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#I actually fucking hate capitalism and monetizing hobbies thing
omegatheunknown · 3 months
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Top 10 of 2023 -- Theatrical Releases
Started using letterboxd as a journal two years ago, mostly so I could remember just how recently I'd watched Big Trouble in Little China or Hot Fuzz, but also to hit 'em with of the moment reviews and ratings fresh from the theatre. Which is to say, I'm a little nervous to see what'll come up at the top, but let's take a trip.
10- The Boogeyman (**1/2) - Technically in theatres for a week or two. Buried otherwise, a low stakes King adaptation/remake/reboot that makes the list so I don't have to say anything about AntMan, Elemental, Renfield, or, god forbid, Mario. Effective horror, kind of a neat creature at the center of it, pleasantly surprised that I didn't hate it.
9- Asteroid City (***) - Did lead to a minor personal epiphany, so not all bad. The amount of meta-fictional artifice (lest we for a second want to empathize or consider Wes' paper doll characters in his paper doll theatre as being recognizably human) has gone well-beyond the 'as Royal Tenenbaum' and 'let me tell you about my boat,' past the authorial frame of the Grand Budapest and as of The French Dispatch, Mssr Anderson is now almost entirely preoccupied with stories within stories and it is actually very annoying. (The minor epiphany is that I have also been doing this, as metafiction delights me too, Wes, but why should anyone else care?) Anyway, highlight here is the usual meticulous design, the ridiculous stop-motion sequence, some crackerjack dialogue (muted because now every character has the same blunted affect and without subtitles I sorta glazed over in parts) and these movies remain quite funny.
8- Barbie (***1/2) - Watched a lot of pablum this year, most of it with very naked corporate ambition. Barbie's central trick is to critique itself and the very cynical context in which it critiques itself and hopefully contain within it the entire discourse (good luck to you.) Wish I hadn't had to listen to people earnestly tell me how brilliant and resonant certain 'pause for applause' moments were, but the humour may well stand the test of time, and people were rightly hyped on Ryan Gosling's over-delivery on what once was seen as an unlikely bit of casting.
7- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 (***1/2) - Not too proud to admit I was, in 2023, still kind of excited to see this one (1) marvel movie. Crisp Rat aside, the Guardians deliver best on the comic-to-screen vibe and rarely seem embarrassed with their source, leading to the intense emotional journey of a CGI mutant raccoon bounty hunter reckoning with his maker, no winking involved. Rocket Raccoon is my fucking guy, anyway, no more of these, please and thanks.
6- Dungeons and Dragons, Honor Among Thieves (***1/2) - Yeah, okay, more popcorn flick pablum. Hasbro hoping to further capitalize on the pop culture rise of and monetize and micro-transaction-atize and thereby enshitiffy one of my dearest hobbies (I am diversifying away from D&D TM) looming large in the background here, given the whole OGL blowback it was briefly reasonable large portions of diehards might boycott this thing. Anyway, saw it, liked it, succeeded wildly in the goal of effectively conveying what it's actually like to play a fantasy ttrpg, all the weird in-jokes, wild variations in tone, hand-waving and quirks of 'the rules' there for snorts of recognition. Cannot imagine this was much fun for non-players, but maybe.
5- Across the Spider-Verse (****) - Extremely hyped, but hopefully not the zenith of the trilogy, a lot is riding on part 3, which is thankfully due, uhhh, sometime next year? Dragged out its ending laying more groundwork, but before then, another ceiling breaking exercise in contemporary animation, an almost non-stop kinetic kaleidoscope of visual creativity that augurs well for animation's continued evolution.
4- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Mutant Mayhem (****) - Speaking of. Now, I've loved the Turtles since I was 4 years old, so my personal belief has always been, even though I love the 1990 rubber-suited cash grab, that the central premise is something that in the right hands can actually be objectively good, as opposed to personally delightful to me. This is that movie, the good Ninja Turtles movie. 'Teenage' -- to the point of being endearingly, obnoxiously immature, 'Mutant' -- to the point that the world around them is just as grody and fucked up looking as they are, 'Ninja' -- with sly handheld camera angles and satisfyingly fluid motion to rival Spiderverse, and uh, 'Turtles' -- they sure fucking are. I loved this. Jackie Chan forever.More, please.
3- Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (****) - Exceedingly Quebecois take on the contemporary hipster vampire movie, Can-con for my list. Canadian Indies in 2023 are strikingly similar to American Indies from 2008, if that at all recommends. Ranks high for efficient self-contained everything, very charming, funny, just bizarre enough.
2- The Boy and the Heron (****1/2) - Easy to feel like this is a Ghibli greatest hits compilation, easier to remember that's what we all kinda want-- cute and unsettling creatures, delicious looking food, spirit worlds, quiet moments of reflection, arcane rules for how any and everything works... yet also maybe the truest return to the titanic achievements of Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away (especially.) Story forms a suitably esoteric thesis about grief and creation and, ultimately, endings. I think Miyazaki might actually be done this time.
