#I am happy about the weight loss tho

[gougarfem]

I want to transition so bad

I agree with radical feminism and all but theory cant relieve the sex dysmorphia. I wish you the best of luck!

Question tho: the health related risks are a large part of whats kept me from transitioning. Are you planning to start taking testosterone? If you are how do you plan on doing it in a way that poses the least risks to your health? If you’re not then in what ways can a woman transition to a trans man without hormone therapy?

Thanks!

Signed, lookupmedicalmisogyny

(Which is not my main, hence the anon)

i would naturally urge you not to transition, as i believe the vast majority of dysphoria is treatable. if you can be happy without transition, it is a much better life. better for your health, better to know you always have the support of other women, better to find comfort in the same body you've spent your whole life with. some feel the need to have some sort of medical alteration without transitioning fully or adopting the male gender role - again i advise against this, but if you really have no other option and it helps you to find comfort in your sex it is a route some go down. anything is better than spending a lifetime fighting your biological reality and adapting to living as a member of a different sex category.

i am on testosterone, and have been for several weeks - i was on it for nearly a year in the past. health for me is very much different to most people, so i don't feel qualified to give advice there. i have a chronic illness which nearly killed me multiple times and took years of my life away, so risking my health is a huge huge concern of mine and absolutely terrifying. i am under medical supervision, taking the dose i took in the past which did not seem to have immediate adverse effects (although in the future i will likely need a hysterectomy, but have wanted one for years anyway due to a very severe menstrual disorder), having regular blood tests and on constant guard for any signs of changes to my health. personally, i have found the increase in muscle mass reduces my chronic pain and leaves me more energised, but this is achievable by other means such as bodybuilding.

the reality is that testosterone is never truly safe. the effects on females have not been studied properly, and there are many anecdotal reports of the damage it can do by detrans women. i will most likely need a hysterectomy - this is not a concern for me personally, but nobody should unnecessarily remove a vital organ. vaginal atrophy, hair loss, and blood disorders are risks i have had to come to terms with. there are worse risks, and there are unknown risks. i am willing to go through this only because i am certain i can't keep living with dysphoria this severe, and have experienced it since early childhood. nobody should go through this if they have another option.

i would suggest lifting weights to build a more muscular and potentially masculine physique. feeling stronger in general can reduce dysphoria, and exercise is brilliant for your mental health, especially weightlifting as it's an instant rush rather than a more drawn-out activity where you can get lost in your thoughts. cut your hair, dress however you want, break the barriers your female socialisation imposed on you. be loud, angry, confident and outspoken. take up space. all of these things are possible as a woman, even though society says otherwise.

i would urge you to also consider the following: - when did your dysphoria start? was it impacted by factors like puberty, trauma, the realisation of gender roles?

- are you uncomfortable with the idea of being a masculine woman? how does your current expression impact your dysphoria? what about sexuality?

- can you see yourself growing old as an old man? can you see yourself growing old as an old woman? in 60 years, how do you think you'll consider gender? can you picture the future at all?

- do you experience 'gender envy'? is your identity tied to appearance, or the people you're around? is the idea of being a masculine twink with female friends more appealing than being a fully biological male? do you value your femaleness in any way, such as a sense of community, familiarity, connections with female relatives?

- if you woke up on a desert island, would you still want to transition? do you want a male body, or do you crave the male social role?

- what do you associate with womanhood? what does being a woman mean to you?

these are questions you can't answer in a day. it may take months, years, or a lifetime. but please consider them before trying to transition. if nothing else, you'll have a deeper understanding of yourself and the feelings that led you to this point.

i hope this wasn't too rambly and made some sense. i'm always open to dm if you want to discuss things further or just chat to someone who gets it.

take care <3

@lookupmedicalmisogyny

#lav.txt #asks #transition #retransition #dysphoria

[rianafying]

i’ve turned my life completely upside down in the last week and a half. actually it is now the correct side up. if i thought things were fine before, they’re a gajillion times better now. i cannot stress the importance of what i’m about to say: i started taking care of my physical health. i can hardly believe the words as i type them out. not weight loss, or an aesthetic glow up, like my actual health, my insides, my bones, my muscles, my organs, the machine that actually keeps me running. had to spend a buttload of money at the gp and pathology and chemist tho. but it’s a necessary expenditure. i will come clean about one thing though, that that reason behind all of this, the catalyst, the final push wasn’t just my rock bottom, i actually, how do i say this, i’m not one to struggle with words, at least not when discussing my feelings. i have started to have feelings for someone. and this is entirely one sided, not that that’s a problem with me, in fact, it’s kind of a preference. i dont know a love more pure than the unrequited kind. that is not to say that i didn’t break down and cry about it more than a few times. anyway, so i’m taking all my potions and applying all my concoctions, and my health was so bad, that i’m already seeing huge improvements, after just one week of care. i’m inspired to be better. i’m inspired to have the life, happiness and health i wish for the ones i love.

i’m so hopeful that even jinxing doesn’t scare me. bring it on you evil planets. i picked myself up from rock bottom. i have intentionally found the good in the most horrible things. i am deserving of the happiness that comes my way.

i did overeat a little today and last night, a little bit stress eating, and a little bit extra hungry. and so i will go on a walk today inshaallah.

i’ve had a bit of creative energy lately, and i’m putting it to good use. sketching out a fashion collection, and i’m really liking the ideas and how they’re coming together so far. someday things are going to fall into the place i’m pushing them into. and i am most hopeful.

