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hellomynameisbisexual · 3 years

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“QUEER”

First of all, let’s clear up a common misconception. Queer does not just mean gay. It’s an umbrella term for an identity which deviates from society’s perceived norm: heterosexual, or straight. Queer can refer to sexualities — gay, bisexual, pansexual, — or it can refer to being gender-queer; i.e, any label that deviates from the perceived gender norm: the binaries, male and female.

“Queer” is a reclaimed slur.

If you do not fall under the umbrella of queerness, it is safe to assume that you cannot use it. At all.

I am bisexual.

This means I experience attraction to plural genders. Pansexual also works fine. For the difference between bisexual and pansexual — see here:

Being bisexual isn’t easy. I went through similar hardships to gay women: I experienced attraction to women and was scared of what this meant for me, in such an oppressively homophobic society.

I am not saying being bisexual is harder than being gay, nor the inverse. But my experiences are distinctly bisexual, not gay.

Without further ado, here are the 3 things I’ve found to be the hardest about being queer, but not gay (enough).

#1: Finding My Place

Or, not being queer enough

I always knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know what I was. Up until recently, I was still questioning. This didn’t feel enough to join groups or conversations with LGBT+ folk, let alone go to pride. Was I even LGBT if I was never L, G, B, or T?

I am still yet to attend a pride, even though I identify (fairly confidently) as bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man. This is (problematically) known as a “straight-passing relationship” and makes me feel even more undeserving of a place at pride.

This has been upsetting to me at times. But for others, it can be outright devastating. Growing up and needing support, but feeling like you’re ‘not gay enough’ to ask for it? So many young people are being left alone and afraid. Finding others like you is vital to figuring out who you are. Likewise, finding spaces which are safe and inclusive is vital for anyone, regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. A friend of mine happens to be a transgender man, and he summed up the issue perfectly:

“One thing that I keep noticing is how all hangout spots are “gay bars”, or (far less common) “lesbian bars”. I’m a straight man, so I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there, but hanging out at regular bars is still too much of a gamble, so I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

It goes without saying that gay folk aren’t always safe in these spaces, as seen by the homophobic attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, in 2016. Bigotry hurts the entire LGBT+ community. Bigotry doesn’t stop to ask whether you identify as gay or otherwise queer before it pulls the trigger.

But the LGBT+ community itself is much more welcoming to those who “pick a side” and just come out as gay, already. The infighting is inexplicable when one looks to attacks such as that in Orlando: bigots don’t care which letter you are in the acronym. So why does gatekeeping exist when we need to be strong in the face of intolerance when fragmentation only makes us weaker? Who are we helping by continuing to exclude identities from the discussion?

#2: Myths and Misconceptions

Well, it stands to reason that if bisexuals are what they seem in TV and movies, why would anyone want to make them feel included? They’re “greedy” and inauthentic. They’re attention-seeking, not to mention their propensity for threesomes. Now, I haven’t been in a wild orgy yet, but it seems like it will only be a matter of time before I follow my natural path.

Straight men, in particular, need to own up to their assumption that bisexual women are down for a threesome. The thing is, we are. But not with you, you big ASSUMER.

Infidelity

All jokes aside, the stereotyping of bisexuals is not only hurtful, but leads to difficulties finding and maintaining relationships.

As I came to terms with my bisexuality, I also had to accept that I might never be fully trusted by my partner, regardless of their gender or sexuality. I was shocked when my partner reacted to my coming out with the equivalent of a shrug — so much so, that I burst into tears of gratitude that my soul-bearing moment hadn’t been met with slut-shaming or assumptions of disloyalty. Nothing has changed. If anything, our bond is even stronger for me having been more authentic after coming out.

But cruelty came from elsewhere: when I came out, I was told that my partner was to be pitied, either because I’m gay and in denial, or bound to cheat on him. The main consequence of such attitudes has been the crippling fear of coming out to my partner. It saddens me that I felt so relieved when he accepted me for being who I am, and loving him just the same as I always have.

This outcome is not the case for many couples, with straight folk worried that their bisexual partner will realise they’re gay and just leave them. This fear of abandonment comes from a place of ignorance. When the media presents bisexuality as a steppingstone on the way to “picking a team”, it’s no wonder that people struggle to trust their queer partners.

Other Queer Myths

The myth that all trans folk medically transition invalidates those who choose not to do so, and let’s not forget the ignorant jeers that it's all just a mental illness. Asexual folk battle the stereotype that they can never have a relationship and shall forever remain a virgin (because what an awful thing that would be, right?) And pansexuals… well, at the lighter end, they’re asked if they have sex with cooking utensils. But often, they’re erased as irrelevant because “we already have the label bisexual”.