1- Godzilla Minus One (*****) - An entirely different movie than Shin Godzilla, very possibly even better. It's tense (Godzilla hasn't felt creepy like this for a while.) It's emotional (rivals Godzilla vs Biollante in its human story.) It's very naked in its message (ah, the guilt.) The action is superb. I do not know where Godzilla goes from here. (Mothra!)
(Haven’t seen: Poor Things, Bottoms, Napoleon, the Killer, a bunch of other crap.)
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freckleslikestars · 3 years
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not me contemplating making a budget to see if I can buy a cricut to make the workflow of various projects easier and more feasible.
#I want to make a load of little stickers for my friends birthday and for my laptop#and to potentially sell#and I also want to start putting titles on all the books I bind#just to make it easier to pick them up when I'm in a rush#because currently I can't identify them easily#other than remembering which cloth I used for each one#There are a couple of other projects I want to work on too that it would help with#but we have legal fees that are still cropping up and after last month despite the fact that I'm now earning#I don't want to risk another short of cash month because I just don't have the energy for it if it happens again#on the other hand#I have got various jobs that mean I'd be able to afford on with the discount the local craft store have going in the next three weeks.#but I have to see whether it is justifiable#but then I was also thinking about finding a cheap second hand ipad to replace my crappy tablet for digital art#and there is no way in hell I can justify both#so it just depends on which one I can make money with more#and that's a really shitty way to look at life#I actually fucking hate capitalism and monetizing hobbies thing#can't I just make things that I think are cool and look pretty#also I actually just want to make things to give to other people and my friends without charging for them#because I love sending people gifts#no jokes sometimes I just send my best friend random packages with pins or a little painting or whatever#just because everyone likes the feeling of getting a package and I like giving people that feeling
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timemachineyeah · 3 years
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I hate how fucking chill I would be to not do anything for the rest of my life.
I don’t mean in a depressed way. I just mean in a, like, I get enough gentle satisfaction from having an organized dresser and some good podcasts to listen to and stuff. And maybe I would do stuff, like write or whatever, but I’d love for it to mean nothing and not have to go anywhere and just-
And I want to be clear. I don’t hate this about myself because I think it makes me lazy or undeserving, but because I’m in this exact moment (and I’m sure the sickness of thought will take me from here later) absolutely sure it does not.
There’s nothing at all wrong with the fact that I would like to do nothing for the rest of life except quietly live it.
And it’s actually really a problem!!! To know that!!! And to know it’s not a problem!!! Because if I didn’t know that, if I thought having nothing to do would make me miserable, or that liking it was something I had to change, I could more easily force myself to be okay with the fact that I cannot just live my life and expect to survive. I could make myself think I’m participating in capitalism of my own free will!!!
But I’m not!!! I’m a prisoner here!!! I just want to pet my cat and eat an apple and talk to my friends about cartoons or other meaningless bullshit! I don’t want to monetize my hobbies! I don’t want to profit some corporation! My disabilities, such as they exist, exist almost entirely in the context of needing to meet a standard of usefulness to the already wealthy that I cannot meet! But even if I could? I don’t want to! I don’t want to be in existential terror because an investor class gambled with my future like they were playing at a craps table! I don’t want to optimize advertisements for clients or figure out how not to pay for people’s healthcare or answer phone calls from people who are already angry with me or whatever other bullshit I’ve done for work in the past!
And while, yes, since I have to get paid for something or die, it would be nice to get paid to write or be creative or do the things I already do - and it is nice to get paid for those things when people do pay me for them - it would be even fucking better if I could just do things because I like them and no one would have to pay me at all!
And I hate knowing this about me!!! I want to be a different kind of personality. I want to be someone who could never not have a job or who goes up the wall without a project, but I’m not!!! I like tackling projects and doing things but I also like not doing things!!! I love not doing things!!! It’s great!!!! And I hate my life depending on doing things!!!!
I wish I didn’t know how incredibly skilled I am at enjoying extended periods at home doing fuck all! I’m very good at it! I love it! What a completely unhelpful personality trait for me to have!!!
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patriciavetinari · 4 years
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Long post, personal crisis
Sorry I don’t know if I can use the Keep Reading thingie on mobile. Tw: suicide mention. Please don’t reblog. Replies ok.
I think I basically just realized or at least spent significant time thinking about a definite weakness of mine that I should and want to deal with - it’s the horrible toxic jealousy/perfectionism that I feel, and the poisoning strive to be brilliant and recognized for it.
You know those posts and feelings about new hobbies - if you try one and are not immediately amazing at it, you never practice or try again? I believe I have some horrible exagerrated version of that. I feel it even around people, especially in new groups, beit online or offline. This fuckinf need to best, brilliant, expert, I want to cause awe and amaze people.