today was supposed to be my first day back in uni, but i am sick and coughing every 10 seconds, so i emailed the lecturer letting her know ill be joining the online repeat class this evening, instead of the on campus class this afternoon. missed out free gelato at uni today, they had some amazing flavours, but i’m sick anyway. so i couldn’t have had it.

someone’s gonna love me someday, when i am not so difficult to love. when i am ready to accept it. that someone might be me. a person i met recently told me to date myself, with intention and mindfulness. and that rlly stuck, because yes. also i’m happy that therapy has started again. since two days ago.

i’m drinking tea. i bought a pot to dedicate solely to tea making. and it’s been such a good little treat. i’m putting condensed milk in it, because i am not afraid of sugar. i’m going to build and rebuild my life. and things are going to be just fine. i’m going to be just fine.

#personal #journal entry #audio #goodness

[adviceformefromme]

Hi hon, I've always loved your blog and advice—and I'd love to have your guidance and thoughts on my issue.

I carry a lot of guilt and shame over making a terrible mistake 5 years ago, which led to the fall of my longest childhood friendship (16yrs at that point). I thought I was able to accept it, but I still have dreams about my friend that reopens the grief I have for our friendship. Today's dream was probably the worst; it featured them being willing to mend our relationship, us interacting like normal, planning to get matching piercings together, and it felt so real, I was so happy.

I came across their social media acc while taking off followers from a personal art account I hope to invest in this year. I was rly tempted to check on their ig reels and YouTube, but knew I shouldn't and decided not to in the end. If me no longer being in their life makes them able to live their happiest and most fulfilling life, I want that for them, I want to be happy for them. Even if it does hurt/make me sad. It wasn't a perfect friendship, but they were my best friend. I want to heal from this as much as possible, since healing completely is prob unrealistic.

I have a group of close friends, ppl who are much more communicative w me, but we all live far from each other so we only interact digitally. I've moved so many times in my life, that digitally is also the best way for me to keep in touch w any irl old friends—it's hard to keep irl friendships strong when you don't see them in person as much as you could in the past.

Tbh I'm kind of a loser. I'm jobless w/ no degree & don't have a driver's license. I know my lack of motivation to get my life together contributes to the lack of opportunities in seeing my friends in person. I am so comfortable in my home environment, even if emotionally/mentally abusive and fear change even if I know it's good for me. I have dreams and yet I'm scared to make steps towards them. That's a whole other thing tho.

I don't know what I need to move past this mourning. I want to stop carrying this sadness with me. I feel it bear such a heavy weight in my chest. I'm at fault and to blame and i feel terrible for being a bad person/friend to that person, even if I know I'm a better/good friend to the ppl currently in my life. Please help me.

Hey sweetie, I sense so much sadness in your message from how you describe your life, to your loss with your friend. I would recommend journalling or releasing your emotions through some form of expression. It needs to be expressed. Write, cry, paint do what ever you need to do to release these emotions because it seems they are completely weighing you down and hacking away at your self esteem. Writing your friend a letter did come to mind if you really want to let them know how you feel and if it would shift some of the pain you've been feeling. I can't recommend forgiveness healing enough! I've wrote about the process here. The journey to loving yourself and being kind to yourself is a process, especially if you are going from a place of feeling low confidence and self belief. But please don't give up on your hopes and dreams. They are within you for a reason. You are not a bad person, you are human and we all do things we wish we didn't, all we can do is show up better. Do our best each day. Listen to those positive affirmations instead of the music that brings you down. Choose the foods that give you energy, instead of foods that give you the food comma so you actually feel motivated to do your best. Read a book that inspires you, watch a documentary about struggle to success. Go help someone. Do a random act of kindness. Plan your tomorrow. Choose to wear something that makes you feel special. Brush your teeth before bed. Light an incense stick. There are so many little things you can do each day to add some light and love into your existence. Lean into the goodness and I promise the heavy weights of the world will start to shift. You'll start to feel a little lighter day by day. But it will be worth it. The light is within you, keep tending to your fire.

xoxox

#levelup #manifestyourreality #manifesting #lawofattraction #levelupjourney #growthmindset #levelup confidence lawofattraction powerofthemind #manifest #manifestingmindset

[charmedreincarnation]

Hyy , I need some urgent help with the void. I really just want to tap in and live happily.

DO READ AND HELP, PLEASE !

So I have thins feeling that my subconscious mind is stopping me from tapping in to protect me. I want to break free from a pattern that I have seen in my LoA journey. I know about it since almost 4 years , however for all desires I have had I have failed to get them , no I am not saying I did everything and still nothing worked. I tried to do some things but would always find a way to not manifest it. For instance , I wanted weight loss and I started affirming for it. And started having doubts such as I should'nt manifest it because that would mean I don't love my body , or I started thinking my weight loss would manifest in a negative way/something negative would happen for my weight loss. So now I started seeing my weight loss in bad light. I really want it at the same time am scared to get it too. Its just one instance , the same has happened for everything else, like exam scores , sp , manifesting beauty etc.

Now when I came to know about the void, I was more than happy and relieved that I could have it all. But the same things happened , I started seeing void in negative light. If I tap in the void and master it I can have whatever I want in life and later on I might want things that scare me now, or what if I would feel "empty" if I have it all, I am just so comfortable living in misery that the thought of having what I want feels so out of reach. I badly want it but cant seem to have it, I know we can have anything and all things are possible but no matter how much I try to let that sink in it doesn't. I just feel this feeling that my subconscious is trying to protect me from tapping in and getting my desires because for so long that is what has happened, I have found a way to think negatively about having my desires why would I tap in the void now and have it all. I hate this pattern , I hate when I have the "hope" of having all I want but then I fall back because I find a way to think negatively about what I want.