This brings us onto the third and final difficulty that comes with queer folk who aren’t easily categorizable as gay: erasure.

#3: Erasure

Erasure refers to the denial of an identity’s existence or its validity as a label.

Non-binary folk face ongoing and loud claims that they simply do not exist. This is despite the historical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Plus, the most important evidence — them, existing. Asexual folk are told they simply have not found the right person yet, or that they are just afraid of sex. Demi-sexual folk are told “everyone feels like that, unless they’re just sleeping around!”. And bisexuals are dismissed as simply being in denial that they’re gay.

Monosexuality & The Gender Binary

Our culture is so built on monosexuality (being solely attracted to one gender — for instance, gay or straight). Monosexuality is reinforced through everything from marriage to dating apps, the media to what we teach in schools. People cannot fathom that someone might want to experience more than one gender in their lifetime.

The binary models of sex and gender are also deeply ingrained. These rigid belief systems combined are to blame for our inability to accept that bisexuals do not need to “pick a side”. I was paralysed by fear for 17 years because I found girls attractive and that might mean I’m gay, because bisexuals are just gays who haven’t realised they’re gay yet.

Bierasure

Bierasure is dangerous, firstly because it leads a child to have to internalise both biphobia and homophobia. For instance, I had to work through being taught to hate gayness, whilst being taught that any attraction to non-male genders made me gay.

Women were cute, and so I was gay, and this meant I was disgusting.

My own mother told me this. She also told me that something has “gone wrong in the womb” for a child to be gay. (Well, Mum, I’ve got some bad news about your womb!)And she, like any bigot, extended this theory to anyone who experiences same-sex attractions — anyone queer. This is another reason why bi-erasure is perilous. Whether you’re a gay, cis-male or a demi-bisexual, trans woman… if your parents will kick you out for being gay, they will likely kick you out for being any sort of queer.

If we deny the bigotry that bisexuals undergo, we will continue to suffer. It won’t just go away. It will fester, with bisexuals having no one they can go to who believes them. And thus:

Erasure Kills

Bullying and suicide rates of queer-but-not-gay people continue to sky-rocket. We must direct funding, support and compassion to every queer individual, as they are all vulnerable to discrimination and bullying. The problem is being left to fester. This is in part because bigots treat all queer labels as just ‘gay’, deeming them equally unworthy. This is how far erasure can go.

Conclusion

Earlier on, I stated that my experiences are distinctly bisexual. The same applies to any queer identity.

Emphasising our differing paths and struggles is important to avoid the aforementioned erasure of already less visible groups. But this does not mean that the LGBT+ community should be fragmented by these differences.

If we can unite in our hope to live authentically and love freely, we will be stronger against bigotry. We are fighting enough intolerance from without: there is no need to create more from within.

So out of everything, what’s the hardest part about being bisexual?

It’s the fact that nobody knows it’s this hard.

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dykespreads · 4 years

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think imma butch bi dyke. if ur fine with sharing, what were your experiences with dykehood as a bi woman? i honestly feel really nervous but contented w dyke as a whole, i dont wanna be considered lesphobic or whatever :(