I think it also might very much be connected with me growing up and prett much being fat, having to prove my worth to people around me, having to be funny, witty, smart one, which I’ve tried so hard to always be and yet I obviously can’t always be like that, plus I can fucking feel capitalism making me duller, taking away my creativity and imagination (then again, is it just the horrible me just looking for excuses for not developing self?).
What triggered it is the online rpg community that I’m part of but I’m sort of a wallflower, still kind of new, and not very good and the particular theme of that rpg (star wars). Yet it’s filled with brilliant creative people, one of them whips out poetry on the whim and I read that thread just now and absolutely broke down because I can’t do that. And I need to outshine that person immediately, I need to be better, I need to win over others and evoke awe.
I hate this feeling. Not that person - I try very hard to focus on the fact that other people being good at something creative is good and wonderful and go them. That is the right thing to think, yet I immediately spiral into this anxiety and perplexion - how can I outdo them and at least be equal, at least be loved and appreciated just as much? Is the lack of love and appreciation? I so feel like a worthless third wheel. Talentless, useless, dull, background npc.
It’s like those positive posts “one person being beautiful does not stop me from being beautiful”, but again, extremely exagereated and with activities AS WELL AS looks. Is it the lack of purpose? The general perfectionism? I don’t know what I want to do with my life and who I want to become, when I contemplate going to college I have no idea what do I want to study. Everything. Nothing. I don’t want to study or practice, I want to immediately be good at everything.
And it’s the same with most such encountera both online and real life. Instagram is horrible in its own rite, but when I just joined it I felt exactly the same about those makeup routines. I bought so many products, I tried, I actually tried there since it was something I did every say, and then I realised I have hooded eyes and will never actually be able to show off instagram-worthy eyelids, and I had breakdowns over this.
It’s the same with almost every fuckinf hobby I encounter, I try to make it if not my monetized brand, then my fun personal mastery. It was the same with yoga (still is, I want to be Amazingly Flexible Fat Person), smoothie bowls, photography, calligraphy, drawing, poetry, writing (even though I don’t have a single finished fan or original work yet I call myself a fuckinf writer). It was even same with relationships, hoping to be able to be a hoe/sugar baby both for the possible pleasures and material side AND thw recognition of A Skill to Seduce, I guess (I’m fat and never been asked on a date, so guess how that is going, I’m completely clueless around flirting). Same with music, style, running aesthetic blog, running a livejournal blog (yeah, this has been going on since LJ era), even running a twitter, or instagram, or any social media, or learning to speak in accents, or dancing, knitting, embroidery and other crafts. Lately I see “witchy stuff” trending in my feed, so obviously I’ve already looked into that.
But I think it’s the creative outlets and being absolutely dull at them, not being able to Produxe Content - not even for monetizing – bur just Not Having a Thoughts is what pains me so much. I’m not fun, not interesting. Especially when there are Brilliant People in close proximity. Even those who would be able to recite poetry if not come up with it on the spot. Those people are so amazing to me I want to fucking kill myself for not being One of Them. I hate it.
It’a slightly better with my work, as I’m sort of an expert in my team by now, people ask me for help a lot and it sends me beaming, I like helping, being the expert, Offering a piece of my mind, but my work is not creative, it’s horrible, it’s ruining my sense of humour, my mind, and it’s completely useless outside that specific field and my colleagues. I’m fun to them because I’m smart abour our job and sassy but it’s horrible job. And I’m bad at everything else. I have no hobbies, no personality outside work.
And even at work I’m vulnerable. I had lunch today near the French team, they were speaking French, and I spent time regretting I don’t speak French. I “only” speak three languages. English is my third one. I go absolutely fucking stellar when native speaker compliments my English, vocabulary and all. Do I struggle without recognition? Do I need constant pats on the back? Am I good enough? Am I trying to prove my worth no matter to whom? Am I trying to please or entertain, be useful?
I want to be brilliant. I want to be sure of what I like to do, of what my actual hobbies are, I want to find out who I am so I can be in contact with other People With Hobbies and be content with our differences, be able to just be happy for another persons talent, and enjoy it, and recognize them instead of turning the spotlight onto myself while having nothing to say and demanding applause. I will always support people having phases, pickinf up and putting down hobbies when they feel like it, but I want at least a little bit of permanence in myself, at least for a moment, I want to try and find out my actual interests, not trends I fall for desperately trying to be relatable and marketable and presentable and acceptable.
I want to find myseld and be happy with myself. And fuck, I want brilliance and recognition and applause. Maybe it’s a form of craving love and attention, but I want it. I want to be creative, good at something, brilliant. I even feel like all my interests are Like That, not genuine, like some sort of Imposter syndrome subcategory, Trying To Be Liked. Yes, I was that kid that was no trouble and acted so mature. Read books to keep out of way. No serotonin to speak of.
I can’t say I hate myself, I just feel lost, lonely, not an unfinished work - a not even started one. I feel like empty shell, and there is a person lost deep inside that shell that I desperately want to meet and I hope one day I can.
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