I am trying my best to not sound desparate and miserable but the truth is I am. Despite knowing about the law and the void and how easy it is I have thos gloomy and hazy feeling always envelope me when it comes to having my desires.

First of all, it's important to acknowledge that it's perfectly normal to feel scared or unsure when it comes to manifesting your desires. Change can be scary, even if it's a change you really want.

One thing that might be helpful is to examine the underlying beliefs you have around your desires. For example, you say you have a belief that weight loss means you don't love your body,but why shouldn’t you have the desire you have, butIt’s the opposite lol. you’re doing what you think is best for yourself and mindset, and there’s nothing negative about change. You’re still the same person so don’t reduce yourself to your body, your face, or any of your desires tbh. Take some time to identify any limiting beliefs you might have, and work on shifting them.

Another helpful approach is to focus on the feelings you want to experience, rather than the specific outcomes you want to manifest. So instead of focusing on weight loss or a specific exam score, focus on feeling healthy, confident, and successful. This can help you detach from the specific outcome and allow the universe to bring you what you need to experience those feelings.

When it comes to tapping into the void, remember that the void is simply a space of unlimited potential. There's no need to feel scared or overwhelmed by it. You can start by setting small intentions and manifesting smaller desires, and build up to bigger desires as you feel more comfortable.

But babe, just remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself. it's okay to have doubts and fears along the way. Keep working on shifting your beliefs and focusing on the feelings you want to experience, and trust that the universe is working to bring you what you need, because it is, and you deserve it.

#void state #manifesation #law of assumption #law of attraction

[pu55yboy5]

about me!! :3

18+ blog!!! minors dni at all times!! no age in bio= no interaction from me!!

you can call me sammy or puppy (or whatever degrading nicknames you can think of) i use he/him out of kink but in kink i use she/it!! im 19, white, 5'8" and kinda chubby :3 !!

i am owned by my Daddy!! and they take very good care of me 🩷 @seraphimnoted

i enjoy all dms/asks!! it might take me a bit to respond bc i can be shy tho!! :3 send me pics, p0rn, fantasies, or just a hello!! ill send some back if you're nice (or mean) enough!!

my k1nks <3:

forced detrans and forced feminization (and some bimboification)

breeding/impreg :))

r4pe/abu5e play

petplay (puppy) :3

hucow/lactation

degradation/humiliation

chastity + orgasm control/denial

watersports :p

exhibitionism/public play

dad/daughter play (+ being called "little girl")

intox and somno

(probably others that i will add later hehe)

limits:

both feederism and weight loss stuff

scat

diapers

knife play

snuff/extreme injury

face pics/identifying information

!!importantly- i have NO intention of detransitioning irl, i am comfortable and happy in my identity as a trans man. these are just kinks/fantasies of mine and nothing more. i've been on T for over a year and will not be stopping it. if i ever tease otherwise that is purely in kink. i dont mind playing that i would detrans but don't ask me to do so irl.

thanks for reading!! i'm still pretty new to tumblr so i hope this is formatted right n all :3 !!

also, i am autistic so please try to be understanding if i have some trouble communicating w/ u :p

-puppy!! :3 <3

#detrans kink #attention wh0r3 #about me #ftm detrans kink #ftm girl #fakeboy #cuntboy #dumb puppy #ftm puppy #ftmtf kink #breeding k1nk #breeding toy #i hope i'm doing this right

[angelo-the-doctor-of-feelings]

*spawns DiGiTaLlY* Hey mikey \•∆•/

Do you have any information on BED? (Binge eating disorder) I heavily suspect I have it, because..

•I have done many quizzes saying I highly have it

•i looked at the criteria and I have all those.

Tbh, its not as apparent as it was a couple of months ago, only because I've trying to get better. :⁠-⁠[

I love this blog btw it makes me feel loved >⁠.⁠<

🫂

*digitally hugs (only if you want tho if not I did nothing)*

*digitally yeets away*

-Colin ✨💻

Hello there ~

I'm sad to hear you're struggling with disordered eating... This is a tough subject & I am proud that you tried to battle your mind on that one.

*gets my round glasses & my notepad*

Dr. Feelings gotchu though!!

Trigger warning: mentions of eating disorder, no numbers, just information - neutrally phrased

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Generally speaking: BED is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food & feel unable to stop eating.

Disclaimer: While from BED suffering people MAY be overweight or obese, this is NOT ALWAYS the case. No judgement because of appearance. *lowers my googles at the audience aka you reading with a serious look in my eyes*

Often, obese people are diagnosed with BED & it is not true at all.

Behavioral & emotional signs & symptoms:

Eating unusually large amounts of food in a specific amount of time, such as over a two-hour period

Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control

Eating even when you're full or not hungry

Eating rapidly during binge episodes

Eating until you're uncomfortably full

Frequently eating alone or in secret usually connected with feelings of guilt & shame

Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating

Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss

Since you have voiced looking into it, I will not get into the criteria more, I try to help you with resources.

How do you recover from binge eating disorder?

There’s no quick fix, but with a consistent, long-term treatment plan, you can recover.

