of your work with our students but parents are concerned. I am placing you on a brief suspension, with partial pay. For the time being, you are barred from entering the halls of our Academy.  Please use this time to consider the ethics we aim to instil in our pupils and detour the path you’ve taken to becoming a cautionary tale. Sir Harold

“your diminished capabilities? your standing in society? he has got to be kidding me. my standing in society is perfectly fine..!” he’s neither mad nor sad, he’s simply confused. he hasn’t been doing good, obviously, but this is not something he’s expected. luke is a proud queen, was a proud queen, he immediately corrects himself. it’s the stupid scandal, he tells himself, that stupid fucking rumor just because i wanted to help asra. does he regret it? hell fucking no. he hasn’t fully processed the seriousness of the situation yet, hasn’t realized what this means, hasn’t thought of the further consequences this might have.

and then, it happens.

first, there’s ambers in his veins, seething and burning ash right in his core. the temperature rises and rises, gets higher and hire until it’s fire, blazing and destructive fire and it travels higher and higher until it is pulsing underneath his skin. when he finally realizes that he’s not able to let the fire escape, that it’s ebbing out in the burned out mana channels he lets his anger out by punching his kitchen table, hard.

it slowly cracks, until it breaks into two halves, with all the fruit tumbling down and hitting the kitchen floor. he’s barred from entering the academy halls and there’s nothing he can do about it. nothing. and for what reason? for a simple rumor of him sleeping with one of his students - a rumor that was probably spread by glory ass himself, zuihuo juoi. zuihuo fucking joui, his radiance that luke would gladly like to radiate into some glacier in the alps so he can melt them down with his golden fucking fairy whatever. his anger should be directed at harold. and the second he thinks about him-

luke’s grandfather is a man that appears much less older (around 59 he says, around 65 or even older luke says) than his actual age. he’s going to be 151 in october, on october 25 to be exact. fifty years to go, he usually jokes around. like luke has lost his mother, he has lost his daughter only a few weeks ago. he seems to be doing fine, but luke knows for a fact that he just pretends and even he suffers from loosing so many people. “how were you able to forget your wife?” luke once asked him on a cozy evening, to which he simply replied to, “oh, the one that stole your heart better be pretty.” leaving luke exactly with what he expected. nothing. but now, his grandfather carefully reads through the letter luke just handed him. the younger elementalist is nervously prancing through the house (rather, the kitchen), hands crossed behind his back so he doesn’t have to see the new tattoos. 

after about fifteen minutes of silence, his grandfather holds a piece of paper in his direction. luke takes it.

“ dear motherfucker kang harold.

i hereby want to inform you that my foot will be going up your ass in meantime grandson parker luke is by all means a very responsible and way more tolerable persona than you are. he would never dare to lay hands on a student unlike you you stupid cunt. especially not ryu asra because that fire elementalist hobo cannot even take care of himself  who recently suffered from private issues. given the circumstances with his parents, the suspension is reasonable and more than just good for his health. however, banning him from entering academy territories is unreasonable, especially while his mana channels still aren’t functioning. you’re lucky they are not, or some houses in diamond territory would have been wiped out today. you would have deserved it, stupid stone face stonehenge monkey of an elementalist. i kindly ask you to rethink your decision and you better do because if not, i’m going to-”

the letter takes an abrupt end. luke slowly looks up, a rather concerned luke splattered across his face. “you’re not sending a letter.” going to his grandfather’s house is the first thing he thought of. there’s probably no one else that knows him better, has been with him through all the things he’s been through. he knows how to get him to calm down, knows what gets his fire going in the right direction. “and you’re not asking him for a duel just because of this. i think it’s only a warning for now, a warning to behave like they want me to.” the thought of punching something becomes more and more prominent with every word he says.

“i could-”

“no, grandpa.”

luke still doesn’t know how to feel about the whole situation. it’s a massive change (even if it doesn’t seem like it) and he still hasn’t gotten his fire back. it might take months, weeks, but he hopes for the best. he simply knows one thing, he doesn’t like the change. not at all.

so, he decides to write a letter back.

“ sir harold,

i send this letter regarding yours i received this morning. as an explanation, your wording is what makes me reply in form of this letter. 

i wonder how a simple rumor has led to having you think of me as a cautionary tale. i have been working at the academy for years and my grandfather is also no stranger to you. i only heard about the rumor from his radiance, zuihuo joui, at the yeon nen ball for highrankers.

the reason i was met up with asra once offside campus hours is the following: the student was suffering from a heavy depressive episode and completely disregarded classes. i wanted to make sure that neither he or someone else is in danger, given i already had experience with emotional outbursts including fire in my earlier years. after making sure he was fine, i gave him a quick catch up for lessons. i never contacted him with a purpose other than that. 

although there is nothing to worry about, i completely understand your reasons and will wait for further instructions in the future. i will stay absent from the academy as long as you want me to.

thank you for letting me clarify, i hope to see you again soon.

best regards, 

luke parker”

as soon as he gets his fire back, luke knows what’s going to happen.

fenris is going to happen.

*

mentioned: @croupiex @zuihuojoui

#* behind the hourglass: solo. #plot drop #oh boy here we go again HES BACK YALL #i'm gonna write something more about his emotional feelings in the next few days after he has fully processed what just happened #i didnt proofread this why would i #submission

[christophcalledbingo]

The Guessing Game (Dr. King Schultz fic)

I’m not a native speaker of English (I am in fact Spanish), but I do try my best, so forgive me if there is any mistake. I’m also learning German because procrastinating by doing other things rather than college stuff is my jam. I think I’m going to do a second part of this, so I hope you like the first one!

Dr. King Schultz x original female character. 

Warnings: hints of depression, some verbal abuse and attempt of physical abuse and a lot of swearing.

Translations: 

Gute Nacht Fraulein - Good night darling

Sprichst du Deutsch? - Do you speak German?

Bitte - Please

Ja - Yes

Danke - Thank you

Dr. King Schultz is not mine (I wish, duh!)

Another night of pouring drinks for a living. I could not imagine that my life would turn out like this when first I arrived to America with my parents when I was a child. Now I’m completely alone and in a very urgent need of money, so I thought I could handle two jobs… I’m not going to lie, it’s actually pretty difficult being a teacher by day and bartender by night. You might be wondering how I ended up being a bartender, me, a woman. Well, nobody else wanted to do it so there was no objection for me take the part. It is very tiring job and most customers behave like pigs. Some nights I can handle it, other nights I just cry myself to sleep. It’s ok though, I do it for the kids. 

It is a lively Friday night, everybody is out. Being the only tavern open in such a small town is both convenient and a mess. A few bottles are thrown, many spits are being missed and a few tables are being turned in angry poker disputes. Being surrounded by so much uncontrolled testosterone gives me massive headaches, I wish I could go out for a smoke, but today there is nobody than can cover me at the bar. Suddenly someone catches my eye, a stranger enters through the door. I remember every face in this town and no many outsiders come here, but he is in fact a stranger, and quite handsome if I say so myself. He catches me looking at him and I blush slightly. He gets closer to the bar and I can see him clearly now. He looks physically mature but in his eyes look very young, and with a hint of trouble. Blue, brown and green. As if his eyes were a cup of green tea that had been sweetened with brown sugar, and in their reflection I could see a very blue and beautiful sky. He has a very well trimmed greyish beard and mustache, which actually frames his face in a very nice way. I think he is not American and when he opens his mouth my doubts are solved. 

“Gute Nacht, Fraulein.” German, huh. It’s been years since I’ve talked to another European, this is going to be interesting. 

“Good evening to you too, what can I get you?” I say, trying to make him notice that I understood him. 

“Oh! Sprichst du Deutsch?”

“A bit, I can understand it better than I can speak it though.” I feel like I just made a fool of myself, but at least it was a nice icebreaker. 

“So, you are not German, but I can tell than you are not American either.” He is very charming...

“What gave it away?”

“Not many Americans know German, I just took a wild guess.” He is very charming indeed. “From where in Europe are you from?”

“Try to guess” I say with a grin in my face, trying not to laugh. “Oh, wait…”

“Yes?” He says, looking directly at my eyes.

“You didn’t tell me what do you wanted to drink, let me fix it up for you while you guess.” He smiles warmly. 

“Pale ale, bitte.” That hint of German in the end makes my legs shake. 

“Right up!” I say, trying to hide the fact that I’m actually shaking. 

“So, you don’t have an American accent, that’s for sure. You are more like from the south, from the Mediterranean?” 

“Ja!” 

“You’re way of moving is quite rhythmical, not like an Italian though…”

“Nein.” As I say this, a drunk guy comes right at me, right when I’m in the middle of serving the ale, and grabs my hand from the other side of the counter. 

“DaMN! YoU are BEautifuL!” He is grabbing tighter, fingernails and all. I drop the glass, half full of bear, due to the pain.

“Please, let me go…” I say, trying to hold back my tears from the pain, my wrist is starting to bleed. 

Before I can say anything else, the handsome stranger grabs the drunk from the neck, but the latter is not letting me go, in fact he is grabbing tighter, and the wound gets deeper. 

“Let her go.”  Says the stranger with a very deep voice. 

“HeY HoN, Do YOu WanT to Go TO thE BAck aNd SuCk mY-”

Before he finishes that sentence, the stranger grabs the arm that was around my wrist and twists it, I hear a pop and then I’m free.

“MOTHERFUCKER! YOU BROKE MY ARM!” The pain must have made him sober all of a sudden.

“Next it’s going to be your nose if you don’t shut your mouth. I don’t tolerate the rude, even less when it involves hurting others.” He looks at me while I’m trying to stop the bleeding from my wrist. 

Everybody in the tavern is looking at us, not as if they want to start a fight, but as if they were amazed by the stranger, myself included. 

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!” My boss shouts as he appears from the other side of the room. 

“Sir, she has been hurt, I’m taking her to her home.” The stranger said, while helping me to get up.

“No way, I don’t have-” He shuts in an instant when he sees the other guy’s arm.

“What did you do to him?! Are you insane?! He is a client!”

“And she is your employee.”

“I’m going to call the sheriff!”

“Do it, call him…” I don’t know why, but the stranger is smiling. 

“Tom, go tell Sheriff Cooper that we need him, immediately.” And there goes Tom.

“I just got one question for you.” Says the stranger. 

“Huh? The fuck are you saying?”

“Are you Mr. Frank Last?” Why is he-

“Yes, I am. Why are you asking, old man?” Then, the handsome stranger looks at me, smiling.