well im going to be 100% transparent with you that regardless of your intentions you will be called a lesbophobe by some people, the nature of tumblr is to paint whoever you disagree with as your oppressor and a monster and you just have to deal with that. in irl spaces it matters significantly less and nobody (at least in my experience) will question your choices. it helped me a lot because i have a lot of irl friends that are bi or lesbian or trans so everyone is pretty understanding and not quite so “if you say something i disagree with you are cancelled forever and i will make sure i convince everyone that you’re a terf” which has happened to me over dyke discourse with online tumblr “friends” despite me obviously not being a terf, given that im trans and my gf is a trans woman. but on to the point, i have reblogged a ton of cited essays and resources on bi women’s history in lesbian spaces, our impact on those spaces, our historical right on butch/femme/dyke and our current right and usage of butch/femme/dyke so if that kind of proof reassures you i definitely recommend looking through my blog. tumblr search feature is super awful so i’m sorry it’s not more accessible but you should be able to search for key terms and find it. my personal experience with dykehood comes largely from comphet, living in racist christian south, and some homophobic experiences with past girlfriends. ive always known i’ve liked girls and ive spent a long LONG time flip flopping between lesbian and bi, and lo and behold my lived reality and the way people treat me when im with a girl literally does not change at all. that leaves me to believe that it doesn’t matter. whether i personally ID as bi or lesbian does not matter because my experiences won’t change. im still in a loving committed relationship with a girl and am visibly gay. ergo im a dyke. i won’t be ashamed about it. *and yes i am aware the dictionary definition of dyke as written by cishets says that it means lesbian. but gay marriage was also banned in the united states. does that mean that two bi women, who aren’t techincally gay men or lesbians, could marry? no stop being fucking stupid anti-wlw language has always revolved around lesbians that doesn’t mean bi women were just unfortunately caught in the cross fire. the sacred lesbian only experience doesn’t exist, unless its specifically “i identify as a lesbian”. all wlw are subject to comphet, corrective r*pe (though i may agree that it has different connotations among lesbians, i can personally say lesbians are not the only ones targeted for being “cured” of their attraction to women, and r*pe CERTAINLY does not feel better just because you hypothetically could like a man lmao get your fucking heads out of your asses), prejudice, feeling predatory, loving women, being gnc, having an estranged parent relationship, not feeling really like a true woman, confliction with gender roles, not loving men or wanting to be with men, having trauma, facing misogyny and homophobia, etc etc. literally name something and i will make a counter argument for it, because me or a bi woman i know has lived it. wlw have been going through this shit together since the dawn of time. and radical feminism and political lesbianism warped us. a lot of these arguments about bi women being available to men are misogynistic and extremely biphobic and literally ACTUAL terf rhetoric. terfs, especially terfs that are wlw, have something to gain from painting lesbians as this group that is being set in on all sides by men (and trans women), and that bi women are using their privilege by being close to men to push lesbians down, and are class traitors. tldr; people will hate you no matter what you do. bi women helped build the lesbian community before radical feminism, terfs, and political lesbianism drove bi women out of the lesbian community. we have much of a right to our terms as any other wlw and its ahistorical to say we don’t. also life is short if calling yourself a dyke connects you to your love of women nobody can tell you otherwise.

#rape #biphobia #homophobia #misogyny #i kinda went off lol #im just gonna copy paste this next time someone wants to say anything to me on this site

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squidwithelbows · 5 years

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hey there! if you make the list for wlw books, I would appreciate it. I'd just like to read some good ones that feature well written wlw and not just in the background

I’ve got you! I made a rec list of lgbt books a while back but I knew as I was writing it that not nearly enough were primarily about women.. So here’s a lgbt book rec list, wlw edition! Obvi, this list is FAR from complete but in case you’re like me and you’re struggling to find any books about wlw that you might actually like, I’ve got a few suggestions.

sci fi / fantasy:

Six of Crows and King of Scars (wlw and mlm) – I’ve recommended this before but I’ll keep doing it again and again until the day I die because SoC is my all time favorite YA novel. And the bi woman from SoC is a main character again in King of Scars!!

Not Your Sidekick (wlw, mlm, trans, ace) – A super fun super quick superhero book in which literally everyone is queer.

The Lesson (wlw and some bg mlm) – I actually got to read this one a little before its release but trust me it’s PHENOMENAL. It’s got aliens, it’s got social commentary, it’s got mystery, and it’s got wlw. In the meantime Cadwell also wrote Loneliness Is In Your Blood, which is a horror short story with a wlw protagonist.

Ice Massacre (wlw) – Creepy killer lesbian mermaids!

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (wlw and nonbinary) – My friend Janelle described this one as the more inclusive Firefly of her dreams and I think that pretty much sums it up. There isn’t much of a driving plot, but it’s a fun time.

The Expanse series (wlw, mlm, nonbinary) – Full disclosure I watched the tv show of this one and only just started the books but it’s GOOD. It follows a really big cast of characters in a sort of first contact space political thriller in a very casually diverse future.

Ash (wlw) – Gay Cinderella with creepy fairies!

Soulless (mlm, wlw, nonbinary) – A steampunk series about vampires, werewolves, and ghosts that’s just a lot of fun and has a whole bunch of queer characters. Seriously just assume everyone is bi, especially the protagonist. (Fair warning, she is in a relationship with a man but that doesn’t magically make her not bi)

Circe (wlw and mlm) – I’m gonna say up front that the mc does not end in a relationship with a woman even though there’s a perfect candidate right there, but the book is still very casually queer and bi as hell and honestly just really really good.

Strange the Dreamer (wlw and mlm) – On the list because my two favorite minor characters from the first book got the screen time they deserved in the sequel, and their friendship was the wlw/mlm solidarity I deserved!! The most prominent wlw character is only one of a large cast, but the plot unfolds beautifully and the moral dilemmas that the characters grapple with were WOW.

realistic and/or historical fic:

Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy (wlw, ace, bg mlm) – This one’s a sequel but the whole series is so fun and charming it’s totally worth it. Tbh I had never found a book that so perfectly encapsulates my absolute ideal life until this one. I can’t even begin to describe all the elements I loved about this book without massive spoilers but just pls pls pls read this series!