⭐ Interdisciplinary teams for the win! ⭐

Psychotherapy is the most important part & it’s proven to be effective for most people. Depending on the individual, your treatment may also include medications or nutrition advice. You may interact with a variety of healthcare specialists, such as a psychologist, a psychiatrist or registered dietician.

It is valid if you need to change therapists or dieticians. You have to find the people that understand & respect you.

You also need to WANT to recover. If you don't want to, then treatment will be a waste of time. No one can force you into getting better. Only temporary.

Here is a site I found quite helpful:

Eating disorders are a very serious topic & they can be deadly.

Also this pdf for self-help:

I'd recommend seeing your doctor if you haven't already, your health is important!

*takes off my googles*

🧡◝⁠(⁠⁰V⁰⁠)⁠◜⭐

I'm happy to hear you're enjoying my blog so far & I appreciate aaaaall the love you left!

Digital hugs returned 🧡✨

You're welcome to stay!

#dr feelings is at your service #mikeys magic family #mikeys world of feelings #turtle net #ed safe space #safe space #comfort character #bed resources #comfort #mental health support #mikey supports

[totaldramafan-lauri]

LOOK AT THEMMMMMM!!! Frye is cute, Big Man looks so flipping cool in that pattern, and Shiver! Is! SO GORGEOUS!!!! *cough* A-anyway-

FrostyFest has been going great so far! A fair amount of losses, sure, but a lot of wins, too! My first win of the day was a 10x battle, even....I feel like I've been pulling my weight, and getting some good teams, too! Not one mirror match also! Things are looking good so far....

Also, uh.....I-I think I have a new favorite map....(In 3) This is a map I've played on before, but never this much in one session....So, it took me a while to realize just how much I love it....A-and I'm willing to bet that, like with Moray, this is a map that has its haters somewhere, and that's fine, cuz this is a weird one....

I've come to really, really like Shipshape Cargo Co.

I-I can't help it....It's just so FUN! Nearly every match I've had on it has been fun! It feels so GOOD to snipe there! The perfect size, and sooooo much good high ground.....Taking the middle feels great, cuz you can overlook soooo much of the enemy base...It's like an even better Eeltail Alley! I-I wish I could've realized how fun this map was sooner than this, but....I am not complaining about playing on it so much!

I-I know this probably sounds like a really random choice for favorite stage, and I dunno how many agree with me, but.....that's just my taste, really.....XD

It's no Moray, which I still miss, but it'll definitely do! I'm happy to have so much love for a new 3 stage! >v< Cuz I already know what my fav 1 and 2 stages are. XD

Speaking of which....Bluefin Depot's back? My prayers are answered! Now, all that will be lost when 1's online goes down will be Saltspray Rig and Urchin Underpass......I'm nostalgic for both of those, but Bluefin was my favorite of the three easily. Glad to have it back!

Here's hoping I can keep up this momentum in Tricolor tomorrow, but.....I-I flipping sucked at that last time, so I don't have a lot of confidence.....I-I'll try by best for Shiver's revenge, tho!!

#lauri plays splatoon 3 #splatfest #frostyfest #shipshape appreciation day

[maxverstepponme]

I’ll explain here about long committed relationship and why is hard to break up:

I was on a very very long relationship. We lived together. We were what here in Spain is known as “pareja de hecho”. We weren’t married but we live together so the state considered us as married. That’s to tell you how long we were committed.

For years, I’ll say since the beginning, I noticed things about my partner and actions that I didn’t like. Made me feel embarrass and sad, angry.

“Then nonnie why you didn’t left the man and run”

This is where I’m going. Is not that easy. The more energy, time, money you invest on the relationship you feel like loss by leaving it.

Where I was going to live? I had to go to the civil registry to break up the “Union de Hecho”, I had to move all my stuff, all my friend circle was going to break up (you know people take sides), my family already knew him so I was embarrass to tell them what was happening.

And this is a snow ball, the more time passes I felt worse but the least likely I was going to leave the relationship.

So what happened you may asked?

My brother. He is a psychiatrist. He is not my dr because he can’t. But one night I decided to tell him exactly what I’m saying here.

His answer: just leave it. Just go. Just cut it. Let your body embrace it. The only reason you’re still there is because you think the amount of emotions, energy, money and time invested are more valuable then your mental health. And it’s not. You can be 10 years with a person and be happy after leaving it. You can have kids, a house, a car and leave.

I just left one night. Never came back. My brother and friends picked up my stuff. I can’t even explain it to you. My mind was free. I don’t even have pimples anymore.

Max can be going through a “Convenience Phase”. He probably is like “ I am not happy, oh but her daughter lives here, we just move, she has her work around me” so is putting weight into so many things because for him even tho he is not happy. Staying in the relationship is more “convenient”. And for men this is a bit more likely because he is like “oooh now I have go on a first date again… and do the whole thing again. Nah I’m going to stay like this…will get better…I’ll just focus on racing”

I do understand that now. But you can always LOOK TO INVEST IN YOURSELF. Always it’s going to be more valuable than anything. Being selfish is not something bad. If you don’t look for yourself no one would

Hope this help some nonnie

.

[jehovahhthickness]

My mom told me I'm too dark and far to get a man and will be single forever.I feel like shit.I have always been heavier but I put on more weight from taking medications and I have terrible skin issues.Plus my hair has come out. I just feel terrible and ugly. All of my friends are all in relationships,married and have children yet here I am, already feeling unworthy regardless of how many times people compliment me and my mom says that bullshit.Smh. It sucks.