“Let me introduce myself. I’m Dr. King Schultz, travelling dentist and bounty hunter. And you, my friend, have a price for your head: for breaking, entering and stealing on multiple houses, north of the river.”

“Wait, how the fu-”  He cannot finish his sentence. The strange- the doctor is so quick that I didn’t even notice that he had his gun out. He puts a bullet on my boss's right leg, making him fall to his knees.  

“AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! SON OF A BITCH! YOU FUCKING SHOT ME!” There is blood all over the floor.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!!!!!” Sheriff Cooper is at the door, looking at all the mess. The doctor helps me to get to the sheriff, but he looks very calmed, which is a very huge contrast if we take into consideration the ambiance of the bar: tense as fuck. 

“Ah! You must be Sheriff Cooper. My name is King Schultz and I’m here to recover the bounty for Mr. Frank Last, a delinquent that has 500$ on his head.”

“What?!” The sheriff looks genuinely puzzled. 

“He is a criminal.” He hands a wanted poster of my boss’s face to the sheriff. “And also, that guy over there was trying to hurt this lovely lady.” With tears still in my eyes I look at the sheriff and nod. The sheriff sighs.

“Ok people, this establishment is closed until further notice.” Everybody shouts and screams, but there is nothing they can do about it. 

...

The handsome doctor asks me where I live, and I just tell him, no doubts or hesitations, I just want to get home. We enter my cold and tiny home and he asks me for a first aid kit or any supplies that may help to cure my wounds. I tell him that everything he might need is in the bathroom, and so he leaves me alone in my kitchen. 

“Got it!” He shouts in the distance after a couple of minutes. 

As he examines my wound, I look at his face, which is truly focused on my hand. I see his eyes flickering with excited concentration.

“That detestable man had dirt on his nails and now the wound is infected.” Of course it is, all the bad stuff happens to me.

“You said you were a dentist, right?”

“Ja”

“Isn’t curing wounds more of a ‘doctor doctor’ thing?” He bursts into laughter. 

“Of course, but you do not start working in the bounty hunter business if you don’t know how to cure a basic wound.” I just made a fool of myself, again. “And also, dentists also need to know how to cure wounds. If you saw the kind of mouths I’ve seen, truly disgusting.” As he says this, he starts to disinfect, and I try my best to hold the pain.

“...Spanish”

“Huh?”

“I’m from Spain, but I moved here with my family when I was very young.”

“How interesting, I’ve never been to Spain… Is it nice there?”

“I don’t remember much, but I do remember the nature, the sun and the breeze. Much more steady than here, that’s for sure.”

“It sounds lovely.” He has finished to cure my wound and has putted a bandage on my wrist to protect it from further infection.

“By the way, the name is Clara, Clara Valle. However, everybody is so funny around here that they call me ‘Claire of the Valley’.”

“But… we are on a mountain?”

“It makes no sense, I know. It’s just the literal translation of my surname”

“Well, Clara, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He grabs the hand that is not injured and kisses my palm, I blush a lot. No one has never been such a gentleman to me, I quite like it. 

“The pleasure is mine. How should I call you? Is Dr. Schultz ok?”

“Just call me King, if you want of course.”

“Danke, King.” He turns away as if is looking for something, when in truth he is hiding the fact that he is blushing. I can see it in his ears, they are completely red.

“For what?”

“Saving me? Curing the wound? I don’t know, you name it. Most of the times working at the tavern is bearable, but it’s nice to know that someone has your back.” I say, looking at the ground. Half ashamed that I needed help today, half happy that it was him who came to the rescue. 

“You don’t have to thank me, it was the least I could do. They were behaving like neanderthals, absolutely detestable.”

“I couldn’t even serve you your drink!”

“That is the least of your worries. Being completely honest, I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.” Oh my Lord, is he flirting with me? I just stay in silence, I don’t know what to say… If I open my mouth it would be to press it against his, but that is a very bold move. I just met him! I don’t know if he finds me attractive enough, no one ever does... “Well, I should get going then.”

“Wait! You could sleep here if you don’t have anywhere to do it. My sofa is quite comfortable. I could sleep in it and you could sleep in my bed. It’s the least I can do…” I stop talking when I realise that he is smiling, a very wide smile, and that he is looking at me in the eyes. “I’m so sorry if that was inappropriate! I was raised that way, I’m very direct!” I’m practically shouting because of the embarrassment. 

“I can see that, but don’t worry. I will go to the inn and stay there for a few nights, preparing for my next travel.”

“Oh…” It was obvious, but somewhere inside of me hoped that he would stay.

“Well, if there is nothing else you need help with-”

“Actually, I cannot move my hand very well as you can imagine. Could you help me untie my corset?” I say, while I grab my hair and show him my back.

He says nothing, he just gets close to me and starts to undo the knots of the corset. It is convenient that I’m no facing him, because my face is red once again. I can feel his breath in my neck. I also feel like fingers brushing my back intentionally, but I’m a bit scared of my own feelings, so I just ignore it. I do everything I can to hide my face and my intentions until he finishes.

“There you go, glad that I was able to provide some further assistance. Goodbye then, dear Clara.” He says, while looking at the floor.

“King, could we meet before you leave town?” He raises his head and he looks at me while I hold my loose corset to my chest.

“Of course. In fact, I can look for you tomorrow. We could go for a cup of coffee, if you want.”

“That would be truly delightful.”

#dr king schultz #christoph waltz #django unchained #fanfic

[urdearestmom]

Roller Skates & Good Boys

The boys go roller skating!

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355978

“Potter.”

A poke.

“What?”

“You know what they opened? Beside the Costco?”

“No, I don’t.”

“A place for skating!”

“This is the desert.”

“Not that kind of skating, durak. On wheels.”

“Roller skating?”

“Yes!”

“Boris, it’s the middle of the night.”

Boris frowns. “Why so stupid, Potter? I don’t mean now.”

He does not speak about it again until a week after. Is Friday evening and pair of them are stretched out on Theo’s bed, passing a joint back and forth. No one else is home, but is no different from usual. Boris thinks is great.

“Hey,” he says, turning over to face Theo.

Theo blows smoke at the ceiling. “Yeah?”

“I want to go to the skating place.”

Theo does not say anything for a moment. Then, “Why?”

“Why not?” Boris sits up. “I have never skated not in winter, and you know I hate winter. In Ukraine is horrible.”

“I’ve never roller skated,” Theo answers despondently.

Boris slaps him. “Then what you are waiting for? Tonight, we do it.”

He says it with an air of finality, the way he is sitting projecting change my mind.

“Alright,” Theo agrees. “When does it close?”

Boris waves a hand dismissively. “Does not matter, Potter. We are not paying, anyway.”

“Wow. What an upstanding citizen.”

“So today you are not being asshole, ok.”

Theo almost chokes with a garbled laugh. “Says you!”

Boris raises a fist in a mock threat. “Take that back, pizdobol!”

“Fuck you, Boris.”

The rink closes at eleven, Boris knows. He checked. By this time, both he and Theo are completely wasted and they have smoked at least two more joints, but it maybe was three. He decides that after midnight is the perfect time. Probably no one will be there, and if there is, so what? Who has fucks to give?

Theo is sleeping like a baby, on his side with Popchyk curled up under his arm. Boris almost does not want to wake him, but they are going to this place whether Theo likes it or not. Except Boris knows he has a soft spot for this boy and it is bad sometimes; like when Theo drinks too much and smokes too much and wants to jump off the roof or lie in the street or dry out in the sand and there is nothing Boris can do except stop him.

This is why Boris falls asleep too. He jolts awake in the middle of night, Theo shaking him. “Wake up, you fuck.” Popchyk lies between them, sniffing the air around Boris’ knee.

“What is it?”

Theo has a look in his eyes that says to Boris, I am going to do something crazy. Sometimes Boris likes that look, it sparks something in him that he does not know what is. Other times it scares him, because Theo gets that look right before he does something stupid crazy like jump off roof of his house into the pool.

“Aren’t we going to the roller rink? I don’t want to be in this house right now,” Theo says, already getting off his bed. He is putting on pants and Boris is staring. He does not want Theo to see him looking, so he looks at clock instead.

2:43, it says. “Potter, is middle of the night. We can go another day, come sleep,” Boris answers, patting the warm empty space beside him.

Theo glares. “You said we were going, so now we’re going.” He walks out of the room and Boris scrambles to follow.

The CAT bus does not run so late, so Boris and Theo are walking. The desert is cool at night, but never cold. Is good, because Boris hates cold but also the sun.Theo pulls out a cigarette and lights it, inhaling before offering. Boris refuses, pulling out of his own pocket a small flask.

“What’s in that?” Asks Theo.

Boris grins. “What do you think?”

“Vodka?”

Still grinning, Boris taps Theo’s forehead. “Smart boy, Potter.”

Theo smacks his hand away and rolls his eyes.

Forty-five minutes later they are still walking, but is not far now. Boris has a thought.

“Potter, I am thinking.”

“That’s dangerous.”

“Past’ zabej! I was only going to ask if you ever think about fact that milk is really tit juice.”

Theo turns slowly to look at Boris, who is staring directly at him.

“Well?” He asks. Waiting is not a strong suit of his, especially not when is such an obvious question as this.

“What the motherfuck, Boris?”

Boris throws his hands up. “Is true! Come on, only have to think a little to see.”

Theo just shakes his head and keeps walking. There are times when Boris wonders what does Theo think of him. Is he just other boy? Is he brother? Is he friend? Is he more? Some nights, he thinks is more. He does not say, because he knows Theo is afraid. He can feel it. Other times he wonders what does he think of Theo. Nights when they are not together, when he is alone in his house or with Kotku, Boris feels strange. Almost like he does not know who he is. Kotku is fun, what he does with her is fun, but he knows is not forever. He does not get lost in the time with her like he does when he is with Theo. He is not sure what it means, but he thinks he might know.

Is complicated.

They are standing in front of the skating place, looking at it. Door is locked, Boris can see from here. Theo spits on the ground and sticks his hands in his pockets. “So what now?”

Boris spreads his hands. “Is time to break in, my friend.”

Soon they are inside. Boris knows how to pick locks, so always he has something to do it with. Is dark, but such is expected. Place is closed, after all. Theo turns on a light and points to some strange looking things inside holes in the wall. Cubbies? Is that what they are called? Theo takes out a pair and throws them at Boris, barely missing his face. They land on his feet and it hurts.

“Govno! What the fuck?”

“Do those fit your feet?”

“You scare me, Potter.”