Leah on the Offbeat (wlw and mlm) – Another sequel, to Simon vs the Homo Sapien Agenda, but this one focuses on bi ladies. I don’t typically go for realistic teen lit but Becky Albertalli manages to pull it off.

River of Teeth (wlw, mlm, nonbinary) – An alternate history western where feral hippos have taken over the Southern US and the government hires a team to clear them out. It’s a quick read, the cast is wonderfully diverse, and no one blinks an eye at the lgbt characters.

All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Through the Ages (wlw, mlm, trans, ace) – A short story anthology set in different time periods and cultures. Imo the cutest wlw story was The Dresser and the Chambermaid, it was a snarky period romance and I am a sucker for all those things.

The Haunting of Hill House (wlw) – The book is very different from the Netflix series, but you might be surprised that the book also has a lesbian character! I couldn’t believe no one had ever mentioned that to me, so consider this my way of paying it forward. One of the powerhouses of horror and furthermore the lesbian doesn’t die y’all!!

graphic novels:

The One Hundred Nights of Hero (wlw) – I LOVED THIS BOOK. It’s a series of stories in the style of the Arabian Nights told by a lesbian couple. They’re so consistently scathing of trash men, it’s really got a streak of dark comedy and mythology that I dig.

Monstress (wlw) – This comic is like art deco meets steampunk meets the Warriors series, but with eldritch gods and set in a matriarchal 1900’s Asia. There are women and wlw everywhere, and it’s unapologetically not European. Very dark, very cool.

The Adventure Zone (wlw, mlm, trans) – Complete as a podcast, ongoing as a series of graphic novels, I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that The Adventure Zone is one of my favorite stories EVER. It’s got a large cast of lgbt characters, secret societies, plot twists, and a constant theme of compassion in the face of hardship. It starts off as a pretty screwball comedy so you may doubt how hard I cried over several plot points later on, but trust me it sneaks up on you. So worth it.

Lumberjanes (wlw and trans) – This one’s got puzzles and monsters and mystery and camping, plus it’s by Noelle Stevenson, wlw queen! In her own words, “assume all characters in my comics are gay unless stated otherwise.”

On a Sunbeam (wlw and nonbinary) – Ngl, I bought this book after I saw the first few pages. The art is stunning. The plot itself is pretty simple and jumps around chronologically following two (literal) star-crossed lovers.

Spinning (wlw) – The same author also wrote a coming of age story about wlw and figure skating. You could say it’s… yuri on ice [laugh track]

Prince and the Dressmaker (wlw and nonbinary) – There’s a point in this book where you’re going to think things are gonna go badly, but they don’t!

Em Carroll’s comics (wlw) – Em Carroll has several books (all of which are BEAUTIFUL, srsly she’s one of my favorite comic writers) and though none of her published books focus on wlw she is a queer author and wrote Anu-Anulan & Yir’s Daughter, which is about wlw and just as gorgeous. Check her out if you love horror or if you love yourself.

#asks and answers #lgbt book recs #long post #also im completely serious #PLEASE add more recommendations if you have them #I am always looking for more #Anonymous

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giftofthegodess · 5 years

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Please read my rules before interacting, weather you are a prospective RP-partner, or a Spectator. All Blog navigation is centralized on my Links page, which is also mobile friendly.

Greetings: -This blog is R18+ because of NSFW. Being upfront. -You can call me Rave. They/Them pronouns. I am 25+ (Timezone is The Future™) -If you interact with me, I will assume you have read these rules in full. (And vice versa if I interact with you.) -I am Indie & Mutuals-Only. (No RP group affiliation. If you follow me I’ll check out your blog, but I won’t follow everyone back. I will interact with my inbox though, so check out my memes if you’re looking to break the ice. It’s just threads I reserve for Mutuals.) -FF7 characters preferred, but I will consider crossovers. Anons are welcome! -Regarding OCs, I will only be interacting with OCs of current mutuals. Any interactions outside of this are purely at my own discretion. Do not request otherwise. (I used to just be selective with OCs but recently I’ve had a difficult time with an OC mun not respecting that and pushing interactions.) -No drama / rudeness / hostility. I will not publish asks stirring trouble, and will block people if need be. -I lose track of Tumblr IMs easily, so if you are IM only and I seem like I’ve forgotten our convo, hmu again so I get a refreshed notification.) -Discord is available for mutuals. Please, I prefer it over Tumblr IMs!

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