I’m certain that you’re the most beautiful thing on earth cuz there are a lot of black moms who are their daughter’s BIGGEST hater and she’s probably projecting on you because she sees you as competition.

But I feel like she spent your entire life beating you down so of course you feel that way.

Don’t worry about what’s going on in other people’s lives because you don’t know what they go through behind closed doors. Having kids and being married are lovely things to experience but it doesn’t mean that you’re missing out if you don’t have that!

It’s ok if you gain weight … weight can be lost. No pressure tho. Take care of yourself and the weight loss will come eventually if that’s your goal.

I need you to ignore the shit outta here and handle your business. A lot of the things you say that you’re not fond of can be changed … you can change up your looks, my love. If that’s what’s going to make you happy.

But I need you to start working on yourself and loving yourself in your current state before you start making any drastic changes.

[greancream]

Updatee

Hiii oh my god I totally forgot about my tumblr account (I ended up going to edtwt LMAO) The fact that I was 140 is actually insane I am 116.8 as of now which is meh I want to be 105> yes I still do have an ED it goes inherently worse well actually?? My ED timeline:

keep in mind I smoke a lot and my memory is fucked

April 2021: Started this blog I guess my sw was 140 🐒 would eat 1200> cals a day and barely worked out this lasted 6-7 months I think

Rest of 2021: I came back to school after summer break and I’m pretty sure I weighed 120 I think but came back and quickly started gl gain it all back getting high and eating hella with my friends.

Jan-July 2022: Ate like fuck ass basically whatever I wanted I was very indulgent and like I said I gained it all back

Aug 2022: Made my edtwt acc 🧟‍♀️ weighed around 130-125lbs during this era my diet changed a lot tbh I didn’t binge that much tho I even stopped smoking weed to stay consistent I mean in the beginning I did have some troubles but after I stopped I was pretty on track

Sep 2022: Weighed around 120 bru I started speed running weight loss for real also became an orthorexic lowkey so I gained muscle as well this was my Pilates princess era

October-Nov 2022: kinda had a pause? Wasn’t my main priority

December 2022 -Jan 2023: Some shit happened to me and I fell in deep and ended up reaching my goal of 110 😇 (did not last that long tbh)

Feb-May 2023: I gained back to 115 but quickly went back to 111 but at this point I was super happy I guess??? Idk a lot has happened so idk but I went to friends and food as comfort and gained so by may I was 121 😱😱😱😱😱😱

May-Now: I am 116.8 😀 wow idk if I should be happy orrrrrr I just need to be 105 then I’ll be good but I’m going to try to do it like how I did when I started one thing I will say is I have more control but god damm I hope I can recover one day

#tw ed content #ed no sheeran #thinspo

[alostlittleriverlotus]

so i gained weight. Really fast, lots of weight. Few years back. It was concerning because it just kept going up despite literally nothing changing. And with my intrusive thoughts and medical anxiety, I wanted to talk to a doctor.

literally every single one except my obgyn is obsessed with me dieting and being more fit for weight loss. It's brought up in every appointment and it's so fucking triggering to me.

I'm happy at my weight. It's stabilized. And it's not something I can easily control. I'm still not 100% sure on a cause, but I'm looking at PCOS and hormonal shit. And literally doctors treat me like I'm some unhealthy filthy creature. Pain I have is written off as because of my big boobs or because I'm overweight. Even tho that pain is actually why I'm not more active. That and trauma and executive dysfunction.

I feel like I have to justify my existence and I literally feel so out of control and awful cause I can't stand up for myself, especially with my mom there.

1: For where my weight it, it is a good balance of muscle and fat. I'm still actually quite strong which is something I'm proud of personally because I enjoy feeling my muscles work. I actually enjoy exercise for a lot of trauma/neurodivergent reasons.

2: People don't owe you perfect health and not everyone can be fucking healthy. I am healthy for what I can be. So I'm happy where I am. Am I exactly healthy for what I could potentially be? No. But I also don't have access to a lot of things and have issues out of my control. Either way, I shouldn't have to be made to feel like such shit because I don't exercise enough or have a few bad food habits. I literally feared getting fat and had an ED. Not to mention the reason behind that which is literally covert s*xual trauma from a very young age. Why do I have to literally pour out everything about myself that is personal and overwhelming to be believed? I can barely open up to my friends and girlfriend. I am happy being fat and being where I am. I don't need to be physically fit or perfect.

3: Even my mother constantly brings up my weight. Even tho since childhood I have mentioned knee pain, back pain, leg pain. Now it's gotten to a point where it's bad enough to keep me bed ridden. I have gone up to my mother and been like "I NEED to see a doctor for this. It is BAD and I am SUFFERING." But no. I just need to walk more, get outside more, and control my weight. She loves to say I never told her or she never knew how bad it was even tho A: you should remember this kinda shit, it's important, I'm your CHILD and B: I have flat out told you I am in misery because of it. But no. I live with a mother that doesn't give a shit about me.

4: Some of my issues are caused by me just not knowing. I'm autistic, I'm traumatized, I have no guage of what is normal or not. I just learned about my covert s*xual trauma after so many fucking years. I had worked through all my other trauma, but that I didn't even know existed because I just assumed shit was normal! I literally cannot tell everything about myself. I don't have a guage for when something is concerning. It's like how I can never fully tell what my emotions are or even when I'm hungry. I am incredibly self aware, but I have a problem with being able to tell things about myself from me being autistic as well as traumatized.