They do. How Theo knows what size shoe Boris wears, Boris does not know. But he does not care. Is not important. He takes a last drink from his flask and gives the rest to Theo. They have to be good and wasted, since some of the alcohol from earlier went away when they slept. Now Boris looks at the rink itself, thinking how he is going to get himself on it. He is standing there staring when Theo falls past him right onto the floor.

Theo starts to giggle and Boris laughs with him until they both cannot breathe from so hard laughing. Theo looks up at Boris and smiles. “You were right,” he says. “Boris, you were right!”

“I am always right, Potter.”

“But milk really is just tit juice!” And he laughs again.

Is a whole entire minute before Theo stops laughing and turns over to get up, grabbing the railing of the rink to pull himself. He is a little wobbly when he stands and Boris thinks he looks like a bambi. But bambis are cute, so it is ok. Zamovkny, Borya!

Theo starts to roll away and Boris does not want him to go alone, so he follows. He is also a little wobbly, but he thinks he is not so bad. He is not as wasted as Theo, he knows he handles alcohol better, but still he knows he is drunk. Such is the life of an alcoholic son of two alcoholics.

“You’re going to fall, Potter!” He calls to the boy ahead.

“Fuck you!” He hears back. It makes him smile, and then laugh because Theo falls again on his ass right after. Boris stops laughing soon because he cannot stop rolling forward and Theo cannot get off the ground, so Boris falls on top of him.

“Maybe we should go together,” he suggests with a dark laugh.

Theo shoves him off. “That’s gay, Boris,” he huffs, struggling to get back to his feet.

“So what!” Boris exclaims, all suddenly angry. All he wants is for Theo not to hurt himself! “There is no one here to give a fuck.”

“I give a fuck,” Theo says, and he skates away. Is all of three seconds before he falls again, leaving Boris on the floor behind him roaring with laughter.

“Comrade has fallen!” He yells, staring at a crack in the ceiling. Why there is already a crack in the ceiling if this place is new, he asks himself. It is one of those things about America that he thinks he might never understand. It is everywhere, the crack. In their brains. In their government. In their society. Why is everything ok if America does it? There is no explanation. Boris thinks he will never have an answer.

He sits up and watches Theo until he gets all the way around back to where Boris is and stops. Theo glares. “Are you going to skate or not? You’re the one who wanted to come here.”

Boris looks up, squinting. “I have decided is not for me.”

“You made me walk all the way out here and now you don’t want to skate.”

“Me? I told you to come sleep! But you are all, no, Boris, we go now! And you leave, and here we are.”

Theo sits down, heavy. “I’m tired,” he says. His voice sounds small, but is slurred. “Can we go home?”

Boris throws an arm around him, pulling him close. “Potter, we have only been here for ten minutes.”

“Does it look like I give a fuck?”

Instead, Boris gets up and brings Theo with him. “Come, we are going together and then we can go home.”

Takes them five minutes because they fall over each other maybe seven times and they skate slow and shaky, but finally they are done. Boris feels warm when he looks at Theo. He is smiling a little bit, maybe he forgot that he is still holding Boris’ hand but Boris is not going to remind him.

They have an hour of walking ahead and dragging a drunk Theo through the desert is hard, but Boris has done it before and he will do it again, no doubt. He thinks he would do anything for the boy under his arm, maybe even kill a man. If there is one thing Boris wants to do in his life, it is keep Theo safe and happy.

Boris thinks Theo is like a lamp, one like in that movie Aladdin but without the magic blue man inside. Boris polishes all the time, trying to keep it clean, but sometimes it gets dark and there is nothing he is able to do but polish harder and hope for best situation. He is scared that one day he will wake up and the lamp will be black, because then he will never be able to see himself again.

Popchyk is still on Theo’s bed when they get back, jumping off excitedly when he sees them. “Good boy staying here, Snaps,” Boris says as he dumps nearly unconscious Theo on the mattress. “You are very good boy, Popchyk.”

Popchyk nuzzles into Boris’ hand before he goes back to Theo. Boris looks at them for a moment before he gets into bed too. “Good night, Pops.”

He holds his breath for another moment. “Good night, Potter.” He turns over.

#roller skates & good boys #urdearestmom #the goldfinch #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #fanfiction #boreo #reblog if you like it please!! #trying to bring attention to it #thanks

[adambstingus]

Seriously Gross: 19 True Tales Of Horrifying Bathroom Emergencies

1.Shark Attack Survivor

“There’s nothing worse than walking down a street, minding your own business, when you feel the sticky warmth of blood running down your legs, safe in the knowledge that you have forgotten to pack any sanitary products, and recently spent the entirety of your money on christmas presents. By the time I made it to a bathroom to stuff tissue in my underwear, I looked like the survivor of a shark attack.”

2.A Personal Nightmare

“This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.

I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. Haul ass to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate. I duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn’t.

I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell. It is food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food…. I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad, the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my fucking eyes out. The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a fucking terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will shit myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over, because fuck you for drinking for two straight days motherfucker. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady’s face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and Aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking shit. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare.

I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.”

3.Ice Scraper

“When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited & waited & waited but my dad never came… so I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it hahaha.”

4.India

“Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends.

One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination.

I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place.

Shitting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation.

I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm.”

5.The Eastern-Style Toilet

“I was a 15 year old exchange student in Thailand. After a week of eating the local food without allowing my body to adjust from its natural Canadian habitat I found my self to be relatively constipated. One day I was traveling through a remote Thai village when I got a sudden urge to empty my bowels. Understandable considering I hadn’t shit in a week.

I asked a local to point me to a bathroom, and after a few minutes of ass-clenching and waddling I found the entrance to a Thai-style bathroom. Now anyone who has ever used a Thai Toilet will realize that it can be very intimidating if never seen before. I, coming from a western country, had NO idea how to use this, and if I could have waited until I reached a western style excrement removing device, I would have. Alas, the urge was too strong, and I commenced squatting.

I proceeded to unleash a hurricane of spicy-diarrhea stew into the dry toilet. A solid-liquid spray lasting for 15 or more seconds. After substantially loading up the toilet, I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around for toilet paper.

Well what do you know, there wasn’t any. Apparently you are supposed to bring your own ass wiping device, and I hadn’t known. The only 2 objects that could be utilized to help clean my drain-pipe were a grungy looking loofah and my hand. Opting to not risk contracting some ass-communicable foreign disease from the loofah, I proceeded to use my hand to wipe up the slimy somewhat chunky mixture and rinsed it off under the tap.

Some may be shocked about how nonchalantly I just cleaned myself, but let me explain: I was DESPERATE. I felt like shit, I was panicking, and I had no idea what I was doing. So at that point it was an everything goes deal.

After wiping I guessed I was supposed to fill the bowl with the water from the bucket, so I did. However, my recent recipe of goulash had rendered draining the water (no flushing) impossible, so it ended up just filling to the top with murky brown stinky water.

By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just decided ‘fuck it’ and opened the door to go outside…

And was greeted by a LINE of 8-13 year olds. I had apparently used a local school bathroom without realizing it, and they had just started their break. I turned bright red and just high tailed it out of there, leaving behind a steaming bowl of shit soup, a horrendous smell of partly digested chicken and pork, and a gaggle of middle school Thai kids.

Never felt so guilty and disgusted before… but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food.”

6.Crying And Pooping

“If you don’t know anything about menses, let me preface this by stating that the first day of the cycle is often the worse, and most girls get the shits while on their period.

About two and a half years ago, I had just spent the night at my boyfriend’s apartment. I’m sleeping soundly in his arms when my stomach rumbles so loudly that it wakes me up. I feel the familiar pain of period cramps, but they’re nearly 10 days early, so I dismiss it as a side effect of my boyfriend’s sizable penis. He’s still sleeping pretty soundly and we’re in the spooning position; I don’t want to wake him by moving, so I lay there for a while while my abdomen cramps. I have to fart and decide that I can get away with it…

HUGE MISTAKE

My brand new boyfriend wakes up to the sensation of something warm and wet on his dick. The smell doesn’t hit us until he lifts up the covers to investigate… it is a delightful mixture of poo and pennies. Apparently I covered his junk in a light spattering of both shit and period blood. I am on the side of the bed against the wall; he gets up so I can run to the bathroom. I sit up and the blood just pours out of me. On the mattress, the sheets… it’s just everywhere…

We sprint to the bathroom together and he starts the shower while I destroy his toilet. I have never, ever shit in front of someone before. I’m traumatized, just crying and pooping and pouring blood all at the same time. By the time I flushed the toilet, I’ve decided that I can never see him again.

And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me ‘shit happens,’ then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him.”

7.*Shudder*

“I lived in the country and would eat a lot of raw vegetables when I was very young (6-12).

I started losing weight for some reason and my parents just thought it was because I was in a growth spurt or something.

Then for 2 weeks I felt really bad, went to the doctor he gave me some anti-parasite meds and sent me home.

He failed to mention that I would be passing a humungous tape worm later that week and I freaked out when I was mid shit and could see this dark black snake looking thing coming out of my ass.

I finished crapping but this thing wouldn’t come all the way out so I had to reach back and pull it the rest of the way out. (Gag!)

I didn’t tell anyone about it for years.”

8.The Honeymooners

“On my way back from my Honeymoon I had decided to stop at a Taco Bell. Mind you this was a in the back woods of Kentucky Taco Bell Express. The Chili Cheese Burrito being my favorite I didn’t even look at the menu and ordered away. Then he proceeded to tell me: “We don’t have any deep fryers.”

At the time the big campaign was the 1 pound burrito. So assuming that’s what I wanted he sold me two. What I walked out with somewhat resembled burritos, and weighed a fuck ton more than 2 pounds. The wife took one look and said no, and decided she wasn’t hungry anymore. I inhaled mine…

After getting on the highway again, the bubble-gut hit me. Of course the next exit is SEVERAL miles down the road. By the time we get to the next off ramp I’m doing the anal butt clench of death, and I shit you not there’s the oldest fucking lady driving an old jalopy 2 miles an hour down the off ramp.

When I finally pull off to run inside the only place to stop here drum roll a Taco Bell. I stop yell ‘GET THE KEYS!,’ and race inside, past a crew of kids waiting to clean the restrooms, slam the stall door, drop trow, and let loose the most foul smelling shit storm I never thought possible. It was BAD BAD BAD BAD BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. After cleaning up, of course I failed to do a courtesy flush and it starts coming up after me.

So I do the due diligence and RUN THE FUCK OUT! Of course the wife is now inside ordering her Taco Bell (OH FUCK NO!) and the kids start walking into the bathroom (OH FUCKING HELL!)…

I sternly (read that as a demand) tell her: ‘WE NEED TO MOVE NOW!’