I just. I fucking hate doctors. I brought up my weight because the weight gain was sudden and literally nothing changed. But it's blamed on the pandemic even tho it start two years before it! It's blamed on me not being active and not eating right even tho I eat far better and manage a lot of stuff! I don't even overeat! I have to literally fucking justify it to myself because of how doctors make me feel!

I'm literally so fucking sick of doctors and the medical field! They make me feel judged and awful and hate myself!!! I hate that I have no control, I hate that I can't stand up for myself, and I hate them so much! Everyone always says doctors know best cause they studied, then why are doctors so fucking clueless and don't listen to me?! I've discovered more on my own entirely thanks to other disabled folks! Hell, me working through my trauma is thanks to OTHER TRAUMATIZED FOLKS. Doctors know better? But they don't fucking care. I hate this system, I hate these doctors, I hate that I'm not taken seriously. Ugh!!!

Not to mention that's just discussing all my physical issues. Now add how my fucking personality and mental disorders and all my fucking trauma add on to that! Yeah, it's motherfucking hell to be mentally disabled and physically disabled and have literally nothing at all. I literally am just so fucking mad!!!

#doctor trauma #cw doctors #cw minor trauma dump #cw fatphobia #cw weight discussion #I fucking hate doctors #anti doctors #anti medical field #anti psychiatry #ableism #cw ableism #ableist doctors #vent #rage #rant #personal vent #fuck doctors #fuck medical shit #fuck healthcare #healthcare #actually disabled #actually spoonie #spoonie #disability #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #personality disorders #neurodivergent #actually borderline

[gainingme]

Day 4:

Random dramatic thought. Obviously i know how stupid and unhelpful it is to think this way, but i feel like it’ll help me to just type out the thought on here so it’s not in my brain anymore.

I am officially done with day 4 and i am making such healthy choices, not eating a lot, honestly such a smaller amount in comparison! However, i have such a bad habit of compulsively weighing myself, and i am not happy with the results. Obviously, people’s weight fluctuates and a lot of people don’t even have major losses on the first few shots, but with all the changes im making i want to see more!!! The first two days my weight went down, but the last two days it was the same and then up. I’m so annoyed and feeling very defeated. Giving myself the “what’s the point!!?”

I see all these great successes on tik tok and i know that it’s possible but i want to get there! I am not a very patient person lol!

I continue to work on, today when i got my normal salad at lunch, i ate my grilled chicken (protein!) off the top and tapped out. Tonight for dinner i normally eat two burgers, and i didn’t even finish one!

Talking to my husband about the changes, he commented about Friday we had a guest and still had the same amount of pizza left over than we would if it was just us with me off the shot! (I made sure to tell him that doesn’t make me feel great lmao!)

I also got to spend time talking to my friend who is I’m inspiration for this today at work and i am so grateful for her and all her help. I started some miralax today because even tho i haven’t gone without “going,” it’s not been a great experience and i have major anxiety about developing a blockage!!

Also, i have NEVER drank so many fluids, which may be the cause of the lack of weight loss but im still going to be hopeful for a loss this week. Positive thoughts and vibes!!

#trizepatide #mounjaro #zepbound #glp1 #weight loss #pcosweightloss

[hellishrebukesystem]

System Update--Graham and David @ Front 02/12/24

Got a break from the psychosis today--no sightings of deerwomen crucifixes, priests in neighbor's yards, tarantulas, or burning men with flesh wings in our living room. The creepy whispering as gone away for today as well--we slept for 11 hours and 2 minutes after not sleeping for nearly thirty six hours. That being said, we are starting our sleep fast over and plan to stay awake for the next 72--it is hard to explain exactly why we are doing this but it mostly has to do with trying to commune and communicate with other dimensions/timelines/etc. We know that sounds like psychosis, but we aren't so sure that it is, rather we think that maybe it might be a spiritual awakening of sorts. We didn't take our night meds to achieve this goal and will continue to not take meds for the next 72 hours.

***This is not an endorsement of going against treatment plans or doctor's advice--I'm not telling you what to do--I just know what's right for me and my needs as of this moment in time.***

We got major headache around five today, but it was gone by nine tonight, so hopefully we can keep our physical health problems to a minimum--we also hope to go on a liquid fast and only drink liquids and consume no more than one meal a day for the at least the next 72 hours. This also not for weight loss or ana reasons and I do not support that, and I am not encouraging that--this is for religious reasons and if you are struggling with an ED, you should not take this for some kind of diet or reason to starve yourself. I have clear reasons for doing this, I have a therapist and people taking care of me--this is not something to do without doctors and people around you to monitor you and make sure you will be okay, okay?

Anyway--Graham is annoyed because he thought he was done with having to deal with shit like this--He and I try to be friends, but we usually end up getting on each other's nerves, because well--we just handle these things very differently; he wants to be responsible and keep house/keep things clean/make the bed/take care of the body--yada yada yada and I'm more the type to just get exhausted and want us to take a break. Let stuff slide a little and just enjoy the quiet moments we get; we were both disappointed about all the sleeping but for very different reasons, ya know.

I was disappointed because I had a gillion fun things planned, but we fell asleep instead and that was frustrating, like I wanted to get caught up on all the relaxing we hadn't been doing for the last however many months and I wanted to feel good, ya know? I was pissed at Graham too, because he took the damn morning and night meds (yesterday) even knowing that was gonna make us fucking tired! He took the day meds today too--but fortunately I did not take night meds even tho he tried really hard to convince us to. I know if I can make it past midnight, I will stay up all night--and I'll be happy to. I'm not happy to have to start the fast over again. It is so stupid--like we get the instructions on what to do and Graham wants to ignore them all the time.

He was disappointed in us too for falling asleep--not last night--but the nap that we took--which we wouldn't have taken if we hadn't fallen asleep last night--it's a momentum thing--the longer you stay awake the easier it is to stay awake after a certain point--it tips in your favor. If he had let us keep browsing Tumblr too--we would've been fine--we would've been wide awake. That's another trick; you can't let yourself get bored. It fucks up everything. He disappointed about the nap because he wanted to do some homework/revisions for our MFA class--but honestly, I was pretty pissed at him for it--we didn't even have feedback from the professor yet and he wanted to pressure us into doing some stupid ass unfocused work. It would've been easier if he would've let us have this. I can't believe he undid our work.

Honestly, sorry this is so long--this probably won't be the last you hear about it--honestly, I might just, like, idk, do a call-out for Graham, not that he'll read it the little bastard, but I'd feel better about. Separate post. KK bye.

#dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #did system #traumacore #actuallytraumatized #actuallymultiple #dissociativeidenitydisorder #religious trauma #did #david's tag #graham tag #hellishrebukesystem #vent #system update

[illuminan2580]

ok i just finished helluva boss rn. I'm totally NOT normal and i need somewhere to spill my mess out so here i am.

Like wtf how can it be THIS AWESOME??? I literally love every character. They're all charming and getting their own soft points. And the music?!?! All the musical vibe I'm getting from this show is incredible! Tho i haven't seen many musicals myself but I want to say that hb kinda give me a Rent vibe...? Like they all suffer from their own trouble but they still have each other. Such heartwarming fellas in hell. This show is making me so emotional.....

AND i also want to say that it's so obvious that the creators behind it love every one of the character. This makes me feel rly touched. I can feel the passion even from the other side of the screen. We watch too many shows that the creator only want to use the character for money making but in hb (and hh) this is apparently out of the case so I feel so precious for this.

As for the ships, I can't wait to see they finally have sooooome process in e8. There has to be a duet right???

Now I have listened to Just Look My Way like hundreds of times. This song is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL OH MY FUCKING GOD. It'll be a huge loss if I cannot hear it one day in the theatre. This song needs a concert, the whole series need a concert or a live or a musical. Idk how to explain but the whole song let me think of Elizabeth, maybe because of the royal vibe from the song's style and arrangement. And about the lyrics change, the new version truly represents Stolas' feeling for Blitz. How could you so deeply in love with that dickhead Stolas...Seeing this likingly unrequited love makes me both heartbroken and touched by the weight of Stolas' emotion. Stolas calling Blitz dearest...was a whole new level of heart attack for me when I first heard it (in a good way). Truly beautiful song...I wasn't actually a Stolitz stan before but this song made me want to see them reaching a happy ending in the future episodes. I don't really think all of their problems can be solved in s2e8 so, uh...just wait and see now.

Actually my little brain can't stop thinking about the possibility that Blitz would see the crystal as a sign that Stolas doesn't need him around anymore. I myself enjoy this assumption too much hehe...This ship would be more painful if Blitz misunderstands Stolas and just leaves with their bleeding hearts left behind.

haha yeah I started rewatching the episodes focusing on Blitz and Stolas now. Look what the song has done to me🙃

[paperphobe]

Vent post I suppose

Cw: medical talk, medical trauma, general pain and annoying symptoms, food/eating and weight loss. Basically if reading anything health/medical is triggering to you maybe don’t read this. Vent post not to anyone specific but more because I just need to put it out there because I can’t move on until it’s spoken into the universe (adhders get me 😵‍💫) and no one really follows this account. I’ve had a TON of medical issues that have had me in the hospital and in BRUTAL pain and on so many medications and it came very suddenly at the start of September and it’s pretty much faded away pain wise but I had to spend a lot of time in the hospital and get some surgical procedures done. I experienced some traumatic things during all of that and though it’s definitely effected me it’s not my biggest issue as I have a great new therapist to chat with about that. Right now I’m clear and healthy on all tests and I’m not in pain anymore but I’ve been experiencing some symptoms that started during the issue, and haven’t gone away. It’s taken a toll mentally and physically on me and even effected my schoolwork. I’ve seen a bunch of doctors and my surgeon and professionals and they have no idea why this could possibly still be happening to me and there isn’t an inherent link to my condition and the symptoms that I still have (they were more explainable when I was in hospital and recovering from surgery). I’m also mildly concerned that they might be a symptom of something else but I’ve managed to push that thought out of my mind. Not sure if anyone has dealt with this (lasting pain and issues) before, I’ve had chronic pain in joints and long term health stuff but never something that’s effected me like this. If you have dealt with something like this any advice on how to just cope with the huge change from who I was before this and who I am now, and also the fact I just feel like shit? Before I was playing rugby or soccer every day, eating large meals, doing well in school and socially, I was super happy and sleeping well and being productive. Now I’m exhausted all the time, nothing makes me happy (I feel very numb), I’m always bored and don’t enjoy anything I used too (or anything besides doing my word puzzles), I can’t manage basic levels of physical activity, I have no appetite and eating feels like a horrible chore, I’ve dropped 20+lbs even when I eat what should be enough, my mouth is so dry and nothing helps, non stop migraines, I can’t sleep more than two hours most nights so I end up getting so tired I pass out and sleep for over 15, my vision has gotten worse to a point my glasses don’t help and it hurts to try and look at things, hands, feet, eyes, scalp and nose are always dry and itchy, I’m perpetually nauseous, I’m irritable and sad and a lot more prone to meltdowns, I’ve had way more nerve pain than I usually do and I’m peeing annoyingly frequently (which aligned with some of my medical issues and has lessened a lot but is still just annoying asf)