Got back in the car and raced away…

In the rear view, yes I saw the kids running out of Taco Bell after me.”

9.I Love Peppers!

“When I first moved to China, a group of really attractive Chinese girls that worked for our company decided to take me out to lunch before my first “welcome to x company induction” class that evening. I wanted to make a good impression and be like all cool and stuff. So we’re at the restaurant, and they tell me that originally they’re all from Sichuan province (known for its spicy food) and they ask if I like spicy food. Sure I say, the hotter the better. I’m really only trying to impress them, but i figure how hot can it be? So I tell them to order it as spicy as it can get, I love peppers!, i want to eat it like they do, and some other idiotic stuff. They’re impressed and they order this meal that is literally coated in tiny shriveled dark red peppers. It was hot and it brought tears to my eyes, but I put on a good show and ate everything.

A few hours later, I’m sitting in this orientation class, and my stomach rumbles and immediately i can feel the taste of the peppers in my mouth again and I feel like if a bathroom were present, i could make use of it. I look at the clock and see I still have 45 minutes and it would be insanely rude to get up and leave. So i just decide to wait and concentrate on the lecture.

About 15 minutes later, I am UNCOMFORTABLE and squirming around. I pass a bit of gas quietly to help relieve the pressure and it felt someone lit a match on my bunghole and the smell was instantly suffocating. One of those omg, no warning, blitzkrieg on the nose, bury your face in your shirt and lynch the guy responsible types. Nobody figured out it was me but by this point i am in agony. I have 10 minutes to go and im almost sweating. My bunghole feels like Mount Doom and Im afraid its going to start leaking sulphuric acid.

Finally the class is dismissed and as professional as I can, hurry quickly to the mens room (which looked like this) As I rush in and begin to very loudly take care of business, my cell phone rings. This was back in the day when having ringtones were still cool. Mine at the time i had this painful incident? Ring of Fire

A few days later I was telling a buddy about my new found allergy to peppers and he’s like ‘yep when you eat it, you think about it hot going in, but never how hot it will be coming out.’”

10.‘It Sounds Like You Spilled Water Or Something’

“19 years old and staying at my Dad’s house for the weekend. I had come down with a stomach bug and was on the toilet every 5 minutes all afternoon just pushing this horrible liquid mess out of me.

At one point I run in and sit down quickly to let out whatever leviathan was next in line to escape my body, when I get that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that I WILL be throwing up soon. My mouth is watering, the back of my throat is dropping, and I’m searching for a proper receptacle. I find a small mesh garbage can, but I don’t want to make “a mess” so I figure I’ll jump off the toilet, turn around vomit into it, then jump back on and finish the shitting aspect.

Pretty straightforward – so now I’m kneeling in front of my toilet with my pants down as my gut clenches up with the first waves of vomit.

At the very instant I started vomiting every muscle in my body started clenching up and 3 gallons of liquid poopy sauce erupts from my ass all over my Dad’s bathroom.

I turn around and notice I have covered the entire wall, floor, rug, and even have hit parts of the ceiling with this ass explosion.

I kind of just sit down and take it all in for a few minutes, but then realize I’m in the family’s main bathroom and my parents and sibling are all eating dinner not more than 3 feet from where this happened.

I hear a ‘are you ok it sounds like you spilled water or something?’

HAHA if only – so I spend the next two hours cleaning up everything with toilet paper. I didn’t want to ruin towels or anything. I emerge 2 hours later with a spotless bathroom behind me, my Dad says “damn son it really smells like crap in here”

I just agreed. This experience has made me a better person

11.No TP

“Once in Italy I was absolutely desperate to use the bathroom. I walked all over the city for a public restroom, getting more and more antsy about it. You know the pins and needles, shivering kind of desperate? Yeah, that bad. Eventually, I turned a corner and saw the golden arches of McDonald’s- I swear they were glowing and there were trumpets playing it was such a glorious sight. I sprinted up to the store and into the bathrooms, sat down to do my thing, then realized there was no toilet paper. I thought, no worry, I can just use receipts. Open my wallet- nope, I’d cleaned it out the day before. I sit there for a while trying to decide if I really want to wipe myself with a 50. In the end I decide not to because I heard that all euros have drugs on them. And I don’t want to put any drugs down there. Finally after much deliberation, I decided there was only one thing for it- I had to use my own underwear. Whipped them off, wiped clean, and disposed of them (in a bin, I didn’t flush them) and strutted out of there right into a lingerie shop to buy a new pair.”

12.Marital Bonding

“My parents and some other family members went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic last year and stayed at an all-inclusive resort. They got a suite that had an open layout so the toilet was behind a wall but no door and there was a hot tub in front of the toilet. The food at the resort must have been bad, because everyone got sick. My mom ran to the bathroom to throw up and she ended up shitting at the same time. It sprayed the walls and the jacuzzi tub and the floors. Everywhere. My stepdad was in the room at the time, and from seeing that happened, he started throwing up. Then he started shitting his pants. They both tried to clean it up, but ended up throwing up and shitting in the jacuzzi tub in front of each other several times. This repeated almost every day on the trip.”

13.The Beach

“It was the summer after my freshman year at college (so 3 years ago), and I was in the Bahamas. My cousin and I were swimming in the ocean, and he wanted to go back into the hotel room, so he left. So there I am, swimming alone, when i get the urge the poop. Now I thought it was one of those ‘I can forcefully hold this in the water, it’ll go away, and then I can go when I get back into my room.’ Well I was wrong.

Five minutes go by and then I start walking up the beach because it seems like i’m holding in the worst shit of my life. I reach the sidewalk and I start sprinting up and down, trying to find one of those help desk things, I finally do and ask the lady where the nearest bathroom is. It was about 30 feet away and I thought I was in the clear.

Well I get into the bathroom, run into a stall and then I notice my bathing suite was tied…fuck. So as I’m untying my bathing suit I just start shitting….and as I finally sit down I notice it was all over my thigh, on the floor, and on the toilet seat (behind me). Then to top it all off, there’s no toilet paper.

I then see a janitor’s hand go under the stall and he hands me TP and says ‘I think you’ll need this.’

14.Blue Cheese On Pizza

“I ate a slice of pizza one summer. It was a slice of buffalo chicken/blue cheese. I should have paid better attention, the ‘blue cheese’ on the pizza looked to be salad dressing. That had been sitting under a heat lamp for an undetermined amount of time. In July.

Yes, it was bad. I had gone to the bar that night, and was halfway through a beer when I realized “oh fuck, this is food poisoning.” So I had to make the mad dash for home.

Which included A) a fifteen minute walk to the train station B) five minutes waiting for my train, C) a twenty minute train ride and D) a twenty minute walk home from the train station.

I knew that once I opened the floodgates, I wouldn’t be ale to move so I didn’t want to risk a public bathroom so I just clenched both ends and suffered. The worst was the last leg of it, when I was walking home from the train station. By then I was just looking for yards with big enough bushes for me to just go and befoul. Stupid suburbia.

I did make it home, and when I made it to the toilet I barfed for like twenty minutes. and then my ass blew up. All weekend, just puking and shitting and shivering and sweating for three days straight.”

15.The Dance

“In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend’s ex. I get to this dance and I’m trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down and tore ass, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me. I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy as…well, shit. Thankfully I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night.”

16.On The Bus

“Mine is a pretty embarrassing story. I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I’am talking about urge I mean business, like if i had the choice to vomit it, there would be no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I’m running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it’s fuckin closed because of maintenance. I couldn’t believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn’t say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn’t stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn’t hold myself and starting shitting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts.

To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shit.”

17. The Hair Dryer Savior

“I’ve had my fair share of bathroom emergencies (lactose intolerance for the win!) but this one was by far the worst/best of recent memory.

About 2 years ago, I was camping with my family. We decided to go out to eat one night instead of cooking over a fire – and went to a local seafood place. The food was amazing, and I ate wayyyyy too much greasy and deep fried amazingness for my stomach to handle. The icing on the cake of my stomach? Stopping for ice cream afterwards.

As soon as we were done my bowels started to churn that special feeling. I knew I needed to get to a bathroom, and stat. We were only 5 minutes away from the campground so I decided to hold it for then. As we got closer, I was more and more nervous I wouldn’t make it, which made me more nervous and therefore more pressure and rumbling. I felt like I was going to explode. I finally asked to be dropped off at the bathroom near the entrance of the campground – which ended up helping me out nicely, for this bathroom had showers and electricity.

Our car pulled up and I jumped out before we even stopped moving. I waddled my ass into the bathroom and found the closest stall I could get into. Normally, I am extremely bathroom shy and can barely piss with other people around, let alone drop a shit storm. And that night, the bathroom was chock. full. of. girls. Prim, proper, “I hate camping but my family dragged me along” teenagers. THE WORST. But this situation called for no shame. I barely had the door shut and my pants down before all hell broke loose. The loudest, gnarliest, nastiest sounds and smells came forth from my ass. No human being, let alone FEMALE, should ever produce anything like this. This should have embarrassed me out of the campground for life.

HOWEVER! At the exact moment hell unleashed from my bottom, one of the girls turned on her hairdryer. The sound COMPLETELY drowned out my agony. It was the most perfect timing. Normally I curse girls like this who can’t live a moment without looking perfect (and c’mon, bringing a hairdryer CAMPING!?)…but that day, I was praising her existence and persistence to do so.

Shockingly, my body emptied itself in that quick first round. I courtesy-flushed and sat a few minutes to make sure I was in the clear. When I went to stand, my legs were shaky. I was light headed. I felt like I just gave birth to some horrible demon, and I was TIRED. But the gaggle of girls had left, and I was able to exit the bathroom practically anonymous. I stumbled back to our campsite like I had gone through war. But I survived.”

18.The Pleasure Cruise Of Doom

“Behold, the terrifying & inspiring story of the PLEASURE CRUISE OF DOOM.

I was on holiday in Australia, a student of modest means, yet desiring to experience the maritime adventure of the Great Barrier Reef. In Queensland, the shorter the distance to the reef the more expensive the ticket on a tourist boat. So I opted to depart from Cairns. The weather was breezy, and there were some waves…I inquired of the Captain whether the conditions were too rough. He smiled reassuringly and said that they were expecting wind of ‘only 15 knots or so.’ Knowing nothing of the ways of pirates, I shrugged and boarded. The trip was supposed to take about 3 hours, arriving at a sand bar from which we could relax and snorkel.

There were 30 other passengers, and approximately 10 crew. The boat was 3 stories, 2 above board and one below. The voyage began pleasantly with much excitement about seeing all the tropical fish and colorful coral formations. Ahead, I saw darkening clouds and white-capped waves. A sense of foreboding grew within me, and over a period of 15 minutes, the mood on board darkened. Soon the boat was rocking & the crew was passing out life vests. By the time each passenger was equipped, the boat was rocking violently…the waves were taller than the boat and we were canting at an angle…as we went up the boat would rock to the left, and as we went down to the right…to such an angle that one could reach out and touch a wall of water that stretched to the sky. I feared we would capsize. But I soon learned, there were darker forces at work…

I was on the deck level at the rear of the ship…there were other passengers on the second level. Then the fateful curse floated past…’I think I’m going to be sick.’ Naturally, on a boat there’s not much in the way of bathroom facilities, and so we soon learned the art of improvisation. Over the noise of crashing waves I heard a bestial moan which could hardly come from the lips of man…Eyes wide with terror I look up to see a fellow passenger clutching the railing…as we pass the mid point in our arc, she’s looking up and opens her mouth wide enough to swallow a rubbish bin, and proceeds to projectile vomit…time stands still and I witness the partially digested contents of our catered lunch suspended in mid air above me…I count several shrimp, gobs of biscuit, mash of eggplant…and fervently praying that this gallon of goo will sail peacefully to its watery demise…the time stop spell begins to wear off and the boat rocks the other direction…all of us afraid to let go of the railing lest being swept out to sea, the boat rocks to the side, catching up with the suspended goo…and the poor woman ends up reuniting with her creation.

Shivering with the shameful laughter of schadenfreude, & the selfish relief of not sharing her fate, Neptune reigns down swift Karmic justice upon me. Overwhelmed with despair & disgust at her plight, she vomits again. This time, looking down…the projectile vomit a bulls-eye…on me. The stench of the stomach acid & warm shrimp quickly overpowers me, and I too projectile vomit…just as the boat has reached the end of its arc and I’m face to face with a wall of water…The stream hits the wave and I end up with a mouthful of seawater flavored vomit…I turn away not wanting to drown, and complete (my first wave) of vomiting upon my neighbor’s horrified face.

The curse gaining power, a chain reaction forms…within an instant all 30 passengers and 10 crew were enveloped in an orgy of projectile vomiting. Groans of agony echo throughout the ship…and the curse will never lift…for as one person finishes, another person starts, which only inspires others…the stench is inescapable…and so the cycle repeats…soon every surface & article of clothing is soaked…the deck becomes slippery with out collective creation.

By the time we reach the calm waters protected by the Reef, everyone is exhausted & defeated. We have surrendered our dignity eons ago, and are wantonly wallowing in the witches brew. Salty sea dogs & land lubbers alike rejoice at the presences of a sandbar where we can recover. And yet, the captain cruelly instructs the slop boy to hose out the ship, which takes several hours as we wait for the storm to pass. A man beside me remarks to his son, “that’s why you want to go to college, so you don’t end up with his job.”

And so I learned, beware 20 knot winds, for they carry foul breathe upon them.”

19.The Client And The Police Officer

“This is more situational than gross. I was out at a closing dinner with management from a company I had signed up as a new client. One of the people on the management team lived near me so he offered to drop me off instead of letting me take the train/subway. We all say our goodbyes and I get in the car; almost immediately the guy says to me that he might need to make a stop.

So I don’t think much of it, we’re chatting, and he starts talking less and less over the course of about 15 minutes and looking more and more uncomfortable. I asked if he was alright, started kicking out some ideas for places to stop (I thought he had to piss) and he keeps saying its ok.

We’re getting close to my place, he hasn’t said a word for about 5 minutes, and all of a sudden lets out this banshee-like wail out of nowhere. I’m actually frightened at this point; for some reason I thought he was having a stroke and kept trying to remember that stupid acronym. Anyway, so after a few seconds, the familiar scent of cheap Chinese food stewed in stomach acid for 8-10 hours and exploded out the rectum reaches my nostrils and I grasp the enormity of my circumstances.

He immediately pulls into an abandoned warehouse parking lot and hops out of the car, goes to the trunk and grabs something, then runs off behind a tree. So I’m pretty confused at this point and I start looking around and realize his seat is actually covered in shit and there is some splashback around the steering wheel and door (I somehow was spared collateral damage). Anyway, just as I finish assessing the damage, a cop pulls up behind the car with the lights flashing.

The cop comes up to the car and just then the guy with my waddles out from behind a tree and starts running towards the car. He had wrapped himself in a sheet which was covered in shit stains (he had apparently tried to wipe himself up) and carrying his shit soaked pants, which were dripping. So the cop takes one look at the guy and one whiff of the car and says, ‘You know what, fuck it.’ Gets in his car and drives away.

Epilogue: Guy got back in the car and did not say a word to me other than goodnight when I got out. I threw away my clothes and huddled in the shower in the fetal position alternatively laughing and crying for about a half hour after I got home. He has never spoken a word to me about this since.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/seriously-gross-19-true-tales-of-horrifying-bathroom-emergencies/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/175285671997

[allofbeercom]

Seriously Gross: 19 True Tales Of Horrifying Bathroom Emergencies

1.Shark Attack Survivor

“There’s nothing worse than walking down a street, minding your own business, when you feel the sticky warmth of blood running down your legs, safe in the knowledge that you have forgotten to pack any sanitary products, and recently spent the entirety of your money on christmas presents. By the time I made it to a bathroom to stuff tissue in my underwear, I looked like the survivor of a shark attack.”

2.A Personal Nightmare

“This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.

I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. Haul ass to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate. I duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn’t.

I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell. It is food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food…. I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad, the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my fucking eyes out. The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a fucking terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will shit myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over, because fuck you for drinking for two straight days motherfucker. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady’s face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and Aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking shit. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare.

I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.”

3.Ice Scraper

“When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited & waited & waited but my dad never came… so I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it hahaha.”

4.India

“Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends.

One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination.

I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place.

Shitting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation.

I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm.”

5.The Eastern-Style Toilet

“I was a 15 year old exchange student in Thailand. After a week of eating the local food without allowing my body to adjust from its natural Canadian habitat I found my self to be relatively constipated. One day I was traveling through a remote Thai village when I got a sudden urge to empty my bowels. Understandable considering I hadn’t shit in a week.

I asked a local to point me to a bathroom, and after a few minutes of ass-clenching and waddling I found the entrance to a Thai-style bathroom. Now anyone who has ever used a Thai Toilet will realize that it can be very intimidating if never seen before. I, coming from a western country, had NO idea how to use this, and if I could have waited until I reached a western style excrement removing device, I would have. Alas, the urge was too strong, and I commenced squatting.

I proceeded to unleash a hurricane of spicy-diarrhea stew into the dry toilet. A solid-liquid spray lasting for 15 or more seconds. After substantially loading up the toilet, I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around for toilet paper.

Well what do you know, there wasn’t any. Apparently you are supposed to bring your own ass wiping device, and I hadn’t known. The only 2 objects that could be utilized to help clean my drain-pipe were a grungy looking loofah and my hand. Opting to not risk contracting some ass-communicable foreign disease from the loofah, I proceeded to use my hand to wipe up the slimy somewhat chunky mixture and rinsed it off under the tap.

Some may be shocked about how nonchalantly I just cleaned myself, but let me explain: I was DESPERATE. I felt like shit, I was panicking, and I had no idea what I was doing. So at that point it was an everything goes deal.

After wiping I guessed I was supposed to fill the bowl with the water from the bucket, so I did. However, my recent recipe of goulash had rendered draining the water (no flushing) impossible, so it ended up just filling to the top with murky brown stinky water.

By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just decided ‘fuck it’ and opened the door to go outside…

And was greeted by a LINE of 8-13 year olds. I had apparently used a local school bathroom without realizing it, and they had just started their break. I turned bright red and just high tailed it out of there, leaving behind a steaming bowl of shit soup, a horrendous smell of partly digested chicken and pork, and a gaggle of middle school Thai kids.

Never felt so guilty and disgusted before… but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food.”

6.Crying And Pooping

“If you don’t know anything about menses, let me preface this by stating that the first day of the cycle is often the worse, and most girls get the shits while on their period.

About two and a half years ago, I had just spent the night at my boyfriend’s apartment. I’m sleeping soundly in his arms when my stomach rumbles so loudly that it wakes me up. I feel the familiar pain of period cramps, but they’re nearly 10 days early, so I dismiss it as a side effect of my boyfriend’s sizable penis. He’s still sleeping pretty soundly and we’re in the spooning position; I don’t want to wake him by moving, so I lay there for a while while my abdomen cramps. I have to fart and decide that I can get away with it…

HUGE MISTAKE

My brand new boyfriend wakes up to the sensation of something warm and wet on his dick. The smell doesn’t hit us until he lifts up the covers to investigate… it is a delightful mixture of poo and pennies. Apparently I covered his junk in a light spattering of both shit and period blood. I am on the side of the bed against the wall; he gets up so I can run to the bathroom. I sit up and the blood just pours out of me. On the mattress, the sheets… it’s just everywhere…

We sprint to the bathroom together and he starts the shower while I destroy his toilet. I have never, ever shit in front of someone before. I’m traumatized, just crying and pooping and pouring blood all at the same time. By the time I flushed the toilet, I’ve decided that I can never see him again.

And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me ‘shit happens,’ then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him.”

7.*Shudder*

“I lived in the country and would eat a lot of raw vegetables when I was very young (6-12).

I started losing weight for some reason and my parents just thought it was because I was in a growth spurt or something.

Then for 2 weeks I felt really bad, went to the doctor he gave me some anti-parasite meds and sent me home.

He failed to mention that I would be passing a humungous tape worm later that week and I freaked out when I was mid shit and could see this dark black snake looking thing coming out of my ass.

I finished crapping but this thing wouldn’t come all the way out so I had to reach back and pull it the rest of the way out. (Gag!)

I didn’t tell anyone about it for years.”

8.The Honeymooners

“On my way back from my Honeymoon I had decided to stop at a Taco Bell. Mind you this was a in the back woods of Kentucky Taco Bell Express. The Chili Cheese Burrito being my favorite I didn’t even look at the menu and ordered away. Then he proceeded to tell me: “We don’t have any deep fryers.”