I laughed so hard I cried for the first time since the start of this at a stupid joke one of my classmates made and I realized I hadn’t really laughed in months, and I’m a person who laughs at everything. I’ve been drifting from some friends recently for unrelated reasons, including my best friend of three years, and I can’t even bring myself to care because I just feel this non stop numbness in my brain and my emotions and it sucks so much. I’ve seen one episode of CM since September (tho the hyper-fixation has not gone away thank god) because I put it on and I realize that like everything else, I can’t even enjoy this. Anyways if anyone actually read this I hope you had a good time reading about how miserable I am and all my random medical issues including how frequently I pee! 🤩 I hope you feel enlightened.

#somewhat of a vent #kinda shitpost #not at all criminal minds related #I do mention it once tho #I hope no one thinks this is important or interesting and reads though the entire thing #If you did that I’m so sorry

[dullahandyke]

If someone was to mayhaps want to draw one of your OCs do you have any drawings of them or any more information about the kind of clothes they wear?

ANON ILL KISS UUU um I have a couple drawings but they're old, let me grab them n also describe more accurately their appearances....

Ok as for the drawings please ignore the copious style shifts and bear in mind that most of these cunts r like OLD old. Like 'drew her on the open night for the secondary school I have since graduated from', 'ex-danganronpa oc' old. And that's not as much to do w how recent the drawings are bcos most of them are like 2 years old or so but like. I keep trying to keep certain aspects of their designs and it shows. ANYWAY heres some Ames designs that can get smushed into one

Ames Spector

Stocky build, on the short side

Filipina

Black hair, the middle picture is pretty much it, tho I'm still attached to her with a ponytail if u wanted to go for that

Black button-up with the sleeves rolled up

Yellow tie with a star-shaped tie pin (listen she's had a star pin for 6 years and even if it's not a hairpin anymore it's still hers)

See I really do like the vibe of the blazer tied around the waist ala picture 1 but I couldnt make it work colour-balance-wise so I ended up just making her slacks yellow. If u think u could make it work then go for it my guy

Sturdy black boots

Eyebrow piercing on her right

See I did vibe w her having a tattoo but I dont think the snake suits her... omit it or freehand it as u like

Ringo Fleming

I'm not entirely happy with the balance of the outfit but it's a good idea of its style (which is 'was born sad and alone in a Claire's)

I think I put his cane on the right side? It's his right leg that he needs it for

It has hearing aids that it definitely dangles earrings off of

Snake bites

Pink dyed hair with some sort of undercut

Oh yeah hes noticeably tall. I'm not good w heights but like 6'6 even without his penchant for platform boots

Large nose

Very reedy build

White

Thea del Arte

Heavily based on Arlecchino (predecessor to the harlequin, from Italian renaissance-era theatre) with the right picture as my heaviest inspiration

Fat

Hes pretending to be Italian bcos it's better for PR but hes actually Catalan

Tan skin

Dimples

Short curly dark brown hair

Black mask is more masquerade or superhero than arlecchino, it emotes when she has it on, you know the drill

Wears reading glasses over his mask in his 'reading documents' animation

Neck ruff

In the drawing I have her down as wearing shorts but tbh I think she'd cover as much of herself as she could for the intrigue

White gloves

Black lipstick

Shirley Fortunis

See I like her current design but it doesnt feel very ace attorney to me. Trying to incorporate a dice/coin/luck motif.

Black

Long black locs with silver jewelry

Acne

Big purple cardigan somewhere in her design

Officewear under the cardigan

Maybe a trench coat of some description over the cardigan to make it feel more detectivey? Idk spitballing

Maybe a coin necklace?

Miren Diez

And now we get into the area of 'all my drawings for this one are so old theyd do more harm than good'

Sickly pale and visibly malnourished

Long dark brown hair, untrimmed beard

Bcos of spirit medium shenanigans I dont think they have much in the way of their own clothes tbh. Mostly its theas clothes that they're left in once they stop channelling her.

If they are wearing their own clothes, probably just a very oversized steel samurai sleep shirt and sweatpants that used to fit but Uh Oh Drastic Weight Loss

Septum piercing

Raph Porter

Tbh I dont have much for them

Light hair in a ponytail

Brown reporter-type hat

White button-up, brown slacks, brown suspenders, brown tie

Brings an entire typewriter into court

Btw this isnt a design thing but like u gotta know that she is just WAITING to be revealed as the big bad so at all times she is wearing an evil outfit under her normal one. It is not at all visible in her normal outfit that's just a fun little fact for u

Generically pretty

The judge

Does not look like the judge from ace attorney

Has robes

Has at least one hand

Has a mouth(?)

Skin is a maybe

#ps jusr bcos i described all of them doesnt mean u gotta draw any of em #this is just as much me hammering out my own thoughts as it is me describing rhem for u #undescribed #aa7: emer edition #my god its been so long since i used thst tag... i was still going by the short spelling of my name...