At the time the big campaign was the 1 pound burrito. So assuming that’s what I wanted he sold me two. What I walked out with somewhat resembled burritos, and weighed a fuck ton more than 2 pounds. The wife took one look and said no, and decided she wasn’t hungry anymore. I inhaled mine…

After getting on the highway again, the bubble-gut hit me. Of course the next exit is SEVERAL miles down the road. By the time we get to the next off ramp I’m doing the anal butt clench of death, and I shit you not there’s the oldest fucking lady driving an old jalopy 2 miles an hour down the off ramp.

When I finally pull off to run inside the only place to stop here drum roll a Taco Bell. I stop yell ‘GET THE KEYS!,’ and race inside, past a crew of kids waiting to clean the restrooms, slam the stall door, drop trow, and let loose the most foul smelling shit storm I never thought possible. It was BAD BAD BAD BAD BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. After cleaning up, of course I failed to do a courtesy flush and it starts coming up after me.

So I do the due diligence and RUN THE FUCK OUT! Of course the wife is now inside ordering her Taco Bell (OH FUCK NO!) and the kids start walking into the bathroom (OH FUCKING HELL!)…

I sternly (read that as a demand) tell her: ‘WE NEED TO MOVE NOW!’

Got back in the car and raced away…

In the rear view, yes I saw the kids running out of Taco Bell after me.”

9.I Love Peppers!

“When I first moved to China, a group of really attractive Chinese girls that worked for our company decided to take me out to lunch before my first “welcome to x company induction” class that evening. I wanted to make a good impression and be like all cool and stuff. So we’re at the restaurant, and they tell me that originally they’re all from Sichuan province (known for its spicy food) and they ask if I like spicy food. Sure I say, the hotter the better. I’m really only trying to impress them, but i figure how hot can it be? So I tell them to order it as spicy as it can get, I love peppers!, i want to eat it like they do, and some other idiotic stuff. They’re impressed and they order this meal that is literally coated in tiny shriveled dark red peppers. It was hot and it brought tears to my eyes, but I put on a good show and ate everything.

A few hours later, I’m sitting in this orientation class, and my stomach rumbles and immediately i can feel the taste of the peppers in my mouth again and I feel like if a bathroom were present, i could make use of it. I look at the clock and see I still have 45 minutes and it would be insanely rude to get up and leave. So i just decide to wait and concentrate on the lecture.

About 15 minutes later, I am UNCOMFORTABLE and squirming around. I pass a bit of gas quietly to help relieve the pressure and it felt someone lit a match on my bunghole and the smell was instantly suffocating. One of those omg, no warning, blitzkrieg on the nose, bury your face in your shirt and lynch the guy responsible types. Nobody figured out it was me but by this point i am in agony. I have 10 minutes to go and im almost sweating. My bunghole feels like Mount Doom and Im afraid its going to start leaking sulphuric acid.

Finally the class is dismissed and as professional as I can, hurry quickly to the mens room (which looked like this) As I rush in and begin to very loudly take care of business, my cell phone rings. This was back in the day when having ringtones were still cool. Mine at the time i had this painful incident? Ring of Fire

A few days later I was telling a buddy about my new found allergy to peppers and he’s like ‘yep when you eat it, you think about it hot going in, but never how hot it will be coming out.’”

10.‘It Sounds Like You Spilled Water Or Something’

“19 years old and staying at my Dad’s house for the weekend. I had come down with a stomach bug and was on the toilet every 5 minutes all afternoon just pushing this horrible liquid mess out of me.

At one point I run in and sit down quickly to let out whatever leviathan was next in line to escape my body, when I get that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that I WILL be throwing up soon. My mouth is watering, the back of my throat is dropping, and I’m searching for a proper receptacle. I find a small mesh garbage can, but I don’t want to make “a mess” so I figure I’ll jump off the toilet, turn around vomit into it, then jump back on and finish the shitting aspect.

Pretty straightforward – so now I’m kneeling in front of my toilet with my pants down as my gut clenches up with the first waves of vomit.

At the very instant I started vomiting every muscle in my body started clenching up and 3 gallons of liquid poopy sauce erupts from my ass all over my Dad’s bathroom.

I turn around and notice I have covered the entire wall, floor, rug, and even have hit parts of the ceiling with this ass explosion.

I kind of just sit down and take it all in for a few minutes, but then realize I’m in the family’s main bathroom and my parents and sibling are all eating dinner not more than 3 feet from where this happened.

I hear a ‘are you ok it sounds like you spilled water or something?’

HAHA if only – so I spend the next two hours cleaning up everything with toilet paper. I didn’t want to ruin towels or anything. I emerge 2 hours later with a spotless bathroom behind me, my Dad says “damn son it really smells like crap in here”

I just agreed. This experience has made me a better person

11.No TP

“Once in Italy I was absolutely desperate to use the bathroom. I walked all over the city for a public restroom, getting more and more antsy about it. You know the pins and needles, shivering kind of desperate? Yeah, that bad. Eventually, I turned a corner and saw the golden arches of McDonald’s- I swear they were glowing and there were trumpets playing it was such a glorious sight. I sprinted up to the store and into the bathrooms, sat down to do my thing, then realized there was no toilet paper. I thought, no worry, I can just use receipts. Open my wallet- nope, I’d cleaned it out the day before. I sit there for a while trying to decide if I really want to wipe myself with a 50. In the end I decide not to because I heard that all euros have drugs on them. And I don’t want to put any drugs down there. Finally after much deliberation, I decided there was only one thing for it- I had to use my own underwear. Whipped them off, wiped clean, and disposed of them (in a bin, I didn’t flush them) and strutted out of there right into a lingerie shop to buy a new pair.”

12.Marital Bonding

“My parents and some other family members went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic last year and stayed at an all-inclusive resort. They got a suite that had an open layout so the toilet was behind a wall but no door and there was a hot tub in front of the toilet. The food at the resort must have been bad, because everyone got sick. My mom ran to the bathroom to throw up and she ended up shitting at the same time. It sprayed the walls and the jacuzzi tub and the floors. Everywhere. My stepdad was in the room at the time, and from seeing that happened, he started throwing up. Then he started shitting his pants. They both tried to clean it up, but ended up throwing up and shitting in the jacuzzi tub in front of each other several times. This repeated almost every day on the trip.”

13.The Beach

“It was the summer after my freshman year at college (so 3 years ago), and I was in the Bahamas. My cousin and I were swimming in the ocean, and he wanted to go back into the hotel room, so he left. So there I am, swimming alone, when i get the urge the poop. Now I thought it was one of those ‘I can forcefully hold this in the water, it’ll go away, and then I can go when I get back into my room.’ Well I was wrong.

Five minutes go by and then I start walking up the beach because it seems like i’m holding in the worst shit of my life. I reach the sidewalk and I start sprinting up and down, trying to find one of those help desk things, I finally do and ask the lady where the nearest bathroom is. It was about 30 feet away and I thought I was in the clear.

Well I get into the bathroom, run into a stall and then I notice my bathing suite was tied…fuck. So as I’m untying my bathing suit I just start shitting….and as I finally sit down I notice it was all over my thigh, on the floor, and on the toilet seat (behind me). Then to top it all off, there’s no toilet paper.

I then see a janitor’s hand go under the stall and he hands me TP and says ‘I think you’ll need this.’

14.Blue Cheese On Pizza

“I ate a slice of pizza one summer. It was a slice of buffalo chicken/blue cheese. I should have paid better attention, the ‘blue cheese’ on the pizza looked to be salad dressing. That had been sitting under a heat lamp for an undetermined amount of time. In July.

Yes, it was bad. I had gone to the bar that night, and was halfway through a beer when I realized “oh fuck, this is food poisoning.” So I had to make the mad dash for home.

Which included A) a fifteen minute walk to the train station B) five minutes waiting for my train, C) a twenty minute train ride and D) a twenty minute walk home from the train station.

I knew that once I opened the floodgates, I wouldn’t be ale to move so I didn’t want to risk a public bathroom so I just clenched both ends and suffered. The worst was the last leg of it, when I was walking home from the train station. By then I was just looking for yards with big enough bushes for me to just go and befoul. Stupid suburbia.

I did make it home, and when I made it to the toilet I barfed for like twenty minutes. and then my ass blew up. All weekend, just puking and shitting and shivering and sweating for three days straight.”

15.The Dance

“In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend’s ex. I get to this dance and I’m trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down and tore ass, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me. I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy as…well, shit. Thankfully I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night.”

16.On The Bus

“Mine is a pretty embarrassing story. I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I’am talking about urge I mean business, like if i had the choice to vomit it, there would be no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I’m running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it’s fuckin closed because of maintenance. I couldn’t believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn’t say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn’t stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn’t hold myself and starting shitting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts.

To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shit.”

17. The Hair Dryer Savior

“I’ve had my fair share of bathroom emergencies (lactose intolerance for the win!) but this one was by far the worst/best of recent memory.

About 2 years ago, I was camping with my family. We decided to go out to eat one night instead of cooking over a fire – and went to a local seafood place. The food was amazing, and I ate wayyyyy too much greasy and deep fried amazingness for my stomach to handle. The icing on the cake of my stomach? Stopping for ice cream afterwards.

As soon as we were done my bowels started to churn that special feeling. I knew I needed to get to a bathroom, and stat. We were only 5 minutes away from the campground so I decided to hold it for then. As we got closer, I was more and more nervous I wouldn’t make it, which made me more nervous and therefore more pressure and rumbling. I felt like I was going to explode. I finally asked to be dropped off at the bathroom near the entrance of the campground – which ended up helping me out nicely, for this bathroom had showers and electricity.

Our car pulled up and I jumped out before we even stopped moving. I waddled my ass into the bathroom and found the closest stall I could get into. Normally, I am extremely bathroom shy and can barely piss with other people around, let alone drop a shit storm. And that night, the bathroom was chock. full. of. girls. Prim, proper, “I hate camping but my family dragged me along” teenagers. THE WORST. But this situation called for no shame. I barely had the door shut and my pants down before all hell broke loose. The loudest, gnarliest, nastiest sounds and smells came forth from my ass. No human being, let alone FEMALE, should ever produce anything like this. This should have embarrassed me out of the campground for life.

HOWEVER! At the exact moment hell unleashed from my bottom, one of the girls turned on her hairdryer. The sound COMPLETELY drowned out my agony. It was the most perfect timing. Normally I curse girls like this who can’t live a moment without looking perfect (and c’mon, bringing a hairdryer CAMPING!?)…but that day, I was praising her existence and persistence to do so.

Shockingly, my body emptied itself in that quick first round. I courtesy-flushed and sat a few minutes to make sure I was in the clear. When I went to stand, my legs were shaky. I was light headed. I felt like I just gave birth to some horrible demon, and I was TIRED. But the gaggle of girls had left, and I was able to exit the bathroom practically anonymous. I stumbled back to our campsite like I had gone through war. But I survived.”

18.The Pleasure Cruise Of Doom

“Behold, the terrifying & inspiring story of the PLEASURE CRUISE OF DOOM.

I was on holiday in Australia, a student of modest means, yet desiring to experience the maritime adventure of the Great Barrier Reef. In Queensland, the shorter the distance to the reef the more expensive the ticket on a tourist boat. So I opted to depart from Cairns. The weather was breezy, and there were some waves…I inquired of the Captain whether the conditions were too rough. He smiled reassuringly and said that they were expecting wind of ‘only 15 knots or so.’ Knowing nothing of the ways of pirates, I shrugged and boarded. The trip was supposed to take about 3 hours, arriving at a sand bar from which we could relax and snorkel.

There were 30 other passengers, and approximately 10 crew. The boat was 3 stories, 2 above board and one below. The voyage began pleasantly with much excitement about seeing all the tropical fish and colorful coral formations. Ahead, I saw darkening clouds and white-capped waves. A sense of foreboding grew within me, and over a period of 15 minutes, the mood on board darkened. Soon the boat was rocking & the crew was passing out life vests. By the time each passenger was equipped, the boat was rocking violently…the waves were taller than the boat and we were canting at an angle…as we went up the boat would rock to the left, and as we went down to the right…to such an angle that one could reach out and touch a wall of water that stretched to the sky. I feared we would capsize. But I soon learned, there were darker forces at work…

I was on the deck level at the rear of the ship…there were other passengers on the second level. Then the fateful curse floated past…’I think I’m going to be sick.’ Naturally, on a boat there’s not much in the way of bathroom facilities, and so we soon learned the art of improvisation. Over the noise of crashing waves I heard a bestial moan which could hardly come from the lips of man…Eyes wide with terror I look up to see a fellow passenger clutching the railing…as we pass the mid point in our arc, she’s looking up and opens her mouth wide enough to swallow a rubbish bin, and proceeds to projectile vomit…time stands still and I witness the partially digested contents of our catered lunch suspended in mid air above me…I count several shrimp, gobs of biscuit, mash of eggplant…and fervently praying that this gallon of goo will sail peacefully to its watery demise…the time stop spell begins to wear off and the boat rocks the other direction…all of us afraid to let go of the railing lest being swept out to sea, the boat rocks to the side, catching up with the suspended goo…and the poor woman ends up reuniting with her creation.

Shivering with the shameful laughter of schadenfreude, & the selfish relief of not sharing her fate, Neptune reigns down swift Karmic justice upon me. Overwhelmed with despair & disgust at her plight, she vomits again. This time, looking down…the projectile vomit a bulls-eye…on me. The stench of the stomach acid & warm shrimp quickly overpowers me, and I too projectile vomit…just as the boat has reached the end of its arc and I’m face to face with a wall of water…The stream hits the wave and I end up with a mouthful of seawater flavored vomit…I turn away not wanting to drown, and complete (my first wave) of vomiting upon my neighbor’s horrified face.

The curse gaining power, a chain reaction forms…within an instant all 30 passengers and 10 crew were enveloped in an orgy of projectile vomiting. Groans of agony echo throughout the ship…and the curse will never lift…for as one person finishes, another person starts, which only inspires others…the stench is inescapable…and so the cycle repeats…soon every surface & article of clothing is soaked…the deck becomes slippery with out collective creation.

By the time we reach the calm waters protected by the Reef, everyone is exhausted & defeated. We have surrendered our dignity eons ago, and are wantonly wallowing in the witches brew. Salty sea dogs & land lubbers alike rejoice at the presences of a sandbar where we can recover. And yet, the captain cruelly instructs the slop boy to hose out the ship, which takes several hours as we wait for the storm to pass. A man beside me remarks to his son, “that’s why you want to go to college, so you don’t end up with his job.”

And so I learned, beware 20 knot winds, for they carry foul breathe upon them.”

19.The Client And The Police Officer

“This is more situational than gross. I was out at a closing dinner with management from a company I had signed up as a new client. One of the people on the management team lived near me so he offered to drop me off instead of letting me take the train/subway. We all say our goodbyes and I get in the car; almost immediately the guy says to me that he might need to make a stop.

So I don’t think much of it, we’re chatting, and he starts talking less and less over the course of about 15 minutes and looking more and more uncomfortable. I asked if he was alright, started kicking out some ideas for places to stop (I thought he had to piss) and he keeps saying its ok.

We’re getting close to my place, he hasn’t said a word for about 5 minutes, and all of a sudden lets out this banshee-like wail out of nowhere. I’m actually frightened at this point; for some reason I thought he was having a stroke and kept trying to remember that stupid acronym. Anyway, so after a few seconds, the familiar scent of cheap Chinese food stewed in stomach acid for 8-10 hours and exploded out the rectum reaches my nostrils and I grasp the enormity of my circumstances.

He immediately pulls into an abandoned warehouse parking lot and hops out of the car, goes to the trunk and grabs something, then runs off behind a tree. So I’m pretty confused at this point and I start looking around and realize his seat is actually covered in shit and there is some splashback around the steering wheel and door (I somehow was spared collateral damage). Anyway, just as I finish assessing the damage, a cop pulls up behind the car with the lights flashing.

The cop comes up to the car and just then the guy with my waddles out from behind a tree and starts running towards the car. He had wrapped himself in a sheet which was covered in shit stains (he had apparently tried to wipe himself up) and carrying his shit soaked pants, which were dripping. So the cop takes one look at the guy and one whiff of the car and says, ‘You know what, fuck it.’ Gets in his car and drives away.

Epilogue: Guy got back in the car and did not say a word to me other than goodnight when I got out. I threw away my clothes and huddled in the shower in the fetal position alternatively laughing and crying for about a half hour after I got home. He has never spoken a word to me about this since.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/seriously-gross-19-true-tales-of-horrifying-bathroom-emergencies/

[datingadviceonreddit]

First post on Reddit. Figured I'd try and make it a good one. This is going to be pretty long, so stay with me. I'll try and not bore you to death. No promises though. You've been warned.IntroTo give you, the readers, an idea of my background and where I'm coming from. Also human beings are inherently curious, right? :PSo I'm 35, a college student (an even longer story haha), single and never been in a what you folks call an LTR. Or hooked up (I'll get to that later). At this point I'm sure a lot of people are wonder wtf is wrong with this guy. Did I get hit with the ugly stick? Do I have a hunched back?Resemble Emperor Palpatine after playing with too many matches as a child? ....Afaik, nothing. Actually got a lot of positive comments from a multitude of people, although that's always subjective. I workout around 6x a week so keep myself in a good, physical condition. I'm not a big guy, but athletic sure. I still play football (soccer), love to read, play music, speak 5 languages, into computers, science, gaming and NOT socially awkward. Bit of a mix I guess. I can talk to people no problem, even women. Had to learn that whilst working at a Laser Tag center in my late teens/early adulthood (best job ever). There just has to be a connection and until recently, never had that. They say that life works in mysterious ways. Uhuh.So, with that out of the way, I've been lurking for a long, long time and reading each post and all the topics in a lot of relevant forums in the aftermath of my recent connection (Dating, Dating_Advice, Relationships, AskMen, Toughlove, Redpill etc...). There are some great stories on here, but a lot of depressing ones too. A modern phenomenon seems to be Ghosting. The majority of people would rather have honesty, as hurtful as that is, it's infinitely better than wondering wtf and being left in the dark. It would also enable people to grow and move on. At least those capable of some intelligence. Life after all, is an ever-continuous learning experience. On the flip side of this, some people cannot handle the truth (as seen on the NceGuy subreddit).History of my 'dating'I'm not totally clueless you know, so here goes:Primary school:Chased a girl for a while and at one point got a "Would you be my boyfriend Yes/No Tick box thing'. Just don't tell anyone (haha). Later on at one point I did tell people, so I fucked it up. Still a fond memory.Temporary primary school (just moved country, 12yrs old,.finished primary school back home, but new country, new language.....had to wait for new school year to go to an International school)There was this girl that I found immensely attractive. I went to the shops and bought a single, red rose. Placed it on her desk during break time. Yes everyone knew who it was from and no, she didn't reciprocate. Was a nice gesture though.High school:I guess around 14-15 at this time. On a school trip abroad this one girl caught my eye. Couldn't stop thinking about her. Back at school I did my research and found out in which class she was in (each class had a classbook, with records of students and to keep attendance) and left her a note. If I recall correctly, I even smooth talked her address from a school administrator and sent her a bouqet of flowers. Not bad for that age, right? Things did escalate from there and during a lunch break there she was, with her friends, all started giggling when I walked outside. I approached and started talking and it went from there. Since this was the 90s we spent hours talking on the home phone and even came to my place. One memory of that was when I rode her home (bikes) and we stayed at the halfway point for hours just talking and being playful (my mom called the police on me wondering where I was, because I didn't do shit like that, just my siser). It never escalated to kissing though, as much as I wanted to. One thing that stuck in my mind was she had a history of being abused, so with that in your head you want to proceed carefully. I wasn't stupid. Inexperienced sure. How do you deal with something like that? I suppose that's one of life's regrets. What if? What could have been?High school 2Different school, just going up in the system. So there's this really really cute girl and just happens to be best friends with one of my female classmates. At one point a friend of mine started dating this classmate and I got them to put in some good words for me (Networking people, this shit is legit). So, we started hanging out, doing stuff. After school, at the park etc. Lots of kissing (wasn't me escalating, trust me). Anyhow at one point as you do at school, you invite people over for a small party/gathering. My parents are divorced, mom lived elsewhere and dad was away most of the time (work). So the house is mine. I'm 18 at this point so it's all fine. Soaking rain, met the group outside, came in etc and this girl is all wet and needed a change of clothes so she put on a tracksuit of mine. Everyone had been drinking so all good. Kindof. So we're getting hot and heavy on the couch (the group is still sitting around the table haha....no shame :P) and at one point I put my hands down her pants.....but.....BUT.....this goes on in my head "oh wait because she's been drinking I must not take advantage of her" so I didn't. She then leads me to my bedroom and we start making out on the bed, but because I was a dumb motherfucker back then I didn't escalate it (so we wen't back downstairs again). The signs were obvious, but inexperience on my part and being too 'nice' and 'gentlemanly' about it....le sigh.This was my one and only chance so far (cry) to get laid. The relationship lasted about....3-4 weeks? In retrospect I learned a lot and the fact that there are different women out there with different wants and needs. The irony of that is how different my life might have been. Maybe somewhere in a parallell universe I wasn't that dumb...And thus ends my 'dating' history, as short as it was, for the next two decades. It's odd I suppose. In the years I followed before going back to college I was working in the entertainment industry. Bars, clubs etc. Working behind the bar was really really awesome. Not just working well with your colleagues and having fun (still hard work), but interacting with the customers. Unfortunately I was never, and still not, a 'player'. I'm just me. So no 'barman hooked up with...' stories etc. No panties being thrown in my direction for free drinks...So basically that was my life. Eventually moved to an IT/logistics job, still played football, still went to the gym, still played computer games, still did my music. Then at one point I decided fuck it, and went back to college.Fast forward to nowSo I'm at the end stage of my Bachelors and it's Koningsnacht here in NL. My smartphone is tucked away in my drawer and I use Whatsapp via Bluestacks on the PC. Just easier that way. Some of my football mates are in town at the Irish Pub and I go down to meet them. I get there and they are gone. Shit. No smartphone, no way to contact them, and ofc didn't put their numbers in my flipphone. Derp. I get pissed off and go back home, figured fuck it, just as well, don't want to drink and get drunk anyhow. I did fire up my PC again and find out where they were. At this point I'm debating, because usually when I go back bad things happens (drink too much, massive hangover) but #YOLO, right? So back I go.The night was great, went to a few bars (four of us) and had a blast. I did NOT go out expecting to meet anyone. The last place we went to was a club open till 4am. Ordered some interesting mixes and had fun........and there she was. Ironically a mate of my mine was talking to the pair and I overheard where they were from and English being spoken, so I went in and took over the conversation (sorry mate). I connected with this girl from the start. Started talking about music and we had a passion for similar stuff. We moved to the side and talked all night and exchanged numbers there and then. When the place had to close I helped her get her coat and walked her home (was a fair walk, 30min easy). Her friend also had a guy with her but was busy doing her own thing. That night we ended up talking till 7am. She made some great tea with some moonshine which was at least 60%++ and just enjoyed each others company I guess. It only ended when her friend was tired and wanted to go to sleep, haha. So bade our farewells....we both went outside and she was worried for me about the rain, but being a footballer it was only a slight drizzle and it was fine. Was nice of her though. Didn't kiss her ( I wanted to, trust me), but the whole 3 kisses on the cheek thing and rode off into the sunrise...Texted her the next day and set up a date. Went on around 4 dates after that and they all went really well. We talked a lot and had fun. You just know something is right when you can communicate without any pressure. No nonsense, just getting to know each other. There wasn't non stop texting, but she'd text me ask me how my weekend was etc. After a night out that she had originally planned with her friends ( I was welcomed to come along, didn't pressure her, but she said "Well if they have issues with it (me coming along) then they aren't my friends anymore" So that was a positive reaction. She ended up coming an hour later, cause they were drinking at home first :P but we ended up again talking non stop and her friends backed off and eventually buggered off elsewhere...... At the end of that (3rd date) I walked her to her bike and made my move, slowly, slowly and we kissed. There's no feeling like that connection. Electric. And we made plans to see each other again on Sunday (this was Friday).On that date I met her where she parks her bike, kissed her and we went through town holding hands (I initiated). Took her to various places, walk through the park etc. At other points where we weren't holding hands or couldn't, she'd grab mine, so that was a good sign I thought. Things were looking up. Again ended with me taking her home, kissing. She did warn me that the following week she'd be busy (exam coming up, internship). Fair play, I'm a student myself so I know how that works. Not a problem. She'd let me know when she'd have time. People have their own lives too.Next day (Monday). Evening, around 10pm, I was already in bed, smartphone on the table....yes I had finally found a use for it.....and there's this thunderstorm going. Always enjoyed a good storm, great for getting to sleep. I get a text.....from her........saying how she enjoys thunderstorms etc (as Gibbs would say, there's no such thing as coincidence) and we flirt. I replied along the lines of how I enjoy them as well and "There's only one thing missing wink"But. Tuesday. This is where shit gets (Un)real.Because she has this exam coming up, I get it in my head to drop off a box of chocolates where she lives (as fate would have it, 10s away from where I play football....) so she has something nice to snack on whilst she's studying. I do the same behind my PC. Now, the day before she had mentioned chocolates so that's how it popped into my head. These weren't bonbons, nor anything even romantic I thought. Just a box of Jaffa Cakes that my grandma had brought over when she visted. You cannot buy them here in NL and these were my only box (goddamnit). I wrote a note to it attesting to the fac tthat these were to help her study and that her friend could have some too if she behaved. So a friendly, cheeky note, right?Tuesday evening came about. Nothing. No word. I mean, I knew it was a risk leaving the bag hanging on the door. I dropped them off on my way to the gym after all. So I asked her. She didn't get them. Shit. Someone must have stolen them. Motherf*****s. Probably some punk ass kid. Anyhow I wrote a text as such....about an hour or two later I got a somewhat scathing message back "You shouldn't have bothered cuz I won't have time for you this week etc etc etc" Woah. WTF? I knew from that moment that something was up, but she did warn me she'd be busy. I was Alright, you warned me, gl with the exam, let me know when you have time" and didn't contact her again.Few days later she contacted me thanking me for the chocolates and that another house guest had brought the bag in, but that the following week she'd be busy too with her final internship report and had already planned a weekend away with her BFF (female). Again I fired off an ok, have fun, let me know"8 days passed, no word. This is where I learned from Reddit about Ghosting. I thought shit, I'm being ghosted. No idea why. The chocolates? Really? Fuck man everyone loves chocolates, right? ShitAt the point it's feeling like a huge kick in the balls. Like someone just dropped a thermonuclear device on my ass. However, instead of pussying around I decided enough was enough. I'm taking control of my life once and for all. I've always been athletic, but started going hard at the gym. Everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Got my place sorted out, cleaned it from top to bottom. Every nook and cranny. Threw out all my old shit I didn't need anymore (still had computer mags from 1996+) and old electronics. Everything went. Everything was spotless.I even bought two new books. Modern Romance by Aziz Anshari (funny as fuck, highly recommend) and The Game (recommended by a friend). This last book is really weird though.However. 8 days came around and I did the hardest thing I've ever done in a long time. I removed her from my contacts. Broke my heart, but had to be done. Didn't really sleep that night. Very early morning I was still awake and thinking. Fuck it, fuck the rules. Who imposed these bullshit rules anyhow? I'll break them (Thanks Arnold) I'll send a final message. And being the sometimes-too-smart IT geek I am....figured her phone number might still be located in my flipphone. So switched simcards and lo and behold, there it was. Back on the smartphone I fired off a long message. Basically came down to how I enjoyed the time we spent together, regardless of the outcome. Wished her well and didn't expect any response.At the end of the day I got a response. She apologised and said she'd chickened out, how the chocolates scared her off and wasn't sure where this was heading.However, I was a great guy and she enjoyed the company. She needed time and wasn't ready for a commitment. I responded again thanked her for being brave in sending the msg and honest (well she could have kept her mouth shut, so have to give her credit). All we ever want is honesty, as much as it might suck. I did say my intentions were honourable but respected her decision. Wished her well and left with if she ever wanted to talk or grab a drink she knew where to find me.So that ends that chapter.In retrospect, the red flag during our dates was that she mentioned her ex a few times (pothead, he dumped her apparantly, didn't ask why). I should have carefully poked and prodded and found out when the relationship ended I suppose. I guess it was recent and/or other things were at play still. She had basically come to this country with him and I'll assume they were together for a while and had plans. Just a guess on my part.The days that followed were extremely hard. At times I didn't want to get out of bed. My gym time sucked balls. Couldn't concentrate, couldn't finish my routines. Gah. Then you know it's bad. Basically you just want things to end or just be swallowed up. I did a lot of ranting and raving at my mates online and they listened, had advice, as hard as it was. So appreciate all the shit I put them through (they know who they are). As Freddy put it: The Show Must Go On.It didn't end there. Oh no. Being the total dumbass I am I left her number in my phone. Two weeks after the fact I was somewhat back to normal (not really, but relatively speaking). Was going to go to the pub with a friend but he cancelled at the last minute. I figured fuck it. I'm 35, good looking, fuck sitting at home wallowing in misery I'll go out and have fun. Talk to people. This I did, up to a point. I ended up at the same place I met her. At first it was fine, busier than normal, good music, lots of good looking women around. I did contemplate at one point going up to speak to some but was in a good place at that point and just enjoyed the surroundings.ButThe alcohol started kicking in. I realised that I really didn't want to speak to anyone else and just had one person on my mind (fuck...you know where this is going). I bust out the phone and fired off a long message. In my defense, I still had some things left to say and like Rocky in Rocky Balboa (6) I had to get it out of my system. She actually responded right away (this was after midnight) and she was glad I understood, but she was confused and needed to be alone for a while etc. I responded to that (how I thought she shouldn't think that, she is a beautfful, intelligent and fun person to be with) yadeyadah. I did mean every word. I don't bullshit.In the morning I did apologise for being an annoying, dumb fuck and wouldn't bother her again and wished her well on her vacation.So there you have it Reddit. My story. If you've read all of this then fuck me you deserve a cookie. At the very least a strong drink probably.So to all of you posting how you are 18, 25 or whatever age and still haven't been laid. Trust me, things could be worse. You could be me, hahahaha. (I had my shot at 18 :P) But there's no right age either. And don't force it. I've thought plenty of times about casual hookups, or even paid services. But that's not me and never will be. Yes I've also tried online dating, but never clicked with me. I just have to keep moving forward with my own life. It's not easy though. No human being should ever be alone and as you get older, it sucks even more. You just have to keep at it.Worst part of this story is, I still think about her. Everyday. As much as I try and get her out of my frikking system, I'll be lying on a bench doing flys, or pullups on the bar and she'll pop into my head. You know how annoying that shit is? Even trying to follow The Rock's advice "FOCUS!" doesn't help. But what can a guy do ? (get laid? Thanks Reddit, very funny).On the positive side, I'm even more motivated at the gym than ever before and I stopped caring about computer games. Once I realised that I thought the End Times are truly here. Some things are more important in pursuing though. And talking is good. Don't keep shit bottled up inside, even if you have to make a Reddit post. via /r/dating_advice

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